Struggle to Set Boundaries With Friends? Try This - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 7. 06. 2024
- Is it hard for you to say “no” to your friends?
Do you people-please to avoid hurting them?
Are there decades-long friendships you’re afraid to lose, despite having outgrown them?
If you are nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about boundaries with friends: why some of us have misguided loyalty, the qualities of a good and healthy friendship, and how to raise your awareness around disordered behaviors in your friendships.
Download the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/struggling-...
Want to learn more about how to have healthy boundaries? Check out my signature 9-week program, Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
Time Stamps
0:00 - Why it's hard to set boundaries with friends
2:44 - Outgrowing friendships
5:24 - Frenemies
6:06 - The disease to please
9:09 - Friendship inventory
10:40 - Qualities of a healthy friendship
11:20 - Codependency in friendships
13:00 - Telling the truth
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• Afraid to Speak Up For... - Afraid to Speak Up For Yourself? How to Talk True
• 4 Top Reasons You’re N... - 4 Top Reasons You're Not Setting Healthy Boundaries
• Boundary Setting Succe... - Boundary-Setting Success: How You Say It Matters
• How to Create Conseque... - How to Create Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violations
• Female Friendships Can... - Female Friendships Can Be Complicated
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
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Community: terricole.com/fbg
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Resources
Boundary Boss Book: amzn.to/44DZID9
The Boundary Boss Workbook: amzn.to/3Ra7CRU
Insight Timer: insig.ht/cpKnbJB4KDb (I have a bunch of free meditations on here and love this app!)
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I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources.
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#terricoleshow #settingboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #friendshipadvice
I want to hear from you! Do you have historical handcuffs, frenemies, or friends who are no longer aligned with you? If you have a friendship you know you need to let go of, share about it in the comments. And if you've let go of friendships, share that experience, too! Download the guide for the friendship inventory here: www.terricole.com/struggling-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-guide
I have to take responsibility for my situation in the present day, however, I was a people pleaser as I needed an identity, at times I have lost great relationships for baseless relationships. Thanks for sharing this insights. doctor. ❤.
Thank you for the resource!
If you let go of bad friends, you have space for better ones.
True!
I´ve let go of a friendship where I felt that she always said things to make me feel inferior to her. And she treated me like my feelings were not important, she didn´t think I deserved any kind of explannation about her wrong behavior. I absolutely agree that not all friendships are meant to last forever, and this is the best thing I´ve done.
This is so true. Some try to act too smart and disrespectful..Hope u find better friends ❤
Good for you ❤️
Thank you for this video, Terri. What you said about friends not being happy for you when something good happens really resonated for me. I'm finally at a time in my life where good things are happening, albeit later in life, but regardless I really thought some friends would be overjoyed, but they aren't, which is affecting me more than I would like. I really thought they would be happy that I am getting married, looking to move and buy a house (especially after surviving stage 3 cancer, being fired during chemotherapy, having to move back home...some really HARD stuff). It's like they cheered me on when I was sick when I honestly thought my time on this earth was done, and now that I am on an upswing, they are clearly just not feelin' it, so much so that I have been checking on them to make sure they are ok and asking if they need anything. It makes me feel bad, but I guess their lack of joy and need to make snide comments about marriage is more about them than it is about me. I don't know, Terri...even during the darkest days of my life, I managed to be happy for my friends who were having good stuff happen for them. I'm so glad that I haven't become bitter. 😄☺
Oh Birdie, I am so sorry to hear this is the experience you're having, especially after overcoming so much. It is likely way more about them than about you. I so hope you find new friends in this next chapter who appreciate you and can hold space for all the goodness happening ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so much, Terri.💖
Another great episode!! I have limited visits with a few friends that I feel triggered by. One friend I kept trying to rescue, save, repair and fix. It was exhausting for me - she always complained to me about her life. Another friend is so scattered and stressed that it started to stress me out. I have limited contact and visits. It is much better for me! I am learning to take care of my serenity and boundaries! I would rather have only a few great friends than many that I am just not happy spending time with.
Definitely had to take an inventory of a close sister like friend of over 25 years. I was the giver she was the taker. It worked until I decided to be codependent no more! Dynamics changed because of me. I did a slow fade. No conversation it won’t make sense for her. She dosnt need to change for me. I need to find other people to be friends with. She triggers me too much to be near her for my growth. Maybe when I’m stronger down the line I will bring stuff up as it comes…It’s been a nice distance. No calls or text both ways. So I think it’s mutual. ❤
Thank you for sharing that ❤️
@@terri_cole thank you for all the empowering information you provide! I attribute positive changes I’ve made from your book and all your gracious videos.. 🫶🏆
Thank you for sharing. I had the same experience recently. It's still really hard, but my life is much more peaceful now.
Terri, this video was so helpful, as I'm in a situation where history with someone has overshadowed the clear evidence that she and I have grown apart. Sending you love and appreciation.
I'm so glad it was helpful for you, Marilyn ❤️
I’ve struggled my entire life trying to have and maintain friendships.
Truly lots of healing but generally I’m a person you either really like me or you can’t stand me. I’m often misunderstood and judged incorrectly. Because of this past experience I’m overly sensitive to clingy people. Finding balance here too, so needed to have healthy boundaries. Not often seen in my life, family or experience.
Maybe I just like being by myself 😂
Oh and Canadian. 🇨🇦
Mostly healed from people pleasing, also recovering Catholic. Truly grateful and Alan Watts fan for my spiritual journey into the light.
Thank you so much. 🤍🧡🦉🪶
The trouble is if you tell the truth about not liking something they said or did, it will change your relationship.
Well, are you happy with how the relationship is right now? Then no need. But if you aren't, then it sounds like a change could be beneficial. Either way, it is valuable information to know whether your friends will respect your truth (as long as it is not harmful/abusive). I have also seen many therapy clients set boundaries with friends who ended up being very receptive to it, so talking true does not always mean change for the worse.
I was in grief and all my friend cared about was wanting to tell me she made up with her estranged husband and then other times there r other married friends who want to hang out with me and their husbands. It's so frustrating to be a 3rd wheel and people who r married forget they also need to have a separate time with friends. Then there r friends who have a successful career and become big heads and behave they own you 😢 u feel like u wasted decades with some of the most useless people . I'm trying to get rid of my chronic people pleaser ways. I don't even know if I got good friends because I didn't notice bad patterns in them.
I am witnessing you with compassion, GD ❤️ Have you tried gently asking your married friends to hang out with you without their spouses? "I really miss our 1:1 time together, like when we [insert a special memory here]... what do you think? Would you consider [insert a friend date idea here]?" Feel free to modify/adapt to your truth.
I'd also suggest downloading the guide for this episode as it has a friendship inventory that may help you to identify potentially bad (or good) friendships: www.terricole.com/struggling-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-guide
@@terri_cole thanks Terri I asked a friend who mentioned as long as she's married to him I need to deal with him whenever she brings him as he's got no friends. She herself doesn't like him so u can imagine my struggle. My point is why force Ur friends in discomfort. Thanks Terri. Omg u help me so much. Ur my angel. Virtual angel😩😩😩❤🧡😍
@@GD-cr5um Yikes, I am sorry to hear that- that does sound like a rough situation! Glad I can help 💕
Love Terri and hope u bring out more on friendships. Im so greatful for ur presence ❤
❤️❤️❤️
I resonated with the idea of avoiding conflict w/ people. For example there might be a problem with my apartment, but I feel if I ask them to fix something they'll tell me I have to pay to fix it myself. That is what the owner tells me. Where I live, there are no laws to defend tenants rights. But also I don't like to engage with this person. It's powerful people that I am afraid to engage with. thanks for the video.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Terri, Thank You so MUCH for this beyond valuable wisdom. I have been in such a state of grief over losing many friendships; feeling lonely, confused and lost but also knowing somewhere deep down that I wasn't wrong for stepping away or in other cases, letting go completely. This weeks video affirms just that. Your videos in all have been a guiding light, when I have had nothing and nowhere else to turn. You have literally saved my life during times that I questioned whether or not I still wanted to be on this planet anymore. When some corners of the internet can feel cold, cruel and unwelcoming, You have always remained so absolutely kind, gentle, caring, empathetic and empowering. I am indescribably grateful to have found You. You are a Godsend to Me and the world as a whole. ❤ My appreciation for all that You do and all of who You are. Many blessings!
I so appreciate you taking the time to leave this comment to let me know that my videos have helped you. ❤️❤️ I'm grateful to have you in my crew!
Can you do a video that explains what is the reason for attracting people with addictions such as alcohol, video games, porn or overeating?
I wonder, with some friends. I have mentionned some boudaries with them but have found that they just don't get it. For example, I said to one I would like to be listened once in a while , to tell my stories, and she is all for it but doesn't undertand because even in a specific moment where I am talking about what I am going through she quickly brings it back to her. So with that in mind I adapted my expectations to find some pleasure in this relationnship. It is difficult to let go because her intention are good. People pleasing goes a long way. ! Very interesting this podcast , helping me to clarify when adapting to much is not respecting my boundaries. Not easy to do! thank you very much
I'm sorry to hear that, Maryann 💕 If that happened to me, I might say, "Hey, I'm happy to hear what you have to say after I'm done with my story. Could you please let me finish? I'd really like a compassionate ear right now." And even maybe gently remind them we agreed to this. But adapting your expectations and still finding good in the relationship is great, too!
Setting boundaries with people I found out is the cause of losing supposed friendships. I know real friends wouldn't let boundaries affect the relationship. But being codependent and putting others above myself all the time isn't healthy either.
Being codependent and putting others above yourself all the time is not healthy, you're right. Here's hoping you will find healthier friendships the more you prioritize yourself and talk true 💕
@terri_cole Thank you, Terri. That means a lot.
Terri, thank you for your wonderful work! I have just ordered your books. I really enjoy your channel as I feel safe and calm listening to you. I find it so freeing to learn that our freedom to live a sincere life to oneself comes from within us. I honestly so appreciate you making this information available. Best Wishes T
Thank you so much, T 💕 I hope you enjoy Boundary Boss and continue to find my videos helpful!
I really wish we knew when we should be done in our friendship with people? Sometimes no matter how much u wait for people they don't care
Only you can make that call, but that's why I have an inventory in the guide- it walks you through how you feel before, during, and after spending time with someone. Noting your feelings down can help you realize you actually feel worse (or better!) around specific people. And if you repeatedly feel worse after being with someone, that could be grounds for saying good bye to the friendship. If guides aren't your thing, the next closest video I have is exploring whether someone is a frenemy or friend: czcams.com/video/aSd0dYi9UAs/video.html
Yes, cultural differences are very important and you can't apply the same North American mentality to the entire world. I moved from Europe (south-east, the Balkan part of it, NOT the same as West Europe, even though I used to live there as well!), to Canada around 9 years ago. They apologize all the time, for everything, for the fact that they exist. So annoying and also very passive aggressive, especially certain provinces. They think this means they are 'nice' and if you are direct and assertive you get perceived as rude. Conflict is perceived as a bad thing by default, and they would rather discuss the weather for 45 minutes than dealing with the issue at hand. I will never get use to it.
Yes, I have heard that multiple times from my Canadian friends! Thank you for sharing your experience.
Well, I thought I had a friend, always did what, when and how she wanted, felt so exhausted.... when I finally stopped to being her savior, listening never ending complaints and watching her blame everyone for everything, I was ghosted :D
Just for telling her that she must change things if she doesn't like them, just for refusing another help late at night....
She was never a friend, she used me, and I also know that it's my fault partially, 'cause I let her.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Hi I'm a new viewer from Australia. I've recently watched your video on what boundaries are and how to recognise where I might need them. My question is - I seem to have a delayed response to my boundary being crossed (my unspoken boundary) Will it be a matter of practice or something? I'm introverted with no real circle of friends nor family. Thankyou for posting these videos as thy contain many ah ha moments for me.
Hi Katrina, welcome! ❤️ Think of boundaries like learning a new language. It does take practice and time to get familiar with it. Try to tune into your body more- you might start to notice patterns when a boundary of yours has been crossed. We often have physical reactions that can be a "tell" for us. This video has more details in case you haven't seen it yet: czcams.com/video/lrAjHyOffC4/video.html
@terri_cole thankyou for the link. Spot on. I'm considering getting back into the community with volunteer work, so I need to get prepared. I've weaseled out of a couple of opportunities already.