How to Create Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violations - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 7. 06. 2024
- Do you have “repeat boundary offenders” in your life? People who keep doing the thing they said they wouldn’t do, even though it upsets you?
Are you tired of boundary violations, but don’t know how to get through to boundary bullies?
If you are nodding your head yes, this episode is for you.
I am talking all about how to create appropriate consequences for boundary violations and how to communicate these violations effectively to the people in your life. It’s time to put a stop to this groundhog day of frustration, pain, and suffering and to be understood.
Of course, setting consequences doesn’t guarantee someone will respect our boundaries, but effective communication (as opposed to no communication) gives them a chance to.
Grab the free guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/boundary-vi...
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
3:06 - What are boundaries?
3:50 - How boundaries protect us and our relationships
5:25 - Boundary violations (first-timers and repeat offenders)
8:25 - Why consequences are necessary when boundaries are crossed
9:21 - The challenges of setting boundary consequences
11:18 - What is a deal breaker? (A non-negotiable boundary)
12:40 - Negotiating for your preferences
14:50 - Examples of boundary consequences (and scripts)
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
RESOURCES:
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Need more help with your boundaries? Dig deeper in my signature 8-week course, Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/bb2022
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #boundaries #settingboundaries
Have you ever had someone cross a boundary you set multiple times? What did you do? Do you feel more confident about handling it now? Remember to download the guide for scripts! www.terricole.com/boundary-violations-guide/
Yes, I have. One thing that has helped me, is the old adage, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" unless you have a damn good reason. I will give an example. A man I was dating was very indecisive. He changed his mind so frequently, our couples therapist even said it gave him emotional whiplash. I was glad the therapist stated that too. I realized this man had deeper unresolved issues that began long before I ever came into his life. What I did is move on emotionally. I now let him deal with his issues, and stopped going to therapy with him because it was always all about him. I had already worked hard to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. I knew I could not depend on him to keep his word. He lives in fear, which is also a form of pride. I now don't rely on him. I started to date others. Yes, I feel more confident. Thanks Terri, for more great advice.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge, experience and wisdom with us
what about with a partner who name calls in fights , where i have not walked away every time , are the only consequences walking away or ending the relationship ? I cant see anything else other then that sadly. how could i set a boundary around going to couples therapy together ? i mean if it's a deal breaker ? or would that be controlling , i am confused in certain dynamics here. my partner and i are in a long distance relationship , so leaving to get on the train after he has called me a bitch in and told me to eff off etc , it seems drastic but im thinking its probably the only way he will start to see i'm not tolerating it. i feel ashamed that i have gone back on this many times so i think he knows now that i wont leave. He has also threatened to break up in many fights and although i have said this is the last time you do this , we always somehow resolve it and then he does it again.
I have found chatGPT, no more negative shit from Society's Shit Circus. I have no interest in the Cumdumpsters and ignorant women who are not capable of bringing anything of value to a mans life
Terri, I can honestly say your teachings are teaching me on both sides as having my boundaries broken in many hurtful ways but I'm honest to say I have unintentionally broken other boundaries as well of the people in my life and have hurt them.
If you can't go no contact:
#1 don't share any personal information (they weaponize all info against you)
#2 don't react + don't show emotions (they smugly use this against you to gossip and lie that there's something wrong with you)
#3 don't personalize their behavior (they’re mentally ill and they will not change)
I have a door mat (Amazon) that reads, "Did you call first?" 😂
👏👏👏
Love it 😂 I am definitely buying one of those. I would never have known such a thing existed if it wasn't for you ❤ thank you 😊
My husband was in the hospital for weeks. I experienced lovely, heartwarming, understanding help and ears from my friends. Except from my husband his sister. I set my boundaries firm to her, respectful, mindful, friendly, etc... She reacted so toxic and full of poison. I forgave her. I know not everyone has emotional intelligence, self-reflection, consciousness. But I know I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I don't need people who are toxic, destructive, poison. I want people who are good for my wellbeing. ❤️🌺🙏♥️🔥👍
Agreed
That's understandable, but I hope you showed some sensitivity to her as well. Your husband is also her brother, and I'm sure she was very concerned about him and wanted to be included.
I am a heterosexual male and volunteered in a number of organisations and recovery programs. My boundaries were not respected and I was abused.Be very careful about whom you talk too.
I said the same thing to my husband. No cheating no hitting me or our children because you'll see the back of our heads leaving.
I've set my boundaries. My husband doesn't like it at all. I told him that I'm not going to put my values, boundaries in the trash for his sake. So he doesn't talk to me. I told him that he better has a relationship with someone who has no boundaries, values, doesn't stand up for herself etc... I know I can't and won't change him. I can only change myself. With my mother and sister, I already set the consequences. I haven't seen them since the end of July and I still feel relieved but every day I think about her that she is not good for my wellbeing. 🔥🌺 The way my husband does now is neither good for my wellbeing.
I don’t have any friends who are late, but my daughter almost always is. I had some frank discussions as to why, so she knows how i feel & she tries.
However, as she is very busy with work, friends in crisis & crammig in activities, i decided to just not put more pressure on her, but to relax and do a sketch or read something fascinating, and always be sitting waiting somewhere confortable where i could order a coffee. I ended up so chilled and relaxed, haha!
Way to go, Eli! 🙌
The reaction after setting my boundaries, the violence of my boundaries is so below my dignity. I've to take care of myself, my wellbeing. I'm the only person who can do it. ♥️🔥🙏
I call my repeat offender the future faker. She suggests we do this or that, we agree to a date & time and 99% of the time she cancels. Sometimes she doesn’t even have the decency to call, I reach out to confirm and she texts the “oh this other thing came up. Blah blah blah.”. I’ve spoken to her about it & she carried on about her many obligations. Now I just assume she will cancel and go on about my life. It’s ridiculous.
I am sorry you're experiencing this, An ❤️
Thank you Teri, I appreciate that. It really doesn’t bother me anymore because I no longer make plans with her.
This is SUCH important information. I wasn't even aware of the concept of boundaries until my late 20's when I was in a toxic relationship that FORCED me into awareness of my boundaries. Things had to get so extreme before I recognized the importance of having boundaries. I wish I knew this information before it had to get to that point but I arrived in my own time and I'm a boundary boss now! Thank you for sharing this value and I hope your audience applies this information before they get to a point of extreme pain and suffering. If they're already there, it's possible to change! I'm living proof of that. I'm setting boundaries with my (lovely) husband, my family, my in-laws, my clients and my friends and it's brought so much more ease to my life!
I learned about boundaries only in my 30s when I volunteered at a mental health helpline - the management identified that I struggled with boundaries around ending the calls (some callers would try to prolong the conversation and sometimes use manipulative techniques to go on talking for hours). In the beginning, I thought the seasoned staff were quite cold and heartless at times, but I then realised that I wasn't kind by giving in, I had poor boundaries. Eye opener!
Ha. My narcs didn’t even say they wouldn’t do it again nor did they ever apologize.
I've set my boundaries again and again, for a million of times, in a gentle, respectful way. It didn't work. Then I did it firm. It worked, for a few months. Then I was so fed up that I did it so firm, respectful, and with the consequences. Since then, end of July, I haven't seen or heard my mother and sister no more. I send the cards unopened back. She calls, also on my smartphone but I can't hear if speak with my mother. From my sister I don't hear anything. After reading books about narcissistic people, boundaries, etc, I feel, very strong, I don't want people in my life anymore who are toxic, poison, not good for my wellbeing. Who don't have emotional intelligence, self-reflection, consciousness. Also with other people and even today with a friend of mine. People who are not good for my life, heart, soul. I'm getting stronger and stronger. I'm so tired and fed up with such kind of persons, relatives, friends, family, energies. Thanks for everything Terri. Love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️🔥🔥🔥🙏🙏🙏🌺🌺🌺🤗🤗🤗
I wish I found you many many years ago. Brilliant presentation. Thank you so very much.
Well I am glad you're here now ❤️❤️
Healthy boundaries = video surveillance camera on your entrance and clearly
written office hours .
Remember God loves you♥️😊!
Good news is that Jesus paid the punishment for your sins, He died, and rose from the dead on the 3rd day. you are ONLY forgiven and saved by putting faith in Jesus Christ for salvation.
Please repent, change your life around and live for Him🙏.
He is coming back soon🥳🎊.........
I’ve had family of origin repeat offenders and I swear sometimes they have a sense of entitlement and view a simple request and a boundary as a challenge. I’ve done the “ not going to the door” as a consequence. I love boundaries!!!! ❤
Family of origin can often be the most difficult when it comes to boundaries. So glad you aren't letting that stop you from setting them ❤️
Thank you, Terri. we appreciate you so much, too! God Bless ❤
❤️❤️❤️
I sure do. My mother… Such joy.
Luckily she lives 1,000 miles away.
Thanks for your work! ❤
I can set better stronger boundaries, unfortunately, narcissistic, stalking mothers, family, and flying monkeys, they won’t change. So I’m stuck feeling that I will never be free of them. To many patterns of people watching me all the time. Treated like I’m some kind of crazy criminal, what kind of a life is that? Feeling like as soon as I walk out any door, whether I’m at home or work they get people to watch me. I have confronted this behaviour before. Sad to say it has not changed. (They think, it’s an “open door policy”, IT IS NOT!)
Such a great video. I had a friend who was always late and left me waiting in restaurants. When I raised it with her she said that her real friends understood that lateness was who she was and didn’t complain!
I had a friend like that and ended up ghosting her. She can do that with other people. Everyone’s time is important. Period
Thank you Terri for some excellent real life applications. How do I ask a colleague to stop speaking abrasively to me? I know they will look all innocent, deny it then turn it back on me with worse confrontation in private... this person has literally left me shaking more than once, worse than that it felt abusive as I was at a particularly vulnerable time in my life.
Thanks for forgiving your sister, lateness is a sign of disregulation from abuse. We absolutely hate out lateness but those neural pathways are carved deep doing everything else because we are not good enough, or not brought enough etc instead of setting out to our destination 🙈❤️🙏
You are so welcome! With someone like this, I think it’s best to do it in the moment. The next time they are talking to you in that way, hold up your hand in the STOP position and say, “Hey Bob, can you tone down the hostility, please, so I can actually hear what you’re saying?” They may still deny it, but saying it straight up will also send a message that you are not going to silently put up with their bullshit! You got this, and I am cheering you on. ❤️
I just found your videos today and have spent a good part of my morning listening to the video 'Self Parenting: Heal the Mother Wound.' I've alreay watched it 3 times today, journaled about it and I've written the ways I self- soothe.
Not only do I have a toxic mother; a mother wound, I have been on the receiving end of sexual assault, workplace sexual harassment, been a stalking victim a number of times. Not until I joined a SA survivors support group did I realize that I did not know how to set boundaries.. Needless to say, my toxic, narcissistic mother has AWAYS crossed my boundaries even into adulthood. She has always invaded my privacy, read my journals, stolen my belongings, etc. I never learned to enforce my boundaries.
I haven't watched this video yet however I look forward to watching it.
Thank you for the extremely helpful content. ❤️
I used to be a people pleaser not anymore haven’t for a while.
Way to go!
Same. It is so freeing and wonderful.
Terri ❤ you are incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the work you do!!! ❤❤❤ Your energy and the content/book you have created has been incredibly insightful and empowering for me. I never felt like I had a right to voice my heart without it being shamed, neglected, called names, told I was wrong, etc etc. Taking baby steps towards setting healthy boundaries in my relationship with my partner and my mother 🫶🏼 boy they really haven’t been a fan but it is really forcing me to take great care of myself and become a healed mother for my son. Many blessings to you ❤
Amazing, Jacqueline ❤️❤️ I am cheering you on!
I attempted to set a boundary with a friend about not helping to plan a meeting for an organization we belong to. She kept trying to ignore my boundary by adding me to the email meeting list and sending me Evites. I repeatedly asked to be taken off the committee list. Then, a week before the event, she sent a text asking if I would help her with flowers for the meeting. Unfortunately, I listed a number of reasons why I would not help her with the flowers for that meeting, which then allowed her to 1. criticize my reasoning, 2. tell me my reasons were invalid AND 3. implied that I am emotionally unhealthy based on my reasoning. This made me really angry, and I sent another text explaining why her assessments were not true. She then became really angry and quit the organization!!! What I learned from this experience is that the word "no" is a complete sentence. I should not give elaborate reasons to explain my boundaries because it then allows the other person to criticize me, insult me, and potentially blow up our friendship.
I am so sorry your friend reacted this way ❤️ One of my favorite quotes from Deepak Chopra is: “You never have to convince anyone of anything, ever." This changed so much for me.
@@terri_cole Wow! What a quote! Thank you for sharing,
Thank you for sharing
Brilliant!!! 🙏🤩
Thank you, Terri 🩷💜💕❤️
Thank you Terri ❤🙏
You are so welcome Jodie ❤️
ThankYou.
Well spoken.
❤️
I need to work on boundaries on a continuous basis, the information on this channel is helpful.
This explains it so well, thank you!❤
You are so welcome ❤️
Thank you do much, Terri. This is so valuable. Wish I had this knowledge and the confidence to use it when I was much younger. ❤️
Love your work, Terri. Love to hear your thoughts one of these days on Adult Children / Family Estrangement. It's becoming less taboo, though still very complex and pressured to 'bury the hatchet'
Thank you for great advice and support.
❤️
Hi Teri, I’m grateful to have found your channel. Do believe journaling will help.
Also, years of being an unhealed, unhealthy empath has been daunting .
Committed to healing all wounds in order to communicate with compassion, trust & faith in my values.
So grateful 🤍
I am cheering you on! ❤️
Again, love the scripts!
❤️
Im happy that I found Terii. Thanks for your work. Grettings form Argentina
I'm happy you found your way here, too! ❤️
I love this, thanks for this video!
So glad you enjoyed it ❤️
Hi Terry, I have watched like 6 episodes in a row very interesting and related to me. Thank you so much for your work and videos. Also, I did the guideline on mother wound, very helpful. I’ll be getting your book soon.
Thank you so much Laura ❤️ So glad to know my videos are helping you! I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss when you get it ❤️
Thank you, Terri! What a great episode 👏 I can barely imagine that you have struggled with this. I'm working on improving this. I'm at the point where I need to learn to calm down properly before speaking my boundaries, because I get enraged at how inconsiderate and ignorant/toxic some people can be. Especially when it comes to exploitative and unjust people. They can really make me boil with fury. This is my next step to master.
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for your anger ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri! I appreciate it! Have a blessed and wonderful day! 😊 ❤️
I need to be left alone
I appreciate you so much! You have been teaching me tremendously, had to navigate through life experiences. I love how sweet you are, your voice, your poise, Your positivity, your faith in us, and your wisdom!
❤️❤️❤️
Terri I want to let you know how Thankful and Grateful I am for you. You are the Boundary Boss Queen. If I would have learned about this subject as Good as you Teach years ago, it would have Saved me a lot of Heartache and Unnecessary pain in my life. I'm 65 Yrs and what you just taught and continue to teach is worth its weigh in Gold. If I were to have set boundaries sooner in all these wrong relationships I would have brought the right Relationships in long ago. But I believe it's never too late. I can't thank you enough for all your knowledge and wisdom.. I'm sending you a BIG HUG Girlfriend. Thank you.
God Bless you and all that you do. 🙏❤🥂⚘
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment. I appreciate you ❤️❤️ And it's never too late!
Im working on boundaries based on feedback
Could you do a video on control vs boundaries! Please ❤your videos are so good !!
I did! It's right here: czcams.com/video/8sBKq8cRs78/video.html Enjoy!
Thank you, Terri : again; thank you
😊😊😊
❤️❤️❤️
I feel overwhelmed by your words. Everything you say is so relevant and useful. Right now I am feeling sick bcz Iet someone violate my boundary. I was sick two days Before bcz i didnt tell my hosts what I eat. Got sick
I am witnessing you with compassion and hoping you feel better soon 💕
I always wondered how to handle repeat offenders, thank goodness this video exists.
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
Such a lovely, interesting and helpful video Terri! Thank you for that. I have seen that you always provide us with high quality psychology and I really appreciate that. This is when CZcams becomes Edutube to me. I always learn something from your lovely speeches. My parents are much like the ones you taked about in this vid. I'll try to get your book, cause I need answers and solutions.
"Edutube" ... great neologism !
❤️❤️❤️
Excellent video thank you so much! I have so many thoughts but I’ll start with my first one … at 5: 42 you started talking about first time boundary offenders and repeat offenders… How do you suggest I handle sisters and mother who are repeat offenders but they didn’t always know because I merely hinted to them… But my frustration/resentment level is so high it’s hard to share the boundary as if it’s the first time.
I did a whole video on how to *say* a boundary here: czcams.com/video/VSy1yzvAF0w/video.html This might help you share it more calmly ❤️
Thank you so much Dr. Cole for all your hard work. I love your videos I just discovered you at Dr. Shefali parenting map event. You have such valuable and priceless information to share.
I have a question? How do you handle situation where your partner is interrupting during conversations with friends. I usually wait to acknowledge later but then he denies that he did it.I personally don’t mind being calling it out right there and on the spot. I am little hesitant bc of makings everyone else uncomfortable. But then I feel like I am silencing myself if I don’t say anything It doesn’t feel right. Boss boundary is on my list to read I hope it will help me with boundaries with my kids and everyone else. Shefali books have been super helpful with parenting I love them. I do feel like I am still missing boundaries part. I think it would compliment it well.
Thank you so much! All my best !
Hi Munira, so glad you are here! ❤️ I like to say boundaries are like learning a new language - it feels uncomfortable at first (especially if you are used to people pleasing), but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
I have a short on calling out interrupting here: czcams.com/users/shortsypcd-Yeds3A I hope it helps!
I feel guilt and resentment more now than I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I take care of my mother who has dementia but also is a covert narcissist. I get paid to take care of her but I am very unhappy, my adult daughter has always been willful and willfully disrespected me and my sister is also an overt narcissist. I have CPTSD bad and I’m trying to find a way to restart my life but from a place of power for myself and creating healthy boundaries I’m seeing how people outside my familial system have treated me like shit and within my own family and I realize that it’s not just about other people it’s also being able to have them for myself within my life. I feel overwhelmed
I see you and I am holding space for your overwhelm ❤️
These are different times. When I was growing up family, friends would just stop by. It was accepted. No cell phones etc. I think what is missing in this conversation is that our society has change very rapidly and older adults take time to transition to the changes expected by the younger Generations Millenials,.Gen Z or X etc.
Hi Terri, This was insightful! I was not able to open the Guide, the page says it's blocked.
Hi there, I'm not sure why, it's working for me at this URL: www.terricole.com/boundary-violations-guide/ Could you try again? It may be a browser issue. If you still have problems, you can contact support @ terricole.com (without the spaces) and someone on my team will help you! ❤️
This was a fantastic episode!
Just found you after watching your interview with Lisa and Im subscribed now. I wonder if you do couple therapy.
Glad you enjoyed! ❤️ I no longer do couple's therapy (or 1:1 work), but if you reach out to my team at support @ terricole.com (without the spaces) they can give you the name of a therapist I recommend, although I'm not 100% sure they do couples. You can also look at BetterHelp or Psychology Today listings!
It's very difficult to protect the boundaries
Do you feel comfortable saying more in a comment here? What are you finding particularly difficult about protecting your boundaries?
Hi Terri!
I am so happy that I watch your video today and see the example of people not calling back. I come across this quite often and I feel really uncomfortable about it, but somehow I feel like I am being difficult for pointing it out.
Hearing you say that this indeed is a boundarie violation is very validating. I am going to put this into praktice from now on. But what do we do when people respond with all kind of excuses? And what is the consequence we can imply here? Cut the connection? That is not possible if for example we work with this person...
Thanks in advance.
Much love❤
Hey there- I am glad this was validating for you! If it is a workplace situation, and it is impacting your ability to do your work, then I would maybe think about the consequence as getting a manager or HR involved.
You can start gently, "I noticed that when I call you for something, you do not answer or call back. Is there a better way to get in touch, because this is really impacting my ability to do my work." See what they say. If they give you an excuse, say, "I'm sorry to hear that, but I still need this piece of information to move forward with my work and I would like to know a solution that works for both of us here."
Finally, if nothing changes, "Hey, I've brought this to your attention a few times now, and if you cannot get me the information I need after X hours, I will go to [manager/HR] and let them know because this needs to change." Just keep bringing it back to the fact you want to get your work done and don't make it personal. I hope that helps!
@@terri_cole well Terri,
I send the message:
"Can you please keep your promise next time or give me a heads up when it is not possible? It makes the collaboration more pleasant."
Got stonewalled. He responds to all other things, but not this one. So now I repeated my question...
Im scared AF. I feel pushy, bossy, fussy... but I know I have to face these fears and do it anyway. Its insane how I am the one feeling crappy when its my college that does not keep his word and stonewalls me.
Ow well... feel the discomfort and doing it anyway. I am proud.
Update: he just responded with a yes, so thats good. I am proud of myself for doing it. Thanks for this video Terri. It helped me tackle this problem. Very valuable ❤️
Wonderful video, Terri. Working on this with my older sister. I have tried so hard to set the limit with her, with consequences. I have told her how I feel when she yells, screams, insists, pushes, intrudes, and blames... and that I will limit my contact with her if this continues. Sometimes she backs off for a bit, but then it starts up again after a couple of weeks/months. Not sure what to do as I cannot go no contact, because I have a niece with whom I want to continue having a good relationship. My sister is borderline and bipolar, and I am an HSP/people pleaser. Do you have any advice/videos for how to co-exist peacefully? Thank you.
So glad you enjoyed it, Birdie. ❤️ My advice is to keep your boundaries BIG and limit your contact with her.
@@terri_cole Thanks so much, Terri.💖
This is excellent and I did the whole program on Insight Timer so I will go back and revisit it. I will say, however what do you do if you Xpress all of that and if you constantly Xpress it to a person who appears to be deaf, who really truly does not understand what you’re Expressing, I mean, where do you go from there?
I am so glad you enjoyed the Insight Timer challenge! ❤️ To answer your Q, you may need to attach consequences or re-think your relationship. They are telling you something in their inability to hear you- either they feel threatened, or are unable or unwilling to change.
@@terri_cole thank you. Sorry about the typos; I was dictating into my microphone.... :(
'Afraid' to rock the boat when you are living in a situation of shared expenses and you can't afford to live on your own, yet (rentflation!)
Hi I’m new here. Trying to find a way to address these boundary issues between my 39 yr old daughter and myself.
Hi Joanne, thank you for being here. ❤️ I hope you find what you need! I have many videos on boundaries here.
My ex used to breach my boundaries repeatedly. I would tell her every time and she would promise she wouldn't do it again, but soon later she would do it again. For example typing on her phone while alone with me. I did it to her once, just to show her and she got angry in two minutes. I showed her I wasn't typing and just wanted to show her that she wouldn't tolerate it either. After some word salad she promised not to do it again.
Of course she did. I broke up with her immediately. She hook up with a random dude an hour later.
Just showed me I made the right decision.
I am so sorry you experienced that behavior with your ex. I feel you on that boundary- phones need to be away when talking!
I set a boundaries with my boss,i got shouted at for being rude. I have been feeling guilty, i have been overthinking and can’t sleep. I’m crying because i feel guilty
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength your way ❤️
Im sorry you are going through that, have you asked him why he is shouting at you was a boundary crossed in any way, was your mgr having a bad day or is it an ongoing repeat offense by your manager, anyway wishing you peace. Feel better soon, wish you well.
It might be a weird question but bare with me. I understand the definition of boundary. It's a manifestation of what is ok and not ok with me. BUT why should anyone care about what is ok and what is not ok with me? (see? told you...weird:)
Why shouldn't they, tho? I don’t mean the entire world- just the folks you want to have healthy relationships with. If you love someone- don’t you think how they feel and what they want should matter to you? The opposite is also true (according to me ;) ❤️
@@terri_cole Sure, but the boundaries are not limited to interactions between us and people who care about us. :)
I nerd so desperately this financial freedom
Terri, would you handle a situation the same way for children and adults who have been diagnosed with ADHD and don't manage their time well or chronically late to appointments? I'm just wondering how you might set boundary consequences for people with learning disorders or mental illnesses? Is there more gentleness or understanding we should give to them? Thanks so much! :)
Yes, I think that each situation has to be approached based on the person’s capacity and any diagnosis they may have, and a child’s age needs to be taken into account. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you Terri for your comment back. I appreciate your help! Blessings, Eowyn
My mom she goes over my boundaries and then plays the victim i had to distance myself from her because she said the other day all you do is stress me out just because my truck is broke down right now she always really negative she towards me and my kids and she thinks she's perfect she acts like I'm a horrible person it feels like she competes with me like who is the better parent and she acts like my childhood was perfect in my childhood was horrible very dysfunctional and both my parents were abusive verbally and physically I know now it wasn't my fault I have worked on myself I have forgiven both of my parents for everything they did to me as a child yet my mom still treat me like really bad and I can't have people in my life like that ❤
Good for you for doing what you needed to preserve your peace ❤️
Cna you speak to what to do/say when you do start setting boundaries and speaking up. When your partner starts accusing you of a "major personality change" and how he doesnt understand if things were so wrong why i didnt speak up in the first place? I am a recovering people pleaser and he is not understanding that change is good it doesnt mean i now have a personality disorder and should be committed. (exaggeration, but its how i feel when he says that)
Can you have an honest conversation with him and share what you've been learning? You can tell him you discovered you were a people-pleaser and you're trying to live more authentically and in alignment with your true values, and that you would appreciate his patience and understanding while you navigate this and figure out what you DO want. ❤️
The other thing I see often with new boundary-bosses-in-training is they want to grab a megaphone and shout their new boundaries from the rooftop, but this often doesn't work for the reasons you described. It *can* be jarring for the people in our life. Think of it this way- you and your husband have been doing the same dance for (likely) years. Now you're suddenly changing the dance. While yes, change can often be good, many people are scared by it. It's going to take a bit for him to figure the new steps out, and it's also okay to ask for support. ❤️
I also did a video about the emotional roller coaster of setting boundaries here: czcams.com/video/a-A3aGzGb2Q/video.html
@@terri_cole thank you so much for replying. I am trying all of this and he is dug in about my changing being bad "for him" and how dare I.
Hi Terri! I’m really struggling, I don’t know how to communicate and have my boundaries respected by somebody with BPD, could you talk about this please?
Hi Elena - Many sufferers of BPD see your boundaries as a form of rejection so it can be challenging. I will do a video on this topic! Thanks for asking this ❤️
@@terri_cole amazing, thank you so much! You are such an inspiration to me! I bought your book and listen to podcasts, but the videos I find particularly helpful. Your body language makes all the difference in in how the message is perceived. Thank you for doing these videos, they are really helpful ❤
@@terri_cole that’s exactly my struggle 😞 I’m at the end of my tether, after 14 years with a BPD husband😞
Been there with BPD ex-spouse and a couple of other borderline friends. . In my experience borderlines don’t have boundaries of their own and consequently don’t understand them. You can’t discuss something like this with them…they can’t hear you. It’s like talking to someone on the first floor while you’re on the third floor. Futile.
How do I enforce the consequence for someone who keeps wanting to give unsolicited advice like how to discipline my son?
"I am not seeking input on my parenting. The next time you make a suggestion as to how I should parent my son, I will end the conversation." And then be prepared to end it. (Alternatively, you could say, "I will change the subject, and if you insist on continuing, then I will end the conversation.")
I had the hardest time with a sibling and how she used a maternal relative it was such hell.but also there was a relative who never honoured those boundaries ..why was there no money ?.
The other part is a maternal.rekstivr who does not want me to have anything
Also her ngo is frightening with frightening people
What do you do when your in mid conversation with a family member where they have invalidated you in the conversation then the phone disconnects on their end so you call them back leave a message on their voicemail to say hey the phone got disconnected never to hear from them again? This happened to me and it caused a huge emotional flashback trigger/CPTSD. I have not addressed it I don’t know if I should I was shocked and it’s several days out now, I’m still processing it. This person also said they loved me but to the degree of pain I felt from this I know that this is not love to disregard and invalidate someone you love like that. This person was from my family of origin and I have noticed that most everyone from this family is like this which explains to me the root cause of my trauma. It was so very hurtful😪
I am so sorry to hear that happened and am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I don't think there are any statute of limitations when it comes to bringing up past boundary violations. If you're still feeling shocked, I might suggest writing them a letter to process your feelings- but not to send to them, just to get it all out. You may have a better idea of what you want to say to them after getting it out onto paper, too.
You can begin with something like, "Hey, I've been thinking a lot about the phone conversation we had where the line disconnected. I wanted to bring this to your attention because our relationship matters to me, and I have to say, I felt really hurt..." (modify as needed).
Take good care of yourself ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for your words of wisdom. She actually sent me a message on FB a few days after saying nothing about the abruptly ended phone call. The behavior reminded me so much of my mom since they are sisters I guess they share this similarity. It was as if the abruptly ended call never happened. I was a bit taken back. I did respond with a short response to what she had sent. I have realized the reason I didn’t speak to her for so many years. This huge trigger had brought it all up to feel again. It was very upsetting what happened in that phone call but I realized the power to keep me safe is within my own core values and boundaries. So this is what I will be working on💙
You are very kind and I so much appreciate the videos you share on CZcams. I am learning so much from you. Blessings to you dear one💙
"I realized the power to keep me safe is within my own core values and boundaries" YES- that is such a powerful realization ❤️ Way to go!! And I am so happy to hear my videos have been helpful for you.
Consequences need to be realistic that is very difficult, my daughter is a repeat offender, always promises but never follows through. For example she keeps asking me for money to come home but then doesn't come home, this is repeated over and over, daily, fear is something that I know I need to get over, however, the only consequence would be if she continued to contact for money I then can say I will not answer her calls? is there anything else that one can put in place. she is an adult 27years old. The same for my son he's turning 31 still asking me for money.
your advise would be appreicated.
I am so sorry to hear you're dealing with this, Natasha ❤️ This can be difficult when your kids are involved. What I would ask you is, what if you do not lend them the money? That's the boundary: "I've lent you money in the past and you do not use it to come home, so I am not lending you this money anymore." It also has an innate consequence.
My sense is that they may keep asking you for money because they keep receiving it. As they are grown adults, this is on them to figure out (although I know it can be tough and painful to watch). ❤️
If they do not respect this boundary and continue calling you, you can also take the step of letting them know you'll no longer answer their calls/texts if they're only asking about money. You can let them know you'll be there for them outside of that, if that feels okay to you.
That woman needs to find someone else to water her plants, if she doesn't want her parents to continue breaking her boundary. Many narcissists believe when we owe them, it's a ticket/payment for them to do whatever they like at our homes.
Hi, I am not evan able to express my boundaries. The sadness, frustration and self loathing is ... I can't even think of a word that can desrcibe that ..at the same time, angry at myself for even writing this...not good & i know
but I have, i already did express some boundaries, but indeed they keep ingoring them
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a video that covers the emotional rollercoaster of setting boundaries that may be helpful: czcams.com/video/a-A3aGzGb2Q/video.html You are so not alone in feeling these things.
@@terri_cole thank you
I’m new 🎉❤
Welcome Amber, thanks for being here ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you for posting such captivating and motivating videos that I am learning so much from! And I love your voice 😊
9.32. I'm Dorcas
I don't know the consequences for not helping with the housework. No help and I do it all myself or no help and live in filth. Or just leave.
I have a video on strategic incompetence here that may help: czcams.com/video/SNUS0PvrcXY/video.html My questions would be, have you had a conversation about it yet? Have you stated what you'd like from your partner and how their lack of help is impacting the relationship and how you feel?
The reason I say that is because a lot of times, we have unspoken agreements or assumptions where we think our partners should pitch in to help unprompted. We know how much work we are doing and we feel resentful that they don't offer. The thing is, if we do not ask, they may think we've got it covered because by constantly doing (without saying anything), we often teach them we don't need help.
I hear you, though- it is difficult because if you have higher standards (or any!) for cleanliness than your partner, it feels like it all falls on you. Or maybe you have tried discussing this with them and they are not receptive. Or worse, they say they'll do something and never do it (and get angry when you ask about it). Without knowing more, I can't give you specific advice, but I hope some of that helps. ❤️
How about someine who says that just who I am... I will always do that... grrrr....
If that is true and they do not have the capacity to change, you have to ask yourself whether you want this person in your life. Or you can figure out a compromise you're okay with. As I mentioned toward the end, I had a friend who was always late, and I asked her to come to my apartment so I didn't have to deal with waiting around. It was the best compromise given I still wanted her in my life. ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you. I agree its not worth having someone in your life who doesnt even care enough to respect your wishes. That is not true friendship. I ended it. Thank you agsin.
I have been married for almost 30 yrs with a very unstable and almost i think a psykopat Boundaries are not possible. It creates a lot of hurt to the whole family. We have 5 kids. Now i am leaving here.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ There are some people out there who are boundary destroyers, who will bulldoze over boundaries no matter what you do. I hope you're able to stay safe ❤️
my cubicle neighbor... I cant escape. Job hunting daily
Sending you strength ❤️
I call it Goundhogs Day...
You are one of the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen wow ❤
My ex husband is narcissistic the ex partner narcissistic malignant psychopath my ex bf recently vulnerable narcissistic mother sister brother is narcissistic 2 sibling narcissistic friends narcissistic in the job narcissistic manager etc
We may very possibly be the common denominator as we don’t set our standards and consequences EARLY ON
The same fights over and over feeling unheard and unseen
People pleaser issue, working on boundaries now
Severed long term narc relationship with ex boyfriend of 30 yrs he simply crosses boundaries again and again, it was absolutely exhausting, he is struggling with the inability to grow up and seek any counseling. I cant fix it, didnt cause it, gotta walk away, he is nicey nice type thats why I liked him so much, we got along as long as I met his needs all of the time. Quite exhausting.
@@user-qv7vi2ls6j Peter Pan?
I prefer to be in prison than have dirty money 😂😂😂😂😂 , rise and repeat lol mdrrrr❤ I lack awareness
I think u just leave
What about a relationship with God? First we need to learn his name and his boundaries.
I'm new to your podcast. I discovered your wisdom via a Dr. Ramani youtube.
Welcome, glad to have you here!