4 Reasons the Scapegoat Child Is Stronger Than Their Narcissistic Parent
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- čas přidán 13. 07. 2024
- In today's video I explain why being more powerful does not mean being stronger. Next, I offer four reasons why the scapegoat child is psychologically stronger than the narcissistic parent. This child is more psychologically flexible. They are more emotionally mature. The truth matters more to them. And they are more empathic. By the end of the video, my hope is that you have a framework with which to identify how you exhibited strength in your own upbringing.
Knowing the truth about your strength is a critical step in healing from narcissistic abuse.
After watching this video AND if you’re ready to learn more…
Accelerate your recovery journey today by getting a FREE Copy of my ebook, Learn 4 Ways Adult Scapegoat Survivors Can Heal
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Thanks to the youtube channel / @toddadale for the movie clip used in this video.
Anyone who uses a child to inflate their own ego is not a sign of strength. Dealing with psychological warfare as a child takes some guts
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Very well said
Of course we are stronger! My narcissistic mother is sitting at home billowing in her own hatred of the world, self-pity, victimisation, whilst I as the scapegoat, am living my authentic life away from her. She has taught me what not to be as a person and mother.
Yasssssss
mine must be sitting right next to her lol sad people trapped by their lies
It’s actually quite sad.
Yes , the what not to be people keep turning up on the journey away from the family and Thank God for them and I was lucky enough to live beside some aging Narcs and realise what becomes of them and get away before they weighed me down as a prop.
Same with my evil mother and me.
My wife is the scapegoat in her family. She's an amazing mother, wife, and small business owner. People love being around her, and her Narc Father could not stand it, and he tried everything he possibly could to smash her down, both emotionally and financially. She went no contact a few years ago. I'm sure that drives her dad absolutely insane. Oh well.
Kudos to you as well. We really blossom when we have supportive partners.
She's not a scapegoat if she's achieved all that. Scapegoats are disabled by their abusers.
@streaming5332 Scapegoats sometimes get to 'scape. 😂
She absolutely is the scapegoat if the whole story surrounding her from her father and/or extended family is that she's somehow the cause of all their problems and unhappiness in life, so she gets nothing but crap from them. She's just become stronger than them for it in the end, and good for her, because it isn't easy even if she is doing well in life. She's just got good support in place and a head that tells her she's worth more than she's been given by some key people in her family. ❤
You don't become the target of narcissists because you have no redeeming qualities, but often because you totally do. They want to rob you of that, maybe because you are what they can't seem to be in life.
She was lucky (relatively!) to have found a husband who gets it.
@@streaming5332 not all
Once as an adult, I told my mother that the cruel things she said to me were hurting my feelings. She said, "I didn't think you ever got your feelings hurt." She came perilously close to saying, "I didn't think you had feelings." She justified her abusive behavior by saying to herself, "Oh, my victim doesn't really have any feelings like I do. She's sort of an inanimate object."
Mine basically admitted the same thing. That’s crazy. They teach us to hide our feelings so they can pretend we don’t have any. I wasn’t allowed to show any anger or disappointment on my face or I got in trouble. Wasn’t allowed to cry or I was given a reason to cry. Wasn’t allowed to be sad or I was entitled. Now the narrative is that I had no feelings. Insanity.
My mother's name for me was "Black Hearted Bitch", obviously illustrating the belief that I had no feelings. Projection at its finest
FS _everything_ is an object to them & everything is transactional.
they can't deal with the world any other way because they can't handle (positive) emotions so they avoid the whole issue by objectify everything.
lol sorry if that sounds like mansplanning. I'm explaining it to my inner child, not you.
❤️🩹 ✌️
It needs to be said in my opinion that these unquestionable strengths also run the risk of attracting people as unhealthy as the narcissistic parents, at least until the scapegoat survivor learns to boost their biggest weakness - their ability to set and enforce proper boundaries. Until you learn to be strong for yourself, and not to try and compensate for someone else's weaknesses, please be careful with the kind of people that get close to you.
Very well said! An often overlooked topic!!!!
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 exactly - it's a fine line. I didn't know I was attracting them. Now I see that I was & can stop them from getting close to me.
My mother told me when I was a teenager that she "knew" I would "be okay" because I "had friends." My relationships outside the family somehow justified her neglect of me, and her focus on my older sibling. Mom's twisted perspective also explains why she expected me to caretake her and everyone else in the family. I was not nurtured to develop a self unless it corresponded to how they defined me. Narcissistic people make such damaging parents. They cannot relax and let their children be themselves. They are compelled to create false realities. My siblings were elevated over me in my family, and they still live in that false reality that my mother and father created for them. It was so lonely for me to try to exist in that family. Since I turned my back on them, I have begun to live for the first time.
@rubberbiscuit99 I’m so glad that you’re writing this because it’s exactly what I have experienced, too. My mother actually said “Awww, well M. is a very good friend! It’s good that you can go to her when you’re depressed.” That was when I was actually comparing my friend’s kindness to her criticism and downplaying of the depression I was in and that her behaviour had created when I was a teen. I was flabbergasted 🤯. I had come home to get a hug. No. Didn’t happen, has never happened.
@@chrisg7795 Right. And it will not happen. What a cold thing for her to say to you. I'm sorry you have that for a parent.
@@muma6559 Same. When I was young, I assumed something was wrong with the people who saw something of value in me. I was very brainwashed.
Thank you, this video has helped add another piece to the puzzle
@@muma6559That was the strangest thing for me too. How total strangers would show me more compassion and understanding than my own parents. I didn’t know them and they seemed more like how my idea of a real family would operate. It’s sad but also beauitful and I’m grateful to every one of them I never met in person but whom reassured or supported me
In some way that really helped when nothing else did.
Thank you Jay! "Knowing the truth scratches a fundamental itch for the scapegoat survivor." The truth will set you free, even if it hurts and p*sses you off first.
oh my god so much this.
Yes, all truth sets you free!! I’ve had to come to realizations about all my siblings. It was so very painful,but it opened a window to the personality of each one, as well as how they still viewed me. I, thanks to CZcams videos from various folks, have come to understand that I was…and still am the family scapegoat. Healing, growing, beginning to soar and they don’t like it. Oh well too bad for them. GOOD FOR ME 🥰😊.
That saying about truth is one of my favorites 👏👏👏
"They created their own nemesis , and here I am"
Such a fantastic comment. I'm going to use it as my mantra.
@@traviscorder9100 The first time I said it, was in relation to my toxic family being forced to raise me, their own nemesis. lol And thought....someone needs to put that on a Tshirt, it will sell! 🤣
I feel like many of these CZcams therapists have been observing me in secret and following my life to a T.
Perfect timing for this
I can relate to the movie a lot but I can’t relate to the Lawrence story. Lawrence was just stronger than me.
It's crazy how these people all think and act alike without taking a class or something. 😂
yeah, that's hmmmm interesting... lol
18:50 "being able to abuse their child without the concern of the impact on their child", that's really scary that there are such parents without empathy..... or guts, or both, or so broken. Please... if you don't have empathy, don't have kids
I was always the scapegoat in my family dynamic. My mother is a covert narcissist and used me as her supply and would constantly degrade me and critisize me for every mistake. When I was younger I believed I was a burden and unlovable. For years and years I never spoke out about the abuse. I thought her actions were my fault and continued to walk on eggshells around her. She made twisted narratives about me to friends and family yet they thankfully had enough empathy to still care about me. But I knew she'd say things like "my daughter is so lazy and refuses my help" yet she was never emotionally supportive and only helped me to make her look better. The "good parent" mask. I'm 20 now and spent the last 2 years growing my emotional intelligence and realized I wasn't a burden at all and regained my self-worth completely. When I identified her behavior and started dodging the manipulation and showed no emotion to her critizism she started stonewalling me, held grudges against me and told others that the problem in our relationship was my fault and that I was "hostile." Just unbelievable. She hated that I saw through her and chose to no longer be her supply.
You have done superbly well to recognise what was happening and do something about it. Wish I’d understood a lot earlier than I actually did. You’ll lead a much better life now because of it.
@@craftycalley yes exactly. I agree I wish i had understood earlier too
We have to be mentally much stronger in order to survive the cruelty but our health can suffer greatly as a result of the abuse. It's the enablers who are very weak & willing to be blind to the brutality towards one child in particular as wrong, they join in with the narcissist to save their own skin. Thank you Jay for your generosity in sharing these healing strengthening & encouraging videos its great not to feel so alone anymore💞
We’ve survived but some of us just barely to the point that we are just existing. Left with permanent damage to our physical bodies from having to be “strong” when we should have been protected.
Empathy is good. Unrestricted empathy (being an empath) is a disease, that makes a person an easy target for exploitation.
Today I’ve decide to cut off myself from last member of my family, so called mother. Even my therapist thinking I was been harsh so I decide to record every conversation with her for a month. After listening my therapist words are she has no empathy! It was relief that I felt because I was right, even when I’m 6 years old I was right, now I’m 40.
I appreciate your creative way via the recordings of validating your truth and your own perceptions.
@@seachange2512 what I’ve learned, you always have to keep your records to counter gaslighting. If not you will always hear that you are wrong bla bla or you are out of your mind, lunatic, etc.
I believe many/most therapists have yet to delve into their own family of origin issues; that’s why they don’t do a family history on the first visit. If any of the half dozen I’ve seen had it would be IMMEDIATELY FVKKING APPARENT what the core issues are. You had to PROVE to your therapist that you were abused. Isn’t that obvious based on the issues you are struggling with?!?
Oh yes, I realised this a while ago after decades of being labelled and stonewalled and cold shouldered the MOMENT I tried to communicate. Unlike my Dad, I'm strong enough to stand up for what's right. Unlike my mother I'm strong enough to live in the real world even if things aren't great.
Visits to family mean leaving thoughts, feelings and opinions at the door and entering Their World.
Beautifully said! And completely agree. Yes, you and we have a strength they simply don't have. 💪💞🙏
@@RootBound505 this 💯💯💯💯💯💯 I couldn't agree more with this statement. Sums up absolutely everything. It's ✨their world✨ 🌍💁🏻♀️💞
I call it sometimes that I was 1984'd my entire life. Or that I've experienced North Korea in family packaging. Crazy what one is thrown into in this world.
That movie clip was a great illustration of what the parent does when they want the best for their child. My mother saw this strength in me and wanted to extinguish it.
same here and she is still at it - even though i went no contact
Initially I was disturbed at the beginning when it was said the 'scapegoat child' is healthier. Later you prefaced that with 'psychologically'. I'm glad, because I've been sick my whole life due to the abuse as a scapegoat child and now I have MS. My narc mom still takes every opportunity to 'devalue and discard me' as now I'm 'weak' in her eyes, but I think she knows she's a bully.
I feel sorry for her.
You are right to feel sorry for her. Know this: your unique and outstanding character qualities were and are unbearable for her, that's probably why she picked you to be the scapegoat.
Bless your heart❤ you will always be stronger no matter what and she knows it. You will always be a threat to the feeble minded and ignorant. Sending you love sister❤
I think our mom made my older Sis sick on purpose, so she would become a nurse. Those were two constants in my life, Sis being sick and Sis having sacred nurse dolls, and toys, and costumes, that I wasn't supposed to touch or play with.
She not only knows it, but she gets off on it.
It makes them feel powerful in their sorry lives.
My sister with MS is a dead weight on the family. She drains everyone of their money and you cannot reason with her.(lesions on the brain). She's a nightmare.
To all the narcissistic abuse scapegoat survivors out there, know that you are strong, worthy and deserving!
Everything that your Narcissistic parents said to you doesn’t matter, know your strengths and be proud of yourself and love yourself!
Surround yourself with safe people, whom you can trust.
You are a wonderful, loving, smart and amazing person, everyone loves you!!
True we would have had these good qualities without the narcissist's abuse. It's why we were "chosen"
stronger (and smarter) "in how she found a way to survive the abuse" (without hurting anyone in the process)
Thanks a lot. I feel like crying over my harsh childhood and adolescent. This feeling is not belittling me now. After two years of therapy I am still learning how to be the best friend for myself.
We chose our lives. You are supposed to lean the lesson you are learning in this life. Nothing is wasted. Stay blessed. ❤❤❤
@@professorchaos9 Thank you. I am again on a therapy, so your wish of blessing is even more helpful.
@@KatrinAndHerWoolf The negative voices are always your parents voices, always recognize them. They will lose power over time. Behind that voice is your authentic voice, be open to hear it. It is always kind and loving.
Voices, pain and emptiness sometimes are too loud, but I am finding heartful people now. All the best to you.
.the innate strength of the scapegoat child terrifies the narcissistic parent.
I wish I didn't have to feel so abandoned everyday. A lot of nightmares and scares. I have been like these for so long.
It is possible to learn to be one's own best friend as well as to lovingly and tenderly re-parent the dear young abandoned one (you) to be and feel safe and secure. Nightmares have diminished for me over time. May all the resources you could possibly wish for and want to address abandonment and scary nights, come your way. It is never too late to receive what you have always deserved and needed. All the best always.
@@seachange2512 I think I truly believe the I'm begining that path. Thanks for that advice
@@seachange2512 I have been doing my own manual to scape these awkward feelings. This channel, a therapist and creating my tips helped me but it is still tough. I found out that the core wound is about losing my parents, my mother died when I was 19 and my father well is no father at all, he denied and lied and all narcissistic things that scapegoated me. If you have any idea about how to reparent myself I will be thankful. I follow this channel and look for tools but in my own way I try to sooth myself and look forward to scape. I tried with many things before and I ended to the idea that I can only do it by myself. Everything gets so messy when I try to follow other kind of manuals for example, my therapist is really awesome and is specialized in recovery from narcissistic abuse, is from Spain and he gave me a path. But then I got stuck with things that I cannot do, even when I do my best there are things that I cannot solve even with the help of the therapist. But I really want to be free. I used to be "normal" before my mother died and my father scapegoated me. Used to have friends support and a safe place. All is gone. But let's get going. Thanks for your advice. And thanks to Jay Reid. I will keep with the advices
I hope you can get the help and guidance you need. If you can, surround yourself with people who know the real you and appreciate you for who you truly are. Before you go to bed, just remind yourself of your self worth. Remember that you aren't the problem.
I was abondonned by mom for the first 12 years
I feel sad right now remembering that little girl (me!) spending most of her time racking her brain as to how she could please her mother. How she could avoid being hurt and sold by her mother. Instead of spending that time finding who she was. I'm glad I can freely search now.
I’m a licensed psychotherapist as well as scapegoat survivor who works with mostly scapegoat survivors in my practice. I think this is one of your very best videos yet, Jay! Thank you so much for highlighting in such a direct way of the strength of the skate goat and sometimes we can think they are weaknesses.
Finally someone who is understanding - feels so good! I wished I could have found this understanding in my therapy attempts many years ago (it would have prevented a lot of suffering in the past). But better late than never! There is so much good stuff now out there- and I am grateful to be able to listen to it now ! "The scapegoat child is often the healthiest member of the narcissistic family" - hard to believe and so true ! I always felt driven to the truth - and was often not liked for this, in my family and also from other people. But truth feels so good, and, yes, sets you free ! Thanks !
One must be of great luck to come across a therapist like yourself ❤
The pain of not being allowed to live in alignment with the truth. It is a sort of existential pain, for me. I ended up adding a dual major during my bachelor's degree in philosophy because of that thirst for truth. I remember reading Plato and Aristotle and it was SO comforting to have something graspable as foundational truth. Seeing values laid out so clearly in nichomechian ethics was something that i didn't know my soul had been desperately craving. A mirror to check myself with.
In my childhood home the expectations were unpredictable and i found myself the wrong or bad one in the majority of situations, regardless of involvement. I was the one separated from the rest of the family and sent to my room, seemingly according to certain "rules" that were supposedly clear but i kept somehow unknowingly and unintentionally offended. No one else seemed to be so worried or concerned about messing up, no other perfectionistic streaks in my siblings, just me. I am the only one that has chronic panic attacks and paralyzing anxiety. But they also buy into my mother's lies. 🤷🏻♀️ It hurts but i cannot control what they believe. I can only represent myself.
Thank you for this important discussion! 🙏🏻😊
One cannot reason with someone who is devoid of insight and or empathy, best to simply view such individuals as an appliance, certainly not a human
This is absolutely brilliant. Every word of it describes my life as the scapegoat. I’s like watching an audio version of a biography of my life growing up with a violent narc father. I always wondered why I had a need for the truth to be revealed, which only grew stronger as I grew older. Thank you.
This has been one of the most validating videos I have ever watched in my healing journey. I never thought for a minute that I possessed any strength (whatsoever) in my childhood, but this video made my inner child smile... ❤ Thank you so much, Jay.
Good analysis of the scapegoat child. Often the parents pick the child they perceive as strongest thinking they're able to bear the weight of being the target. But I can tell you even the strongest child can only bear so much. I fought tooth and nail to keep my head above water in a dysfunctional family. Does Brizo sleep all the time!
They probably choose the strongest child to break them down.. they enjoy, as if it’s a game or something.
No, it's not hard to believe. I always knew that I was better and stronger. I used to be GLAD I was an adopted child, because I didn't want to be as stupid and cruel and nasty as my family members. Thank you, Jay. I get so much comfort and validation from your videos.
Ditto from another adoptee. Sounds like you met my family 🙁. Best wishes
16:48 I did this, she “didn’t remember” any of it
my mom & dad are both like this
My mother has made up other history and says I have "false memories".
My mom would lie to my Dad and he just accepted it. She told him I got burnt on a candle that I had lit, and he believed her, instead of the truth, until the day he died.@@jl3268
My mom never b remembered
Same! She said "I'm making it up" and "what's wrong with me" so damaging and I believed she is a "good" mother LOL it's worse than I thought
Thank you so much for all that you do for this far too prevelant phenomenon. ❤
I was so good at taking on the responsibility of regulating my mother's emotions that when I tried to break away as an adult I was met with harsh backlash from the rest of my family. In my early 20's I moved far away and cut contact with all my blood relatives and and friends of the family. There were tears and deep sadness, but I felt no regret.
My mother is not necessarily a narcissist, but i was definitely a scapegoat. Even her compliments were insulting "youre charismatic - like your father!", "you dont understand because youre not anxious like me and your brother!" Etc etc. She needed me to be weak and unhealthy and I did internalise that and find another person to similarly abuse me after becoming an adult. It took me decades to recover from the pain of this but im through the worst now. My little brother who was the favourite, the golden child, is a wreck because hes realising now how neglected he was. Mum is overtly not interested in his children and resists having a relationship with them, she only wants my brothers support. Hes so traumatised now 😢
I wished that I could have gotten help when I was a lot younger and I did try several times. All of the therapists at that time thought the overt abuse and humiliation was just normal and I had no idea how to describe the covert psycho emotional abuse I had to endure which was the absolute worst. Both of my parents were narcissistic. I believe my mother is a malignant covert. Most people think she's nice.
Fantastic video! I appreciate your approach so much, the examples and how much you truly care about assisting people! I had a few epiphanies while watching this today. Thank you so much. 😀 I loved that you mentioned The Handmaid's Tale because while watching it when it first came out....I was relating to June, her strength and her sadness so much - didn't make sense to me at the time as to why - but now I get it!!!
I love this video. You deserve a medal.
Your videos are giving me strength thank you ❤
This was very meaningful to me today - even if I recognize I have abilities, aka strengths, I tend to downplay them - but if I see them in others I highly value them. Your presentation on this topic allows me to take credit I usually don't. Thank you Jay!
I feel like I’m continually trying to figure out how to survive my family on a daily basis. This month was especially tough, idk how much longer I can take…
I’m in the very same place as you 💔
same :(( i dont know how long ill last
Damn straight.
ℹ granted myself credit for my strength today…. ❤
Family scapegoat here too.. no contact 3.5 years, nearly 4 🎉
I'm proud of you!
Did you move out from your birth country ?
@@omartrachen6794 we all did from us to Aus when I was a child and my gc bro was 1
Congrats I walked away from mine as well a few years ago.
@@omartrachen6794 I did actually. Born in USA but moved to Australia 🇦🇺 😄🙏
You are an amazing gift! This is some deep Houdini sh* we have to work through. I thought I had turned over every stone on this subject in my life, but I see the layers are still there 12 feet deep! I am buying your courses and ready to do the deeper work.
This is brilliant , validating and mirrors so much of my experience. My only caveat is that the scapegoat is not always calm and can find their
own emotions terrifying and overwhelming , especially anger. I was afraid of losing control of going over the edge because of my feelings' intensity. I 've had many years of therapy and acupuncture to help regulate my feelings and centre myself. I am also an artist and writer so process my emotions creatively. My narcissistic mother was controlled by her violent narcissistic rages and was completely unregulated and lacking in introspection . I , her only daughter , was her target. She behaved like a victim and blamed me for all her sufferings ; l was not allowed to question her or express my feelings and grew up afraid of my own reactions. I had to control myself at terrible cost: on the inside I was an inferno. It took getting away from my mother to be able to see this objectively and begin to change the lifetime habit of blaming myself.
💯This extended by having friends who kept me with them for over 40 years knowing my family!
The friend group was an extension of the parents by guilting me to stay in their abuse by making me believe their tactics were not abusive or I should forgive and forget instantly!
It’s a lifetime prison sentence!
GOD IS GREAT, bringing me out of the “the smear campaign” that followed me, when I did leave!!🙏❤️🕊🌟🎶
Thank you Dr. Reid!
God bless you!
YES. After 20 years I have finally seen the light and cut off my own “ long time friend group as an extension of my abusers.” Thank. Thee. Lord. I can finally be free.
I see myself in almost every example, except a pro pros unrecognised strength I saw their hypocrisy which triggered my parents endlessly. This clarity ended up protecting my sanity while incurring their wrath. Somehow I chose this option as a kid over surrendering to their projections. So their projections became more subtle sowing seeds in my mind and polluting my emotional peace with sabotage and provocations. I always fought them tooth and nail over my perspective and this is what ended up revealing their hatred to me. Sucks to know you were always hated, but it would've been the worst to hate myself. We need and deserve self-compassion, patience, self-care and a calm home to live and recharge in.
All the best wishes and thank you very much for these reflections!
I appreciate the respect you reserved for yourself to not 'surrender' the projections.
Thanks Jay. This is one of the most empowering videos of yours to date! I was getting a little despondent at my deep dive into all my so called ‘problems’ that many other sources identify, so it is nice to be reminded of one’s true inner strength and resilience.
Much love to you and this community. We’ve got this!! ❤✊
Always feel alone and distant and disconnected from everybody and I never get to actually feel Joy around anybody on planet Earth yet
I’m sorry. I hope you are able to connect to the right people and feel that joy when you’re healed more perhaps?
philippagrimoire5 trying...
My dad is always determined to destroy my joy and disturb me with unpredictable psychopathic behaviours.
@@philippagrimoire5968my dad can be very envious, enmeshing and horrifying when raged when faced with truth of their hatred.
Lack of empathy and kindness and compassion.
Thinks of me as an enemy alot and seek to sabotage my mind in spite for some reason...
Regardless of the ways "former family" has transgressed, the scapegoat child is accustomed to protecting and providing, albeit from afar. At some point, however, we all must take an objective perspective on our behavior and admit wrongdoing, even if only to begin the process of self-compassion, reflection, and forgiveness.
I've heard the term "crab bucket mentality" used to describe situations where a group of people try to tear down a person (who may or may not also be a scapegoat) . For instance, I've heard recovering alcoholics say that when they tried to get sober, the other alcoholics they knew acted resentfully, or even tried to get them to start drinking again. Come to think of it, it applies a lot to toxic families, too.
today all these positive traits including empathy but the one thing that is very important also is boundaries, to keep my true self safe ,and detachment, being direct, speaking my truth, disengaging , advocating for my needs in healthy ways and and choosing available people to share my true self with / connect with share my true and get my needs 4 connection met im worth it in a good way . were worth it :)! With gentleness humor love and respect were worth it . God speed ! Were worth it. with gentleneshumorlove and respect were worth ti
Just remember, it doesn’t need to just be “your truth,” it’s the actual truth. They hate that.
@@Shayne_T I think everybody has a different style of communicationg expressing what they need to do and keeping boundaries, when I say I speak my truth and disengage well I mean it in contexts when some one is trying to provoke me usually with something a projection for instance, and I do this as a way of not stuffing my feelings but expressing what I feel and disengaging . Each person may have a way of dealing with the world basically which is safe , and feels empowering and like it completes what I need to say , and has good boundaries and allows in good people for connection also. Which is key those safe enough people where I can be my true self and get my needs for connection met im worth it in good way were worth it .:) Thanks for letting me share ;)))) God speed !
After watching this I'm now wondering if undermining me may have been the real goal when my mother repeatedly criticized me until I cried about my supposedly bad grades in high school. In retrospect they were actually quite good, and if she actually cared about my success, why did she never offer any constructive advice or encouragement or help me with college applications? College is often the reason parents care about grades. I ended up applying to ONE random college mainly because it accepted applications after all the deadlines I'd missed, and I genuinely thought I was Stupid for years despite good grades and SAT scores.
Meanwhile, my mother's literal job was helping other people's children attend the elite university she went to, and she continues to get lots of specialness supply from having attended and worked at one of the most prestigious universities in the world.
Coincidence?
So true that abusive parents act without concern for the impacts on their children.
Narcs and their fragile egos suck!
I'll take the strengths mentioned in this video over sabotaging others to feel better any day!
💪🏋♀😻😃🌱🌿💖
Well done Jay. You knocked this one out of the park. 🙏
Yes that exahustion of trying figuuring out how they veiw me (usually erronously and awfully) and then trying to figure out how I can work with it or push back is so daunting. Its degrading some of the things they think I am, and knowing theres not point in trying to get them to perceive me differently or if they even can! It was such a relief knowing that people were in thier own farcicle world and its safer they stay there than to realize anything true. But it sucks that some peoples fake realities are worth more than good people.
Wow, this video was the truth --- what we all long for and as you say, secretly know at some deeper level. My therapist told me that I was the strongest and likable, ect... when i felt the opposite. Reprogramming the mind to believe these things it is not easy. Believing these truths as well as appropriating deploying boundaries are always things I am working on. Thanks for this amazing validating and supportive video.
Many relatives have said to me over the years that they don't worry about me because I'm "just so damn independent." Sometimes it changes their thoughts on me when I point out that I never had a lot of choices about that. 🤷♂️
Sounds like they're using your strength as an excuse/justification/rationalization to neglect you.
@amberfuchs398 It's entirely possible that they are. My family is full of dysfunction, so that's how they regard any modicum of success in anyone else: "You don't seem to need anything, so I don't need to show up for you." Don't waste too much time looking for a cheerleader around this group. 😆🙄
Thank You
This video is incredibly accurate! Please never take it away from CZcams - a lot of us need it! :)
I've recently been having nice dreams about my abusive mum, is this what healing can look like?? I'm 55, she passed away 5 years ago and I went no contact with her 10 years before that. I also have removed all other abuse from my life. In my dreams she is doing nice things for me. My dreams have surprised me so much. I also felt unfelt grief for her!!!
Would love to know if anyone else has had these experiences?
Very interesting.. I would love to know what this means. Maybe you are healing and this is your subconscious allowing you to experience your mother as a loving and caring mother.. you thinking this makes sense. I have nightmares about my mother and father, but not as often as they used to occur.
@@Shayne_T I too have had nightmares for many years, but now this change. A sign of hope for us all I think. Moving beyond the limits of the abuse into freedom
@@Shayne_T maybe its because I have been praying for healing for the last year
Me too, im the scapegoat of a narc mom, and also dreaming with her, odd dreams
Hi Jay.
72 yo Grannie from South Australia here.
I think we perceive strength wrongly at times. We think of aggression and financial success as strength when actually resilience, empathy and peace making are often requiring more strength to maintain. People pleasing just to keep ourselves in the good books is a weak option but putting the correct understanding on things, that it's not always about us, not reacting inappropriately, keeping things in perspective while n
I'm reading a book right now by Karl Ove Knausgaard called My Struggle, book one. It's about his relationship with his father, who was a cruel and overbearing narcissist, although Knausgaard never uses that word. But from the beginning, it's clear that Karl Ove was scapegoated and terrorized by his father. Karl Ove is constantly on the alert about his father's moods. Recommended reading.
This is so good! The pennies from heaven are dropping … such a gift .. thanks so much!
Wow this is so spot on it’s freaky 😮. Being in this role had such a catastrophic impact on my life. I’m slowly getting better but it’s taken years to get to this position. I always appreciate your channel Jay and recommend it to others.
Interestingly, my GC apparently said to someone about me, “oh, she’ll survive no matter what life throws at her”. He realises he doesn’t have anywhere near the resilience that I do.
I was the scapegoat. My mom used to come in to my room at night while my dad was gone teaching in the evenings and would wake me up and lecture me.. and then shake me awake and ask me to repeat what she said. I would just cry and ask her to leave me alone because I had school the next day. She would leave as soon as she heard the door open and my dad got home. To this day I have no idea what she would talk to me about. In my early 40's my dad admitted he knew my mom was abusive but did nothing because she was difficult. Turns out, both my parents are narcissistic and I was the one who took the brunt from both...
Great Lesson😊 Thank you! Cute Puppy napping on the chair
You’re welcome 😊
Perfect timing ✝️👣
Thanks, Jay. All of your videos and your book have helped me immensely. Keep up the great work!
Jay you are spot on, this finally confirms my scapegoat role which always mystifies me. Both my mother and sister are very alike including their diseases at the age of 36 my sister got diagnosed with pre diabetes, later hypertension and many others etc. I am now 52 I have so far in disbelief that I am still healthy and I know one day I'll be physically diagnosed too, I have delayed their genes in me. I was constantly/consistently defying in my mind that I will never be like my mother (for CG Jung there are downers but). I always felt blamed or in trouble, bullied for crying a lot by my mother and her friends. Father was there but was not there. Most praise to my sister, not that she's free from all other abuse but my mother prefered her, a feeling that I later realized as I got older. I also put myself through university without them knowing, I had no one to tell and celebrate my "ups" in life, only the downs plus put downs. Realizing all these, my choice was to keep myself distant and minimal contact.
Your work is much needed and this video was just a great tool to help understand and even deal with ongoing ' show of power'. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you, this came at the perfect time🙏🏼💕
I can’t relate to these examples because growing up I never did anything that was worth praising…or maybe I did but my mother never said anything. I can count on one hand the amount of compliments she ever gave me in a lifetime.
It was more about neglect. But maybe worse than neglect because she was always falling apart and I had to be there for her. It was always and forever about her. I was never allowed to have a bad day. She’d get mad if I was ever in a bad mood. Always about her.
I don’t understand how a guy like Lawrence could play basketball when he was trying to survive. School activities?? Forget it. How can you do anything extra curricular when you’re busy surviving? Like your life is one giant FREEZE/FAWN
To me it sounds like Lawrence had it pretty good if he could function at all.
You were parentified, and I'm sorry. I poured so much sympathy and healing into my mom, and propped her up and defended her. the nasty old spider.
@@whereisyourhumanity7557 did you come to find later that she was just a bottomless pit and all the energy you gave was all for nothing?
That's how it feels anyhow.
I didnt realize that until I went no contact with my mom 13 years ago. When I did, I thought she would be devastated. After all, she was such an emotional wreck when I was growing up.
As it turns out, she didn't really care. She was totally fine with it. It makes me think everything I ever did for her was for nothing. She never appreciated it, never thanked me once for being there ...and in fact thinks I should be thanking her. LOL that's a good one. Yeah, thanks for the top ramen and frozen burritos. You're the best mom ever.
Anyways, thank you for your thoughtful reply. If you have any more to add I'd love to hear about your story. I'm in a particular mood lately because after 13 years my mom finally wrote me and said (drum roll) that she regretted having me. Thanks mom! That was soooo worth the wait.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It’s honestly an answer to a prayer. It’s helping me not to blame myself although I knew it wasn’t my fault but hearing it articulated makes it easier to hold onto. It's the support and the boost I really need and it really makes so much sense. Thanks you so much
I hadn't considered the buffering role we play for them as an empathy-dependent skill but you just made it so clear I don't think I'll be able to unsee it again. There were times it was as if I was their liaison to the less important people (reality) or something.
So remembering that and realizing of course they didn't really need an interpreter but feigning confusion and intolerance and superiority in that way was how they groomed me really pisses me off. I hadn't thought of it as anything more complicated than a pitiable inability to resist showing off to a grade-schooler. Ugh
Actually though then again before my halfbrother was born and I became my dad's scapegoat too he was still humiliating socially, but in different ways. Like the first thing he asked one of my friends from summer camp when I was stupid enough to think letting me invite a friend somewhere could possibly be for my enjoyment was "Hi Chris,, and what does your daddy do?"🤮 The only work he ever did was manipulating other people into bad deals including the business he ruined for me when I hadn't asked for or needed his "help". So no wonder he was insecure all the way back then--facepalm. Thanks for this.
Amazing video...and finally truth emerges.
Jay, your visdeo’s are helping me get deep healing! I am delving into my past and getting amazing insights and answers! I am so unbelievably grateful to you and to God! 😊
Oops!....Not overreacting to things, I think, are a sign of strength. I wouldn't have thought that 50 years ago but now I believe it to be true. Getting offended is a sign of weakness in us. But if someone speaks offensively to us it's a sign of weakness in them. I've learned that it's far better to respond to what they are saying by asking for examples etc rather than reacting. Hope that makes sense.
I was raised by a particularly narcissistic mother and compliant father. I married a carbon copy of my mother.
God bless you for the work you do.
Props to you for offering solutions and not only doing videos that trigger people (by then offering courses etc). I know therapists have to make money also but I can see the difference between therapists who actually care (like yourself) and therapists who are just doing it for the $ (those people make videos filled with triggering descriptions of what you have but don’t talk about solutions).
Keep doing God’s work.
I had to go against to my sister who I grew up with…after a mother (she died few years ago) was dark triad… now found out my sister is (possible more) dark triad. I went no contact after she gave me the silence treat..while she had to divide the will. ….she put her 13 year old son against me in that time, to put me in a bad daylight he’s now 18). And sees me as a bad person that did very bad things (all lies by the way).
It’s hard to get back to your strenght
God bless you Jay
I needed this so much ❤❤❤
That was absolutely beautiful to feel those parts of TRUTH within myself.
I’m really enduring the ends of my rope lately. Hopefully I’ll be getting my strength back up soon.
I have a question about what to do when another person in your group or family is being scapegoated. I have noticed this pattern not only in families, but in social groups. When I was in grad school, there was always one student who was scapegoated. During my first year, it was my room-mate. When I asked why people were so mean to her, the administrators said that she deserved it somehow, but she was no more weird or obnoxious than the other people. During my second year, she wasn't there any more, and a new person came into our class mid-year. He was immediately scapegoated. Everybody seemed to believe that there was something deeply wrong with him, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
In my family, my younger brother was scapegoated to the point that he fell apart completely: he became emotionally disabled, was never able to work, and had to be supported by my parents his whole life. He wrecked his apartment twice, and after the second time, I got a conservator for him. He never communicates with the family any more, which is probably better for him and my dad.
But since he is gone, now my sister has begun bullying me intensely. Every time the family is together, she attacks me verbally. My mother did this too for decades, but I was resilient (strong) enough to get away and survive. Now it seems that my sister is determined to make me a scapegoat, again. It's as if she believes that there must be one, and she doesn't want it to be her. I have to skip my dad's birthday party in order to avoid her. I don't feel particularly bad about this, though, because he enabled her and my mother to be his surrogate bullies.
I love the great examples you share in your videos, they often trigger repressed memories of my childhood, in a good way, my brain says, yes! That happened to me too. It helps me better understand myself now, and it's so very validating, thank you! 🌷🦄🙏
Thinking of the 3 pillars of recovery…. Gaining distance from the Narcissistic abuser. I’ve been NC with my family for many years. Unfortunately broke it just over 2 years ago when my abusive ex husband walked out.
My Narc mother had a rage at me for going NC, then took my then 16 year old daughter and myself back into the family while strategically keeping me away from my GC sister & other family members. She then kicked me out, kept my daughter in there, and replaced me in the family with my abusive ex husband. It’s disgustingly sick.
I want to stay out of it and get on with my life but my daughter is in my family now. She’s very unwell with BPD and has recently cut me off again although hasn’t done it for ages. She’s almost 19. She’s had her own issues with them.
What do I do to move on from the chaos and drama when my only daughter is in the middle of it. And now turned on me as well. This is all just too much.
You have no idea how valuable this video is. Thank you!
Another brilliant avenue for understanding antagonistic personality, and characteristics of those enduring these relationships. My goal to get back to my once very peaceful contented self, as looks sweet Rizzo comfy on the chair.😇
I look forward to it!
Thank you Jay, for having given me a sense of self within 26:27 minutes.
I appreciate your channel so much......I truly appreciate the more detailed and example driven experiences I have been hearing... I can only say for myself...that I can see when you share these interactions,.. I can see the father speaking to the son...I can visualize that interaction.....how are they so successful of getting the scapegoats to accept their delusional version of the story and narrative they want us to believe of ourselves...
you are the one teacher who speaks on how the parent uses projective identification.. I would say that was the one successful form of psychological abuse that did so much damage to my entire life including my children.
because I wasn't pushing this false narrative away ,,I felt like I developed learned helplessness and just caved...it also allowed the flying monkeys of my parents to come into play because I wasn't taking the necessary steps to get a protective order and really expose their slander campaign..I had been grooomed from being broken inside and broke down with abuse to bend to their demand to carry what belonged to them..
the projective part they put on me,... but the identification part..im not even sure how much tactics they used to get me to accept their own truths and their own fears that belong to them and have nothing to do with me.
any more teachings of that would be incredible to hear...and thanks so much..
Another great video! Thank you, Jay!
Thank you. YES. I agree with you. i spent four or so years in therapy and never heard of narcissistic abuse or scapegoating. Regardless, the things you say about me are very true.
My mother, the primary narc blamed me for being molested and tortured by my father and used the sexual abuse to justify having an affair with my husband, only 3 years youngr than her. I could write a book. Anyway, thank you.
Thank you! So important. Thank you.
Thank you Sir
Yes! Thank you.😊 You have put so many words to my experience. Thank you. I know what I experienced was merely passed down like a family heirloom quilt. ❤ I’m breaking this cycle with my son. Thank you for your assistance!!
An interesting thing I have misinterpreted, all this that you discuss in this video, is what I thought “victim mentality” meant when I first heard the term. 😂 It really means the opposite. In this video, you discuss in detail what we mentally go through to continue to be part of our families as a victim of scapegoating. But/so, It’s not victim mentality; it’s something that I have never heard talked about before. So thank you 💓
Thank you!
I've only just come to realize this!
great clip