Narcissistic Parents: Things they Hate That HEALTHY PEOPLE LOVE
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- čas přidán 14. 07. 2024
- In this video, I talk about the things your narcissistic parents hate that healthy people love. Learning about these contrasts will help you understand the fundamental differences between unhealthy and healthy relationship dynamics, empowering your journey toward self-differentiation.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Invaluable material snd and content as usual Mr. Wise.
Thank you so much. Signed up and ready.
This is the most succinct video on the subject I've seen yet! Thank you for being able to articulate all the issues I am currently and perpetually dealing with and have no advice to turn to in my "real life." So thank you once again for being the professional help I've never once been granted access to for a variety of reasons....
My toxic family all need to turn to Christ they are so evil it’s insane it’s done a lot of damage to me over the years causes major depression anxiety and addictions I quit my addictions for a year but since I am stuck in the same environment my addictions returned it could be very stressful when you are around this evil
The more I learn, the more I wonder how I made it.
Me too. A smorgasbord of abuse and then some.I think my grandparents saved me, and they were the only one's that were safe.
Same.
Our bodies and minds are very versatile, resilient.
Personally my ASD and my body had it all figured before I the person had figured or excepted in my mind.
Don't self blame, self love and care. Firm boundaries for all. Time and space be you and do what you love.
No contact and positive circles.Exercise. Lots of laughing. Writing, reading, doodle, paint, mysic,music, stretches, meditation that works for you.
Support circles and professionals that work by your boundaries and vise versa.
Nature, plants, animals. Helping others but being aware of manipulators and red flags behind smiles and lies.
Documenting and believing you can and will have a life, a future. Speak your truths blessings yall. Day by day
Blessings. Better or worse. LONG BUT WORTH IT process.
Same here,
I don't know about you but it was my faith that kept me in it.
Same! ❤
The sheer will of every fibre of your being screaming in pain in silence. Believe me, I know... And you wonder why people turn to substance abuse and violence. I get it... It's not healthy coping mechanism but I get it. ANY coping mechanism is better than madness or violence...
With narc parents, it always feels like you're playing a rigged chess game. It wears you out.
Absolutely!
Very well said.
Energy vampires 👹
I like what he said about equality.👍
That’s a great analogy.
So true!❤️🔥
Hell yes!!! It is exactly just that! I was talking to my Fiance about this just last week and not sure if a book has been written yet with this analogy I’m assuming it has to already be out there somewhere. But that’s exactly what it is and they want us to Play! You have to think 7 steps ahead of these types and this is why it’s not even worth playing because that’s what they want! They want us to be consumed with playing their game and losing our souls over it in the process. The way we win this game of Chess is to turn the damn table over, say toodle loo and Scram!!!! Right!?
My narcissistic father hated self-confidence. He didn't have any, and he didn't want me to have any. He tried his damnedest to destroy my self-confidence every chance he got. Fortunately, I won that battle.
My mother did the same. I learnt to fake self-confidence
@@6B8RX I did too. Problem was alcoholism at age 16. At age 40 I went into treatment and came out of that with the most important possession ever: my self esteem. Been 31 years sober. And I stopped associating with “family”.
#1: they HATE therapists!
Hated you first
Just saying
Yep. My parents would mock mine and say they're not helping you.
When I was 13 and suffering from a debilitating immune system disease, Mom marched me into a counselor's office because I was "angry and defiant" -- she just knew I was the family problem. Never mind the fact I was very artistic and the best student among her brood. After a few weeks the counselor advised her to give me space, and to think about working on her own problems first. Naturally, Mom declared that I had manipulated the counselor, and all the sessions stopped. It was insane living with that woman, easily the most difficult person I was compelled to endure.
#2: They hate any healthy friends &/or mate/spouse you may have.🤢
@@malwads1836 that is so true. All friends get insulted in their back but to our face.
My best friend when I was a teen had a nose on the bigger side, she felt very insecure about it (that was 1995, nose jobs weren’t a thing, especially for teens) ofc I was careful to never hurt her feelings about it, but both my “adult” parents would humiliate me (with an older brother in the attendance) by calling her Cyrano (from Cyrano De Bergerac) and a bunch of other nasty things about her appearance.
I was 14-15. That was the example of an adult I had, even at that young age I knew better.
My maternal unit would attack all of my female friends like that, some of their mother’s too. There was always something. Strangely, not my male friends though… [as an adult now, thinking back, it was predatory, she groomed my first boyfriend at 14, he was 17, we dated for ~1.5y - btw both parents are still married and together ttd].
So I mainly hung up with boys.
Even today, I’m 44, and friendships with females are still complicated for me. On the other hand, I feel like the older we get the more difficult it is to have male-female purely platonic friendships. Some don’t even believe it’s possible. I love the energy of male friendships, which probably translates in the simplicity and superficiality of it.
I can now say that I have one female friend, I met her 1y ago and she’s my neighbour (3 doors down the street, but we share the backyard). She’s very thoughtful, empathetic, respectful, very caring, generous, we share quite a lot, progressively.
For now, for where I’m coming back form, having 1 good friend, that checks in here and there when she hasn’t hear from me, invites me for a picnic or dinner in the backyard, and she pretty much meets me where I am, and this really is just what I need rn, it’s priceless to me, she’s priceless.
So, eh, there’s hope!
Hugging, holding hands, kissing, saying I love you, communication, sharing, independence, teaching you anything, having a bond with your siblings and finally abandonment. Blood doesn't make family 💯
No
It doesn't
What's worse
People that were there to protect us and nurture are actually monsters who abuse you in all possible ways
I was adopted. My "mother" used to tell me that "blood is thicker than water."
Sure, Mom. That's why you gave up your "real" daughter for adoption; and later adopted two strange baby girls. Because "blood is thicker than water."
In my experience they will touch you to show ownership over you. But it's true that they don't do friendly hugs.
@@joannageorge7305I always felt repulsed when my family would hug me and I had the urge to throw them off. I've had a family member hug me and not let go before under the guise of love. Very uncomfortable. Feels like living in a cult
So true. The first time I stood up to my mother and set a boundary was when I was 41. I was at the beginning of the mid-life change and that was a defining moment of reclaiming who I was. I think something in me just broke and I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. I am 45 now. Since then I have been in a process of figuring out who I am, independent of my family, and learning that I deserve to live, to have a self, and to be respected. It's tough and an ongoing process of learning. She raised me to be overly open with my feelings and experiences, and she used my vulnerability to have closeness with me and control over me. I see now that she doesn't have the inner strength, so she wants mine. She is always trying to get something from me. She frequently puts me in the position of teacher, leader, the example, or the one to inspire her, while she is in control and pulls the strings. I don't allow any of this anymore, and she hates that I have firm boundaries and keep parts of my life private. I keep contact with her to a minimum. I think I always carry some sadness that it is this way, but there's nothing I can do about her not taking responsibility for her own healing. I can only take responsibility for mine.
I did the same when I was 40 and am the same age as you. However, my mother really did not handle my boundaries well and refused to acknowledge them so I just stopped contacting her, told her she could call when she was ready to talk. Well it’s been five years and she has never called. My mother will never be accountable to her actions, it is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. So no contact and peace it is for me. Best to you.
Dang that hits so close to home for me too. I’m so happy you’re on your self differentiation journey now ❤
@@Stolat79my mother is the same way. It is so sad that they would rather not speak to us again than to just be decent toward us and respect our boundaries. Once I finally started developing boundaries years ago, the whole family I grew up in decided to shun me pretty much. They didn't like the new version of me that wasn't their doormat or trash heap. Since then I've tried to have some sort of healthy relationship with them but they had no interest. No contact is the route I finally had to take. It is hard but necessary. I pray for healing and strength for all of you here, in the same boat.
Great wrote up i am 41 and put my foot down and it didnt end well for me, it out a further rift in my entire family and of course she thinks ..no n9 she know she had nothing to do with it. But will gladly soak up the attention, shes blamed me for being dificult ever since i was a child. Xonvince all her siblings of the same and to flying monkey me. Sad I lead a lonely life now.
Thats hapoeneing to me right exact same thing shunning for standing up to her the qomen who does no wrong but starts everything everytime @@freeinJesus
Oh yes, I have been ridiculed for taking long baths (soaking), I have been ridiculed for taking care of my body, ridiculed almost mercilessly for stopping eating BREAD and other inflammatory foods. The little “giggle” when you tell a narcissist “I don’t do that or eat that or don’t like that.” Or “I don’t have anything to do right now.” A narcissist is typically the LAZIEST one person on the planet, but they think YOU should be working and/or busy constantly. Alternatively, you’re not supposed to rest, you’re not supposed to not feel good, you’re not supposed to have fun OR the narc expects you to make sure THEY are included in the fun even though their underlying intention is to ruin it for you and everyone else. You’re not supposed to spend money on yourself, either and I’m a 50+ year old grown ass woman!
Any serious reasons for not going "no contact", for example - still small children...?
@@matikramer9648 Unfortunately, not right now. I try to keep my distance. That’s all I can do at this juncture in time.
I can so relate. Spot on description.
I came up with a reply for some of that crapola. I look at them with a sort of mild superiority, and I smile and say "well, if I thought that your opinion had any value, then I would pay more attention to it."
And I would continue to eat my burger with NO bun.
@@lindac6919 😂😂 My reply to her wasn’t as gentle as that. I was nice about it, but I “painted a vivid picture” of why I stopped eating bread. 💩💩💩
Oh how I wish I understood all of this when I was in my 30s and starting to make a very independent life for myself. I gave that life up for my family because they pressured me for years to live my life like they wanted me to and I was a naive daughter that wanted to please my parents.
Me too
We really need to remember that narcissists suffer from superiority complex. It is not that they can't handle criticism, trust me, they can. But they are SELECTIVE with those who criticize them. A narcissistic husband can endure criticism from his boss but NOT from his wife, less kids. Narcissists only respect those they perceive as more powerful than them but treat with disdain or like objects those they think are inferior. Example, my mom could endure my father verbal and physical abuse towards her but will rage as a lunatic when a kid made a silly mistake
That's my house. My dad physically abused my mom for a decade. If I talk about it I'm considered to be crazy. But if I do literally anything at all I get criticized for it. Does it matter what it is I get criticized. Everybody else can do it except for me.
Yep. 🍒 Cherry Picking.
A narcissistic SPOUSE can take criticism from their boss but not their SPOUSE.
Husband or wife.
You can't "fire" them like the boss can.
This.
Very interesting insight. It would explain how when I finally got fed up and when I sort of waylayed on the narc bully tyrant…it was only then that he had some sort of weird “admiration” for me. Picked on incessantly for ages until I turned the tables. Not that he’s any better in character but at least I was able to get some kind of “Alpha street cred” so to speak and it stopped the overt getting kicked around Bs dead in its tracks. I found it to be such a strange phenomenon. (Step father). Of course that didn’t happen until I was nearly 50 years old. They’re opposite tho. (At least he is like this). The “meaner” I am to him, the “nicer” he gets. (Or Aka “behaves”). The nicer I am to him, the meaner he gets and the more I get abused. So well it’s survival eh? I had to be “that bitch” to him just to get one shred of respect or relief. (Which by all accounts is just behavior modification on his part Bcuz of that dynamic you so well described). I’d rather just be around nicer folks tho eh? That is just way too much work.
My father would never take any advice, criticism, or anything for that matter from myself, as “He is the Father, and I am the Son, never mind I am 56 years old!!!
too many narcissists in one lifetime 😔
We are many too
It's hard to accept, personally. I get cognitive dissonance I can FEEL
And that is why I am the black sheep, scapegoat, outcast..correct on every point.
Ditto! The Meg on Family Guy is secretly the character MOST of us identify with because we've all been trapped in that dynamic and can't escape it... The person everyone relies on but gets shit oh the most...
Here,here..☝️
Same here. I just distance myself
Me too
Wow, this explains why my mom acted weird when my dad passed away. She acted like my sisters, and I didn't have a right to grieve him. That her grief and feelings mattered and were more important than ours. I understand now a lot of my mom's crazy way of thinking throughout my childhood and adulthood. I'm so grateful that I have started setting boundaries and detaching from her. I have gone no contact and am working on healing myself. ❤❤
Good for you!
My parents had been divorced over 40 years when my dad died. Us kids had already talked about how we were going to handle things with her at the funeral home and burial. We had to keep all eyes on her at all times. She walked around and 💩 talked, especially me (of course), but whomever and wherever she could get a jab in. She kissed my dads forehead (in the casket) right in front of my step-mom. I was the only one of us kids that saw it. We were not allowed to grieve properly (we are all in our 50’s all of this happened less than 3 years ago) because she was posting BS on Facebook for everyone to see, messaging her favorite granddaughter demanding a necklace back that she gave her a few years before, told my middle brother 3 weeks after the funeral “You don’t have a mother anymore!!” He already didn’t have anything to do with her because of her BS. Oh yes..the first time she told him that was when he was 13. She is an awful, horrible, bitter, hateful person who is jealous of everything and everyone and especially her kids. Sick sick sick.
100% !! It's their way 0r the highway, narcissitic people aren't in it for you but it's all about them.
Everything in this video so is true and real.
They hate everything which is not beneficial to them, literally.
They are brutal.
Pure evil.
No love found in them, never ever.
Thank you Jerry.
They hate joy, openess, kindness,respect, boundaries, happiness...et
The more I listen videos on this theme, the more I hate my narcissist.
I find that knowing what is actually "normal" is one of my most difficult challenges. Thanks for sharing
Did they hate me? For escaping 1,000 miles away? Which I did for simple physical survival? For refusing to go "back home," as they demanded over and over in every way they could? Did they hate me for not giving my life to them? Noting that they did all you say and more. It feels like that.
380 miles, here.
They hated you when you were there, then they hated that you left. That's what I got from my family of origin. Now they got another reason to hate me. My wife and I had two children and refused to bring them there. We just didn't want to bring that drama in our life, so we left
I am starting to think that they hated us. Oh it can be rationalized. But the result is the same, hatred or wilful ignorance. And hatred is handled differently, accepted, instead of trying to change them, hoping that they would change if they would just try to understand. They won't. They just will not. The cost of complete separation from them is high. Not as high as that fruitless, futile struggle.
They seem to me to just be full of hate. They don’t love anyone Bcuz they don’t have it in them to love anyone. Even their own kids. I had to accept that too. It sucks but you are much better off not having a front row seat to it as they will never “grow a heart.” The Grinch is a great story but for them…to ever grow a heart..it is pure fiction.
I guess the good news is that we still can be loved by others. Better people who have far more capacity to love others. We are still lovable and their lack of love does not exclude us from ALL love. It just will not ever be from them. As we hear over and over (and how hard it seems to be to not get amnesia about it or for it to truly sink in). It’s not us. It’s them. They’ve always been “the problem” not us.
@@tatianaromanova2655 Good for you & family. I get it. Ditto.
There was nothing worse than having to constantly tell my mom that I wasn't interested in her useless advice or connections she knew. Having to tell her that I didn't care about something that brought little help/use for me annoyed her.
It's been a hard time for me being suffering from physical and emotional abuse by my own mother and others in the family where I am the bad guy always even when I have nothing to do with them. Finally I have decided to go no contact forever.
I did the same thing I haven’t talk to my mom in 2 years
As I became an adult, flourished as an artist and student, attended college on scholarships, returned home for visits, developed a career, got married, had kids, etc., childhood memories of my parents' reactions to similar situations, in which I found myself, helped me realize just how awful Mom really was. We always knew she was troubled, but I cannot imagine treating my own flesh and blood the way she treated her children, especially her scapegoats. Her golden children have elected to continue the curse in their own families, and there's nothing that can be done to help them realize that they're stuck constantly "learning the hard way." They are purveyors of relentless envy, brinksmanship and strife.
Exactly this, thank you for sharing.
And love is conditional/transactional. It is not unconditional although that is what they expect.
I like asking the Narky: "Why WOULD I love you? What's in it for ME?"
I learned so late in life that my own nm was so jealous of my independence. I moved out and had my own apartment and could do as I please. A healthy patent would be proud of their child succeeding. Mine was jealous because she could never achieve that. She always married men who took care of her.
Sorry to hear it
Agghhhhhhh this is what I suspect of my covert nm. Thank you for sharing. You confirmed it for me.
This one explains why the best year of my life was the worst year of my mother's life.
Most healthy I had ever been mentally, independent with money to do whatever I wanted to do. Already differentiated to a great degree from 1994 to now, still room to grow. Happiness as well as sharing things I needed to do for self improvement. Identify them and share plans.
All met with disgust, scowls, criticism, contrary advice, and looking out the window while speaking to her. She actually became physically sick to her stomach that year, and even shit her pants the day I showed her a new haircut and color. She is bald. Pulled out her driver's license that hid her remaining 12 hairs and said while scowling, "look at me! Totally bald!" Slapped the license on the table in anger. As for my haircut, "Looks the same" shit herself before we went to lunch. That was the second to the last time I saw her. Sad but true. Never had so much emotional recovery from differentiation and insights into what I have left to do. To improve myself and get the last damn dysfunctional toxic cell out of me. Family super self cells. Eew.
Thanks once again for sharing Jerry.
She shit herself and she will always shit herself just like my parents for maybe all of eternity
It sound like cancer cells, those last dysfunctional family super cells
Take it out
When I express positive things about myself I'm told I'm proud and need to be more humble; they do this for me by reminding me of how bad I am and putting me in my place
Always having to put you in your place when you get too big for your boots. And they make it sound like they are doing you a favour. Relatable.
It sounds like you met my narcissistic mother in law 😮😅
This was about narcissistic parents, but it was also very helpful with narcissistic relationships. As the senior board member of our HOA, I have been trying with one other to train younger people who are new to the board (so that me and the other can let them take over while we relax). One particular woman around 35 has bullied her way to the President position, pretending to know everything, but knows little. My job was to train her, but she wants me out of the picture to spend homeowner money for her own personal gain, a front yard fence that no one else has, that the entire HOA will pay for. I told her "no", and four months later with endless corrections to her, she has called for a homeowner meeting to have me voted off the board, but can't cite a single thing I've done wrong. I don't think she realizes people can see right through her, even if they don't know narcissism.
🍀
In other words, they're Nuts!
😂
Extremely helpful! Thank you!
This explains so many confusing things, so many confusing interactions with my parents! It settles in my mind, brings me peace, to issues from the past that brought me so much confusion. I understand now, and feel great peace about things that had weighed down on my mind. I get it.
Not just with parents, but I have experienced the same with many others - bosses, teachers, authority figures - over the course of my life.
I am not crazy after all!
No, you are not crazy after all or before it
Nor did I
My dad in a nutshell.
*a grand slam video on this one. Bullseye bullseye bullseye 🎯🎯🎯. I think I developed super hyper awareness even of my bodily sensations as a counterbalance to always having to be aware of the narcissistic parents and their irrational emotions and their needs. I really enjoy more and more thinking how I went no contact in October 1995 and never broke it. Amazing and mind boggling how they thought that after a lifetime of verbal abuse and often some physical abuse and emotional neglect that the adult child would want to hang around or spend any time or make little nice phone calls or visits in any way shape or form. Talk about being in total denial! Vacuum sealed brains*
AMEN to all of this! Every right with my mother is about how violating she is and refuses to respect boundaries much less others much less me. The scoffs, smirks, eye-rolls, faux injuries are enough to put me into a tail-spin of dark thoughts and depression. Her reaction? Whatever. Eyeroll. Walk away. To quote her hateful and unhelpful language which makes me feel worse about myself which is the point... "I just don't know how to deal with you anymore"
Can you leave and never come back?
One of your best Jerry!!
I need to work on Internal Boundaries. I always knew my dad could be verbally angry.
To this day I struggle with driving. Didn't help that he slammed the keys down after my 1st practice on a gravel road, "I'm never driving with you again!." Going super-slow, I froze & was confused when he yelled repeatedly, "Straighten out the wheel!" The steering wheel sure didn't look like my bike.
So I put off getting my license, barely passing. 10 years later I still didn't own a car. I had moved out at age 17 (had a job & apartment in same town).
At 30, when I asked dad for his old car so I could meet a friend, he was still sure I would have a wreck. Surprised he did let me buy it!
Anyway, fast forward, I always thought my mom was my friend. Now I & my husband have identified many Narcissistic behaviors. I see my adult children as adults, my mom sees me as a child. My childhood home was full of walking on eggshells & yelling.
After my dad died, I think I became her new supply to trigger.
After viewing this I made my mother and father miserable!!!! I say AMEN. It's a blessing that both me and later my daughter made it through this abusive nightmare. Even now as i am working hard to regain my independence she must be even more miserable now that I know what I know. I'm no contact with my dad and his family! Amen and halleluyah!
Amen and amen
👏👏👏🍀🍀🍀🍀
im just as fucked up as they are, so hard not to try to change them
I understand
But only one person who you can influence is you yourself... I spend decades waiting to my parents to change...
But how many decades human being have in his life...
Go and live your own life, please
Thank you, thank you, dear Jerry so much for all your videos.
You are so loved here and appreciated.
God bless you from Cynthia in JANESVILLE, WI
Your list is very accurate relative to my experience. One of my final contacts was having one of them screaming at me - in my house - that I don't have any right to privacy or to have any boundaries, having refused, despite incessant hounding, to feed the other with gossipping data about my wife's personal business behind her back.
I'll contribute with a pervasive lifelong pattern of detecting signs of possible happiness and trying to put a stop to it, by attacking and belittling anything suspected of bringing me joy. When all visible happy grounds were already carpet-bombed to death, then random pot-shots out of nowhere at anything would always do. Because supposedly if they could make me as miserable as they are, then - and against all the evidence - I'd somehow by magic have to conclude that letting them take total control over me so they could consume my life for their purposes was my right way forward.
- 00:30 🚧 Internal Boundaries: Narcissistic parents dislike internal boundaries as they represent emotional detachment and independence.
- 01:00 🌐 External Boundaries: Narcissistic parents also dislike external boundaries which limit their control over others.
- 01:04 🏃♂ Independence: Narcissists dislike others being independent and prefer those who are dependent on them.
- 01:30 🗣 Criticism and Feedback: Narcissistic parents cannot tolerate criticism or feedback as it threatens their control.
- 02:05 💔 Emotional Vulnerability: Vulnerability around a narcissist makes them uncomfortable and may be exploited.
- 02:30 🤝 Equality in Relationships: Narcissists hate equality in relationships as they need to feel superior.
- 03:08 🎉 Success and Happiness: Narcissistic parents are uncomfortable with others' success and happiness because it contrasts with their own dissatisfaction.
- 04:01 🧍 Self-Focus and Differentiation: Narcissists dislike when others focus on themselves instead of the narcissist.
- 04:35 🌿 Authenticity: Authenticity is hated by narcissists unless it can be manipulated to their advantage.
- 05:07 🧠 Self-Awareness: Narcissistic parents want others to focus on them, not on self-awareness, which exposes their flaws.
- 05:46 ⚖ Self-Regulation: Narcissists dislike others being self-regulated and prefer to control their emotions and reactions.
- 06:28 🙇 Apologizing and Correcting: Narcissists cannot handle apologizing or taking responsibility as it shows vulnerability.
- 07:18 📚 Learning Healthy Norms: Jerry suggests learning what is healthy and normal to deal with narcissistic parents.
- 07:56 🚫 Don't Try to Change Them: Trying to change narcissistic parents leads to enmeshment and frustration.
- 08:22 ❤ Be Your Own Best Parent: Focus on self-care and emotional maturity to compensate for what was lacking from narcissistic parents.
Thank you
Thank you for summarising it
I better absorb written text
Thanks
What you do, making and posting amazing content, is such a huge blessing in my life. Please don't ever wonder whether you are making a difference. Your content saves and extends lives. Thank you.
I concur
It's saved me years of mental anguish, maybe a lifetime. My unending gratitude 🙏💌
You are definitely one of my favorite and most helpful therapists. Thank you again, Jerry. Be Wise 🦉📚🪱
Your videos help me so much! I was raised by an emotionally immature mother who had an abusive mother. My grandmother was born in 1914 and her methods were considered good child rearing at the time. Both were certainly narcissistic but didn't seem to have NPD. I wonder if my mother's narcissism was caused by being the only child in a physically and emotionally abusive home? She had no one to talk to and no witnesses. She has the same traits as an adult child of an alcoholic, but there wasn't alcoholism in her home. I was married to an alcoholic, so I know the difference. As I listen to you, your information fills in the gaps for me. I'm extremely grateful! 💜 By the way, you look wonderful in that purple color! 😄
Explains a lot…why I was either openly or secretly hated by them so much. It’s ironic how “normal” I was the whole time. All this time they make out like I’m so strange and abnormal. Turns out THEY’RE the true freaks of nature and not me.
I love being around the authentic, self aware, independent, accountable, people who have boundaries. It’s like night and day compared to being around these blood sucking psychos. It’s such a relief. How much more you can just relax, let your hair down…not have to be on guard or be worried abt someone trying to stuff you in some box, defend yourself, not always after you like some stage 5 clinger, etc…and frankly it’s such a relief. It’s easy, like chilling by the lake and sipping some lemonade. Like a respite from a war zone.
But well, ya know. A parasite (which is what they are) will never love the things that a host would love simply Bcuz everything good for us is bad news for them.
Thank you Jerry Wise!❤
Most welcome! 🙂
Oh yes if I was relaxed, Ndad made sure to bother me.
Sounds like my neighbours...
Sorry,
no close narcissistic relationships for years, but pair of very nasty neighbours, real piece of work
Thank you for giving me an answer to my resent wonderings....
Sounds like my mom
An outstanding blueprint for recognizing, evaluating, and understanding the narcissist - parent or otherwise! Clear and concise for getting out of the conundrum of control (might be disguised for decades) and becoming authentic. 🌟 🎉 Explosive wisdom ❤
Speaking facts again Jerry! My father can't stand too see me happy or setting boundaries with him or questioning anything he makes everything about him and him only plus he loves gaslighting and playing mind games as I stated before.
i wanna thank you for making me laugh - not ridiuling watt you say, but i can see you´ve been through all these tactics and dramas - looking at it from the outside is "funny", like children laugh in a "game". gives me the feelikng of security , knowing you´re not gonna hurt me, we have both expirienced the horror and theres now a chance to survive. thank you!
I learned to not exist around my mother, just wearing heels around the house would set her off. I learned to only wear slippers or flip flops or no shoes at all and I would sneak my heels into a bag and change into them in my car. I also learned it was better to not wear makeup around her and to appear sickly which in truth I was sick most of the time. I always felt fatigued, weak and out of breath so it was actually not acting. She felt better when I was not doing well and the minute she would see I had perked up and felt more strength she would begin getting moody and agitated again and bare down with her passive aggression. The only way my mother “love bombed” me was with food. I would always prepare my own meals because I actually started to think she was poisoning me very mildly to keep me sick. I found some fine granular stuff in her cabinet in her closet and she came home! So I scurried out of her room and she didn’t say anything. The next time I went back in there to get some of it was gone. Maybe I was just paranoid but I did find it very strange that after a huge blow up followed by my silence and avoidance she would start making all the foods that she stopped making years ago after my father had phased away as to tempt me. At the very least my serving myself to her food gave her permission to start excessively talking again as if nothing ever happened and this would start up the cycle of abuse again. It was literally like clock work!!! My mother also tried to throw around her weight after my father had quadruple bypass and he couldn’t advocate for himself as before. He too was very narcissistic and their relationship for 5 decades was all business and asset building. A year and half before my father passed away she was acting like a bully with him and he managed to threaten her by cutting her out of the will! Boy, did she get in line!!!!
THANK YOU once again Dr Wise for this supportive community, sharing your expertise and experiences, and ALL of these helpful videos ❣🙏💖
You've hit the nail on the head! I've listened to this about 7 times in a row. I don't know how or why, but you've completely explained some things that I need in my brain. I'll handle my parent in a much better way now. Thank you.
A narc parent cannot and will not change... a narc cannot be fixed but we can fix ourselves and be a normal and healthy human being
I've cheated DEATH so many times over each decade (6) of my life that what REALLY surprises me is that even though at 60 I have many health issues & on That ALONE with all due thanks to my entire Famdamnly THAT IM ALIVE WHATSOEVER. HARMONEY IN A AUTHORITARIAN CHRISTIAN CULT DERIVES HARMONY FROM THEIR HARM OF ME.
Let’s be Wise! Thank you!
They hate life,light,air and sun
God bless Bless you 🙏, Jerry!!!! 😀 Thank you for your daily support!!! I need it!!! ❤
just reaching out 😔 and saying hi Jerry. thank you
Hello there!
I remember being in the shape of my life & when I hurt my back my narcisist family gaslit me for being a man...
And they let you know you must adjust what you think of, or the pet name you've given someone you love... Yrs back I worked as an office temp, my answering machine my lifeline to paying my bills if I wasn't home, my sil who never had to support herself (perish the thought) insisted I get rid of it cuz it bugged her, of course I ignored her, still putting up with her and her weird ways, her kids would never have known me and we all need a speckle of normal! 😊
My mother is just always angry, but my father is the one who always makes negative comments about everything. I've come to realize this lately. Everything he doesn't like, he will talk bad about. I don't really hear him saying good things about people/things, just the negatives about everything and how much better he is. I remember he used to talk about how politics are stupid and a waste of time to watch, now he's been deep into political stuff and "Truther" news. When I call him out on it, he says "It's not political, it's about the fate of our world!" or some bs like that. sigh....
Arguing with a Mirror that just spews random crap back at you.
Now all the negative stuff he says is based on the news he watches. He constantly talks bad about sports, and how people just waste their time watching sports and how angry they get and how they believe "they are part of the team."
Sure, I think it's silly when the kids in my HS were so angry that "Their team" lost, but I always thought it was nice when people got together for games and it became a huge social event/gathering where everyone got together. We NEVER had that sort of stuff in my family.
My father also talks bad about Religion, and all that. I personally am not a fan of Religion, and believe it was all man-made, but I'm not going to make fun of people. I sometimes will call out hypocrisy from these religious people who spout nonsense though, especially if it's towards me. I believe in The Creator, but I don't believe in any set rules or religion that entraps people. I think it's nice for these religious groups to form a nice community, but there are also evils in these groups too.
I just think that my father hates people who actually have a life and enjoy things. For as long as I've known him, he literally has just stayed in his room by himself "working." But as I've gotten older I've seen him watching TV or doing other things, where he claims he just "has the TV on in the background, just to have some noise" because he ran his own software business by himself. He would sometimes go hiking and take us hiking, sometimes going out to bring us to NYC(we lived 1.5 hours away), or somewhere, but we really didn't do much as a family. My parents really didn't have "Friends." Their "Friends" would just go out to dinner with them. it was EXTREMELY SUPERFICIAL, now that I think about it. Maybe that can explain some of my "Friendships" and why I thought "Friends" were such as easy thing to acquire and keep.
The amount of times my parents hosted people in our homes over the years was minimal. I don't even think we had anyone in the first house, mom was probably "Embarrassed' since it was a small home, as it was her childhood summer home, so it wasn't really all that big. The next house was very nice and big, and they had people over maybe a couple dozen times max, if that, in 8ish years. This new house it's been 12 years and it has to be less than 10 times. My mother would blame me that it's my fault she cannot have people over, because I'm not the cleanest person(I was diagnosed ADHD so I have "Executive function" issues, aka wanting to do things [I believe that ADHD and abuse are interconnected, so I believe this is more because of the abuse), and I really am bad with doing anything at all in life because I'm so depressed and broken, so that upset mother, and I can get that I am not the best, but I do try at times. I do need to be better though. I will own-up-to/admit that. But after I moved out at the end of 2017, and came back Feb 2019, they had a total of..... ZERO people over 😆!!!!! So yeah... Blame blame blame.... Also, as I told her already, if she really had people coming over, I would clean up right away. One thing I'm VERY GOOD at, is doing a THOROUGH Job.... It just might take me awhile to get to that point lol... 🤕. So if my mom did EVER want to have someone over, and when she DID have someone over... I would clean up.
Also, I just remembered this, she HAD a cleaning lady come bi-weekly to clean up.... So it wasn't actually bad... Her issue was my room.... NOW, however, I am a bit of a mess. I make fertilizer and I will leave finished watermelon, eggshells, etc on the table and it will take me awhile to get it outside and put it into the 5-gallon buckets outside. I really do need to be better. The table itself isn't used. It was our kitchen table, but we haven't eaten as a "Family" in who knows how long (sad, right? At least 5-10 years or more. Many times as a teen, 20 years ago, I would eat in my room. dad would eat in his, etc. I believe we still did eat as a family then... Then after we moved 12 years ago, it was rare we ate together). At the same time, I accident broken the glass table and it's broken in half basically (3/4s still there but split in half as it's a circle, if that makes sense). I would put my finished pan from cooking on the table, and usually it being a little hot wasn't a big deal, but this time it was too hot and I didn't wait long enough(I believe I always had questioned it), and then the table cracked a few mins later and split..... I'm surprised that mom didn't lose her SHTWIDSAGFUDF because I thought she would have... I was just using that table as a place for my food (I garden as well so I put my harvested stuff on there) and stuff such as my pans/pot(I put my pan into the top of the unused pot so the heat dissipates into the pot). I don't think my parents used that table at all, but after it broke It's just been my little station now, because I don't have much room at all for my stuff, and as a 34 year old, I need some space.
So yeah, I definitely cause issues at times, but they are small(I think), while I'm CONSTANTLY blamed for EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. clould clean up, and she would go onto the next thing to complain about.
So to sum up. Dad complains about everyone else, Mom complains about me.
This whole thing sounds a lot like my family. If I attempt to tie my shoes I get criticized that I'm too dumb to be able to do that. Put any other person anywhere is basically a superhero in the eyes of my mother. And I'm a lonely ant that can't do anything. Which is particularly crazy because I'm one of the more talented people on the planet
@@TrevorHamberger Yeah so much criticism. Or what really annoys me is my father will make a comment about me or my life, and I was disagree with it and he will say "But you said this and this and that." While he's not listening to what I'm saying right now. They just want to CONSTANTLY argue and be right.
@@AlvinKazu I remember a number of instances where things were brought up just because they were bored and wanted to make someone feel bad
@@TrevorHamberger Yeah that happened to me the other day. I had just helped my father for the previous 2 days trying to get him into a hobby I use, and he was looking at things and asking me questions, wanted to see what I had...
The next day mom is randomly commenting on how The word "Gaslighting" is stupid and all this and that, and I was faking knowing what it meant and was asking her what she meant and what it means, and dad said that "it means someone is lying to you and making you believe the lie" or something that isn't really exactly the definition, but close....
Then he randomly says "I remember you said I was gaslighting you."
So I said 'When did I say that?" and he said "I don't remember when, but I remember you saying something like I've gaslighted you your entire life." I said I don't believe I said that.
I don't know if I said that ot him. I believe one time, out of anger, i said "Stop gaslighting me," but to say "You said I've gavelighted you your entire life..." I don't not believe i said that..
Which is funny, as that is gaslighting itself. Which isn't just lying to someone, but making someone's recollection of the past, and their side of the events be confusing. If you can make people question their side, then you have them in your cluches.
I might have actually said "You've been gaslighting me my entire life" though, but I don't think so.
I mainly just say these things so he can see how much he's hurting me... Now I realize he doesn't, nor did he ever, give a fk about my feelings and emotions.. I'm "Too sensitive" to him.
It's sad, we had 2-3 days that were pretty good, and after me not being really that close to him lately, I twas nice, as I'm trying to see if maybe things COULD work out (but we know at this point in the world, they wont).
Then he does this BS. So i've been a bit cold ot him again. What's the point in being nice?
you hit another nail in the coffin Jerry. very painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always.
You're very welcome
Someone who went to a CODA meeting told me about "Run and Chase." Wow did I need to hear that at that time..
Dear Jerry ,.many would like you to write a book/books about all the precious info you give your listeners. Thousands of people would like to read this over and over. It will be a great best seller! A new Doctor SPOCK handbook. Thank you for sharing your knowledge!
It's in the making :)
@@jerrywise excellent!
Yeah i cant tell my family of narcissists any triumphs or successes or good things that happen in my life. So I keep it to myself.
I was on a text chain where my mother constantly gives updates on her life, like I care... I never respond and she just keeps going...
Thank you. Eyes-opening information. I got a bit terrified when I lookad at it from the opposite perspective - what they "love" what other people hate.
Concentrate on positive
I'm the only one in my Family for 3 generations to diagnose myself an 'aware narcissist'. Of course I'm the 'scape-goat' & only the 'empath' in the entire Family. The women are the most treacherous but the men (Father, Brother) steal money en masse from each other. They don't keep promises. There are no childhood pictures. A home devoid of love. Raising myself, alone. So I never Married or had Kids. What kind of parent has children as props? What world was I born in? I dare not birth a soul to suffer.
It wasn't until I noticed narcissistic tendencies in myself that I understood that I was infected by my mother. She robbed me of my childhood and robbed me of any chance at motherhood. When I met my husband 10 years ago he was the first person to show me what actual love really looked like. And I started coming around to the possibility of having children with him. But now it's too late. At least I'm on the road to recovery and I'll be a better wife, sister and aunt.
You might be not a narc
Tendencies and traits and behavioural patterns don't make you NPD..
Yes, but they know how to cover these items up so it’s not easy to see how they TRULY are.
Thank you for hearing me..
It is so valueable to be heard..
Thank you so much dear Jerry Wise ❤
Unfortunately for me and fortunately for me this video right on time !
I guess it is right not only for parents, but also to people that have some narcissistic traits...
For all points I can sign V, as present and active
Thank you very much, Jerry
It was right on time
I watch you, Les Carter, Jay Reid Tamara Hill , Rebecca Mandeville, Mindset Therapy and each one of you brings a different angle that paints a very good picture of what narcissism is. I want to thank each one of you very much! The information has created a defense that is working to protect me and many many others. Thanks for your kindness ❤
They hate moral ....
Awesome information! Everything you have said seems to apply to narcissists in general. They are a mirror image of normalcy. Thanks for verbalizing everything so clearly. Can’t wait to check out your info on what it means to be normal! Seems to me that a lack of self awareness is epidemic these days. Fortunately a majority of us are self aware enough to keep things from completely spiraling out of control!
Jerry, this has been one of my top three videos about this subject. I've listened to it a number of times. It EXPLAINS, so much. I've kept trying to get love and care from someone who hates me. I can quit trying to get that. It's just not in her, his, abilities. I can quit trying for that. Mom hated me. Pop hated me. Well ok then. There ARE good people. Just not them. Absolutely nothing that I can do can change or influence them. I can let go.
Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
#JerryWiseisWise ❤❤ this is so helpful.
This is shockingly true.
Dziękujemy.
EXACTLY!!!! So TRUE!!! Thank You!!!
So true. They hate this stuff. So makes them poor rearers of children. By Narc parents hated the parental role.
*Respect Mr🦉
My mother hated cats..because cats are independent..she also didnt believe in psychologists or psychiatrists
Let me start this video over, you are saying spot ON things...
Get out before you turn to drugs✨️
Thank you 🎉🎉🎉
You’re welcome 😊
Very wise. The owls are not what they seem :D
I love this. Your channel is so helpful!
Thank you for brillant observations and advice. So true. Painfully accurate.
one of your best . . .
Thank you,
Thank you so much sir for this eye opening video.
Excellent and well said
Thank you kindly 💙
To the Wise survivors in the comments and Mr. Wise... Is it strange...yes, narc single parent and her enmeshed narc-gc male child who commanded themselves as the male parent- gross, 🤮 i know/im sorry... but I feel these apply to some people (?): partners jumped out 😞💔😭, work relationships, neighbors... I'm asking before I send this to someone who was so mistreated 😢 and almost two years later is very much suffering, still.
Thank you ❤
You're welcome 😊
My mother was a domineering narc. Father was a weak hen-pecked.
All True…
❤❤❤
🩵🩵🩵🍭🍬🐋
I was fortunate enough to have a narcissist mother and 5 other members of the family were the same I was the scapegoat but looking back I needed those lessons in life because after I walked away the next challenge appeared and it was 10 times harder but I had the strength from the first 37 years and the challenges have not stopped but I enjoy navigating them to completion it's called life and it's like a dirt road the dust is the damage and when it settled you move on with experience so if you go down the dirt road again there will be no dust 😊