Why Scapegoat Survivors May Seek Those Who Are Unavailable
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- čas přidán 8. 09. 2024
- Knowing the truth about your strength is a critical step in healing from narcissistic abuse.
If you’re ready to learn more…
If you want to learn more about what it’s like being a scapegoated child, why it wasn’t the their fault, and start your healing process today, check out the links below:
👉 FREE copy of my eBook, “Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat” lp.jreidtherap...
👉 A Map to Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse lp.jreidtherap...
👉 7 Self-Care Tools for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse lp.jreidtherap...
That's why I remind myself that when my parent told me "I don't need to take an interest in your life", it broke the spell. It's sounds exaggerated, but from that moment on I understood what was behind the neglect. I no longer needed to believe that there were extenuating circumstances why my parent couldn't give me the attention I needed. It was explained to me quite simply as a choice my parent made. I could then really stop believing that there was a good parent hidden inside. Sometimes when my parent tells me they love me, I still want to believe that they do in their own way. The hardest thing of all is knowing they cant love only use you.
I can relate. Even tho we finally get it logically, feeling and believing it is on another level. It's easy to slip back without reminders.
I wish mine had told me that, but instead she always maintained the facade, which was far more damaging. If I’d known she didn’t care I could’ve adapted much earlier.
@@Jonathan-mt9up Mine maintained the facade as well. It wasn't until I understood what narcissistic parenting was that what she told me just summed it all up well. When I was a kid, she used to tell me that she gave me food, shelter and clothing, and that's all that was required of a parent. I bought that argument hook, line and sinker, therefore, I thought I really was ungrateful and my parent never harmed me in anyway. I was a well trained little scapegoat
I am grappling with this right now. I know it's a mask, a lie that I was led to believe, and my mom has been very strict to her mask after a recent incident. I have projected my own capacity for decency and self awareness onto others in the past. I am waking up to how much I had projected onto her, to fill in the blanks.
I had a chance on my father's death bed _ to ask my abusive father (psychopaths-torturing me from birth)
Why did u do what you did to me?
He said," I knew u could handle it"
Well, that's why I can remember conversations from when I was 3 - cause I had too_ in order to survive being thrown out of a moving car and finding my way back home_ he knew I was smart enough to figure it out. And I hope I can figure this trauma flash back after flash back every day abuse _ cracked open baby trauma is no picnic in the park.
I’ve learned to love and cherish solitude. Only God can really love and heal us deep within.
Kind friends help too. I send you warm wishes
@@martialmusic 🥰 God bless you 🌹
I have always felt this yearning for unavailable people with friendships, family members, romantic partners. But as I entered the process of healing, I have lost interest in these people and today they are repelling to me. Thank you Dr. Jay Reid! I am reading your book about scapegoat survivors and I can say that this is the most important book of my life!
This was three out of four of my past relationships. It was like I was magnetically attracted to people who were completely emotionally unavailable.
Now I realize that it was me still trying to earn love...like I had to do living under my narcissistic mother's tyranny.
Thank goodness I've broken that awful spell but it is such an awful vestige of a toxic legacy.
Trying to "earn" love. If I can change, do * more, or don't do* much, maybe they will love me!! That's been my extreme people pleasing manner forever. Didn't work with Mom, or other crappy people who seemed to despise me at jobs, church, etc. I'm trying to learn I am enough and don't need to put others before me continually. It's so hard standing tall,and set boundaries, expect respect, when all I did before was beg, and be a doormat to stomp on and crush. I had to learn if they don't want to give it I will never be able to earn it!
Whenever I see a news story about some teenager unaliving their picture perfect parents, I always suspect it was extreme covert narcissistic abuse
Unaliving?
Describes me. I have watched myself attaching to unavailable men. Who take, uninterested in me. Trying to gain approval and love where there is none.
Coming from a history of emotional neglect coupled with a belief you have to earn what you need and praised self sufficiency, it set me up for a string of narcissistic relationships. Since the last one I decided to stay alone and put myself first. It’s been almost 3 years now and life is getting so good! These videos on narcissism were critical to understanding what happened. Now I can accept myself the way I am and be responsible for my own feelings. Thanks so much for your wisdom and sharing it!
I hear you ❤
I have hoped for 20 years for my parents to change. My father did apologise occassionally, but still kept the same patterns. My mother, after constant abuse, has never apologised, but still expects my obedience and I am close to 50. I was on a ton of medication and had multiple medical breakdowns. My psych did not realise I was suffering from abuse, and just treated my mental conditions. But leaving the narcissistic circles has powerfully let me recover. I have cut my family off. It is the only way. My mother is so hyper aggressive that noone can look her in the face. She seems to burn other people's eyes out. We have had supper where she would not speak, and where she would not even look at me. For no reason, I was just visiting. The one time I invited her for a special supper - good meat, in wine, nice herbs, etc. She came and ate and left. I hoped to start an adult friendship. The only she said the whole night is "it was good". That is all. In two hours. I didn't understand. The only hugs she gave me was when she needed comfort. About five in my entire life. My mom has had a hard life, but she has persisted in extreme cruelty as well.
You did good to move on. You deserve affection and respect as much as anyone. I can’t send affection because that would sound insincere but I send yiu my respect.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Go where you're appreciated. Sending you understanding ❤
Learning in depth about attachment styles helped me immensely; I was able to accept that my mom's attachment style was the same across the board; all of her relationships are shallow and unsatisfying. She lies to everyone, doesn't let anyone too close. The other relationships she had only seemed deep when I was younger because she was triangulating me with them, and wanted me to believe that she was withholding something that she was capable of (approval/acceptance). My mom is cold, too. It took me decades to accept that her avoidant attachment style was not my fault. It didn't matter what I did or who I was, she would have treated me the same as she does everyone else. My situation, living with her for so many years as a child and then as an adult, simply made it easier for her to "handle" me.
My sister is her best friend and has no friends of her own. My brother moved hours away.
Keep moving on. Baby steps. Cruelty like that never ever changes. Father’s apology is like lip service. I know the set up very well. I know those eyes. In my case she lived until 95. Don’t let anyone talk you out of the extreme measures you need take for basic psychological safety. It is nowhere near self care, it’s imperative for survival with any level of manageable mental health. You have made marvellous gains. Thank God you discovered Dr Jay Reid and this space. His book I have. Also there are some very unhealthy people working as therapists etc, so here you can get a clear picture of what your life needs. Sadly some of this will be lonely, but that is the price of dignity. And we totally deserve to life very ordinary quiet lives.
I've noticed this tendency in myself and others who came from abusive childhoods. In college, I fell hard for someone who only chased after women who made him jump through hoops. I wasn't the type to do that and was relegated to being his confidante as he told me about the women he sought after like holy grails. It wasn't until years later that I realized I'd been doing the same thing with him, chasing after him like he was the holy grail. We both had that trait in common and it came from not being protected or loved as children. We sought out the ideal without realizing the ideal didn't exist except as a child's wish in our minds. I've moved on and studied npd and am in the process of healing. I hope the same for him. And everyone here on this channel. Befriending yourself and the truth about your life is a good place to start.
thanks for sharing. something about your story really hit home for me. "befriending yourself and the truth about your life is a good place to start."
@@sabariel33-n1t Power to you.
Leaving home is the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Depends on if you’re leaving “home”. I do know what you mean tho being on your own is hard
I didn't leave. I came home one day and my mother locked me out of the house. I literally had to hole up in a motel and get an apartment...
I am so glad she's gone, forever.
No, I essentially escaped
@@pryncecharming2133 So sorry. I can't imagine how anyone could do that.
They try to reel us back in. Mine uses little rewards for me (the scapegoat) and bigger rewards for the golden child and her children. Cutting contact is the hardest thing to do, but I think you said that with “leaving home”.
Hi Jay, your videos have changed my life. You are helping me to drastically change my life. I grew up with a narcissist, verbally-abusive father. He is 84 and the exact same person he was 40 years ago. To separate mentally from my father has been the hardest part. I think about him frequently, and it keeps me depressed. I am so glad that I found your channel.
This hit me hard. 🙏
I definitely need to watch this! I'm always seeking for unavailable people, but I'm trying to learn how to let them go for my own good!
Same, it isn’t easy
@@deathuponusalll we got this!!! ❤️✨
My edits are always deleted: so new comment: I just put in as much as the other person. If someone isn't interested, there's nothing to be done. And that is fine. Yes I have been upset for a bit. Other problems are: gravitating to new narcissists to fill the gap; still having the negative traits from abuse and almost making narcisissts out of others who normally are not; and actually exhibiting my own narcisstic behaviours, though they are more patterns than intentions. And then recognising narcisstic behaviour quickly from others and gaining distance immediately. Having common interests is useful in having light interactions, while still leaving other person alone and letting them be their own person. I hate when I see patterns of control in my own speech.
I can relate to this. thank you for sharing.
the key for me is not being quick to move in or reproduce with someone until im mostly healed. just have fun, low-pressure relationships and work on yourself. so, it's the single life for me but that doesn't mean ill deprive myself.
A great analysis of the dynamics. It really explains why after such self absorbed parents many of us end up with narcissistic partners and friends. It is uncomfortable to start putting your own feelings first and then shedding unhealthy relationships but it is worth it! Thank you always Dr Jay and sending warm wishes to all other viewers. ❤
This all resonates with me. I'm at the tail-end of one of these friendships- one where my thoughts, experiences, and needs are quickly glossed over (actually not even responded to) so they can get back to telling me everything going on in their life. It took me a long time to become aware of it, which speaks to how normal that treatment was for me. Then, once I became aware, I went through phases of "Well, maybe I can fix it. They care about this friendship too." Nope. I couldn't fix it and they don't care that they aren't giving me anything back in the relationship. So I've been trying to do the slow fade (our kids are friends so it's tricky). Problem is, this person is like velcro and follows me into every new thing I do and every new friendship I try to enter. I literally have to keep secrets from them to try to find new friends 😅 So.... yeah. But what I can't get over is how long I put up with all if this. It makes me sad for my past self that I didn't recognize this behavior as a problem for years. Then I started noticing that if I spent time with this person I always left with a sick feeling in my stomach.
Damn, this man knows me better than myself 😰
He is a god send. These videos are life changing.
I think that sometimes scapegoats ALSO will subconsciously pick up on what behaviors may turn off the people around them (whether unavailable or not) and subconsciously behave the very ways that push the people around them away even when the behavior is not even close to how they usually behave. Has anyone else noticed this?
Example: oversharing and exposing vulnerable information to someone who has a history of gossiping and being judgmental.
Yes, their fears of neglect and abandonment cause them to self sabotage and fulfill their fears. It is a vicious cycle.
Yes, I’ve become aware of certain people who try to manipulate me into sharing information I don’t want to share.
Example: they’ll make a small insult that they know isn’t true to get the correct/wanted information/weapon.
The only creatures my family allowed to ever love me were the animals, & and not so much. But till today they have been the only one to really love me; the only ones available & the only ones capable.
Not the only ones capable; just the only ones available and identifiable.
As a scapegoat I now chase my adult son around hoping he'll love me back but I don't think it's going to happen despite my best efforts and generosity, compassion and love, I'm a absolutely heartbroken Mother 😢💔
I’m wondering if it would be better for you if you took that pain and feeling of powerlessness and turned it to yourself? How can you chase yourself, rather than chase people who seem to be the ‘runners’?
My narc mother did that with my sister and her kids (scapegoated me), and I feel like I’m chasing my nephew and niece, whereas we used to have mutual love and respect. Her money has stolen the people I love.
I have to be my own mom, now, and learn to love myself. We can do this.
@@tlc2741 I didn't say I was powerless because I'm not 💯 I am a desperate Mom who sees the abuse my son is living with under his landlord/employer/friend who is punching, hitting and burning my son and I am desperate to help him because I don't know what will happen if I don't help him
@@SuziQ. Yes we can and will do our best to be the loving parents we never had
Thank you Dr Jay. My NP has now died, and yes I have been carrying oversized need from my enabling parent (mother) who rejected me. For decades. I have recently been trying to connect with her but she refuses to hear what I’m saying and therefore just re-rejects me again.
After my abusive father died, it took years to realize that my mother was the orchestrator of the abuse, not just the enabler. Run while you can. I let her steal more than half my life. She “needed me” (she needed a scapegoat).
This hit home
Thank you, Jay.
14:38 It’s sad, but we see each other, and we can empathize with each other, and with your help, I think we can help each other heal.
Thank you so much for your videos!❤❤
Jay as always your work is remarkable and an arrow that hits the mark everytime. You describe the issues like no one else on this platform
I was ok on a friend front, but always dated unavailable.
I was ok on the dating front, but only encountered unavailable potential friends.
Thank goodness for this channel and others like it. I've been trying to find counselors (I don't like the word therapist 😅) who have this kind of specific knowledge about narcissistic abuse for more than 5 years. I'm having a difficult finding such counselors. I think this topic is becoming more widely studied in psychology with every passing year. I look forward to finding someone someday who can assist me beyond self-help.
I just have to mention that your dog is absolutely gorgeous ☺️
My ESA is a Jack Russell with a personality plus!!!!!
He makes my life complete 🥰🕊
Thanks for your healing videos,Jay❤️
Jay- at this stage, I’m kinda ground down.I think I kind of fought every good fight. Thanks for your continuing excellent work. I also want to say that very serious damage is done by the enabling parent. They can brain wash us.
I just had this realization yesterday. Thanks for explaining it so well.
Anther rich, informative video! Thanks, Jay!
Spent 10 years in Korea and literally everyone I met there was a “Kira.” They loved taking me out to eat to show off their native English speaker but it gave me the runs so it wasn’t something I looked forward to. Listening to them monologue trying to use obscure vocabulary, incorrectly no less, was even more tiresome when they wouldn’t even let me in edgewise to ask questions or attempt to clarify what they were trying to say. There were also countless layers of abusive behavior I don’t have time to describe all that here.
Concepts of need driven deprivation and feeling drawn to unavailable people.The danger of sharing what your needs are to others.I haven’t pondered this before,Thanks Jay 🙏for bringing awareness into these areas. Another very enriching video, Always appreciate your efforts. Have a wonderful weekend ✨🌈🌟
Unavailable people; the exciting other. Someone to become preoccupied with, to distract me from taking steps that would improve my life.
"The survivor is supposed to be happy just being around this person. They are NOT supposed to launch complaints about this person."
Oh I've dealt with this for sure. I very quickly learned i was NOT in an equal and mutual relationship. 😢
"unhooking from the quest to please the unavailable other." ❤
Survivor must accrue experiences of others caring about their feelings and needs.
"leaving home: the art of separating from a difficult family" book resource
I am so glad you can articulate this. You are explaining myself to myself and it is making sense for the first time.
You just described my entire life.
The dog is so chilled out.
Excellent presentation
Wow! Incredible analysis. I always like the mad and those on the outskirts. Now I know why. 👍
I have watched this video 3 times already.
I will continue to watch it.
I've noticed this dynamic in other areas of my life as well: In the way I relate in intimate relationships, and even the way I make money, my willingness to accept opportunities, take necessary risks, welcome change, etc.
As a scapegoat yes I suppose we are strong. But when healing we let go, to heal. This is irritating and so When do we stop feeling sorry for ourself?
This is great! Thanks so much!
Sweet doggo in the background :-) thank you Jay
Brilliant. Thank you 🙏
ThankU Great to hear this. I was taken with your phrase "...section off into the unconscious..." That is mystifying. The degree to which I do not know myself! I guess that's the point, wall off what hurts
I've realized that the rejecters, more often than not, are mean and disturbed anyways. Even the people they seem to "love" who I would want the rejecter to treat me like, dont have the things I am truly seeking. Thats because the rejecter never had it in the first place.
This is at once deeply rewarding and disturbing to watch. Rewarding, as it sums up most of my life so perfectly, and disturbing because, well, 15mins of this great content sum up my life perfectly. Also, what’s the dog’s name please, we need to know! 🙃🐶
Brizo, I believe. I have a sable GSD, too.
Omlord I can’t w this actually ‘actually causes more problems than what was there. Makin it up. No nurtcha
HSA. Really, that's cool. :-)
What is that?
Could someone recommend a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse who practices in Washington State. Thank you
Yes i totally see why the parent would become an exciting object. I see it in my life now in the fantasies thst arise when i consider a new romantic partner. Its very exciting, full of possibilities and hope and faith. But also, not grounded in anythign other than a lack of data allowing me ro extrapolate from my own. It tells me exactly what i want and need!!!!
Now getting those needs met is not a simple process. I dont see why ypu encourage us to get our needs met theough others. I do think relationships are great. I just disagree that they could ever be what i need. They are just a means to the end of knowing myself and loving myself more.
I think that if some of that neediness is taken off the table in my relationshiops, and i take responsibility for it, then my relationships are more pleasurable. Do you think thats a healthy mentality? Its like... I WOULD get all my needs met though others if that were at all feasible or practical, but i perceive that it is not. And ive known a lot of different kinds of people snd it makes no difference. Im all i want.
12:40
❤
💥💥💥💥
It is easy to ask a partner to meet our needs in the relationship if you have other options ready to replace that partner.
Gross
Easy, if you have no morals
This seems like a good video to make my comments seen ..
Jay , I called your office and left a voicemail.. I called from Australia.. seeking your assistance and request a call back . Or at least some response .
I told you I just wanted to know if you knew anyone here in Australia doing this work .
No response from you is disappointing and seems like a imbalance in your ethics .
Why would you feel entitled to his response? He's sharing on a public front - how many thousands of people could call, demanding personal attention? Look into it yourself.