what no one tells you about your BREAKUP.
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- čas přidán 2. 06. 2024
- I went through chronic breakups so you don't have to. 💕 For an exclusive 20% off your first month of Ritual use my link: www.ritual.com/CAROLINEW20
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"THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO YOUR BREAKUP"
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00:00 - Intro
1:16 - one of my stupidest breakups
2:46 - the timeline
4:37 - the cycle
7:32 - spiritually sexy
9:22 - thanks to Ritual
11:38 - The thing that’s causing you the most pain
12:33 - Another stupid BREAKUP STORY
15:20 - Should I contact them?
18:58 - Survival Tools that changed everything
23:08 - Are you codependent?
24:40 - good support vs BAD
28:00 - its breakup season
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All opinions are my own. Some links listed are affiliate links which means I earn a small commission if anyone decides to purchase through them. Thank you so much for your support!
Please note that I am not a professional, in fact I am the literal opposite. I am just a plebeian out here loose on the streets. Things that I am NOT: a builder, trainer, craftsman, therapist, nutritionist, physical therapist, medical professional or anything else. All projects seen on my channel must be completed at your own risk and responsibility. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!
#breakup #relationships #RitualPartner #washingtondc
Interior designer, relationship coach, career coach, fitness trainer, she is mother, she is everything
“She is mother” is the only way I’m describing myself now. Bless u ❤🙌
Well said 💞
O
She is wife
Caroline, as a psychotherapist of 40+ years, I want to tell you that this is the wisest, most insightful, most compassionate description of the break-up process I've ever heard. You're young enough to be my daughter but, wow, out of the mouths of babes. I'm going to direct my grieving clients to this video. You can do far more for them than I can, you beautiful person. Thank you, sweetiegirl, thank you.
Wow I am certain I don’t deserve this but I am mostly extremely relieved to hear from a professional perspective. Thank you ❤ I’m so glad it feels helpful. Anything I’ve learned is from having my own absolutely genius, amazing therapist, and keeping friends much wiser than me. I definitely recommend it ❤
@@Caroline_Winkler yes you do deserve it. I am also a psychotherapist and was going to comment how accurately and helpful this is, just to find out one of my kind already took care of it :)
as a pedo hunter on youtube ive seen these types of comments before made by horny old men cruising or grooming their victims.
@@nelezo1056 I agree with you, and I’ve always known that Caroline will be a big hit on YT. Your patients will help push her to 1 million followers!
Well said❤️
I'm in a happy, secure relationship expecting our literal child, but am I going to watch this and ruminate on my previous experience? Damn straight I will.
Makes sense to me ❤ they are some of the most formative experiences, in my opinion. So much learning and change. Those moments really stay with you
Omg meeeee! 😂Congratulations on your bundle of joy on the way!
That's part of the learning process :) Sometimes it takes time to "get" things.
Haha same girl. Congrats on your pregnancy. 💕💙
I've been happily married for 11 years and watched anyway, and it did help make peace with past relationships. Even if we think we moved on, sometimes, some things are not completely worked through, and still affects us even years later. Being rejected and lied to is always hard. But I'm so glad I'm not with these a*holes anymore. They made me miserable. And we all deserve happiness.
Oh Caroline. If you ever have a moment of doubt about your youtube career, or someone makes fun of you choosing to make videos and moving away from acting, and coding... just look at the comment section on this video. You have fostered a beautiful, caring community and you are genuinely making such a positive difference in peoples lives. Whether you stay with this platform or move on in years to come, I just know that you will be making a positive impact on this world!
😔thank you friend
😮 she did acting AND coding too!!? Omg I’m subscribing! At this point I think we should be best friends.
is she from Queens, NY?
Even after 25 years of marriage to a cheating, angry, alcoholic and my kids were grown and I felt I could finally move on to a happier life-I still went through grief! The grief of the death of a dream. Of what could have, should have been. Fortunately little did I know that I would meet the true man of my dreams right away. My ex cried when the judge pronounced us divorced and I danced! My new love and I have been married 27 years. I have lived the life I deserved all along. No regrets!
Wow u have been in long term marriages
@@melmel7011 I’m the faithful type. 💕
Niiice.
@@homebodyheaven6114 Awesome but long lasting relationships are not just about being faithful. Also you could be faithful but not your partner so it would end in separation.
I think you are blessed.
Why did you marry him in the first place?
I wrote letters and never sent them. This helped me process the feelings, let all my nasty meanness out, but still stay completely away from them.
So so powerful. Shockingly effective exercise. Love this
I agree. Great exercise. I keep the letters/notes until I feel ready to let go... then I burn them.
I sent the letter.😬 I put tons of glitter inside of it and told him "suprise motherf***er, this is glitter - the herpes of crafting. Just like you are the herpes on my mind. You will never be entirely rid of it just like I can't get rid of you." (He was abusive and I was so trauma bonded that I needed 3 years to process the 6-month-relationship)
Am I proud of what I did..?
Well, kinda.
“The deeper the pain, the deeper the transformation. BITCH YOU BECOMING A BUTTERFLY” 👏🏼 you are so naturally funny I can’t
I chuckled at that, too. Could relate so much because although the break-up is hella painful there is just that tiniest part of me that is getting so giddy about all of the delicious healing that will have been having had (you know what I mean... grammar, right??) when I'm at the end of that dark tunnel.
Ava DuVernay was asked on Twitter on you deal with heartbreak. Her response was a gut punch but truly changed my outlook on my break up. I'm so grateful I came across it and happy to share it here for others going through heartache. How do you deal with heartbreak? "You don't. You live with it like a stranger until it becomes familiar and changes form. Until it becomes knowledge and power. But until then, just let it walk beside you. There's really nothing else to be done." ❤
Thank you for that ☹️
This is an amazing post. "You live with it until it changes form....it becomes knowledge and power." That right THERE is powerful stuff.
such a different yet realistic perspective
we are trained to think we have to squah it, overcome it, that it has to instantly make us a stronger better person... and theres so much toxic positivity out there when dealing with grief and loss... giving someone permission to look at it this way that you shared is so powerful q
Oh man. That is gut wrenching and true ❤
Ava DuVernay is one of my all time heroes and one of the most important voices of this era. Damn!
The notion of attachment resonated with me. I was in a relationship, and we built a house together, assuming we would be together forever. It was literally my dream house. But my partner had an affair and decided to end our relationship. My grief was overwhelming, but it was because I Iost the house. I couldn't afford it on my own and my partner bought me out. I mourned that house for a couple of years. Even now, years later, I think of it. I almost never think of my ex.
I hope one day you have another dream house! An even better one, that won’t depend on someone else for you to keep it.
Okay, here's where I'm a total jerk. Right now in my life, I would force that sob to sell the dream house and split the proceeds with me. I would not let him stay in my house. When I was younger, I would've 'made nice'. Not anymore.
I love this. Was reading your response and came to the last sentence “Even now . . .” and then read “I almost never think . . “ and I cracked up. I was not expecting that. 😂
@@tygerstripes3752 yeah, I've become much tougher too.
Same here but with our cat. I couldn't take him with me after the break up...I loved that cat so much..
My current "breakup" is losing my parents (both of them at the same time!) slowly and awfully to dementia. Let me tell you, the death of a parent is like the worst break up of your whole life. But the stages are still the same. You still have to swim back to the mainland and it's not a linear swim. Thank you for this. ❤️
Oh honey..... I am so very sorry. Crying as I read this. Losing the parents is one of the hardest things ever... And both to dementia? A cruel twist of fate. I am so sorry. Sending love and hugs, prayers for ease for your tender heart.
There is no heartache like losing your parents. I lost my dad when I was 13, and then I lost my mom in 2020 when she was 78. She was my best friend. I took care of her for the last 10 yrs of her life. I am so blessed that I had all of those years to spend with her. I miss her every day. My parents were the best. The strange thing is that when my mom passed it brought up all of that grief I felt losing my dad. It was like she was a dam holding back a lot of grief I had for my dad. So losing her meant I also grieved my dad anew.
I am single, I have had any number of relationships, there is no grief like losing your parents. And it never ever goes away. We just learn to live with it.
Sending love to you! It is awful and I am so sorry you’re going through it.
@@karenholmes6565 Losing a child is much worse than losing a parent.
@@lindahall1208 I don’t think anyone asked for their grief and heartache to be compared to yours. It’s not a contest, and it’s weird that you’re making it one.
Sorry Caroline but I beat you. I was ghosted by my husband of 10 years. He went on a business trip and never came back. Not a call, text or email. He did not answer his phone. After 1 month I did get an email from an "anonymous" persons stating they think their friend is dating my husband. Talk about blindsided, confused, angry, depressed, sad and crying, crying crying. It took him about 5 months to email me asking for me to mail his things and pay for 50% of our divorce. I did neither. We did end up getting divorce which he paid for. Never a call or an apology.
I'm so sorry to hear about that. You absolutely win this round. Hope you kept the house.
Holy. God.
I cannot imagine how you even begin moving forward from that.
Do you remember when / how things started clicking into place for you about this truly insane behavior, and letting you move forward?
Oh. My. God. What a total asshole! I am so sorry this happened to you. I can’t even begin to imagine what this would have been like for you. Holy shit!
@@Caroline_Winkler It took a good 3 years for me to stop obsessing and accepting what happened. It was a total mind f--- It took a total of about 5 years for me to be completely fine.
I got broken up with in the back of a GameStop we both worked at.
I continued working there and would cry in the Wii section 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you so much. Divorcing a narcissist after 32yrs and it’s hell. When I found out the truth about him, I did the research and decided the first thing I needed to do was to get my head together. I didn’t know I was emotionally abused, I just thought he didn’t like anything I did and he was always in a bad mood. Done research on doing chores, etc. better and what works for me. Done a lot of art therapy and look forward to decorating a new house for the first time ever. I wrote 3 books too. Scared for the future but won’t have a narc in my life so it can only be better. Smiling at myself in the mirror each day even if I’m crying through it at first, it becomes a fake smile then a real one, then a cheeky grin. Dance down the hall or while food is heating up. Make up parodies about unstacking the dishwasher. Compliment yourself for putting on your socks. Caroline, you are so awesome!
The post break-up period is always the time I level up my career, my body, my life, etc. Break ups suck, but i wouldn’t be where I am without them. Sending good vibes your way, girl!
- your “one-way” friend and viewer ☺️
Forget algebra and trigonometry .. this is the class we all needed in high school ❤
Ideally, we'd all have parents to teach us about this... 😅
As someone who's ALWAYS found it necessary to segregate completely post-breakup, I'm now in a situation where it's an impossible step. We have 2 small children and are irrevocably linked as parents. Every time we have dealings with each other, it's like reopening a wound. I've just started therapy, so I'm hopeful I can learn a new path to healing rather than my previous go-to method of no contact.
Queen you honestly make a huge difference in my days
Wild to hear, and more meaningful than I can say. Thank you❤
Noah. I agree. I love your videos so much Caroline. I started watching just for interior design. Pinched your 'acrylic mug shelf' idea thanks very much !! 💕🤣. Now Ive watched all of them. Yes all of them. I feel like I can relate to you. I feel I don't relate to many people. Congratulations 🎉 on the success of your channel my dear. Greetings from Australia 🌏🦘
This might be obvious to folks (but I'm always surprised by people doing things that I think are obviously not appropriate) but: Although a breakup/divorce is a form of loss and grief, please never compare it to the death of a spouse. No good will come of this. You can think it, but never say that to a widow. You dreading your ex might phone you is not the same as a widow knowing she will never hear her husband's voice again. It never helps to say "I know what you're going through because of my divorce." No. No you do not.
Also, my husband is either a) my husband or b) my late husband. He is not my ex-husband. He died, we didn't get divorced.
Just a public service announcement from your friendly 33-year old cancer widow.
As a personal development junkie, I’m TIRED 😢 I just want to rest & have stability.
A year ago, I got fired from a job in a way that was not unlike a horrible breakup. Except instead of one person dumping me, it was an entire group of people. The advice you gave in this video maps pretty well onto my emotional experience of recovering and healing from that ordeal. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, and I hope that the pain you are experiencing right now will give way to even more spiritual sexiness.
i think i needed this. i just got laid off from a job i loved, last week. and it's honestly killing me 😂
Same!! I lost a group of friends I had for 25 years!!
Sounds a little culty. Have a listen to the "A little bit culty" podcast.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
@@DavidVelasquez9 Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
@@peterwilliams6361 Her name is Sylvia Regina White, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
@@DavidVelasquez9 Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Dear Caroline, I wanted to comment before watching this video. I discovered your channel 2 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago, my bf of 3 years broke up with me. I was devastated, heart broken - he was "the one" (or so I thought). When I discovered your channel, I was beginning my journey to accept the outcome, rediscover myself, rediscover my pleasures and interests outside of the relationship. Your energy resonated with me. You are such an incredible, strong, ambitious and independent young woman - a woman I aspire to be myself. Since then I have watched many of your videos, and truth be told, you have given me the energy and positivity to look upwards and forward in life. This video comes right in time for me. Thank you so much for being you and for putting out these videos! I look forward to following you in the future - and hope to see many more vlogs and videos like this one. Thank you
Happy Saturday 💕 I would realllly love to hear people’s worst breakup events, for a little levity and possibly some comfort to other.
Also reading through these early comments and now thinking it would be really nice to share people’s recommendations of support here - whether books, shows that helped you process something, or particular revelations or activities you did.
If anyone is here and looking for solace and support in a hard time, I think the comments will have a lot of that. Biggest hug to everyone and thank you ❤
Pema Chödrön's book When Things Fall Apart helped me a great deal when I was trying to process a hard breakup and in overall finding a less anxiety-ridden way of making it through each day + I was watching The Good Place at the time too, and that was also a major help in not going insane lol.
I was recently recommended this: Girl, Run!: The No-Fail Method for Breaking Narcissist Relationship Ties
The Gift by Dr. Edith Eger 💙
I found that randomly opening "Anam Cara" by John O'Donohue was weirdly very helpful to me.
Caroline, your take on matters of the heart are always so on-point, and you nailed everything in this video.
Things that always help me after a breakup:
-putting all mementoes of the relationship in a box and putting it somewhere out of reach
-purging my wardrobe of anything that triggers strong memories
-replacing all the bedding
-rearranging all the furniture
-redecorating my place
-getting a new haircut and/or color
-travelling, especially to places I've never been. doesn't even have to be that far from home, but I found that the more strange and exotic the place, the more it kept me out of my own head
-day-excursions to some natural setting...a forest preserve, lake, botanical garden, whatever
-binging sitcoms that I would never normally gravitate to ("Friends" comes to mind)-the sound of canned laughter is surprisingly helpful at keeping the Bad Thoughts away)
-letting my friends force me to dress up and go out dancing
At some point, it'll occur to me that I haven't even thought about my ex for more than 12 hours...and then 18 hours...and then 3 days...my process is clearly more about deflecting and keeping myself distracted, but hey, it works, and it's not like I'm in denial of the breakup. It's a way of getting through the worst of the pain.
This is life. Not just break ups. Life is one massive swimming and resting and grieving and coping process. A relationship is a massive highlight of whatever needs most work done on .
Turning “what if’s” to “so what’s” really impacted me because it goes beyond breakups. That tool can be used for other narratives you are torturing yourself as you consider other stressful situations you can’t control.
My most painful breakup was the one I caused by being too insecure. Thought I was gonna die from the pain but nope, just grew. ❤
Didnt your partner give you reasons for your insecurity?
Same
@@melmel7011 It wouldn’t have mattered if he stayed home 24/7 without a computer or phone. I was convinced that he would do wrong because I thought I wasn’t enough. I had to work on my self worth a lot. 😊
@@lindaroy4061 ooooh now I understand
Same
I always stayed for far too long, so I usually had this feeling of it not being as bad as I thought it would be once it was done. The hardest part was sleeping alone.
Wow yes. The idea of the thing is sometimes scarier than the break itself.
I was a co-sleeping addict. Now I became a free single sleeper to the point I don't want to share a bed ever again with another too hot, sometimes sweaty, loudly breathing and moving human being... to be with someone - ok, but boy, my bed is MINE. Come on - as a kid you were sleeping alone and it was perfectly fine 🙃
I got you beat lol
I was ghosted after an almost 7 year relationship
I lost my job due to the pandemic and home boy was out! Like, “Don’t come to me asking for money”, even though I never would. I thought if all the things I had done for him, but then I realized that none of that stuff mattered and definitely couldn’t keep someone by your side. I laugh so hard now because it ended up being the best thing ever!!! Once he was gone, God literally showered me with new friends who love me immensely, I’ve been able to give my time to those who want me around (namely my mommy 🤗 who has Parkinson’s and needs and wants me around more and deserves all of me) and a new home. I wouldn’t have had any of these wonderful things if he was still around.
Thank you for this wonderful video. I'm six months or so into recovering from a shocking breakup--I was ghosted by someone I thought was the love of my life, my wife of 12 years. As in your case, literally no warning, no letter, no message... just suddenly gone one beautiful summer day. I knew much of what you talk about in your video, but I want you to know that it is enormously helpful to hear you remind me of these things. My progress has been weird and slow, but as you say, I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be okay. Thank you again.
I totally feel for you, but I'm just shocked that people can be together for YEARS! (A dozen years!), and one person can still feel like they can ghost people. They don't want closure??
I'm so very sorry to hear this, that must be terrible to go through. Hang in there, it might be slow but just take it one day at a time. Best wishes friend
@@sarahwatts7152 There's this psychological thing -- I generally associate it more with men than women, but Gary K has shown the other side -- when a person 'detaches' emotionally, they're just gone from the relationship. It's a bit more than a logical decision and it's usually something they've thought about for a long time. It's horribly narcissistic and cruel imo, but that's wot some people do.
@@sarahwatts7152 I think sometimes they are not strong enough to deal with the pain of the other person. As another here said, they thought about it a long time, but are not able to face the consequences of their actions, so they avoid having to see it. It's hard to hurt somebody you have loved/maybe still love. It's not a choice i would make (i hope) but i have thought a lot about this way of making an exit. I believe that they are avoiding pain. It will come back around to them, cuz that's how most humans work. But they dont know that.
How can someone ghost someone they’ve been with for YEARS! Especially your HUSBAND or WIFE!? It’s the cruelest thing you can do to another person. People are wild..
When things are really hard, it can be really hard to see “oh but I am growing as a person” as the only consilation prize of the extreme pain.
Extremely true. It’s comforting to pretty much no one. We all just want our person back. 😔
Sometimes there were moments where it was helpful to know that the pain was “constructive”. I could think of it like an asset, a soul challenge. But I agree, often it is no comfort.
This video fed my soul!!! I was in a “relationship” for literally 3 weeks and when he broke up with me, it was the worst breakup I’ve ever had. Maybe even still healing from it YEARS later! But what you said about it being about the intensity of the relationship, not the length. And about missing the IDEA of what the relationship could’ve been. 100% true- wish someone told me that earlier! THANK YOU!!
I have to say, the shorter, the sweeter. I easily let go of longer relationship because it came to a dead end. I really saw all of his flaws and realized we would have miserable future and left for happiness of both of us. BUT the really short relationship (where I also realized we are not compatible) was so passionate and filled with connection that we never fully expolored and I never really had the time to see all of his flaws and that crashed me. He was still the perfect guy because we always show the best of ourselves in the beginning.
@@user-ig7cs3oh8w Yesss, so so true. I never got to see the deep flaws and make a decision if it was something I could or couldn't get past. I only have all the good parts of him to think about so I was attached to all those good parts and don't have any flaws to bring my vision of the potentials of that relationship back to a more grounded, realistic level.
Hugs to everyone hurting over a breakup!
Book recommendation: "Women Have All The Power: Too Bad They Dont Know It"
Its about a father writing to his daughters about how much power they have.
love this, thank you for sharing the recc!
As someone who didn’t get married until I was 35, I went through numerous breakups. Quite simply - it sucked big-time! Like you said, even if it was not a long relationship it was heart wrenching… I met my husband when I had pretty much given up on a future with someone. We have now been happily married 26 years. I realized in my past I forced relationships that were not right for me! For me, it was getting past being rejected, when I should have accepted that that person just wasn’t right for me.
Same here, I got married at 36, been married 26 years. I also had given up before my husband and I started dating.
Well-said. We must learn jot to take rejection so personally...
I'm 59 and still single. I gave up that it will ever happen, or that it needs to. But companionship, a committed relationship, would be meaningful and precious. Just saying, . . I like yosory.
Why did you date the bad boys for so long?
I’ve never been through breakup. I’ve been with my husband since 20 and we have three kids and everything is amazing. However my mom went through break up when she was 45 and she ended up in psychiatry and when she was talking about her feelings the doctor asked her: like ok, I understand, but haven’t you ever been through break up? And she hasn’t. And she couldn’t cope with the pain. And this story haunts me.
just make sure to appreciate what you have (it sounds like you do) - your awareness that life can take a turn is something that will serve you in some way should you face something someday... you appreciated it while you had it and didnt think you were invincible - that helps a lot if/when something does come along. Some people have to experience bad things (sometimes multiple times) before truly realizing that but if you can try to make that a part of you while times are good, that can help later.
@@dianeandbrad529 great advice, thank you 👍 I really feel like a luckiest woman on earth but I am very aware that bad times will come as it is just life
"Always Single By Spring" sounds like the title of a rom com that I would watch.
I'm happily married but I "broke up" with a family member recently. This is definitely applicable to all relationships. Good advice. Thank you.
that sounds very tough friend. hope you're doing well
Queen can you believe we reached 400K ?!!! I say we bc it feels I have grown with you. Here from the beginning :) Love you. Congrats. This is huge. Cant wait to see what comes next for you. Maybe a side business, maybe back to commercials. I can totally see you writing and directing a short.
🥲”we” is correct. The very thing that makes CZcams beautiful and different from TV is how a path is built in conversation with the viewers. It’s a conversation, constant evolution with both effecting the other. It’s what makes it feel so special, kind of like a living thing.
It’s a damn honor to be in it with you. Thank you ❤
You description of the break-up cycles is so accurate.
About the ghosting situation, i would like to add the following: Someone else's innability to comunicate properly is not your fault.
You ghosting story reminds me of mine. Last year i was ghosted by boyfriend of THREE YEARS. He dissaperead on the weekend that we would celebrate our 3 year aniversary, i literally wrote a love letter for him a couple of days before he ghosted me and we had talked about marriage a couple of weeks prior as well. Life is funny isn't it? My whole world was rocked by that experience and what happened next was exactly what you described.
Im so sorry
I've always wondered why guys like to play the 'make believe game', they make plans with us, I mean marriage, serious plans, they talk about kids, future goals, blah, blah, blah and then... they suddenly get struck by an amnesia attack 😒 and break up 💔 I mean, it's fine if they don't want any of that, or if they don't share the same goals, just be HONEST, do not pretend!!! It's a waste of energy, love, time 😥
“Was that a good segue?” Girl that was a FANTASTIC segue 😂
I’m just going to throw this out to the Universe, for whatever it’s worth.
My first heartache was some 4 decades ago, and in my experience there are 2 kinds of breakups: The kind you get over, and the kind you don’t. I have likened the latter to something that’s submerged, but lives very close to the surface. And it will come up again and again - whether you ever see or speak to that person again - or not.
Everyone is wired differently, but I believe most people have enough sense to make peace with the end of any relationship with significant problems. It’s the ones where things were great and then it ended that people don’t emotionally move past. And like Caroline said, it doesn’t matter who ended things.
Been through many breakups, pretty much always the dumpee. And survived. But recently watched my child go through a horrible breakup and that was hard- to see that kind of hurt in someone you love… and to lose someone you thought would stay part of your family. Anyway, my one piece of advice is to be careful not to make irrational or life-altering decisions in REACTION to the breakup. Don’t do things that could cause you harm or have irreversible consequences. It’s good to grow and explore, and even change, but don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Because you won’t take away the hurt just by running away, or doing something drastic or dangerous for a momentary thrill of adrenaline. You have to face the process and the hurt, even though it’s hard.
D&B on VDAY!! 💀 You win the most heinous breakup award. Killed it.
A crown I was born to wear thank you 😂
You get a crown for awesome. ❤️
@@kareembrown1673 Sounds like a tough situation- good for you for outright making the break though!
It took me so long to not take the bait, so to speak, and respond to messages. Closure is a myth. ❤❤❤
Caroline thank you. Literally been watching videos on breakups for months now for advice. This is what I needed and what I continuously need. Every time I slip off that next sandbar and start the torturous swim towards the mainland, I rewatch this video. I also watch and rewatch your podcast on breakups. I fully believe that we are lunatics when we are going through a breakup. Having someone remind you that just because you miss someone terribly, that it doesn’t mean you are meant to be together again, is so refreshing. (In the sense that it’s like an ice bucket challenge at times, but I digress.) also, the pattern of leveling up and the visual of stitches being ripped out.. yes.. just yes. My ex of 5 years had a new gf after 3 months and I was ok until then. 8 months later I’m still grieving. Another piece of advice, aside from no contact and blocking… do not be tempted unblock in order to “stalk”.. especially on instagram.. I had a particularly painful slip up there. Lots of love to all of you out there struggling. It gets better, slowly, until one day you just realize that you feel better.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever had a breakup where if one of them was getting arrested that would make sense’ 😂😂😂 makes me feel better
you posted this video exactly one week after me and my ex ended things. this video has helped me so much to understand myself so much under this breakup. i keep coming back to this video because i tend to forget why we broke up, and when i miss him. thank you for leading me to the path that is right for me, and thank you for helping me heal and not feel alone. thank you caroline.
9:08 I 100% say you do the complicated/funny thing, Caroline. It will weed out those who don’t understand you or your humor. If you’re a complex person, you probably don’t want to attract a simple person 😂
It's insane how spot on this is. I subscribed for interior design tips but now you're serving up high quality life advice.
My boyfriend died and this still resonates. QUEEN. Thank you. 💚
😔
My bf died, too, and I agree.
❤❤ my heart goes out to you
@@Rumne The constant process of folding grief into one's life is exhausting; it sucks. I'm really so sorry. 💚
I hope you've been experiencing joy again. It's new and weird and feels suspicious but there it is.
After 4 years, a joint mortgage application and mutually verbalized plans to marry and have children together, my partner left suddenly last July leaving me homeless.
I'm still going through these cycles of grief. Thanks for giving me hope about it.
For what reason did he break up?
@@Universal_Craftsman "spooked about commitment"
@@em97c What does that mean?
@@Universal_Craftsman great question, I'd love to know too 😭
@@em97c What were you doing at that time, before he left you?
It's been almost a year without her and it took me months to come to many of the same conclusions you perfectly laid out here. I wish this video would've come for me sooner, but I still just wanted to show my support and tell others never to give up. 🖤 to you all.
Flipping 'What If' into 'So What' ---> GOLD! 🎉
I recently discovered that I was not attached to him, I was attached to the parts of myself that he reminded me
I think the reason you have so much trouble finding the right person is you are so special and that requires someone on equal footing. Has to be a rare person but you will find them! And, I am in a "break up" at my advanced age after 35 years of marriage and all this is good reminders. It IS where the work is done and the future is bright. Thank you for putting yourself out there.
Loneliness can become solitude. Good luck.
Caroline, I think a lot of what you said also applies to the grief of losing someone when they die. I appreciate you every time you post!
Oh yes....!!!
Unexpectedly lost my husband nearly two (!!! time flies) years ago.
Sitting here thinking the same thing.
Yes,
*but* that part about grief stages is actually not supported scientifically (it's messier, and individual, some emotions being present and some not, and there's no order, nor a "done with one stage, and that's it" situation, etc)
@@aleksandra... the stages of grief are typically now described as non-linear and while acceptance is seen perhaps as the “goal” or end of the continuum that doesnt mean the feelings of grief stop there or none of the orher stages re-emerge.
@@dianeandbrad529
err, that's what I tried to say, more or less... .
Because she just briefly mentioned it for people to look up, and the majority of online content is old flawed idea, I said what I said with that in mind.
And.
Isn't it useless to call it stages, then, when you can basically go through them in a day. Or hold simultaneously. 🤷♀️
A person can decide if they can identify stages in their own grieving process, but they don't have to...
Hearing that March is breakup season is mind blowing! All my breakups have happened around this time... That's wild.
Wow, had no idea that was a thing. Am going through it myself right now too. Good luck to the both of us.
Thank you for saying it doesn’t matter how long it was. It wasn’t a long relationship but it moved fast and a lot of expectations were insinuated, it seemed like we were heading towards marriage. Something I’ve always desperately wanted. So it’s been so difficult, because that dream is gone now. I realize I’m maybe not mourning the person I miss the life that could have been. Especially because he showed his true terrifying colors at the end with zero grief. Nobody that treats you badly truly loves you, if you love someone hurting them hurts you. 💗
Also yay IBS girlies 💅
Never be 'desperate' to be in a relationship or married...sounds like it was not meant to be and now you can be with your 'real' partner 🙂.
@@fremont111 thanks and you’re absolutely right. Wanting that so badly made me miss ALL the red flags and excuse a lot. Next time taking it slow!
I can relate to this SO much with my relationship that just ended. We dated less than a year - but I thought we were going to get married. Remember not to blame yourself for being empathetic and WANTING something. I have to keep reminding myself it’s not my fault for loving someone haha
Been together 9 years: terrible breakup. Been together 2 years: even worse breakup. My current partner and I ate together for just over six months and moving in together and I can just feel that if tragedy were to strike ot would be the worst breakup to get through compared to the other two. 6 months and it would completely devastate me. So yeah.
@@TheBlushersJournal your experience is 100% mine…except like the 6 month one broke up with me after we bought a home together. 🙃
This was absolutely brilliant on so many levels! The data driven approach to emotional awareness, the allegory of stitching and ripping said stitches to make sense of behavior patterns, the resources for healing, the digestible sections, and of course the humour. This was the best video on breakups I've ever seen without it feeling too clinical or too airy fairy. Great job Caroline, I'm sure you've helped sooo many people with this and that is important.
Caroline I just want you to know that there are CZcamsrs on here that are bigger than you and do lifestyle, advice sort of things in the same vein, and truthfully none of them produce content as authentic and valuable and worthwhile as yours.
I roll my eyes when I see those CZcamsrs post about something they claim they know all about when they just listened to a podcast and wrote a skit about it.
But you’re out here putting in the work to give us something that’s really from your heart, and it makes me specifically feel so special that you’re willing to share something unique and profound about your own experiences just to help someone else.
I know you know this, but you’re a stunning, powerful, intelligent, funny, once in a lifetime kind of human. And I hope you get all the love and joy and happiness in this life because you deserve it.
The good vs bad support - I have a great story about it. My sister has been in a lot of toxic relationships, and every time she called me and asked if she should break up and I answered yes, she stayed. Thrn she had this ine guy who was just a complete douche bag: greedy, gasslited her, stole from her, acted like his jobless, educationless, lasy, mom's-basement-sitting-ass was better than her. She told me whether she should break up, and I told her that I don't know - she could always give it another month. She called me half an hour later and told me she dumped him. So, yeah, don't just focus on the negatives, and support by mostly listening
That top! That hair! Chefs kiss!
Picture this…I’m in my early 20’s and my boyfriend of FIVE years breaks up with me OVER THE PHONE. This happened when I was in the last 2 months of college (yes it was March!) AND my mom was in the hospital dying from cancer. He knew all this and still did not have the decency to say it to my face! COWARD! Did I understand why he wanted to break up? Yes. But it’s HOW he did it. And when we spoke again a couple years later I was still too NICE to him. If I had the chance now 35 years later, I would tell him how hurt I was and how inconsiderate he was. I’m now married to an amazing man and have never been happier. Hang on to hope people! You will get through this ❤️
Completely! If I have any advice to women, it's that if life gives you a chance to take a shot -- not literally! -- at the bum who broke your heart, Do It! Do not be 'nice'. Keep it short and pithy, but have a zinger of an arrow ready in your quiver and let it fly. And then walk away with your head held high.
THANK YOU! i was searching and searching for a video that make sense that can make me feel better i found it. i am going thru a breakup right now. she left me after 9 years of living together. she said shes not attracted to me anymore, doesnt love me anymore and want to stay as friends while she "try" with someone new. while i see her as my future, my forever, my one and only, i thought we can go thru every ups and downs together till we're old and gray. thats bot the case. i have been doing good this week but today for sone reason, the feelings hit me deep again. its like i am going thru it the second day. and when u said "i miss them so much NOT EQUAL to how great the rs was but EQUAL to my attachment to her" it opened up my brain and my eyes that these are just emotions and emotions changes. THANK YOU. but honestly f her. i am angry and this is my feelings now. she betrayed me and im not gonna pretend that everything is okay bcuz its not. hmm
Unrelated: your top is adorable, giving you a little queen of spring/Persephone vibe or something. It’s terrific, nonetheless.
Doh ❤️ I will accept any Greek themed compliments THANK YOU
That top is very Betsey Johnson.
Wow, this was exactly what I needed right now. It's month 4 of my breakup and I've been wondering just how long I'll be feeling like shit before it gets any better, and hearing you talk about those cycles made me realise you're absolutely right, that's what I've been going through.
It never hurt like this before, but I was never as strongly attached as this time, everything you say checks out. The story that I tell myself is also one of never being loved during the relationship, and feeling like maybe it's me who's unlovable. I do hope I come out stronger on the other side ♥ Thank you Caroline
Ok, I may have found my life’s motto: “Bitch, you’re becoming a butterfly”! Caroline, this needs to be the title for a future book. I hope you consider writing many bc your gift in storytelling is something truly special. You possess so much wisdom through your honesty, humility and humor. The metamorphosis of the butterfly is the greatest metaphor of life! As a chronic cocooner myself, I can tell you that the lightness that comes after every transition is so freeing! Forgiveness, whether it be towards the self or towards others is AIR for your wings! Plus learning to love and laugh will promote lightness in your flutter! It’s so necessary to embrace life’s pain as opposed to avoiding or “numbing” it. Not to confuse “sulking” in it bc ironically, that too is a way of avoiding it! If we feel sorry for ourselves, a very normal defense mechanism, we could deprive ourselves of authentic self-reflection. It’s scary but only by avoidance do we feed the fear. When we feed our fears, we deplete ourselves….which is how we stunt our growth. Without loss, pain or “friction”, there is no “waste” or “ash” to fertilize the ground we grow from! Pain is just fertilizer for the garden….yes, it stinks but funny how it produces the most beautiful, vibrant and fragrant flowers….for us butterflies! So embrace every cocoon in life bc fluttering looks fabulous on everyone! 💖
I feel like no one ever mentions that you still go through grief even if you’re the one breaking up. Good job! I feel so validated!
I genuinely think that 'i miss them so much' ≠ 'the relationship was meant to be' dichotomy like. untangled a knot in my brain from the last breakup I went thru a year ago and am not over. Brb making that my mantra to myself in moments where i'm like no but what if.... what if!! (SO WHAT) ugh this was just. so so helpful & honest & kind and i'm very very grateful to you for sharing this wisdom. You (whatever version of yourself you're showing us, I know online is never the full self) are such a meaningful presence in my life these days.
One lesson few people share but which I have learned from my own experiences is that breakups hurt regardless of the whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with. Or even if it was mutual. There is rarely a "bad guy", it's almost always two individuals hurting.
14:42 CAROLINE!!! I literally lived this in my last relationship. 2 years and he ghosted me. Treated me terribly basically the entire relationship and then ghosted. What’s crazy is I told him about a year and a half in that that’s how he would end it because he’s a coward 😂. He told me he would never and he did. It took almost 4 months to get over it but now I’m engaged 😂😂
Oh my god 😑wildddd. Also SO interesting that you FORETOLD THIS. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - I just believe that we have all the information we need in the beginning 🤷♀️we just manage to talk ourselves out of what we know
Hope (know) you’re flourishing these days ❤❤
I'm glad you said about the length of the relationship not mattering. I had a 9 month relationship that absolutely destroyed me. I was with him right after a 4 year relationship. I was like "well, this guy is it. This will be my husband." It wasn't even that we were meant to be. I was just so caught up in the adventure of it. He took me different places and showed me a different life. When he ended it I felt like my heart was ripped out of my body. I never properly mourned him. I was stuck in an anger phase for literal years. Then I recently watched a show where a character reminded me of him. I dreamed about him every night for a while. I still miss the idea of him. The adventure he brought into my life. Adventure isn't love though. Although from my experience with my husband and kids I've learned.. love can be an adventure. 🥰 we'll all get there.
Breakups are hard and I think a lot of people don't give themselves enough time to heal. Ultimately there are many emotions you need to process over a long time. I like the analogy of breaking a bone. We must be gentle with ourselves and let it heal. We can't just force ourselves to do something we can't do. It takes however long it takes and we must be patient. I broke up with my long term SO almost a year ago but there is still grief I'm processing today. We were very attached and spent a majority of our time together over the pandemic. My days are getting a little easier and I want to emphasize how important it is to talk about it when you feel you need to and to lean on your support system. Lately I have been feeling quite good and just last night I had a dream about her bringing back some different emotions. So far for me I think the biggest part is the acceptance which takes time. You eventually get to a more comfortable place of realizing your new reality and knowing you have to continue on without them. Ultimately, it ended for a reason. Often we can feel some signs in our guts before it happens but it can be extremely difficult to accept them and even to just break up in the first place. The longer we hold onto something that isn't for us we will create even more pain and suffering than letting go ever could. If it was a genuine connection I also think its important to want both parties to be happy and to find whatever it is they need in this life. I find comfort in the fact that there is so many people on earth and surely not all of them are meant to be together forever. Lots to do, lots to see and little time. Time for the next chapter.
The chart thing REALLY works! I did that (charted my emotional peaks and troughs) over the month following my first break-up (I'd been with him 5 years). Seeing it in black and white absofuckinlutely crystallised it. And allowed me to visualise actual progress. It works, I tell you. Also, having sympathetic drinking pals is a bonus. It's a strangely romantic time for your friendships.
I used to believe growth only happened in the pain, because that had been true of my experience. But after getting married, I’ve been so much happier, and I’ve totally transformed in the best way. I love my husband, but he also thinks differently than I do. So instead of affirming me in my ways of thinking, he counters and challenges me. And then I became a mom, and I absolutely love it, and that has also totally transformed me. So I guess I’m just saying growth and transformation can happen in the hard times and the beautiful times.
ALL of my breakups looked like the GAP photo, and no, they do not need to get back together. They just need to realize they’re only wearing GAP cause they thought their partner liked it.
Love this. I'm out of the dating game, but let me tell you, I had some doozy breakups. 😄 Mine usually ended right before Christmas. I would add only 2 things to this fabulous line up:
1. Allow yourself to feel the feels completely.
2. Whatever good thing is happening in your ex's life, it in no way depletes you.
Onward and upward. Better things await. 💕
Another helpful video for breakup season! My past relationships also always ended at the beginning of the year.
I'd like to stress that most importantly, one should allow for all these negative feelings (hate, grief, loneliness etc.) in the first place! I once wanted to deal with a breakup "efficiently" by surpressing all emotions and I drowned myself in work. Then I rushed into a new relationship a couple of months later and when that relationship eventually failed, all previously surpressed emotions came up and it was so much worse. I felt like I had to go through two breakups at once. It took me 2 years to recover...
I also did journaling, especially to let go of my anger and negative thoughts. My main saviour was listening to music! Not the too sad stuff, tho, it makes you depressed. I went to some concerts to listen to my favourite band live.
So well done, thank you
Needed this...thank you x
I'm in the first truly healthy relationship of my life at almost 50 yo. I'm here because I appreciate your vulnerability, candor and insight.
i love to hear this. thank you for sharing and congratulations to you for putting in the work and love to be in that place ❤
As a non-monogamous person, this advice was soooo good and exactly the reminder I needed even 6 months after a break up. Don't stop writing and making this content because you are making a huge difference in our lives!
Needed this 💕💕
been patiently waiting all morning! ❤
Where were you when I was younger and still trying to be in a relationship? Everything you described is exactly what I went through every time I went through a breakup. I’m 55 and I’ve pretty much decided that relationships are more trouble than they’re worth. But your take on it and the timeline make me feel validated. I wasn’t crazy! I mean I am but for different reasons. Anyway I’m glad I found you. Also I love ritual too!❤
This. Well, I guess our 20s & 30s were for Learning From Mistakes. After the last of many breakups, I was like okay clearly I am not good at relationships, so let's try being on my own for a while. And it just kinda stuck. It's been a long time since I had an "official" boyfriend, but I do have a friend with benefits for many years. It works because we AREN'T actually together. My friends think it's weird, but we all have to do what's right for our own selves.
Oh man, Im 45 and feeling this after a breakup, I like my freedom and having my own space, relationships just dont seem to end up what youll think & hope theyll be, sooner or later... maybe a good one will come along but meh!
@@thesouluniversal Meh indeed!
@@gloriaalex11 exactly!
Thank you for this video. I am currently a week into the worst breakup of my life at 36.
Right now I feel the worst I have ever felt and I truly don’t even want to go on. This video couldn’t have come at a better time.
I hope things get better for you. Please DO go on. You are worth it and people care.
@@salliestephens1252 Thank you ❤️ that means a lot to me!!!
Great explanation & information.
thank you for this … i love your videos so much
That codependency joke killed me 😂 well done 👌🏻
Fantastic video, thanks for making such intentional & kind video. I’m married with a kiddo, but it still hit home about past experiences, thank you Caroline ❤
Excellent Caroline! This is going to help so many people 😘
Man, holy sh*t. That stitches metaphor really hit me hard. I never looked at it that way, but it's been right in front of my face all along.
Love you. Love your honesty.
you've got such a unique perspective on what feels like EVERYTHING. I feel like I'm learning so much and I need to start taking notes! Something i thought about while watching this video is that grief and pain actually makes us live in the present moment, because you feel like you're stuck and it'll never get better. but it's harder when things are good, because you're worried it won't always be like this and sometimes you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. atleast, that's what i've noticed in myself. it goes to show, nothing lasts forever, good or bad, just like you said ◡̈ anyways, you're my internet big sister, and i love you
You went to complete different level with this video. Hundreds times thank you for sharing and opening up it so widely. You are amazing! Love the top !
You are incredible 💕
Thank you for this! 🥰
I went through a divorce with someone I knew for almost a decade and that divorce wasn’t even half as painful as a breakup from a few month relationship with a random guy I met while online dating. That breakup was so painful and such a defining trauma (I had devastating dreams of fighting and re-breaking up with this person for literal years afterward, so I think the word trauma isn’t dramatic). It totally changed how and who I dated in the future, I probably wouldn’t have gone for my now husband had I not gone through that. I could never figure out what about this short relationship cut so deep, I’m still not sure. Though I think it wasn’t the relationship as much as the way it ended that scarred. The weirdest and most dramatic breakup to this day (and I’ve been through a lot both before and after 😂). But anyway, wish I had this advice then!
Hi, im curious if you do not mind. What do you mean when you say you wouldnt have gone for your now husband?
Does it mean you dated below your league?
@@melmel7011 I just mean he wasn’t my usual type personality-wise (if I had to stereotype him I’d call him a sports guy). I’ve always been attracted to him, thankfully. But there were a lot of green flags in his relationships and dynamic with his family and I found him to be a clear and direct communicator, he’s never been one to leave me guessing on his feelings or intentions. I put aside that he’s not the typical kind of guy I go for and of course the irony is that he ended being such a great match for me. Imagine my surprise that my natural mate selection instincts were trash 😂.
@@kayrenee777 Wow nice. Thank you for clarifying. There is a guy who is amazing to me, he is pursuing me but the issue is that im not attracted to him physically. I love his heart, hos brain and work ethic but I struggle with how he looks physically. Im not looking for Mr world but he is definitely way below my league. I told him im fresh from a break up so Im not healed yet which is true. I told him we can be friends, so we are friends and we talk daily.
“Leagues” are made up. People also tend to overrate themselves physically. Sexual chemistry is also not very related to physical looks, so you’re doing yourself a disservice by assuming you’re not attracted to him based solely on your (probably inaccurate unless he’s just an absolute troll) assumption that you’re way above him looks wise.
@@melmel7011 I agree with Brooke that leagues are generally not a useful or healthy measurement since it’s all subjective, as well as being that everyone has immeasurable inherent worth and all that. That being said, IMO having no physical attraction to him makes a romantic relationship with him a definite no. You don’t want to enter into physical intimacy with someone if you’re not enthusiastic about it, that leads to issues for both of you. It wouldn’t be fair to him or you. I hear people say attraction can change and maybe it would, but the risk that it doesn’t isn’t worth it. And I’m saying this as someone who’s been there. I’ve not been able to muster romantic feelings for an otherwise perfect guy. I’ve also been on the crap end of “I don’t like you like that.” I feel for both sides.
I am currently in the first week after a breakup involving a strong attachment. Your video was incredible to see today and full of gems, helping me so much. Thank you✨💗✨
This was perfect. Thank you.
This helped me so much. Thank you ❤
Way to nail it! Someone close to me is currently going thru breakup hell, and I'm going to share this video with him! Your points are spot on, and your infusion of humor and reality in equal measure are refreshing! Nicely done 👍🌞♥️
As a "woman of a certain age" I've been through a few... Some were easy peasy... Some... Well, some I'm still dealing with... It's tough... I recommend therapy if the heartache goes on for a while... But, mostly (now) I look at it as a learning moment in my life, I grieve (or celebrate) and I keep going... Because, in the end, I have Me... And, I'm pretty sweet... LOL... Not perfect, but a pretty sweet person... Keep on keeping on, Caroline (and all)!