Why Narcissists Want Children - Yet Scar Them For Life. Expert on Narcissism Explains
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- čas přidán 15. 07. 2021
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When becoming a parent, Pathological Narcissists construct a fictional repackaging of their life so that their childhood attachment trauma and the resulting permanent core-shame can be replaced with self-serving feel-good illusion. Such is the “Good Parent Fantasy, which consists of a distorted and untrue life story that recasts them as a victim-turned hero. This fantasy or delusion create psychological distance from their malignant feelings of being fundamentally inadequate or broken.
These delusional narcissists mistakenly believe their child will finally give them the love, appreciation, and validation that so desperately sought, but, could never manifest. The “fantasy” and the delusion/illusion of being a good parent, saves them from unfathomable emotional pain, while destroying their children’s dreams of being unconditionally loved, respected, and cared for.
For the child who is destined to become an adult Self-Love Deficient (my term for “codependent), their real-life story becomes subsumed by their unfathomably selfish narcissistic parent. Programming the child with the parent’s own selfish narrative is not only a form of gaslighting , but also another pathological brick in a wall that blocks the child from ever experiencing self-love-the antithesis of codependency.
ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is a globally renowned psychotherapist, educator, expert witness and testimony provider. He is considered an expert with Self-Love Deficit Disorder™ (codependency), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse, trauma/PTSD, and his "Codependency Cure/Self-Love Recovery Treatment Program. Ross is the creator, CEO, and primary content creator for his Self-Love Recovery Institute company.
Ross is a highly sought after keynote speaker and educator who has presented in over 30 (USA) States and internationally. He's been featured nationally on national TV, podcasts and radio. His “The Human Magnet Syndrome” books has sold over 125K copies which has been translated into 10 languages. His CZcams Channel has amassed 20 million video views and 220K subscribers.
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I’m a survivor of two narcissistic parents. I never had anywhere to turn for help. These people are evil and caused me an entire lifetime of pain and trauma. They drove my poor brother to suicide.
My god, that's terrible! I also had a serious suicide attempt but survived. My heart goes out to you. My life had been a living hell.
@@vanessas2363 I’m sorry that you’ve been having a difficult time. My heartfelt condolences to you.
I realise tonight that we need to fall in love with ourselves and cherish ourselves with great kindness. That’s the answer.
Thanks for your caring message. 🥰❤️
@@1DaTJo thank you. That's exactly it. Something I battle with daily. We must keep trying. Take care 😊❤
"Two narcissistic parents" caught my eye -same here. I can empathize tremendously with your pain. We should have never been alone or felt like there was something wrong with us. We are not alone now. ❤
@Serendipity ❤️ thank you
It dawned on me one that my Mom didn't have her kids so she could love us.
She had us so we could love her.
And no doubt you were told how to love as well.
I love your reply. that fits in so well with how my mother was as well.
Yep and my mom even told me that to my face. I was like wait...isn't it suppose to be the other way around? Commence the achieving my way into my mother's heart. Not anymore! It never ends well, we aren't speaking anymore
From the time I was very little my mom would ask me, "How much do you love me?" And I would spread arms all the way around in a 360 and say "Thiiiiisss much!" She'd show me off doing this little trick so proudly. But she never said she loved me that much too. Zero reciprocity.
You just made me realize a terrible truth about my parents 😔😔😔
The Narcissistic mother is jealous and envious of her daughter and sees her as her competition. This scars the daughter tremendously.
Yes my mother has told me she is envious of me. That's scary. Someone whom is envious of somebody either they become jealous and/or devious real quick against u. That's never a good thing when it's your mother..
That’s true for me. My mother is in direct competition with me - she has co-opted my friendships, and constantly brags about how popular she is, how sought after her wisdom, how requested her spiritual talks. I feel she wants to eliminate me.
Don't forget also the mother who is soooo proud of her daughter's accomplishments, but only because she sees those accomplishments as a positive reflection on her underneath the pride she is jealous as f**k
Yes
What happens when the Narc mom outlives her daughter with Cancer?
Narcissists have zero emotional empathy, therefore they CANNOT love. They may think they can, but it is just a temporary infatuation.
Absolutely. They are incapable of authentic (unconditional) love and they don't have empathy, they can only fake it.
Totally agree!! It's just cold empathy.
Masters at feigning it though! Wow!
No words align with actions. Zero.
Ppl miss that because of their high impression management skills.
100000% true
Yeah, after 15 years I realized he didn't love me.
Because NOBODY ELSE WHO IS SANE could stand being around the narcissist. Only an infant that you poison mentally and emotionally could stand to be around that narcissist.
An infant has no choice
My narc mother has an ability to attract lots of people around her but she can only sustain the facade for a few hours.
Fully agree.
@@1DaTJothe Marc in my life… she can wear the mask and play her part for a very long time… but eventually it skips but not before she leaves a trail of destruction behind her…😢
I already know. As a child of a narcissist,, they use their children to gain status. That is the only reason, they just want you to "perform" for their friends and family and to show that they are perfect and then they MUST be perfect too. If you DO NOT perform for them, you are DONE!
Bingo
Yes, narcs wants they child make good publicity for them,
be nice entrance for them.
Yup, but you do have to realise you are the second (most amazing, most intelligent, most creative, most beautiful etc) and they are the first! The one you got it from, the one that taught you, the one that shaped you.
But the moment you find your own voice you are done, you have spoiled everything, everything you say is wrong and in general you are a terrible person. Until they need you again to look good and the whole cycle repeats itself.
they also use children to generate income, get divorce-bountys, passports of foreign countries etc.
No, if you don’t perform for them you’re saved. Beaten up outside sure but saved inside.
They want a programmable source of supply that can can't leave or fight back. Children are considered possessions and their job is to serve the narcissist for their entire life, like the goose that lays golden eggs.
I met this toxic narc that was basically a divorcee runaway from a foreign country that came to America to help with money laundering for org .Crime (some stupid mafia shit that allowed her to get extra money in her home country).
She did this because she wanted to start a new life in America having been exhausted from years of being in a love-less marriage and/or because she was desperate enough for money that this legally questionable job venture opportunity was necessary for her to take.
Probably both in my opinion.
Sad thing is though she has a teenage son in her home country. But don't worry, she pays the kid's rent! So it's okay that she isn't an involved parent!
Only sees her kid during the summers for 2 weeks. And the deadbeat dad only sees the kid for an hour or less when he does visit.
I know I'm being judgemental, but whatever the hell that woman is doing in America, it's more important to her than her being with her son in her home country.
Parents that are desperate for money find ways TO STAY IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS THEIR KIDS(YOU KNOW SO THEY CAN ACTUALLY BE PARENTS), especially the mom.
This isn't a woman that has no family, she came from a wealthy family and has parents and siblings (they seem to be the ones that check up on the kid mostly).
Extra sad thing is that during the woman's whole marriage, the home life was cold and lacking warmth and basically a shitty childhood for the kid.
After years of neglect and toxicity with the kids father, the little youngster gets the pleasure of having the only somewhat positive adult in his life leave to another country to relive her youth as a rebel...
This woman(as you guessed it also super hot and amazing in bed...)is super selfish, narcissist, unreciprocating, and very likely views her kid as a little mini-clone that she will stay close to for life but won't ever actually put first.
I feel sad for that kid.
The mom thinks that her son is mature enough to take care of himself when she still acts immature in so many ways.
I know I seem like I'm ranting like a madman, but it's because I stupidly ignored so many red flags with this woman and nearly got her pregnant....
Don't mess with single mothers or divorced women!
IF YOU WANT TO MESS AROUND WITH A DIVORCED WOMAN', ask when she got married and when she got divorced, and ask if there was a time that she knew she wanted to get divorced but chose to wait until a later time.
Super revealing the answers will be!
Thank you Yoda for making me end on a humourous note!
Yep. I finally walked away at 46, after repeatedly catching Mom lying about me to her friends at her favorite bar. I simply left it up to her maintain our relationship, which she had never done. It took her five months to figure out I wasn't communicating. Though she enjoyed many invitations to visit me and my family, over the 25 years of my marriage, she never accepted a single one, never called, never visited. Yet, she had the gall to tell her friends that I "abandoned" her. SMH!
Let's not forget that the narcissist's children are born to worship them by default, because they are "divine gods"! It is so ridiculous.
It’s fusion. Zero boundaries.
and I made it worse
My younger son, the middle child, was the lesser child to ex. I talked up dad and allowed him to insult my family of origin (I thought the same) . My family helped support us, school, health care, but my dad allegedly did it because he was rich, not caring. Although of course ex said he was loved. After 31 years, I left with another man. Honestly, I was pushed ..he attacked me verbally the night before, hiding in shadows. I missed Thanksgiving. My son
hugged me at my father's
funeral and talked about the last 3 years of his life...Well, he is back to not speaking to me.since November 2018.
They are fully conscious that they are just the opposite.
When these demons have children they can only do what demons do, turn everything upside down. Us survivors spend the rest off our life’s lives trying too turn it right side up . God bless all narcissist survivors we deserve happiness. 🤚
Amen 🙏🏻
I think they just enjoy having an innocent child to abuse & blame for their own unhappiness & shitty life. I was never allowed to be happy. If I was even slightly happy, they made sure to wipe that smile right off my face. Mentally, emotionally & physically abusive. Anybody can breed & that is the problem.
Snapppp
Fully agree. If someone was abused by a parent they will abuse their own children. The number who *don’t* abuse their children is statistically irrelevant. That person will abuse their children perhaps slightly differently and claim they don’t abuse. You will see it in comments sections like this one constantly. Consider *not having children.* Children will not make a relationships better. You can have an awesome, fulfilling life without reproducing. My brother & I both made this choice & we’re so glad we did.
It's bad enough to have one narcissistic parent but having both parents as narcissists is a total mind F*#k.
It sure is
And people who have no idea whatsoever, can't understand why we have a hard time believing there is any kind of justice in this world.
Even worse than having 2 narcissist parents is also having narcissist siblings also 😢
@@winning3329 For sure. I went NO CONTACT from my entire family of origin over 20 years ago. I’m the oldest of 7. God bless you.
@@wolflarsen941 💯
remember people, you went thru hell and came out kicking. you are the salt of the earth, and thats why the narcissist fears you, and preys on you. realize your potential and stop being a victim. its a damn blessing to have such a strong backbone, and you had the best strength training in the world. rise up like the fucking pheonix out of the ashes, and take your power back. it was always yours!!!!!⚡⚡⚡
Wow! Powerful affirmation!
Thanks!!!
They hate the light 💡 that is within Us !
Thank you, I did just that
You can't help people who want help themselves full stop.
I like that. 👍
You get a mini-version of yourself who is obliged by law to listen to you and do whatever you tell them to for at least 1.5 decades. And if you ruin them enough so that they can't live on their own - you get to keep a whole living person for yourself for the rest of your life (or until they hang themselves in the closet). What's not to want for a narcissist?
Dang!
😭
This is my older brother...he was mean to his kids but they worship the ground he walks on.... it's baffling.
@@maryjankowski9032 well of course they do, that's the danger of the narcissists and psychopaths - they can convince people that they are the greatest person in the world, that's how they get their "flying monkeys", and if you are conditioned from the childhood to believe something - that's the strongest conditioning there ever can be, people spend years and years reconditioning their childhood indoctrinations, like if they were raised in a cult or in a disfunctional family where abuse took place which they have internalized, or in a dictatorship country or something as awful. The father figure is one of the strongest most central kernels that hold our personality together, and if it demands worship then your whole personality becomes a shrine to that kernel.
My Female Borderline Birth Mother was a rageful homicidal lunatic 45 years ago. That was her conflict management style for 19 Damn years. I'm surprised no one sent her to an insane asylum or prison.
Someone did call CPS on her at one point when I was about 13 years old. (51A/ CINS) Good! She needed it.
They really didn't punish her at all. 😔
Covert Female Narcissists can fool most anyone, especially when they look like a model. In a superficial society, like America, 300 million people believe that if it glitters it must be gold. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Any Narcicistic mother who would tell her only child, who was the Scapegoat,
"I brought in in this world and I'll take you out," with a steak knife in her hand, needed to been in a Fucking Psychiatric Hospital for a lifetime.
That type of terror was going on weekly from about age 3-15. Then the Psychological, Emotional and Verbal abuse got even more covert.
It still continued unabated until
19 when I left. How did I make it out sane? You got me.
No one ever talks about the Violent Maternal Preditors in America. I hope the PhDs start to raise awareness because it is VERY REAL. There are millions of silent male survivors all across the country who have been Abused by their:
Birth Mothers
Aunts
Cousins
Caregivers
Babysitters
Neighbors
Organist
Choir Directors
CCD Teachers
Men just do not talk about it because no one believes that females can be Sexual Preditors to Grammar School Boys. It happens everyday in America especially by the Borderline Females who appear Flawlessly put together.
No, I will not mention their names now.
I will say this, the international
pen is mightier than
the sword. More WILL be revealed. Peace.
Speak up for us Clinical Psychologists, LCSWs an Psychotherapists because everyone else is to scared to touch this subject.
Remember this phrase:
BOYS TOO.
Here's the best part. Every time she walked out side in public she looked flawless. She was visually stunning.
No one ever knew that beneath her mask lived a Explosive Vindictive Female Sexual preditor who tormented and violated her only son for 19 years.
They see a child as a narcissistic supply factory.
PEOPLE NEED TO GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST BEFORE THEY HAVE CHILDREN!!!!!!
Some psychiatrists are narcs...they will diagnose you as the narc & try to lock you up...Be Careful
@Krishna Patel Hire Ross Rosenberg or one of his staff members.😊Dr. Ramani, Dr. Les Carter, Vital Minds Psychology(Australia), Kris Godinez, Dr. Carmen Bryant, Dr. Judy WTF(what the Freud). Sending you healing💕💕💕
@brokenupbeat I understand.
@@taffylove6193 right!! Too many providers are not well informed about this insidious disorder. These narcs have therapists eating out of their hands!! That's why the professionals in this subject matter do not suggest going to therapy with a narcissist!
lol! no way.
My mother was a beautiful blue-eyed blonde. My father was brunette with hazel eyes. I was born with my father's coloring. One of the first things I remember my mother saying about me as an infant was," I was so disappointed when I saw you. I thought you were going to look just like me." It escalated to "you're just like your father," who she grew contemptuous of as years went on.
I never did leave her, although I tried. I even moved 3,000 miles away, but she packed her bags and followed me. I gave up and stayed with her until the moment she died. I consider that moment my time of birth. Finally physically free of her. But even after 12 years of therapy she sometimes haunts my peace of mind. I guess if we are born to a narcissist we forever wonder what dreadful bad luck had befallen us.
Nice story, were you an only child? I assume so because if you weren’t she’d probably have followed the other sibling thus attaching to their favorite child.
@@vs4571weird way to word your question.
It's not bad luck its demonic.
Same. Hoping my mother's death comes soon so her curse can be lifted.
I’m so sorry u had to suffer this May Jesus heal u now❤️🩹
The "child" is their crutch, without whom their white wash fades and their lies are much more easily exposed. Having an emotionally crippled "child" = a human shield for the rest of their life.
So my husband of 21 years is a pathological and covert narcissist.... I live in pure hell... obviously I have co-dependent issues and this is what kept me in this hell for so long.
He is absolutely oblivious to his behavior... I cannot help him, I only defend my very being (because this is what he threatens). There is absolutely NO help for him... except the Lord Jesus Christ ... Only in praying for him have I ever seen any behavior changes at all. So I will keep loving him... he is a child of God. And it sure helps to know the root of why he is the way he is. I will continue unconditional love for him and keep praying for him. Jesus Christ is all any of us have to combat the evils in our society... greater is He (Jesus) that is in us than he that is in this world.
So wrong!
Someone to blame , accuse, hold responsible for unhappiness.
So painful for the victims but so true!!! 👌
@@kathymravintz9218so Jesus told you to be a doormat for your husband? Stop defending yourself and turn your back on his evil behavior. You're feeding the beast every time you engage his abuse. Stop playing his cruel games. Your goodness will not heal him.
I'm 34 and my narc mother probably one worst narcs you can find. I feel lucky to be alive.
Get away and stay away. It will save your sanity and your life. My mother (narc) threw me out of the house when I was 20, and it was the 2nd best thing that she ever did for me. They are products of how they were raised, of course, but that doesn't help when they are trying to destroy you. She will never change...they get worse and worse.
For me, it’s my brother. He tried to get me to kill myself after my husband had just killed himself. My husband was being abused by his dad while I was being abused by no bro
God bless you
You are lucky to be alive.
My narc mom is literally on her death bed and is trying to control cancer. She has lost control of everything else and is now trying to do the impossible by controlling the uncontrollable. I haven't spoken to her since she called me doomand gloom for trying to prepare her for the treatment process(i am a caregiver, is what i do) but she tells me it's treating her soul out and all i say is soon and gloom. She is absolute atrocious! She is evil, vile and will end up dying alone. But that is her choice. Narcs make their own choices, we don't have to be any part of it tho!
Narcissist want to have a child, in order to feel good about life, the poor child feel so bad without knowing the reasons, because every child believes their parents love them……
Reason #1: When you have a kid, your spouse can’t leave you. The narc can now drop the mask. If the spouse leaves anyway, it’s VERY easy to use that to destroy him/her.
It's horrible what they do to their children emotionally. 😢
For supply? Narcissists view their children as extensions of themselves. Scarring them hurts their other parent, thus providing them even more supply in return
Thats why its best to remove your child from the entanglement sparing your childs mental and emotional health...its better to have 1 sane parent than a toxic environment with two parents
@@kristathompson2060 , amen to that!!!
@@kristathompson2060 but the law wouldnt let me. They are over 15 and they chose him. It is a pity I
knew the truth about him too late! They are his enablers. He uses them to hurt me
@@daniellatan9016 sorry to hear, unfortunately it does sound like that they are trapped in the web of their fathers lies and deception.. this law, this babylonian law also enables the narcissist and promotes narcissism because alot of these big wigs are narcs themselves...i also have experienced this and i lost my son when he was 6 months after his narcissistic father kidnapped him on contact...and didn't bring him back ..the mistake was me putting his name on the birth certificate and let him have contact, i fought in court but was never able to get custody only contact and the narcissist stop that as soon as the deliberationwas made ..i had to make the decisionto leave him behind and starta new life ...it was either that or die trying to get my son back which any mother would but with a narcissist its literally hell it was making me sick, mistakes are made but we know now how to handle it.
@@kristathompson2060 i am sorry to hear about your son; my mistake was not to leave him earlier taking my children with me. But i was an SLD, groomed to believe i wasnt worthy. I have to let go of my adult children too. Like me growing up with a narcissistic father, they need to learn as well. Hope they will learn sooner rather than later
Im 26 years old pregnant with my second child, i finally went no contact. Best decision i ever made
Trust your instincts.
Congratulations on your family, may you find peace in their love. ❤️
My narc mother had children to take care of her in her old age. My older sister commited suicide because she could never please my narc mother. (only 2 of us) I had her come visit me & realized the damage she did to me as a child was all coming up with her ruthless comments to me that degraded me. I had spent years putting humpty dumpty together again & she was undoing 45 years of work I had done to break free of her inhumanity. So, I could not live through that again, or I too would have ended up like my sister. I could not let her control my self image.
Good for you Johanna! Love and care for yourself ❤💯👍🏼 You deserve goodness and are so worthy of it. I am so sorry about the loss of your sister. Peace and joy into you. It's sad that hurting people (your bio mother) can choose to intentionally hurt others. I'm sorry for everything you have had to endure. 😭
❤❤❤❤
I have had suicidal thoughts because of my mother, I still have it sometimes. For me it’s because all of
The abuse and she never saw me, the pain is unbearable.
@@florencia2771 I'm the same just went no contact for the fiftieth time. My sister too died by suicide which now that I'm older Im thinking it had more to do with how my mother treated her growing up that led to a lot of her issues.
This whole thread is one of the roughest I have ever read, absolutely hit home. Your comment reminded me why I left the seacoast for snow country. I knew deep in my heart, my messed up parents couldn't follow me there. Later, it was 3 states away. Which works, at least on the physical level, but mom discovered cyberbullying in the 90's, so I discovered the spam button!
Thank you everybody for posting, i might need a couple days break to recover from it, tho.
I am so sorry for what you and your late sister went through. I am in tears. Sending you all my love, prayers and healing. 😢💕🙏
watching narcissistic suburban parents while I was growing up, I noticed that they loved to put tons and tons of energy and money into their children, and then compare their kids to other people’s kids. It’s supply. Look how perfect I am!
Yup, spending money on their kid but no true quality time. Living vicariously and competing
No one truly comprehends the facade you're painting. That's actually the disconnect that makes up the living nightmare of having a narcissist parent or both..... you SEE all this showering of gifts on their children to show off, and you already recognize its an act, but in no way would you imagine, in private when no one else is watching, each one of those kids, is being punished in a unique way to each kid, for the parents having to "Do so much for their kids" (meaning the expense and effort of the public display, insinuating that this was an enormous effort, and above and beyond what each one of those children "Deserves") the parents will likely take back, donate, or even destroy the gifts that everyone saw them give their kids in public because they are now jealous of the attention the kids got, in relation to the 'admiration' the parents got when everyone saw them shower the kids with gifts. Because the parents didn't just want everyone to see how great they are as parents, but they want the rest of the community to hate their kids, and not believe them when they try to tell anyone who will listen to the children about how abusive the parents really are.....
The whole "public perception" of a narcissist parent is intended to iligitimize any "truth" the children might tell others, it's their alibi to go back to and show how much they spoil their kids, if they're complaining, it's just because they're unappreciative and spoiled.
@@wolflarsen941 I feel like you described my life as though you witnessed every abusive, scornful, resentful thing my mother would heap on me daily as I did my best to perform the activities from her unfulfilled childhood desires. The verbal abuse usually happened trapped alone in the car, on the way from whatever lesson I had that day of the week. The chorus was always the same "waste of her time and money, you never try hard enough; practice hard enough; work hard enough, so-and-so works harder, practices more etc, you are lazy, you don't appreciate, if only you were more like someone else" (implying she could tolerate, accept, or maybe love me if I wasn't me).
Her other favourite refrain: no one's ever going to like you if....(insert whatever natural trait she was trying to punish me for having that day).
She gossip-complained to anyone who would listen that she was so hard done by for having to raise me, thereby alienating me from any possible support. Meanwhile my brother was the golden child, even though there was nothing special about him.
My father was the reverse. He bullied my brother who was a whiny momma's boy, and favoured me which dipped a bit when I had to rebel against the scorn in my early teens, in order to protect my right to exist.
@Nicole C I'm sorry you had to live with that. My mother simply turned my father against me, and fabricated a narrative so that she could keep me locked in a closet while he wasn't at home and no one would listen to me because I was "sick" and "making up stories" so no one would find out how abusive she was, and even if they suspected, it was justified because I was "just a bad kid". My father became her enabler, and she would manipulate him to beat me half to death, when she couldn't break me herself from trying to tell the truth about her, and she used my father as the excuse to say he was worse and of course the man always gets the blame over a woman, especially when it's a child abuse situation. I was shipped off to boarding school at 12 because my parents were toxic, but my mother couldn't accept that answer, and decided that it was because I was a bad kid and I was there to be punished, thus making my education career, something that I refused to engage in because it would justify her argument and give her what she wanted. Furthermore this cased my father to perpetuate and enable his adopted daughter to become a narcissist as well, and she actually has my developmentally challenged brother as her permanent supply, but this normalized the narcissistic behaviors and abuses to the point where my father was completely blind to it and could not see a woman abusing a man, even himself.
My father passed in 2017, and my family (his legacy) is being even further destroyed, by the 3Rd narcissistic woman he married, and at least the 5th he felt committed to in life ( add my sister and his own sister) the poor man was doomed, and now I need to do anything I possibly can to recover SOMETHING from his last 2 wives that he worked his whole life to build for his children, that these women just decided was theirs and they were completely entitled to.
Fk all narcs!!!!!! May they rot in the deepest levels of hell for eternity, at 1/16 time.
@@wolflarsen941 GOD BLESS U! I'm so sorry for the pain u were put through & had to endure. U are so strong & if u can survive that, then everything else u can handle. Keep watching these types of videos which have helped me & if possible a therapist that specializes in trauma. U are stronger than u think!
Omg this defines my mother. She rejected me at 2 because I refused to be her baby doll . I hated dresses I preferred my brothers hand me down jeans and playing with him and his friends she has never changed and favored my brother and ignored my sister . God raised me and has helped get whole and happy
♡ ☆ ♡
I was and am still a tomboy and I had the opposite with my kids I always put jeans on the younger one and she runs to wear skirts and dresses lol
Me too!
In my family, my narc dad wanted us as slaves to work for the rest of our lives in his deli. He dissuaded us from pursuing any other career choice by telling us we were too stupid to go to college. Funny bc he only finished 9th grade.
What's the situation now ?
I had a father who wanted us out working instead of being in school. My mother was no better. The fact is 7 of my siblings got degrees from fighting for what they wanted and my mother tried so much to sabotage their efforts and mine.
Both my parents were very selfish.
My mother was a complete covert narcissist who was a bully and had her scapegoats. She totally abused them
One scapegoat got a masters degree.
My brother who was so badly abused by my mother turned out to be a veterinarian but later committed suicide.
The abuse and the jealousy of selfish parents is so cruel.
Narcissists are are very evil
Ya, those are word curses 😳
Maybe the child was a mistake after a brief liaison.
I know a narc with one child who apparently is well cared for.
She told me she wanted a baby so I asked her to tell me why. The explanations had nothing to do with me. In fact I never came up in any of the reasons she wanted a baby. It was all about her and her existing 12 year old son. I told her no way I was having a child with her. I recently divorced her. She is now the ex-strife. I went no contact. Day 21!!!
Good for you! Thank you for sparing that child a traumatic childhood!
My ex said she didn’t want kids but would have them for me...I told her that was not going to work. Kids are a ton of work. I knew she would become resentful and I would be permanently to blame because I was the one that she sacrificed everything for to give me children. It took me 4 times, but I finally got away. Had to move out of state.
what a smart man you are! you spared that child a lifetime of pain kudos! now u can have a child w/ a decent person
Keep no contact brother. Stay away... these bitches will destroy your life and the kid you’ll have. Stay the fuck away from her
@@emilkadd I am. Day 25 no contact
I'm thankful that I've had the insight that I am not capable of being an attentive enough parent to have a healthy human child.
I've been called selfish for not wanting children since before my reproductive age. The truth is that I've dreamed about having babies, but I've know that I can't provide the emotional connection that they need.
I'm stuck being an adult child, trying to figure out how to function in the world. I have to be a parent to myself.
Good for you to have insight and not have children.
You need to get yourself some pets so that you have someone to love. Like yourself I've always known that I'm just too screwed up to be a good mother or a good wife even and decided just to be an 'adult child' have lots of single fun and have lots and lots of cats to play with. I have never ever regretted my decision for one nano second - I know I did the right as I know for a fact if I had given birth and kept that poor baby it would have ended badly - I'm just too messed up - messed up by my past - (as a bonus my stomach muscles are just as they were when I was 16) now 68
@@ChickpeatheTortie At a preteen age, I knew that I'd never have any tolerance for children, having witnessed how my schoolteacher mother was driven to exhaustion and rage, which she so often brought home to me and my younger brother. Happy all my life to be child-free, I've been devoted over decades, to my series of beloved pets.
I have similar story,
After parental abuse i scared having wife and children.
I might go with that in reality, but my mind was too scared.
The whole relationship thing seemed as a problem,
triggering past memories.
With such insight on why not to have children, many people might be able to be a teacher, mentor, "aunt" or simply a kind person to children around them for small amounts of time, as long as they enjoy it. Children are so happy to have bonus people who adore them. A lot of children have a need for more attention, knowledge, stories and love than they get from those considered enough. Some even grow up in these types of abusive homes without many knowing it - we might want to take notice and be compassionate, even with a smile or saying hello.
Their cruelty gives them a little surge of power, destruction of innocence is what defines these people. No child is safe in these families, children are treated like garbage
My adoptive mother wanted the title of mother, to make herself look good. It made her look normal. She had borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm adopted as well. My adopted mother is horrendous. She is abusive, controlling and has totally gotten inside my head. How do I get out
If a narc mother wants have a "perfect blue eyes" child, brown eyes child becomes a scapegoat. Narc mother sees the child as a unwanted burden she has to feed, spend her money on, can not get rid of child because of all the financial benefits etc..
Of course all around feel sorry for that "poor single mother" who has to be so strong and work so hard etc....
She will create children as :
* to look normal - and be In a Generational trend (* all her friends got kids - so it is Time to follow)
* to Guerilla penetrate
into someone's Life / property and bank account + by guerrilla pregnancy...
* a hook to keep attached to a naive and blinded victim and
his Resources... Almost like a Harpoon ... or in the Air Refueling system ,
* a source of Income and Social status for at least 20 years ...
* as a source of friendships - to use child to get easy access
to Friends at The School parking lot... (other parents)
* - to cure loneliness - and put a child in a position of a coParenet and send a real partner
OUT into the Real world - to be a "Man" (* useful Tool),
to provide Resources
for their crazy Happiness
and Diva Stage production,
etc etc ... Their dark creativity is endless. If we only knew how Crazy all this is, and was,
behind
a Charming smiles and flirting Eyes ... sex and City ... 🤯🤯😵
As a child of 2 narcissistic parents and the mother of two sons whose father is diagnosed ASPD/NPD. I think narcissists have children because it is one thing to check off the list of what successful and envied people do. To not have children would imply that something was wrong with them or they were less than in some way not too different from how they'd feel about not owning their home or having a prestigious career or education. They lack everything that is required to be even a good enough parent and the impact can be devastating.
That makes total sense. Everything my mother did, was for outward appearence; never for family quality.
GOOD Point
This makes perfect sense. Thank you.
Hermosa
My narcissist mother-in-law went and adopted a bunch of kids after her own kids got old enough to be mad at her. She has no maternal instincts. She is mean and angry. I feel so bad for those kids.
Mine wanted to be a foster parent and she's horrible. Screams at the kid, tells the teen she's a hypochondriac, pops a screen in front of the youngest, it's like why? Her eldest is a racist alcoholic, I'm mentally ill and so much of it is from trying to get away from her and getting SA from another narcissist.
@@somerandomperson5521 i am so sorry. These kinds of people are a menace to society!!!
@@somerandomperson5521 check out “crappy childhood fairy” on youtube. She has really helped me. After that check out mel robbins. They both are why the internet was invented ; to help us be better humans. Peace & Love
@@parklady4233 thank you, I definitely will
Oh my gosh
To use like a racehorse - to collect awards it won, take credit, and then discard.Edited in: This was my guess right after the video was announced to show later. This video goes in-depth on their deeply ingrained motivations, and I think all therapists should know this.
Or in the case of children being used by them too like stamps too belonging only in their own alone stamp collection.
@Krishna Patel
I always felt like a horse. A human doing. I had to study hard and do more and more and more. So I can get validation from my dad.
@Krishna Patel at least you have courage to say that, most of the other know but afraid to even accept instead they deny and curse the rest of world.
@Krishna Patel I've heard other people of Asian cultures discribe similar about their experience with communal coersion and gaslighting. I can only imagine how overwhelming the feelings of being smothered, crushed, imprisoned, isolated and resentful. It is so much harder to rise above entrenched toxic mores in society, when believing in yourself must necessarily endure the terrible burden of acknowledging that the pervasive injustice, cruelty and riteous hypocracy in this world starts right at home in our own families and communities. I am so proud of you for having the strength to speak your truth. Your accounts are more than personal catharsis; they help others learn, connect and heal. Thank you for reaching out
I have C-PTSD from two narcissist parents, emotionally fragile and it's now made me ill with an immune disorder. She made me hate myself. I don't know how many times I've said I feel invisible. To further torture her children she says she's a stoic and incapable of emotions. My childhood is no CandyLand. She treated me like Cinderella.
Therapy 30 years go
@@derekf9017 glad that worked for you. I went no contact and stopped the guilt trips
Yet we never get to go to the ball nor get the glass slipper.😢
Truth...💯💯they want children but no responsibilities and with women they can control and project their major insecurities on them...
yep.
I’m coming to terms with this, after a lifetime. At 28, I’m preparing to cut ties with my parents who are like this. It’s exhausting, but I know it’s right. Years lost to pure lies and selfishness. I’m so glad I got all my valuable possessions out of their house years ago. No leverage is left.
I am happy for you! Do not ever let them suck you back in.
I am 45 and broke up with my narcissistic violent sexual abusive voodoo witch mother when I was 36. I regret that I did not break free much earlier to save some of my life. I heal myself with religion. At 45 I don't have wrinkles nor grey hair. God is preserving me to live the stolen years of my life.
@@sslk8978 May God continue to bless you on your path of healing. ❤️🙏🏻
I’ve been waiting for this. Both my parents are retired professors and have been cruel and abusive to me. I’m the idiot scapegoat of the family.
You are not an idiot! Do not engage in such self-deprecation.
Me too bro
Your parents are the idiots. Just by the fact that you are here, listening to this lecture makes you one smart person who strives to be the best and healthiest you can by overcoming your childhood abuse.
No words.
Probably not as stupid as you think.
But then i also think you know you are not that stupid... it is swampthing else ..
not recognition either...
But ... probably what you searched for was connection.
And for some small but puzzling reason...
*also looking for magic words.
Because **PLAY SAVED THE CHILD.
(from worse fate...)
I was an accident, so I can’t even say that my mom truly wanted me in the first place.
I think we were all accidents
I was a ‘planned accident’ in my narc mothers desire to marry and trap a husband. She didn’t even know which man fathered me and proceeded to lie to me for 50 years until the truth came out.
I’m sorry you felt unwanted, that is just sad and wrong. ❤️
My mom said i was too
I just realized I want to be a mom for the wrong reasons. Glad I saw this before I had kids.
Excellent self awareness and insight. Thank you for your comment,
🎉🎉🎉teach them empathy 🎉🎉🎉❤❤❤🙏🏽💯
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 Agreed..Also, teach about feelings..Help the child recognize his /her own feelings , validate and teach feelings are normal, it’s what we do about them that is important … We can learn to manage our feelings/emotions in a healthy way…. I believe this is critical for all kids , especially with a Covert Narc parent and other personality disorders
Atta girl for figuring it out now. Being a parent is a rough job no matter how good your intentions. If you have any doubts at all, hold off. Seems to me when guys want kids, they're totally counting on the woman to do the heavy lifting. None of them ever anticipate having to do the real work of raising the kid.
"Can I have a puppy? Please??"
"You have to promise to feed, love, and care for it every day"
"I promise, I will!"
Sorry gang, but it's no different when you produce offspring. Very few men have any clue at all, beyond ejaculation.
I sense sarcasm
My Narcissist mother explained to my sister and I that she had kids because an across the street neighbor called her selfish for being married for 4 years without any children to show for it. My mother is terrified of criticism from others and believed if word got around that she and my dad didn’t have any then my dad would be fired from his job and the local grocery store when ban my parents from buying food from them. Boomers seemed to have had kids because to not do so would mark them as weirdo freaks by their neighbors, and Narcissist Boomers especially seemed to fear having that public image of themselves.
This has a lot to do with it. They were criticized heavily , more than now, in those days, if a woman didn't bear a child. THAT was their purpose, to produce children. But, wtf??? What about raising, loving, mentoring that child?
Absolutely Bonkers! 🙄🙃😤
My mothers best friend (bot narcs) had her 2 children because a lawyer told her it would break the prenup if she convinced him to get a bigger house.
Since birds of a feather flock together I suspect my mother has similar reasoning for children too.
All of that pain and torment just to entrap men for their money.
Image is everything to a narcissist.
I am a Boomer but was the parenting child to my Mother and younger brothers. I didn't want children but now and then I would wake up thinking I didn't want to miss out on having a child. Society and collective marketing told us we could do it all. I'm glad I only had pets. The buck stops here. I try to be a good Aunt. Our Mother told each of us that she knew we would be the one to care for her. None of us realized until we were in our 30's and I went through therapy. It was much more useful in life than knowledge gained in college.
Prayers that my 3 grandchildren be protected from any harm caused at the hands of their parents. 🙏🏼👼🏼A👼🏼H👼🏼P 🙏🏼
yes it is awful to watch the grandkids and the dangers they are in.
This was my ex; "Then I will always have someone there to need me and not leave me."
21:31 is what she admitted. She adopted me because she expected and NEEDED me to HELP HER, HEAL HER, IMPROVE HER LIFE, and NOT EVER LET HER FEEL LONELY OR HELPLESS or let her down like other people do. SHE WANTED and needed A HELPER AND LOVER and adorer and worshipper of herself. She saw me as her third arm. In her eyes, she owns me. So, it's no wonder she sooo completely lost it and disappointed and destroyed when other people in their right mind told her that I am not her 3rd arm. She was soooo intoxicated in her being soooo right and entitled to this parental RIGHT that she announced it regularly and loudly. She demanded that I revolved my life around hers and making HER pleasured. She was like THE MEANEST AND WORST BOSS, never compensated you for the self destruction and self destructive work. She was 1000% borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, and she demanded everyone around her, in her company, to cater to her 1000 needs 1000% of the time. Imagine living that way for 50 years.
What is just as DISGUSTING as what the narcissist mother saw me as is that OTHER PEOPLE (her sisters and friends) told her and told me that it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to remain loyal to my narcissist manipulative mother because she labored for me, because no one else could help her or love her but me, and that she'd be alone if I didn't stay loyal to the abuse to me from the beginning. Smh. Those disgusting pieces of shits should cry and die in their burning hell.
Omg you just described my mom
They take their pain away. But ultimately they give it back to us.😥
My narc mother is a piece of work. She took revenge on my brother for trying to expose her and had him committed as a schizophrenic. I have a sister who suffered and became a drug addict. She tried to make me her slave as a teen after 2yrs I left home and had my own life.another brother is violent with women. My other brother became the slave I refused to become. My other sister that mum had up on a pedestal and could do no wrong had her own narssist personality though has worked hard to change that and is actually a great woman. Dysfunctional family full of dramas. Mum is suffering right now because of her kids and most of us have cut her off.
My parents literally tortured me every day, my mom assaulted me whenever she was near me. She would do it in front of people and I would beg for her to stop, push her hands away, scream in pain, and she would tell me I was embarrassing her.
My dad always said that we were horrible people who were trying to kill him, and he never stopped rambling on about his conspiracy theories about us.
Both my parents lied to teachers, the teachers abused me, put me in abusive "special" classes and a mental hospital where they forced me to take Navane
Once I started having serious disabilities and agonizingly painful medical problems, my parents would rather let me suffer and die than let me tell a doctor these things.
I had serious unbearable untreated chronic pain for over 20 years and no one knew except doctors who I didn't listen to. I was ashamed of it and hid it amazingly well.
Many other narcissistic people and doctors and therapists preyed on me and almost killed me a number of times.
I am 42 and still doing all kinds of therapy including physical . The chronic pain is gone because hypnotherapy is just that effective, I learned about it in psychology 101, there was a whole section about it in my textbook
I agree with everything but the end of this video. The child who molds their personality to fit the fantasy of the parent does not escape this but becomes a narcissist, most likely a vulnerable one. The parent, just as you said, has this fantasy of having a perfect child who takes their pain away but no child can fit that fantasy. When the moment comes that the child 'dissapoints' the parent, everything is lost for that child. Their identity is based on pleasing an unpleasable parent.
my son
@@eadler5929 ?
The child who tries to perform for love but ends up the scapegoat may end up with borderline/CPTSD and self-love deficit/co-dependency, and may switch Cluster B traits when mortified. NPD is usually the golden child who got praised for nothing
My adult son has NPD too. They break your heart beyond repair. Its a huge deal to walk out of your child's life and it hurts like nothing we've ever dealt with before but its got to be done or they would destroy us. @@eadler5929
Another reason for having the child is “so there is someone to take care of you when you get old.”
And while you try to take care of them in their old age, they maintain you do nothing....after "all they did for you as a child?!?"
Gag
@@donnarobbins4316 yep.
Don't ever get old, Fem.
This was exactly my life until my mum died. My dad was manipulated and was enabler. I’m dealing with the fallout daily and have cptsd
So do I. Exactly the same. And I'm so unwell with CPTSD.
A narcissist wants to have a child because he/she wants the child to give him/her the respect he/she never received as a child.
So here we are back with Alice Miller and what she wrote in The Drama of the Child. Of course, Miller was unable to practise what she preached. She treated her own children very badly indeed.
Ironically, once she died her son felt free to write a book in which he says he would have died (of depression?) had he not read her book. He felt that his mom was terrible, but her theories pretty sound.
By the way, narcs may also want to have grandchildren for much the same reasons!
Very fascinating,I often wondered why my ex narc wanted children because he was jealous of them taking my time.
😮Blessings JoEllen mine was too he wanted all my time an attention and with 4 kids at first I didn’t see but little by little God showed me I had him I’m a pedistol and it couldn’t be like that my kids are my evething ❤
My alcoholic narcissistic neglectful dad basically wanted kids as insurance so he’d have people to take care of him in his old age. By my twenties he’d only contact me every few months and it felt very “let’s get this out of the way”/ obligation. Jokes on him in the end since my sister and myself have nothing to do with him now
Good for you. I did the same thing with my NPD mother. Never looked back. Never wondered how her life was going, rich or poor.
brokenupbeat yeah I agree he seemed to think he could just treat me like shit as a child and I would grow up and just forget about it or like I would feel obligated to continue having a relationship with him despite having zero respect for him and not being able to say one nice thing about him. It’s bizarre
I can relate to this 😮
@@Nick-kf3io Yeah. I realize now they are delusional. They have psychosis. I am no contact now too, for survival.
My narcissistic mother told me she regrets having me. Now my second child's father abandoned he's son even before he's born because he's selfish and jealous and thinks I owe him for being pregnant. This two people are out of my life and blocked for life. Am currently going through talking therapy to heal myself more. Living my life to the fullest and am blessed to have 2 precious kids and I love them more than anything in this world.
I hope everything is going much better now.
My Mother was a narcissist and Munchausen Syndrome. I got the double whammy.
I keep hearing that what you and I experienced is rare. I wonder...
I'm thankful to find your channel. I have a narcissist sister and mother. Married one too. Didn't realize for many years. Always blamed myself, hated myself, even to the point of wanting to die. My whole life has basically been sorrow and shame.
I hope you have found love.
Everyone needs it and you deserve it too.
My dog finally showed me that I was a good human❤️
You deserve love and acceptance.
It's not too late for a meaningful life.
It's not too late for change.What will
you have to change? Everything *.It
takes unfathomable courage, rigorous honesty and you can't do this alone. Therapy, support groups ,
for mind,spirit and body. Healing will
be the hardest work ever, but you're
worth it.
GOD BLESS YOU and Seek help and Live!!!
But now you came learn to love yourself as a person made by God in His image!
Thank you for your compassion Ross. A perfect description of my childhood. We were ignored, yelled at, left to grow up with our loving mum who struggled to cope with the drinking and moods. The good times were when we were behaving or doing something he liked to do. As children we were told, ‘you know your dad - he only thinks about himself.’ We thought he was a normal dad. No one saved us because no one knew about npd. It was seen as just another family dynamic. It took me 53 years to learn that this was narcissistic abuse. It feels empowering to know what drives the behaviour but sad that so much damage has been done. People with npd should not have children because they severely damage and even destroy lives.
Thanks so much for sharing. Glad this is helpful.
They really shouldnt. I left mine and now I wish I didn’t. Now he has full control of my kids and all i can do is watch helplessly. My ex’s mum saw him as perfect. It was crazy! He is already doing the whole scape goat one child and make another the golden child thing. His mother fucked up all 5 of her kids. One had schizophrenia which i jst found out is mistaking the internal for the external while narcism is literally the opposite. These people do generational damage.
They can though (have children). But God always gives the kids “a special quality to overcome”. Mine was strength and smarts along with independence. Praise God
@@blessed7927 yes!
I can’t thank you enough for this video. My mother is a narcissist. She has told me that she had children because she loves babies and not children. Having her as a mother has been terrible. I understand that there is nothing I can do to make her the loving mother I’ve always wanted. I have been grieving for years. I have purchased your book on Amazon and it should arrive in two days. Thank you again. Thank you 🙏
So glad this information is helpful. Thanks for watching.
@@sll110 I’m so very sorry. I wish healing and love for the both of us. I’m hopeful we can make it to the other side.
My mother too. And she was obsessed with cats, and wanted me to be too. This is why I cannot stand cats to this day.
I am so sorry that you grew up with that.
My mother knew KNEW what ex was but did not tell me. Who does that to her child? Her friend said that she said I would not have listened. Maybe . She also wanted her her children to be dominated.
Mother had a nervous breakdown and began speaking to all the ghosts in the house, scaring us because we had poltergeist house. I had terrible depression.
YOUR MOM WAS POSESSED by a demon.
🙏🏽🙏🏽💯yep me too I was taught to ignore her 😮😮😮😮😮😮she was sick and drs the smart ones told me to ignore her ways wow dummy’s 🎉
From my experience I think it is to not be seen as weird to the eyes of others. They “don’t want to be less”. It is like another fake screen to others. As what it is said about the extension of themselves. My mother also told me I should have kids, otherwise no one is going to take care of me when I’m old. Then I understood that was the use of kids for her.
I do not agree that narcs can love. no way. not with the cut throat covert things they do to people for sport. That is never love.
They decide what love has to look like.
They create it, copy Godwork, like Lucifer.
In their minds (like in anybody's else btw, all they do is justified or even perfectly justified)
They have a broken, toxic, dysfunctional definition of what Love is due to the trauma they experienced, themselves, at a young age. Which is the cause of the personality disorder. They think they are loving, but they are like the Grinch. Their ❤ is 10 sizes too small. They are frozen and shut down in the Love department. That is what they want so badly, true love. But they have to shatter/melt their ice heart, and then put fertilizer in the heart before Love can grow there. Which they will never do because they are scared that melting their own frozen heart will kill them. And they don't want to face the feeling of the trauma that they lived through as a child.
* In order to heal a wound you have to face the pain of cleaning it out and allowing it to organically come back together/ heal from the inside out. The narcissist cannot handle facing the temporary pain for the greater good of the long term healing. 😢
@@Nikki-en6kd very true
It is scary, and very dangerous , they belive they want love but... if you give it to them they will do all they can to destroy you.
That is unfortunately the spookiest treacherous white glove killer on earth.
May God Save
I think they can mimic love but it's not genuine
NPD parental alienation is worse than the abuse you endured as the spouse to witness it on your children there without you.
I pray for all the children daily living in a Stockholm Syndrome with this pathology. These kids whom kill off the normal range parent and believe the abusive parent is now protecting them are now splitting too. The pathogen transfers into the child through alienation sadly.
We really need public awareness of this destructive phenomenon leaving our children with life long psychological damage.
It's heartbreaking 💔
I apply radical acceptance daily to live with this.
🙏
Living it!
@@CH-in8dm yep, twice.
This is unimaginable how they use kids. My husband traumatized 2 year old to control me from leaving the home. I finally escaped the home and in the process he died from a heart attack due to stress. He was obsessed with our son but yet traumatized him emotionally and spun him into hysteria screaming for mommy to come home. 😞 Very sad he’s dead but glad it’s over.
Let the healing ❤️🩹 begin.
I think Sam Vaknin would never say a pathological narcissist has empathy, can feel remorse and love. That kind of statements creates lots of confusion among victims. What should I think then? Has my narcissistic mother been abusing me for decades but at the same time she loved me and she had empathy? A pathological narcissist is someone who cannot see you. You don't even exist for them as a person. If you suffer they suffer more; if you have a serious problem they have hundreds of problems; if you have a serious disease they're about to dye. They're not honestly interested in your life unless they can get something from it. Is that empathy? Is that love?
I respect Sam' Vaknin's work. Some of our thoughts about Narcissistic Personality Disorder are different. But if his work helps others then i am in support of it.
@@RossRosenberg this is important though. Wish I knew the truth. My ex is the type that wld take off and abandon his kids in times of danger. He is a coward (coverts are). But I can’t reconcile running off and saving urself and leaving ur child as love.
@@TheChosenOne2222, they do not love themselves either. In fact, their false grandiosity is a means to compensate their own bad conception of themselves. They do not know how to love anybody, including themselves.
@@bunmitella9672 To me, love is when someone else's happiness makes you happy. I had a narcissist once tell me that "love is when someone makes you happy." I am ever so glad he and his wife never had kids. Because he clearly would not have loved them. Children can regularly make parents unhappy (ex. getting up at 3:00 AM to clean a diaper explosion), but they should still be loved. Narcissists cannot love, because they only do what makes them happy. Others' happiness never comes before their own, and that includes the happiness of their children.
My mom is a flaming overt narc, but she was so disconnected from anything I was doing she didn't have anything I did be about her. Does that make any sense? I was skipped a grade, out of high school at 16, moved out of my house at 16 to another part of the state, and basically began an independent life at a young age, and she was off doing her own thing. Growing up I could barely get her to pay attention to anything I was doing. I was on my high school gymnastic team and I don't think she was barely aware of it.
Mine is covert.
She discouraged me from participating in anything right from school, and then smear campaigned against me to my teachers, relatives, neighbours, and possibly her co-workers.
She was threatened when I caught up with her educational qualification. So much that I barely had enough bus fare for college. I had to start working soon.
She brainwashed me into closing my business, leaving my jobs, supposedly for something better, till I finally realised that her advice is actually very very bad for me. I kept listening to her thinking she wants the best for me.
It hit me hard that she actually tried to destroy me so many times.
But gratefully, I came out successful most of the time. This triggers her further.
You are lucky you got out. I tried at 15, had a live in job lined up, and they wouldn't let me go. I thought it was the $30 a month from the government but I know now it would have shown them as failures. Leaving then (I didn't know why I wanted to go) would have changed my life so much. They kept on manipulating til I was over 50....
I can sure relate! I was out at 17 and would never borrow a dime from them otherwise it would have been a hook back into them. Looking at old pictures, my mom said " I never knew you did these things at school!" Playing sports through the school year saved me!
Both my parents were victims of narcissistic and emotionally abusive siblings. They gone off on me trying to fix those mistakes on me. Narcissist behavior is a generational problem.
My narcissistic father told me that he was sleeping with another woman while I was being born. I’ve never recovered from that.
It depends on the place where it was coming from. Did he say "I was sleeping with another woman while you were being born" in a way that he regretted not being there to see you being born & to support your mother, or did it say it in a way that it seemed like it was coming from a dark place like "I was sleeping with another woman while you were being born" because I care so little about you & your mother? Seeing as you never recovered from it I fear that he might have meant the latter.
I’ve been following you now for several years and I’ve read your book the human magnet syndrome. This popped up in my feed tonight. What you are describing describes my mother. As a middle-aged woman nowadays I look back at my childhood and can see with clarity what was really going on. When I was very very small, I felt like I was a living doll who was paid attention to by my mother to comfort her, and then it felt like I was put back in the toybox or up on the shelf. I remember clearly one day when I was around four years old and not yet in kindergarten… I asked my mother why she didn’t talk to me. It was as if my mother was going through the motions. In recent years I have taken our 35 mm film and had it digitized and I was shocked and some of the photographs I got back. There’s my mother, expressionless and with a Face devoid of emotions. It’s like she’s not even there, she is checked out.
I grew up in a fairly chaotic family with a drinking father who was prone to violent outbursts. My mom stuck me between him and her as the gate keeper of emotions. As a matter of fact, I felt like I was her emotional container because she couldn’t contain her own big emotions. She never taught me how to do that as a youngster, that’s for sure. I had to learn on my own later with therapy how to sit with the intense emotions we all face but to handle them appropriately as an adult.
You talk a lot about narcissist thinking that they are the good parent. I can attest to that. If ever I try to explain to my mother how her actions have hurt me she gets angry, starts to project, and then blames me for her feeling bad. She uses fear, obligation, and guilt. Especially guilt. It’s as if when she feels bad it must be somebody else’s fault.
The part you talk about where they have a child thinking that the child will relieve them of their own pain. I can attest to that as well. It’s like they are a bottomless pit and look to their children to fill the void. I’d like to think that my mother was proud of me but what it really was is her own pride and ability to claim responsibility for my success as her own. It was as if I as her daughter shined a great big light on her. On many occasion that felt like I was show and tell. If we went out to lunch and there were people at a nearby table, my mom would raise her voice and asked me about my promotion. Loud enough for the neighboring table to hear. I finally caught on to what was going on and stopped reacting and instead would just shrug my shoulders.
The other thing is my mother talks about her early childhood as if her own mother was a saint. She died at age 12 and left my mother and her younger sister behind. Their father remarried and didn’t raise the girls so they went to live with the grandparents. Talk about upheaval! While I feel terrible for what they had to go through, I can also see how the abandonment not once but twice affected both my mother and her sister. But now I know that it is impossible for my mothers mother to have been the saint she was made out to be. There is no way possible for that to have happened given how both my mother and her sister turned out. I suppose the mind plays tricks in order to preserve a memory that really wasn’t there. As a matter of fact, just as you stated here in this video my mother has major gaps in memory from her childhood where she just doesn’t remember big chunks of it.
My mother always seem to have a way of reading my father and his moods especially when he was drinking. My mom would send me as a seven or eight-year-old with a can of beer in hand to deliver it to my dad in the basement along with a shot of whiskey. When he would run out, he would drive to the liquor store to buy more and my mom would tell me to go for a ride with my dad. I never understood why the hell she would do that. And now I see it was her way of grasping for her own quiet time even if it meant sending me out with my father who had been drinking. For that matter I remember driving up and down the freeway with my dad drinking a beer in the cup holder.
I am only recently starting to understand the connection between childhood trauma and the physiology of our bodies and chronic illness. I recently learned about the adverse childhood events test or Ace. I scored seven out of 10. I attempted to discuss a couple of those events with my mother one day and all she did was gaslight me by saying, “where was I?” Where was I? Are you kidding me? Not only did she have major gaps in her own childhood memories but she has major gaps in my childhood memories and I remember everything.
Have you ever done a video on the resentment that we can feel toward our parents? A few years ago I finally stopped looking for love where I knew I would never find it. I stopped being the obedient child as an adult. I took classes on how to establish boundaries and read related books. My mother hated it when I no longer contained her emotions. She used to tell me the children didn’t take care of their parents these days like they used to, implying I was a shitty daughter. I told her, well that’s possible. One day we got into a very heated argument and I let everything out. I finally told her I didn’t need her to love me, I didn’t need her to like me, I didn’t need her to get me. That I get me and that’s enough. And if she was looking for the daughter that she raised, that that daughter was gone, for good. And that I accepted that she might not like the new me.
I just want to say in closing how much I have learned from you through your videos and your book. I no longer suffer from self-love disorder. I am slowly becoming the woman I was always meant to be. Thank you!
Edit: I should also mention that my father had many narcissistic traits as well. And my mother had borderline traits. I learned from a very early age not to Xpress too many feelings because they would trigger my mother. And if the trigger was severe enough she would threaten to throw her self down the stairs while telling me that I was making her too upset.
Reasons why I cut my mothers whole side of the family off. Dysfunction is the name of the game. None of them accept responsibility and are quick to point fingers and blame. Cant work with a brick wall. Not worth it in my adult life. Not my circus not my monkeys! I married and was entirely cast out. Who needs family like that?
DO IT! I had to for both sides.
I disconnected myself from my father’s side of the family. My father trying to pull me back every chance he gets but his situation is now horrible - trouble with the law because of drinking, developed dementia, and most of the family being estranged. All the best!
I feel it may sometimes be simply to trap their fuel supply. Coverts want nothing to do with their kids after break up with their primary fuel source
yep, it's been what i have experienced.
Thank you for shedding light in my life. I am a survivor daughter of a Malignant Narcissist . He was misogynistic, hated women who only served 2 purpose for his Narcissist supply. Sexual and domestic service to him.
Growing up was painful and always dream of having a normal family and a daughter, little did I know I wanted a daugher to be able to heal myself from such invalidation, invisibility, disrespect, disregard I grow up with no value for myself. When I was 22 I didn’t know what NPD was I just knew if I stayed around this human being I was gonna kill myself. So I went zero contact since then. I got married to a wonderful man and have a daughter.. she was the life of my life and I tried to be the best mom I could and thanks God I am not a Narci I was able to raised her healthy I taught her to be a decision maker and respect others and be kind and loving I didn’t realized I was raising myself again …watching your video makes perfect sense to me, raising her brought some healing for my soul But she is her own person .. she is a wonderful intelligent ,independent Woman she is 23 pursuing her own goals and purpose of life.
Her accomplishment are hers and I am very proud of the person she has become. I didn’t have that opportunity being raised with a NPD father.
My father passed away and only one time he said : “I am sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t mean it”. Still confused by those words they Ecco constantly So he knew what he was doing? I grew up with family excusing him saying he was mentally ill , bipolar , depression what have you. Nope what he really was a raging bigger than life Superior Narcissist. He destroyed my childhood my adolescent years and my young adulthood until I said enough is enough. I visited once 3 months before he died. He looked pitiful but no love for me no remorse , no guilt .. nothing .: I even today regretted that final visit. It felt like i was new nurse coming into the room to do a shift .. there was no connection. I still can’t believe I come from his blood and flesh. I wish I was adopted and not carry those malignant genetic traits. Thanks God Narcissim is made but hereditary plays a scary role.
So they have someone to control their every breath
It's always life affirming to see other surviving adult children of this hidden extreme of society.
Knowing we were not alone and neither were you . I just want to extend love and compassion to each adult child trapped by the past and stuck currently in their cycle.
I understand it all to well.. it carved out much of my life to try to overcome and forgive . Forgiveness is the key to break off all the strongholds and oppression that tried to kill steal and destroy our souls..
We intend to forgive and that is the highest card you have been given to move mountains and set yourself free.
Love to all who walked this way .
♡
My narc mother at 17 threw me out after I came to her concerened she had started drinking a lot. She had never drank then one summer all the sudden it was vodka everyday. My dad was an alcoholic so I said I didnt want her to end up like my dad. She ended up beating me and throwing me out, then called me 15 min later to come home and clean my room. She had just thrown my laundry basket at me while I was trying to grab clothes.
I know she is the way she is because of a lot of trauma she had growing up, HUGE difference is my sister and I have spent YEARS trying to make sure we are dealing with our issues and make sure we aren't horrible humans. Something she wpuld NEVER do. She has and will never be wrong or admit to anything. She doesnt even know the meaning of an apology. Toxic and vile. Borderline personality and a text book narc. #iamasurvivor
Wow, thought I was the only one to have psychotic parents growing up. Personally, I believe demonic spirits are driving these people and they will set you up with traps - they play mind games. Deliverance ministries have helped me to heal from these wounds. All the best 🙌
It's scary how right you are. My narc sister always said she couldn't remember anything about our childhood. It's unreal the damage she has caused to me by the backstabbing lies she has told to my ex's about me. And my son. It's been going on for as long as I can remember. She has done it all. Right down to copying everything about me, my clothes and my hair style. I get the gut feeling she would like to erase me and become me. I know it sounds crazy. Yes, I've seen false posts she made about a warm fuzzy memory of Christmas with Dad. He was physically and mentally abusive to all us kids. I rarely have contact with her she immediately starts baiting me.
My older sister was a bit bully to me
Trauma or no trauma, someone starts behaving narcissisticaly when they get conflicting messages from their environment like idealization and devaluation. This, like everything else in this life, is a cycle.
OMG! I thought of myself a recovered codependent, yet now I am wondering if I am a recovered narcissist! I can see all these points apply to my experience. In the end my older daughter now is transition into a man, just like her father. She is totally arranged from me, I can say “ I made my bed now I lied on it”
So sorry for all the unconscious patterns I had I wish had healed myself before having children, yet I did not know any better. I broke the trauma chain on my self, yet my children continue it….
Amber Heard * *cough* *
She'll be a good case study. Feel sorry for her victims though
I see this clearly, you put it in in true words! My ex was cool to have kids, however, never contributed BEING a parent. He's a fragile old man now, gloats in their success, which is HIS doing! His memories make me sick, sometimes, because in public he was the best parent, and " remembers" things that never happened!
If I'm to take your well described personality pathology, I must only again come to the defined conclusion, I was definitely married to a sociopath.
I lost my whole life to him. I have lost my adult children to him also.
He is the kind lamb. He is the hero.
I am crazy. I am the problem.
There's no consolation in knowing the truth. None.
I pray your information really helps people from these evil deceivers and to recover. XX
You are not alone, little consolation there I know, but hold your head high and learn to love and cherish yourself more.
I get it. Knowing what they are doesn't make them any different. It does however make you aware that they are coming from a fucked up place in their own heads so you don't have to view their thinking and behavior as sane anymore. They are truely not same in my opinion. Their damaged emotions have hijacked their perspective on the world and if they have any control or influence on you they will fuck you up too. They don't even know they're nuts either. I think it's better to know what you're dealing with than not because at least you can protect yourself from their crazy. I spent my entire life wondering why my stepfather turned my family against me for no reason. I lost everything. Bullied out of the house from 16 to 18. Had to leave at 18 with nothing. He kept the money my father left me for an education and treated me like I was a horrible person my whole life inspiring my family to do so also. I lived in poverty my whole life unable to afford an education. Became alcoholic from the pain. Developed Chrones disease from the rage and turmoil inside of me. Inflammation in my intestines. When iI found out about NPD it all started to make sense. His abusive childhood. His love/hate for his mother. His need to control me as a young woman. His misplaced anger/rage that he acted out on me for seemingly no reason. His need for revenge for some imagined hurt. Really fucking sick. I didn't know what I was dealing with until about 5 years ago when NPD became recognized as a disorder that caused tremendous harm to children and spouses.
At least now I can defend myself against the legacy that he left of pain and abuse. He is dead now so he can;t personally hurt me anymore but his anger lives on in my poor brother who took up his cause to treat me like shit.
Now that I am aware of what caused his horrible behavior towards me I am attempting to explain it to my brother. He has been brainwashed so badly by this man (his role model) that he has found it painful to hear the truth and is trying to deny it. I have already resigned myself to losing my brother because I doubt he is smart enough to understand NPD or even want to. He has secretly held hatred towards me for 49 years pretending to care. Recently the truth began to come out when he began to verbally abuse me. I began then to tell him the truth about the stepfather and even though he doesn't want to believe it he knows I'm not lying to him. So at least there's that......
Through my recent revelation about NPD I I have established healthier boundaries for myself which include taking care of myself before taking care of my mother. My brother still puts mom's needs first and then resents me for not doing the same. They raised us that way. I'm so glad I have got the blinders off and can stand by my decisions because I know I am operating from a sane perspective and not fighting the insanity anymore, I have my feet in the ground and my thinking based in reality. I'm not confused and lost anymore. 🤔🙋
I can't relate to adult children of a perfectionist narcissistic parent. The type that want to look perfect and wanting their kids to look perfect as well. That's so foreign to me.... my birthing person is a covert narcissist and loves playing the victim. Everything has always been woe is me. She purposely sabotaged everything good in our lives. Especially me because I was the escape goat. You can say munchausen by proxy. She had gratification by our failures....I think it depends on the narcissist accomplishments what type of a parent they're going to become. My birthing person was deprived from getting a proper education. She was born in a small rural village in East Africa. We came here as migrants for a "better opportunity" but that never happened. None of us went to college after high-school. I barely graduated high-school because of the chaos at home. No one had time for improvement when you're in survival mode. I think originally she would've been very well accomplished if given the opportunity because she is very street smart and because she knows she was deprived of that, there was no way she was going to allow us to surpass her. She was so unbearably obnoxious that by 18, I married out of necessity. Just to leave home. The cycle continued...it sucks being some sort of statics. Idk which I fall under. Probably several. I'm more hard on myself genuinely because migrants have a bad rep and I wanted to take advantage of coming to America and making something of myself....only to be where I am today. My kids are first generation Americans. I made an oath to myself that cycle ends with me. Instead of crying over spilled milk, I've decided to pour into my children what I never had and more. It's the ultimate self-sacrifice. My two oldest daughters have some collateral damage from the time I stayed in contact with my family but we've moved far away since then and been working on repairing our bond and healing together. I'm not a birthing person. I'm an actual MOTHER.
To all the survivors out there, continue growing and never give up on yourself ❤
That thumbnail was an exact depiction of my childhood but more specifically, my mother. I’m the youngest of 3 so it was never supposed to be all about me and I was definitely not the favorite; good thing I had siblings and a tv to help raise me. She always put herself first, even in emergencies and spent 1.5-2hrs getting ready daily focused on her looks and outward appearance every day of her existence since I’ve known her, even to this day. Same routine, same hairstyle. There’s a whole lot more, but that’s enough for now.
When I first saw this title, I thought it said scare them for life. Well, that too!
It can be very confusing for many, because the shame and guilt put onto young children, and beyond, along with the conditional "love" being doled out to them, this can cause the child to feel self-loathing, unworthyness, damaged goods, disconnected to normalcy, without the understanding of being genuinely loved, appreciated, protected and allowed to be who they are without attacks, exploitation or ridicule. And i say confusing for many, inc those who are in the help profession, who just see the person, want to diagnose them, without looking at the reasons how it happened.
Some children observe, but end up taking on some behaviours of said narc or narcs, just to try to fit in and end the judgements, only to find the judgements increase, as if the narcs now attack what they are through that child, because they loathe themselves. And, as if the narcs are thinking, "Hey, i do that, not you! You are not the almighty me!!" The child adopts these behaviours, but is not comfortable or able to carry it off, receiving bad responses from other people, which narcs do not encounter, often. It's disingenuous. False. Weak. This is so hard for so many to separate. I suppose the only thing going for the child is the seeking of support for healing, accepting responsibility and grasping again onto being considerate toward others who are damaged, but able to aquire the ability to set firm boundaries, and learn to accept self and healthily care about self. Narcs rarely seek help for their behaviour, wanting everyone else blamed. If they say they take responsibility, it's a false statement.
So my point is, it's too easy for many psychologists to deal with the adult child without looking at why, and diagnose the adult child's behaviours, mot as reactions. Meanwhile, the narc's are never diagnosed. They are rarely on medication or seek help, but their victims have to.
My narc colleague said that she always wanted to have "many little people running around her all the time". It seemed to me creepy back then, now I perfectly understand the pattern. She had 4 kids and the doors of her house were always open and the house was full of neighbours, other kids, cleaners and so on.
Out of me and my siblings the one that got the most from the narcissist and conformed to the most to their fantasy is the most ill.
Really good information here, Dr. Ross, thank you.
Is the assumption of the video that narcissists have children because they planned to or wanted to, though? What about the unwanted, unplanned children that just came about as a result of the narcissistic lifestyle of another?
Narcissists do have children simply because they had unprotected sex. The child is someThing that "happened" TO the narcissistic parent(s) and not treated as a human being. Being narcissistic, the parent(s) then make USE of the child in as many ways as possible for their own benefit without any consideration of the child's needs or rights. Knowing nothing else and being trapped in an unloving, hostile environment from birth, the child learns to feel ashamed of their very existence.
For the most part of this comment, I see a valid truth(s).
True, and awful!
I believe that the main reason why they want children is having a slave who would serve them and care for them when they are old.
My mother always said than having a sole child is "too dangerous" because if their only child dies, they are on their own, with no one to be obliged to take the abuse and to care for them when they get old.
In many ways being a parent for me is about me. I mean, it’s all about the kids. But o truly get so much out of it. Righting the wrongs I felt was dealt to me gives me a high. I notice it’s a narc trait but hey I see it as a win/win situation. They’re happy. I’m happy.
The damage done to the child is deep and sad
Ross, This video is eye-opener and paradigm-shifting to me about my brother #3. I DO NOT see him as a narcissist. He was the family scapegoat, deeply shamed, has brain damage with scars on scans to this day from when our emotionally, physically, covert sexually abusive pater hit him in the head with a 2' shop broom when he was around 15. He gave up his beloved art drawing after that because his arm and hand wouldn't function properly, unbeknownst to me and ???
He exhibits feelings of deep shame and trying to prove how good a person he is (for example, he is a lay minister in the Southern Baptist Conference). I have struggled to build a healthy connection with him, especially in the last 4 years. He talks about his life and experiences...I am thinking now compulsively and I prActice bringing him back to the things I am trying to express. This video is like the scales falling from my eyes! Love and light on your work 💥 🙏
Im so sorry that happened to your brother. I would love to buy a painting from him, it would be wonderful to see him develop his art.
Because we are accessories/props to their stories/lies they tell the world !!
You never stop being a fetus to the Narcissistic parent. I know it's a strange statement at first glance but give it a moment to sink in. You will get what I mean.
I get it
My mother wanted me to be the mother who wasn't there for her. At the same time she taught me to reflect herself back to her and punished me for it.
The bottom line of all narcissists is that it’s all about them. And if all is about them, then they can’t truly love others
my father begrudgingly offered community college to me after I missed days of school a week for my entire school career(never even sat me down and tried to instill some discipline or direction, he just pacified me with video games and television). Then he did everything he could to get me to drop out while holding it all over my head like he was giving me too much. It's weird to me to see a father that actually cared about or was proud of his son or encouraged him in his schoolwork. I wish my father had done that. Teachers went up to me and would tell me I should go to college and I just dismissed them, thinking everything would magically just be alright.
They need more flying monkeys
My EXs narcissist mother had 7 children and messed everyone of them up. Not one of the kids have a relationship with their children. My daughters have been 6 years NC with their dad. The grandmother didn’t care to know her grandchildren.
😭
Thank you for this video! I can't remember the source but I read somewhere that having children is the ultimate act of narcissism. Narcissists need people. They need validation,they need worship and praise , a mini version of themselves is the ultimate in narcissistic supply. And the God complex that you mentioned is spot on. However, after growing up in a Narcisstic home, what happens when that child grows up is a breeding ground for narcissistic injury for the parent. And then comes the vindictive envy if the child has even so much as little bit of success in life. At this stage, what brings pride to a normal parent, brings extreme and sometimes dangerous jealousy, animosity, and hatred from the narcissistic parent.