How to Stop Seeking External Validation
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 1. 03. 2020
- Let's get off the external validation-seeking train...ya?
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// F O L L O W
âžWebsite: www.kajalpandey.com
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// A B O U T
Hi, I'm Kajal, a certified transformational coach & intuitive guide. This channel is dedicated to helping raise consciousness, heal your relationship with yourSelf and be sovereign and free in who you are. Join me for the unlearning and remembrance journey.
đïž Work with me: www.kajalpandey.com/coaching
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Keywords: #validationseeking #selflove #ownwhoyouare
if you're not validating yourself, you are criticizing yourself.. speak it!! I did not realize I've been living in constant self criticism and couldn't understand why my self perception was so low. Thank you for this video it was so helpful. You are GORGEOUS by the way, need a skin care life coach video lol
Than you! I have do a skin care video from a few years ago; however, it still is relevant :) czcams.com/video/yCp_EVYP3SU/video.html
Woow that's true I didnt catch that one: "if ur not validating urself, it criticizing urself"đ
This goes for people who are dealing with psychological trauma. If you seek external validation youâll run the risk of getting invalidated and then salt enters the wounds.
If you are not validating yourself you are criticizing yourself! I desire to take better care of myself!
You have to know yourself very well, inside and out, then after you donât really need validation
You seek validation from others because you have the belief that you have no value. Change that belief and your craving for others' validation will disappear.
External Validation was what I subscribed to as a kid, and I never felt like I got it from my family much, so it was always my teachers or friends that filled that void in my life, now that I'm alone with my family 24/7, it's a much bigger struggle than I could have ever imagined
It's time get to know yourself and build that relationship with yourself like you were your best friend. x
Wow what an amazing realization I had from this video. Recognizing that the idea of my lack of value stems from my parents and how they may not have recognized or needed the value I have. Powerful because it allows you to take back my own power. Itâs all just conditioning. We are born so valuable and capable. I love it!! You are a blessing in this world. Keep sharing!
My aaha moment was when you said honesty as one of the intrinsic gifts. I always thought only skills were gifts. But this makes sense. I feel so much better learning this. thank you
Second aaha moment was when you said when PPL don't value ur intrinsic gifts you feel unvaluable and long to feel the way you want to. This has nothing to do with our self worth, we just need to find PPL who find our intrinsic gifts valuable. For that we have to see our intrinsic gifts, try to recognise them, if they are not valued in our community reach for a new community, validate them.
Thank you!!
You've spoken to me. I really was born in a family that doesn't appreciate my talents but wants me to be someone else. Thanks
The part that stood out to me is the example about being honest. Just because those around you donât value honesty does not mean it does not have value. Start seeking people and places that value what you have to offer and what is important to you. Instead of trying to change yourself to fit in to other peopleâs ideals.
So well said!
My parents also discarded what i had it in me....due to which i went searching for approval everytime n made my life miserable....probably its time to find the things we are good in and giving it a chance
Exactly, time to come home to yourself. xx
Great video! I like the way you phrased that parents didnât need oneâs gift. Thinking that way takes away a large amount of the anger and frustration from being devalued as child and opens the door to compassion toward your parents because they are human too. The compassion is a more positive thought process than anger .
Yeah it doesnt feel normal/comfortable...but all this makes sense.
My takeway:
1.Start with acknowledging your belief systems & own character gifts.
2. Change ur environment to a setting where those gifts are recognized and slowly that boost of confidence will come.
3. Start cutting the middle man out. Start saying those things to urself.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and talking about this topic. Really appreciated and learned from your video. đ
Very fitting with this is the idea of quadras in socionics. The people in your quadra are more or less good at what you're not and bad at what you're good at, all while valuing the same aspects. When you meet and interact with them it feels so natural and healing đ
OMG ⊠the knowledge video gave me what Iâve been always seeking, a means to validate myself rather than rely on external, and mostly harmful, sources for validation. Thank you so much Kajal đđ May the stars always shine on you âš
Let it come from within and life will be yours
You are so on point!
This whole video has been revealing, it helped me understand self validation much better and is a part of my now playlist of mental help.
Happy to hear from you! xx
This was such an eye-opener!!!
Thank you. I've really been struggling with this.
Thank you so much, you're explanation is awesome and natural and right to the point.
This video was really helpful, thank you đđœ
Thanks so much you make a lot of sense and your a really smart person âș you helped me a lot
Itâs hard to do the whole stamp of approval for self but I can do it little by little everyday starting with the small things. I can see now where my stamp of approval comes from. I will journal on that and thank you for the video
Thank you...... It is of great help.... Got some insights about myself
Thank you so much for this!
I just need to keep conditioning my mind with affirmations and vs waiting for someone to give me the approval to feel extra special , loved this goes for close friends , family, business partners . One thing I do struggle with if you have someone who you admire or look up to but somewhere if Iâm reaching out you & clear read my msg & never respond but have time to reach out to others I try not to feel away about it does make me feel abandoned, less important at times or feel Iâm not that special to you as a person I think thatâs why I automatically reject myself the idea of not reaching out to ppl because when you expect a lot from ppl they will disappoint you so you donât want waste my time & energy
this video is so legit, it opened my eyes a lot :)
This is such a beautiful explanation
So true. :) Very nice video. đ·đčđ
Each word of yours is so relatable â€ïž
Great video. Thank you
I like your personality, "the game of mouse" lol made me chuckle
I would have just changed one thing about this video. Great great video! What I would change is that the validation one is seeking usually is commensurate with the skill, strength, gift, etc that was unnoticed and unappreciated in earlier experiences - like childhood.
You did mention that someone may not have received validation for a particular skill one had in childhood but then you mentioned that one will then seek validation from others. And you stopped there at general validation. I would just add to the end of that sentence.... validation from others FOR THAT PARTICULAR SKILL.
I hope this makes sense. Again, I really love this idea and never heard of it before and I think it'll really help me on my journey of self confidence etc . Tysm!
Itâs scary to know how much is stored deeply in our subconscious and how easily we can overlook it given itâs all we knew..
Awesome video, it was very helpful:)
Great video
Aha moment for me was cut the middle man out.. Thanks Kajal
Amazing!
Wonderful video
Cat and mouse made me laugh so hard. Great video explanation!â€ïž
This was a new perspective for me, very helpful and simple đđ
Also, you are very gorgeous!! Love your videos đđ
You're welcome! x
Nicely explained
Every woman needs this knowledge! Thankyou for taking to effort to create this for us!! âșïžđ„
Glad it was helpful!
Every human being*. :)
@@user-zu3jb9qb3r I know right? It's almost as if men and children are human beings too.
@@regulardude7961 They are. What do you mean?
@@user-zu3jb9qb3r I was agreeing with you and taking a shot at abbie tanner, who seems to only care about women.
If you are not validating yourself then you are criticising yourself. Light bulb đĄ đĄ đĄ
YES!!
I'm a little confused, I feel like I have too much self esteem and I need to become way more humble, but I also need others to give me their love and attention? I was born the youngest in my family and I think I have always wanted and kind of expected for everyone's world to rotate around me; I need their constant and total validation, all the time. I think I want to be the centre of the world and to be everyone's top priority, even if they aren't mine. For example, I want everyone in my family to have so much attention to me and comfort me (but only in the right timing about the right things, and by saying the right words) and I want everyone to see me as their number one best friend, even if they are not mine. I also don't want to sacrifice other things for other people. But I really want to change this, and I really want to be able to give to others, become self resourceful, and stop craving others constant attention and perfection.
And I feel like in some ways I do feel like I am incapable of doing things myself until someone pours their time and energy into comforting me and telling me things are okay, and I find myself saying "I just want to hear these words from someone and then I can do it" but in different scenarios sometimes I want to be left alone complexly so I can focus on my own selfish endeavours and bettering myself. I feel like I am a total attention seeker, expect perfection from myself and others, extremely selfish, and this needs to change. Can you please help me?
Cultivate self-love, start to build a relationship with you. Videos on this: czcams.com/video/X-gguIYjPpg/video.html
It's like we are the same person..
No you may have to much ego,value mean you are good enough ok can cope can do anything
I am the same person as you . Thank You for this comment becajse I was nit able to articulate exactlywhat all things I was doing.
Seeking validation comes from not knowing yourself ...
Thank you đđŒ
Thankyou so much
Thank you
Great video. very eye-opening.
ur amazing
Omg I love the way you talkâŠI was scared youâd have that Indian accent lol
Are you for real...??? You are disgusting, what a stupid comment then the juvenile "lol" at the end
Pathetic... With a name like Fatima you want to check yourself LOL!!!!
The inner conflict is that I hate my mum because I want to be loved & cherished, but she's grumpy that her gifts are not cherished, she doesn't feel worthy projecting that to me her mantra of "not enough", & that's hurt my soul. Plus I know that the right thing to do is to forgive, but I don't feel like doing that, I am in hate mood & I don't want to like or forgive her. I believe she did a horrible job and what drives me nut is that she continues to do daily, I decided one time to forgive her & I thought I did, but she continues being the emotionally immature I truly don't know how she think. I feel mad at her & sorry for myself, but at the same time I know her parent did a horrible job & she's sorry for herself. I am not excusing her behavior but pointing to the fester roots that should be healed.
Maybe I don't want to forgive because I don't feel worthy of a better life.
There are stages to healing, letting the anger and hurt be validated is important and you can take time to be with the anger/hurt/pain, and when you feel like you're ready to move towards the next step of forgiveness it will feel like a natural progression. Don't be hard on yourself and be gentle knowing that there is a lot of pain here and I am allowed to feel hurt, angry and sadness, journaling all of this will help you move through it. Sending you love! x
@@kajalspandey thank you Kajal, I will remember to be kinder to myself, I appreciate your commentđ.
I feel like I know my value or over-value myself and I have high self esteem but I just want everyone to see it and compliment me as well. Especially when I have partners, I need them to make me feel special, because I believe I am special and I have good attributes. However, if my partners just give me generic or superficial compliments constantly, I feel suffocated/unhappy. I need my partners to see how special I am and I want them to constantly come up with complimenting me in different ways. I don't know why. Maybe I'm the shallow one? Does anyone else feel the same way?
I agree. It's nice to be validated by other people, especially when you feel that way about yourself.
Thatâs where I am! I do love myself it isnât an issue of self love. I want to be valued for who I am I want to be SEEN. I feel that my current circle is ignoring me. Im posting articles that I wrote original think pieces and poems. Nobody even likes it people see what Iâm doing and ignore me. I lost 50lbs and women really backed away from me it hurt ALOT. Iâve been celibate for 2years, this is also hurting. No touch no romance. I feel like a wilted flower.
When will someone see me and value me? đą
I seem to always think of the ending applause Iâd get if I complete my health journey. I never imagine how I feel. I always think of how the world will perceive me only if I get to my goals. Instead of me doing it for myself & being proud of myself. Like right now I sitting here thinking if I should post my journey đ. Instead of me just doing it because I want too.
How you perceive yourself is what really matters, right? That becomes the basis for what you do or don't do.
I often think of myself as being very beautiful and artistically talented as well as insightful and empathetic, and I feel that I validate this to myself a lot and I feel like my parents did this too. The children around me usually validated my art but shoot on me in other ways mostly having to do with being an androgenous man who is effeminate and gay, and at the same time I feel completely fine with that and the sob story of the bullied gay is so cliche but I always felt deserving of more social recognition my entire life but this was constantly taunted in front of me but never given to me. I don't feel like I am a person who is unapproachable or mean either... I don't know what to do
Woahh đźđź
Nice.
I have a really big problem. Let me explain. I have some kind of rejection sensitive disphoria which means every time someone actually or seemingly rejects me i feel devastated. It takes me hours or even days to recover from that painful feeling. For the last 4 years it has been very rare that anyone liked me (it wasnât always this way) and i still donât know why because im giving my absolute best, learn certain behaviors that make people like me more, try to work on my fear and behavior but nothing works. In my school everyone ignores me except for one person. But seemingly one friend is not enough for me because when she is not there or hangs around with her other friends who donât like me either i feel alone again (Btw i am unable of fully trusting my only friend and some people in my family. Im always scared they would someday leave me too). Its not only the loneliness that hurts so much, its also the feeling of having failed again at something that should be easy mixed with the feeling of being unnecessary in this world. Its like i shouldnât even exist.
I know what you are probably thinking right know. Why is she doing that? She should focus on getting more confident and stop searching for approval. The thing is i tried this already and a year ago i actually made a lot of progress when it comes to accepting myself. I learned a lot about who i am and now i can say i like myself the way i am with all my strengths and weaknesses. I tried to convince myself that i donât need them, that they are not worth my time if they donât see the value in me. It didnât help. It just caused me to feel waves of hate for other people. The hate that i felt for myself before is now directed to others which doesnât make the situation any better since i somehow still want their approval. It is a real complicated situation and there are so many things i just donât understand. Like what is it about me that they donât like? Why do i need something i hate? Why are the few people in my life who accept me not enough for me? Where do the trust issues come from? Do i even really like myself or am i just lying to myself about liking myself or why doesnât it work the way it should? And why do i want other peoples approval if i have my own approval and the approval of my only friend and my family? I saw you read all the comments so i hope you can help me answer these questions. Ty for reading
Let's take another angle--planning a life based on making up for the past. Very common especially with the combative arts, MMA and the military. I know as was in the above. One thing, one very big item, that is the topic this week for my own subscribers is seeking validation from society. Nothing you do should be to achieve a social awarded round of applause. Are you pursuing something because of what others will think? And if you are this is usually because you are trying to compensate for something in your past--and usually that is trauma from others. It took me years to learn that the reason I was driven so hard in the military on a reconnaissance team was to make up for an abused past--in high school and home. I was glad I went through carrying a hundred pounds and operating in remote conditions on a small team because it gave me the strength to operate in a corrupt healthcare field today as a practitioner. But for five years in the reserves and active duty I was pursuing something for the sake of what others would think---not what I really wanted. This goes for career or any endeavor you do. As Tony Robbins says, you have to ask your "why." If you align your why to your interest base and then apply the effort--that is when you will be in alignment in your spiritual plane. And many are in a state of discontent because they are not. Hope this helps someone---Charles
I struggle with this. I've never been wanted/needed for who I am and the skillsets I have. People are frequently threatened by it. So very early I got the message it's not okay to be me. I'm not sure where to go from here.
Watch this video: czcams.com/video/bqXz_5AAPso/video.html
ur website not working
Looking for value in itself is seeking validation So why do it?
Honesty? I think everybody for the most part is honest. And if everybody has it, the value goes down... It's simple really, honesty can be valuable to have but someone who is honest isn't more valuable or anything. Something as expected for someone to have doesn't make you valuable
Thank you Kajal. Great video. One question: what do you actually do (practical tips) to provide yourself with validation? is it only affirmation and telling myself what I expect others to say when I seek validation? Thank you
The best things you can do is sit with yourself in meditation. Be with yourself. Send yourself love and acceptance when you're sitting with yourself with your eyes closed. Really feel the love and acceptance you are giving to yourself, you can even imagine or ask your higher self to come in and send you love & acceptance. Doing this brings you back in tune with your Soul and aligns your energy field.
Narcissists train their victims to do this , this is what its caused from. Self love and approval is the only way to autonomy and freedom
I think the reason why I donât give myself that validation because my mom didnât give me the amount I needed as a child and now i donât know what to do
Yes, good awareness! We often speak to ourselves the way our parents did. Begin here: how would you validate your best friend or someone you deeply loved? How would you speak, what words would you use, what would you say? Explore this and then you can use what you that on yourself. Like 1 validation a day (work your way), and just noticing how you feel when you give that to yourself. x
How do you know what you're good at or skilled at without someone telling you? How do I know Im not imagining that Im good at something?
Personally for me being good at something really comes down to how much joy it brings me and how much I genuinely want to develop and learn purely because I want to and NOT because of what it will get me. The things that you are good at or skilled at are things that you are naturally drawn to and do. It could seem really easy for you, but for another, it is not so we tend to downplay ourselves.
Do u have an app or website where like minded PPL can connect? I am having difficulty locating the part of the video where u give that info
That is no longer available. Instagram and my podast are places to connect further with me and work.
so if someone's love language is words of affirmation, does it mean that the someone is seeking external validation and has low self esteem ?
No, I don't feel this is so black and white. We all love to be affirmed no matter the self-esteem. What makes us loved is just a way that we feel seen. So if words of affirmations is what makes you feel seen by another then so be it - that is how you FEEL loved. Knowing you're loved and feeling loved are two different things.
Could you say more about what you mean at 9:08?
You are looking for others to get what you want. In doing so you are seeking external validation and dependent on others for your self-esteem. When I say cut the middle man out, stop making someone else responsible for making you feel good about yourself, making them in charge of your self-esteem. Claim that responsibility back as yours, because it is only yours. Once you start to give to yourself, what you want from others. You are truly then responsible and in charge of your self-esteem, value, worth, enoughness, etc.
The problem Iâve having is with social media. I feel alone a lot and I lean on socmed for interaction a bit. Whatâs hurting me is I notice my friends not interacting with me. Iâm writing articles and poetry sharing things and I feel purposely ignored. Iâm really struggling with this, as Iâm highly rejection sensitive. I feel invisible. I know Iâm wonderful with great things to share but I canât shake the ânobody likes meâ feelingâŠđą
Iâm 40 ⊠I feel so alone sometimes I just want someone to love me⊠to see me and choose me⊠I do love myself ⊠I donât understand where my gap is and it hurts a lot.
Your gap is the co-dependence on external validation to feel secure in yourself. This is usually coming from an unmet childhood need. The need for someone to see you and understand you - is the codependency. This is where I would look to see why you have this need and where it was unmet that you feel this way today. Again, this can bring up some intense hard emotions - and I suggest exploring this with someone you feel safe with and trust or a therapist/coach. Sending you love! x
Sending you lots of love â€ïž I feel ignored or unheard sometimes too :(
@@888engel Explore this further, why do you feel this way? How can you give to yourself what you are seeking?
I want to know, where is your born place and do you know bhojpuri language ?
Forgive me, but going off what you said about growing up, can I ask are you Muslim?
This video is amazing, but I had someone in my life, a beautiful Indian, Muslim woman, that I believe grew up in a way that her opinion or voice was irrelevant, & over time she learned to just not share her thoughts/feelings. Sadly enough becoming a very avoidant attachment style.
Thanks for your time.
I can totally relate how this game of cat and mouse being played in my life.
I have layers of trauma. I was bullied as a child because of the way I looked my skin colour, my hair, my height. I was never good enough the white people were the ones who were on top... They put me down. Lads would call me ugly they weren't just white BTW. My parents put me down my mum rejected me, and my dad was loving in his own way but he would put me down, compare me to others, Dish out corporal punishment. I never fitted in anywhere. I had step mums who were evil to me. I had to do the whole people pleasing thing with them just so they'd be nice to me. I'm a mess now as an adult. I'm surprised I'm even here. My ex abused me physically and financially and mentally. I thought I deserved it... That God was punishing me.... I felt he was better than me. I've always been dumped by friends also at school for "better" people. I struggle now to make friends, I haven't got one!!!!
When you realize from this video that you validated yourself by your test scores đ
Hmmm. So if you don't validate yourself from success, appearance or money, then what else?
@@stellagyan6942 Great question!
Not because something exists, it has value -_-
Because something exist - it has inherent value. Value is not an acquired or transactional thing - it is inherent, because all life is precious/important.
I like your message about where we put our validation. I don't think it was presented well.
Using the example of our parents and our upbringing as being the cause of not validating us isn't helpful. Its harmful. The family unit is the building block for any great society. As history shows, tearing down the family leads to a fall in any great nation. Us advanced humans in the technologically advanced 2000's are not immune to this.
Yes, sometimes parents aren't perfect; yes, they don't vailidate who we are sometimes, but they are innocent in their attempts to raise us. Who in the whole world truly can raise a child perfectly, without messing up. Our parents need forgiveness, as we ourselves would ask for it. Our society is crumbling, and will continue to crumble, from pushing the message that we do not need our parents... That we need to go away from our parents and find a new pseudofamily to fill our needs.
Maybe a different, less risky, example would get your message across better. đ Good message, but you could've presented it better.
I love how she refers to her fan base ( a source of external validation) as a tribe. Really? How am I supposed to trust what you say when you are sucking people into your tribe? your whole set up contradicts your message.
Thank you