Narcissistic Father Son Relationship
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- čas přidán 26. 03. 2021
- In this video Darren Magee outlines some of the common dynamics in a narcissistic father and son relationship. Common characteristics of narcissism include a sense of entitlement, being resistant or sensitive to criticism, an over inflated sense of importance and a lack of empathy. In the father / son relationship this often plays out as being emotionally distant, authoritarian parenting, and unrealistic or unfair expectations on the son.
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The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
What would the relationship between a covert narcissistic father and his son look like? Speaking from experience the topics you discuss in this video seem similar and feel familiar, but I’m interested in your professional opinion or any one else’s in the comment section for that matter?
Your video is 100 % n'y 2 Children son and daughter we stolen by there narc father even though I had sole custody. My son completely alienated from me, my daughter became him. It's been 17 years.. It was easy for him to do too because I have no parent or family co counter act his poisoning.
I left my narcissistic man but I have kids by him. It seems to me if he doesn't have me he doesn't want nothing to do with them... For advice how do I deal with it or moving forward.?
For the son to get to spend time with his father, he must take an interest in the things the father is interested in. But the father rarely shows interest in the things the son is interested in.
Yes, I have 5 sons and their father , while pleasant enough basically ignores them unless they are interested in HIS wants and likes.
Very true
@@jmwillilams023 yoI should seriously intervene so they don’t grow up and turn to drugs or something destructive like many of us boys did.
@@itskeagan3004 I do my best and am actively involved in my boys interests but a mother can NEVER replace a father. I've given it to God to do the rest.
@@jmwillilams023 I see…maybe nudging the father to learn the impacts…boys really need approval and encouragement, confidence is huge
You described my dad perfectly. Never really taught me anything. Just wanted to show himself superior. So true. Thank you, Dr.
For me it messes with me. Hearing my mother be abused like i was hurt me the most. And what kills mee is i have kids now, and deep down im like him. I get mad like him. I talk like him. But im trying. Trying to changethat before i self destruct. Peace ☮️ love and meditation. Iwill hopefully find before i check out.
What they do end up teaching us is are the exact opposite of what they should: that danger is safe and safe is dangerous; that abuse is love and that love is abuse. That we are the worst possible scum of the earth, while the entire reasoning for hating us is that we have good qualities that they covet.
Amen, kept me small my whole life then discarded when I got too strong "thanks dad" 😂
@@khrissalas6999 I could have typed that word for word.
@@khrissalas6999 you have the critical parent in the back of your head. Create a new identity which no one can't take from you
I'm 31 but my relationship with him has always been distant, he was never really emotionally available...we never had a time where I felt safe to open up because he was always dismissive and and just focused on what I should be doing in his eyes...no matter what I do, it is never enough, there will be another crack for him to criticize.
32. Same boat brother ✊🏾
I am 38 and same here
Same here bro. It was never enough whatever I did.
36 here too
29, same here
You described my father spot on. If it wasn’t for martial arts and mentors from working as a carpenter I would have been lost long ago.
I resemble your statement, was lucky trained as an electrician, left home and worked in the mining industry, he is 94 now, i am 71 took me a very long time to work him out, he is still the same, so much smarter than me, and so much more alone.
@@frankreynolds4812 wow 71, I hope to one day get past the feeling of neglect I've felt my whole life but I always feel like I'm missing something no matter what I do.
wow im thinking of joining martial arts i;m having real problem now im adult.
@@tomondiek2839Do it!
I love grappling, my brother does striking. Both are very fun!
Same brotha, fighting has healed so many wounds 🤙
A dismissive, emotionally distant and unavailable Father is devastating for any child. My son developed this feeling of unworthiness and depression years ago. Thank God things are getting better now as I made his father aware of the consequences of his actions and behaviour.
My father had similar behaviour. Cold as ice. Went without contact since 2004. He doesn't make any effort to restore contact. loved to ignore me when we were watching a doc on tv for instant, as a child. And i needed confirmation for the things i noticed, and only getting a ''mmm ,mmm''. I remember how insecure it made me feel. Suffering from the same problems as your son.
if he changed ...he wasn't a narcissist
@@augustpriest6945 This is likely true.
@@augustpriest6945 True
Narcissistic father’s wont ever take accountability for their actions.. if he did id be surprised lol
Nailed it! Fortunately my son turned out to be the exact opposite of his narc father. Kind, wise, caring towards others.
I hoping that’s the case for my 20 year old grandson! Yes my son is a narc,
Most children of narcissistic parents turn out to be the most caring, loving people you can ever meet.
All due respect tho of course he did, thankfully, cuz he was raised by the mother therefore he may be kind and caring but still raised to be a weak masculine man.. i know it cuz i was raised by a single mother.. a child needs a man and a woman present in a childs life.. now given the father was narcissistic you did the right thing but still your son may be nice and caring but hes probably not the man he deserves to be.. with all due respect 😊
@@Lonewolfalchemistfacts it happened to me. I have had lots of work to do. A reactive by the end of it substance abuser even as a good so called dude. Aint a good dude but it's one thing not to know another not to learn. Least I won't be a 50 year old toddler like him and arrogant in falseness. Fckinprick and he says I'm the one with the problems. That may be true but I'm lucky to not be so heartless. I'm also not too big a coward to admit my wrongs and know what I need to do unlike him and so many others. I'm gonna get better and sadly he never will. Least I know what not to do/be. Doesn't matter that I know bout dude stuff that doesn't get me anywhere. I'm gonna rebuild my life and avoid not only many family, already lost lots of friends and lots of significant others that were also no good. Most of my girlfriends have been covert or BPD cause I wanted to help them. I ain't helping anyone in significant relationships anymore I have to help me. I'll be friendly to whom I can be but I'll never throw my life line to people that secretly want me hung from the pier with it. Hurts but not as bad as the continual lie. Least now I know and can try to rebuild even if it is alone. Stay tough y'all
this is what I grew up with and now I haven't spoken to my dad in 20 years and good riddance, this video made me cry it's so accurate
I grew up under a father just like that.....he passed 11 years ago and I am still working to recover from that relationship. He was a good provider, but, he lacked any regard for my emotional needs. It was always about him.....very tough road to go down.....
I'll consider myself the lost child of a narcissist dad... So much of what you say hits home... I'm a burden, I'm to be seen and not heard, I am his servant... He worked for himself as a translator and I would stop by his office in our home to say hi, and he would want to show me a project he's working on with his computer... But it was weird because it wasn't the sort of dad wanting to bond type thing, I would be trapped for an hour while he showed me this and then that, and then how he made a change to his dBase program... And I was afraid to say.." thanks dad, but I'm working on stuff too...gotta go". He loved an audience, especially when it was about how smart he is... And then when I became an electrical engineer, I became savvy with mathematics... And he brought up Fourier transform from his days of teaching Medical imaging repair and maintenance... Because it sounds smart... I offered to show him how to calculate a Fourier transform. I've never seen him look so uncomfortable.
Relatable bro
When you say i gotta go you feel suden turn in his mood
"The father may turn up at the child's house someday unannounced to do some work he feels needs to be done." This is exactly what my father did!
Mine too. Everyone thought I was so lucky to have my father working on my home and in my yard. They had no idea what was really going on.
@@lacecurtainirish It has been so therapeutic finding videos like this because I thought I was the only one with this crazy situation. My father would show up to my house that I owned uninvited and throw away my things like my snow blower, scream at me for not shoveling my driveway first thing in the morning, lecture me for not maintaining my yard to his standards, etc. I always wanted a dog and was afraid of how he would react. I got a dog and was going to put up a dog run and he insisted that he was going to be over that next Saturday to help me put up the dog run. I insisted that I was going to do it myself. This lead to a giant fight and he called me screaming and swearing at me at my work phone. I held my boundaries and if he ever shows up on my property I am calling the police and having him arrested. I have not had to see or talk to him for three years and I wish I had gone no contact 20 years ago.
@Joe Williston I had no idea anyone else had those experiences. And you’re right, it is therapeutic finding these videos. I always thought my father had his own brand of crazy but after reading your reply I have to consider that he was not so unique after all. Unfortunately, I didn’t go no contact. In fact, I built a house on the property next door to him and stayed for 22 years, caring for him before his passing in 2020. I have, however, gone no contact with the rest of my family since. I guess I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to him or maybe I was just that brainwashed and gaslighted. Maybe both, not sure. I was definitely afraid though. I was well aware of how he sought revenge on anyone that crossed him, including family. Vicious, underhanded stuff. I can relate to your story about the snow blower. My father used to take my tools. Sometimes to keep for himself and other times to give to someone else. Or worse, he would take my newer tool and replace it with a crappy one he pulled out of someone’s dumpster. One time, he gave away my ride-on mower. Every day was an adventure. Most people can’t understand but I was so relieved when he died. I felt like I won some kind of survivor series reality show, because not everyone in the family survived his wrath. My mother was completely broken and died about ten years prior, my brother committed suicide, my adopted sister ran away and became an addict, and my oldest sister became a manipulative and controlling jerk just like him. Thank you for sharing your experience, and thank you for listening. ❤️
@@lacecurtainirish My father was exactly the same! The fear and vindictiveness is hard to explain to other people. When I finally kicked him out of my life, he held the mortgage on my house. I was paying the interest and principal and never late. He demanded my mortgage in full, so I had to give him $100,000. I paid him the money and he was officially dead to me. He continues to try to get back in my life by getting family and estrangement councilors to reach out to me and sends me nasty e-mails. I finally had to block him because his messages got me so worked up. I am glad to compare stories if you ever want to talk. Unfortunately he is still alive and torturing my mother. I look forward to the day he finally passes and we can be free.
Its what Doc PsyD. Lindsay Gibson says in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Inmature Parents
From my personal experiences, I can tell that my parent in rare ocassions does work on the house fixing something that isn't probably a great problem. We can need his help for something, he says that he will do it. Five months after that, he finally decided to make it. Of course that im in conflict with him!
This pretty f... up a lot of my sense of responsibility being a child and a young adult.
Making sense of all of this negligent and sometimes malignant behaviour permitted me to grow and heal, pretty slow, but it is better than being consumed by anxiety and being stuck in everything.
At the age of 50 I have removed my Narcissistic father from my life, better late than never.
I did the same but after he was tensed and got heart attack I left all my grudges and I just got stand with him in a matter of minutes then I admit him in hospital then he shows love and wating for me to come but flying monkeys don't want me to be with him . I was with him last 30 days in hospital and after discharge he got third heart attack ,he died and I got shattered. By all my foolishness thinking in old age I left my father . Bcz I take things personally.
This man just described my relationship with my father. Glad I'm not alone in this.
That was really helpful thank you. I got kicked out / found my freedom at 18 and I'm 45 this year. Still on the healing journey though, some days are better than others.
That is one of the things I fear the most. I know quite well that there are very few in my family who could be of sincere support to me.
My father considers himself the master of my life, and that he is owed all the respect in the world, that "one has to earn things".... How great my father is, every time he wants to, he addresses me with a mean thug tone of voice...to his own son, to a guy 20 years younger than him.
Sometimes it's hard to comprehend how ridiculous his considerations can be. Very few who can believe it. And by extension. Its sequels.
@@luisapaza317 better to be free and alone than to live in a fearful shadow. That's what worked for me. Good luck on your journey.
same here friend
Nailed it. I've spent 63 years of my life unraveling the layers of trauma. My dad was a good provider. And taught me a lot that has helped me to be successful today. But I can see how what happened to me has made my life more difficult than it needed to be. I can see how it has affected my choices and people to have relationships with. Thank you for sharing
The narcissistic father will give a task that is plain out dangerous for its own child. And the narcissistic father can show more affection to his dog than to his child.
My therapist recommended I watch this video. You described my father so perfectly in so many ways. Now I can understand that he isn't infallible, and begin to make sense of some of his bizarre behavior. I thought the problem was that I wasn't good enough. I can't believe it took me 34 years to realize this. Thank you Dr. Magee!
My father was jealous and envious of me since I was little. His jealousy referred above all to my mother's love for me, given that he had had a mother who only exploited him and put him in competition with his other siblings. Every opportunity was a good one to speak badly about me to my mother, behind my back obviously. What I blame my mother is that she didn't realize anything until I told her during an argument. She was shocked, she didn't speak for days. My father always put a spoke in my wheels, only criticism never encouragement, and how could he since he saw me as his rival? when he died I didn't feel anything, I only blame myself for having understood it only after he died, if I had understood it before I would have behaved accordingly.
Imagine paying for a therapist and he texts you a youtube video link 😩😩
I recognise a lot of what you describe, especially the lectures rather than converstions
I do too
Definitely. Even if you tried to have a conversation with him strange how my mother would say can you two stop arguing. If you had an experience he could tell you his was bigger and better! As a woman what did I know, whoo betide if you knew something he didnt, he'd argue that he knew that or you'd got it wrong.
Been there!
Mine used cliches. When I started to be more aware (very late), I asked him for an example from his own life. Crickets. This was all very damaging it appears. I see the traits are largely the same, and in hindsight it's clear he couldn't celebrate my accomplishments, but he really seemed indifferent.
My mother began (to his knowledge, g-d help my former infant self) physically abusing me during potty training. "What'd you do?", "I argued with her, but ultimately, I cried."
So he didn't protect me, and Co-dependency is my best guess, unless his trophy wife was a supply just too valuable?
I've been doing what I can to heal, but find myself (due to my "mental health difficulties" (mine now, dammit)) back in his house.
I see that nothing has changed, except that he's not going to try to hit me now. I know that in order to grieve and heal, I must reparent this little dude inside, and I imagine what it must've been like to be abused by one, and ignored by the other..nowhere to go, noone was there, even while present. Hard to believe and accept, but if I don't get "us" out of there, "we're" not going to make it.
Tough, as before this arose with such force in my life, I earned a Master's in Counseling, and was hoping to move through this enough to support others. Can't do that whilst stuck.
Sales, my former career, seems like a different person did that job.
Long write and read. Needed expression, so thanks to any who are still reading.
I'm listening to this as a younger sister to a brother who was mercilessly treated by our father. I copped the same but this video is for him. There is only one component missing and that is how often these fathers are not only verbally/emotionally abusive, but physically as well. I saw my dear brother being terrorized by dad and beaten badly over any trivial thing. My brother J was a good person yet nothing he did was right in dad's eyes. Dad wouldn't speak, he'd shout! J had a bad nervous breakdown when only 3 (I wasn't around till another 3 years later.) He started screaming with his hands clamped over his ears saying "Why are the birds so loud?! " and "Why is the clock ticking so loudly?!" He just went hysterical..he didn't get treated of course. Dad probably knocked it out of him like he did me when I had a breakdown age 9. (I got a beating every day and he'd heap words on me like I was no good and a bitch etc etc.) All done in loud screaming tones. I was beaten if I looked afraid and if not, beaten to put me in fear.
My dear brother today is retired now. He became a perfectionist workaholic. He was good looking and likable and had no shortage of friends. I think he just internalized everything and - became - narcissistic!
I still remember the kind words he showered on me one day when I was little telling me I was "a dear little girl and the sweetest in the world!" He was so kind and caring - now its criticism etc. But I think he partly realizes he has a problem. He is a multimillionaire and ceo of a large export company. Has a mansion and his own golf course salt water pool sauna etc etc overlooking a bay. But he loves nothing more than having people stay and looking after them. He always has friends or friends of friends staying.
How he turned out as well as he did is a miracle of God I believe.
One of the worse pains of my life was to see him being beaten.
It might he helpful to do a video to help people who suffered physical abuse from violent narcissists, to recover, if that's possible.
Remember that not just your horrific beatings, but your witness to his beatings, was also a form of trauma. My first love Gary was also horrifically beaten by his father, so much so that it caused permanent damage, and caused G to believe he had become disfigured. My love healed him for a time, but then my abusive mother drove us apart, due to hiss / my being one-another's resiliency / sanity-check against his father's abuse of him and my mother's abuse of me.
The really twisted part came when our abusers joined forces against us. We had no chance. We were both traumatized. I have gotten help, but I don't know if he ever did. The saddest part was knowing that he lived with his father after his divorce from a terribly abusive, exploitative woman for between 5 and 10 years (I'm not sure, as I only spoke to him during a short time during that period) in his 40s...so he was continually abused his entire life. When I tracked him down and called him a few times (1) his avoidant attachment style and my anxious attachment style led to my trying to meet withi him and his refusal to do so for fear of being loved then having his heart broken again and (2) his father, who had never met nor spoken to me a single time, referred to me as a 'trollop'. What a disgusting old bstrd.
My precious G is now in eternal fellowship with God our Father and has a good father now, surrounded by endless love. I pray for the day when he and I can see one another again (not exactly praying for death, just praying to see / be with him again when that time comes). He was so gentle and tender-hearted. A truly beautiful human with a precious heart. I'm thankful for every single moment in his presence and am a better person for having known him.
My story is similar but my sister turned on me. I wish you were my sister. Hehe. Thanks for your input.
God works in mysterious ways. I can relate to your story. I was a witness of physical violence and a victim, too (in the childhood). Your brother has strength inside seeing the light in the darkness.
Dear tryagain563,
I started to read your post and as I'm reading it, I'm thinking is this my sister writing this because it was verbatim my life and my name is John, then I got to the millionaire part and realized that some poor kid named J had the same miserable existence as me but at least he got something from his dad.
Thanks for your post.
J
I’m the youngest daughter of a man who wanted a son and every word you spoke is exactly how he treated me, right down to being told, “don’t ever get married.“ I never did get married because I was too afraid I would pick someone like him and be trapped just like my mother.
Yet it feels like the 3rd daughter in our family is the most loved and pampered
@@juliaf7068 The roles alternate because when I was growing up my beautiful older sister was the golden child and because she was treated as royalty I worshiped her and yet she hated me. I was unattractive and had crossed eyes and wore cat glasses lol and some people felt sorry for me but she for whatever reason hated and smeared me my entire life. In my adult life I became the golden child for like five minutes and then just as in the Bible, Joseph and his brothers, the true evil in her came out and I was crucified and left the dynamic and will never return. It’s a true sickness and if I’d been reading my Bible all along I would’ve understood it and I would’ve known how to handle it better emotionally. No one ever thinks such horrors go on behind cloaked family doors or that abuse will happen to them until it does.
I'm 50 and realized only in the last year my dad was narcissistic. He too told me "never get married", and I don't know why. It stuck with me though and I never did marry. I've been in a long-term relationship with a narcissist, and my two sisters ended up with similar men as well. I am doing everything in my power to protect my son from his dad's narcissistic behavior. It's been an open discussion with both my son and his dad about this. We live in a small town and I told his dad that my son and I might move if that's what it takes to get away from him.
@@lil_neon2210 keep your moves secret from the narcissistic people in your life
I was dumbstruck when I realized that was my fear as well. I watched this video to try and understand my brother more as we had a very narcissistic father. I realized recently that I've never gotten married because I'm too afraid of marrying someone like my dad or brother.
my narc father is proud for succeeding in doing illegal things. and insult my intelligence when I wanted to do the normal thing people do. I grew up not knowing which is right or wrong. There is so much, so much, triangulation that i feel so isolated, not knowing what is true or not.
I ve been there and feel the same good luck
Sorry about that keep educating yourself one day at time it wasn't your fault an adult who was to help you sabotage you that, I'm also learning in order to help my son 6 years old, his Narc Dad isn't I believe he's a bad influence. Don't give up
Very sad. You know that lying, stealing and hating a person is wrong (3 of many examples) but because your father bragged on lying and stealing you feel confused. He made it a subjective thing instead of an outright wrong! You are *not* your father! You can be better than he! He would soon be telling you what's right and what's wrong if *he* was lied to or stolen from!!
Do what you know is right bro and have peace in your heart as a result. All the best to you.
My father said to me as a 40 year old man, “I need to destroy your self esteem”. I don’t even get upset any more. I just laugh.
Thanks so much for this video. This is literally 90% of the relationship I have had with my father. Even as an adult, when I try to have a mature conversation with him, he acts like he’s the victim and gets defensive if I bring up anything from the past.
Even after getting away from an abusive narcissistic person, one has to spend quite some time retraining their brain. Often times the narcs don't even understand the damage they have dealt it's upsetting.
What damage? They can't possibly cause damage, because they're perfect.
Yes they do understand. They know exactly what they are doing to those they chose to target.
They 're just the type of person who knows how do manipulation fonction . therefore they are very good at and concious of how painless they are. They know exactly what they are doing.
This is exactly my father. It's like you have met him. Thank you for this video.
My narcissistic father has spent most of my adult life treating me like a boundary violator for wanting to criticise him. Have you come across this behaviour of a narcissist, the ultimate boundary violator, projecting this behaviour onto their victim? Would be glad to see a video on this topic.
Thank you for your comment and suggestion, and yes I have seen how they often accuse others of doing the very things that they do themselves.
Look PPP p
The reactive abuse, oh... its a terrible energy drainer
Definitely it's my life story. I can't believe there are so many others. Wild. Stay tough y'all. I know it's maddening but least we know who not to be 😢
My father to a T! As a young boy I idolised him and was painfully proud and boastful of his being a pilot. l now realise this was sad compensation for a bastard who abandoned our family - wife and four children. Had karma not caught up with him I'm certain I would have eventually knocked him out cold. He was a pathetic grandiose narcissist and alcoholic who contributed only DNA to his offspring. I felt I never measured up, but I have far surpassed his modest achievements and vowed never to subject my son to the same torture I endured. Despite a rocky start I have had a successful and fulfilling life. Thanks for the video Darren
✊😊♥️
Sounds like my father exactly. And used religion to manipulate and deceive and traumatized and torture. At age 38. I have finally cut off and trying to my best to heal and move on
Every single word spoken in this video exactly matches my dad. I realised it before but couldn't articulate it well enough for myself, my mom, and my brothers. Thank you, Darren.
This described my ex husband that took my children, wouldn't give them back then lied to the courts about me. They've lived with him 3 years now and my son is having to deal with exactly this it's awful to watch him change so much and he's now displaying narcissistic traits himself. He thinks everything I say is wrong or stupid . Dad has completely twisted his little mind in every way it's awful to witness.
Im very grateful to watch this video at young age (18) ,I just finished school.
Everything in this video is so relatable. Soon im going to be indepent.
Your description is the closest I have found to my relationship with my own father. He and my mother divorced when I was 12. My mother is the one who wanted out of the marriage. My father was indifferent to me and I cannot describe what that did to me especially since I wanted to live with him. He wouldn't take me so I had stay with my mother and her new husband. My step father was jealous of and resented me. Of course dad was jealous of me too. How sick is that? My own father. I will say there will be no peace from this until God calls me home. I try to ignore things that cause me pain and grief. Of course that is about as helpful as getting drunk alone. Interesting video thank you for making it!
This was my life. I used to hide under the bed as wee boy and spent my life trying to be good enough over compensating by working too hard to feel proud of myself and make him proud of me. The solution I found at 39 years of age was disengagement. I have led a very different life since and I am 67 now.
I'm 39 now... I'm going to do this
im 19 just recently figured out that you can still honor your parents... just from a distance with proper boundaries. can't wait to move out
Thank you for your time and effort sharing your insight on these subjects
Thank you and you’re welcome 👍
Almost word for word of what I’ve been going through my whole life …..
very unfortunate that this is the case but good thing I’m smart enough and strong enough to stand strong on my own & become the man that I am and want to be 💪🏽
Excellent content and presentation, really true, loved the example of the 6 year old party. These fathers are embarrassing and really hold their children back sadly from becoming their own best selves. The children are never seen as individuals with their own unique personhood, just an extension of the narcissist father. It literally carries on in to adulthood, unless the child breaks away.
What an amazing description of my father, 90%+ match! Thank you so much for such a gratifying conformation my childhood experience! Very helpful insights!
My brothers and my dad. I @m 67, still dealing with their grandiosity.
That's my daddy...i realised who he is just now (I'm 38). My father when asked to help usually mocks me and tries to show how stupid I am. It took me years to understand that he doesn't know the answer himself. He never helped me with anything at school but makes stories how thanks to his effort and support I graduated with MA. He's an alcoholic but doesn't drink for 3 years now. At certain point I realised I was being sexually attracted to men that resembles him (physically and behaviour-wise, also alcoholics). Last year I also noticed that I'm copying my father - buying the same cars he had, same style of clothing. It feels like merging with him. I'm the older son. I have a 1 year younger brother. I was a very sensitive kid. Always under protection of my mother. My little brother had similar interests and even physical look like my dad. So he became "the chosen one". I was confused because on one hand my dad was saying: you're my firstborn son (kind of asking me to assume some role) but then he just ignored me for all the time. Last month I went to visit my parents. I live in another country. I haven't seen them for a year. I gave my dad a watch he wanted as a gift. He took it and said: ok, I'm gonna watch some tv, there's some sport today. So he thought it was perfectly okay after 5 minutes of seeing me just to go away and watch TV. My mum reacted stopping him. But me, at this very moment it struck me like a lightning: my father has a huge problem with himself.
You were sexually attracted to men like him? Was it due to a lack of love?
@@a-lee-legendaryis-forever6045 Thank you for your comment. Yes, I still am. Actually I joke now about it. My unfulfilled love interests, friends, even housemates, often have alcohol or narcissistic personality issues. From what I understand, how our psyche works: when we're little our parents create a pattern that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. The picture of my mum in my head created a general woman image. The same with my father, he became a symbol of masculinity and my desires.
Thank you, you explained it so well and demonstrated your proficiency in this field very well. Can't believe I gave my father this many chances, he blew it every time. 100% narcissist!
This is so painful to watch because somebody i love doesn't see how much his father has effected him...its destroying his individually and creativity..
Excellent description. I do finally understand some of the patterns in my family and how and why they are related. It really helps to understand the overall construct why certain thing went a certain way
My son's father demands respect but shows none back.
These men know very little about how to parent...
Always bring down my son in front of others and treats him like s***.
Bingo! I have been trying to figure this all out, but my father said exactly what you stated. Children are to be seen and not heard, and when I cried because my dog got hit by a car, he said "Your little brother is more of a man than you'll ever be!" From that day on I hated him and myself, and it set me on a very destructive course for a long time.
My dad by his strong in-action let my beloved dog, die. Yes, simply that. His negligences caused it. Not only by the point of my dogs day of death, but by much time ago, im standing out to him. Subjects like these don't deserve respect. Nor contemplations.
I feel so sad that my son’s covert narc dad hurt him so terribly. I hope my son now 25 will have peace. His father just passed away.
My father was jealous and envious of me since I was little. His jealousy referred above all to my mother's love for me, given that he had had a mother who only exploited him and put him in competition with his other siblings. Every opportunity was a good one to speak badly about me to my mother, behind my back obviously. What I blame my mother is that she didn't realize anything until I told her during an argument. She was shocked, she didn't speak for days. My father always put a spoke in my wheels, only criticism never encouragement, and how could he since he saw me as his rival? when he died I didn't feel anything, I only blame myself for having understood it only after he died, if I had understood it before I would have behaved accordingly.
I have been looking at this stuff for over a year now...this is the best description I have found. Very detailed - thank you!
Indeed these are the best descriptions of what it is like to be a son of a narcissistic father. You have a natural tallent to explain it very well. To bad that i don't live in Ireland because I would love to speak to you about this. It is very very hard to find mental help or support that really do understand these destructive patterns.
Same
Thanks for yo ur insight .
I have recommended your channel to people that I know
Thank you so much for your kind support 👍
I remember I was 19 and I just got into stock trading and I turned $300 into $10,000 and I was so proud and I showed it off to him just for him to criticize me and tell me I’m going to lose it all, just makes me never be proud about any of my achievements
My husband was raised by a verbally & physically abusive narcissistic (german) mother and a busy ( well to do) workaholic father. Although he was able to have a decent relationship with his father in the past, it has steadily become more & more strained, until it became basically non existent. His father is retired now, & home with that bitter woman 24/7. I feel sorry for him. My husband reaches out to call him occasionally, but he shows little, if any interest in talking to my husband. And his mother never speaks to him )& hasn'tfor years. I believe my husbands father is so brainwashed by her negativity & lies that he'll never have a real relationship with his son again....not to mention me or his grandson, who he hasn't seen since his birth 14 years ago. Truly heart breaking.
Please do a video on narcissistic mothers , complacent fathers & the children. Thank you
Thank you for your suggestion and thanks for watching. Most of all thanks for sharing.
It could be that his father is a covert narcissist or his wife won't allow him to talk to his son? My enabling father is the same. My narc mum pulls all the strings and dictates what he can do, who he can speak to. Although my dad recognises her toxic behaviour and has enough money to leave, he chooses to stay. He's never expressed any interest in me or my life so I let him go. I read an article about ignoring narcissistic mother's, which sounds like my dad.
@@nicolesala6870 I suppose my husbands father is an enabler or covert narc. He's always excused her behavior in the past, I have to assume that his father has been poisoned further by her since his retirement since he's gone no contact with his son over the past 7 years. The whole family ( including his sister) no longer speak to each other. Thank God he at least had a loving grandmother. I'm sorry it's happened to you as well. Was the article informative? If so, maybe you could share it?
@@Lucky13888 was the loving grandma maternal or paternal side? Tbh, whether or not enabler or narc, a narcissist wouldn't be able to abuse their chosen target without the flying monkeys. I have very conflicting feelings about my dad and his contribution to this mess. Hopefully your husband recognises the toxicity.
@@nicolesala6870 Frankly my husband never recognized his mom as toxic until he saw how other moms treated their children. When we first met he would tell me it was a German thing not show affection, or express love in a family. I knew that sounded bizarre & must be wrong on his part. And yes, over many years he's seen loving families & been able to reflect on his past. Its too painful for him, so he retreats from conversations about it that are too lengthy. His grandmothers on both sides treated him kind, but the closest most meaningful relationship was with his paternal grandmother. She was lovely to me as well, although she spoke no english...we tried our best to communicate 😄. They were quite close & spoke by phone often ( we were living in the U.S) . He was very affected by her passing.
Thank you Darren. This video explains my so called father to the “T” it’s actually scary how accurate you are. I just wanted to say thank you because it really helped me understand what he has and what he is and what I’ve been going through my entire life and also my family. I don’t think he will ever get help, but this really helped me a lot. 🙏🏻✌🏻❤️🙂
Please could you do a video outlining the narcissistic father and daughter relationship?
Thank you for your suggestion
I could pick out plenty of similarities on here this was like listening to someone talk about my father but it would be interesting to hear if there is much difference between father and son/daughter
It is uncanny how much of this is accurate of my father... This has left me blaming myself and being blamed for years for a poor relationship to the point I can have nothing to do with him. He is just about to turn 95 and after a life of abusing his nuclear family he is now the consummate and ardent victim. In the process turning extended family against me, meaning once again just ignoring that group. I leave in fear of being like him.
I have three children (23 year old son, 20 year old daughter, 17 year old son). My husband works from home and I go to work everyday. So my husband spends more time with the children. My husband has always been horrible to the older son. On the contrary, he is always nice fatherly with the other two children. Sometimes when I come back from work, I find my husband my daughter and my younger son either sitting together or sharing time together or chatting or teasing each other or sharing pizza or cooking together or watching a comedy or playing a video game and so on. I ask them where the older son is, everybody shrug their shoulder as if he should not even be in this house. When the older son hears me being at home, he comes downstairs and we have a small chat about each other's day etc. I have chat with my daughter and son too but it feels like the older son is only my son, it feels like my older son is not their brother or his son. It is hearth breaking. As my husband is at home all the time, this situation is very intense at home. I could not understand why the situation in our home was like this. I wanted to divorce him but then you had two other children who would be deprived of their father. However, seeing videos like this, I have realised my husband is a narcist and my daughter has developed narcissist traits. If I knew about narcissism 20 years ago, I would definitely divorce my husband, I would definitely live separately from him, most importantly would keep his involvement in the children's life to a minimum because he has effected all of my children's life. My older child who is 23 finished the university has a job and a girlfriend but still has confident issues which is very upsetting. My daughter who is 20 years old at university studying law but complains about everything, teachers are stupid, friends are useless, I am a terrible mother, she insults me or never values my opinion, for example, she tells me I am a foreigner what would I know (I am Kurdish and my husband is English by the way) why do I not get back on my boat go home (which makes my husband giggle), she keeps telling me she is taller and more beautiful than me (to which I do not say much and just laugh it off thinking she is young and has little life experience and hope as she gets older she will be more sensible) she is desperate for attention, instead of reading her law books she reads books about how to manipulate and tells me how she tried on people and it worked. My younger son who is 17 years old is acting like he does not have to do anything because his father will leave him properties.
I'll have to watch this over and share her again. Thanks for this video. Explains a lot of my suspicions of my dad
I had to reach out to my grandma to start a relationship with my father at the age of 26. We've gone years not keeping in touch. The weird part is he feels that he contributed to my life experiences.
"Yes, dad. You taught me what NOT to do." :)
This is a fantastic summary and description. Thanks so much for making this video.
You are so spot on. Your knowledge is very validating, thank you.
I like hearing different perspectives on this topic. Thanks for making this video, I deeply appreciate it
Right on! You hit the nail on the head with this video !!
I am glad that I've found this video. I recentrly got married but have met my husband's father and instantly saw his behaviour towards him and it's exatly how you described. His father tgrows parties and celebrates every little thing and we've stopped comming because it's all about him, his narc wife and her adult children. We are expected to come and just exist there, bobody would pay any attention on us. That made them angry and they decided to retailate so they interfered and tampered with our wedding celebration. That's when my husband, his son, decided to confront him and it was taken so unwell it's almost funny. The man tried to escape couple of times, spoke nonsence, played a victim, lied, blamed me for everything and decided to disown his son because he was critisized and given boundaries, rightfully so! I feel bad for my husband... I've been imagining him as a little kid who nedeed his dad's love and acceptance which he never got it. I can't understand how someone can hate his child and disown it. I adore my hubby, I am so proud and loving to be his wife. He stood up for us but mainly he stood up for HIMSELF.
Excellent video. It took me 30+ years to realize my father had a toxic personality. I excused it with dads just being dads but even my friend’s dads were far more fatherly looking back. I gradually learned to be avoidant with my dad because I would get shut down for opening up. I had a childhood of shaming, comparison, being pushed away, score keeping, being told to be someone I wasn’t, getting yelled at and the occasional physical abuse. He always made excuses about what he went through growing up or how his dad raised him so poorly because his dad went through a war. In recent years he’s definitely been more vulnerable and outwardly insecure but he’s becoming an old man whose increasingly isolated and whose friends are dying. I would be lying if some of his traits didn’t rub off on me because I had him as my primary male role model and he had a veneer of respectability growing up. Thankfully the world is generally moving in a better direction and even I’m being called on and fixing some of the poor behaviors I picked up.
Thank you for sharing this. Watching this video really helped to make sense of some things I've been experiencing with my father for a very long time.
I appreciate you so very much. I never quite knew what it meant when certain people said narcissistic father but now I do and I see very clearly that that is what I must deal with for the rest of time
I am 16 and i know as soon as I turn 22 or 23 ,I am gonna move out to a better place and cut all ties with my father, he's extremely narcissistic and believes he's the only one who has a good opinion, mine and anyone else's opinion in the family are treated like trash, my grandmother is also like that, but thank God I got a good mother ❤️ blessing in disguise.
Hey man, I moved to another country when I was 19, but all this trauma and realization hit me when I was 20. What I want to say is that, try to go through this with therapist when you move out. It is really hard by handling it yourself only.
This is so spot on. Especially the disrespect of the mother and weaponizing the son to punish her. How do you save children like that? Seriously
The malignant narcissist alcoholic ex I divorced has caused so much pain damage ptsd self image and self esteem issues in my sons that he has coercively controlled
Berated belittled bullied all their lives
Thank you for sharing I hope you all get the support you need
I think we've all been berated belittle and bullied but my parents are still married and taking so long before I could put a name to this its now gone on to affect our childrens lives. The whole family right now is broken into little gangs. I have no trust in anyone in my family. For years I've let them in shown my vulnerability and then got hurt its a cycle that just goes around and around.
Very helpful and well presented. Thank you.
The best video on this topic.. excellent. Thanks
You described my dad and my childhood exactly. I had to stop reading the comments, I couldn't handle the pain.
I wish I found this 30 years ago. It's taken me decades to figure out what was going on, and why i hate my dad. And why I still self sabotage. Such is the life of the scapegoat...
The song and lyrics to "Cats in a cradle" is a song my husband dedicated to our son... I've always had to be both parents to my son even though my sons "sperm donor deadbeat" has always been under the same roof physically... My son comes to me for everything because me and my Family are the support to my sons drive in life... we have financially secured his future, invested in his mind body and soul with support and love. .. my family is blessed to see what a young well rounded 20 year old man my son has become... narc dad's are dangerous! So I had to step things up and my family saw the signs and stepped in... we all know it stemmed from a narcissistic mother to my husband... and we had to break the cycle... if children are involved we have to step up and redirect to break this cycle!... peace and love
Yep, I was 12. I was reading about car equipment. My father was in his chair, reading the paper. I asked him how a tachometer worked. Without looking up from his paper he said, “Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.”
My narc father's mask fell once my kids were born. He demanded that I only spend holidays with my "family", my kids have to go to his school of choice, my kids have to take certain middle names. "Blood is thicker than water", "you can choose your friends but not your family." He talks at me, lectures me, monologues ad nauseum. He knows more than me, is upset that I do not go to him for advice anymore. I am 45 years old. Lastly he picked one of my kids as his favourite, as his weapon to get me to feel shame for choosing a different school to his choice. He demanded I reconcile with my narc "Golden Child" brother or I would be financially punished.
Marc Wilson mine says he wont give advice anymore because noone takes it, he feel we just want to blame him when it doesn't work out! I think he means because we try to make our own decisions and dont do as he says...
@@juliaf7068 yip, that sounds about right. Narcs are always the victim, except when they're the heros. My father complained last year to my mother that he's hurt because I don't go to him for advice anymore. I haven't since 2006 because I'm independent. He hates that.
I adored my father as a child and growing up wondered what I'd do if he died. Well the older I got the more I realised I didn't like his behaviour. I've been abandoned twice out of this family. Infact he stops talking to whom ever he has the problem with, and the rest if the family follow.
A good quote from here was
"Better to be on the wrong side than on the wrong side of the abuse."
Oh this is my family...
But to get back in you have to apologise either way. How Messed up is that.
@@juliaf7068 wow! Your relationship with your father sounds like mine. I was on the receiving end of silent treatment for close on 10 years because I did not send my kids to the school of his choosing. He would only sms me if he needed something. My brother is his narc clone. An awful person who everyone just loves. He would not speak to me because I kicked up a fuss when he did not invite my kids to his kid's parties. Then my narc father threatened to financially punish me if I did not make up with my brother. I had to apologise and now I am back in the circle of "trust". However mentally and emotionally I am keeping them at arms length. It's so messed up!!!!
@@marcwilson368 oh totally.
I was annoyed my siblings children grew up close with mine but then mine weren't invited to one of their cousins parties. I was upset for my kids. I went but I paid for mine to do the activity. Then we didn't get invited back for pizza, I'd have Brought mine own if if was the cost being the problem. Then they moved away never saw these "friends" again and family were still family. Yet I was causing causing problem. These days I would just say okay fine sorry kids your not invited to your cousins birthday! But back then I couldn't understand why.
You've described my husband's dad. They are the nearest family to us but never helped when we needed it. Then my husband then jumps when he calls. I never understood but now I see.
Doesn't teach, instruct, or encourage. Exactly right. He accomplished his mission with all of his children except me. Regardless what he said, I stayed focused. I am reaping the benefits now😊
Great video, although also painful to hear the description of all the damage my son has suffered from his narc father. Can you make a video on the role of the mother in a relashionship like this and what she can do to help her son avoid being hurt from the father's behavior?
Oh PLEASE make this video!
Omg my son is suffering so bad right now my son has been diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder. He finished college and it wasn’t good enough he became a master barber played football he always played good ball but not good enough in his father’s eyes. I don’t know what to do. He is 27 yrs old and just self medicated because of his father 😢😞😢
My mom always threw herself between my dad and me or my sisters, when he started hitting out. This made him beat her to within inches of her life, accusing her of spoiling us. Nothing she ever did was good enough.
Even when l spent the lockdown stuck with him, l had so much joy in fixing his garden. One day he yelled blue murder at me, saying l should be sitting in front of a computer, like him, learning stuff.
Nothing you ever do will ever be good enough. Mom and l had always had quality time over a cup of tea and a chat and laugh. That's all l think a mom can do.
I told my mom how much l appreciated how she stood up for us. She died a few years ago.
Having been myself harmed, I've come across "The Minnesota Men's Conference ", and listened to wise men (Robert Bly. John Lee) speaking to group s of men.
It makes me think that a good Men's Group is a good route. Even if you just check it out (on YT), these men are processing woundedness, and seems awesome. I'd recommend Bill Moyer's interview with Robert Bly..it gives a good taste, and although his father was an alcoholic, many of the same wounds (not seen, not validated nor encouraged) seem at play.
Best to you and your son, and it's just fantastic that you're trying to find a way to help them. As Robert will explain, it takes men to make a man, and it generally cannot be the father anyway. Best.
My mother just looked the other way. Sometimes she aided him.
Really informative and well said
This is on the money sir! Thanks i needed this
You described my ex using my son to punish me. And the alineación is so sad . Breaks my heart to see my son growing up in this toxic environment. His dad is a judge and lie to win custody
My biological father is just like this. It took me long time to realize. I was conditioned since birth by religion that we must blindly and completely surrender to Parents and this is what the guilt that ate me away and never allowed me to separate. I believed if I’m bad to parents god would punish me and my life would be cursed. But I did my research and realized that this wasn’t the truth yet alone rational. My mother brother and sisters are all blinded and sunk into his trap. I hope I hope can finally heal one day. Thanks for the video
My father used to scream I demand your respect. This video is amazing. Thank you Darren.
Yes. Thank you for this.
OMG you have just in every single way, identified every Single little thing about My NARCISSISTIC Father, - - Thank-you for definitely doing and Showing this Fantastic Video.
Sincerely:: yours M
Michael I’m very hopeful that you have a mother who loves you unconditionally. If you do, PLEASE let her know that you value & appreciate her, regardless. As the mother of an only child married to a narcissist, understand I’ve been through a lot regardless of a divorce that never made him go away haha. Sure, my son & ex have always known my son comes first to me & has since he was born 46 years ago! After my son grew up & moved out, I did too. Let him keep the house & started over in a one br apartment. Eventually bought the house next door to my son & his family bc I love them all, and wanted to be close as baby sitter to my grandson 14 years ago. We’re a close family & all love each other. Yet, my ex visits my house daily. 🤦♀️ He’s still cruel to our son with his son. I’m sure he’s always been jealous of him, so it’s possible your dad is too. That sure doesn’t take away from the value of you sons. These men have destroyed their own value by not showing love to their own sons. I just wanted to share a mother’s point of view with you. I’m 60 years of age now, so my ex is no longer preventing me dating. I gave that idea up several years ago. Very grateful for my peaceful home, minus the visits. The reason I don’t ban him is that he is the father of my son next door, who he rarely visits fortunately. The old man is physically harmless, so I let it go. It’s a complicated situation, but my son knows I’m always in his corner; always. His dad has nowhere else to go at this point in our lives and I have never been cruel. I’m just sorry your Mom & I didn’t choose more wisely in our youth, but as I told my son, we would not have our same wonderful sons without those guys! My son learned from him how not to be, so has a great relationship with his teenage son! I’m very proud of him, so hopefully you have learned from your dad how not to be, and are able to appreciate your mother, providing she has always been there for you. I’m hopeful on that. GBU :)
spot on man! This man is speaking the truth!
Thanks for this video. You've just described my father in a nutshell.
Excellent work.
My Father has signs of both covert and overt. He was never happy with my achievements and he tend to badmouth me to other people to make himself look good or better. He never acknowledged and recognized every food thing I did for him and the family. He is so arrogant, don't want to accept constructive criticisms. He was always right and he always thought he is the right and the best person I. the world. This has triggered my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder but despite being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I tried every step to I can to reach my dreams where he never was supportive. He keeps telling me and other people I can't make it. He used to invalidate every little thing about me. He is an irresponsiblealcoholic Father. He never sustained the family needs. I studied away from home and never listened to him. Now I am a registered nurse and a clinical instructor.
Spot on. As if talking about my father word for word.
This is so sad to listen to, but I needed to hear it.
I’m having trouble finding a description of a narcissist that fits my dad. He is a doctor, very old now and unable to retire because he’s been horrible with finances his whole life, and supposedly Catholic. He raised us all to think he was well nigh God in terms of his knowledge and wisdom. We always were so proud of him that he was a surgeon and always told people he was. I never felt that he listened to me growing up, but rather that he would tell me what to think or feel. But again, he was a highly educated, religious man who supposedly has an IQ of 168 (at this point most likely a lie). Today, I feel so invalidated, confused, insecure and inside out that I have to believe he was evil in the most sick, twisted way. But he never had these rage fits that people speak of nor was he necessarily physically abusive. There are indications that he fits more the description of a psychopath than a narcissist, because he is able to demean himself enough to act respectable. I think he might just be a genuinely horrible monster, but then again there may be a more common, relatable explanation for this.
I tick all boxes, thanks it helps to get clarity.
My dad had a barn,
not just a barn,
but a barn where he parked his truck.
Yet we lived in the city.
He drove his gravel train doing his work,
yet I'd be damned to find myself wondering about all the tools and parts kept in the barn.
If he'd want me to help him, it was something where he was beating on tires to repair his truck.
The sound was so deafening, that I'd just rather go away than to be there. Which I did.
Then he would wonder why I didn't want to help him,
but everything my sister did to help my dad was just fine.
Almost everything I did to help, was I wasn't doing it right.
I was almost grateful not to be out there with him,
and I didn't understand why my younger sister helped him so better than me.
I have court in two weeks and I’m terrified I won’t be able to prove my case, I cant afford a lawyer. But I feel much better after watching this that I can do it. Thanks so much.
it's like everything I like or show interest in my dad has to hate and mock me for I don't understand it.
Thank you so much
Spot on!
Great video Darren thanks a lot, I can resonate with this and family members. Also did you know there's an orb flying by on the right of video, fairly good size, at about 7:45 minute mark? You were saying 'just keep going until you get the outcome you wanted'. 😊
You have just described my son’s father, and our poor boy protects him, lies to police, child protection, and lies for his father. But, he is starting to realize what he has lived through and he’s getting more and more angry and acting out dangerously. I wish the courts were better educated/equip to put a stop to these situations. This is without doubt child abuse and we need change now. Thank you for speaking on this and bringing understanding to what so many of us around the world are experiencing. Thank you.
Wow this is the closest explanation to my relationship with my father i have heard, 37 and still trying to get over it haha
39 an it still effects me
My dad did that and unfortunately for him his sons turned out so different.. great family men.. thank you Lord Jesus Christ ❤
Thank you, thank you, Thank. You. Thank. You.
It was the opposite of my father: he wasn't successful in the truest sense, but a failure, so he wanted his sons to be failures as well.