How To Build REAL Self-Confidence If You Were Raised By a Narcissist
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- čas přidán 7. 07. 2024
- Learn to build real self-confidence and overcome the lasting effects of childhood criticism and belittlement by a narcissistic parent.
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How To Become The Real You (Also In Dysfunctional Families)- • Playlist
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Daughter of Narcissistic family and this is my biggest struggle. Thank you for this, Jerry.
Ditto. Took me into my sixties to realise my Dad was a Narcissist. It’s cost me two marriages, my own happiness and mental health and now I face old age alone. If only I’d found out sooner.
@@susannefitzpatrick9955 You are not alone. 🧡
46 daughter of Narc father. Need to calm myself, regulate my emotions and build my confidence.
The way I am able to make sense of this is; they want us to accept their external validation of reality. Over our own truth and internal validation. It’s a case of making our needs a priority. Respecting ourselves. Letting go of their drama
This is so helpful because I am real sure of myself . . . until someone in a narcissist's support system freaks out over something minor that isn't even their business, and then I wind up wondering how I could have gone wrong. I have to learn - it's not my freakout.
What I gather from this lesson is this. People like us who have grown up in these families have to repeat over and over till it sinks in, "I don't care how you think or how you feel about me". About "Who I am". How You feel is your problem. Not mine.. The only One we need to remember as to the human being we are in this world, is our Creator. Our God. Oh how I would have loved to have heard this many many years ago. But better late than never. If someone feels uncomfortable about you, tell them to hit the road and don't let the door hit their ass on the way out. I am a good person who has the ability to care about people. And I recommend anyone dealing with these feelings to dig deep on their family's past. Boy oh boy. The dirt you just might find when you take a good long look. 😊
... 100% in agreement with every one of your words 💯 !!
``the situation with dad is hopeless but it´s not serious`` made my day, I love it!! thank you Jerry!
"I am a fan of you. How do I help you become more of a fan of yourself?" That's a powerful question and very helpful.
As a daughter of a narcissist father I never really accepted the fact that he was not going to change , when he passed away I felt so bad because i wanted he’s approval all my life. I later found out he was a narc.I’m healing and moving on with my life.
This kind of content should be mandatory education
Calm, loving, and rational logic is the best way to address the abusive delusions of a narcissist.
Observe instead of absorb ... Thankyou. I'm 55 and still a mess because of a narcissistic mother. It's so damaged me. I've only learnt about narcissistic abuse this year (2023). So I am on a journey of finding the true me.
Thank you so much for helping with these complicated issues! It seems as soon as I begin to be confident, I begin to panic about being overconfident. It's a constant battle.
I agree with all of this. I take exception to how simple it seems. There are so many pivotal moments in my life. The first and biggest was returning home after a visit to my mother's. By chance I was actually listening to my self talk. I was shocked by how negative my thoughts toward myself. I thought "Fred, you would never say those harsh things to someone else! You don't even think about others so harshly! Why do you deride yourself like that?
Listening to my inner dialogue was a real game changer. The work of Kristin Neff was a huge help.
WOWOWOWOWOWOWWOW
“ You’re not waiting on Jerry, a therapist, a pastor, a coach, or God, or others, or friends, or spouses, or partners. We’re waiting on us. The bad news is we’re waiting on us. The good news is that we can show up for us. You’ve been waiting on you. “
You are exactly correct. I will add self-compassion has been a major gateway for me to enter into self-worth and self-support.
Waiting on myself for a very long time.
“Observe not absorb.” Wow. Such a simple thought yet it covers a complicated system of feelings and reactions.
There are a lot of psychologically unwell people if this is used as the standard for human behavior. It's scary.
She hates me even more with my feeling selfconfidence and her abusive manipulative approach gets worsened.
17:12 I have chosen to see my parents as brother and sister of my uncles and aunts. It takes the pressure away.
Great point that people who express system opinions or feelings may not even really have those feelings or be in touch with reality
I had been married for 25 years when I first heard about NPD, and that book was the first one I read on the subject, about 8 years ago. I knew I was in deep, deep trouble when, halfway through the book, I looked back and realized I had highlighted roughly 90 percent of it. It was sobering, but I finally had an explanation for why I felt the way I did.
Finally making sense of being raised by addicted narcissists. Thank you Jerry.❤️
Another lecture that's as good as gold, as per usual. Thank you, Jerry.
I loved asking "what would Betty do?". I often ask "What would I do if an elderly neighbor treated me like my narc mother?". Fact is, I'd avoid them like the plague!
Dear jerry, i started my recovery from narcisstic abuse from both parents years ago but felt like i just stumbled around. The way you explain have touched my wounded heart so deeply and i want to send you gratitude for your eye opening videos. A big thank you🙏
My dad and even worse older sibling.. betrayal trauma in heaps
When Two narcissist come together to agree on not letting society know the truth. And it benefits both of them in the long run. Confidence is pushed away. These old ways were sustainable for that time period. Thank you this video was needed.
I’m not sure these dynamics are necessarily in their awareness. Thank you for watching I’m glad the video was helpful
10:47
If something is worth doing, it's worth doing poorly!
Jerry !!! 🌟 Sooooooo happy you quoted G.K. Chesterton ("if a thing is worth doing...") because he is one of my first "healing teachers", so to speak, ...when I didn't even know anything about narcissistic abuse... And yet I had been understanding for so many years that there were too many imbalances, dysregulations, abuses, cruelties, inhumanity in my life... And I began to be aware that there were also some healthy people in the world...
I’m an orphan from 3 mths old I’ve been abused mentally emotionally psychologically physically & sexually on a daily basis. I’ve been kept from attending school so I can be family’s babysitter & 24/7 servant. Deliberately starved unclothed etc from infancy to young adulthood. Suicidal my entire life with failed attempts. Don’t think there’s any hope for me, so I’m trying to endure until the end which cannot come soon enough.
I was also used as the family slave. I was kept out of school force to work At my family's restaurant. Then I was told to do all the cooking and the cleaning. Being the only girl in the family it was my supposed responsibility. I know how you feel isolated alone Unworthy. Just know these are what your abusers want you to feel.
@@Rue2love I’m so sorry hon i know how traumatized & deeply agonizing painful these abuse causes one their entire lives. It seems like the worst thing one can ever be is to be born a female in this world. Always remember yur abuse & trauma does not define U. UR so much more than what yur victimizers say UR. Be blessed & know that our Creator God loves U far more than anyone ever could. He proved it by sacrificing His one & only Perfect Holy Son so that we could know that we’re loved & mean a lot 2 Him & we’re so precious that He paid such a priceless price for us to know & receive His unconditional eternal love ❤️
What they have done is against the law. Go to the police and put a stop to it. They can find you a better home.
I get so excited when Jerry drops a new video because I love to read and I love the book recommendations as well as all the great informaiton about healing in each video. Thank you, Jerry!
Thank you Jerry, for all your help!
I only realized that I have a narcissistic mother about year ago at the age of 57 and I just grasp what negative impact that has on my life!
I've got a question and maybe someone can help me? In my last 30 years I couldn't establish good contacts to other people. I tried everything and I really try to treat people like I want to be treated. I have good intensions, I tried to be open, I showed interest, I was kind, listening and helpful, quiet, patient understanding or talkative. When we had a dog I never got asked to join with other dog owners. We had a lovely Golden Retriever. I watched groups forming but I was no part of it. I watch two of my neighbours chatting with everybody who passes their fence. When I pass their fence I just get a hello and only sometimes we would get into a smaller conversation, if I come up with a subject. I just wonder why they seem to treat me differently?
Yesterday I went for a walk and I got so furious at my mother who had always neglected me while she adored my other two siblings who are more similar to her side of the family. I felt abandoned as a child. I developed a sense of shame and self doubt. If I wanted to clarify things she belittled me, couldn't remember, I got gaslighted because things never happened how I remembered them or I was told I was too sensitive. It didn't escalate because all my life I tried so hard to please her and to figure out how to be acceptable. I lived in an illusion and I feel terribly exhausted.
Here is my question: What impression do other people get when they see me? Why does anybody get accepted even if they gossip about others or have all sorts of "deficits" that of course are normal and human but can be a bit exhausting?
What is it about me? What impression do other people get of me? If dogs resemble their owner then I would compare myself to a Golden Retriever, good natured and friendly?! I don't get it and I'm so so fed up!
I lose interest in this messed up world. Totally.
I guess I need counseling. I'm so heartbroken and exhausted.
P. S. So far I only watched your live video "the horrific impact of childhood neglect on adult relationships" which is shockingly true and I got so furious of my mother.
People who like gossiping don't get together to talk nice about others. Your neighbors probably stop others to show interest about them in order to get more information and keep gossiping, then go home to talk nasty about the ones who were gossiping with them about others. The world is overcrowded but most people feel isolated by their own fears and/or by the people surrounding them and individualism has a lot to do with it (and all governments want to divide and conquer).
I'm your age and a woman by herself: society hate women on their own. People believe that if you're by yourself that means you have nothing to offer which is untrue.
I had to leave my narcissistic family and moved away. After 2 years in my new address I have not met anyone worth to have any relationship with. Women have spoken to me just to have a ground to speak nasty (the ancestral rivalry among women that men love to reinforce) and no men get close to a woman to ask her about her opinions about global climate change.
It's not your fault; we live in a very narcissistic world.
Years ago I had a mistreated female mastif. I've met other dogs owners who talk to you because they get bored while walking their dogs but I didn't make real friends. Actually, most of them where busy bodies dying for a chunk of whatever information about others so they can twist it. Dogs owners are not better than other people.
Most people are profit oriented (what can I get from you) and not socially oriented ( what good can we share that benefit both).
I'm looking for an activity or group I can join in but where I live is tourism oriented and it feels like everyone share a common hatred to culture or arts.
I wish I could start a social group like a readers club but how? I'm disgusted that when I go out for a walk and I sit in a terrace bar to rest and enjoy a refreshment whoever old guy around just sits beside me without permission and they are white occidental (Brittish, Germans, North European countries) not Spanish (I live in Southern Spain).
For my part, I don't want to talk to anyone anymore: everyone is competing with everyone and I just hate games.
Take care. I send you my best wishes.
@@Lyrielonwind Thank you for your long answer and your best wishes, Cristina!
May I ask you how long you have been aware of the subject about narcissistic abuse? I'm in awe for your courage and I wish for you that you will find a good place to call your home and hopefully some good people around you! South of Spain sounds nice! I often spent holidays in Catalunya to learn the language as a hobby. I wouldn't want to lose the smaller cultures.
Yes, there is less and less of "what good can we share that benefit both". Spot on. I also hate games! Our world is upside down, feels like the end times!
There have always been cosmic forces that influence our c li ma te. To look after our environment is important, no question.
I wonder if people somehow can sense or "see" that my inner child got abandoned on my way? But why do I get so ignored? I'm not a criminal or something? Feels so strange?
@@dagmaranja888 I can relate as I have had the same experience. I listened and listened to YT videos. I read. I am in therapy. I am just now starting to "get it" and to become a healthier version of me.
When you intellectually and emotionally recognize that you were damaged as a child, you will be able to transfer all the energy you are putting into trying to make other people meet your needs into realizing you are the only one who can meet your needs. (I am having a hard time articulating that point in that last sentence.) It is quite easy to understand (intellectual component) what happens to a child in a toxic family. (If you haven't deeply studied attachment theory, etc., do so.) The hard work is in getting your emotional side to accept the truth. Once you integrate both sides of yourself, you will begin to feel a slight change. Other people will become less important.
Your primary caregivers were supposed to love you in such a way that you would be able to navigate life on your own. They were supposed to accept you as special and worthy for who you are, not what they thought you should be in order to meet their needs.
That doesn't mean you will not have connections to other people once you are an adult. It simply means you will be enough on your own. You will get your worth from yourself, not others. You are giving other people too much power.
You think something is wrong with you. That may be the only thing that is wrong with you in terms of how you see other people and relationships. No one is perfect. Find out who you are and what matters to you.
There is another factor to consider besides our childhoods. We are unique. You may have different interests than many of those around you. I am an INFJ which is one of the rarest personality types. My values, how I process life, etc. are so different from many of those around me. For example, I don't like small talk. I want to go deep, to explore ideas. This is not what some people want. I hunger for it. It doesn't make me bad, just different and incompatible with many others.
Life is hard. Give to yourself what you want by putting yourself first. Nobody else will. It isn't their job. It was your parents' job to put you first and to teach you how to put yourself first through their love for you. They failed you.
Please do not think I am telling you to stop wanting to connect to others. I am not telling you to abandon others, to be unkind to them. I am saying to stop needing them to make yourself whole. There is a difference between a need and a want. Once you realize you only need yourself to exist, you will find that you are in charge of fulfilling the wants. Wants are the extras. Needs are the foundation. Work on your foundation.
I hope you come to the place where you realize you are fine as you are so that the suffering will stop.
@@nancybartley4610 thank you so much for your answer, Nancy! It's very kind of you to share your experiences on this long journey of becoming a healthier version of oneself.
I know the four different types of the attachment theory and their consequences but I had to look up what is meant by INFJ. I didn't make a test but I can relate to the typical INFJ traits! Very interesting and very helpful. Every bit that helps you to find out who you are helps tremendously! I need alone time and I long to know and find the answers to the important questions but I also want to belong.
You wrote that if I make myself whole, I won't need others. I have no concept for that, maybe I can't grasp the idea of me being whole, it feels so isolated? Maybe it's because I don't know what it's like if connecting to others is no issue?
On the other hand if connecting to others means small talk it's not really a loss. The state of this world is too problematic.
I will look into that deeper and maybe I can find a place where I suffer less. Thank you Nancy, for the last sentence you wrote!
@@Lyrielonwind maybe you could set something up like a book club through Meetup. It’s an international set up to form groups of interest. Also it’s the same in other ways- finding people to share interests with but also the friends in it- might be best to think in terms of joining an activity group- sounds like you are in a solid ground in yourself.
This has been super helpful. Narc family scapegoat and then I married one. My escape from both has been like a bad Lifetime drama. I’m ready to rebuild, and I need all the instructions.
"It's hopeless but it isn't serious." OH MY LORD. I watch these videos although I would describe my parents more as emotionally immature than narcissistic, because the overlap is still helpful at times. This is absolutely golden as a perspective on them and their shenanigans. Thank you!
Absolutely amazing. I am going to listen to this several times!
this was very painful and difficult for me to hear but resonates. much appreciated as always Jerry for your insights.
This was VERY helpful. Exactly what ive needed to hear. If only the internet had been around 50 years ago, what a beautiful life i might have had - instead if the living hell at tge hands if if so many twisted, toxic, evil peoole.
Jerry, I am in awe again at the timing of this discussion - THANK YOU!!!! You are a true blessing... :)
May God bless you incredibly Jerry! This is the biggest struggle for me but I'm on the road to recovery! These videos that you do in the books that you recommend to have helped me immensely.❤
Wow you are hitting every situation that's been happening for 37 years of my life I have been triangulated been put on the stand the actual person my stepmom will have my dad yell at me regarding her feelings of what I supposedly have done to her and it's made up it goes on for months and I made to apologized over and over because it's never enough
11:42 So respecting yourself is an action?
That makes sense for me and simplifies things.
I feel my circumstances are certainly not the worst but are complex to solve. Maybe they aren’t and my mind complicates them because of complicated feelings and thoughts I am too scared to face.
I probably face system feelings that get in the way of actions.
Jerry, you are soo RIGHT!! HOW CAN I EXPECT OTHERS TO LIKE ME IF I DO NOT LIKE MYSELF? SO, BEFORE I CAN BE A FAN OF MYSELF I NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT MYSELF WITH ALL MY FLAWS AND TICS AND FEARS..., THEN LIKE MYSELF... - IN BABY STEPS... BUT IT IS A SUPER GREAT IDEA TO BECOME FAN OF MYSELF 🙂.
I got Fjelstad's book several years ago and hadn't read it. Chapter 4, the Self Defeater description, last sentence: "...but don't you really, in your heart, want to give up your life of being a doormat, a personal slave ,or a drudge for the benefit of others who don't really care about you?"
Thank you Jerry for another excellent video. My wife is your biggest fan!
Thank you from Germany to Jerry for this precious video. 🌻 Best wishes, Franziska 🙋🏼♀️
You’re very welcome Cori, thank you for watching
@@jerrywise Thank you 🙋🏼♀️
Thank you 🙏❤️
To all those who regularly watch Jerry's videos: Consider being a paid CZcams member. You can only chip in a few dollars a month if you are watching your budget, anyway. I think it's worth it to say thanks for being able to have access to such life giving excellent help and advice. Cheers!
You teach people to dance with the devil. They should forgive, move on and not trust them. God heals.
Thank you, Jerry for such a useful, practical, and clear information! It is very helpful to understand where dysfunction patters come from and how to overcome them into healthy paradigms.🤗🤗🤗🐾🐾🐾
This is a lot worse when your dealing with attempted murder fear all the time and your damaged in many areas in adult age and exploited to be sex traffickked through police, fire dept, and ambulance workers in Fort Lee NJ
Are emotionally immature people always narcissistic?
The "when" question...hmmmm Thankyou. I'm working at moving out of the rental house and moving into a caravan and traveling. I'm beginning a journey for "me". Away from narcissistic mother.
Wonderful, Jerry!
The only reason I had some confidence was from gymnastics and cheerleading. I went to pro level with that and then they demanded all my tickets when before I couldn't even get them to care about an audition for the most part. When it brought them image and fame then they cared. Also college gave me confidence because I was on my own and could and had to think for myself. Made many mistakes but I figured it out and people used to say how impressive I was. I had NO idea I was impressive till getting away from the dynamics of Him and that dysfunctional unit.
Great cohesion and flow- and you say it in just a certain way that really connects. Thank you, for sharing your experience and wisdom.
You are so welcome, thank you for watching and your feedback
Wow, thanks again for another great video. You get it. I was raised by narcissists and lots of weird secrecy and what I now know to call abuse (based on a succession of other, different kind of abuses and scapegoating: of the same , but different entities. So, I really appreciate the piece about going slowly, and trauma recovery.
Thank you for this video. I'm going to watch this several times and definitely take notes.
Glad it was helpful!
I do this too!
Thank you Jerry. Another MASTERPIECE from you! ☘️💚🍀You are a blessing 🙏🏼
I’m so thankful for your work Jerry! Thank you!
May God bless you for your efforts!
Thank you Jerry. Very helpful
Thank you!
Awesome! Thank you!
Love you Jerry! Thanks for the encouragement
Thanks jerry
Dziękujemy.
This is an amazing video.
Pure Gold. Thank you so much!
This spoke to me today - I am so glad I watched it!!!Thx Jerry!!
Words i needed to hear. Thank you.
Jerry’s channel is a god-send. Ty for all your generosity Jerry ❤🙏🏾✨
Informative and useful..
Thank you❤
This is go good. Thank you for your work
All of this is so, so good. Thank you so much.
This was one of the most timely for me. Love your stuff Jerry. Approves and permits it. BAM! so good.
Love your work, thank you so much!!!❤
You are so welcome!
Very helpful video, I do need to show up for me find out my preferences, and learn to respect myself. Thank you, I'll work on the suggestions here.💓
You are doing amazing work, I can't thank you enough for this.
You're very welcome!
That is really helpful, Jerry. I spent so much time explaining that what they were saying was delusional, irrational etc. I am getting better at just shrugging it off, and thanks to your 'Oh, they are just calling me a Coca Cola' analogy, I can even try and smile at their behaviour.
Absolutely amazing that you come from a marriage counselling background. I had always branded these people 'Don't even go near them' up to now. That's because I was brought up in a fundamental Christian (Roman Catholic) and right wing environment, where divorce is 'evil', even though men (and women) have affairs, and sometimes visit swingers' clubs, BDSM clubs etc. The role of the 'therapists' (90% of their clients are women) are to prevent women from 'going Nora Helmer' (A Doll's House) or even worse, 'going Andrea Dworkin' (she was in an abusive marriage), and of course to prevent victims of child sexual abuse (incest, but also Roman Catholic priests, teachers, sport coaches, older kids at private Roman Catholic schools etc.) from seeking justice. They use the threat of a mental health diagnosis, guilt trip women if children are involved (or in the case of incest, use the argument that their mother, grandfather, whatever, has seen their health deteriorate in the last couple of years and this would be the final nail in their coffin etc.)
As you put it so well, if we don't matter to other people, especially to the people who were supposed to raise us, we don't matter to ourselves either, we become experts at denying or ignoring how we feel (including physical pain when beaten up or raped, or just going through too much 'punishment' in the boy scouts or at rugby practice) and we don't even know what we want, i.e. we have no tastes or preferences, or don't dare express them. I wasn't allowed to choose my clothes (I made most of them myself anyway) and one parent at my Roman Catholic school told me, in front of the other kids in my class (she was some kind of PR/marketing person and had volunteered to help to fundraise for some orphanage in India or something, i.e. she was supposed to help us find ways to make money, like selling home made cakes and such) 'The way you dress, it is obvious you have no personality'. I was 11, I couldn't go to the shops, we lived in a village so it would have been a bit difficult to walk to the nearest town without someone stopping me, I wasn't allowed out of the house anyway, and I didn't have any pocket money... and even if I had somehow managed to get a pair of jeans like the other kids, my mother would have confiscated it. Finding who I am required me to move away, which was not possible until I was 18, and then the priority was to find work and housing, which wasn't easy due to my young age and the high unemployment. It's amazing how nasty parents can be to other people's kids.
I truly hope most therapists are not as twisted as you describe. But sadly I think some are. What you wrote reminds me of the blame of the victim and excusing of parents that Alice Miller smartly pinpointed exists and mosly existed (hopefully past tense more) in our society.
Thank you so very much, sir! It helps me immensely to watch your videos and put everything you say on the work. ❤
You are very welcome
Hi Mr Jerry
When I accept some of this parts of me it contracts me . I prefer to use I allow this parts of me that are unpredictable fearless limitless
Oh my
😮
How was the question ignored. When is a moot point if we don't know how, Jerry.
I tried to stand in my truth. They told me they didn't know why I am so bad. They said I was sweet when I was a toddler, when 🎶 I was sixty-four. Must have been a rough sixty some years for those poor narcs. 🤔
This video is of immense help, Thanks Jerry❤❤😊😊
You're so welcome!🥰
What can we do differently?? Too many negative people around every where . 😮😢
Wow - this is fantastic! I love how much of your content is so much about character building. Gives me a lot ot think about and practice. Really great information.
I'm so glad!🤗
Nice content thanks 🎉but why so many ads 😢
It makes a big difference meeting happy and friendly people throughout your day. Can really boost your morale. And of course making a “ good” and true friend.
But, I do agree it’s not in all your accomplishments although that may help a bit from time to time but, doesn’t offer permanence. So just feeling good about yourself or expectations in the present time, without outcome, can really really keep you centered and neutral maybe even pleasantly happy.
You are a pure gem, Jerry. Learning to value oneself is the greatest skill humans need to master. Thanks for reflecting the core human values in a very delicate and systematic way.
I like that. I hear you're calling me a Coka-Cola
LOL, but it is true, not just cute. They are calling you something irrational almost always.
Ignore an stay present don’t even react an watch them crumble , painful🙏 and will hav to watch your false self want to react emotionally stay present an stay in the body then leave u no the truth
I find it difficult to read your comment without punctuation. Thanks.
Where. Can seniors find mentors to heal? Show up for myself?? Supporters?
A mature sponsor ?? Where r they to be found??? Can u enlighten this 66 year old woman ??
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I felt good when striving to fo a perfectly good job. Perfectionist mindset. Not good ??? Puzzling?
What do you do when the entire family then discards YOU because they believe it is your fault
That's great......Coca cola 😅
What if my grasp of reality is just as shitty as theirs? Then how do I make decisions? How do I know who's right or wrong?
Healing borderline from narc parents. Yes, most of us have self entitled victimhood, but I would not say that we're in exact category as narcs. Just saying. Not that we do not create havoc in lives around us but at least we're prone to accepting therapy.
WWJD...... What Would Jerry Do?
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