How do you know it is the FINAL narcissistic DISCARD?
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I think the person being discarded is the one who gets the real final discard, by never letting the narcissist back in. It’s really up to you, to recognize what you’re dealing with and be done for good.
Absolutely.
Amen. It took my ex demanding to know the details of my SA then later for mocking me for the fact I was SAed for me to understand how little he cared about me.
Love this
@@Sparcyyy727 true in cases where you do not have grandchildren you are asked to discard! I refuse to make the young ones pay a price for their parents’ idiocy and illness. When they are old enough to understand, that is up to the grandkids.
FACTS😳🤣
Once you recognize a narc, you can’t unsee it
Nope. And they are everywhere.
True!
Except for covert
@@lindltailor How does that one operate?
@@lindltailor covert takes much much longer to identify (i think that's what you mean), but once you know it you can't unsee it too.
Narcissists pretent to love you, until they don't need you anymore.
The Narc can’t “loveâ€.
Their love is like a toaster.
I don’t even think they pretend. They just don’t.
@@elcee7800 “They just don’t.â€
#GreatQuote
Yeah, let my whole life get pushed into the ground. Now homeless and without money, my business is almost in ruins, and my relationships have been affected. I'm responsible for my life, but damn....that was some shit.
The silent treatment is temporary discard. They always come back only to discard you again.
Yes, they ‘hoover’ you back in and give you the silent treatment again.
And when they find you are not desperately clamouring after them they start the Hoover and will do disgusting things like use their kids to try to get to you
They use the temporary discard to punish you sometimes, and there are times when you don't even know why.
IVE HAD ENUF😳😳😳😳🤣🤣
KEEP MOVING ✌ðŸ¿
The silent treatment is a form of punishment and manipulation. Not at all a discard. A discard usually does not have closure and that's what gives them the hoover opportunity at a later time. If you haven't figured out what they are they usually hoover you back at least once but if you understand what true NPD is you will NEVER allow them back into your life.
A narcissistic relationship is like a form of "Stockholm syndrome."
Totally
The narcissist didn’t discard me, I discarded him. I blocked everything associated with him. He tried to call me two years ago and that’s when I added his number to my blocked numbers. Once I cut off everything and everyone associated with him my emotional attachment faded away. Now I feel absolutely nothing for him, it’s a great feeling
Great to hear you blocked them out.
That's what it takes - you have to cut off all points of contact, and also, move at least twice after that, change jobs, etc. But first thing to do is cut off all points of contact.
But not ​so easy if it's your mother.
â¤â¤â¤â¤â¤ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³ðŸ¥³
Great for you!!! Congratulations! You have a big win! It takes a lot of work and maturity to realize that and have the cahoonas to walk away!
The victim of a narcissist has the power over the final discard, they just don't always know it. We must educate ourselves.
3 days into this. Still living together. Yesterday i laughed for the first time in so long, just a couple of days and I feel lighter. It takes so much to realise we as the victims have the power to end it all. It just takes an amount of strength we didn't know we had.
@@tdg6372 Good for you! 🙂
TY â¤
The final is always up to the survivor. They always come back. Always.
I've been lucky 😂 some narcs feel they are above and don't come back. I'm grateful
I agree. When you become indifferent to it and find it amusing that they make contact again you’re home free.
Not always, but thats a great thing.
Not really. Some realise that they can't fool you any longer and run away to avoid acciuntability, too cowardly to face you and the evidence you have against them
Mine was trying to do it in the form of continued harrassment from a distance.
The discard is when you attain indifference
Aah, the coin
long way to no end
Repeat after me: "meh."
Repeat after me: "Meh."
@@HisWordisLife4U That’s it.
YOU'LL know when the final discard is, when you decide to get off and stay off the rollercoaster ride and go no contact and stay completely away from them.
Exactly. Thank you!
@@justrosy5 your welcome
The final discard happens after you finally pull your head out of your ass and realize, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, that the wizard is a fraud, and has nothing for her.
Perfect😂â¤
I finally pulled my head out of my ass
My head was in my ass longer than it should be 😂😂🤣🤣 no moreðŸ˜ðŸ˜†
My ass is pretty deep apparently
"There nothing in that black bag for me" she says. Like that. The best movie ever made about human dysfunction! Why does my mind come to that film so often. Why did he pretend to be Dorothy, like making fun of her, when really he is/was behind the curtain.
You decide when it’s the final the discard. They will come back forever if you let them.
She has no idea how much her videos have helped us and saved us in many ways
💯💖
She was introduced to me by a childhood friend the 1st month I filed for divorce. I lay in bed watching her EVERY night. Dr Ramani literally saved my Life, no jokingðŸ™ðŸ½â¤ï¸â€ðŸ©¹ THANK YOU SO MUCH💥🩷
I knew it was the final discard when I said, "I'm done." Period. No more allowing them back in.
Dr Ramani saved my life. Thank you
ðŸ‘ðŸ‘ðŸ‘ðŸ‘ðŸ‘
Same!!!!
@dermaspaceSC isn't it a wonderful feeling to know it's not you and have a beautiful, intelligent, humorous Dr support and counsel you through it?
I watched "Girl, Interrupted" which made me CZcams Borderline Personality Disorder. That's how I found Ramani. Then I moved onto the types of Narcissistic Personality and my eyes were opened. The last 5 years of mental health recovery started with her.
@christinaburkemper3105 interesting you brought up BPD cause I have QuietBPD so I turn all the anger towards me, id rather hurt myself than other, I hate to see ppl suffering, I hate lying and manipulation and then I got stuck with a covert Narc that made my life hell on earth and everyday I'd bat myself up and wanted to commit suicide, ive ended up in the ICU of the Mental hospital just because of the gaslighting and all the games my ex played with my head.. my ex is a witch..im so sorry you also had to go though this cause it's terrible
They find a new supply, be thankful, not sad and regretful. They will treat the new supply as bad if not worse than they did you.
I hope you are right. I am worried that they treat them nice.
@@milenalilly wont sugar coat it, but in the beginning they most likely will. However, only for a bit. And then theyll treat them like garbage. And the cycle continues onto another person
@@milenalilly Narcissists are lonely people at the end of the day
@@notayoutuber09An acquaintance told me the other day. that my ex‘s previous partner has been treated like shit from him, too. My acquaintance also ended his year long friendship with my ex as he has been mistreated as well and he doesn’t want to be friends with someone who disrespects and abuses women. I guess, I know all the answers to let go. Slowly my brain also understands that he won’t change and the rare „good times“ were not real. I hope his new supply will find out before the trauma bonding to him. She is the perfect „victim“. Totally reliant on him. He met her on his last trip to South America and he took her back to Europe to stay with him. She doesn’t have a job…..well, it shouldn’t be my problem but it still is in my head.
Mine ended it in March after going on a trip he hid from me with his “cousins†… ignored me the entire time. Came back and said we were “incompatible†I knew then he was with another woman and I got my confirmation last week. I begged him for two years to travel with me and this is how it ended…….feel so betrayed. They’ve since gone public on social media smh……he hovered up until last week. Now that I know the truth I’m sure he won’t be back. I hate that I’m scared she won’t get the same treatment I did.
I think you have to be the one to end it. They’ll keep using and abusing you as long as you allow it.
Expect nothing but be prepared for everything.
It's when you end it. Until I figured this out I thought it was in their hands. It ends when you end it. When you don't give them the reaction they're waiting for.
You are absolutely just right
The biggest part of getting rid of a narc is to not let them know you know who they are. Its ok if they think you are stupid. People don't need to know how much you know.
Narcs are addictions. If you had booze issues, for instance, you are forbidden to have even a slip of alcohol for the rest of your life, because that would transport you back to ground zero. The same with narcs: just one "tiny bit" of contact, a message that you respond to, a short phone conversation, an e-mail exchange transports you back to ground zero as regards to healing. At least that's the way I look at it. Total, non-negotiable, unbreakable no contact for a lifetime. That's the only thing that really works.
Some people don't get that luxury, often because of custody or financial related issues.
@@justrosy5 Yeah, sadly you're right. Then comes the grey rock.
@@judithargitay9860 Man I have to do grey rock with my ex all the time.
I quit my sister and my booze issue. Now she's telling everyone I'm a boozing liar.😢
The narky is the one addicted. Addicted to you as a Supply.
The final discard was my filing for divorce and getting out of the toxic home. I warned her for years. She didn't change, she got worse. She didn't believe me, she refused to listen to my concerns. Now her world is falling apart and I am free and HAPPY. I just love going to my apartment after work every day. The peace. She can't blame her life on me any more. I forgot what peace was. It's heavenly!
Same story for me. I dropped weight & years....💯☮ï¸â¤ï¸â€ðŸ©¹ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
It’s just my intuition but I expect mine to stay away forever.
Its a difficult process when Sadly the NARC is someone you loved ,invested in..only to realize no matter how much WE change ourselves; they resist seeing their Pride,Ego, over criticism, being trivial, manipulative tatics, Gaslighting,constant verbal criticism and verbal attacks of emotional blackmail ;playing the victim constantly..its SOO much to digest and process.
The NARC refuses to take responsibility, its ALWAYS everyone else and the NARC has a twisted view of themselves acting like they are the victim, and the NARC literally believes their a saint or angel.
That's why Narkys always insist that you invest in them quickly, without question.
So you'll be too invested in them to run, before they turn on you.
@@lindac6919 You're reply Hits DEEP !
For me it was when they told me how much they have hated me since we were kids, and then proceeded to tell me all of my wrong doings since my birth, and how their whole family jokes about me behind my back. You can never come back from that.
Truly sad people..
Very similar to the situation with my narc. At some point in time, you're just... Done.
Yep, you got to believe them the first time!
That's horrible.
Yes, very horrible and I hurts😢 They sure love to point out other people's flaws, weaknesses, and mistakes but they sit and joke about theirs like it's normal and acceptable. If we slip up and make a mistake or react negatively, it gets addressed in the same vain as a mass murder taking place.
*If you feel you have to ‘walk on eggshells’ to be safe or if you dread the approach of the individual turn around and leave and keep going. They never get better. They only get worse. For you of dating age, check your prospects out, do a search on them. Don’t fall for their bamboozle. Anybody who tries to conceal who they really are is hiding something and it is likely so bad that you do not want to know about it, or them. ⤠to the decent. ☺ï¸
dreading approach is the real indicator of a problem sadly.
Toward the end of a 20 year friendship with an overt malignant grandiose narcissist, I was definitely devalued, lied to, and yelled at about things she accused me of that she actually did. The 'kicker' was when I saw what she was doing to her husband behind his back. Not cheating, but with glee purposefully trying to aggravate him, which it did. I wrote a short letter, without accusations, on plain white paper, saying it was over. I blocked her on all social media, phone, and email. Haven't heard a word from her. So much happier now-SO MUCH.
I'm the one who chose when the final discard was. It was when I went no contact.
I can remember how shocked and offended the narcissist was when I reacted with cold indifference when they wanted to cut me off. Only one tried to reconnect with me through a third party. Most left as if nothing happened. It hurt for a bit but it was for the best.
Some relationships are worth ending. Narcissistic ones are one of them. Let them go and lock them out.
Right on!
I think that the final discard comes from the target , when we are done and unhooverable then the relationship is done. It’s over when we finish it.
the final discard should come from the victim!
A guy I dated years ago got married & years after being married he started calling me asking me to go places with him. I let him know I wasn't interested in him. I thank GOD for making me realize he wasn't who I wanted. He was nowhere near my type. His wife did me an awesome favor by marrying him & taking him off my shoulder. I should send her flowers 🌹🌹 with a thank u card!!!
They always have someone else waiting in the wings. Like grabbing a monkey bar before swinging to another one--they are never without supply. Don't forget to say: "Don't let the door hit ya on the way out" when they finally leave and have some lawn chairs party hats and drinks with umbrellas in them lining the lawn when they move their stuff out into the moving van. It is a reason to celebrate really. Then as they leave raise your glasses for a toast to better days.
would like to add something.
Whether my ex is a narc or not,
the education on this subject has been nothing short of eye-opening and amazing.
Yes, there are all the traits and behaviours, which lead me to believe she is, but it's still wrong to diagnose.
But it's more than that for me.
It's given me back my self worth. It's made me realise that it was still on me. I allowed it to happen because I dismissed those red flags. Having anxious attachment, I never knew about healthy boundaries. I came out of a 14 year relationship 7 years ago and stepped into a world I knew nothing about. I've had 3 relationships since then and they've all gone down the same route. Being the common denominator, the buck has to stop with me.
The repeat only stops if you see the lessons and do something about it. Yes these people are wicked to the core
But ultimately they only do what we allow them. We can blame them till the cows come home but we have a responsibility to ourselves first and foremost.
Let's get the work done, guys, we deserve it.
Happy healing 💙
It’s definitely what we allow….
He found a replacement
My narc mother disowned me 3 times. The first 2x's I didn't believe she meant it. There's this "pretending" it never happened and because she's the "mother" I thought I was wrong and returned. After the 2nd time I "forgave" her and told myself if she does it again I will accept. She disowned me the 3rd time and I said "I accept!" It was so freeing. Since then she's used my siblings to tell me I misunderstood and she didn't mean it. But I know, and she knows, there was no misunderstanding. Now I think of her as an entity. Not human. And this helps me hold my position. Good luck everyone.
That's exactly how I think of my mother, "an entity", and an evil one at that!
Definitely not the type of mother anyone would want; so jealous, smearing and sad.
You are always in control of your points of contact. Sounds like your siblings are "flying monkeys." Unless you actually need something from them, I would say that you could tell them, "Until you're happy to stop passing messages to me from our mother, I can't communicate with you anymore" and then just stop responding to them when they try to contact you. You don't owe them a thing just because you all once shared a couple of ovaries.
Mom is the one who misunderstood. She didn't take you as seriously as you took her.
Loser Mom. You seem like a good person to know.
@@lindac6919 Thank you so much. You're right. My perception of the relationship was clearly all in my imagination. And thank you for your kind words. Peace
After 4 months, my narc realized the guy she left me for was actually using her to hopefully get married and gain his citizenship. He had brainwashed her to the point she was scared of me and even kept trying to convince her to get a restraining order against me even tho there was no reason for one.
I had known this but she was so caught up she didn't notice.
He also kept trying to get her to move across country without her kids.
We r still not starting over, but she is bak home thankfully. I am going on with my life and seemingly her as well.
She keeps tryig to hoover, but after all these years i know how to finally set boundaries.
Ill be moving out after my surgery in july thankfully, but ill keep u guys updated.
So wish me luck!!
I think the final discard, in my case, came when he finally started telling others that we were separating. He had told me several times over the years that we were “doneâ€, but nothing ever happened or changed. I regret not following through on my plans to leave years ago.
I feel this. My ex threatened me with divorce multiple times over the last few years of our "marriage" while I begged for marriage counseling. I wish, in hindsight, I had saved myself tremendous heartache by leaving the first time he threatened me.
I just texted and said to him he is longer part of my life, I enjoy being by , myself, I have time to think, not around him, I have a peace of my mind when he's not around. and I like to keep my peace and quiet to myself, instead of him coming around and shuffling things up all the time and making a mess of everything/. so I rather be alone and not around the shenanigans.
For me, with the narcissists I’ve known, the discard was almost immediately reciprocal and permanent. No hoover - because I wasn’t interested, even if I thought it might save their life (my mother). When she called me once, saying that my sister was angry with her, I took the advice I think I heard from Little Shaman, I didn’t get involved, didn’t show up at her house to do anything about it. I simply asked her if she wanted me to call 911 for her, to which she replied no. I’d understood and was clear on the fact that she’d discarded me so, I locked the door behind me. After a whole lifetime of being her biggest cheerleader, then being treated like something she wanted to stomp out of existence, I wasn’t confused or wavering. She made her choice, that was up to her, and I made mine. That she was trying to beat me over the head or control me, with lesser, probably abusive supply, was not my problem.
'Stomp out of existance' sums it up so well
@@jt5792 when I left, my mother was no longer in existence for me. As I’ve described it before, a couple of the things she said to me, were like a door slamming shut, on its own, between 2 people, in a horror movie. Most would say I abandoned her. But, betrayal, is also abandonment. I wasn’t about to attempt to force someone in my life, that clearly wanted the very worse to happen to me. She might’ve later found that to be a deadly mistake for her. But, I was already long gone, emotionally.
They will experience the same results with others, no one really wants to be a slave. And, they will be back. They also have some experience with triangulating people against each other, and will do whatever they can to keep their previous romantic relationships, to use them against their current, or new ones. Maybe someday I'll meet someone, who doesn't dream that their life isn't some fictional reality show, with a harem fighting over them. But, I won't hold my breath. The finality of the break-up depends on the survivor of the abuse, staying away from the conflict, and not providing supply.
He ‘final’ discarded me X times during our 12 year relationship…every time he gave the silent treatment…until I discarded him 4 months ago 😌
Same during my 12 year one. It's only when you look back and you think to yourself whyyy did we do it to ourselves😂
I thought it was. He dumped me and I walked away. This was in 2011. He then harassed me forever afterwards and for the most part I ignored it all. It makes no sense, he was the one that wanted out and had somebody else and I gave it to him. I had to block him on everything, not go to things because he would show up. He even followed me into an aisle at the store in 2018 and tried to talk to me. I said yep to him twice. I shouldn't have said anything but was so shocked I answered his questions. That was the last time I saw him. But he did make a comment on the next door page that I was on a couple years later so I left that page and that was the last I heard anything. Finally!!
When he said he wanted out, you didn’t give him the reaction he wanted… So he was desperately trying to hoover you - good for you for having the strength to not go there
Should be a book called "How to discard a narcissist 😅
I just wanted to drop a note of thanks to you and the other psychologists who are finally talking about narcissism. I am 71 and I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. I, of course, did not know it then. I thought I was the crazy one and I sought help but there was none. Alcohol and being a work alcoholic became my coping mechanisms until I was 32. At that point it all came down. Just to give you the context. I was a functioning alcoholic, respected on my job. When I told them I needed help, they could not do enough for me Within 2 days of telling my boss, I was in a treatment center. I told my mother the night before. She said, don't go there, come home and I will help you. ( I lived in CT, my mother was in NJ). I said no. A few months after I got sober my mother told me how embarrassing it is was for HER for me to go into a treatment center. I said I live in CT, you the live in NJ. Nobody even had to know. Apparently she told everyone (neighbors and relatives). Her response? "Of course I did." I didn't bother to try and find out her logic there.
They will lovebomb you to begin with. Nice gifts. Nice dates. Charming. Funny. Affectionate. Compliments. They will tell you that they have strong feelings early on. All of this is fake!! Done to lure you in. They cant love anything or anyone (appart from themselves). I felt there was something off at the start. My gut was screaming at me to leave but i didnt listen. You will see the red flags. But choose to ignore them. When everything goes there way everything is good. But if they’ve had a stressful day at work or something happens to p*** them off they will be moody and misserable. They will play hot and cold. One day they are lovely other days they are cold and distant so you never know where you stand with them. Leaving you feeling confused, hurt and not good enough. Dont ever pull them up on their bad behaviour. If you do they will end the “relationshipâ€. They manipulate and gaslight you into taking their bad behaviour and disrespect. How dare you stand up for yourself! You should bow down to them and be a door mat because they are the best thing since sliced bread and you should be greatful that they chose you! They will blame everything that goes wrong in the relationship on you. They are never to blame. They will never appologize. They will manipulate you into thinking its your fault and you will end up appologizing for your reaction to their bad behaviour. Everything will always be on their terms! You will do whatever they want to do when they want to do it. If its not something they enjoy doing they will not do it. And on the off chance that they will they will be misserable the whole time. They will see you when it suits them. They will never plan things in advance or make future plans. They will never fully commit. If your going through a hard time in life they will never be there to support you. They will avoid everything that involves emotional connection. Dont ever cry in front of them because they will think that your crazy for having feelings. They cant even give to a hug if you were to cry in front of them, they will just look at you blankly. They have no empathy what so ever. They are very selfish and only care about their own needs. Your needs mean nothing to them. They are dead on the inside. No feelings. No emotions. Just an empty soul. They are addicts. They drink too much. They gamble too much. They are stuck in their ways. They will never change. They will lie. They will cheat (mine had been a serial cheater in past relationships and i though that he wouldnt be the same with me. I have no proof that he cheated but from his past its very likely). They will use you. All of this will have a negative effect on your mental health. You will loose so much of yourself with a narcissist. They will drain the life out of you. Save yourself. Love yourself. Leave these toxic human beings. Moreover, I could've gotten hurt from the impact of been cheated on. I'm glad that i got to know ASAP, through METASPYHUB@GMAIL. COM and I appreciate the content you put out for us .
Scam at the end
😂​@@brandonhealy7158
🎯Right? Utter BS. People who post crap like that (scammers) have no morals OR empathy or respect for people who are recovering from being in relationships with highly narcissistic individuals.
WOW.....EVERY SINGLE WORD & Sentence you are 🎯...it's so 💯 accurate, it's scary. How can it be??? WHERE & WHAT do these "people" come from??? 1st time I 💯 don't feel alone Or Question myself, it was REAL..Thank you!â¤ï¸â€ðŸ©¹ They are ðŸº's in 👠Skin.....ðŸðŸ˜ˆ's ðŸ™ðŸ½â¤ï¸â€ðŸ©¹
The final discard for me was when I realised and accepted that I couldn't cope with the cycles of Narcissism any longer - I was quite done! So I prepared my exit strategy and at the next devaluation/discard, walked away, kept any remaining communication minimal/practical/indifferent and went no-contact when the final issues were resolved adequately. Several hoover attempts followed but I held to my resolve. It was only some considerable later that I actually fully realised it was narcissism I was dealing with.
After 25 years with a covert narcissist; he discarded me. We have 3 kids together one is 22, the other is 16 and 10. The 22 year old woke up to the abuse and stood up to him and helped me realize what this behavior is (narcissism). He discarded me as he saw that our oldest son would not let him have the control he was used to. Destroyed my life by telling everyone around us (including our kids) that HE had realized that I was a manipulator and that I had cheated on him. This was HIS reason for leaving me. Thank God, my kids had witnessed enough abuse to not believe this, but of course, all his family did and I’m very isolated. My kids are with me and know that he lied about everything. That is what has kept me strong, but the damage he did; I don’t know how I’ve survived. Narcissistic behavior can really destroy human lives. 😢
I am 23 I shout at my narc father for abusing my mum I love my mama xx stay strong you got this xx
@@brandonhealy7158 thank you!
My malignant narcissistic ex wife cheated on me with her boss, also giving her boss $1000s for Heroin, supposedly for her bosses gf, but I think they all 3 partook. I got the final discard when I filed for divorce, 1 attempt at a hoover, but I ignored it. Then a malignant narcissistic divorce ensued. Then later I had to sue her for what was 7 in contempt of court.
She knew that I knew so much about her and the fact she wouldn't pay our bills, including mortgage, was a drug addict, alcoholic, and fraudulently stole my entire retirement from me (a disabled person), she won't come close to me ever again.
The shame is so great, I've seen the back of her forever.
God is good everyday!
For me it was death. â¤and sadly I'm relived
My narcissist tried hoovering and showing off their wealth , once he realised that I saw thru him . I asked him to fuck off, never looked back after 4 years finally I could breathe an air of freedom !
These videos have definitely help me. I am currently going through the "discard" phase.. however it is me doing the discard.. I am 44 years old and have 2 children with my wife but over the years it has become more and more obvious I am living with someone who has narcissistic traits (I don't think she has NPD but could be wrong)
She would talk to me like s**t.. demean me, talk down to me, stonewall me, cut me off when I am trying to talk and express how i feel.. Say things like "What do you want me to say?" "I don't know what you expect me to do"
I felt lost but now I am finding somewhere else to live she has started the hoovering phase "I don't want you to move out, I am sorry, I love you and want us to be together" It has been so hard dealing with this but I have put my foot down and told her that I am moving out.. I have talked to the children and explained what is going on, she really didn't like that.
However as I am still living in the family home (i'm on the sofa and staying out of her way) it's getting harder each day ... I appreciate all the help these videos and others have provided.. my self esteem has been so low over the years that I want it back.. I deserve to be happy as everyone else does.. I am taking back my lifeâ¤
I was successful in getting my ex to stop trying to Hoover me by telling him that I go to church now .
Knew that would work!!
Ooh, I like that! I should start claiming I'm a Jehovah's Witness or something, lol!!! Maybe I'll make up a religion that sounds "plausibly crazy" or something 😆
@@justrosy5 do it, it works. Lol
Good device!
@@justrosy5 I'll try this on the narc dad I'm trying to greyrock over F's Day, as he was the main person dismissing everyone else (women and non-alpha son) in the religist extremist way I was raised.
Lol😂â¤
Thank you Dr Ramani, this is so😮 true. Once they discard is a perfect opportunity to take control over your own life. They will always try to come back but that is in your power to block access.
You should sell t shirts that say “Become Un-Hooverableâ€
Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother I grew up this way. I've felt pretty successful in the last three months having no contact with my ex. But my brother reached out for my birthday and I excepted his invite to meet up with him at his church. I love my brother. I will do my best to be supportive of him while keeping to the boundaries I have for myself. I feel very strong right now. It truly was a good one hour with him. âœï¸ðŸ™
I caved and reached out to a possible narcissistic friend I hadn’t heard from in a while. The interaction was blah and made me feel sad. I regret reaching out. Realizing he’s not a good friend to me, I give way more. I want to discard him now! Focusing on my life and being unhooverable. 💪🼠Thank you Dr Ramani â¤
Yeah, I made that mistake a long time ago. I'd dated this guy when I was 16 and he was 15, for a couple of months, then he just... Stopped talking to me after Spring Break was over. I never did get a straight answer from him over why he did that, but anyway, he did, so I went to him and formally broke up with him - right in front of all his buddies, whose jaws hit the floor. Well, something like 18 or 20 years later, I got to missing his old sense of humor and thought, "I wonder if he's online?"
Found him on MySpace, requested his friendship, and for a couple of years, off and on, we chit chatted to catch up. That was "ok" but honestly, his sense of humor was gone, his whole perspective on life was so dark and twisted. He tried to get me to move to his state from mine, when I would never want to live there, so I made up some BS excuse not to, and that was the last we ever talked on the phone (thankfully).
Well, one day, he posted this thing, all upset because he (a POC, but not black) had called a black man the N-word, and all the sudden, everyone just started trashing on him for it. Anyway, he couldn't understand what the problem was, since he's not white. He was raised in Canada, not here in the US (until he came here at age 15), and really just had no clue in the world about the history of that word, about black people owning it, and all that. I tried to explain it to him, but he got all mad at me for "defending" his "attackers."
A couple days later, Sandra Bland was killed by police, and I posted a thing about how being black isn't a choice, but being blue is - so he argued with me about that, then de-friended/blocked me. He'd gone to a police academy for a couple years before busting his knee and being unable to continue in that line of work, and somehow, that was all the excuse he needed to just be completely racist against black people or something. I don't know, but it's like that police academy gave him a lobotomy or something. When he was still a teen, he was a genuinely decent human being. Afterwards, forget it: I think they brainwashed him to hate black people or something.
Anyway, when I saw that I was no longer connected to him/couldn't view his profile, etc., I didn't feel sad or whatever. Just dumb for having bothered to look him up after all those years. I don't blame myself for **his** choices, but I learned a lesson there: if someone's not in my life anymore, they're not worth looking up. Also, that lesson applies to high school reunions and such. If I have to go to one of those things to catch up with old classmates, then those people were never really my friends, and frankly, F them. Who cares?!
If they're able to get supply posting phony photos on social media with a primary supply, they won't have any use for you in public. They may keep contacting you though.
I've seen this with attractive narcs or those with money.
Idk if I’ve ever clicked on a video so fast. My narc just contacted me for the first time in 4 years and I’ve been employing every mental health mechanism to not panic about whether or not it’ll happen again.
Make a list of all the horrible things about them and look at it when you think of responding. You can also visualize a child in them and then get grossed out. 😂 Immaturity
The narc is in need , not you , think of them as a thief. You lock the mental door and focus on you ...the narc will go off for other fuel. Be strong ⤠they have NOT changed
Don’t give your narc the chance. They’ve survived for four years without you, so let them keep on surviving and focus all the love on yourself. You’ve got this!!! 💪ðŸ»
Thank you all â¤ï¸ To be clear, I have not responded and never will! He emailed the same day he got divorced from his most recent ex wife. She’s the woman he cheated on me with and my Schadenfreude has been reading the progression of their court case online. He contacted to “make amends†and “make things right with me in what ways he canâ€.
His motives in doing that:
- Confuse and hurt his current girlfriend
- See if I’m down bad enough to still “need†“help†from him (I was a stay at home wife)
- Get assurance that I won’t talk to the press about the abuse I’ve faced when he becomes a pop star ( 😂🙃 )
I cannot make this up 🤦ðŸ½â€â™€ï¸
@@amyroberts-diggins7525yikes! 😮An ex narc boyfriend of mine randomly sent me a friend request after years of no contact. He caused me severe pain and seriously damaged my life with his lies emotional abuse and cheating. I quickly denied the request. No way I’d ever let him near me again. Good for you for staying strong! 💪🼠â¤
My ex has yet to give me a "final discard" even tho he has a new source.
After my divorce, and him now on his 4th wife, he still gaslights, tells lies, and manipulation to glorify himself... he is desparate for validation. My children, friends, and our families know the truth and we all ignore him
Peace and quiet finally then
So Brilliant. Whether or not a Narcissist hoovers has so much to do with whether they're getting their Supply needs met or not. The "Final" discard then becomes this complex and elusive thing. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani! BTW, you look Beautiful.
My narcissist boss has been caught in stealing money from her father's business and opening up multiple credit cards in his name. She has been fired by her father, and the secret service is evaluating the amount of fraud she has done. Work is so much nicer now. I don't have to protect the people around me know that she has gone😊
The final discard is a blessing. Excellent information. Thank you 😎
In my situation, I will make the final discard.
Beautiful conclusion! The final discard happened for me, wether or not she comes back like a snake, she won't get in.
Also when they know that you know how they are and they are worried that you’ll reveal them to others. They’ll run.
Or else they'll smear you.
He put a lie on his SM (to his fans) I just knee jerk posted he did not have Covid (as true) later realized, he wanted people to think so, went back to delete but he clearly hated that I said that, &deleted my post for me, as I was revealing of him to others. Later he ignored my nice message. You cannot apologize to them., and they don't ever make mistakes.
My narc ex got married to someone he's just met, less than a year after he discarded me. I think I'm in the clear 😅
The final discard I knew was coming when we stopped sleeping together, he initiated this step and right before this he was on the missing list, with the new supply. He hoovered once a few years later but I shut it down. I haven't seen him for nearly six years.
The problem is some are very good at hiding their true intentions, and they fool you into believing they love you. Then if you never dealt narcissistic person, then it will take you time to come to the conclusion that the person is truly evil. The only way to deal with a narcissistic is not to play their idiotic game. When you leave them then you find out all the other terrible stuff they did behind your back. Then they beg you to come back ... don't let them back!!!
My narc ex boyfriend stalked me for 2 years; Phone calls in the middle of the night, calling me up to say he saw me somewhere and described exactly what I was wearing, a lot of that crazy stuff. At that time he still got my golden necklace and some personal stuff, and he knew I wanted these items back. I was 20 years old back than, but thank god I was so smart to play it hard, and I acted like I didn't care about the necklace etc. One day he showed up at my house (we lived 300 miles apart), sunglasses on, baseball cap so I didn't recognize him... I didn't open the door but I watched him... he had his car parked at the end of my street... when he was gone, I found my necklace and the other stuff in my mailbox. I never heard from him again. I'm 45 now and I'm still so relieved I escaped this relationship;
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Scammer
*I love the grounded reality of this channel!!!*
Retirement took a toll on my finances, but with my involvement in the digital market, $27,000 weekly returns has been life changing. AWESOME GODâ¤ï¸ðŸŽ‰â¤
I'm in a similar situation where should I look to increase income? Do you have any advice? What did you do ? Thank you
Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Maria Luisa Abrams.
She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸
Wow...I know her too she is a licensed broker and a FINRA agent she is popular in
US and Canada she is really amazing woman with good skills and experience.
After I raised up to £228k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the United Kingdom 🇬🇧🇬🇧 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.
They push you to the edge when you leave you are accused of breaking up the relationship.
It’s hard to fathom which narc damage is the worst. Is it family, is it spouse or lover, is it employers or is it kids. I think maybe if your children are afflicted, that may be the most painful. What do you think? ⤠to the decent.
It's most definitely the kids
@@KBQuick81 I see all of these channels with videos about millennials and gen x cutting off their parents and many of these parent’s testimonials are heartbreaking. They seem genuinely heartbroken and honestly dear, if they were malignant or sociopaths would they care so much? Our culture and society is fracturing and splintering down to the individual family level. It’s very sad. We all have challenges raising our young. I had challenges with both of mine but I tried to take the high road and listen to them. Listen validate accept. I found apologizing (even if I felt I did nothing wrong) worked and telling them I would always be here for them and then they seemed to come around. It took years, though. Maybe people give up too soon. Unless there is abuse, if there is love and care there is hope. I find the older I get the less I can tolerate dishonesty or people who lie or who are unable to communicate
Dr. Ramani, I just want you to know that I've given your name to so many people! You have helped me so much over the years. I can spot a narc so easily these days & they seem to be everywhere! Thank you for all the people you've helped. Thank you for being real, honest & encouraging. God bless you!
I like your analogy about the moving virus. I always wondered why the narcissist moved from coast to coast, city to city so many times in her life. Looking for a new group of supply may explain it. I'm just happy she discarded me eventually moved out of my hometown!
I dunno. I've known non-narcissists who did that too. I don't think that moving a lot is a real indicator of narcissism. It's more likely an indicator of someone who has to move for the jobs that are offered them.
*THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A “FINAL DISCARD†FROM A NARCISSIST!*
The “final discard†*has to be initiated and completed by YOU* in order to exist or become a real thing. Otherwise the term itself is rubbish.
They say there is sometimes those who discard and never contact you again and I know from experience this is true, whether or not romantic relationship. The shame they have cuts deep, their own guilt of whatever they did to you, that you know and they know you know. They are afraid of you.
Yes, I liked the idea of becoming "unhooverable" - this much healthier path of getting myself and my life into a place in which I am in love with a healthy person and building a healthy life together, a time in which i am involved with meaningful activities that fills my heart and soul and no future faking promisses could distract me from it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for this inspiring video.
I was with my Narc partner for almost 10years. He got cancer but beat during the relationship, while I was his caretaker. He got a new job and started to climb the corporate ladder and devalue and discard finally happened. I had to initiate the break up with him because he felt too much shame to leave me after everything we went through . He treated me so poorly that I had to leave. I now realize that I put up with his horrendous behavior because he was sick. It was all so confusing.
I’m discarding the narc… had to go no contact which I felt very guilty for but I HAD TO!!! I will not be manipulated or sucked back in again! Time to be me again!
Caller ID is a God Send. Also blocking.
I truly believe that I'm at that point in my healing . That I've chose to disappear. No contact in any way
My youngest son warned us for possibly 5 years his brother warned us his older brother was narcissistic with others. Now we are in the discard phase with big brother. We may well be entering a Hoover phase because we have been cut off from grandkids for about a year. It is about time he figures out Grandma and Grandpa were handy.
our daughter has done this to us
My daughter discarded me some days ago.
We had a bad relationship since 10 years.
But only since a short time I know that she is not only a borderliner but also a narcissist.
The painful thing is that she just got a babygirl in the month of May which I didn't see yet.
She also tried to put up my brother and his wife towards me and made from my sister a flying monkey that tried to gaslight me.
Omg, that is exactly what happened to me. I wish I never let him come back.
i PLATONICALLY love Dr. Ramani. She is SO COOL...
Apologies for sharing, but l just had to share as l am so full of excitement as for the first time in almost five year my ex didn't gaslight me, although he tried with everything he had . the nasty twisted things he was accusing of in front of many professionals yet, l stayed calm and focused on why l was at the meeting , l couldn't have achieved this if it wasn't for the knowledge and skill of DR Ramani thank you for giving me the tools to prove l am not crazy you are a remarkable women â¤
I hope mine it is. She ( sister) sent two final emails telling me how happy she is, how she has a new partner and friends she hasn’t bothered me anymore. I don’t believe anything she says, she is an angry, full of rage person. In her mind her other 5 siblings are the problem. She is on smear campaigns and making herself like the victim. I hope she never comes back. I hate to say it, she is my sister but she has sucked any love i had for her out of me. She is a dangerous liar.
My ex discarded me to move to the beach with the woman he was cheating on me with. He is an ocean guy and I live no where near the ocean. He is not coming back. I don't want him back.
It's a difficult thing for many.people. I ve had family discard me . I've had people I dated discard me it's not up to the person who tolerated all too much sometimes ....it's like getting attacked from a pit bull.the dog may not want to let go of the hold.
Being discarded doesn't mean there's anything more wrong with you than there is wrong with anyone else. It only means that you were with the wrong people for you, and that there are others out there who'll fit better with you and your personality and interests. It's not easy finding the right people to be with, but when it happens, they'll treat you in a normal way, not some love-bombing way or some stand-offish way. You'll not be nervous around them or worried that they might discard you, either. Basically, if you're miserable when you're with someone, it doesn't matter who's blaming who for what: it's just simply time to get out. Don't try to fix the relationship - just get out. There's nothing wrong with people separating from those who it turns out they don't belong with after all. Just never idealize anyone; if you do, they'll be the first one to discard you. Remember: no one's so special that they can do no wrong.
Been 6mos. No contact. Shes distract w simp rebound. Almost positive im free now 🦅
I got hoovered 25 YEARS later. I was in a bad place and it worked. This time *_I_* did the discard and it will remain that way. Good luck.
This spoke to me, there is a need to reclaim your autonomy when dealing with these people. When I left the narcissist for the last time. I chose to cut all ties with every person that had even a passing acquaintance with them this was a pretty heavy chunk of my then life. I moved a 2 days drive away and I changed my phone number. It was the only way, because it was only then I was able to reclaim myself as a person.
In my case the "final" discard was the day I left and moved out. Sometimes this is called the "reverse discard", where she was so unbearable for so long that I just had had enough.
I'm glad mine has a new supply before the divorce and I wish them the best. My final was when I claimed my voice back and set boundaries around me. The rose colored glasses were gorilla glued no longer and it feels amazing!
It seems like never 🙄
What’s important is when YOU decide it is final .
Bombing, devalue and discard no more â¤
Thank you Narc, I’m educated now to know better
I love myself, I value myself and I will keep only who and what’s valuable â¤
There should definitely be courses on how to get the narcissist to give you the final discard and attain indifference towards you.
Why don’t you do the final discard and disconnect?
@@dharmaslife I agree with you that would be the best option in an ideal world, but it's always safer when the narcissist 'discards,' if that makes sense?
I actually have a method that works to get them to leave you and never come back. I tried this with my narcissist and he hasn't bothered me for at least nine months.
What you need to do to convince them to leave you is pretend that some upsetting life event you've experienced has left you with some weird version of obcessive compulsive disorder thinking. So if your narcissist hates the color green you go around trying to paint the walls green and talk about nothing but how the color green makes you happy.
My narcissist comes from a strict Catholic family who would never allow him to stay with me if I don't make the gold standard of what a Catholic wife should be. I needed to get away from his violence so I told him that I want to have kids (which is true) but made a huge deal about being a few days late having my menstrual cycle. I told him I was panicked and desperate to have kids now and that adoption was off the table as it is just too expensive so I simply had to do traditional IVF in order to have kids. As his family is Catholic he told me he opposed this and couldn't stay with me unless I changed my mind. So I spent the next two months obcessively talking about my IVF journey and how I was determined to do IVF no matter what even if it was morally questionable in his eyes. My ploy worked and he finally stopped bothering me with his incessant rage filled phone calls. He gave me the breakup text I had been waiting for so eagerly and hasn't bothered me since. Yesss!!!!!!!!
This is how you get rid of them. Yes it hurts like hell to get dumped but that's better than having them mess you up with hoovers. I can grieve and heal with peace and quiet because I exaggerated my beliefs about IVF so that I no longer seemed interesting to my abuser. Try it, it works!
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
@@dharmaslife That will only wear you out.
Narky doesn't respect it. Narky only respects force.
@@jilladams7573 Absolute sense. When you leave the narky abuser; that's when they k*ll you.
I’ve been dealing with a severe narc trying to Hoover me since 2007. It’s exhausting. Restraining orders. Ugh
I've been struggling with this one, mine won't discard, doesn't want to change anything, but won't go. Im convinced they are an vulnerable/covert narcissist. I'm stuck in it so bad, and I'm trying to figure how to let go.
Needed this
I've just been through this. I still adore her. She promised me a lot (closeness, intimacy, commitment) nearly a year ago. I never asked her for anything, and to be fair she did say that she was still living with her ex and would move out in a few weeks off her own back at the start, and then she was going on about how we'd be together by the end of August and then September and describing all the stuff we'd do, and then we'd be together at Christmas, and then in the new year. Then it was her new years resolution to sort it out. Then she just seemed to drop it with no fanfare and no apologies or explanations, as if she'd never said anything. She also made lots of other promises that were extremely important but disappeared with no explanation. I said at the beginning I was only concerned that I'd get attached and end up heartbroken because she'd go off me over a period of months, and that she'd probably have more problems getting her own house that she thought. She made all that into a trust issue and literally said she'd never go off me, and I should wait and see.
So after about 5 months she started provoking me all the time saying I was chatting other women up and bascially being disloyal. She'd actually done that from the start occasionally tbh, but we'd usually been able to work it out there and then. I actually found it a bit cute that she liked me so much that she was concerned about me cheating, but after that 5 months it just got worse. She'd take offence at absolutely nothing and give me the silent treatment for days, said the relationship was on one week and off the next, but whilst it was 'off' she'd still accuse me of being disloyal. Go figure? I never did anything, I'm a very shy person, and I've not even had sex in 8 years. Never chatted anyone up at all.
So the last time she started stonewalling me over something she inexplicably got annoyed about, I called her out on social media where I'd met her for being a narcissist. I'm getting criticised for this. Some of her 'friends' (supply) are having a go at me. I think I did the right thing for various reasons that are fairly complicated.