Father Wound 101 (Symptoms & Causes) - Terri Cole
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
- Have you ever wondered if your relationship with your father or father figure is normal?
Or maybe you know it wasn’t normal, but you’re not sure how it impacted you and your adult relationships.
If you suspect you have a father wound, this episode is for you. We’re starting with the basics: what a father wound is, the symptoms and causes of father wounds, and why it is painful.
Healing my own father wound has had a profound impact on my life, and I can’t wait to share more about this with you over the next few episodes.
Grab the guide for this episode here: www.terricole.com/father-woun...
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
1:35 - What is a father wound?
4:09 - Why father wounds matter
6:07 - Causes of father wounds
9:43 - Symptoms of a father wound
12:20 - The pain of a father wound
14:21 - Lasting impacts in adulthood
15:08 - There is hope
If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos
• Honoring Complicated F... - Honoring Complicated Feelings on Father's Day
• The Impact of Narcissi... - The Impact of Narcissistic Parents
• The Toxic Impact of Ch... - The Toxic Impact of Childhood Neglect in Adult Relationships
• What is a Father Wound... - What is a Father Wound?
About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
Connect With Me
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
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Resources
Boundary Boss Book: amzn.to/44DZID9
The Boundary Boss Workbook: amzn.to/3Ra7CRU
Insight Timer: insig.ht/cpKnbJB4KDb (I have a bunch of free meditations on here and love this app!)
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I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources.
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#terricoleshow #fatherwound #traumahealing #familydynamics #abusiveparents
Tell me: did any of these symptoms or causes resonate with you? Do you think you have a father wound? To dive even deeper on this, download the guide and answer the question prompts inside: www.terricole.com/father-wound-101-guide AND if you want to dive deeper, join me for a free three-day training series about the father wound: terricole.com/training Begins on May 29th and recordings are available!
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Thank you so much Terri, a topic on both father and mother wound would be a great follow up. It leaves a child to tend to their physical and emotional being all by themselves. Unable to connect, hyper vigilant, withdrawn and controlling are some symptoms.
1000% resonates! It is a very difficult subject for me. I have attachment issues and struggle to trust. Also a member of Adult Children and this fits in very well with that. This work is important to me and I just want to know how I can continue to parent myself and not push real love away. X
@@vivianespina5067 I have a lot of videos on the mother wound (and a course!). This is the first in a series of videos about the father wound, too. I also have a video on the impact of childhood neglect: czcams.com/video/GF_24BNdR2o/video.html
@@methodzactingacademy2293 It can be so hard ❤ I have some ideas on re-parenting in this video: czcams.com/video/PcmeWkZXKB4/video.html It's geared toward having a mother wound but the re-parenting concepts can still be useful!
My father ignored or verbally abused me. Once when I was 12 years I told him I wanted to spend some time with him. He exploded on me and called me a liar. I was so hurt and ashamed I went and hid in my closet. I never came out.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Gertrude ❤️❤️
Having a father in the navy , that was an alcoholic, and treated his kids like cadets …. Yeah I have a father wound 😕. Thank you for this video ! Finally I’m healing ❤
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I had the best father a girl could have ever had. My father wound came as a result of a slowly debilitating illness that took his strength and mobility. I was the youngest of four children, two much older brothers (10 and 14years) and a sister 2 years older. As a very young child, before I could intellectualize what was happening around me, I absorbed the sad energy of his waning strength as a man and my mother's role as a contributing provider when he lost his job. I unconsciously looked to my older brothers for safety, security and attention. They were teenagers doing life where I couldn't go but desperately wanted to. They tolerated me but thought I was a brat and would brush me off when I would follow them around. We had a very loving family and my father did what he could to show us care and attention. I idolized and loved him very much but was so fearful that he would die when I was young. Consequently, all of my significant relationships have reflected my idolization of men who don't see me, get me or in the end, want me. A father's illness can be devastating for a daughter's future relationships, especially because it is not a behavioral choice.
Thank you so much for sharing, and I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
Dear, I had the exact same experience as you 🙏🏼💜 he got aggressive leukemia when I was 19 and died when I was 21 (my mother was abusive,my father a saint) he was the only one I confided in...and I haven't found a man to do that with, they have been as you describe.
I remember i was very calm, quiet kid. my father used to have fights with anyone at job or in the family, then gathering us for physical abuse, either you are part of the problem or not. I remember was 6yo understanding what’s going on, I knew inside this behavior there is a weak person. Last time he hit me it wasn’t my fault. I was coming back from school, then there was a pause for many years, until he hit me in the university, and I was just surprised and I think I smiled or something. Since then he doesn’t even look me in the eye. I don’t hate him or love him. I learnt later he was narcissist and I feel bad for him to never experience the joy of having loved family around him, he is trying to get everyone attention but I think he’s old enough to get any of his tricks to work on any of grandchildren. I’m still single at 36 and I’m a bit afraid this still affecting me, part of me afraid to be with someone like him, the other part I feel I need to fix my life in general before I feel I deserve to have someone with me.
I’m 38 and in the same boat. I had a similar father. I feel your pain. Hugs from a stranger! 😊 -Catherine
I gut you. Talk Therapy Helps Alot & Painting Meditations or Walking Meditations..really helps to let go of energy blocks within the body. Wish you well🎉
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️❤️ I will have a video coming out in two weeks that explores the relationship side a bit more, so you might gain some clarity from that. ❤️
@@CRFSUIGENERIS I appreciate your kindness. hug back.
@@deb2319 I enjoy walking and I love to draw and paint digitally. I'm sure it will help a lot going back to my hobbies and try to focus on my passion again. I appreciate your comment thank you.
Thank you, being raised in an abusive home is a tremendous load on a child. 60yrs later still trying to get rid of it.
It absolutely is a tremendous load that no child is meant to carry. ❤️❤️
WOW! I’ve been telling myself I was a disappointment as a first born girl when it was just my father’s indifference 😢
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
Good day, my father passed away when I was 7. I now realize two marriages later, countless failed relationships. Also dating long distance, other countries, all you said makes so much sense. To note, I was journalling this morning, and then your video appeared. WOW... thank you ☺
I'm so glad my story resonated and helped you connect some dots ❤️
When I say you sent me sideways when you said you believe you were the wrong gender for so long because of the father wound. I can't put into words how validating that was to hear another human being say they experienced that too. Thank you. I just started getting in touch and learning endlessly about stepping onto my femininity and that energy. It blew my mind wow.
I am so glad it was validating for you 💕
I had a sexually abusive father who was also an alcoholic, ragaholic and verbally abusive. I once thought as a child that maybe if I had been born a boy, I wouldn’t have been abused and may have even been cherished because I saw from an early age how boys were treated better and had more opportunities. I used to put my mom on a pedestal and made my dad into the bad guy but my mom didn’t protect me from him even though she knew or had to know what was going on. That’s why I didn’t post anything on Mother’s Day b/c it’s still hard to reconcile that in my mind. So much tragedy resulted in our family later on from my dad’s abuse. How do I deal with the fact that it’s generational? I mean, my dad was abused growing up, his father (my grandfather) was an alcoholic and I suspect it’s gone on for generations. It just seems like a much bigger societal issue going back centuries. It’s why I chose not to have kids. I wanted to put a stop to the cycle of abuse in my family anyway. My ability to earn a living and have a good career has been greatly affected by my father. Thank you so much for your book and videos Terri Cole. ❤🙏👏☀️🌟
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕 Intergenerational trauma is REAL and it can be very difficult to break the cycle. I interviewed Dr. Mariel Buqué about it here: czcams.com/video/RdZgodmJItI/video.html She wrote a book called Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma that I recommend.
Thank you. I appreciate your comments and link. I’ll definitely watch it. ❤
Seen in adults w anger issues verbal or otherwise people see this reaction patterns its over tge top anger sometimes- displaced anger comes out on others.
My dad would have me do chores and I would do a great job. He would always say it’s good but you should have done this or that. I could never get a positive reinforcement from him
So painful ❤️
Thanks for the upload on this topic this resonates with my life with my father he was emotionally not available and he was neglectful when I was a child plus he was also emotionally immature etc . Unfortunately he still denies everything plus he blames my mom for everything he takes no accountiblity . I still feel not good enough or worthless unfortunately all because what I experienced !
I am so sorry to hear that, Mike ❤️ You are worthy just by virtue of being here. But I know it's difficult to work through. I have a separate video on self-worth here: czcams.com/video/Wksa1ulAIOo/video.html
I can relate so much to your experience. The worst part is how they continue to deny any fault and place all of the blame on your mother, life being unfair, etc. I've created as much distance between the two of us as possible in order to re-parent myself, because of the impact both of my parents had on me. I wish you healing and clarity ❤
Thank you for the video! I had two really big realizations while listening. 1. Both of my parents were either too neglectful or too critical, which made the neglect seem better. One was an addict and the other was either uninterested or too interested to the point where I didn’t have an identity of my own, which was really about how they look to the outside world. And 2. Both of my parents were basically abandoned by one or both of their parents. One was sent away early in life to live with a grandparent, while their mother went on to have a new family and the other lost their mother early in life to childbirth and was raised by a tyrannical father. 🤦🏾♀️ Talk about the crappy stars aligning!
Thank you for sharing- those are profound insights ❤️
This confirmed the root of so much dysfunction in my life. Thank you.❤
Thank you for your personal sharing. Adds power to your message. How blessed you are to have a wonderful husband. In many ways I married my father. 😢 He was a terrible father. That marriage ended long ago.
Your timing of this video is perfect for my family. 3 generations family, all suffering from a father wound, were together this Mother’s Day weekend. We all spoke of how we are healing and what we can do to support each other. This video is the perfect accompaniment to the talk we had and I am, once again, so grateful for your channel and books. You have helped my family in so many ways and I am sharing this with them right now! Thank you!
I am so glad you were able to have that discussion together 💕 How amazing! And you're welcome ❤️
My sister just shared this video with me. I am looking forward to reading your book. I have done a lot of work in response to my father wounds. I had a real father that abandoned me after my mother left him and a stepfather that abused me in all the ways possible. Throw in a mother wound on top of that and you have profound wounds that go deep. Yes the symptoms you discussed resonate. I feel though that I have so much untapped potential that I did not achieve unlike you who was driven to succeed to prove yourself. I am 60 now and have done a lot of work but if there is anything energetically I need to heal I am always open to that. You definitely see the impact of the wound and how it played out in my relationships with men. I have learned just like you said that we can grow from these experiences and find the gift that they give us. Thank you for the discussion.💛
Thank you for watching and sharing your experiences (and thank you to your sister who shared this with you!) ❤️
I have a whole series on mother wounds as well, in case you want to check it out: czcams.com/play/PLMaWdZCQtiJ8cIK6K5juupfnQEZSlh7Qk.html
I lost my birthright to my brother because I was born a female and my father literally said I'm leaving the house to your brother because he's going to need it when he gets married but some guy will buy you a house. When we were children My parents split up and I've seen him maybe 10 times in my entire life. He never provided any emotional or financial support for us. My mother had to carry that load and oftentimes we went hungry. It was at my mother's funeral that he told me he was gonna leave the house to my brother because he was a boy and I was not. At that point he wanted desperately to be recognized by my brother,but My brother hated him for what he did to our family. I On the other hand followed him around like a puppy dog Trying to get any love I could from someone who was incapable of giving it. This has affected my entire life with every Man I've ever been involved with !!!! How in God's name do I Heal from this curse that has followed me around my entire life ????
I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Judy ❤️ I am doing a free 3-day training around the father wound and going over some ways we can heal. If you'd like to attend or watch the replays, just sign up here: terricole.com/training
I am wondering if having a father who was not able to deal with my narcissistic mother or protect us from her rages and unreasonable behaviour is also a father eound of sorts? I can see how he was codependant and kind of gave up fighting against her but its a conflicting feeling that he was the nice parent but also weak in a lot of ways.
Yes! If your father enabled a narcissistic mother it can also cause a father wound. Thank you for bringing that up ❤️
❤️how you talk about your awesome husband! So refreshing
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I love you from africa, you're helping me by those valuable informations ❤
I am so glad my videos are helping you ❤️❤️
This really informative.....thanks for sharing.
So glad it was helpful! 💕
Iam so laughing 😂 cause it feels so good that your dad sounds EXACTLY like mine when you talked about the scattering with watching tv. Did you live eith us.Even the dog would leave when he came in a room. I thought it was just him. But thanks for sharing it was common, but still not healthy... or ok to be scared of a parent.
I'm glad you feel seen by my story even though I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone ❤️
Whew! Yes yes 🙌🏼
I was reared to respect my young adult brother who was perceived by my mother as an authority figure for me. While I was a daddy’s girl to my father, he worked long hours and also died just before I became an adult. My brother felt burdened by his absence and was emotionally unpredictable, and would yell at me. You would think a sibling relationship wouldn’t matter as much as the parent, but culture can do that. I believe most of my low self esteem comes from that misappropriation of authority.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️ Sibling violence is absolutely real and can have a huge impact on us.
@@terri_cole 🙏
I was call the B-word by my father in a burst of anger. Is it possible that one event could have given me PTSD? There were other angry outbursts but that’s the one I have never forgotten.
I'm so sorry to hear that 💕 It sounds like it was a significant moment for you and might be worth processing with a therapist if that is accessible to you.
Your channel has been so beneficial to me, I appreicate how you relate your own life experiences to contextualise the issues. I too got into the work of healing from my childhood stuff because I realized I was struggling in this area of love, family and relationships and I just couldn't figure it out. Opening myself up to explore this things is usually scary at first because the hearttbreak can be so daunting.. My father wounds are around fearing my dad when I was growing up and developing perfectionism and a need for control as a way to counter the fear of rejection and abandonment. Also there's alot of anxiety there because of constantly having to be vigilant and being over giving and never letting myself to receive
I'm so glad my videos have been helpful ❤️ Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us, too. The heartbreak can absolutely be daunting!
Thank you for your content, Terri! ❤
However, there is something people don't really mention and I was wondering if you could talk about it (or maybe you did and I missed it). You said many times that healthy relationships are healing for people with father wound. However, I haven't heard to talk about how difficult it is to date someone healthy, at least in the beggining. When you realize you are worthy of love and your partner gives you love, but doesn't give you as much as a perfect dad would. I feel like the acknowledgment of your father not being there is one thing, but then an acknowledgement that your partner whom you love and who loves you will also not be your father figure, is a different thing. Or maybe it's the fact that you never had a healthy love, so it feels weird, and rather than healing, it can feel pretty confusing...
Last year I moved father in with me because he was ill. It became so incredibly clear at that point that I indeed have a father wound and why I ended up in so many dysfunctional relationships. I feel he is still wounding me though, and I am ready to embark on my journey of releasing this. Looking forward to hearing how we can move past the father wound. I’m so done with this pattern.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Rochelle ❤️ While I'll be publishing more videos, I'm also doing a free 3-day training where I'll go over some things we can do to heal. If you're interested you can sign up here: terricole.com/training It's happening May 29, 30, and 31 from 12-1:15 pm Eastern, but recordings will be available!
@@terri_cole Hi, I'm new to your channel. Loved this video (I subbed right away) 😃
I just missed the 3 day training. Where will I be able to find more information on the recording please?
Much needed ❤
So glad it resonated 💕
Thank you, I was waiting for this!
You're so welcome! I'm excited for this series ❤️
Great video - I can relate so much. My father was in the military and should never have had children. He was ‘there’ but emotionally and physically absent, unless he was disciplining me. He has never ever told me that he loves me 😢 We’re now NC along with my narc mother x
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
great video! Love your content
Thank youuu ❤️
THANK YOU!! Your insight, incredible knowledge, and your efforts creating these for us are so very much appreciated! 👏💗🙏
You're so welcome, I'm glad this was helpful! ❤️
This is a Brilliant and Soooo Needed!!!! Thank you!!! So grateful to have discovered you and your offering!!! Thank you for all your work!!!
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Thank you so much Terri…..I really need this, especially from you💕
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Thank you
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This video feels like a message to me.😢❤
So glad it resonated 💕
Hi Terry, I just want to say thank you so much for your work. Your book changed my life and your videos saved my sanity. I now have so much peace within myself and in my familial relationship because of your work. I pray for your continued success.
Love Always,
Dalia
Thank you so much, Dalia 💕 So glad to know my videos and book helped you!
My father is abusive. Im 62. Healing thru it now.
So glad to hear you're healing 💕
My father was completely passive in the face of my mother. She was very controlling and had a very mean mouth on her. We DESPERATELY needed for him to tell her to sit down and be quiet. He never did.
So painful ❤️
This resonates with me
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My father was physically and emotionally absent, I thought when I met my husband, he was the antithesis of my father. As it turns out, he was physically absent much of the time and cheated and lied to me throughout our marriage. And he abandoned me. Guess, I have lots to heal.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion ❤️
I think I really may have a father wound. He was more so physically absent because he was military AND worked, leaving us with my narc mother. Then when he went back to school, she sabotaged it. And he also would come home and change and leave again and she’d leave right away.
Absence can have such a profound impact on us 💕
Snap! 🫂
My father was present but absent. There, but only technically. I'm 41 now and have never had an actual conversation about anything that isn't extremely surface level. I love him, he was never harsh or unkind. He's also a people pleasing doormat to my narc control freak mother. It was only in the last couple years that I realized it wasn't that he necessarily didn't want to be an active parent, it was that my mother didn't allow him to have a say. Exactly the way we kids weren't given a single household chore to do growing up, not because we were coddled brats, but because we could do nothing right by our mother, not even the dishes. Touching her appliances? Absolutely forbidden. Trying to clean up a mess of broken glass? Just get out of the way and let her do it. If there were drops of water in the left side of the sink, we would be called in to answer for it. And that was how she treated my father with the raising of the kids. I wish just once he would have taken a stand when he didn't agree with her. Oh the damage that dynamic caused us all...
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, Tracey. I am witnessing you with compassion 💕
@@terri_cole Wow, thank you so much for your response ❤️
Oh, what an important topic....nop it wasn't normal...way to many boundries transpassed;-) and to much responsability for his happiness/healing on my back....exemplar fawning respons;-)...became a beachvolley champion to prove to him he is worth it-trying to make him feel proud of having such a dauther...ah ah ah...p.s.see you soon on our interview❤;-)🎉
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Hi from Iran
Hello there!
Yay Vic 🎉❤😘
Totally related to all you shared. Due to my father wounds, relationships with males have been so unhealthy.
Still on the journey of overcoming this. Thanks for sharing such informative content.
You are so welcome, I'm glad it resonated 💕
I think most of us older women know if we have a father wound and why we do! I don’t see how filling out a form and reading a book can solve the problem! I went to a few therapists over the years that did not help me , at all, they had no clue! Better Help does not accept insurance and is expensive!
Hi Cathy- I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a good experience with therapists and that BetterHelp is out of reach for you. I am publishing this free series in hopes that it will help folks in your situation. It's not necessarily about "filling out a form and reading a book"- it's about honoring and integrating your childhood experiences, reparenting yourself, connecting the dots, and figuring out how having an unhealed father wound is still impacting your life and how to change it.
Quite a few women in my crew did not realize they had a father wound until I began speaking about it as it still isn't that well known, and I'm just trying to raise awareness. Good on you that you're already aware of yours and trying to heal. I wish you all the best. ❤️
I was a daddy’s girl until I became a teenager and then my mother turned him against me.
I am so sorry to hear that, Sharon 💕
My dad was a lovely man, but not home much due to work commitments.
So mum was the main carer, she weidled a lot of control, maybe narcissistic, regardless, I had a different relationship with my mum (adopted mother) no real bond/attachment/ she had her own unsolved issues I guess.
I loved my dad (adopted dad) but he was not home much .
I was adopted at age 7 weeks to older parents, comfortable home, financially secure etc
It’s hard to find abuse in my childhood, I had an older adopted sibling (not biological)
who was the princess child, dad had long work hours, and my adopted mum was the matriarch of the home.
I left home at 17 and never returned.
I’m twice divorced, 4 children, totally estranged from my 3 oldest children (23 years no contact) their choice. I was a chronic alcoholic, and damaged my own children because of my childhood wounds.
Thank you Terri for your support and valuable insights.
So glad to hear your healing path led you to find Vic ❤
You're so welcome, Maria. Thank you for sharing your experience ❤️ Absence and neglect can cause so much pain. Abuse doesn't always need to be present for there to be wounds.
My father was Pissed that we were Girls. 3 of us. Hated his younger brother because he had 3 boys.
I hardly remember any interaction with him. What I do remember is his physical abuse of my Mother, his cheating on her.
It was my Mother that scared me of my father by saying...Wait til your Father gets home; never once do I recall him husting us. Just non present as far as us girls were concerned.
The men in my adult life; Cheaters and Emotionally unavailable.
I am witnessing you with compassion, Kathie 💕
Father was emotionally abusive when he was home. My mother was emotionally and physically abusive. Afraid of both parents.
That is terrible! Being afraid of both parents when they are supposed to be protecting you and giving you a safe environment! I hope you have found some healing!
I am so sorry to hear that, Elaine, and I am sending love ❤️
I have a major Father Wound related to my dads BPD like symoptoms. (I know BPD is pretty uncommon in men which makes me feel all the more alone in this). I cannot trust men at all or get close to them. i'm always waiting for them to snap.
I feel you 💕
@@terri_cole thanks. I appreciate that.
Hey Terri, really nice video ! I was wondering if I could help you with Best Quality Editing in your videos better than your Editor with good pricing and also make a highly engaging Thumbnail which will help your videos to reach to a wider audience ? Pls let me know what do you think ?
I have every wound going....Mother the Narc / Father working his arse off for mothers house.....
Raped by my cousin.....done FA!....
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️
13:35 min If your father had seen you become incredibly successful, he may have noticed you, BUT he may have reacted in jealous manner.
No , my Father did not cate much to his childrens thoughts or how they thought.
I'm so sorry to hear that, I know how painful it is ❤
@@terri_cole . I'm over it, I know he had demons. I felt sorry for my Mother. 8 children in 10 years. She was exasperated enough to have such a hateful miserable cheating husband. We had to walk on eggshells. You can imagine the legacy he left
My dad was so chaotic that it can be abusive. I dont know why
I am witnessing you with compassion, Carla ❤️
@@terri_cole ty Terri. Im still with them and go to therapy with one(mom) even after everything.
No ,I don’t have any father wound, my dad Ram Yatan Singh was always loving,caring towards me ,he guarded, cared me from kid stage to college then he married me of, I have only mother wound 😢who didn’t cared at all,
I am so sorry to hear you had an uncaring mother ❤️
My father was killed when I was 4 1/2 so fml
I am witnessing you with so much compassion 💕
Thank you Terri. Your words touched me so much. I basically stay away from men altogether. I don’t know what it is to be taken care of by a man, I feel unsafe.