Intimacy Anorexia: Characteristics & Resources | What is Intimacy Anorexia? | Dr. Doug Weiss
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- čas přidán 5. 01. 2021
- In this video, Dr. Doug Weiss goes over the characteristics of Intimacy Anorexia and the different resources we have to combat it.
For more information on Intimacy Anorexia, get the book or DVD at:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/i...
www.drdougweiss.com/product/i...
Intimacy Anorexia is the active withholding of spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy from a spouse. Everyone else can think the man or woman is a wonderful person, but inside the marriage, their spouse feels alone, disconnected, unwanted and rejected. This pain inside the marriage is from the Intimacy Anorexia. Here are several characteristics to tell if your spouse is intimacy anorexic:
1. Busy - stays so busy that they have little time just for you but time for everything else
2. Blame - blames you on a regular basis for the problems in the marriage
3. Withholding Love - does not love you in the way you receive love or like to be loved (They know how by loving you to get out of trouble.)
4. Withholding praise - finds it very hard to praise you or do it very infrequently
5. Withholding spiritually - doesn't pray, connect or open up their heart spiritually to you
6. Withholds sex - is disconnected during sex or don't have sex with you for weeks, months or years
7. Withholding Feelings - is unwilling or unable to share their feelings with you
8. Anger or silence - maintains or creates distance to avoid being intimate
9. Criticism - is constantly critical with ongoing or ungrounded criticism
10. Money - limits or controls money from you
11. Roommate- they treat you not like a spouse but like a roommate (that’s how the relationship feels like)
If you are the spouse of an Intimacy Anorexic, you are dealing with real pain and trauma from the lack of love and intimacy. The trauma of being married to an IA is the same as those who experience infidelity and sex addiction. Being subjected to negative memories and thoughts, feeling isolated and depressed, and lack of sex is quite degrading.
However, you are not alone in your struggle. There is hope to receive healing and for the two of you to get better. For over 30 years, Dr. Doug Weiss has been helping thousands of men and women heal and break free from the effects of intimacy anorexia. We have many different resources to help including books, DVDs, support groups, and counselors that can help guide you on the path to recovery and a better lifestyle.
Visit intimacyanorexia.com/ for more information.
Also, we have a test you can take to determine if Intimacy Anorexia® is the issue in your marriage. Take the test here:
intimacyanorexia.com/ia-test/
If you are an Intimacy Anorexic, we have an ongoing Intimacy Anorexia 12 step recovery series here: • Intimacy Anorexia : 12...
For spouses of Intimacy Anorexics, we have an ongoing Married and Alone 12 steps series: • Married & Alone: 12 St...
If you're the partner of an Intimacy Anorexic®, we call that Married and Alone. You can check out the series of books Dr. Weiss has written on that subject here:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/m...
For female partners of male Intimacy Anorexics, we have this Married & Alone Facebook support group for them:
/ marriedandalone
For male partners of female Intimacy Anorexics, we have this Married & Alone Facebook support group for them:
/ supportgroupsaia
We have Intimacy Anorexia phone support groups for men and women here: www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-...
For female Intimacy Anorexics, we have a Female Intimacy Anorexia Facebook recovery support group here: / femaleia
Buy the Pain for Love DVD here: www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
For more information on Partner Betrayal Trauma®, go to partnerbetrayaltrauma.org/
For the Partner Betrayal Trauma DVD, visit: www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
For the Partner Betrayal Trauma book, visit:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
You can join the PBT Facebook recovery groups as well:
partnerbetrayaltrauma.org/par...
Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including, Partner Betrayal Trauma ™.
For information on marriage counseling and intensives, go to www.drdougweiss.com/counseling/
For a full list of Dr. Doug’s products, go to www.drdougweiss.com/store/
You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, www.drdougweiss.com or on his Facebook / drdougweiss
by phone at 719-278-3708 or through email at heart2heart@xc.org.
It's so painful, to live with someone that prefers images over you.
Omggggggggg yes I know how you feel .
You just described my marriage in detail here and in DARVO! I feel like I need to listen to this stuff over and over again to remind myself why I walked away and to ground myself from the fantasy into reality. I just found your channel and you are amazing! In my situation even if I found this earlier it would have not saved us, unfortunately. God bless you. I'm happy for the people who come out of all this through your help.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this but it's nice that you are working towards a better life. I'm glad this was helpful.
If you want, we have some phone and Facebook support groups you can join if you'd like; or you can meet with a counselor.
719-278-3708
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
What is DARVO?
YES!!! Lies he tells himself about me. I'm the problem. He won't apologize. Yesss, emotionally 14. I need a miracle.
I wish I could say watching this helped me, but really it just frightened me and knocked the wind out of my sails 😞
It made a lot of sense of things for me. But it is frightening and made me quite sad that there may never be a happy ending.
I know what you mean… after 21 years of this with my husband it all feels just insurmountable. I am now a reactive intimacy anorexic due to the trauma of living with an intimacy anorexic who is also a porn addict who has now become a full on voyeur (masturbates to pictures he took of girls and women some of whom we know, including my own sister). Regardless it is all too much at this point.
Watching You Just Makes Me Feel Better About Myself, But I Knew That I Had To Move On Because Things Will Never Change. Thank You.
My love meter is on E. My primary love language is touch and quality time. He is not the type to be physically affectionate towards me.
If you're dating, you might consider moving on. If married, I would do couple counseling. Also check out intimacyanorexia.com and you can be in a Married & Alone phone group or Facebook group.
www.drdougweiss.com/groups/married-alone-groups/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
You are NOT alone.
I’m physical touch and quality time also.
Let's have an affair
This is so painful. You are not alone 😔 it hurts so bad
So the only time my husband compliments me or puts forth effort in our marriage is when I get to the point where I'm so frustrated and he knows it and then the compliments and praises and affection are poured on. He knows what my love language is. He knows what I need and desire. He knows and he only does it when he can tell I'm upset. This rollercoaster ride is getting old. This inconsistent behavior is like a mind game. We've been married for over 30 years and I'm losing my tolerance for this. I've bought your books and DVDs and he shows no interest in any of it. I refuse to force, or cajole him into watching or reading any of it. He has to show the effort and the interest. I'm tired of feeling like a dentist (its like pulling teeth). Does he sound like an intimacy anorexic, Dr. Weiss? or am I just crazy??
This definitely sounds like Intimacy Anorexia. The game you're describing is on the DVD "Pain for Love". You might want to be in a Married & Alone phone group or Facebook group. This trauma is real and its impact on you can be found in the Partner Betrayal Trauma research in the Partner Betrayal Trauma book or DVD.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/pain-for-love-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/groups/married-alone-groups/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-dvd/
Thank you for replying Dr. Weiss. I ordered your pain for love download and also the married and alone ebook earlier today. I plan on looking at them tonight. Appreciate you!
Your pain for love is exactly what my life has been like. Exactly. I’m at the last stage. Realized a few days ago that it’s a crazy making game and I’m at the indifferent stage. It will cause contention if I don’t accept his stabilizing compliments and praise. I choose to stay to uphold my marriage vow. My Heavenly Father hates divorce and I know He doesn’t give us anything more than we can handle. It’s going to take a lot of work and self-care on my part I know but I’m determined to take it one day at a time. Peace
@@DrDougWeiss I did look and there is no married and alone support group on facebook. I am reading your ebook though.
Here's the link for the Married & Alone Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
My husband is this exactly. He is a covert narcissist. Sometimes I think he's a sociopath. I didn't realize this for 33 years. I was raised with abuse. But I am relieved to hear this. And after all of these years in hell I love myself to want to heal his nightmare problems with him. He doesn't deserve me.
Wow, thank you. So painful. Thank you for defining this.
Thanks for listening
Thank God,helped so much
This sounds like my relationship 100% but i don't think there's hope I just feel differently towards him he's just pushed and pushed made me feel so alone and insecure that I don't think I love him any longer great video appreciated thank you so much
You have so much knowledge about these things, wish I knew this channel before I got married
Thank you! 😊
Thank goodness I found this 😫🙌🏼 been suffering the cycle for 10 years, got married 2 months ago, everything came to a head 5 days ago. I am so so thankful for your content, thank you a million times over
Are you the one with IA?
My husband is addicted to his phone and always busy. He wants me to always ask him for sex. Even when am seated with him he finds ways and means to ignore me.
Finally somebody like my situation I've been married to this gentleman for 7years now I feel lonely very lonely no talking no laughing no kisses no hugs only I do it. He just stands still I don't know what to do & I don't know if I have energy to do something.
Nice to know this is exactly what we are doing with... I pray it will end well... but so far not so good...
Okay, I live this. It's a horror. My "husband" has never even been sexual with me since our wedding twenty one years ago. We have separate bedrooms (His choice). He does not show emotion except anger and rage. I get the silent treatment quite often. He will never stay around me as I'm have my morning tea. He will say "I have to go here or there. THen he has to take a shower. Anything to be away from me! 21 years wasted and now I am thinking of divorce. I'll be 66 soon but can't stand this life. I have asked him several times to just tell me why he never wanted to do anything. He actually says "I don't know" and I'm suppose to except that? He knows.
That is so tough. My heart goes out to you. I know the pain this can cause. You deserve to be valued and loved. You deserve this. Put yourself first regardless of what you decide to do. Don't neglect yourself. This would be so painful. Wishing you all the best
Happiness is power, time to move on
Anger and rage? PTSD. Child abuse most likely.
Is he looking at porn?
Why not leave?
This is me I am so I am so happy that I found this
Always wondered why my spouse never initiated sex in over 20 rs of marriage.
It made me think that he didnt feel i was good enough. It battered my self-esteem.
It felt bad to b pushed away. My health deteriorated. No hugs, kisses, no celebrations, no special gestures, no sharing . I didnt exist in his world. I withdrew into a shell. Did not want anyone to know i was being treated badly n it sucked that i didnt want to leave for i still loved my spouse. When i used to get upset, he would say he will fix everything, be nice for a few days, then go back to his old self again. I was dealing with a heartbreak every month.
Your pain and trauma from this is real. We have support for you available with our Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join if you'd like. You are not alone in this and you are worthy to be loved.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Ive been searching for years trying to figure out what was happening to me. Wow. Its a very lonely life to be married to someone like this. It deeply hurts. How anyone can prefer an image to you. Withhold love. Its crazy
Your pain from this is legitimate. If you need support, please reach out to Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 to get book with one of our therapists trained in intimacy anorexia and join one of our support groups too.
You can also check out the Married & Alone book and workbook to receive understanding and guidance for your situation.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-ebook/
It’s so hard to tell the difference between genuine sharing of feelings sometimes. Feelings are shared but shared in a sort of ‘ now you fix this’ kind of way.
I've been feeling like this lately. I am the "lover" and when I am too stressed out to be the person to always initiate and start conversations I am the one blamed and starved from all touch and interactions
Heartbreaking
Also, in the 6 years we've been together, he's rarely looked me in the eye. Eye contact means a lot to me, and I've explained that, but nothing ever changes.
Same here
Wow this is my husband all the way he blamed me for everything
Thank you
You're welcome
YES!!! He's almost never sorry. Everyone around us notices how he treats me. Withholding any connection. I feel that he hates me.
Displaced anger is often a sign of PTSD. And the PTSD is frequently from child abuse.
He won't even joke or laugh around with me. He'll joke around with his friends, but be emotionally distant with me.
From this and your other comments, you are describing Intimacy Anorexia. He is intentionally withholding from you. The DVD "Intimacy Anorexia" and "Pain for Love" could be helpful.
The pain you have experienced is real and if you're interested, you can join our Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group for support. You are not alone.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/pain-for-love-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Have a husband who only cares about his wants and needs. I’ve only been married for year and cry almost everyday. No intimacy, no communication (says I talk too much), doesn’t do anything with me but goes out his friend to the club. Seems like our marriage isn’t a priority. I need help because I don’t know how long it can continue like this. I pray Jesus leads the way
I'm sad that this is happening in your marriage. Know that however, the reason he does this is not because of you. I would go to your pastor as a couple for a start.
We have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support as well.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Dr Weiss do they really love you? Why did he chase after me and asked me to marry him? We have been together for 30 years. He gave my love language to his affair partner and the pain goes soul deep, it was everything I had asked him to do for me over the years. He was a sex addict, though he claims he isn’t like that now. It’s been two years since his affair and I have done all I can to heal our relationship, yet here I am wondering how I can escape the pain...why do I love him, how could I love someone who has treated me so terribly...Trauma bond?
You would need to talk to a counselor for your specific answers. Your trauma from this is real.
We have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group that can give you support.
You could also do a Partners counseling intensive as well. You can call us at 719-278-3708 for more information.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Only when I'm about to kick him out he finally shows affection. Tired of it.
Same.
It’s been about 7 years here . Never got in shape again my psychiatrist told me 2 years ago that my weight problem was lack of sex, I am so exhausted
Dr Weiss is intimacy anorexia related to a partner having narcissistic personality traits?
Would you do a video that might touch on I.A and narcissism .
We currently have released the DVD "Narcissism, Sex Addiction, & Intimacy Anorexia" that discusses the topics and how they relate to one another.
czcams.com/video/nQHyRC2iyTs/video.html
www.drdougweiss.com/product/narcissism-sex-addiction-intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
This describes my relationship with my late husband . I feel some weight lifted because I always thought Maybe I was just too needy and asked too much of him but this validates my experiences and feeling I had . Even in his death I have felt guilt for talking about the lack of intimacy and such in our relationship. I could never understand and thought it must be me or something I did . So I have a question , Can you tell me if there any correlation with this and suicide ? If so do you have any writings or videos addressing g the subject ?
You might want to seek help for living with this trauma of neglect. We offer intensives in our office as well as phone sessions with counselors. You can call us at 719-278-3708 to get more information.
As for the correlation between intimacy anorexia and suicide you're asking about, we don't have any videos or writings that address it.
What do you do if they won’t see that there is a problem? When I try to talk to him about my concerns he becomes angry. What is the next step?
I'm sorry he has to choose to change. You can't change him if he is unwilling. The DVDs "Unstuck", "He Needs To Change", and "Pain For Love" could be helpful for you. Your pain and trauma you have been dealing with is real. If you want, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/he-needs-to-change-dr-weiss-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/pain-for-love-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/groups/married-alone-groups/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
omg i have been searching for years on the problem my wife has , so i ordered the book for her will she read it
Damn everything you said is 10 for 10 been my relationship for 5 years down to the her saying she doesn't know how to show emotions or affection or talk about her feelings. I've made counciling appointments only to have her pick a fight the day of just to get out of having to go. She has always used intimacy as a weapon paired with the silent treatment. Even when we are laying in the same bed at night I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Every time I try to discuss whats going on she gets verbally angry and physically violent and accuses me of wanting to always fight. My bags have been packed and I've been looking for another place to live with our 2 children. Her alcoholism comes before our family as do all her other friendships she runs to and stays gone for weekends on end to party.
Maybe she had sexual trauma :/
Sad that you are in this situation. You can't change her though, that is something she has to decide. You are wise to focus on your healing from this trauma.
We do have a Married & Alone Facebook group you can join for support if you wish.
facebook.com/groups/supportgroupSAIA/
So sorry. Praying for healing in Jesus name
Exactly, the negative narrative.. I know this and I never never found my way out of it.. I was guilty of things that wasn't even true and he would bring it again and again like a sword over my head.. crazy making
I really feel that this is what's going on or it is big part of our issues...I dont with hold my love for him or sex but i used to years ago. He adored me and i just felt afraid to let go and love him with all i am because i had been hurt before..Then i fell so in love with him after i seen him aall he did for his mom when she was paralyzed 3 yrs ago..i seen the good that i didnt care enough about before and decided he was worthly and i have loved him so deeply since then. ..even with our problem. And it seemed like as soon as i fell for him..his feeling stopped for me. Covid plus starting a business / working together on top of me having am2 accidents..and i was very sick and dosnt know it til last year that ive had heart failure so it was like everything was coning at us. We both have intentionallly hurt the other and i dont want that ever and i need help with this too..when we fight i sometimes with say something stupid to hurt him because im hurting. He will say something like well leave and go find someone else..and i say..is that what u want me to do...is find to another man?..I know its wrong and i hate it and i would not do that.but in the moment I'm just trying to make him feel something. But don't want to do this and really need help with that too. I want us to be a team..I need to know that he wants me just as I want him. He told me last year..that I was half of his soul and that even when we're apart that he still feels me..and thats what I need to feel from him. I'm confused because he said that and then he says the opposite...was that a lie? Or does he love me but thinks if he is hard on me or punish me then I'll be a better wife? Or does he feel that he better not love me too much or I'll be spoiled? It's devastating just thinking of this.
I think we both need help and and he hasnt refused to talk to a therapist or anything like that. I just feel like he thinks that im all he blame and im the only problem so i dont even know where to start or how to let him know i feel like this is why i feel rejected from him making him angry. I love this man with all me heart and it's so wrong that we're at this place because we used to be such happy lovers and best friends.I have to save our marriage ..we've been together for 15 years I'm sick of being sad myself and im sick of not being able to make him happy. Is there anywhere in the Dallas Fort Worth area that has these intense workshops or maybe we can even make a trip there ..or a therapist that can do phone appointments because he drives a truck and put of town so much..but we've got to do something asap. I love this man and want to save my marriage for both of us and our daughter too. We have had a lot of bad times but we have had a lifetime of good times and I want thus back...I need it.. I don't want anyone but my husband....I need his to feel the same. I know this is a long message and I'm sorry but if you made it this far any of will be so appreciated
I'm sad to hear to hear that this is happening in your marriage. As for help, you can go to aasat.org to see therapists certified in this in Dallas Fort Worth area and surroundings. You can also call our main office at 719-278-3708 and we will be happy to any questions you may have regarding our resources and such. I hope all goes well on your path towards healing.
aasat.org/find-therapist/
Do you have materials available in Spanish? My husband only speaks Spanish.
Yes we do. (Although we have more available for ebooks than for books)
(For Books)
www.drdougweiss.com/store-old/?product_cat=books&product_tag=spanish
(For Ebooks)
www.drdougweiss.com/store-old/?product_cat=ebooks&product_tag=spanish&shop_columns=6
ADHD can be a big factor - dopamine/emotional regulation…
This is exactly how I feel... Even though I'm not married, I'm truly fearing my future with him, yet I find it so difficult to leave him that I often just run back...
I don't have any friends who I can find any strength in to walk away from him and my family just doesn't want to get involved... I don't know what to do, I feel so neglected yet trapped by my own mind.
And when I try to remind him that his silence is abusive, he asks me how does that work when he doesn't even hit me yet the way he acts and the spiritual connection he deprives me of hurts more than a punch...
It sounds like you know what to do. As for support, you can join a Married & Alone phone group as well as the Facebook group. Your pain from this is real and the people in these groups can help you heal and get good advice.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
@@DrDougWeiss Thank you so much
@English Tutor My husband tells me “at least he hasn’t cheated on me or ever hit me”. I can relate!!! This is so eye opening!
… the difference is I kept running back until we got married and had children. I kept thinking, “I’ll be good enough. He’s just busy. One day he won’t be as busy.” It hasn’t changed. 12 years later, same story but now I can’t just walk away. I’m so grateful for our children though.
My spouse said he will watch a video because I’ve told him about it (after him giving me 2 weeks of the silent treatment for various “other things”). I’ve become so much like him in the past 2 years just to cope and I’m afraid he’s going to turn it back on me saying I have intimacy issues (which I don’t), cause that’s what he does. Can you suggest a video that would be a good start for him that will explain it and hopefully he will see the truth and get help? Thank you.
I would suggest the Intimacy Anorexia DVD.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
What would you say about a married couple who do NOT live in the same house?
This was probably the best solution they could find at the time for whatever the problems they were trying to solve. I recommend counseling where both sides of a story could be heard and solutions can be agreed upon.
I have been married 30 years and just discovered my husband's porn addiction that he's had for the duration and back to his teens. It's been a disclosure process since November. He's always been my hero and best friend, and now I'm in shock and pain. He is trying and he has had a horrible childhood. Where to go next?
To another man imo. If he's porn addicted AND starving you for intimacy and sex? He didn't care
same here. It feels like being cheated on.
Ladies,as one who has been there...RUN.Dont look back.
Doctor, doesn’t this sound like a bit like narcissistic behaviour as well? Are they related in any way? 13:23
Intimacy Anorexia is an addictive behavior, so you would be experiencing this. However, it's not usually rooted in pathology. I have a DVD on this topic called Sex Addiction, Intimacy Anorexia, and Narcissism.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/narcissism-sex-addiction-intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
Dr. - Can both individuals in the marriage have some degree of SA?
If by SA, you mean sex addiction, yes both spouses can be SA. Both of you would have to have to do the work to recover and heal. Doing intensive counseling would be something to consider. You can find a certified therapist under our AASAT program. You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we can help get you scheduled with one in your local area or if there isn't one, you can do a virtual session. We can also provide you with helpful books and workbooks and connect you with our support groups as well.
Check out drdougweiss.com for more information.
You refer to the causes of intimacy anorexia as low T, thyroid issues, sex addiction etc. If these things do not apply, is it possibly that unhealthy mother/son or son/family of origin enmeshment can be a cause? And how when you treat this, do you treat the cause?
Yes, cross gender attachment can definitely be a cause. He could go to counseling to work through this.
All of this
So how do you deal with this problem
We offer in-person intensives or phone counseling for both the intimacy anorexic and their spouse by calling 719-278-3708 to get scheduled with a therapist who specializes in this. You can check out intimacyanorexia.com for more information about intimacy anorexia and the resources tied to it.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-workbook/
If you are the spouse of an intimacy anorexic, you are married and alone. We also have resources available to help them as well.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
Mine plays dumb. Acts like he's stupid, can't find anything even if its staring him straight in the face. I ask him to please do something a special way.
AND.... on spite he dose it another way just to aggravate me till I start yelling and then he refuse's to hear me and tells me your crazy. While he walks away laughing. (Oh did I mention he has hearing problem)? It's called "Selective Hearing".
After I'm so aggravated with this boy/man I see he starts smirking and tells me, I'm a nut I'm just like my mother etc.
Or he says .... your always screaming....than this gives him the chance not to Connect yet again to me.
So I get frustrated bc I became the mommy yet again and "little boy blue" dosn't have to do anything and dosn't get to grow up.
He fights me on everything very combative w/me. if I say "yes" he says no. If I say blue he has to say green.
He will never ever give me the benefit of the doubt.
He is very secretive with his family they think he's the victim in this relationship God knows what he's told them.
He Loves his role as a Sissy boy/man won't connect with me on any level. I do not belittle him I keep everything inside till now. He is "passive aggressive" and you never know what he really feels bc he never shares what he is thinking.
Everyone else thinks he's such a nice guy. POOR HIM, he's got them all fooled. They all think he's Mr. WOUNDERFUL.
MEANWHILE - I gor the name and he plays the game.
😢I'm smart intuitive and intelligent. I stood only bc I didn't want my children to be from a divorced family. And I'm glad I did.
They are all successful.
But my children are all grown up and I will not tolerate this any longer. The problem lies with Divorcing him. Divorce is very $$$$ the only one's that succeed are the Attorney's. And I don't feel like giving all my money to them .
Thank you for hearing me rant.
Would it be possible to make this exact video again but speak in a way as though youre talking to the anorexic and not the lover? This is good stuff and i was taking notes, but the use of the psrsonal pro-nouns made it hard to follow... i had to replace "they" with "you" and "you" with "they" etc.
Yes, I actually have a video called "A Conversation with Dr. Weiss - My Spouse thinks I'm Intimacy Anorexic" that that's directed more towards the IA: czcams.com/video/6IctfKKnhMQ/video.html
Could it be they just are not attracted to you anymore ? or do they just not care ?
It's usually about maintaining distance from you. You can go to intimacyanorexia.com to see if this sounds like your situation. The Married & Alone book/DVD could be useful as well to get a real understanding of what you're living with.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-dvd/
I’m so fed up i don’t know what to do 🤦🏾♀️
Start your own healing and support. The Married & Alone book/workbook would be helpful. You could also do phone counseling as well as join our Facebook support group.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
I've noticed that my husband doesn't call me beautiful or that I'm pretty etc. I always tell my husband because I really think he is the hottest thing walking around. And he's great with fixing things that are broken just by learning on CZcams and I think that's so hot. I will just stare at him while he's driving and let him know how handsome he is. I'm infatuated. But one day after getting dressed up I noticed that I was really striving to be called beautiful or hot or anything. I went for weeks trying to get that same look out of him the same that I catch my self staring at him. But nothing. I even pointed it out one day when I was really beaten down feeling. There was no answer from his part and I was begging him saying am I just not attractive anymore? I still don't know why
This is sad to hear. The issue though is not with your beauty but with him withholding praise, especially after you've made it clear. Check out intimacyanorexia.com and see if this fits the pain you are experiencing.
My husband doesn’t want to help and that’s where I am after 37 years and I’m not sure what to do for me.
1. Too busy for your spouse (work, sports, community involvement),etc) even when both spouses are home (hours of tv, hours of cleaning, etc.)
2. Blame- never accountable without coercion, and using blame to deflect to avoid accountability.
3. Withhold the way you receive love- control tactic.
4. Withholding spiritually.
5. Withholding sex; Withholding initiation, disconnect during sex, etc. You feel more alone and used after sex then before.
6. Withholding feelings when you're alone with your spouse about you, themselves, life, etc.
7. Ungoing (picking) and Ungrounded Criticism- being punished due to their negative false narrative projected on you. You can't perform or be heard out of that mindset.
8. Anger and silence- use silence to control you. It's unkind and abusive. Usually ti get you to not confront them about their flaw(s).
9. Controlling money- you have no say in finances and/or they use what they buy for you as a way to control that they don't need to do anything else for you.
10. Feel like you have a roommate; feels empty, alone, etc.
What should a person do if the partner is in complete denial and seems to think I am making things up🙁
You can start your own healing. If they can't see it, they can't change and it will only get worse.
If you'd like, we have a Married and Alone phone group and Facebook group to join for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
So what if he is checking all the boxes to having this, yet he was very different with his ex. Is it still intimacy anorexia? Or is he just not into her? They been together almost 10 yrs
There would be no way of telling without having an in-depth conversation with him. Your pain from this is real. I would suggest reading or watching Married & Alone or calling us at 719-278-3708 to speak to a counselor or coach.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-dvd/
We also have Married & Alone support groups available for over the phone and on Facebook as well. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
How can I sign up for therapy...
You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we will be happy to schedule you with one of our counselors and answer any other questions that you may have.
The sin of withholding
I've gotten over the feeling of bieng guilty for something I didnt do.what i would like Is for my wife to open up and want change.i have the books and have plenty knowledge.what can a married person do if they wont budge?.
Unless they are willing to, you can't make anyone change, even if you are in pain. We have a Married & Alone Facebook group for men you can join.
facebook.com/groups/supportgroupSAIA/
We are also currently starting a Married & Alone phone group. You can call our office at 719-278-3708 to be put on the waiting list for it.
@@DrDougWeiss thanks doc. You and your book have been a blessing. More Prayer more power
@@DrDougWeiss iam a sufferer too but don't know how to connect to you.
Everything you mentioned screams my partner. Yet nothing changes after converstation, and it turns to being on me to prove and have to earn intimacy. I don't know what to do?
The goal of intimacy anorexia is distance so from your end alone you can do nothing. You might though want to get more informed about intimacy anorexia via the book or DVD "Intimacy Anorexia" and for "Married & Alone". You can also check out intimacyanorexia.com for more information and resources.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-dvd/
For support, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Dr.Weiss can you tell me why they end up being intimacy anorexics? Is it because they have a mental issue or is it intentional?
The behavior is intentional. There are a few reasons covered in the video, however, they can heal if they choose to.
If you need support, join our Married & Alone phone group or Facebook group. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
What happens with a couple that both have these traits
Can they work if so how
If they both work on it together it can work and be great. If one doesn't work on it, it will be a challenge and the two might need professional help or an intensive.
Can you explain what causes these traits if you have them in yourself? What causes you to be this way or why do you behave this way? I would love to understand the other side
@@parisa5014 It could be trauma, family of origin issues, addiction, etc. I would recommend watching the Intimacy Anorexia DVD to discover the specific causes.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
Is it possible for someone who suffers from disassociate disorder ,being triggered from someone who their afraid of being hurt again
Yes. I would see a therapist that specializes in that diagnosis.
Wish there is an email I can write?
Yes, you can email us at heart2heart@xc.org
What would you recommend if being intimately anorexic is a result of being in a long term abuse marriage?
There is a form of this called reactive intimacy anorexia (being IA because their partner is IA or abusive). Also, women in our research on Partner Betrayal Trauma reported higher scores on Intimacy Anorexia if married to a sex addict, intimacy anorexia, or someone who's experienced in infidelity. You can check out partnerbetrayaltrauma.org for more information.
When I found him watching porn, flying off the handle from undiagnosed bipolar and then finding out he cheated on me twice, I pulled away. He's medicated now but the hurt stops me from feeling intimate with him. I've lost the respect and want for him. Consequences for actions. I would love to let me guard down but I've been hurt so many times.
Bipolar Disorder doesn't cause cheating. Your partner betrayal trauma is real, your lack of feeling is a result of his choices. Your need to heal is legit, you can talk to a counselor or coach by calling our office at (719) 278-3708, you can also join a group for the Partner Betrayal Trauma. www.drdougweiss.com/facebook-groups/
Can one be intimicy anorexic in every aria just not sex....so asking for sex but witholding all the other?
i realice who i am, thank you sir! i need help ;(
You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we can help you get started with counseling or recommend the best resources for you to utilize depending on your situation.
For those struggling with Intimacy Anorexia or dealing with their partner/spouse's Intimacy Anorexia, we have many helpful resources listed below:
You can visit intimacyanorexia.com/ for additional information specifically about Intimacy Anorexia.
Also, we have a test you can take to determine if Intimacy Anorexia® is the issue in your marriage. Take the test here:
intimacyanorexia.com/ia-test/
If you are an Intimacy Anorexic, we have an ongoing Intimacy Anorexia 12 step recovery series here: czcams.com/play/PLoQAJVqvxAfjQQowDIhme-GFaGiHkaM6C.html
For spouses of Intimacy Anorexics, we have an ongoing Married and Alone 12 steps series: czcams.com/play/PLoQAJVqvxAfhoYq-6aM64aOd6N8OAUSPK.html
If you're the partner of an Intimacy Anorexic®, we call that Married and Alone. You can check out the series of books Dr. Weiss has written on that subject here:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-and-alone-set/
For female partners of male Intimacy Anorexics, we have this Married & Alone Facebook support group for them:
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
For male partners of female Intimacy Anorexics, we have this Married & Alone Facebook support group for them:
facebook.com/groups/supportgroupSAIA/
We have Intimacy Anorexia phone support groups for men and women here: www.drdougweiss.com/intimacy-anorexia-group/
For female Intimacy Anorexics, we have a Female Intimacy Anorexia Facebook recovery support group here: facebook.com/groups/femaleIA
I hate to say it, but what you are discussing in each segment of your video on intimacy anorexia is really sounds like what you are describing is "narcissistic personality disorder" NPD which is a mental disorder mentioned in the professional diagnosis codes of the Mental Health community.
This is all that I will say on this very serious topic.
If you want to help couples, you might want to re-think your idea. This could really hurt people and mis-lead them and harm the spouse, as a victim of narcissitic abuse, which may take years to recover or even lose their life. A narcissist never goes into treatment, as they are not usually the one who is treated. It is their victimized spouse is the one who has to deal with all the pain and recover from the damaging and traumatizing relationship. The narcissistic person never cares nor loves with their whole heart, as they only care for themselves. Meaning that they always come first, nothing else matters to them. You are just an object or pawn to them and that never changes. Narcissism seems to destroy family relationship or marriages. I am leaving the rest of this information up to your responsibility to inform your listeners and correctly guide them and support them to have the help they so desperately need. If you don't, you will be hurting many people in this type of damaged, difficult, unhappy marriages and lives destroyed.
been married for 24 years she is as dead 💀 as a 🚪 nail (with holding sex ) I feel like 💩 begging 4 it am luck 🍀 if I get it 1 very 2weeks we are both 44 years old she doesn’t want help & is completely ok with it
Explain dreams on sex relate to all this
Maybe i’ve missed it,but WHAT is the actual reason that they behave like that/and WHY?
I see that my spouse has all these behaviours of an intimacy anorexia,and i have confronted her serveral times how she behaves for no reason all of a sudden(because in the beginning there was loving and caring),but she blames it on her past(which is no argument ofcourse).she doesnt even want to take the effort to talk about let alone do something about it.she only reacts on me but does not intitiate.
You might want to get the "Intimacy Anorexia" and "Married & Alone" books or DVDs. For causes, it could sexual abuse, sex addiction, a cross gender attachment issue (for her it would be dad), or role model neglect of both parents.
@@DrDougWeiss ok thank you dr.
Where can i find your books?
Our books and DVDs are available on the online store on drdougweiss.com
For the Intimacy Anorexia:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
For Married & Alone:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-dvd/
@@DrDougWeiss thank you again dr,for your response.
@@rabinboedhoe3533 You're welcome
Excally, all true all true
Rather be single and going solo than to deal with anyone who purposely withholds intimacy. It's a power and control issue of the unhealthy and unhealed person.
@Dr Doug Weiss, is Intimacy Anorexia a type of abuse?
The neglect from Intimacy Anorexia has the same symptoms as abuse, according to the research in our Partner Betrayal Trauma book.
If you need support, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
@@DrDougWeiss Thank you for your response, much appreciated!
Do you have video how to overcome homosexual pornography? Same sex attraction?
How do you handle a spouse who is gaslighter and intimacy anorexic
I would be in a group for support (we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group) as well as working through the Married & Alone Workbook, which has strategies for this.
For the phone support groups, you can call us at 719-278-3708 for information about joining.
www.drdougweiss.com/facebook-groups/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-workbook/
You can also check out the video I have for Gaslighting: czcams.com/video/h31MRMwTqZo/video.html
Mine is great with words, great with physical affection. But it always feels like he's just going through the motions. Sex is daily, always with his eyes closed or staring at my body parts. There's no depth to any if it. No connection.
probably not
Hopefully this reaches you my wife found this video I know it 2 yrs old but I am the 1 that is neglecting my wife to the point she is ready for divorce I want to fix my problem
Do you have a contact number or email, I could reach out to you on. I honestly don't want to type everything on here.
You can contact my office at 719-278-3708 or email at heart2heart@xc.org
After nearly fifty yrs I fear it’s too late.
It's not too late for you to heal. If you both want help, you could do an intensive. Call us at 719-278-3708 or email us at heart2heart@xc.org for more information.
@@DrDougWeiss He would never go or admit there is a problem. He thinks is just " Me and my insecurities" He won't even talk about anything to be. and then end in the I find myself saying ' I'm sorry for how I feel.
@@gigimarino3764 If you want, we have a Married & Alone phone group or FB group you can join for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/groups/married-alone-groups/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
Does being married to a possible intimacy anorexic and porn addict make us (wives) start having some of the characteristics of an intimacy anorexic? Because of his behavior, I find myself acting in ways I would not otherwise act in a healthy relationship. I dont want to have sex with him or show outward expressions of love towards him because of his porn use and disrespectful comments and treatment of my family, its like he has to put them down. And then he thinks everyone in his family hung the moon and I should be excited over everything they do.
Yes, it is possible to display the characteristics of intimacy anorexia in response to what they are doing. This is called "reactive intimacy anorexia".
You can check out these CZcams videos which talk more on this subject:
czcams.com/video/yhEBEfaUqVQ/video.html
czcams.com/video/XxvDibgYUqAx/video.html
I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with these things in your marriage. Your pain from this is real. Here at Heart To Heart Counseling Center, we have therapists who are certified in dealing with intimacy anorexia, sex addiction, and partner betrayal trauma. You can contact us at 719-278-3708 to get started with counseling and joining one of our support groups. There's also the option of our 3 and 5-day intensive program, which provides a lot of counseling over the course of a few days. Even if he is unwilling to get help, you can still get healing for and support for yourself.
For resources, there are several that would be helpful for him and for you. The first is the "Helping Her Heal" set, which helps men understand the damage and pain that their actions are causing to their significant other: www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-download-set/
The DVD "Intimacy Anorexia" and perhaps even the "Reactive Intimacy Anorexia" DVD would be useful in understanding intimacy anorexia and reactive intimacy anorexia better and how to properly deal with them.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-video-download/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/reactive-intimacy-anorexia-video-download/
You can also check out intimacyanorexia.com for more information and resources on intimacy anorexia.com/
For materials you can work on to get healing, there's the Partners Healing From His Addiction book and workbook, as well as the Married & Alone book and workbook as well.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partners-healing-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partners-recovery-guide-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-healing-exercises-ebook/
So where does codependency fit in this? Can someone come out of IA without trying to understand how the other feels and adjusting behavior?
When I do things to counter this (three dailies, loving in her language). I am told I’m “just trying”, or that I’m “being codependent”.
It’s exhausting.
It may not be codependency, it might be mutual Intimacy Anorexia.
What is codependency?
I know. I tell my husband what I need and he said hebwont do it if he doesn't FEEL like it...so it doesn't matter what I need and he won't choose to do anything without being led with a strong natural feeling..
@@sarahs7253 The pain you have experienced from this is real. You can join our Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/groups/married-alone-groups/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
😪😪😪
Why they are like this ? I mean.. childhood ?
There are several possible reasons: sex addiction, sex abuse, lack of attachments, etc. You might want to watch or read "Intimacy Anorexia".
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
WHY are they like that? What causes it?
It could be several different reasons including sexual abuse, sex addiction, lack of parental attachments, and lack of role modeling. You might want to get the Intimacy Anorexia DVD or book for further understanding. You can also check out intimacyanorexia.org
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/
@@DrDougWeiss I always figured mine did it in spite due to my nagging. Thank you for replying. 😃
Roommates. Except less nice. That about describes it.
Can you have this just in emotional, physical and spiritual and have the person be demanding sexually because that’s what’s happened in my relationship my husband wanted no emotional interest no spiritual anything and then finally he began to rape me because I couldn’t give him the sex he demanded.
For the longest time in my marriage I often wondered why I was never touched no for play I thought that was just the way it was. When I found out about my husbands secret life of massive porn strip clubs etc 99% of sex was for 2 minuites after he got done watching porn. And I didn’t even know when I did find out about it it was so sorry I won’t watch it anymore or I was told to grow up it’s normal to watch porn one time he even put a pillow over his face during
2 years ago I found out he had an affair that he denies (I have proof ) that porn never stopped he just got better at hiding it.
I would assume that’s why he has no emotions cuz he thinks that is what sex is (porn sex) I am devastated he doesn’t think it plays a role in the last few years with ED.
Everything you said is valid. I recommend you join one of our groups. www.drdougweiss.com/facebook-groups/
There is a binge phase. Just like anorexia.
This sounds like narcissism
Did ypu just say "both genders"? 😳
Yes.