Why Loving Your Narcissist HURTS so much!
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- čas přidán 31. 05. 2024
- Loving the narcissist is a very agonizing experience. Why?
Lack of empathy
Indifference after lovebombing: death of a dream and the shared fantasy
Withdrawal and avoidance
Scouting for alternatives and discard
Sexlessness
Paranoia
Possessiveness
Narcissistic rage
Depression
“Love” conditioned on performance
Intermittent reinforcement
Devaluation
Memory lapses and confabulations
Impaired reality testing (grandiosity as cognitive distortion)
Miscommunication
Intransigence
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"Narcissist use words to impress and manipulate , never to communicate"
The strongest tool of manipulation they use is hope.
👀👀👀
Exactly ❗
@@user-zj2ef3re4j exactly ❗..only as deception
@user-zj2ef3re4j yes the deal in hope like a drug... HOPIUM! crap drug lol
It was only a ten month relationship and it is still unfathomable to me the amount of damage done in such a short period of time. Even after therapy I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. I don’t hate him, I don’t care what happens to him anymore. What I do hate is how he changed me. I don’t think I’ll ever trust a man again and that just sucks, because I know what love is supposed to feel like. I had that with my late husband and it was wonderful. I wish I had never started dating again after my husband died. I should have been happy with having true love at least once in my life. Some people never get it. It’s all good and I’m moving on. I’ve sold my house, my furniture, everything. I leave for France in 15 days. I’m not a victim, I’m just going to do what makes me happy.
Good for you! I know EXACTLY what you mean- please don’t give up the possibility of finding love again, though .. something tells me that you know the red flags now - you’re putting yourself first and have strong boundaries. A narcissist will find an easier target.
isn’t it amazing you got to experience real love ❤with your husband . How did you find yourself attracted to the narcissist after having such a loving partner ?
i found kobe after 7 years single . I met the most kindest loving man on the inside and out .. i always dated the opposite . I now know what it’s like to be truly lived and appreciated ❤
Hope you’re doing well
Did 3 years. Devalued, 8 years later got back, got married. Then a split. Narratives of manipulation. Whether it be bpd or npd We talked about splitting once in Utah before i even knew what was wrong. Spooky stuff
I noticed when he talked about his exes, there was no awareness of their individuality. He would talk about their appearance, their status, their bodies, how much they were into him. There was no appreciation for their personalities. A huge red flag.
I’m laying on my bed openly sobbing. This was everything that I have lived. Sam is correct. He should have just put me out of my misery. I am forever broken. 19 years. 8 sexless years only to be thrown away. I hate him. I hate myself for having allowed all his disgusting devaluation. I am grieving for who I was and not knowing who I am now.
You know who you are. I promise. No one who could write that expressively, could ever lose themselves completely. Be Well.
@@dudeabides9980 It’s so strange. It’s been a year since he left and I wrote this 6 months ago. My children and I are in such a better place. I see the other side now. I was lucky to get away. I am taking back my power and pouring into my children and I. Life is a new normal. It’s good. It’s an honest life. I am finally off the hamster wheel.
Amazing lady. Sending you positive and healing vibes
"There's nobody there to appreciate your absence... And there was nobody there to appreciate your presence."
Oof. The painful truth of it right there.
Yes!! That's what hurts the most, I think! It's a huge blow to the ego, to our hearts, to realize that we never mattered one bit!
🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
I was addicted to hope. They will never give you what you need or deserve.
The trauma bond killed my soul. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and have to attend therapy. The only way to heal is no contract and time.
It become an addiction. Its like a drug. You feel lost. Left in the dark. Questioning if there is wrong with you. Everyday you feel this pain inside you and feels like it's never go away. You being controlled by the idea of him.
D I hope you're past that stage by now though, because it CAN be done! I found that no contact and feeling the pain, which involved many tears, not to mention tissues, was my path to freedom. ❤
The wound is the place where the light enters you. I agree feel the pain and work with the emotion.
There is nothing worse than being with someone and feeling alone.
Suffered 20years of narcissistic abuse. It taught me how to be involved but emotionally detached.
It elevated me to a higher level of consciousness.It's strange,I am grateful for this lesson and feel sorry for the abuser.
You really are never the same. You are right, nobody understands when you try to explain. It forces you to see people in ways you never dreamed of because you can't believe anybody can be so empty, so callous, uncaring, so dismissive of another human being. It also forced me to consider how I had ended up with somebody like this. The answer: my family background and my own trauma experiences. That relationship took more from me than my love for him. But one thing I did gain was my self respect. Somehow, I held on to my sense of worth, although negative thoughts do sometimes creep back in. I am now hypervigilant and untrusting of others and myself (are my judgments of others really that bad? Am I just too naive?). It is a truly heartwrenching and soul destroying experience to go through.
He told me I was massively naive. He loved seeing me upset!
He doesn't remember you .... This hit me hard. We were married 28 years..and he forgot, almost every day..how I liked my coffee..or if I salted my cucumbers..or anything I wore..etc..etc. It was heartbreaking. It was like I never existed the day before..unless he was mad at me..and then he remembered every word I said. Thank you Sam.
You just hit the nail on the head. We were together 2.5 years and he couldn't remember what brand of drink, or name of my perfume.... anything. I can still SMELL his cologne and remember the name clearly. He never kept anything at his house for me. If i needed it or wanted it I had to bring or buy. But, I kept foods he liked at my house, drink mixes... all of it. BUT.... BUT.... you let him get angry at something and he would hurl the most horrific words at me.... use every secret I ever told him as a weapon against me.... guilt me with vulnerabilities that I shared with him AT THE VERY BEGINNING.... oh.... he never forgot a single one of those. I even asked him if he had selective memory one day and he said... yes!
The narcissist holds your dreams hostage.
The most difficult break up to get over ever! Harder than my divorce. The relationship could only be described as groundhog day with a mask... Alternately a sophisticated man, then a goofy child. No explanations that made any sense, a pathological fear of his being 'used', serious attachment to money and objects. I seemed to be just a extension of him, just one of a long line of women
Oh, did you date my narcissist, too, lol
“A gimmick by a demented clown”. Sums it up perfectly.
Most accurate explanation of this horrific experience I’ve ever heard. The greatest pain of all
living with them is like knowing a neighbor next door. You see them on a regular basis but you really don't know them.
you may know their name , where they work their favorite restaurant and so on but there is no connection.
I guess there never was one about Love 😘. I tried to connect when you where in the Army. IS THAT WAS KELLY ALL OVER???
It's one of the saddest videos I've ever seen, but thanks for helping me drain my sorrows
You wouldn't believe this unless you been through it personally and don't even bother to explain to others. See it as one of life's best life lessons. You will change for the better.
Tell me your experience, please. How did you change for the better? Thank you.
Agreed !
@@millag93 when you date a narcissist the problem isn't the narcissist it's that you accepted the narcissist into your life. They teach you to re-look at your values and love yourself again once you get rid of them.
@@Makewayproduction thank you!
@@millag93 pleasure 😀
This one hit home Sam. Especially the lack of empathy and compassion when you need them the most “there’s nobody there for you”.
💯💯💯
100%, never there for you.
❤💛❤
It's the saddest thing in the world when you realize this.
When i'm lying ill with fever he get's angry at me, and disappears, treat me like the air
One of the best descriptions of the trauma ,destruction ,and misery with a sadistic robot I divorced
Congratulations
Lol at robot. This is so true!
As soon as I set boundaries he left.. I’m not dropping them, the only reason he was with me was due to me not having any and him being able to derive such negative supply from hurting me after breaking every promise he ever made. The proverbial dangling carrot. His Mother abandoned him when he was 6. He will not discuss it or face the fact he’s treating me the way she treated him.
So true...😥
You have just explained my experience, 25 years together, I could never understand why he could not love me, I put boundaries in place, I refused to mother him anymore and it all went downhill within months, we are divorced now with 2 beautiful twin daughters, Co parenting is impossible with him.
Yes, his mother was never a mother to him, he re enacted his entire relationship with with his mother through me, but would never admit that his mother was the real problem... He was never prepared to deal with it
Yup same here. Once I wanted my piece of the cake, transparency, true commitment and continously asked him to keep his promises, he was gone...
@@charmainewilliams4366 hi Charmaine, isn’t it amazing how they need the imbalance, to be in control to remain in the relationship. I was in mine 17 years. I’m so sorry that asl happened to you. They really do all play from the same book. I know he hates me bow for achieving this and that’s possibly true for you too with the hell he’s putting you through coparenting. Big hugs girl 👧 💗💗✌️
The thing is, that no one will ever Understand what you have been through.No one!
The pain is so overwhelming, only people who had been abused by narcissist can relate to this.
Just broke up with my narcissistic woman,
I fought 5 Years for her, but now i will face the biggest fight in my life to recover from this massive abuse.
If I succeed, i will be the strongest person on earth.
God bless all your wounded soul's
Omg this is the narcissistic I've been involved with. 🥺🥺🥺😞. Nope. I can't. He won't ruin my life because his is ruined. He's gone. Goodbye!!
The contempt gets greater and greater... they hate us so much!
@@hollyconger9037 I don’t care anymore- that’s the best place to be- indifference!!
@@zubieM I totally agree and I've reached the stage where it doesn't matter if I never see any of the highly narcissistic exes again, which is true freedom! 😊
They can't hide it, but they don't see it
@zubieM yessss !!! I'm finally there w my covert malignant narcissist mother!!!! Indifference. Sam helped me so much these past few wks to understand wtf we are dealing with on levels nobody on internet can explain but him!
Absolutely traumatizing.
I wish we could talk more about the mourning periods when you know it’s actually over. I’m mourning the version of him I knew because somehow, I’ve convinced myself it was a real version of him. I’m mourning the friend I thought I knew for so long. He’d do the meanest things and just so easily be able to say “this is just how I am.” I hated wishing he would be different. I hated being shown early that there was potential for difference, bc then I expected that same treatment and it drove me mad trying to get back to that sweet spot. Leaving him alone for weeks to months… thinking all he needed was more space. More this more that. Then, he’d finally love me. Nothing I did was ever enough, but deep in my heart I miss my friend. My imaginary friend. Fuck that sounds so sad. I send his inner child love as much as I can. Every day. I’ve been through enough to understand that sometimes people say they love you, and then hurt you irrevocably. I’ve forgiven him, I wish I could forget. With time it does get easier to be without them. But I almost miss the familiar sting of his disappearing acts. I miss believing I have to earn love. It gave me something to fight for. A goal. It’s always been how I’ve experienced love; conditionally like an exchange. Now that I’m seeing a healthy person who doesn’t make me jump through hoops, the adrenaline junkie in my nervous system sometimes wants to run back to danger. But I don’t. I know I’m better off without this in my life. I just wish I didn’t have to be.
Non Violent Femme, I am stuck which seems to be the last stage, do I hold on to memories because for me it was real, but as Sam said we are mourning ousrlseves and not the narcissist.
@@charmainewilliams4366 I’ve deleted everything because I have a tendency of obsessing. I’ve never felt the need to do so in any other relationship in my life but bc of the lies and manipulation I desperately search for something real in our memories and nothing was real. I got rid of everything. It’s been 8 months since I’ve heard his voice and even that is fading from my mind now. I know it’s hard, I’m sending so much love
I listen to a lot of Sam video’s the only thing I’m complaining about is the sound its so SOFT …. Can’t barely her him when I’m in the gym
I understood & felt every word you said deep within my soul. It brings me to tears. Good for you being able to move on in healthy relationship.
😭😭😭 the frustrated dream, the "great love" where he had everything, the perfect one, the man I had waited for all my life, whom I had dreamed of, one day we woke up and it was an empty dream that had no love even for himself. ...and yes, of course, he gave everything, he just had nothing of love to offer
I am married to a narcissist. What are his redeeming qualities I love. The way he treats me worse than anyone. The way he ignores me when I speak? The way he lies about everything and everything. The way he ignores my birthday, holidays and anything that is important to me.
Why at do I love about my narcissistic husband. I DON'T. It took a long time to realize what I was dealing with.
This is mind blowing, as if Prof Vaknin was sitting through my marriage and watching me cry , our fights, my despair, his lack of mercy... Hundreds of pounds of therapy and only he understand what I have experienced.
Sam no one could explain my experience better than you, I have experienced every word you have just said. I can tick every box and now I am trying to find me again, thank you for all your videos, I have followed your advise and it really helped me thus far.
It's interesting how universal the experience seems to be for survivors. People have said to me "at least you've dodged the bullet" and that couldn't be more wrong. Sam has described it from the feminine perspective and it's the exact same from the masculine. And I'm in the somewhat unique position of experiencing an abortion during the discard phase. I told my narcissist fairly early on, that I had always wanted to be father, clearly more fuel for the fire. I had sent her a message containing all of the points Sam has made in this video, it's uncanny, (waning sexual and emotional intimacy, my utility and service provision) . All I got back was "WTF", then she retreated home to source supply and lick her wounded ego.
It's like the song Save Me by Queen.
Agree!
You are not alone, he just explained my life to a tee,better than I ever could. It shows them as not even human- it puts them into perspective.
I can relate as well. You explained 31 years of my life married to a man like this. I exhausted myself trying to be better and my whole life became trying to figure out the crazy. My discard came during my mom's death, no empathy or compassion. I too am now finding myself again.
Yes I ended up with a narcissist . It took me a long time to accept it. After listening about this topic many things have become clear. I have one question Mr Sam V. if you are narcissist how come you understand so well feelings and behaviors. Narcissist deliberately act that way then. Can They help their behavior or not?
This experience has been a living nightmare for 5 years and now in the discard phase because I’ve outlived my worth and he’s moved onto the new supply. God help us all learn to how to spot these clowns to never endure this pain again.
That look when they just dont get it... when you deal with a narcissist you have to be the most selfish person ever. Otherwise you're sure to lose yourself.
I’m going thru the pain right now ! One need to be strong to stay away and keep away from the narcissist ! Occupy your mind with thing you love and surround yourself with your love ones …
This reminded me so much of a documentary I'd watched on Henry Fonda. His wife's psychiatrist had told her and the family that he was a narcissist. His wife would walk around in the nude to try get his attention. He enjoyed not giving it. She eventually committed suicide.
I get nauseous reading your sentence " he enjoyed not giving it'... because this is exactly what my ex did... there was a passive aggression for no reason to it the point I ask myself what is the difference with sadism?
@judith dg good for you that he's an ex. Wish the Dr would chime in with the difference between the two. I feel like sadism may have a stronger sexual component to it whereas in narcissism, it's more about the ego
i never forget i dated this man 12 years ago . I remember feeling good about myself and hair and makeup done all dressed up and wouldn’t get one word of a compliment .. none ever . I now have a partner that compliments me and makes me feel amazing . I was addicted to men that i had to win over .. just like i was when i was a child trying to win over my unavailable mother
Who exactly is he if there’s “nobody home”? I find that very touching, insightful and disturbing.
Outside is a human form however avoid of human emotions inside void empty place.
Is it safe to say that once he sees that you actually see what he is..in your eyes...that is the end.
22:20 he wouldn't let you love him. That's the most painful thing .
And his love is utterly conditional on the service or performance you provide
totally 100% right , a perpetual agony and they hate when you radiate happy because is only their right to be happy
"What should have been Paradise was Hell on Earth" is exactly what it is. Finally breaking the trauma bonds and leaving after 29 years. Thank you so much for the best explanation of the depths of despair and unrelenting pain and confusion that consumes us, the broken ones that fell in love with a charming illusion fueled by deep insecurities and his hatred towards his mother. Thank God I finally woke up! 🙏🦋❤
Here is the real story (from experience):
Because you are mirrored, you fall in love with yourself.
You like it.
It takes you to the highest of highs.
You are addicted to it. Then your narc takes away the mirror and shows you her authentic self so suddenly, and you don't have what to do with the high amount of dopamine your brain has created from the highs. You develop withdrawal symptoms. Since you don't know what is happening, you go cold turkey. Your high libido, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, increased energy, mania, and stress overwhelm you. Your narc can't help you feel better at this stage. Start with a visit to the doctor and get some effective sleep meds to help regulate your high dopamine levels. Guess what? People with NPD are said to have high levels of dopamine always.
I’m so tired of being unappreciated . But it’s turned like a drug . I’m addicted to whatever little she wants to give me . I’m sick . How did I allow myself to get this far into it. It’s not even her problem I know it’s me not having the self love required to walk away with a hopeful mindset for a better future for myself .
The relationship I had with my narcissist was definitely an emotional roller coaster. But now I actually have comfort in knowing that his behavior is more than likely a pattern. I"m pretty sure that I'm not the only person he has done wrong. You have no idea how your videos have helped me to heal. Thank you so much!
This is the most accurate and relatable video you have made so far, I finally hear the answers he could never give me
This is so damn true , nobody understands what you are going through , even yourself , thankyou 🙏 for explaining all of this
No kindness, no empathy, no warmth, no understanding, no validation, not been seen, not been recognised as the beautiful human being you are! His loss! His lack of affection and compassion is soo apparent. Maybe i feel it even more because i am highly sensitive.
Thank you for this video. All i was was a means to fulfill his base desires. He lived to play on my weaknesses and breaking my boundaries. He loves making me weak, confused, traumatised.
A decade of this nonsense.all it shows me is that i have a whole lot of work to do on myself.
Yes, this sweet nothingness! He looked like a sweet innocent boy when he slept. The only time it was peaceful was when he was sleep or during sex.
Dont remind me. I want to cry now.
Thank you Sam 🙏 💛 The accuracy of the description is as precise as a surgical knife. It is also very poetic. Listening to you always feels like reading a classical book, or watching a quality movie. Understanding how things work does help to navigate out of confusion by understanding the mind processes of the narcissist.
I know now very strongly what I don't want in my new relationship- to feel unloved.
My relationship with the narcissist helped me to define exactly what I don't want, or need. Empathy is prerequisite #1.
Knowing that narcissists are esentially black holes helps to cope, or be less angry. There is nothing to be angry at.
After the narcissist one thing that is hard to adjust to is the lightness of being. No more questions, doubts, or feeling unloved.
I reside in love and my roots will go stronger.
Goodbye my old self that allowed self neglect. I will not attempt to help anybody by breaking, or injuring my own self.
The experience with the narcissist taught me to be more attuned to my own needs, it taught me to never ignore the red flags, or my intuition.
I am more experienced and more equipped and with an infinite capacity to love. 😎💓✌️
Yes to every word. After 2 1/2 years of HELL, he skipped off happily, got married and had children. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of what used to a full, rich life.
I'm finally free of him after 34 years which ended in him beating me black and blue after falsely accusing me of speaking bad of his dead mother who he hated, he allowed her to have a paupers burial - he didn't contribute a penny towards her departure. This also after marrying him three times. I've know him since we were 11 and married for the first time aged 21, I'm now 55.. My suicidal thoughts have disappeared since I've gone no contact. We have three sons and a six month old grandson. I'm now living pay cheque to pay cheque in a studio flat 100 miles away from my family - my boys don't know where I live for fear he pressures them to find me. It's tough, i fall apart every night but I'm happy - I'm free at last - "there's no experience as pulverizing as this" Sam, 100% on point.
Blessings to you
Don’t put any “accurate information” anywhere.
That is sad to have to live that way but it is much better than putting up with being treated the way you WERE. Peace of mind is great.
God bless u🙏💜 LIFES too short to interact and engage with animals God is good !!!
Ouch!!! I was wondering why I couldn't cry after realizing what I've been involved in for 17 years. Well Sam, this video did it. Ok, it wasn't crying it was WAILING, during this I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the reflection.. I can best describe it as the release was from the depths of my soul...something lifted for how long I don't know
Took me 33+ years to set and hold boundaries after I finally realized there is no possibility of a healthy relationship. Healing hurts, but putting ourselves together is so worth it
31 years for me, it's hell!
@@DanaD-er8dn we survived those 30+ years, we can survive anything. Sending hugs and positive energy.
@@harrietkubiczrealtor-homes6736 Yes!! Same to you (HUG)
I wonder how did you manage to survive and cope for 30 years? Where did you get strength from? I’m 4 years i and I feel like I can cope with this abuse and constant pain anymore
This video is INCREDIBLE! Really encapsulates so much of the experience of being with a narcissist. Thank you Sam 🙏🏻❤️
Wow, so horrific. I were not aware I were in that toxic relationship, i did not know that's abuse. I just felt something wrong, even within the first 1~2 months of dating him. I once messaged him, "have you ever missed me as a person", when he said, he missed me. I also told him, when I was not with him, I felt this disconnection. Seems sex is the only connection I had with him. Finally I figured out everything, 2 months after the abrupt discard. But that did not make me feel better or relieved. Too much memories for a normal human being, but he totally forgot it, everything. It is a shock.
The most thorough explanation I’ve ever heard.
I said to him many times he doesn't even remember our first year. Because he didn't! He thought i was in a story he'd tell when it was his ex. Always confused me with her. Add bad alcoholism with this there were huge memory gaps. Felt like I lived that first year by myself.
This so accurately describes my experience . Every word....
Thank you for this. I watched it and felt shame. Actively trying not to feel shame... but trying to honour any guilt. I felt bad for my wife. It's what she feels with me. I'm the N. So I checked in with my kids who were playing. Did not check in on my wife (at work). I just started making a sandwich to eat... to feel better. I stopped that once I realized and wrote this comment. Im just a junkie for protection against shame. And a junkie for shame. A junkie for staying in my comfort zone... I ironically call "staying true to myself"... it's actually staying false. Eating a sandwich relieves pain...it fades away and I'm back to nothingness. And she's still alone and uncared for. Eating a sandwich right now is the place of neglect. Everything I do or don't do is a response to her, to the relationship. It informs and forms it. I notice now that I'm speaking in a detached 3rd person. I really am pathetic. I am just trying to be present with my coping mechanisms... it can be done and I'm not dead from doing it. It's going to be okay. Maybe it will be better. I'm going to check in with my wife now. Not only that, i need need need to try to repair this and it cant be for just me. Other-focused. I think you've spelled out the horror of her existence with me. It makes me appear very pathetic, selfish and empty. If i send her this video, she will resonate 💯. I'm afraid of that. Is there any belief in my potential trial left in her? Thanks for the video.
Professor, you are "the dictionary" to those who don't know how to verblize their inner "extraterrestrial" pain. I am touching your feet 🙇♂️ as a tiniest form of heartily respect to you. Thank you.
May 'the science/data' keep you healthy and your twisted sense of humor intact.
I never resonated so much.. this describes my relationship 100%.
It is absolutely amazing how accurate is the description of a victim's feelings, it is like Prof. Sam Vaknin has experience himself such emotions. He give us words to express ourselves...thank you so much!!!
whenever Sam Vaknin says 'the narcissist' I insert the name of my lying cheating deceiving ex and every single word describes him to the t.
It's the flowers falling right at rejected 23:23
Bhahaha, I can't. There's always something falling or sounds in his house. Talk about evil spirits roaming around 'em.
By far, The best video that describes how the narcissist acts in discard phase and how the victim feels. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin.
I’m in such pain today. But the thought of me being nothing but an enzyme made me laugh 🤣😅. And that helped. Thank you for acknowledging the pain one goes through when one is in it. Humour helps to catapult me out of it.
I giggled 🤭 enzymes are important dammit!
if it wasn't so 😢 it would be funny.
Can't stop crying 😢
My experience for 37 years....makes me cry! But better to understand what is really happening than to be endlessly baffled and in complete despair!
Authoritarians are narcissistics.
I pray for America’s future
It's breathtaking how accurately you've described what I'm going through. It's a validation for me which helps me so much. Thank you, thank you.
Yes. This pain changed me.
At the end of Your dramatic presentation of this critical information, I burst into tears. Having my experience with 3 narcissists recognized, revealed and explained is devastating and healing simultaneously.
With deep respect & admiration.
It’s crazy how you get into all the nuances of what I’ve experienced… I really helps to have all of my feelings put into words like this. Thank you!
Even while coming far with having boundaries and caring for myself more, I still feel so sorry for him and I still feel the urge to hug and hold him so he can feel safe to be vulnerable and safe to finally let go of the mask. I know it’s not possible but it is hard to accept. There could be such a wonderful man but instead it’s just a restless and detached mask.
I reached out a thousand times..to love him..to hug him..to try and reason with him..I loved him so much..until I just could not take it anymore..and I stood up to him..told him that I was not coming to him anymore..that he would have to come to me...and he hung himself. It gutted me...
I learned now that i’m a “child” with the “ cluster B” . I had to much stress to grow up in a healthy way. I lived in a monastery for years and foster family’s. That was then… I have to protect the injured child - in me, so i will not be vulnerable to symbiotic relations with toxic behaviour. I can’t change my past, but with the awareness i will change me; to not become the “child” that’s anableling misconduct. It takes two to tango… Healing starts with recognizing your own dysfunctional patterns. Who were helpful to "survive" and overcome the incomprehensible as a wall. later that wall becomes your enemy because you haven't learned to look behind it. A blind wall that you want to break down with the "cluster B" While he uses the stones to injure you, On each stone is pain that you must rearrange with attention, to heal your childhood. So that it is not an emotional prison, but a healthy boundary.
God let Whatever Happen To The Narcissist Happen. It’s A Dramatic Experience!!. But You Can Recover. Not Like The Narc. There’s No Change!!. Forever The Child. The Games Will Never End, Just. Repeat!!.
To think, after 36 years of being with someone and realize they are not human is so heart breaking! It would be the craziest thing had I not lived it!
Mr. Vaknin. A lot of what you say is truth. I felt that horrible feeling during the devaluation phase, and soon after the discard. But, there is another efect, maybe for another lecture: the relief. After the discard I felt so relief, so free, so master of my life again, of my time again, of my money again, if the air I breath! Maybe it depends on the person, or I was not so much in love. And it is not a denial reaction, trust me.
Three word......Im in tears
If anyone ever questioned whether they were in a relationship with a person with NPD, this will help confirm it. So glad I went no contact: off with the king’s head. took that crown and put it on me. #selflove
After reading your book, my eyes were opened. To my shock, you described my husband when I wasn't looking to find out info on him , but on my niece! I couldn't believe what I was reading. How codependent I was and the worst Empath on the planet! The most devastating realization was to see that I was NEVER loved . My marriage was a waste of of over 45 years. I was oblivious to any of his symptoms. I was brainwashed.... a Stepford Wife . Your book , by accident, opened my eyes to the lie I was living. Now at my age, I am constantly on guard, setting boundaries and hoping to continue to become more independent. I am glad to tell you that your book showed me the light. I'm very sad though.
@amy Patton- as hard as the realization is, don’t be hard on yourself! You didn’t have the resources to know what your husband was, and now you know and make the changes to protect yourself and have joy and peace in your life. Please go easy on yourself and know that you have many years ahead to be truly happy. It is NEVER too late to become what you want to be or have the life you want. I know your pain and disappointment, but keep your head up, hug yourself, love yourself for being strong and for seeing the truth now. You are going to be ok and you are worthy of genuine love and care and respect. ❤
what you described perfectly fits my situation. i am in this relationship for the past 40yrs. only now i am working in getting away from him and it hurts like hell because he knows i love him so much but not reciprocated
This is the best video I have ever seem. It is like you have just described every moment I spent with him. He destroyed me... but knowledge is power! You help so many make sense of the most painful experience of their lives. Thank you... Thanks to you I know I wasn't crazy and I know it wasn't my fault and the relief that brings is immeasurable 😊
I will most definitely trust myself and this experience is merely a reminder to love ourselves first and to demand that same kind of love in return.
But when you do the same things back to the narcissist, they can't handle it and the little hoovering child comes out.
absolutly brilliant ! I have seen my last 7 years in 30mn ! wow Thank you Sam for the clarity. This is so valuable
Dear Sam,Every word You said is My Story.Every word You said I can seal with my tears.You make incredible work and You help me lot to understand my relation with My Narcisst.After couple years I finnaly was able to be in" no contact"...but it still hurts so much and I still cry sometimes...I hope this pain will go away some day.Thank You Sam...without You probably I wouldn' t be able to go forward...now I try and I hope to be able to trust myself again.
An ever receding mirage...nothing describes a narcissist better...a person who presents a fake self that is nothing at all like who is really there....the mirage keeps moving further and further away and you keep chasing it...until you realize it is just a mirage...and you finally realize it is time to wake up and get back to real life.
BY FAR THIS IS THE MOST REAL AND RAW EXPLANATION OF THE HAUNTING OF MY LIFE .. THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING MY LIFE'S LONG SUFFERING .. ALWAYS .. B .. X 💙💎💙💦
Nooo one could explain my experience better than you
Explained with pin point accuracy
Exactly what she did to me. This is gender independent relational psychology.
Sam, you have once again hit the nail on the head! I learned a few days ago that my ex-bf narcissist had died a while back. I was really surprised how hard the news of his death hit me, considering we hadn’t been together in 9 years. I truly thought I was long over him. But this video in particular and several others of your videos have so perfectly expressed and encapsulated the experience that I had with him and why I am now experiencing grief. This video (and the others) have provided me so comfort. I just cannot thank you enough.
I cried watching this
Beautifully explained. Genius!
This has been my life for almost 8 years.
Don’t make it another 8
Divorce now
Wow. This one really hit home. Great video Sam! I remember when I told my ex I wanted a divorce... it was like a switch went off and I was IMMEDIATELY a stranger. The enemy. I was trying to talk to him about something we needed to do to prep for the sale of our house. He turned to me and coldly said "I don't need to listen to you, Im not getting anything from you anymore." I was shocked. He was great at keeping the mask up for 14 years but... man, did I see the ugly truth once we were splitting up. Almost 3 years later and we are still not divorced. He's a serial litigator. Lying, manipulating, hiding assets, making up things, keeps moving the goal posts. Trying to hold me hostage with a never ending divorce. I've spent over $80,000 defending myself against his nonsense SO FAR. I have for sure felt a lot of what you described in this video. The dissonance ... trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was MARRIED to this person. How could he do this to me? No regard for me WHATSOEVER. Turning what should have been a quick, easy divorce (no kids) into a 3 year (and counting) battle where we both are bleeding $. Its pure insanity and next to impossible to wrap my head around. And whats even more disheartening is that there is no justice in the court system either. It is almost like it is set up for people like him who wish to use the system to continue to torture and abuse. Sighhhh
I have a friend going through the same thing. Only when you remember that they stopped emotionally developing at around age 5 does it make sense; like toddlers punishing their mothers for not succumbing to their demands. And the court system thrives on it, compounding people’s feelings of replaceability and worthlessness. One way or another we all become victims of a broken society. But when this happens, you see the good people shining brighter than ever amongst all the abuse and suffering. There will be people there to lift you up and out, and then you also become a star for someone else. Think of it in spiritual terms. Your love transcends all that crap. Sadly that’s part of why your narcissist resents you so much. It’s not you X
@@heatherjames3336 That makes a lot of sense... thank you!!!
Same. I was engaged to him and thank god I knew to get out.
He became a literal monster when he knew he no longer had “control” over me. It was constant lies and manipulation. The more I figured out, the more his make dropped.
He didn’t come home one evening and I sat in our bed and knew I needed to GET OUT right then and there.
I got up, packed all of my belongings and LEFT. It was 4am. I knew in order to survive I needed to flee.
I just realized that this was a couple of years ago … I hope it’s finally over & that you’re doing so much better now
God Sam! Some of the things that you were saying literally took my breath a way. You hit the nail on the head. I just replace she when you say he. Thank you for this. This video is the best way I could explain what happened to me. You explain it way better than I can.
Thank you Sam, this is all very articulately explained and the detail is brilliantly useful when validating this experience, but there is more that happens to you, and some of it is wonderful, eventually.
Because a narcissist is so good at withholding any kind of attention when they have finished with you, you must take a leaf from their book and find another supply of the validation they gave you, and quickly. This could be through work, a project, art, sport, pampering, but it must be of your own doing. This is what my narcissist taught me. He didn’t replace me with another person, he replaced me with books and an electric guitar amongst other possessions and pastimes. He was a master at finding new passions.
A self awareness of what you are doing is important as it can feel as though you have become as superficial as them, but give yourself a break. Use this time to be extremely motivated in doing all that you need to feel brilliant about yourself again. Indulge, treat yourself, do all the things the narcissist hated. Aggressively march towards the you you have suppressed. And whilst doing this open your eyes to a new way of seeing the world. Suddenly all interactions are transparent; every little power play apparent, and people are easy to read. You’ve been on a terrible journey, realised that love sometimes is blind. But if you’re here listening to Sam, you won’t be blind again - that was the last time, and when all you have left for the narcissist (who could have ruined you, but clearly didn’t) is pity, the world really is a safer place to navigate. You have insight, you are wise, you appreciate authenticity, compassion and loyalty like never before. You’re ready to do some real good, and with real resilience. This won’t break you when you finally understand and accept what happened; this new you is awake.
Incredible post. Thank you.
I think its an excellent point
Even as a 'victim' one gets supply and going no contact leaves a void. A hollowness. that needs to be filled in 'healthy' ways
I agree with all that you write here. If we are seeking validation from another, then we are lacking with what we need to give ourselves. As another put further down the page, we are 'enabling' their poor behaviour of us and the only way to thrive and rise is to enable self worth and re-value ourselves. Truly, so hard, but by beginning to remove the hooks, one painful hook at a time, by giving to ourselves, that love that we so freely gave to another empty soul, we can rise again. No amount of time in years is ever wasted if we begin today! I'm 38 years in, and I am slowly beginning to find (at 54) the little girl my mother ignored. I am stronger and finding boundaries everyday. He is getting tired of not knowing who he is, or having to find his own reflection.
Fix those childhood wounds. Find your voice, boundaries, self worth, joy, tribe, passions and never let those sardonic comments knock your soul again. Love to you all.
Beware of the word 'pity', understanding their condition and knowing 'it's not their fault' or 'pity' can keep you stuck!
Compassion is useful but also saying a silent 'thank you' to your inner self for recognising everytime you are disrespected. The thank you is to reward yourself with noticing you deserve so much more!
@@kimb4849 That’s why I say pity and not empathy. Pity is disparaging, and doesn’t take any effort. No more empathy - you’re right; that will keep you stuck.
Brought me to tears. I definitely changed my view on love with this experience with a narc...not "My" narc.
Can I ever trust myself again? After 46 years of marriage to covert narcissist, I want to escape but I feel broken. Feeling grateful for this presentation, because it sums up accurately my experiences and sheds the light on the frightening rage my husband displayed toward our son, while adoring our daughter in the same time. Thank you, Prof. Sam Vaknin. It is great to get finally, educated, but I need to take action soon… don’t want to die as a victim or an narcissistic abuse, but rather as a survivor of such. I am terrified that my time spent with him robbed me if my identity…
Yes you CAN trust yourself again. I hope you’ve been able to make some changes, to take action/ It’s not too late.
This one had me in tears. I was very badly hurt by the outcome of a long relationship with him. I am not the same person. Thank you for your succinct and honest explanation of these experiences. People do not understand when you try to explain how the person treated you.
Nailed the experience 100%
I’m still in a relationship with a narc, because I’ll lose my children if I’m not (we live abroad), so all this is very painful to hear. He’s hurt me so much in the most cruel ways, including rape several times, and I know I have to leave for my own sanity, but then I’ll have to move back to my home country and leave my boys alone with him 😢. My boys cannot speak properly their native language and need international schooling which I cannot afford.