How Narcissist/Psychopath Sees YOU (his Victim) & Why Borderlines Adore Them
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- čas přidán 8. 06. 2020
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The narcissist’s grandiosity crucially depends on co-idealization: he idealizes his partner so that he can feel idealized. If his partner is the most drop-dead gorgeous super-genius, what does it say about him that she is his and no one else’s?
Co-idealization occurs simultaneously in two spaces, one real and one imaginary. The narcissist’s pathological narcissistic space is his stomping ground: his home, church, neighborhood pub, volunteer organization, or workplace. In short: the location in which his sources of supply habitually congregate and interact to provide him with adulation and affirmation. Concurrent with this physical site, the narcissist maintains a shared fantasy space within which he idealizes both himself and his intimate mate.
When the narcissist is forced to return to reality, when he is brutally awakened and decompensates (his defenses crumble), he usually does so by having been narcissistically injured or even mortified. He then devalues the fount of hurt and frustration. He uses the infantile splitting defense mechanism to render his partner the polar opposite of her erstwhile idealized version.
But, exactly as idealizing the partner resulted in self-idealization, devaluing her results in self-devaluation (“how could I have been so stupid and blind and gullible and wrong and fallible to not see how inferior she is”). To avoid this excruciating outcome, the narcissist engenders an external mortification (“she is an evil, dumb, psychopathic bitch and I must punish her”) and immediately embarks on a new round of co-idealization with the next available and willing victim.
"If he's too good to be true he's a psychopath" lol I love this.
Truth
Yes, so true 😔
yes always remember if something seems to good to be true?!......... then theres a good chance it IS too good to be true !!! ........caution
I'm scared to date ....
He mirrored me, all my wants and needs, even desires i didn't know i had. But he couldn't keep up with those needs and wants. His mask slowly slipped bit by bit, until it was apparent that he was a fraud.
When I think about dating again, I turn on Sam’s videos then I remember... nope! ♥️
Thank you ... I guess (laughing hard)
Me too ...to much trouble !!
Me too, not just dating but making close friends, too. NPD is a spiritual attack on kind, empathetic people. NPDs are demons - not human, anyway.
Same here!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩😄
This is so spot on , my ex sometimes was so clever and yet so stupid at the same time , it is a very bizarre situation , a little boy stuck in a mans body .
I know how you feel. I apologize that you had to endure that experience.
YESSSSS!!!!!!!
The psychopath is like an animal, the predator type. You may to be becareful with interacting too much with narcarcist or psychopath. It is like a disease, the mental type, you may get mentally infected or influence and didn't even know it. very frightening.
@@AnhNguyen-hn9vj I left a toxic job after I found myself behaving in ways that were not up to my own standards.
@@onemightyandstrong8293 you welcome
Ok I was a very happy, successful, well functioning adult woman going through an amicable divorce when I met a malignant narcissist at a divorce support group for children, (I had two little ones at the time). He showed up with his daughter, (the only guy in the group), looking like a lost puppy telling everyone how mean his ex-wife was to abandon him and his little girl. I felt SO bad for him and he kept telling me how amazing I was to handle divorce so well when he was just falling apart and could I please help him! I fell for it and let me tell you, within a year I was acting like a raging co-dependent borderline. These men MAKE YOU MENTALLY ILL. They absolutely find strong, caring, giving, understanding women and EMOTIONALLY DESTROY THEM.
The female equivalents do the same for many men.
We learn though, not to be gullible.
As soon as my husband realized I no longer believed in his delusion of himself, he found a girlfriend.
Me2
@@angelicarosewinters4253
QQ
Yes! Once I was not seeing him as my hero anymore - he found someone new who did.
I broke up with mine, and thought (but haven't said - yet - depends on if he tries to Hoover me back) - "Just think of it this way, [ex]. Now you no longer have to lie and pretend that you are available to all those women you lust after."
That late?
Little wonder I Iost my sanity during periods of my life where I was surrounded by narcissists.
I had 3 full-blown mental breakdowns during 3.5 yrs with Narc. So good to be away from that insanity.
@@inpursuitofhappiness9441 Oh, I'm so sorry. I also had several full blown mental breakdowns. Completely lost it.
😢. Relatable. I relate it to CPU processing and the bill after a meal. We are stuck holding to so many open tabs, our memory is tampered and our emotional bank is drainned as well. Hope you all are well.
@@LiveFaustDieJung Yes! Free, healed (well, almost :)) and on to a better life. Take care.
Absolutely.
As a borderline, your videos remind me to not date. Not only am I drawn to narcissists and sociopaths but I also do not have the appropriate neurotypical defenses in order to protect myself appropriately from the subsequent enmeshment.
Don’t be weak and let that shit control you. I have BPD too and yea it’s tuff but with therapy it does get better. I’ve been in an amazing healthy relationship for a very long time now. Don’t let it define you.
The narcissist misjudges everything in his chaotic mind
Yeah even being dumped.
It’s always about themselves too
100%
@@josuemc93 Always! Even my fathers received death! Are you kidding me? Sorry for your loss but I've had a few bad things happening too 👏 Classic!
Brilliant explanation of a very complex animal 👏🏽 i now can see why people prefer to stay single and cohabitate with their dogs or cats instead of dating 🤣
Dating is a nightmare even when it's not a narcissist etc 🤣
Animals are genuine.
With them there is no mucking around with pathetic mind games.
Grateful to be single. In hindsight, I dodged a few bullets in my twenties and very thankful to not have pursued those relationships any further than I did.
Couldn't imagine having a child with a Narc and having to deal with all of their narcissistic, crazy making, family members.
I'd rather have a Labrador retriever any day of the week.
yep. All those so-called crazy cat ladies are onto something
yes i,v never been abused by my cat s and dogs .
Divorcing a malignant narc/sociopathic traits as we speak after being with him for 25 years. At the end, I was a complete shell of a person. I saw how he got off on my pain, tears and heartbreak. Anytime I was having a good day or in a good mood, he did what he could to burst my balloon and then it was like he was walking on air?! I NEVER understood that!! It took me 25 yrs to figure out what I was truly dealing with. He is a raging alcoholic & got diagnosed with Bipolar. I just chalked it up to that. I felt I couldn't leave him with a clear conscious because he is sick & these issues can be treated & helped. I put so much love, energy & tears into our life & family, too much invested to walk away. Know I have all the information and it was dire & bleak. He discarded me for a friend of mine. Who is also his own cousin & the wife of his best friend. It was a traumatizing, violent, cruel discard. I watch any video or read any article I can to help educate myself so I NEVER get sucked in by one ever again. Thank you for your knowledge!
@@soultosoul6645 they love to isolate us and eventually we aide in isolating ourselves as well, sadly. This is what started his discard, I made an ultimatum and threatened to leave for good if he didn't get help by a psychiatrist and therapy. He despised me for it, but set up an appointment. Then he started spending more time at his best friends house to the point of not even coming home. Found out he was grooming the best friend's wife, who is the malignant's own cousin! Also found out he had an affair with my gay nephew!! It disgusts me and angers me to the core. It proves how sick, perverse & disordered he really is. It was a very traumatic, dramatic, cruel & tortured summer. I finally found the answer of his issue, NPD!! I dont think I'll ever heal completely from the years of being married to him and the final discard was almost worse than all the years in the marriage. I hope things get better for you. Wish I knew about these kinds of people 20+ years ago, how different my life would be.
Yes they even like to see your confusion and bewilderment or shock when you are trying to understand their actions or words.
It's that WTF moment ....you are stunned
@@pisces_chick2511 Forgive yourself for not knowing. You were confused and experienced constant stress and brain fog to even know what was going on.
For most of us, we were set up from childhood by narc parents so we grow up not knowing that this is actually a mental illness.
These women go in depth about NPD:
*Kim Saed
*Lisa A Romano
*Dr Carmen Bryant
*Helen Sadler Destiny Helper
They're all on CZcams. You will completely heal. Do not underestimate the magic within you. Everything you need, hope, determination, strength, discernment etc can all be found within you and nowhere else.
You will make a full recovery. Believe in yourself. What have you got to lose?
Here is a website that may help with some ideas and information.
www.anniewrightpsychotherapy.com/how-to-recover-from-growing-up-with-a-narcissistic-parent/
I think this experience has taught all of us women to never ignore the red flags, listen to our intuition, and to have self respect for ourselves and our bodies.
Be well beautiful.
Happy for you and glad you're getting out ❤
@@bestlife9027 Just curious. Why would you be on someone's channel advertising/promoting other people's channels? So many times I've seen CZcamsrs ask people to desist from doing that in their comments section......
There are so many variations of this kind of behaviour in the world around us, one wonders if there is anyone who is, actually, completely normal...? There are so many victims of our broken society out there....
Your work is intriguing and your research is like no other I have seen.
Please direct me to your research you have written and your favorite research articles and journals on the narcissist.
@@cecilycornishphdleadership9658 try 'The Little Shaman Healing' channel. She is the BEST.
I was just wondering this myself...
There exist people who you like but you can only spot them when you're vibrating higher
I could have listened to another 2 hours of this...extremely interesting.
Didn’t want it to end
I don't like to admit it but he sounds extremely clever and to the point, I understand why he feels like a narcist in a way, he must have high IQ, but I am afraid saying that I just support his narcissism even more, anyway I think there are narcists who are not that special
Fucking excellent. Thank you.
Thanks...I'm about to have a showdown with one ... can't wait
CricketMcCrickets : me too, is it litigious? wish us both well.
I grew up in a tight religious family with a narcissistic father and probably a borderline mother. My two sisters and I have inherited a lot from our parents violent relationship. Sam Vaknin is helping me a lot about my childhood and my mental illness that produced a lot of suffering. Now I'm becoming more aware and am on the way of healing myself and my relationships. Thank you for what you do despite all criticism.
I love how you said that narcissism is a post traumatic state. As I have been recovering and healing from my ex husband, who I believe was a narcissist, I have actually recognized some narcissistic behaviors that I was participating in.
@S B Agreed. However I have learned and experienced it goes up a few levels....to narcissistic plots, thoughts and actions that we never dreamed of entertaining/deploying deeds on the sinister side...stuff we never dreamed we'd think or do if with these folks long enough. If you say " no way, not me " just give it 20-30 years and you'll floor yourself. Not proud, just keeping it real.
@@mimib6893 keeping it real. Same here.
@@mimib6893 Explains why their partner whom became an ex projected their anger amd frustrations onto me rather than the partner. Long story short; I was never attracted to the narcissist, the partner saw me as a threat despite one on one reassurances, despite harsh rejections to narcissist. In the end, I was STILL the bad guy. I was just a friend who went out of the way to cease communications for the sake of their relationship and the narcissist manipulated the partner.
Me too. I'm thankful for that though, because now I can make better choices. I don't want to be anything like the narcs in my life and I was horrified to realize I had taken on a few traits. No more!
@Harry Balls We absorb the energy when we are gaslit for so long. The traits. We are reactive. Do not judge yourself. Purge it out. You’re strong AF.
I have a friend who is a borderline and only married and dated narcissists. Three failed marriages. Now dating another narcissist 🤦🏻♀️. This video is spot on!
Im a borderline. I can tell you from experience part of it is that we enjoy hurting narcissists. No one Can hurt a narcissist like a borderline. I was equally abusive to all my narc exes. And they wouldn’t ever leave. Trust me, narcs deserve all the abuse they get and more.
chill yo why you abusing abusers?@@TheIsraelProphetess
@@TheIsraelProphetesswho cares what you think ?!?!? 😂
Lighten up a little
I was dating a narc for 3 years. I don't think I stopped being abusive, I just held back. When she told me she cehated on me, I made sure to make her life a living hell. It comes from when I was abused by my narc mother.
Narcs often have borderlines for children@@TheIsraelProphetess
@@tonyarvanitakis6457 no one cares about you to little joke , you breathe weakness
Yes, in my experience many narcissists are self aware. Problem is, they're missing the narcissist word. So they proclaim that they are "misunderstood" or "something may be wrong with me" etc. Of course, the blame is squarely on the victim.
My ex; "With my psychology" or "Maybe I can start seeing someone to find out if something really is wrong with me" or "Sometimes I think I am schizophrenic, but know I shouldn't tell anyone." She would tell on herself at these really bizarre times, like out of nowhere, but then deny it if I brought it up.
Which is the narc ironically
@Sia I was told "stop twisting my words" over and over. I get that it's a disorder but I still find it bizarre that narcissists all uses the same phrases.
@Sia yes, all narcissists I've known have been highly emotionally abusive. Physical - not so much, although my health has been very badly affected. Have you escaped the narcissist yet?
Yes, ex said a few times "Everyone is trying to make me think that I'm crazy...and make me feel like maybe I am...but Nah, now I see that ya'll are the crazy ones."
This is crazy. I've dated one of each lol. I'm almost too scared to even date again. I'm into this one guy and he seems so laid back and normal and sane and emotionally intelligent and smart and I just can't do it. I don't know. I can't deal with any more crazy.
Watch the vid about trusting again.
@@samvaknin I will! It's wonderful to know that you are reading these comments.
I have BPD and I’ve studied it ever since I found out I had it. But this is one of the best explanations of BPD I think I’ve ever heard because I know I cycle through a bunch of different “masks” and feel like I have no control over them. I can be ruthless, I am mostly kind, but in the blink of an eye be cold and ruthless. I’ve never understood why, and it does make me feel safe. It’s also funny how you mentioned the power because at times my BPD does make me feel powerful and invincible. Now that I’m self aware though, I do my very best not to manipulate people. Thank you for this video it was eye opening for my own experience of BPD.
Yes! I never understood that ‘switch’ that tends to happen when I split. It’s honestly why I always suspected something was ‘wrong’.
I truly believe my mother has BPD. She’s 75 and I’m 54.
Should I tell her that I believe she has this?
@@nealiecruz2532don’t tell her. There’s no one there. My mom has BPD too. They are truly dead inside like a ghost, just a false persona. So painful when it’s your mom
I understand you!
Well explained, Most pshycologists cant even begin to understand this, let alone explain this.
@@joeygreathouse3029 Thats with every profession.Its our own responsibility to find the right one.
True
Mr Sam Vaknin! One of the best teacher of all time👏🏾👏🏾 We learn and grow with knowledge.
Yes! Watching my mildly BPD partner switch from a sweet, passive personality to a smirking, cheating, abandoning identity was disconcerting, like witnessing a multiple personality. Her crisis counselor warned me about entering into a relationship with her (right in front of her too) but being a groomed 'Designated Rescuer' at the time, I dove in anyway, LoL. Great masterclass(es), Sam. Thank you!
I had a best friend like this. It was scary because she had no boundaries and would think she was constantly welcome at my home without asking and I would never know which side I would see. Some days it was a super submissive victim side then the smirky, laugh in your face, abusive, harassing side. So relieved this person is out of my life.
@@coldcloakmusic6630 > Yeah, those bad boundaries and intense mood swings are scary and can be dangerous. I'll always like how this gal could be but at some point she wanted to triangulate me with her ex then tried to convince me that she was manic. But having been raised next to a non-medicated schizophrenic relative and lived with a wonderful lady that sometimes wrestled with Bipolar 1, I saw this likely was not mania and I won't tolerate triangulation so, no-contact it is.
With her previous and now current (all over again) partner, she'd feigned suicide multiple times. I mistakenly thought she was a severely abused partner and she did maintain a steady persona for several years until... ugh... back to her BPD/NPD dance. Oh well, onward minus the surplus drama. No offense to anyone.
@@coldcloakmusic6630 THIS!!!! This perfectly described a lady I befriended in my neighborhood and only after a year in a half we no longer speak.
Yes. My Ex GF was a master of hiding who she really was away from me. She told me silly lies such as enjoying going to the bars for just the music 😒 and making me believe I was the best and only guy for her. Thank God I am single.
Now you can heal your tendency to rescue people, if it's not your job and listen to professional peoples warnings. Love doesn't cure everything.
I have had a male friend who lived almost six months at my apartment after trying to rescue his BDP girlfriend. He was broken, depressed, lost his former career etc and in therapy to heal.
At one point I asked him why he got stuck after her first switch and him lying on the floor in fetus pose, crying and asking her to stop screaming and insulting him and he said, I wanted to rescue her. 💔
It's so sad, because it is such a genuine pro-social trait and he's such a nice guy. But if you lie on the floor crying, you have to take yourself first.
Bottom line: psychopaths, sociopaths, borderliners, narcs...are all attracted to each other. You have to have some sort of childhood trauma or unresolved PTSD issues to magnetically be pulled to one another. And that is the most painful truth to acknowledge and realize the unhealthy patterns that keep repeating like a neverending dejavu.
They all attracts codependents
I'm not sure if they always attract others like themselves romantically though. I don't see how that makes sense. Wouldn't they want someone whom they suspect is naive and unaware of this "chess game" that's about to be played. I suspect they usually want someone who's easy to manipulate, someone with increased amounts of empathy, maybe some low self esteem and childhood traumas, sure. But I think it's important to note that childhood trauma, neglect and even abuse does not always equate to someone turning into a narcissist, sociopath etc. Some people never develop the ability to stand up for themselves and to have any standards for how they wish to be treated by others and that is their results from their childhood trauma. I suspect these individuals are perfect targets who are easy to control and manipulate.
@@amyb7823that’s where BPD and co-dependents get involved.
Someone healthy (in general) will be able to feel what is happening and will either run away or be able to defend themselves.
There are notable exceptions for those particularly naive or those trapped in environments where they can’t escape. Like kids.
Even asked to submitted on the dayly life to him...wow...For real
Isn’t this all people?
Hi,
I have borderline. My parents were narcissists. My 3 ex boyfriends were narcissist because I pick what I'm used to. I came here to stop that and to understand and to heal.
Borderline is probibly what happen when someone are narcissisticly abused all life. By the way - when I figured my dad out 2 years ago and told him it's not me and everybody else who are deffect, it's him, and listed all what he had done in a letter as a reminder to him, he got diagnosed with a brain tumor shortly after and died. Probably because he couldn't stand the reality. On his death bed he still abused me verbally in front of the whole family, the other patiants and the nurses. He unfortunately didn't changed even with a brain tumor and he never had an insight of regret even when in front of God in his last moments on his death bed. Then he passed away. Once a narcissist always a narcissist.
Now I will keep on listening to your speech about me as a borderline and learn how to process the narcissists who "gave" me my personality disorder. I aim to heal. Let's hear about them and myself :-)
Thank you so much. I’m a life long victim of narc abuse. I continued to date and befriend narcs by choice. You just made me realize that a man who almost destroyed me who I thought was a narc is a psychopath. It all makes sense now. Like you said he was perfect he was me. Definitely stalked me I now live in a different continent for my safety. God bless you, you are doing gods work ! Please keep doing what you are doing
You can run, but you can't hide. Get your heart right with God and through His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, you will find true love and true freedom.❤
@@barbarabarnes4398 why would you say “you can run but you can hide” to some that was in an abusive relationship that is now hiding in a different continent for her safety? That’s messed up and sounds heartless. You can push your religion on whoever you’d like (even though it’s rude) but leave out the comment about not being able to hide.
@@barbarabarnes4398 I think you mean well, but...JEEZ.
@@BrookeKatherine. well said.x
You are a genius at this. I have found this very healing and realise I am 100% a narcissist and was recently with the exact definition of a BPD woman. I still miss her but know I cannot be with her
Psychopath seems like a good match for a narcissist.
Sam , you hold your audience captive . Really good at what you do . Educated and honest . Too many bullshit guru self made “Life coaches “ online anymore. Confusing and misguiding people.
My head is still spinning from what just happened to me for a whole year. I cant get the phrase out of my mind that he repeated several times towards the end "Im very good at what I do." He told me I was preyed upon and hes very aware of his deceptions. Im not if he's a narc + plus sociopath or psycopath but based upon his idealization of murder (always joking about it, pretending it, etc) I feel hes a sociopath or psycopath and I wonder if hes hurt someone before or if I was in danger. Either way it was mentla torture. At the end he wanted to convince me how bad he was because he was discarding me and I wouldn't stop believing in the nice good church guy I first met. He finally had to yell at me "that guy is not coming back! I'm a snake! I've always been a snake!"
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m there now
Geez yelled at you not even on a first date. Can you imagine what he is in 1 month or 2 weeks from now...HERESSSS JOHNY. o shit run.
P.S. i was with a wife for 5 years i stayed so long for my daughter now shes turning 5 and i havent seen her for a year if my daughter is not a narcissistic in nature she will gather traits from her mother indirectly out of habit if that makes cents. My poor chicken little in mexico..
Christina:.
So sorry to hear about your terrible experience. Hope you are away from him and are healing. This video is totally on an intellectual plane, but that only answers PART of the problem. Humans are made in the image and likeness of God, therefore, we consist of a mind, body and soul. Sam is only telling part of the story -- the mental part. These people are also very, very, spiritually sick. So much so, I would say it would be wise to consult a good spiritual director. Read Dr. F. Scott Pecks books (who wrote The Road Less Traveled). He's a psychiatrist and does address the spiritual side of life. But be very careful of who and what kind of spiritual advice you seek. It can be deceiving.
Projection !!! if someone tells you who they are believe them !!
I need to watch and re-watch this a bunch of times. So much therapy packed in 48 min. My borderline girl that just monkey branched me for either a narcissist and/or psychopath that's love bombing her, mirroring her doing everything that i didn't in just 2 weeks, etc. Very painful for me... Thanks for posting this great, informative video...
Thank you Sam for pointing me in the right direction. I had been trying to figure out a problem for years (decades), and you nailed it with your description of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Fascinating stuff Sam. It clearly makes sense the way you explain things.
Wow this was so enlightening. Amazing information and amazing delivery with the words, Professor.
This is super insightful. Knowing the difference and how they think really made me pinpoint some people in my life. Thank you
I've always wondered the distinct differences between the two. I love this thoroughly explanatory video.
Your attention and follow through on the detail has me so thankful to have truth, instead of the demonizing the thereby relieving the rumination
This was great! Every person should watch these. These people are out there!
Wow! Thank you! I thought I'd only watch 5 minutes but watched the whole thing and was hooked the whole time. I've subscribed
Wow, just wow! I watched this video several times, gaining deeper insight, guidance and clarity. I am so grateful for your work, Dr. Vaknin. I have closure, and therefore, direction where I need it. Best wishes and prayers for you and your wife for continued strength and inspiration! Your work is beyond valuable.
Fascinating facts!!! I’m blown away
I was barely blinking and rewinding so much i can see the connection and by living it I can definitely say your on point. As always thank you for the great content
You explain these things so throughly and it’s incredibly helpful. My mother is probably a covert narcissist and I’m trying to figure out if I have picked up narcissistic traits or if I have become one completely. This has helped me understand her a little better and that the feeling that she doesn’t truly feel anything for me isn’t something that I imagined. I actually think my father is one as well but he was different because he was more classic grandiose narcissist and I cut him off completely much sooner. Now I’m finally at the sad place where I must cut her off too. I have been observing her for a few months now and how she interacts with people and it is heartbreaking to me that all of it is a fantasy to get something. I wish she wasn’t empty and I wonder what trauma happened to her as a child to make her this way. One time my Aunt said that my grandmother was definitely one but my mother acts like she was perfect. Your other lecture on narcissists was a turning point in how I understand my life and the people around me. Thank you for making these videos they really help people.
Briliant, amazing explanation.
I was raised by a narcissitic father and an emotionally absent mother. And it really spoke to me about how twisted my family dynamic really was and is.
It felt so frustrating and madening when I wad dehumanized and treated like a rug because the manipulation and lies were so much.
This is the best explanation on the differences between narcissism and psychopathy. I am very grateful for such a distinction finally.
I've been learning from your blogs & videos now since 2001. Always focused, clear and revealing.
Thank you, once again, for a fascinating presentation. Very informative!
Your knowledge on this subject is incredible, thank you for putting these videos out.
It's a brilliant counterweight to the frivolous, moralistic information on narcissism and psychopathy that seems to dominate mainstream discourse.
Rewatching this one today, always learning more when I review these videos, thx Vaknin
I have recently discovered the professor through an interview with Daria Zukowska :) .. now I watch all of you and I am very grateful for each video that explains the aspects of personality disorders and the whole range of these interdependent ones. one thing is certain, no matter how long the contact with a narcissist, or a few months or a few years, they can wreak havoc and chaos from which it takes a long way to reassemble.
I just finished listening to your extremely interesting, and honestly quite frightening descriptions and differences concerning the mind boggling disorders of psychopaths, narcissists & borderline personalities. I've UNFORTUNATELY been entangled with this man over 7 yrs at this point! After our 'twin flame'..or whatever kind of crazy attraction that seemed to draw us together, and he moved in with me with supposed intentions of starting a life together and making plans for the future..my already complicated life began to take on nightmarish new levels of CRAZY that finally had me researching multiple personality disorders because, and I might add I had begun re- naming him in kind of a joking way to express or describe some of his ever changing attitudes and behaviors/personalities. OMG!! I had no idea what kind of a tumultuous frustrating confusing, DANGEROUS & life-changing path I was putting myself on. I'm absolutely exhausted!
Today is Christmas Day 2020 and I have somewhere to be and I'm always running behind, but it would be wonderful to be able to talk to someone with the knowledge that you have to help me! To maybe get some answers or more information because I'm clearly not handling any of his personalities correctly. And of course I've never met anyone like that so I was treating him and his moods and behaviors trying to apply logic, some kind of understanding, a lot of empathy, and the belief that he must have had a horrible lies and childhood him something must have damaged him horribly and if someone just loved him enough (me), that I good help make him am a happier, more trusting & confident, less angry/suspicious calmer person. Because in this video he absolutely came more closely to identifying with your third choice of multiple personality disorder but he also identifies with narcissistic personality disorder and Psychopath! I thought he was a narcissist after endless research online! It's been a push-pull boomerang 'I love you I hate you' nightmare. He's also extremely dangerous! I have so far escaped extreme injury but only from years and years of past experience with my husband that drowned in 2007.
anyway if you'd like to get in touch with me or have a way to reach me so I can reach you would you mind putting your email address I'm here where I can be notified I started to put mine on here and that wouldn't be very smart at all🙄! I'm so happy I happen to run across your video today everything happens for a reason I guess. Merry Christmas to you!
Thank you for elaborating on the intense complexity of borderlines. My mom lived with this all her life and only got effective help late in life. She was also highly intelligent (genius runs in that part of our family). She liked my narcissistic father because he was exciting. It was undescribable hell growing up in that combination. My only salvation was my grandfather often taking me and sister away for weekends and spending time with us. He knew something wasn't right and tried to compassionately offset the harshness.
I’m so sorry. I feel like that is exactly like myself husband and our son. I can tell it’s affecting him. I snapped and left yesterday because my husband got mad at me for taking longer than 15 min to return his calls. I have not left the house like that in over 10 years. I walked 10 miles sobbing in freezing rain to my parents. I know that itself was traumatic to him. I told him I wasn’t leaving his life and we would still love him exactly the same. I just hope we can become better people because he way we are was just as traumatic for him and I hope I can be more like I was before I met my husband. Stable sweet reliable and loving. That’s the real me and I’m so sick of not being open anymore. I hope this shocks him into getting help as well he really needs it.
@@ZieSpiralOut 🍀❤️
I discovered your channel many years too late. Ive had many unsettling moments watching them. Im INFJ. Got a target on my back.
Very insightful, *frightful*, and full of so much detailed/explanatory information. Very appreciative of your videos. (ps-I must say I did like that last calling out on the ones that jump on you in their *never thought about cheating* BS and misunderstanding your conveyance. Even though I was not unfaithful, I admit there is a context to thinking about anything, especially when one realizes the depth of the reality of the nightmare; or perhaps part of my falling deeply intrinsically for this last guy, was *excitement searching* gone bad. I have to own it. Also, when I don't get it the first go around, from either being interrupted, distracted, or not comprehending; I rewind/replay, as there are a lot of nuances to your detailed examples. I would rather the detail than lack of it and thank you, again.)
You are wonderful. I have read listen and also know your book many years a go. And you are one of the few professionals who explain it and helps widely.......thank you. You are a blessing.
Wow wow wow..just fantastic..would love to know more about a covert narcissist with griving not just the parents but siblings thank you Sam
Sam Vaknin please never stop supplying us with such extreme erudition!🎇🌅
W0w! I needed a very intelligent person with research to come through my scrolling! Thank you so much for using your intelligence in a wise way!!! Thank you!!!
I felt joy and laughed for the first time today, it is nearly midnight, at 8 minutes in, borderline being failed narcissism, absolutely brilliant!
Perfect. this is a brilliant explanation of what is a very confusing experience. Thank you.
Dr. Vaknin,
Thank you always for your professionalism and for your insight. You have also displayed a sense of humor.
(:
Honestly one of the best videos ive seen. I struggle to express how useful this has been.
This is incredibly true to my borderline personality and my x narcissist, and all my relationship with narcissist. I learned so much thank you!
This is wonderful, Dr. Vaknin! Could you do a similar video on a cerebral, vulnerable, covert narcissist? Thank you for all that you do!
My therapist said it's a red flag when someone refers to her/himself as an empath. She said it's almost always BPD because we can read a room and gage other's emotions for self preservation.
I agree
@@Afarmer690 agreed. I have cptsd and am definitely not suffering from bpd. I describe myself as an empath
OH MY GOD. YESSSS!! This is exactly what the demon said, almost in a self bragging, humble-pompous way; “I’m an empath.” With a maniacal grin.
Yea same. Growing up I learned to read a room and people at a very young age. It was a defense mechanism that turned out to be a "gift " /burden . I Empathize with people and put myself in others shoes. But I don't like to claim that I'm empath. Just sounds arrogant and egotistical. Lol but I do believe it's a real thing and experience.
@@kimkeck6266 I've taken the test. First time I took it said I was an infj. I took a few weeks after it said infp. I'm not sure but from what I've read I think I'm probably closer to infp.
Loved that. Can see so much in the explanations.
This video is amazing, so much knowledge. Thank you for sharing this Sam. It’s helped me understand on a different level that I can’t quite put into words. Thank you
Fascinating. Thank you for your insight.
Brilliantly described. Thank you!
Cute baby
Thank you Sam. 2 years ago you’ve seriously helped me understand and be aware of what was going on.Get out before I was totally crucified!! Work on me on my shadow!! I have experienced narcissistic all mental illness from family’s friends especially partners. It took me 22 years to understand that some were just born like that! I am always listening and observing carefully words actions patterns!!
much gratitude for your transparency & offering hours of articulate and poignant clarity
social media is cluster B playground!!
samvak.tripod.com/journal67.html
Wow! That was eye opening. I was raised by two narcissistic parents and I picked up traits. I've never been diagnosed with narcissistic but i do have the capacity to feel empathy. My boyfriend has BPD and we fit like a glove! You described our relationship. Thank you doctor. Appreciate it ❤
Thoroughly enjoyed listening to you. Brilliant.
Very interesting and informative clarification of the differences.
I went to a Psychiatrist today. Thank you for inspiring me, sharing with me your knowledge. I have had my own trauma, yet tired of carrying it and carrying that of my parents generational trauma. I enjoy learning about this.
Respect. ✊
The more I listen to you, the more I realize that I am probably doing as well as I can be considering, I keep listening to become more like the person that I want to be. I have nothing to measure against because of my skewed upbringing. What I learned from you is, as long as I stay in reality and I am not going to drift off into crazy making behavior. It really doesn’t matter what it’s called or what mental issues I might have, as long as I like myself and I don’t hurt others… let the rest go. Enjoy life. Thank you for your help.
I have been diagnosed with BPD and you are spot on with your assessment!😉
Alia B lol
@@kmoreland3413 yip. Me too. Stay away from them the dr said. Problem is I see them in everyone.
Have you heard of CPTSD? Many BPD diagnoses are actually CPTSD ...search Richard Grannon 🙂👍
Very very interesting way of explaining. Fascinating. USEFUL to know when amongst people. I HAD NO IDEA THESE PERSONALITIES COULD BE DESCRIBED WITH SUCH PRECISION. Now I feel I'm beginning to understand. 🤓
Thank you for distinguishing the differences in the psychopath and narcissist wow i had no idea!
Thanks for your profound insights and advice. Most professional understanding available. And all your concrete examples are truly eye-opening. Thanks for your great efforts and 👍👍👍
I can’t agree with you more. Sam truly saved my life. No therapy can ever do this. I always left thinking it was my fault and I needed to tell him my needs more thoroughly 😩
I concur 1000%
Just watched this entire video and I’ve cried throughout. I fell in love with a guy who turned out to be a narcissist as we dated for 3 years then kept talking for almost another year until he discarded me. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 17 however I have tried to outgrow many of my symptoms bc I want to be better for myself and the person I end up with. However hearing all the things about borderlines reactions really hurt bc the mental rollercoaster is so true when you’re truly rejected. I would say I’m not in it as badly. I can distinct reality from fantasy but the rage and emotions vs loss of empathy that happen when someone hurts me is very true. My narcissistic ex idealized me so much and stalked and chased me until I ended the fantasy for good with something that happened and immediately found someone else and now idealizes her over me. I am nothing to him now he despises who. I am . It turned me into the one who chased. This video has made me so aware to the narcissistic abuse I endured but tried to act like didn’t happen. And it’s also making me realize that’s why he thought I was perfect soulmate for him. Most of what you say makes so much sense. It’s quite haunting. I wonder if a narcissist can change or outgrow the disorder or someone like me with borderline. Some times I feel I have outgrown many symptoms but then other times it can be very difficult.
It’s like you are telling my exact story! A three year relationship followed by 18 months of total chaos, confusion and....hell. I’m so sorry for you - for both of us. I’m in therapy now and am discovering how my own issues contributed to this situation. I hope you are healing and finding some peace. ❤️
Run 🏃🏻♀️ my friend, run as far away from them as you can. Save yourself!
I believe that I've heard Sam say previously that narcissists do not change (like, no chance of it), but that borderlines can and typically do as they age.
You can have traits and not the full blown disorder.
The borderline part is so spot on. You are amazing.
So valuable information and knowledge. Prof. Vaknin, thank you for this channel, it helps incredibly!!!🙏💛💛💛
I have followed your channel since day 1. I really appreciate you Sam, you have taught me so much,(-I have a tendency to attract Narcs/“bad boys”. My psychologist thinks I’ve tried to receive the love and care I never received from my own father,( and I have a troubled past/an easy target I guess), but I’ve learned a lot, among other things that I’d rather fly solo than in bad company.
I owe a lot to you, 🙏-thank you!! 😊 ✨🌹✨🌹✨
Am glad you corrected the myth that these demons are not self-aware!
Amazingly accurate, thank you🌹
Thanks for this video. I've tried to explain my ex with BPD to people who have never experienced it, and from now on I will just send them this video and tell them at which point to start watching.
OMG!!! my mother has borderline personality disorder and it's the first time an analysis makes so much sense. The crisis is exactly like this and it is so abusive and horrifying. So true that she sees you as an object to eliminate!!! Plus the fantasies of grandiosity!
Sam, I have been watching you for years. I have never commented but at 27 minutes into this video I had to hit pause to give my mind a moment to finish its expansion. I have had 2 intimate relationships with what I've always assumed were narcissist. One malignant and one covert or introverted. I always suspected the malignant to be a sociopath but through all my research I could never nail it down with the explanations I found. This video put all the pieces into place for me. Your explanation of psychopath is my malignant narcissist. I haven't finish it yet so cant wait to push play again. Of course, besides researching the things that I am not that I encounter, I'm also putting a lot of time and effort into understanding what I need to fix about me in order to never attract these kind of people in my life again. Thank you for this video.
P.S. my malignant narc/psychopath actually declared "our song," to be Mirrors by Justin Timberlake lol
There’s a lot of mirroring anyways in codependency as one of deepest wound shared is the abandonment issue. In my relationship i was SEEING the mirroring whereas my Ex wasn’t at all, keeping on gaslighting and projecting. I tried my best to show him but that’s totally pointless because they’re terrified admitting what they don’t like about you - or what they attack in the other person - are traits they carry themselves (on some degrees) but refuse to see.
Thank you for your immense research and to have found a way, c.q. vocabulary to explain all this information about the behaviour about these psychological phenomenons in certain human beings.
Love it always, thank you Sam Vaknin!
This is the exact relationship I've been addicted to. Things have escalated dramatically after the fantasy stopped and I cannot remain blind to her anymore. This all rings true and the air I waste.
Great content! Yes it“s like that, I have experienced with my narcisstic father. A narcissist refers anything!!! to himself. They are not able to perceive other persons as individuals with their own values but you are just a mirror to them. Always. It“s scary and weird but it“s the truth. I asked myself if it“s more a neurobiological issue or the result of developmental-psychologically causes.
Professor Sam Vaknin, I adore you! Your knowledge and education...you have no idea how having concrete neuroscience and simply explained behavioral formulas has helped my healing process. It has truly been the foundation of my healing, and now mostly just fascination and intrest. I discovered that anyone can sit in front of you and be "emotionally supportive" and "validate your feelings" but that never satisfied me. And most people just don't actually understand and dont bother to educate themselves on anything. They go through a general crappy relationship and recognize some of the manipulative speech patterns that we all adopt from time to time, and think they know what it's like to experience "a narcissistic relationship" That is even worse for me and I feel even more discredited and invalidated. As much as they may want to be able relate and be supportive, they simply can't. It would be like trying to teach a toddler algebra and expect to walk away from the experience feeling like you've shared your complete knowledge on the subject. But you professor, you have explained these patterns and behaviors with such perfection. I was able to take actual substance, your unending knowledge and the beautiful way to express it, and I was able to give myself that validation. Thank you.I love your amazing analytical brain, your adorable sense of humor, and that smile...but mostly admire and respect your contribution to the world by becoming the expert you have. All of the behavior science breakthroughs and contributions you've made are truly breathtaking. Wikipedia says you're married lol but I find your complete and impressive knowledge, and your expression of it...sexy and captivating.
Excelent!! Thank you Mr. Vaknin!!
I listened to this intensely, over and over again only to come to one conclusion: my ex "whatever he was", is it possible that he was both? I don't see how this is possible, but I also don't see how it is impossible. He fits into both categories. He was a Chamelion. If I had not stayed away from a romantic relationship for the years that I did, to avoid such disasters, this man could have messed me up mentally for life. I didn't dodge a bullet, I dodged a cannon from which there possibly could not have been a recovery possible for me. Talk about grateful I called it off. I'm amazed at how well I did it. No bragging, just astonishment. I went with the "gut instinct"... some things were not at all as he made them out to be. Like pieces that don't fit in the puzzle. I won't return so I will never know the entire facts while I'm alive. Just bewildering.
Amazing. Insightful. Thank you. The question I come back to is for those of us who have tendencies towards these unhealthy personality traits or tendencies to enter into relationships with narcissists and malignant psychopaths (like me), what can we do to remedy our own self love issues to prevent this from happening? What are the best tools to use to achieve a “healthy and grounded personality state”?
Wow! Amazingly informative!!!
So extraordinary video and content,thank you !!
Great video as always! So much interesting things in just one video. Psychopaths and narcissists are fascinating people. Borderlines on the other hand are scary.
My god this is fascinating!!!!!
Sam Vaknin is top of the line alright in his brilliant analysis. I just went through like a year long friendship with a serious borderline personality disordered woman and he describes her note for note!! So hard to understand it when you are dealing with this kind of stuff. I really have to thank Sam for all I have heard so far!! MERCI!!!!!!!!
Dude is on point! Thanks for this!
Thank you for your existence!