The Covert Narcissistic Husband
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- čas přidán 23. 10. 2020
- In this video Darren Magee discusses the typical behaviours and characteristics in a relationship with a covert narcissistic husband. Typical behaviours include:
Constant state of discontent and strain
Lack of assertiveness
Passive aggression
Judgmental and critical
Quiet smugness, scornful
Dismissive of wife's opinions, beliefs, experiences, needs
Self Absorbed, conceited
Ungrateful
Unable to enjoy the moment
Wounded hero
Lack of empathy
Lack of meaningful connection
Dependant on wife for self esteem
Sensitive to criticism
Guilt tripping
Gaslighting
Blame shifting
Other videos you might find interesting:
The Histrionic Male
• The Histrionic Male
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Managing Boundaries with narcissists (Part 1)
• Managing Boundaries wi...
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• What Attracts a Narcis...
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack
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#covertnarcissist #narcissistichusband #vulnerablenarcissist
The videos I make are topics suggested by you the viewer. Feel free to suggest any mental health or psychology subjects you'd like me to cover in future videos. Just a reminder though, these videos are not a substitute for support from a mental health professional.
Have you done any videos on covert narc mothers/fathers please?
@@alisonwraight2020 I’ve made videos on narcissistic parents yes
@@DarrenFMagee Thank you. I couldn't see any in the playlists but will search further.
I haven't really looked into it or searched for videos but I'm curious if these covert types can get professional help and actually awaken to their ways of being?
You are a wonderful psychologist !! Thank You!! Topic suggestion . How about "when the Narc husband is outwardly telling the wife he hates her " and "how the Narcissist behaves on vacations". OMGosh.. don't ever go on a three day canoe trip together ... it's the wife, the canoe and the wilderness... he gets you out there alone and starts the berating , of course it is ur fault for "starting it" like you do every time. Just a suggestion .. thank you soo much!!
Trying to debate a narcissist is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good a player you are he will strut around the board shitting all over it, knocking over the pieces and then declare that he has won.
I’m going to remember that, playing chess with a pigeon. Brilliant,
I feel you. It makes me sad
& He forgets the lie told 2 minutes ago.
Hahahaha 😁 yes that's exactly correct
Oh you made me laugh so hard, you certainly enjoy a comical overview. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
😂🤣 How true & love the analogy!!
This is uncanny since it describes my soon to be ex husband.
Out in the world, he’s Mr Wonderful but inside the house he’s a soul sucking narcissist and I’m the crazy one.
❤
It's so horrible!! And them they come back talking about how so&so thinks this about them, is so surprised by there ability for mature conversations, so respectful...blah blah blah...and then at home you get the ignorant ass that is so self-absorbed with their own awesomeness and how much everyone else likes them.
ummmm, that's coz no-one else is dealing with the same crap as you 🤦♀️
Soul-sucking is exactly what they are...just like the un-dead
Yup everyone thought mine was such a great guy. Soul sucking is on point.
run
With him in a counseling session. The counselor looked at me and said, "You've never experienced marriage." Yes, it is a sham, never a true marriage when a narc is involved.
Marti Walsh. Lucky you, I was blamed.
No idea was a good idea unless it was his idea.
Thats something good to realise I think. Its true, one could not experience an actual real marriage when one is a narc, so true. Makes you think, how does that affect the children if any, in that situation. Their expoaure to marriage is what?
It angers me that I was duped for not only the 11 years of marraige but the other many years connected to it because I didn't understand till recently that he fit the whole covert narc persona. I am grateful for these videos educating me.
@@ericnorthman9410 Why does it take us so long to see what is really going on? But we can be thankful that we didn't take any longer. I wish everybody could wake up with the snap of the fingers but that's just not how it works.
Oh yes, the half-assed attempt they make when asked to do ANY domestic chore whatsoever. They intentionally only do it half-way, or…somehow otherwise intentionally screw it up, and then when they see you doing it over yourself later…they will point out how - “Nothing I ever do is ‘good enough’ for you! And that’s exactly why I don’t do this stuff!”. Manipulative to the core.
Omg yes
Oh yes, this has been my experience over and over, thank you for saying this - recognising his behaviours in other‘s comments has been so helpful at untangling the insanity.
Weaponised incompetence. Weaponised ignorance. Selective memory… It goes on and on…
Strategic incompetence
Cheryl:
Omg!! I thought it only happened to me. No one else on any Narcissist site ever mentioned this. I wonder why. I spilled my guts out so many times about this lunatic! Thank you!
You have just described the last 45 years of my wasted life! Thank you for validation of my feelings of frustration, betrayal, and emotional abuse that has felt so lonely for many years.
Big hugs! I felt your wods deeply...I am in the same boat. I feel like my life could have had so much more love in it if I had not been conned by the narc. Best of luck to us both!
❤
You’re not alone. 34 years it was, for me. Free now.
same here....29 years, free for a year now and LOVING it! Like a vacation with no end date!
Amen!
So much of what you said applies especially how self absorbed he is. It’s like being married to an eleven year old man child.
Jacqueline Gallagher,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
Totally. That's as far as they're emotional arrested self can grow to. Not past 11 years old. Your lucky he reached 11 in a grown mans body. Mine is 4 years old but once in a while acts like 10 - if I'm lucky..
@@christianpulisic7784
She has a nice face and smile.
My ex-husband wanted a mommy so he could be a little boy with his toys.
My brother is like this too. He has the mind of an eight year old and thinks the world revolves around him.
More and more I'm realizing I married my brother. I am grossed out inside at the thought because I hate HATE my brother. I reckon I hate my ex-husband too.
Immature, bratty, selfish, rude, egocentric, and dumb.
@@spacegirl226
The first part is exactly like my husband.
Gaslighting being ignored combined with slowly but methodically trained not to have an opinion.
Thank you for your information..
I actually told my husband “you have trained me well to not have an issue or confront you on a problem. It’s just not acknowledged no matter how much I tried to discuss. “ he just looked at me kind of sad face but no verbal response. This was a few years ago before I even heard of covert narcissist. 33 years in our relationship slowly deteriorated
That hit a nerve. I'm not allowed to have an opinion without it being taken as a personal attack, even if I said nothing at all about him. Another way of saying that is, If I say something he disagrees with, he takes it as a personal attack. One must not have an opinion and one must not ever have a passionate opinion, these are NEVER allowed. 🤣
I jest, but at the end of the day you just stop saying anything to stop them from making out you're some kind of monster, who is out to get them with your harmful opinions.
So now we just have long uncomfortsble pregnant pauses instead of two way conversations, because conversations were only ever started by you. And now you start nothing, to avoid upset and conflict. 🥴
That hit a nerve. I have said that so many times. I gave up trying to have an opinion a long time ago. We've been apart now for 4 years. He still tries to give me my opinion and tell me he has to make my decisions because I do it wrong. We share a twelve year old child. But about 2 weeks ago, I just blocked him. I told our son he can text him if he wants to see him and let me know. But if he has my number its nothing but the same things I dealt with for 10 years and I need to be finished with all that. When he texted me to yell about my tattoo I got with my best friend to tell me how he couldn't believe I would do that to him (She reminds him of the worst part of our marriage when I told him I wanted out). Getting a Sisters tattoo with MY best friend of 10 years was somehow a jab at him. I still don't get it.
“Trained to not have an opinion” wow. You’re right. I find myself saying things like “well he didn’t really make me do X, just knew what to say and how to act for me to just do X.” Or “I didn’t want to do X, I would not have given up X, but I did do X AND it was somehow my idea.” I used to brag about not doing anything, not taking a breath if he did not approve.
It’s crazy. I have never felt pure hatred and disgust the way I do in these days. Hopefully with enough therapy and support I (we) can figure out how to exist peacefully within ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally. It’s too dangerous hoping anyone else is willing to do it lol
I act stupid on purpose just so I don't have to answer sadistic questioning. Because even though he is asking because he is unsure insecure I'm always wrong, I can agree with him and I am stupid and wrong so I act dumb.
When the apologies aren’t actual apologies 😳
I’ve noticed the underhanded comments that are passed off as “joking” when in reality they’re meant to undermine and make you second guess yourself.
Sooo true…..
I call them fauxpologies...like the" I'm sorry I am not the way you want or the husband you want, mother you want etc...or I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you. Not an apology at all. It is all a way to blame shift and paint you negatively
Oh my goodness. The "I was just joking." after saying demeaning things about me and then "You're so sensitive" when you get upset about it.
You just described my husband of 33 years so perfectly that I had to stop partway through and pull myself back together. Thank you for validating what I've been going through.
The pain is real when you live with these evil people. For me it has been 25 yrs. Not a day goes by without feeling his wrath. As I am writing he is packing to sleep in another room. I will get a good nights rest tonight and could not be happier. I AM SO SICK OF THE GAMES!!! What is so hard about showing love? Why can they not show love to their spouse but can show love to every human besides you. So crazy!
Sure no problem. (Just in case he doesn't answer back to you)
Penney:
Doesn't it hurt? It hurt to see someone else really explain this bad man in my life. I'm no longer hurt about it. I didn't know this information is well-known until I did my homework. It is not easily offered. Many councilors are not trained or knowledgeable about Narcissists and that pisses me off right there. So many I went to; to deal with this assh-le.
@@christbeliever4407
Tell me about it. The constant tug of war for something simple. To try to have a normal, healthy conversation isn't going to happen. To be with these ones is toxic as ever. Nothing ever got resolved because he would dart down the hall to his bedroom and slam the door. Ok , another night with the loser, temper tantrum of a 4 year old in a grown mans body and top engineer for 45 years. Let me outta here, (If I can only find the door )
30 years here. My youth.....
This describes my ex perfectly! It was never good enough, he was never happy, always with a long face and angry. I tried to cheer him up every day but it was never good. Then I got paralyzed on one side do to my pregnancy and still he didn’t want to help with the new born and the toddler. Then he said being paralyzed was not as bad as the cough he had and that I didn’t understand what healthproblems he was going through. I had to dump him. He was so toxic for the children and me. Now he’s spreading around all kind of lies and rumors about me because I finally found the courage to leave after 15 years. Although it is hard on my own with the 2 little kids, still a lot better then giving this childish, evil, selfish person anymore of my love! Also makes me happy that the children won’t have to deal with his immature emotional abuse on a daily basis.
He will manipulate the children to turn against you and hate you. Mine did that to me
I understand you well...
He is always more sick than I am.
But the therapist helped us a lot.
A big kudos to you for taking back your life! As a child to a cover, passive-aggressive narc husband, I wished my mother had had the courage to leave him. I would have strongly preferred growing up without him, no matter how difficult life is with a single mom and another sibling. I cheer you and your children on!
You describe what I also went through for 16 years, except we never had children. When I had breast cancer he could barely be bothered to pick me up from the outpatient surgery and then told me he was taking me off of his medical insurance at work. He was constantly ogling girls and I'm pretty sure he was finding sex elsewhere as well as being addicted to porn, Webcam, etc. When I finally divorced him he still got half of profit on house sale because I stupidly still felt sorry for him. And then he went on to badmouth me to our friends and all the while still having multiple affairs
Te entiendo perfectamente, estoy enferma de cancer y para el aun no estoy suficiente emferma para que me tengan que ayudar.
This was my father. He wore my mother down methodically for 37 years until she neglected her health and died prematurely at 57 yrs old. He took a vacation during the last week of her cancer because he couldn't tolerate the stress. It was the only time I ever had with her alone, away from his controlling, manipulative ways. It was, ironically, the most honest time I've ever had with her. The day before she died she admitted to me her entire married life was a "sham" and a "waste." She was crying uncontrollably. She had never before been "disloyal" or "broke ranks" with my father until that last moment of truth. This was in 1996 before all this information about narcissism was so easily available. She was such a wonderful person who tried to triangulate between this impossible man and me and my sibling. She had no chance. How I wish she had divorced him early on.The mental health of the family could have recovered. Unfortunately, my brother and I are still dealing with the consequences of this covert narcissist today. However, he is now 82 and we are fully aware of the mental games he still plays.... only he now plays them with his 3rd wife and a couple of flying monkeys. All his relationships with family members are irreparability broken. He has no close friends. What a sad man, what a sad life.
Thank you for sharing. I was raised by a narc mother. And father with very strong narc tendencies. I've had relationships with very narcissistic men....2 of them which share the same birthday. The most recent and 2nd relationship has been very eye opening. And you stated your mother never broke rank. That was an ongoing theme with the last one. Don't break rank, he always wanted me to stick and stand beside him but would never reciprocate it. And if there was anything that resembled it, I could tell it was fake.
What a relief that must have been for you and your mother to have that moment of honesty and clarity. I hope that you're healing and happy.
Thank you for sharing. I am the mom and soon to be x wife. How do I help my children from your point of view. At the moment my narc moved in with his mistress and doesn’t see the kids I guess that is a win.
I used to pray for my parents to divorce when i was young. I didn't know it was considered sinful, i just thought i was asking God for something that seemed like the right thing to do. They are still married, and i still wish they were divorced.
@@LaurenBV Thank you all for sharing. I am also the mom & soon to be ex-wife, except in my case, my kids believe him because I haven’t broken rank. He asked for a divorce after 27 years and, with God‘s guidance, I’m accepting it & moving on with my own life.
I’m also open to suggestions or ideas on how to help my kids not suffer or be deceived anymore by him. I have 3 young adults & a 15-year-old. I worry most about my 15-year-old son because he will still be living with my ex-husband, for the longer than my other kids.
This is my ex-husband to a "T". I always said he LAZIED HIMSELF OUT OF A MARRIAGE. He did everything half-assed so I would take over those responsibilities too. I worked full time, was responsible for my son, a house, a dog and 2 cats while he was responsible for himself only. He was the most passive aggressive bastard on the planet. When my Father was dying he had no empathy for my pain. When I had knee surgery he had no empathy and sat on the couch watching TV and drinking beer while I tried to move laundry down 3 flights of stairs and back up again. I was crawling by the way. But from the outside everyone thought he was so nice. And I neglected to say he had a giant chip on his shoulder about everything. He was even jealous of his own son. You cannot love this type of person. You cannot respect this type of person. I smiled everyday and pretended I was happy for 20 years. Thankfully I was too busy to think about the pure misery. Oh and if that wasn't bad enough divorcing one of these bastards is worse than the 20 years of utter misery. But, then you escape and from that point on even prison would be heaven as long as you're not with him.
You’ve nailed it to a T. Succinct description of these degenerates. Congratulations on getting out. I’m in the middle of my divorce now. Much blessings to your future.
This is exactly what I went through for 10+ years. The part about him walking away in mid-sentence or shaking his head and laughing when I'm trying to talk to him to about something serious... wow.
Yep, that's mine too
They are sick but love what they are doing
Crazy making!
same, 20 years. So sorry, hope you are free now.
@@tayjay1164 I'm doing great. Thanks!
a therapist turned to me during a couples session and asked, "So what does he have to do to make you leave? Does he have to HIT you?" that was my wake up call!
God I wish our couples therapist had had my back.
@@thisbeem2714 the narcs are good at manipulating the therapist to side with them.
I feel like you were talking to me. This is my husband to a tee for the last 28 years. The tantrums, silent treatments, bullying. Thank you for making this video.... I am finally learning what a narcissist is...
I just said the same thing about my husband! Thank you for enlightening us, Darren.
A vulnerable or covert one at that!
Man... This is unbelievable.
Same! Married 32 years & just found out a few years ago what he is & that there is a name for what I'm enduring. Now I'm learning how to cope with it. Thank goodness I finally found a therapist who understands!
Get out. They never change.
Yes, you hit the nail on the head! That's what marriage to a covert narcissistic man is like. There's no validation, there's no real love. There is only being a servant and an admirer. There is no living peacefully, and in my experience, the wife has to do EVERYTHING around the house, as well as cater to his every whim.
Toxic amnesia...oh my. Never heard that listed as a trait before but boy does it fit.
Mine would smirk when he claimed that he couldn't recall conversations.
I always felt that my husband didn’t value our marriage or me, he had no really deep feelings or emotions.
He seemed as though he play acted at being a husband and a father. There was no affection or any
emotional connection between us. If I was ill it seemed to make him annoyed and he couldn’t get away
quick enough, that really upset me, especially seeing how other husbands treated their wives with care.
He was very hard and cold emotionally, he even admitted this himself once. He never wanted to discuss
anything, it was always his way. He used to go silent and sulk rather than talk anything through. He used to
say I said things which I knew I hadn’t. I look back over 40 years of marriage now and how I wish I’d have
had a happy marriage.
.
I cannot believe HOW MANY women are going through this same horrible experience!!! I have been dealing with this for 36 years!
Your story could be mine... Every single line. If I had the guts to say it all, I'd say the exact things...
Holidays and birthdays were the worst. Constantly pulling out of planned fun activities or needing to leave early due to his anxiety which always disappeared when "his type of people" were around. Mine told someone for 12 years that I wasn't "up for visitors" implying I was mentally ill. Sore neck, gout, headaches, irritable bowels, constantly "coming down with something" then complaining and giving the silent treatment when I just started doing something by myself or with friends. Inviting me to Friday night dinner out so I wouldn't go for after work drinks and then cancelling when I got home. The games are endless and exhausting. They constantly use your good nature and empathy against you until you are a shell of a person who filters everything through them to try and cater to their ever increasing needs.
The devaluing is so hurtful.
N V:
So true. We both have been through this sickening treatment. How dear they do this to us? They can kiss my ass. I will heal and be better than ever and I don't want to be bothered with another psycho again. If I meet another one they better run not me. 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️
He NEVER listened to what I said NEVER. Imagine all your "conversations" being ignored on your side - having to repeat yourself to try to get someone to listen to you - I'd literally beg him to listen to me and he would still refuse to hear me -For 11 years he'd do that. And you're right about the convenient "forgetting" - that was continual being done over and over again. I asked myself over and again WHY he married me ? It was a pure torture that I didn't deserve ... and only recently have started understanding his real self.
❤
This was one of the things my ex narc husband did that drove me crazy. He never listened to anything I said. He never answered any of my questions. It was like he didn’t even know I was there. Yet when he had some to say he demanded my attention. It took me a long time, but I finally divorced him, and life is peaceful again.
I recognise this! Talking endlessly about himself, occasionally asking how I felt about something or what I thought, then after ignoring or dismissing anything I said would rearrange my words and apply them back to himself as though he was creating some astounding new insight, relentless self pitying, never any forward progress and no real communication because he never listened except to steal my words. One day he turned to me and asked me why I seemed so listless all the time. So I told him the truth. He replied "I can't accept that" and our marriage of 24 years ended with that sentence.
Same
I haven’t heard the term Toxic Amnesia before - it supplements the gaslighting we get. I spent 40 years trying to help my ex husband obviously to no avail. The damage this does to the caring partner is huge. Emotional intelligence should be a compulsory school topic to help individuals set up boundaries in their own life. You will never change or help a narcissist but you can learn how to live more emotionally conscious. Thanks for your channel. 👏🏻
“Toxic amnesia” resonated with me, too. I remember a period of time several years ago when my soon to be ex-husband and I were separated because of the damage he did to my oldest. I was in intensive therapy with her during the day and spending my nights - hours and hours every night - trying to bring him along and share with him the lessons we were learning in therapy. I’d try to pick up from where we left off only a day or two before and it was like I’d never said a word. It was so hard for me to divorce his word from his actions, even to see that there was a discrepancy. Even today, almost 18 months after our physical split, I am still just now seeing patterns of behavior that I didn’t recognize before for what they were. Healing is definitely a journey. Hang in there, everybody.
I wish I’d known this stuff 40 years ago, it’s never changed and living with a covert narcissist destroys who you are.
Thanks anyway for sharing.
Andrea Glover:
You are so right !
My thoughts exactly and it's been 34years of mental and emotional destructive hell. Although we have been separated sev times over the past 34 years, had restraining orders etc. But I was always in therapy and our kids too. I was so much stronger and younger back then and I had a lot of determination and much more confidence and high self esteem compared to now. I want it back so I can make a plan and be motivated again to build my own life and be independent, self reliant and do whatever it takes to make it before my mind and physical health are completely damaged beyond repair. Oh gosh I am ready yet don't know what or how to get started. I have to learn and relearn many skills so I can get a job bc I haven't worked in 15 yrs. My kids are all adults now so I am able to just focus on me but it seems so foreign to me and as if I have completely lost myself. I would rather die trying than miserable and with unfulfilled dreams and experiences in life. It's never too late for change and to learn new things. However, I have no support team whatsoever and no family. I need to get some ideas and info on how and what I have to do to get moving towards the goal of freedom and independence etc.
Hang in there and I hope you can find your way to happiness one day. Take care.
There’s always hope....❤️
@@butterflyyy8639
Yep. Good ole hope
Andrea Glover:
They are the worst. What terrible mth fckrs
They are. My husband is a Covert Narcissist. How long were you with yours?
Thank you so much. This was 100% my husband of 3 plus decades. I felt like I was dying. For years I just thought he was “difficult”. Ha! Pathological and exhausting. Never again.
Every. Single. One. He was beyond exhausting. Leaving was a horrible mess but the relief was the greatest gift I’ve ever given myself.
This is so true to the mark. If he did the dishes it was ‘I did your dishes for you’ and ‘I brought in your washing for you’. The only spontaneous emotion was anger.
When I get that response I say, "Did you eat off the dishes? So, they're also your dishes and they need to be cleaned. What makes them MY dishes? Well then, who do you think needs to clean up the dishes? The fairies?" If it is the clothes then a similar response is, "Did you wear any of those clothes? So what makes them MY clothes?"..... you can see how this goes.
@@soniaorel3730 yes well thankfully he is long gone. But if I had said that at the time there would have been yelling at me slamming doors, storming and driving off with a skid and a roar. And it would have been my fault for meaning so mean as to not be grateful. Narcissists control you with anger because you’ve met met anyone like them before and don’t understand they have an unfixable personality disorder So glad it’s over.
We have a saying in Jamaica- men are also born with hands. Slavery has been long abolished!😂
OMG. My covert narc husband does the same thing!!! He makes sure to magnify the “YOUR”. Nothing was ever ours, except for the money I made!! POS!!
And you just explained my 14 year marriage as if I was explaining it myself. The hardest part about it for me is, that he had such a good "good person" mask, that the cognative dissonance I experienced trying to reconcile the "good" person with the guy that put me down or insulted me under his breath and then claimed it was a "joke", invalidated my feelings, baited me with sarcasm and nasty insinuations about my character, called my "crazy" and "emotionally unstable" when I reacted to any of the aforementioned things, is THE SAME PERSON. We are split up now, and I just found out that something I suspected over which he told me I was "Crazy" for being concerned about, was 1000% true, and that he lied straight to my face, and someone else. The sad part for me is, I'm *still* trying to make sense of it. I'm still trying to make sense of the insane discrepancy between the person that made Sunday breakfast and made me a latte, or had fun with on family outings (mostly) and the other guy I previously described--somehow they are the same person. I don't know if there is any sense to be had.
I think trying to make sense of someone who doesn't make sense can drive a person insane. Especially when we see the inconsistencies between the public and the private face. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you're in a better place today.
There isn’t any sense to be made other then he is playing a role for others and in front of others; a role that he doesn’t play for you. You see the real him.
G Force.....yes! The mind screw of cognitive dissonance kept me stuck for too many years.
I am so sorry you experienced that. I have too. I still cry. It just never stops. I feel like I find out something new every single day. It is heartbreaking.
So sorry for your pain
This sounds so much like my husband. He is very “vulnerable” too, he’ll cry and be emotional about movies or events, but very, very passive aggressive and “victim”. CONSTANTLY talking about aches and pains, illnesses, trials and tribulations
This is exactly correct, I have seen all that you say. One way the covert narcissist displays disrespect is by not engaging when the wife is attempting to talk about something. Even comments about things happening in a story on television, the husband ignores the wife completely, she repeats what she said louder because she thinks he didn't hear her and he still ignores her. If she raises her voice a little louder he turns to her and says in an angry voice; "I heard you." Then she asks why he didn't respond he says; "you didn't ask a question, I didn't think there needed to be a response. Many if not all conversations are some kind of struggle. The silent treatment is used often used for no other reason than he does not want to be bothered.
THIS!
Is it not crazy!? You ask the same question over and over because you think they did not hear you and then they chew your head off for asking more than once. It is a total set up! It is one of my mans favorite games to play. As of today.....im no longer playing. After the spy gear is put in place then I will have the truth of his secret world. I am actually excited to outsmart this evil man and have proof to show everyone that he has been fake for 25 yrs.
🖐️🌹😞
@@christbeliever4407 I have thought of doing the same thing!!!! Recording it so that others can see the truth.
Oh my word. I am shocked that you just described my husband in detail. I didn’t know it was a thing until I read this. For 25 years and counting … I never considered myself a victim of abuse. It’s a little hard to swallow. I can’t understand why I have accepted so little and given so much. I realized I have no idea what it’s like to be cared for. At least I know I’m in fact NOT crazy, and everything actually isn’t my problem.
I’ve watched this twice in a couple of weeks already. This video is the only one so far that has 100 percent hit the nail on the head when it comes to covert husbands, at least mine. I don’t know, but thank you for the validation. I feel like I’m back on planet earth after watching this. Thank you so much. 🙏🏻
My sentiments too. 100%.
Same here, 💯 percent accurate description of my husband too.
Exactly my thoughts
100% my case as well.
Yep! Same here! Exactly like my ex.. thank God it’s over. Took almost 6 years to feel ok again after 15 years of wasted time with that idiot.
That sums it up! Married to one for 18 years - what a total waste of my time & energy. Now 20 yrs on my own raised our children on my own (really it was on my own during the marriage as well). You describe the behaviours exactly. I wish this info had been available over 20 years ago - maybe I would have had the nerve to kick him out earlier!
Awesome 👏
Me too
I've watched many videos on this topic. This is as if you were a fly on the wall for my entire marriage . You nailed my x-husband's behaviors 100%. Divorced 10 years and I'm still healing from the neglect and emotional abuse. But I'm getting better every day! Thanks!
almost all of this applies to my husband... especially the part about "helping" with chores. Throughout the course of our relationship, he has chosen to sit and watch me do all the work - literally from his recliner - watch me hauling heavy limbs or piles of brush, or shoveling gravel when the driveway washes out. When I ask for help in the yard, he will show up, but is typically petulant and pissy, and yes, does a piss-poor job. Earlier this year he told me he really didn't have the "emotional fortitude" to use the weedeater. What? He has NEVER, in 11 years, contributed to housework of any kind other than helping with dishes after dinner. Never used a vacuum, never swept as a part of day-to-day cleanup, never dusted, never cleaned the bathroom... and I still can't get him to empty the dishwasher in the morning. He will literally open it as evidence that it needs to be emptied, but never touch what is inside - claiming that he is trying to be quiet so as not to wake anyone! PLEASE! I can't believe it has taken me this long to figure it out, but now that I have, I am grateful for this kind of understanding.
I have one of those too! After 45 years of doing all the housework, all the washing, doing the garden, washing the cars, looking after the children - often all alone when they were sick and he was away - I am getting tired but now in old age (he’s older than me) it has given him an excuse for doing nothing! Don’t suffer it as long as I have done. Take good care of yourself, because he sure isn’t going to!
Why are you still with him? Leave!
My ex-husband was like this too. I couldn't get him to help me with anything. After my discard, I had to show him how the vacuum cleaner worked because he never once touched it during our marriage.
When he started washing the dishes himself, I knew something was up because he had NEVER done it before. Sure enough, he dropped the hammer and said he wanted a divorce. Now he was doing the dishes because he HAD to, not because he wanted to be thoughtful and help me out.
Good riddance.
But honestly ladies: WHY?! 😩
Why do you play the role of cleaning ladies? I would have zero respect and couldn‘t even be friends with such a useless wiener princess... 🙄🤦🏻♀️
Oh, I hear you!! The best one for me was when he asked me about his clothes and I said they were in the dryer and he could get them himself since I was busy and he said, “ Which one is the dryer?”. I sometimes wonder if I’m an enabler of this behavior but usually realize I live a single life within a married life and make the best of it at this late age. These videos help me so much, they give me validation that I’m not losing my mind.
Wow! You described my ex-husband exactly, right down to the constant video game playing to "unwind." He would insult the kids and I, then brush it off. If I dared to call him out on his behavior he would sit and sulk, or blame me "I never understood what he was going through." If we wanted to do an activity that he wasn't interested in he would either start a fight so we wouldn't go, or he would ruin it by arguing at the activity until we left. The kids and I walked on eggshells every day waiting for his next blow up.
This matches my husband 100%, I'm saddened and out of denial....
Same.
Mine too. 54 years of it. Gone now. I threw him out, kept him away and divorced him going grey rock for the last few years. I am free - and lead a peaceful life.
@@judyscheiber3661 44 years for me.
10 years....and a 5 yr old child who already suffers cosequences of his aloofness and my frustration.
@@morskaprasica Think of a therapy. It could help a lot.
Thank you Dr Magee. I came across this video today “by accident”- at a time in my life where I am all but finished in my marriage- feeling like I am going crazy- because of the cycles we have been in for 14 years!! I have been told for so long that it is me that I woke up one day to find that I have left all I have loved, lost all of my confidence, and become a home body to “keep the peace”- but it doesn’t make a difference! Your words gave me hope- put things in perspective- and confirmed what I believed but couldn’t confirm- until now. God help me in knowing where to go from here! Thank you for cracking open the door!
I’m having an aha moment!! This describes my situation to a t! I cannot believe this had been right under my nose all along. What resonated the most was the self-deprecating comments of never being good enough for me and what do I expect from him. Basically always playing the victim. I carried the guilt all these years of always being the monster in his story.
But then accuse you of “playing victim”, if you mention something he did that hurt you, right?
Master manipulators.
Is that not crazy or what? Why do they have so much hate for the one who is not the monster? Why can they not just love you and be kind? They just canmot do it....EVER!!!! :(
Thank you , Like other comments this is EXACTLY my partner. I moved in with him 6 months ago and have been slowly going insane. Leaving in 5 days woohoo ! I decided I am not going to spend my declining years tip toeing around a man child.
Good for you. Hope it’s going well ❤️
@ Molly Dooker:
Awesomeness! Good for you and for standing in your power even though it's probably very difficult a lot of the time. I love that you are so very much determined that enough is enough! Very empowering!
My ex had something called Oppositional Defiance. How it showed up was, when I would compliment his affection towards me, something that made me feel loved or cared for by him, he would never do it again. He did not enjoy giving love because, he said he believed I was manipulating him.
Much of this applies to my husband, and it’s so good to know that I’m not a nut case as he has worked very hard to make me believe. It took me 30 years to finally figure out his problem, but for most of those years he had convinced me everything was my problem. I guess I’ll deal with him till I die, but I pay much less attention to him now and don’t really care what he thinks about anything anymore.
The very picture of my life. For over 35 years I ‘ ve been asking myself if I lead a happy family life. I loved my husband and ignored some of his traits because they were in the background as soon as he lead an active businesslike way if life. I was actually content. But since rent all the above listed characteristics have become the only core. In addition he broke connections with our grown-up children blaming them for not having reached high professional positions and suffering extremely himself calling them names He Broke connections with his brother ( for old financial problems) and uncle ( for criticism). True I am the only person I know still having contact with him, which has become cold and superficial. We stopped celebrating birthdays and holidays and inviting people or going on visits, because the table conversations centre round his personality, he is talkative and not stoppable. My question is whether narcissistic people are aware of their disorder? Will therapy help? They suffer a lot , too, and cannot enjoy normal life 😞
@@omagaga8798 hi, and well done fir sharing your story. In answer to your question he won't change. They can't, the chemicals released in his brain won't allow him to change, he gets a high from letting out that narcissistic anger/rage. Look up the cycle of abuse, read Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft, you can download it for free too or get a hard copy to read whatever you prefer.
We too have a similar chemical release which can be explained as trauma bonding. Think of how you felt when you first fell in love, the chemicals released are the same as when we have a child, or bonding chemicals, BUT, here's the rub, those exact same chemicals are released when we are afraid, in flight/freeze/flee mode. So when the same person under two different scenarios is causing same chemical reaction in us, that's why it gets so confusing, ie, he loves me, he hates me. I left my husband of nearly 3 decades, 3 years ago, divorce pending. It's not been easy, but living on my own without constant criticism and fear is definitely way better than living with him.
Hi, I've never written a public comment on here before but this video was like someone reading back to me, a description of the last 8 years of my life. I'm beginning to wake up to the abuse I didn't realise I was taking. The only thing missing was the tortuous control behaviours like checking my phone and not letting me even go to the bathroom without him checking what I'm doing, the stonewalling, turning my kids against me, not allowing me to have showers or look after myself. The ways in which these men torture their whole families is horrific. I thank you for being so clear and concise and this has truly helped me validate that I'm not nuts. He really has been doing these things to us. Thank you so much.
i was identifying right along with you until you said he wouldn’t let you take showers…why??? what was his reasoning???
@@LaciRae because if she started to take care of herself and build up her self esteem, she would figure out that he is nothing but an abusive piece of 💩
@@LaciRae ...he sounds like the corrupt Warden at Shaws hank Prison...
Wow. I went through the same thing with a man-child. I couldn't leave the house alone, couldn't talk to anyone alone, couldn't go to the bathroom or shower without him right there, no privacy, the door had to remain open, he'd lock me inside the apartment we lived in that he picked out for that purpose. It had doors that couldn't be unlocked from inside and high small windows up against tall thick bushes (he thought I wouldn't figure out how to get out, but I did just to get fresh air and be in nature while he was gone getting his drugs). He'd beat me up later if a man looked at or complimented me while we were in public. He'd say if was my fault. He'd threaten my life. Ugh. I could go on and on, but it gets graphic so I'll stop. What a horrible, horrible person. I can't believe I made it out alive.
Spot on. I was once explaining my yoga classes (I was graduating a teacher training) and he says, "Let me just stop you. I'm not into yoga, I'll never remember anything you're saying." It's very lonely. Every point is so accurate. 😔
Awwe. I understand. They are Never happy for your accomplishments because of who they are not.
That's when you say let me just stop you. I'm not into people who can't be supportive to people they supposedly care about even if the topic is boring or beyond them! You deserve better and honesty is not always truth...he was honest in a way but it was not the real truth...
They're jealous of you and will never support your dreams and endeavours.
Yes, my ex never cared at all for anything I enjoyed/wanted to go do with him (unless it was something HE was interested in), never wanted to listen to me or hear anything o had to say.
But god forbid I should ignore HIM when he is telling his tales and lies, and if I decided I wasn't interested in doing something/going somewhere, he would get very petulant and butt-hurt that I didn't want to go along.
Over the years, I did try many things. Some I enjoyed, and did for awhile, some I tried once and decided o was done. But mostly, I spent years just going along with what HE wanted to do/see/buy, etc, just to keep the peace.
In the end, after I had already mentally and emotionally divorced him in my head, one of the last straws for me was how many times we could be sitting in the room together, tv blaring on some stupid show HE wanted, not even watching it because he's scrolling through his phone....I would speak to him, and it was as if I wasn't even in the room. Not even on the planet.
For awhile, I experimented with this, by intentionally cutting myself off mid-sentence, and not continuing to speak to him.
Made no difference, he didn't even notice.
Only once or twice, several minutes after I'd stopped speaking mid-sentence and had gone on about my business, after minutes passed he would look up and say "Did you say something? "
I used to start over, and he would return to ignoring me.
Then I began just shaking my head and saying no.
I'm the end, is just look at him and wordlessly get up and leave the room.
No matter what, he'd go right back to fishing for validation and supply from his phone, tv blaring, and me basically non-existent.
You have described my husband exactly. Double standards taking joy in inflicting emotional abuse never understanding other peoples feelings always turning things around back to him. He even blamed me for his infidelities
My late father was as you described here. What an awful time we had growing up. Being the oldest of four children I got it constantly. The silent treatments, staring me out, constant criticism of his family and comparing us to better families he knew. My mother was literally broken by him. He constantly belittled her and claimed he was a victim. He was jealous of my good relationship with my mother. He would set siblings against each other. A hellish upbringing in a stressful unhappy home.
This is my husband EXACTLY, and I’m trying to find a way out…
Same, but I don't have a way out till the kids are grown. They would hate me as they love their father and don't understand/comprehend the complexities of the relationship. I waste no time trying to please him, I can't stand being in a conversation with him for more than a few minutes and I constantly challenge his delusional state. I refuse to just tolerate the shit any more. Unfortunately my kids don't see that I'm on edge because of the traumatic nature of being in a relationship with someone like that, and that I'm just a bitch because I argue with him. I hope one day they see beyond his delusional outcry of 'I've done nothing wrong', 'it was just a joke', and 'you expect too much'.
me too
Don’t know what to say other than I’m speechless
I was married to a narcissistic husband for more than 20 years and it was as if you were describing him and all the things that made me feel so bad. I feel, as they say, seen. Thank you.
This is my husband and after not knowing or even looking at him as Narcissistic now I’m dealing with him and Alzheimer’s. You answered so much for
me It’s been 25 yrs and I think the last 15 have been the worst. He’s 73. All I know to do is educate myself for now I’m setting boundaries for all of this and I’m healing. But I still am taking care of him. But now I know more of what I’ve been dealing with. Wow what an eye opener. And really how sad people carry this mess and they don’t see it. If I wasn’t a strong christian I probably would have left a long time ago. Thank you
Always HIS movies, HIS restaurants, HIS hobbies, HIS plans, HIS feelings, HIS thoughts/opinions, HIS friends houses, HIS drama.
It's exhausting.
Thank you so much, Darren! My ex was exactly like this, and if I get any thoughts of “oh, he wasn’t that bad!” I watch this video to ground myself back in reality. Thank you!!
Darren you’ve absolutely described these creatures perfectly. I can’t commend you enough in providing such a succinct and damning description of being married to one of these people.
Pure hell being betrothed to this miserable abusive person. They slowly suck you in over the years they play the long game as they siphon off your life force like a black hole. Meanwhile everyone around you thinks they’re soooo wonderful! Such a nice guy etc nobody sees them without their mask except for you. They save the worst of themselves just for you where the only emotions you get are anger, hate, disdain, evil smirks, jealousy, loathing and complete passive aggressive bullshite day in and out.
Divorcing a Narcissist I think is a much needed topic . So easy to marry so hard to get a divorce. They take this very personally. Everyone will ask what's wrong with them. Mine placed an objection to my terms (costing silly money) and then counter - sued me for divorce. Also triangulation; how they use others in particular, for you to focus on. Mine used his friends in particular one constant person in our lives . Constant dramas unfolded , making him look like the good guy until that person was banned from the house. Also work, which they use to camouflage their inadequacies , so they don't have time to emotionally invest in their families. Work is a great excuse. You then look like the bad guy when you ask them for more of their time. When you say you are divorcing them ,everyone, especially their families point to how hard they work for their families . Making you all look so ungrateful.
Thank you for your suggestion, it’s is a topic that has come up a few times. I’ll make a video on that
Omg! You just described my life!! Going through a divorce now after being married for 25 years. He has purposely dragged it out causing us both to spend a sick amount of money on the legal games just to punish me. Very sick individuals.
Try divorcing a narcissistic judge. Try to get a decent divorce attorney to represent you in that situation.
@@catsinhouse I cannot imagine it. It's stalemate. I'm battling . This is known as Coercive Control and it needs speaking out on. This is a crime in itself.
I knew one of those guys working so hard for the family, pity party every day, oh poor xfftyuj! You must sit down! Relax! He received money from family to help him out etc etc- turned out, he had a gambling problem hidden by his tiredness of looking after the family and working long hours, doing do gooding. The people who gave him the $ handouts to help him - remained in denial about the the gambling.
They asked him. " Do you have a gambling problem? "
He replied. " I. have. gambled! But I dont have a problem?
They said. "See! I just asked him outright, and he said he doesnt have a problem!
That opens your eyes.
You are so correct, you just described my husband. He is totally an evil covert narcissist, whom people think is so innocent and helpful. Can't wait to separate from him and live my life freely.
Hope you made it out. 21 years later I'll tell you it was the best decision I ever made. I know everyone's life has so many different variables. But it was the only way to keep physically and mentally somewhat there. After 21 years he still tries to peek into my world through my sons. No. That was never earned. That is what I earned. I hope that you are ok.
@@kaystephens2672 Kay good for you!Im dying to leave been married for thirty years!never knew about Narcissistic abuse until past few years.I have learnt allot now but he’s losing control and being more manipulative more tantrums locking things away.It is absolutely crazy!I have elder sons who are supporting me to get out of this house but also two younger ones at schools local.I just woke up this morning to do a tea and found the kettle gone!he plays games non stop.
@@zainabstewartstewart9585 you are so welcome. I will tell you I'm 61. I've been divorced for 21 years. My sons are adults too. But I see him in them. I think it's inevitable. I planned my escape for a year with my boys. It was hard and well worth it though. It's still hard, but at least you can put all of your precious energy into yourself. Your kids. Getting a divorce was the last thing I wanted. Taboo to my side of the family. Always remember this. Nothing, I mean nothing he ever said to you about who or what you were was ever true. I've watched every video, every perspective I can and the Truth is we were catering to a 2 year child in a man's body. That is the only explanation I always come back to. They do sell themselves very well in the beginning. But they are pushy, too self confident. Shortly thereafter they always show what they really are. Degrading, temper tantrum throwing babies. In truth, we tolerate these brats for the sake of food and shelter. For the hope they'll (get it). They can't get it. I know you know what I'm talking about. My purpose of this text is to spare people like you the waste of more of your precious life for you and your kids lives trying to ever even consider for 1 second you could ever "fix" them. They are a lost cause. There is no hope for them. It's not sad and it was never, ever any of your fault. I woke up this morning and my 1st thought was it's like beating a dead horse. They just don't have something we take for granted in ourselves and assume they have. And that is the Truth. Your truth. Your purpose. Your life you must reclaim. I have chosen to open up that chapter in my life since Christmas of last year when he waltzed back into my son's life. I felt betrayed and told him it was either him or me. He chose me. I urged him to see that he was only a tool and to critically evaluate their conversation. He now sees that even now, it was an attempt to gather any data he could get. Even now. I've considered suing him and if he continues I may pursue that. I have come too far to play these childish games. Stand your ground. Built your own secure foundation. I know this letter is lengthy but I went through the same thing. And really and truly, never tolerate a child to run your life. I have nothing from this person. I gave him everything but my children. Never settle for their fear to control you ever again. I wish you the best and you will make it. If I can, I promise you, you can.
@ Joy:
Amen! You just described my husband and 1 of his most disturbing behaviors, that he is Mr. Nice Guy, a good dad, helpful and friendly, but how sorry many people feel for him for having to take care of everything and me bc I don't work, I am crazy, an alcoholic, mentally ill, lazy and a loser, etc. . He plays the victim and has mastered the art of it over time, yet he's a fricken nightmare to live with, to talk to about anything and he's a horrible mean nasty and shady man that is actually very antisocial but he plays his learned and rehearsed role pretty well after all these years! However, part of the role includes complete smear campaign against me his wife, to our family, 4 kids and to everyone who is willing to listen. He is a master at it and they actually believe his lies and exaggerated twisted stories about ME. I hate it for the kids and it sickens me. I have gotten so I just want to isolate and not be around them with him so they think I am whatever he says. Lord almighty! I am clueless as to how to handle and deal with this.
@@sugarpie1226 it takes time to plan. I did it by myself. Things have a way of working out. It did for me. Every time that child throws a tantrum tell yourself "one day". Always remember, you're dealing with a child and his set of rules. Never ever give up. 20 years later I'm telling you you can do this. And just because people look big it doesn't mean they're frown up. Also, remember the saying " are you kidding me?" There's a world of truth to that.
I believe this is my husband of 1 ½ years. He is always negative. Speaks negatively about himself. He has tremendous life accomplishments, but calls himself a loser. If I speak of my pain, he is either silent, or makes it about him and how bad things are for him. He stonewalls, gaslights, and shows no emotion. I can be weeping my eyes out in pain, and he just sits there, then says “I am sorry I am a disappointment”, or “I am sorry I am a failure”.
He is extremely sensitive and always thinks the worst. He punishes me for any comment I make that isn’t positive about him and his family. His granddaughter is disobedient, back talks, lies, and very disrespectful, her mother looks on in amusement. Although I love her dearly, it causes me great anxiety when she is at our home. Instead of showing me any kind of support, he says things like “you hate my family”, I can’t ever have my family here.
He punishes me by not having romance, showing me affection, and no intimate relationship.
He is in therapy, I am getting back into therapy, and we see a couples therapist. I know that I cannot change him. His mother is a covert narcissist, and his father overt. He has to have a paradigm shift within himself. I don’t know how this can or will come about. I do know that I will not live like this much longer.
I hope you get the help and support you need. Thank you for sharing
Your comment took my breath away. My fingers feel like jelly and I’m shaking as I type this. You wrote what I have been living. I have been married seven years. The hardest thing, is that he acts like this when he drinks. When he doesn’t drink, he’s a pretty good guy. He doesn’t always get drunk, either. But he always acts this way. He has to stop drinking, entirely, in order to stop it. Alcohol “induced”narcissism 🤦🏻♀️. Best of luck to you. Sending prayers up for both of us!
What is your timeline for leaving this loser. You deserve much better. Being by yourself woukd be better.
I totally agree with you looking for a way out. Save yourself the damages.
I've been married to 1 for 13 years, and I'm working on doing the same. It's too much to bear. We as women, even moreso humans, deserves Best. Enough is enough.
It doesn’t get better with time in my experience. I hope you have gotten out and found a better path and partner too if you’re ready.
I've got chills. You just described him perfectly.
The gift thing happened all the time it made me so sad nothing was good enough for him. This video is exactly my 16 year marriage I’m so exhausted and I feel like I’m insane I’m stuck he is so good at gaslighting me our entire marriage and blame shifting. This video was so eye opening thank you it was something I realized but couldn’t confirm because he is SO good at it.
I’m a mental health Nurse and have been for the 20 years of my marriage. I suddenly woke up one day with a “ looking out, looking in view” This video validates everything I’ve experienced and thank goodness I am almost physically free from it. I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally free as I have some ‘ undoing of corrosive rules placed upon me’ to do.
Thanks for this, I love your calm, insightful explanation ❤️
I purposefully chose my ex 's therapist because I wanted someone who knew him! It was the first time I heard him described as a covert vulnerable narcissist. There was no turning back once I knew the term. His reality was all that mattered.
You described my exhusband so accurately. Especially that crazy will-writing scenario etc !!
This is my husband.... I've listened to this five times now and I can't stop shaking
❤
OMG! This video describes my narc husband perfectly. I'm going to save this video and watch it over and over again. I'm even going to share it with my best friend.
share it with your husband.
This is uncanny. You describe my husband 100% here and his sister 100% in your covert wife video. I'm speechless!
I’m glad you found it helpful
You just described the piece of garbage I divorced a year ago after 7 years of “marriage”… I have been healing over this year and am finally seeing the beauty and joy in life that can only be seen after an experience like narcissistic abuse. The other side is an amazing place to be and I have come to be grateful for this experience and look forward to my future every day.
So much of what you mentioned - I've been experiencing. Gaslighting too. Thank you, it gives me courage to keep my head held high and remain focused to transition back to being fully independent again. I'm glad I'm a strong person, otherwise I would have been driven into the ground by now and I won't let that happen. After 10 years of marriage, I have come to realise that I will never truly understand him and I'm not going to waste my life trying to help someone who doesn't see the need to change. My husband had counselling to help him deal with his negative mindset, but he just used it as an opportunity to portray himself as a victim and a hero and he portrayed myself as the one with the problem. It's a shame he doesn't see himself how everybody else sees him....but I can't do any more x
My husband is a covert narcissist sociopath. All of this fits like a gloves except the household chores, he doesn’t even know where I keep the cleaning supplies and it’s my fault for that cause there in wrong spot. Almost 14years of this, I’ve lost who I am completely. I think my bullshit cup is about to tip over. He can’t even keep same counselor over 3 visits. Thank you all for sharing makes me feel sane.
never knew i was a narcists until watching your video. I definitely feel ashamed and horrible for my wife as i have exhibited a lot of these things. I am shocked she never left me. I am incredibly blessed to still have the opportunity to make improvements for the better of myself and my marriage. Thank you for sharing brother. This was indeed a hard truth to listen to and accept about myself.
You would get professional help if you believed you are narcissist. They never ever admit it but good luck , your wife is a Saint.
I can guarantee you have caused her much pain. Change your ways to the best of your ability and make it right.
Admitting wrong doing is the first step, respect to you.
Wow, I am impressed that you got to this video and Aha moment!! bravo for you. True self introspection is key....
I pray for your wife. If you truly are a narc...she already knows that you may play nicy-nice after one of your vicious passive aggressive rages. She also knows that when you ARE able to be nicy-nice that it is only a matter of time b4 you turn back into YOUR TRUE NASTY NARC Self.
Secretly she wishes you would just drop dead because that would be the only relief from the pure fuxking PAIN YOU HAVE CAUSED HER during your whole marriage. If she ever does wise up and leaves your abusive ass...(of course you will probably blame HER)
You better look into those soulless eyes and blame YOURSELF.
I know this was harsh...and maybe you can change, but the odds are not in your favor. Let your wife experience joy, away from you.
Spot on, going true this with a Covert Narcissist. Shameful behaviour from them. They do not care. They will use you like a doormat and very cruel with their words. So hurtful and dangerous. You can not trust people like this. You need to look after and mind yourself around them. Many thanks for your insight which is most helpful indeed. Sending blessings...🙏❤🙏
Fidelma Shelton,You deserve better 🙏
F me, this video woke my Narcissistic butt up, thank you for posting, going to watch this vid every morning to remind myself to not be this way b/c my marriage is on thin ice and I know why even more now
Thank you for explaining so clearly. This is my ex to a T. For 16 years I believed him - that I was the problem and the source of his unhappiness. He'd say "when you get to first base we can start our relationship." He whined and complained about everything. I only learned about narcissism 6 years after we separated. Still joining the dots. This information has been very helpful.
Glad you found it helpful, and hope you're in a better place today
@@DarrenFMagee infinitely better yes! :) thanks :)
Literally, the best description I've ever heard. I come back to this time after time. Thank you Mr Magee
This video just highlighted everything for me that I have been experiencing recently with my husband. It has given me clarity and understanding to put his fire out. After 41 years of dealing with this I now understand how manipulative being married to a covert narcissist has undermined the integrity of my marriage. Thankfully your comment validates that "with knowledge comes power", and "I deserve better!"
If I didn't know better I'd think you've had a video/audio system in my house for the past 36 years. You have this so precisely correct.
I feel a huge sense of relief hearing this. I knew I wasn’t to blame 🤷🏽♀️
I think this kind of the Narcissist is the most difficult, I'd rather deal with the grandiose instead, so sick....
For sure!
I think we are the types that avoid the grandiose and these coverts know that and pretended to be opposite until we committed to the relationship. And then I noticed most of us stayed for very long time over 15 years in most comments. We were keepers, they knew it and did their best not to lose us but made it hell when it didn't need to be because we are genuine but the exhaustion and mind games can only be tolerated so long and either they cheat and we leave or we emotionally check out like grey Rick method or just having tried everything say times up. In the end they self sabotaged the good thing they had and know it but hate the good thing instead of seeking help to stop their disordered behaviors. Just my opinion
@@amandachilds5290 makes a lot of sense Amanda.
This is an exact description of my marriage. It could not be more accurate. It lasted 17 years and it took me another 15 to get him to go away. He lived on the same street as me. Refused to divorce and when we did took mine and my daughter's home, bankrupted me and left us homeless by relentlessly fighting me in court. In the end I gave in and gave him the house we had bought together even though I renovated it and I paid the mortgage. It's taken me 3 years to get even a bit recovered. I feel I am starting to heal now I am no longer his target object, my daughter is doing ok. Thank god for videos like this one. I know I am not the mad one. The crazy lady. He said I was a narcissist insist I was an abuser. All the time it was the other way around. He wpuld sit and drink beer while I cooked cleaned decorated gardener. I have a physical disability. He did nothing and if he did hedidit so badly I usually finished it myself. I was his servant housekeeper cook savings account child minder. I don't know where he is now and I hope I never do. I think it was the enduring goal of my life that I would be free of him. I am 57 but I I did it!
Same
I’m so glad your daughter and you got out.🙌🙌🙌
This was really hard to hear but thank you for making this video. Growing up with a sociopathic father w narcissistic personality disorder i really thought I'd see the signs. Unfortunately not knowing about a covert narcissist & me being 15, him 22 at the time it took over 10.5 yrs & 4 babies before I realized, there isn't anything wrong with me, its him. Im planning to leave but yet i still have this deep guilt/ feeling sorry for him that im leaving him but im also scared to tell him that im leaving. It definitely messes with your head but the more I study on this subject the more i realize im doing whats best for not only myself but my babies too.
He will never love you or care the way you care for him, take the kids and leave. I don't need to tell you, you know. This was 5 months ago but I hope ur situation has been resolved God bless
Hey how are you? I hope you left him x
Having a narcissistic parent really messes with your mind. You're not your own person.
And cheating, affairs and promiscuity! Great video but surprised this got left out?
Exactly
OMG you've just described the vulnerable narcissist in fine detail here. Pity I didn't know about this disorder 20yrs ago. I would have saved myself and my daughter a whole world of pain.
Excellent video! Short and To the point which I appreciate. Definitely have learned a lot about covert narcissist and now have separated from my husband after 36 years of marriage and really do feel that this is what he was. Would never acknowledge any attempt on my part to communicate if I was unhappy about something or we had an issue that needed to be addressed he would be extremely defensive, or dismissive, unresponsive, at times or would simply turn and walk away.
I was married to a Negligent Covert and many of the traits you talked about described him. However, he literally ignored me our entire marriage. I was a piece of furniture and a slave. Would love to hear your take on the Negligent covert. Thanks 😊
I read your comment and thought I must have written it! Exactly the same… 34 years married but this year I celebrate being single in this life longer than being married . Best thing I ever did was leave it behind.
This was my marriage too. I emphathize!
My ex-husband was neglectful and very, very secretive. Like ridiculously secretive. He did stuff on his own all the time and rarely asked me if I wanted to do something -- when I was dying to spend time with him. He ignored me and did whatever he wanted with little regard for my feelings and opinions.
I really don't know why he got married because he rarely attempted to be a husband. I was a slave he never whipped -- at least not physically. I was an appliance that had to run on its own but never had maintenance or upkeep. When I wore out, I was at fault and thrown away.
@@spacegirl226 OMG! I swear you and I were married to the SAME MAN. Neglectful is what mine was too. He never had a kind word or a loving look towards me. At first, it makes you try harder, but after the 6th year of this abuse , I literally gave up...every day with him was the loneliest day of my life. His silent treatments were EPIC! I finally found out he was not only a liar, gaslighter, baiter, the permanent victim and the most vengeful person on the planet...but he was also a cheater. I ran for the hills over 4 years ago now, and I stole my soul back!
His new supply (mistress) thought she had struck gold....but has since been arrested for being caught with drugs and alcohol in a car. Then, about 10 months ago she beat him up and pulled a gun on him. Hmmm...they say how a relationship begins is how it will end. He better hide the gun when she catches him cheating on her!
Karma, ain't she grand?
Spot on
Thank you
Everything you have mentioned is spot on. Unfortunately, the alcoholicholic I made the mistake to marry ticks ALL the boxes. It is exhausting...
Me too
God bless you. After 30 years I can finally put a name to the hell I've been going through. And when I weaken I rewatch your video.
Thank you. To hear it being explained begins to finally make sense to me now.
Yes, always needing praise for the small little jobs he does, praise over & over again, if I don't keep praising him, he gets the sulks & says I don't appreciate him enough.
It is so draining living like this. Almost our 20th anniversary coming up.
Nothing I do to avoid him getting upset works. So good to have this knowledge at last.
Now I know that it is not my fault.
Valerie Ward,You are beautiful 🌹🌹🌺,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!
Valerie Ward,You don't need a narcissist in your life.....
Toxic amnesia...this really got my attention. I've been wondering about this for a very long time, whether it was the result of a medical issue or feigned or just a lack of interest. The more I watch these videos, the more I see that I've dodged a bullet.
Thank you for sharing this information.
Best wishes. 🍀😊
This is a perfect description of my marriage. Also, they withhold sex and any emotional needs.
Mine NEVER wanted to have sex with me. He always refused me. Now i know it was an ecstatic JOY for him withholding sex and intimacy, the utmost pleasure to this evil sadic liar.
Yes
The way the quiet smugness showed up in my last relationship was when some random accident would happen where I'd trip over something or drop something - sometimes actually hurting myself - and instead of being concerned and helpful, he'd retort, "That's why *I* always [xyz]" (emphasis on the I) where xyz was whatever he 'always' did to prevent such foolish accidents, and if I'd only just do things they way _he_ did them, I could have avoided such unpleasantries. And, it should be noted, he didn't actually always do these things. In fact, he never did them. He just liked to feel above it all when I was down and to rub that in my face as if it was a personal failing on my part. Whenever I called him out on it, he'd suddenly play the victim, claiming he didn't mean it that way and I just had to stop misinterpreting his words. What a pitiful existence to derive self-satisfaction from others' suffering. I don't miss him in the least.
That sounds horrible. What a miserable jerk.
Excellent description! This was my life for 24 years. I wished I'd understood this personality so long ago.
Yep! You described my husband to a tee!! I think the toxic amnesia is what really gets to me the worst. That's what makes you feel like you're the one going crazy. Thanks for this video.
This is my x husband. The damage caused after spending my entire adult life with him has been devestating.
Mine too. I'm really pissed. F- ck them! It's ok cause i need to heal now.
me too. Wasted my youth on him. I am so sorry. You deserve better.
Yes from 26-30. I’m pissed off because I moved from the US to the Australia and it’s hard for me to leave. 4.5yrs wasted in pain and misery😑
Spot on! You have have described my husband of 25 years. I try and I try but nothing changes. I love him but I’m at my wits end. He was my high school sweetheart and I thought about him all my life after my mother broke us up after 30 years, we got back togetherand I thought our lives would be perfect. But little by little he tears me apart. Thank you for your insight and opening my eyes.
YOU NAILED IT!!!! 22 yrs with this guy! I KNEW I wasn't crazy... thank you. I'm 62... what now 😞
❤
I spent a total of 54 years with a clinically diagnosed Covert Narcissist. We were married for 48 of those years. This description is SPOT ON what he did with me. It's so accurate it's stunning.
You lasted so very long. What kept you sane?
@@monicahocking1507 Nothing during it. After I threw him out, kept him away and divorced him I wanted to know what happened to my entire adult life and I studied it. I found out I certainly wasn't alone in the experience. So many in long term marriages stay in. I stayed far too long. It affected my health. He was then clinically diagnosed as a Covert Narc and I could finally settle it in my mind. It's a process. Trust the process. Each year gets better. I've been free for 5 years now. Takes time. The only thing to do is get out of the relationship. There is no hope in it. Not curable. I can't tell you how happy I am without him.
33 years for me. Even I don’t know how I survived. I am just so glad I found the explanations through research because there was no way I EVER got answers from him!
Spot on! 😂 it took me 15 years to figure it out on what is going on with my life in that relationship. Thanks for this video!
This man is a genius!! This video came at such a unique time in my life, and never ever have a seen someone articulate Convert Narcissistic personality disorder is such a marvelous way. Whether or not all or even none of these points applied to my situation I am enthralled with how intellectually aware this man is! Bravo!!!
Perfect 100% description of my covert narcissistic father and how my mom and I suffered from his attitude.
This is my exact experience!! Your insight is incredible. You put into words the exact things we deal with on a daily basis! It's hard to explain to someone else what you're going through. It's so subtle and when you examine one instance at a time, you do feel as if you are the one in the wrong or are going crazy. But you know things are not normal, not right.
This was very eye opening
Glad you found it helpful
WOW! I am going to listen to this again later, and write out all the points.