Why Narcissist Devalues YOU (Hint: Wants YOU "Dead") - Binary Narcissism
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- čas přidán 6. 12. 2021
- The narcissist devalues you because you won’t freeze, play dead, and conform to your snapshot in his mind. This challenges his grandiosity and amplifies his separation insecurity (abandonment or separation anxiety).
But there is another reason: the narcissist wants you dead because he is already dead and it is lonely out there, in the void, in oblivion.
The narcissist prefers to be in dead relationships because he is utterly dead inside.
Being no more than a walking-talking corpse, the narcissist feels safe only in a cemetery.
The narcissist’s inability to give life and to partake in it is a major narcissistic injury and the fount of mortification.
So, he attempts to deaden his partner, assassinate her enthusiasm and joie de vivre, constrict her autonomy and exploratory spirit, and stunt her growth.
The narcissist is like rot or gangrene, spreading through his partner’s healthy parts until she is no more - like him, rendered an automaton with faulty programming.
One of the main vectors of attack is devaluation, both preemptive and reactive.
Narcissists transition from an overt state to a covert one via a process of collapse (systemic and prolonged failure to secure narcissistic supply).
But some narcissists remain stuck in the interim period and create a binary system: a sadistic, grandiose overt which dominates and humiliates the covert self-state, acting as a kind of harsh inner critic gone awry. More: • Overt+Covert Narcissis...
The overt subpersonality is in charge of sustaining the grandiosity cognitive distortion by interacting with potential sources of supply. But it then colludes with them and weaponizes them to further depress the covert.
Aware of the role of the overt as a fifth column or a Trojan horse, the covert pseudoidentity preemptively devalues everyone the overt is in touch with, defanging them this way and denying them the ability to cause narcissistic injury.
As distinct from reactive devaluation, the preemptive variant is solely interiorized, a part of the passive-aggressive arsenal of the covert.
The covert also easily gets bored and loses interest (decathects) in various undertakings in order to deny the overt the opportunities to be in touch with people and turn them against the covert.
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*"If people are doubting how far you can go, go so far that you can't hear them..."* If you are reading this today, I hope you have an amazing day!
❤
They always say that narcissist are males. Most women are born with narcissistic souls in our modern time.
Wow! What a nice statement... Permission to share..? I'm havin a hard time moving on as wer jst next door neighbors where relocation is not possible. My dad just gets disoriented in other places bec. he's got dementia.. You have a wonderful day too..!
Love this, and you have a good day as well.
Amen 🙏🏾
I did feel like I was starting to die in the narcissist’s hands. I was so depressed and couldn’t live my life. Just like a parasite feeds off its host, a narcissist saps the light from your soul.
Only you can break the cycle.
They are parasites ...
Same. I went from being this bright, vibrant light, to being the most depressed I’ve even felt in my life. In the end, he harmed me while pregnant and ran. He’s completely ditched his baby, hasn’t acknowledged her existence at all. Yet still claims to be a “good person”. Now he has new supply, another narc it seems… happened so “big and fast”, her very boastful of it, while I was in the middle of birthing the baby. it’s going to be disastrous, without a doubt.
My daughter is dead and I'm not really living. Stuck in survival mode forever
How did you break the cycle?
You have worded it perfecly
Remember, you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.
Love that. I’ll remember that one. ♥️👍🏼🔥
@@milena11570The WIN IS LEAVING AND NEVER LOOKING BACK. PEROID……..
These lessons will surely keep you from romanticizing any part of the relationship you “thought” you had.
it really does help keep me from falling into the cycle of romanticizing old memories. helps me see it for what it is
Yep. It was all an act. And i bought into it 100%.
Yes, which helps me heal because I live in reality and not a fantasy anymore that there’s any realness to any of it. There’s not. Accepting that is a first step. There is no relationship.
@Survivingherbeauty it’s better to hear the truth than live a fantasy. The truth hurts but we need it to move away from them and forward. I keep telling myself the reality of the situation and it helps. Reality is this person is pathological and nuts. I’m not he is. It’s helping!
Yes, which helps me heal because I live in reality and not a fantasy anymore that there’s any realness to any of it. There’s not. Accepting that is a first step. There is no relationship.
I can tell you the fury they harbor can last decades, especially if you successfully escaped and are alive and well.
I can also tell you the death rate of these people is high. It's as if they wanted you dead so badly, it killed them instead.
Twenty years later and the energy spent hating on you is still intense.
Honestly it's going to kill them. I'm watching it now. You cant go the distance if you're chronically angry and depressed.
Get out. The sooner the better. You will gain immeasurably if you only gather the courage. Make a plan, and tell no one to avoid sabotage.
Sabotage- yeah hindsight is def 20/20
Wont ever fall for this again
Also don’t know if I’ll ever trust another human (reptile demon vessel)
Again
Your absolutely right. Working hard to break away and find my own happiness that real. ♥️👍🏼
L ou
When I started being devoid of all emotions he loved it. He really killed my spirit and personality and he enjoyed every minute of dragging me to the shadow lands with him. He turned me into himself.
It's the most aganozing torture of the soul , its like they have reached in and taken everything. I feel like I am starting over again.I have lost my self , to him , he's taken me . 🙏 namaste.
@@Jezzicar at the lowest point, with no warning, during a cold winter ghosting, I felt like I was thrown into the bottomless pit of hell....and I wailed incessantly.....
I see them as vampires. Once they bit you, you May become one of them.
it’s because they’re miserable and jealous with their own lives so they want to bring other fellow happy people with potential down with them but then uses excuses as to why. Sick
@@Jezzicar It's been a year! I am in a much better place. I hope you have found yourself again 🤗
When someone tries to pull me down, I take it as a compliment because I know I have something that the narcissist does not have and is jealous and envious.😎
Yes, they are pathologically jealous of you !!! My ex narcissist was so jealous of me. He also hated me !!!
I used to say to him, “why do you hate me so much ?” or “why are you so jealous of me ?”I didn’t understand it then …
yep, i understand that now
Growing up with a narcissistic mother destroyed my life. If that woman had been a hamster she would have eaten me, because all she ever cared about in her entire life was what she could get; what she could consume; who she could use and manipulate and control. I got away from that hateful woman over 7 years ago but I am just now finding some self-respect and self-love, two things I never had before. If I were to see that woman on the street, I'd turn and run for my life.
Good for you. So sorry she put you through hell. I'm in the process of getting away from mine, too. If I saw her on the street, I would run away from her with my self - love and self - respect.
umm thats my mum...sad but true - same story - its devastating
They are black holes... They destroy and consume even their own children. Unstoppable dark voids.
Snap,mine did awful things,but I only learned about this stuff in 2013,no contact for 8 years and loving my freedom,now I know why she hated my wonderful husband of 26 years and claimed he spoilt me.She was jealous!!!
Auntihooha
I can totally empathise with you, I to had a narcissistic mother, I know what you went through.
All I can say is use your experiences to benefit your life going forward.
Peace&Love&Light Namaste 🙏 ♥️
It's such a dirty trick, the proverbial dangling carrot 🥕 a trade of souls, once, I was young and beautiful and I fell in love with someone who saw me and loved me so much that I could finally love myself, but it was all a lie, and now I am old and even more broken than I thought possible, robbed, conned and used, it has taken the lord himself to save me, but fret not because a new person is growing, she is strong and wise and joy fills her heart once more, they cannot steal your light if you say NO, many thanks to Sam for his unique understanding and brilliant communication and without whom I would still be asking the never ending why. Life goes on ❤️
Saying no to them feels impossible... But once you do it, it's like cutting a millstone from around your neck. Jesus is the knife that saves us!
I’m in the Sam 🚣♀️ Ami!!
A beautiful, bitter sweet post. Good for you and thank you for posting this. Thank you. 😊
@@karenroach2404 thank you x
💐
A man I met for coffee told me in that first hour that his ex committed suicide. I knew what that meant. It was the only way she could escape. I ran quickly the other way, as his love bombing started before the hour even ended.
Last month, while going back and forth with the Narc I felt like I was in the twilight Zone, and I actually said it. It's amazing how you used the same exact term. I knew I wasn't crazy. What a relief. These people are the walking dead. Demon possessed individuals.
I was idealized. Then devalued the last few years. Now I have been discarded. Going through this whole process I felt like I have been dragging dead weight. When they Discard, they are doing the source of supply a favor.
Absolutely 💯!
@@anonymousanonymous7304 who cares
@@anonymousanonymous7304
Of course they know. Not all of them are as stupid as us being used when they want us to be used . They know and 5hey don't care .
Make sure you don't get Hoovered, though!
It’s actually a blessing to be discarded, i didn’t have deal with his abuse everyday and the fog lifted and I saw who he was.
It's a power move, a way to exert control. Because when a person is constantly emotionally abused, they are weak, meak, and submissive. Unless they have woken up to the reality of the abuse that they are experiencing.
The fact that Sam gives away all this very valuable information for free is incredible !!
narcissism is a different type of virus worse than any biological virus...some type of spiritual apocalypse between heaven and hell.
Yes absolutely! He's such a great soul to provide all these valuable information for free .
yes
He describes my ex husband exactly! I wish I'd known this before I married him.
So happy I just kicked my ex phycopath out dec 24 th 🤪 🤗 lmfao 🤣
Omg. I’m stunned. After 15 years of hell on earth, someone put into words EXACTLY what he’s done and is doing to me. I realized only 4 years ago what he was and that I was not the crazy one like he told everyone and traumatized me into believing. I have tried and tried and tried to explain to therapists who had no experience in this form of abuse and friends who never were conned by a narc the depths of my anxiety and torment but I couldn’t describe accurately what was happening to me because it’s so unbelievable, unbearable, and evil, a nightmare. I’m going to show everyone that’s left in my life that he hasn’t isolated from me or scared away this video. It’s the first time someone knows exactly what twisted evil abuse I’ve been subjected to. Full blown diabolical mindset. The scariest and biggest mistake of my life, not my fault, complete manipulation at the highest level. Ruined me. Terrible. This video was a God sent to me. I’m so pissed this happened to me. I wanted happiness and I got humiliation. The worst part. No one believes me and they
love him like a rockstar. It’s literally mind numbing. I’ll never recover from what he’s done to me. Ever.
Love ! U are in control of your life now . U can make it trust me . Your happiness will be so more powerful to destroy N . Just show the world aí are strong and happy . That’s what’s the best in our life . Please believe in yourself . We have the biggest lesson of life after so many years of pain and horror we will manage to escape and still knows value of real life . With it we winning .
You will start seeing light in other people , the worst thing of all this is they will try to convert you into them and your trust ib humanity will be gone for a while, but you are still human , youll step by step come back to real life.i promise.
There should be support groups. You will get better. Not ever over it completely but much better. It takes time.
There should be support groups like there are for AA....
There is a point when you will no longer care that your loved ones don't understand. I hope it's soon.
I think (and know) it's just terrible luck to have one as your mother - like being born into a cemetery.
I have done a lot of healing but still find it all so creepy.
Same
Yup.
It is evil and we don't understand how a mother could do that to her own child. Will we ever heal from it?
I have a mother & raised a daughter that's a narcissists, sheeesh I'm 57 had therapy now their mad & fall apart because I have the control 😃 😄 😁 🤣
You’ll feel cursed..nothing u do is good enough..then on top of that they’ll use everything they know about you against you all while making you feel like it’s you that’s the problem.. ( crazy making )
When you're with a narc, they kind of freeze you. Slowly but surely. You're not aware of it.
I took my cat to the vet, so I was out of the house and alone. And while I was sitting in the waiting room, I was melting, the ice came off and I could feel again. It took a while.
What a difference.
Wow.. they're truly damaged. I have a master's in clinical social work from a prestigious University and never learned any of this. Had I known the cycles, behaviors, etc. I could have avoided many years of suffering. This needs to be a taught in high school so we all know what to look for and then avoid. Smh... I feel the University failed me.
@@danielleking8920 I would stop donating to your school… I think that would get your fund allocation request more serious consideration. Make them earn that check.
I have been saying this since I learned about this, its so sad society throws this word "narcissist" around like it's just nothing. It's horrible and the destruction of their victims is horrible stay strong. Keep ahold of you. I finally have gotten rid of my narcissist after 24 years, its a process it has effected me in many ways I have lots of healing to do.
I have a masters in clinical psychology yet never came across this let alone have personality disorders mention in any of my modules. Everything I have learned about PD has been self taught from resources like CZcams, reputable Internet sites and books. Dr Vaknin, Ramani, Daniel Fox, Otto, and others have taught me a lot. I feel ready to write my one paper now lol
@@jh5588 were you in a long term relationship? Are you out of itnow?
@@nikirasmussen5117 👋 congrats on getting rid of yours. Is there a way I can message you in private?
We refuse to play dead, exactly. Lol. They hate we have a stubborn head of our own & threaten their mind. The 100% control is not guaranteed with a stronghearted person. I believe they actually kinda admire our courage, but cannot deal with it. There was a time we did not know such games were played. When we realize they are after our soul we need to get up & leave. And naturally, never ever look back. Ty for another good input Sam
They love the challenge of breaking the strong willed and kill your spirit.
Amen, do yourself a HUGE favor and JUST LEAVE!!!
Wow, those are words I've thought about many times. I am seeing that behavior in our leaders here in Canada.
Exactly. They have a hole that can't be filled. They suck the life out of you. My narc said he no longer had childlike wonder which I have to this day, and I am old. He said everything to him was flat.
I realized that in the end he wanted me dead. Is it because if you die you can never leave them? They control and own you forever? I felt like he really hated me.
Me was completely in love with her deceased ex. The love of her life. While he was alive she was engaged to someone else. But as soon as he died. She told the story’ of hi life with her at the center.
He always said that I made him feel like he was a better person. Or rather, made him want to be a better person. Then he would turn around and viciously hurt me over and over again. I never felt seen or understood by him, he never saw the real me let alone loved any version. I remember the epiphany, one day the clouds over my mind parted and I just knew, "He's weak."
"The narcissist is an illusion that you fall for" - - no truer words. They are just existing, not living.
Like a star that has died…on its way to becoming a black hole, and the Narc has used his illness to spaghettify you - grabbing you and stretching you into their gaping maw of ever increasing gravity of nothingness.
I suppose people in normal relationships will not understand 95% of this
I found it interesting that the ex (Narc) said “We were trying to destroy each other”…I said I wasn’t trying to destroy anyone or anything…that He was destroying the relationship…he lost his poop. He tried to normalise his emotional abuse as ‘normal relationship disagreements’ again…I said “No…abuse is not normal”…again…lost his poop…I told him to leave…again…lost his poop…
I’m healing and happy…
Go for it! This relationships are a great but painfull way to mature as Sam stresses out!
I'm still in the process. It stirred up so many repressed feelings. Hope you are doing well!
He is poop and you are ice cream
Sir, why does the narc act so alive around outsiders? He acts like the life of the party and the most charming character, yet at “home” he is the most deranged, sadistic, abusive controlling and angry being.
And they switch it on and off depending on the audience
My guess is the overt is the public version and the covert is the version inside the home.
And insecure
Yes they do this
Sam, you're the best professor ever, and I think many people will agree with this: you make the unexplainable explainable!
Yes.
You managed to speak what I want to articulate.
exactly
I could understand all these when he puts on bed all these years he never understand me and he didn't touch me and didnot value for everything so I want divorce please give
This is an interesting revelation! "Narcs are walking-dead (walking-talking corpse) and they devalue others to KILL them, as they want company in their dead existence." "The narcissist is like rot or gangrene, spreading through other's healthy parts until she is no more - like him, rendered an automation with faulty programming. One of the main vectors of attack is devaluation, both preemptive and reactive." Thank you Prof. Vaknin.
Being trapped in a narcissistic “civil war” as you so perfectly have described is no joke. My narc husband killed himself while I was in the house with him. My pastor said it’s nothing short of a miracle that he didn’t take me out with him. I experienced everything and more that you described here. I was counting the days till my children were old enough that I could leave. I’ve lived the nightmare. It turned out to be a lethal dance that I was lucky to have survived.
@@sarahsperception138 My heart goes out to you. You have a long road ahead of you to learn how to pick up and move on. I spent three years in counseling. I rested in the Lord. He has provided for me and has met all my needs. I’m 67 years old now and I’ve been alone since I was 47. I’m happy that I’m alone and not experiencing fear every time I walked into the door while living with a narcissist. You’re safe now. Get well. Trust in the Lord and he will meet all your needs.
So glad you made it. They really do try to kill you figuratively and literally 💖
@@Rose-qr4xn God bless you for your loving words. I feel at peace being alone too at 50. I have a small family and a few friends that give me love. Most importantly is the love I get from our Heavenly Father. Like you, he has (it feels miraculously) supplied my needs In him we are complete❤
If the Narcissist could keep everything they seek to take from you, they would feel complete and not need another supply...
They have simply scattered us brutally, with no regard for our well kept house.... If we keep them far away, we can rebuild in peace and never allow ourselves to be abused again...
yes, literally life suckers...stolen words, stolen ideas, they want to be us so badly and when they are really good they do just that...now the fight is on to take myself back. thank you for your work.
Why would I cry for a narcissist? The way the Prof described how a narcissist is dead inside. I cried for the narcissist in my life.
And then in describing how I gave up on my existence by embracing this narcissist, I cried for myself.
Dr.Vaknin, I've known for sometime he wants me dead. We are married for 11yrs. I have now been diagnosed with my second autoimmune disease. Which is from the chronic stress of living with him. But you should see his delight when ever I get flare ups. He's so happy to serve. So delighted in my sickness, which must end within 3 days. Otherwise,I am considered lazy for not going back to his normal daily routines of work, cleaning and cooking etc... he does want me dead. He blames my sickness on my 3-5 cigarettes a day. When he'll get served with divorce papers in a few weeks, the shit is gonna hit the fan. I don't care. I wanna shine again. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. I'm growing wiser and stronger daily.
Get rid of the giant blood sucker, pronto. A good life ahead awaits you.
Update?
@anahitaazadeh3449 so he left January 27th of this yr and never came back again. Dunno where he is. He left me with 16 ducks, 6 chinchillas, 2 dogs, 7 cats, a 3 floor house, half a hectar of land, a full working dental office(he was the manager and assistant btw), and you know what happened? I woke up and next day with a golden armor. I've never felt ill again.My animals never waited for him at the door. I've been doing the work of 4 men.I have cuts and bruises all over my hands but since he left luck and positivity have only knocked on my door. I'm getting half of my house reconstructed, found a wicked dental manager. Last week we were at criminal court and next week we're signing the divorce papers...so the reality of the situation was that I was the light at the end of the tunnel. He only blocked my view but only temporarily. Thank you for your care Anahita the Persian goddess of water, virginity and divinity;-*
💖💎🤭🙌🌈
I was just recently poisoned by my narcissist boyfriend excuse me ex-boyfriend. And I I found myself questioning everything absolutely everything in my life. To the point where I wanted to take my life. The zombie effect I get that I've been almost dead inside. It's good to see this hear this and to know that I'm not completely crazy even though most of my friends and family think I am. I had to leave town to get away from this monster because he has done such a amazing job at making me look like the crazy one. It looks like I'm crazy! Thank you
From my heart to yours
I send so much positive thoughts
Positive vibes and energy
You deserve good and healthy life….. the narcs and surviving them are lessons for the will of the warriors. Remember that Miss Julie- you are a warrior
You are not crazy ❤ I'm going thru this with my own son and his covert narcissist
@@jacalyntaylor6721 I’ll remember you often and the stress you must be under… it’s difficult making decisions in those conditions
I sometimes don’t even want my own son around me because he drinks and his personality changes- that means he’s not with his soul self, his consciousness. This hurts me deeply… not to discount your well being here, trust issues and tears … oh I se d a prayer a day
It is as if the mind chooses psychosis over something closer to reality out of such intense fear. Maybe deep down, they are just incredibly terrified.
I'm fairly sure there's a link to CSA judging by my ex partners.
they are terrified of life thats why most of them drink or take drugs. To live in a fantasy land. Narcs hate reality
They should be locked away
"You are only loveable until you are not". Become successful, gain your independence, grow tall in your own garden, receive accolades. Then, watch what the narcissist does....Blows up your entire world.
Before I knew anything about narcissistic disorders I realized something was terribly wrong. I said to the narcissist that he couldn't even get along with himself. I said if the right side of his brain thought something the left side of his brain wouldn't agree and vice-versa. Therefore no matter what anyone done or said it would always be wrong depending on which side of his brain was in control at that second. But, watch your back because it would change at any second. He would rage, be angry and physical abussive especially during these times. Thanks for this video.
Just a few minutes in: Exactly what I experienced over more than 25 years in my former profession. I literally was nearly killed by the stress of that twice, have since more than a year given up my passion because of that - and now struggle with depression phases. But that is still better than been dragged and shoved around by narcissists. It is literally depressing.
@@user-xt4jo7hj1s I don´t believe in any supernatural being. Life is precious on its own.
So enlightening! I think my ex narc was in the binary stage because I was never love bombed in any extreme way. He just convinced me that we were perfect for each other. He was always actively in search of new supply. He never said a single mean word to me, ever; yet, he was very cruel. He devalued me as he was telling me how much he loved me all at the same time every day. He would never drive to my house. I always had to drive to him. He was a carpenter but he wouldn’t fix even the smallest thing in my house. But he would do “free” favors for other women regularly, while he professed his undying love for me. He would stare out the window many times a day looking for his downstairs tenant, a woman he had met on the same dating site that he met me on. He said they were never together although the we t hiking and kayaking before. He admitted he had kissed her once. So as he was telling me how much he loved me, seconds later he’d use his body language to show me he was in pursuit of her. Every day. If she pulled in the driveway, he’d take the dog out immediately. He called her in a snowstorm and said “Hurry home” within my earshot. When I called out this behavior, I was treated like I was crazy. He would reaffirm his love for me. On holidays, he’d get a random text and smile to himself. Then put away his phone never mentioning who it was. He’s regularly act suspicious. He’d click out of Facebook every time I walked by. The list goes on and on. When I pulled I to his driveway, his body language said “Oh shit, she’s here.” But never for the woman downstairs. He never said a single unkind word to me. He used passive aggressive techniques especially using body language to devalue me. Then he “couldn’t stand” my calling him out on this stuff. One time during a snow storm we were outside shoveling. His tenant had her shade pulled up and it was the evening. She sat in the window with her back to the window. He proceeded to shovel the same one path repeatedly walking vertically staring into her window, of course for me to see that. He bossed me around by asking me to shovel another area away from her window.
He literally never did anything for me but he was “my loving and devoted boyfriend.”
He broke up with me 5 days before Christmas when I had the flu via text. Then he blocked me on everything as if I were the problem. He did much much more to me; more than I can type here.
Gosh this is awful
Same here. Devaluation via triangulation. Extremely confusing and hurtful.
I'm so sorry you went through that. The way they really rub your nose in it as they blatantly devalue you, but act as if nothing odd is happening really rings a bell with me. Gaslighting at its finest. They really are crazy, hateful beings.
I dont know, but this made me cry
I feel sad too...50 years in...
They try to crush your spirit and drain you of all life, you are just a toy to them.
I married a grandiose narcissist the year after I watched my mom, my only parent, succumb to a 3-year illness. I grieved & cried frequently & spontaneously. I received 0 empathy from him. He said "I'm not going to baby you." His own parents lived another 40 years!
@@sanjmalik6282 Sorry for ur heartbreak. Respect is the most important thing in a relationship. They not only disrespect us, they treat us w/ contempt. U'll be ok.
This is my first time here. I got news for these evil doers. The death bed they made for me will be the one they die in.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ this
I grew up as the eldest of 5 in a Narcissistic Family. I was Different. I had Empathy, Compassion, intelligence, Creativity,etc..... That the rest of my family was devoid of. I was belittled,never taken seriously,etc....but overcame that nightmare when I was sentenced to prison.( 6 months to 5 yrs sentence) for a minor crime.I soon came into my own.Odd how losing my freedom resulted in the Spiritual quest that would put me on the path to God.
Hi.. may I know your age
@@captprabhu2444 I 'm 64 yrs. Old. Narcissists have always been drawn to me like a magnet. Thank God that I learned how to diffuse their Agenda. They are mystified by me ! I am a very rare type of person ( Sigma Male) The Lone Wolf that needs no validation from anyone! I am immune to pressure from Peer Groups that I am acquainted with ,but not a tight member.
@@chrispicquet733 thanks for your reply.. currently I'm with my family, I'm the last one of 6 eldest persons. In my family every one are narcissistic. I'm 36 now. Still struggling.
@@captprabhu2444 The truth is that sometimes you entwined with a narcissist,and have to bide your time in order to escape them! It took me years to accomplish that.I was the only one in a family of 5 children and two Narcissistic parents that made it very hard to escape.the Lord helped me by creating situations ( like going to Jail and Alcohol Treatment to realize that I had to get away!) I lived in the ghetto around an indigent treatment program for 2 yrs. The Murders in that area were the worst in Cleveland. But I worked my way out of there, despite my mother's pleading for me to come back home to the suburbs. I truly appreciate the poor good people that accepted me in the ghetto. I devoted my life to helping others as a result.
@@chrispicquet733 which country you are from..
You described my situation to a 'T'. I felt after he was gone me being literally pulled into hell and I thought to myself I was being pulled into hell with him. I had to try to save my soul.
Yes this!!!
do narcs find the light at the end of the tunnel or do they just die and make their own little hellish universe in the afterlife? 🤔
Another aspect that is not talked about, enough, is narcissists and spending money. I was constantly held accountable for having and presenting a budget, but he would never look at it. He would cause us to be overdrawn, and he would take the checkbook from me because I told him we didn’t have money to spend and then he wouldn’t pay a bill for three months at a time so that he could have spending money. Then I would have to play catch-up and pay late fees and then he would do it all over again and not pay bills for three months and then give it back to me. I only let that happen twice. I told him never again. But he would still lie to me about spending money, or give access to our account to his narcissistic father, who’d make withdrawals. To this day he has no idea how to pay bills on time. We’ve been married 34 years and I finally learned how to set a boundary four years ago. He has had no choice but to respect my boundary of separation, although we’re still married, we do not sleep together; it’s just a room-mate situation where I isolate as much as possible. I gave him separation papers, but he hasn’t fulfilled them. Yes, he has been emotionally and verbally abusive and even physically abusive. But the financial aspect isn’t mentioned enough. I am very thankful for videos like this.
Best years of my life ( the last 20 ) when I gave up all drugs and booze. Made all the rumination and gloom disappear ... until the hoover. Working on it now- going good.
Often, by just naming something, no matter how difficult that process might be, we are able to accept, recognise, act and heal. It's a multitude of definig 'A-ha!' moments. The familiarity of situations and behavoiurs mentioned by Prof Vaknin, his explanations and terms given, have played a key part in my understanding of what was my reality. Quick switching from idealisation (eg inspired writing of poems) to devaluation (eg 'you have no basic understanding', 'you act like a teenager' etc) happened sometimes within hours and it left me very confused and conflicted. Being in the realm of narcissistic landscape (or as Prof calls it 'graveyard') was truly soul destroying and it takes time for one to realise what is actually happening.
@@dollarsmum3453 indeed it is gut- wrenchingly painful, trying to make sense of the nonsensical. We often gaslight ourselves. Desperation and slow demise (funeral) of self. But....I'm woke now 🙂
He makes an awful process sound so seamless & smooth. Very underrated.
@@justagirlandherphone Yep. Sounds very familiar. Narcissists are very talented in sniffing out any vulnerability/weakness, the greater the better. Then they weaponise whatever they sniffed out.
A woman who have left her Narcissistic man, after many years wt abuse, she told he was sitting on the floor and felt she had totally lost herself, I was thinking that she have had her Soul taken‼️
@@applejuice5068 They have a false narrative and self, they did make a Godlike/Grandiose self as toddlers bcs their mother neglected them, they needs Narcisstic supply to survive and when you told him that he is sick an d needs help, you was a treat bcs he couldn't manipulate you‼️
My narc threw me in jail 2 months ago! He lied to the police and I told the truth….they believed him! He’s put me in the hospital more then once and they put me in jail for domestic violence and I didn’t touch him! Omg this is so good for me to hear! Thank you!
Hope u r fine now...!!!!
I'm so sorry. 😢 Wish you all the best!!!
I’m doing great 😌 and I want to thank everyone that has supported me on this platform. 🙏🏻
This is what I’m scared will happen, I was hoovered provoked and when I got upset and reacted he acted like the victim and ignored and blocked me . I am severely trauma bonded so I begged and apologized that would only make me look bad like he says ..stay strong
I had that happen too
OMG 🤯 this is exactly how I felt. He was sucking the life out of me!! I'm finally free after 15 years but not completely. We have a son together. 😔 He's doing well considering. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
It's sooooo painful all the years some of us lost to loved ones in our home or family who have narcissistically abused us. Besides the ongoing fear they'll actually win in turning everyone against you and shrinking your world to only their approval and company. Could you talk about the grief of suffering this abuse for a long term in our life?
the narc isolates their victims since they feel really isolated in their own battle with themselves
Hi, I have the feeling they are unable to love. That makes them so empty.
I always wonder wether anyone who hasn’t been there, as a BPD, NPD or codependent, can ever understand this.
MY husband is what I call an intermittent narcissist. Normally I push past his words, his hatred, his views towards me, but its consistent for days, mental abuse, trying to belittle me, name calling, silent treatment , and when he's in a bad mood , oh well we all have to suffer, I hate him, the worst thing I ever did was marry, and further more they do take you, isolate you, break my friendships, want me to be at home while he galavants.Yet when challenged he doesn't like it, turns it all on me , it must be me, my fault, my fault his life is the way it is when it's actually a deep seated and profound lack on his side, lack of being able to allow me my freedom, my thoughts, feelings, very dismissive, I do challenge him, question him, I observe him and just see a monster . Narcissists set out to manipulate and control you, they are weak, empty, void, that's the only way they operate, a lot stems from early childhood, loss of control and so they try to control you, never engage with them, ignore them at all costs ,,focus on you, be happy, evolve,,move on ...♡
WOW !!! So I finally found out what is happening in my life. Living with narcissistic person is simply impossible. Thank you very much for this info. I think this helps me to make decisions going forward with my life. I feel so relieved now.
I have long thought these people to have dissociative disorders on top of a core personality disorder. This "binary" aspect clears it up. This explains them having no memory of certain scenarios. I used to think it was pathological lying, but over time I began to recognize the dissociative component (like more than one personality in there). I have dealt with them my entire life and if you are wondering WHY, it's because my mother passed when I was 10, and I grew up with a malignant overt (as a father). With no support to dilute the impact of this parent. I began to replicate patterns in relationships. I only started learning about this disorder 5 years ago. It's been pretty terrible, but I am getting better and recognizing these people and staying clear.
This helps so much. the toxic I was with constantly posts selfies but suddenly now he's posting distorted awful photos of himself on public media and how that he is growing old. People on social media are reassuring him. He lies all the time that he is a military hero and has a lot of fake medals. People believe him. I think he believes himself. it's all so sick.
Let go of any narcissists ..RUN Ooh you said blood this can be family....My brother has done this all his life ..Realise this is there stuff not yours ..I am the author of the book " Remember Who You Truly Are " ....You are not the stuck child my brothers stuck at about 7 ..They never grow up they can be emotional children who do tantrums Observe.Let the Phoenix rise you NEVER need a narcissist !!!! Do not hold onto anything the narcissist says they are totally empty souls.Do not believe anything they say they suck the life force out if you..RUN no contact .Grey rock .Find a friend who you can call.or text or ring a help line every time you feel.the urge to connect and have flash backs
Two psychiatrists meet in the hallway.
One says to the other: you are fine, how about me?
🎭
Sadly, this makes so much sense to me... being bombed with "I love you" to "You're the nail to my coffin" within FEW minutes. Its absolutely crazy making behavior. Thank you so much explaining 🙏🏾
@@artymiss3707 Thank you 🙏🏾❤
Wow...I get more and more understanding. Its a hard journey and brings trears to my eyes and soul.
(Left a 30 year relationskip 3 years ago)
@@susannemalmgrenericson6481 that's very brave of you. I can only imagine how much pain you had to go through and the strength it took to leave 🍀🙏🏾
@@shanti5718 well that was'nt all of it...
Lost everything even the will to live,and then breastcancer. So I'm beginning... to se some light in the tunnel. 🙁
@@susannemalmgrenericson6481 that must have been so hard to go through, sorry to hear that its been so rough for you 🙏🏾
So much truth to this. Without going into detail, I married a narcissist. Was co-dependant until about 7 yrs ago. Almost left him when my health began to decline. His health started declining 9 years ago. As I healed, he struggled and continues to try to control me. As my independence has continued to grow our relationship has become weaker. He is very ill now, so I will stay to the end. I maintain my independence and do what I want and need to do. His attempts to control now are things like wanting me to watch TV with him. If I miss a scene he gets upset. If I say no to something he gets upset. Very intelligent but very immature. Still continues to explain something over and over again to me even though I understand it completely the first time. My IQ is 136. Partly to decrease or devalue me, but also to maintain my attention on him. When it doesn't work, he has anxiety. I no longer care thar he's doing these things. I know I'm none of the things he tries to make me out to be. His belittling no longer works. If you can become independent of a narcissist, do it. I wish I had when I could have. They are not carbon copies though. They are each individuals. It's about recognizing them, and dealing with it. Take care of yourself.
I always felt like it was a replaying the Persephone myth where Hades and the mother archetype were present. Once one eats the pomegranate one becomes Queen or King but in a dead realm. Great explanation, Sam. I'm beyond thankful
Persephone's mother Ceres pulled her out of Hades every summer and that's why the crops thrived but Persephone went back for winter and Ceres mourned ..winter. Yes, nothing grows in winter. Interesting comparison, thank you for the reminder of the myths.
Also, some theorise that the forbidden fruit in the Adam and Eve story is a pomegranate rather than an apple. The act of picking and eating it brings them shame, pain, isolation from God, unhappiness and death.
I fell down the stairs. He left the house for 3days. Odd, said didn’t want people to think he killed me! Makes sense now!
I definitely felt he wanted me dead. I had books in his home and he was clearing his shelves of them. He wanted to wipe me out.
Yes!!! Same here!! 💯💯💯
narcs dont like well-read women
Thank you for this video. I've been trying to pinpoint and define for the past two years a dizzying, disorienting experience. And it was absolutely as you describe: love bombing mixed with a passive-aggressive devaluation, then complete withdrawal. And the cycle continued for too long.
I want to thank you so much for this My father always devalued me in a mysogenistic way and now I am experiencing the same thing with a boss as well as my daughters father did the same thing after the discard and replacement . You are giving dignity and possible healing and understanding to my life Grateful and will keep watching
From the victims perspective what does one do with their life once they’ve been drained by one of these fallen ones and in essence have become dead like them...especially if this was an attack to halt their spiritual journey..it’s like being caught in between worlds..it’s horrific...so much grief for what’s been stolen 😞
I am doing yoga, trying to get back some type of divine essence or light😥
Call the energy of your power back to U...YOUR hopes...YOUR passion...Your desire...YOUR peace
Grieve the person you used to be because you can’t be that person anymore. If he wants war, give him one he can’t win- You being everything you wanted to be outside of your Narc, and you being everything he/she could ever wish for.
Be encouraged. I know from personal experience that once the narcissist is removed from your life, you’ll undergo a spontaneous rebirth and joy will return.
Heal and be powerful
This just cleared all my confusion. I see so much clearer now. I am healing and I needed to hear this. My life force was slowly taken from me. I am taking my life back, NOW!!!!
I am almost in tears listening to you. This is what happened to me. My life has been sacrificed to please someone with no conscience. Its over now but I never recovered.
@@BrillGirl82 - thx for your sympathy. I'm enjoying my single life now. When I said I never recovered I still have memories that annoy me and I never fully trusted another man. But mostly I'm getting along ok.
As an 18 year veteran target that just recently became aware words cannot express how I feel being validated and legitimized, humanized for the first time in my life listening to Vaknin. I’ve been binging all day everyday for a bit and it feels so good to have someone not tell me I’m insane or lying or upsetting him up on purpose or just annoying him, you get the picture. It’s like I can breathe for the very first time finally. Just to add a little fuel to the fire, this man is a godsend! 🤣 look I can make jokes! ☺️
I know what you are talking about. .. they make you question if you are the narcissist… a horrible game I played for 25 years. A traumatized yet spoiled kid he must have been. Best recipe for creating a narcissist, and thats the only behavior they really know. Everything else they learn from the empath and copy it without feeling it.
And I've always felt with the multiple semi-narcissists in my life that they live in a story book, and they want me to be a flat character in their story book to keep them entertained, dandled on my knee all the time like a toddler needing constant attention & stimulation, obedience... and you are putting genius insights to it all! I've been watching you for years, thank you so much!
It’s not a metaphor it is as you have said the narcissist is the walking dead period !
I have witnessed this preemptive devaluation with my supply replacement. IT was in translation after my discard and IT was desperately seeking a replacement and the woman who replaced me has been love bombed and devalued in equal amounts in short time
Sam! You have such an amazing way of explaining from the Narcissist's Point of View! I appreciate this and it helps me know, what I am not. And helps me continue to move forward on my healing path after a 15 year "situationship" with one of these Dead Zombies!
My covert narcissist intimate partner once used a photo of herself posed dead and I mean blood covered dead in a bathtub which was taken when she was one of the main characters in a 1970’s NYC horror movie. You helped me see perhaps how she got the role and why she made sure I saw herself posed in this photograph.
@@Thurston1946 Wow! Thats wild. My Covert Narc Ex's favorite movie was jennifer's body with Megan Fox. If you have not seen the movie. Watch it and it is mind blowing how it was how she saw herself. No wonder she loved that movie so much.
Sam, this is the best explanation of my experience with my ex. He is an absolute mastermind and sucked me in effortlessly to the graveyard of his existence. What is mind-boggling but makes sense to me now is he attributed that nothingness, that vast internal black hole to HIS ex wife. Projection at its finest.
With 25 years married to a woman hume I didn't give into her thinking but showed nothing but realistic love ended up using my dead brother to try and bring me down.
These people have absolutely no since of being loved, thank you Doc for your time
I dated a guy who is very similar to what I have heard reported, and after he dumped me, got a new girlfriend, he came back full of regrets, and love to give, and the first thing he said to me was "you can do it, live without me" this is because throughout our relationship he repeated "what would you do without me", I've seen your videos because he's back and it's been very important for me to understand the dynamics, and maybe soon close this cycle without more damage. Thanks
He is triangulating you. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t know what or who he wants. Push pull, hot cold is not healthy romantic love. He dumped you. And then he comes back? Nope. Hard pass… who knows who else he has done this to? If he tells you he has had a LOT of relationships that’s your answer. Oh and they are always looking for flaws in people. It helps them to remain superior in their minds.
Wow I'm speechless! You clarified sooo much, I understand the complexities of his behaviour now. Damn right you're dealing with two different people. They must hate their lives living with such agony. Are there any solutions? Thank you for sharing your exceptional expertise with us.
oh my god. these words are the most real and deep description of my ex narcissist . nobody there literally
Your the master. Nobody gets it like you
This is how the discard felt. It felt like he wanted to kill my soul. Like he really tried to murder me on a spiritual level! After that he did not want to let me go. Like he was holding me with one hand and attacking me with the other hand verbally. In this situation I was absolutely afraid of him. I’m in no contact. After going in no contact I felt haunted. Like he’s a shadow above me. It’s terrifying. But keeps getting better with time. His new sources of narcissistic supply may help me being out of his destructive focus. It’s like giving a curse (the narcissist) to others (his new victims, his new sources of supply). It’s like the movie “it follows”. This is exactly how it feels.
This makes me think that COVID-19 has probably tripped the scales even further, making it harder for narcissists to gain supply, thus leading more narcissists into this transitory state.
True!
When my Narcissist "friend" decided to kick off the Devalue stage, he started it by inviting me to a bar for my birthday. There, he would force me to drink shots, saying, "Don't be such a p*ssy."
After he got me more than significantly drunk, he put me in my car, started the car, and told me to drive home. Don't be such a p*ssy.
He literally tried to kill me.
That is nuts .
Gosh this is exactly my ex. After 4 months of discard he's now trying to hoover me up. Thanks to therapy and hours of research I'm prepared. You are explaining beautifully and clearly everything he is. Thank you so much for your valuable knowledge 🙏 x
Sometimes they Hoover just to devalue or triangulate you a little more, nothing good, stay no contact
This information is GROUNDBREAKING 💯
You are so right on about the picture. He told me he loved me because i was beautiful and didnt talk. Of course i talk after stuff he pulled. He did find every flaw. Deep.
Our essence as individuals will determine how we show up in the world, it will also determine how we interact with our needs and desires and how trauma plays out in our system, or what lable we give ourselfs.
Every need for connection, saftey and desire are felt and stored within the body, the narc has stored charges of trauma blocking his ability to connect with their sensations and own needs, saftey and desire ect. If they can’t connect with his own needs and saftey they sure as hell won’t be able to connect with yours. Also this large charge of energy of not meeting your needs and crossing your own boundaries needs to go somewhere, gym, drugs, sex, ect are just a few of the unconscious ways this plays out.
When our needs for saftey and connection are not meet we are actually living in a very reactive, primal state with little parasympathetic nervous system and prefrontal cortex awareness. We are living in a I state not WE state. The internal system of a narcissist is on red alert and has no ability to process his own reality, emotions and basic human needs.
Controlling people around us is just a reflection of how much emotional control they have operating within. It’s actually them trying to create saftey within there own nervous system by projecting there emotional build up, which is often rage and shame.
The covert is very similar, they are just creating saftey for there internal world by been seen in a certain way. This is not a choice this is once again a person acting from a sympathetic domaint nervous system, creating saftey for themselves with the tools they have. The bigggest piece in all of this is all types of narcissism are searching for connection within there own inner world. So any tactics used to recruit or gossip are still just acting from a place of saftey to maintain fragile nervous system and limited connection to community they have.
And all of the trauma they have locked up in there nervous will never be seen until they can turn off thier survival programming and start to address this piece by piece.
If we are sovereign in our own decision making, intuition and boundries and self worth we should not have to many problems with these people. We could actually look through the WE lense and see them with compassion and understanding.
If you can not it’s more than likely the circle of traum has continued and you now may have some blind spots and are looking through the I lense. Just how they recived there trauma.
When a person has large amounts of shame in thier system it’s very hard to reflect within and make health wholesome choice for ourself, it is natural to want to make change when we are deeply broken. Due to the limited capacity to reflect fully that change often gets channeled in other ways or to other people 😅
✌️⚡️
In other words you need a masters in psychology it have a relationship with these people.
@@jennifergarfield9613 you will be a master in psychology once you get off that roller coaster with one.
As a person who grew up in such a system, I confirm that there are both sides, and that there is this kind of switch or change from covert to overt especially when it comes to contact with other people. The covert part is most likely to calm down and to dream things further. The overt is like the action mode. If you watch narcs closely, you might see them switching it's like charging up with lot of false self esteem in miliseconds where there was before a rather insecure person.
Wowow!! It really is a hall of mirrors. Thank you for the indepth psych analysis. The description of the transitioning is so helpful. The rapid cycle between exalting and devaluing was dizzying. The means of devaluing were dead on the money. I thought i was paranoid but no this guy was competing and undermining my success.
🔥 It used to drive me crazy wondering why I'd love my wife so much but then other times I'd be so confused as to what I'd once seen compared to how things were. I'd feel anxious and agitated about our relationship in those times, but luckily I'd come back to my senses. She would look like a complete stranger to me, and feel so unfamiliar. And then as quickly as it came upon me, that feeling would subside. That's the power my borderline bombshell has always had over me. Now I keep her on a pedestal with a safety net attached to it. I'll never let her fall too far. My ability to reframe is on point these days. 🤣
Why are there so many apparent narcissists? It seems like this is a very strong/dominant feature of society at large.
because creator god is a nut case who hates himself
Social media and selfie 🤳🏻 phones with technology
Our mother spent our childhoods tearing Dad apart to us, lamenting that she had never had a career, that we were all such a burden. When we were very young, she literally told us she wished we were never born, that she wished we were dead and in Hell. She then tried to kill herself in front of us. While she was in the looney bin, Dad told us it was our fault that Mom was suicidal, psychotic.
Later, she enabled a couple of her children to fail to move away and build their own lives, unable to gain independence. Those of us who demonstrated independence and individual success, she did all she could to tear us apart. After 46 years of her crap, I finally walked away and left it up to her to maintain our relationship, by singularly taking action to call, visit, write, act as she never had before. At the time I counted her bizarre behavior as pathological envy -- I had never heard of narcissism. Mom reacted by running around telling her friends that I hated her, that I had abandoned her: she never called, never wrote, never reached out -- she just sought supply as a victim. The fact is she abandoned me before I was even born. She was already dead.
Mom's been physically dead two years now, given COVID by one of her codependent children who refused to respect COVID protocols and did his best to keep secret that she lay dying in the hospital. I took my family to visit and told her I would do my best to get her home, so she could be more comfortable. Her codependents were nowhere to be found. Sadly, dying in that room, her pursuit of supply continued.
Dear GOD this is actually sad, he’s already dead, omg!! I knew it that’s why, I fought off his devaluation & did better than I was even doing, and didn’t look back, I left him in the wind like trash, I pray for these people, so sorry that they are dead inside, I hope something or someone can save them
Bravo,
You are amazing in your accuracy and depth.
I was thinking along these lines the last few days of a friend ,.who has in retrospect done enormous damage not only to me.
You verbalize what i can only fathom as my impression and bring it to fruition in a clear and concise manner.
Best wishes from Norway where this is rampant.
I have gained respect for you over the last months and healing .
@@chinupduck4849 Yes, they are not completely human. Some know and just simulate life while destroying anyone that allows. They can't do anything about their condition, only God can fix such deficiency.
It's a few women that treated me this way. My family has been this way too. It's always spoken about as a man doing this. I think if a man goes through this type of behavior, we have no one who'd believe us or help. Life seems bleak at risk point. I guess some of us don't really fit in the world. Weird how we will never get to the point where we are good to each other on earth.
So…it’s beyond being a punching bag??? My mom literally hates me and wants me dead??? This cuts my soul…
My Mom, too. You are not alone. When I was trying to get out of bed one day, but couldn't bc of car accident injuries, had my eyes closed but not sleeping, she walked up to me and said, "Are you dead yet?" I couldn't believe it. Then, I heard her walk away. Since then, I have found out that she is a covert narcissist, lies and is a good actress. I plan on moving away from her. She has everyone fooled but me. So, you and the rest of us are not alone.
@@melisentiapheiffer3034 it's shocking and sad your Mom, too
It's scary.
Thank you very much Prof. SaM Vaknin , I was in a marriage with a narcissist living in hell until he left for good after 36 years My son help me to find my self Thanks God 💌
"Welcome to the narcissist's charming landscape"...
These words, just as my brain was exploding in slow motion while understanding the civil war I got caught up in...
This is so true. I am so happy to finally be away from the enemy