SECRET Reason Narcissist Devalues, Discards YOU
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- čas přidán 23. 02. 2022
- The entire relationship with the narcissist is intended to recreate the dynamics of the conflict with the narcissist’s mother during his formative years - but this time around with a different outcome and different power matrix: successful separation-individuation via the twin acts of devaluation and discard from an empowered position.
How does the narcissist attempt to bring these outcomes about?
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In narcissistic abuse, the narcissist acts as a ventriloquist: he animates the internal object that represents the victim and misattributes to it his own voice (self-gaslighting via attribution error).
The external object (the actual partner) is erased and supplanted by an introject which acts as a self-object or object representation.
The narcissist also usurps the roles of harsh inner critic, sadistic superego, and rigid conscience in his victim.
Using entraining, the narcissist takes over the victim’s ego boundary functions and becomes her external locus of control. He assigns to her the roles of victim and mother in his script.
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Narcissist get bored easily. The relationship turns old and stale real quick for them. They need new simulation often. They love to see people in pain. Your Pain is their gain because the pain is about them.
If they don't add positive value to your life, just leave them alone.
Yep, they are so insecure its pathetic.i believe they are the co dependent ones. They are boring themselves.
WoW….now i understand
@@Colors5873 Yes that's what I learned dealing with the Narcissist that I was with 3yrs ago. Please save yourself and your peace and move on from them.
Often told my ex that he made me feel like a blow up doll
After 45 miserable years I finally left.i was a shell of who I was when we met. I had every kind of abuse described in your lecture along with everyone described in the comments. But I had taken my vows seriously and i felt it was my lot in life. But then I realized he hadn't meant any of his vows and he wasn't capable of loving anyone but himself. Or should I say not even himself. Yes. We are both 72 years old now and I have been free for 8 years now. He made the mistake of leaving just one tiny crumb of me and I decided I would build on that. Not much left to work with but I was determined to put myself back together and find the much deserved happiness that everyone should have. It was as if I had to bury that shredded piece of rag that I walked around in and take my crumb and start building . It hasn't been easy but after 45 years of the hell he put me through its been a piece of cake. I'm actually happy now and now have a "friend" who treats me like a princess for the last 3 years. I don't I tend to marry again (at my age ? ) it's not necessary. But I know what a real man is now . And I will continue to try to put me back together. I know I can! I havnt spoken to the X since the divorce and don't care to. I'm done with all that.
But ladies PLEASE don't take the best years of your life and waste it on him like I did. Get out while you are as much as you can be now and start building. You can't fix him no matter how much you love him now. And he'll never let you be happy. Trust me. Been there ,done that and walked away with my last shred.
You are a super star loaded with abundant strength. So happy for you.
@Diane Rainey .. aah your story is so common, but I was inspired. I hear happiness and clarity through your words, and that makes me happy : D So glad you got out and are free to be who you are without any abuse. Much love to your continued healing.
Thank you. And you make me know it's never too late to find love again.
I was married to a covert female be sure to remember the horror show they bring
This is a much needed story of hope, thank you for sharing 💞
Everyone leaves them but they never blame themselves.
Wow! This is just brilliant! It all makes so much sense now. There’s so much I have to say regarding this, but at the same time I’m at a loss for words. Unless someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, they will never understand the damage it does to the victims.
I felt the same, eyes wide open now.
90s and l
@@Bryan-rr5he my friend nvimk
I just experienced it!
The that
Oddly comforting to realize there was nothing I could have done differently.
"NEVERMIND what you do...
NEVERMIND what you say."
Like a refrigerator or an iron..
that's right. it truly is a psychological sickness. a fundamental organic cellular dysfunction and disregulation.
not your fault
not your problem.
Yes. I noticed that the only emotional intimacy he offered was when he was showing up as a little boy. I naturally mothered him. Finally saw a Narcissistic Rage when I “didn’t meet his basic needs” by “allowing HIS lips to crack without chapstick.” Turns out, I have an unresolved anxious pre-occupied attachment style and my own father issues. A perfect match. I craved and showed up to any intimacy I could get & then he’d withhold. Trauma bond had me in its grip. Lucky that my degree in Psychology gave me enough info to recognize & research what was happening in the first week and yet, my intellectual curiosity & the biological changes in my brain and body had me stay 4 months. We hit every Freudian marker in our brief time together. I have been working on resolving my own developmental trauma and self care. Walking, guided meditation to learn to be present with my body and my breath, emotional regulation techniques, deep sleep, EMDR, whole food nourishment, studying “self-abandonment,” and a resolve to let others walk their own path at their own pace are helping me integrate the trauma among many other remedies and new insights. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. That trauma bond biochemical shift is REAL. Learning to love myself and not abandon myself or my adaptive inner child. You are not alone. 🤗
what would you recommend to look into to help with the anxious attachment style in order to understand better and figure out to navigate?
@@sandiealdridge4765Go to therapy. You’re never going to heal an attachment wound alone. Changing insecure attachments is rare. I’m a therapist btw. I work with attachment and relational trauma.
I grew up in a remote farming community in Wales and I had never met a narcissist. I had no idea psychopathic individuals existed. No one narcissistic would have been created in such a place nor tolerated for long. Those who did not belong were pushed out like splinters. Once I moved to more urban areas I became to encounter narcissists and had relationships with them, much to my detriment.
I was from a small rural community and I had the same experience. Perhaps they hide in urban areas.
My family is originally from the countryside and I can assure you that a lot of the narcissism a lot of the rural families have, before they became urbanites, was passed down from farmer fathers parentifying their children to prepare them for the harsh living conditions, including girls assuming male roles in the farmland and in the family unit in patriarchal households. My narcissistic boss on the other hand comes from an affluent urban family from a city notorious for its narcissistic social culture. I guess narcissism is an adaptive and pervasive phenomenon that can thrive in any milieu as long as it finds the necessary human conditions, be it in the countryside or in the city.
nowhere to hide in the countryside, the gossip gives them away
I love your splinter reference!! They are a fecker to get out and leave a reminding pain. Epsom salts+sudo cream heals the plant variety with a little time.👍
My first experience with a Narc was 2 years ago Suddenly attracted one lol. Disturbing experience. Fake, fake and fake nice. They're predators, cowards, compulsive liars, mentally abuse people, control and manipulation tactics. Gut feeling screamed get away from that thing. Dumped it, no contact and Narc free. Don't care what it's doing, I'm living and loving life. Lesson learned can detect one instantly now.
The "abyss of the narcissist mind" that's a good one. They dont have any moral scruples or empathy when they can devalue and discard the person who is caring for them and who loves them.
I noticed about a week after being married I became his enemy and had to defend myself against him all the time. He was in competition with me and I had no idea what I had done. I thought we were supposed to be connected as one. Its wasnt that way at all it was me against him. There was nothing I could do to make him treat me well. He treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him until I signed the marriage certificate then I was his worst enemy. He treats me according to the scenarios he makes up in his mind. I felt as if I was going crazy and he told me i was crazy when i got upset.
Same thing happened to me. Years of crazy making ups and downs. 48 years latter I’m learning I was the sane one and he was crazy. What Sam is saying is true. Get out while you can. It only gets worse and possibly financially ruin your retirement like mine did to me.
I am so sorry. Bait and switch.
30 yrs for me.
Get out while no kids.
He will just get worse. Believe Sam.
Save your sanity.
Grieve the relationship. Don't grieve him.
You can't love him well.
Its just really sad xxx
I'm so happy you've escaped. ❤
Same with me - but happened a week after the child was born.
How exhausting they are within themselves to operate like that. Constant trying to devalue and devour another human being to feel a glimpse of life.
Agree. What an awful pitiful life they lead. Very malignant
What a sick and twisted tornado I lived within for 22 yrs. Its nearly impossible to make sense of being discarded like bags of garbage. Until you come here and listen to Sam. Thank you for making sense of what I suffered. As l look around at the debris field around me, I guess it’s time to start cleaning up.
May God bless each and everyone of us that has dealt with one of these demons.
11 years with a diagnosed NPD ex, this is clear. The relationship with his mother was exactly as you described. He was always trying to recreate that relationship. At some of his vulnerable moments, he would admit the abuse he suffered as a child at the hand of his mother. I never connected the dots until years later, after learning about narcissism. This is 100% accurate.
The resentment he had toward his mother was projected on to every single woman he dated since high school!
How did he say his mother treated him?
These are truly fucked up people
They always have a problem with their mothers. Always. And the father is absent in some way (alcoholic, abuser, entirely missing - physically or emotionally)
Agreed girls.
Omg my mil came back and treats him like a baby! Now she treats him like her husband and he treats her like his wife!
Some day, when we have studied narcissism enough, I think it’s important to let go of the need for knowledge of the narcissist and the abuse that happened. We keep them alive inside our mind if we proceed to study them and not “just” accept ‘the defeat’.
Thank you for all your lectures.
Part of "accepting defeat" is learning you were abused in the first place, which requires knowledge and education.
Totally agree with this!
Yes but until you find THIS INFORMATION you remain a victim. This guy has opened my eyes and answered my questions I've searched for years to find answers to! He actually knows what he's talking about and makes it all make complete sense. I am so grateful to have seen this video. My narc info search can now be complete!! Amen!
Agree. After it is established there was abuse etc there’s no need to years later keep ruminating over the narcissist.
@Aneesa Dawood oh I agree but I just know mentally it’s not healthy. But I get it trust me 🙏🏾
To the lady who spent 45 yrs with the Narcissist husband....my heart goes out to you. We share ALOT in common.
I too was married to a Narcissist for 45 yrs. I took my vows seriously also....but he did not. God was good to me. He died in 2022 from a social disease...HPV....CANCER. GOD IS GOOD!
TAKE CARE OF YOU...GOD BLESS....LIVE A GOOD LIFE NOW AS I AM.
Me too. Iam married to a NPD with cancer. 12 years of married. Now he dating his nurses. 2 that I know now. Since we have two properties. I decided to fly back home here in Spain and he stays in Kent in his flat where I discover his second nurse affair. Now I don't know to divorce him without annomosity.
Great video. Kind of an identification with the aggressor. Projecting mother onto objects and then taking revenge on them and treating them exactly how they were treated as children. Devalued and abused and abandoned
The problem with the devaluation and discard is that it doesn't work from the Narcissist long. That is why they have to keep chasing more and more supply. In doing so, they keep having to returning to same mommy over and over even after he discards her. Therefore he has a love hate relationship with her.
I feel like I should get a degree after listening to enough of your videos. This really helped me understand its not me. Thank you!!
Lol. Same. After countless hours over the past year, I feel extremely knowledgeable on narcissism
@@felixoupopote I totally agree that it is about the often overly empathetic people as well, because not everyone ends up entangled with highly narcissistic individuals. 🙁
@@felixoupopote They target empaths cos they have no empathy or compassion themselves. They like to dominate and torture sensitive peeps, cause pain and stress. It's not me ITS THEM. Walk in light and love💜
@@felixoupopote come dependency
@@felixoupopote Predators will always find prey, it's survival instincts. Now we're smarter...🤞
As a victim of a 7 year narcissistic friendship, that I cannot seem to end, your videos terrify me. The fantasy world of my relationship with him is so powerful and takes me away from my reality. I have a great life: a good marriage, great kids, a great career, a beautiful house, friends and hobbies YET when he comes around I totally lose sight of everything but HIM and it terrifies me! How he gets inside my head and consumes me when I have so many good things in my life.
Why do I allow him to allow me into his fantasy world?
Your videos scare me as everything you discuss has happened to me, continues to happen to me and I continue to speak with this man. We are not sexual but remote co- workers., yet his name and his voice are beyond powerful and create an escape for me causing severe anxiety and depression. He is an intellectual covert narc who loves to talk!
Narcissism is Terrifying and I can’t seem to escape. It’s addictive and I am stuck in the cycle seeking Freedom.
Sam - thank you for all the insight and growth of my vocabulary.
I feel you. What I am realizing is that I need to focus on my own minds mechanics. Just like Sam is dicing the narcissist mind, what makes me want to get in the fantasy world? What makes you get inside the fantasy world and sign a psychological contract with this person? For me, I do see reality but how I process reality is the issue. So is it that you twist the reality or process reality differently?
First, you are spot on about our involvement - May I thank you Sam, for your brilliant and insightful work! I am a beneficiary of a narcissist in more ways than one! how? I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 6 years. After the first year, and after a particularly verbally abusive outburst from him, I had an epiphany! He so completely and emotionally broke me that he actually helped me to really find myself. I was in a bad place when we met and needed love and compassion. Once he broke me, I began to recover, I learnt about myself, went to therapy and started working on myself. Eventually on a day I decided to disagree with him, he physically attacked me - I went to the police and he was arrested. That was 8 months ago, and my therapy continues, his abuse actually opened my eyes to myself and I have grown stronger and become a new independent self… with strong boundaries!
I have had so many theories about this from my own experiences, and have heavily wondered if narcissists primary supply and main supply were motherly figures that created a dynamic where they could reenact their childhood and either humiliate the person in the parentified role as a form of displacement or to act out trying to create the attachment that will create a safe place for them to explore the world similarly as a child would. I’ve also wondered if outside supply (like that of a mistress) is their way of enacting on their buried fantasies that involve that of what they believe society has deemed “bad”, or extra partners that are along the lines of what a teenager would seek out. When I’ve met and seen narcissists in action, the main supply tends to seem motherly/fatherly, and the mistresses histrionic, borderline, antisocial, and grandiose, which feeds into their fantasies of power and grandiosity, especially if they’re histrionic, which those partners are just another sign of their underdevelopment. Mainly this seems to be the case because now one of their partners is almost just as special as themselves (obviously not quite), but their partners histrionic tendencies draws a lot of attention and they not only have a “trophy” side piece that they believe everyone wants, but they get to degrade that trophy to being just a side piece, feeding into their belief that they are the most desirable and everyone insatiably wants them, because to them, even the one person who seems to be desired by all their competitors will settle for crumbs and the bare minimum just to get a minute of their time.
love your views, especially noting that the narcs primary supplies in my case was always from the "light" kind, responsible abd stable women with oodles of unconditional love and his extra supply was always from the "dark" drug addict, sexually exploitable and very unstable. Poles apart.
I was way older than my Narc. He convinced me totally he wanted to marry me and it never happened. It exploded last month when I said no to no more money. I first time seen his Rage and he turned into someone I never seen it coming at all. He targeted me from the very beginning and manipulated me to the core. I never had it ever happen to me like this. I’m devastated and in pain. Thank you for explaining it.
I was hurt at first from narcissist but this is disgusting and I feel free
Never in my 32 years of life have I ever seen or listened to a professional go as deep into the psyche. Last night I watched the video you posted about the Narcissist and Borderline relationship. I have BPD. My boyfriend is a covert narc. Exhusband is an actual diagnosed grandiose Narcissist.
You simply blow my mind.
Ownnnn…. What pit of you…. Só victim you are….
@@lunay.advogado ?
@@lunay.advogado While I do not fully understand your comment please do not invalidate, shame or make light of other people's experiences. If you do not fully understand the subject then researching will do you a lot of help. Have a blessed evening.
You've described my situation perfectly. My question is why one discard isn't enough to bring about the desired result. It seems to be a never-ending cycle of the discarding of a "mother figure" which, although giving the narcissist temporary control over a "stand-in" for his mother, has not brought about separation from his own, actual mother. Or something to that effect.
I just realized something myself, which relates. ( Pun unintended).
My dad was a serial wife beater, till she died of old age. When he was 9, his father died a prisoner of the Gestapo. He then had to become a street fighter to feed his siblings. One day he discovered his mom was donating his money to the church.
In his bouts of anger, and beatings, he kept reminding us his mom was a "nincompoop". Since my mom died, he changed, and became a wonderful friend. However in time, l found myself to be vilified by him, despite doing so many things in his garden during lockdown, where l was stuck with him. The gaslighting, lies and name- callings resumed. Leopards NEVER change their spots.
Look into repetition compulsion.
He is still very connected to his mother. She spoiled him rotten and he is now taking care of her in her old age with dementia. She doesn't want him with me or anyone else.
I have to say after 28 years experience this makes sense, there’s no denying it.
This was brilliant and extremely insightful. This video saved me this morning and I believe was an answer to my prayer. I've been ruminating and blaming myself for being devalued and discarded. He is the voice in my head and it's confusing and hurtful. This gave me so much clarity. I'm going to follow you and get as much knowledge and self help as possible. Thank you 😊💜
Jennifer, it takes time but it gets easier. I don’t hear mine anymore, and many days I don’t even think about him. Good luck.
The individuation via discard is apparent and profound related to relationship with mother.
It indeed parallels and supports my experience with the narcissist and more so the etiology of the phenomena as it relates to its origins of past maternal relationship. If only it were as clear to the perpetrators.
Thank you so much !! You have explained so much why my ex acted the way he did . The counsellor told him and me that’s he’s a narcissist but of course he couldn’t accept that and the trauma bond was strong .
I’m now out of it and so much happier with my life . I can live in peace now
Kudos to the therapist that recognized the narc.
Wow finally after watching a million of these videos I finally understand what is going on behind all of this behavior.
WOW! This was seriously profound. I love how you talked about our disconnection from nature and how that contributes to narcissism. There is a documentary called "Ancient Futures" that covers this in a way. It follows this indigenous culture through a process of urbanization and monetization and they actually captured on the film how it destroys them culturally. Where there was once abundance and joy, connection, cohesion and high quality of life, it becomes a mirror of our Western culture with narcissism, depression, poverty, suicide, and crime. I HIGHLY recommend watching it for anyone who is interested in these ideas!
Thank you. I've been hunting for a good documentary. This idea of Narcissism being linked to urbanization and technology is both fascinating and horrifying to me
........ yes, it's very scary isn't it.
Thank you. Makes so much sense, it's exactly this way. Spot on! Complete neglect after the initial period of "normal relationship". Sadly, there are "friends" who kept asking me "what did you do to make him neglect and abandon you?" "It takes two to tango". Ive left such "friends" behind, much to the narcissist's delight. Duper's Delight. The craziness is incomprehensible, but I'm the one who "looks crazy" describing a crazy relationship.
Those who have experienced it believe you
This the absolute worst of it all, if you haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse yourself no one can understand it. It’s almost like you HAVE to isolate to protect yourself from the slightest negative opinion of others because you already have your brain hijacked by the narc. If it’s not positive and uplifting to MY SPIRIT I absolutely can not hear it. Especially considering the fact that most of us who fall victim to this are extremely understanding, extremely empathetic, always considering what the person is going through. And sadly when your not with someone who pours back into you in this way but does the complete opposite. It’s inevitable that your reality, your feelings, your thoughts get neglected.It’s such a lonely battle.
OMG ~ once again to the point ~ insightful ~ appreciate all your sharing and understanding, it allows for Rapid Healing and is validating.
This is the most insightful thing I've ever heard on the topic. It really does explain everything! My last relationship was with a man 12 years younger with self described "mommy issues."
Devalue and discard were blatant and clear.
Same as me!
Me also !
15 years younger .. his mommy was 10 years older than me.
Same here. His mom was 4 years older than me. He would even mentioned how we wore some similar clothes
I was 10 years older and now he went with someone 15 years younger and he actually said she reminds him of his mother 😵💫
He discarded me and replaced me with his adult daughter. She didn't grow up with him. He idealized and love bombs her. It is just bizarre. I have to wonder if he will discard her. He discarded his mother so I assume so.
I dated a person who did this to me through their daughter. Isolated ,triangle the 3 of us and of course the daughter was sickened by this parent and you could see the power play towards me . Thx no thx -it’s absolutely horrific and abusive like nothing I’ve never seen before. All the best -don’t ever go back .
@@jasonyork9642 ,I understand. I'd never go back to such a messed up person. He ceased to exist for me. He's nothing.
I must add - the last few years have been a paradise for a Narcissist
Its a great type of a character to keep up in a work environment where you ( nowadays) need to be portrayed as a strong individual by being selfish, emotionless, cold and extremely competitive
I can clearly see the difference
Being born and raised in a stable as such society, small town, everything being on time, kids raised with the same values etc ….
Leaving that safe environment, moving across seas and working for big companies- learnt a lot.
I choose to be myself
I choose to stay away from the rat race
I choose to not join the social media and i don’t follow anyone
I choose to ( unfortunately sometimes ) hide in my beach based town away from the city to recover mentally and stay away from noise and anger
I can clearly see in the younger population who was brought up differently to us 40 yrs ago, they are a totally new breed already.
My child will be different again to them and especially to me
Narcissism is hugely celebrated nowadays
Mistaken for strength
Wanted and chased
All the lovely descent values that were in-printed to me as a child are almost no longer respected and needed
I happen to be a sensitive soul with a sharp side ( yeah i can bite when needed ) - and its tough i must say
Finding a tribe of people who are kind - its becoming a rare possibility
I am very confused as such as on one hand i wanna be out there and get to know so much more and on the other I’m exhausted from constantly protecting myself from the weirdness out there
My normal is no longer my old society normal anymore if it makes sense to you guys
I do find it challenging as a woman, new mother, etc nowadays to fit in anywhere new
@@jenifernadeau I love u already. Wish we lived close to each other - you sound like a beautiful soul.💕
@Into the unknown ... Wholy cow. You speak my language. I feel the same way about society and the new generation not having the same values I do. I keep going and try to bring kindness wherever I go even if it's not welcome. : D
This is life changing for me I have had been devalued and discarded and did not understand how someone so in love can wake up one morning after loving me the night before and switch off totally for 2 years and I suffered so much became unwell and then he left for a multi billionaire and still stays in contact…. I now know it’s not me
I had this situation with my ex who cheated on me, then discarded me... After a committed relationship... She had this very weird connection with her mother who passed on 9 years ago... And this video made complete sense... In a way, she made me a surrogate mother and then dumped me to obtain her separation-individuation.
Ah, Sam, the Adjective King! I love how you explain with multiple adjectives. Makes everything so clear. Thank you.
This is really good. Thank you so much for sharing this!
So insightful and exactly right! Thank you!
Thank you so much. This was a much needed and very timely reminder that I needed to hear today!
Just ‘Wow!’ Thank you Prof Sam, you have clarified so much in this video. Important understandings. The last section was unexpected - Metaverse, agriculture, urbanism, nature etc etc had me totally absorbed. I live in rural countryside and am mostly self sufficient for food,, so everything you say makes so much sense and resonates with me. Thank you!
Thank you , once again. This was extremely helpful
Professor Vaknin, this is pure gold. Your continued clarification on all subjects, especially narcissistic personality disorder, is appreciated. I navigate relationships with much more ease thanks to your brilliance and insight.
Thank you, Sam! 🙏 The last 9 minutes are particularly shattering.
This is excellent! Thank you, Sam!🙏
This was among your finest work, Dr Vaknin.
Interesting and inspiring perspective. Thank you very much for sharing
Very Liberating ! You placed the last piece in this multi-D puzzle ! Thank you Deeply !
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with the world, Professor Vaknin, it certainly keeps me in reality.
I follow ALL of these video's (thanks for what you do)...Covert in my life...THIS is probably the BEST "explanation" that my mind can grasp (in the area of not blaming oneself) over the CONSTANT (honestly its like having a fourth kid)..games, disloyalty (which you don't even "realize" until your too deep in).. and lies and deceit that get orchestrated over decades by these sneaky folks. Lucky we have people like you to help us hold up the sword of "truth" (and under standing)...
Wow!! Awesome !!! You are absolutely amazing!! Your explanation on this topic is the BEST!!! I’ve heard on CZcams!
This is very eye opening and extremely informational.
Thank you Professor Vaknin! This information is so helpful to me.❤️
Thank you Professor Vaknin for another extremely thoughtful and illuminating reflection on narcissism.
I so appreciate you! Thank you so very much. I received great acknowledgment of what my experiences and thoughts most of my life’s figuring things out have been. I stay in nature! Illuminating and such profound truths! Please keep sharing with us! Sending Love and GraceLight Blessings to You !!
Thank you. Powerful, thought provoking message. Especially the premise of human conduct, culture, and maturity.
Thank you Dr. Vaknin for sharing your understanding of this subject.
I chuckled when I thought about how the narcissist that was in my life was so hell-bent on instant gratification in all ways that he mocked me when I purchased a bag of pistachios still in their shell. This was something that he educated me on that why would he take the pistachio out of the shell when they can be bought pre-shelled.
I very much appreciate you explaining the correlation of the individuation and separation phase of a child from his mother to the devaluation and discard phase of the "relationship" that I was in. This makes all the sense in the world as the expression goes. I was only an introject and my objective existence was not part of his programming or plan. I was substituted by an avatar.
I am grateful for all your information. Thank you
Thank you for posting this video, and it is giving me a MASSIVE insight.
He's explaining how the narcissistic person creates a puppet relationship with the person who is codependent with them, in order to re-enact childhood enmeshment and lack of boundaries with the mother / parent / caregiver.
And how that person externalizes all of their sense of self outside of themselves, and hands over their sense of authority, their sense of decision making, their sense of self and confidence, externally onto the narcissist.
Basically, what he describes as "hollowing out" of the interior of the inner self of the enmeshed person, and in doing so, that person becomes completely reliant on the external person - the narcissist - for validation, for self-reflection. Because they completely lack an inner self. Because they have been turned into a puppet to reflect the narcissist back to themselves, so that they feel superior and in control.
This completely validates everything I have come to realize over the last year, and the reason why a narcissistic person does this is because they too lack an inner self and they require attention and validation from others, from the external, in order to feel that they exist in the world. They are empty of an inner self and have to suck on other people in order to be validated.
But the big insight is that this whole setup is due to the complex of factors from one's childhood, because as a child, you build your self-identity based on your caregiver, based on your parent / mother. For me specifically, it took YEARS to separate my actual inner self identity from my mother. It took years to differentiate between what is my authentic self, and what is hers.
Because I inherited unresolved intergenerational trauma that was passed down to me from my mother and my mother's epigenetic family lineage, and I took those traumas into myself and made those traumas my own, I therefore have spent the rest of my adult life trying to differentiate between what is mine and what is hers. Coming to the point of inner authenticity is a big job, because we have allowed ourselves to be hollowed out and replace ourselves with our inherited trauma.
Wow, very interesting. I worked with another therapist years ago that talked about past trauma we carry in our DNA from our ancestors. We don't know our lineage from 3 or more generations back. I recently had a healing session called chord removal. Some First Nation Indiginous People recognize and work with this. Fascinating to me, in this life school.🌞🌱
MINDBLOWING!!! So obvious what you are sharing! Really Sam , you have given me insights about what happened and also made many lights go on for me. With some people we just need to see the cycle that is happening. Also i ave been learning more about what i have done, made myself doubt myself. Something in us, always knows what is true or not. We just need to LISTEN.
This is sheer brilliance.
Fabulous content! So many insights...
This right here. Of all info I have learned from you. It all make complete sense now. Thank you for this gem of information. This will change my life.
Omg this just explains sooo much to me .
Thank you 🙏
Excellent lecture. Thank you. I learned more listening to this lecture than months of lectures by other lecturers.
From Australia, Thank you Sam
This precious information resonates to my
very core
Listening to you revealing these truths feels like I have just come home and everything is going to be okay. You just make so much sense.
Thank you again Sam
Lots of appreciation
Jude
I have thought this was at the root of my experience with a Narcissist. Thank you for confirming it for me.
Thanks I've never watched such an insightful video on this subject and this has helped me see what I'm dealing with with great clarity
Good to see you on again Sam...as I try to drop in and refresh your N warnings! Love your creative analogy of urbanization and the Metaverse. Regardless of the tech...all are socially constructed realities. Just up the N's alley! Well done and thanks for the uploads!
Brilliant! I loved the last chapter!
Only at the start of the video and I'm crying I'm so grateful. So much appreciation for this knowledge! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so very much! I can't wait to hear the rest and probably watch few more times ❤️⚡🧠
This was the most thought provoking and powerful statement I have ever heard on this subject. It puts it in a totally different context than I have ever heard and it’s like the pieces of the puzzle come together. The new frontier of the meta verse, web3, represents a very frightening view of what is to come as well. This gives new meaning to getting back to nature. The absolute dire need to cultivate the sense of nature within yourself and the life you create for yourself and the people you surround yourself with as well and also, the need to maybe limit the sphere of people in your life in order to preserve this calmer and more mature sense of nature within ourselves.
Were I to recommend just one of your many excellent videos as a starting point it would be this one. Thank you Professor Sam I needed to learn exactly the topics you cover so well.
Just blown away. Thank you!
Wow this one has it all. Amazingly insightful and not overly damning of the unfortunate narcissist either. Thank-you so much!
Very intellectual video you taught me a lot about what I've been through. Although the hurt is still there now I could relate and be able to forgive him for what he did to me. Thank you
Thank you so much. Thank you so much for your work that is truthful, very complete. And healing. Thanks
Very deep, culture-wise not just psychology-wise!
Yaaay :’) welcome back!
Thank you. You have perfectly described exactly how I have been treated by a malicious malignant narcissist. Incredible insight - especially destructively taking over the inner critic. Devalued and stripped out, questioning my own reality. Victim of lies and smear campaign. Very very helpful, I'm recovering now.
What a great insight - thank you Dr. Vaknin
This is brilliant, Sam. Glad I watched this… recommend everyone to!
Excellent from beginning to end.
Masterclass! Full of knowledge
And heart. Thank you.
One of the best narc videos that I have seen! I watch a lot about this personality disorder! Wow! Thank you.
Thank you for this excellent lecture.
Wow! I’m speechless! Thank you
he cracks me up! love the humor he uses that accompanies his level of seriousness that this subject demands.
Wow ,brilliant video. Explains so much things that I was asking myself about my situation with my soon to be ex husband.
Yes,only someone lived with narcissist can understand the meaning of what the professor said.
Thank you prof Vaknin
Good morning, long time no see, thanks for your video. Great video!
Thankyou for this , most helpful information for my healing. My ex narc stole my mind , gonna take a long time for me to be me again , I thought I could save him but it was doomed from the start. I really appreciate your videos, I read your book everyday ,good to have you back on here . 😊
Check out coach Corey Wayne’s book 3% man
Professor Vaknin ! Wow just Wow! I feel as though i have been a case study within Narcissism. Been the victim ( no longer) for over 3 decades. Married to a Grandiose Narc, his Mother a Covert Narcissist - playing the Only Adult role amongst these people. Raising kids - in the middle of these adult toddlers. I was a stay at home mom, i worked a small amount outside the home at first but then it became possible for full time. The human amount of Energy i wasted on these people Energizes me to go forth with 100 % no more mrs. nice girl. I spent the whole time analyzing why these two felt they could play evil tug of war over everything. What you said Was So Amazing to me about City Life versus Rural! My parents grew up rurally and understood the value of labor ( this is not to criticize anyone outside my personal journey). I then was raised with a Family business and other labor projects my Dad took on. It was totally expected that i as a female chip in, when i was 16 I started other jobs outside the Family etc. My husbands Grandparents were at the ages to participate in WWII. Then when they raised my MIL they taught her the value of hard work, but nothing too much. She being a Covert Narc, who was told she was Perfect while her only sister was belittled with a nickname that portrayed her as being overweight ( we saw all the old pictures and the only thing she had was more pronounced cheeks - not at all overweight). I understand that now, would be like Golden Child and Scapegoat…the Perfect MIL (Ha Ha Ha). She decided her only son would only play constantly, maybe pick up his very organized toys - which she would also sell off yearly without his knowing just to decrease items in the home ( and I know also to be popular with the people she would sell them to for one quarter - yes 25 cents for a whole bucket full). It was a Win Win for this admiration monger. Then she would make the Whole year about if you behave good you will receive Big from Santa. Give me a Break! I had like 10 toys my whole time growing up. Imagine her Anger when my husband said we would not be making a big deal of santa - how could she maneuver and buy everyone without this. My MIL and her sister went on to have good jobs and full careers - but did not pass on the values to their children…more pampered and coddled. They were more city folk and even thought nursing children was Wrong, embarrassing, and not civilized - So as I nursed all of my children ( modestly) another reason to disvalue me. When my first child was just about five - as we ourselves were figuring out our next steps as parents - my MIL says surely then you will go back to work. Who did she assume should raise my child? Disgusting. She comes across as demure…Such a False disguise as she is a Covert Narc. I do not believe inlaws need to disagree and be distant and unloving. So I actually was always trying to be kind and inclusive and respectful - thinking if she sees good things she will seem more accepting and less behind the scenes judgemental - So often these criticisms - tug of wars were between them, over phone conversations etc. Now that I AM UNDERSTANDING more fully - I LOOK BACK with new Clarity. , my MIL says she taught by example….Ha! She three decades later still declares that. She has always devalued her son - at the same time ACTING demure and wanting Everyone to sing her praises. All because he did not chose the career path she wanted him to and did not learn by her example. All the while Exactly as you said expecting me to act as mommy - doing everything. I have always kind of concluded the difference from Country to City Life was also the fact that in the Country you have enough of your own business to mind - where some in the city ( my MIL) everything was easier. Again this is no unkind thoughts to the city life - just different and for some individuals not productive.
This makes so much sense!
I've long known I would not have been the only victim but it is so validating to realise a perpetrator would do this to a bot too.
Wow this was the best of all I have sent this to my children. Thanks so much
Whoa! Lots of things to think about there, Professor. Got to pause this to think.
Thank you Prof.Vaknin . This video is an absolute gem!
You are spot on and it's horrifying.
Thank you so much Sam for explaining this…. Educating people of narcissistic abuse.❤