The dating advice we wish we knew sooner.
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 6. 06. 2024
- EP #35 - For You: The Dating Advice We Wish We Knew Sooner
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You sent in your dating struggles; we pulled our best advice out of our asses. In this strange new world of app dating, constant anxiety, and ever-changing standards, how do we stay true to ourselves when looking for connection? Not super well, but everything we've learned in hindsight, we're here to share with you.
All things dating apps - filters and types, how long to talk before a date, and taking breaks when you're being the worst
First dates - the spark, whether chemistry can grow, why to turn a second date into your default, and allowing silence
Early stages - "normal" timelines, exclusivity and labels, and getting your ex out of your head
F**kboys, f**kgirls, and f**kems - texting, ghosting, and knowing when to walk away
Plus, some of YOUR best dating advice, and why this is all just one big animal style numbers game.
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Not for Everyone is a podcast hosted by one hater (Caroline Winkler) and one lover (Jess DeBakey), with new episodes every Thursday.
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/5f9AtKs...
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
And everywhere else: podcasters.spotify.com/pod/sh...
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And FOLLOW US on Instagram for more:
@not4everyonepod
@thegoodsitter
@jzdebakey
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This episode was produced by none other than our prince, @abinewhouse.
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Share with a friend! Subscribe and rate us on your favorite podcasting app! Review us on Apple Podcasts!
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Contents of this Video
00:00 - Intro
00:26 - strategic black out
7:45 - your dating questions
13:00 - dating a stranger
18:00 - creating effective FILTERS
24:20 - learning to trust your instinct
29:30 - the 2nd date strategy
42:40 - "what is normal?"
50:40 - how long to text before meeting
58:20 - GHOSTING
1:04:00 - how to know what you're looking for
1:08:40 - the problem with EXES
1:13:30 - how to disclose your BAGGAGE
1:19:52 - if you're CONFUSED...
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All opinions are our own. We are not therapists or mental health professionals, or really professional of any kind. Please see your own professional or counselor for professional support. Do your research and be safe!
Intro Music: âDoja Danceâ by PALA
#podcast #selfhelp #comedypodcast #bestfriends
I fucking love the concept of being "hungry" for connection and not falling into "snacking" on less meaningful relationships rather than really trying to find fulfilling friendships and relationships. That's some solid scientific dating advice from our local podcast scientists
âPut your reps in - having hard conversations, ending mediocre relationships earlier, setting boundaries,â - fantastic advice for dating and for life. Thank you for sharing.
âThe wrong people will make it hard.â Yes! I feel like my husband of 17 years made/makes it easy for me. And then youâre not in your head questioning thingsâŠyouâre just flowing in the relationship.
Completely agree. I feel that with my boyfriend.
Only you might be the "wrong" person. I never had a relationship where things are easy and the men were all very different. I'm a difficult, moody person and tend to choose "challenging" men too. The idea of having a happy, easy flowing relationship is completely foreign to me.
Giving yourself a break is SO important. I didn't do it for a while... But once I finally did, I came back with enough open minded curiosity (and self-awareness of my own values) that I ended up rewriting some things in my profile and going on one of the best dates of my life with someone who actually read the details I shared, came with intentionality himself, and believed my sincerity.
I am almost 50 and have been married over 25 years to my sweet hubs. Weâve been through many ups and downs, and he wasnât at all who I thought he was when we met. This is a very interesting discussion and I feel how difficult it must be to date right now. Good luck to all you singles and give people a chance!
y'all are playing my older sisters for dating advice rn. starting off my dating journey with this amazing advice !!!
I have no opinions because I havenât dated in nine years, yes, my life is very peaceful, but Iâm here because I love listening to you guys and Iâm learning things đ
100% agree on how helpful it is to judge romantic relationships by the same criteria as friendships, just add attraction and emphasize values and lifestyle a little more.
US culture propagandizes us with messages that romance/sex is the highest priority and that itâs completely different from other relationships. Itâs such a lie and disservice.
Iâve been married for a year and a half, been together for almost 4 years total. I still look at my spouse sometimes and think âYou were a total stranger and now youâre in my house every day.â
One advice I have for anyone moving in with a partner: create a separate space for each of you. A corner, a desk, even just an armchair or bookshelf that is only for you. Itâs really helpful.
I don't have many gal friends so I always feel like I'm sitting and having girl talk with friends with this podcast đ„čđ©·
SAME! I love them so much.
Same :)
Thank you so much. Hadnât been single for 33yrs until now so I have no idea about how to date. Not ready to yet but getting all the info from two wise women is awesome. Taking time to heal and be the best version of myself first.
I met my ex-husband at a bar, back when that was the main way people met. We were together 24 years. Less than a year after the divorce, I was with a woman I'd been friends with for over a decade in a 12 step program. Eleven years after we got together, he told me he wanted to transition. So now I'm with a man again, and we've been together almost 18 years. All that to say, do I need dating advice? No.
But would I skip an episode of "Not4Everyone"? Unthinkable. You two are the highlight of my Thursdays!
Love the idea of hosting a low pressure happy hour or coffee where singles can meet.
I think I'm going to need to start writing things down. Because I know when I'm making things up and I know that I have a tendency of having feelings for the idea of a person instead of the actual person. I probably would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I'd kept track of what happened in my head and what actually happened and what was actually said.
One thing I really think is valuable is having some kind of "barrier" between you when dating. For example, when I was dating my husband we lived an hour away from each other, and he would drive after work every Wednesday to come and see me at my parent's house for just two hours before driving home again. Plenty of other guys would find out I didn't live in the city and immediately lose interest before knowing a thing about me. It worked as a great "he's just not that into you" filter that's for sure!
Haaaard relate on the stuff around anxiety at 1hr24. At the beginning of my current relationship I realised he was actually doing everything right, and the things I would have needed him to do to make me feel better were unreasonable. I also realised that all the good things were happening in real life and all the bad things were happening in my head.
Thank you for the personality vs compatibility discussion. Very helpful.
This episode cannot be even more timely for me!! Iâm new to online dating and just American dating culture in general, so this conversation has been really helpful!
Thank you for the talk. I thrive on this. â€
This one was sooooooo good. You guys have such a positive/helpful outlook on this topic. đ
My advice about filters vs being open minded: try to be less judgemental UNLESS they have a topless bathroom selfie in their profile. then always say no.
Canât stand those
you two are helping me naviagte my late 20s in a new country so well!! I was a mess before I stumbled on this podcast!!!!
thank you! just getting out of a 8 year relationship ! dating is so daunting
I take way too many breaks and they're way too long. The last time I went on a date was february. I had a three-day "romance" (fancy way of saying drinking and having sex) with a foreigner who was visiting friends. He left the country and we've been texting since then. Nothing crazy, just friendly banter. And since I'm talking to a guy my brain has taken a complete vacation from dating. So here I am, not dating, not having sex, not meeting anyone new, just with a texting buddy lmao
This was great. I also wish Logan Ury's book *How to Not Die Alone* had been around when I was younger. Definitely worth reading if you haven't already done so.
My time is valuable. If a man canât call me on the telephone and have a conversation with me before we try to meet for a meal⊠Then Iâm not meeting him for a meal. Just one of those personal boundaries you girls are talking about. (But, Iâm an older single.)
The problem is the guys you want donât want you and the men that want you you donât want them. To say otherwise is delusional. You want the tall rich, handsome dude to take you on lavish adventures. You wonât shop in your price range. Donât know what you look like but statistically probability is youâre a 6 or under, and you wonât âsettleâ for the 4-6 guy making 40-60k.
So interesting that you said this. I dated someone for a few years and it took several dates me for to see them walk away. He walked with his head down, his posture was bad and he had this roll or âhumpâ on the back of his neck. I think it was lack of confidence honestly. It was super cool to see that change over the years. Maybe one day Iâll see him from afar walking with his head held high, confident and happy. đ
I love you guys so muchâ„ïž the 1 hour of peacefulness you give us every week is all we needâ„ïž
The biggest problem with modern dating is everyone is looking for something better. I canât tell you how many times Iâve been on dates, conversation went well, seem to have some common interests, but she decided to seek other options. Leaving wondering what will it take to get someone to pick me. Itâs too the point where I just have no desire to date anymore. Rather just put my efforts and attention to my hobbies
Take the time to sit down and figure out what you want: non negotiables (frame mostly as positives if you can), standards, preferences (bonus) and then green/red flags. You can do this by dating but even every interaction with friends, family, coworker. Doing this has been insanely invaluable to understanding what it is you need and are looking for so you're not fumbling in the dark. It also can be super helpful to get over an ex when you realize (or not) that they don' t match your needs! Make a list, add to it, refine it, don't make it too rigid either.
Indian matchmaking is sooo entertaining and does have tidbits of wisdom sometimes.
Just wish you guys were around when i dated and when i got engaged. You are bang on about everything!! You are definitely helping women and men out there. And all with a great sense of humour. Love you!!!â€đšđŠ
I just kind of find it funny when women talk about dating.. like their perception of dating is so based on abundance that they probably can not even fathom the dating issues faced by people whose apps are empty of matches for months. lol Like they are talking giving a chance , meaningful relationships,giving yourself a break .. while I am trying to get a single match in my app for months and then when I get it I would blow it because I would start to get weird with expectations. haha there is a bizarre discrepancy between dating experiences of men and women.
Red flag is requesting phone calls and face time for me - i prefer to read the person's body language, see how they are in their habitat, eye contact -
This was so relatable only Iâm way olderâŠwhatever Iâm 58 dammit! đ
Just discovered this podcast, loving it. â€
I'm weary of dating apps. I rather meet people in person or is that outdated?
Sure, you can have a list of things you're looking for, but what about making a list of what YOU BRING to the table?
Why does that have to be the dating process?
Why canât people meet organically? Why canât we, as a society, learn to talk to each other at the grocery store or post office? Why do we have to go on a million dates that come from apps?
YUCK.
ITS AWFUL.
Who has the energy or time to go on 4 dates a week with Me.Wrong?
Over,
And
Over,
And
OverâŠ..
Gross.
Letâs find a new way to meet each other.
Are you over 40? y
Are you going on dates? n bc no one wants to.
The end.
Caroline, you are much more in your element going solo, or with Paige. This format doesnât do you justice.
I would date the one on the right
Big girl and little girl. The power couple. Large versus small who shall win