Boundaries or Control? How to Identify Coercive Tactics - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 7. 06. 2024
- What would you think if you received this text from your partner? Or a friend received this text from their partner?
“If you need to have boundaryless, inappropriate friendships with men, model, post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, or have friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting lunch or coffee or something respectful, I am not the right partner for you. If these things bring you to a place of happiness I support it and there will be no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for romantic partnership.”
A few weeks ago, Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, shared a bunch of text messages he sent her when they were dating. Among them was the above list of “boundaries.” As you can imagine, this stirred up a lot of discussion online.
I fell into a Reddit hole about it and was stunned by the amount of misinformation out there about boundaries. People are truly unaware of the differences between coercion, abuse, effective boundaries, and control, which is what this episode is about.
I also talk about the signs of coercive control to watch for and why the Jonah Hill situation is more manipulative than it may seem.
Grab the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/boundaries-...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
2:40 - What are boundaries (and what aren't they)?
6:16 - What is control?
6:43 - What is coercive control?
7:47 - Signs of coercive control
11:10 - What to do if you're in an abusive relationship
12:02 - More signs of manipulation
13:49 - Manipulators flipping the script
16:00 - Setting boundaries for ourselves
Text messages referenced in the video: www.buzzfeednews.com/article/...
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• How to Avoid Covert Ma... - How to Avoid Covert Manipulation & Control
• Beware of These Common... - Beware of These Common Manipulation Tactics
• Spot Emotional Manipul... - Spot Emotional Manipulation
• Identify + Manage Abus... - Identify & Manage Abuse Enablers
• 20 Tips to Healthy Lov... - 20 Tips to Healthy Love
Resources for Safely Leaving an Abusive Relationship:
*If you are in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline listed below or call 911.
• How to safely leave an... - How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 & www.thehotline.org/
Women’s Law: www.womenslaw.org/index.php
National Network to End Domestic Violence: nnedv.org/
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: stoprelationshipabuse.org/
Office on Women’s Health, listing resources by state on violence against women:
www.womenshealth.gov/violence...
Domestic Shelters, discussing how to flee an abuser when you are with your children:
www.domesticshelters.org/dome...
The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, listing child custody saws by state:
www.ncjfcj.org/our-work/state-...
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
Community: terricole.com/vip
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #boundaries #emotionalabuse
Have you ever seen boundaries used to control someone else? What's your take on the Jonah Hill situation? Remember to download the free guide here: www.terricole.com/boundaries-or-control-guide
The guilt glue from the inside and the shame roping from the outside I’ve allowed has nearly destroyed me
Hi Terri, My main boundary is being treated with kindness & respect. Seems like common sense but have put up with narcissistic abuse more times than I'd like to admit. Our boundaries don't matter with those people bc they know everything & are always "right". They have no shame about being selfish, unfair, or rude (even with family members). How do I set my own boundaries without feeling selfish or inflexible, like them?
This is a struggle perhaps bc of the (controlling & negative) way it's been displayed by those close to me most of my life. I'm able to stand up for myself assertively yet fear the repercussions when I do (with certain family members) - seems futile to desire a healthy relationship, even in the final years.
My ex bf said I was controlling because I said I wasn't ok with him taking my dog on a winter road trip without me and staying in another state, then meeting up with me a day or two later on his way back home. I told him he could take his dog that was 2 yrs old, but my dog wasn't going. Our meet up location was on the way to where he wanted to go to, so I said just drop her off and then go the rest of the way. He said no I was being controlling. I tried to explain no I'm saying I don't want you taking my 16 yr old dog on a 2-3 day road trip without me. He said I didn't trust, was trying to sabotagehis plans and being controlling. My question is, was I being controlling, I felt like it was my boundary. I never said he couldn't go or couldn't take his dog, I felt it was too much for my dog and my heart and said no.
@@karynwebster6384has he abused it dog. Why don't u trust him with the dog. Also I expect him to trust u with his dog. Is it dog disabled or need meds . But at the end it's ur dog. But seems like u don't trust him with ur pet
@jborrego2406 She was 17 years old and developing weird behaviors. She has rarely been anywhere without me. He also has very different ideas on how to deal with an injury than I do.
I totally agree, boundaries are intended to keep one safe. To use them for anything else is manipulation.
I have not grown up with healthy dynamics in the family and honestly I am still confused what's okay and what's not.
Im learning too
You are so not alone ❤️ I have a boundary basics video that might help with that here: czcams.com/video/BPPXnKvHcAc/video.html I usually recommend a "resentment inventory" because starting with what is bothering us can be easiest.
I'm learning too, good to hear these boundary distinctions Terry and
thank you for the video link as well.
So helpful~ 😊
Same here. Its hard but we have to be vigilant.
“You know what buddy, I don’t give a shit what you like!” AMEN AMEN AMEN. Thank you Terri 🙏🏽
You are so welcome ❤️ Thanks for being here!
Thank you! I see people twist therapy speak to use against others.
It seems to be getting more and more common!
Terry this is why I don’t like Codependency either. It is used to pathologies attachment
Refusing to respect boundaries and encroaching on someone else's, is a form of coercive control. Whether people want to admit it or not.
What is also coercive control, is causing difficulties in someone's life, because they won't do exactly what you want.
I had to turn someone in who used to work an le job, because he's off psychiatric medication again, and has gone straight into psychosis, posting gaslighting and insanity all over the internet again.
I already made a pre -emptive phone call for a psych inpatient, so he can be stabilized on meds and not avoid liability for his actions, when it comes to court time.
He's ruined the lives of several people, and is STILL arrogant enough to keep riding back and forth across the neighborhood, in spite of the fact he's made all the neighbors feel a bit homicidal. (Most people are pissed when you constantly make disruptive noise when they are sleeping, including during the day)
The excuses I've heard from this guy are really out there. Last I knew, he was claiming he had some sort of magical powers, which is the red flag for a psych ward stay.
Terri, this is SO apt! I get accused of being "too sensitive" when I RE-state my boundary of insisting that I am spoken to with respect. The dueler says I'm trying to control the way she speaks to me. So over the abuse. Get OUT! Thank you for showing this up for what it is, brilliant explanation, and example, Terri. ❤
Thank you for sharing this example as well 💕
Cheers to her for being a model . There s nothing wrong with wearing bikini s and feeling great about yourself. I only learnt two years ago about boundaries. I used the word boundaries on someone a month ago and they were so shocked . I’ve experienced a lot of the control issues telling me how to spend my money telling me how to dress don’t wear that it makes you look chubby. The sad thing this is my mother and brother .including internet control monitoring my phone sick and unhealthy. Just because this was normal in my moms family it’s not ok with me . I’m breaking the cycle of these bad behaviour s .Yes I can dress how I want . But Terri the reason people like you is because you genuinely care about people . I love boundaries 😊
I am so sorry you're experiencing this with your mother and brother, and I am also glad you're breaking the cycle and seeing how boundaries are helpful for you ❤️
I’m so glad to hear your take on the issue. Thanks to BB, I knew how unhealthy it was and was bummed to see how many people including females were defending him. Let’s make BB required reading in classrooms. 😊
Thank you so much, Megan ❤️❤️ Glad BB helped!
Who is BB? I was guessing Brene Brown?
@@erikavaleries Good guess and also a great answer but I was referencing her book Boundary Boss. I’ve read it like 5 times and new stuff sticks each time.
@@meganengland3252 oh! Great to know! I need to read it now. Thanks for answering!
@@Patricia_Stewart337 thanks!!
Theory of mind/ lack of mentalisation plays a big part in this. I am not you. I am who I am and will be who I am. Amen. I always think, if someone doesn't like what their partner is doing, step back, breathe, and go in with curiosity and acceptance. We cannot change or influence our partner period. If James love apples and Joshua hates apples, that is ok. Joshua don't need to break up or stop James from doing what he loves, eating apples. If James offers Joshua an apple, it's ok for him to say, no thanks, but thanks for asking. That's a boundary.
Thanks Terri, I think there is alot of misue of psychology at the moment- especially around boundaries, gaslighting and nassastic behaviour. I also think people are so unexperieced at setting boundaries that they often do them in disfunctional way. Or people who can set a healthy boundary are labelled as demanding or difficult because people don't know how to respect other peoples boundaries to build a functional relationship. If only we were taught this at school. Thanks for opening the discussion. 😊
I feel you, Renee ❤️ These terms do get thrown around a lot and there is so much dysfunction as none of us were taught these things!
Hey Terri, can you write a book for all women on how they could potentially test men before they get so invested that they end up being controlled and abused. This should be in school curriculum for women the cardinal rule is to never invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose, and I applied Brady for standing in her power to that fool, it’s too bad she didn’t see the or him for what he is at the cause. He completely wasted her precious valuable time. Good on her. Women need to be taught in childhood, to stay strong with super great self-esteem, and to hold their power
"Women need to be taught in childhood to stay strong with super great self-esteem and to hold their power" 🙌🙌 Agreed!
I did write a book about boundaries, called Boundary Boss, and I believe that setting boundaries early and often when dating will give you great information about a person. If your date cannot respect your boundaries, pushes back, or makes you feel 'wrong' for having them, that can tell you a lot.
I also often tell clients to "pump the breaks" if they feel like things are moving too fast. If your person doesn't respond well to you being away for a weekend or a week, that may also be a warning sign.
Yeah, I totally agree. There’s definitely a huge difference between boundaries and coercion. I’ve lost track of the numerous times that I was sexually coerced and not just by men also by women, from late teens into mid 20s. It was before I was willing to admit that I was a lesbian, but that’s a whole other topic. I think for me it stems from growing up in a home where you can’t say no to adults, everybody is you know right except you, and having to be self sacrificing and please other people. Which unfortunately also led to me being raped at 17. Just now at 35, I’m really starting to set boundaries and protect myself, and not allow myself to be put in situations that could do potential harm and leave lifelong scars.
I am so sorry you experienced coercion repeatedly, Olivia 💕 I am glad you're taking the steps to avoid harmful situations. That is a great way to show yourself love!
@@terri_cole sexual coercion isn’t considered rape, is it?
Oh yeah! I had a boyfriend that told me my shorts were too short, my hair was too blonde and that I purposely position myself when we go out so people will come and talk to me. Much more sicko stuff after I broke up with him. Exactly what you are talking about. Thanks for sharing 💗
I am so glad you were able to get out of that relationship ❤️
hello lovely Terri - - once again - another great podcast! Thank you for saving me emotionally. I have your book, took your class, read your newsletters and watch all your youtubes. So helpful! This one on boundary control and manipulation reminds me of most of my relationships and my abusive marriage. I am not that same person anymore. I will not tolerate this behavior anymore. Thank you for all you do to help us -
I appreciate you, Linda ❤️ "I will not tolerate this behavior anymore" 🙌🙌
Thank you so much
I suffered this and it was so helpful to have it articulated and clarified
I am so sorry you experienced this kind of control, though I am glad the video was helpful 💕
I love you, Terri and I'm so glad that I've found your channel. You're always very well-spoken. Many times it's like someone switched the lights on.
This video made me question my relationship. Can you, please, elaborate on this subject in your future videos?
Thank you for your awesome work!
Thank you, I am so glad my videos are helpful 💕 I'm not sure which aspect has you questioning your relationship, but I have done other videos on manipulation. These may help:
czcams.com/video/QdzSgcXNIoQ/video.html
czcams.com/video/XOQDvsK5qcA/video.html
czcams.com/video/PM8LtRxeFDQ/video.html
czcams.com/video/jh16UgGI0Lc/video.html
I also have a video on trauma bonds coming out next week.
I agree with you 100%....those were not boundaries. Thank you Terri for all your videos....they have really helped me....
I am so glad my videos have been helpful for you ❤️
Great video as always Terri. I love your work and so appreciate you!!!
Thank you so much ❤️ I appreciate you spending your time here!
Love this book and am deep in my boundary lessons. Thank you so much for information and it's helping so much!
So happy to hear it's helping you! 💕
I had to LOL with how passionate Terri was in this video. Fbombs and all, I loved it! 😂🎉❤
❤️🔥❤️
Terri, you are exactly right!
Dang Terri you just so clearly explained that by flipping the script!!
I'm glad the example was helpful ❤️
I just thought of the movie. Sleeping with the enemy. It's scary.
Loved your book! Love your work! I have been using your tools! Thank you 🙏 ❤
I am so happy to hear that, Sally ❤️ Thank YOU!
@@terri_cole You are most welcome! I appreciate all that you give back and the passion you have! I have learned so much. And thank you for following up with a reply!
Hello! I’ve followed you for a while, but realized I haven’t introduced myself. So, hi from the PNW. Thank you for sharing all of your content over the years. Truly transformative and door opening for doing some good self reflection. 🎉
So glad to have you here, Kayt ❤️ Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Im in a confusing spot with this but I highly appreciate your channel as I no longer have insurance to see my therapist and have no one to talk to about my relationship to distinguish what’s okay or not. The signs of abuse are thin but there’s always me being the one at fault for everything or flipping the script and turning themselves into the victim always.. can’t wait to read your book ❤
I am so sorry you're experiencing this ❤️ I have a few other videos that may help:
czcams.com/video/XOQDvsK5qcA/video.html
czcams.com/video/dE2bf5orrag/video.html
czcams.com/video/GMfyJv98N5A/video.html
Thank you Teri...
Very helpful, much appreciated.
So glad it was helpful ❤️
I have toxic relatives who have been doing this for years. Also, divorce now 4 years. My ex was somewhat like this. He played both side. My toxic relatives have been the real devil by doing a lot of this. I went through hell, and they still do messed up stuff and try to act like what they be doing is normal. Bs. Respect, boundaries and no tracking and attempts to control. When they start mess over the truth. Tracking the phone as well. I see who really needs help. It is very toxic and unhealthy. I'm 44 years of age, not a little child of theirs or property
It IS toxic and unhealthy. Good for you for recognizing that after all of these difficult experiences ❤️❤️
Thank you for this, so important!
💕
Thank you for this video. It was very informative.
You are so welcome, thanks for being here 💕
Thank you .. this is very helpful 🙏🏻
I am so glad to hear it was helpful! ❤️
I wish I could like this video as many times as I have watched it and listened to it while working (I'm an artist now, no longer flying commercial freight so I get to multi-task even MORE! 😂), and just slurping up the very real and extremely important differentiation of boundaries vs. control. Thank you is "manini" (hawaiian dictionary...😅) for what you have given...us.
Love ur book!
Thank you so much ❤️
Your kimono matches your eyes and complexion ! ❤
Thank you for this.
❤️
My Ex would use his BPD diagnosis to say “flooding” and would stop any conversation.
It was always about winning. He was manipulative and abusive using therapy language
self harm as a form of control - "if you leave me I'll....... " this hurts so much
What if you didn't realize something was a dealbreaker for you at the beginning of a relationship because you ignored your own feelings about it? Said to yourself that you shouldn't be so difficult? And realized later (after you've grown) that it is indeed a dealbreaker and you're now communicating this in your relationship. Hope that isn't seen as control... For me this is a new insight (or at least: a dealbreaker you're now ready to live by)
You have every right to grow and change. And you have every right to your dealbreakers. So have the conversation and then you must be willing to let the chips fall where they may. ❤️
I’m really struggling with the gray area of this stuff. I didn’t have boundaries in the beginning of our relationship and now, 9 years later, I’m learning about them and I want to make sure I’m applying them the right way. So many of these things in this video I am relating to but I don’t know how to navigate it.
Have you checked out my book, Boundary Boss? It's available in libraries as I wanted to make it as accessible as possible. ❤️ That's the easiest place to get all my boundary info. I have tons of videos about boundaries on my channel: www.youtube.com/@terri_cole/search?query=boundaries
I would also say that setting boundaries later in a relationship when you didn't know about boundaries at all beforehand is a different situation than what I am talking about here. In this specific example, Jonah Hill was attracted to Sarah Brady because of what she posted on her Instagram, and then later turned around and told her to stop posting that content (and essentially, to stop living the lifestyle she had). If you approach your partner and lovingly tell them you've realized you have desires and limits after self-reflection, have an open conversation about it, AND you give your partner time to adjust, that is not coercive control. I hope that makes sense ❤️
Boundaries a fence around your own property. Not on your neighbors property or your neighbors fence on your property.
K. I. S. S
Keep It Super Simple
So into this the last few months where I realized I have so much desire for control. But in my case, it is not like these examples that you mentioned, it is more a strong desire for controling my whole life(+perfectionism🙄), and also other people but I am just trying not to do that. Please, can you talk about that? Perfectionism,desire for controling everything and that deep crave for everything to be done in a specific(my) way. Like, I don't want to control my kids one day and I am afraid I will .....dear Terri, so much warm greetings from Croatia❤🥰❤
Hey there 💕 I have done some videos on perfectionism, and high-functioning codependency has a big control aspect to it, which is what a lot of my videos are about! Try these:
czcams.com/video/U3-0NcbTbYE/video.html
czcams.com/video/G6HVyMRsRks/video.html
czcams.com/video/T6RWDteCfWg/video.html
Ultimately, a lot of it comes from our childhood as well. If you grew up with a perfectionistic parental impactor, that may have influenced your behavior (because you had to prove your worth for love in that kind of dynamic). I also recommend asking yourself the 3 Qs when the need for control arises: 1) Who does this person remind me of? 2) Where have I felt like this before? and 3) Why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me? 💕
@@terri_cole thank you, will work on that definitely, I think there is so much freedom when we don't try to control😊
Great video but now I have many questions. How do you deal with family members who have boundaries ("normal" to extreme) which seem to keep you at a distance? They're admittedly stubborn & set in their ways, display several NPD traits (eg, need for control & order, gaslighting, polarized thinking, condescension), and use excuses for lack of interaction. I've accepted the fact that NC/grey rock is better for my own mental health due to some stressful situations over the years, yet I struggle with guilt bc time is precious due to my dad's age & health conditions. His wife is the covert one, likely contributing to the rift... Or is she? 🧐🤔
What your describing sounds less like boundaries and more like control issues, and I am sorry you're experiencing this 💕 NC and grey rock to protect your mental health sounds like a good idea. As for the guilt, I have a video that might help: czcams.com/video/a-A3aGzGb2Q/video.html
You have to honor your experiences and feelings, too. There might be something to mourn here as well. ❤️
I was starting to get good at setting boundaries like with my mom but my problem is I always let them slip and I feel she takes advantage of my boundaries too
It is so difficult to set boundaries with our closest family members because we have been doing the same dance with them the longest. ❤️ Give yourself some grace, and don't be afraid to set consequences if your mom oversteps your boundaries.
Exactly - dysfunctional boundry bullies call boundries controling..... been there..... My brother does that and I get it..... My father is a self-centered selfish manipulative covert narcissist..... I understand how traumatized people who dont understand boundries.... have not done the work to understand the borders of responsibility ...... they misuse these usually helpful psychology terms....
I agree with the definitions. But what about if you state you don’t accept the fact your boyfriend maintains and entertains close communication / connection with and ex, who’s been “on and off” and creates a trigger to your behaviour? What if you state this nicely as a boundary and you respond by being respectful with your own behaviour towards any exes? What if the person in front of me is not respecting this despite promising he’ll do? This escalated to coerciveness after some point I believe, because you love this person and you don’t want to lose him
This might be a deal breaker for you, and you have the right to have deal breakers. I did this video on it: czcams.com/video/fn8Av478FHw/video.html ❤️
Thank you so much for this Terri. I, recently have been thinking a lot about boundaries! Someone like me always worries, Am I enforcing my boundaries or am I being vindictive?
You're welcome ❤️ I hope it was helpful!
@@terri_cole "I had as lief have been myself alone." - William Shakespeare - 'As You Like It'
😂😂I have no idea who those two people are but I completely understand your point!
Glad it was still useful! 💕
That’s literally what’s many men do!!! 🤦♀️
They pervert the word boundary.
You can say that again!
I had a falling out with a friend and she refused to speak to me about what happened between us, saying that was her boundary. Basically she said I was allowed to talk to her about anything except that. Is that boundaries or control?
Control, and I'm sorry your friend is refusing to speak about this ❤️
One thing I did in my younger days was, I never changed another with impossible boundaries; I accepted her as she was, and discussed things I felt uncomfortable about. All in all, it became evident there was too many things that did not match, thus we are still friends.
If he had stated that from the get go would it have been not coercive? At the beginning of my relationship my partner had all of these girls he had slept with on his social media and was always in contact with them I said I am not comfortable with that so I have no idea why you need to be in contact with them all when youve had a sexual relationship. I guess thats coercive but it made me feel so insecure.
It is a boundary request if you set it up from the beginning as a deal-breaker and he agreed to not be in touch with all his exes. It sounds like you mentioned it but he did not agree. I'm sorry you're experiencing that 💕
How can you help someone that you see this happening to? or is there anything you can do if they have cut you off and don't recognize it?
We cannot make someone see what they are not ready to see. ❤️ I know it is painful. If you've already tried and they cut you off, then it might be time to take a step back. Be there for them if and when they do recognize it.
@@terri_cole Thank you. I am learning so much from your videos and book. Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experience.
Is it controlling to budget with your partner and try to limit spending on frivolous things?? I feel like that’s necessary. Like what if your partner wants to buy a sports car you can’t afford, and then they tell you you’re controlling when you tell them they can’t do that?
Budgeting is an important part of being financially stable and figuring out how to do it together or apart is what every couple has to do. I had a client who insisted on having separate finances with her husband because he was financially irresponsible and she had had bad experiences in the past. There's a great book that might help you called, Money: A Love Story by my pal Kate Northrup. ❤️
oh reddit would have FLIPPED the F out if she did the same thing to Jonah Hill..the usual thing... ok for men to do, not ok for women.
I would really love to have a conversation with you. How can that be possible ?
Hi Melina, I don't offer 1:1 coaching or therapy anymore as I'm trying to help make mental health information more accessible on a global level through my videos, courses, and books. 💕
The therapy words “boundaries” and I am sorry Terri I don’t like Codependency either. I prefer Attachment style. It pathologies commitment imho
I wonder how many multitudes of actors, actresses and models had to divorce in order to rescue both their careers and identities. Bette Davis famously explained the cause of her various divorces in this manner: "None of my husbands was man enough to become Mr. Bette Davis." If you don't want an actress to continue acting after marriage, then don't date actresses. If you don't want a model to continue modeling, then don't date models- or date one with a law degree who plans to make a career change after saying "I do." Models, actresses and artists don't do what they do just for the sake of one man or person or to seek a mate (although some might, let's be honest). Most do what they do because that's what they do, and it ain't just for YOU; it is to create great art and to be valued, in more than one way, for their natural beauty and abilities. It's tragic that some people destroy the thing they love by asking them to become their SOLE/Soul possession.
Well said, thank you ❤️
@@terri_cole
Dealing with coieceve control right now my dad is very narcissistic and he acts very hypocritical.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Dear Terri, if you see this, please tell me, when your partner says i met you when you had this body( curvy 60kgs) and but because now you are so thin (43kg - i lost kilos due to mental anxiety disorder and family/health trauma), i dont want to have sex with you until you get back in shape. And he means it. He has not chased me for sex for 8 years now. We are together 10. Ichase him, and it happens very rare ( 10 times year max). And i am only 30 and he is 36. What is that? His boundary or control? Or something else that i cant find the words for? I admit i didnt try do get back in shape until now, i assume its because i wasn't feeling ready to try
I agree, insofar as he knew this was her life, before they met. It was ludicrous to assume he could impose 'boundaries', which, in effect, require her to become an entirely different person. Even if she'd deigned to comply, how he thought she would be happy, for any length of time, is deluded. One tiny caveat is that he doesn't clarify what he considers "boundaryless, inappropriate relationships with men". For my part, that would be a prerequisite in any such relationship; but maybe that's just me (again, depending on his definition). Quite how a 'surfer/model' satisfies sponsors and promotes herself, without bathing suit pictures, is beyond me.
All that said, his 'requirements' do infact mirror my own. The difference is I'd never even begin a relationship with someone perfectly content with a life that I couldn't tolerate. It would be disasterous for both parties, in my opinion. His text may have been perfectly reasonable, if she'd worked as a secretary/mechanic/nurse etc... AND he'd laid them out on the first date. Personally, if these boundaries are discovered to be already well and truly breached, I'd explain (again, on first discovery) that we could not have a successful relationship. I see no point in attempting to change a person who is perfectly content with the life they've carved out. I could never provide the life that keeps them happy. As you may suspect, I'm not in a relationship and struggle to imagine finding a modern woman I could tolerate (or would tolerate me!😊).
It strikes me that one big difference between "boundaries" and "manipulation/coercion" is not necessarily the actual words, but the context.
Thanks for sharing- context does matter! As you said, "how he thought she would be happy, for any length of time, is deluded." It's one thing to set boundaries at the beginning of a relationship, it's another to suddenly decide to have them months in.
@@terri_cole - Totally agree.
I watched your video about vulnerable narcissists and then started looking for a way to deal with "mine". Only to come here and realize I have become controlling and manipulative. Probably not to the degree you talk about here (yet) but how on earth did this happen? I've become a screaming, demanding, eye rolling bitch. I'm pretty sure I wasn't before. Talk about toxic! Now that I have heard this, I can recognize what is happening when it is happening, I hope. Once again, I have to get back to therapy. I do not want to be the person I've become. Just because he's got problems doesn't mean I had to become a problem.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Self-awareness is so critical and it is great you're able to recognize it when it's happening, and also that therapy may help. I am cheering you on along your journey ❤️
Wow this could be taken out of context and used very well against Christian based marriages, if you think man will be silent about spouse putting herself out there, you expect men to do their part and more yet when it comes to women then measure is completely different..and God forbid you point something out that you have concern with..