8 DOWNSIDES to Breaking the Generational Cycle of Family Dysfunction
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- čas přidán 18. 07. 2023
- Explore the 8 unexpected downsides of breaking the generational cycle of family dysfunction. Accept the downsides, Heal, and transform.
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC has helped 1000s of People in the Same Situation as You… As a family system and self-differentiation coach, he uses his knowledge to help clients permanently get unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to substitute for professional counseling help. Be sure to consult a professional in helping you with these integrate and utilize these concepts.
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🔥Access my FREE Training - "Build The REAL SELF You Were Never Allowed To Have!"
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I am getting a self and I never realized I had so much power!!! I can do things and I can go after my dreams. I can know what is good for me. I am not the little child that my dad abused!!!
I would be an enthusiastic membernof your programs, but live in a remote country and am aged.
I go to therapy for Years... siblings STILL think I am 'target", so I see them AS LITTLE AS I Can. Twice a Year= Plenty!!
For me, breaking the ancestral abuse patterns wasn’t about pros and cons, it happened when I became a parent. I simply asked myself if I trusted any of them alone with my child without them immediately bullying, gaslighting, and smearing reputations to my child. It’s simply who they are and what they do.
100% spot on. I am living the same experience. Keep going and I pray for your continued strength.❤
Same. They pushed to take a certain path then my mother wants to poison my child abt where she pushed me to..... the delusion is unbelievable. All I think is love my child unconditionally and keep going break the cycle
Same with me. The parends are deceased, the siblings critcise big time and still look down on me annd my children, all grown up, and good citizens
It’s not they it’s “about” the pros and cons, but it’s very helpful to know them going into it.
Wow I thought I was the only one this happened to I absolutely don't trust my mother alone with my children. When my daughter was a month old my mom came to visit. She was holding the baby at arms length. Baby started crying instead of trying to soothe the child or figure out what was wrong, wet diaper, sleepy, hunger, etc... She mocked the baby by making the same crying sound back to her. I asked: "Aren't you going to do something?" As babies only cry when they have a need not being met. Her response: "No, everything is all right". I snatched my daughter away from her very quickly, checked her diaper and it was soiled and needed changing.
My family never supported me in any way so breaking free of them was not a struggle at all. It was much easier then being in their toxic energy.
I have broken it by leaving the family amd not having kids.
❤🩹
Same. ❤
Hi, Jerry, 73 yo nana here. I’m breaking the cycle! These are not “ downsides,” they’re good points of awareness. 🙏🏼
Get away! You cannot heal where you got sick. Just leave!
For me the biggest upside was seeing my little brother have a familly member he could trust, i am for him the person i didnt have, no downside could beat this one ❤
There are downsides. I wanted to challenge the narratives without losing my entire family. That wasn't possible. The only way to be in the family was to reflect back their rosy view of themselves (well, my mother). My mother told me that she hopes I can grow in to the person I'm meant to be. Huh. I'm trying. But what she means is that I can have no visible reaction to her projecting everything she wants on to me. I must be whatever she needs me to be to avoid her having to self-reflect. I have a good relationship with my daughter though. However, so does my mother, so my mother doesn't get that she's the problem
Thank you for sharing Susana
These narcissistic family systems oftentimes operate like a cult...The cycle breakers aren't really common,this is why oftentimes we have to leave our entire family of origin behind.Usually the other siblings & whatnot just want to keep playing their toxic roles in the system because it's what's most "comfortable" for them even if it's really unhealthy.
It's hard if you don't have kids or extended family. I was the skapegoat at an early age. As a person in my 60s, I have been no contact since the parents passed and my elder siblings (the golden children) sold the house and moved to Florida. I found out they were doing this when the house was online. It can be very isolating. I have a therapist who is wonderful. Regardless, unless you establish trusting relationships, it can be difficult. I was divorced after 20 years around the same time. I have no living relatives.
It's necessary to continue with our own self-care.
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Hi, Jerry!!!! Welcome back!!! We have missed you!!!🤗🤗🤗
Hey, thanks!
Jerry I'm taking care of my dying, malignant narcissistic mom. I was no-contact for a year, but in her last months, I'm helping her - I'm all she has. - I'm really suffering here. - Grey rocking and watching videos to make it through. I'll be getting a lot of support.
Im so glad I never had to deal with my mum in her last years, she had sundowners dementia. One of my sisters is helping our dad, I couldn't even if I was asked, I can't be around him. Both my parents are narcissistic, i left years ago because im the scapegoat anyway and nothing I do is ever good enough. He's left everything to the sister who's helping him, but what a price to pay. No thanks.
@@tinkingtinking2134Exactly🤢.Anything they "give" to you... You're going to pay it BACK 10x with your happiness,peace,& general well-being.This is why we warn folks in this community NOT to hang around for an inheritance... It's never worth it whether you get $0 or a bunch of 💰.Some people are desperate for a inheritance to help validate themselves that they were a "good kid" but you don't need it😉👍🏻.
@@tinkingtinking2134 ❤🩹
I helped look after my awful mother I found my dog was really good support plus a good distraction
God bless you, I took care of my father while he was dying and then was the constant support of my mother. At 58, I realized she was a covert narc and now grey rock her. I cared for her for 58 years. My two siblings can deal w/her now, she’s 87. If it’s months or 15 yrs doesn’t matter to me, they now get to take care of her however they see fit.
One morning she called me crying and screaming she was in pain and needed to go back to the emergency room. She told me she couldn’t call my one sibling b/c after 40 yrs he finally got a real job and just started and couldn’t take off. My response was I don’t have extra time to take off for her since I need it to use for my own health issues. She was livid I would not drop everything to run to her😂 I made her responsible to take care of her own health. I will never again, waste any of my time w/her health issues. God bless you and prayers for strength and comfort.
I tried my best to break the cycle but...I was alienated by the whole family! Then, my narcissistic dad focused on my eldest son who took on the same role as my dad. My son alienated me....there is now another generation of disfunctional behaviour 😭
Outstanding advice. My relationship with my Mom initially got much worse when I began standing up for myself. Now after 3 years of holding my ground our relationship hasn't ever been better!
That is SO GOOD to hear. Congrats and thanks for the encouraging report!
Keep your ground, this journey isn't about others not challenging it, but our ability to keep our ground (this can mean different things for different people and situations)
Not about what my family feels...it is about how I feel.
Thank you so much for your calm, realistic, and logical advice. It is so helpful to be reminded to focus on you. Can't change other people! But you can work on yourself.
Glad to see you again Jerry! You were so imstrumental in my journey of breaking free from my own family trauma. Thank you for that :)
You are so welcome
EXCELLENT, Jerry!! So much GOLD here...!! JW: 'Ignoring downsides is exactly part of the programming we need to let go of that we learn in dysfunctional upbringings. ... Managing downsides effectively is one of the fastest routes to maturity and self-differentiation.' All part of what you teach, Jerry (and included in your online program)... 'Living at 90 degrees.' Lifelong - and gets better and better...!!! Thank you, Jerry, ever so...!!! 🌹
I feel as though my scapegoat role is mutually exclusive to me when I feel healthy.
Very clarifying!!! Beware of downsides so they do not take you by surprise!!!🤔
Ignoring downsides is exactly part of the programming we need to let go of that we learn in dysfunctional upbringings. A lot of my work with clients and in my programs is helping clients see and accept the downsides. Managing downsides effectively is one of the fastest routes to maturity and self-differentiation
I lucky when l ran away from my violent ex because my mother snd sister all sided with him My kids were terrified of him so we all are very supportive of each other and believe in saying it as it is Most of the family turned against us but the memories of my ex kept us going
Jerry this video is 💯 spot on. When I read the title I was really intrigued, because I couldn’t imagine any downsides. Over the past year though I can say with certainty I experienced every one of those and at times it was really challenging and uncomfortable especially when it came from the pushback from my children.
One of the things people may not realize is that in a lot of emmeshed families there is a lot of love. It may be unhealthy and dysfunctional; but there is a very strong closeness. It’s the type of family that people on the outside dream of being a part of and until you awaken you think is amazing as well.
For anyone at the beginning of this journey I encourage you to watch this video a couple of times so you can prepare yourself. It’s not an easy journey, but it is 💯 worth it. The changes in my family have been amazing and I am so grateful for it all.💛
One piece of advice I would like to add from my own journey is that it is important to recognize and accept that this is your journey of awakening and awareness and although you want to keep peeling back the layers of the onion some people in your family may be ok staying in their bubble and don’t want to fully understand what they have been through. By recognizing, understanding and respecting that this is ok from the start it helps us to begin to understand and respect the importance of establishing and implement healthy boundaries internally and externally in the family system.💛
Jerry thank you for all you do💛 My family and I are much happier and healthier because of all of the tools I have learned from you.🙏💛 It’s truly amazing the power that one person in a family has to help break the cycle and change the dynamic of the family going forward for generations to come.💛💪🕊️
Jerry, as I pass through the early stages of my attempt to individuate after a lifetime of neglect and abuse (I'm 60 very soon) I'm scared because I know I don't have any back up at all. My family of origin was small (two older half-siblings) and the few older relatives are long dead. And to make matters more terrifying, I have no savings and no pension either. I understand now, for the first time in my life, why my own life has been allowed by me to evolve so parlously in these key areas (despite being highly educated to a much greater level than any of my family of origin) but it feels too late to do anything about it.. How can I safely individuate from a family who hold all aces when it comes to material support, in those kind of circumstances? I can't even afford to rent a flat in my own country anymore. I'm scared I could end up homeless while trying to reclaim my life. I don't want to give in to despair and lose this fight.
Jerry, you discuss the most important segments of this evil prism. I am very thankful for being able to learn from you.
I have always believed my children have the right to be friends with ehoever they like however they do know who they felt safe with snd eho had their best interests at heart
i have lost my son in the process, it s not just like he loved them too, he just choose them over me, so i put him in the end of cycle and i stay away from all. i think it was call sacrifice of first child, you know what i mean. my daughter of nine start to understand, i don t lie to her to minimize things, i try to not dramatized either, just said truth. she have right to love them, i said to her i love them too, but their act hurt. they ignored them too. they are just narcissic, they help me often but treat me poorly! so no thanks i don t need help, stay away and continued to ignored me! except now i ignore you too! i feel very better now
Hi, Jerry
I want to thank you for your e-mail. Your words, wisdom, and knowledge have been of great help to me in my healing journey. I have been watching your videos for two years now. With your help, I was able to free myself from an extremely narcissistic and dysfunctional family system. Last August, I developed severe C-PTSD symptoms and they got so intense that i have not been able to work since September of last year. It is a huge challenge for me to leave my house. As you can imagine, this has been devastating financially to my life and mental health. I did attempt therapy for it but my therapist was not very knowledgeable in family systems or C-PTSD and he actually encouraged me to try to stay in the system. I am wondering if you would know of tools and techniques to help manage this as i am feeling so lost. Your videos have been an invaluable source of comfort and hope for me. Thank you for being you!
-Erica.
So weird you should have posted this today - For the first time during my healing thang the last two years, I pondered if it might not be smart to just slink back behind the Dysfunction curtain where my family lives, and just forget this whole pursuit. I felt really sad for one of the first times, considering that I have had to let go of EVERYTHING and get less and less. I'm so alone. Is it worth it??
Is 'all alone' so much better than enmeshment in a weird-ass dynamic?? I come out saying yes, but....
I know your struggle. If it is worth it is always a personal decision and sometimes we are not ready to let go of crazy and face the loneliness of maturity and being our real selves. and that is ok, it is ok to not be ready. I do believe that working through this loneliness is important, necessary, and possible. Keep in there, it's very worth it when you find yourself on the other side. sending love
Thank u for following ur heart Jerry. I really appreciate ur hard work and dedication to family systems. I have gleaned so much just in the past few weeks learning from you. It has helped me to mature and see things more clearly in the midst of family enmeshment and how to steer myself with parenting in a healthier ways. Thank you again. 🙏🏼
You are so welcome, I'm grateful you find my work helpful
How to break the cycle of Inter-Generational, "Legacy" of severe NPD and Psychopathy in my family? No kids, thank you very much. The way that I see things, in being parentified as a small child, I have already, "raised", two very broken and evil little child-monsters. As much as I wanted to have my own kids, I'll be damned if I'm going to bring more bad genes into the mix. There most certainly is a genetic component to the mental-health, as least in my own familial-line. No point in playing Russian roulette with so many known, "Jokers" in the deck.
Missed you Jerry! Glad to see you’re well!
More to come!
The three-headed monster in my family is my maternal grandmother (who’s now deceased), my mom, and my twin sister. I wanted so badly to believe that I could not only break the generational dysfunctional cycle, but that I could unify the family and make us “normal”. This is where I got arrogant and overconfident. This line of thinking was always my biggest downfall and nearly cost me my own life.
Great to see you back jerry .
Your videos have helped me a lot 🎉
Awesome! I liked that i can stop being their baggage handler 😂 Great expression and so true 🙏🙏
Really helpful at my stage of this journey. Thank you😊
it has been awhile since i watched one of your videos and i miss it..
I miss you Jerry! Glad your back.
Welcome back!
Glad to be posting again
Good stuff. In my experience the topic of trade-offs isn't given its due press and respect out there. I wasn't able to fully consent to the process, but in retrospect I would have had I had the information anyway. It just would've been a lot smoother with extra preparedness. Thanks Jerry for lifting this topic and for everything else. To be continued... 😉✌
A lot of my work with clients and in my programs is helping them see and accept the downsides. Managing downsides effectively is one of the fastest routes to maturity and self-differentiation
It depends how many family members you have. If you have 2 there's not much option. But if you have 150 members you can pick and choose. I had 48 cousins and they produced over 150 offspring. So it all depends. Usually there will always be someone or even a few to choose if you are a nice and kind person.
Dziękujemy.
VERY well said and an important video for people planning a change. ❤
Glad you found the video helpful
Welcome back Jerry !!
Wonderful video .. thank you ..
Have missed you …
X
I like the passion of the message🧘
Glad it resonated
Very good, Jerry. Thank you!
What a great and essential video. Welcome back! Look forward to more of your vids!
Glad you enjoyed it!
I recall growing up a vegetarian for a long time (My mother's choice for the family - I suspect it down to the fact that she would not and could not cook) and in my 30s started eating meat. This baffled her as she couldn't understand why I would make a choice different to her.
Perhaps she did not like cruelty to animals?
I put some boundaries with my dad and my sisters, but i never explained why... should I tell them i want to heal the family ?
9. remember that we are spiritual beings. some beings will do and pay for anything to have complete dominance and control up to and including black magic. soooo your rebellion and disconnect may bring out the closet witches.
remember that spiritual being comment
well prepare for heavy spiritual warfare⚔⛓😮💨
resonate, much appreciated as always Jerry for your insights.
You are very welcome
@@jerrywise Jerry i was wondering if you could please do a video on the topic explaining when you mentioned in a previous video that when families deny doing emotion but in reality all they ever do is emotion! and please go in to detail regarding it. would greatly appreciate it.
Excellent. Thank you.❤
♥️🇧🇷
The downside? 🐰
Destruct mode is activated. They will hate you.
Yes❤❤❤And my Ex and4 kiddies sure Donot like me🤢
Hi Jerry! 🎉thank you for the amazing video! ❤