A Betrayed Partner in Crisis: How Developmental & Betrayal Trauma Affect Men & Women Differently
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- čas přidán 6. 07. 2022
- Previously, Samuel interviewed Michael Webb to discuss a scenario between an unfaithful male and a betrayed female, and how developmental trauma affects both inner and outward conversations with our spouse. Today, Samuel follows up with Michael with the roles reversed: an unfaithful female with a betrayed male partner. Without an understanding of our wounded inner selves, we end up transmitting our pain, instead of transforming it. This typically ends in disaster, causing more and more disconnection between the couple. Today, you’ll hear insightful and experienced insight into how to navigate difficult conversations with our spouse or partner, while also gaining a deeper understanding into the complex world of trauma care.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
As a betrayed male, I've been following this channel for at least 3 years. No other video has spoken to my situation than this one. Even though I am now divorced, I needed this video! It has helped me understand what she was going through years ago. I saw her desperation. I saw her shame. And I see why her affair partner is 20 years older. Even though we do have any connections (besides the kids) anymore, I still desire to understand and have empathy towards her. This video has REALLY help me have a better understanding. Thank you so much.
I wish I could get my husband to listen to the videos. I betrayed him, he found out 6 months ago. It's been over for a year and a half.
As an unfaithful wife, I found this so helpful. My husband sent it to me, and I was in tears just about the whole time because I’ve never heard the scenario articulated in such a way where I’ve felt like there is some compassion and understanding of me and what I’ve been through and went through and continue to go through through my experience of infidelity. My parents got married when my mom got pregnant at 17, and my dad struggled with drug addictions shortly thereafter. My family is LDS and my mom was encouraged to give me up for adoption. She didn’t, but had to deal with not only the shame of being pregnant young and unmarried which is shunned in the lds religion, but then shortly after having me, had to find out my dad had addiction issues, to drugs and pornography. I was very attached to my dad and loved him deeply, my mom had a temper (as would any mother as overwhelmed as she was) and so I clung to my dad. After countless relapses and rehab my mom found needles under my newborn baby brothers car seat and she decided it was safer to divorce. I was 4, and I can still remember how confused I was that my dad left. I also was devastated as I didn’t get to see him anymore, he got a new wife who was pregnant and gave that baby girl all of his love and attention. I was out of the picture and abandoned. I spent most of my young years and teenage years resenting not having my dad there. My step dad came into the picture at age 5 and my mom put unrealistic pressures on him to treat me and my brother like his own. It ended up making things worse and creating a disconnect there, so I never felt loved by my step dad until I was much older and able to receive it. At age 13 I met a boy who became one of my best friends and we also dated off and on. He had a heroin addiction and would tell me he loved me and would sleep with girls behind my back, his friends were some of my best friends and would tell me about it. He would never say sorry but I’d always go back to him because our bond was so strong. After realizing he didn’t actually love me, I gave up at about age 17. I quickly got into a relationship with my now husband and we got married. This other man would text me here and there when I first got married. I had blocked my feelings for him out because I was devastated that we didn’t end up together. I didn’t ever process that loss at all. I ran away from the hurt because it was so deep. After 7 years of marriage with my husband we had our first son and my postpartum depression hit like a ton of bricks. I lost my mind. I couldn’t see that at the time though. Our relationship fell apart. He told me that the only reason he was still with me was because we now had a son. That he was going to do whatever he wanted and not worry about my feelings anymore, and it triggered my deep abandonment issues. In my mind, our relationship was over. Instead of doing something to fix and help our brokenness, I lost a bunch of weight, and attention from men came my way and I now know that I wasn’t in a clear enough headspace to not entertain that feeling of being wanted. Or appreciated. The men who spoke to me all had one priority in regards to what they wanted from me, sex, which I couldn’t see at the time. I thought they genuinely liked me. I betrayed my husband, not with just one person, with 2 in person and 2 over texting. One of the people was this boy I cared about in high school. He was married and we had an emotional affair over texting. After being used by these people, I came to a deep realization that I had only ever wanted this connection with my husband and I realized how deeply disgusted I was with what I had done and that I wanted to be with him. I kept it all a secret for years. I finally told him a year and a half ago and it is a struggle. So much betrayal on my part. If I could ever stop somebody from making this devastating choice I would do whatever it took. I have broken our family. And we are trying to figure out how to mend it, but it’s the hardest thing we have both ever gone through. My husband is so heartbroken and so hurt. I was too selfish to realize what I was doing to him while I was cheating. But this video helped so much. It’s true I was never out with a vengeance trying to cause harm, I was in a survival type mode. I am learning so much through this and I’m hoping I only learn from it and become so much better than who I am and who I have been.
This is absolutely brilliant. I have known a lot of this but it’s so good to see Affair Recovery sharing it with others to help them understand.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’ve been watching your channel since March but this is the video that has really spoken to me and our situation. This is nearly everything I’ve been trying to explain but couldn’t fully understand. Having the worst sin I’ve ever committed compounded with childhood wounds and trauma I never realized and it all coming up for both of us has been incredibly difficult. Looking forward to learning more to unravel this developmental trauma and start healing. Thank you again.
Very good video. Brings si much understanding. Grateful for AR and all their help. Also grateful for having worked with Micheal. I still remember the day I reached out to you Samuel on Twitter to get help with specific traumas... all of you from AR and Micheal have been answers to our prayers.
This was SOOOOO helpful I can’t even express it enough. He basically told my life story.. it’s hard to hear, but knowing it’s coming from a good place it’s easy to swallow. Thanks as always guys!
This is deep, helpful, and fascinating information.
Unfortunately, my wife completely refuses to address all the underlying questions or therapy. I recently found out about limerence and came to an understanding and did some self therapy. It certainly made things much harder for me without her participation. Her affair occurred 23 years ago and we are now on a total of 33 years of marriage. During her affair i almost called it quits because of the amount of trauma she put me through. I wish i knew about limerence 23 years ago, as i feel i could of been a much stronger man during the affair. It happened so fast and out of left field that i couldn't catch my breath. In closing if you feel like it's worth saving then buck up and work hard on the marriage.
Hot stuff. Been waiting for this topic since 2016
I want to thank you for this video. I'm a betrayed male, been tring so hard. I am grateful for all these videos, understanding, feeling, lost, etc. Not understanding so much. Ready to give up, yet knowing that the traumas played a key role. I am grateful, in pain, but ever so grateful.
Wow, if this didn’t hit the nail on the head. Painful, but as it was stated, once you grasp this concept you can begin to empathize.
How do you know if the unfaithful has developmental trauma or they became unfaithful because of a situation only??
Sometimes we know what’s happening, but our wives make us go down with the ship while they run away with the AP in the life raft.
It would really help, if you link another video, so the scary mum video specifically, if you could link it to make it easier to find pretty please? Really appreciate EVERYTHING you’re doing and have done. Thank you!
This video speak directly to my situation with my unfaithful wife. She however is reluctant to make the connection with her poor relationship to her emotionally abusive father and how that affects how she was able to have an affair and now has trouble looking inward to do the “work” of recovery for herself and for our marriage. She cannot see how this affects how she reacts to situations now. How can you help them see the need to do this work?
What is the title of the name of the other video? The one you were talking about with mommy issues.
Does a sexless marriage cause betrayal trauma in a man?
SHAME keeps you chained to the PAIN! 🔗⛓🪝