Your Relationship Isn’t Going To Be The Same Way Forever!
Vložit
- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
In this thought-provoking discussion, we challenge the popular notion that you must love yourself before anyone else can love you. Dive deep into the fundamental aspects of human relationships, attachment, and the role of community in fostering self-respect, love, and forgiveness.
Key Topics Covered:
1. The Myth of Self-Love:
Society often preaches the idea of self-love as a prerequisite for receiving love, but this contradicts our biological and psychological makeup.
Children learn about love and self-worth through the love and care they receive from others, not through inherent self-love.
2. The Role of Attachment in Learning Love:
Secure attachment helps children learn that they are worthy of love, while broken attachment can lead to feelings of unworthiness or disbelief in love itself.
The foundation of self-respect and self-love is built through the acceptance and love of others whom we respect.
3. Practical Example:
A hypothetical scenario illustrates how self-respect and worthiness of love are developed through consistent actions, authenticity, and the trust and respect of others.
Learning to be a trustworthy and respected individual involves aligning actions with intentions and being true to oneself.
4. Relational Living and Forgiveness:
Humans are not meant to live in isolation; our sense of self-worth, respect, and forgiveness is cultivated in relationships with others.
Forgiveness involves authenticity, intent, and action, and is deeply rooted in many religious and philosophical traditions.
5. The Cycles of Relationships:
Relationships go through cycles of disconnection and reconnection, which can strengthen the bond if handled correctly.
Regularly addressing conflicts and misunderstandings can lead to deeper understanding and stronger relationships over time.
6. The Importance of Conflict:
Avoiding conflict can lead to misunderstandings and unmet needs, while healthy conflict resolution helps partners understand each other better.
Personal experiences shared highlight the significance of humility, self-forgiveness, and mutual understanding in maintaining a strong relationship.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give the full episode a watch: • How Men and Women Deal...
Join The Mentorship Program:
adamlanesmith.com/the-attachm...
Subscribe to The Attachment Newsletter:
adamlanesmith.com/newsletter-...
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Myth of Self-Love
00:00:37 - The Impact of Broken Attachment on the Idea of Love
00:01:12 - Becoming a Man Worthy of Respect and Trust
00:01:45 - Being Authentic and Earning Respect
00:02:17 - Relational Living and Finding Respect, Love, and Forgiveness
00:02:59 - The Power of Forgiveness
00:03:36 - Letting Go and Allowing Regeneration
00:04:13 - The Role of Disconnects and Reconnects in Relationships
00:04:47 - The Challenges of Fighting in a Marriage
00:05:24 - The Strength of Taking Time Apart
Sounds good in theory.. the issue at times is that many will do what’s needed to gain trust especially in the early stages and then slowly change as their attachment style gets triggered.
And did you experience that yourself? Please tell me more
If I love him first, codependency is a risk
That's where self-RESPECT comes in. The 4 levels of trust and a healthy set of other relationships.
1, You learn you are worthy of love from your parents.
Sadly that can fail for a number of reasons, that's the core of insecure attachment.
2, Even if step1 was a dumbsterfire, you can build everything yourself from step2:
With self-respect you can learn and establish your principles. This will give you a healthy set of boundaries and responsibilities.
3, Your principles will attract friends and your boundaries will filter who is worthy of reciprocation.
4, The feedback loop with your trusted friends will organically boost each-others self-love instead of the shallow entitlement based concept of self-love in pop-culture Adam is warning against here.
5, With system and principles based on self-respect and a healthy battery of self-love organically boosted and reinforced by trusted friends you are ready to step into the high risk high reward arena of romantic love and ultimate intimacy.
One important note is that love is not an all or nothing switch but a spectrum of trust and continuous action. Both of you might be scared to make the first step, that is exactly why it's your responsibility (everyone's own to be precise) to take that first step. Don't go 100% instantly but a willingness to extend that bridge, and risk 10-15% more trust can greatly increase your chance of success. Yeah it's a bit more dangerous too, but not nearly as dangerous as giving that 100% from the get-go. Also if you got steps2-4 in order you are strong and valuable enough to quickly stand up from a bit of overcommitting and dissapointment. You also got your friend circle to help you stand up fast. Worst case scenario, you learn what you need to improve, what is a bad match for you and strengthen your bonds with your friends during the ordeal. That's actually still a pretty good deal ;)
And why is that??
You can't rely on or trust that someone else will love you. You have to be realistic about it.
This makes a lot of sense. Thank you
You’re welcome thank you so much for watching
Right from the top, a realistic interpretation of how humans ACTUALLY DO learn their relationship to and with others and themselves - FINALLY, someone who gets it! Melanie Klein would be proud.
The problem is, when you DON'T get the positive reinforcement that can only come from secure attachment with a good-enough Mother, you cannot fully develop a stable integrated self-concept capable of reconciliation of "good" and "bad" internalized objects, including parts of yourself that weren't accepted, and you tend to remain "stuck" in black and white thinking (splitting) and other "primitive" unconscious defenses and forms of reality testing. The "bad" objects do not simply go away - they are PUT AWAY in the unconscious where they continue to "run in the background" like malware, undermining authentic interaction and the integration process. This is part of what Carl Jung was referring to when he stated "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will order your life and you will call it Fate."
The idea "to love (or be loved by) another you must first love yourself " TOTALLY ignores and denies this basic fact of human psychological development - while it arguably speaks truthfully about healthy secure attachment (but how would I know?) it fails to account for the fact that we only learn to know and love ourselves by seeing ourselves reflected in the smiling eyes of another who understands and holds us in positive regard. Instead, we are not socialized but TRAUMATIZED to conformation to a social construct - in Western culture we have interpreted this as a belief that each of us is merely a separate individual and a commodity to be traded and consumed, in a doomed attempt to satisfy those split-off unintegrated aspects of ourselves that we dare not recognize or express, believing that through transactional exchange of the qualities that others value and validate (however shallowly) we can make up in volume of "empty calories" for the nutritional deficits of our starved unconscious exiles. It doesn't work, and the current state of Western culture PROVES that it doesn't - until we are ready to acknowledge how we REALLY work and invite each others' unacknowledged parts into honest conversations, we will continue to become more divided within ourselves and from each other, and sink further into unhelpful ideation and materialist isolation. Neither love nor healing occur in a vacuum, but bitterness and resentment thrive in it- which seeds do we wish for our garden to grow?
Thanks Adam for clearly stating the obvious that is so commonly overlooked or denied - you lit a candle with this one, and I hope my embellishment of the concept helps encourage others to see it and light their own candles from it to find their way through the darkness.
"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
- Carl G. Jung
Wow, That’s impressive!
@@AttachmentAdam Thank you Adam, I really do hope that my contribution to the conversation will help someone apply the perspective that you introduced here by encouraging a deeper look into the reasons WHY you are correct as well as how the principles apply more broadly. Thank YOU for what you are doing, your views on the variants of attachment styles, which are a crucial part of Object Relations Theory, are a game-changing advancement in how attachment issues are perceived and understood, and make it much easier to see my own constellation of adaptations within that context. So glad I found your channel, your work is essential and appreciated very much.
Amen!! 👏🏼👏🏼
Can you be specific on how to love an avoidant man. A good example would be reenacting a conversation with a stressed avoidant man.
Please check my playlist videos, and you would find many videos about how to love an avoidant man
What the hell attachment is it if i believe that nobody i ever love could love me back, only people i have zero interest in?
Where do you think that belief stems from?
Wow👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Adam.. please help. My bf follows an avoidant pattern and I used to be anxious but I shifted to more of an avoidant path as well. I’m not sure how to open up and communicate, be soft, express my feelings anything anymore after I caught him cheating.. it’s been almost a year and we both know I’m getting more distant and cold but idk how to be anything different. I don’t want him to start cheating again but at this point I don’t blame him.
I don’t show any affection, attention nothing idk how to help myself anymore
It sounds like you guys definitely need some help fast. I’d like you to email me at support@adamlanesmith.com so we can talk about how to get you both back on track and loving each other again.
I can't afford it
Yes, thank you self is second