Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship? It Might Be Intimacy Anorexia | Dr. Doug Weiss
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- čas přidán 18. 09. 2020
- You thought you’d never feel like this once you got married. You feel so alone. He’s right there, but he’s a million miles away. Marriage was supposed to be about spending the rest of your life side by side with your best friend… having someone to listen to the story of your day… knowing he would always be there to hold onto when life was hard.
Instead, you got this.
A husband who’s more like a roommate.
A husband who has more time for other people than he has time for you.
A husband who doesn’t want to be close to you. Who blames you for everything.
You can’t live like this anymore. Something has to change.
It’s time to meet Dr. Doug Weiss.
Dr. Weiss knows exactly what it feels like to be married and alone. Thousands of couples pass through his practice at the Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs. This is their last hope.
What Dr. Weiss teaches them is a concept that many have never heard of:
Intimacy anorexia.
It’s the deliberate withholding of love and intimacy in a relationship.
If you're feeling lonely in a relationship, if you're lonely in marriage, then this week’s YBTV interview is for you.
You’ll learn what the addiction model of recovery has to do with your relationship problems, why he changed so much after you got married, and the secret reason your relationship only gets better after you’ve reached your breaking point.
You don't have to stay trapped in a sexless marriage. Dr. Doug offers practical marriage help.
Prefer to read rather than watch? Read the article here:
yourbrilliance.com/feeling-lo...
Resources:
Take the Intimacy Anorexia quiz: intimacyanorexia.com/ia-test/
Intimacy Anorexia book: www.drdougweiss.com/product/i...
Married and Alone book: www.drdougweiss.com/product/m...
Pain for Love DVD: www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
Sexless Marriage: www.drdougweiss.com/sexless-m...
Unstuck DVD: www.drdougweiss.com/product/u...
#YBTVinterview #YourBrilliance - Jak na to + styl
Been pushed away so many years that now I no longer want him. I don't even want to try anymore. He disgusts me, not even sure why I used to want him to want me. Supposed to be best friends, I can't even talk to him lol. Divorce is a dream.
That sounds awful, Penny! What is holding you back from taking that next step?
Feel The same way, I find that He became a shell of man nothing there, I have NO desire anymore.
That's how I feel😔
Omg yes I completely understand
Being push away is very hurtful
When every one else, but your own husband, tells you that you are a beautiful woman, there's a problem. Causes confusion. Story of my life.
So many of us were raised to believe that marriage is a commitment to stay together forever. But what if marriage is a commitment to more than that? What if marriage is a commitment to supporting each other and staying connected no matter what? Then we might look around and see that a lot of people with wedding rings aren't actually married. They're living together, but they no longer have the emotional connection they promised they would keep.
Totally, after the lockdown ended I went outside and got a compliment for the first time in months and that took by surprise for a few seconds.
@@Alonepistachio hello if it's ok to ask did you start obsessing about his actions hoping everyday that he would touch you or pay attention to you?
@@kkeepiitmmoving I feel like little by little i didnt even expect him to kiss me goodnight or say anything to me really. It felt like getting use to being invisible and the second I got the smallest amount of attention from someone i suddenly realize how much I’d missed feeling seen. I had never felt more pathetic in my life. Happy to say I have moved out and I now feel so much better being alone then i did feeling unseen. Hope you get out of your situation as well whether its by working on your issues with your partner or simply putting your needs first by leaving.
@@Alonepistachio soo happy your moved on. I am struggling everyday to just feel normal. It hurts soo bad. I feel tired all the time and now having anxiety. I'm so lost and sad all the time. I just want a genuine hug. Both my ex husband and now boyfriend has done the same. Soo much love at first then almost nothing. Both telling me how beautiful I am but nothing but words a few days of something small when I get upset. Then nothing again. I dont want another failed relationship I have three kids now. I love him very much. But I feel like I'm nothing
I’m a widow of a living husband.
It hurtssss a lot 😥
Do you think he'd be open to talking about it, Nadia? Or has he made it clear that he's not changing and that this is your problem?
My husbands theme has been “ you don’t speak respectfully to me” so he punishes me with silence and distance! I feel unattractive, undesirable and unwanted. The strange irony is how I’ve almost come to hate myself because of it
Oh, Jody!! That's what abuse does to you. You internalize it. Because really you have only two options: either he's lying about you - which is a horrifying thing to realize about the man you married - or he's seeing something about you that you can't see, which feels like the safer option. As women, it's so much easier for us to believe we're responsible, because the alternative is too hard to bear. If you've got a few moments, I'd love you to watch another interview I did with a woman who pioneered the term "verbal abuse" in relationships. Patricia Evans is a legend. I hope her words help you see that things shouldn't be like this: czcams.com/video/-gxUex9sb5k/video.html
Never hate you for other behavior
Exactly what my wife does. But her definition of not speaking respectfully includes me asking her to put down her phone and actually make eye contact with when I'm trying to have a conversation with her.
There’s always a root cause!!!!
example one can complain of a neck pain or to make it more complicated the front shoulder area hurts where it connects to chest pec muscle. The root cause is not where it is hurting but the root could be from the lower back or even the feet. Point is you have to look and understand from your investigation.
I should point out the female human has a agenda to hold on each time they are hurt but forget the pleasure moments when something bad has happened. Therefore a conclusion of my worth is much more results to an expulsion as one would have to understand the chemical reaction of the chemistry of both female and male brain before looking at the body and individual’s body. We all like to think we are innocent and obligation to the laws of the land and upbringing with the fusion of the media of entertainments has an impact which is associated with the experience one has to this point of life. Patterns have a start and addiction of another word of practice and routine. People forget why and just continue as it feels right yet there’s all the above and more if I go further in explanation. Food has a reaction and everything we eat has it’s own reaction and the time of eating makes a reaction that more different. So the actuality is not who is the black but an investigation is required as there’s always an actual one reason, where like a tree grows and branches further from the initial root (not roots as a tree due to a tree grow both ways so the root here is the point where roots begins and stem took off from.
Best for you to see a therapist or a very good counsellor if this marriage means or is worth keeping.
We are not who we are five minutes ago as we are always constructing to be more of or be something or improving and the question is what which all is classed as development
Hope this helps and you need to stay strong and be in control do not allow you anxiety to take over. The greatest sickness is our own mind
If he says that you do not speak respectfully about or to him. Maybe you spoke unrespectfully, and maybe you do it often and during several years. Do you think that that shows love from your side. As a man, if the woman does not show encouragement and respect, you will see that hi interest in helping, building, developing the relationship will diminish and his woman will become a turn-off.
When wife chooses phone over spending time with husband on day off or after work.
This is abusive, emotional abuse. Love bombing and then withholding affection is cruel.
Great observation, Gwen. I wish I'd have asked Dr. Weiss about the connection between intimacy anorexia and emotional abuse. It seems to me that there's a link, too.
As a caring, loving, attentive husband, the loneliness and hopelessness that results from lack of reciprocation is so painful. It seems that my wife’s addiction to withholding started shortly after our wedding night. Literally on the 3rd day of our honeymoon she started creating conflict in order to give herself excuses to reject me and to control intimacy. It’s been the common theme for two years now. Only when my pain is so severe and I feel so unloved that I get to the point of voicing that we are on the path to divorce, does she decide to be present and appear to be loving. And that usually lasts for a week, tops. This video really opened my eyes and explained SO MUCH. I just ordered Dr Weiss’ book and I do have a small glimmer of hope.
So glad this was helpful, George! Dr. Weiss has so many resources for couples, including retreats. Another potentially productive approach is to look at childhood trauma. Withholding can be a way of surviving an emotionally difficult childhood. Then, when that child grows up and becomes an adult, withholding becomes maladaptive, but it's so engrained that they can't break the compulsion. If your wife is willing, there are so many avenues to pursue.
I’m so there . This is my whole marriage.
Yes 💔
hello if it's ok to ask did you start obsessing about his actions hoping everyday that he would touch you or pay attention to you?
Kimberly Williams do you desire that
@@kkeepiitmmoving I did in mine. Constantly on my mind.
Hello everyone in response to the questions being asked. I have been alot better and not worrying about his behavior or move movements. Honestly I have decided to trust our relationship a lot more. I have began a journey of self love and care. I'm decided to get back to focusing on myself first and my income second. If he is the mane for me or not we got a kid to raise and im gonna focus on that. The feeling of focusing on someone else is a feeling I would not want my worst enemy. I have been feeling great. And been learning alot about myself and my childhood that males me vulnerable to this co dependent behavior and why I might be attracting what I am going though. I am an awesome person and only have this one life and body to live with. I wake up with me and go to sleep with me. I'm focusing on me. Lol it's been great I am no longer worried if he cares for me I am more worried about if I care for myself enough each day. Things will fall into place around me. I'm trusting the good vibes and energy I put put will come back to me 10 fold.
This is too real. I thought I was crazy for feeling this way.
@@kkeepiitmmoving there's nothing I wouldn't do to try and gain his attention. It became an obsession. Dying inside every single day, begging him to just see me. But everyone and everything else was more important. The constant rejection is soul destroying.
And then 6 weeks ago, I attended our first marriage counseling session alone, (he agreed to go to counseling but then refused to go) and while I was talking to the counselor, he packed his bags and left me. After 21 years together, the pressure of me asking for change made him run away.
@@kkeepiitmmoving I'm so sorry you are going through this. No matter how much we love them, they are incapable of loving us back.
It's hard to start again, but if you can find a way to live without him (I'm talking living conditions) it gets a bit easier every day. I'm not quite 8 weeks out and I'm still shakey, but it's ok. I'm finding my way to getting over him and finding myself again.
You are not alone, I know it's not much, I'm just an internet stranger, but I am thinking of you, and wishing you happiness and love. You deserve it, xx
@@kkeepiitmmoving only by letting them go, do we have a chance at finding someone who truly loves us and wants to love us. And we deserve it!
I am going to serious troubles in my marriage right now. And I stumbled on this video, and the minute i saw this I fell on the floor crying.
This is me.
This is exactly how i treat my wife every single day.
We have been married for almost nine years and after we got married (as Dr. Weiss said) I totally dropped out and I have continued to behave
the same way until today. I drive her nuts with that and she tries and tries and it isn't working. Because I am the problem.
We fall in the exact same patterns as Dr. Weiss describes. After a serious meltdown and after long hours of screaming, crying, opining up and talking about leaving me,
I am emotionally available for a few days, maybe a week and then I fall back into the same behavior.
I have been looking or an aha-moment like this.
Thanks so much for this video. Now i have a name to what the problem most likely is and
I can start to work on saving my marriage with the woman i truly love
You've done it, Nicolaus! Awareness is the BIGGEST part of the battle, because you can't fix what you can't see. Now that you've seen it, you'll never be able to un-see it. I suggest inviting your wife to watch this video with you and then go to Dr. Weiss' site to explore the resources he offers. Changing entrenched behaviors is a long process, and you really do need a support person on this journey. If possible, enlist the help of a therapist to find out where you learned to push away intimacy and deal with the fears that come up when your wife wants to be close. This is individual therapy, not couples counseling. Sometimes, to really open up, you need the safe space that a trusted therapist can create. Therapists have wonderful suggestions, they're great people to bounce ideas off from, and they're your cheerleader; they want you to succeed.
I mean but seriously why would someone want to do something like this to their spouse?? This shit is fucking childish!! And I am so over being treated like this!
I married this guy in 2002. I'm now 64. He has had his own bedroom since day one. I tried and tried to talk to him about it but he never did anything to fix things. He yelled and screamed the whole marriage. Now he is 68 and acts 80. I want to go. I have no drivers license and anxiety. So I feel very stuck. I want a life! He does nothing with me. I'm so worried about being alone, yet I hate the way I am living. I'm so alone.
Is there anyone who can help you, Melinda? Someone who can be your support person as you put together a plan to leave? I worry about you spending your "one wild and precious life" trapped in a situation that doesn't support you and doesn't create beautiful memories. I made a video a while back with some advice on leaving a toxic relationship - I don't know if it will be relevant to you, but it can get you thinking: czcams.com/video/2w4uHLz3YMI/video.html
He always says it’s not intentional that he withholds intimacy . Then makes me feel bad for wanting it and says I’m forcing him
That's fairly typical, Alberta. :( But relationships are built on intimacy. Should you feel bad for wanting emotional intimacy? Should HE feel bad for wanting physical intimacy? In a healthy relationship, the answer is no. Perhaps he can see that his desire to get close physically is just like your desire to get close emotionally. He would hate it if you made him feel bad for wanting to touch you.
Dr. Douglas you hit the nail on the head now that I think of it it started on out wedding night. Everything you said from when you mentioned “it happens as soon as we get married.14 years ago.
I just came to this realization a couple yesterday when I started searching on you tube for gaslighting spouses. I am one of those “good men” I’ve never strayed we have three kids I still to this day love her very much!! I’m a little more mad upset now knowing what I know now. How do I approach or reveal her. Or leave it and set boundaries. We also have 3 kids. 6 yr old son, 9 yr old daughter and 13 yr old daughter..
thank you for opening my eyes!!!
I'm 3 years in and I cannot see myself going 5 years muchless 20, 30 years down the line to wake up and to leave. This behavior affects me deeply and I refuse to spend my future begging for love, begging for attention, begging for communication, begging for intimacy etc.
What do you think you'll do? The first step is always to get support for yourself. If possible, find a really supportive therapist who can help you plan out the conversations you need to have with him. Think ahead and prepare for the implications of a divorce BEFORE you move forward. There's a lot of planning in leaving a 3-year marriage, and it's essential to have a sense of what you want to do beforehand. The other good thing about having a therapist is that you can vent all your emotion to her, leaving you cool-headed to deal with your partner. It may be that he will seek to change if you try a trial separation, but equally it may not.
I am so thankful you said fifteen years, we married in 2005 and because of covid and some other series things in my life and he moved into a home I had built I thought wow am I ever getting out of here. But I pray and have faith this is the last year I will not stay with this man he refuses Council. I don't believe I've ever heard anyone give a timeline I appreciated that. Thank you and thank you for your videos they are very insightful, and they are needed. Thank you God bless you and your family immensely your sister in Christ Barbara
I feel alone in this marriage. It is so painful. And my wife does not care on how I feel. When I tell her there is no emotion or empathy. You are right. I have tried to walk out and she does show up for a week and then checks out. I don't know what to do anymore. It has gotten to the point that I am depressed, and living in a perpetual rut.
I feel the same in my 10 months relationship. Male 48 here... I understand 100% how you feel. In my girlfriend's world she is seen by friends as so empathetic but the reality I see is not that. Although she is a nurse never took care of me when I had issues. She tells me a lot of big declarations of love and rarely backs it up. You feel unwanted and blamed for my needs. My needs are so easy...Also based on what she wanted at the beginning and now is something different. I've threatened to leave and told her to leave my apt at least 5 times already. My friends and family tell me to leave that I'm not happy. It's sad because they dr is right...the don't show up Completely. They not pursued part hurts to hear....I wander if she is narcissistic sometimes. I feel likeI'm being discarded and reeled back in like a fish. OMG the stabalizing discussion makes sense.
I feel like I have nowhere to run. He will watch TV 24/7 n when I talk about how empty I feel he acts like I'm attacking his character. We less than a month old in marriage I want out which brings shame in my family 💔.
Wow.. Omg so scary because this is me. Married and alone. The criticism, the negativity, the never being able to do right. The no love or the conditional love. The making everything my fault. Not praised, not pursued, this is so true. 12 years of this.
What are you going to do about it, Tisha? Because that's the hard part. After 12 years, it's hard to imagine that he'll change. The longer you're in that environment, where you're ground down and made to feel worse about yourself, the harder it is to remember who you once were. I hope you reach out to someone and get some support!
9 yrs of the same, back and forth🥺
Oh girl that is exactly mine I feel every tear drop I'm sorry I know it hurts
That is what I've been going through, 12years as well, I feel Iike I'm loosing myself and who i am gradually.
My self esteem is out the window.....I literally beg almost everyday for love.
Going on 7 years 😢
This is reality for me. When no one can see I weep/pray. These comments??? - ...they break me b/c "I know". I've been praying for each of you for the last few minutes reading what you said. Years of this... Learn all you can. I have learned so much in the last 6 months...still praying for restoration...about to set boundaries....praying/angry/done! ... pray for me too..... - Phil
My heart raced the whole interview ...I can’t believe Dr, Weiss was describing so many things I’ve gone through in my marriage...thank you for caring about sharing this message...I know the Lord led me to hear this tonight. Thank you so much. I has taken me almost 2 decades to understand why I have had to work so hard to get my husband’s attention...and why in the past when I am hurting he shows up for a day or two then disappears for long periods then he didn’t come to bed for a year and acted like it was normal and didn’t pursue me once that entire year...and he went back to looking at porn and my ptsd started up and since then it has gotten so bad...and I am so alone and hurting...please pray please..I have experienced so much hurt and pain and it has affected my health and my entire life as well. I am putting my trust in the Lord to help me
I am praying for you, Artistlove! We were not meant to go through life alone, without support or affection from the spouse we thought would be our rock. Please reach out for support. This situation won't change unless you take that first step. Take good care of yourself!
This is me I cry all the time in the shower. Not that it matters cause I am blamed totally for my off balanced emotions. I have communicated I feel sad everyday but he acts as if other things in my life is causing it. I am lonely and hurting. I was happy before but now I am a shell of myself amd I am losing everything. But I am inside watching it happen and can't move. Sitting waiting for him to love me like he used to.
Kimberly Williams love you and be strong
@@kkeepiitmmoving I’m praying for you right now! YOU ARE LOVED! Your feelings are real and healthy! They are telling you things so you can protect yourself and get safe….I have spent the majority of the past 9 months spending time with God and turning on worship songs and reading the word with God and pouring out my heart and worries and what I’m going through to God and he has brought me through the worst of it! I am now stronger and more secure in God’s love for me than 9 months ago when I wrote my comment above…and I owe it all to God in my life! The more time I spend with God the better things get for me! He really does work all things for the good ….and has strengthened me inside! I never gave up praying and worshiping God through the most painful times! Your life is special and you are loved and have purpose!! Never give up on God! He will bring you through it all and pour out love on you and in you in ways humans can’t! You’re in my prayers!
@@YourBrilliance thank you sooooooooooo much!! I held on tightly to God these past 9 months and God has done miracles and I am finally safe inside and believing God is my source and my strength! God even used the pain to strengthen my character and turned everything around for the good …I also see clearly now how much my husband has issues and it isn’t personal…I am praying for him. God loves us! His love has healed me! Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement!
32 years with an emotional non available man. It is torture. I don't have the guts to walk away..yet.
Hopefully you've got a few good friends to support you - and a life of your own apart from your marriage to sustain you - as you figure out what to do!
I'm crying right now. Hitting in my Hart hearing this, my life right now
hello if it's ok to ask did you start obsessing about his actions hoping everyday that he would touch you or pay attention to you?
@@kkeepiitmmoving ??
Well she??
Yes About 1 year of no sex was hard to deal with. And no touching. Was driving me nuts
This is so real
I am. I feel totally alone in my marriage.
If he does embrace me, he gives me only a side hug like he i hugging someone else's wife. He never kisses me or tells me he loves me. If I try to get my needs for affection met, then he hyperventilates and pulls away.
He was affectionate before we were married and when we were newly married. I have been 15 years married and I have been sexually abstinent for three years because of his problems.
I am so sorry, Megan! You deserve love and intimacy. Living without it is no life at all. I urge you to look into Dr. Weiss' resources. Perhaps your husband will want to change once he knows how his intimacy anorexia is affecting you. But perhaps he won't, and then you'll need help for yourself in deciding what to do next. Whatever you do, please don't live a life without affection and touch.
I hope you can sort this out sooner then later 15 years is a good marriage and for things to go wrong now would be such a shame for you I guess you must be feeling so rejected if he doesnt Give you any attention that's so unfair for you some times us men we wont open up and tell you what's wrong which is not right we all have a duty and your husband has 1 to you to tell you his concerns I hope every thing goes good soon for you
I know the side hug well. My ex used a dry sense of humor if I brought up anything personal or he just shut down. He never had anything to say. We were together 12 years. After the first couple years any intimacy was gone. Yet he did not want a divorce and was shocked when I walked in the bedroom where he slept with our dog and told him I was seeing a lawyer. He had no clue even though we had been in so much counseling. He never tried to talk about or make a grand gesture just worked on finding a place to live. Our divorce is final but its hard not knowing what was in his head like no real closure. I don't think we ever had an intimate conversation after marriage. I may have tried but he couldn't express anything. He never in 12 years initiated anything intimate.
@@paint_freckles That's the shocker, isn't it? That they can't even see that anything is wrong. Someone who's helped me understand what is going on inside a man's head is Dr. Jed Diamond, who tries to help women understand why men are so angry and disconnected. He's helped me see that men grow up being told that all they have to do is perform, that it's enough to bring home $$. Men are also told that they shouldn't share feelings because it's a weakness. No wonder they don't see what's wrong - they genuinely think they're doing what a man should. This article on Dr. Diamond's website might be interesting - menalive.com/who-stole-the-masculine-soul/
Yup. I knew the day we started changing. I can’t see how it is intentional. But. He also doesn’t act like he cares in public either. In fact, my family picks up on his distance.
I can absolutely relate to all those things. My husband I feel has some of these things. We have other more serious issues too but I love what I heard. I hope I can start healing.
I hope you can, too, Jackie! Someone else who really helped me understand the difficult position men are in when they hit middle age is Dr. Jed Diamond. I did an interview with him on Irritable Male Syndrome, but he also writes about male menopause and the difficulty men face finding meaning and a sense of identity in their older years. That interview might be enlightening, too! czcams.com/video/4pDq-j98Z9U/video.html
I am emotionally broken after 12years of marriage and its beginning to affect my health
Oh, Gloria! That's such a sign that you need support. Is there someone you can go to? When you're emotionally broken, it is so hard to get out of a marriage on your own. You need at least one person behind you who's going to offer you somewhere to stay, promise to be there for you emotionally, and keep you strong when you feel weak.
I'm sorry to hear that in the same boat
It is so sad, 11 years I’ve been trying so hard to be pretty, he’s totally describing what I’ve felt and it was a such a dark time I went through and then kept trying, now I’m trying to move on.
My song to him goes like this” You got me stealing your love away cause you never give it.peeling the years away,..and we can’t relive it”
I am going this exact problem with my wife,it is so frustrating oh my god,I wish I didn't married
Wish I had this 20 years ago!!!
He says it takes 10 to 15 years for spouses to see that no matter what they do, they can't change the dynamic. It's such a shame that so many women lose so many years of their life in a relationship with someone who can't fundamentally love them!
Me too - 20 years of this crap
“Functionship instead of a relationship”. Waohw. Yeah.
This is my life and I’m over it
Dr. Weiss nailed it...I have to be in pain before he loves me the way he knows I want to be loved. Every time.
Can totally relate to this 100 percent
Glad it helped, Tay!
I believe that the ratio is closer to 50/50.
This fully and completely explains my marriage of nearly 30 years. It’s a horrible place to live. I am in therapy but need much more help.
It's a long, slow process that unfortunately can feel like one step forward and two steps back. But without therapy it is much harder. So keep at it - you'll get there!
Wow I’m blown away! You described to a T what I’m going through.
Did not know it’s intentional! He wants angry mommy, he wants sad mommy, he wants critical mommy. So he doesn’t look like the problem
That's the secret! It's always made to look like you, like you're the problem. I think this works so well on us women because we've been trained to take responsibility for other people's emotions all our lives. It's the woman who's responsible for making the relationship work. The woman is responsible for making sure everyone is happy. Men have been let off the hook for a long, long time. That needs to change. The only way forward is for all of us to cultivate emotional intelligence skills like empathy, self-regulation, and conscious communication. Men can't outsource their emotional life to women anymore.
OMG! This is my life. I didn’t realize it was a thing. I thought it was just my husband and I couldn’t understand why! Now I know.
Do you think you'll be able to talk to your husband about it, Kimberly? The quiz on Dr. Weiss' website can be a good starting point.
I’ve been living like this for 26 years and I am very bitter and very angry I am experiencing PTSD everything. You said in all your videos even the money thing I get an allowance
What are you going to do, Bridget?
this has been my life for ten years
22 for me
So why do you stay
@@antoinelyons5323 I’ll let you research this answer yourself, as there are countless articles as to what goes into this dynamic. Anyways, I’ve been single for 5 months. Thanks in part to this video! Enjoy your internet victim blaming it seems like you’ve got a lot of good going on in your life!
Rejection really sucks I can only see one way out That's divorce
Sometimes that's what's best, Larry. And sometimes what's best is to face that pain directly and have an open and honest conversation about what needs to heal if the relationship is to move forward. Even just showing your partner the Intimacy Anorexia quiz (link in description box) can start a conversation.
@@YourBrilliance we've already had this discussions and she always points the blame at me. She's damaged she is molested by her stepdad when she was a teenager and it has had lasting effects on her and she didn't tell me till later in life but by that time I believe the damage has already been done and it's on repairable I don't love her anymore I do care but I don't love. I've been with her for 40 years can't deal with it no more.
@@larryrichins7887 Then it's time for the next conversation with her, which is how you can move on so both of you can have the love you deserve. When there's no love, there's no relationship. Caring for each other is not enough. There are plenty of videos on CZcams on "how to tell your spouse you want a divorce." Check out a few of them so you're prepared.
That’s exactly how my marriage went. It’s deeply painful. I thought I was the bad guy.
Mine did this after two years of dating!
I’m sad I’ve been watching this topic all night... 😓
I never thought I’d be in this situation ty great video
Going through this right now for a while ....
This morning I asked my husband for a hug and kiss and he walked into the kitchen and came back with food. He ate, went to sleep, and when I snap off I'm the bad guy.
I'm 7 months pregnant.
I'm so sorry!! :( Being pregnant makes you so vulnerable. That's why so many men act worse at this time... and it suggests how he'll act when you have a baby taking up most of your time. Do you have extra support you can lean on? Family, friends? You will need it!! Zawn Villines talks about what lack of love looks like, and in her list are: "They never take care of you. They never step in to offer extra support when you are suffering. They don’t take care of you after you give birth to their child." zawn.substack.com/p/signs-your-partner-doesnt-actually
That is hitting me straight in my gut…my heart hurts because that is my husband and I am so confused because I have done everything. Also we have children so I feel broken but love him so much. 10 years already….
It's not the end, Inna - there's hope. As Dr. Weiss explains, if he is willing, he can work with you. Sometimes men feel blamed for the way they are, which is why having a name for this can really help.
@@YourBrilliance Thank you, I am just lost in how to appropriately either ask him or do I dare? Its very painful and I am scared. I appreciate for this comment so much. I am being hopeful but I am loosing a fight is how I feel. I feel like I am the only one thats trying to save our marriage. I have been in counseling and mental health for 8 years, I go see her every 2 months. I am not a quiter and will continue on but how to go on sometimes I don’t know.
@@InnaBrooks-MagicCreations I'm so glad you have a support person! This is a question for your therapist. She knows you, she knows your situation, and she understands your relationship dynamics. You may want to see her more regularly, to work through what this new understanding means for your future. Can you see her once a week or every other week for a while? I also want to add that sometimes our future comes down to a choice: the choice to stick to an outdated ideal of what marriage demands of us... or the choice to choose ourselves. As women, we weren't told that we could choose ourselves. That might be something to talk to your therapist about!
@@YourBrilliance Thank you. We are financially not as stable to see her that often but maybe I can work out a monthly…appreciate all your help.
Inna Brooks hope things are getting better for you
yep... my wife described to the T. She absolutely hates praise or compliments from me, hates me telling her I love her, hates anniversaries, hates even a simple date to get some ice cream, hates just talking, hates me looking at her, doesnt miss me when I'm gone for a week, hates sitting by me on the couch, hates touch, hates kisses, won't pray w/me, sleeps w/her bra on fully clothed, hates holding hands, her love language is acts of service (except when its done by me). She is so fun and open and warm and loving to her friends & family & people at our church (makes me want to barf) I hate that it gravely affects our teenage kids right now. I cant even remember what she looks like naked. We're good friends and we don't fight. Just a little something to show that I'm cutting it as a husband and father would be nice once in a while. So glad I stumbled on this video.
If it's harming your kids, RenDrag, then it's time to talk honestly with your wife about where your marriage should go from here. Creating a healthy home for your kids where they see two parents who love each other is important, and if you can't do that then therapy is a good next step. Just be careful to avoid what the Gottmans call The Four Horsemen, which include contempt ("you make me sick") and criticism ("you always/you never"). Sometimes feeling hurt can make us act in ways that don't support our end goal.
@@YourBrilliance if she wont go to couseling, should i just go alone?
Absolutely! In fact, it can be better to go on your own at first. Sometimes couples counseling can backfire, because both people come in hoping that the therapist will validate their point of view and "make" the other person change. What's great about individual therapy is that (1) you feel safer - because it's just you and the therapist, and you can say things you could never say in front of your wife, and (2) you can explore deeper issues, like the way your past relationships or childhood experiences may have predisposed you to accept a relationship where love wasn't mutual. The goal of therapy is to give you the understanding and direction to take positive action. You cannot change another person, but you always have the power to make new choices.
50 years of this and hanging in there!
What do you hope for the next 5 years, Kathy? If you knew that he would never change, what would you do for yourself? What would make you look forward to life?
I 100% relate. I have gone the extra mile even to the point of jumping with enthusiasm to his needs. Once to the point of me getting fat lip for 3x in a row one morning. And absolutely zero affection or intimacy. Only for him to look up yoga in bikinis because he had accountability software on his phone to address his sex/porn addiction. It hurts that i practically dont exist. I have done many things to change. Going to the extreme ad to believe that i am somehow tocic for wanting such things as affection or intimacy like he showered on me in the beginning only to be told repeatedly that i just want to live in the honeymoon phase. I expected the honeymoon phase to slowly dissipate but i didnt expect it to suddenly die and then it cause a fight if i so much as attempt to schedule it. Im depressed. I ised to be very fot and did yoga regularly. Now im too drained to do the things i used to enjoy. I find myself slowly giving up as if why try if nothing works anyways. He spends all his money on what ever he wants. Knowing full well that gift giving is not my love language. I have tried. Relationship challenges for him to agree to doing and then by 3rd or 4th day in say this is stupid im not doing this. Which is what happens with just about everyting i layout in detail and ask for him to yo actively participate in. I told him i cannot live a life as a married woman with involuntary intimacy anorexia. i find myself daydreaming about true intimacy with imaginings of sitting quietly next to each other just touching in the slightest ways bringing stingung tears to my tear drained dry eyes. Everytime i bring it up and say i cant continue like this and request him to show up and put the effort into acting like he wants me as more than just a roommate and intimacy hostage. I say intimacy hostage because thats what it feeld like i cant get intimacy from anyone or anything even though he cant (just won't or actually refuses, I dont know which). Point being he expects loyalty and my personal values along with demi and sapiisexuality I feel like an intimacy hostage. He took a vow to love honor and cherish me so long ad we both shall live. And i dont feel either loved, honored or cherished.
I wish I could give you a hug right now! "Intimacy hostage" - that's such a great phrase. When you're in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, of course you dream about love and affection. But let me ask you this. How might your thinking be different if you accepted that he was never going to change? Imagine that a doctor has diagnosed him with an "affection deficit" - you're never going to get what you need from him. What would you do? Would you stay in the marriage and suffer? Would you go to your female friends for your support needs? Or would you think about life after this marriage?
I’m in great pain
Wish I heard this 19yrs ago,soo painful
How are you now, Joyce? Are you okay?
@@YourBrilliance no
@@joycemuthae2500 Is there somewhere you can go for support? For me it took a full year of counseling before I could see clearly what I needed to do. Without doing that work, I'm not sure I could have left. The pain and confusion was so great.
It’s been over 5 years for me! My husband has zero interest. I’m concerned that he has an addiction to porn on his phone. I was ok with the no sex/intamcy until the day I told him I deserved an answer why. I got a three page letter telling me that he has no interest sex because I have left myself go. I was fighting cancer and other serious illnesses. I feel like my world was just ripped out from under me.
Are you still with him, Tonya? If so, what do you think your future will look like in 5 years? Will you ever get the emotional nourishment and partnership you need from him? I can't tell you what you should do, but I can give you a little more information. Years ago, I spoke to p*rn addiction expert Joshua Shea on my show. He says that addicts make up excuses to enable their behavior. So it has nothing to do with "you letting yourself go" and everything to do with his addiction. This interview might shed some light: czcams.com/video/Na5WIVgS5ck/video.html
Last week, I spoke to Tiffany Yelverton, who helps cancer survivors fall in love with their bodies again and restore healthy touch and intimacy. This is something you can do on your own. She's got a great self-touch exercise which you can find in the show notes. czcams.com/video/KhH-hXqJvlA/video.html
Hope things are better
Oh my this is my young relative, she is a beautiful 20 something woman, newly married to a man in his 40s. They have only been together 2years and the man doesn’t have sex, give her compliments, physical affection, get her gifts for Christmas, anniversary, birthday…not even a card! For God sakes! How my heart breaks for her! I tell her to annul this marriage! That is not a marriage! The whole reason for a Christian marriage is to be able to have sexual relations ! She is so depressed, and as the person she comes to with her sorrow, since he goes silent when she tries to discuss it. I tell her to leave, God never intended for a wife to suffer in loneliness! Leave his celibate ass. This guy acted so different she said when they were dating! I feel for you ladies!
If you are married and live in separate houses then you are really alone.
Why do you think a couple would prefer to live apart but remain married, Clarence? Is it for financial/legal reasons?
It is not my choice and it is not for any financial or legal reason.
22 years of this and I’m at the point of not even wanting him to change, he provides, helpful and interacts with our family, supports me in my having to care for my elderly parents on occasion but it’s like a brother, friend, zero intimacy and I’m tired of feeling put down about my weight and criticism for who I am , like why is he even with me I’ve asked he says he loves me he loves that I have brought his family back to him and now our grandchildren love me I really don’t think he likes me as a person and I also think he is hung up on his ex wife ( polar opposite of me) who is happily married, our 22 years vs their 6 year relationship should outweigh this but he loves to bring her up as a story or joke “ oh you should’ve seen how crazy my ex was “ etc
I’m in therapy now for myself I am terrified of leaving
Is he open to talking about any of this, Andrea? Or is the topic of intimacy and the way you talk to each other off limits? It's so hard to broach any of this with men, because they feel that their masculinity is under attack. One sign you can look for is: does he like the idea of having a better relationship than everyone else? Or is he committed to keeping things exactly the way they are?
He refuses to acknowledge there is any problem, thinks therapy is pointless, stupid and besides he’s perfectly happy and I must be crazy to “look” for reasons to complain
@@Justanothermarie that means it's time to focus on you. How can you start building a protective layer around yourself? How can you start to create a life that's just for you? How would you do things differently if you knew that you'd no longer be together in 5 years?
If people only knew... Obesity is not yor destiny, you can easily fix it with the keto diet and change your life for good.
My wife, and I made a prenuptial agreement with each other to avoid these issues, if one or the other was behaving in a detrimental way it was up to the other to punish , call out, and rectify the others behaving badly. It could be as simple as communication, a good spanking, we are a bdsm couple, but whatever the problem was, it wasn't allowed to go on for long. We were married 40 years, until she died two years ago. 💔 I'm too old to start over, but maybe some young people will try our method.
The day after our wedding My husband did a 180 and flipped the script.. I really thought it was stress due to the wedding WOW, was I wrong...
How are things now? Do you think there's hope it will change?
I left my spouse 25 yrs ago after 9 yrs together, 2 of those married. I wanted love, desire, and connection and he was totally unwilling to connect physically or emotionally and would not talk about it. But I'VE then been an intimacy anorexic ever since. I just have not gotten past the fear of rejection, not wanting to ever feel as alone as I did in my marriage. I've gotten and stayed fat, I think to keep men at a distance. I lose weight, I get male attention, and I immediately start eating again. It is sad I've continued to starve myself from intimacy. I've kept myself in that painful place in order to feel safe.
I think there's a big difference between you and what Dr. Weiss is talking about! The intimacy anorexic, from what I understand, is someone who starves their spouse of intimacy in a marriage. When you are not married, and you are self-isolating due to fear of being harmed, then what you're dealing with are the very real effects of trauma. Of course you shy away from intimacy when you've been burned so badly. Of course it's hard for you to feel safe. If you want that to change, then it's time to work on your trauma. The best way to do that is to find an awesome therapist, but you can get started on your healing journey any way you like. You might read a book or try an alternative healer. Just do a search for "trauma healing" and see what comes up.
@@YourBrilliance I agree. Thank you. I’ve read hundreds of books, had a therapist,done all kinds of alternative healing modalities. Heck, I even did a 500 mile spiritual pilgrimage on foot. So I’ve definitely put in the work. But what I haven’t done is made it past the rejections of other men. Each time I start putting myself out there, I’ve faced a combination of attention for men that I’m not interested in who are quite persistent, and men who I connect with, but eventually who rejected me. So then I isolate again. I do keep peeling the layers and I still have hope and I’ll make it out of the cycle and get back to open hearted connection without the unhealthy fear.
A 500-mile spiritual pilgrimage on foot? It wasn't the Camino de Santiago, was it? I'm so jealous! I've dreamed about doing something like that. I wonder if you could try something different with dating. For a certain amount of time - you choose - swear off trying to get a relationship. If a guy wants more from you, you'll have to turn him down. Now that you cannot have a relationship by CHOICE, I want you to go out on dates with two goals: (1) get to know this person better, and (2) find little moments of pleasure in this experience. It will actually be easier for you if he doesn't call you again, because you won't have to turn him down. Now all you're going to have is one date and one date only with each guy. Can you make the most of it? How does it feel knowing that you probably won't see him again? Does it take the pressure off? Try it and see!
If I take treatment, will that help my relationshio with him? Will I have to remain like this forever with him?
From what I understand, Fabitha, he has to want to get help. Unless he can take ownership of his behavior and recognize the need for change, the relationship will remain as it is. All that can be done is to strengthen you and help you develop a solid sense of self so that you can better decide what you want to do next.
So what's the end result what should we do to fix this..
Check out Dr. Weiss' resources (I listed them in the description box). You can try sharing the quiz with your partner and see if it opens up a discussion.
If someone could come up with a cure for snoring once and for all, it would be a billion dollar industry.
Goes both ways
What you describe sounds more like an emotionally starved or abusive relationship?
It comes down to whether withholding affection is a form of emotional abuse. I think some people would say it is, while other people would say it isn't. Regardless, it's an unhealthy relationship dynamic that's so damaging. Staying in a relationship like that can crush your soul, so it's important to get help and figure out what to do.
Mine was a porn addict but I get the blame for him feeling alone in our relationship. He can't see that it was him that was checked out.
The only allowed intimacy was sex.
Dr. Weiss has a lot of great information on porn addiction. That was how he developed the theory around intimacy anorexia - it was from his work with sex addicts. For him, it's all entwined.
He has to take ownership for the porn it can’t replace a real person
What do you say about marriages in which the couple live thousands of miles apart geographically and have almost no communication?
It's not a marriage?
He's has beat me down so much and saying I will be alone and I will a die a lonely old lady and I don't care about that I just want to be free and heal
You deserve so much freedom and healing. Here's a secret: single men tend to be lonely as they age, but not women. Women get together and have crazy fun friendships. They support each other. They lean on each other. They're there for each other. Other women will be there for you, don't worry.
What if I checked out. Tired of trying feels like a roommate after 14 years together, he’s a good person but I feel we drifted, I don’t care to txt back or even have conversations or letting him kiss me nor do I care for sex.
The real question is what you want, Maria. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as roommates? Do you want to try to rejuvenate your relationship and get your spark back? Or do you want to be free to create a new life on your own terms? You need to make a choice sooner rather than later.
How do i leave. I can't change a person into loving me💔 it won't ever feel okay 😢😢. I believe he grew up with neglect.
I don't know if this will help, but a while back I spoke to therapist Rebecca Chapman about how childhood emotional neglect affects men. czcams.com/video/sSW6F5dcwkE/video.html If he is open to the idea that his current difficulties may be due to past trauma, then there's hope!
My wife thinks this is me , but the distinction of attitudes is my wife too , this is crazy
And there are some things that make sense that is me but other characteristics clearly not , confusing
What I'm hearing is that both of you are trying to ascertain what's yours and what you can blame on the other person. How about a different way of thinking about it? If you're both feeling this way, why not just accept that as a given and decide what you're going to do about it? What's keeping you together when both of you feel so alone?
I humbly ask this question, Dr Wise wrote 30 books on marriage, and why couldn't he salvage his own marriage? I cannot imagine that Lisa was that terrible that he couldn't cross the bridge and come to her island and win her heart ❤️. It takes sincere humility , I know.. Just saying !
I lost my personality being with my husband. I am a whole new person and I dont like her. I am lonely and sad. Every friend I try to get he hates them and don't want them around. He doesn't like anyone to show up and hang out with me. If someone comes to visit me Im nervous the hole time he is mad. I try to talk to him about anything. I dont have a life because its so controlled by him so all I have to talk about is my family. Anytime I mention my family because thats all I have to talk about he starts arguments about how he doesn't like them or how they have done me wrong. I feel I cannot talk unles its about something that pleases him. Yes I do tend to my childrenbut they stay on the games and so I am all alone.
My heart goes out to you! I remember having feelings like that. I went into the relationship as a strong, confident woman... and I came out feeling tired and broken. When a relationship destroys your sense of self, that's a sign it's toxic. It will keep destroying you... unless you leave. And I know that, for us as women, leaving doesn't feel like an option. But perhaps now might be a good time to educate yourself on what's really going on in your marriage. This playlist collects the videos I've done on toxic relationships - maybe some of them might help you get started. czcams.com/play/PLu7hy9DJoWTP9N0F1ctssk9Y7NyphkGlF.html
It's long since you highlighted this but I need real help
Julia, did you see the Resources section below the video? I included lots of links to Dr. Weiss's books and programs and quizzes.
I feel alone all the time I get yelled at told be quiet he’s watching the new , he won’t have sexual won’t hug me
There's another video I'd like to suggest you watch, Cathy. This is my interview with Patricia Evans, and I wonder if it might shed some light on the situation you're in. czcams.com/video/-gxUex9sb5k/video.html
That sad hope you getting
All the husband needs to overhear the wifes discussion with her friend totally disrespecting the husband. A few times of that and talking him down in a public setting and he will evaporate. It will be almost impossible for the wife to regain his trust. He may help you etc. but the love he had for the wife is gone. Dont say that the wife does not know, she knows. It is business womans pride that is the obstacle.
Why are you only saying He?
Because Your Brilliance is a channel specifically for women. If you want Dr. Weiss' advice for men, you can go to his website at intimacyanorexia.com/
My ex did this and I left. Now, bf of 2 yrs is doing this and POSSIBLY watching porn. So done with men!!!
Is this just relationships with narcissists?
That's a great question, brightpage! For Dr. Weiss, this isn't about narcissism at all. It's about intimacy anorexia, which he treats using an addictions model. This article by Healthline evaluates the concept of intimacy anorexia from a mental health perspective: www.healthline.com/health/relationships/intimacy-anorexia
What about if the bloke is suffering a partner who has this???
Hi, Patrick! Yes, this particular interview was oriented to women because that's the target audience for my channel, but Dr. Weiss' work is 100% for both genders, as you can see on his website. Have you taken the quiz? yourbrilliance.org/intimacy
What’s the different with a narcissist?
Dr. Doug Weiss explains the distinction between narcissism and intimacy anorexia here: czcams.com/video/XEraBrw1Oxk/video.html
If a man does not purse his wife anymore. Perhaps there is some behaviour that the woman is doing or not making him loose interest.
Used to be him but now im withdrawing.
It's natural to pull back when the person you love won't come close to you. If they are avoid intimacy every time you seek to get closer, then they're training you. You learn there's no point in even trying anymore.
This is me but I cannot see myself continuing this much longer because it's depressing, it stirs up feelings of rejection, resentment etc and that takes an emotional toll. I can't deal with that
@@breadbutter4221 do you have a plan? If your relationship is harming your mental health, then chances are it's harming your physical health in ways you can't see. (I explain in this video: czcams.com/video/RRKidDUjC9A/video.html)
@@YourBrilliance I do have a plan. I'm putting a few ducks (if not all) in a row and then I'm out. It's not in me to force an issue. He doesn't want to talk, I keep trying and the issues are the same, so I just become silent and it drives me nuts. I went on a vacation without him to clear my head and plan my way forward. However, I fear my impulsive nature upon my return home.
@@breadbutter4221 that time by yourself to clear your head is so important! Do you have support people? Make sure you've got lots of love from your family/friends/community and folks who will remind you why you're doing what you're doing - as well as tell you those truths you may not want to hear.
Hell of a business 🥴
Why is it only He? Not she?
This is a channel for women. If you'd like Dr. Weiss' advice for men, you'll need to check out his site.
This is just one long add
Great video; Waaay too long though. Get it down to 7 mins if you want bigger audience. At 65+ The options, for me, seem to be "waiting for rigor mortis." Poor wife was an only child and she has what appear to be physical injuries she can't explain. I'm left with surrogate intimacy via porn. Financial partnership is all that's left. I chose spouse from a practical point of view. Was trying to rescue my family from the shame of a, play-pretend to be gay sibling. The level of dysfunction sibling caused by playing this shame daddy game was multigenerational disasterous. The rescuing effort, on my part, was a stupid decision.
The question is, what will you do now? Because if there's one message from Dr. Weiss, it's that you can't sit on your hands and expect anything to change. Check out some of his resources. Have a tough conversation. Use your insight into your situation to take action.
Not long enough, only scratches the surface.
@@southerngal9374 I can see that too. I'm in a weakened state so I may not be a good judge. I'm being prejudiced that old people have lost their patience.
Do you ever address with men that their wives cannot consent to sex with them when they have gone outside of the married. Do you tell them how yes is no longer implied . A woman cannot consent when she doesn't know what she is consenting to.
You're right, Leticia - just because you're married doesn't mean that he has a right to your body. A lack of physical intimacy is often a sign of a lack of overall intimacy in a marriage, and that's what needs work first.
😘
why is it always assumed that only women feel this way ???
Dr. Doug Weiss offers gender-neutral information on his website. You can find that link in the description. He is speaking here to women because Your Brilliance is a channel for women.
We have to stop with the him or her and say them. Both men and women are neglected in a relationship.
Don't really like the way this lady describes this as a gender issue it goes both ways
This interview is for the audience at Your Brilliance, women who want to live their most brilliant life. Dr. Doug also gives interviews for audiences that include both genders, where he approaches the topic differently. You can find those on his website.
.... and some men... 😀 I do think the majority are men.
He ? What about She? - let's just call it gender neutral and say Spouse.
Because Dr. Weiss did this interview specifically for my audience of women. If you'd like Dr. Weiss' advice for men, you'll need to check out his site.
Dr. Douglas you hit the nail on the head now that I think of it it started on out wedding night. Everything you said from when you mentioned “it happens as soon as we get married.14 years ago.
I just came to this realization a couple yesterday when I started searching on you tube for gaslighting spouses. I am one of those “good men” I’ve never strayed we have three kids I still to this day love her very much!! I’m a little more mad upset now knowing what I know now. How do I approach or reveal her. Or leave it and set boundaries. We also have 3 kids. 6 yr old son, 9 yr old daughter and 13 yr old daughter..
thank you for opening my eyes!!!
I feel you. Having kids makes it so much harder... But I can't live like that anymore.