Top 3 Mistakes Daughters Make Setting Boundaries With Narcissistic Mother
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- čas přidán 10. 11. 2022
- Here are the top 3 mistakes and what you can do instead.
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Disclaimer: The advice and opinion are not intended to replace professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health providers with any questions regarding your condition.
Although, it breaks my heart to see so many daughters suffering, I'm so grateful I'm not alone. Thank you everyone. ❤
My mom would give me the silent treatment and then go on social media and post passive aggressive comments and memes to make her point. But she won’t talk to me or have an adult conversation. She also goes around telling everyone that I was disrespectful for setting boundaries and those same people would act funny towards me.
Yeah, they will do that to make you look bad. I hope you're focusing on yourself.
Time to move away from those people. Another suburb at least an hour away ensures you have less of a chance to run into thise people during your daily activities. Also remove them from social media. This worked for me.
I don't care what she thinks of me anymore and that's complete freedom for me.
Yes!
I don’t care, I want to disconnect, but I’m just not able yet.
@@StrugoalfamTV me too she lives downstairs so i do see her
I set boundaries with my mom and she responded “oh something else I can’t do!” While rolling her eyes.
And what did you do or say?
What did you say?
That’s a manipulative guilt tactic to make you stop standing up for yourself
In my opinion, it’s best to just continue to state your preferences and not react to her guilt provocations..stand your ground.
Yeah sounds familiar. My mom bemoaned them and called them "rules." I explained - again - what boundaries actually are. No response
The last time she told me I was too sensitive my response was "and you're not sensitive enough" that was big for me.
Heck yes!
the energy of this!!!!
👏
Thank you for your direct approach to setting boundaries with a narcissist mother. So often therapists tell you to set boundaries without giving examples.
Ditto!! It's immensely helpful to hear concrete examples.
Thank you!!! I’m 56 but needed this wisdom a ton of years ago! Glad you got it at a younger age. I’m using all this wisdom now :)
I was really surprised to hear that you aren’t in the field - you’re very knowledgable. If you ever think about going back to school in anything psychology related I think you’d be great! Few professionals are specialized enough to know to discern NPD especially in mothers when it’s covert/vulnerable, and they come in with convincing sob stories looking for justification to blame their own children/other family. We need people with personal experience who are familiar with the minutia of these disorders first-hand. Regardless, thank you for the videos!
Thank you! 🙏
@@thehealingdaughter No don’t go back to school, they will school out ur intuitive talent in this area
I second that. ❤
No contact worked for me! I found out via social media of her death and I wasn’t sad just relieved
Thank you young lady! I wish I would’ve set real boundaries in my twenties as well, but I’m just starting to realize these things at 46 😢 Now dealing with regret of wasted time.. being a rebel daughter while still trying to please my mom. Either way.. better late than never. ❤🙏🏼
Once in a while i find myself returning to this video to help myself and not go insane. Thanku for this video.
Glad to hear that 💗
At your age, I wish I had been as assertive as you are, because I put up with a lot of crap, including letting my narcissistic mother interact with my children. You're doing great work! Boundaries are what save us from narcissistic people.
Considering you are not a psychologist you level of understanding and knowledge around this issue is beyond! Really appreciate you sharing your experience and opinion 😊
Omg…omg…I’m in tears. I needed this.
So basically stick to your guns when it comes to your boundaries and don't give a shit about what your mom has to say about it... Lol I like it 👍
She responded everyone walks on eggshells around you and if someone does something wrong you punish them… I’m stuck so I found this video
Girl do you know my mother personally? Lol! You describe her perfectly!!! Thank you for your videos!
Probably! 😅
Has anyone used a successful wham-line in response to a babyish, "why are you being so mean"? My last response was, "oh, is this the playground?", and she took it so badly.
My mother loves to control me through intimidation and/or ignoring me until I do what she says.
She always has something to say about the clothes I wear, my body, my makeup, and especially about the way I want to approach my relationships.
I'm turning 22 and admittedly still live under their roof (I just graduated and still have to take my licensure examinations) but the way she treats me as an extension of her isn't healthy to my health anymore.
I love the direct boundary of don’t criticize me or I will stop talking with you. My boundary has been stop being abusive or I will distance. But my mom doesn’t see it as abusive because she thinks she’s just expressing her hurt feelings and may be overreacting at times. I’ve even tried using words like toxic, dysfunctional, passive aggressive, or mean but she just points to finger back at me. She wants me to just forget her behavior and move on, because most the time she’s positive, but I’ve already said I can’t take it anymore. So the new boundary was to get treatment or help with her alcoholism and mental illness (BPD) so she can learn to communicate in a healthier way, but all she says is I am lecturing and criticizing. So if I can’t get her to acknowledge it’s abusive, how will she ever respect the boundary? I guess she can’t or won’t.
Thank u so much for this as my mother and I are caught in a loop as she still does not respect me, my time or my life and I’m being given silent treatment. It makes me hate myself less so thank u so much xxx glad I found your page xxx
I'm at the point where the sound of her voice triggers me😢
Same
If she even coughs or breathes loudly (and she does a lot), I feel like punching a wall. And I'm not a physically or verbally violent person who has ever or will ever lash out, so the anger feeling is really frightening and unpleasant.
@@pendafen7405 I hear you! For me it's also when she's being " nice " eg offers food (like most Asian mum's do) something physical happens to my body .. I hate that feeling
Same here but my abusive father's voice is even worse
Thank you 🙏🏼 Your video is perfect timing today. Hugs from Australia 🦘
"I DON'T REACT, I RESPOND!"🤯❤
🙌🏽
Love your real life examples of how to deal with narcissistic mothers. My mom gave me a framed photo of myself at age 11 for Christmas, weirdest gift I'd ever gotten...I think she wants me to be that abused little girl again who knows no better than to appease her by being the scapegoat. It's really hard to avoid family events as my father passed away, so my mom's family is all I've got. But I am grateful to myself for the inner parenting work I have done to heal my inner child wounds, and am capable of having civil conversations with them now while retaining my boundaries.
Similarities in the "best you/age" because that's when emotional boxing gloves were put on and the first blows were thrown😮💨🧐💭
My parents gave me a picture of myself when I was 19, if I am not mistaken. This happened a year ago, when I was 28. It was a very sudden present at the beginning of October. They are aware that I do not like that photo, but I guess they wanted to make a point.
Both of them are overly controlling people. They are threatening me with some legal stuff that I have no idea about. Any my decision, to their mind, has to be run by them. Since I live abroad and I changed the way we communicate(plainly speaking, because I have noticed that they are literally making up things about me and I cannot control this, I decided to go full-on text messaging), they think that my partner has changed me and holds me in a basement while answering to them in my language(he is from a different country as well). So yeah. I kinda see where the first commentator is coming from while talking about their photography situation. I think they(parents) want to show a moment when we were the best for them.
And this is just sad, because in those moments we probably were not doing great at all.
This is so timely. I’m in counseling right now and boundary setting and making a plan came up. I finally said I have no desire to do any of this! So I’ve kept the no contact but of course my mom did an unannounced drive by to drop off a gift for the kids almost 3 days late. Still, if I ever decide to open communication again these are such great tips I’ll use.
I've never listened anything so accurate and I even 😂
R.e. the silent treatment, this is a reciprocal cycle I always get caught in with both my parents. They do it to me, or I find myself doing it to them when I don't feel listened to, because they don't allow space for their own or for my emotions. Also, I have low-needs ASD as does my father, and my mother and grandmother have codependency/NPD, which makes communication harder for me in any event. So my relationships with my parents while functional are not healthy, and there's too much pressure on me as the only person in the family who's had therapy to address the issues honestly all by myself.
I relate to this, also neurodivergent same with my father (though undiagnosed)...it makes us more vulnerable to manipulation because we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I learned somewhere that our amygdalas are actually bigger than neurotypical people which means we have a greater capacity to feel empathy. I understand the feeling of being the only one who heals, even in my extended family system, but it's clear that all of us doing this work are living healthier lives and not perpetuating the toxic generational cycles.
I relate SO hard to this, dude. It feels like having to be the savior when you aren't even equipped to help yourself yet, because you're looking at the dynamic with fresh eyes and trying new ways of being assertive. I hope you come to a place of peace for yourself.
@@PIPFinalFilmProject bestie I resonated with your words too. 'Looking at the dynamic with fresh eyes' is IT that's the block!!! You get it 🤝same wishes to you my friend, and thank you for the kind words. Let's focus on healing ourselves and getting free, as a community
“I have to listen to some Audio stuff for work so I’ll be driving alone today”
“It stresses me out to discuss these things so I’ll have to talk about it another time”
“I need to spend some time in prayer so I’ll have to go alone” … practicing
Yeah when my mom asked me why I don't text her back right away, I said "Sometimes I don't respond to messages right away, I take my time as I have a busy schedule."
I rather just not be bothered because they are super draining! Always negative and it’s again draining. I speak to mine once in a while and life is so much better! ❤
I loved this and think I need to have it playing whilst I sleep!!!
Just hearing the 20 ways to respond and how it’s so formulaic- we need to be on auto pilot if we get the manipulative responses.
Thank you ☺️
It all makes sense and intellectually agree. But I feel like I cant handle the emotional anxiety associated with her reaction. I dont understand why, but Ive always been desperate for her validation and to proove to her that Im good. So frustrating!!
And you may not be able to, hence learning how to self-regulate first would probably make more sense. Done so in itsy bitsy increments 💗also the proof that you’re good May have started at a very young age and it may be deeply ingrained but it makes total sense why. Self-regulation and then you can focus on setting your boundaries.
I have been down on myself for for finding it so difficult not to get sucked in but it was explained to me that my neurons have been trained to be this way since I was a baby and changing your brains takes time and effort. This is why so many need to avoid contact altogether. The good news is that the brain is plastic, not fixed, and you can change those neural pathways. I still find it difficult but am improving.
Yup! Dead on! My mom's the "you're too sensitive" group, among other things.
This is a fantastic video. After years of enduring her saying mean things about my dad (they’re divorced) every time we talked (my dad is my best friend) I told my narcissistic mother I would no longer be speaking to her if she continues to bad mouth half of me. Her response to my boundaries? “shut up!” And then she hung up on me. She died a few months later. It was the first time I had the strength to set a boundary with her but I would get migraines whenever she talked about my dad.
May God bless you for creating this channel! This video was well needed.
Nailed it 🙌 Thank you for your knowledge, courage and strength ❤️
Thank you so much!
Beautifully said!!! I really like the examples of how to handle all those scenarios. Very helpful. Thank you ❤
My pleasure!
Yes, last time I set a boundary, I felt I was the child and I was the mother. Completely weird but the only way it works with them.
Thank you SO MUCH! I really needed this. This has given me so much peace!
Sooo accurate omg! 😮 however whenever I say I will not do X if you continue to do X, she says im threatning her and goes into rage
“If that’s the way you see it”and enforce consequence and walk away.
@@thehealingdaughter thank you 🥰
This video was amazing and so clear to follow. I only wish I had heard this information many many years ago, even though I've been in therapy for what seems like forever I have never heard anyone talk about this. I love how you speak it out as you would actually say it because it gives a ton of context for us to practice modeling in our communication. Loving your channel and am newly subscribed.
Give me the silent treatment idc anymore. Thank you for the peace
Many thanks for this wise discussion, wish I could have had Ruth's ideas when my mother was still alive. But it still soothes my wounded spirit to hear this!. Please do not stop, you give valuable strategies to those that are still living under the heavy burden of haring a narc mother.
This was amazing! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You are so authentic. So practical. You provide actionable ways of setting boundaries and great examples. You are AWESOME! Thanks for sharing your insights, strategies and techniques.
This is amazing love this video. You are extremely appreciated ❤
Ruth, thank you so very much for taking the time to publish this video. It is exactly to the dot what i have been waiting for. I feel so affirmed that I have started to practice some of your advice before seeing this but now I know exactly how to refine my approach without stressing myself out. You are AMAZING! (And funny lol) ❤ 5 stars! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
That’s awesome! Glad it was helpful!
You have no idea how validating and helpful your words and suggestions are. Thank you so much. Thank you, bless you - your words give me confidence.
Wow, thank you!
Thank you. This is probably the best video about boundary setting. Such clear examples and responses, I feel I’m able to do this now.
Glad it was helpful!
My mother thinks that being called, "passive aggressive" is a compliment. She considers "passive aggression", as Genteel and *Feminine way to deal with discomfort, stress and rage. She laughed in my face when I tried speaking with her about my trauma, she literally rolled her eyes and laughed scornfully when I said the word, "traumatized".
Thank you Ruth, you are helping me a lot. This video is great!!!
Glad it was helpful!
OKAY, lemme practice!:
"If this disrespect continues, i will have to leave/ i hope we have a kinder conversation next time"
OR
"Okay, thankyou" *walks away
OR
"Its okay if we disagree with love, thanks" *walks away
OR
"I find this passive aggressive. Lets talk in a mature respectful way or we can discuss later"
OR
"Its okay if you feel that way" "walks away and then goes for a walk/calls a friend*
tips:
-if i ever happen to raise my voice or get angry, i send a text message saying "apologies that i raised by voice, i do feel ur behaviour is disrespectful though and i will continue to distance myself. ill be ready to talk only if your treatment is kind/calm" (that way, im respectful yet still setting boundaries, and i want GOD to feel pleased with me, ameen)
Just be prepared for a stand off....and long term. Seems my mother is prepared to go that far. Sad but true. Good idea to nuture self. Yes shame and guilt over years of a stand off does set in.
Wow! Write a book girl!
Thank you so much for this video 🥰 it was extremely helpful and gave a sense of confidence, in setting boundaries with my narcissistic mother....I hope you are well 💞
Glad it was helpful!
This video was so empowering! Thank you!!
So glad! You’re welcome!
Loved this. Very helpful. Thank you!!! I wished I had known this many years ago.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear.
You are so welcome
Thankyou, that was very helpful. You have a good attitude to the boundary setting situation.
Glad it was helpful!
Just subscribed. Very helpful and healing. Thanks😔❤️
I really needed this video, it was perfect. Thank you so much!
You're so welcome!
Thanks ruth, have good holiday weekend.
Thank you! You too!
Thank you. This is very helpful!
Glad it was helpful!
This is very helpful and I will probably have this on repeat because my mother right now is giving me the silent treatment and I’m seeing her tomorrow 😩
This was very helpful, thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Just "yes!" to so many things you are saying!
❤this! You are an amazingly talented great teacher. I subscribed to your channel
Thank you so much!
You’re amazing! And beautiful. 😊 Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much!
Thank you! Appreciate your wisdom
Glad it was helpful!
You're very knowledgeable in the ways of covert narc mom's. Very spot on ❤
Wow, thank you
Great video.
1:10 This is a great bit of advice. It’s also one of the hardest to explain to people. Basically what happens is you validate their twisted narrative by the automatic reaction to setting a reasonable boundary. By defending what they’re throwing at you, it strengthens the credibility of their unreasonable accusations of demands. And as always, your original reasonable request gets forgotten and their narrative is what sticks.
It is important to keep diverting back to the original point, because by defending yourself all you are doing is proving to them that they have a point, and at the same time you end up convincing yourself that they have a point. When the fact is, they didn’t, they are in the wrong, what you said or did 10 years ago has absolutely no relevance to what you are saying right now. By defending you are simply doing the equivalent of allowing them to take the high ground for the fight or deciding to play a fixture at the opponents home ground what you were supposed to be playing them at your home ground.
But the advice don’t defend yourself feels unnatural and like bad advice until you grasp the concept of why.
7:30 For me with certain people, the boundary is set basically as a foreshadowing job. When you set a boundary it’s vital to take the action you said you will at the time. Otherwise you’re giving them a green light that you don’t really mean it, or that gaslight of you being in a bad mood when you said it, or enact it (if action is taken without first setting the boundary).
When setting a boundary, I usually only have to set them with people I know will not listen to me when I set said boundary. So when I’m setting it, I’m doing it KNOWING, that I will sooner or later be carrying out the action I’ve set down. This allows me to pay close attention to what I have said and what they have said, and what tone of voice I used, what I detected in their voice and body language, even other details, maybe a cat walked in. All of this information will become very important when they try to gaslight me when I put into action what I said I will do if they cross that boundary.
The cat thing (or whatever it is) is useful for being able to confirm the reality of what happened when you set the boundary when they inevitably start trying to twist it. Eg I know exactly what I said, I even remember the cat walked over to the fireplace when I said it.
I need advice my mom does most of these things and she gives me silent treatment a lot and whenever I stand up for myself she says I’m disrespectful and says “she would of never talk to her mother like that “ and she ends the conversation when she wants to then goes to silent treatment I end up feeling bad and then later in the day being the one to start trying to mend things first
First step is stepping out of that familiar dance. Instead of being the one trying to make amends when she gives you the silent treatment, focus on yourself. Managing the guilt you feel and when you’re ready setting a boundary on the silent treatment.
Thank you ❤
Brilliant !
Thank you. So so much.🙏🏽
You are so welcome
Thanks for sharing ❤
Thanks for watching!
thank you for this 😢
You're so welcome!
I love the advice, I had a hard time keeping up, I would love if you slowed down a little :)
I will try!
You can adjust the speed of the video. I do that all the time.
I wish I had come across your video when I began dating my now ex-girlfriend. I had no idea there was a language for this behavior number one and two that I have learned my mother is a narcissist. You are very articulate, and I am grateful for your help. In my case, the ex used her young daughter to gas light me and be passive-aggressive. My patience ran out, along with the knots in my stomach.
brilliant thank you.
Glad it helped
Thank you for the examples. I applaud you for your emotional maturity!
Deep. So helpful. 🔑 🗝 💡💡💡
Glad it was helpful!
@@thehealingdaughter 💕💕
She will go the limits to keep me from being happy even in the whelm of doing things to sabatage me in the most invisible to the naked eye the things that are the hardiest to see mentally,emotionally in a energetic energy way is there a way I can protect my sanity in my energy and protect myself from this stuff
I can relate so much. If it were not for my boyfriend, I don’t know if I would have felt courageous enough to set boundaries. I’m getting better over time ❤️
Love that!
My take away from this video:
"like I said, if this keeps happening (repeat boundary), implement and move tf on.
Amen.
P.S: You are a boundary BOSS🎓👑
You got it!
Had an interview where the guy was all business, so I couldn’t say it had gone well or not well. Mom called me to see how it went and I made the mistake of saying something mature like, “well, if it didn’t go well, it had nothing to do with me.” I’m not a young lady in my 20s, I know how things work out or don’t work out. But a narcissistic mother will always take the side of a male stranger she’s never met over her daughter, and assume you did something wrong. I should have never indicated any doubt, or ever mentioned that the interviewer was male. Be careful.
You said some powerful stuff here. SO THANKFUL for you! I'm in a position right now where I have GOT to put up some serious boundaries with my Mom in order to protect my sanity and my young children's well-being. I still find myself wanting to do it in a way that won't "hurt her feelings." Trying to find a bigger backbone. Your videos are helping!!!
I love my daughters to the moon and back , I really love the new type of relationships that I have with them as adult young women , We talk about just about anything. Now I have some new adult friends besties in them . 😊 We have mutual love and mutual respect. Yes I am still Mom and only share my life experiences in any given situation and only if I’m invited, The rest of the time I’m just living my best life .
But i feel really sorry for her being lonely and not seeing her grandkids often
I completely understand the feeling but I’m learning that guilt is part of her game, it keeps me trapped in allowing her in and allowing her to keep hurting me. She’s not really feeling lonely, she’s just using that guilt me
What do I say if she acts shocked or starts blaming my wife, like if she says “where’s this all come from? It’s clearly someone else putting things in your head?” How is best to approach this initially?
Tell me more, What’s the boundary?
Hi, can you do a video of when you go no-contact with your mother and she pits your younger siblings (brother & sister) whom you have healthy and respectful relationships with; against you and they end up going no-contact with you?
Amen….
You're nice sis ❤
Please make a video about how to set boundaries when you live with your parents. What do you do when they don't understand how to "roomate" with you, but you also can't say, I'm leaving to enforce the boundary because you continue to share common space? What can you do when you are in a position where you need their help. Ex. A health condition that requires you to to depend on your mother for physical support sometimes? I find a lot of information online about how to set boundaries when you don't live with your folks, but I would be interested in understanding how to pivot to better boundaries when the situation isn't linear.
It’s very challenging to set boundaries when you are financially dependent on them. This is another way they can control you. And many daughters have chronic illness or issues with their body because the environment keeps them in a state of survival which makes it worse. Such as flare ups and stuff. I can’t speak on your situation because I don’t know but I can offer this link - instagram.com/reel/Ccy75uxJkk1/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
Unfortunately when you are dependent on them on some capacity, they can dictate how they are.
I would look into the nervous system videos I have as well.
She just turns into a victim and start judging me for setting boundaries without listening to me ,she keeps yelling says anything that gets to her mind then tells me to shut up and that she's tired from something kinda hinting that it's me Makes me feel like a heavy homework then ask me to leave her alone if I tried to fix it and actually communicate better,how is that supposed to be a motherhood?? It happened today I was supposed to bring my new glasses (medical) to see next week and surprisingly she got'em early Today i was happy I was in my room doing*personal stuff* my door lock doesn't work so I just push it expecting others to respect it then suddenly she opens the door without knocking or anything while holding my glasses,how did I felt lot of feelings but most wrong ones I felt like I was suffocating I couldn't breathe right,why they teach us all the good manners then they don't even respect them anyways??
Oh! And here's something else,she still didn't give me my new glasses and vision is still blurry,that doesn't matter I guess
❤ this
I fuck with you so heavy ! Thank you 🙏🏽
Thank youuu 💗
This is all very relatable. She keeps telling me to leave and treats me like shit. If I leave, then she would be like good riddance and that I was a bad daughter. This has happened before. She started dating, a guy moved in with her and she stopped texting me. I would be the first one to text her each time. She said she can’t date because I am still around and the guy was telling her that too.
Yeah, so she makes it seem like you are the cause of her own problems but it’s not your responsibility. What’s 1 thing you’re doing to set boundaries? Or attune to your needs?
@@thehealingdaughter Thank you for the response. We are barely talking right now even though she still asks me for help when she needs it. No matter how much I do for her, it will never be enough nor appreciated. I try to help her just to keep the peace.
The problem I have is my mom tends to run to me for favor “can you call this number and ask…” or if shes working and I’m not she’ll ask me for favor . “Can you pick up a medication because I’m at work and they close before I get off “ Truth is , I don’t want to do those things . My time of day is mine and I don’t want to go out of my way to do things for her , EVEN IF IM DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Now Is that being selfish ?
Wow, I struggle with this a lot too with my mom. I feel guilty all the time but we are not selfish. ❤