What is "coercive control"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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- čas přidán 20. 04. 2020
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
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It is even more dangerous when the narcisist is extremely intelligent
mnikaluza yuwaste ☝🏻 yeah... I can attest to that. It has been a freakin nightmare.
Sounds like the men in my family. All have very hi I Q levels. Also no empathy or compassion. The reason I never married. I didn't want another man like that in my life.
Luckily only 17% are
@@donnakelley1202 this sounds like my brothers. I’m w someone but im scared and feel unsafe at times bc I can’t tell if it’s my obsessive mind or if it’s really him
I'm convinced that a large number of criminals in prisons all over are exactly that: narcissists, either intelligent or UNintelligent.
"Coercive control results in slowly hijacking a person's life, stealing their independence, stealing their ability to take action and governing every move that they make. It is controlling, it is manipulative, and it is exploitative "
"In a word coercive control is relational imprisonment."
Thank you Dr Ramani. You have said it all.
That is what happened to me. My wife thought I cheated and put me in prison. I developed Anxiety and Depression like a caged animal. I left , by sneaking out the door.. the minute I left , I ended up Trauma bonded to her , and want her back! Can you believe that !?
Spot on
“There’s literally almost no way to get a sense of reality.” You just lifted so much shame from me for why I tolerated this b.s.
I’m still speechless that I tolerated so much. It’s like I’ve been asleep or hypnotized for years.
You have horse therapy to help you through.
I feel the same way. Its actually embarrassing when i try to explain it to others...although its no use because no one understands what ive been through. Makes it even more difficult
Coercive control= "Relational imprisonment" Very true!
She’s such a beautiful and caring woman. The selflessness it must take to spend this much time trying to help people who were hurt by narcissists is amazing to me, I’m so grateful
Zelda King I agree!
I find dr Ramani is really easy to listen to. It's not stressful to hear her, she just states things how they are. A lot of utube posts about narcissism, but dr Ramani is very practical and extremely helpful.
So am I
She is a literal angel. Her videos saved me from a relationship with a sociopath, I don't know if I would have ever gotten out if I hadn't found her.
I'd happily wait the 3 months it probably takes to get in as a new patient of hers. She's incredible and has helped me see what my relationship was and this has made moving on so much easier than I expected.
For me, the psychological abuse has been more damaging than the physical abuse. Decades later I can't recall all the physical abuse but the open wounds and scars of the psychological abuse remain.
Absolutely, the psychological abuse undermines your sense of self. You start believing that you are all the horrible things they say you are. You doubt your own thoughts & feelings. You are so confused that all you feel is internal pain & sometimes it manifests into physical symptoms. The worst part for me was the self doubt & questioning my own sanity, the bad choices i made before i found this channel & started to understand & heal. Thank you Dr Ramani, you have helped me so much.
Same.... N my childhood... So controlling. Yet abuse is still predominantly seen as physical but the mental and emotional psychological abuse is what wrecks us..🙏✌️🤗👋🐾
And they say you are crazy and do not remember the abuse and deny it happened and use family courts to keep control after they are gone with conservatorships.
@@KristinaTurnerAquarius that's what I get - something is wrong with me and then I get told what 'really' happened.
My friends are always amazed with my memory, but my mother is always telling me that my memory is dysfunctional.
That’s what I hear from everyone who has been through abuse. The psychological abuse was far more damaging and far more difficult to make peace with than the physical abuse. The body heals more easily from injury than the mind does.
It’s so hard for someone who has never been in one of these relationships to begin to understand what this is like on a moment to moment level. Thank you for making me sane!!
I came out of my childhood of extreme control and heavy gaslighting with no sense of self or reality. I thought I was worthless, unlovable and also not able to love. My mum is a malignant narc and gaslit the shit out of me by projecting all her faults on me. It was incredible to watch my reality kinda bending back into shape as I left home and I found out I was actually the total opposite of what I believed. I had to get to know myself. Such a strange experience but so freeing.
I remember vividly when I was a child, for the longest time, I was praying that my mother would just die. That's how bad it was and that's how helpless I felt.
I used to say, it wasn't so bad, others had it far worse, I was mostly okay.
But now looking back, it was actually pretty bad...
I got anxiety and PTSD from it. But I am healing and I've got some great friends who help me.
💜
"Oh! But he takes such good care of you and your daughter, and he ALWAYS talks about how much he loves you!"
JazGem Yep.! They know only too well how to give that impression!
Exactly!!!! All to disguise his wolf identity
True, they speak the best of the one they are abusing, as a way to invalidate the partner or victim in case he or she speaks up
Gah! This made me feel sick! I used to hear that same type of thing, as well as how “grateful” I should be and how “lucky” I was. It still enrages me.
I fucking haaaaaaaate this bullshit about talking to others they love me, fuck that, love is attitude not words
I used to have to wear a bluetooth headset everywhere I went so my narc could hear everything anyone said to me. Almost 8 years free.
Lol
Unbelievable.. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. It must have been hell.
Same, but not exactly. He’d talk to me the entire time I was working. Couldn’t even get off the phone to listen to music or just relax.
@@victoriarosewilder 😣
@@jannieschluter9670 funny where?
Coercive control also happens with parents to children. My parents did this to me
Same here
for me it was my older sister and my parents enabled it
My parents are doing this to me now, even when I was younger. They threaten to take my basic needs away, take my freedom away, and isolate me from people who care about me if I say no or don't do what they ask me to do.
My sister did all of this to me for many years. A malignant narcissist, she tried to kill me 32 times before i was 7. My parents worked 12 hours a day, often 7 days a week for years. They only saw the tip of the iceberg. They were marvellous people & loved me very much, so I was fortunate, but circumstances were that they had to work very hard. They sent her to boarding school to give me safety, but I could never tell them about the extent of her abuse because of her violent threats. I have spent 30 years undoing the horrendous damage done. Only now are memories locked away by sheer terror surfacing.
This is the exact thing I am experiencing right now and it happens very slowly and before you know it you're looking like a homeless person in your own home.
It took me 5 years and 2 beautiful kids later to realize that I was married to a narcissist. I'm navigating the murky situation to the best of my ability. I'm a survivor! Planning my timely exit.
Enaah the Virgo: Run! Run like hell out of it! There is nothing which could be worse than losing your sanity, your mind and dignity with someone who does such things to you! I stayed. Too long. He destroyed me completely during 35 years of marriage. 10 years later I'm still trying to get on my feet.
You feel like a prisoner behind bars
Sending you strength.
Mimi Boucher
Not to step on your good intentions, but is it really a good idea to put your contact info in a public CZcams comment section??
I have watched and subscribed to SEVERAL channels about narcissism. None of them are as thorough and understanding as this one! Dr. Ramani, thank you for the time, talent and resources you spent in making this content. You are greatly appreciated!
I agree! She's easy to listen to without having to put 100 percent of your attention. I clean house or do laundry or cook and listen. I now understand my 30 year marriage! Thank you, Dr Ramani!
This has to change.
No one deserves to be treated like this and it just keeps going on with no change.
I would call this COERCIVE CONTROL of a very broken system that encourages lives to be diminished or lost.
This has to change now!
Blessings
If you have empathy and are in a position to do SOMETHING about you Will!
Agree
Dr Ramani is a true light worker. She is a blessing to the world
Hi Michelle... I find Dr Ramani... In the morning n Dr Les carter in an afternoon really help me ✌️🙏🤗👋🐾
Also job wise- They will make it so very difficult to even focus to KEEP the job and you usually lose it.
Often after I had spoken with someone on the phone, my ex would mention that person as if he had talked to them recently too. Always wondered how he knew, later found out he was tracking all my calls. Creepiest feeling..
You are not alone. It's really creepy.
Yes! This happened to me too!!! It’s so freaky... its as if you’re the unauthorized victim in a horror flick and your narc is the producer, director and the lead actor
Chiming in to comment as a victim of narc cyber stalking as well! My ex tracked everything I did on my cellphone, but raged and denied it if I ever called him out. They are scary individuals. Anyone who feels the need to monitor another person's private activity and communication 24/7 is committing a crime!! Stay safe everyone.
I found other ppl not believing what i was saying about the narcissist ex boyfriend, even worse than the narc abuse
The narcissist will keep in contact with friends. He does so to gain information. Remember knowledge is power. Limit what you tell your friends because they will become flying monkeys for him. If necessary break friendships. Work at getting your power back. It does take time, You will come back stronger.
Brian Ruth so true! The rest of my family were all flying monkeys for my mother. I’ve just cut all contact and will never ever reengage. Free finally after 38 years!
They are enablers
@Serpent Goddess my aunts husbands have high salaries and provide stability, but they have payed and continue to pay, dearly, for years of gaslighting and emotional abuse. Most of my aunts immediate family members are marvelled by how lucky they are. They tell them that all marriages have ups and downs, and it isn't that bad for them compared to their and other marriages
@@brianruth5607 i wasnt asking for advice. This was years ago. I moved on. Just expressing my experience. It seems ppl have lost the ability to just listen and take on board what others are saying. Which is where others can really help a persons healing.
This hits home, Dr Ramani. You just described my life to a T. By the time I reached the point of discard, I had lost everything, including my identity. I could barely recognise myself. I had become what he conditioned me to be. And the saddest part, my children have only seen this side of me while they look up to their father because he knows how to play the cards. He has flying monkeys hovering around him, validating his lies, while I stand alone as a result of 2 decades of isolation and financial dependence.
Omg this is me too. The guilt of allowing this to come between my children and I is overwhelming.
Praying for both of you.. hope the healing is fast for you.
I pray for you. I bless you with love and light!
@Serpent Goddess Get your strenght back sugar, your kids are brain washed to be his buddy. I'd decided long ago, I'm their mom not their friend (they've lots of those) and told them as much, you can't put an an old head on a young person's shoulders. Woman up, a marriage is 50/50 and it can't only be the way he wants it. You've got alot of work to do on a daily basis, he's not worth it but your kids are! 😝 🚮 😘 🎠
@Serpent Goddess You are so lucky having no children. - I wish I had had an abortion, so many years ago - turned out to be the absolute worst thing for me to continue to have the child I had (Now he's a grown, evil person.)
I've lived this with my ex. Isolated, insulted, stalked, gaslighted, etc. I was lucky to get away before it got worse but it was a hard process. I really feel for those in these situations.
My mother did 90% of these things to me. I started shaking as I listened to this. My eyes widen in shock as I remembered; it all came back to me. I've never recovered from those years. She was a sadistic, psychopath or malignant narcissist, who had everyone convinced she was a saint and could seduce people feeling sorry for her as if she was a victim or good mother. There was no one to turn to for help. She should have been put in prison.
There are many parents who are very controlling and/or narcissistic and until kids wake up their ways are tolerated..
I’m divorced but the Narc has moved onto our little one (50/50 shared co-parenting which I parallel parent from my end) how can I protect my little one who cannot quite yet express all the manipulation, gas lighting & stress. I can pinpoint things going on because I can put 2 & 2 together when my little one tries to explain things to me but I need help on how my little one can help himself when he’s at the Narc’s house - he’s at the mercy and essentially a sitting duck on the other side. Any help, Any suggestions will undoubtedly help!
@Jessica Rivera I don't know what or how to help you except for the one thing I wished I had growing up with a Covert/Malignant narcissistic mother who use to beat me when my dad was at work a long with taking my toys from me among other things she did to me is "I wished I could had gone to my dad and told him, but he was emotionally unavailable and he worked so much that I went months without seeing him. I know if he knew what my NM was doing things would have been different. Let your child know that he can come to you about anything and just keep telling him that and how loveable he is. I wished I had that. I know this isn't a lot of help & hopefully someone else will have better advice for you. I'm in tears writing this...for the little girl that never got help and for your little one who will be faced with such pain. Let him know he can always talk to you & watch out for signs such as bed wetting, change in behavior, and quietness (turning inward or keeping to himself). May God be with you both.🙏💔
@@jessicarivera4348 Contact Dr. Ramani directly. Her contact information is in her bio
This episode brought tears to my eyes, Dr Ramani. I was married to a malignant narcissist for over 40 years. I finally was able to get out. My heart goes out to those who experience this now. You are such a treasure!! Please keep up this work.
Well done you, that must have been quite an achievement!
Same here, still there from 40 years , I don’t know how to get out. Can’t find a way
23 years for me! 16 years free. Just learned that I was living with narcissist. Thought something was wrong with me. Thank you.
Respect ✊🏻
That's terrible... I feel for you girl...
Such Narcs use informants to keep track of you and your whereabouts. You think you can trust people around you, but what you don't know is that the narc --in my case, my mother--- has rallied them, and is constantly asking them seemingly harmless questions about you + also smearing your reputation behind your back. Wishing strength and courage to you all.
Yes
Same.
My mother did this too; had her servants working at my high school and they would report to her and I would get in trouble as soon as she got home from work.
This just hit home for me when she said they isolate you from work. When I was pregnant with my child my boyfriend at the time said I could stay home I didn't have to work. After I had my kid he told me like oh I got it all working you stay home with the child. Then he would tell me I don't do nothing but stay home he would belittle what I've done for our child and make it seem like he's done more for our child. He's put me through so much emotional and mental abuse and I didn't realize he was a narcissist until I left him for good.
It sickens me that because there's no "physical" violence, that the abusers just get to walk away free while the victim has life long damage.
The hardest part is to find out why you ended up in a toxic relationship.
Being honest to myself.....
Yes, my recovery involved delving deep into my side of the street, what behaviors i was presenting, & allowing by remaining there. I even had to repeat the whole scenario with a second marriage. So, some of the issues were mine. Even now, online dating, i have to be extremely awake to the subtleties of men's behavior or remarks toward me, & if it is in the least bit controlling, angry, & pushy, i block 'em.
@@angaeltartarrose6484 ditto on every level. It’s wonderful to SEE the flags now though. Good job on the self work. You’ll be ready for,your happiness 🙏✌️
It took a few months for it to sink in that I was coerced and r**ed. I'm hurting do fking bad
This was hard for me to watch. I left a 30 yr relationship with a psychopath 5 years ago, and this is the first time I have heard the term coercive control. It describes my relationship so well that I can't finish watching the video right now. Too triggering. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you are really helping so many of us gain emotional wisdom!
The book isn't that triggering: "Coercive Control", Evan Stark
It gets better, Mari...but it can take many years to truly heal from PTSD if you don't get the EMDR and other trauma treatment you deserve.
I didn't get that professional help, and now that I've healed and am back to the person I was BEFORE I met the malignant narcissist, and all the many symptoms of the PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome are gone, I now know I suffered for much longer than I needed to suffer.
I'm not at all trying to tell you what to do, I am only hoping that others don't take as long to heal as I did.
Wishing you the absolute best. I know how hard it is to go that road alone with the cognitive dissonance that is usually present in the beginning.
❤❤
This video was truly terrifying and eye opening. It gave me goosebumps multiple times. Because I was hearing an exact representation of the malignant narcissist I was in a relationship with for 6 year. The isolation and manipulation, constantly texting and calling. Wondering where I was, who I was with; when I would be back. Insisting in ALWAYS involving themselves in whichever and almost always every situation I was in. The demands; when to go to bed (always the same time) forcing me to cuddle every single and if upon waking we weren’t, hearing about it immediately. Having to wake when they did, just to sit there and watch them prepare for work. Gaslighting and devaluing when I simply wanted to spend time with me friends alone. “Why wouldn’t you want me there! Why do you need “alone” time?!” On my days off keeping me at home waiting for them while they worked. Constant fear and worry that I would do something to enrage them. Forcing sex on me when I just wasn’t in the mood, and could you be when dealing with just disdain for the person. Which did eventually all lead to getting physically abused very violently. This brought up memory after memory of what I went through. THANK YOU Dr. Ramani for giving me some validation and release.
in the beginning, you could never do anything wrong, you are on top of the cloud. in the end, you could never do anything right, you are in the bottom of a dark pit. This person brings you lots of sunshine just to suck every bit of light out of your life in the end.
End of the saddest relationship.
Narcissistic mother and narcissistic husband=No support, severe PTSD for me... Thank you so much for these videos and the kind community here...,stay strong...
I pray for your healing and happiness. I bless you with love and light.
Prayer
A Mother. But for 40 long years...Now educating NOT to align with male narcists. Uff....
Same here
Same
Guilt-trips, I believe, are the most commonly used method of control, even by relatively normal people with a narcissistic streak. Because the world's fate depends on you feeling guilty. Because person X's happiness depends on your collaboration. Because it would be selfish of you to not allow me to be selfish.
Excellent observation thank you for saying this it spoke to me.
@@monicadlynn Me too!
The end sentence was so powerful, I hope this can change my life.
I've had guilt trips....and they are EASY compared to true, coercive control, which leaves someone with a combinations of PTSD and Stockholm-syndrome-like symptoms, and it takes YEARS of your life because your brain is left to heal from the trauma.
I would take guilt trips ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, EVERY WEEK compared to coercive control. Guilt trips are a cake walk by comparison.
You nailed this. Absolutely nailed it. Thank you.
My narc convince my love ones that I was the abuser.
Oh my word, yes, my mother did this with me. She always made everyone else seem bad according to her own standards.
Ugh, this one almost made me vomit....I can't believe I ever lived this way.
I was stressed out and educated watching this. I lived like that and believed it was normal, that I deserved it. Its almost harder to embrace the truth.
Same
I know, me too.
yes. made me cry.
Joanna Payne sane, I’ve been away from him longer then I was with him and still working on healing. ✌🏼❤️💪🏼
That’s the vivid image of my dad. He has done everything you say to me since I was a girl until now that I’m 35. I have not been able to listen to the video in a single attempt because it has woken me up a lot of anxiety. It has been very useful to me to make it clear that I should not feel guilty for avoiding my father's harassment, even though he’s over 80 years old. Thanks from Mexico.
Me too, it's just too detrimental to our own well being, we owe it to ourselves (especially after being robbed of so much normalcy so they can cleanse their evilness upon us) and other good people who deal with us to keep calm and carry on, set a better example than behaving like a tyrant because we can with disregard for those who love us' feelings!
Nathalie Mancilla I have gone very minimum contact with my mother after over 60 years to give myself more space to heal. I am reading Pete Walker’s book on The Tao of Fully Feeling and finding it very helpful, as is his first book on C-PTSD. Good luck 💕
You deserve room to heal, and he is no longer worthy of your attention! take care nathalie
I’m 34 and I wanted to tell you . You’re not alone.
When you bring it up they say, “Don’t put that on me, you did that to yourself.”
He would rather kill me by sabotaging my vehicle, having me slip in the shower- then to leave me. Because he is that worried about what people think of him. I get it now. I just couldn't wrap my mind around that before. This video struck my heart.
I'm not religious but you're doing god's work. . . can't think of any other way to put it without understating!
Also just to point out coercive control is probably just as often between parents and children. Malignant narcissists don’t want to let their children go and they’ll use finances and general chaos to try to keep them at bay
Chioma ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! 👍🏻
exactly
Yes yes yes
P C
Correct. I live with parents like this, they constantly want to know my whereabouts when I leave the house, I have to share a room with my narc mother and then on top of that have a boyfriend who shows manipulative traits. I find it difficult to really do anything about my situation, the anxiety and the fear of turning out to be like them fucks me up. I need to free myself some way some how
"A person who is living through or experiencing coersive control is living in constant fear."
- describes how I feel around my mother. Describes my whole life till I was 26. Says a lot about a parent as well.
Thanks for this video.
this is my mother too. I have incredibly intense fear, PTSD kicks in when I hear my phone vibrate because I got a text. I'm 27 and it still does that to me. Malignant narc mothers are so scary. They almost seem non human sometimes.
Anybody remember Julia Roberts movie where she's trapped in a beautiful beach house in the middle of nowhere and her partner thinking that she can't swim? Its spot on 🙏
The abuse no, but that’s exactly how I feel, he lays awake hating the world all night😞
Exactly what I felt like for 20 years. Thought of this movie so often before I left and after I got out.
My mother references this movie a lot when I tell her the details of my situation. Spot on film.
Yes, I thought of this movie in this video and in the last one I watched.
Sleeping with the enemy
This is astonishing! As it is exactly what I went through with my ex husband! Who went as far as to install video surveillance inside the house and locked me out of the monitoring app! Tried to control what I can and cannot wear, picked me up and to work, tried to control what how I spend my own salary, insinuated that I should stay home to work for him lol the list goes on and on... Bottom line is that I got out without having a child with him and now I couldn't be any happier!
@Juju Coyote thank you for the kind words it goes a long way 🤗
My mouth can't close. I'm in such shock that this is too a T. Only a month out and away and omgosh, tears flowing this needs to a crime.
It is a crime. Stealing will get you jail.
Gambling the family money has no jail time.
I'm SO glad that you are away! It gets better with time. Good for you! Keep going. I went no-little contact with my narc mother decades ago. It does get better. The only regret I have is that I didn't sue her for slander or the crimes she did. Congrats!
Its a crime in the UK. I looked it up. Not sure about other countries though.
I’m 8 days out
He uses financial abuse constantly. I had to get help from outsiders to pay for my car repairs so I could be free. I have to record everything. Why the hell isn’t North Carolina on board with this form of abuse!!!
I am experiencing all this right NOW!! Trying to work and go to school. And he trying to sabotage me!
Okay men aren't the only ones that engage in coercive control! My ex wife stole all my money, turned everyone against me , ruined my name, monitored my phone, got me fired from my job, and left me homeless. She treated me and got her brother to threaten me. I hate that everyone seems to believe that only men are capable of this kind of abuse.
My Good Man; (You just described my First Marriage in detail) Im so sorry for whAt You went through. Believe me ive been there. Im very sure she contacted the Authorities on you numerously. My now x-wife did the same thing to me. She used to get nightmares and wake up to physically abuse me. One prominent day my x thought that My new position at work would help me escape her control. So she very mischievously Broke into my car at work and drove around the parkinglot smashing in to other vehicles and trash cans. She did this while also screaming at people in a very disastrous ghetto way with the window down. My employer had all of this on camera and immediately let me go. Yes-females are the problem. Im convinced of this. God Bless you and I hope your free of that situation.
Now please know that everything you described is sadly more normal than you probably realize. My x wife also had 3 idiotic maniacal uneducated (Stupid) brlthers that she would make do her bidding. Ive been there and I feel for you Sir. I immediately had a vasectomy to ensure No More Tie Downs. Females Love to create Irrational Drama. I Pray you got your freedom.
I realize that its still far off. But a lot of Good men are waking up to the Truth and Statistics have Proven that We are more likely to be assaulted and abused by women because (Women do Not Fear Retaliation of Men) They already know We as Men are Civilized and Good Natured.
And dont worry. Your not alone!!! This has been going on since the beginning of time. I guarantee theres some Dinosaurs in the afterlife that are happy those Asteroids hit the planet.
YOUR PROBLEM IS WITCHES!!!😮 male or female. Theres videos about it. PRAY & FAST IN JESUS HESUS NAME! Get urself Free!❤❤🎉
Coercive control sounds like someone trying to take your freedoms away from you.
That's exactly what it is however you don't even realize it is being taken away until it's gone. That's why it's so confusing and damaging.
@@icnataliejune84 especially when you initially believe that it is coming from ''love'', so that with every incident you turn to the "comfort" of belonging and being loved.
@@PC-jd3dw Exactly I'm so sorry that you and so many of us have experienced this and still might be going through it. It's messed up literally my health . It just shows how much psychological trauma effects the body. I hope you are doing well. I am trying to get out. Trying to put a plan together. He uses the fact that I am so sick to me control even more. I got sick 2 years into our marriage. I wish Dr. Rahmani would do a video on how to reach out for help to family, friends, relatives etc. without sounding like a pity party and without sounding like you want someone else to take care if you. I feel like I'm drowning and if my family would help pull me in the life raft then I can do it from there. For example a place to stay which I am not asking for a free place, a place to stay for a few months where you feel safe supported but must importantly can get your head in straight and do the work) therapy. However without that support it seems almost impossible. I wonder if there is a group of women that our in these situations that could connect and see if they could help each other. Or someone that has gotten out take a newbie under their wing NOT FOR FREE Just to help integrate back into society. Does these seem like to co dependent? I wonder if it does. How can we get family friends to realize we really need their emotional support.
That's exactly what it is. Imprisonment.
Thought speech movement emotions
I hope any of you on here going through this can find the strength, tact, and courage to break free!
Amen
My own family did this to me but it was all orchestrated by my mother. Try being mentally ill and sick. Then being diagnosed with other major illnesses on top of being mentally ill. When I finally got medically healthy enough to see what was happening, I had been owned & controlled to the point where I would never get out. My own mother & older brother did drive by’s my home constantly. It was beyond upsetting. My friends and loved ones couldn’t save me or be around me it was so extreme. Well, I finally got out, but barely. These kinds of people belong in prison. It’s not love what they do. It’s a wake up call to NEVER be in a relationship with people like this.
In studying myself I realize that it's when people try to control me in this way is when my temper flares with them.
I usually feel relief after listening to your videos because I always feel validated but this time my belly sank. It was like you’ve been a ‘fly on the wall’
I know what you're talking about. We will survive this!
Stella K I’m trying so hard Stella and some days are better than others. I’m glad I have support from the survivors community. 😊
This episode is a darker shade of different from the rest of the series. In the other videos, the narcissist is simply annoying, inconvenient, and intrusive. But here, we see a more sinister and virulent form of behavior patterns. These scenarios make you think of all the murder-suicide episodes that so commonly occur in society. Chilling. I often wondered if my narcissistic girlfriend would be capable of killing, and not to overdo it, I think so. Under the correct 'provocation', I think so. In fact once, when I was emotionally broken, I told her: 'I wish you would just kill me'. And yes, I fleetingly noticed a flush of warm reward that washed over her face.
That's horrible about your ex. Hope you're safe now. Understand about the possibility of murder. I was talking to a friend today about my father, one moment he could be smiling and a split-second later he could be raging. It was extremely scary for a child to live with And I actually said to my friend they're the sort of people that commit murder. Just amazing to read your comment a few hours later.
They steal your time and after you leave they steal eat at you and sometimes harass you
Whoa! Are you free now? Hope you went No Contact.
Yep sick barstards that cannot be fixed,should be locked up.
Your comment gave me chills. I stayed for years with mine. Still stalks me to this very day, but at his worst he would choke me out on a whim, reminding me that it would be so easy to 'snap my neck' or 'do whatever I feel like' to me. He'd say to call the police, but I'll be dead by the time they arrive and he ain't afraid of prison (already between there).
"Forcing an unwanted pregnancy" in order to tie the partner down. Yep, that's how I was born.
Wow, I’m so sorry. Regardless of how you were conceived, you are worthy to be here and to be loved.
@Earth Citizen How is abortion relevant here? My mum WANTED to have me, just for the wrong reasons.
@Earth Citizen what a shit thing to say.
Yeap ... Me too! Now I'm 4yers in relationship with narc where i'm permanently abused psyhologiclly and phisicly! Have broken elbow,finger on my hand,damage on my eye due to multiple punching the right side of my head... I'm so angry at myself for putting up witht it but it's so hard to leave them😔☹
@@zozovacha09 Kakav užas! Prijavi ga i odi! Ne sme čovek da takvim da živi.
The more I've looked into coercive control, the more I've realized that in the brief time that I was involved with someone I believe to be a covert narcissist he showed signs of coercive control. It's sobering and quite frankly horrifying to think how close to potentially mortal danger I came.
Gosh these videos are so eye opening! I knew my relationship was toxic but I'm realizing it was a lot worse than I thought!
Me as well
He's so jealous of me he pretends he's in love with me. I want him to stop this nonsense of his make believe. He's very dominant & self centered narcissist who I want nothing to do with. No respect for women, just constant abuse.
My grandma has absolute control of my 54 year old aunt. My aunt has no friends, no career, nothing.
No one does anything about this. It's severe.
My grandma sexually and physically abuses her.
Thanks to the 2 people who liked, I saw the notification right when I was feeling incredibly suicidal because no one believes me
@@jazzalterio692 I believe you. Are you okay? Is your aunt aware of the situation she is in or is she still in "the fog"?
Now please understand that this is what happened to me. Everything this video entails. I stayed in my relationship because of my children. If i ever had blown fuse or out burst ( which occasionally happened ) the narcissistic partner would take her anger out on my kids physically. I very quickly had to learn to put my feelings aside for my children. It was the only way. I didn't make enough money to leave. But i thought about it everyday. I want to thank you for making these videos.
I hope you get out of your situation soon! Sending you strength
@@gabriellahalloun2671 Thank you. I sincerely appreciate that. GOD BLESS YOU AS WELL. The struggle is very real for a lot of Us. Its very difficult and in those situations (very Sadly) its necessary to restrict ourselves for the sake of loved ones. But Yes, I am slowly exiting my situation still. The very sad truth is that Finances are always the heavy handed aspect of freedom. But im still pressing forward and I Generously Thank you for Your incredibly Nice Moral Booster. Have a great day and remember that under GOD-Money is Good
narcissistic people like to talk in baby voices . Or they make smug noises . Or mimic other people's tone of voice. And facial expressions. They like to narcissistic smirk and talk in a patronizing voice . Male and female people do it and they talk right in people's faces they have such a smug superiority .It's all about feeding their egos acting like they are better and perfect. Just laugh if people are inconsiderate and conceited as long as you are nice and perfect who cares if they are not. Keep a dignified silence.
I think that's called mirroring? Don't quote me on that though, I'm not a psychologist lol
@@jolenepolson3159 right, and isn't this a fairly normal thing anyway? i mean if you're spending a lot of time with a person you're somewhat set to take on a bit of their characteristics.
Yes.
@@KL-tn1xc No. They do this in a weird way. There is a difference.
@@AngelKrystalStar yes it's like when i'm speaking to my daughter in a loving kind way, my mother mimics it like it's a bad thing.
This video is the saddest. This happening in any way in somebody's life is the moment when the evil got the battle but surely will lose the war.
She stalked too know my every move I bet she's still doing it
Thank you so much for this. I recently was reunited with a family member that does not quite seem to understand what happened to me. I was in a long term relationship and then later married a malignant narcissist. I was with him for twenty-nine years. My family member brought up the fact that I was controlled then, he told me that "I knew what I was getting into and it was my fault". I cried. This was never my fault. Psychological/emotional abuse and control begin very gradually over a long period of time. At the time I did not realize what was happening to me until the end of the marriage when the abuse became blatant. It was then that I had an epiphany. My ex-husband constantly criticized me for everything from my appearance to the way I did or did not do things, just everything. I thought, "how could all of these things be wrong with me"? He ranted and raved "at" me each night, he usually chose to do this during dinner, or just after and he went on and on not allowing me to go to sleep. It was hell. I had to ask "permission" to go see my mom or the rest of my family. There is so much more. I will leave it at that.
Victim blaming. They're showing their true colors as well.
Everyone said the same things about my relationship. Everyone thought that my life was good because my ex husband was highly successful. But he had several affairs and was abusive in ways I can barely find words to describe how deeply, horrifically painful it all was. Even now, 2 years after the divorce was finalized, I have nightmares. I have crippling anxiety. I have nothing and feel I am nothing. I work a minimum wage job and am trying to learn new skills to support myself.
Yes , 40 years living with a narcissist, cheating, beating black and blue , mental abuse , he abused my children. But still everyone saying, even my parents said this , don’t worry everything will change, he’s given you money, luxurious life, car , so what more you want, don’t complain , be happy. Now my parents are no more. But I never got any support when I tried to get out. Plz for all parents🙏🙏🙏 plz at least listen to your daughter what she is saying or going thru and understand her, where will she go ?? Mine was a proposed marriage at the age of 16 .
Always be financially and emotionally independent , once you're financially independent you can always move out and live alone and become emotionally independent once you see a therapist
All the best. I hope you find yourself again❤️
Oh goodness..... when my kids were small and I was therefore not working, my ex, out of the blue and no discussion, announced he was starting a 4 year university course. He couldn't answer the question 'What are we going to do for money?'. I had no choice but to fill the vacuum he left and I became the breadwinner. 4 years later he went to get his results - came home and announced his orders...."YOU CAN STOP WORK NOW.". No discussion, it was an order. I told him to effoff. I'd worked for bread and butter for 4 years to get him through Uni AND I WAS GOING TO HAVE SOME JAM ON IT NOW. Since then I always made sure I had separate bank account AND a foothold in the workplace. Eventually got rid of him, a total non-starter.
That is true, isolation leads to losing touch with reality. Often the victims self isolate and the gaslighting of the people around leads to destruction. Incredible but it is so very true, everything you say.
I couldn't imagine how deep the problem was. My parent is a malignant narcisist. I'm just shocked, and at the same time I feel so validated. Finally someone tells me everything I experience is dreadful, and doesn't gaslight me. Dr. Ramani I watch you everyday, I feel strong and happy and it feels like healing. You are an angel. Thank you so much from a Brazilian fan.
I tried to get a restraining order and was denied several times because there were no threat within the past month. A month of not being physically threatened but stalked to the point of staying in my home, followed to the grocery store, to restaurants, to parks. This man has been in my home hiding under my table just to see if someone is coming in with me after dropping the kids off at school. Yesterday was my b-day and I told him the best gift he could give me was to exit my life with just himself. He came over with a cake, and said that he was spending the night. My PTSD has been flaring up because he is around. If I shut him out he’ll make it look like I’m preventing him from seeing the kids. He has a new relationship and the both find it entertaining to talk about me. I really feel like this pandemic has trapped me in this state. I just want my life back and I’m willing to move as far as the states will let me.
Get away, he's probably only getting revved up! He won't get better, grey rock, don't even do the best gift ever talk, do nothing, change the locks, you mean business, guard dog perhaps? I knew of a woman who entered/was accepted at a woman's shelter only after a failed suicide attempt.
#tresspassingcharges #breakingandentering Get a supoort person you can innoculously call with a two surruptious phrases: 1) a phrase that he is there and you are calling the cops 2) you are calling the cops, but need her to call too because you fear for yourself.
I'm sorry that is happening to you. The sad truth is that our law enforcement/legal system is largely clueless when it comes to coercive control. Do you and the narcissist have a custody agreement in place? If not, getting something legally enforceable and in writing might be helpful. Having that has allowed me to set clear boundaries about how much and what type of communication I have with the ex.
I know in Arizona we have what's called an order of protection. They 99% of the time grant it. It is up to the other person to challenge it if they want to. This I believe has helped save lives. I am trying to get out right now he has hacked all my devices literally controls the phone. On my 5th one and I'm praying I can make enough phone calls and get my parents to understand so I can have a place to go. The last thing at 35 I want is to move in with my parents but that sounds like heaven compared to being what feels like being held captive.
“It’s a mind f-word all around.” AGREED. This is my reality. Finally got to a therapist. Getting out. Thank you doctor for changing my life ❤️
Thank you for talking about the spillover effect. I’m single but watched my best friend struggle through a marriage to a narcissist for about 9 years. We are no longer friends because he told her that I am no longer allowed to be her friend (isolation). Throughout the marriage he was rude to me every chance he got, disrespected he in front of me (very upsetting to experience) etc. and I didn’t at first speak up about it because when they first got married we were about 24, I was naive and believed that because she was pregnant she HAD to get married. How being a witness to his abuse has affected me is that I am much more suspicious of men, I’m hyper-independent because I fear ever being in a situation remotely like hers. Even now that it has been months since speaking to her, I think about it a lot, hence why I’m in a CZcams rabbit hole about a relationship that isn’t mine. In the past 2 weeks I found myself thinking that I would be better off remaining child free because of witnessing this man trap her with 4 children while coercing her not to work and financially abuse her by restricting her access to money. This was a 15 year friendship (she was my college roommate for 4 years and we called each other sister) that ended abruptly. It’s been a lot and this is the first video I’ve come across that mentions how these types of relationships affect friends and family. Now if I feel this, how do her 4 daughters feel? Or how will they feel? Because the oldest one is about 9 right now. I’m doing my best to heal and purge so I can move on with my life. But thanks for letting me know that the way I feel is normal.
I got shredded this morning by the Narc in my life. But I went DEEP: I didn’t defend, explain, engage or personalize. Thanks for your wisdom, Dr. Ramani 🙏
Combination of paranoia, willful cruelty, charm, with these traits they can fool the world.~Dr. Ramani
I truly believe that one day this will be illegal every where and in every form. Thank you 🙏
Good point! There should be a law about this
Aargh narcs! My sister and a couple of my friends are dealing with this. One husband is spending a fortune on surveillance - people, technology. It’s just horrible.
I've been in this for ten years. As I watch, I realize I have adopted many of my own narcissist tendencies, as a defense mechanism. This has changed who I am, and all that I believed to be true.
I believe that's what happened to my mom after 30 years with my step-dad. She is unrecognizable to me now unfortunately.
I was in a brutal domestic violence relationship that left me with severe spinal cord damage. I tried calling to get services “ for years” but unfortunately if you do not have children a lot of times they have no services for you. Somehow people and society think that their services out there that can help women like me. Nope!
Being that I didn’t have those choices left me to go back to him time and time again regardless of the police reports medical records and arrest for domestic violence.
Regardless of his sadistic tendencies I still look back with a lot of love in my heart. I seriously worshiped him. And I don’t ever look back in anger but in sadness.Because I know today he never loved me. That was a delusion of mine that kept me with him.
I still refer to him as my biggest addiction.
My background came from 2 narcissistic/antisocial parents who condition me to be overly compliant to everyone’s needs but my own.
Gaslighting and being controlled was my child hood. I was pre-conditioned to fall into a domestic violence relationship.
But that’s not just my perception that is all four of us siblings perception also.
Dear Dr Ramani, I was (and still am!) a victim of Coercive Control. I’m Russian National who was isolated from my family, now living in the UK.
UK is amazing by adopting this crime!!! Their respond to the problem was prompt and supportive.
They arrested my husband in 24h for a night after my allegation statement. I have a very big support from local charity communities. Currently in the divorce proceedings. The court is very trained and aware of such narcissists.
My ex hates it here, he hates the system.
But they are so good! With real justice who listen to innocent people!!!
Good for you! I wonder how difficult it is for women from foreign countries, who marry men in capitalist societies, are affected by narc abuse from their husbands. These women enter countries of their spouses and do not know the customs and their rights. They are vulnerable for narc abuse and suffer in silence. I feel for them
"control is consistently a part of the narcissistic relationship dynamic" (19:32). . .control doesn't belong in human relationships . . . "control is unhealthy" (22:50)
I'm crying...I've lived this fear...My ex had me arrested on false allegations and almost ruined my life!!!! I tried to kill myself after he had me arrested 3 times! I was 3,000 miles away from friends ior family! I got myself out of 3 charges when He made a mistake that saved my life! I never thought that people who love you could be so ruthless and cruel!
Been there also. Can’t believe how the police believe these lies and you have to pay lawyers to defend and get out of jail.
In the end you know how dangerous these personality disordered aliens can be, sometimes even within your family.
Educate yourself & once you understand, do not give second chances, immediately go no contact and save yourself the trauma of this type of abuse.
mine want me on death row!
Finally a name for what I went thru! Tracking devices on the computer & cell phone. I had to work 2 jobs to pay all the bills, because God forbid he should contribute. Constant phone calls & visits to my places of employment. And if I was at lunch at the time of his call or visit, there was hell to pay. Because, obviously, I just HAD to be cheating on him or lying about having the job. (Yeah, this company just pays me $$ to not work there.) If he wasn't with me, he tracked me. If he couldn't track me, then I was lying, cheating, etc. It's been over 10 years since I broke free, but it still affects me. It's better, but it still gets to me.
I had exactly the same life except thank god no tracking device, just non stop texts, calls, video calls. It's so crazy that there are so many of these psychos that act in the exact same way in the world... I remember the horror of forgetting to take my phone from the car at work and frantically running back outside to get it and face the worst accusations possible... Good to be free :)
Ahh, you reminded me of those days, calling multiple times "where are you now?, where are you?" suffocating. It wasn't even a partner, it was a female family member!!
Matilda same
My mother does this whenever I go out. Shoot, I left one day without telling her and she was on the phone with every family member trying to find out where I was. Like, mother, I am an adult, why are you so concerned? I don't ask you where you're going all the time because you are an adult and don't need to check in with me.
I just need to move out, no matter how I have to do it.
My husband and mother in law
This really needs to be talked about more and law enforcement needs to start recognizing these behaviors and protecting victims.
Sad story. One of my aunts was in one of these highly controlling and abusive relationships for many years. Her spouse was also physically abusive and threatening to take hers and her children's life while pointing a gun at her after beating her to the ground. Obviously she was terrified of reaching out for help because he had full control over her. What ended up happening is someone found out or she finally told someone that got the police involved and he ended going to prison for attempted murder. Sadly she was also sentenced to prison for many years and all her kids were sent away where she could have no contact with them because according to the judge she was "complicit" in allowing his abuse to threaten the lives of her children by not getting help sooner. She but how could she when her ex was literally keeping her mouth shut?
Once she was released she did get another start at life and after her children turned 18 they were allowed to visit her. She remarried to a man who treated her wonderfully and she was finally really happy.
She was an advocate for helping women who were in abusive situations like hers and she helped me when I was in trouble trying to get away from a rapist relative and my dad was instead blaming me for it all. She's my Dad's sister and even he knew how bad that guy was who trapped her, but he did the same thing to her by blaming her and shunned her instead of being supportive. Because no surprise, my dad's a piece of work and loves blaming the victim, which is why I don't talk to him anymore after he threatened to "ruin my life" after I went to the police after the rapist incident because "he's family". But that's another long story.
Sadly she and her son passed away in a car accident getting hit by a truck. So in her memory I'd like to thank you so much for all the work you are doing putting this information out there so people can recognize and how to react when they find themselves in a bad situation. ❤️
This is so sick... I can’t believe I lived like this for years
Glad you didn't skip this. It's true, and my mother is malignant, vulnerable, covert narc. she does all of this to me b/c I. am financially unable to live elsewhere and she uses my situation against me, threatens me that I will be kicked out all the time. She is aging and getting worse. Has no life and no friends. I am her main focus. Thankfully, I will be able to leave this shit next year. Thank you for this whole series Dr. Ramani!
Soul destroying stuff...really hpoe you can exit this and heal xo
Absolutely same here.
Sabotaging a person's human rights should be illegal, whether at home or in the workplace.. I've lived almost everything married to malignant narcissist, but did not know those things had names. These people sound like they work for the devil. If a wife suspects her husband is a malignant narcissist for anyone in the family, she should have a right to have them evaluated by force
Narcs are difficult to be around
This explains domestic violence, and narcs are behind the smoke that ignites fire.
My aunt has been in a narc marriage for over 40 years and has become desensitized by her husband's controlling and abusive behavior. He controls her to the point where he dictates when she can communicate and visit relatives. He also causes triangulation, where he goes against her and sides with her family. He goes back and forth with it. On rare occasions, he appears as a savior and willingly helps out her family members in time of need. Unfortunately, they fall for it and say he isn't a bad person. He has called her stupid in public, and she overlooks it
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 your aunt needs a hug. I think we all do. He sounds exhausting. My husband was a sneaky SOB. And as soon as we didn't allow him to consider us his property, he started planning his exit strategy and took most of the money with him in the divorce. Anyone married to a narcissist or a psychopath or a sociopath should be able to get permanent disability even if they don't want it. God bless you
@@GS-st9ns I agree it's sheer hell to deal with narcs, psychopaths and sociopaths. They destroy your sanity and love for self. Thanks
Dr. Ramani, I cannot stress enough how freeing, and validating it is to hear you so perfectly articulate a situation like this. The words mind rape, came to my mind one time as I searched my own mind for words that would explain describe and give meaning and sense to the illogical heinous behaviors one experiences in this situation.
I lived with this for over 20 years. It was nearly impossible to find someone to believe me. Twenty years of freedom, and I'm still figuring out how to recover. He passed away 3 years ago, and I've made so much more progress! He had so many people convinced that he was the victim, even the kids.
My mom is in similar circumstances but we still live with our parents and my brother blindly believes my fathet
Actually it doesn't seem any way out of these I'm being homeless now
I wish I didn't know how true this is😭. Thank you for validating my reality.
This is about both of my extremely-abusive (physical, mental, emotional) covert-narcissist parents, and my mother was a Harvard-MD PEDIATRICIAN!
Not just male narcissists who exercise coercive control. Can totally relate to the slow drift. The cumulative effect of tiny chipping away is massive, figuratively and literally. Thank you for the reminder 🙏🏼
"A bit of a summary" of 25 yrs of torture. Thanks for making this video!!! I'm sure it's helping soooo many people who need to hear this! It's so absolutely clear and validating ☺️
I came to this conclusion in my research when I left, and made notes of specific incidents. I had cognitive dissonance so I had to keep re reading and repeating my story to people so he wouldn’t brainwash me again. It was awful.
Great comment, Kyrsten!
Tesla referenced human energy 👻🌪jesus christ referenced living waters 💎🤍science described water memory 🌊👨🎓existence reflecting psychologically psalms16:24 k,j 👻💎🤍👨🎓🗽🌪
You've pretty much just described my marriage to a tee. I was literally threatened with divorce if I accepted a legitimate and legal job as a web developer. Of course, she has no recollection of this... I am awake to the game now, though!
This is my second husband to a T. I can’t believe I lived through this! And the police would never help me. He would force me to dress like a loose teenage girl, and I was a professional Realtor. Everything you said..he did!
Thank you, Dr Ramani.
I lived this escalating behaviour for years. Now my children are noticing the Gaslighting of themselves too. Once having left, I was buried in Legal/Court paperwork and sapped finances to finally be free.
Unfortunately, I’m so suspicious of people now for fear of being caught up in another Coercive Control situation by a nasty Malignant Narc. It really is Hell.
It’s sad; I feel for anyone who is in these abusive entanglements. My wife is a covert narc I’ve been attached to for 15 years ; little by little everything keeps getting worse. We just have to get out as quickly and safely as possible . It took about 10 years to realize what I had got myself into...
Wow, this is making me think of the doc I just watched about R. Kelly called Surviving R. Kelly on Netflix... It is crazy.
I'm just learning. My mobility is restricted due to MS. My narcissist was able to isolate me by not helping me get out, because I needed his physical help. Pissed off former friends, insulted family, sabotaged my job. If I hadn't kept control over my finances, it would have been even worse.
Omg this has been my life. Thank you so much for helping me see all these blind spots.
Surviving R.Kelly ...please watch. Everything you're saying was covered down to when and what they could eat.
I have experienced elements of coercive control in my workplace. The manager was trying to dictate who we had lunch with, and during this time of COVID, where we had our lunch and where we obtained our food. He enforced isolation by forcing employees to not eat with specific people. During the COVID crisis, he wanted to know where every employee was everyday. When they were working, when they would be at the workplace using the excuse that he wanted to protect everybody from illness, while he himself exposed his employees to an active virus that he was suffering. The manager was never so satisfied when he created circumstances when my job situation became total chaos, then he applied pressure to complete 'other projects' by involving the Board of Directors. Thankfully, I have now left that unhealthy situation.
I got a good chuckle. A police officer (in Switzerland) was called to my home because I was fearful. My husband had not yet touched me (except for those little covert “shoves” as he passed he in the hallway). Even though I explained fully to dispatch that he had not actually touched me but exactly what he said, the officer that arrived believed my husband within 2 or 3 minutes that this was a “simple” dispute and that I had lost my mind. He arrogantly opened the closed door to where he’d been told my 13-year-old dog was. Within a split second, this old girl bit him , supposedly in the testicles! (We left the country pretty quickly after that! :)). She is my hero!!
I am in a support group for survivors of coercive control now...watching this video made me cry. I don’t know what to say. This is the worst this that ever happened to me. And yes people do minimize it. But the support group has been amazing and I would highly recommend it to anyone who has experienced this. No one else understands like those who have been through it, and that validation is really helpful for healing.
where do you find groups like these ?