What you sacrificed is what saves you after narcissistic abuse
Vložit
- čas přidán 28. 07. 2022
- In today’s video, let's discuss the process of reclaiming what you had to sacrifice within yourself to play the role of scapegoat.
This reclamation project is often met with deeply felt pangs of danger. I’m going to offer some explanations of where that danger comes from and what you can do about it.
Lastly, I’m going to describe a major shift in one’s purpose for living that occurs when you have reclaimed your sense of safety in being your positive and strong self.
To learn more about other aspects of narcissistic abuse and understand the complexities of the experience, get your FREE copy of my ebook, "Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat" 👉 lp.jreidtherapy.com/optin?utm...
And lastly, to kickstart your journey to recovery and finally regain the life you deserve, check out my course, A Map to Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse 👉 lp.jreidtherapy.com/narcissis...
#jayreid #jayreidpsychotherapy
yeap, it was not enough just to agree with a narc parent that we were worthless, we had to believe it and prove it to them... every day.
Constantly set up for failure, so they can tear you down. It’s farming supply.
Yes, like every minute in my case. According to them (2 narcissistic parents) every single thing I did was bad. If someone hurt me it was my fault (somehow?). These people are so destructive.
@@christar9527 evil inaide
Heart-rending, and true in my experience. So grateful Dr. Reid. 🙏
I didn't know it was a thing, thought I was alone!
@@christar9527 me too
It's taken me 40 years to realize consciously how big a threat I was to my family and why I wasn't comfortable with my own success or any compliments I received.
I hear this. I have been avoiding success. Avoiding looking good to protect myself from my mom.
I feel like the Hebrews after 40 years wandering in the desert. My mind was fragmented for so man years! Only God and my memories of someone who truly loved and cared about ME as a person (as opposed to what they could get from / exploit from me) put me back together again.
There are dents, and scars still. Some pieces will never be found. But iIm so much closer to 'whole' now than I've been for some 38 years.
@@everyonehasincommon1216 I used to wonder why I would 'self-sabotage,' going 90% then suddenly quitting; because being raised by a narcissist means shining just enough to make them look good, but never enough to outshine them.
We sabotage & punish ourselves and then when they reel us back in we go and do it all over again! I don’t get it!!!
@@Hawaiiansky11Wow. I read the first line of your thoughtful message, and I had to do a hard stop. I checked the poster name, expecting it to be mine. You literally wrote for me. Thank you. Yes the 90% stop before the finish line, and the guilt for not finishing, and the fear of finishing. Last month I wrote an exam, and for the first time in my life I handed it in as soon as I was done. It was thrilling. I was the first to finish. First time I didn’t hang back and check each answer 3 or 4 times. I’m so proud of myself. Aloha!
The costume worn by the scapegoat = Projective Identification.
The parent projects characteristics onto you and coerces you to personal identify those characteristics to be the real you.
The parent treats you as if your are a certain way, and coerces you to believe you really are that way.
You have to believe the lie in order to survive under those conditions.
Exactly. I think that’s what I said to another person here. My “parents “; were projecting their evil onto their scapegoat who was, in fact, the family empath with many excellent traits and whom, at least my father was jealous of. They had the nerve to call me “the devil “. Now at last I see it for what it was...projective identification.
@@christar9527 Knowledge is power 🎯
@@christar9527 they are evils in fact
@@christar9527 you’re
no devil you’re devil
*child* tell them that
Thank God I only believed a small portion of it. At 23 started rapping, rapped about my childhood, father, people received it well. I still do it at 36. I even have a song which is about killing my father LOL hope he heard it. I was never scared of them, though guilt and ambitions were my weak spots. They target every individual at the points that work.
Interestingly, I'm overhauling my wardrobe (courtesy of eBay) so my clothes feel more like 'me'. I'm 50 - a late developer style-wise - I'm finally throwing off the scapegoat costume, literally!! My clothes were largely dictated by my dad growing up and as a result I felt as hideous on the outside as I did on the inside. Here's to throwing off the crappy scapegoat attire and finding our true beautiful selves inside and out!! 😍
Good for you, Rachel! You must be having a great time remaking your outside! Have fun and enjoy! You deserved this a long time ago! And by the way, I love your name. If I had a girl, her name would have been Rachel.
YeaY! 🎈
👍🏻
That’s awesome!❤
Kudos to you!
I had two identities: the scapegoat at home and the well rounded person outside the home. In elementary school I loved my teachers. I gravitated toward my teachers because they were kind compared to my borderline mom who was verbally abusive. My dad ignored me and my siblings while pursuing his altruism with church work. When I got older the phrase “keep your house in order” resonated with me because my dad pretended to be this kind person while neglecting his children and to a degree his wife. Although it was difficult to feel sorry for my mom because she was so abusive. Yet we had to listen to her “victim” stories on loop.
It was the adults (non-family members) that recognized my gifts and talents. From teachers, to youth pastors and the parents of my friends. All of them treated me with respect and regularly told my parents what a good kid I was. My parents often nodded in agreement but I could see how angry they were.
Outside the home I didn’t have to wear the costume of the family loser, the family clown, the family joke. This is why my mom would spiral and sabotage every special event in my mom life. Later, when my sister became the golden child she joined my mom in the sabotage.
In order survive in the home I became the family people pleaser and work horse. Saying no was not optional, either through guilt trips or coercion. Since going no contact the biggest shedding of the costume was setting firm boundaries and saying “no”. I no longer feel obligated to help family, friends, coworkers, neighbors or strangers. Before having boundaries in my life I felt as though I walked around with an arrow pointed toward my head that opportunists could see. Having boundaries means listening to your natural discernment and not ignoring it because of your default response to people please. I’m learning to weed out opportunists, new and old, more and more since I’m no longer the easy mark.
My story is something like yours and the first thing I learned was...boundaries. I had NONE both by nature but especially by “nurture”. I was not allowed to think, feel, want or need anything of my own. Neither one of the parents would allow it. I still feel strange and like I’m doing something wrong if I have these things on my own. I’m trying to check myself, notice it and tell myself I’m doing nothing wrong. I hope I’m making sense.
I hear you so loudly 💘
@@christar9527 yeah totally.
In fact your articulation of
“it” is helping me see me too.
Disgusting parents. If people
knew how disgusting these
Mothers and Fathers are
they would have no friends.
They deserve to rot in jail.
Mothers and Fathers who
treat their daughters and
their sons like this are an
abomination and disgust
everyone
🤢 🤮
I love your comments, Tania. I resonate with this one as well. It was exactly what I experienced too. I was the "family joke" - a bumbling fool who couldn't get anything right and everything was blamed on me. Outside, my friends and teachers loved me so much. I cried at my graduation because I found the most loving, supportive people but had to leave them. Of course, borderline/narc mother had to make me cry and got mad at me for crying. She ruined a happy day for me.
I was a writer and poet from a young age. I became too successful. A local celebrity at 19, making money and getting jobs just from my talent. I didn't know it that then but she was so jealous and envious she overwhelmed me so much, that I just stopped. I stopped writing. I left my friends, and my community in order to please her. I found my power again. I back myself 100% and after some time of working on myself, I will publish my work. She won't stop me this time.
I realized these people were wrong about everything in life, including who they said I was. I can see my mother is very intimidated by me. I can tell by her stares. Perhaps that's why she tried to destroy me. It was very very very hard to admit your own parents can be jealous of you and want to sabotage you. But once I understood that, there was no going back. I no longer consider them parents. I love and protect myself first. No species deliberately try to destroy their offspring.
You just wrote my life story. Amazing how similar our experiences are.
Shrinking myself to spaces where I no longer fit has been a tough lesson. I’ve learned to believe in my own talents but also be my own advocate in a firm but pleasant way.
Something that has thrown me into a full on freeze response in the past is if someone exclaims something positive about me, especially in front of others - it jolted me to the core. It's as if they have not seen the scapegoat costume and in the moment it feels dangerous. I have then been very embarrassed and confused about my response, and ashamed. This video really helps me understand, thanks a million Jay! 🙏❤️
Yes there is a great deal of insights in this video.
Thank you. You have explain that beautifully. 🙏bless
If someone compliments me, I literally think they're lying🤷♀️🤦♀️
@@e.1766 Same here, and usually find reasons to prove that I don't really deserve that compliment... as if hearing a compliment makes me anxious and afraid of sth...
Race and class played a very twisted role in my family. I was not white enough, and my mother did not even think I was hers, when she first saw me. I was treated like a changeling, and she began to slut-shame me, before I even figured out what sex was. She blamed me for my father’s grooming and sexual assault on me, and was jealous.
My father was violent and went into unpredictable rages, in which he would beat us, while she sat and coldly watched this traumatizing abuse.
When I told her I was afraid of him, she was offended, and responded, “Don’t you think he’s a little afraid of you?” I didn’t know to ask wtf, but damn.
If you’re watching this, please understand that you have the truth of your treatment. Your body and mind are telling you that truth. Don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be afraid to be strong, and project that. If you are living through anything like what I did, you’re already stronger than all of them, because you survived. Don’t let them make you afraid of your strength, or you talent, or your gifts. You, alone, have a right to all that. You have the right to shine.
You are an amazing lady. To have endured that and not also become like them. I salute you. Xo
@Eed You are certainly on the right track. What’s weird about my appearance is that I look a lot like her, as well as my dad. My hair was fine, like hers, and I inherited her green eyes. She was crazy in love with my father, and it just about destroyed her to have to leave him. Her guilt was about what she allowed him to do, and she was also jealous that he molested me, and hated me for it. She did nothing to stop it.
Being rejected from that herd is probably the best thing for me. I would not want to be the kind of people my family would accept.
That was beautiful. Thank you so much.
Beth Moore 💚. Peace & Health. Thank you for sharing. You are amazing to have come through so much cruelty
That last part was so amazing, sometimes our self worth is buried so deep. When I started at a new school at 16 my perception had gotten so distorted that I thought non of the people in my class liked me, that they didn't want to be around me. It turned out that wasn't the case at all, they had tried to include me. I'm thankful for that awakening to the truth, it shows how we in a way can turn against ourselves. Thank you for sharing❤️
Wow, well said once again. The “costume” we wore…. ugh! Verbally berated whenever we were actually pleased or proud of a hard earned accomplishment. It is so helpful to have actual words to describe the patterns that were present.
I was an actress wirh a costume shop. Jay , I woke up this morning crying and wishing I could take a pill to be normal. This is just what I needed. Thank you again. Maybe someday. I'm 68.
me too
Awww 😢
It's NEVER too late!!! I just turned 50 and have decided that I'm going to give myself all of the kindness and compassion and love that has been withheld from me my entire life from family, romantic partners and many (badly chosen) friends. I'm really excited for the future. I don't care about relationships anymore. I have God and animals and that is good enough for me. No more abusive, toxic people again.
@@cathybutcher4826 me too
@@sll110 Be kind to yourself and treat yourself the way others should have treated you all along. 🤗
in addition to not displaying any indications of strength or autonomy, another adaptation i learned growing up with an abusive narc mother was to never show any indication of being relaxed, excited, happy, or in any kind of good mood, as this would always be targeted with more abusive behavior to make sure you werent happy any more. every moment of every day you maintain a constant vigilence to not smile, laugh, hum, sing, anything that would make you a target. if engaged in conversation you make sure to maintain a dour demeanor. if asked how you feel you make sure to not report that anything is going well for you, but also try not to sound like you are ever vying for the victim crown, because that is theirs and theirs alone and that would be targeted also. if i am watching tv and laugh out loud i instinctively catch myself real quick as if i am living in a scifi movie where a monster will come eat you if you make a noise or give any indication that you exist. what insanity. i hate insane people and the damage they cause with every fiber of my being.
It's amazing how blank we have to go to not be harassed or abused. They really, really do a number on your emotions, or lack of emotions from going blank for years! I still talk to my 86yo narc mother, but I hate her w every fiber of my being for the things she's done and that I can't talk about it to this day without her exploding. I'm frustrated that I can't bring up things with her. At least just a few that really bother me. Frustrating.
I think that's why we learn to numb out and dissociate; to 'hide" any real emotion. When we do it long enough, we block out real expressions of emotions, trying to emulate them to fit a situation.
What I was left with, was a ready-to-boil-over-at-any-minute rage. Anger was acceptable. Everybody was angry all the time in that house; constant yelling, swearing, put-downs, screaming at the top of our lungs, there was always some element of that, every single day, exacerbated during holidays. Only this past year and a half at age 52-53 have I been able to feel and understand the entire gamut of human emotions, and still struggle to find the descriptive words for what I feel at times.
My GC brother did admit recently that the house we moved into in 1978 (I was 8 at the time) has "a darkness" to it. It seemed to me that while life in the old house / farm was not necessarily idyllic, it was far better than the living nightmare in the new, pretty house on 5 acres. That is the sign of a demonic presence, which makes me wonder if a previous owner (only one before we owned it) conjured up something that took residence there.
@Hawaiiansky11 yes living in an environment like that and contorting yourself like that for so long combined with the insanity of eternal denial and gaslighting leaves you with a hefty helping of rage. In addition to fully coming to grips with the seemingly unlikely reality that everyone in your life is insane even though youve been told your whole life that youre the broken one, the other main way I've overcome the rage is to also understand that such people are essentially scared insecure immature children. I see them as spiritual infants. Its not a matter of just figuring out the right way of explaining things to them. They cant be reached because theres nobody home, nobody who is your peer anyway.
With respect to presences and such, Ive come to understand that our world is managed and controlled by (usually) unseen forces. They seek to influence and manipulate our thoughts and actions. One of their many manipulations is to appear to people as angels or demons based on their beliefs, depending what kind of effect they are trying to have on you.
I lived that way with my husband. Once I asked him, why does it seem like you get mad at me when I am happy? He said, “because I feel like it’s not fair that you’re happy, and you should be making ME happy.”
I hate them too, I consider them (at this point in my life) a real threat to my growth and pure pure evil. I want nothing to do with them and cleansing my life starting with my mind. I hate them all. Bunch of talentless worthless empty nobodies. I still feel so much anger and aggression in me, especially now understanding I was the scapegoat, it all makes sense. Well now is MY time to build. I don’t even have enough emotion to spare for them at this point. I need as much as I can get, giving them no more. Thanks for sharing your point of view and I wish you much healing going forward, always ❤
Being who you were meant to be, is self peace for the soul, after years of suffering, I've never heard anyone talk so knowledgeable on this subject, as good as this man x
Here I am 30 years old living at my sober narcissistic mother's. Her feeling like a hero as i play the role. This is probably the worst place for me to heal
All scapegoats hav a strong discerning spirit they learn dismiss to survive in dysfuntional family. scapegoats should expose lies in the cult system.and do it without fear and just walk away.
This was such a powerful video Mr. Reid. I am currently in therapy partially to heal from narcissistic abuse and I relate so much to your content. Your videos are so validating and one can tell and feel that you truly understand narcissistic abuse. I hope you know that you are helping so many people to deeply heal.
You are a light in the pitch black darkness, Jay
You are wonderful, Jay. I was also that 'scapegoat' and 'truth-telling' child. Thank You for bringing out these precious videos. Yvonne
I still tear up when I remember his gentle voice saying, "You were not chosen as scapegoat because you were so bad. You were chosen because you were sooo, good!" Remember that.
Excellent points about how our recovery lies in acknowledgment of strengths we already possess, but were too dangerous to express around the narcissist. You are already whole! Thank you, Jay, for sharing your gifts of knowledge and insight, in a way that is accessible and genuine.
What! We’re whole!?!
But to waste our life
*pretending* to be less
WOW that makes sense
@@falsehoodbasher7240 those demons feelings, equal to them makes them feel threatening, so have to less to those evils
This channel saves me!. You understand being a scapegoat so well. Were you one?
I believe Jay grew up in a family with narcissists.
Right
I remember when I tried to tell my parent I was suicidal from bullying and depression and I kept telling her I was having dark thoughts but I was afraid to tell her about them because I didn’t know what she would think of me. Her response is one that defines our relationship. “ So what your going to go shoot up a school? Is that what your trying to tell me? She started accelerating the car and I hysterically cried the entire way home to think someone thought that low of their child… that internalized shame like in her eyes I was already a criminal…..
I'm so sorry you had to go through that and weren't helped through that in your life. I was thinking of taking my life as a teen and could never tell my mother about any of it. I was sobbing (silently) hiding under my blanket in my room one day and she pounded on my door (we weren't allowed locks on our doors, of course, narcs don't respect privacy or boundaries) and just barged in. She yanked the covers off and asked what the hell was wrong with me and what the hell did I have to bawl about. She was completely disgusted with me. She didn't wonder or even think to ask what could be wrong. We were either shamed or beaten for a tear falling. I still, almost daily, wonder how I survived that household. Thankfully wr have help like this to rely on now. I hope you have peace and happiness in your life now.
Had a mother like what you're describing. & I do Pray God send these ppl to Hell Today. I don't want to be that angry, I want to Forget & Get Over. Let me know if You want a New Friend, I'm Here👋❤️👍
I tried to off myself the day my narc-momster and her narc-momster tortured me. She said with almost a delighted tone, "Oh, no you don't!" As if to say, "If you dii, I'll be the one doing it, not you."
And TBH, if we did come to an unfortunate end, it would only serve to feed their demented egos, so they could extract sympathy from others, for THEIR poor, sad fate.
We had to pretend to be bad (or average) at things were were gifted at in order to survive. The idea of competing to win at the level we are capable of meant getting abused.
the costume is deep. This is deep. Its not just the stitching on the costume that blurs into your skin, its also the color, shape, material, etc. Also there are SOME nice-feeling aspects of the costume, as it cant be 100% evil/bad otherwise it would kill the person's soul, so it has to be survivable to a certain degree, therefore it has some decent aspects. This creates cognitive dissonance. Jay please help us address this dissonance that make it harder to reject ALL aspects of the costume. Thank you,
Your videos are amazing. Thank you. I feel seen for the first time in my 60's.
me too
Me three
Let’s simplify some of this. It can scary to be proud and to enjoy success…or even to move toward these things … because of fear of narcissistic parental attacks. This becomes internalized and can even lead to avoiding success in order to avoid inner parental criticism (internalized critical parental voices. That is, negative irrational thoughts and beliefs). This clearly could contribute to procrastination.
In the past I hid my adult financial success from my family of origin as they shifted between the topic of me being a financial failure OR they would call or email me demanding I financially support my adult mother. This went on for decades. I internalized this dynamic and have had to consciously accept my strengths and successes with consistent awareness practices.
Just imagining my success as a writer created a panic attack. Mild, but a marked response nonetheless. After all my years of working on myself I feel as though I have unearthed my biggest obstacle to worldly success. Myself. As a backgrounder, I was both the Invisible Child and the Scapegoat.
But then it depends on the broader environment you had to live in as a kid, when your adaptive behavior to the abuse makes you the target of further abuse from strangers like bullying at school for ex , it’s difficult to not identify with the costume anymore: I was terribly bullied at school , yes those schools are usually badly managed and the staff do have an influence on the toxic ambiance because of their indifferent behaviors and objectifying of the kids, so no one gives truly a damn about the kids well-being , it’s a societal problem in my country
I just need to tell you how unbelievably succinct and explict I find your descriptions of this relationship is. You are a gift to you tube people desperately looking for access into the world of mirrors that have been created for them by narc parental relationships Jay. Thankyou earnestly.
Your content on narcissistic abuse is absolutely exceptional, and you come up with such great and unique topics! Thank you so very much- on behalf of all survivors of narc abuse.
Can you talk about society using scapegoats? For example, blaming immigrants/LGBT/minorities for economic/social/cultural problems, etc... and how minorities can protect and heal themselves from this hostility/brainwashing/abuse
Such an important subject. Have you written anything yourself? It might be healing if you could. The world would benefit from your experience and knowledge.
this explains soooo much. i always cycle between being on top of the world, sure of myself, fully in touch with my potential to “self-sabotage” and restlessness and indecision and angst. over and over. thank you for sharing your insights about the “costume" and the need for it so thoroughly and clearly. i really wish this was common knowledge, taught to kids in high school and college or something. it is so weird to me that i’m finding out the very key to all my pain and problems from youtube videos at age 55. but i’ll take it. again thank you~
Same.
I'm writing this a couple of days after this video was released. The night before it was released, I had a harrowing nightmare. I was in a world were Ideologues were seizing people off the street. Using ... makeshift surgery, and some kind of tape, they would attach a whole face. It would suggest to people outside the organization that there were more of them than there really were. And to be sure it was a significant part terrorism.
If you looked in the mirror, or tampered with the face... or even told anybody that it was a mask, the punishment was "two quick snips." (Castration.)
Unable to go back to sleep, I had plenty of time to try and figure it out. Eventually, I came to understand were it came from. My narcissist mother was a a religious "enthusiast", that "face" (I figured) was what we had to show to the public to let them know what a wonderful blessed family we were. And yes, to speak out meant facing her wrath. What took me longer to figure was the castration part. But that part was very dark indeed. at the simplest level... If I didn't agree with her, I wouldn't be able to find a wife... "Not even an squaw." (Even in the late 1960's that kind of racism was frowned on.)
I got up around 6:00 am and listened to this video... and while Jay's idea of "costume" may be a little more "palatable" than a whole face... this video was an amazing comfort after a sleepless night... And truly Jay, it is more of a face than a costume... Costumes are so easy to remove! All growing up I was told who I was. It is hard learning who you are in your fifties.
Or in your forties in my case.
Or sixties in mine, but I have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER since the discard
Thank you that clarified much for me when growing up in unsafe environments. I noticed a trend a common thread among narcissists I've encountered is seeing people in terms of market value rather than intrinsic Worth. Eg: they find out you come from a horrific childhood through learning as your share about yourself. Then they tell the family who interrogates you at a dinner trying to expose you and uncomfortably you verify its true. Then their response is this is just like such and such's experience who wrote a book about it. Why don't you write a book 📚 you could go on Oprah. It causes me to feel raw resentful discounted like my experience is fodder for the sensationalistic pleasure of others who've been more priveledged or fortunate.
I see what you are saying.
I have had this happen, but the family then started finding ways to use my background against me. Like any negative trait I had, that must be the reason why my family treated me the way they did.
The example about "Bruce" ... whenever I get in a good mode - getting art and designs done and/or a good mood - life is feeling good - I seem to "fall apart" for a while. Good news is these periods are possibly getting shorter in duration. It's so affirming to understand that there is probably a reason for this, something from my childhood!
Wow this was deep…thank you for your insights…I remember feeling shame for sharing some of my accomplishments, or the things I was up to to improve myself in life and either was not rewarded and/or encouraged in a incongruent fashion, by my parental figures. There were often times words of encouragement with sarcastic undertones and negative connotations. This created cognitive dissonance and a repetition compulsion to seek their approval and base my self worth on the underlying connotations and or insults. This generalized into other areas of life as well…sort of a blueprint for how to interact with others, feeling shame for sharing your excitement about things, or your interests, thinking you will be judged…and you can’t risk that…rejection is bad…be a follower not a leader…etc…
You understand the topic and plight of the family scapegoat better than anyone I’ve come across. I just looked at your course information and you said that you were, in fact, your family’s scapegoat. I really want to take your course. I’m on disability and can’t afford $497. Is there a way you could enable those who can’t afford it in one lump sum to set up a payment plan? Thanks so much Jay. You’re the best.
Ask if he takes insurance!
I’m looking for a therapist
Listen to all the free videos, they cover so much! And meditate every day. Save your money, it’s needed for peace of mind. Bless you.
My guess is he has a full dance card.
Can you do a video about how narcissistic mothers neglect their scapegoat child (son) for her spouse and also condones physical abuse?
I am now no contact at 37 years old. I wasn’t aware she was a narcissist until I had my own child. I then started to think about the trauma in my childhood and how she talks to me with anger and how she never smiles or gets excited when I’m around. It makes so much sense now. I always knew we didn’t have the best relationship and that something was off with her.
Right. Like our *presence*
wasn’t anything to make a
fuss over. Bitches 😒 *it is*
I protected my daughter and son from my abusive mother, as best as I could. The little exposure they had left its mark. Neither child was negatively affected beyond the unpleasantry. Mission accomplished!
Now I get to give myself what I gave my two offspring. A happy childhood through a technique called “reparenting.”
Your work and personal evolution is quite amazing! Thank your for your efforts and synthesis.
🤯wow. Just wow. This message is revelatory. Thank you, Jay.
Brilliant! This step brings immense joy & growth to be able to experience the act of standing in my true being. For me, recognizing a slight and addressing it the next day with no anger & logic to another is super huge. I am soaring…🤩
I am deep in thought about what you’ve said, Jay. Making a list would be revealing and powerful along with identifying ways to reclaim oneself. Wisdom will be needed for some areas particularly in not poking angry snakes with a stick (ie the narcs). I am treated like a dangerous person by my very existence to this day and while a part of me still shrinks in terror (I suspect the trauma injuries) another part of me acknowledges and accepts that I am indeed dangerous, but only to the lies in their heads. What is it that scapegoats are born with that saves them from becoming narcissistic as well? It’s mystifying how some see through the crap and survive.
True it is amazing to survive it.
You have helped me so much. I just want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I wish you the happiest life. I hope I can buy you a drink one day.
I’ve always felt like I had a radar for picking up on any vibes of envy/jealousy-this might be inter-related to what Jay’s discussing. And doing my best to diffuse those feelings by being self deprecating and playing down my role in any successes. I never wanted anyone to possibly feel threatened and then have it in for me.
Also was aware since day 1 that I was the only one in my family who could tolerate being teased! I’ve been a great sport in that department! Only very rarely, and VERY gently, have I ever teased anyone! And I always check myself first, asking myself if it’s worth the risk! It’s usually not.
I sacrifice mY health.
I’m *actually* perfectly
Healthy
🤷🏻♀
It is a really good idea that you talk about looking and choosing „safe people“ around you. It is essential as well the cut off from abuser(s). Safety indeed is the main issue!
I‘ve been in no contact some months now and more than ever, the whole pickture about how they have bullied me and how much it has harmed my life has revealed to me. Every day I realise something new. My whole body is stift, I think it is all that concentrated trauma during decades what causes it. I do yoga, oh, it is difficult but it helps.
The total separation (I have taken distance before, limited my visits and phonecalls, but every time the contact pulls me to the starting point) has allowed me to see also other kind of people around and I have written a list of things that I really love to do and little by little starting them again. EVERYTHING is changing. I look that even hiw I dress, is in some way under class, even in my dressing I have put myself down.
I changed the job and the city where I live and I have now the most fantastic workmates than I have ever had. They are at least half safe. Everything started to shift when I started no-contact, even thozgh I still grief things I lost. They manipulated my daughter against me. She became a flying monkey.
But, as whole, my life is now more peaceful than in decades! I have had many fluent happy days without distractions. I can be happy even one week contionously! Before itcwas nax three days and then the catsstrophe hit. So during those theee days I was already expecting someting terrible to happen. But now, one week or more can go on in peace and harmony. 🕊
This explains so much about the deep seated emotions that are hidden.
As children we carry these hidden views into adulthood because we accepted what we were told which kind of forms a shell of a personality.
The good things experienced as adults get clouded with how unworthy we are therefore that same track runs in our brains always feeling like nothing was adding up.
Children are rarely raised to develop their own identity and flourish in it.
Taking on a false identity is a means to survival if that's all you've known or been taught.
For me, I am so happy just being me, finally.
I am met with much opposition and even bullied for having my own opinion. The great thing is, now I don't care as I realize that people and their opinions come from their lense, not mine.
It might always be hard but it does get easier with years of selfwork and self love.
In last night's dream i was teaching yoga. The dream dictionary says "conflict in the soul". Uncanny how accurate. It was uncomfortable to read. Then, i end up here. Tears stream as i write. I use to laugh & play. What happened to me. This straight-jacket needs to come off. Today there's anxiety, guilt in my blood. It's not everyday...but, like a family ghost pops up...i miss the people whom i don't trust. Mother was my cheerleader, she's gone. Siblings who scapegoated me- i no longer contact. I'm, not yet effortlessly positive, nor effortlessly focussed like in the past. Up one day, down the next. The fear is of just being me.
Yeees! *A fear of being me.*
You said it yes you did girrrl
Thank you so much for these incredibly insightful videos Jay. Can you make a video about scapegoated people who are middle aged but still living with a narcissistic family?
I have a video for you. It’s called “Get the Hell Out of There.” And never look back.
Before a life threatening heart surgery, my mom asked me 'what my Agenda was'. I got that same level of Terror I had when I would get sick/injured as a kid, & my mom mocking me saying 'Do you want me to call you a Priest honey(laughter)'. I told her I was Afraid of her. She tried to hit me while driving & almost crashed the car. My mom literally told Every Family member to (berate me/make fun of my illnesses so I Stop Faking them). I'm pretty sure I'm going to die in a few years, bc I have no one now but this mother who's trying to kill me. She/my dad used to beat me & laugh at me when I was sick or if I got hurt. I broke my pelvis in half in a car accident (wasn't my fault); my dad put me in a basement, then drove me to my mom's. She forced me to get a job instead of taking me to a DR. I got no medical care besides the ambulance who scraped me off the road. I'm still the 'bitch' for 'doing all this' to my mom/parents. I honestly wish I would win the lotto & Run, & they would just die. My twin brother treats me the same. I don't want to feel like this, I'm just being honest🤷♀️🤦♀️
Hugs. I'm so sorry you went through that! It's horrible! 😱😭
Sadly, you are not alone. Before the age of five, I got sick with the German Measles and then the Mumps after my vaccines. I was stripped naked in my underwear and put on a stripped down mattress with no blankets or pillows in my bedroom that had everything removed. I was shut in that bedroom hungry, thirsty, cold, and feverish. A bowl of soup and glass of juice would show up but a bit out of reach from the mattress. I was so weak I barely could crawl to the get the juice. And that was just the beginning. I really don't know what is wrong with some parents.
I'm so sorry you went through such a horrible treatment when ill. I hope your surgery went well. 🤗😢
Told or feeling your are good at something feels like terror, and disobedience because a tirade of abuse and "bad things" would happen, so safer to be unsure. Thanks jay, best explanation of this dilemma and difficult but necessary road to healing.
You're welcome. Keep going!
The malignant narc borderline mother did this to me. She convinced me to take on the role and she also convinced all family members and close family friends that I was a worthless monster deserving of her contempt. I am 3 years no contact with all of them now. I feel free day by day. Have had deep down times though realizing all this and facing it. She stole my life from me and worse, brainwashed me to sabotage myself. I'm ready to cut off a relative who I thought was sympathetic when she distilled my life down to me being the pretty one and the golden child being the smart one. How insulting.
The entire cabal of the narc family and friends is truly a cult.
Jay, you are so articulate and spot on. Excellent video.
Jay has summed it up pretty well, and would add that not only scapegoats assume they are bad but also deal with terror of doing bad so best do nothing or strive to do right by narccist.
Could you do a video about narcissistic siblings?
He has done many discussing this.
this resonates with me and feels painful to look at.
When I express my opinion on a topic important to me and my values, (which I do reluctantly on occasion)
even if the recipient shares similar values, and even if I felt initially that what I wrote was good and sound communication, I will go back and reflect on what i wrote and start to feel wrong for expressing my opinion and for having thought that what I wrote was good and sound communication
My voice. My presence is what I sacrificed. I seem to be the only one who was treated this way.
This is exactly what I'm going through. Thanks for putting it into words....
It is so incredible to see what this does to great people. Reading the comments is staggering. What is more evil than that?? We cannot allow this type of thing to grow, thank you so much for all you do Jay! It helps so many and brings light to a lot of dark corners!
Thank You so much Jay 😁 This video really hit home. I excelled as a child and I was well thought of by family friends. My mom would not allow me to claim my worth. She was / is extremely cruel. She denied my good qualities and re- assigned them to herself and my entitled lazy sibling. They taunted & bullied me for many years. My mom denied my qualities and was dismissive. But she took the actual qualities and my characteristics and tried to make them her and my sibling's truth. I am still angry about the " scapegoat costume" these 2 mutants made me wear. I am no contact and taking my life back 😁 Thanks Always for telling it like it is.
You've helped me understand myself. I thought it was weird that I would feel so nervous and over stimulated after a compliment. Your book is awesome
I always wanted to be a subtle, feminine woman. Meanwhile I am not. I had to be touch stuff to survive. I observe me cute neighbour and I always think - "Wow, if only I could be like her....".
Jay, thanks for updating your mic and audio settings. You sound crisp and clear! Thank you for your videos and please continue to make them.
Thank you Jay.
thank you for these videos they bring up a lot in me . Ive been 3 years in healing from childhood trauma and it was narc abuse precisely as a scapegoat. Community is so important. I had a safe enough sponsor like person that started modeling gentler ways of talking to myself, as well as modeling healthy boundaries to me , the healthy NO , and self protective instinct . Its so good that there is so much community out there right now around narc abuse. 12 step groups are places that have narcisistic people and they are still enabled. Even there is one that talks about childhood trauma but there can be spiritual abuse and bypass there, because tecnically speaking narcisits come from trauma so they """" qualify """"""" but they often keep doing there abuse there. In any event. This sponsor modeled reparenting and boundaries to me, when i started setting boundaries i met my inner child better and more clearly, i promised i would defend him. I was coerced by a narc parent to self- abanon, and i promised that inner child i wouldnt do it anymore i would protect him and keep him safe and be his voice when he needed me to speak up for him. Expressing healthy anger/boundaries, to take my space , defend my rights. In any event. I also reparent nurture and love , and try to play , and have fun with that inner child, and connect with safe people authentically where i can keep showig up as imy authentic self. Nice healing process. ..... Yes, its possible to have this impostor syndrome as you said in the video. I often think about speaking up even more publicly about narc abuse , but it would splash family members. So i havent done it. Some people write books about it. We're trying to get into thriving and purpose, and championing what it was. Ive felt many moments ive been in thriving. But i dealt with some narcs last year , that complicated things a little, but i guess my trauma recovery that i had been doing for 2 years took a turn to become informed about narc abuse and now i can see the redflags really fast, set boundaries, and disengage quickly from narcs. That being said, yeah thriving, It really good to have fun and rest, and the survivor may. feel like he needs to be doing something productive all the time. I soothe my inner child and know it isnt true and i know i am enough, and i am worthy and deserve respect, and i now know how to assert it too. Still figuring out what to do with my life a little but, it does give insight into the impostor syndrome, or uncomfortable around success. Because we are good enough for sure, and have great things to share with the world, and as part of the healing procecss, once we have solid foundations which may look like the journey i mentioned and shared above, "i.e" boundaries and selfcompassion. Support network and a footing in healing, it may be gently time to get out there to share our gifts or whatever our talents, or whatever with the world, and .... the impostor syndrome ofcourse, that part, can be loved and held, and reparented!!!! as was said. Insightful video today a little more indepth to the famous impostor syndrome, that survivors and thrivers may have to heal and love and nurture and understand :) We're worth it !!!! We can have success, deserve respect, know how to assert it---- and have good relationships.... odaat ... with gentleness
Thanks & good job. Healing is tough. The narcissists try to keep you down & stuck. Ugh. This is an uphill journey, but I look forward to better days.
I remember how no one called out my good traits but only the bad ones. I was made to feel like the worst.. By my mother..
Relate
Also about not being able to do things without "their help"...
omg, i just realized that my scapegoat identity is that im "too much emotionally" but really my parents were emotionally underdeveloped and in their own misery from childhood and not liking each other or their own lives... so now that im an adult i realize how torturous it feels when you feel like crumbs and someone else needs you... it feels like you don't have what it takes to show up and it feels like resentment and even paranoia they attuned to the degree that they were able to and for my dad that was about the percentage of not abandoning the family, being responsible for finances and household repairs which i wish could have covered my needs, it is a lot of providing and commitment. it is his 100% i still feel abhorrence towards him, though and that is like a lead suit that i wear yuck
i really appreciate the hopefulness and integration of approaching this via 3 pillars that structuring feels calming somehow
I realise now why so meany times Iv been looked at strange and repeatedly targeted by toxic selfish people is because I didn’t know that these types existed and that I was and must have been and amazingly still am a kind, caring empathetic person against all the odds.
So much bitterness, I just ignored it all my life and I admit it has made me angry as a tall powerful male but I’m a good man. Being beaten subliminally all your life by so meany toxic damaged fools is frustrating.
Thank you for your top work. I’m well on my way. You are a legend 🤘
Thank you.
I am aware of what and why I sacrificed. However, my fear is so deeply ingrained that I don't know how to get it out of my system!
We aren't worthless or useless though. We never have been, never will be.
Growing up feels like a series of invisible anchors that attach and take hold, weighing you down over time. Self actualization feels like realizing that you have anchors attached to you and that they can eventually be removed, no strings attached. Going from the assumption that everything is wrong with you to realizing that nothing is inherently wrong with you at all.
Amen
I am the scapegoat, my mom is truly evil
Oh sh-. That example hit hard because that was exactly why I stopped writing.
Im looking forward to healing the inner child, trauma of being scapegoated in childhood and into adulthood. This video Jay is an awakening,thank you for illustrstrating how Narcissists undermine your value as a human being.
Excellent. Thank you. Peace To All.🙏💕✨
I get so emotional watching these videos because I feel like he is talking directly to me. ❤❤❤
I feel so seen.
Thank you for this, Jay. This explains why I suppress my talents...being compassionate and patient with myself is soomportant to create that atmosphere of safety. THANK YOU!!!🤗🤗
That’s funny you mention the theatrical element of being a scapegoat haha 😆 The other day I had a dream I was the lead role in a play about the first crucifications 🥲 I woke up and I was like that wasn’t exactly a dream 💭 🤔
That was nuanced and skilled. Thank you for naming the aspects.
I have a question, Jay. I wonder about the impact of scapegoat’s brokenness upon their own children. It takes time to heal and some don’t, so what are our shortcomings and failures generally that we visit upon esp our children, and how do we best make amends for it?
Could you speak about reverse abandonment that a parentified scapegoat child deals with with while having a fawn/fight survival stye and yet a fearful avoidant attachment style . please
Thank you for your videos. It's still overwhelming to contemplate the incredible sacrifice of my identity at 55 but I am so grateful I see a ray of light through this profound smokescreen and gaslighting. It took me a narcissistic girlfriend who discarded me with no closure, to then recognize my own childhood as the scapegoat. For years I've agonized about the triggered rage at similar feeling but often innocuous situations, discomfort when I felt good AT ALL and the insane insistence on family that I just play a role when it was like suicide to my own self esteem. And now with the last living (but somewhat ailing) narcissist parent it feels even more guilty to stand up as I am branded even further as selfish. But I MUST. I have been trying to escape this hell since I was a teen, and this is so long overdue, and my own bodily pain will not allow me to forego my own wellbeing any longer as it screams for attention; especially predicated upon family understanding any of this, regardless of how needy a narcissistic parent may be. It just came up in me so strong as I've been in a fog for the last month and a half as this parent has violated my boundaries and trust again and again in the present. And I could not only NOT give to them the support I never received in my childhood, what I had was this incredible rage. It's as if it has all come full circle and their task is complete, and I look like the narcissistic monster to family. It's just so sick to know I have been a sacrifice for another person's ego as a child which has traumatized me with toxic shame to my core. But yet still, I don't blame anyone since it is all below the veil of consciousness. But if I knew enough not to pass this down to another generation of my own children (since I never had them) there is still hope that I can reclaim my lost self and not only live but THRIVE as I collect the interest on millions past due and aging accounts receivable waiting in my inbox. I am incredibly grateful that I am alive at all, and that realization alone makes me realize how strong I am, and how supported I am by the universe.
Thank you for this. I find this so applicable in the context of marriage as well.
Very powerful video and it has helped me to understand what was going on in my childhood. Thank you.
Thank you for your work. it helps me understand what it is like in grown up language.
What if you don't know what you were meant to be?
THIS feels really important. Especially as much as time feels against us and some of us - many of us - didn't have this language as children ... so we have to play catch-up learning the skills that were hidden from us so we'd always be dependent on the NParent(s) while trying to deal with the present at the same time
What has worked for me is relaxing about this. Don’t stress about not knowing. Even if you’re 80 it’s NEVER too late to do anything. Be calm & do some gentle looking around. You can find free tests online that can help you narrow down your interests for one example. I decided even if I don’t ever figure it out I will just focus on doing good in the world right where I am with what I seem to have. In just doing that things started coming to me. I am currently in law school and could be the parent of any of my classmates. My abusive mother never even graduated from high school. They also “took my life from me” but I finally said NO. I will use my education to help animals. There’s no money in it. Don’t fret on this topic ever. If you are here you have work to do. And get with a good therapist no matter what you have to do to get one. Publicly funded, Medicaid, community mental health clinics - whatever. Do that immediately.
I struggled to see and feel my identity and my sense of expansive goodness, loving kindness, joy and even wisdom that I could never find. I couldn't understand why I was born so bad and so wrong and so disgusting. This was forced into me and my good nature was disallowed from its inception as I lived up to the scapegoat, ugly, hateful, despicable and awful person they needed me to be. Confusing the issue is that the scapegoat then does become an angry, ugly person who can't believe how no one will allow kindness in any form for him. I have done identity therapy for years and this video makes it so much more clear than ever before. What intelligent, life-giving videos these are! You find the core concept, its nuances and its lies and saves us to find ourselves. Imagine self-esteem, self-pride and confidence and understanding...things we could never imagine for ourselves before. Thank you
I've been studying narcissism and how it can impact their children since 2017. As a [scapegoat] 56yo adult child of a [covert] narcissistic mother, I have never come across a person with such an exceptional understanding of the dynamics of how narcissism plays out. Jay Reid's weekly (Friday) video explanations are clear and concise with great anonymized examples. He hits the nail on the head in every video with a level of detail that mirrors and explains what has happened in my life.
At 87yo, my mother has managed to push away most everyone in her life (her sole female friend of 40 years will no longer take my mother's calls). I finally realized that my mother (for decades) has been subtly devaluing my relationships (with wonderful boyfriends and female friends) so that she could keep me as her on-demand play thing. Although I am a true empath, my "SWITCH" to try to fix my relationship with my mother (by discussing our respective accountability) has finally been turned OFF. I do not call or visit her anymore unless she needs help. And when she devalues me, I excuse myself.
Last year, I invested in very expensive therapy for 6 months to try to work through my narcisisstic upbringing. Finally sharing my mother's crazy-making/gaslighting treatment (with someone who truly understood how damaging it was) was invaluable. But Jay's examples and recitations of dynamics regarding narcissism are really helping me further distance myself from my mother's treatment but also avoid attracting other narcissists (bosses). I will be purchasing Jay's book just released 3.12.2023. Many thanks to Jay Reid for doing more to help me heal from my narcissistic upbringing than any other person I have come across.
I had Bruce’s mother and I am also a writer. Thank you so much for this.
This is so helpful.
Wow this video was very timely for me. Thank you so much Dr Reid! 🙌
Not only did my narc parent emotionally, mentally but also physically abused me and I feel nothing but anger and hate!
Dear Jay, I have watched several of your videos. I wonder if you have the same impression as many of us have: That narcissists appear almost demonlike. Their whole being just seems inhumane. The combination of total lack of empathy and all the sinister illwill they cast upon innocent, kind and pure human beings really give me the energy of something devilish.
You’re right. My narcissistic mother used to accuse me of devil worship when I was a child. Lol I was Baptist.
I’ve thought about it and read various things about that topic and it all indicates that narcissism = evil. I wish I could say more right now but I’m feeling unwell.
@@avenginggoddess Both of my narcissistic parents called me the devil when I was the one in the family that was the farthest thing from it. Today I’m beginning to see it as their projective identification, that they were under demonic influence and trying to push their traits onto me. It’s taken me some time but I’m seeing their and all narcissism for what it is...a spiritual/soul disorder that has caused the God source within them to be diminished and a dark spirit has taken its place to various degrees depending on how much they’ve allowed their ego to take over.
@@christar9527 I believe that there is more going on than just good people versus bad people. I am a highly sensitive person and sense energies. The energy from all three narcissists I have come to know in my lifetime is extremely dark and powerful. Their power seems protected and therefore strong at ALL times. It is as if they are sucking you in to their horrid dark side. I haven't come across any experts/professionals talking about this. So I wonder if I am simply imagining things. Hope you feel better soon, hugs.
@@m.a.mm.a.m3259 They are black holes. Everyone else gives off light...this needs to be addressed from an astrophysical perspective.
And conversely I feel 'safe' around people who confirm my narcisistic mums negative view of me. Thank you for showing me another piece of the puzzle.
Thank you. Your book is decoding all the confusion!
Omigosh, I've just started an important project and taken on new responsibilities at work -- lots of things to celebrate and look forward to around using my strengths -- and I've been having bad feelings all week! Unspecific guilt, physical tension, avoiding activities I enjoy (because that would be too much good at once?), lowered self-care, anxiety, procrastination... I am Bruce! 🤯
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is very confusing I agree.
I love your descriptions…so accurate and so validating. Thank you Jay!