Stop Giving Away The INNER POWER You Need to Heal Your Trauma
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- čas přidán 12. 03. 2023
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Trauma during childhood can teach you to "give away your power" through self-destructive tendencies, people pleasing, and an urge to flee conflict, responsibility, and intimacy. To heal trauma, you need your POWER -- the power to take care of yourself, to take action, and to hold boundaries against mistreatment by others. In this video I teach about 20 ways that people with CPTSD sometimes give their power away -- and what to do to build it BACK.
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Appreciate your journey, perspectives and advice! I've had ppl in my life w cptsd and other forms of mental health issues, as well as a relationship w someone who had cptsd/and other symptoms. It was a dark night of the Soul, and helped me to realize at the time I was being codependent I still have major trust issues, which I'm working on ! Your clips are sooo valuable
This is Great 👍 ❤🎉😮😊
😊😊😊😊
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Dark night of the Soul is truly such an accurate representation. ❤
I had to stop my, what I call, Joan of Arc behavior which meant that I went to battle fighting injustice for myself and everyone else, all my co-workers, the union, the parents in my children's class, anywhere. I stepped up and fought all alone against perceived or real injustice. It wore me out, didn't work most of the time, and I set myself up to be criticized and had to deal with ingratitude and others taking the credit. I am now just a regular person who uses my power in a different, healthier, and less depleting way. My mental and physical health improved immensely.
Wow! This is me and it was really disappointing when others didn’t reciprocate. I don’t do that anymore. I rarely stick up for anyone or do a lot for someone that isn’t important in my life. There are two reasons why I don’t do that. The first one is that I don’t want to take away their power to defend themselves or figure things out for themselves. I also don’t need to give too much of my time and energy to people because that will become the expectation and I am not giving them an opportunity to appreciate me. Especially when they don’t ask for my help.
Two, I want to save my energy for people and things that are genuinely important to me.
At work, I used to think it was important to jump in and help to show people how much I knew. That is not so important anymore.
Can so relate to both the original poster and person who posted a reply. Been there, done that myself. Glad to know I was not the only one.
@@Chris-tg3qy This is beautifully stated and very helpful to read. I am so happy you have gained this deep wisdom.
This was me too! It’s so hard to stop but I’m getting better everyday. Glad you got past this xx♥️
Wow yep that was me!
People who hurt others utilize denial just to live with themselves. Therefore, they are not going to admit they wronged you or apologize so stop waiting and take your power back.
My xhusband recognized the same kind of negative behaviors he implemented on me w/ in his middle son bestowed upon our youngest. We all have attention deficit disorder ( either real or from PTSD) and In my research people w/ an under-stimulated frontal lobe we may seek it from others. My husband would pick fights w/ me and my middle son does this to my youngest. When my x recognized these behaviors in our children, I validated his findings. I let him know I see it too, and I call the middle child out. I tell him “I recognize you are board, however; you may not pick on your younger brother to fill that void.” I also reminded him of the articles I’d found about this 5/6 years prior. He shot the conversation down as I pointed out that similarity. He stated he’s “not going to think about that right now”, and put me down. “So this is where the conversation is going.” (Full of disregulation) And changed the subject. So no owning of what he did to me, no apology- nor did I expect it ( radical acceptance) but, I’m still not to the level of radical acceptance that I ignore the opportunity to point it out. A tiny part of me hopes to recognize growth in him. As soon as I realize nope not yet ( the reality is not ever) I stop. When my kids complain of his behavior I sympathize, and explain this is just how he is. I know it’s frustrating, he’s probably not going to change. It’s so difficult for the kids to accept this. The more I remind them & as time goes on, I know they will see it and better at accepting it.
Like that song from Rage Against The Machine-Gotta Take The Power Back!!
And if you get an apology, it's empty. "I'm sorry for everything" isn't an apology.
Amen 100%
Narcissistic behavior
what hurts the most is remembering my many instances of fawning over the people who were mistreating me the most
Oh god me too
Me, too. I look at it now in terms of...I was doing what I thought I needed to do to survive.
Agreed
Now stop yourself and forgive yourself with the understanding why you were doing it.
I know what you mean. At the risk of sounding flip, if my fawn response was any stronger, I could star in "Bambi." I warned my last therapist about it.
Fawning was the best protection I had, first against a parent who abused both emotionally and physically and then against an emotionally abusive spouse. It wasn't all that helpful against the abuse, and it was a problem as it spilled over more and more into the more functional parts of my life.
I'm plenty angry with myself about how much I fawned over the worst people in my life, and I struggle not to fawn. I am slowly learning to recognize that my real anger is toward _them_, because they're the ones whose actions taught me the response. I'm unlearning the fawn response and processing the anger.
200 days no booze today. My power is coming in again. Its calm its beautiful, others are noticing. Thankyou Anna ❤
Update: march 2024.
39 days til 1 year sober. I'm studying now to become an aged and disability support care worker, totally different from being a tradesman as I used to be. My self empowerment has and is increasing as part of my healing. Still triggered all the time but the last one only messed me up for about a day, so much better than a month. Thanks again Anna. Much love to everyone on here. ❤💪👍
Congratulations on your sobriety! I have a little over a year and 4 months. Despite years worth of work, I never made progress on my Recovery from CPTSD until I got clean and sober.
awesome sauce! I really need to stop drinking, but I dont want to go to meetings, do a program, and know exactly how many days since my last drink. Just want to be done with it, like yesterdays news
@@5150Targeted well appreciated. I remember thinking I was in charge of myself, but that was just the alcohol manipulating my immature inner child self. When adult me, the person replying now, realised I needed to take control, take responsibility for my behaviour now, well that's when I decided to stop. That's when I did what I needed to do. What I WANTED was just bs distractions from facing the truth of my destructive behaviour. That's what I NEEDED to do to just be done with it. And I am. 6 days til my 1yr sober, I'm proud of the work I've done to be sober. For 37 yrs I poisoned myself. Respect and best wishes to you. If I may, be kind to yourself, it really helps. 💪👍
Fantastic job man keep it going
PTSD behvaiours that drain your personal power/life force:
1) Believing someone is coming to save you - you have to save yourself.
2) Believing that somone that hasnt appologised to you needs to (and do it right) before you can heal.
3) Trying to get approval from people who are mean or dont care about you.
4) Avoiding conflict (generally)
5) Fighting everyone about everything.
6) Using intoxicating drugs to avoid disregulation (self medication).
7) Putting yourself down/negative self talk. Fawning (4 Trama responses - fight, flight, freeze, fawn).
8) Overspending / debt.
9) Underspending - look in your underware draw - does it reflect your socio economic status.
11?) Avoiding intellectual / personal growth (esp. learning trauma healing techniques).
12) Staying friends with people that drain/diminish you.
12) Getting into romantic relationships with people that can not / will not go the distance with you.
14?) Neglecting yourself making sure you thouragh self care.
15) Doing too much.
16) Doing too little, getting paralized from taking action.
17) Blaming other people for your problems - puts you in a place other than the now.
18) Cutting people out of your life rather than healing relationships.
Avoiding dealing with your problems by:
19) 1.Staying too busy.
20) 2. Being consumed by other peoples problems.
(16:00) - SOLUTIONS:
1) Believing someone is coming to save you - you have to save yourself.
- That is a beautiful fantasy but YOU will have to sort out your own life/issues.
Research problems and solutions.
2) Believing that somone that hasnt appologised to you needs to (and do it right) before you can heal.
- Accept they will never appologise - you dont need it to heal.
3) Trying to get approval from people who are mean or dont care about you.
- Stop trying, release the need for their approval.
4) Avoiding conflict (generally)
- Do your footwork so you can have convosations about what is bothering you.
- Never try to have conversations with people who may abuse you - no point.
- If worried someone will Abandon you - let them!
- If worried for critism - prep for it - use Front Porch Technique.
5) Fighting everyone about everything.
- Confusion about boundaries. What it means when you dont get what you ask for.
- What peoples intentions are when you dont get what you ask for.
- Learn some techniques for staying regulated when you are trying to communicate things that are triggering for you.
[Look for linked resources: Signsof disregulation & Emergency Measure for Re-regulation].
Fighting is a drain, speaking up for yourself is Empowering.
Listening to critism is a drain but being able to listen to critism on your front porch can be Empowering/enlgihtening. You get to have a choice about what goes out and what goes in.
(24.55)
6) Using intoxicating drugs to avoid disregulation (self medication).
- Regularly use the Crappy Childhood Fairy "Daily Practice" calming techniqes to find Ease and Comfort.
7) Putting yourself down/negative self talk. Fawning (4 Trauma responses - fight, flight, freeze, fawn).
- Focus on letting go of what other people think.
- Fawning comes from childhood belief "If Im nice to you mummy will you please stay and be nice to me".
(30.00)
8) Overspending / debt.
- Keep track of you spending, bills (what you owe) and what you earn.
FACE IT!
- Be honest about your finances with others (ie debtors annonymous).
9) Underspending - look in your underwear draw - does it reflect your socio economic status.
- ( you can be both and over and under spender).- It is up to you to make the changes here. You need to plan and put effort into finding ways to providing yourself with more appropriate things.
11?) Avoiding intellectual / personal growth (esp. learning trauma healing techniques).
12) Staying friends with people that drain/diminish you.
- Either these people will leave or you will need to have a conversation.
- As you grow you will attract different people who are mutually supportive in your growth journeys.
12) Getting into romantic relationships with people that can not / will not go the distance with you.
14?) Neglecting yourself making sure you thouragh self care.
15) Doing too much.
16) Doing too little, getting paralized from taking action.
17) Blaming other people for your problems - puts you in a place other than the now.
18) Cutting people out of your life rather than healing relationships.
Avoiding dealing with your problems by:
19) 1.Staying too busy.
20) 2. Being consumed by other peoples problems.
Are you an angel?
Wow!
Great breakdown.
Thanks
Thanks! Please allow this to be "pinned" @CrappyChildhoodFairy
Thank you!!🌻
Thank you so much 🥰
It’s funny because when I buy the socks I like, well made shoes, and good underwear I tell myself. This is your life, you need this to be completely you. In the past, I neglected myself, or “took one for the team” meanwhile was married to a peacock style narcissist who always took the best for himself. My underwear drawer is an example of my feelings of self worth. Thank you for sharing your experience and your accomplishments with such understanding ❤
Thank you for sharing your experience, glad you are finding and honoring YOU.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I kinda relate to your comment. My underwear drawer used to look like a warzone 😂 now i have nice things. Same with clothes...i kept clothes that didnt fit (too big, too small, with holes) when i threw the inappropriate items away i had an intense emotional release for real. I was sobbing but it made me get better
I am proud of you ...and your underwear drawer. I will inventory mine now!
Self sacrifice that spouse didn't notice, or bother with
Indeed. I contend that underwear matters, and not just for the wearer. If I'm wearing nice, great fitting underwear, I'm going to be in a better mood. If I'm wearing bad, ill-fitting underwear, I'm going to be more irritable. Pamper your privates and let it radiate out to the world.
Yes, I'm serious.
Wow. "It takes power to leave a job that no longer works for you." So true
It really does! I used to stay in jobs for years and years, even when it was a horrible, toxic, abusive situation. Now, if I start noticing red flags, I give it a couple of months. If it proves to be a bad situation, I get out!
Teachers are some of the most traumatised people I’ve ever met. Some have a bit of a saviour complex and want to be the people they never had growing up, for their students. Others are real bullies. I work in education and have come across this time and time again. I realised I needed to get out a while back and am in the process of shifting into a new career.
yes, I've noticed almost all school teachers are 20 - 50 lbs overweight 😢
@@cindylou3708 yes, although where I am in Europe they’re more usually old before their time, age badly and are too thin…
@@cindylou3708 either way though, it’s a sign of a stressful and undervalued life
I think the bully type of teacher comes from the ones that do a degree with low employability and go to the teacher profession because there isnt much of an alternative. Teachers should do a mandatory psych evaluation and a vocational test before being allowed to teach.
Al my teachers except one bullied me in high school. It was awful… grade school even worse. And I always wondered when I was small, like, why won’t someone hold my mom accountable instead of me? I’m still bitter.
I'm 41 and just realizing I've never had emotional safety with anyone, except my grandma who died years ago. The only person I've ever been safe with in adulthood is my therapist, who I pay. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted from this painful truth. Please help. 😢
I could have wrote the same words.
I think this situation is normal for a lot of people.
Hey Kat the Great... It does feel overwhelming. Becoming aware of what we tolerated and what we told ourselves was love or safety is a necessary growth step. And growth is both painful & rewarding... in time. I am paying someone as well. Glad you found this channel.
My story is almost exactly the same as yours....with my maternal Grandmother. I'm 69.
hey reldas, i promise if you do the daily practice and really listen to Anna's videos it will bring a lot of positivity into your life even if its hard to do. also see her video on the kind of therapy and therapist you need❤ love and luck to you
the most upsetting part is realising all of this in your 30's and not a decade before. the decade before I felt i was 'allowed' to make my own choices when in reality I was tasked with guessing the one that pleased the main people (person) in my life. It's brutal to find yourself helpless and disliked at the same time as incapable of being (or knowing) yourself
Wow I’m in my 40’s and I know EXACTLY what you mean.
You're right on time! Glad you found the Fairy :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Same. I'm 32 and i wish this discovery was earlier
I'm 52 and I would give anything to have realized all this 30 years ago. It so deeply affected me & influenced my path. Better late than never tho!
56 here.
Anna, 4 years after surviving domestic violence I thought I was ready to date again. After a copule of failed short relationships last year (not going into details here, but long story short: shit happened and I got severely dysregulated), It propelled me to find out what was wrong with me, and why I failed to see 🚩🚩🚩I found your channel and you were describing my life in details. I binge watched all your videos and cried for a week or two. I was devastated to find out that I had CPTSD and A LOT of healing to do. What hit me hardest was «you can not heal in isolation». Fast forward, I am currently in therapy (not talk therapy) and I understand now why I always have a cluttered home = keeping people distant. I realized that I need people and have started to declutter my home in order to take better care of myself in many ways. When I understood what the clutter represented in my life and what I really want, I could finally start to let the clutter go. Anna, thank you for teaching me how to take my life back ❤
Amazing revelation. I hope that youth is on your side.
Super relatable your awesome.
Anna you are doing an amazing job realising this for yourself. Enjoy your ongoing growth and what life has to offer xx
OMG! I’m in the same situation but didn’t realize it until I read your post. I swore after my mother died that I would get rid of everything that was cluttering up the house. Fast forward four years later and it’s still cluttered. I use it as an excuse Not to invite people to my home. I’m more FD up than I realized😞
Could you please share/recommend the theraphy?
I really like that you emphasize the importance of money. We are surrounded by messaging urging us to not care about money, to be less materialistic, that money is bad and if we want it then we are bad too. As someone who has had a life of poverty which I'm now doing my best to turn around, I feel that you make a very important point here. Lack of resources had extremely negative outcomes for my children as well as myself. So grateful for your hard work helping people like me, thank you.
Truthfully, people who say money doesn't matter and that it can't buy you happiness (ie. wellbeing, stability, joy) are either lying or have never ever experienced having to choose between paying rent to keep a roof over their heads or eating food that week. Money is just tokens you get to trade for enjoyable and also vital things in this world and our lifetime. Not having enough money to even have a hobby or to do even one fun thing each week that costs money, sucks and it DOES impact you. Even if you make-do and already engage in free hobbies. Money is also a way of being social, and joining in with friends who have money to eat at a restaurant or see a movie is also important.
It's not vain or shallow to say this and I'm really glad Anna spoke about the importance of money, too. Money affects self esteem, socialisation, your joy, health, and participation in this world. Even if it's just sitting in your account going nowhere being saved up - that means it exists! And that alone relieves serious stress. ❤
Also living in a world where we're told it's virtuous to pretend money doesn't matter to us, and that it's shallow and unlikeable to say it does, is another thing that really affects my self esteem sometimes.
Isnt it crazy how they try hypnotizing us 😶 go to the food store, not having eaten for a few days, then tell the shop keeper that "excuse me, money is not important, just gimme the food" 😶
Just sending prayers and love to you and your children. I pray today finds you well and that the Lord blesses your family's life in Jesus name amen
Yeh you need enough so that you're not in a constant state of fear.
My hobby now is working my recovery...
Same
Aged 50 so about time
We're worth it
Every video I watch is an epiphany after 53 years of unspeakable hardships. I'm using the daily practice and finding moments of peace already. Thank you for these ❤
I'm so happy to hear the channel and the Practice have been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes! The wisdom I get from Anna's videos has been priceless for me, since I discovered this channel a year ago. She's like the "good mother" and best friend I never had! I wish I could find people in my real life that I felt as safe with.
Same ❤
At 67 I continue to work on these deep issues. My entire life has been filled with relationships that have ended mainly due to my emotional deregulation. Of course, the others in the relationships had their own issues, too. But my CPTSD has robbed me of a great deal of my life. It's never too late to heal.
I am finding myself helping myself by watching you. I can't afford therapy and I don't want to have to go over all the things with a new therapist.
Your content has been very helpful in reminding me of the tools I have accumulated over the past 20 years of on and off therapy.
Thank you for creating this channel.
I have battled with this my whole life. At 35, I'm finally seeing the path to heal. the algorithm brought me to your videos and I'm glad. You put into words everything I subconsciously knew, I just needed someone to say it out loud.
I woke up, fed the baby, made coffee, turned on your video and....brushed my hair. My children get the care they need from me, but I don't care for myself. The first step, just taking the time to put myself together in the morning, really does feel powerful.
I want to heal for my children. They don't deserve the turmoil I grew up in. All I see in myself is my mother and sometimes I'm afraid I'm just as narcissistic as she.
I'm also 35, and grew up in a very negative environment. And trying my best to give my children the life they deserve. ❤😊 keep your head up, and always make time to make yourself happy too. Because you matter. . 😊 💪 👑
35 club. My daughter is 13…. And I’m still having to learn how to take care of myself with same amount of love and care that I do for her.
I feel you. Keep going.
Hey I’m 72 and only just learning about this. Too late for me as my kids are grown but whatever you need to do, do it now! Don’t waste time ; wish I’d known about this when I was 35 instead of just feeling like a fish out of water a lot of the time
Oh, and by the way, I did go to Kohls and buy another two pairs of jeans in my current size instead of waiting for myself to lose weight to get back into my smaller jeans. I just passed those jeans along to charity. Then I've lost 15 pounds and counting. Thank you, Anna, for your wise teaching about loving yourself right NOW.
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow, thanks for this comment. I just went online an ordered a larger pair of jeans. So that I didn't have to wait to get slimmer
Yes! I no longer keep or wear clothing that doesn't fit me, or is uncomfortable for any reason. I don't care about the size of my clothes, I just want to respect myself and my body enough to provide comfort for myself.
This was jaw dropping for me to the point my mouth was dry, right down to the lack of shopping, buying in all colours so you don't have to be bothered. They all resonated with me. The mental trauma of my childhood is worse than the physical and mental torture inflicted on me for decades. I have allowed it to continue because I didn't want to hurt or offend anyone because of how much it hurt me, but I ended up hurting and hating myself for 65 years.
Thank for sharing this comment and your age. Sometimes, I look at my age 63, 64 and wonder why I didn't do better, other times, I am fully aware that I did the best I could; sought help and advice, etc. This CCF project is a gift from God.
I am 66
All my life gave away myself and left with nothing.
I am now doing the work,not even close to where I need to be but better then a year ago.
I crap fit all my relationships.
I have no relationships now whatsoever.
I have my animals,live alone.
Working on myself and have hope.
I have to follow through on doing the daily practice,starting today.
I’m 83 and still working on myself.
"Power, the inner resource inside. where you **know the next right action***. and you have the strength to do that action." I appreciate how she noted that power is the ability to have the inner sense of knowing. When you are drained of your power, its so hard to even KNOW, to even feel, to even sense, what the next right action is.
Great comment! Thank you!
Can you do an episode to address that awkward stage where you've started the recovery process but it hasn't become second nature? IE. Signing up for online courses and having difficulty following through to the end; letting go of toxic relationships but having difficulty finding healthy ones.
The needing an apology to heal is a big one for me. It's like if someone sees me as undeserving or bad, then it's a cosmic insight rather than the opinion of one person.
That has beenn a big one for me, too. Feeling like I can't be OK unless the people who hurt me terribly apologize sincerely for what they did (and also change their behavior). In most cases, people generally don't feel bad about what they've done to hurt you, and are angry that you call them out on it. At least that's been my experience. I have had to learn to be OK with myself, and make my own healing a priority, regardless of whether or not I ever get an apology. I am still working on this, but it is getting easier!
Hey Anna! The last time you talked about our underwear drawers, I commented that
I HAD NO UNDERWEAR!!
I do now!! Lots of pretty undies ... Just for me...and it doesn't break the bank!! 💜
Yay!
😂
That made me smile and tear up a little. May you always be able to afford necessities and live without the fear of being hungry or not clothed. ❤
It's so hard for me to let go of friends who drain my power. I have convinced myself that because of the love my mother withheld from me, I need to be a better person by giving love to hurting people.
I am the same, but now we recognize that in the end we are only holding ourselves back. There is healing happening every time you choose yourself.
I wasted decades fighting and fixing relationships that could not be fixed. A lot of damage happened. I thought I should never give up on family. Or if the person knew how much it was hurting. They would stop. Not true. The energy to improve it made it worse. I wish I walked.
Wow, me too! I look back on my life, and the relationships I tried for years and years to make it work, and I realize that I wasted so much time and energy. I wish I would've walked, too! But at that time in my life I didn't have the awareness that I do now, nor the sense that I deserved more.
At least we know better now, and can make better choice in who we allow into our lives. It's better late then never!
Writing is great. Slow living is good. Giving yourself time to work out what is better for you is often a first step.
I avoid conflict because when someone hurts me I can’t get far enough away from them. The last thing I want to do is talk to them about it. But then it festers inside of me and makes me physically ill. I realized I don’t feel like I have the right to have a problem with anything so I have to keep it inside. And that I also have to protect my family from the hurt that they cause me because I don’t want to make them feel bad.
I hear you. We understand as few others can the impulse to do that, but you don't deserve to let things fester and cause you pain. If you're interested, I highly recommend that you check out Anna's free course 'The Daily Practice'. Here is a link: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy
Started crying at your first 2 sentences! Just paused after the first minute- such powerful deep, deep truth. Sometimes your work just takes my breath away-in the most important way-painful and so necessary for healing,seeing and radical acceptance. I feel so seen by your work, the brave letters you read, and the precious people in this community. I can tell this is going to be one of your most important videos. Thank you for your diligent, nuanced, clear eyed lived wisdom , observation and using your gifts to share it with us. Ok... we're in this together..here goes... deep breath and pressing "play" ... May loving thoughts water your hearts!!
Agreed completely
Anna's work - her heart, her direct yet nurturing approach - also takes my breath away; in the most life-giving way; powerful yet soft. I sent these words to a friend from a poem I read earlier today, and suspect you might like them, too "Don't always try to catch your breath. Be breathless from time to time." - Sarah Blondin
I see you. Same. ❤
How beautiful Em!! Thank you for your response and for your lovely heart
@@SacredSoulPractice Isee you too- grateful
Shopping / shopping mall anxiety! I thought that I was the only one who suffers from this! I have to prepare myself mentally and emotionally, choose a quiet day, when I'm not stressed or pressured, and a place that has an easy exit when I just can't take it anymore - 30 minutes on a good day 😂
Just must say that I hated malls & shopping pre-traumatizstion! They are designed to make us spend money faster than we can find the exits! 😂
I found it easier to develop relationships in stores with employees that weren't based in malls. I could ask their honest advice about clothing that suits me. Bonus is that they no longer work at the store but they are my friend. Malls are so draining
I used to really love shopping (many years ago), but now I can't stand it! I even hate going grocery shopping now. My shopping strategy now is to just go in with a list, get what I need, and get out as quickly as possible. I'm not sure if it's a trauma thing for me, since I used to like it? But maybe before I became more self-aware, I was using the activity of shopping to calm myself, and now that I know what triggers my dysregulation, I have realized that shopping isn't actually relaxing for me.
I started the daily practice a week ago. It really is amazing. I write every day, get all my feelings out and then meditate/breathing. Its working. Plus i do a hour per day of exercise to get rid of more tension. So thank you 💗
Wonderful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m so glad for you.well done…I wish I could just get one of the things you do done,I know I should be able to but there is some kind of block in the way
I wish I could do this. My adhd makes it impossible. But I DO it when I can. Using lists and schedules helps a lot, but I get distracted and forget 😂
This was a great vid. Thank you !
Growing up w an emotionally abuse dad who was an alcoholic set the conditions that i never believed in myself. I’m college educated but married at 24 (the rescue) to a man who turned out to be financially controlling and a covert narc. I left the marriage 34 years in and face financial uncertainty w no career. It’s hard to whole heartedly believe I can have a vibrant life and make money to sustain me and have the money I want to have the extras in life. I’m in counseling, know the right things to do, but can fall back on fear from time to time. I went from divorce to full time care for 2 aging parents. One died. The other lives we me. 6 years of this now. 6 years older for me.
Is it really possible to do a successful 180 degree turn so late in life? I made so many disempowered choices when I had every opportunity to achieve in life if ONLY I believed in myself.
Thanks, childhood trauma! Ugh.
Thanks CCF for your great work!
Love the “front porch” advice :)
I am 67 and have worked on every form of abuse from family since my mid 20’s, and at various times hoped I was done with it, but kept one thread, hope against hope, re:my youngest sister who married an abusive man and asked me to respect her marriage and they’d threw me a few crumbs or a bone every so often. I finally let him have it, and “how could I?!! I essentially disowned what was left of my alcoholic family. The veils of my denial have been lifting. These teachings are invaluable. Thank you.
"Power" is another word for Mental Energy. And mental energy relies on physical energy. You can't think straight when you're tired.
My jaw is on the ground over how specific this video is to me lol. You truly are doing God's work Anna. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words! I'm so glad the video was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow, me too! I feel l ike Anna made this video specifically for me!
I had to laugh when you were talking about expecting an apology. Years ago I wrote a poem about this. As you read it, you can imagine what my husband was like.
Waiting for the cows to crow
Keep your nose up in the air
Cover your sweet Diary-Air
Don’t admit the wrongs you did
Cover them up
And keep them hid
Stare at the ceiling
While I rant and rave
Slowly digging a lonely grave
Waiting for you to admit your lies
To put down for the moment your phony disguise
Waiting for you admit your guilt
You part in destroying
The life that we built
Waiting for the cows to crow
Waiting for the rocks to grow
Waiting for the stars to fall
Waiting for my Makers call
Wading through all this sorrow
Waiting Lord for tomorrow
By Madmommamovestomexico
To say I”m sorry first you have to admit your mistake. I never got this much. So here’s my improv addition:
Waiting to hear I’m sorry babe
How dumb
This is just not how a narcissist is
Made
It took me a long time to get this. Thank you for all your information and insights. Everything I’ve been learning as had this incredible effect on me. it’s all falling into place, like a giant jigsaw puzzle, I see it now.
Thanks sgain
Love the poem. So true!
I was taught that I must personally be prepared for my needs and others for everything. This caused me to have chronic overbuying. It was seen as a failure if I needed to go to the store the day before I need something. Like if I needed a binder for class, success was planning that a week before. So I spent all this time and money for what if. I've been crushed under a mountain of stuff now. It's like my toxic family knew that I would be too busy shifting through things I don't need, looking for my keys or something important and I'd be distracted from the fact that they were draining my life force so they could depend on me instead of doing for themselves.
I'm clearing out my house and as I declutter my mental health improves and I have less ability to deal with other people's BS. I've also realized that I don't actually need to be responsible for having everything I need all the time. Security is knowing you are capable of getting the things that you need when you need them. And doing things "last minute" isn't a failure unless it's stressful for you.
I am so blown away by this channel. I found it about a month ago and can't stop watching. I'm a recovering heroin addict(7 yrs clean 💪) and have went through the 12 steps in AA and completed my 4th step. I kinda backed off after the first few years and went through A LOT(relationship issues,health issues) these past 2 years and have been suffering unbelievably. Hearing Anna talk about her daily practice was like a punch in the mouth to me, I had amazingly never once thought of going back to AA or reworking a 4th step!! I completely isolated myself and just basically was falling apart, therapy wasn't working. I have no idea how I managed to stay clean. You've reminded me that I know a way out I just have to be honest, work at it(and dont stop just bc i "feel better")and reach out to people. What you're doing for people seriously brings tears to my eyes. We deserve healing and peace. Thank you for reminding me 💞🫡
Seven years!!!!!! I'm honestly so happy for you. I'm glad you're here. The Daily Practice comes from AA. If you ever want to meet the alcoholics who practice this as the Daily Steps, reach out to me at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you so much!
Good job! I used to be so angry and dismissive toward people struggling with self-medicating, addiction, alcoholism....then I saw a Ted Talk on addiction and it changed my whole perspective. Just like with childhood trauma, we have to accept what's happened and learn ways to move forward and live our best lives. Very happy you're putting in the work and have a fresh start. Hope is everything. 🙂❤️🌹
Hi.
I'm Bruce.Im an Alcoholic.
Have you ever done your 5th Step?
I saw guys completely changed from that one. Emotionally, Mentally and Physically. ( One guy was always pissed off, never smiled and hi face was always bright red) That all went away immediately after he finished the 5th.
Know how to do it?
You take all the names you wrote down and you think long and hard about and you honestly write down what your part was. What did you do to them eh. You have to be brutally honest about this.
Also you open the closet door to the place where all of your skeletons reside
Your secrets, things that you've done that totally shame you, things that you would never admit to anyone. Write it all down. As far back as you can remember.
37:14 OMG, thank you so much. My life changed so much when I started making enough money to take care of myself and positively effect my situation. People in the therapy/ mental health community (as well as medical community) really need to recognize the importance of money in how a person relates with themselves and the world around them.
My recent limerent episode was at least partially out of a desire to be rescued. I justified this magical thinking by imagining that I could also rescue my limerent object. I actually thought I could earn my way and achieve a meeting of the minds. I didn't realize how delusional I'd been until I learned about limerence and CPTSD and then it all made sense.
I've learned from personal experience that healing from trauma requires us to stop giving away our inner power. It can be frustrating when those who hurt us refuse to take responsibility for their actions, but it's important to realize that waiting for them to apologize only prolongs our own suffering. Instead, we must take back our power and focus on our own healing, regardless of whether or not the other person acknowledges their wrongdoing.
Why is it when we speak up for ourselves we’re afraid to? & why are people upset when we speak up make us feel like we’re crazy or a horrible person? Can you make a video on becoming unapologetically us
More and more I hear you supporting my biggest lesson of acceptance. There comes a time when you realize you just have to be your own damn hero! It's scary, it's messy and seems almost impossible, but it IS POSSIBLE! I JUST LOVE YOUR AUTHENTIC HEART
Thank you for supporting this Channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love that you said be your own damn hero. I really needed that. Especially right now.
@@KM-nd6wj you got this!! I promise.
There is a song Mariah Carey sings Hero. Good song.
@@KM-nd6wj Yes, it was when I realized that no one is coming to swoop down and "save" me, that I understood I have to be that hero for myself!
"Hair brushed on the back..."!! Oh girl I laughed so hard! It's almost as bad as having missing teeth...
On the backside of hell, I had ALL my teeth out last week!! Talk about Facing Demons and training my brain to focus on the long game!! =
A shiny new set of choppers down the road!
That was HARD! But Doing it!!
Anna your videos have helped me change my life 😻 I struggled for years in therapy, medications, every diagnosis in the book, feeling like nothing was worth it… and your videos came at the perfect time when I was ready for a total paradigm shift. Not just in recovery, but in my life!! I totally know what you mean when you say you want to scream it from the rooftops, “I found a cure!!” It seriously feels like I found a cure for cancer. I am becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be. So lucky and grateful to have discovered you in my 20s ❤❤❤
Yay! It's so great to hear success stories like this! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful, thank you for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When she said "petrol, for those of you in Britain " 33:00, I felt so seen. 😊
It really is the little things.
💐 Thank you for thinking of the little things.
The underwear drawer never lies.
I have a little story to tell about needing someone to apologize to you. TW sexual assault/r@pe
When I was 15-18 I was "best friends" with a much older man. We hung out every day for years. He had severe mental disabilities and told myself it was ok to be friends with him because his disabilities made him much more childlike. His issues were relatable to me and we would watch TV and do crafts and go for bike rides and just .. hang out. I thought he was great. I thought his apartment was great.
One day I was very drunk. The cops had shown up at the party I was at. I'd escaped the party before getting busted but I didn't want my mom to know I was drunk so this friend agreed to let me stay at his place. Offered me his bed, got me water and a blankie, went to go sleep on the couch, only to wake up to him r@ping me while I had been passed out. I didn't talk to him again. For a LONG time. I ruminated on it. I blamed this incident for SO MANY of my problems. I'd turn a perfectly good day into a hellish one thinking about it and making myself upset.
One day when I was... 22? I pounded on his door and demanded he let me in. Told him exactly how he hurt me. That he was a r@pist and a piece of shit. For some reason, in my head, this would lead to him realizing that he was wrong, apologizing, *something* anything. All I got was a shrug and a "I never told you I was a good person" and I looked around and he was ... Exactly the same. His apartment was the same. His face was the same. His mannerisms and words were the same. And my perspective shifted so dramatically. This house I always admired I realized was filthy. Stained. Dirty. The person I thought was cool was... Weird. Creepy. Stuck.
He was in the same spot. In the same house. With the same friends. With the same issues. He had gone nowhere. He tried to update me on his life and nothing had changed for him at all. It made me realize how broken I was back then, that I didn't see it. How I was so desperate to get away from my home and have someone care about me that I thought this hellhole was a haven. How I spent years of my life focusing on hatred of this human when he never gave it a second thought. That yes, what he did to me was a huge injustice to me, but the real injustice was that I spent years thinking that if I barged in and demanded an apology everything would change, and nothing did.
I hurt myself over the situation far more than he had hurt me to begin with. My friends would tell me to get over it (in a much nicer way than that) and I was just as stuck as he was.
If, right now, you think your life will change with an apology, I want you to think. Really really think. How many good days did you turn into bad ones waiting for this? How much of your time did you spend summoning rage, hatred, sorrow, self pity, instead of appreciating what's in front of you?
I KNOW it's easier said than done. And I still struggle with this SO MUCH. But man. Letting that shit go has helped me so much! Make a conscious effort to take all those feelings and just, dump it out! I wrote out a bunch of pages of allllll those thoughts I'd have over the years and LIT THAT SHIT ON FIRE! All those awful thoughts and feelings I'd held onto (and almost... nourished?) I turned into smoke in the wind. It felt great. He no longer has my power.
I have had many wise therapist, but no one was as wise, helpful, and comforting as you.!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! SO happy life got better for you!!!
Yes mam😥😓 every single thing you said made me cry thinking about the way so many people have been severely traumatized and they're just trying to cope with being alive when we have the potential to live such a happy serene life no matter what happened in the past, I hope we can all make it there. Healing is possible for us all, all we need is awareness and a desire to get better.. and beyond those intense struggles we deal with on a daily basis is a life better than we could even imagine because when you have an inner foundation of peace and wellbeing life feels so good, even the bad stuff doesn't feel as bad because you know in your heart you're always okay.
I really am trying to get up and improve my life but my body is in pain. The stiffness, the aches due to my physical being attacked by long-term depression is preventing me from doing so. I will never give up and one way or another I have to fix this. Much love to everyone here❤️❤️❤️
Food is my crutch for avoiding the work and masking my pain.
This used to be me too, and on a bad day it still is, but healing my cptsd really helped with that alot. It made it possible to take the weight off and so far it hasnt come back
I was sexually emotionally and physically abused i have just gone no contact at 53 years of age i wish i done it at 23!!! EMDR saved my life,love your channel,i ended up a project manager in mental health, controlling my emotional dysregulation has been a ever evolving journey
This happened Friday.
Was driving through the tennis courts parking lot. Suddenly, this lady tried to back out of her spot. I had split-second decision: slam on brakes so she could safely back out. Or, scoot past her, quickly, causing her to hit her brakes. I scooted past. She preceded to angrily block my car in my spot, waited for me to exit, and then called me name upon name.
"I don't have a backup camera, you idiot!!"
Like I would know that.
I responded, "I had the right of way," I responded calmly. "By the time I saw you, I was almost past you."
She threw out a few more curse words and peeled out.
"Whatever, Lady," I said while shaking my head. I almost said, "Jesus loves you, and I'm trying to." That would have really pissed her off!
I had a choice: play tennis without giving it a second thought or stew on her actions and let it affect my game and day?
I chose the former, thinking it was Friday and she had way more on her mind than a minor incident.
Power wasn't lost, even though I lost my tennis match. Dang it......
@CZcamscontentcreator101 Anna, what does this mean?
I found by owning my trauma without shame..by speaking my truth and sharing my experiences without fear of judgement is the mostempowering thing in the world!!..We survived we already won!! The same strength that keeps us believing our self destructive patterns and core beliefs is the same strength that can be used to heal and create a better healthier and more abundant life now!
You nailed it on the money part. Thank you SO much for bringing that into light for people who don't understand, especially with having to stay in abusive relationships.
When others around me say money can't buy happiness, i always say but it can buy you food and shelter, and how are you supposed to even live without that, let alone thrive? People seem to forget about the basics when they have so much already.
I’m grateful that the algorithm helped me find your CZcams channel. Your straightforward, caring, and informative style is helping me make sense of some areas that had gotten murky. I feel empowered to see what is, understand myself better, and take action in new ways.
Love the front porch thing…
Sooo True!!! At minute marker 19:12, you refer to : “Instead of believing that someone has to apologize for you to heal, just accept that they are NEVER GOING TO APOLOGIZE!” It took me more than 50 years to reach that point of reality! But better late than never!!!😊 It is such a relief to discover that life can go on ( much smoother ) when we stop wasting time waiting for the abuser to acknowledge abuse!! We can reconstruct our lives WITHOUT the abuser!!!
Absolutely! With certain individuals, if we wait for an apology (or a change in their behavior, most importantly), we'll be waiting literally forever. I have only reached this reality at the age of 60, very recently! I can't wait for what others may or may not ever do to move ahead with my healing. Healing doesn't depend on other people, it depends on the time and energy I devote to taking good care of myself, and making sure I get my needs met.
I could not save myself on my own. I was in terrible situation so my father had to step up and take me under his wing after being distant for a long time
My narcissist ex randomly “apologized” to me last week after several years- the strategically flowery language had evolved, but the sincerity was feigned as ever. I was not affected by it, good or bad- because I have been doing the work in my life to heal from not only that situation, but all of my trauma- and it was such a pleasant surprise to receive that message and simply see it for what it was. The point is that all of us deserve apologies from someone- many someones, in most cases. But the simple fact is those people are probably not even capable of giving us the apologies we deserve; there was a long period of time in my life when that fact was so utterly depleting and defeating to consider, because hanging on to that hope of validation and/or vindication seemed so … vital. It truly felt like that was the key to being able to move on and thrive in life. But it’s NOT! I fully see now that waiting for apologies (from toxic people who are incapable of doing so, in situations where healing or reconciliation is not in fact possible) is nothing more than continuing to give my power away to them. (This includes ruminating over the perfect apology you would like to hear, etc.) I just wanted to put this out here in case anyone needed to hear it today- she is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy for being a true LIGHT in every sense of the word. You are a life giver and a TRUTH TELLER, and the work you do is changing the world.
Thank you so much for supporting Anna's work!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just want to sincerely like me. I’m 70. My autoimmune hashimotos has me so fatigued and I’m under the care of a naturopathic nurse. My one cup of black coffee is my only drug. My biggest regret is not having a voice to protect myself from abusive parents. Over spending is my problem under the guise of creating art.
Right out of high school. Married my HS sweetheart. He was awesome with my issues while dating. After I do, he became controlling an dictator. Then the verbal abuse and gaslighting. Took over where my parents left off. Had 2 children with him. 14.yrs I stayed. He told me "I don't love you anymore" the rest is a painful memory that lasted 10 yrs.
That sounds really hard, I'm so glad you're here learning to take your power back!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It is so hard to know when you are receiving appropriate feedback about your behavior or just being abused again, but we gotta keep trying... Thank you for this video!
You have to ask-does this person gain power over me by saying this or are they gaining intimacy with me?
I'd be careful here. Feedback has elements. 1. Your action. 2. How that doesn't work best in the situation. 3. Strategies to do different or better. That is feedback. Ppl telling you what you did wrong and how in their opinion you should because THEY would have done xyz or THEY would t have an issue is simply criticism and opinion. Not helpful fir your future growth and abusive on the part of the person giving "feedback" . Hint. Feedback should encourage you to improve NOT shame you or put you down.
One thing that REALLY helped me, was asking "would an empathetic person do this/ask this of someone?" And my god, has it cleared up a lottt of messy situation i was about to get myself stuck in again.. 🙏✨
I like to apply this to how others reacted in the situation, but then also look at how you react.
There was a time I couldn't even name what I was feeling. I felt like a body that just received high voltage. I tried the therapy route and found that all I was doing was giving my power away. I made a personal commitment for myself and that was to never see a therapist. I wrote in my journal I was taking my power back. I was taking real action and real choices that were going to help me. If something doesn't help me or I get bad vibes off of it then I walk away from it. Seeing tons of therapists has only taught me to be helpless. I'm a real person who can make good decisions
I wasn't allowed to have a child's needs. Too inconvenient. Prioritizing myself felt empty and selfish, and still feels unnatural. I needed approval so I ppl pleased constantly. When you don't get your basic emotional needs met you lose who you are, as Dr Gabor Mate says. I still don't know who I am after decades of meditation, therapy & self help. I accept I will never undo all the damage but strive to be present in the moment, not let bad programming run my life unchecked, making something better ea day.
You deserve good things in your life! Good for you for working toward that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I love that you said that we should embrace the emptiness that comes from distancing from our distractions. I also loved that you shared exactly how to deal with the impending thoughts that will fill that space.
Australia watching 🎉I put on a lot of weight during covid,heaps of adds in this ,watching to get you paid ❤everyone press the like button ,subscribe and watch the adds.she deserves something for all the free content Anna provides 😊
Just watched the Dr Swatch soap add! So funny!
Yes! She is a true God send! I love her! Such an authentic and caring person with loads of insight and wisdom!
I just found this channel yesterday 4/21/2023. It was a rough day; many emotions hit me all at once. I started educating myself about trauma about 1 1/2 years ago after a traumatic event that left me completely broken. Literally, I felt split in half.
Went through dozens of books trying to find out what happened. Finally, I realized it was childhood trauma from a toxic, dysfunctional family upbringing, where I was indoctrinated with control and fear.
At 54 years old, wishing I had found out earlier in life because this trauma has stopped me from building the life I always wanted. I come from a family with a limiting way of thinking, but for some reason, I knew there was something more to life than what I was seeing and experiencing. I want to stop living in the past and move forward.
I started (ETT Light Therapy) therapy a few months ago, but I am unsure if it is helping.
I am hoping this channel helps, 🙏.
Wishing you the best and hope you get the help you need to deal with your situation. Peace and love ❤️
Talking about people draining my power…… I grew up with a controlling family that “drained a lot of power from me”. I married someone that drained a lot of financial power from me. My wife spent tons of money needlessly , causing us to live in needless poverty. I was mocked at work often because I’m a Christian. That’s very draining , very depressing……I’m told I’m wrong often by people who are wrong themselves and want to argue often. That drains a lot of personal power. Now I’m alone and very lonely and depressed. WHAT PERSONAL POWER DO I HAVE LEFT ?????? I hate this world with a passion and am anxious to go to heaven where social rules will be different……Where I can be myself and BE HAPPY.
I feel like I only really exist as a reflection of what other people think of me. It creates a feeling of not having my own life. I don't know if that makes sense. An example would be if I do something smart, all I can see or feel is some other person seeing me be smart. I don't see myself in the situation, just their thought about me. I think maybe it means I just want someone to notice that I am smart, not having them point out every flaw. I have been pushed around by my older siblings since day one when I had to hide in the closet when they were fighting. I grew up scared. Now I feel like a shadow. I am withdrawing from people because I keep getting hurt. I am becoming a hermit. In being a co-trustee with my little sister on my parent's trust, my older siblings will only listen to what she says. So for my own safety, I have to withdraw and let her talk to my brother who wants to threaten me -- not physically, I know he wouldn't hurt me -- but he just knows I will back away and metaphorically get back in that closet to hide from confrontation.
That sounds hard, we understand as few others can. You're in the right place and we're all sending you encouragement. -Calista@TeamFairy
This really resonated with me, you are not alone ❤
I online shop because shopping triggers me.
Oh Anna, my goodness! After listening to the first 2 minutes of this video yesterday, I knew that I needed to hit pause and return when I had time to focus and listen to every syllable. The full message is indeed "powerful"; one to listen to slowly and take notes with a cup of milky tea nearby; one to savor as a reminder of how far I've come (Praise God), and with each day and week, the Life Force returns; it sustains during moments of painful reflection as well as moments of fear that the shoe will eventually drop (again.) Thank you, thank you for sharing in the ways that you do. I can't help but wonder how many people from this community talk about you with the good people in their lives as if you're a dear friend; my friends surely know all about "Anna", the woman who has helped SO MUCH🌷🌷🌷
What a beautiful thing to say! Thank you for your kind encouragement.
I love the front porch analogy!
"Joan of Arc" syndrome as mentionned in one of the top comments should be in the books. It's a brilliant way to illustrate what's described here. I'm stuck in that pattern right now as a social worker. I grew up putting everyone's needs ahead of mine because I had to be my parents' parent and it comes very naturally for me to speak out, go to war without enough troops, and put myself in the line of fire for people in need. But it's not viable if it's not done in conjunction with proper self care and REALLY strong boundaries. My number one problem right now is that my work culture goes against that and that I'm surrounded by narcissists who don't take putting down boundaries very kindly. The smartest solution would be to leave, but I love my actual job and don't want to say goodbye to the incredible patients I've been working with for so many years. I have some thinking to do. Your channel has been very helpful. Thank you so much 💜
Thanks so much for all you do. You are the mom I never had! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
And hey, best part for you? I'm not a kid you had to pay for or take any responsibilities for! Lol.
You are so welcome
LOL!
I feel the same way! ❤ Would that make us sisters? 😆 I have learned so much from Anna, and I’m so grateful she is brave enough to be so honest and vulnerable on CZcams. I felt called out with the part about buying the same shirt in every color just to be done shopping. Whoops! Lol 😅😂 I appreciated noticing another place I can do some healing, and the way she does it is so full of compassion and encouragement!
Gosh. I never understood as an adult my problem with shopping for clothes but that was exactly it. It’s hard to hear and remember but thank you for identifying that.
This one hour is more helpful to me, than a year of therapy... Thanks so much Anna!!!
“Seeking Validation” needs a new name bc to the people who do it don’t recognize they are doing it. They think they are doing something else. No one says to themselves “I’m going to go get validation from xyz”. Framing that in a different way, describing what it looks like, or something may be more effective.
Re money: financial abuse is a thing. Comes in many forms and from different avenues. Parents, spouse, Ex-narcissistic partner. DSHS, IRS, and all those who take, prevent, steal and breadcrumb. Financial abuse can come in many forms and yes, money brings choices.
It wasn’t until I heard you say this, Anna, but it really sunk in.
“Money is part of your power.
It’s part of your ability to make choices in the world.”
When I have to choose between propane canisters to cook/for heat, or a new pair of underwear… guess what wins. Toothpaste or lipstick? TP or floss?
🙏🏼Grateful I can cook, brush my teeth and wipe my ass, but dang I miss choices.
This whole video is sooo good.
Here are my time stamps for future self...
37:00 Under earning
43:35 Make time for learning
Love it when you laugh!
People need to watch the line they draw, if the recession hits hard, banks can use that same eviction rule to kick out anyone
I have binge-eating problem at midnight since high school, extra shopping and get me in credit card debt for clothes that I'll never wear for once when I started working. It's like an empty hole in my heart I can never fill it up. Now I found why I have this loneliness and sense in void. Thank you so much❤
You are so welcome :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You are a beautiful and kind tempered woman who says truths in such a heart compelling way, i feel the sincerity and care. Thank you for helping and be of use to me on my journey to heal and overcome my past traumas and move into a new light. I am learning in a way that is allowing me to take the reigns on my power back. Thank you truly.
Wow, thank you!
This video is a real power hour
Thank you for an entire hour about POWER! The power hour, ha! This was a really good one. Many, many good observations here, lots of relevant material. Myself, I particularly want to break the cycle of overfunctioning followed by burnout then underfunctioning.
Julie! Nice to see you here.
I'm in burnout stage right now trying to make sense of my next step. Fighting with myself over making the right decision for me... no support systems, I'm isolated and ashamed that I let it happen and terrified of jumping " out of the frying pan only to end up in the fire"...
I have been in DA since 2013 and have had many PRGs. They do a number of things: 1) Give the person experience setting up a meeting with others. That's already something lots of compulsive people have not done. 2) ASK for help - we actually have to make a bunch of calls to find 2 people who are available and willing and face rejection and accept that the "perfect person" is not always at our disposal. 3) Creates a framework that demands us to add and subtract our numbers and get them into a format that others can easily look over. When I am on a new person's PRG, I almost always am stunned at how unclear their own numbers are to them - they have too many accounts, money that isn't liquid when they need it, money they are pretending isn't there while they live in deprivation, or spending that doesn't serve their real needs, excessive dependence on relatives that they take for granted. And bizarre categories, or putting items under the wrong category ("House Plants," IMO, don't go under "Shelter," but I have seen them there.) It's a time for a reality check. But as in all things 12-step, "Take what you like, and leave the rest," as the other 2 people can't always understand why a suggestion doesn't fit our lives.
Thank you for the "underwear drawer " memory that stands true even today for myself. I have only learned of and viewed your videos for the past few days or so but I did notice today my thoughts and behaviors , responses that "are all normal " for CPTSD adults, makes me feel like its normal for me. It is comforting.
Thank you
Bam💥easily one year of talk, talk, talk therapy in one hour. Ty, Anna! I’m so tired of talking. It’s worse than reruns of Mr Ed.
I am getting better at determening if a fight is worth fighting, a managing conflicts sensibly ( timing, language, setting). My brother is probably the biggest contributor to my CPTSD . I kept in touch over the years out of obligation and fantasy for a bonded relationship. Last year during a family crisis ( my mother was gravely ill) we ware together under one roof. I steped away, I set the line and it distroyed his vitriol. After bringing my mother back to life and health, he initially thanked me, but quickly turned arround and made me a vilan in all sorts of ways. I set the line again and have not heard from him and have not missed him in a year. I pray for him , he is traumatised too.
Today is my first day of being sober. I smoked weed for a year and a half everyday 24/7. Today feels awful. 😢 also 15 days nc from fp. I’ll be turning 25 years old in 10 days. I’ve never felt so lost 😢 I hope I gain confidence and live a better life soon. Thank you god, and please help me ❤😢 thank you for the video. ❤
The Fairy Team is sending you encouragement. Jack@TeamFairy
wow stopping weed and going no contact
Anna, I am overspender on my family and underspender on myself.
So relatable :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
:)
It hurts so good to listen to you. I appreciate that you don't sugar coat things but your not overly mean either. A nice balance of things I need to hear. Ty!
This is Soooo helpful, Fairy!! A tragedy happened in my family in 1991 when I was 17. One would imagine that there has been a huge amount of healing in my family since then... Wrong! We can either BLAME or BLOOM. It is a choice, and we Must make it (as an adult) for Ourselves. God thinks u are worth it, why else would u still be breathing?!
“Is your hair brushed in the back? The back!!!” Feels like a warm hug to hear. Made me smile. 😊
LOL!
Tomorrow I am going out to buy new panties😆
Time to start loving myself!
I watch your videos and cry but not because of sadness, thank you
I have found that doing self positive talk out loud in a mirror has helped a great deal of lowering those negative thoughts or/and negative self-talk. I have even spent time talking to the child in me in front of a mirror again out loud. Giving myself my voice back. Letting my inner child cry and know it wasn't her fault. She just had a mean mommy. She didn't deserve the abuse.
Great video, and I am learning a lot, so thank you. Perfect timing.
It's funny (not ahah funny), but I used to have a huge sheo collection that I started decades ago because it was my thing (I took very good care of them). Living with my mother, she threw away half of them. These were my rewards to myself for meeting my achievements & goals...money I saved up. I'm trying now to rebuild the collection. I realize that I probably sound crazy, but it was & is my thing.
Although I don't put myself down in front of others, I put myself down when alone or with my husband. He says 'Be kind to yourself.' :)
Now that’s a really awesome super-helpful husband!
Dropping w33d was so easy... tobacco on the other hand has been hell to leave, nicotine abstinence is SO much worse, seriously... i get angry, paralysed, can't start work, my adhd gets MAD out of control. It really sucks, i want out of it, but dang it, need to be functional as well. Can't fool myself with just one cig per night, tried that and i relapsed after a week. :( my enviroment even at home is too noisy, i can't focus to write and read or meditate, but i'm trying...
The tobacco companies spent a fortune creating chemical manipulations to insure you won't leave, just like an abusive partner does. You didn't fail to quit, you SUCCEEDED in not smoking for X days. It is true. Just shoot for abstaining 1 or 2 days more nxt time, then a week more nxt time. Like working out, the goal is to do better each time. The chemicals they put in cigarettes are VERY powerful, but you can beat them, take it an hour at a time, then a day at a time and pretty soon, you won't even have to be vigilant about it at all unless you are around a trigger.
@@ChubbyUnicorn thanks, Chubby!! That sounds so good on paper!!
U R 💯✔️
But Dang!!
I'm having the same wrestle...
I just quit four days ago
Quitting cigarettes is brutal and can make you feel extra raw. Have a practice in place to channel that nervous energy bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
The gum really helped me quit 25 years ago. It took 2 years of stopping and starting before it finally took (the gum was what finished the cycle). It was definitely the hardest thing to stop using, and I've used a lot of things to make myself feel better.
Omg underspending I literally walk around in rags an I always think why am I not buying new shoes when I literally need a new pair 🙈 I didn't know this was a thing..
It's a thing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am only a mere couple of minutes into watching this video, yet I already feel compelled to comment. For about the past year, I have only just barely been able to shop, feed, and wash and dry family laundry and dish clean, and kitchen and bathroom sanitize for a family of three (this number includes myself). Taking care of me has taken a horrific step way back into the background. I wouldn't have considered myself an especially vain person in the past, but until recently, regular, basic hygiene practices, taking care of my basic appearance, and getting dressed in normal, clothes (not P.J.'s) everyday was at least, at the top of my priority list. Only just divinely lead to your CZcams channel (I just finished watching your clutter video, then subscribed to your channel, and now lots of your videos are showing up in my recommended list), now, I am further discovering the reason behind my rapid personality decline due to too much unrecognized past trauma building up and recently "exploding" into this current undesirable, self-sabotaging, clutter-bugging, behaviors. Thank you so very, very much for putting this very important, often overlooked, information and perspective out for the whole CZcams world to see; our current medical system NEEDS to accept and integrate spiritual medicine and healing with modern medicine practices! Thank you so very, very much for bringing your light-filled, love-filled experience and insight to all those who were not getting the correct treatment within our current pharmaceutical-led medical system!!! You are a Divine Blessing beyond words, and it only took 52 years to find you, lol!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!😘