I am going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage. 1 and 1/2 years ago, I got into my bed, crawled up in the fetal position, and asked God to help me. When I woke up, my iPad was on, and it was Dr. RAMINI! I had never heard of narcissistic abuse. She has literally saved my life! Thank you!
I'm one year out from a 32 year marriage. I'm rebuilding and doing self care. My body is still recovering from keeping the score for so long. I am in a better place but I realize that I am forever changed. Seek support from family, friends or professionals. Educate yourself on the red flags AND the green flags. Go slow and find a path that works toward your happiness.
Comoon, dont quit so easily😢 Go back to that healthy releationship and work things out. Narcist are really good listeners, they are calm, not use abusive language, never try to break you. This is becose they have hearth of gold and they allways, ALLWAYS value you more than they value themselves. In their life they see you more like position of lord. Ok guys, hopefully i made you understand that u are in good hands
@@susanharris3552yes, it changes our personality because in this relationship we lose ourselves. That's the worst thing to happen to anyone. Life was never easy with a narcissist. Unfortunate for me, that I had to deal with the whole family full of narcissists (my wife and her family members). No contact is the best solution to stay away from the narcissist. I too didn't know the word narcissist untiYl did a reverse engineering of what actually I went through. ChatGPT threw the word narcissist and I started reading more about them. I suffered much for 15 years. Female narcissists are the worst. She stole away everything!! Recently I started watching videos of Tim Fletcher & I think you too should. It will reveal why we got into such a relationship and also our weaknesses. I hope all of you heal and recover soon. God bless you 🙏. I too am healing, but I have come half way through. I surrendered to God and I think that's the best thing to do. 😊
I know exactly what you mean "Street angel, House devil" that's what that's called My dad is the same way People think he is the nicest person in the entire world, he's so cute. He's adorable. He's so funny. Then he gets home "speak F-ing English! I can't understand anything you say!"....... yeah so sweet
My narcissistic husband yelled at me that I had to take responsibility for our marriage problems. I said, “I married the wrong man.” He said, “I told you it’s your fault!”
Yep. Because it’s never about the subject matter at hand. Any disagreement is a mandate for them to assert dominance at any cost. One of the saddest things about being married to one is that you couldn’t safely talk about anything from a place of reality. Which makes intimacy impossible. No shared history, it’s all a malleable fantasy to suite their immediate needs. Which is typically dominance and superiority.
You got it. Husband's mom a covert narcissist always blame shifts and hates I don't have a job of her choosing. She can't brag in her eyes about me cuz I'm a hostess . I've been in the restaurant work since I was 19
I hope you found peace. I'm just now coming into rational acceptance of my new reality of 29 years of marriage, and the binders have revealed, I'm living with a narcissist.
Kind of.. but my covert ex was a careful planner and plotter, much more so than many of the overts. He might have been closer to a psycopath, but his talent at sneakiness was unmatched by any other narcissists I have met. I have found coverts to be the most dangerous type by FAR because they operate in ways that always leave room for plausible deniability. He was plotting my murder in a way he would never be caught. And he had AWESOME social skills. He just started on the low rung of society so he had trouble catching lots of "big fish" to get enough supply to confidently become overt in his methods.
I became addicted to the emotional roller-coaster of being yelled at for no cold drinks in the fridge, waking him up late for work would have him having a tantrum(an example), and the apology meal, 2 yrs separated after 30yrs together....i still get like flash backs.
A narc will have you crazy! I dealt with one a year and omg I’m so glad I’m out of that mess. It’s so sad they can’t see something wrong with themselves and try to fix it. If you’re dealing with this kind of person I’m telling you to get out, a waste of your time!!!
Yes I was blinded too. I thought I was crazy. I kept praying to God to help me be a better wife. Every day my husband always complained he was unhappy with me and I need to work my character flaws. I stayed stressed trying to do the right thing and not upset him. I walked on egg shells. Then one I couldn’t stop crying for a month and walked out of a 7 year marriage. I am in the middle of a divorce. I found one of the Doctors videos on signs your dealing with a narcissist. I was set free. I chose no contact. He has done everything the videos said he would do from love bombing, telling friends how bad I’ve done him, hovering, self pity, guilt and call him back it is very very important. I have not responded because it is all lies. He has even apologized to me numerous of times that he now see what he was doing to me in our marriage. Lies upon lies. In seven years of marriage now he see the error of his ways. I am not buying it.
I react internally as if I have a severe allergy/rash when I am around a narcissist for very long. Agitated, uncomfortable, volitile, anxious, angry. It can feel like I am getting upset for NO reason, but if I then remove myself and revisit the interaction in my mind review, then suddenly the subtle signs show up. If my body didn't react, I would miss all the hidden covert ones.
@ChristianOne exactly I know exactly the feelings. I get anxious sick can't eat have to go to bathroom stomach feel like I want to run . Then anger overflows
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
"Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. " Makes sense now why my father would always call me his "mini-me," and I would always get he abuse. But the abuse was enacted on because of mom, not because of him, so.....
My husband of 23 yrs is so crazy especially when drinking. Everything is my fault literally. I have learned to put my head phones on at night and ignore his ass. I have taught my girls to fight back because he doesn't fight them verbally like he does me. I want my girls to be strong and have a voice. It is just a shitty situation all around.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
They blame you and end up saying “”you’re toxic and miserable”” I had a lady say this too me! She was projecting all sorts of crap on me. None of it’s true of coarse! I was wondering what was going on, so I looked up the covert narcissistic in woman and found “”this is their goal to do this.
@@larrykelly-kf5ppme??? I absolutely am not, what she was doing is called “projection” I’m completely fine. They’re the ones that are toxic and miserable! You’ve never dealt with a narcissists have you? They’ll blame you for everything and try to bring you down.
Dr Ramani literally saved me, she is very correct. I tried so hard and I escaped my very violent malignant narcissist ex boyfriend. Complete stranger were nicer to me than my ex boyfriend. I could not even get dropped off at the hospital. Grey rock.
I’ve noticed the vulnerable is super super hard to detect but once you mentioned circumstances flipping it to grandiose in either direction shewww lightbulb!!!
It seems like you are always feeling hurt..Never Good Enough, Never. Don't defend, don't engage, don't Explain and don't personalize. They won't listen. I'm tired of saying " you don't listen"
I thought I met a really nice person, but slowly, but surely I saw all these traits you have mentioned. And this happened after I’ve been studying for quite a while about toxic people. Some people are so convincing in the beginning. I think the only answer is time, you gotta give it time to see who someone really is. I have to say I was so shocked when he started interrupting me and then when he didn’t seem to wanna know anything about me, it’s just like you said. I told him the only thing I can talk to you about are food, sex, and the weather. At first, I felt so safe and nurtured. Now I wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
After about 35 years of some kind of counselling or therapy I have given up. I even tried restarting it last year but it was even worse. You're right, not many mental health professionals are well versed in narcissistic abuse. It is much cleaner and efficient for them to misdiagnosis you for something else for the sake of medical coding and billing, or just plain assume you are lying to them about everything. I am disabled so I can't work enough to pay for a therapist familiar with narc abuse I my area and my main narcissist has devastated me financially of what I had left, and I don't believe he is even done with that! The only useful information and advice I can afford is from CZcams videos like this one from Dr. Ramani and others. Did I also mention my narcissist is a stalker? The police around here won't take me seriously enough. They have bigger fish to fry like school shootings, homicides, swatting, kidnappings and car chases anyway. I'm convinced they would sooner have me leave town than to have to do any paperwork or real investigating on my behalf.
Also when it comes. To trying to make friends with other women. I wanted so much to believe in the sisterhood that I did not recognize the toxic narc. She presented such a nice public persona that it was hard to see through to the devil inside that she was hiding.
I've met more than my share of women like that. It's to the point where I dislike my gender for how bad some are while griping about how lousy men are. It makes me sad to see traits that involve conniving, manipulative lying, competitiveness and endless sniping among overempowered women who've gone from assertive to aggressive to domineering in just the last few generations. This is not at all what first wave feminists had in mind for women to become---each other's enemies. I've deliberately avoided forming friendships with other women because of so much cattiness that continues well past 40. I have an over friendly neighbor who struck me as too outgoing, too eager to be a helpful pal, plus I was also forewarned by her former tenant. I was correct in keeping my distance because of a few things I've since learned about her conduct. It's disheartening because women's friendships are not supposed to be like this. We should be able trust and support each other.
another thing to watch for is unnecessary or unwanted cooperation or a relationship they try to create...i.e. helping you with something when you don't need it over and over again, emphasizing doing something together that you would have been fine just doing yourself, and so on... anything to create "emotional currency" between you, which they subsequently use to hold over your head if you don't want to do something. "all this time I helped you and this is how you repay me" ...resist these annoying people and don't let them squat in your emotional real estate.
When you're the child of a narcissist (or narcissists), the damage is done very early on, before you have any idea what is happening, and can't get away.
The Communal Narcissist is my MIL! She is a doctor in psychiatric nursing. she is screwing sick people over daily. but telling herself she is saving them. it is terrifying the damage she is doing.
Pay attention to this and if there is ever a reportable offense I hope you will let someone know what is going on and spare some vulnerable people from this predator.
Then maybe you should realise that looking for narcissists everywhere is about not wanting to blame yourself. There is a huge market in this atm, because no one wants to believe they're the problem. Easier to label your partner a narcissist and blame them for everything. Something Narcissists are blamed for doing. See how silly it is?
Thank you for this! I married a Malignant/Vulnerable Narcissist for 13 yrs. It was awful, because in addition to his horrible anger, he'd fly into rages - he'd take to his bed for days - literally, lay in bed. Nothing I did mattered. He wanted to control my hair color-body tattoos (psssst: no one could see any of them - anyway). I couldn't pick out furniture. Divorce was threatened every other week & I never had security, although $ was not his problem. I was so stupid I gave up my own home, my career & married him. I had terrible health & was at a specialist's office every week. I was on Valium. I finally got out: my good friend is an Evidential Medium. She told me I'd be dead within 6 months if I stayed. Previously, she gave me profound info about myself that no one would know. I totally trusted her. My horrible headaches went away the MINUTE my Atty. filed the D. papers. The MINUTE.
The self righteous narc voice Dr Ramani puts on is so real…I can just imagine someone speaking down to another this way and it makes my blood boil…the voice screams total lack of sensitivity…it’s too much….I can’t handle these types…
It really worries me that I have the genes for being a narcissist. My father was a grandiose narcissist, even the light-switches in his house had to be brass plated. My mother was an extremely malicious malignant narcissist, who repeatedly beat me unconcious. I literally barely survived my childhood. But having their genes means I might be like them. My mother did the dark eye thing when she beat me up, which just made it all the more frightening. It was like being beaten-up by a robot, because she did not respond to my cries of pain, my pleas for mercy, my attempts to reason with her, in the slightest. There was no human being there to plead with or reason with. It did something to me. Made me feel I was less than human. My mothers inability to respond somehow made me less than human. Unfortunately this has somehow attracted other narcissists into my life, seemingly even at times when I did not have any choice of the person concerned, such as practitioners in the national health service. It worries me that my mother had the ability to control her eye pupil size, which my doctors tell me is not a human characteristic. Say this is due to an alleulle on a gene which gets switched on by a virus or something? Since I was about six I have been terrified of the idea that I might somehow be like my mother. I am terrified now.
I don't believe there's a thing as "Genes" for narcissism. It's all about "environment," because the environment you grow up in, is what you will repeat. It's the "Generational Cycle of Abuse." One of the only ways to break it is by going no-contact and owrking on yourself.
This sounds like it must have been extremely traumatizing for you 😢 I'm so very sorry. If you have a Bible, you can read about the Pharisees as they were narcissists.
My mother hit the check boxes for vulnerable narcissist; my ex- husband hit the check boxes for a malignant narcissist. Last boyfriend hit the vulnerable checkboxes. I decided I am a magnet for narcissism, and have embraced my independence and single hood. I'm more than willing to donate my "share" to everyone else.
I have been the victim over and over again of narcissistic men. The takeaway is I need help to recognize this immediately but they are good actors so how to I stay away. This far isolation has been my answer. As far as the narcissist, some have no excuse and some were abused themselves so I feel sorry for them and they need help but I cannot allow myself to be abused by them either.
Dr. Ramani is amazing! I have been listing to her for years and have her books! She blew me away right now!!! I love how realistic she is emphasizing real on the ground human aspects of this relationship dynamic! The conversation about showing up as your whole self GOT me! Buy her books !!!!!!!!
Oh I so agree with Dr Ramani - therapists don't seem to be trained in this and that is dangerous - I tried therapy for myself and no one came up with narcissism which is what he had and was causing me so much distress. Now I am out of it I see it through Dr Ramani's help on CZcams I worked him out and was so shocked when I recognised the behaviour. It was awful - the worst an now I know it is fine but people need to know as it is so damaging.
Family needs to stop romanticizing being a family. Blood is thicker than water. No that's a toxic phrase. It's painful walking away from all your family. It's weird, but toxic families have this cult following feeling. Mom and dad have this God syndrome and we the children are there to worship and follow without questions. Children are not allowed to feel, talk, or question anything in the family dynamic. When you become an adult you sense something is not right. You will become more aware once you start working on your inner self. My advice is take some time away from your family. Do an assessment make sure this is not in your head. You will have a moment of clarity and that's when you make a decision. Maybe walk away from some members or perhaps leave all of them behind. It takes years for you to leave. But when you do, don't look back.
I was married to a charming, powerful malignant narcissist for 26 years… 32 years if you count the 6 years he drug out the divorce to ensure I got nothing. Brutal! That was 17 years ago. Had to see him for the first time last weekend at our daughters wedding. It was like I was walking through a minefield for 3 days. I shut down all emotions to survive. It’s hard to find balance for those dreaded interactions. 😓
After decades, some 40+ years together- there has finally been a window to share Dr Ramini’s wisdom with a beloved family member. Holding hope that maybe there will be enough for him to trust that life outside is better, despite the cost to exit. ❤
This school teacher convinced me she loved children so I let my boy go to her class. It was horrible for my son, so I had guilt being fooled by this "communal" narcissist. At the end of the year, at the picnic, She commented to me that she saw me talking to a friend..."You're always talking!" And I said, "I got friends", somebody said "OOH!"
😂teachers can be very power crazy I was one......jeez these kids are gonna grow up real strong .. I guess your son is a dude so hopefully it will have not affected him too much ❤ good4 you!!!
At this point in my life as a 25 year old male, I just want to be silent. After my last relationship, I got very concerned that I might be a narcissist. I over analyze conversations now & my responses to others. I try to see the pov of others without taking their feelings as reality and still hold empathy for their situations. It’s confusing in today’s world with the amount of narcissism prevalent. I’m working on healing these wounds of mine. It just makes me want to be quiet and not respond to others though once I learned of narcissism and the impact it has on people.
Are you a "narcissist"? Or have you encountered one and echo concerning behavior that you don't want to identify with? I ask because, unfortunately, I was raised by one. Throughout my years of adult healing, I have resembled behaviors of the influential care giver that imprinted them, and I aim to be self-aware and correct personal undesired actions/thoughts.
@@KellyRVaden... I agree 100%!! Plus, if you feel sympathy, or empathy for others, you aren't a Narcissist. They're incapable of feeling that for others.
If you feel you’re a narcissist, why not have a check up with a therapist? There are test that can evaluate you and don’t live with this doubt. You’re too young to live in this fear, it will only ruin your life. Best wishes.
My entire family has been destroyed by this. I figured it out, and now I'm removed from it. It's a total relief. At first I struggled with guilt, but no longer do. I am freed from what is truly demonic oppression. The power is back in my hands. Praise God!
My ex of 12yrs. She was always a victim. We could drive past a billboard and it would trigger her! Cut me off from family slowly but surely, socially isolated us. I couldn’t breathe wrong if I didn’t want to get yelled at. So that was fun. Lots of healing. Therapy really helped. Which of course she never wanted to join. Pointed out very early on I was dealing with a NPD/BPD person and ways to protect myself and eventually worked my way out of the relationship..with a lot of baggage I’m still dealing with. Get out sooner than later. If something feels off. It probably is! You are not responsible for another person’s evolution.
This reminds me of when my parents once cornered me in their kitchen and went off for about thirty minutes all that's wrong with me.. when I asked about their shortcomings they quickly brought it back to me. I knew then and there I would never be good enough for them.
"I have to be stronger" is EXACTLY what I have been telling myself - & eventually what my husband has been telling (& yelling at) me - that I need a psychologist so that I can better support him. NO!
Yes! I googled "is it normal for a husband to yell at their wife?" 11 years ago, about a year before I left my husband. It was then that I finally found answers in an article on narc abuse. I'm still collecting info on narcs with two communal and self-righteous narc parents and a string of narc friends. And, yes, explaining doesn't work with narcs, but it lt did become a habit growing up, and in many relationships, because the narcs were always asking "why did you...?"
when you care about everyone as a default because that's just the most logical thing to do then it's really difficult to comprehend how someone so close to you could simply not care about you but when you finally do understand it then you feel such clarity. there's nothing you could've done better they just weren't thinking about you or your feels at all.
That vulnerable narcissist fits my ex mother-in-law’s characters. Dr Ramani is right, that made people missed that. I wasn’t sure if she was a narcissist or not until I watched this video. While my ex is the grandiose one so it’s very obvious that he’s a narcissist. While they’re different kind of narcissists, they have some same characteristics, they both cruel, heartless, have no empathy, very self centered & selfish. My ex in fact learned how to manipulate people from his mother. Some of his ways to manipulate people are very similar to his mother’s. She’s a master manipulator who fools the whole family for years.
Yes, I. And I bet many others, having a narcissistic parent, during hard times, like the recession, was a doozie. The pointed question of, “Just how many jobs have you looked for?” “You just want to live off of me.” “I bet your stepfather would’ve found a job by now.” I was losing my health, barely going to the bathroom, I was applying for so many jobs. I’d want to lose all I worked for to live off of her? My stepfather, who couldn’t find his way around the block, would’ve found a job? I gotta say that, when it came time for me to go no contact and not help her, these types of statements were a contributing factor. Yes, for all those people who feel it must’ve been easy for others to leave their family, what Dr. Ramani talks about at the end? Life is painful enough. I do not need narcissist in my life, for the even tougher times and not when I get older either.
Had the exact same experience. In tough economic times my mother told me I should be living on my own and supporting myself when I had just graduated high school. Not to mention I was never taught any life skills by my parents who were communal and selfrighteous narcissists. Don't wish that on anybody.
@@elzbietac248 when you’re going through a tough time and when circumstances are out of control, like a global recession, narcissistic parents will pick you apart, from the inside out. They want to convince you that you’ve always been a ner do well and a burden and will never recover, even when they’re actively sabotaging you. You’ll find you can’t win. My mother was pretty cheerful, when I told her I was planning to end my life, because I was at the end of my rope and finances, after I couldn’t find permanent work, for years, although I had a great deal of experience and a pretty good portfolio. But, I was suddenly snatched up by one of the most well known food companies that comes to mind and for a WFH position also. As she had also been a director of career services for à university and a traditional person, who couldn’t accept this new WFH concept, this literally made her growl. This is when you come to understand that it wasn’t about you failing and more about them wanting you to fail and never recovering from it. Unbeknownst to me, it may have already been in her mind, to switch my do nothing, absentee sister, into the golden child role. All the better, if it was my personal failure, that kept her hands clean. Just even writing that brings back how much I’ve been through. But, it also relieves me of all the guilt people placed on me about helping my mother.
Having narcissistic parents and what I believe is my narcissistic wife of 30 yrs . I can atest to telling you really what walking on egg shells is all about. NEVER a calm moment. If you can - RUN.
Your brain gets wired to the emotional roller coaster and when it’s over and your alone I actually started missing it , I was so use to the ups and downs , the sweet sex , the fights , raging , the deep hugs on replay . It’s terrible , narcissistic and borderline personality people are extremely contagious and bad for your health, like a pack of cigarettes have a warning label , they should have one on their I.D
I totally tried to "fix" my narcissistic ex. He totally destroyed me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I wish i knew then what i knew now.
Over half a century of life on Earth, I have arrived at one conclusion over most other conclusions -- The rare individual exceptions aside, essentially the entire species is narcissistic. It's just a characteristic of humanity. And I believe I know why. It is one of the human expressions of survival of the fittest. Greed being another human expression of this. Humans simply cannot help but be narcissistic. This may seem overly cynical but, well, dig deep enough and you'll find traits of narcissism in almost anyone and everyone you know. Heck, be honest enough with yourself and you will find the traits even in yourself.
Narcissists blame everyone else, never accepting any responsibility, and aren't self aware at all. There's a huge difference between having traits and being a narcissist.
I agree, we all have narcissistic traits, but there’s a difference, the narcissist does not have empathy , they’re oblivious to others pain. Totally selfish, no regrets. There’s a a huge wall between them and you, something you cannot quiet grasp about them….an enigma.
Dr Ramani’s teaching is invaluable and sanity, I haven’t missed a single videos in years. The only thing which I still cannot understand is : frequently when Dr R says that there is no hope for improvement and one has to cope by building support outside of the bad relationship, there is no way that can be done. It’s impossible to explain to another person, regardless of how close this person is to you, the depth of horrors of narcissistic abuse if the person never experienced the same and has no concept of it. Everything seems normal on outside!! And Dr R also mentioned many times; confide into someone who can understand you Seems like an impossible conundrum With decades of very bad narc emotional abuse I became withdrawn even from people o know b/c they cannot even comprehend my situation. More so, almost any normal person is incredulous: so, if you are stlll in relationship it is probably not that bad?!?!
My old bjj coach is a communal narcissist. Does something good for the community or someone and makes sure everyone knows about it. Loves attention, loves admiration. And then he was constantly telling us about he doesn't need our money and we can leave anytime. After 7 years, I finally did. Best decision ever. I don't miss him but I do miss the other people in the bjj community
I used to follow Dr. Ramini, but the more I listened to her, the more I realized she displayed traits of narcissism. I distinctly remember her advising me not to forgive my ex, emphasizing that holding a grudge only gives the narcissist power over me.
There aren’t enough words for how much I appreciate Dr. Ramani’s videos. After cutting communication with my mom, an uncle, and other narcissistic family members I believe there was a phase where I just felt like I couldn’t help myself. It’s so scary. I did lean on someone else to help me a bit, and soon realized I shouldn’t have. I stopped sharing so much with her and did just that: only talked about the weather, gardening, stopped personalizing, etc… she started to bash me, cut me off, mock me, patronize me, and more. The one time I stuck up for myself she didn’t even make eye contact with me. She even told a friend a few days later that I couldn’t take criticism. I heard from another room and asked, when? Crickets 🦗 … It got so weird and I worked very hard to pick myself up and get out.
Major Topic..very good Analysis..they master the art of deception soo well, they do alot of damage before you realize, In close proximity eg. Fam.Business, Sibling rivalry who even bully Parents who may have favorites...I've been gaslit many times for defending vulnerable among which I was also .... conscience, I hope is now playing out a bit .... Thank you for reminder: to still be on Alert: avoid but confront if needs be🎉..didn't realise there are so many variations.😮....God always makes a way of escape ...no fear in perfect Divine❤
My biological mother stayed with my dad through him beating her, sexually abusing her and finally he almost ended her. However, my dad had money and power and then to punish her; he took me away from her. I found that out 30 years later after my own trauma and life in another contry. It is insidious how Narcs disguises as sheeps but ONLY family members knows who they really are. Til this day, my aunt tells me my dad he "saved' me from my mom etc. I just know, in my soul that she tried hard to be my mom but it just wasn't working.
My mother seems to be a self-righteous narcissist. Just realized it 6 mths ago when she told me she would NEVER apologize to me for ANYTHING, after saying mean and nasty things to me. I just turned 50.😩
so many many great points made. i've read a lot of books and consumed a ton of content including "It's Not Me". everything adds to the understanding of what's going on. thank you for this dr. ramani.
Thanks for a super advice! Must be unbelievable important to not tell your deepest feelings, opinions or plans with these people. It’s seriously damage…
So glad this popped up in my feed. Great clip! I was raised by dual narcissists - one with bipolar disorder. It really hit hard when she talked about the shaming done by narcissistic parents. I'm slowly climbing my way out the dungeon of being "small". I'm getting her book and looking forward to reading her wisdom in detail.
I won't lie, it still saddens me that I can't share my successes with my family, and have to keep neutral topics like weather. Although it's getting easier, because I don't even try to make a effort to change them, it's not going to happen. I used to think, I have it together now, let me go back and try to make them human, and ended up being triple teamed eventually. The truth is, they are who they are, I'm still learning and growing, and that's what I focus on. I surround myself with people that celebrate me, and I'm always happy to see my peoples progress in life. I don't want to be pat on the back for every little accomplishment, but it's good to have people in your life that share your happiness, and not see it as a threat.
I had a hellacious couple of years where my fiancee was a malignant narcissist, my supervisor was a self righteous narcissist, and my supervisor's supervisor was a communal narcissist. I barely made it out alive
Another issue: after escaping the invalidating relationship, deciding whether or how to lose the rage. I'm at 45 years and counting because maintaining the relationship, even at a distance, has meant not expressing it.
Thank you for mentioning the communal narcissist - I think we have one in our church and other members are really playing into their need for validation with flattery.
I told my now ex that he always told me I was wrong. He said I was wrong about that. He’s a friend now who helps us (I live at my 92 yer old mom’s to help her) occasionally. It works better this way but I still get the smirks and “yah, right” type of thing. I let it roll off as we need the help. We’ve gone horse camping together- as friends. He was very helpful but a marriage between us won’t happen agin. It was destroying me and my youngest son. Oh, I asked him to see what my son liked to do and go do that with him. He replied that my son didn’t want to do anything he liked to do. No! That my son enjoyed, not him. He never got it. Sad.
I live with a narcisist for 23 years now and I thought I was the problem until I ran on dr.Ramani and everything set to place. I had the wrong feeling with him from day one but I ignored it. I regret it ever since. In his words I’m to blame for every problem, he has zero selfreflect.
Its hard when one size does not fit all... But true wisdom does come from experience... improvising and adapting tells me my true comfort... and I know that's not enough for everyone. Just like one size does not fit all...
Between believing and seing there is a big gap. That gap is filled with concepts and images of the self. A representation of the self. Life is not a concept. The tree is not the word. It is a living process in which there is no separation.
GRANDIOSE NARC=Father Figure, (Uncle), &, Malignant NARC=MOST OF, IF NOT ALL, MY FAMILY, AROUND ME.! Pure Vommit.! Social, Communal Narc=Mother Figure, (Aunt).! 💫
We all have aspects of every disorder- it is the ratio that matters: I prefer to have parallel lines, but not to the point of OCD... my EGO is there, but does not command that I subjugate others as a narcissist. Comprende?
I agree, but we all need some of those qualities, sometimes, but we also need empathy and understanding. I've had experiences with lots of these people, their actions prove they have no compassion and really don't care about anyone else. They're always the victim and and they don't even try to change their behaviour. Constantly on the defensive, because they have a lot of insecurities. I think they need to get over themselves and fix up.
But Ramani's credentials are real. Sam Vaknin is a narcissist so I'm not sure why anyone would trust him. I do believe his info about narcissism is good, but it is important to remember who he is.
This can sound like many of narcissist victims but the difference is we figure it out and eventually find a way to heal, these sort of males are very good at being covert and keeping a public appearance
I dated a covert narc... for 1.5 years... this was 8 years ago. I didn't see it because it was more nuanced and didn't get out till a friend sent me literature on narcissistic abuse. Of 19 points he had 17....over the years i have witnessed this even more nuanced type...in men and women. The communal narc ive seen in friends and in the top positions of non profits. Its crazy who has it becomes more identified the more sophisticated the approach comes. Greatful for therapy and talks like this and De Ramani was the first researcher i started watching all those years ago.
I was discarded recently by a communal narcissist who convinced me to move cross country to be with him. He was cruel and mentally abusive to me, but kind, sweet and giving to everyone else. He threatened to ruin my reputation with mutual friends and it was the most lonely terrifying time of my life. Luckily, his self image was very inflated and our mutual friends remained my friend. It gets better ❤
I am going through a divorce, after 32 years of marriage. 1 and 1/2 years ago, I got into my bed, crawled up in the fetal position, and asked God to help me. When I woke up, my iPad was on, and it was Dr. RAMINI! I had never heard of narcissistic abuse. She has literally saved my life! Thank you!
Congratulations on your new found freedom 👏 yes it certainly seems sometimes like the CZcams algorithm has a connection to our souls 👍
Dude this happened to me that’s how I found Kevin Ewing cut things off with the family and never looked back
I'm one year out from a 32 year marriage. I'm rebuilding and doing self care. My body is still recovering from keeping the score for so long. I am in a better place but I realize that I am forever changed. Seek support from family, friends or professionals. Educate yourself on the red flags AND the green flags. Go slow and find a path that works toward your happiness.
Comoon, dont quit so easily😢 Go back to that healthy releationship and work things out. Narcist are really good listeners, they are calm, not use abusive language, never try to break you. This is becose they have hearth of gold and they allways, ALLWAYS value you more than they value themselves. In their life they see you more like position of lord. Ok guys, hopefully i made you understand that u are in good hands
@@susanharris3552yes, it changes our personality because in this relationship we lose ourselves. That's the worst thing to happen to anyone. Life was never easy with a narcissist. Unfortunate for me, that I had to deal with the whole family full of narcissists (my wife and her family members). No contact is the best solution to stay away from the narcissist. I too didn't know the word narcissist untiYl did a reverse engineering of what actually I went through. ChatGPT threw the word narcissist and I started reading more about them. I suffered much for 15 years. Female narcissists are the worst. She stole away everything!! Recently I started watching videos of Tim Fletcher & I think you too should. It will reveal why we got into such a relationship and also our weaknesses. I hope all of you heal and recover soon. God bless you 🙏. I too am healing, but I have come half way through. I surrendered to God and I think that's the best thing to do. 😊
my mom is super nice to strangers yet hates the family
That was my dad. He wanted strangers to love him but hated his own family behind closed doors. So I hear you, and hugs.
I know exactly what you mean "Street angel, House devil" that's what that's called
My dad is the same way
People think he is the nicest person in the entire world, he's so cute. He's adorable. He's so funny.
Then he gets home "speak F-ing English! I can't understand anything you say!"....... yeah so sweet
Typical narc!
Hates herself
That’s my sister
My narcissistic husband yelled at me that I had to take responsibility for our marriage problems. I said, “I married the wrong man.” He said, “I told you it’s your fault!”
Typical gaslighting.
Monsters from hell.
😂 don’t mean to laugh but wow
Same. 😂
They are just brutal.
why don't you divorce? They aren't worth it
@@maggiefranks6849 Oh believe me, once my children became adults, I got divorced!
Honestly talking about the weather can start a fight with them too. They're going to start a fight over anything and everything.
Typical narc!
Tell them that you think the weather is nice they will find something wrong with it.
Yep. Because it’s never about the subject matter at hand. Any disagreement is a mandate for them to assert dominance at any cost. One of the saddest things about being married to one is that you couldn’t safely talk about anything from a place of reality. Which makes intimacy impossible. No shared history, it’s all a malleable fantasy to suite their immediate needs. Which is typically dominance and superiority.
And cry and scream and give you the silent treatment for days. Oh yes, I'm divorced and so very happy about it.
They live their whole lives being petty over nothing.
They never look inward or at themselves they always look at the other person to blame for all the chaos they cause
Yes it’s so sad!
I had a boss who once worked in a clinical .what he said was very unkind
So true, they cannot look inward but blame everyone else.
Sounds like a president wannabe I hear all the time..
You got it. Husband's mom a covert narcissist always blame shifts and hates I don't have a job of her choosing. She can't brag in her eyes about me cuz I'm a hostess . I've been in the restaurant work since I was 19
Trying to go "DEEP" with a NARCISSIST is like trying to DIVE in SAND; you will only end up BROKEN.
Right
I'm tired, want out.
@@sivan3125 good one!!! Tell it!
I wish I would have known that 15 years ago.
@sivan
DEEP is an acronym to not:
Defend
Engage
Explain
Personalize
So, where is your comment coming from?
I find it interesting that we are starting to look out for narcissists in our relationships, but not in our politicians.
They are hidden and hard to recognize.
trump and others
Not in my experience. People have been calling a certain candidate a narcissist long before he was ever involved in politics.
I think they're EVERYWHERE!!!
Many the politicians are Narcissists. Look closely at their personal lives.
I was one of those people that found Dr. Ramani at 3am googling what is wrong, etc! 🙋🏻♀️
I hope you found peace. I'm just now coming into rational acceptance of my new reality of 29 years of marriage, and the binders have revealed, I'm living with a narcissist.
helo
You may also appreciate The Little Shaman and Richard Grannon. 😊
They sometimes call it your "Light Bulb Moment" poof you see it and understand.
Vulnerable narcissists are just narcissists without confidence or social skills
Kind of.. but my covert ex was a careful planner and plotter, much more so than many of the overts. He might have been closer to a psycopath, but his talent at sneakiness was unmatched by any other narcissists I have met. I have found coverts to be the most dangerous type by FAR because they operate in ways that always leave room for plausible deniability. He was plotting my murder in a way he would never be caught. And he had AWESOME social skills. He just started on the low rung of society so he had trouble catching lots of "big fish" to get enough supply to confidently become overt in his methods.
Mine just tried to work me to death. I managed to outlive him, but not without a good deal of damage.@ChristianOne
@@nancymorris3286 Yes, mine did too. Nothing was ever enough to satisfy him.
😂😂😂
They’re all hero’s lol til they get triggered
"They are interested in bashing you." Yep.
"I am interested in bashing back."
...but I know I shouldn't.
Dear GOD! I would have loved to have know about this 40 years ago. Narcissism is truely Demonic!!! They never let you go!!
13 years. Finally ended this week. Get out while there's still some of you left.
Yes, 40 years ago. Things could have been so different.
You're their life energy. Of course they don't want to lose you. But if we don't go, they'll suck our life force out of us.
@@loriallen9237exactly 💯 drained the life outta me
Why you have to escape and release yourself and go no contact.
I became addicted to the emotional roller-coaster of being yelled at for no cold drinks in the fridge, waking him up late for work would have him having a tantrum(an example), and the apology meal, 2 yrs separated after 30yrs together....i still get like flash backs.
But 2yrs gone... congratulate yourself - you are free & out of all that! Kudos to you.
Those flashbacks are PTSD
It's Trauma, and the body stores trauma. It takes awhile to Actively Work that Out
A narc will have you crazy! I dealt with one a year and omg I’m so glad I’m out of that mess. It’s so sad they can’t see something wrong with themselves and try to fix it. If you’re dealing with this kind of person I’m telling you to get out, a waste of your time!!!
I spent 29 years!! They start slow and insidious and if you’re not healthy it’s easy to miss!!!
💯
I couldn't put a name to it for 20 years. The blindfold has now fallen thanks to Dr. Ramani.
My blinders have just come off. 29 years of marriage and the rational acceptance that I've been living with a narcissist is surreal.
Yes I was blinded too. I thought I was crazy. I kept praying to God to help me be a better wife. Every day my husband always complained he was unhappy with me and I need to work my character flaws. I stayed stressed trying to do the right thing and not upset him. I walked on egg shells. Then one I couldn’t stop crying for a month and walked out of a 7 year marriage. I am in the middle of a divorce. I found one of the Doctors videos on signs your dealing with a narcissist. I was set free. I chose no contact. He has done everything the videos said he would do from love bombing, telling friends how bad I’ve done him, hovering, self pity, guilt and call him back it is very very important. I have not responded because it is all lies. He has even apologized to me numerous of times that he now see what he was doing to me in our marriage. Lies upon lies. In seven years of marriage now he see the error of his ways. I am not buying it.
Listen to your body! It can’t lie to you like your mind often will - and it gets there first.
This is true . If you get headaches when they are about to visit or get stomach aches
I react internally as if I have a severe allergy/rash when I am around a narcissist for very long. Agitated, uncomfortable, volitile, anxious, angry. It can feel like I am getting upset for NO reason, but if I then remove myself and revisit the interaction in my mind review, then suddenly the subtle signs show up. If my body didn't react, I would miss all the hidden covert ones.
@ChristianOne exactly I know exactly the feelings. I get anxious sick can't eat have to go to bathroom stomach feel like I want to run . Then anger overflows
Vertigo was the first physical symptom at the beginning, 24 years ago.
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 yes, anxiety is an important thing to notice, telling you that something is not ok.
My mom was the self righteous martyr yet also a hermit/agoraphobic type who had judged everyone who she comes across. Everyone but her was bad
l knew a friends step-mother like that.. she exhausted me within minutes..! l could never spend time there..
My mom was/is like that too PLUS as a bonus I married a Narc. God help us all that are stuck.
That was my mom!!!
@@camisnyder3460me too!
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing.
They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves.
When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection.
Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Barryinvestigation@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
This is the best written advertisement I think I have ever read
@@blinkyy1088u got a point
"Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. "
Makes sense now why my father would always call me his "mini-me," and I would always get he abuse.
But the abuse was enacted on because of mom, not because of him, so.....
@@blinkyy1088no joke! Hooked me til the very end LOL
My husband of 23 yrs is so crazy especially when drinking. Everything is my fault literally. I have learned to put my head phones on at night and ignore his ass. I have taught my girls to fight back because he doesn't fight them verbally like he does me. I want my girls to be strong and have a voice. It is just a shitty situation all around.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Tyrant toddler
You're a very in tune , very awaken and very aware , stay that way❤
BLEZZ#KEEP DA CHANGE
Why are you monitoring him? Let it go.
Another great ad I’m assuming you copied and pasted someone else’s response above the ad
Better to live alone and stay alone. Like that you’re never be hurt.
💯
Your so right. That is always best!
... or loved.
@@SnarkasticSunnyikr..
you can find someone decent.. there are so many out there..!
Doesn't work and it's a miserable existence.
They blame you and end up saying “”you’re toxic and miserable”” I had a lady say this too me! She was projecting all sorts of crap on me. None of it’s true of coarse! I was wondering what was going on, so I looked up the covert narcissistic in woman and found “”this is their goal to do this.
Did you check whether you WERE toxic and miserable?
@@larrykelly-kf5ppme??? I absolutely am not, what she was doing is called “projection” I’m completely fine. They’re the ones that are toxic and miserable! You’ve never dealt with a narcissists have you? They’ll blame you for everything and try to bring you down.
Dr Ramani literally saved me, she is very correct. I tried so hard and I escaped my very violent malignant narcissist ex boyfriend. Complete stranger were nicer to me than my ex boyfriend. I could not even get dropped off at the hospital.
Grey rock.
I’ve noticed the vulnerable is super super hard to detect but once you mentioned circumstances flipping it to grandiose in either direction shewww lightbulb!!!
It seems like you are always feeling hurt..Never Good Enough, Never. Don't defend, don't engage, don't Explain and don't personalize. They won't listen. I'm tired of saying " you don't listen"
I always feel it in my body..but I forget to act on it..
I always feel it in my body..but I forget to act on it.. excellent knowledge in this post..thanks..
Dr. Ramani, you are so correct about Hope. So many of us keep holding on to hope that things will change.
I thought I met a really nice person, but slowly, but surely I saw all these traits you have mentioned. And this happened after I’ve been studying for quite a while about toxic people. Some people are so convincing in the beginning. I think the only answer is time, you gotta give it time to see who someone really is. I have to say I was so shocked when he started interrupting me and then when he didn’t seem to wanna know anything about me, it’s just like you said. I told him the only thing I can talk to you about are food, sex, and the weather. At first, I felt so safe and nurtured. Now I wanna run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.
Get away. It only get's worse and more hurtful. They don't get "better."
GET AWAY!!!
Over time true character is revealed!!! Go slow but in your case it’s time for exit plan! Some are dangerous soo be careful.
"RUN!" Don't look back - just run!
Same here and he even started to physically hurt me! I’m out and have been so .
Not many therapists/counselors understand narcissism. This lady and Dr. Les Carter saved me from "Alzheimers" like previous targets/victims of narcs.
After about 35 years of some kind of counselling or therapy I have given up. I even tried restarting it last year but it was even worse. You're right, not many mental health professionals are well versed in narcissistic abuse. It is much cleaner and efficient for them to misdiagnosis you for something else for the sake of medical coding and billing, or just plain assume you are lying to them about everything.
I am disabled so I can't work enough to pay for a therapist familiar with narc abuse I my area and my main narcissist has devastated me financially of what I had left, and I don't believe he is even done with that! The only useful information and advice I can afford is from CZcams videos like this one from Dr. Ramani and others.
Did I also mention my narcissist is a stalker? The police around here won't take me seriously enough. They have bigger fish to fry like school shootings, homicides, swatting, kidnappings and car chases anyway. I'm convinced they would sooner have me leave town than to have to do any paperwork or real investigating on my behalf.
Also when it comes.
To trying to make friends with other women. I wanted so much to believe in the sisterhood that I did not recognize the toxic narc. She presented such a nice public persona that it was hard to see through to the devil inside that she was hiding.
I've met more than my share of women like that. It's to the point where I dislike my gender for how bad some are while griping about how lousy men are. It makes me sad to see traits that involve conniving, manipulative lying, competitiveness and endless sniping among overempowered women who've gone from assertive to aggressive to domineering in just the last few generations. This is not at all what first wave feminists had in mind for women to become---each other's enemies. I've deliberately avoided forming friendships with other women because of so much cattiness that continues well past 40. I have an over friendly neighbor who struck me as too outgoing, too eager to be a helpful pal, plus I was also forewarned by her former tenant. I was correct in keeping my distance because of a few things I've since learned about her conduct. It's disheartening because women's friendships are not supposed to be like this. We should be able trust and support each other.
@@msr1116AGREED!!! Many sick women too!!! Yes!!
another thing to watch for is unnecessary or unwanted cooperation or a relationship they try to create...i.e. helping you with something when you don't need it over and over again, emphasizing doing something together that you would have been fine just doing yourself, and so on... anything to create "emotional currency" between you, which they subsequently use to hold over your head if you don't want to do something. "all this time I helped you and this is how you repay me" ...resist these annoying people and don't let them squat in your emotional real estate.
When you're the child of a narcissist (or narcissists), the damage is done very early on, before you have any idea what is happening, and can't get away.
The Communal Narcissist is my MIL! She is a doctor in psychiatric nursing. she is screwing sick people over daily. but telling herself she is saving them. it is terrifying the damage she is doing.
I'd love to hear more stories and detail about how she operates or gets away with it...and does she tattle on herself to you or...?
How exactly can this happen?
So curious to hear more about this!! I find a lot of doctors/MD's/PhD's are narcs...
Pay attention to this and if there is ever a reportable offense I hope you will let someone know what is going on and spare some vulnerable people from this predator.
@@AshleySigurdson-fs4ep The majority are......
OMG, I see all of these things in pretty much everyone I have ever encountered. I can count on one hand the people who weren't like this.
right. sometimes I question if sane people exist.
Then maybe you should realise that looking for narcissists everywhere is about not wanting to blame yourself. There is a huge market in this atm, because no one wants to believe they're the problem. Easier to label your partner a narcissist and blame them for everything. Something Narcissists are blamed for doing. See how silly it is?
Thank you for this! I married a Malignant/Vulnerable Narcissist for 13 yrs. It was awful, because in addition to his horrible anger, he'd fly into rages - he'd take to his bed for days - literally, lay in bed. Nothing I did mattered. He wanted to control my hair color-body tattoos (psssst: no one could see any of them - anyway). I couldn't pick out furniture. Divorce was threatened every other week & I never had security, although $ was not his problem. I was so stupid I gave up my own home, my career & married him. I had terrible health & was at a specialist's office every week. I was on Valium. I finally got out: my good friend is an Evidential Medium. She told me I'd be dead within 6 months if I stayed. Previously, she gave me profound info about myself that no one would know. I totally trusted her. My horrible headaches went away the MINUTE my Atty. filed the D. papers. The MINUTE.
You get sick around them!!! Truths!!
Good for you, but what do you mean evidential medium? She does the Sherlock Holmes thing?
@@PaTrick-cf6ev No.
@@Terriwith2arfs so what is that?
@@PaTrick-cf6ev Google Evidential Mediums. I won't disclose my friend's name.
The self righteous narc voice Dr Ramani puts on is so real…I can just imagine someone speaking down to another this way and it makes my blood boil…the voice screams total lack of sensitivity…it’s too much….I can’t handle these types…
It really worries me that I have the genes for being a narcissist. My father was a grandiose narcissist, even the light-switches in his house had to be brass plated. My mother was an extremely malicious malignant narcissist, who repeatedly beat me unconcious. I literally barely survived my childhood.
But having their genes means I might be like them. My mother did the dark eye thing when she beat me up, which
just made it all the more frightening. It was like being beaten-up by a robot, because she did not respond to my cries of pain, my pleas for mercy, my attempts to reason with her, in the slightest. There was no human being there to plead with or reason with. It did something to me. Made me feel I was less than human.
My mothers inability to respond somehow made me less than human. Unfortunately this has somehow attracted other narcissists into my life, seemingly even at times when I did not have any choice of the person concerned, such as practitioners in the national health service.
It worries me that my mother had the ability to control her eye pupil size, which my doctors tell me is not a human characteristic. Say this is due to an alleulle on a gene which gets switched on by a virus or something? Since I was about six I have been terrified of the idea that I might somehow be like my mother. I am terrified now.
I don't believe there's a thing as "Genes" for narcissism. It's all about "environment," because the environment you grow up in, is what you will repeat.
It's the "Generational Cycle of Abuse."
One of the only ways to break it is by going no-contact and owrking on yourself.
I am sorry 😢 you had to live through this. Hope your life is better now.
@@elzbietac248 Thankyou for your kind words.
This sounds like it must have been extremely traumatizing for you 😢 I'm so very sorry.
If you have a Bible, you can read about the Pharisees as they were narcissists.
My mother hit the check boxes for vulnerable narcissist; my ex- husband hit the check boxes for a malignant narcissist. Last boyfriend hit the vulnerable checkboxes.
I decided I am a magnet for narcissism, and have embraced my independence and single hood. I'm more than willing to donate my "share" to everyone else.
I have been the victim over and over again of narcissistic men. The takeaway is I need help to recognize this immediately but they are good actors so how to I stay away. This far isolation has been my answer. As far as the narcissist, some have no excuse and some were abused themselves so I feel sorry for them and they need help but I cannot allow myself to be abused by them either.
Dr. Ramani is amazing! I have been listing to her for years and have her books! She blew me away right now!!! I love how realistic she is emphasizing real on the ground human aspects of this relationship dynamic! The conversation about showing up as your whole self GOT me! Buy her books !!!!!!!!
Oh I so agree with Dr Ramani - therapists don't seem to be trained in this and that is dangerous - I tried therapy for myself and no one came up with narcissism which is what he had and was causing me so much distress. Now I am out of it I see it through Dr Ramani's help on CZcams I worked him out and was so shocked when I recognised the behaviour. It was awful - the worst an now I know it is fine but people need to know as it is so damaging.
Family needs to stop romanticizing being a family. Blood is thicker than water. No that's a toxic phrase. It's painful walking away from all your family. It's weird, but toxic families have this cult following feeling. Mom and dad have this God syndrome and we the children are there to worship and follow without questions. Children are not allowed to feel, talk, or question anything in the family dynamic. When you become an adult you sense something is not right. You will become more aware once you start working on your inner self. My advice is take some time away from your family. Do an assessment make sure this is not in your head. You will have a moment of clarity and that's when you make a decision. Maybe walk away from some members or perhaps leave all of them behind. It takes years for you to leave. But when you do, don't look back.
People get blood is thicker than water wrong.
It was talking about the blood of the covenant, is thicker than the water of the womb.
So true, you are soooooo right ❤
Another weird proverb. "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it."
Swedish Proverb
Yes, leave them all behind and don't look back!
Blood may be thicker ......but it's so much messier and harder to clean up.
I was married to a charming, powerful malignant narcissist for 26 years… 32 years if you count the 6 years he drug out the divorce to ensure I got nothing. Brutal! That was 17 years ago. Had to see him for the first time last weekend at our daughters wedding. It was like I was walking through a minefield for 3 days. I shut down all emotions to survive. It’s hard to find balance for those dreaded interactions. 😓
After decades, some 40+ years together- there has finally been a window to share Dr Ramini’s wisdom with a beloved family member. Holding hope that maybe there will be enough for him to trust that life outside is better, despite the cost to exit. ❤
It's hard not to take it personal when it's your own family or it's someone you have to have contact with often.
This school teacher convinced me she loved children so I let my boy go to her class.
It was horrible for my son, so I had guilt being fooled by this "communal" narcissist.
At the end of the year, at the picnic, She commented to me that she saw me talking
to a friend..."You're always talking!" And I said, "I got friends", somebody said "OOH!"
😂teachers can be very power crazy I was one......jeez these kids are gonna grow up real strong .. I guess your son is a dude so hopefully it will have not affected him too much ❤ good4 you!!!
At this point in my life as a 25 year old male, I just want to be silent. After my last relationship, I got very concerned that I might be a narcissist. I over analyze conversations now & my responses to others. I try to see the pov of others without taking their feelings as reality and still hold empathy for their situations. It’s confusing in today’s world with the amount of narcissism prevalent. I’m working on healing these wounds of mine. It just makes me want to be quiet and not respond to others though once I learned of narcissism and the impact it has on people.
Are you a "narcissist"? Or have you encountered one and echo concerning behavior that you don't want to identify with?
I ask because, unfortunately, I was raised by one. Throughout my years of adult healing, I have resembled behaviors of the influential care giver that imprinted them, and I aim to be self-aware and correct personal undesired actions/thoughts.
If you question if you're a narcissist, you aren't a narcissist. Narcissists have no self awareness at all.
@@KellyRVaden... I agree 100%!! Plus, if you feel sympathy, or empathy for others, you aren't a Narcissist. They're incapable of feeling that for others.
If you feel you’re a narcissist, why not have a check up with a therapist? There are test that can evaluate you and don’t live with this doubt. You’re too young to live in this fear, it will only ruin your life. Best wishes.
My entire family has been destroyed by this. I figured it out, and now I'm removed from it. It's a total relief. At first I struggled with guilt, but no longer do. I am freed from what is truly demonic oppression. The power is back in my hands. Praise God!
when you're extremely alone in your life and you need as clear and straightforward person as Dr Ramani making you hear simple hard truths...
My ex of 12yrs. She was always a victim. We could drive past a billboard and it would trigger her! Cut me off from family slowly but surely, socially isolated us. I couldn’t breathe wrong if I didn’t want to get yelled at. So that was fun. Lots of healing. Therapy really helped. Which of course she never wanted to join. Pointed out very early on I was dealing with a NPD/BPD person and ways to protect myself and eventually worked my way out of the relationship..with a lot of baggage I’m still dealing with. Get out sooner than later. If something feels off. It probably is! You are not responsible for another person’s evolution.
This reminds me of when my parents once cornered me in their kitchen and went off for about thirty minutes all that's wrong with me.. when I asked about their shortcomings they quickly brought it back to me. I knew then and there I would never be good enough for them.
They don't deserve you. ❤
"I have to be stronger" is EXACTLY what I have been telling myself - & eventually what my husband has been telling (& yelling at) me - that I need a psychologist so that I can better support him. NO!
Yes! I googled "is it normal for a husband to yell at their wife?" 11 years ago, about a year before I left my husband. It was then that I finally found answers in an article on narc abuse. I'm still collecting info on narcs with two communal and self-righteous narc parents and a string of narc friends.
And, yes, explaining doesn't work with narcs, but it lt did become a habit growing up, and in many relationships, because the narcs were always asking "why did you...?"
when you care about everyone as a default because that's just the most logical thing to do then it's really difficult to comprehend how someone so close to you could simply not care about you but when you finally do understand it then you feel such clarity. there's nothing you could've done better they just weren't thinking about you or your feels at all.
That vulnerable narcissist fits my ex mother-in-law’s characters. Dr Ramani is right, that made people missed that. I wasn’t sure if she was a narcissist or not until I watched this video. While my ex is the grandiose one so it’s very obvious that he’s a narcissist. While they’re different kind of narcissists, they have some same characteristics, they both cruel, heartless, have no empathy, very self centered & selfish. My ex in fact learned how to manipulate people from his mother. Some of his ways to manipulate people are very similar to his mother’s. She’s a master manipulator who fools the whole family for years.
I no longer go deep with my narcissistic spouse, but that's infuriating to him as well. I feel like I can't win.
Yes, I. And I bet many others, having a narcissistic parent, during hard times, like the recession, was a doozie. The pointed question of, “Just how many jobs have you looked for?” “You just want to live off of me.” “I bet your stepfather would’ve found a job by now.” I was losing my health, barely going to the bathroom, I was applying for so many jobs. I’d want to lose all I worked for to live off of her? My stepfather, who couldn’t find his way around the block, would’ve found a job? I gotta say that, when it came time for me to go no contact and not help her, these types of statements were a contributing factor.
Yes, for all those people who feel it must’ve been easy for others to leave their family, what Dr. Ramani talks about at the end? Life is painful enough. I do not need narcissist in my life, for the even tougher times and not when I get older either.
Had the exact same experience. In tough economic times my mother told me I should be living on my own and supporting myself when I had just graduated high school. Not to mention I was never taught any life skills by my parents who were communal and selfrighteous narcissists. Don't wish that on anybody.
@@elzbietac248 when you’re going through a tough time and when circumstances are out of control, like a global recession, narcissistic parents will pick you apart, from the inside out. They want to convince you that you’ve always been a ner do well and a burden and will never recover, even when they’re actively sabotaging you. You’ll find you can’t win.
My mother was pretty cheerful, when I told her I was planning to end my life, because I was at the end of my rope and finances, after I couldn’t find permanent work, for years, although I had a great deal of experience and a pretty good portfolio. But, I was suddenly snatched up by one of the most well known food companies that comes to mind and for a WFH position also. As she had also been a director of career services for à university and a traditional person, who couldn’t accept this new WFH concept, this literally made her growl. This is when you come to understand that it wasn’t about you failing and more about them wanting you to fail and never recovering from it. Unbeknownst to me, it may have already been in her mind, to switch my do nothing, absentee sister, into the golden child role. All the better, if it was my personal failure, that kept her hands clean.
Just even writing that brings back how much I’ve been through. But, it also relieves me of all the guilt people placed on me about helping my mother.
Incredibly, shockingly informative!
WOW. I thought I had a grip on "narcissism" until I heard this!!! Ty 🌹.
Having narcissistic parents and what I believe is my narcissistic wife of 30 yrs .
I can atest to telling you really what walking on egg shells is all about. NEVER a calm moment.
If you can - RUN.
Your brain gets wired to the emotional roller coaster and when it’s over and your alone I actually started missing it , I was so use to the ups and downs , the sweet sex , the fights , raging , the deep hugs on replay . It’s terrible , narcissistic and borderline personality people are extremely contagious and bad for your health, like a pack of cigarettes have a warning label , they should have one on their I.D
I totally tried to "fix" my narcissistic ex. He totally destroyed me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I wish i knew then what i knew now.
You know how many times I've had this thought over the years? It comes with the territory. You know now, so you are doing better now. ❤
Over half a century of life on Earth, I have arrived at one conclusion over most other conclusions -- The rare individual exceptions aside, essentially the entire species is narcissistic. It's just a characteristic of humanity. And I believe I know why. It is one of the human expressions of survival of the fittest. Greed being another human expression of this.
Humans simply cannot help but be narcissistic. This may seem overly cynical but, well, dig deep enough and you'll find traits of narcissism in almost anyone and everyone you know. Heck, be honest enough with yourself and you will find the traits even in yourself.
Narcissists blame everyone else, never accepting any responsibility, and aren't self aware at all. There's a huge difference between having traits and being a narcissist.
I agree, we all have narcissistic traits, but there’s a difference, the narcissist does not have empathy , they’re oblivious to others pain. Totally selfish, no regrets. There’s a a huge wall between them and you, something you cannot quiet grasp about them….an enigma.
Dr Ramani’s teaching is invaluable and sanity, I haven’t missed a single videos in years. The only thing which I still cannot understand is : frequently when Dr R says that there is no hope for improvement and one has to cope by building support outside of the bad relationship, there is no way that can be done. It’s impossible to explain to another person, regardless of how close this person is to you, the depth of horrors of narcissistic abuse if the person never experienced the same and has no concept of it. Everything seems normal on outside!! And Dr R also mentioned many times; confide into someone who can understand you
Seems like an impossible conundrum
With decades of very bad narc emotional abuse I became withdrawn even from people o know b/c they cannot even comprehend my situation. More so, almost any normal person is incredulous: so, if you are stlll in relationship it is probably not that bad?!?!
My old bjj coach is a communal narcissist. Does something good for the community or someone and makes sure everyone knows about it. Loves attention, loves admiration. And then he was constantly telling us about he doesn't need our money and we can leave anytime. After 7 years, I finally did. Best decision ever. I don't miss him but I do miss the other people in the bjj community
I used to follow Dr. Ramini, but the more I listened to her, the more I realized she displayed traits of narcissism. I distinctly remember her advising me not to forgive my ex, emphasizing that holding a grudge only gives the narcissist power over me.
We’re you her patient ?
There aren’t enough words for how much I appreciate Dr. Ramani’s videos. After cutting communication with my mom, an uncle, and other narcissistic family members I believe there was a phase where I just felt like I couldn’t help myself. It’s so scary. I did lean on someone else to help me a bit, and soon realized I shouldn’t have. I stopped sharing so much with her and did just that: only talked about the weather, gardening, stopped personalizing, etc… she started to bash me, cut me off, mock me, patronize me, and more. The one time I stuck up for myself she didn’t even make eye contact with me. She even told a friend a few days later that I couldn’t take criticism. I heard from another room and asked, when? Crickets 🦗 …
It got so weird and I worked very hard to pick myself up and get out.
Thank you for this video. The description of a communal narcissist, is the most accurate description of my ex wife that I have ever heard.
My narc is so sweet for a while but it doesn’t last long. Like clockwork it’s like he becomes possessed by a demon.
Brilliant woman and a great interview. Thank you 🙏
Thanks for telling us how the vulnerable covert can gain power and show the overt NPD !!!! Happened to me with my ex!!!!
@@Portia620 my current, for past 33yrs married + 12 great years before that as best friends
"Why don't I ever take out the trash? I did, but you kept walking back in."
Narcs are as deep as a puddle.
😂
Major Topic..very good Analysis..they master the art of deception soo well, they do alot of damage before you realize, In close proximity eg. Fam.Business, Sibling rivalry who even bully Parents who may have favorites...I've been gaslit many times for defending vulnerable among which I was also .... conscience, I hope is now playing out a bit ....
Thank you for reminder: to still be on Alert: avoid
but confront if needs be🎉..didn't realise there are so many variations.😮....God always makes a way of escape ...no fear in perfect Divine❤
My biological mother stayed with my dad through him beating her, sexually abusing her and finally he almost ended her. However, my dad had money and power and then to punish her; he took me away from her. I found that out 30 years later after my own trauma and life in another contry. It is insidious how Narcs disguises as sheeps but ONLY family members knows who they really are. Til this day, my aunt tells me my dad he "saved' me from my mom etc. I just know, in my soul that she tried hard to be my mom but it just wasn't working.
My mother seems to be a self-righteous narcissist. Just realized it 6 mths ago when she told me she would NEVER apologize to me for ANYTHING, after saying mean and nasty things to me. I just turned 50.😩
so many many great points made. i've read a lot of books and consumed a ton of content including "It's Not Me". everything adds to the understanding of what's going on. thank you for this dr. ramani.
Thanks for a super advice!
Must be unbelievable important to not tell your deepest feelings, opinions or plans with these people. It’s seriously damage…
🎉 I have a huge court case against a Malignant Narcissist. Very very expensive
So glad this popped up in my feed. Great clip! I was raised by dual narcissists - one with bipolar disorder. It really hit hard when she talked about the shaming done by narcissistic parents. I'm slowly climbing my way out the dungeon of being "small". I'm getting her book and looking forward to reading her wisdom in detail.
my mom steals from us treats us like objects
I won't lie, it still saddens me that I can't share my successes with my family, and have to keep neutral topics like weather. Although it's getting easier, because I don't even try to make a effort to change them, it's not going to happen. I used to think, I have it together now, let me go back and try to make them human, and ended up being triple teamed eventually. The truth is, they are who they are, I'm still learning and growing, and that's what I focus on. I surround myself with people that celebrate me, and I'm always happy to see my peoples progress in life. I don't want to be pat on the back for every little accomplishment, but it's good to have people in your life that share your happiness, and not see it as a threat.
YESSSS FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT!!!!
I had a hellacious couple of years where my fiancee was a malignant narcissist, my supervisor was a self righteous narcissist, and my supervisor's supervisor was a communal narcissist. I barely made it out alive
How right! Wounded people have to take responsibility for their own wounds. Just talking about the weather, so true.
Grandiose narcisisst - sounds exactly like Donald Trump.
...or the women you see on I.G everyday
Another issue: after escaping the invalidating relationship, deciding whether or how to lose the rage. I'm at 45 years and counting because maintaining the relationship, even at a distance, has meant not expressing it.
Thank you for mentioning the communal narcissist - I think we have one in our church and other members are really playing into their need for validation with flattery.
Went to a church where the pastor was the narcissist. He got so much praise and validation, and it was gut wrenching to watch.
Always an education. Thanks!
I told my now ex that he always told me I was wrong. He said I was wrong about that. He’s a friend now who helps us (I live at my 92 yer old mom’s to help her) occasionally. It works better this way but I still get the smirks and “yah, right” type of thing. I let it roll off as we need the help. We’ve gone horse camping together- as friends. He was very helpful but a marriage between us won’t happen agin. It was destroying me and my youngest son. Oh, I asked him to see what my son liked to do and go do that with him. He replied that my son didn’t want to do anything he liked to do. No! That my son enjoyed, not him. He never got it. Sad.
By my mom, being too good was bad and whatever it is that I loved or skilled at was regularly tamped out or forbade to go forward with
That sucks. In my case, what I was good at was exploited. And when I didn't do as well as expected, it was l-lell.
I live with a narcisist for 23 years now and I thought I was the problem until I ran on dr.Ramani and everything set to place.
I had the wrong feeling with him from day one but I ignored it. I regret it ever since. In his words I’m to blame for every problem, he has zero selfreflect.
You go girl - you nailed it! My experiences
Its hard when one size does not fit all... But true wisdom does come from experience... improvising and adapting tells me my true comfort... and I know that's not enough for everyone. Just like one size does not fit all...
Between believing and seing there is a big gap.
That gap is filled with concepts and images of the self. A representation of the self. Life is not a concept. The tree is not the word. It is a living process in which there is no separation.
GRANDIOSE NARC=Father Figure, (Uncle), &, Malignant NARC=MOST OF, IF NOT ALL, MY FAMILY, AROUND ME.!
Pure Vommit.!
Social, Communal Narc=Mother Figure, (Aunt).!
💫
Yes my son at 5 thought he was cause and it broke my heart ❤️ 19 years later I’m told 😮
I think one could argue we all have aspects of narcissism.
Aspects. But not the whole bag and open to change
We all have aspects of every disorder- it is the ratio that matters: I prefer to have parallel lines, but not to the point of OCD... my EGO is there, but does not command that I subjugate others as a narcissist. Comprende?
Narcissists blame everyone but themselves and aren't self aware at all. Not everyone does that.
I agree, but we all need some of those qualities, sometimes, but we also need empathy and understanding. I've had experiences with lots of these people, their actions prove they have no compassion and really don't care about anyone else. They're always the victim and and they don't even try to change their behaviour. Constantly on the defensive, because they have a lot of insecurities. I think they need to get over themselves and fix up.
What exactly is your purpose for making this claim?
❤ Yes...,15-18:16
We all need to get this!
Dr Ramani and Dr Sam Vaknin are the best in this field!!
But Ramani's credentials are real. Sam Vaknin is a narcissist so I'm not sure why anyone would trust him. I do believe his info about narcissism is good, but it is important to remember who he is.
This can sound like many of narcissist victims but the difference is we figure it out and eventually find a way to heal, these sort of males are very good at being covert and keeping a public appearance
I dated a covert narc... for 1.5 years... this was 8 years ago. I didn't see it because it was more nuanced and didn't get out till a friend sent me literature on narcissistic abuse. Of 19 points he had 17....over the years i have witnessed this even more nuanced type...in men and women. The communal narc ive seen in friends and in the top positions of non profits. Its crazy who has it becomes more identified the more sophisticated the approach comes. Greatful for therapy and talks like this and De Ramani was the first researcher i started watching all those years ago.
Ramini gives too many things to look for. Lack of integrity sums up a narcissist. Anyone who lack integrity is toxic.
Very true!
Oh my gosh he said. " i love preening. Omg God help me i beg someone will offer me a spare bedroom I know. I need to run quietly.
I was discarded recently by a communal narcissist who convinced me to move cross country to be with him. He was cruel and mentally abusive to me, but kind, sweet and giving to everyone else. He threatened to ruin my reputation with mutual friends and it was the most lonely terrifying time of my life. Luckily, his self image was very inflated and our mutual friends remained my friend. It gets better ❤