Afraid to Speak Up For Yourself? How to Talk True - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 26. 06. 2024
- Your phone starts ringing.
You look down. It’s your friend who talks and talks and talks.
You sigh. You are in the middle of work and do not have the bandwidth for their emotional dump.
Instead of picking up the phone and saying you are unavailable, you let it go to voicemail.
______________
A friend of yours lives nearby.
They assume you don’t mind giving them a ride when you go out together.
But actually, you do mind.
You just don’t say anything about it because you don’t know how.
You become more resentful each time you pick up your friend and feel like you can’t leave when you want because you’re their ride home.
_______________
If either of these situations sounds familiar, this episode is for you.
I am breaking down why it is hard for us to talk true (as I like to say), where we learn to dishonor how we feel or what we want, the consequences of staying silent, and the steps you can take to be more authentically known by the people in your life.
Grab the free guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/talk-true-g...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
2:15 - Why do we struggle to tell the truth about how we feel?
5:19 - Client example: check-in before emotional dumping
7:26 - Friend example: lending car & no gas fill-up
9:09 - Looking at this learned behavior
10:50 - Setting healthy boundaries
13:40 - Learning the truth is embarrassing
15:50 - Conclusion
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• 4 Top Reasons You’re N... - 4 Top Reasons You're Not Setting Healthy Boundaries
• Boundary Setting Succe... - Boundary-Setting Success: How You Say It Matters
• How to Create Conseque... - How to Create Consequences for Repeat Boundary Violations
• Want More Fulfilling R... - Getting Your Emotional Needs Met
• The Emotional Rollerco... - The Emotional Rollercoaster of Boundary Setting
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
Community: terricole.com/vip
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
Resources to Check out
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
Boundary Boss Bootcamp, my signature course, is carefully constructed to take you to the next level of empowerment in all your personal + professional relationships using a positive and proactive boundary skillset that no one ever taught you. Until now: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole
I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ -- If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #boundaries #communicationskills
Let me know below: have you ever been in a situation like this where you feel pressured to respond a certain way, or to stay quiet? How can you begin talking true? Download the guide here: www.terricole.com/talk-true-guide
I used to reply to my family in a nasty tone and sometimes hang up on them when they disrespected me. Your classes, book, podcasts, newsletters have helped me in so many ways. Speaking up for myself in a respectful way is getting easier. THANK you!! Being honest sets me free
I like getting nude alot but I don't think twice about doing it nowing it's wrong dont why
Decided to quit saying “Im sorry but…” Magic!
My mom used to say that also “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it.” This is very eye opening for me. Could be 1, of many, reasons I feel I can’t talk about feelings, how I feel about about almost anything 😢
All my life I’ve been afraid to speak up . I always wanted to change this about myself. Not speaking up gets me into unwanted situations…boy do I have stories to tell 😏.
I see you ❤️
I have been afraid to speak my truth my whole life. As I get older it’s getting harder and hurting my when I just don’t say what I want or need. I’m working on just saying it what it is. I feel like it’s always on the tip of my tongue and won’t come out until I feel safe. Im turning 40 in a couple of months and want a new change. Thank you so much for this video. It gives me insight on what I’m doing and how I can change for the better!
I’ve had problems speaking up for myself over the years as well, even in my mid-30s.
I believe we can begin talking true when we don´t fear other people´s reaction to it. That´s something we need to practice a lot and it´s very important because by doing that we honour our feelings and needs.
Absolutely, Fabiana!
How do you find people you can practice with? The people in my life keep proving that it’s wrong for me to tell the truth, I’m trying not to give up.
@@sarahd1706 Practice with these exact people no matter what they say. And If they say that this is wrong say that you think differently.
Hi Mrs Cole, I agree with what you are explaining in this video. I have been going to therapy for 2 years now and I am learning to speak up for myself more. I always have to think twice before speaking up because it is not natural for me and I have always been scared of confrontation; but once I do it, I feel good about myself and I feel empowered. For example, I am a steward and last week a passenger whistled at me so that I would get his garbage. I got myself together and I told him: "Next time Sir, say 'Excuse me' don't whistle." It is amazing to finally be able to claim and get the respect I deserve. Thank you very much for this video, Sabine.
Way to go on speaking up for yourself 🙌🙌🙌 That is huge, and yes, you absolutely deserve respect!
Saying no is a full sentence ❤
My daughter and me are always discussing this topic and its importance in everyday life. So many times as a young bride I didn't believe I had a right to my say in anything regarding my in- laws. This had a devastating effect on our relationship.
Yes!! I struggle with speaking my truth in general but dealing with my mil has brought it to my attention
Since I am a mom who “stays at home”with my kids” and was often asked favors by other moms if I could bbsit their kids or carpool or watch their dogs since they have to work. I simply now say, No. I don’t give excuses or explain. I’ve had one mom beg and say I’d be her favorite person IF I obliged .. I still said no They disliked this. What a visceral moment it was.-To witness as I disappointed her efforts and became her non favorite. It’s unfortunate for these people 😂 I felt liberated and strong 💪🏽 as a recovering codependent person I almost fell for that favorite bait.
Wow, way to go for standing up for yourself and saying no! 🙌🙌🙌
I’d like to know how to tell my mom that I really don’t want to talk about my father anymore when she bashes him after being divorced six years she still talks about it like it happened yesterday. I already know how she will react which is to make a scene regardless if we are out in public or give me a really dirty look and not talk to me or say something mean and hurtful. She throws a temper tantrum like a child when you place boundaries with her that she doesn’t like. Because it’s your parent, you’re afraid of them abandoning you because anytime you voiced when you didn’t like some thing growing up, you were “being rude” or difficult. I would love to learn how to stand up to my parents without being afraid of their strong negative emotions, and potential abandonment.
I did a video on how to set boundaries with parents at any age: czcams.com/video/obdyTUYkGpQ/video.html I hope it is helpful, as that sounds like a difficult situation ❤️
Sometimes I change the subject by asking them something. Especially if you get them talking about themselves, they love that. 😅
Setting boundaries is something I agree should be consistent with both indivduals. It cant be one sided all of the time, open communication where people talk about saying what is bothering them instead of gossiping to others rather than to their telling the truth to the target.
I had to find my own way to speak up. Sarcasm is my best friend, in my world it includes making humor about something without calling you out. Idk how, but I managed to pass that down to my niece. My sister seriously wondered where her come backs were from😂. Poor kid, she's only 5 😂😂.
One thing I noticed on the series Downton Abbey was how blunt and truthful. I watch it occasionally to learn how to speak- my mind in an assertive way.
I love that- great to have role models you can learn from!
My parents were married for over 50 years. Only then did my dad tell my mother he didn't like potato salad. She thought it was his favorite! so she made it a lot.
Yikes!
As someone who is overly considerate & who hasn’t felt safe stating my needs, I am the queen of thinking people should know how to be considerate without me having to ask them.
I feel that! ❤️
Wow all of this I resonate with my entire life. My parents, one extremely neglectful and one that would never respect any boundaries for me. I was taught and groomed to be a people pleaser all the time. But due to my mother's traumas and neuroses I had to please an overbearing bipolar mother, over and over again. I was supposed to just do every thing to her standards which were never clear
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
My mother always told me "the truth is told to donkey." Meaning donkey is unable to read between lines. She was encouraging indirect communication and accusing me of being out of control or hysterical for speaking the truth.
I am so sorry you experienced that ❤️
just learning to talk truth 💖🏵️🌅
When you tell the truth is wrong, they say you're blunt especially in South Asian Culture. Even growing up you have nothing to say, don't say it. Remain silent. I still speak the truth, learning curve for setting boundaries.
I am cheering you on ❤️
I think since I grew up with a Dad who would often get angry when I shared my thoughts and also used a lot of shame for discipline...I struggle with a fear of speaking my truth but I am working on being assertive and getting over my fear of the person getting mad at me.
I see you ❤️
Not fun to live with a person who dominates a place through anger and shame tactics.
I'm in a lease with my son for 6 more months. He's never paid what we agreed upon.He always has a financial crisis. I've be stuffing my true feelings for a long time. When I have expressed my feelings he blows up and attacks .e verbally. I'm feeling trapped and a prisoner I my own home.Im a recent widow. Feeling fearful and overwhelmed and deeply hurt.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Kelly ❤️ Your safety is definitely a priority. I have a few resources on my site that might help: terricole.com/gethelp
I’ve just found your videos recently and I’m hooked. I’ve been on a healing journey for the last year when I ended my 22 year long narcissistic abusive marriage. I am learning so much from you and I’m truly grateful for the knowledge you have shared. Thank you so much for helping me to have boundaries. ❤️
I am so glad you were able to get out, and happy to have you here 💕
😂 that was a gold nugget. Our Lord Jehovah and his Christ and me too are lovers of truth. Well spoken. Thanks Terri. It really gets to the heart of the matter.😂
Very helpful reminder. Not just the big things but the small things in a diplomatic way. So many times, we let things go under the guise of not hurting others. But it often does go sideways as you pointed out.
So glad it was helpful ❤️
I can't sleep because I want to say something to a family member, but I'm afraid. I worry about being overly concerned or imprinting my fears onto them so I always let it go, month after month. But tonight, I decided to write a brief note to this person. I will practice a new skill and see how it works. Your hair, makeup, jewelery, and clothing that you are sporting in this episode is a work of art. Like your voice and compassion, so soothing and beautiful to the eye and heart of this beholder. Thank you.
Way to go on writing them a note!! 🙌 + thank you ❤️
This has open my eyes, even more on the topic of being honest with the people in your life!!
It's so important! 💕
What I want think and feel matters to ME!! 🙌🙌🙌 Got it ..thank you Terrie. ❤❤❤❤
Right on!! 🙌🙌
Thanks Terri. That was exactly the video I needed to see today. I have been so bothered by something recently and I ended up telling my truth just now. We’ll see what happens 😅
Amazing! ❤️
Great topic. So very important to speak the truth - it definitely helps to avoid creating an atmosphere of resentment. That’s what I’m learning- yes it’s uncomfortable but necessary.
So glad you enjoyed it ❤️
I want to add to your point about not saying anything at all unless it's "nice". Huge factor on a lot of us who were raised to be polite. Society has put pressure on women in particular (in US) to be polite, sweet, gracious, submissive & even weak if you go back to the 50's. It's probably worse in Southern Bible Belt culture & sm towns (We were expected/encouraged to be more modest back in the 80's & early 90's, also).
My g'mother was a great lady but very old fashioned & a "proper Southern belle," you could say. Although at home she could be pretty strict/stern when she thought necessary (school teacher), which affected the way my mom raised me. My mom seemed to be more of a blind conformist while I became an independent thinker (& tested limits 😉)... Yet there has been difficulty being assertive for both of us in various situations. Thanks for the videos & kind, gentle advice! ❤
Yes, many of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents, which can make talking true difficult ❤️ Thanks for sharing!
Love this Terri!🌺…..being raised around narcs I learned not to speak my truth….well now I am, gently with some and more boldly with others ….it’s taken me a lot of healing and courage…..but truly in the end it makes for much more fulfilling, healthy relationships 🩷🩵….ty!🍉
It really does! Way to go ❤️
As many have said, I too avoid saying anything due to negative feedback which makes me get into isolation as I felt rejected. Thank you for sharing this video..❤
Finally . Great subject. Thank you very much, dear Terri!
❤️
You really are my spirit mama, can’t thank you enough for the kind and loving words you gift us with❤
❤️❤️❤️
Asian household don’t say anything bite your tongue obey and honor elders even if they are wrong that’s how I grew up with these issues
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
Same thing for me in a Nigerian household
I NEEDED this literally at this very moment!! THANK YOU TERRI
You are so welcome ❤️❤️
I'm not sure I really agree with the wife just suggesting that she is not interested in having Mexican food anymore for their anniversary. I can understand where the husband is pissed off, but he too is responsible for his own resentments. I have been in situations where I have kept quiet in order to avoid rocking the boat. When we have to confront ourselves and our truth, it may feel uncomfortable, but why not give ourselves the benefit of the doubt? Why not tell ourselves that the person we're being honest with may not take it badly?
I've had situations like this, and as I'm learning to heal my attachment issues, I try to preface my truth with the fact that sometimes telling the truth does make me feel uncomfortable as if the recipient would no longer love or value me any longer. When I've used that truth of my insecurity to soften the next truth, I find that the person isn't as upset. One time my significant other laughed and said, "Why would you think something like that would make me stop loving you? Thank you for being honest. It's okay."
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience ❤️
The more i practice, the less my heart races and the easier it gets
It can be jolting when we first start saying these things out loud! Practicing helps 💕 Way to go!
I had a long term boyfriend (~7yrs) and his mom that I lived with for about 4ish years. I don't remember where or what they got it from, but they were convinced I loved polka dots. Every single gift, for about three years, every holiday, every occasion, included something with polka dots. Scarf, hat, skirt, wallet, binder, bags, even jewelry. It was like....I spent so much time with you guys and you couldn't pick out anything else I would have preferred? When I finally couldn't hide my disappointment on my face when opening yet another polka dot item, I said "I have to admit it you guys, I am not a fan of the polka dots." And the mom said, "oh you don't love polka dots anymore?? Alright then." It was almost like a shallow concept of identity. The boyfriend always got ridiculously inappropriate gifts, and expected them. Now I'm pretty adverse to gifts as a love language. And polka dots. 😂😂😅
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Great video! Thank you! 😊❤
Dear Goddess Guru, This was such a life changing video. Thank you. I happen to be going thru an incident this week that is threatening my friendship with a woman I’ve had for quite a few years. After listening to this video, I feel glad I spoke up, but evidently I needed more work on myself so I wouldn’t have had to take it to the level I did. Just as the story you related involve the detail of the truck, I can’t figure my story will make sense if I leave out the specifics- tho political, and may not be within the rules here, but here goes: Alice and I have agreed on politics for years now, and as an election nears, again it’s in our conversations. I texted her, “RFK jr in his words says he’s not an anti-vaccer, all his kids are vaccinated; he’s pro safe vaccine. He’s coming up in the polls, and most swing voters and even Dems say Biden is too old.” She text back, “Drop the subject.” I text, “Perhaps we should drop the friendship.” Alice, “That’s not what I have in mind. I enjoy our friendship.” I text, “Well, that’s going to be hard to do since I agree with the announcer who said how arrogant to not listen at all to a candidate.” Then I get an email from her inviting us to her 65th birthday party in 2 weeks and I accepted. Had I been brought up with more insightful and less narcissistic parents, surely I would know what to do next: but I don’t. I can either stick to my guns and keep saying when the subject arises that I don’t respect that, and ‘looks like we’re going to continue on with a shallow relationship, one where I don’t respect the other’s opinion.’
Politics can be incredibly difficult to navigate ❤️ I feel you on this, as there are certain members in my family with whom I steer clear of the subject. It does make for a more shallow connection, but we have to decide how much energy we have to devote to things like this that come up often. It sounds like your friend set her boundary (dropping the subject) and still wants to continue the friendship. Perhaps give it a try and see how it feels, and make a decision from there? Only you know how important this friendship is to you. ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you so much!
Love your content and your style of speaking ❤
Thank youuu ❤️ So glad you're here!
You are brilliant!
Thank youuu ❤️
Spot on, I need your book!
Check your local library- we tried to get it in as many libraries as we could to make it more accessible ❤️
I just found your channel and I am so glad . This resonates with me so much and is something I am working through with my therapist at the moment.
I am so glad you are here! ❤️
Love this!!! I am doing better at it but this is so helpful 💕. Thank you.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you , all the way from Saudi Arabia ,, you are helping me a lot, I wish I knew your channel earlier ❤
This makes me so happy to hear ❤️
You are so right. I already feel more confident on this issue. 😊. ...I agree w/your suggestion of... Mexican restaurant.
🙌🙌🙌
I love your insightful comments thank you. I’m working through Boundary Boss and find your bi weekly talks keep me going! I realised that it was also drummed into me that if I couldn’t write anything positive that I shouldn’t write either! This produced an aha moment, so that’s why my journaling feels so blocked. I’ve just bought a new journal… now where is my pencil sharpener?
What an amazing insight to have ❤️ I hope you enjoy your new journal!
I wish my friend had put it that way to me when I dumped a lot of emotional drama on her, instead of just saying she didn't have time for my drama. Maybe we would still be in touch. Instead our relationship ended. Cuz I thought she was a b****.
Yesterday my neighbour was blasting her radio like she usually does when she Gardens, and I wasn't able to bring it up last summer, except to ask about the content she was listening to ( not what I wanted to say). Yesterday I finally sent her a text using your script "I'd like to make a simple request", and brought up the volume of her radio outside, and she was completely obliging. It worked! I was too nervous to check her text reply last night, but I just checked it this morning. I was starting to think that this music was an affront to prove to me that she and her family had the right to make as much noise as they like because they own half the street and have lived here longer. I had previously complained to her son for driving his dirt bike up and down our street after 9 p.m. You can imagine how irritating that is!
Amazing ❤️ Thanks for sharing this win!
Thanks
Thank you so much for your support! ❤️❤️ I appreciate your generosity and I hope I was able to help.
Terri, I am a “newbie.” I love your advice, so crystal clear. I have a lot of programs to catch up with. Thank you so very much!
Welcome, and I am so glad you are here and finding my content helpful! ❤️
Thank you Terri!@@terri_cole
As I'm getting older, I'm finding it harder to be ok with not speaking up. I feel wildly inauthentic and suffocated in a way because I hold things inside and pretend to be ok with things that I'm not. Speaking up definitely feels hard and intimidating. It's either the feeling of not wanting to hurt someone's feelings or of ending up in conflict with someone. I'm sure most of the issue is my fear surrounding doing it rather than the actual consequences. I guess also fear of displeasing others or feeling unloved because someone is upset with me. However in reality the people that truly love me don't stop loving me because they're upset with me. It just feels that way. It's funny that I logically know these things but the emotions make that not matter...SMH lol
Thank you for sharing- you're so not alone ❤️ Many of us struggle with speaking up due to the fears you mentioned. What I like to say is we are not that fragile, and our relationships aren't that fragile. If they are, then they were likely built on our self-abandonment, which doesn't serve us. (Exactly as you said.) If it feels safer, you can practice speaking your truth in the mirror or roleplay it with trusted pals first!
You can also ask the 3 Qs for clarity here- when you're in a situation where you're afraid to talk true...
1. Who does the person remind you of?
2. Where have you felt like this before?
3. How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to you?
For example, it might be that it reminds you of a time when you spoke your truth to a caregiver or a teacher or childhood friend and they shamed you for it, or were disappointed with you. In those cases, it can be helpful to remember that then is not now. ❤️
@terri_cole thanks so much for your response and advice. I shall try your suggestions. I often wish I could know what shaped me into this way of thinking and being however I have no known trauma and had a normal childhood with parents that love me. It was probably little things that my child brain didn't understand. It's amazing how those little things can have such an effect. Thanks again and for your content.
We absolutely pick up on the slightest things as children and it can have a profound impact on us! ❤️ The guide I made for this episode includes a blueprint to help folks understand where this fear of talking true might come from, in case you want to explore it: www.terricole.com/talk-true-guide/
@@terri_cole thanks. I downloaded the guide.
I have a "friend" who several times I have felt that she takes advantage of knowing that she can treat me or tell me anything and I am going to remain silent. I tried to talk about it with more people from my friend group and they agree with me but I know they won't support me if I start a discussion with her. When I speak in public, especially about my feelings, I get chills and a lot of anxiety. I don't feel physically capable of maintaining a dialogue with her to express what I felt, but she is going to move in a few days and says that she wants to keep in touch and I feel the need to explain everything to her and tell her that I don't want to keep in touch.
She has a dysfunctional family and she told me that she wanted to take her own life, but she uses it as manipulation. When I can't stand being with her anymore and I start to walk away, she comes to me with teary eyes to talk to me about suicide, and in a few days she goes back to her usual rude behavior.
I am sorry to hear you're in this difficult situation ❤️ You could try writing a letter (perhaps after she's moved?) to express how you feel. Or you could simply tell her you don't wish to stay in touch if she reaches out in the future. I would think about what you are hoping for when having this discussion with her, given her manipulation when you "start to walk away."
Huge fan of your work and grateful student here ❤
Though having my own troubles with boundaries and speaking up, I gotta say I always perceived it as a really weird behavior of people , to pick up the phone only to say they do not have time to talk. 😅
Anyways, I myself probably also do weird things in the eyes of others.
So glad my content has helped you ❤️ I see where you're coming from! I think some people might feel pressured to give some sort of answer rather than ignore a call completely.
❤ you are so beautiful and so sweet keep up the amazing work coolcat dan
The emotional chickens are coming ....😅 so true
I feel like this requires a bit of wisdom and be a person of words, some of us just can't express ourselves, we just don't have the words
I think it's okay to write it down, journal about it, and just explore what comes up. It can be difficult to find the words if you were never taught to put yourself first or think of yourself first. It's a practice 💕
My daughter is dating a guy who is a career criminal -in and out of the courtroom and schizoaffective. My daughter and I have been declining in our relationship bit by bit. I won't support this guy for her. I told her last night that I think I have anger and that's probably why I raise my voice and act passive-aggressively. She didn't receive it well and said I was being selfish. She's been very aggressive to me lately. She is upset because I am not accepting her friend.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Christine ❤️ That sounds like a difficult situation.
The problem is I over explaining, and you can see the person getting bored and makes me feel disvalued.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ A lot of us tend to over-explain. Depending on the person, relationship, and situation, context isn't always needed. We can say "no thanks" or "that doesn't work for me" for colleagues, acquaintances, etc. Remember, you don't need to convince anyone of your truth ❤️
@terri_cole very true 👍
Hi Terri,
I have enjoyed this episode and the scenarios explained for better understanding.
I have a question to ask, a question about something that I find confusing, with
regards to our human emotions.
It is ever so nice of that person to lend her personal truck to her neighbour, but yet
"their" expectations have clashed.
Was your friend having or feeling an "expectation hangover" over the other's appreciating
and gratitude?
How do you balance
speaking her truth towards the other person and "feeling"
upset over an unmet expectation?
I would appreciate your knowledge and advise about this topic that I kind of struggle
to understand and at times find confusing.
Thank you Terri. 🤗
Moen
Hi Moen- I think having a conversation up front of what your expectations are would go a long way to avoid these conflicting expectations. ❤️
Hi Terri,
Thank you for your answer.
It is probably a good idea to have a conversation where one can clearly explain expectations in
other words, likes and dislikes.
I am glad to be reading your book and understand boundaries towards others and how to create a positive balanced between prefers vs expects.
Or practice the idea, test & try 😊
What is "the mother wound"?
I have several videos about it, but this one explains what it is: czcams.com/video/CJyFWom0M-0/video.html