If You Hear THIS, You're About to Get Your Heart Broken
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- čas přidán 15. 06. 2024
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How do you know if someone’s really over their ex?
Sometimes you meet a person who ticks all your boxes, but they also haven’t 100% gotten over the heartbreak of their last relationship. Of course, the first questions you ask yourself are: “Is this a huge red flag? Does it mean they are emotionally unavailable? Should I walk away?”
This is a really important topic in today’s video, and my answer to this probably isn’t what you’d expect.
Give it a watch to find out the signs you can look out for to discern whether someone is truly a bad bet or if they have real potential.
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:45 - Real Potential vs. Really Bad Bets
0:45 - 1:35 - Do Time and Relationship Length Matter?
1:35 - 3:05 - #1 How Raw Is the Emotion?
3:05 - 4:31 - “The Love Myths” Last Chance
4:31 - 5:38 - #2 Are They Serious About Moving Forward?
5:38 - 7:21 - #3 Are They Protective Over What They Have With You?
7:21 - 9:00 - An Illusion of Massive Connection
9:00 - 9:56 - A Journey to Get Results Faster
9:56 - 10:46 - Genuine Emotion vs. Intention
10:46 - 11:41 - Reversing How We Make Decisions
11:41 - 13:39 - Your Best Chance
Not everyone who's not over someone rambles on about an ex. Sometimes it's the opposite. They never discuss the person. They hide how "not over" the person they are. That's also something to watch out for.
Facts. Refusal to talk about the past or exes is also another red flag.
I think that’s what my new guy is doing. He says he believes in living in the moment but he never says anything about his past.
@@UnfazedPhoenixthat is what you call a healthy brain not living in the past holding on to baggage. People here are all so low iq and read to much gossip magazines.
💯
@@TheVeggiekat sounds like he's hiding from his past. not sure what from, he just doesn't want to look at it
After breaking up from a toxic relationship, a narcissist for eg, its believed in professional circles that a person’s mind and system needs about a year with themselves to detox and deprogram from the person to feel somewhat whole again and to be able to engage in a relationship.
It should be like that but unfortunately almost no one does that and that isn't to say that u can't heal with the right person
And if that person has grown up as a scapegoat in a narcissistic parental relationship, and then partnered up with someone like that, they need a whole lot longer than a year.
Very serious people will take time off to get well and detox and get those introjects out of their brain.
The unhealthy co-dependent will just continue to repeat these destructive relationships.
A lot longer
@decimusvitae they think about themselves alone, and their enjoyment goes to NEXT level, because they have no contradiction, no pushback in their minds or from the external telling them they have no right to do this. They cannot hear pushback, it sounds like an affront on their rights as a human being. They don’t live in reality, so they damage any mind/victim that gets too close, until and unless the victim can relearn that the twisted rights of this person is not what reality looks like.
I will keep that in mind. I believe the longer the better so a year is a good amount of time. Good advice, Thank you
Walking away is extremely powerful. I experienced it from the other side: I was not fully over my ex, I realised it and communicated it to the guy I was seeing (for like a month). He set his boundary and simply left. This blew my mind, created huge respect towards him, and it even inspired me to work even harder on moving on. Seeing someone this mature, someone with healthy boundaries is actually very motivating, it reminds me that there are guys out there for whom it's worth it to be finally over my ex. 🙏
BEST comment
Kudos! Wisdom...😊
You blew it.
@@GUITARTIME2024Elaborate 😂
@DiaMul actually, what was the boundary he had? As long as you weren't still dating the last guy, and were genuinely interested in the new guy, why did he walk. There's more to this.
Available mentally, emotionally, physically …. and do not overlook LEGALLY.
YES 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sigh…
lol what does this mean? I’d assume we’re all talking about adults here…
@@Avogadros_numberlegally divorced? Not just separated or in divorce process im assuming
Of a certain minimum age
Don't waste your time with someone who is not over their ex. It's not fair on you to be theur rebound. Just find someone who is ready to fully invest in you.
so true.
I Fall more for rebounds to be honest..
Rebound sex is fantastic
Like there was a lot of ready people
I remember when I asked my boyfriend if he was ready to get married yet , after 2 years from the first discussion about it, and he said” no, you deserve better than me” he was right of course, his next girlfriend, he married almost immediately, and after a few years together, she cleaned him out financially and demolished him mentally. Such a shame.
I'm sure you're so sad for him. Lol
Yep!
“If they’re not physically available it doesn’t matter how much connection or attraction there is.” -Mathew
BTW I love watching your videos @ Matthew Hussey.
So true.
I regrettably got into an emotional affair with a married woman and it was just like a fun distraction for her meanwhile she was still married and I didn’t know how to stop but it wasted a lot of my time and felt wrong and made me feel bad.
Walking away is so hard especially when you like the person and you have chemistry.. but that self respect thing is so real. You don’t feel it right away but it pays off later on. PLEASE have the strength to walk away if anyone’s going through this
Truths but he needs to differentiate from a narc being so intrusive in a persons life! My one marriage was almost 30 years and he remarried and still intrudes and try’s to hang with my family (parents) parents friends and turn kids away from me…it’s truly sick! Dont we deserve a life too? We do and the right classy people understand thank God and this guy is so off and making it up as he goes! He needs to look at other situations. People could pass up a good spouse! 🤦♀️🤦♀️.
@@Portia620 that’s easy, it’s a called a restraining order lmao
You wont miss anything thats truly for you. After narc abuse building yourself and a life for yourself is key building with someone new should only come after that ...
Thank you.
Amen! Just because you have chemistry with someone doesn't necessarily mean you're supposed to end up with that person long-term. Don't ignore the red (and even what I call "pink") flags because it can be so easy to do when you want a relationship to work out. You deserve someone to be head over heals about you, not just ho-hum about you.
I dated someone who was getting over their ex and the shock separation of their parents. I was also just out of a breakup. We liked each other and took our time. No pressure from either of us and everything was a slow burn. We've been together for 15 years now. Married for 10 and have two beautiful children. We're best friends and have a loving and understanding relationship. You can't choose when the right person comes into your life.
Love this. I was dating someone while getting over my crush and i knew i couldn't let him go. There was something special. We too were taking things very slow and are really happy now. Nice to hear and experience that it can work out.
This was exactly my thought on all of this - there are just no hard and fast rules to totally protect yourself. Being open but cautious with others (like being there for one another and standing the test of time with a slow development)rather than jumping in head first or looking at life in black and white with no gray area is really what I’ve found in to be the key to finding my ‘person’ and even my people in general.
I’ve been hanging out (dating? Going on dates? What’s the vernacular these days?) this guy that is getting over a divorce… the chemistry and calmness is there between us, he’s been honest around his processing of the end of their marriage (she was very toxic… as i also just ended an on-off-again relationship with my very toxic ex too). We are taking it very slow, have great dates and solid conversation… but It’s so recent his divorce that I’m questioning whether he is ready or not, and after watching this video I think I have to draw my boundary and leave; but then i read your story and I get more confused… is patience and support the thing that will inevitably make this go forward? Or is it drawing a boundary? I don’t know.
@@gabriellerivera7551Matthew says all the time, invest a little bit, then see if they’re investing back the same. Then you can invest a little bit more, and then see if they come towards you with investment in you a little bit more. Taking it slow isn’t just about time, it’s about observing what’s happening during that time. Coldly, rationally observing.
I wish I heard this 8 months ago. I got stuck in the path of someone who was still raw from the trauma of their past relationships and I just became collateral damage. Looking forward to a future of treating myself with more self respect and honouring my standards.
Just listen to how he talks about his exes and his previous relationships. Does he play the victim? Does he make it seem like everything was their fault? Does he take any responsibility for his part? People will tell you who they are, you just have to listen.
Great username 😂
Listen.....and believe them!
PREACH, Matthew. Time has nothing to do with it. I spent three years making the decision to leave a 17-year relationship. It hurt like heck but I felt relief when I finally got divorced. I agree, many people carry a torch for their ex. You shouldn't date while grieving your ex. I'm sick of separated people breaking hearts right and left because they refuse to poop or get off the pot. Ladies, don't waste your time with separated dudes. You'll get your heart broken every. Single. Time.
That’s true in any genre I dated a dismissive avoidant ex she got her heart broken by her ex I met her after Invested. In her we matched perfectly I had the most beautiful half year of relationship all came down when she felt like she was to into the relationship and started fearing commitment and her dismissive avoidant attachment style kicked in tryd my best to help but we had a unhealthy dinámic of push pull for the remaining months it was horrible I got my heart broken really bad in the end we both hurt each other the best thing we can all do men our women after a divorce our breakup take the time to heal and grow and love yourself again if not you’ll end up hurting yourself and a potential good companion in life it’s painful to grow but it’s worth it learn from the past and grow
Gents, same thing applies !
Preach it girl 💯🫶🏻
100% facts.. 80% of divorces are initiated by women.@@wulfclaw4921
Amen!
Never date someone still recovering from an ex! If you are a comfort to someone recently single, you are a bandaid. When they heal they throw away the old bandaid.
Dam, that's true.
Not true, i needed love and comfort after years of emotional abuse. Found a person with which i though i would spend rest of life. She dumped me 3 months later when i needed her most...
Yes.. I’ve just spent 6 years being a bandaid for someone.
Not always true life isn't just black and white
I did what you say. The man who I dated for two months. We had so much chemistry with each other. But a month ago he told me he wasn’t ready for boyfriend and girlfriend title (which hurt my feelings so much because in the past two months he was treating me with so much passion and like we were in a serious relationship) I did tell him if you are not ready I am going to create a beautiful relationship with someone else. Even though I cried so much and in pain, I blocked his phone anyway.
You did the right thing, by walking away you always win. If you are meant for each over he will come back and will give you what you want, if not you are not wasting your precious time
That guy has problems you really don't want to be exposed to. I'm so glad for you that you walked away.
Passion is not Love.. Best wishes on healing from this relationships "Pretense "of Love.
Same thing happened to me. I was feeling extremely guilty for blocking him.
I am sorry but you and many, many other people have a major issue with BLOCKING. For what reason did you need to block him? Because you didn't get what you want and are incapable of even a basic friendship? Blocked him so you can have a better time finding someone you want and not thinking about him? Something very, very wrong in current society where we have so, so many people blocking good friends and ex's because their communication skills are on par with a 5 year old. I would NEVER block someone just because I have feelings for them. Blocking is reserved for when someone is harassing you and won't leave you alone. Instead you all treat people like literal tools you can dispose of and pick back up when you want. Its a joke.
If a man is truly protective over you, he wont keep talking about his ex.
Had to replay that last part again and again. Respect yourself, and walk away. If you love someone, let them go. And if they do not come back, then they were never meant for you anyways!!
Thank you.
what happens when they let you go and you try and try again but they don't let you back in. It hurts a lot. I made a bunch of mistakes and I paid the price.
In other words '' Run and never look back '' he he !
Cringe
Took me 3 years to figure out this guy just wasn’t really available. I was just in his path. … now learning, growing, respecting myself. You have been so critical in my journey. Sincere Thanks. Feeling clearer and ready to get out there again. Can’t say eyes wide open, but at least they’re more wise.❤
This means a lot to me. Glad I could be there for you.
Really like how you worded your paragraph, spot on.
Watch it as there are guys that just find reasons to keep you as a side piece and not take you seriously. Even if he says "he is not ready" or "I am getting over an ex", that might not be the truth and he simply knows that he doesn't want a future with you. Just go for the guys that want something serious with you without all this hesitation.
I feel you. same here. moved cities with kid after 2 year dating and it got quite clear he was not ready living together. but I still needed some acting out disrespecting my low boundaries before I finally cut him out of my. life
3 Precious YEARS WASTED; Time Wasted is like GOLD wasted. The most Precious thing You have in YOUR ENTIRE LIFE is TIME. Do not throw your Pearls to Swines.
I don't believe in this emotionally available theory. If they like you, believe me, they will move heaven and earth to be with you. If they don't, they will run. Simple things.
So true. When they wishy washy means they dont know what they want. And they also date to have other option and to not be lonely.
I agree. A long time ago I thought I fell into this category until I met a girl that I really liked and my thoughts about a relationship completely changed. I wasn't clingy .. I wanted to make her happy and was genuinely interested.
My ex told me he was single when we first me 2 years ago. I found out he was married even when he was calling me "his girlfriend". So I made the decision to end it. Now I'm firmly single best decision I ever made
Such a good moment in my personal situation, when a few weeks a guy adored me, seems to desire me but once he made me a cold shower by saying "I m a type of guy who only love once in a lifetime" (and it was with his fiance 8 y ago). Im glad he warned me from himself. Luckily I was enough strong to left him out after these words. Thanks Mat for assuring me!
So awful to hear those words, but it gave you clarity that you deserve so much more and to feel special and not like second best, that there is no doubt you are their world. I hope you will find the right one ❤
I'm autistic and I absolutely refuse to speak ill of my past ex's. Anybody that needs me to hate people I used to love to be with me cab screw off, and I'm not going to lie about my feelings, ever.
Thank you for saying it's not about time. Even my best friend kept saying, you should be over him already, your relationship wasn't that long. He was a narcissist and I didn't know. I was as in love with him as I've even been in my life. He hurt me so profoundly that it almost destroyed me as a person. My heart and mind were so sick that my body got sick too. I'm just now really over him and rebuilding my body. Hearing you say it out loud was very validating. I have no interest in a relationship until I'm fully healed. But I'm educating myself in the meantime. (It's been 2+ years)
Sounds exactly like my situation! It does get better but it’s always difficult to explain to people even the ones close to us, A narcissist is not a normal person so it’s never gonna be easy in the aftermath ❤
Please don’t listen to your friend, narcissistic abuse can really do a number on your mental health and self esteem. Take care of yourself, don’t feel ashamed for taking your time and and make note of the things that revealed his narcissism to you so that you don’t get into the same situation again
@@AM-ut7dg I'm working on myself believe me lol it's just a relief to hear someone respected in the community say it. So few people in my immediate circle really understood and the ones that should've were the worst. They don't want to face their own pain so they didn't want to see mine either.
I've leaned allot about allot.
@@kaoshi_kutie (((hugs)))💖
@@kaoshi_kutie: This is so true. Emotions and experiences with a narcissist are so amplified because they spend an exorbitant amount of their time studying how to manipulate people.
After 40 years, the pain is still there, but I don't obsess about it. Life goes on, but hurt doesn't ever leave us.
You've got the spirit of a true rocker - keep playing your life's melody with courage Jane!
Time will evaporate any emotions. Just live for our happiness not for others
Completion process by teal swan
Very well said! Your post is so full of wisdom. I needed this insight, thank-you!
I find that many who were freshly out of a relationship and then hurrying into a new one are the type who want to be loved while having the new love to be a free therapist to listen him/her talking about the dearly departed.
Basically, bringing up their ex is a huge red flag. Especially complaining or comparing you to them
That's something my ex would say
My ex was still not over his ex after 20 years even though his ex has been married for 10 years with 3 kids. It is sick! And I was sick for falling for it. Never again! If someone is not really really deeply interested in getting to know me as a person And not investing, I do not want them. Thank you, next!
I have run into a lot of guys who had their hearts broken by "The One" in their early 20s/college and never learned how to heal from it 10-20 years later! I think it is from a lack of men's therapy plus I think sone men may actually just romanticize the memory of an ex in order to block emotional intimacy with other women.
Men don't compare notes or get fatherly advice like girls do
@@Sidera17I think humans do that. I'm a woman and I can see that I may be at risk of doing that. It's a personality type, that may skew more male.
@@ForrestMystic I am a woman and I had that tendency as well when younger as well. I think you're right about it being a personality trait in part.
After many years of therapy, I learned I attach quick and take longer to get over people, which is one thing. I was also using old exes to sabotage new relationships, and that's what I had to learn to stop doing because I wanted to move forward with people.
I do get mad at the guys I've met who do this in particular because they expect to have a relationship with me but always have an imaginary 3rd wheel you're being compared to. They aren't as honest about being hung up on someone or solving it and end up dragging others into it.
I hope you are doing well out there. I'm currently trying to date again and it is... the desert.
Wrong. I'm a dude. He was over her, he just wasn't that into YOU. Sorry but we're not women.
Point 3. I was with a man in a committed relationship for 5 years. In the third month of our exclusive dating period he said "you know we'll probably break up someday based on our past relationship history" and I stupidly chose to reject those words. Although going on 22 years since we broke up those words still resonate in my mind as though he just said them. I've never been able to fully trust a man since and no, I would not take this man back for a billion dollars. He was destructive to my core sense of self.
Do you regret having spent those five years with this person? Or do you regret it because five years didn’t turn it to 10 years?
Someone said some thing the other day… About just being happy, being in a relationship… And if it ends… Unless there was a Buser cheating or anything… That you had that time together, and that itself was the experience, and that was the reward… All of those Nell moments that you spent together.
I understand that we feel that we make an investment of emotion and we make an investment of time and somehow we want those investments to pay off… Or to produce dividends in the future, in terms of continued emotional connection, and the longevity of the relationship itself. I mean, I think that’s completely reasonable and very normal human way to feel. At the same time… As I said, what we are sharing is a series of now moments with another person. And the next moment it’s not guaranteed. The next month of life itself is not guaranteed. But we don’t shy away from living and growing
I hope you find a way to heal to move forward in your life… Loving yourself, and being content with you with another person or not. And I hope you do heal enough to be open to the possibility of another relationship, if that’s what you want.
So sorry to hear that. It sounds like those words left a deep imprint on your heart, and it's brave of you to share that. Remember, past relationships can cast a shadow, but they don't define your future. You've carried this for 22 years - such a lot of strength and resilience you've built!
That is so hurtful and messed up wtf
I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Only about 5 months after breaking up w my college gf, I met a girl who I was very attracted to. She began to work at the bar I was going to after work almost everyday and after only the second or third time that we had talked, she began to call me her “future ex-boyfriend” which Imo
I'm a man and I love this channels. I appreciate when the advice is generic for both men and women
I'm late to the party, but I just noticed your wedding ring, Matthew. Congrats to you & Audrey!!! 🤵🏻👰🏻 💍
Wishing you both a lifetime of love, laughter, and loyalty! 💗
I agree with what you're saying about someone being in a lot of pain. I've had two really intense connections with partners where they weren't trying to get over exes, but they were in a massive amount of personal pain. And even though they said and did things that made me feel like they were emotionally open to me, it became painfully clear that they weren't.
I felt proud of myself for how much I was able to give to them when they needed it, and how unafraid I was to be there for them, but it was also really heartbreaking when, despite everything we went through together, they ended up walking away from me and further into their pain.
It's always important to be aware of when connections with others are emoitionally unequal and how much you are willing to give to someone who is struggling. I realised that a relationship, especially a new one, is usually not the best time for someone to sort their shit out. I'd say it's probably best to either take some space from one another or decide if it's time to move on from the connection if the struggles of the other person massively outweigh their ability to reciprocate with you.
If you’re reading this wishing you True Happiness in 2024 and beyond! You got this ❤
Avoid people going through a divorce. They turn into all the terrible qualities they accuse their ex of being. Its insane!
It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.😂
This is so right. I just dodged a potential bad attachment with someone who is still raw from his divorce. While I had a wonderful time the few days, I knew the timing was off. There is no way he could make room in his heart for what I'm ready for now. I let him come to the decision and thanked him for stepping aside. I'm so grateful for the experience. I think I needed the experience and he helped me reopen my heart that I closed off. It's not easy because Im a loving woman but letting go opens me up to see the person who is meant to be present in my life.
He regrets telling me about his ex….. we work together, there’s a picture of him with his ex and the child that he was raising at work, the pictures at his house of them was insulting I told him how I felt and was told “I don’t even look at them”. I should have walked away when I spent the night and while looking for my toothbrush I came across hers.
Damnit ! As always, video coming on perfect timing … I just got out of a situationship with someone that I thought was ready, and he himself was convincing himself he was ready too.. even if he broke up 5 month ago, we were both very serious, exclusive; talking about future .. but I think he was in denial and I believed him too fast. His ex came back and showed him how much she changed and he began to doubt again, to hesitate . Which wasn’t the case before, as he told me he was over long ago. I felt so betrayed and so in pain ; I had to let him go; he let me leave respectfully because he was so sorry that he was confused again. Now I’m left alone all by myself and can’t help but think he will surely come back if it’s not working with his ex, and this idea of being a backup plan is disgusting me so much but my ego is wounded still.
Thank you Matthew for being here ; I guess for future video it would be great to discuss about how to deal with this pain of “the potential” or “if timing wouldve be better..” ☺️
I’ll bare that idea in mind for future videos!
I was with someone for two years when he started showing that he wasn't over his ex. He was going back to her. I broke it off immediately. Then he started to do that same pattern with me. But with me he stood no chance of getting back. He uses amicable behaviour towards his exes as a means to control/manipulate his current partner(s). Or something
Called the phantom ex. It’s a dismissive avoidant trait. It’s what they do to not get too close and vulnerable with their current partner.
I still talk about past relationships and I’m way past my exes. It was when I wasn’t over them that I couldn’t talk about them
it. just. sucks. i am completely over my narc ex but i am really realizing how psychologically screwed i am from the years of abuse. i'm really good at being alone but i'm in a severely isolated situation and after 6 months like this being alone with no one to bounce ideas off of or physically touch it is really wearing on my spirit. trying really hard, but humans arent meant to be this isolated. i really thought i was ok to entertain having a partner again but now i feel like my brain may be forever messed up. and part of me feels like the only thing that will completely undo it is having a new healthy relationship experience. ive done SO MUCH work on myself for the past 3 years and i dont know if it will ever be enough. scapegoat pain is too much.
Having hope for a better future/connection is such a hard thing sometimes, as I am going through some pain from my past relationship, but, just take the few steps that i can see ahead of me and they will lead me into my light, the center of me, being balanced and at peace with myself, then i know I will be in my right heartspace to attract the right people in my life. Dont lose hope, you will get there in the end 🙏 ❤✨️
I actually don't agree with the part "talking about an ex". Personally I've been heartbroken and I still talk about him (not all the time ofc) but I don't love him or want to have anything to do with him. Sometimes when you feel comfortable with someone you overshare things and I think for some people that must be the case. 🙄
Maybe, but it also shows you are constantly thinking about him and not emotionally available to fully invest in someone else if you are over sharing about past relationship
Man, the last part hit me so hard. I now know what I need to do. Just walk away. Thank you, Mathew!
I really wish I saw this video 3 months ago before I got ghosted. My biggest regret is that I wasn’t able to walk away myself…..instead he walked away first and probably thinks I have no respect for myself. He probably thought “wow why is she still sticking around after I told her more than once I’m not ready for a relationship and I’m emotionally unavailable, after I told her all about my ex and how badly she messed me up.” He told me these things but we would still go out, go to concerts, and I would still try and see him. Still embarrassed about how it ended to this day.
Don't be embarrassed, it will be ok :)
Don't worry. It happens to the best of us. I was seeing a guy for 3 weeks, and in the beginning, things were good. Fast forward, he told me he still had feelings for his ex, and I hardly said anything and walked away. Completely cut contact with him after that. I wish I would have sooner, but he was just so great in the beginning. Just be thankful that you know now before having invested so much into someone. I felt like a complete fool when he told me he still had feelings for his ex. It's never a good idea to ruin your future for someone from your past.
@@miriamsmith1686 yea it’s a horrible feeling especially when everything’s so good in the beginning. Craziest thing is I’d been seeing him since October of last year😭 we’d developed a sort of friendship and then a year later he just cuts me off w/ no explanation lol
Believe me, being the one to walk away doesn't really do anything for your pride.. I was seeing a man, at the beginning everything was perfect, he was so into me, and fast forward to 3 months later I was practically the only one trying to meet up or text or call. I had enough after 3 days of silence (at the beginning we always texted Goodmorning/goodnight) and I decided to walk away, and he let me, just saying that this was a very difficult moment for him - suggesting maybe a more casual thing: I said no immediately, realizing he probably was never really into me to begin with. I can't tell you how many red flags I ignored in order to keep dating him, believe me. So even if I was the one to say "this isn't working, I feel ignored by you, thank you and goodbye" I really feel like I was the one discarded, as he basically was waiting for me to make that move. I feel so rejected and embarassed, because I really liked him.
5 years after dating, we are planning to get married next year. Suddenly he mentioned abt his friends(girls) who were falled for him in different times(with some old regrets😅)!
& I have said what I should do.. just finish your old strings, then come for marriage.😅 I just had to do it.. I don't want half of him..damn it! I want his best self only for me.
This is great. The last guy that I dated was so toxic and I didn't even realize that even though I'm a therapist. He was separated and not quite divorced yet, and every time he would think of her or hear something that reminded him of her, he would start crying. When I told him I didn't think he was ready to move on he would get nasty with me and then tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about because I hadn't been in a 23-year marriage. So yeah.
You're a therapist and didn't realize those glaringly obvious things... that is genuinely scary. Scary in the sense that maybe the profession you're in isn't quite right...
@@UnfazedPhoenix anyone can be fooled since human beings aren't infallible. Incredibly ignorant comment.
@Jonboners sure. However, the situation described is a mess from the start. It's just a bit concerning that someone with training in human psychology couldn't see the giant red flag. Maybe they saw it and chose to ignore it, or there's more context. So I see your point, yes.
Wow, what a fucking maggot! You dodged a bullet
vouch for credibly ignorant. Their point hits hard and sure feels dismissive at first butt.. in~ followed by in~ ain’t just whambam doublentendre but(t) in-frowns on our innate autre. However off piste any “professional” might be, re-presentation resides within. So does the right to speak ones’ truth. To dare for all. Easier said than done..
If you hear, "I don't want to hurt, you..." or "I chose you, but don't want to hurt so, and so..." That person either wants you to stay in his life, but you are on the back burner, or they want to keep that person in their life.
If you hear a guy say "I am interested in you but not your kids." They are not truly interested in you. They are using the kids as an excuse, but it is 100% you they don't want. So don't be a Susan Smith.
Thank you for clarifying what "I dont want to hurt you" means.
Don't bother getting entangled with someone who can't make up their mind. Trust me, whoever gets them will find themselves on an emotional roller coaster ride anyways. About two years ago an old flame pursued me just as my marriage was coming to an end. Since I had history with him, I couldn't fully trust him from the beginning. But he love bombed me hard and made it seem like he had changed. Well it's year two and I'm ready to for the next level to happen after loads of conversations about our "supposed future". Then I discover that his ex is still in his energy. Now this woman was on and off again for about 10 years after we split 20 years ago. I don't want to end up like her, being played with. This guy started ghosting me in October. I can't put up with this like her. She did it for 10 years and counting. I don't think they're officially back together but he is using her to get back on his feet. She is allowing it, so...oh welps.
I bet you will feel so much better when you just close that door and move on to the next chapter of your life.
Once you go no contact he will hoover you. Ignore it. It's hard, I've had to do it but in the end it's the best for you
Points well taken, Matt, especially with respect to "time since the breakup" as a variable that can't be taken at face value. It took years for me to acknowledge that my marriage had gone dormant well before we decided to split. We were both "over it" emotionally by the time we actually chose to officially end it. On that day, it was an altogether civil conversation, eerily similar to a business transaction, which speaks volumes about the state of things. We'd been on autopilot for lack of a better flight plan.
But why would you spilt? A marriage is not based upon teenage intensity love. It is a unity between and man and a woman a lifelong one to raise a family and work through issues. But to always stay together. Not divorced people who never re marry successfully which is like 85% always regret getting divorced when they are old and alone. People seem to think physical attraction will always be there? Old men and old women don’t suddenly stop finding young men and women attractive because they are older. People need to change the way they think.
@@henrycooper4213 probably because they'd become strangers to each other and they just weren't interested in trying to get to know each other all over again
@@henrycooper4213There aren’t many people that give marriage the proper honor, intention, and thought that it should have. Unfortunately.
@@henrycooper4213 While I'll not discuss the particulars, just know that despite the best efforts of all concerned, the relationship failed over time. We can only connect the points of failure in hindsight. IOW, we can sound prescient today, but roll that back ten years and we didn't see it coming.
Agreed, generally I've moved on quickly because I was already processing the end while in the relationship
Wow, that was exactly me. When you're in it you don't really see all of that, or you just choose to ignore it until you learn the hard way.
I was wife #1, wife #2 died couple yrs back..Ex contacts me 1 yr after her death, 33 yrs later, I dont contact back to yet over a yr plus later...not talked, seen this man 33 yrs...He decides hes still grieving...scared...What a mess...
I am guilty as charged. I have been the person who couldn't get over my ex, hoping I would find that magic with someone else but it didn't happen so I let them know as early as I could and let them move on.
This wisdom doesn't just apply to a past "personal" relationship but I can see how the crap in my past as a whole can mess up my relationships with others as a whole.
I love this explanation and advice. 100% on point. I don't want to be a toxic person to another bc I am fked up from things that broke me.
Now that sounds like a better video because he misses the toxic ex that will not allow the ex to move forward with his food in the door stating he loves her family yet he’s remarried. 5 years growing form narcissistic bs and the right person will understand. Being around toxicity makes us sick and toxic for sure if we don’t redirect the stress.
Ps. We are not broke. We have reactive abuse from the manipulation and bs we endured! Not sure we ever heal from insidious abuse and betrayal along with gaslighting but we are far from broken!
This hit so close to home for me as I have recently walked away from a relationship where my ex was not over her ex. We were together for a year and they would show signs that they are still very emotionally attached to their ex and wanted to keep having “friendship” even though I have expressed my discomfort around it. They showed no signs of progression, or effort to get over their ex, so I decided to walk away. I was hoping they would eventually get over their ex and be fully emotionally available one day but I wasn’t gonna wait around any longer. Thanks to Matthew I was able to have self respect and self care and have the courage to leave. I cannot thank you enough for the work you do!! 😊 I’m a gay woman but your content is still very relevant regardless of gender.
It’s taken me years to get over a toxic relationship but I had other things to get over too. With matthew’s help I’ve rebuilt my life and going on another first date on Tuesday. You have to do the work on yourself to become whole again.
I’ve taken part in two/three retreats with Matthew. The last I spent tucked away in my room very unwell with Covid 😢
Please say hi to your incredible team and give Jameson a hug for me. ❤ love you all and have a wonderful Christmas. xxx
I believed it's about time and waited. I wanted to help that person and it's also very hard to go away when the chemistry is there. If I had seen this video back then, I would still stay because I'd tell myself my situation is different. But it was not.
If the other person is not mature enough to get over it before invite someone else to their life, be the mature one and leave. For your and their good. Just don't wait for something that doesn't have to be. You'll only get heart broken.
No relationship with someone still angry with ex or calls ex crazy and wants you as their therapist (they never want or dismiss interest in listening about you)
The guy I'm dating told me how hot his ex was before we actually started dating. I thought that was very strange. Why would he tell me something like that? Trying to make me jealous? Not over her? ugh...
He likes you a lot it means what else lol he just told you his ex whome he had a relationship with, she was just like you...
This was a really good one because it emphasizes the importance to really listen to those very very early conversations that are had between yourself, and a person potential interest
If they were with a narc they don’t leave. My narc is remarried and highly toxic and I can’t move on becsue of the drama as he is infiltrated in my family and I could literally write a book and he said he would be eating Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, and he’s remarried. They have no boundaries they want to destroy you when you’re with the children they do things weird it is so messed up and how do we move on. I have a lot of guys that wanna date me the problem is who wants to deal with this crap? It’s getting better but toxic people never wanna leave. They are truly sick and I haven’t spoke to him in years and even when the children go to see him, I don’t even go out the door to look at them. I don’t know who that person is I was married to a man.
A con man
As a man , i knew when i got my pink slip from work id soon lose my wife.
It took years to revover and even though i found a better job and a new house i cannot get over the feeling thar im only worth what i provided and was never loved for myself
My friends all went through the same thing, most of them fortunately got to keep thier children and have zero contact with thier ex. Im a bit sad i never got the chance to be a father, but im not willing to risk everything again.
.
dang, the "open wounded" one got me bad. She was going through it and just used me for validation and comfort. Thought I was special until trying to go to the next step with her. She wont even give me the time of day. I thought I was unlucky the first couple times trying to set something up... but she literally dropped everything for another man she just met and hopped on an airplane to go see him. The dude ended up just using her... me sitting over here like a dummy wanting to give her my best. Thanks for the gym motivation
I hope you're doing ok!
I'd always be the shoulder that was used to cry on and I used to be so confused coz they shared their deepest/ darkest stuff with me and then how could they walk away.
Its been years, 35 to be exact since my husband and I divorced. I was left with 5 children to support. I Can't seem to get over how I believed the lies, welcomed in his old school friend who later walked off with him. It made me feel so vulnerable and if I'm honest a tad cynical. I have always been a bit of a polyanna but now it Seems I was just turning a blind eye. Mostly because I couldn't understand what was going on. I feel stupid and gullible and still cry about things that pop up in my memory. I loved him so much, I didn't really check to see if I was being loved back. The trauma it has caused my children is devastating and I live with the consequences daily as they seem unable to form a meaningful healthy relationship. How do you recover from that? I feel broken and like a spoke is missing from our family wheel.
Hypnotherapy
Workout live a longer
Wise insights Matthew and I appreciated your nuanced approach, for example, in saying that you don’t think it’s realistic to expect someone to be *completely* over the pain of a break-up before opening themselves up to love again.
Thank you for this video Matt. I watched it from another position: I'm actually that person who broke up recently and wants to build new healthy relationship. You video provided a valuable set of questions for me:
1) Am I really over my ex husband?
2) Do I have my face turned to the past pain or to the future... unpredictability?
3) Do I really want a new relationship?
4) If my ex changed, would it be possible to turn things back?
And the answers showed me that I'm in the beginning of a brand new path, not in the end of the old one 💚
I love that you took it from this perspective. Really cool.
I am in the beginning of a new path, I am open to all the new possibilities provided by the universe, I healed, I see my scars as a reminder of learned lessons and I am not scared of them anymore, I would never ever return to what broke me and I accept the whole new Journey with peace and love 🤍
@@b.maaouiamarwa7798
🌬️🤍YOU, GOT THIS!!!!!
I love this man and how he explains things, it makes so much sense ❤
Best video ever! I wish I had done this for myself. I would have saved 7 months of his narcissistic behavior and then 1 year of detoxing from his abuse and shedding so many tears.
You say it like it was so easy to find available people. If it were, many of us wouldnt be in this position.
My ex talked about his ex-gf from 5 years ago... ALL. THE. TIME. Usually positive (a little too positive) and he still hangs out with her even though she's just a manipulative user and doesn't really like him. I gave it 2 months with him before I said nope. I knew there was a deeper element to why I didn't give it more time but I couldn't put it into words... it was #3 Are They Protective... THAT!
In my heart I felt like he was being way too reckless with our new relationship thinking that it would be OK to be talking about her to me all the time. He was also doing a lot of negging towards me, which I suspected was because he wanted me to be more like her. I felt taken for granted and unappreciated that early on... like who thinks that kind of behavior is conducive to a successful long term relationship, which is what he said he wanted
Now he acts like he's the victim because I dumped him 🙄 Wanna guess who he's talking to about it and spending his newfound free time with? Oy vey
This video helped me realize why my last attempt at a relationship failed and now I feel so much better
Damn man, I would've needed this video 3 months ago. I just dated this great woman for 2,5 months, starting to fall in love and then found out she is everything but emotional available, which broke my heart. Everything was so great, but she is not ready for a new relationship after being single for just 6 months now.
This is a great reminder to admit to ourselves when someone is not emotionally available. It helps to figure out why if possible. I did not catch his drift, why he strings me along without us ever really getting together or advancing. He wrote he was not getting along with his wife, and I was like, huh, you are divorced for 20 years! Much later someone helped me realize plus me connecting the dots that he's one of these rare cases of getting back with the ex, without renewing their vows, but still, this explains it for me. So legally he is available, but emotionally he is not.
Cowards do that
"Friendy" mind set with exes
Never fully available for next person down the road braking other partners heart it's dishonest evil people do that
Matt, I’m about twice your age and unfortunately I had a lot of experience with this. I thought I could love and nurture a man enough to heal him, but the reality was I was just getting him ready to meet someone else.
Wow Matthew, really timely seeing this tonight. Thank you SO so much. Very helpful and I needed to hear it 😢
Yeah I would never date anyone right now or lead them on otherwise, that's completely unfair to them.....and it's been 8 months.
Such a great message Matthew! Thank you for posting this, this was very much needed for me. ❤
“Idk what’s true anymore” 👀 that’s my life slogan now 💀🩷
Mathew you are literally saving me during my time of excruciating pain of traveling across the world for someone who broke up with me once I'd arrived and seen them 💔
If you’re dating someone who is friends with an ex…RUN and RUN FAST…..they are still emotionally connected….
Absolutly right
If stay they will hurt on process
That is a possibility. However, there are a lot of factors to consider: how long ago? How long was the relationship? How often they still talk/see each other?
Regardless, as long as there are boundaries to protect your relationship and the ex partner is a friend of the relationship, not just the former partner.
That was my mistake. In my defense I didn't agree to go out with him until she was planning to move away, but I didn't wait for that to actually occur so that's on me (and of course it never happened). She stuck around and I ended up feeling like the third wheel in my own relationship
Naw, I'm pretty good friends with half of my exes. I dated each of them when I didn't know what I was looking for, So I just dated women that I thought of as good friend neither party has any desire to get back with each other or sleep with each other.
I'm not saying that in general you aren't correct, but if I've learned anything from Matt's channel over the years, it's that these type of blanket statements are usually more revealing of our own hurt rather than them being 100% true.
That said, wishing us both luck on both of our journeys!
@@luckywright7285 I think you are the exception to the rule. Many men don't get over their exes and start dating again even though they're not emotionally available. I've dated 3 men in my life that were so hung up on their ex that our relationship ended up being miserable and died quickly... 2 of those men weren't even still talking to their ex 🙃 Take that situation and add a physically present ex and your relationship with them is dead before it even starts
Yes, this is absolutely true. I was in a relationship for 9 years.. but when I finally decided that I had enough, i had already give many 2nd chances... The last months of the relationship was just a save my heart and move on.. so I moved on quite easily even though I had to still communicate for some practical reasons because the person was still living in my house..
Walking away from an avoidance type, i completely agree. But walking away from a secure type? Maybe not? You have to work with them to show them a better way?
You did a fantastic job in your videos addressing all reasons to walk away. Because of so much content on this, I would even say some of us have become almost too wary of red flags. Can you talk more about green flags and what things make a good idea to keep pursuing a relationship in early stages? It would be very helpful to address more of the dealmakers rather than keep pointing out the dealbreakers, so we can build a solid frame of reference for healthy positive relationships and shift the focus on what does work
I love your comment!! I could use some positive reinforcement myself!
Have no idea. He mentioned his ex used him as a rebound. When I heard that I said "do you need to maybe be with more people before you settle down again?" He very much dismissed that idea. I'm not sure.
Thank you Mathew, I really needed this video today to end this strange situation... its oftentimes so blurry to see through. I am very grateful for your advice.
I didn't even have to watch this video to know the answer to this. If a man or woman mentions their ex and how they are still attached or not over the person, they are NOT into you. When a man or woman is really into you, they will reveal almost nothing that would come in the way of the relationship.
Great video! I recently broke up from a relationship with someone who’s separated but haven’t file for the divorce. Kept me as a secret and never introduced me to no one. I finally got tired of waiting for him. It’s only been six days but I am a 100% this was the best decision. I want someone who’s sure about me and is not stuck in their passe
You are a gem for our recovery and future self protection. God bless you Matt and THANK YOU! 🙏🏻👏
You always manage to hit me with something FRESH, and beautifully thoughtful/insightful!!! Sending your team, and YOU much love!
thank you for making this. my girl is definitely over her ex, was just good to hear some genuine confirmation
Took me 10 years to get over my ex. And it was finally possible because I did a family constellation (after the German Psychotherapist Bert Hellinger). Amazing!!!
I tried for 5 years to repair a 14 year relationship. I outgrew him and he resented me for it instead of embracing my new skills and knowledge he tried to strip me down for it. It was then that my final love embers for him died. I deserve someone who will build me up, not tear me down.
this sounds very good points that you have made. communication is key in a relationship. It does take time for people to get over the past. When people get connected with others there has to be something that works together in order for it to work.
Perfect timely reminder thank you Matt!🙏🙏
NEVER be the rebound person!
for me personally heartbreak can stem from factors that the relationship had nothing to do with. my most recent situation was only three months. when I look back on it we barely even really got to know each other. I was devastated when it didn't work out. Mind you I had a previous 8 year relationship before this, and it didn't hurt nearly as bad as this one.
What made this super short relationship hurt more than any others leading up to it is what I allowed myself to attach to it when it ended. I was flooded with thoughts of maybe I'm just meant to be alone, maybe I don't deserve love, maybe I'm not good enough, the common denominator is me so clearly I'm the problem.
My best friend and I fell in love and spent almost a year together until I found a post she made on an online forum saying she still deeply missed and yearned for her ex. Leaving was genuinely one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I still question if it was the right decision every day. The rational side of my brain tells me it was, but boy do I miss her
Matthew you are a life saver for many ,thank you truly 🙏🏼
Despite being rejected by my crush because of a wide age gap between the two of us, I am unable to get over her. I had planned for us to get married and have a great life together. As it turned out, that was nothing but a fantasy. Your videos are helpful in navigating this challenging phase of life.
How large was the gap and who was the older one? The guy I’ve been seeing is 30 years older than me and I’m crazy about him and it’s mutual.
If someone is that obsessed, a woman’s most peaceful and safe exit can be something factual that can’t be changed. Sounds like she isn’t into it (crush to me means they didn’t date) and him using “rejection” shows he will hold onto it for a long time. I hope he leaves her alone.
That’s called Limerence, looks into it
@@bodaciousmo did you realize all that from one comment?
Sounded reasonable to me. @@bobostyle1996
I recognize the personalities of a few i know in your discussion. It's good of you to share a gentle reminder of characters most of us need to avoid. At least a few words, or actions to pay particular attention to.
Ahhhh ! Oh I so Needed to hear this ❤❤❤ I LOVE you Matt❤ ! ALWAYS GREAT INFO !! I DID WALK . MADE ME SO SAD. BUT I FELT LIKE IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO . SO MUCH MORE TO THIS STORY.😢
Matthew , you always giving us really wisest and smart idea how to date and seeking a good relationship. Thank you.
I think you need time to recover and rebuild yourself but also learn how to take your time getting to know another and to recognize the signs/red flags in order to avoid a repeat with another to manipulative.