Betrayal Trauma: Understanding the Impact and Healing Process
Vložit
- čas přidán 9. 06. 2023
- Betrayal trauma is a term first introduced by psychologist Jennifer Freyd and refers to the devastating aftermath of being deceived or betrayed by someone close, leading to deep emotional wounds and a shattered sense of trust.
This video looks at the various manifestations of betrayal trauma and the lasting effects it can have on one's emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Also exploring the complexities of navigating the aftermath of betrayal, including feelings of anger, confusion, anxiety, and the struggle to rebuild trust.
Please feel free to suggest any topics you might like me to cover in future videos.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon or Substack
/ dfmagee
darrenfmagee.substack.com/
#betrayal #betrayaltrauma #trauma
Hi Darren spot on!
"The saddest thing about betrayel is that it never comes from your enemies it comes from the ones you trust the most."
100% my husband. He can't see that he is doing anything wrong. I'm bankrupt at 65 due to him.😢😢
It Sure Does!
So true
Sorry thats v unfair@@daleenalberts5829
😢
What helped me after a betrayal was to allow myself to grieve for as long as I needed. I went through grief stages, and allowed my angry feelings to bubble up without judging myself. I didn’t repress or deny emotions. Eventually, I felt healed. It took a few years, but it worked for me. Best of luck to everyone! ❤
It is grieving yes. Thank you for this
Thank you so much. After my narcissistic Dad passed the next day I woke up and the first thing that came to mind was I need to process all the pain I experienced from my siblings who ascribed to my Dad’s version of who I am. His projection and bullying were supported with their own back up behaviors and denial of what I was experiencing. Basically I became their scapegoat as well.
Thank you Gina. I found out 4 months ago that my wife of 40 years began a decade long affair and embezzled over $300000 of money I earned 27 years ago when our children were small. It's hard to describe the feeling of the ground beneath my feet falling away. I am able to eat again and am sleeping a few hours each night. I agree with the grieving but it is complicated by continuing to live with the same woman. I don't know who she is and miss terribly the person I thought she was. I cling to a verse from Isaiah "and I shall refine you in a Furnace of suffering". I hope you find live and trust again.
@@buddhalovechildThat's heavy. ❤
The refiner's furnace is very fitting.
I've also found it hardest to mourn the loss of my internal introject/idea of the person. And, how I could have been so blind.
4 months ago is very recent.
Take care of yourself.
❤
@@Lioness_of_Gaia these days any kind word is a treasure. Thank you.
“Shame for having trusted”, this one hit home. I’ve been trying for years to name this. Thank you Darren, this helps immensely.
Same. It’s like feeling very foolish, and used, as well.
Felt that for sure
Yes recently feel this because I was no contact and after narcissistic mother died I got a call from my golden child narc brother and immediately trauma and betrayal began again and I felt so much shame because I felt like I allowed myself to engage and got destroyed again. 😢
Shocked, disbelief, emotional distress, anger, sadness, crying, confusion, lower self esteem, gained 17 lbs. because I don’t care. anxiety, shame of being a victim. Yes this has been me for almost one year. I almost wrecked the car the other day whilst reminiscing. No contact, broken promises, I feel if I sought counseling they would say this was because I ignored my gut instincts. Thank you for this I don’t feel I’m the only one anymore.
@catzee4720 you've got a brother like me and he was always my mother's golden child
I am a bit tired of videos about Narcissists, as if they are the only abusers. I appreciate the info on betrayal. I my case it led to constant rumination and deep depression.
I feel the same way... I find content about narcissists can be harmful and only in some cases helpful... In my experience it puts the abused in a situation where they suddenly feel they have to make a diagnosis of their abuser's mental health in order to satisfactorily validate their own feelings of abuse (this caused me so much confusion for years in the aftermath of my betrayal experience. I felt like knowing whether his behaviour had a clinical definition became the most important factor in determining my reality). It also often riddles the feelings of abuse with an attitude of hate and victimisation, which I don't personally find helpful....it makes me feel more guilt towards my abuser (which I find hard to forgive myself for), since it makes me feel really sad for them and sorry that I overlooked their unique kind of suffering for so long. It also means we give that person our power over and over by saying we are the victim. We are victims in a way, but we must avoid that language as it costs us ownership of our power to set new & healthier boundaries going forward. It is empowering to say 'I am not a victim', despite what we have experienced.
Abuse is abuse. Betrayal is betrayal. Everyone out there is human. It's just that not everyone out there shows humanity, at least not all the time. And personality disorders are very complex. People who are narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths all still suffer too because they are still complex creatures, and we must remember that. They do feel pain, they just don't feel empathy... For those of us that do feel empathy, we can't help but feel care towards them. Just because it isn't reciprocated I still argue we have a duty to talk with some degree of respect about the person who is clinically ill and who often lives without clinical help. Talking about them in such a way also reduces that feeling of victimisation which, as I said, can be harmful.
@pinkwheels1313 Have you lived with a narcissist or psychopath? It's really not that complex. It's not that complex to accurately recognize their behaviors -- you do not need a degree in something like psychiatry to accurately do so -- and I don't see why correctly identifying them would cause you to feel guilt. I also don't get the "they're suffering" thing. They aren't. They aren't all that human, either, which you learn if you live with one and watch them gleefully destroy people, including their own children. As for the "Don't say you're a victim" thing, I wish people would stop insisting that accurately identifying that you have been the victim of another person's deliberately destructive, and often criminal, behavior is somehow a bad thing. It's just revictimization to tell victims they cannot identify as victims. This has really been weaponized against genuine victims and needs to stop.
Narcissists are not clinically ill with a mental illness. They have a personality disorder in which they *choose* to behave certain ways because it gives them power and control over others, and lets them wheedle and bully others into things. It's not a mental illness they cannot choose. There is a huge difference between a genuine mental illness, which the sufferer cannot choose and cannot innately control, and a behavioral personality disorder in which the narcissist knows what they are doing is wrong and consciously chooses to hide their behaviors from at least some people -- and often many people -- because they know they are wrong and will be perceived as wrong. If you've lived with a narcissist or sociopath/psychopath they will tell you that they know certain behaviors are not acceptable to others but that they do not care because they feel entitled to do what they want and take what they want. They are full of rage and entitlement and a total and complete sense of, "everyone owes me" and "what's yours is mine" and "I deserve to take whatever I want and if you get in my way I'll destroy you." They have no sense at all of other people as thinking, feeling beings; they regard all people as objects to be used. They do not love anyone. At all. Quite a lot of them pair this with "and I'm following Christ and am a good Christian" (or Muslim or Buddhist or Jew or environmentalist or whatever they think will give them the moral high ground), which is doubly nauseating. They are the most genuinely evil people I've ever met.
We don't owe them anything, especially respect, and this kind of thinking is dangerous.
@phoenixrising5338 You are entitled to your opinions and I genuinely am sorry that you have experienced/witnessed such abhorrent abuse.
We differ in our opinions in a number of ways and it's going to be difficult to reason each other out over CZcams comments, so I'm only going to sum up where we adamantly disagree and agree.
These are the areas we disagree:
- I think it is that complex, and we have to ask a lot of ourselves to realise just how complex it is.
- I think the victim narrative is harmful to victims, not helpful. We must release ourselves from its trap to find acceptance and personal empowerment. Being a victim is comforting because it allows us to cling to validation of our pain, but it continues to give the abuser power. It is empowering to say we are not victims as it frees us from the narrative and makes it less about us. I'm not saying it's not helpful for a while, but eventually we have to learn to let that narrative go. I'm just saying that in my experiences this has proven helpful for me.
- We seem to be using different definitions of human (to me, human is the human animal and its ability to feel pain as a complex, sentient creature)
- I think that NPD/ASPD people do suffer (to the extreme extent that their entire life is about avoiding suffering). I have observed their unique kind of suffering and I'm not talking about when they pretend - I'm talking about other behaviours such as their restlessness and inability to "fit in" and "be normal" (they will never know that feeling and they know it).
- pity and guilt towards the betrayer, whatever their state of mental health, is allowed. We are all complex and emotions don't have to make sense or be explained to people on CZcams.
- people with personality disorders are clinically ill. In the case of NPD/ASPD they have only ever known suffering, disgust and loneliness, and there is no known cure. They usually go undiagnosed, but it doesn't mean it's not recognised as an illness.
-talking about such people with respect just means to value their own human experience that is entirely unknown to us. It does not mean to like them or respect them on any other level. I believe to talk about them with hate is inevitable and natural, but I personally don't like to because I don't like the feeling of hating on someone I once loved (I still do it, but I hate the feeling after). In my experience, I hate the illness, and spreading more hate in the world is not something the world needs.
These are the areas we seem to agree:
-NPD/ASPD do not suffer in the same way as people who experience empathy and love. They are fundamentally different in so many ways.
-people with NPD/ASPD are capable of acts which are extremely harmful and evil.
-we don't have to feel sorry for such people if we don't want to.
-we both wish for there to be a clear way of healing from the abuse and for the abused to feel validated. We just disagree in part over how best to achieve that.
-people are victims (as I said, I just disagree that we should use this narrative with ourselves).
I would also like to highlight that the comment I made was in agreement with the initial comment, I.e. that not all betrayers have NPD and therefore - to those who are unsure of the clinical illness of their betrayer - videos about narcissism can be unhelpful when seeking validation for more nuanced types of abuse.
I don't like this feeling like we're in an argument, because I want you to know that I respect your own experience is unique to you and I'm not trying to take that away from you by having my own opinions about my own experience.
I wish you well in your healing journey.
You just described my life, at 45 I think I’m not crazy but I do feel very broken and filled with hate and resentment. Those feeling alone feels like a horrible heavy burden in my heart.
Know u are not alone. Keep in mind the phrase,this to will pass. It’s time,that’s all. Also I feel that we got to a certain age and have realisations and realise that we can just not accept others beliefs and actions.
Same 😞
I have experienced betrayal trauma first by my parents, then siblings, family members, alleged friends, neighbours and even business clients. The scope of distruction of my life has been enormous - my health took a hit in all possible ways. I have been intimidated, threatened, dismissed, invalidated, gaslighted, stonewalled to name a few. The fact that I am healing from all of This is pure miracle and without help from good people such as you Darren, I do not know how I would have survived. I Thank God for all of you❤ Thank you Darren. ❤
you are not alone... AND MY HEART IS WITH YOU. I am 69 yrs old. and from first knowing my father... was a narc. ( something I just learned from my current husband of only 10 months, who announced he is a narc with pride.). husband untangled the chaos abuse and pain of my life. I ran from him. and I pray I am divorced in weeks. I credit my husband with giving me a gift.
Indeed you are not alone. I have a similar background, also starting with my parents. Spreading to family, spouse, my military commander during the war, business partners, even my own son. I trust no one, with anything, until they have earned it over many years of consistently trustworthy behavior. I do trust my own judgment, especially after having learned everyone of the betrayers was either a narcissist or psychopath. I don't have anxiety (anymore) and my health is good again. I am thankful to Darren and the other online professionals who have helped me in this journey.
Same here, I'm still experiencing it at this moment. The flying monkeys are the worst.
We ate walking forward.
Thank God for the resources now. Instead of my parents day when you kept the family dirty laundry.
And stayed stuck in abuse and it's damage
@@trickywoo356 yes. I think the flying monkeys are the worse because they were the ones who could have prevented the abuse and they empowered it instead. There are situations when a betrayal would not be able to cause deep damage if the perpetrator had no support by his/her gleeful flying monkeys.
This is dead on. As a betrayed spouse, it hits on exactly how it feels and why it is near impossible to heal from.
I have survived betrayal trauma, first by a father, brother and sister who are narcissists and then by my ex husband (after 25 years). It was extremely confusing and painful. I was in shock that people I'd always believed loved me were incapable of love. This has been the biggest shock and discovery - that npd is a thing and it runs in families. Those of us raised by aggressive narcs often get fooled by these damaged people. I am now stronger and yes, as Darren says, resilience is necessary to survive this type of pain. The real strength for me is knowing as much as I can about npd and understanding that it was never me. I am not to blame. I am worthy of love. Thank you Darren.
So very true! I was raised in a similar environment.
Well put. ❤
Glad to hear you made it out of that… it hurt seeing you didn’t feel worthy of love. Everyone is always worthy of love. So thankful you have brighter days ❤️🌞
I am going through similar with my own father & a woman he has latched on to - he tells her dreadful lies about me which she believes & tells other people so all his neighbours are against me. I can't even blame it on dementia - it's pure nastiness on both their parts. I don't know why i am always surprised though as my whole family was like it, & i unwittingly married out of one dysfunctional narcissistic family & into another. My family was overt & physically violent, but the family i married into was more insidious & covert so i missed all the red flags & warning signs. It feels like my whole life has been a battle, & as a result i have cptsd as my nervous system is shot to pieces - i sometimes feel close to the edge & at the end of my tether, but i hold on to the mantra, "this too will pass" - it's the last chapter as my father is 98 so maybe when he finally passes i will at last find some peace from the hell that has been my life. I will stay alive, & i will stay sane because not for nothing have i come this far - i will weather the storm & i will come thru this, because i always have in the past.
I trauma bonded with my mother n twin
I keep trusting them n getting re injured after forty years
I feel as though I dnt exist in their world. N have to accept this yes resillance is so important
He was as cruel as possible at the end, physically but mostly emotionally. My best friend of 10 years. I still suffer with CPTSD. I can’t let anyone in since. It’s been 6 years. *Please, don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.* Maybe I was a crappy girlfriend, but I didn’t deserve this. The beatings, belittling, *betrayal.* I trusted you! I trusted you.
I don’t think you were a ‘crappy girlfriend’. That is the voice in the back of your mind trying to justify why you were treated so abhorrently.
😢❤
My heart is with you. Glad to hear you got pass it. Sending you love ❤️🌞
I don't think you were a chappy girlfriend, I think he wore you down
Going NO CONTACT is the best solution!! Say a prayer,try to forgive, trust in God, but MOVE ON. At nearly 70 yrs. of age I had to come to grips w/ some real evil in my life.....I listened to lots of you tube videos, prayed, consulted the warnings in the Bible and saw that no contact is by far the BEST choice to get my life & peace of mind back. I just wish everyone was strong enough to do this. It is AMAZING!! It is eye opening and glorious to be FREE of the trauma, the drama, the lies, the deceit, and all the jealous hatred. Keep your circle SMALL and watch for red flags. God Bless❤
When you experience frequent betrayal traumas in your family, both small and large, and you are gaslighted when you seek validation, you may come to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. There are so many lies, and they become unconscious beliefs. Recovery means getting curious about living a life of peace, freedom, confidence, and joy, and holding onto some faith in a God, or a force of goodness and light, that created you to have a life that involves something greater than suffering and pain. Focus on that curiosity, and it grows.
You stop being a real person and become what they call a bad object and or hide behind a false self
Well put. ❤
"Focus on that curiosity." I like that!
I could not have said it better!
I agree with all of this except for the “need” to believe in a “higher power” to heal 🤢
@@heffawtf150 No offense meant to those with religious or spiritual trauma. To each, his own.
When they explain how they betrayed their ex, but it was their fault...remember that kiddies. You were just next
Correct. It tends to be cyclic and habitual behaviour in people who perpetrate betrayal.
I called the two ex-wives after I discovered that my husband was acting out on a sex addiction. This behavior was by no means new, but it sure had gotten worse. In my case he was paying for sex and risking violence and arrests. He’s gone, and it has taken me a year to get back on my feet.
I was betrayed by my (ex) neighbour who was always so helpful and kind I thought. I had been though a few terrible Heath experiences which led to some unexplained medical symptoms of nervous system such as dragging my foot and losing balance. This neighbour set traps for me around the village and even photographed me to try and prove I was faking. When I found out the whole experience caused me such distress I felt everyone was doing the same and watching my every move. I tried to take my life. Eventually we moved house but the experience. Had not gone away and now five years on with genuine diagnosis of a rare neurological disorder I’m too afraid to go out or talk about myself to others. If I ever see this person again I’d have a panic attack. She ruined my life. Thank you so much for explaining this.
So sorry to read your horrifying experience. I’m on this video because I’ve obviously suffered betrayal trauma as well. But I just want to validate your experience and give some compassion that person sounds like a horrifying monster.
Sending you love ❤❤❤
😢❤
❤ there are some radically damaged individuals here in the world, sounds like you were unfortunate enough to find yourself living next to one, just as I did. So happy you moved. I hope you can unwind from the experience enough to begin enjoying your life again ✨️
People can be cruel
My narc "father" took extra time to do nothing only not to care for me, not to do anything I could need for the future. He was practicing this for decades. I can not believe the whole betrayal till today. I feel not worthy for anyone to do anything for me. If the own father allowed himself never to care for me. I do not know how to proceed it. Thank You!!:))!!💯%!!
I'm so glad I came across your video. Like so many others, I've experienced betrayal trauma. I'm 67 years old now. I live by myself and have a peaceful life, and feel content. Even so, I STILL occasionally dream of being betrayed. Some where in my psyche that trauma lives on. After so many years it's still there. AMAZING.
He sure explained the whole roller coaster of trying to heal from severe malicious bpd/NPD reactionary abuse.
Oh man… that was hard to listen to. I have been in therapy for years. The betrayal I experienced was from two of my siblings. The best thing for me was sticking with my psychiatrist and psychologist. I started journaling to get my thoughts out of my head. My sleeping still sucks , but hopefully the sleep neurologist I will see might help. Good luck to everyone.
Seven years on I still feel utterly bewildered. Unable to trust anyone my only solace is solitude.
I’m around 7 years on also. I cut off all flying monkeys,friends of over 20 years and all his family. I’ve moved work and residence and now no longer work. Yes it’s still painful,however little by little I am putting myself back together after being utterly destroyed. I don’t know how I survived or what I looked like just functioning for those years. Literally lift your head to the sun,create your own coping mechanisms,indulge in things you were always curious about but didn’t get to do ( out of no time or being embarrassed) . I also am very solitary,I find peace in it. You are not the only one who lives in solitude. I will never fully trust anyone again,but that is my decision and done to protect myself. Nor will I ever forgive or forget,again my decision. You think whoever hurt you is still thinking of you? They are not and have moved onto the next victim, . Don’t give your life force to reiterating the situation. Again you are very much not the only one living in solitude.
I've been betrayed multiple times Im just numb at this point to people ...and I choose to spend alot of time on my own as it's safer
I just realized I had Betrayal Trauma and it makes so much sense now…
The part that was most freeing to me was the part about being confused your reality is shattered. Hypervigilance not knowing who to trust... this was all very helpful for me to understand why my emotions were the way they were. It is almost like a weight has been lifted off of me knowing that the reason i was feeling the way i was because of trauma betrayal. Thank You!
Thank you for this. I was recently betrayed by people I thought liked me, people whom I trusted. The searing pain and shame of that feels like it will never go away. Thank you for not suggesting that the only betrayal is infidelity. There are many other types of betrayal and we who suffered those are also in need of support. I realize that time heals all wounds but for now I just actually feel abandoned and alone. I will have to make new "friends" whom I will never fully trust. Thanks again for this explanation
Thank you, Darren. You and a handful of other online professionals, as well as a counselor skilled in narcissistic/psychopathic abuse issues, have been of immense help. The biggest help to me in my journey was the realization that every single person who betrayed me was either a narcissist or a psychopath (yes, I was lucky enough to have a few of those in my life). Learning how they did it both assured me it wasn't my fault for being stupid (they con everyone who is unaware) and armed me to defend against their types in the future. I still don't give trust easily. It has to be earned over many years with consistent behavior. However, I also don't blame myself. I recognize the that this is reality and work with what I have.
Glad you didn’t blame yourself. Glad to hear you survived. Sending you love and light ❤️🌞
Have you wondered about the positive aspects (after the initial shock, sadness and grieving) ? Like, getting clarity, a confidence boost, appropriate door slamming, seeing the bigger picture, growing in knowledge, making better decisions and such ?
Yes. A difficult thing to accept is when the clarity, knowledge, etc. comes later in life after decades of destruction.
@@KG-ec4zz Ohhh, I'm so sorry. That is very painful. But don't forget, some people never get there. It's better late than never. I totally understand. We may give our loyalty and decades of our life only to realize it was misplaced or betrayed. But that's on them. We live and learn.
@@PetekDemircioglu-ci1lhsame here. My mom is dying and the family wants me to run to her.
After all I’m the only one who survived. 2sistersxdead. Bro in prison dad dead. I’m not going backwards. Enuf is enuf.
This is positive and true. Tough times don’t last long tough people do. There is always a brighter day ❤️🌞
Are you kidding?
The betrayal started with an abusive family, then I was betrayed in therapy, then friends. The pain of being betrayed in the same place you thought you were going to receive support is enormous. I'm still deep into it.
Same thing happened to me when I was in anger management. I almost kicked the counselor ass. Because she let me be attacked verbally in the group setting. Because I was betrayed by my mom. And if my mom ever hit me I'm going to hit her back. Now this counselor is trying to make it hard for me. And this happened on the second group session.
@@ladysmith8793don't go back
This is my experience too :(
I love this video. I haven't felt so validated. You mean to tell me all these months and years this is what I've been dealing with? No wonder why I couldn't heal, I didn't know what I was trying to heal. Now that I do, let's go!
“I didn’t know what I was trying to heal” yes! That’s such a good point..
For me the betrayal was completely intentional. My Honey Bunny, would have one of her psychotic meltdowns and there was always a moment on her part of her observing my reaction. My shock and horror of her obtuse overreaction to something I was not even aware of, was her pay off. This is called sadism. She would do something awful, even in public, and observe my reaction. And , my reaction would be, surprise, shock, fear, and then I would leave the scene as quickly as I could. I, of course, would feel humiliation, but also extreme relief that I had escaped. It was like a bear had chased me and I climbed a tree to escape. The most important thought to have is your own person safety. That also means, leaving, and eventually leaving for good. Yes, there was plenty of good stuff. But the cost was enormous. My own mental health and also physical health, because of the anxiety all that drama makes you feel. It wasn’t worth it.
The absolute best description of what's happening ever! I'm living it and could never describe what's happening to me. You have brilliantly. With reality shattered I don't see any future and it's a comforting thought. The only comforting thought. No thoughts are my own. Not even close to grasping anything like my own thoughts. Even this is a continuation of my maddness. Betrayal is portrayed as the dwelling place in Hell just one level above Satan's existance in Dante's Inferno. Betrayal is so low as to be next to Satan in evil because of the devastation it creates. INTENT!! There's the rub!! Betrayal is one of the lowest forms of existence.
thank you for your words. betrayal from earliest memories shattered me so early on. and I was a landslide gathering momentum all my 68 year life. father to mother to siblings to husband late in life. but my husband of less than year gave me a gift. he announced he is a narc / AA. and he gave me a gift to understanding and freedom.. yes I left left him. and the healing and untangling of my trauma began significantly at that point.
What you describe is really my experience to a tee and has been for 30 years or so. Knowing it is good, but I am sick of it and would really like to let it go once and for all.
I have experienced betrayal trauma many times over by people close to me. Darren, your video is very accurate on this subject - thank you! You are correct that a good support system can be a great help. In my case there was none and am grateful to have a therapist who understands. Betrayal trauma needs to be voiced to someone and sometimes it needs to be said over and over to “get it out.” Dr. Jennifer Freyd also coined a phrase called “betrayal blindness.” I would love to hear your take on this - perhaps another video? Thanks again!
that sounds interesting, betrayal blindness
@@matilda4406 there is a video about Betrayal Blindness from Dr. Ramani if you are interested in viewing it. I would love to hear Mr. Magee's take on this as I like the way he presents his information. With that said I do believe it is a real thing as it explains why we literally don't see the betrayals we are experiencing. If I remember correctly she explains it as a way of protecting ourselves when we are in the midst of it.
@@winter-qd4yw yeah, the "group thing" I'm assuming. Matter of survival otherwise we get kicked out. Many people just can't live with that thought. Also depends on our personality and past experiences and how much we have matured
Hi Matilda - no, it is one of the daily videos.
@@winter-qd4yw I was referring to the blindness, meaning don't want to see it or can't handle to see it.
I only recently discovered this definition of what i have suffered for the past 7.5 years after discovering my husband's emotional affair. I'm still here, but i don't really want to be. I daydream daily of living by myself. The emotional burden involves 47 years of dealing with disappoinment, frustration, passive aggressive, sadness and lots of crying. It's maddening.
My only caution about your advice to seek counselling would be to verify that they are trauma informed. I had many counsellors early on that were not, and it caused more damage than good. If they know what ACEs & C-PTSD are and have a firm understanding of how the autonomic nervous system works as well as what the effective treatments are for these, then you're probably on the right track.
Mr Magee I hope you realize how many good people you are helping understand and cope from the behavior of a narcissist I am so grateful as I’m sure many others are as well in regards to your influence. I AM A LION
Love this ❤️🌞
I went through this but had no idea there was a name for what I went through or a list of symptoms associated with it. The betrayal came via my brother. It ended with my not being invited to his wedding and then I went through more and more betrayal from him and other family members when my mom got sick with cancer and passed away. I dealt with many of the symptoms discussed here. Rumination probably being one of the most intense. I just couldn’t get out of my head that someone I loved and trusted my entire life, someone I was close with, helped all the time, etc. would ever betray me or my mom. It was extremely painful. The initial pain was bad but once more betrayal occurred it just kept getting worse and worse. I cannot trust anyone in my family at this point and so I cut off contact with almost everyone for my own mental wellbeing. I don’t know how to tell others to heal but I do know it takes time.
Yes, it's the sheer disbelief that someone could do this within the family, but i don't lnow why i'm surprised as mt whole family is like it & i was made the scapegoat. I don't teust anyone anymore. I have M.E., fibromyalgia, & cptsd as a result - my nervous system is shot to pieces - but i hold onto the mantra "this too will pass".
I have a severe wheat allergy that works like a peanut allergy. Meaning if I smell it, touch it or eat it I get really sick for 3 to 5 days. We bought our house knowing that and for 7 years my wife has exposed me intentionally over and over. She sneaks it in and I stay sick. This happens at least once a week, sometimes more.
She calls me mentally ill when I’m sick. I have physical symptoms you can see but it doesn’t matter. My immunologist says to stay away from it but it doesn’t matter. She never stops. It’s relentless. There was a wheat container in my bed last night the dogs grabbed and put there.
I don’t trust anyone anymore, not even my kids. When I hear people talk I think they are talking about pushing me out.
I’m scared all the time. It’s really bad. I don’t know what to do. It seems really sadistic. I honestly know it is. I’m a nervous wreck on top of the constant sickness.
Thank you so much, Darren. This is very helpful for me and my journey. To me, this is invaluable. I can access this anytime I feel the need. Thank you.
I've become a misanthrope. The amount of betrayal I've experienced has become too much to bear.
From romantic relationships to family, my trust in anyone is gone.
I've become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for any kind of danger in anyone bringing that kind of energy back into my life.
I'm no longer social and spend my life alone. Although lonely, my loneliness is my solace. I have no friends, no romance, and no family around me.
I will die alone, and I'm okay with that. This world is an ugly, ugly place, and I am done with it.
I live a fairly solitary life also. I find peace in it. I am thoroughly isolated, very few friends( more social acquaintances), no interests in common with my husband and son. I read actual books a lot and delve into things that I’ve always been curious about. I accept my hyper vigilance as a necessary survival mechanism. The pain from the betrayal can be funneled into an activity,exercise,counseling etc. for me for a few years there it was tattoos. I literally had no pain getting two large ones and many small ones. I felt the need to display my “ beliefs” in symbols on my body. This is a way of getting your “ power” back. Music also helps. Singing your tits off by yourself activates the vegus(?) nerve to release dopamine. I’m loving getting back to being me,before the world corrupted and confused me.
I understand totally, same here, I’m struggling 😕
I'm done with it all too
I needed this education about Betrayal Trauma.
Thank you very much for your delivery. Way too many presenters drag on & on & on with their own comments. However, your presentation is spot on.
Thank you so much for this information. It really helps me understand a hurt that I experienced just yesterday.
This is so true. The person that had betrayed me was a close friend and showed no signs of being disingenuous.I had put full trust in them untill stumbled across firm evidence of them betraying me.I am still in shock yet on the path to resilience and recovery as prescribed in this u tube
Thank you kindly.
I started blaming myself, thinking that I was a bad person, there must be some severe defect in my personality that I would be betrayed by all my exes, my current husband and my brother. It had to be me after all I was the common denominator. Then after a lot of self reflection I realized that I hadn’t really done anything to be so badly treated. What I did do was give them permission to treat me badly, I taught them how to treat me. None of them left me of their own accord, after I couldn’t take anymore I was the one that checked out. I now have to work on myself and I am currently at the indifference stage, because in order to go on I have to be indifferent to all of them. I don’t love or hate them I just don’t feel anything towards them and I can actually go on with a life.
Yup been there. There can be love again, just a very different type.
Emotional numbness here. I barely know what to feel or think. Been a month.
Mine lasted around a year. I simply functioned day to day,sometimes hour to hour, in robot mode. Then it evolves into indifference,then turn to you and piece by piece put yourself back together. This is a lifetime wound ,but you learn to carry it and start to find some beauty and joy in the world again.
This is real in a relationship with a person and an employer. With either one, the effect can go on and on. The process of reinterpreting the relationship prior to the betrayal can be disorienting but can lead that “light bulb going on” event that means, literally, enlightment.
Thank you this this information you shared is so very helpful. I have suffered multiple betrayal shocks and wounds. Also here in America we are “mass traumatized” our government has gone heartless, unsafe, harmful and insane. Many of our churches had become unmoored from the Creator and prefer a sociopath. Yep compound trauma betray.
Thank you for being there. Your kind and understanding words and soothing demeanor are most appreciated and welcome. Blessing and love to you. 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Thank you Darren..
Being blindsided while I was very hyper vigilant was the worst.
I'm working on allowing myself to be angry. I'm scared of anger. It's hard.
This video is immensely helpful.
❤
Try to find some joy in everyday and be patient with yourself. Sending you love and light ❤️🌞
@@citichic2311 Thank you for the wise words of encouragement! 💚
I'd just like to send you this. It's a quote from C.S. Lewis:
"I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was Grief."
I cried so hard when I read that. I'm dealing with betrayal by my husband. We've been married for 39 years and of those years, 30 of them were spent with him wrapped up completely in a PMO addiction (porn/masturbation/orgasm). I found out accidentally 4.5 months ago when I walked into his office and found him at the computer with porn on the screen. I understand what you're saying. It is an impossible situation. Stay strong.
@@evandegenfelder4554 Thank you for the perfect quote. ✨💚✨
I'm so sorry!
Betrayal is so hard.
I question everything wondering what else I was blind/wrong about.
I know exactly what you mean. I've looked back over 40 years, questioning everything I thought I knew.. It is soul crushing and very defeating. @@Lioness_of_Gaia
Listening to the video itself was a healing experience for me. I cried and released throughout the video.
Thank you Darren ❤️
Judas Iscariot syndrome, one of the most painful, I'll say
I refer to one of my betrayers as Brutus.
Thanks for your videos! I learn a lot through them
This has validated everything I’ve been experiencing. Thank you so much!❤
There were eight of us, cousins from one side of the family. Six of us had or still have severe illnesses. The oldest died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. The youngest died of Chrone’s disease. It’s great that information about NPD and the cluster Bs are available now. It might have helped us if we knew back then and could have connected to help each other. Another resource you might not know that you have is extended family.
I've experienced betrayal trauma from my narcissist wife. She walked out on me without notice after I had no money left and I was laid off a new job one week later after she walked out on me. I had quit a 23 year banking career that I cannot go back to. I have no job either at this moment. I used motivational speeches to bring me back from the dead. I used Steve Harvey to draw inspiration from because he lost everything he had twice and he's a raging success now. Learning about narcissistic relationships I realized that I was in a narcissistic relationship with my son's mother prior. I had to draw inspiration from another celebrity to get through legal situations with her too. Draw inspiration from someone who you resonate with and you will find the strength and determination to pull yourself through.
In 2001 I had a medical doctor that was treating me for general medicine and anxiety also with some medication. He had me coming back once a month. At that time I sold a condo that I lived in by owner and I had a very aggressive lady purchase it from me with force and rudeness involved. So I moved and did okay for a while. I had called the telephone number for my doctor after hours and he returned the call to me from my condo I I sold to the mean lady. Her name was on the caller ID. I kind of humorously told him the address he was calling from. I guess he's a little unstable because he got scared and ballistic with me knowing where he was calling from. Into I'm being treated for anxiety and he dumped me as a patient over-the-phone. Between the aggressive purchaser of my condo and the unstable doctor I really had a trauma response. I had to be hospitalized.
That is just awful!
Truly sick doctor
@@sabinagal9953 thank you for validating me. 😪😒
Oh’no 🥹 that doctor is a paranoid idiot. I’m so sorry you had to 2 crazy people in positions of power abuse you. ❤️🩹
Can you blame the victims of such a heinous act for not being trusting afterward? I can't. I'm taking the side of the victim, not the bully.
And I recently felt something akin to this: saw something so shocking I really did not, well, not expect, but didn't want and really hoped to not come to pass, but it did. The following 24 hours I was emotionally numb.
Sending you love and light ❤️🌞
@@citichic2311, appreciated.
Thank you, well done and informative!
I moved in to care for my elderly mom (and dad by proxy) and things were fine with her side of the family till we decided to put her on hospice. The betrayal was shocking and heartbreaking. They were vocal about their disagreements and spread ugly lies. On top of the grief when both mom and dad passed within weeks of each other, the coldness on their end became even more palpable. I had been friends with a couple of my aunts too. One even put me at physical risk with an unhinged family member. I checked off all the "symptoms" of grief betrayal, and it is such a relief to know it is a real thing and no wonder I'm going through it! I forgave them because that's what God calls us to do, but I will avoid them in all circumstances. Thank you for this video!
Great video ❤
Shared💯. Highly insightful thank you.
The hardest betrayal is community and institutional. I feel so bad for people in warzones or societal failure (chemical spills, lack of safe utilities, etc) where you are being harmed by the people who live around you, authority figures in your community failing you, etc.
There's a reason every culture has people who are banished or live away from everyone else in the mountains or in a cabin in the woods.
This is why I think the internet is a good thing; people can finally connect with like minded people and hopefully they can take the next step to meeting in person and forming relationships where they can begin to trust again and form the resilience to "bounce back" if trust is broken again.
Betrayal trauma effects me in many ways worse than the trauma of a 1 on 1 event, it's just that you have to reflect and process the experience to see that new perspective. It also helps me be kinder to strangers in public, helps people skills in school, the workplace, etc. Thanks for the explanation.
thank you for writing this, yes, the societal failure is massive. It erodes your hope in humanity. it's just that all humans are faulty, some more, some less, some earlier, some later. It's hard to trust again. I wish you all the best in your healing journey. 💗
After covaids,a lot of folk have no faith left in any “ institutions “,myself included. The global gaslighting and generational trauma inflicted is unforgivable.
Thank you
In sympathy with all the comments, I should like to point out what seems to be a general omission. The abusive behaviour of betrayers is the result, not of malicious strength, but of subconscious emotional weakness. In short, they are pathetically MAD in some degree, and as such are beneath contempt. Remember that! Because it helps.
I realized recently that my betrayal trauma started when I was young and it just recently happened with a long-term relationship I never saw it coming and it happened on my birthday.... After the news of betrayal after 12 years I got completely ghosted and I'm not sure if that was helpful or more hurtful healing is a definite process and it does help to know that I'm not alone
It still sneaks up on me considering my birthday is coming up again in 3 months and I still feel that there's no closure. I don't think I'm looking for an appropriate goodbye but my personal belongings would be nice he had my whole life I feel like he's purposely holding on to these things to torture me.
Thank you for your video It was helpful I look forward to watching more
I spent way too many years ruminating over past betrayals. The only thing that has helped me is faith that God wants to bless me, and practicing mindfulness. I pay closer attention now to what I'm thinking about and how I feel about things. You have to choose whether to be happy and hopeful or not in each moment.
Out of all of my relationships, the betrayal trauma has come from recess monitors, my elementary school teachers, my parents, my most recent ex boyfriend, my relatives, my last supervisor, the coworkers who were a part of the team for projects I was assigned to at my last job.
I have come to learn that I didn't treasure the good relationships I had and stupidly threw them away, often ruminating over my failures with them wishing that I knew how to communicate better with them.
As an autistic person in the LGBTQIA community its quite difficult to establish a good support system. I know that I need one, but it still escapes me how I can build an effective one.
The worst part is feeling guilty for being a victim of it. I thought i knew my bro and his wife. That is until mum got cancer. Then they didnt want to know us. We were too much trouble. Only now that she has survived cancer, thst my bro has grown a conscience. Not so for his wife though.
Wow - just described precisely my experience - wow
Shame of going back to the family after being betrayed again. I swore i wouldn't...sure enough the same betrayers, same dynamics growing up as adults, worse.
Thanks!
You’re welcome and thank you so much for your kind support
In my case, it was an infidelity by my partner but she/he was in a manic episode (for the first time) and we were in a distance at the time. I realized it was a mania and asked for help from her/his family but the response was ignorance. Then she/he just told me not to contact me because you are suspicious of me, and the third person abused her/him in my opinion. Now that she/he is in a stable situation, she/he doesn't know why she/he did it. Although I know that she/he didn't do that on purpose and it was without the intention of betrayal, still my deep layers I feel the same symptoms you explained. But the most strong emotion, now after three months, is anger and I want retaliation from the third person.
And don’t forget……inability to stand, near vomiting, great rush of confusion, tidal wave of emotions…as she announced her betrayal.
I don’t know why it didn’t impact me to find out my husband cheated for years
It could be that when I discovered the truth he was arrested for the second time for domestic violence
Maybe the fact that I didn’t hold back this time, and proceeded to file a permanent restraining order plus file for full custody of my child & press more charges for unreported abuse while he faces multiple felonies and potentially prison time, it made the healing process easier
The truth is that anybody that lies, well, it will last so long before the person is cornered somewhere with no one to turn to
He can’t even post bail
Nobody wants to pay $40k to bail him out
I think I got lucky and got away when I could
I never slept better knowing he’s somewhere detained away from me and away from cunning his way in once again
Anytime you find out the truth is something to celebrate
It’s a new beginning
I’m literally penniless & homeless but I feel free and happy to start a new life with my little munchkin she’s 7 months old
We are going to have a great life and I’m excited I’ll have my little partner to take everywhere she’ll be 1 year old this summer and she will love the beach 💕💕💕💕
She screwed all my friends to destroy me and all my friendships that turned out to not really being my friends. Starting over was almost impossible..
I’m going through this now. It’s fresh and I don’t know how to cope. I’m non functional right now.
That is a phase. First I felt physically sick all the time. My heart literally ached. I went into robot mode for around a year. Then slowly ever so slowly, I started coming back to myself. I thought ,alrighty I have to put myself back together,so who,what,where do I want to be. It’s seven years now, boundaries decided and maintained, coping mechanisms practiced, self care practised daily at some level, eating well,exercising,and delving into my own individual interests. You are in survival mode, you will get through this. The hurt never leaves but you learn to live with it.
Can you address those that deliberately set you up to fail? It took me quite a while to truly admit to myself that that was what he does, pushing and pushing in one direction only to later mock you behind your back if you fall for the bait. I think he uses this as a team building maneuver, it shames and isolates the target, plus makes himself and others feel superior and he can gather a following.
Wow that’s sad…. I’m honestly kinda feeling like that too… but I’m keeping the faith, finding joy in everyday, and staying positive. Sending you love ❤️🌞
You say in an ideal world counselling is the way to heal. The person who betrayed me is desperately looking for us to do counselling but I feel she's just using it as a way to get into a space where she can blame me for her affair. I don't know what to do.
Go with your gut. Do not put yourself in any situation where you can see her trying to make a flying monkey of the counsellor. They are only human to and a narcissist will always manipulate any and all situations.
I have found a meditation practice called Center prayer essential as well as biking, writing and a12 step program.
It is a terrible experience I have been battling with for 10 years. It is getting better but I doubt I will ever completely recover
I have never recovered, and my son has stopped speaking to me because I can't forgive his dead father. I just can't.
I want nothing more to rebuild myself and leave space for my ex to grow trust together. I hope she’s healing.
I was the betrayer. Then realized I have BPD, not an excuse at all, I recognize and take accountability for my decisions and choices to cheat on my partner.. I’m in therapy, working through my trauma and internal shifting.
I am ashamed of my act out behaviors and how it’s impacted my ex. I will never cheat again. I’ve learned my lessons. I watch these videos to understand better the impact of what I caused..
Cudos to you for posting. While I was the one hurt ,in piecing myself back together,I have also looked at all the ugly things about me ,it’s hard even sickening but I can now accept these parts of me. Just keep in mind perpetrators are almost always victims also.
I need to heal .. It's causing me all types of effects in all areas of my life ...
Have you done any videos around Fantasy Bonds?
Not yet but thank you for the suggestion
ItI can shatter lives.😢
How long?
It’s been 3 years. How do I heal 😭😭
It begins in childhood with a caregiver that was depended on for survival. This is not about a partner cheating. It must be betrayal from someone who provided survival or physical safety. Shame is not part of this, it’s primitive mammal feelings - safety and survival.
I never knew this was a real thing until this year and i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and im avoidant its weird because people are naturally drawn too me and im a likable person i have good communication skills too but i have no friends but my cat i live by myself and honestly im afraid to death to make meaningful bonds with people again i dont talk to most of my family and cut off both of my parents because i literally had to to servive my mother is a diagnosed borderline and my dad is just emotionally aboidant and selfish he is also autistic me my brother and my sister all have mental issues because of them but me and my brother go to therapy and are kinda fallowing the same path of healing or at least trying to but our sister seems to be more on the narcissistic side she said both her parents neglecting her made her strong and brave but it also made her a pathological lier selfish and two faced my sisters likes to pretend shes something she isnt and she has Identity issues but i feel like she denies her pain and mask it because deep down inside she feels shame i still love my sister but i had tp cut her off to because i would vent to her somtimes and she would expose my business to other family members who she knows gossips and use it as a tool to bond it just felt like betrayal when i asked why she kept doing this she had no logical answer its sad how messed up my siblings are..my dad got remerried had two other kids and he is damaging them too its no reason a 8 year old wants to unalive themselves i dont have children and i dont think i ever will
Good evening! EagleOne 💚 🦅 💚 #imatp
I hope Shohei will recover from his betrayal and find a good therapist…
Going through this now. I found out my (now ex) partner of 4.5 years cheated on me at least 4 times, 3 of which were threesomes with my ex and my exes gf at the time. It was unprotected sex, and he had sex with me under false pretenses for 2 years. And I found out from my ex, not from him.
The betrayer is my adult daughter. She goes NC during a marriage but not during 10 yrs of a really warped relationship that was verbally abusive. This situation is extremely painful this time. She married a verbally abusive man.. i don't know about other abuses in this marriage.. so she has a degree in psychology but it's hard to tell. Before she married we had a normal relationship. Im her mom n single parent family. I could care less about the creeps she adores. I wasn't a lingering mom. I raised my kids to be independent and this was a lot of change from the abusive and dysfunctional way i was raised. I decided to break the cycle of abuse. I may have gone too far the other end of that spectrum. I didn't entirely know how to react when she scared off potential men friends when she was 16 n nearly incorrigible. I caught he having drunk sex with a new friend who was very apologetic even though I knew how much she had told me how interested in him she was. This was during my 30s when I had a very hectic life going on but still kept more than enough time n love for my 2 teens. My thing now is this. She's got serious issues from the psychologically challenged men of recent years n current marriage where she has turned on me so much... i hear his malignant narc family in her words of slander libel and defamation. It's hell. I was raised by a malignant narc mother. I will omit dad n his crap. So now at 70 n medical conditions she's gone NC on me after yrs of a good communicative relationship. It took years to repair our relationship. I still think what her adult brother said is very telling. "Every time she gets in a close relationship or marriage she transforms. So im trying to remain calm. Not bug ppl for info. I feel like calling her town in another state and asking for a welfare check. She's so not herself when I got to talk with her last July. She didn't even call on my bday. Totally not her. I miss my daughter n even though we only had visits usually just a few hrs it was better than this. Sorry to go on so but truly.. i don't want to pass on without reconciling this situation but outside of a lot of prayer n help from the Universe if there's no contact am i just supposed to wait till someone goes to prison or whatever in order to deal with this problem ? That's what it took the other time. It's so shocking to hear how she sounds now. She didn't sound like that after 10 yrs in prison. It's just so damn tragic n hateful in my idea. And when it comes to narcissists i been listening to serious professionals for some yrs now n it helps. I even sent her links before I was exiled. I feel like I lost my best friend in all the world. Thanks for everything. Many blessings.
I have nobody now, now I need to find someone who love me? I'll die before I found one
I don't think you missed anything. Thanks!
I have a fairly well developed sense of humor; I don't use it to attack people. I made an enemy by turning down a sex invite from a girl and her boyfriend, after two years she's still angry and she spread her dislike for me at our mutual AA meetings, I've been celibate and am monogamous, no bed jumping for me. One day a new girl sat next to me and she thought I was a funny guy, so we laughed during the meeting with me telling her how things work.
At the end of the meeting three people spoke up and accused me of being a thirteen stepper, AA jargon for a predator. They slandered me in front of thirty people, the instigator thought it was funny and I think he was the one who sent a message to a female friend who was out of state and she attacked me. What Darren said is true, it's been seven months since the incident, and I wonder if I will calm down and get back to normal. I no longer associate with those liars.
I can't even blame strangers apart from family first.
You do not heal> The pain is absorbed.
I could never trust again
Could betrayal trauma be responsible for infidelity in the sufferer?
💔