12 Signs Of A Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother
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- čas přidán 20. 01. 2022
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My mom was intensely abused through her childhood, so I still feel bad for her, but she ruined my life, because I trusted her too much.
My mother treated me like furniture. It’s EASY to be a good parent after a shit one. You just do the opposite of what hurt you as a child. DO NOT excuse them. Would you repeat the cycle? Could you do to a child what was done to you! I say no way, not based on your post 🙏🏽❤️
Your Narcissistic Mother as a mother was probably very Jealous of You. So she didn't want you to be happy as a child or she didn't want you to feel good about yourself. Jealous Mother is something Awful and very danger to a child. Efrat.
Abuse history doesn't excuse abuse.
She is an abuser. Itsa sad cycle but people don't have to go that way.
My mom seems like a covert narcissist, but I can't wrap my head around how much she is even aware of it though.
I struggle with trying to get her to acknowledge things without her experiencing "narcissistic-injury".
Same here, my mother had a terrible time as a child and I know exactly everything that happened to her since I was her counsellor in my teenage years. My education was stolen by supporting her.
Riding the waves between sympathy/empathy and rage for how she treated me and my sister as a single mother is extremely hard to do. She was jealous of our talents and skills and our lives are significantly affected and sub par as a result.
Has empathy for others not for their kids... Passive aggressive, blames shames. Yes you have to be a mind reader, shows very little emotion, guilt trips. Kids are ungrateful wretches ✌️
The part about other children is so true!
@@emylygh1123 ❤Huh, if that’s how she feels let her deal with your mother 🤬
my mom always gossips and makes things a lot worse then they are
The fake laugh amongst her friends. Humiliating you in front of her friends.
Rude jokes then copying you... As someone else said.... The continued heart break is very real. 😢
It's so crazy how spot on this is. It's like you have personally met my mother. This type is so hard to explain to anyone. This is the first time in my 12 years of researching Narcissism that I have even heard this explained. You have no idea how seen and understood I feel right now. Thank you so much
You're not alone. Your feelings and observations are valid. Trust your gut and keep digging. You'll find your clarity in the oddness of the behavior.
My reply above (You're not alone. Your feelings and observations are valid. Trust your gut and keep digging. You'll find your clarity in the oddness of the behavior.) applies to you as well.
@@m.johnson9323 you are so right. Learning to trust myself has been the most challenging and rewarding journey of my life. Thanks for having a heart of gold 💛💛💛
ikr
You described everything about my mom and I am 40 years old and barely realizing that this is what's been happening my whole life
Don’t feel bad…I’m a decade older and just realizing it.
Same!
@@mamma1506 2 decades and the same - they get worse, much worse.
Same
You didn't have access to the amt of info tht exists today. I'm older than you. Trust me, it's on her and isn't your problem except she is doing g everything to cast blame on you. You weren't even born yet. You're here now..wiser and smarter. Be proud of yrself and WHO you are..steadfast, kind, and accountable, I'm guessing.
“Now as an adult, you don’t have a sense of safety.” …………….!
👏👏👍
I learned my mother is narcissist about 11 yrs ago. Major eye opener as to why she loves to keep people under her thumb financially. She has always been envious of females around her and covertly meddles in all her children's relationships, talking smack about the spouses behind their back then trying to befriending them once they break up so she doesn't look like the partial cause. Cant choose our parents 🤷♀️
I distance myself as much as I possibly can...and when I do visit, I regret it.
This is my mother to a T.. She always plays the victim, always gives the silent treatment, makes passive aggressive noises when she is angry, she always complains to people about me causing them to have a bad option about me and causing me trouble... I think the hardest thing a our dealing with my mother is she does not know how to not complain about me to other people and paint a bad picture about me event hough I have bent over backwards for her narcissistic needs. The more I learn about her years of narcissitic bwhavours the more I hate my mother
It sounds like you've dealt with a lot, and trying to be the good daughter has left you feeling this way. I could understand why you feel the way you do.
Please don't have room in your heart for hate. Have room in your mind for boundaries. When you're hungry, you eat to survive, in the same way, you have a mental health threat, you create boundaries to survive.
@@loopy7057 Word 💯
I've known my mother was a narcissist for 30 years. But this vulnerable and covert description fits her to a T. She would actually giggle when I would try to express my fears to her as a child. The more upset I got, the more power she felt. My mother was cruel to me. The world revolved around her until the day she died. Very few people understand how I felt about my mother. You learn to not disclose it, because most people have loving, selfless mothers and think there must be something wrong with YOU to think so poorly of your mother. They have no idea.
Yesssss My mother 83 old 😢
I am 59 now no contact for 6 months!
Always drama!
I’m 72 and the narcissist is 94…. The birthday gift I gave to myself two months ago…is space….i told her I need space and not to expect several daily calls…
Now….i can’t take her lying, manipulation, and the best is when she love bombs me and cries that she loves me so much….i keep myself from laughing in her face…
She asked me to tell her that i love her….i didn’t respond….then she demanded it again…and I didn’t respond…then she said out loud “look at this, you can’t even say that you love me”….to which I responded….you don’t treat me like this and then put an emotional gun to my head and demand that I tell you I love you.
I’m so disgusted by her and her behavior….and the thought of seeing her or a picture of her makes me sick….
She even said to me, “ when I’m no longer here, I don’t want you to have bad feelings about me”…how sick is that!….only someone who knows they e fucked up could say something like that.
Wow! Spot on. You just described my ex's mother and my ex. Always the victim, having to mind read for them, tantrums, everything. They're masters at guilt tripping and the silent treatment. It's always someone else's fault, never theirs. Never mind the action, it's always about your reaction. Always oh poor me. Always wants to be in charge, but not part of the decision making. Dodges accountability at all cost. Always the bearer of bad news.
Wow, now you're the one who is spot on, especially about avoiding making decisions. As long as someone else calls the actual shots or gets behind the wheel, she can wash her hands of any consequences.
@@andreawaibel3584 You're not alone. Your feelings and observations are valid. Trust your gut and keep digging. You'll find your clarity in the oddness of the behavior.
My mother is the classic vulnerable narc..she absolutely tortured me when growing up as a kid and its only now I am an adult and have children of my own that I realise the extent of her abuse..I have not seen or spoken to her for years only because I decided one day that no matter what I said or did I would not be good enough for her...she screwed me up bigtime and I hate her to the core......I tell my friends my mother is dead when they ask, to save myself the embarrassment of trying to explain my mother doesnt give a damned about me.
OMG This is my mom. I coudnt put my finger on it for years. Now seeing this. Its so clear. Thank you so much.
💕💕💕
You described my mom, that is exactly how she is.
This sounds exactly like my mum. I tried for many years to tell her something needed to change and that she couldn't continue her abuse of me (siblings too) but she ALWAYS played the 'I'm just crazy,I'm a POS parent' card every time. I tried leaving the door open incase she ever wanted to accept and admit what she did to us growing up but it drove me further and further into the ground and I'm now no contact. Love is never a reason to allow someone to continually break your heart. I hope everyone watching and reading this comment finds their peace and their Happy place 💖💖
“Love is never a reason to allow someone to continually break your heart” that part!
yes I feel so guilty blocking my mother because I want to get her out of religious abuse but she is abusive, pegs our siblings against eachother, makes up things behind other people’s back to get people angry to the point where they want to beat someone they don’t know up. She made up a story about how my dad would push when she was pregnant to try to turn me against my dad, then got my sister to attack me by making up stuff, she one time (that I know of) cut her finger with a kitchen knife, let it get infected and then tried to get the holiday’s to center around herself because of her infected finger but did nothing about it but let it get worse and worse and then claim nobody cared about her. When I was 8 she got in trouble with social services for whipping us with electric chords so she yelled at my dad for 4 years telling him he needed to be “disciplining” us more. Then when my older brother hit puberty, my mother would attack him and not let him leave the house so he pushed her out of the way so he could get out through the patio. My mother made my dad think that my older brother was “beating” her up, so my dad went nuts and started regularly beating my brother, me and my younger brothers. Then my dad got in trouble with social services and my mother pretended like she was a helpless sweet mother and victim of a crazy husband and bad children. She goes to church every other day and thinks she is the virgin mary, and she sexualizes me and my sister. She is psychologically and spiritually sexually abusive in that she is always focusing on me and my sister’s vagina. I was on the deans list when I went to collage and my working late in a computer lab. My mother basically accused me of being a whore and slut because I was out late and threw me on the street and I had to stay in a shelter for women of domestic violence. Both me and my sister had to stay in shelters. My sister got molested by my brother when she was 10 and my mother blamed my sister for being “promiscuous” (my sister was a ten year old girl) and almost threw her out of the house instead of taking responsibility for locking my younger brother and sister up in a room for so long. I’m writing this to remind myself why I blocked my entire family and never want to see them again, mainly because my mother tries to turn everyone against me and tell everyone I am schizophrenic and on drugs because I had a nervous breakdown when I was 17 and still living there. I have a horrible mother and I need to heal. Both my parents are professionals and make money so we have government social services come to our home several times but they never took us away because my parents had a nice home.
this is my mother. i have tried to confront her, even politely, but she doesn't hear it. also whenever i try to distance myself from her or am upset with her latest treatment toward me, family members say things like oh but that's your mother etc etc like i am the one in the wrong for not wanting to be surrounded by or accept her toxicity and abuse...
Yeah, they play victim it’s important to focus on you and your needs. ❤️
Don’t try to confront her because they never get it and will never change. The absolute main thing to do is to set clear protective boundaries for yourself. If your on the phone and she starts up then say you’ve got to go suddenly. Always meet at a neutral place so you can leave when you want to. Don’t ever get trapped by her. I am always vague and don’t go below surface level conversations because they use anything you say against you later.
Thank you for this. For decades I thought I was crazy and suicidal for thinking and feeling the things I do. My mother, the ultimate victim, is a hard read on the Narc scale. Went NC almost a year now. Talks like this, and people like you, give fuel for the long road ahead. Thank you so much.
29 yrs of marriage to a covert narcissistic wife, 2 daughters, now 26 and 18. Filed for divorce 6 no ago, the. 17 yr old daughter moved in with me. You nailed the behavior. As I was watching you my ex text’d my kid, she was crying. Many people don’t understand the emotional abuse all the victims go through. I thank you for opening up, and am sure you too have gone through what my daughters are going through. I thank you for the insights, it’s amazing how EXACT they are!
Wow. Best description of my mother I've ever heard.
You just nailed it, literally nailed it. This is so true. Just hearing this has triggered me. I genuilly dislike her, she disgusted me since I was born.
Livia Soprano is a PERFECT example of this kind of narcissist. Everyone should watch the first season of the Sopranos to see how destructive a vulnerable narc mom is like.
My mom has done all the above. .. she loves drama and always is gossiping about people many of wish I never knew. She never takes ownership for anything. Just a horrible human being.
Omg the mind reading crap🙄🙄🙄
My mom does this. It's always, "you pick." Then she gets pissy when you don't choose what she didn't tell you she wanted. And it's always sullen, quiet moppyness so she can't be seen as a rage monster. Just a victim of everyone else's lack of regard for her or failure to know her. She is such an asshole.
These are truly acursed people.
You just described my mother to a T, I don’t know if she is aware that she does it or if she thinks she is more entitled than the rest of us. Now she is elderly and my much older dad is getting less able to do his allotted chores, she is so angry about it - I know that she’s giving him a really nasty time.
I ’feel’ she desperately wants me to be helping a more. The really funny thing - sulking from a distance and expecting me to do something without her asking doesn’t work 🤣😆but I feel for my dad and want to scream when he says ‘poor mum she has to do everything’. She’s even trying to get social services out just because he can’t do his buttons up.
One thing though, she fits the profile for autism maybe yours does too? Not that it’s any excuse whatsoever for emotional blackmail.
These mothers are toxic 🤬
Yes! But seems only the scapegoat sees it and is affected by it the worst!
Absolutely spot on, it was like you're describing my mother to a tee! This makes me think they all play out of the same playbook!
100% my mother. She has never made a mistake in her life. She doesn't make decisions, she's just along for the ride and any problems are due to someone else. Also, as soon as I became an adult I became a competitor in her eyes.
I've recently found out about my mother as well and it's been fucking with me. She's manipulated me outta my savings by making herself the victim long story short the story she was telling me she was telling my siblings. I had a hunch since I started reading psychology books and learning about personalities but I never heard of a covert narc and was also in denial questioning my own sanity and the fact that the childhood trauma led me down drug use(not strung out without a job type no I've always worked and never asked my parents for shit more of the other way she's been in my pockets for over 5 years).
I had to move back in with them since literally was living paycheck to paycheck asked for help so I could save up and then I started to see it I haven't been able to save up shit she has all these problems she complains drain her bank acct and made me feel like I had to give her money made me feel hella uncomfortable until I forked out some money. The way she'd make my brother fight with her partner reminded me of my father and i.
After I found the 20k in her bank she asked me for help getting a refund on something and she acted hella weird when I saw that amount and when I told her I wasn't going to say anything even though my sister who has been asking us for financial help for a good while now and her dude don't wanna get a job had told me 2 years ago that she didn't need my help she was taking that and putting it in her bank acct. She suddenly became I'll and was dry heaving ran off to go throw up it looked fake af.
2 days later she started some drama then it turned into my brother and I about to fist fight (I just told them to mellow out it wasn't that serious) before finding her acct that same week I gave her 400 because she was bitching about my sister asking her for money and how she's going broke well 20k in the bank doesn't sound like she needed my 400.
Her partner hit me up saying I'm getting kicked out because all I've done is cost them money that he agreed to let me move in because she was paying my rent before coming here.
When I saved enough and was leaving I was going to beat his ass because of all she's told me about him and how he was with her and tbh during the time I've been here which ain't even a year I've had convos and beers with him and I thought he was a cool dude I watched him and idk he seemed different than the pos she painted him as so I hit him with what I've been told of him and that I would be kinda a dick because of what I was told that and she told me she was trying to get a second job elsewhere wirh some dude they mutually worked with same dude that started something and got my mom's partner transfered to another location and I caught dude calling her outside of work she told me that and that her dude was throwing a fit about her getting another job like he was being controlling and how she was trying to do that to better be able to help our sister and because she didn't have the financial means to do it but with 20k in one bank who knows about her other banks it seemed to me like she's cheating and dude teared up and was willing to show me his bank accts to prove he has been drained financially his mom had 13 kids and a fucked up a dad and he bucked up like your mom's never had anyone to support or protect her you guys have done nothing but kept her from living her life and I felt hella bad for him that's even thought about maybe paying him a little extra this month but he went and told her and now I'm the fucking bad guy.
I honestly feel like my father when he was trying to tell his side when they got divorced literally got me to fight my dad and I felt hella bad about it then I thought once I whipped his ass I'd feel better about the way he treated me which he's always apologized for he was homeless living in a baseball dugout I never offered him help felt he deserved it and would help her not even gave him a ride when he got outta surgery.
Last month I went to see him because I didnt want one of us to die and things be on a bad note and idk it kinda was nudging at me to play her games back because the way my dad acted to have heard and seen me again it felt like genuine love.
I relapsed shortly after piecing things together it's like my whole life has been a lie and my motivation and the thing that have me drive to want to succeed is fucking with me hard and I've been good for so long that it's fucking obvious to them that I've been high and she's using that to invalidate me or my credibility. It hurts especially seeing my brothers look at me like a liar I taught them 2 trades got them jobs bought them their main set of tools when they started working and covered them until their first paycheck.
It's like they forgot that I ain't lived at home for over 5 years and still was able to help them financially like they can't piece things together and filter out what don't add up or they're afraid of her.
Sorry to post a long ass story I just feel lost atm and will probably be sleeping in my car because I got played like a dumb fuck. I'm also feeling horrible about the way I was with my father. Her partner is low-key a bitch in my eyes rn for how he reacted but I felt like he needed to hear it same time I felt like I shouldn't have said anything the way he looked like he wanted to cry and like he bucked up as if he was defending his mother like he wasn't able to with her and was seeking redemption through my lovely human of a mother. Who I know has been talking with other mfs and I didn't say anything because i thought he was a bad dude.
I shoulda waited and gathered more undeniable evidence but my head was all fucked up when it dawned on me
She does everything youve talked about in this video
Nailed it! This was very informative and much appreciated! My mother is the perpetual victim and also an addict unfortunately who I recently, after 28 years of abuse, cut ties with. On my way to healing CPTSD and so grateful for people like you that put out content like this!
It’s so sad to see the comments that we’ve all grown up with this type of mother. I’m 32 and soon to be a mom of three boys and It’s taken me 30 years to even consider my mom has such narcissistic traits and then to stand firm with my boundaries. Thanks to your channel and at this point I don’t feel bad and will never feel bad again 👌🏽 I’m not responsible for her emotional support.
My mother played my brother off against me and told outright lies so that we would argue and she sat there, little madam innocent
So spot on! I have been trying to figure out my mother in-law. She has manipulated everyone around her and no one seems to notice it, just me alone.
Yea it’s hard to spot but hopes this helped in some way
Thank you so much for this. I haven't spoken to my mother since September 20th and because it's approaching Christmas, I was starting to feel guilty (I'm an only child), and I needed to hear this so that I don't crumble again and put my mental health last like I usually do.
Thank you for the video! Yes, mother always plays the victim. When I try to bring her up and tell her that shes not the most victimized person in the world. She was so pissed. I was like...whoa! why on earth someone wants to be a victim all the time. Bcz to me, being a victim takes your power away. We can be victims if we truly are, then we try to change for our own sake. But my mother can never get out of the victim role. I told her that she gives me the feeling that 1. she's exagerating, faking, etc. or 2. she's incompetent or stupid. You just can't always be the victim. She told me that I look down on her, I didnt deny. Take it this time mother!
My pleasure. Unfortunately for many mothers, that victim role gives them some kind of power, it's familiar. Self-hatred and victimization is due to shame. She plays the victim so she can say she's only trying her best and everyone just doesn't seem to care or understand. This does not make it okay though.
This is so spot on! Ppl who know the outside version of them would act like ur being hypersensitive. You described it exactly!!!!
We kids always knew when Mom was on the warpath. She would take out every pot and pan, claiming she was “looking” for the right one and the clash of those pans was bone jarring. May Dad call it the “Anvil chorus and all of us would lay low until it was over. The day of my late Dad’s funeral, she pull this stunt and I call her out and had it out with her.
You are the first one I've listened to that really gets it... the whole thing about her really believing she's the victim... I mean, she REALLY believes it, she's always the victim or the hero, anything you try to tell her gets turned back around to her... anything you try to address is never her fault because you just don't understand her situation and her intentions were pure, how could you ever think she was hurting you? She believes it so much and needs that attention so much that I really believe that, while her actions are intentional, she doesn't realize exactly what she's doing or how she comes across... its like it's instinctual and not something she thinks about or even CAN think about. And you can't ever tell her because she WILL NOT listen. She is NEVER the problem... she conveniently forgets things that she did that were harmful or wrong and everyone else is to blame for anything that goes wrong, especially if SHE thinks SHE was wronged.
I just... I do love her. I'm just so tired of the gaslighting and the drama and the yelling and the mind games and I honestly think she doesn't realize she's doing it... I think she feels her control slipping, but rather than recognizing consciously that that's what's going on, she feels like it's her kids' fault she's having issues and lashes out.
One of my sisters has already gone no contact. I'm currently low contact. One brother just shoves it in her face head on... but he went no contact with her for almost 8 years so I think she's afraid he might do that again and so she actually kinda listens to him... (keyword: kinda...)
It's just so complicated and tangled and messy... and I get frustrated when I try to explain it to people because so many have told me they think she is fully conscious and aware of what she's doing and is purposely doing it to hurt everyone around her and... I know that's not fully the case... its more involved than that and I'm sure there is quite a bit of it that, while it's intentional, its almost subconscious (I have no idea if that makes sense...) like she doesn't recognize what it is even though she knows what she's doing?? (Again, I have no idea if that makes sense...)
The whole thing is confusing
My mother to a T she really believes it to the extent that she hears the opposite of what I’m saying. I still love her too and she has her good side but the bad side prevails and now she’s elderly and getting over demanding / thoughtless towards people outside the family as well.
My brother is used to clash with her but now they’re like polite strangers and she’s afraid of ‘loosing’ him so ‘behaves’ but his new wife thinks both my parents are self centred and self absorbed and wants nothing to do with them - and me by dint of association 🤔 But frankly she seems a bit of a narc herself, brother can’t get away from it that easily! Confusing indeed and tangled as hell.
The levels of victim hood & guilt my mother imposed on her son was so tremendous & he still feels it even though she’s dead 3 years now
Another thing with my covert narc mom is she wanted all of her kids to be a certain kind of profession that was actually her own goal because she thinks it's high income and high status. To avoid her toxic reaction I pretended like I was interested, then just said I didn't get in.
Just a whole host of toxic behavior. Weaponizes all personal information. Gaslights. Manipulates. Makes stuff up. Sweeping assumptions, false judgments, and accusations based on no information or understanding. Projects her own flaws and insecurities onto other people. Spreads rumors, gossip, innuendo, and lies. Baits. Acts up for pretextual reasons. Passive-aggressive. Very weird about money. Loves to fish around for people’s financial information (loves to measure people by money and income levels). Transactional relationships. Always something “wrong” with somebody else. Poor self-awareness. No accountability. Emotionally reactive, but will shame other people’s emotions. Doesn’t reflect on how her toxic behavior affects other people (other person’s reaction/lack thereof to their toxic behavior is something “wrong” with that person, which will be weaponized against them). Very good at lining up the flying monkeys against somebody else and trashing people behind their backs.
My #1 rule is to give zero information to her. She'll still make stuff up, but it's hard to misquote, mischaracterize, or weaponize silence.
so true, from a son's and ex-partner of a narc's perspective.. all the best to you !!
That’s my mom.. she had a great childhood, great loving parents, but super permissive, probably that’s why she’s like this.. My parents had the most dysfunctional relationship for 18 years. They were both addicts and my father was extremely violent towards my mother. They finally got divorced years ago. We always had too much information about their relationship. We were always present during the fights and the violence. I understand what she endured, but since they got divorced, my mother blames us for still wanting a relationship with our father, she constantly reminds us of our trauma, but neglects to admit she played any part in it ( like the shit she put us through because of the drugs, or the relationship she had after my father with a guy who was abusive towards my younger siblings). For years she was indeed a victim, but now get this. My younger sister is 22 now. She has two toddlers and I recently found out that her fiancé hits her on the regular. He’s been abusive from the start of their relationship. My sister only told my mother at the time and her advice was “you decided to get pregnant, now you have to deal with it”..
I only found out recently, when my kid sister called me crying because he had punched her and kicked her and she couldn’t walk. And then she told me that mom knew for years and still pushed for them to move abroad. So now she lives in a completely different country, where she knows no one, doesn’t speak the language and can’t work, with two babies and a very abusive partner.
I confronted our mother, in my opinion we should go get my sister and the babies and help her leave for good. “She shouldn’t leave him now, he just found out his dad has cancer, poor thing”.. what the actual hell. My answer was “I couldn’t care if his whole family had just died, the minute he laid hands on my sister he is dead to me, and she should leave before things get worse.” Her answer?
“He’s much better than your father ever was. Yes your sister got hit, but we have to understand the context.”….. THE CONTEXT?! This coming from a woman who knows what it feels like to be abused for years. When I gave her my perspective, and said “because you endured abuse - and so did your children, it doesn’t mean my sister and her babies should go through that”
Ooof…The hell that rained down on me. The blaming, the shaming, the constant deflection. “Oh I always knew you never forgave me for some things! You must think your dad is an angel! You even received him at your house and hugged that bitch girlfriend of his!”… and then the victimisation “you really must think I’m a shit mother, I can’t speak to you anymore, I’m crying in my bed and I just want to go to sleep” 😑
Saddest thing is that this worked on us for years.. “sorry mom, I didn’t mean it mom”.
My sister is still in her abusive relationship, she somehow lets my mom get to her, I don’t know what to do anymore..
Omg this is my mother its taken me 45 years to figure out it began with her. So co dependant trauma bonded and now that I've called her out she acts as if I'm just a burden says I'm boring a dull and talks shit lies and plays victim. I have lost everyone my husband my brother my best friend and now my mother is just viciously attacking me and so oroyd of herself.
She get me so often to a state where my blood boils and i got angry. She exactly know how to make me angry and when i get loud she blame shame and that the whole house hears me etc. Its horror with such sick Individuals. They have always this extreme negativ energy Sucking vibe
Makes sense as she is triggering you. She installed your buttons, healing means learning how to regulate your nervous system and detaching from her.
I have been in therapy for about a year and a half. I thought narcissists were like Gaston from Beauty & the Beast, so when my therapist brought my attention to this issue I was FLOORED. I always thought extreme self sacrifice was just something normal every kid did for their mother.
After all this therapy I am only just starting to really be able to let go of what I thought I was going to have as a relationship with my mother. My mother had a bad relationship with my grandmother and she would always say her greatest fear was for us to not have a relationship. So I tried my whole life to do and be what she wanted to not have that fear become a reality.
Being able to shift and have empathy for her childhood suffering, while keeping my distance has been a CHALLENGE. The frightening thing is changing the whole idea of who I thought I could "EARN" if I was just "Good enough" and behaved well enough.
I'm only now coming to the reality of what IS. I still hold out hope things will change, she'll get help and we'll have SOME kind of real relationship. I don't WANT to have to have no contact with her. But she has 2 therapists she refuses to confide in and she is comfortable in her disorder.
I struggle with feeling like a bad daughter because I couldn't love her our of her insecurity or her trauma. I'm even nervous typing all of this as if she will somehow come across it and I'll "get in trouble" I'm 44 years old and FINALLY starting to take steps to have a true life of my own
It's scary and exciting But this channel has brought a lot of comfort in not feeling alone. Thank you for everything ♥
great comment
My mother gives me the silent treatment on a regular basis. I most of the time have no idea why! Once I knew because I told her NO. She is older now and has played the " I'm old, you have to come take care of me card" ... most recently she had hurt her knee and went to a care facility for 4 days. She was checked out by a psychologist for dementia, she scored 14 out of 15. That means she is perfectly fine cognitively! Well, she acted as if she has dilerium. Of course I was the only one she told absolutely crazy stories to. When I called the care facility and spoke to several nurses, receptionist, and social worker, they all said she spoke very normally. I was the only one that heard the crazy stories! And I do mean CRAZY. I was believing she was going crazy. After speaking to everyone at the care facility I knew then this was all an act to see if I would move 3 states away to move in with her. Little does she know I had been recording all of our conversations! I have it recorded! When I brought this to her attention, the silent treatment was administered post haste. I do feel a bit guilty as she is getting on in age , she is 76 . How do I deal with the guilt of going no contact?
Oh the silent treatment. Here's a video I made on guilt: czcams.com/video/yxS24lSmrv0/video.html
Please don’t feel guilty , please don’t ! I have a Narcissist Sociopath For a Mom and She’s tried her best to destroy Me and make My life a living Hell ! She has hated Me since I was born I moved out of State last Summer and I text Her 2 times a week just to say Hello ! I could care less about Her ! I hate the Demons that are in Her ! I feel absolutely no guilt ! She will not Win ! They seek to destroy Your Beautiful Spirit ! It is good verses Evil ! It will not bother Me when she dies , I’m 63 , She’s 85 ! She’s Evil ! The Bible tells Us to hate Evil ! I hate the Evil that is within Her ! Please don’t feel guilt , that’s what they want !
My mother uses different tactics. If I tell her something I've started doing in my life, say for example, I started running around the block in the morning, all of a sudden she starts running too and the next time I see her she tells me all about how well it's going for her and asks me how my running is going. If I say I haven't been doing it as much as I hoped she will tell me how good it is for me because look what it's doing for her, she'll give me advice on what I could do better and she will text me most days asking if I've been for a run as if I need someone holding me accountable or something. It was me who decided to start in the first place. She's done this multiple times with different things and it really makes me not want to tell her stuff as I feel like she's highjacking MY thing, making it a competition then gets on my back about it like she's encouraging me? Its weird behaviour but I can't seem to find anything that suggests what disorder it's a part of..
Also, she doesn't like anyone, I mean anyone, even family members and she doesn't like it when I spend time with other people. She uses guilt trips when I mention I've been to see a relative; "You went to see them but you haven't been to see me.", so I feel like I can't go see other people without also making sure to go see her too or I have to hide it from her. I'm so tired of it.
I'm supposed to be going on a trip to Italy soon. Shes not invited as im going with my daughter and it's payed for by my older brother (who isn't her kid). Instead of being happy for me, as it will be my first time going anywhere outside my country, she started saying things like: "I thought you wanted to travel alone?", "You know I was really sad you didn't want to go to Scotland anymore." - We have been planning to go together and I didn't say I didn't want to go, "Oh to have a rich brother, I would definitely take the opportunity". I ended up having to justify myself instead of being happy and excited about going..
SPOT ON! Verbatim! im out of here! Suspected she was a narcissist since i was nine and first started having thoughts of self deletion.❤ I cant thank you enough!!!
This was great, you said it all including the fact it's so hard to find people who will not try to make excuses for the abuse, which just heaps more guilt on the victiom
Nobody believes me when I told them.
OH MY GOD, THE ACCURACY OF SUCH VALIDATION 🥲
Thank you for making the video. I admire your strength and courage. Having a narssistic mother and being her scapegoat for decades has been a very painful, life-long agony. Friends and relatives who have not a clue usually tell me, "No matter what, she is still your mother. She raised you and is a very nice person. So, continue to be nice and serve her well, and you will get good reward from God for that." Really!! However, I can't blame them, as they may be narcissistic or a victim of narssistic mother themselves. Narssistic personality disorder should be declared as global epidemic!! Unfortunately, there's no cure, nor vaccines for the prevention!
Thank you for watching!
I’m 41 years old and just realized a few years ago that my mother is a narcissist. I’m been listening to you for a few months now and just love it. Hearing this breaks my heart but also reminds me that I’m not crazy. My husband is my biggest supporter. We talk all the time. Him and my aunt always told me how my mom was and how she treated me but for awhile I didn’t believe it. I literally felt like it was me and I was wrong. I’ve been reading a lot about daughters with narcissistic mothers. It helps a lot. I actually been thinking about writing a book about my mother and our relationship
I’m so happy for you that you have a supportive husband all my friends stop calling me because they tired of hearing my pain so I’m really alone dealing with narc sister and mom
100% describes my mother. I just recently found out about NPD this year and it opened my eyes to what she really is. The self-doubt and gaslighting that was inflicted on me was horrible. To the point that I neglected myself and my husband in order to cater to her needs. Even if you do everything for them, it's never enough.
Since researching about NPD and watching videos like this, I've become more enlightened. I still have a long way from healing but at least I'm in a better frame of mind now. I can't go no contact but I'm being more indifferent to her "drama". I also threatened to leave her if she goes on with her shitty attitude. I think that shook her up because she doesn't bother me as much anymore.
I understand everything you explained in this video because I’ve seen all of this behavior in my family. They can be very damaging to their children and grandchildren if they don’t understand or aren’t aware that this behavior is narcissistic/toxic. It’s great that your shedding light on this type of narcissism so hopefully people that are experiencing this can create boundaries and not become emotionally damaged by it
Yep, this is my mother...
This DEFINITELY sounds like my mother. Thank you for the confirmation. 🙏
Has anyone dealt with this mother literally trying to steal your own identity from you and not allowing you to act as yourself anymore because it shows that they're faking it and you're real? Example, taking up the same hobby as you and not allowing you to talk about it any more because every time you bring up something they don't know, they fly into a destructive rage and accuse you of putting them or their hobby down...
Yes! My mother takes up the same hobby as me as soon as I tell her about it! She doesn't go into a rage if I talk about it but she will act like she knows better than I do and try to give me advice that I didn't ask for and she'll text me to see if I've been keeping up with it, if I haven't she'll be on my back about it trying to "encourage" me to keep going. It's so weird! On the outside it looks like she just wants to be involved but it feels like she's trying to compete with me.
Yep, that was my mother.
Two incidences this reminds me of:
When I began a second, full time job and I said to her, “Please don’t have any emergencies.” I was working 100 hours/week and commuting 4 hours/day. Of course, one of her 3 cats has an emergency and, when I told her to take it to the emergency vet, she flipped and said, “I’m not doing that.” So, I had to drop work and take them. The cat died while we waited in the waiting area. Although it probably had to do with anemia, from flea infestation, I could not help but to also feel something else happened as, that cat was more of a free spirit, than the others. I later made sure she never even received that cat’s ashes.
The other thing was that she wanted me to start doing things, for the sole proprietorship she took over, when her 3rd husband died. But, when I’d ask her what, there was never an answer. There were a lot of things I think she wanted me to do. But, I’d already built the website for the business and, during the recession, I was just trying to remain fed and sheltered. But, she wanted me to drop all that (while she insinuated I wasn’t really even looking for a job) and work for the business, which paid $0 and would’ve been a financial burden. Not doing so, because my priorities were in order, made her angry. Oh well. Better that she was angry, than for me to lose everything.
It's taken me a long time to realize that my mum used my dad and us kids to get attention. My mum wanted people to feel sorry for her, to be given lots of sympathy, for people to react to her 'kicked puppy' routine and rush in trying the help her. The problem been that my mum never took any action on anything anyone ever suggested to her.
To give you context, my dad, sister, brother and I all had these odd, weird symptoms. A rash on our skin, blood shot eyes, strange fevers and a tendency to get cold easily. Anyone who spot us kids in particular, wondering about with a rash, would immediately go to my parents, asking if we're ok.
My registered nurse of a mother would then immediately re-assured them that we were fine and that she was a nurse, and no one knew what caused the rash. Which was true enough since my Dad put some effort of trying to figure it out. My mum however made no effort whatsoever to figure anything out which is somewhat baffling since as a nurse she had the best and easiest access to all sorts of contacts, medical texts, doctors, specialist and people who might have at least been able to provided us with clues.
It's taken me years to understand that she didn't want it diagnosed and treated because surrounding herself with these rash covered people got her attention she otherwise wouldn't get. I was nearly in my 30 before my brother finally came up with a rare chronic illness, Muckle-Well Syndrome.
Yeah they will do that 😔 that’s an awful experience. I’m sorry you’ve gone through that. Hope you’re focusing on your healing and family.
I feel so seen. I can finally make sense of my life.
Wow spot on💯
Evil world we live in. Where kind people seen as weak and targets.
Describes my daughters mother 100%
So glad i found your channel. Yes, this is my mother.
This is my mom to a T. Literally everything was her and then some.
Wow this was so eye opening thank you
I've tried ignoring her(mom) negative unloading, complaining, treats me like a child yet I've lived on my own since 18, I'm now 50. I've gone to only text, no more phone calls as she yells over me. The pity party when I'm dissabled 4 years now but i never complain about it yet I am expected to look after a fully functional, very healthy, high energy woman. I've gone no contact for a week, if she breaks my boundries, it's now 2 weeks, etc.
I was on a positivity only vacation and she sends me my friends obituary so i upped it to 2 weeks no contact. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle with her. I'm 50 she's 78. Help. Any suggestions. My health is failing further from her negativity. I just dont have the heart to go full out no contact and the grey rock method doesn't work.
You know what to do…distance is your best friend….move far away. I moved across country and that was a miracle burden relief.
Grey rock does work! If you don’t have much to say…and say “I don’t have much to say” she will get bored and go away or get use to you not texting or answering her
I've have needed this clarity for my whole life. Wanting to go bo contact again but feeling guilty as I am nit sure if mom is a narc or a real victim. Thank you so much
Absolutely spot on.
great video, thank you. You hit a lot of overarching themes but what I really appreciated was some of the finer details and insight into how the narcissistic mother is formed in upbringing, etc.
This is my mother in law exactly. Thank you for making videos like this. It helps people like me show our spouses the signs and gives us a common language.
This video was incredible, I've been looking into this topic for a few weeks now and this video covers and explains her behavior the best. It's like you've met her yourself.
I’m glad it helped!
This is so mindblowingly spot on - all these patterns were a huge part of my sister's and my upbringing. Finally understanding the underlying reasons. Thank you so much!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so much for this! It's such an important topic.
Thank you for watching!
Brilliant narative. Yes, you have described all our mothers. That is why we are here at your channel.
I wish I had known about it at least 40 years ago.
Well said 😢
My mum is a text book narc, so much so they should do a study on her. She is 84 now, alone and my two brothers want nothing to do with her. I moved to another country when I turned 20 and I’m 63 now, I call mum every week ( let her do all the talking ) and visit when I can . I was the golden child .. What I don’t understand is how she became this way . Her parents, my Nan and granddad where the best nurturing grandparents in the world , in fact they basically raised my brother and I as mum was in and out if hospital with a nervous breakdown Sp they called it , she even had a lobotomy operation. I wonder if that did it . But from what I have heard she was like this when she married my dad at 19 . They split up when I was 12 and my step dad was wonderful but a doormat to my mother, he did anything to keep the peace .
I have such mixed feelings towards my mother from thinking she isn’t that bad to being amazed at how cruel, unsympathetic and always the victim.
Everything you said was spot on. Thanks for making this video I thought I was crazy.
You’re not at all!
Wow! The algorithm prevails. It’s so easy to talk yourself out of believing it when they manifest so differently. She has me out here gaslighting myself 😅
Described my mother exactly.
Great work. Thank u for this video. Its too hard to watch for me. It makes me so sad but also finally explains my whole life confussion. Wish me luck.
Good luck!
❤❤❤ great video
Thank you
Brilliant 🙏 I found Jesus. He's the best counsellor. Turn to Jesus he's the only way to break these spiritual curses. 🙏😊💕
That’s EXACTLY like my mother
My narcissist mother goes in and out of being the vulnerable to grandios narc. It depends on who she is with, around are wants. She would triangulate I and my siblings with it. She would act all vulnerable with my brothers for sympathy with lies about my sister and I. Just blatant lies to them for money, attention, etc. All while she was being a hateful covert demon to us behind closed doors. It took us secretly recording videos on our phones of her lying, and belittling us to get it. Myself, my sister and my oldest brother are no contact with her. Our youngest brother still talks to her to his on detriment. He moved in with her and tried to off himself twice since. My mother is the most wicked person that I have ever known. She goes to church four are more times a week, she hops from church to church all while being devilish. I used to say I love my mother but I just don't like her. I can't even say that much now. Truth is I never really ever had a mother, just a woman who gave birth to me and could never truly love me. I have excepted that and I am finally free.
Thank you for sharing. I am glad you've gotten to the other side and focusing on yourself.
@@thehealingdaughter Thank you!
Unbelievable huh?
Why are so many mothers evil… including mine? I just don’t get it! Aren’t your kids more than objects to you??
So true 💔
Wow, YES!
U re brilliant. Tks and love!
Thank you so much!
Yep. You got it, beautiful lady.
Even worse, this is my partner’s ex-wife, and his children’s mother. Watching a 13 year old child be treated this way by someone who is supposed to be her PROTECTOR is heartbreaking. She’s with us nearly full-time now, which of course has amplified all of this; but most of the time, we can keep her safe, at least.
Thank you for posting this - it makes identifying covert narcissists so much clearer, since they are so good at gaslighting and triangulation.
My mom is definitely a covert narcissist. I think her childhood trauma is different, she had to grow up fast after losing her dad & her mom was diagnosed with MS and became bed ridden. She got her drivers license legally at 14 bc she had to do everything. So I think she gets a high out of being praised for the things she does, but she also dealt with burn out. Growing up my siblings and I heard nearly on a daily basis: “I wish I would just die and get it over with”. She frequently used guilt to get what she wants, along with fear and anger. She was never a soft place to fall for me after the age where I could take care of myself. I was told to get over my issues, they weren’t serious or important. She has also been jealous of me, which is so weird. She’s a right fighter even when she’s wrong. She’d argue to the death that the sky is purple 24/7 before EVER being humble or sorry. I’ve seen her pupils dilate in anger so large it was like staring into the abyss, it’s very scary. I finally went no contact at 50 years old. She can get her supply somewhere else, I’m done with that circus. But I’m still processing everything that has lead up to now.
A recent covert gf did not create any trauma. She exposed it. Mom was gf. Gf was mom. It's like mom sent gf instructions from the grave on how to act and what to say. So much identical behavior right down to having swingers as friends and acting surprised when sharing it. One thing I learned was if a covert says anything, it's wrapped in lies and meant to harm. They have no ability to hold a conversation. Mostly one liners.
My foster mother was just like that 💔
I am 42 and the guilt trip, love bombing, always the victim is my mother! I am just sart to really understand where it is all coming fromand it really makes sense. I have started putting boundary in place over the past few years and it has been very difficult. A lot of guilt has resulted and I am trying to move past it. I would love to know more about this type of covert narcissism. She has quite the mask with everyone else and I have often felt crazy because of it. Second guessing my reality and replaying scenes as if I could have made them up. Are there any good resources you recommend?
You've described my maternal grandmother. No wonder my mom is a mess (narcissist). Well, all her sibs were/are various types of mess.
But lately I've been thinking about a paternal aunt. She had recovered from TB and was doted on/infantilized by everyone in the family. She was everyone's beloved saintly savior in this sick (capital I) and, additionally, physically dangerous (my dad) Ital-Amer fam. She'd be the first one up early mornings to cook us all breakfast and send us off to school (we lived in a kind-of 'compound', where aunts were second mothers, uncles were emotionally/physically absent, and cousins were sibs). She'd make up lies to protect me from my dad.
My mother called her The Martyr. As a child, I hated that, but now I'd say that she was correct. I digress...
All of us cousins had a 'special friend' cousin where shenanigans went on behind barns, in garage attics, behind abandoned chicken coops, etc. Her son, 5y my elder, was mine.
Here's the huge recent realization part: He was the high school baseball star, and come graduation time, was awarded a scholarship to a very prestigious school (forgot where). She took me aside one evening, sobbing in extreme duress, and begged me to convince him not to go. She said he'd listen to mE...
_sighing, thinking about it_ So yeah, I did. After all, I'd've missed him terribly as well and, so, he never went. I think he went to the local community college instead.
Lately, in a complete NC situation with ALL family and gradually healing, I'm wondering... what kind of woman throws a 12-13yo girl to the wolves like that?! Fully knowing inappropriateness was going on, and using it... me... to prevent her son's fulfillment in life, to meet *her* needs!
I'd like thoughts. This is so weird. She wasn't Mother Mary personified???
Oh my gosh…
😮 this is LITERALLY my mom! Wow.
😩
What do they pass on to us? I need to work these things out 😢
You can look at narcissistic traits. There are books by Karyl McBride that may help. Will I Ever Be Good Enough and Will The Drama Ever End