Girls won’t fall in love with you until you fix this the TRUE reason for male loneliness
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- čas přidán 2. 08. 2024
- Unlock the secrets to overcoming loneliness in modern dating with Attachment Specialist, Adam Lane Smith. Discover the crucial factor most men miss and learn how to transform your romantic life. If you've felt stuck in the hopeless game of modern dating, this video is your guide to genuine connection and building a fulfilling relationship.
▶️ How You Can Fix Your Attachment (And why you should)
• How You Can Fix Your A...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters
00:00 Introduction
0:46 The Roots of Male Loneliness
2:24 Lacking Masculinity
5:00 Crushing Complex Insecurities
6:53 The Refreshing Power of Authenticity
8:11 Embrace Responsibility
11:10 Embrace Core Values
13:00 Empower Yourself Physically
13:51 Open Up to Friends
14:48 Define Your Dating Goals
15:39 Clear and Direct Communication
16:29 Date with Intention
17:17 Secure Your Attachment
Key Topics:
Modern Dating Challenges
Building Authentic Masculinity
Overcoming Insecurities
Embracing Responsibility
Creating Genuine Connections
#datingadvice #masculinity #authenticity #relationshipadvice #adamlanesmith #attachmentstyles
I have no idea why I am so insecure. It has destroyed every relationship I’ve had. My last girlfriend was absolutely perfect and had super high interest. I became more and more insecure over time, I was conscious of the damage it was doing but I could stop. She broke up with me and we haven’t spoken in three months. I’m doing everything I can. Thank you for this video.
I am so sorry to hear this, but it IS fixable. If you want to hear about some resources that can help you overcome this for good shoot me an email at Support@AdamLaneSmith.com and let's chat.
This hit home for me, I’ve been lifting weights and trying to pull myself together. It’s a long hard road. I’m trying to see people as opportunities and not hazards. Trying to be true to my values, know what i want and what i have to be to get it, and frankly to grow up. I do think men are gaslit into being perpetual teens through escapism or hedonism. It makes it hard to know what to aim at sometimes
Have you approached male friendship first as a possible place to build some secure connections, rather than look to dating where the pressure is higher?
@@AttachmentAdam yeah my best friend and I talk about it, although he is a very blunt person. I’ve been thinking about reaching out to people but I don’t like to message people without a reason or even call my friend (he says I’m the one person he doesn’t mind ringing him!) cos I know they’re busy and I don’t want to bother them unless I have something to say, if that makes sense…
@@BadMotivator66 than break through comfort zone and simply try to test with him. If he is said so than it's what it meant. I don't like to come if I don't know if someone has anything else more private guest that simply also needed idk to tell them something only the two of them so I always call first if I can stop by to say hello or I have free time you came to mind and hmm I should stop by. It's telling them by actions that you love to see them. It builds confidence by willingness to try, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. You are lowering yourself value by saying it already, if you think you are bothering someone then you do. You have to simply make it interesting with not giving a f* if you bother them or not. If you do it's their responsibility to say that good way bad way either way. If it's bad I say that also hey you agreed that it's OK for me to come but now being frustrated about that it's not being clear and true to your needs.
If you don't say that I'm annoying and I simply don't know it I'm gonna guess that I'm not because you allowed me to come. If I do anything that include something out of box or changing something I always ask them if I can do this or that if it that's OK with you I would love to also. Not want, wanting is always something for myself. Be kind not nice. It's like putting myself onto someone else back
And I would love to sounds more like invitation for someone because you love their presence. I want that sounds too much allowing yourself something that only you enjoy or because you think you can.
I think how we speak give of much more how we perceive othes and ourself more than anything else. What I think feel and do have to match up with my words. Also then it's important what I think about people not what they thing of me. Mannerism, socialy unspoken rules of behavior. I was the rude one sometimes often. Learn it with thinking what is OK to you or not. Good luck 😘
The stability, predictability and reliability hit home. I'm insecure and avoidant because I'm ashamed to still be living with my dad despite working full time. I'm trying to conquer that insecurity by improving my career so I can be more stable, predictable and reliable.
It's great that you're taking steps to improve your career and address your insecurities. Living with your dad while working full-time can be a smart financial decision, and it's important to recognize that everyone's journey is different.
Have you set specific goals or milestones to track your progress in improving your career and achieving independence?
Don’t forget about avoidant attachment. I’ve met a lot of lonely avoidants who are not masculine. I hope they watch your videos and listen!
Men who are governed by fear will always lose that masculine center eventually. Secure attachment really is vital for this.
I was a masculine avoidant. My girl loved me and wanted to have my babies. In the end I under appreciated her with flaw finding/unrealistic expectations. Now I’m without a gf and my (unknowingly at the time) best friend. I should have just committed but clearly i wasn’t self aware enough.. We talked today though and she knows I’m going to therapy to fix my avoidant issues. I wish I knew about avoidant attachment before, there’s definitely been a pattern. Time to grow up.
Where you feminine with them? If so, how?
Counterintuitively, women crave a man who is a leader of his own world, knows who he is, what he wants, TELLS her (nicely) where he is going and where he is taking her, KNOWS whats best for the success of him, her, society and a family. You can be a King of your own little family, not the world, that's just as noble. And delivering this relationship leadership should be handled pleasantly and sweetly. A woman can take the lead, but deep down she is constantly stressed that the potential father of her child will kill them by failure to protect and provide. Somewhere inside all women want a tribe leader or the illusion of it. Its sounds like a lot of effort but I imagine this journey of self development for a man will be extremely fruitful for him, his self esteem and his life satisfaction.
Sounds like compassionate leadership is what you're discussing here. What is one thing men do in romantic relationships that clues you in they are this type of man?
Not counterintuitively. Modern markets sold men the idea of being beta can bring success😂
Thank you! Recently bought your book “Slaying Your Fear” going to try going from anxious to secure.
glad to hear it! Let me know what questions you have as you go through the book
This are great insights. So many smart and capable women have had to develop their masculine side in order to achieve in their jobs or survive as a single Mom, and thus they need a guy whose masculine is a strong as theirs. These women can learn to turn off that masculine energy in their relationship and may do that, but still they really need a guy who can be authentic, strong, and confident. One of my favorite authors on this subject , besides Adam Lane Smith of course, is David Deida who says the the masculine grows through challenge.
There can’t be two masculines together, there needs to be a polarity. Many insecure men meet a modern woman and fill the polarity void by being feminine. It stems from insecurity. But deep inside, most of the time unconsciously, women are asking to meet a masculine man to turn off that neurotic behaviour and feel safe and grounded again.
@@baptisteringotI generally agree, that is the dynamic that keeps sexual attraction alive. But we all have a masculine and a feminine in our psyches. The trick is cultivating the healthy expressions of those and learning when to use each and when to tone them down. There is toxic femininity and toxic masculinity. If the guy has a weak masculine he usually will attract a woman with a weak feminine and stronger masculine and vice versa.
Agreed, this masculine contest is a huge reason many couples struggle. If the man is masculine enough to overcome her masculine side, do you think most women will respond favorably? Or feel threatened?
@@AttachmentAdam I think it all depends on the woman. I am 72 and have spent a good bit of my life pondering these dynamics and I am certain of very little. But I have concluded that a weak masculine attracts a weak feminine and vice versa. A weak masculine is often manifested by what we call "toxic masculinity" but also by an opposite - the inability for men to challenge themselves, and as you suggest, inability to accept total responsibility. But there is a toxic femininity: which avoids responsibility also. A healthy person attracts another healthy person.Deida says the Masculine grows through challenege, challenging themselves which a woman cannot do for the man. he 's got to do that himself and find his life purpose. The feminine by contrast grows through praise and intimacy and a man can do much of that for her.
@@BadAssElf810 honestly reading this i see this narrative quite often these days. But it seems like a narrative of combativeness, dominance vs submission. I personally believe in a healthy relationship, things should not be combative, it should consist of understanding, mutual respect, freedom and teamwork. Not forms of dominance and submission. This idea of masculine vs masculine as fighting, then masculine vs feminine as someone is dominant and another submissive, regardless of gender, does not quite sit right with me. The best relationship I have had, we never had an argument or fight. Could just discuss things whilst seeking to understand one another if we had to do so, in a calm relaxed way. I am not sure where all of this excessive combativeness always comes from, it has been normalised way too much I think when it is not healthy behaviour in my opinion.
Your most impactful video for me. Thanks.
Glad it was helpful! What made this one the best?
Love what you do Adam!
Thanks for the support!
Thanks for the upload Adam, It’s genuinely helpful. Should 100% write a book about specifically this topic
Glad it was helpful! As for a book, let's wait and see 🤣 What would you like to see included in it?
@@AttachmentAdamcompile an audiobook about attachment with all your content.
I love this ❤
Great information
Thanks, glad it was helpful!
This was great
I'm glad you enjoyed this!
This advice is very deep and sensible and is helping me to find a good man
Glad to hear this, feel free to ask questions!
Thank you
You're welcome
Very good video. For me it definitely used to tie in more so with approval seeking, but if anything I was more domineering/potentially aggressive towards other men sometimes, and I thought I had to tone it down in front of women to appeal more as they wouldnt accept/like it. So it was like the opposite of a masculine front/combined with inauthenticity. But as a result I became a lot more passive in mixed group settings, putting up with things I usually wouldn't in turn not truly being authentic to myself/respected myself less as a result. So arguably I felt like I had to tone down my masculine side massively, which was very restrictive in many ways. So often I would find myself with a target on my back from men who felt insecure around me, but also felt I couldnt act in a certain manner around women, tossed in with some friendship group dynamics, which led to putting up with a lot of rubbish I did not need to put up with. I do not recommend aggressive behaviour towards others lol there are better more peaceful ways, however it is important to understand your own boundaries and principles, and not dismiss those in social settings for fear of perception, approval seeking etc, especially if you are in the right. For me it is not becoming spineless due to others, but in a morally good principled way, not a simply a self centered dominating way. Sometimes a man needs to stick to his beliefs and not bend, and as you say become secure in yourself enough to not seek any form of approval. My mentality now is simply to remain true to myself, if we get on we get on, if we do not we do not. If there's attraction great, if not, so be it. I would not rather put on a show in essence, or manipulate someone to sleep with someone. I think whilst this became the norm to many, this never really sat right with me, and I never saw it as respectable behaviour even if it seemed to be socially accepted/successful amongst many men. Just seemed like a massive bunch of games, fakeness, manipulation, lack of empathy, ego and attention seeking all in all. AKA, insecurity/games lacking principles. Furthermore acting in a way other than yourself, gives you confidence in the mask, rather than a real deep seated genuine confidence, which is important to have and is earned. I am glad to say I am old enough and wise enough to know better now. Hopefully this is helpful to others in a similar position.
I love this self-reflection, thanks for sharing it. How are you doing with building yourself into the person you want to be, instead of performing?
Thank you! This is validating and I appreciate you putting it out there for men
Glad it was helpful!
I need help with an anxious avoidant female. I am drowning and losing.
Seems to me this is a good description of the king archetype- stability, structure, predictability. What about the other 3 jungian archetypes- like warrior, magician, lover? I identify more with the magician/shaman archetype, who lives on the edge of town so he can observe the system. I feel it gives me a power I rather like that I lose when in the king energy.
I’m authentic but still struggling with modern dating. Maybe i’m too old school 😅
What's the biggest challenge in dating for you?
@@AttachmentAdam my confidence suffer and I have a blockage with sex. But girls like me, I’m authentic and sociable
Adam can you please make a video on how to inspire a man's masculine
There is a limited potential of changing testosterone, as also external signs linked to it, which woman evaluates subconsciosly. Also mood, potential, male role modell and "halo" belongs there. Not that rich betas might not raise a child or two, bit simply woman want to procreate with alfas (at least the marketable ones)
Hey there, I encourage you to watch my interview with Saif Al Yasi titled 'Can Masculine Men Guide Relationships Without Dominating?'
You can also check my video titled 'Building Authentic Masculinity (Why Men Must Step Up)' - Hope these help!
Let me know your thoughts or questions in the comments.
I am very masculine and traditional and it’s no better. Modern women and feminism is more to blame than what is said here.
Can I ask, where are you looking for partners?
@@AttachmentAdam I’ve tried everything, honesty given up now. Online is an absolute nightmare, friends and family referrals, gym, bars. Women are not what they used to be. I truly believe the last good women died with my grandmothers generation. No matter where I meet women they all have cheated and take everything and give nothing. So I have given up. Maybe I’m the common denominator, either way it’s not meant for me so I have bowed out as graciously as I can.
The physical routine is awesome and easy to stick with once you have a routine. Get a training partner
Totally agree! How's your routine going?
"a guy who hides his feelings" you just hit it right there. I can't stand this either. I have known big strong men that go to the gym and look tough and if I am having a hard day they act like showing me empathy is a sign of weakness on them and they have to try to toughen me up instead. And they act too tough to really open up to me in a vulnerable way themselves and show me who they really are and let us connect on a emotional level. Its like a facade that goes with the muscles or something. Not bashing if someone likes to go to the gym, but even if a woman is attracted to you physically if you can't show her a soft human side she isn't going to fall in love with you because she doesn't feel safe or close to you like there is something missing. You are absolutely right. This is the thing that will make women walk away because they see it as phony and no real connecting.
To be fair, men banter and insult each other to toughen them up, so perhaps this is what he was doing. It’s pretty hardwired into us! He just misdirected it
@@BadMotivator66 Yeah, maybe but that is honestly why I ended up rejecting him, because I felt like he was shaming me for being myself and looking for him for comfort and to connect with. I was trying to show vulnerability to him (which isn't easy btw) as someone who was open to him emotionally and he acted irritated over it and kind of shut me down instead it felt. When I was showing him empathy over his friend passing that was my way of showing him I cared and he could feel safe coming to me with life issues.
I was just hoping for a soft side back from him to feel closer, but I ended up not talking to him anymore. It happens. If I feel like I can't open up and have comfort and a soft side shown to me that is enough of a turn off to lose interest early on and not want to get to know him better. Because emotional connection is very very important. That is a issue that I don't believe is talked about openly in modern times.
May not be a big deal to you but that is one of the most important qualities I look for in a man. I am not another man you know so what you are saying seems irrelevant since I am referring to a potential partner. He needs to show softness and empathy to me or I don't feel safe emotionally and I want to find a new man to try to talk to and connect with instead. Because that is going to be the man that I will fall in love with so I seek comfort in that type of man and show those qualities back to him, so that he sees that in me to.
@@SaraNorman-lv6cu i think that men and women fundamentally process emotion differently, but that being said i relate a lot to what you say. About a year ago i dated a woman who was very avoidant. i opened up to her about some of the issues i've had and overcome from my past however i think she was really turned off by it. It's hard as a man to know when and HOW to be emotionally vulnerable with a woman. and yeah it's a real kick in the teeth to be rejected for being vulnerable, that must have been hard for you. There is definitely the feeling in society that men should never open up and that women should reject guys who do. the stereotype isn't necessarily true but people act upon it or are compelled by this fear.
Grief is a very personal thing, so perhaps he was just really struggling to come to terms with it. At uni a group of us were at a friend's house- he was living with his long term girlfriend- when he had to step outside to take a phone call. he then simply sat outside on the bench staring into the distance in silence for a good while until his gf went to check on him. he'd just found out his friend from back home had died. his gf said he'd had some bad news and we could stay or go if we wanted (friend remained outside on the bench). quite a bit later i saw a card from the funeral on his desk. but none of us EVER asked him about it or brought it up. i'm not saying it's right or wrong, but the story feels quite relevant. it simply was not something we were ever to mention.
some men definitely do want emotional connection. for myself, i put that way above duh secks. i couldn't be more bored with it being shoved in our faces all the time. it's exhausting! I'm sure men are out there who can offer what you're after. i hope that helps a little.
@@SaraNorman-lv6cusorry, i can't see your reply for some reason- i get the notification, though so i can see the first bit!
seeing adam's latest video i think i escalated intimacy too quickly without building a solid foundation of compatibility (turns out we were not compatible, obviously). I'm not afraid of being vulnerable like the 'red pill' community preach. I cannot speak for most men. i think i'm a weirdo. but everyone says that haha
@@BadMotivator66 Yeah, all the men I fell in love with in the past had those qualities so I know they exist, they are just hard to find. Its not so much a male issue I think its just a specific type of person in general I am more drawn to as well. This applies to female friends as well.
I think its more of a personality type and some humans are more likely to be like this then other humans. Because I actually am not into females who act awkward about stuff like that either, I am only into certain types of female friends to.
I actually think men and women are more similar then what we have been led to believe though. Yeah, we obviously have some major differences but we still have lots in common. Yeah, everyone is looking for something different I guess but its always good to take risks even if things don't work out.
Because some of my exes wanted and seeked that type of friendship to, and had few friends because of it so I really dont think its male vs female. I think its a common human need and desire for some folks. In my personal opinion I find empathy underrated in society. I think sometimes people get too distracted by politics and other crap and being tough trying to survive life that they forget to be empathetic to their fellow human. I think at the end of the day everyone wants a person to go to and feel like they can be themselves and have someone understand and not hold it against them. Life is tough for everyone in some way or another you know?
P.S. I understand what you mean though about admitting as a man knowing when to be vulnerable and not I can relate for sure. There is never a HOW TO manual. LOL Thanks
So Adam are you talking about co-dependence and CPTSD or something else?
Those can be some co-occurring issues here for sure. Codependence especially, as that ties directly into anxious attachment style.
Can a stay at home dad (while household is financially sound) still be masculine?
That is very normal in my country. Nothing strange about it.
No. Part of masculinity is being a provider. Going out into the world and competing in the market place.
Having the woman go out into that world forces her to operate in masculine energy. She can't stay feminine in that world.
Even if the wife initially wants it that way, nature will ultimately take over and she'll resent it.
I believe so, it depends how he approaches the family setup. Why do you ask?
I want the same thing a masculine man want.. does this mean I am too masculine not feminine enough? Is there a female version of this one please? I want to work on our life goals together. I almost did everything he suggested, even told them I like or dislike about the time. Just didn’t tell the person I like him or not, because I really dont know..maybe I haven’t seen a guy as manly as me yet 😹 I am a confident “man” 😹?!
How do i know what my core values are? I have been trying but i feel like the list i made last was really just the opposites of what i dealt with from my ex wife. How do i REALLY create this for myself?
That's not a bad approach at all, using painful experiences to highlight what's important. Can you share your list here?
@AttachmentAdam As an exercise from my therapist I marked from a list ones that were important to me. Out of the list I made, I chose my top three as responsibility, Calmness and reason. But I think these were in response to the chaos that was my ex wife, and the chaos I inflicted on her. Others on my list, that I felt were lower, included intimacy, Calmness, wisdom and respect.
Hell yes we need more masculinity! Clear direct communication live life from a code that is your North star. Don't fight because you hate what is in front of you but because you love what is behind you. Being the leader means that she can trust that you will make decisions beast for the shared love and time your life share because most true is men who live from the principal of lead follow or get the hell out of the way. Truth is a woman does not need a man to take care of her in the modern world but still craving what her biological drive tells her that she needs a man to take care of her in the time of stress like having children and bringing them through the hard times and Celebrate the good things together being a man in the world today does not mean being the bred Winer but showing that you can love from a place in you that brings lasting trust the we together are the legacy of what humans are at our core! Gentlemen take her hand and love with a lion Hart
Sounds like you are all in favor of this approach! How are you doing with living it out in your life?
Pretty good I know I could have a woman that is loving respect me and knows I am a person that lives from his principles I would love to see one of your videos on integrity thank you for your time Adam I feel like I should call you doctor out of respect
I'm having trouble rn with my boyfriend smoking weed. When he smokes he becomes very passive, agreeable, carefree and submissive. I notice the energy shift where I need to step up and make shit happen and do all the chores and take the lead and make the decisions. It makes me very aggressive also because I hate being stressed with assuming the role of a masculine man. I wish my boyfriend would start honouring himself as a man and step up, it is an honour to be a man and he is wasting that. I am submissive, I will not take care of him like he wants.
How often is he smoking?
Well, thanks for describing me for half an hour, bud
Cant find the video on male bonding
The one about male friendships, or the one about vasopressin?
Ur brain reinforces any behavior. Why as i get older i see men and women get more paranoid or anxiety anger ect. Fake it till u make it works with confidence. If u say and work for a few months u can on any negative mental health get better. If u label ur self people conform to the narrative u see ur self as. So be positive no matter what. And nicely say no if u dont agree.
Patterns do build over time, so long as they get reinforced with positive feedback. So making sure you're around the right people who will reward this kind of honesty by reciprocating, that's helpful
the problem is the female counter part are not showing their true self even when you are. So when you go and honestly ask them about it, they give you excuses. You need to find someone that is also secure and is not afraid but then 90% of the women are already screwed up by the previous BF and now you're here trying to pick up scraps to fix it.
What you've said here is that 10% of women are probably your target audience and won't have that kind of baggage. What are you doing to better filter for that 10%?
@@AttachmentAdam That's a good question, so far everyone ive dated have been messed up by their previous relationships. Hell, even my female friends ive known and met has somehow been screwed by their bf in some sort of way. If you've got a good video to assist, that'd be great lol.
By modern dating word you are speaking about stats in the USA only?
And many western countries, yes. Are you thinking of somewhere else?
Do you have a brother?? Well age-wise might have to be an uncle. Lol 😂
But Oh my gosh, as a woman this is what I long for in a partner. Definitely having my son watch this. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your feedback and for sharing this with your son. Always happy to help!
How to be safe and protective if literally everyone and every aspect of life bite your ass? I really appreciate your work, but I don't see how this model of masculinity could be applied in real life. It assumes people have good intentions and the environment is at least ok. If I don't see something, please tell me.
Yeah, it seems to me that many women want to tear down authentic masculine men or at least compete and try to out man men.
People with bad intentions; trying to control others, may be avoidant. And assuming other people have bad intentions is also avoidant (ask how I know lmaoo) we have to remember that most people are not out to get you or get things from you.
This can definitely be the case if you're surrounded by unhealthy people who want power and control. The goal here is to also get yourself to a place where you are filtering out those people while attracting healthier people who are going to work more cooperatively with you. That takes a lot more work in secure attachment areas.
Join the attachment circle it’s a great Community 🎉 more info like this
Thank you so much for this. How long have you been part of the community?