Why Marriages Fail // Season 2 Episode 8 | Honest Tea Talk
Vložit
- čas přidán 27. 07. 2024
- In this episode, we bring Imam Shakeel Begg of Lewisham Islamic Centre to discuss the important topic of why marriages fail.
WANT SEASON 3?
We can only do that with your help! Donate via:
- GoFundMe: www.gofundme.com/honestteatalk
- PayPal: bit.ly/HTTdonate
JOIN THE DISCUSSION:
- Facebook: / honestteatalk
- Instagram: / honestteatalk
- Twitter: / honestteatalk
GET UPDATES:
Sign up at bit.ly/honestteatalk
___
About Honest Tea Talk
with Aliyah, LaYinka & Sumayah
Inspired by Jada Pinkett-Smith's 'Red Table Talk', 3 Muslim women have set up a platform to speak openly and honestly, giving viewers an unedited insight into the minds and life of Muslim women. Honest Tea Talk brings deep and often unspoken topics to the table to lay down our masks and start much-needed discussions about matters related to Muslim women and the ummah at large.
© 2020
#honestteatalk #realtalk
Before I reverted it was difficult to find someone to marry. As soon as I reverted I found a husband who ticked all the boxes, kind compatibility, communication, empathy and support, it will be a year in June alhamdulliah and still going strong.
Alhamdulillah😭😭😭
How did you find your husband?
Ma shaa Allah!👍🏻
SubhanAllah
What's your ethnicity?
Its not merely the idea of love not being ‘present’ or not marrying your love interest that can thoroughly answer the question of why marriages are failing. Having known many people who have had failed so-called love marriages, we need to re-evaluate our definition of love and how it evolves in this long-term, committed relationship. The nature of our love for someone does change with time, especially as responsibility within that marriage increases. It becomes a different kind of love that we may actually not even recognize as love.
I think what is critical for our generation today is to alter our perception of love. It is not just an entity. Love is also a skill that needs to be honed through practice and effort. It is not just a feeling that will retain the same level of intensity throughout your marriage. We have to work to keep that love alive through communication, compassion, empathy, respect, patience and quality time spent together. This whole idea that people are no longer happy in marriages because ‘they don’t love each other’ is a result of a few things: 1) more than ever before, we are selfishly looking out for our own personal happiness; 2) we don’t protect the modesty of our eyes, tongue, ears and sometimes body.
We also need to redefine what constitutes happiness. We are not always going to be happy in our marriages nor will our marriage always be exciting. There will probably be more moments that are dull, mundane and stressful, but that’s what life is. Two individuals coming to build a life together is not a joke, nor is it a fairy tale.
We need to nurture and develop empathy, respect and compassion for our spouse, and spend time together with and without the kids. Let’s treat our spouse like they are royalty and be the best version of ourselves for them, not just for everyone else around us.
And of course, let’s continue to pray to God. The shaytaan is always looking for ways to make your spouse seem undesirable to you. Protect yourselves with prayer and dua, together, and God will guide both of you.
Probably one of the wisest advices Allahuma barik. I've recently became open to idea of marriage at the age of 28 alhamdullilah. I know it's old but walahi I'm grateful I didn't get married before. Talking to the opposite sex for the intention of marriage is something foreign. I wish there was seminar or something in how to conduct one self appropriately. Alhamdullilah, I have come to realise that if I put Allah first that regardless things will be easier. Jaza kala khayr for the sincere advice
- friendship and drive and team work and growth is important in couples
- in Islam you aren't really friends with opposite sex, you are friendly and nice and helpful but still shy if the person is a stranger and you dont intend to make that person family
Very wise words there. Love is about service
👏👏👏👏👏
Very well said ma sha Allah. May Allah swt reward you. I hope they read this.
I wish there were more imams like this. More understanding, more open-minded.
The best advice is to know oneself before entering marriage, and not rushing into something just because it is TIME (by social standards).
There is way too many disfunctional marriages just because these kind of topics were not addressed enough in the community.
Word
He's so good, he's in touch with his community. May Allah bless him. Ameen
there are, you just need too look beyond your circle!
mashallah tbark allah alhamdulillah inshallah better astagfirullah
Asalam alaykum waramathullah wabarahkhatu sisters,pls can you take a topic on polygamy
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "He who believes in Allah and the Last Day must either speak good or remain silent."
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
Aminah was spot on when talking about the reason behind why reverts want to marry. Its so lonely and hard being the only muslim and not “belonging” and marriage is a chance to be able to create your own muslim family.
❤️
True
Very very true
Yawn... personally dont see any new ground covered. Just like a lot of post feminist waffle cloaked in an islamic veneer. 'This is the first time this has been covered,' She says.... gimmee a break. Disappointed as this has the potential to be so good and offer a viable alternative yo what is espoused elsewhere on CZcams and offer amazing solutions from the salient teachings from the deen. Not claiming i could do better but searching for something more
Aminah? You mean Aliyah
One of the main problems which leads to marriage and relationship failure is that kids have not been grown up in a household where they experience love, expression, gestures of being nice and so on. This is a big fault in most muslim households. Because being reserved and showing serious face ALL the time will not lead to a good example for your kids and no surprise that they are same with their future spouses. This is particularly important for Men as they are by nature less expressive and dominant. For them to observe their fathers showing no love to the mother will ultimately cause problems in their relations.
This cold industrialised world never has enough space for compassion
Thats because Pakistani culture is still stuck in caveman times, men are just seen as the providers and protectors and women are just seen as the baby makers and housemaids. They just accept the role, if the man brings in the food and the woman makes it then that counts as a marriage for them. The emotions part does not even occur. Everyone says its just men who are emotionless, ha in my family the woman are equally as emotionless. They literally marry, have kids and come together when they need to (parties and events they go everywhere together) but other than that husband and wife do their own thing. Theres never been a bond, theres never been much communication. The wife does her own thing, the husband does his own. Some husbands (including my own dad) would stay out for hours on end everyday and the wife would not care so long as he brought the food home. She would never even ask. Can you imagine that in the standard marriage, most wives would be too paranoid wondering where their husbands always go out but in the older generation the wives just do not care. Theres no love, just enough respect to give each other what they need. And funnily enough these couples stay married forever. Is it worth it? Who knows nowadays. I am so desensitized to emotions as a result that sometimes I think maybe this type of marriage is ideal for me. I gave up looking for love a loooooooong time ago.
@@trevorphillips3340 ur comment was like reading what ive observed growing up. As a man, i wouldn't even begin to know how much time to spend with a wife, when to talk etc. Its a nightmare, almost as if i have to figure it all out on the go
💯
Men are not less expressive and dominant naturally.you just learn that chAracter because of culture
Also, relationships need emotional intimacy. So important
Yep
How can a married man cheat
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
@@aqsaali49 why
Yes. Lack of connection is terrible in marriage.
What makes a marriage breakdown is two people who are not compatible and who are not self-aware. Not willing to compromise also will breakdown a relationship.
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
We q
Salaam alaykum sisters, I had a Christian friend who is a 7 day adventist, and before she got married to her now husband, the church conducted a number of compatibility sessions with the both of them. They not only had to answer a questionnaire separately/privately about what they both want in life and out of their marriage, but they also had a few counselling sessions together so that they were both on the same page in regards to their expectations for marriage in advance. I thought it was a great idea and it was nice to see u guys talking about what we should be doing before we actually get married.
... I just wanted to add that if there were any conflicting expectations revealed in their questionnaires, then they would be brought up during their sessions together. It was basically a marriage screening process conducted by the church. I wish we had these things in place. A lot of heart ache could be prevented.
I think the Muslim community needs premarriage counselling. We are desperate for it, tbh we have no clue what we are doing.
@@arianhanl8724 it could make such a huge difference, in shaa Allah. Just imagine if we all had that before getting married. Helps to set a standard and it also helps to rule out brothers or sisters who don't have pure intentions, because they just wouldn't be up for that type of commitment before marriage.
@@arianhanl8724 or even if masjids were unable to provide one to one sessions before marriage, then maybe the the imams should create regular segregated group sessions which couples have to attend before their nikkah?
Not all are clueless
Alhamdulillah we don't need to follow no church, those interested to marry need to gain knowledge in Islam, plus it's a door to the shaydhan, because 1st people will get to know Escher before marriage(with their wali of course), and so one has to be smart knowing what they want and to ask much questions, the rest, then no one is perfect and one would probably end up not marrying someone they were compatible with and probably fall in to haram acts. We also have a Istikharah for help, and Allah is the greatest source of help. Islam is not like the falsehood, if people were to practice their deen and be sincere then it's unlikely to marry the wrong person. So Islam provides the tools to a happy marriage but it is the people, so, are we then to follow sister the kufar, Christians have the worst level of divorce...Alhamdulillah. Education and intelligence is needed, not questionnaires like kids or dating sites.
Successful marriage starts when husband and wife constantly put good efforts to each other
May Allah make our marriage a blessing for us not a trial
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
@fatma warda mashallah very good dua sister
Aameen Aameen yarabil al-ameen
Love in our community is taboo for the vast majority, and it's not only in marriages, even parents don't say to their kids "I love you". I think that generated a generational problem which is that kids don't get any demonstration of affection so they struggle to give it.
Am not married yet but from this talk I've learnt that I need to prepare myself for marriage. 26:07 Imam said "understand yourself first before you start looking for someone" powerful❤. Tjank you Imam and the beautiful ladies.
I love Honest Tea Talk. May Allah reward you abundantly. Love all the way from the Gambia in West Africa. Can't wait for the next episode In Shaa Allah
🇬🇲🇸🇳
Another Gambian in the house ❤️
hello sister
@@RohiaContehNjie 🤩
Aameen 🤲🤲
I love the idea of having workshop specifically for couples on communication and building emotional connection with each other.
Asalam Aleikum.
and work compatibility and growth, guys like to help the community in their own way just like sisters do.
As salaamu alaikum! I absolutely love how you ladies include reverts in the conversation and discussion. It’s very refreshing to be included in such topics. This isn’t always the case! So thank you :).
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
The thing i have heard the most, and refused to buy into, is that" dont worry just get married love will grow". it never does. if you are not attracted and obsessionally interested in someone else it wont happen later. This is not a thing that grows. it just is or isnt. Question then is how to know if you have love for someone without dating like non-muslims do? People make the mistake of assuming you must date to see if there is love. As someone who has loved it isn't like that. You will know in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone face to face if there is a strong attraction and interest .( (that is why the Prophet SAW said look carefully at a person you intend to marry)( also dont meet online you cant tell that way at all). You will feel them beautiful and you will have a strong urge to get to know them, who they are as a person. if this isnt present there is no love. The next step once you feel this is to get some conversations in and start getting to know this person within Islamic guidelines. You may come across things you like that make your interest stronger or things you dont like that will remove your interest bit by bit. if you are still happy 1 month down the line get proposed then Give yourselves 6 months of getting to know each other and your familys etc. after 6 months you will either be ready to marry them or not. The reason i say 6 months is that by then the strong attraction should have become more normal and your brain will start functioning so you take their personality into account and also any red flags will be considered seriously. before 6 months the infatuation process is still very much in progress and your judgement will be off. Note i am not saying date and go out during these 6 months. Let them come have supper with your family and you go to theirs , talk on the phone, etc. also make sure your conversations have substance not all koochie coo stuff, discuss viewpoints, world news, likes and dislikes, views on animals... all the things you need to make an informed choice. notice habits and tendencies. The sad thing is sometimes you reallly like someone but you find out they are on drugs, or have been cruel to animals or whatever is a deal breaker for you, and then you have to let that person go regardless of the love you feel because that love will destroy you down the line and your relationship eventually.
Spot on here
Couldnt agree more!
Getting to know someone for 6 months is not practical, i agree with initial meetings until you are satisfied but 6 months for 1 potential spouse?? If i had to decide between multiple proposals years will go by.
And where you will find people who are willing to be in that get to know each other phase for 6 months??
Thing is a person isn't going to give EVERY potential match 6 months because it's often possible to rule a person out sooner. If you don't feel enough interest after a handful of meetings, no need to continue for even 1 month, much less a 6 months. Don't have to give everyone 6 months before saying no thank you.
100% totally agree
There is not enough guidance and forums that cater for unhappy marriages. Even if wives are willing to seek help...the husbands tend not to want to address the issues, hence such marriages feel like failures.
I wouldn't call myself religious- more so spiritual but being from a Muslim family I have wanted to explore my religion more lately. I came across your videos a couple weeks ago and have become a huge fan! Thank you so much for your honest and openminded communication about the issues we face in the muslim community. These conversations are so important to have and you three ladies honestly feel like a breath of fresh air! THANKYOU! You've made me excited to explore my religion.
I wish they would do an episode for single people about meeting properly and taking the step to marriage. how to find your partner and how to handle that period before marriage?
I am begging every youtube channel that has talks like this to cover that part. But no one ever does it. It's always on the surface and never in depth.
I agree. I would benefit so many people
They did 2 weeks ago. How to find a husband.
@A simple Guy Just simple What exactly is haram though? The meeting part? Maybe you forgot this part: '... single people about meeting properly ...'.
@@xSunnyDaysx plsss i had the same questiond after watvhing it
In my case i think its the way boys were raised. Young men’s nowadays don’t know how to use their hands unless its to hit on their wife. They cannot work without complaining about it all the time and most important they have no patience whatsoever. I am really disappointed in every men around me.
Also young mens have this delusional image of hijabis. They have this dream that we are supposed to be perfect from head to toes and on top of that have no voice to speak. We cant ever ask/complain/chat with them. Cook clean and be beautiful with a perfect body. They put TOO MUCH pressure on us.
Nina Cubana I agree 👏🏽
Absolutely, we need to educate our boys!!! 👏🏾
Your summed up my husband! I am sick of this mentally. It’s NOT ISLAMIC at all!
@@asmaidris sis have a talk with him, cant be with a man who has this mentality but its something that with a bit of common sense and knowledge he can get out of.
@@abigailtrumbo178 Yess so true honestly, both men and women need to be treated with some damn respect like they are your supposed to be with you for life and you are supposed to be kind to them,love them,care for them but some men and women cant even do that like a healthy marriage cant up stand with just physical things.
It’s interesting that I keep hearing the word compatibility . It’s important to understand what that actually entails because sadly many people look at very shallow traits when searching for a compatible partner, like their choice in hobbies, and passions, etc. I believe these are things that can be accepted in a partner if they are different from yours.
To add on, when speaking about compatibility it’s important to understand the difference between personality and character. They are completely different things. I feel a person needs to first see whether both have shared values and outlook on life. The overall goal and purpose in life needs to be shared.
Values like respect, compassion, open communication, patience, empathy, integrity, the importance of family, etc.
Yes, personalities can sometimes clash but we must also remember that you will never find someone who feels and thinks exactly like you. Hopefully, many, many conversations between the woman and the man before marriage (in an acceptable setting), will help educate each of them of basic character and personality traits. Making an informed decision is so important but please don’t be disillusioned into thinking you need to love them first. Those feelings are scientifically proven to wear off within the first few years. There’s a reason why it’s called the honeymoon phase :). Of course, there needs to be some level of attraction but let’s not confuse that with feelings of love!!
Agree with everything except that last bit. people mistake the CHANGING of the love they feel to be a lack of love. The heady excitement yes wears off. in its place is a more mature love, calmer , not aflame anymore but a smoulder. its not exciting at all, its comfortable and steady, but its there. and it will flame up now and then too. if you want to know if you have entered the smoulder phase just imagine that person hurt badly or dead. if you cannot tolerate the thought of them suffering or losing them you still love them, its just not romance and excitement and rightly so. Real love changes and matures and evolves.
@@phoebeglobe483 But I've heard / read about people who remain madly in love even after 10-15 years of marriage. What is it that gives them that spark?
In addition to these, I think ambition is an extremely important trait of compatibility. When we have one that has very high ambitions and the other who has a cooler level of excitement, there will be rifts about how much should get done within a set time.
"Back in the days" couples knew their rights and responsibilities (early Islam) and generally married within near vicinities or familiar cultures so were more compatible regardless of age differences. There were no taboos about divorce either if things did not work out. All but one of our Prophet's (pbuh) wife were divorcees.
Many married multiple times. It must have been seen as normal. No one was left behind without a mehram in general I believe.
Now the world has expanded...women don't place much emphasis on mehrams, have careers, both genders mix freely, marry older, live in a multi cultural society, social media, other family influences, education level, financial differences etc...girls and boys are bombarded with choices and pulled in several diverse directions. Often growing up immature and live in an 'ideal' fairytale, make believe land.
Sorry to say. I am 64 and when I look at some of the younger generation, it saddens me.
The answer lies in a strong Islam foundation, good stable family upbringing, plus I agree "pre marital training" as a must for ALL. (Grow up session lol).
This training should include the reality of married life, raising children, all practicalities, work/life balance, compromises needed etc. as no one is perfect and no circumstances are ideal.
Then additional training for engaged couples as joint sessions.
Nowadays no one wants to try harder and work at a marriage.
Appeal and compatibility must be cherished, nurtured and kept alive by both parties. True love comes after marriage. The house then becomes a "home". Peace and tranquility prevails. Children grow up into wholesome individuals. So in my humble opinion...to summarise...reason for failure...
A marriage can never work if Allahs Commands are not followed ie rights and responsibilities are not met.
In such a relationship, there can be no empathy, love, trust, mercy, compassion, respect or passion.
Where there are injustices, it will eventually fail.
May Allah Grant us pious spouses (who are willing to go through both training sessions, lol!) and for the emaan and sanity of our future generations. Ameen.
May Allah bless you ameen very good advice
Amein
Assalamalaikum sister and brother im going through hard time my husband after 8 years marriage he left me because his father forced him to live me ,I love him so much also I was have 2 children from previous marriage and my children love him so much ,when he left my children they was sick and screaming I was feeling my heart it was broken Please pray for me and my children to give us peace in ours heart
Assalamu aleykum, sister. I pray may Allah give you ease and peace in your heart, and in the hearts of your children. If your husband left you just because his father told him shows that he was a very weak man and coward. Also it's Haram to leave your wife because your father tells you to. Some Muslims are just puppets in their parents hands and they have zero life on their own. We are told to obey our parents AS LONGG AS they do not tell us to do haraam things. A father forcing his son to leave a wife is totally haraam. May Allah give you a better man and husband, sister. Stay strong. ♥️
Your husband aint shit if he left you for what his dad said. Take that as a sign sis. Move on
@@alghurraba thank you very much my sister for the encouragement it really is haram but the fact that his father made him choose between me and him is unacceptable . I tried to understand as a parent first of all ,but to force your child and to tell him if you don't leave het I renounce as a son and I will let it writing not to come to my grave . How can you say such a thing ,I'm also a parent and I have parent who would not have done such a thing ,always the let me t choose what is good for me . I HOPE Allah will help me get through and my children who have been very affected but no one thinks about them and they consider normal
Sister I hope your dojng much better now, if people want to leave let them go in Islam its important to have dignity and have faith in Allah at the end,,, wishing happy life
@@coolcat6341 Alhamdullilah I'm feeling more better
Towards the end they talk about an unhappy partner staying in the marriage for the sake of their children. I’d just like to mention that although this might be a great idea in terms of the family being together and keeping the ties within the family extended family etc. Children have are very intuitive and may feel something isn’t right. It could effect their mood lead to confusion maybe even develop emotional issues. I’d say if you are keen to stay with the family for the sake of your kids you need to do so without making it feel awkward or forced especially when it comes to the interaction with the partner. It’s not an easy task at all if you want to do it properly.
For the part 2 I would like to know how to have love and compatibility can come before marriage (premarital) how can we have love for someone in a halal way?
Seek love and knowledge from Allah and He will guide you through everything else. There is a dua about Allah's love, Google it.
Trust Allah, seek His Help and He will help you. The Qur'an says seek help in patience and prayer... Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 153
Court for more than 6 months. Organize things to do for the community together that healthy married couples can get involved in. Basic things things like shop for the food pantry or a big clean up. Make sure your guardian is close by and just chill around him, talk and build. Not just for young people who have not been married before but for those who were married before and want to marry again. Brings the children along too! As well as men who are single dads. Be creative and think outside the box. Don’t allow anyone to define what a “sit down” looks like. Go bike riding with the dude.
Choosing a person who is worthy of your love and commitment. Someone who has or their family have a deep connection with your family , have favoured you in a significant way , someone you admire for his or her qualities and trustworthiness well known through a person close to you . Your heart and instinct can guide you .And of course your heart should guide you standing within the islamic point of view.
@@tutu-coachescaregivers729 I love your thought. I have the same stance in this. It's always good to meet some one during events. That way you can observe how a person kind of is, instead of sitting across from eachother forcing a conversation.
I really love the fact that you Sisters are not afraid of addressing the realities within the family and marriage that are not being addressed from the mimbar
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
Whats mimbar
@@ye23. ,the position where the imam or Alim deliver their sermons from
sadiq gibbons ohh thanks
@@ye23. ,respect and manners,Ukhti
We needed this so many families are going through this right now. May Allah help us all
the brother sitting there with some nike slides haha what a cool man :)
May Allaah (swt) shower His Blessings on you three wonderful ladies as well as Imaam Shakeel, ameen... This will undoubtedly help our community insh’Allaah - beneficial for everyone whether single, married, divorced etc. SO much love for HTT - may it grow, prosper and be a sadaqa jaariya for you all - Ameen!
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
May Allah give countless love to every husband and wife and protect them evil eyes Aameen
🤲🤲🤲
Aameen thuma Aameen
Sometimes whe need to stop looking at the other person's short comings and start to look at our own selves. There is a reason you exist find your reason and follow your goal find something you're passionate about doing. Sometimes you need to find your own happiness and let him find himself and when you pray ask Allah to put love between you and your spouse. Also try and except your spouse for who he/she is.
Yes!!! If a person was to go into marriage to complain always then there will be no peace
Very very interesting talk mashallah. Enjoyed listening alot. I'm only 18😂 but this has a lot of important lessons for me. I would have, however, appreciated some more conversation/information about HOW YOU CAN FIND OUT AND HAVE A CONNECTION WITH A POSSIBLE SPOUSE-TO-BE, WITHOUT CROSSING THE BOUNDARIES SET BY ISLAM TO COMMUNICATION BETWEEN TWO NON-MAHRAMS.
Right!!! Expecting me to MARRY someone when I can’t even get to hug them or fall in love
I totally can't wait for part two of this discussion.... Great work!
Mercy between husband and wife is an important element in a marriage. Allah says he put Love and Mercy between them (spouse) So then, doesn't love come first but then mercy upholds a marriage?
This deserves so much more attention! I hope you continue doing the work, it is much needed! Selams from Germany ❤️
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
Mashaallah I’m very proud of these sisters they very élocant modest n understand the Iman made great points .may Allah increase us all in knowledge n wisdom .from USA 🇺🇸
These episodes are so much needed. Keep on with your precious work. May Allah reward you abundantly, ameen ❤️
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
Happiness is a state of mind you get through getting close to Allah. Who else can fix your affairs?
Many lack the thinking of what is missing in there deen first.
SubhanAllah u wont believe this talk gave me such great insight as I was going though some really difficult times and you spoke about all of it. JazakAllahukheiran for such great and healthy talk
Bismillah
Salaamu alaikum brothers and sisters. May Allah (SWT) bless you and reward you for initiating this conversation.
As a man I can say Marriage is so hard and has brought my greatest joys and also my greatest pains in life. I think if more people knew the pain that marriage can bring they would be more careful and maybe abstain from marriage altogether. Even when the person is compatible and love is there it can be so difficult and a marriage can always feel like it is one moment away from pain, divorce and utter loss - especially for the man who in the West loses everything.
May Allah give all those who are striving to keep their marriage together ease and transformational moments of success. Ameen.
Part 2 !!! thank you , this was such an interesting conversation as always
Jazakallah khairan guys!!! This has been a real eye opener.
I found this page last week and have been listening to these videos while at work. keep it up, me and many other brothers can definitely benefit from these videos.
communication is taking place in the form of non verbal 80 percent body language. I think 1 hour perhaps 3 times a week focuses on words internally which plays out in its meaning. Their body language is more powerful if changes are real. (avoidance, huffing and puffing, eyecontact, invading space by leaning over, the husband buys more clothes, eating left overs and separately, facial expressions, hand movments, posture, not cleaning after themselves, silence , tutting, mouth twisting, eye rolling, smirking, take photos without permission) then there is smiling, hugs, kisses , a wink, hand holding, sitting closely, covering you while asleep, folding clothes, eating appreciatively, opening doors etc..
Jazakallahu khairan sisters! By far the best episide so far. The imam Ma sha Allah! Its soo refreshing and encouraging to hear him say this! May Allah bless you all for this. Episode 2 is definitely needed. Please shed more light on how we can look for compatibility and love within islamic boundaries BEFORE the marriage. I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to hear something like this. Just the confirmation i needed. Thank You
Assalamu alikum wa rahmatAllah to you all and jazak Allah Khairun for yet another inspiring honest discussion! :-) As someone who been married a few times and having approached different Imams, I would like to say that we need more Imams like this. May Allah (swt) bless you for speaking out and I pray that the other Imams learn from your beautiful contribution in this show. Ameen. As someone who has faced many issues in my marriages and have worked with couples as a Counsellor and Coach, I believe that many issues can be resolved, if people took the time out to get to know themselves. Too often people are approaching a marriage as the pill to make them happy and then depending on their partner to give them happiness! A marriage can never make you happy if you are not happy within yourself. The other major issue is the lack of communication, and therefore there is a need for a dialogue that is done with empathy, love and acceptance of the partners world. You do not necessarily have to accept what the other person says, however, you can respect what they say. I also like that you touched up on the fact about what a 'failed' marriage is, because you can be married and still be in a 'failed' marriage.
great points, happiness with self communication. general empowerment can give ppl stronger sense of uniting purpose and increase compatibility among Muslims.
Assalam alaikum.
Am in a situation maybe you can give me an insight on what the flip am supposed to do 😩
Yesss!! We need more open discussions like this! What an amazing Imam, may Allaah reward him for being open and honest and for sharing an Imam and male's perspective. It's so important that people don't rush into marriage but also DON'T rush into divorce. There are many problems in marriages that can be fixed so long as both parties are willing to work on it. Don't just give up without trying. May Allaah help us all. Aameen.
okay, i've watched it! i think that in this time it is hard to define what is 'the muslim community'. when you sit with adults from my ethnic background, i see them talking about things from their parents generation, not really fully conversing about the prophet peace be upon him's life. so its like, when their male children become adults, the parents say: yes, my son is ready for marriage according to our cultural understanding. also, my son is very responsible in the literal sense. so from this episode, and because imams say that cultural norms do have validation, i think it would be interesting and fun to talk about norms in one country/area and bring out the details of these norms.
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
Thank you sisters ! I really love this show it makes my Monday mornings less difficult haha
Great discussion and thank you for starting this channel! May you guys be blessed!! ❤️❤️❤️
Great, you are greatly educating the muslim ummah. Jazak Allahu khayran from Nigeria
Knowing oneself is definitely needed, mash Allah. Great topic sis🤲🏾🤲🏿😘
Im so happy finding this channel. Alhamdulillah, thank you O Allah.
This was such a special and important episode. JazakAllahu khair xxx
I love the note on understanding your own self. It’s hard to love and give someone what they need when you’re lacking the ability to go inside yourself and ask “What do I need in this moment?” And “What are the things that trigger and upset me?”. It’s so crucial to know yourself, your flaws and your wounds before starting an entire life with someone else.
Absolutely love all your discussions, sister! I’m learning so much. Jazakallahu Khair. May Allah reward you all paradise, inshaAllah. Your all very intelligent & I admire that! Keep it coming! 💕 ❤️
Alhamdulilah! For this great conversation, Yesss for compatibility and love as requirements, Yesss for sisters learning their deen and knowing their rights, we do not have to listen to wrong at all, May Allah bless those struggling in marriage to be fixed In sha Allah and May Allah Bless single Sisters and Brothers to find a compatible spouse to share their life with and have true love and companionship with each other. Ameen
Please can you talk about the abuse of the hadith that "marriage is half your deen " to pressure people who dont want to get married to get married when they genuinely don't want to making them feel incomplete or less of a muslim.
A single person could never compare themselves to a married person. The compromises a married person makes, the patience needed to endure, the work that needs to be invested to charter a positive path. Life of a bachelor or spinster is nothing but a juvenile existence where freedom and accountability to no one are championed. Completing half your deen isn't abuse but rather a challenge that should be met.
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
@@strictlyyoutube6881 Oh please, are you kidding me? You're saying only married people have problems or issues and single people have it alright? Let me quickly give you a reality check as you are so focused on calling the existence of single people juvenile, there are many people who are married and are what you call just as juvenile if not more than the single people. If a person can't get themselves sorted out enough while they're single, what makes you think they will when they get married. I am so sick of people like you using the hadith of marriage being half your deen when there's a lot more context behind this phrase and there's a lot more to our deen than just simply getting married as if by doing that you're doing the world a favor
@@strictlyyoutube6881 Brother, who is comparing anyway? I know LOTS of hardworking single sisters who are dealing with difficult parents, rude relatives, islamophobia at work, absent brothers, selfish sisters who only care about their own status in front of her husband etc. Sisters who are taking care of the parents and even financing while her brother is out dating and sleeping around with white chicks. Coming home only to eat and talk rudely to the cooking mother who can´t stop doting on him and cleaning up after him.
Those who are struggling in their marriage are often people who didn´t have the sabr to wait for the right one, but hurried to get married (isn´t that pretty juvenile?) and settled big time. How do you like THAT sweeping generalisation? Pfft...why be married if it´s such soul-crushing hard work that you seem to want to use as a point of arrogance towards single people? The Arabic word for marriage among other is "Sakina" (tranquility). If it ain´t bringing even half of tranquility, but rather making you a disillusioned, struggling Muslim...then why get married? Marriage is BEAUTIFUL if done the right way, but if not, it can even take your deen away from you.
Hi , I enjoyed this episode immensely and would like to thank your guest.
I feel, 10 years ago or maybe even more , we didn't have marriage counseling or Psychologist. Now we do, its always best to turn to people of specialization in these matters, to get the correct support and training.Gone are the days where we would normally turn to our respected scholars.I noticed alot of shows from scholars, they would normally ask people to refer to marriage counselors, simply cz they give back pratical insights and actions, that do not in any way "devalue" or minimize the woman or man , in a way that goes hand in hand with one's religion . I can give so many examples where we misunderstood the teachings, that led us to act in a way that had mixed feelings with what we were feeling inside . At times contradicting what we were taught from our teachings. I understand sometimes, it's not possible to have a "specialized" guest at your show, or maybe , we as fans of the honest tea talk, don't know what goes behind each preparation, at the same time , we have grown and loved the talks with our tea cups at home. I would really want to see the show excel in a way , where we move forward with changes in getting qualified advice . This is my humble opinion and just a view point . I appreciate all the work done !
Lack of understanding and love ... tenderness respect and Allah knows best
SubhanAllah!!!! So emotional but still educative, sisters learn and know your deen.💖💖💖💖
I love your Honest Tea Talks KEEP GOING! love from Toronto, Canada!
This definitely the most impactful topic that is cornerstone if ever Socially thriving and healthy community is needed to have in the future.
Keep this up sisters and the point is LET US BE HONEST WITH ALL OUR DEALING-MARRIAGE AND LOVE in the first place before getting down to the road.
thank u!!!!needed this totally!! i wondered everyday, doubting myself that i do feel to go after my dreams wich are going for someone with the same chemistry,love and emotional and fysical atraction. But as i grow older everybody tells me not to wait and just go and marry one with only the Deen is enough. But ofcourse its not, ive seen it with the generation before us and what kind of children full of pain it has made us. And seeing couples with that bond of intimacy and love makes me know that true love does exist but you only gotta make the right choice even if its very hard
lack of knowledge in "what marriage is" take a big part of this issue
some of people imagine it a place with no responsibilities upon each other ,
just a boolywood movie , rainbows / making love / traveling / eating and sleeping
and then when the difficulties and responsibilities hit , that person will say "well i didn't marry for this !!!"
i see it necessary for anyone who want to marry , before doing that to take lessons of what marriage is
and what is waiting (him / her) after marrying and the responsibilities they gonna take to carry their family and their future kids
don't put your leg in the deep water unless you know how to swim
مآ شاء الله تبارك الله فيك 💗💗💗
This was quite "unpacking"... touching on compatibility was it for me. So true how the mantra was all about the exterior - looking Muslim, Deen practising, but when you scratch the surface, there's nothing else to connect to. Compatibility is encouraged by the Deen, it's sad some of our religious scholars and brothers twist things to suit their aim.
It's really disheartening to hear a sister accepts being abused physically because she's been brainwashed to call that "Islam"!
Ignorance is not our friend. I am an advocate of self discovery because I'm one of those who didn't know who they truly are or what they really wanted before venturing into marriage. And I believe things would have been a lit easier with self discovery, by الله 's will.
Jazakumullahu khayran dear sisters for another enlightening episode. 😘😘😘
Salaam. Iam grateful I bumped into this channel. I truly think many sisters will join the religion. I was born a Muslim , never left the religion but have been soo sceptical about many issues. That kind of weakened my faith but sister you made an impact. You use so many Arabic terms though and Arabic isn’t my first language, we just learn the verses by heart without understanding what they mean
You do not really know someone until you live with them!
Well done sisters, this was a fantastic episode. may ALLAH bless you all for your courage and concerns for others.
Topics ,discussions and solutions of you guys are beautiful,insightful, intelligent,informative and realistic
I just love these sisters. May Allah continue to bless you all. Mashallah
Unbelievable what the Imam said, so unusual yet so true and very important, Thank you Imam!!
How do you define compatibility before marriage that borders on intimacy, cleanliness, ability and interest to improve by both spouses when they do not spend time together. How do you assess cleanliness for instance when the only time you meet him, he is well-groomed and presentable because the "stage is set" for you guys to meet; however when he is by himself, his house is like a dumpster? These attributes are only noticeable when you've started living together. The issue of finance, for instance, can only be gauged when you see how he handles money in times of surplus or shortages. How does he deal with a situation when something displeases him. You can't know all these when someone presents a good side of them always in a staged interaction or atmosphere.
Exactly! And people who keep themselves clean and all perfume laden, but it´s a nightmare to go to the bathroom after them. Shaving hair all over the sink, soap leftovers in the bathtub together with marks from cleaning the nose, yuck! Not to mention men who have never cleaned a bathroom their entire life because of doting mothers, so the toilet looks terrible after them. UGH! That is far too common and a HUGE issue. Cleanliness is paramount! Most cultures teach daughters to clean and keep a nice house, while the boys are treated like kings that don´t even need to pick up their plate to put it in the dishwasher after. Our Muslim cultures are terribly misogynistic and unfair. I´m surprised more ppl haven´t left Islam because of bad representation during their upbringing. Allah is merciful who has kept us on the right path!
Reverts explanation is true. Mashallah. Love compatibility & being able to build.
Totally agree. We do need more workshops and training classes to communicate better.
Asalaamu alaikum.EXCELLENT PRESENTATION!!! Alhamdulillah! MashaAllah! Allahu Akbar! May you all be rewarded with the most abundant blessings of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Alluhma Ameen. I absolutely love Honest Tea Talk!! I am a 58 year old African America woman that reverted to Islam in 2008. Alhamdulillah. To see these public conversations about such sensitive topics is inspiring to me. I pray our Muslim communities will be impacted in positive ways. And as the imam stated help us have stronger healthier relationships for a stronger healthier ummah. In a sidenote, the aesthetics of HTT are soooooo gorgeous!!! Your videographers artistically capture the set. If I come to the UK, I would love to visit the location of HTT and have a cup of tea one day Insha Allah. Jazak Allahu Khair
I found this page last month and have been listening to these videos while at home . keep it up, .
Excellent episode! Much love from the United States.
May Allah swt reward all three of you sisters,for y’all sincere efforts,ilahi Ameen
This panel and platform is so beautiful and beneficial for the ummah
Excellent discussion, one that could have many more parts to SubhanAllah. Excellent guest too Alhamdullilah. 3:32 hit me hard
loved this episode ,i too believe that connection is important in marriage .may ALLAH REWARD YOU SISTERS .
Voluminously insightful,I’m all the way from Guyana,South America,Caribbean region
Looking forward to the next episode in shaa Allah!
Marriage is a state of mind,you need to be ready for it mentally,it's alot of sacrifice and hard work,but it's also for us to enculcate the sunnah's of our nabi(saw),sabr,shukar,appreciation,respect,love
I don't think the question asked to the Imam about how we should get the men more involved in work shops, counselling and generally a space for them to be able to express their concerns or maybe HOW they can express themselves wasn't addressed. I think muslim men in general have a huge problem seeking advice if things are going wrong in their marriage. Women are so often left to deal with everything and this can feel overwhelming.
Patience of Ayyub Alayhi Salam..
czcams.com/video/RWKgaLhudPs/video.html
If I heard correct the imam mention is need to be spoke on by all imamS , there needs workshops and counseling 🤔
JazakumAllahu khairan for this episode. I found myself welling up a bit right at the beginning when the Imam acknowledged, specifically appreciated and supplicated for you guys - his sisters - and the work that you’re doing with HTT. Beautiful to see the leaders of our community supporting sisters doing khair, tabarakAllah. May Allah bless you all. I’ve never come across Imām Shakeel before and found myself YouTubing his impactful work (thanks for the introduction 😊). May Allah continue to put barakah in his work and y’all’s. Allahumma ameen ❤️
I would love to listen to you sisters address polygamy. The reality of it, the pros, the cons. All of it.
MaanshaAllah
Jazaakumu Allahu khayran
Axbaabii
May Allah reward you abundantly
These ladies have awesome insights, enjoying their videos.
My 2 cents: I hear countless comments about how males have certain unrealisitic expectations on the females and females have just as many unrealisitic expectations on the males. The bottom line is that we no longer take responsibility for ourselves, our actions & most importantly our choices. Being a female does NOT make you a woman nor does being a male make you a man. To actually become a 'man' & 'woman' it takes work, help and a LOT of patience(with a sprinkle of life experience mixed in somewhere). And to attain that is all laid out in our quran & Sunnah. 1 reoccurring fact i notice when studying our prophet s.a.w & sahaabah/men&women is there was an ongoing trend of HELPING one another. If something was done incorrectly help would come along in a respectful manner of the teaching of the right way of doing/saying something. Now alot of what we do is blame. The phrase 'if it aint broke, dont fix it' stands the test of time for a reason. We've been handed our resources on a platter with easy access what with internet ect... all we need to do is take hold of it. There are instances in the quran (without the intention of misquoting) where Allah S.A.W Advises us to 'hold on tightly', which I understand to mean hold to the quran and sunnah with a death grip otherwise it'll slip out of our hands & we'd be open to being led astray which we see today. Every single 1 of us plays a part. Divorce? usually Equates to one or both parties doing something they shouldn't be. Whenever we turn back to what we're meant to be doing according to the quran & sunnah....everything always comes together. Even if it may not seem to at the time as this world in the end is a Test.
My 2 cents/opinion.
Watch this talk by Nu'aman which was posted this week which ironically relates to this subject indirectly:
czcams.com/video/LSTgWrniSoA/video.html
I agree!
Jazak Allah Khair May Allah bless to all of you with good health, long life, all happiness and success in this world and Aakhirah too Aameen 🤲🤲🤲🤲
So refreshing to hear an Iman speak this way. Jzk
This was just Amazing ManshaAllah.
Spot on! Get to KNOW yourself first before rushing into marriage.
True get to know yourself FIRST!
That benchmark is all that you need. Mashallah if one is open minded I am pretty sure you’ll find your partner loving. You have to love 100% and be open minded in order to receive the same love you deserve. Because mashallah what you give is what you get. And if you think you still didn’t get what you deserve. Pray about it and pray for your spouse. And god shall blessed the union where you both can be happy.
My husband and I are married 5 months now , he is helpful but lacks emotion and empathy towards me ,
He thinks if I cry because my son died I'm weak and he walks me out said I should tough up , if he does something and I become upset and I frown he walks away he hardly communicate... he is a yes man tells everyone yes that cant work .if someone ask him for money he gives them and doesn't have enough to buy groceries.
Subhan’Allāh! This was much needed Jazakhalllāhu’Khāir sisters and sheikh. Deffo agree, there are NO to little workshops for men about communication/emotional intelligence how to effectively communicate and understand their spouse. I live in London and I’m yet to hear of anything like this being address, such a shame. Even if this was raised in a khutbahs more to raise awareness would go a long way. It would be beneficial to many.
Not everyone knows they have issues or can identify them, and we naturally don’t like change so it’s easier said than done... so I think the idea of raising more awareness at khutbahs etc might be a good step.
Also I agree Workshops etc are needed for couples, but i can imagine it may prove to be quite difficult to arrange? We women have many of them and they’re so beneficial and you know you’re not alone. For that reason, it maybe better if men have something without their spouses present and just allow the men, some open dialogue and discussion for everyone to be open and honest, and educate themselves about these major issues, that not enough people are addressing.
Jazakhalllāhu’Khāir for touching on this. It’s 2020 and addressing marital issues that everyone is dealing with is still hush hush in the uk until you guys.. In’ shā’ Allāh many many more people can be inspired and encouraged, to take necessary steps to address this in their communities. May Allāh ﷻ reward you all and your efforts, and facilitate more means for our communities and open our hearts to understanding one another better.
Mansha Allah very helpful episode, may Allah bless you all.
Allahduillah well said imam and good Questions the sisters are asking.