How to Stop Getting TRIGGERED Forever
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- čas přidán 29. 11. 2022
- The concept of being triggered, though it may at times be overused, sits on top of a hugely important concept in psychological life. One moment we are calm, the next we are catapulted into despair and terror. It may be important to know how to be scared or incensed when situations actually demand it, but it is also deeply counterproductive to be visited by powerful emotions that aren’t warranted by what lies before us and that fail to advance our interests in any way.
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“The phenomenon of being ‘triggered’ - though it may, at times, be applied too liberally - sits on top of a hugely important concept in psychological life which demands our respect, compassion and attention. To be triggered is, in its most basic form, to respond with intense fear and anger to a situation in the here and now which, to other people, may seem blameless and unconcerning. One moment we are calm, the next we are catapulted into despair and terror; only minutes ago, the future looked hopeful, now only ruin and disaster seem to lie ahead…”
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"What disturbs people are not THINGS themselves but their JUDGMENTS about the THINGS." ~ Epictetus
A very wise thought from a very wise man!
@@theschooloflifetv Epictetus and the Stoic philosophers have made a tremendous impact on my mental health. ❤️
Often true, but not always. You won't feel better about your child dying from cot death by judging it a benefit since you don't have to get up at night anymore, will you? And if you do feel better thinking that it's probably better not to spread your genes.
@@annnee6818 L opinion
"Ah jeez, that guy just had his legs broken and all his money taken in broad daylight. It's fine though, my judgment on the situation is it didn't happen to me so lmao"
Here is a process I’m using to manage my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, and express my feelings and needs. I think they are taken from Patricia DeYoung’s book on chronic shame and Pete Walker’s CPTSD book.
1. Be aware of the feeling I'm having, and give myself permission to feel it. It may feel silly or scary or ridiculous, but giving myself permission to feel it makes it less scary. Don't compare myself with what I think of as normal, or to others. They may seem like they have it all together, but I'm probably comparing my insides to their outsides. Maybe inside they are just as lost and cowardly as I am.
2. Explore where this feeling comes from. I don't think I need to explore my whole past, but I need to ask myself the simple question: "Is this a feeling about NOW or about the past?" Usually, because I was discouraged from feeling certain feelings as a child, the intense feelings are from the past. Resmaa Menakem says, "Whatever is hysterical is historical."
3. Ask myself if that feeling is warranted given the present circumstances.
4. If not, I don't berate myself for having those feelings, and I don't give myself permission to be passive. I try to live in this moment, responding to this moment and not reacting to the past. So, I feel the feeling and 'do it anyway.'
Here's an example. I want to ask my boss for a few days off.
1. I feel anxious, fluttery heart, tension in my forearms. Others may not feel anxious asking their boss for a few days off, but I do. So it's okay to feel that feeling. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid my boss will make a scene and make me feel bad. I'm afraid others will see me asking for a day off and think I'm a shirker. I'm afraid I won't get the time off, so my plans will be ruined. I'm afraid of causing a hassle for my boss and my co-workers . . .
2. I remember being teased by my older siblings for showing any sort of emotional neediness, like I was too sensitive. I also remember being praised by my parents for never complaining, and for feeling shamed whenever I asked for something. Like somehow my desires weren’t valid, no matter how simple they were.
3. This feeling can't be about today because my boss is very sweet, and it's in our contract that we can ask for vacation days. I see lots of others asking for days off, and he always approves them without any sort of protestation.
4. Ok. So, just feel those feelings, feel that anxiety. I settle my body a bit by breathing deeply and rhythmically for a few moments. I dont’ expect the anxiety to disappear altogether, but just reduce it a bit so I have a bit more conscious control . .Then I go ask my boss for a few days off.
This routine has really helped me see what fears are from the past AND to live in the moment without denying my feelings or cowering in the corner. And every time I feel the fear and do it anyway, every time I exercise my will, I exorcise my demons and become more fully whole, a bit more healed. More able to feel and act. More able to have and express my feelings.
A few more thoughts.
Oftentimes neglect is a more powerful form of hurt than abuse. If my feelings, my being is not even noticed, my being alive must really be inconsequential. I must really be invisible. I must be worthless. If someone abuses me, at least I know that someone sees me and I'm worth being, if only to be abused.
Oftentimes vulnerability is equated with sharing of weaknesses. I think sharing our strengths and enthusiasms can also be quite vulnerable. If I show my talents others can criticize or ignore; if I share my enthusiasm, I can be shamed and ridiculed. So we learn not to shine.
All this self-work has not only helped me be more compassionate with myself, but also to treat others with love, with compassion and curiosity rather than judgement. I'm starting to see people as children who happen to have aged. We're all just looking for love and acceptance, for someone to notice us and value us, and how we were raised influences how we attempt to get those needs met.
@@lelaine61 thank you for your kind words; wishing you peace on your journey..
This is really profound and I’ve copied it to read again and again. Huge thanks for sharing and for being vulnerable question!
@@frontierflyer thank you for your kind words. . I'm glad you find something useful; I wish you peace on your journey..
Very heart felt and eye opening at the same time. You reminded me of a precept in martial arts... "Accept (not embrace) everything (including oneself) just the way it is". I'm trying to experience and live it and it took me on a similar path as that of the OP.
thanks,bro❤
We suffer more in imagination than in reality!
Some people suffer more than anyone could imagine.
Agreed, although imagination is part of reality. And can lead to physical suffering. Stupid universe
This notion is wrong. Are you raised in a patriarchial family?
Seneca 😊
Jokes on you, I suffer on reality more than in imagination.
"We're triggered now by what we devasted by then" - Beautifully put :'")
Right, and upon re-examination, we might discover that what was then has been changed or worked through. It can now be perceived as irrational and this cure us by taking the emotion out of the trigger.
if you have trauma from past or anything, your anxiety will be triggered even tho there is no danger right now. We'll carry that fear with us for many years to come and it will affect every aspect of our life. It's basically like an invisible handicap
Yes, our survival brain is on high alert all the time. Instead of returning to a calm state, we are always at 80. So some things trigger us and it looks like our anxiety goes from 0 to 100, when it really goes from like 80 to 100.
The most annoying thing ever :/
I don't think we should be thinking about it as a handicap. It's difficult to work through and deal with but existing solely through the lens of our trauma keeps us victimized.
you can see the same in dogs from a shelter: sometimes they are very fearful and then attack just because someone dropped a coin. You don't know what happened to them.
TOXIC NOSTALGIA.
This video is remarkably accurate! My therapist has said, “If a response is hysterical, it’s historical.”
thats amazing, thanks for sharing
but it doesn't solve the issue of being triggered. That is embedded and untouchable so your therapist spouting buzz phrases means nothing
@@chipbuttytime3396 You’re absolutely right that it doesn’t solve the issue of being triggered. Nonetheless, I find it helpful for putting the current, triggering issue in perspective. It helps me to take a breath and think, “Okay, what’s this REALLY about?” which helps avoid a knee-jerk reaction. On occasion, it has even stopped me from saying something I might later regret. THEN taking steps to calm down the triggering is another matter. The perspective of understanding helps me stay out of the depths of the all-too-familiar pit.
@@chipbuttytime3396 It's one statement within the context of ongoing therapy. It's not meant to solve the issue. It's meant to help understand it.
@@chipbuttytime3396i might be wrong but a therapist fix nothing. It clears the emotions fogs to help yourself sees your own fix
The eyes turning into scribbles that eventually fill the screen is so creepy and so accurate to the feeling
Don’t like it, it makes my skin itch
It is very important to understand your triggers and where they come from, almost all of them are deep rooted in the childhood. Going back to your inner child and understanding what and how it felt and giving yourself permission to navigate helps a lot. Personally self awareness of myself took lot of time and looking at yourself as an outsider helps to see what you are feeling rather than absorbing in the feeling it self. Go back to your childhood and come back with lessons and please forgive yourself and accept everything that’s the only way folks. Wish you all healing ❤
Wonderful words
So true. Childhood trauma is usually the root of it all.
Sp true. I'm working on myself from that perspective now. 💕
Repent for sins in Jesus name sothat your conscience can stop convicting you and that spiritual attacks can't rise up against you. Jesus died for our sins sothat we could turn from sins and be saved to heaven instead of weeping and gnashing of teeth. Read bible book Matthew to be saved in Jesus
Grow up. Nobody has memories of what was done to them as a baby but I suppose its okay for some people who were denied ice cream one day.
Being alive is so hard
Why so ?
Change your attitude! You’re making a self-fulfilling prophecy ;)
@@Gabriel-fj7hm how dear??
@@Gabriel-fj7hm how dear
@@bdjjosh1268 Adopting a heroic attitude towards life. Yes, life is hard. But stop being a victim, lamenting, and start to live proactively with courage towards meaningful goals and ideals.
Been trying to recover from trauma: psychedelics helped to start the ball rolling, IFS therapy for almost a year now. But what really started to shift things was working on forgiveness (it's been very hard and painful work). It's interesting as I get triggered less. It's like the more I am able to work on forgiveness the safer my inner child feels. Perhaps it sees it like that: if I am able to consider forgiveness that means the events happened in the PAST, that I am safe NOW. That I am mature now, I can defend myself now and manage my emotions.
With trauma the concept of time is very important. Our inner child/children usually are stuck in the past. Once we start inviting them into the PRESENT and show them that it is safe now they relax. As a result we relax too.
Trauma changes the brain. The amygdala becomes over-reactive whereas pre frontal cortex gets under active. Result: when triggered we feel strong emotions first, then we don't understand why we react that way. Good news are: it's possible to reverse that.
Beautiful to hear
Thank you for sharing your perspective. You've opened my eyes to a few things 💞
Psychedelics helped me a lot, Ayahuasca was a life changing experience.
🙇🙏
Complex PTSD here (neglected child etc...), with occasional violently sorrowful and hopeless emotional flashbacks that go on for hours. A lifetime of self reflection, four years of therapy, psychedelics and tDCS have only helped that much. It's really frustrating.
I always feel guilty for my social anxiety. I wish I could be more receptive and honest but my brain literally turns off in 99.999% of social situations lately.
It has never turned off. Until u are dead
I feel you, It sucks because you don’t reply the way you want to.
@@phaij4623 yeah man its like I know there’s more to me, I’ve seen it, but I’m hiding from myself.
I can completely relate!
Same it is soo annoying and isolating. I come across like I don’t care about anyone around me. But my brain just freezes, I can’t relax
"We want our awful hunches confirmed" this really resonated with me because I'm always wondering why I actively look at things that I know are gonna trigger me. It never made sense to me why I did this. Been working on my Shadow for over 2 years now, sometimes it feels like I'll never heal this wound.
It may not seem like it heals becuase it will leave a scar. But you are making progress and it is a process. Even if you dont realize it, you are making progress. Love you.
@@xw591 I really appreciate that. Thank you 💚
I use to think I would never heal but after a big trigger today I realised that I have healed as there is no hurt in my soul anymore. I suppose what is left are scars and I just have to ride through the emotions, put myself in observer mood and painfully go back in my past as to when the same situation arose. I need to give myself time to process. I am hugely highly sensitive and find it very challenging living in this world and having relationships with people. I am going to try and go with the flow and my heart but feel I must accept I will keep having these triggers if I want to have relationships with people. I just wish people would be nice and just do the basics. I just find it unbelievable the way people are and why this keeps happening. It is groundhog day all the time.....I do not think it will bloody stop until I pass over lol. 😂
@@nicholabrown11 I agree. I think the fairy tale that we can be "cured" of our life experience is . . . a fairy tale and pretty naive of those who believe it. I think an expectation of "cure" is not helpful because it's expecting the cavalry to come over a ridge and everything is magically hunky dory. I don't think life is really like that. I think we have to learn how to keep making adjustments, and sometimes call others on their shit, and figure out what our own shit is, and learn to like ourselves in the way we like our friends: we can tease them about their faults and all of you laugh because what you are really saying is "we see your flaws, but we love you anyway."
This is all true, but trauma is stored in the body. When one gets intensely triggered one enters the fight, flight or freeze state and it becomes extremely difficult to intellectually process what may be going on. The flooding that one experiences comes from the body and that is where the trauma needs to be addressed and re-processed.
Well said, that’s what happens to me. It’s awful, I can come across stupid and vague.
And if you’re Neurodiverse and have been living your entire life traumatised you never know when something is going to trigger you
But how. I'm suffering so much because I can't process it.
I feel your pain but do not despair.
I been a holistic therapist for decades and I have also worked on my own traumas for as long. Knowledge and self-awareness are just the first step and that is the essence of traditional talk therapy. Now you need daily accessible tools and techniques to process stuff and feel back in control, and there are many in these times. As the previous commenter stated, for many the trauma is stored in the body especially if it started at a young age, and there are so many body-based therapies and self-help tools now.
My favorite as a practitioner and as a user is EFT tapping which is "Emotional Freedom Technique" . Super simple, easy, quick and can be used on anything. Lots of research on it and so powerful it's even been approved in some vet hospitals for PTSD and has been highly effective, and you can do it on yourself !
There is an art to what you say as you tap on various acupuncture points but you can't do it wrong even if you said nothing but "I release stress or I release whatever it is that is being triggered" . Lots of free resources online but I would check out the top experts like Nick and Jessica Ortner of www.thetappingsolution.com and David Feinstein PhD psychologist who has written books on it with lots of science data. His wife Donna Eden has some amazing energy management techniques also for mind, emotions and body.
And I teach it and do sessions online with videos and detailed written instructions at www.catalystresource.com
And as far as the general fight or flight or freeze syndrome... Even various breathing techniques can address that at least temporarily. Google stimulating the vagus nerve for emotional regulation. Check out energy work such as grounding and working with chakras and boundary strengthening through sura cleansing, etc. I can help you with that also if you're interested.
A lot of people who create CZcams videos are good at the technology that goes into making those videos but they are sadly lacking in life skills.For instance being "triggered" is practically always your intuition being triggered and you should ALWAYS listen to your intuition.
Thank you for this. The drawing with the family where the mother is close to one child but the other child stands alone. I have a photo where my mother and brother stand close to each other and I am standing alone. I was neglected and alone all my childhood while my mother and brother were best buddies. I get triggered a lot and my family just don't understands. This is hell sometimes for everyone but I am getting better.
scapegoat
*hugs*
At least you understand your triggers.
I’m 63 and only when I turned 50 did I realise all this terror and instability was PTSD and late diagnosis ADHD.
In the last few years I can identify a trigger…..but not all of them, still working on it.
Take it easy everyone, a good friend of mine said “ that’s why we live so long we have much to learn.
Do it with grace and kindness.
@@margo3367 I know. This is really fortunate. I do not see myself as a crazed person anymore and I understand my reactions.
also remember to forgive yourself when you are triggered. It will take a while for us all to process what is actually happening
Yeah forgive ourself. I now say "here it comes again. I'm triggered" Before I'd admonish "Oh I'm so lazy! What's wrong w me!?!"
“We can’t distinguish between something they’ve done that got them sent to prison and something we’ve done that won’t ever be noticed”.
I relate to that SO BADLY.
me too. That line really stuck out.
Me too! Happy to know I’m not alone in that!
I would love a video distinguishing triggers and re traumatization.
We normalize a lot of mistreatment and abuse in society and people who were abused before correctly identify mistreatment but they are told they are " just being triggered" basically they are being gaslighted again into normalizing mistreatment and made to gaslight themselves also again.
It's not the same to be in a safe situation and have a memory of an unsafe experience than to again be in another unsafe situation.
Although now being adults, there are so many adults in positions of vulnerability that make it very similar to being a child. You can't quit that job, you can't get out of that relationship, you can't afford therapy, or a gym, etc. Not everyone actually have these options. Sometimes people try to do it anyways and end up in even more vulnerability without the job, etc
We need to acknowledge trigger is not the same as re traumatization
True
A great example of this is Systemic Sexual Abuse. I live it every day of my life.
So True !!!!
@@Bhlisse Thank you for understanding and supporting raising awareness. Happy holidays to you 🤗
@@NottaTrick Do you need help?
I have a trigger that surfaces around a relative who exhibits narcissist behaviors, verbal abuse and toxic gossip. I've gone no contact as much as possible but at family gatherings I can't get out of, my body reacts with panic. I'm trying to fix it but it's harder when someone else is involved.
Still working on mine. Discovering trauma based therapy was a true revelation for me. I had been in traditional therapy for so long, and hit a wall. The best thing about trauma based therapy is that many organizations that deal with domestic/child abuse, and the YWCA provide this free or at a low cost. Breathing exercises, grounding mindfulness practices, and loving kindness and gratitude exercises along with yoga and walking my dog are super helpful for me. Having a dog is wonderful in so many ways. They love you. You can cuddle them. They need to go out, so you need to exercise, and consider another creature's well being.
@@alexandrugheorghe5610 I'm so sorry about your fur friend. That is the worst. It really is. I hope someday another will wiggle it's way into your heart. I was chosen by the sweetest little kitter cat one snowy day.
Dogs trigger me
unless you have people in your life that trigger you on purpose
Best thing for that. Try to ignore it.
There are people that tend to love to trigger others.
Cutting them off works until you feel better. If somebody isn't helping you or enhancing your life, you need to find other people to reach out to.
@@jamiecee4960 Lots of them! Childish.
Just pause, smile, then calmly say - why do you do / say that? Then look at them with a blank face.
Another useful tool I've learned to use myself comes from Stoicism; specifically a realization of the fact that you can't control what other people do/say/think/feel/etc.; only how you choose to react to them.
All emotional triggers are due to feelings of low self-worth AKA "are we worthy of connecting with other people". This is rooted in childhood if our parents tended to our needs or not. If they consistently neglected our needs, we feel unaccepted and unworthy of love. This manifests in our future lives when we perceive that we are being devalued, triggering our old feelings of unworthiness. "Perceived" is the key word here because it can be something like someone not replying to our text quickly enough, someone disagreeing with our opinions, or even seeing a person who's more successful than us in some aspect. It triggers the deeply rooted core belief within us that we are worthless and don't matter even if there are no ill-intentions. Truly, I don't know how to heal a person who's been wounded like this, and looking at the general population it looks like most people don't as well. All I know is that it can be prevented. So, try your best not to F your kids up.
Gosh your words so resonated with me! I could not face having children of my own. I hate being ignored by people!
Its so ironic because the person I’m dealing with appears to have a huge ego while my gut tells me that they are weak and fragile underneath the facade.
Love is the answer? Being hugged is the answer? Good thing I’ve got my Sailor Moon hug pillow.
This helps me feel better about when I’m triggered. More self compassion.
How do you have self compassion when you hate yourself?
@@brightmooninthenight2111 You go to a good therapist and work through the self-hate. And if you have chemical imbalances, you take prescribed meds.
This actually really resonates with me.
Last Saturday I went to a local (relatively big) choir for the first time, and the teacher separated us in the usual groups: sopranos, contraltos, tenors, etc. The criteria for this separation is generically the extension of voice, i.g., higher pitch female voices sing as sopranos and lower pitch female voices sing as altos. I haven't frequented such a big choir in years. I did sing in my university choir for a bit last year, but it was just starting out, besides, most people who were there were learning how to sing for the first time, whereas I have had individual and choir lessons since a was a child. I actually stopped attending such lessons during my highschool years, so I'd be able to cram for my university entrance exam, (that was four years ago). Moreover, I was always told by my teachers that I was a soprano, and that I didn't reach the characteristically high notes that I was supposed to "because I was too nervous". This made some sense, as I managed to sing them quite well in my bathroom shower, when I thought no one was listening. I was always very insecure and shy when it came to my voice.
Anyways, I knew that I was a medium fish in a very small pond in my university choir. I knew I had not done any exercises seriously in years, and even if I did, I could not expect myself to sing like a Maria Callas or Anna Netbreko. Also, voices change as they mature, even female voices. I knew all these things. Still, I was very surprised when I was put to sing with the altos!
"But why?" I asked my teacher, already feeling a little unbalanced.
"Because you are a mezzo soprano." She answered. "You may have those high notes, but it's your lower tones that are the most lovely!" she said.
She then started looking at me rather concerned. And that was when I noticed I had started crying. Convulsively and unconsciously, there I stood, my tears pouring more and more as I tried to hide my face with my hands, -- not myself understanding why I was having such an extreme reaction to being told I was a mezzo soprano. And my gentle teacher let me cry. She then said that it was okay for me to react that way, that maybe I was feeling overwhelmed because I was finally going to sing in a group again, and that maybe I should find a therapist to talk to. "Maybe," She said, "It's okay to cry. I cry at 61 like a child, and you are just 19. You don't have to hold yourself back from what you are feeling. There is no need to feel embarrassed. But why don't you try to find out what is really hurting you?"
I am actually so grateful that she was there for me at that moment. I did already imagine that I had a few issues from my childhood or adolescence that associate my self-image to my singing voice. That's probably the reason why I did not get back to my lessons as soon as I entered university. Nevertheless, I thought that I had automatically overcome them, after all, "that was all in the past". Now I am beginning to accept that that's not the case, and that singing is not something trivial to me. It's an important part of my life and identity, and I should not stop myself from acknowledging that just because I that feel my singing is inadequate and not as good as it should be. To sing is one of the greatest wonders in my life.
And, Thank you, School of life, for the wonderful video!
it's beautiful to find someone with such a similar struggle with the musical crux of their identity as me. Best of luck to you
@@wistfuloptimist1238 you too! ^^
What a lovely teacher. I'm sure you'll enjoy this new choir ❤
I like the statement that feelings are our own signals to ourself about our needs. Feelings, and by extension trauma and triggered feelings, tell us about our needs and our experience and perception of whether they are / are not being met or will / will not be met. Been learning to listen to my traumatic feelings as not a fixed external reality but as telling me what I'm anticipating and what I need, a signal that can help me meet those needs.
Missed Alain's voice so much. TSOL videos hit different when it's him
I was looking for this comment ❤️
The girl that narrates the other videos sounds like a student sorry no offence its just not as good
Hello 👋🏼
Family scapegoat. The holidays wore my defenses down, plus a flashback. Tomorrow starts fresh but today was messy. Rewatching this. Thank you. Bless.
5:17 is frighteningly accurate as someone who had a depressing 10 years of adulthood. When I gave into my triggers they became familiar to me and I began seeking out people and things to confirm what I was going through, no matter how harmful they were, while shunning experiences that didn't conform to what I felt inside. As a result I ended up pushing away family and friends.
I'm glad I was able to get the help from a therapist and through practicing mindfulness it helped me to avoid negative experiences and accept influence from role models in my life. In turn the love of people in my life also helped with coming to terms with what was triggering me.
To those of you going through the process of grief know that there are people who care, you need only seek them out.
Damn. Really needed this rn. Never really knew what it was for the longest time but after some time and some growing up, i'm beginning to understand. Thanks for your vids, they've been a great help through my hellish yet progressive journey. ♡
I can't stand kindness. The smallest amount brings me to tears. I can't stand it. I don't know it.
You deserve kindness. You are enough. You are not made less or obligated. You are worthy. People are kind and you can learn to relieve it. I hope you start trying.
Ok
@@andyc9902 lol thanks.
@@JohnnyCatFitz Thank you.
It sounds like you don’t trust kindness. Be truly kind to yourself one minute, one day, one step and build on that. Other people can be truly kind but not always.
I always understand why i am triggered. Given enough time, i can competently calm myself. But in the moment, i need to behave well in spite of my horrendeous anxiety.
Whoa! Hearing you say that we are often drawn to our triggers through a compulsive sense of familiarity sparked an instant enlightenment within me as to why I repeatedly chosen partners who are emotionally unavailable to me, exactly how my childhood caregivers were. Thank you!
Good one. I gave up on any self-help videos long ago, but this one was simple, clear and
irrefutable. Added, it helps getting older. You've heard old adages so much through the years,
it becomes buried and forgotten. I've resurrected some and it helps tremendously,i.e., "Keep it
simple, stupid!"
Such an important video, saving for reference. 💛💛💛 a lot of my triggers are smell related, which is specific to my trauma. Any gas smell, rotting anything, hospital smells, etc. I've done a lot of work however and these things become a bit more manageable heading into my 30's. Stable emotional regulation is still a long and difficult process!
this is my biggest problem for social media my mom and dad took my phone away when i first started high school because i just came out and told them i was gay (still am) they thought social media made me gay, but i realized i was gay wayyyy before highschool and it made me so mad and sad because i didnt have friends since i was an introvert and everybody knew i was gay and theres that stigma of "who wants to be seen hanging out with a gay kid who dresses feminine" my parents straight up said "if u were straight we wouldnt have taken your phone" but my lil brother got an iphone and hes only 11 yo?! it made me so enraged at that time because i didnt have any friends and all my friends were online. I'm 18 now w an iphone 14 and I hate to think about the situation but "its over now" so my family just acts like it didnt happen and swep it under the rug. but they "still and always loved me" though but never even wanted to hear/care/tried to understand my point of view of being gay..im shaking rn typing this out because of the past intense emotions of sadness and rage that i dont wana to come back up again. I am still gay.
Oh my God, I’m so sorry you went through this. Now you’re master of your own life and no one can take away your phone. You have the strength to overcome any obstacle and believe me there are people out there who love and accept you for who you are ❤️
Be proud of who you are and surround yourself with people who truly love you regardless of your sexual orientation. Have you tried having an honest conversation about how they treated with you with your parents? Forgive them.
Wow, I really needed this, just, as a reminder of sorts. I have CPTSD and because of the violent nature that a loved one died, it haunts me every day, especially since I was the last person to talk to them. This happened years ago though, and I've been trying to work on it daily. A problem arises because I already have festering agoraphobia contributed to by vicarious trauma (I used to watch a lot of true crime and I live in the United States so the media & the state of the country truly don't help). Being physically present on campus doesn't help either, because earlier in the year there was an incident with an individual and it was not a drill (even though the school immediately covered it up). The person didn't hurt anyone nor was there an actual gun (just BB) because it was a personal fight. This incident, however, really messed me up because I was doing so well before it. I ended up having a panic attack in a classroom closet full of kids because I didn't know if it was real or not and they refused to be quiet.
Even the fact that I'm about to leave high school can't comfort me enough when I have to focus during the day because of just, this buildup of anxieties. A quick example is, kids stampede through the hallways when I'm in select classes because... they're freshmen (I guess? lol) and they're skipping class so they're running from the admins. My main PTSD trigger, from my major trauma, comes from loud sounds in general so that really disturbs me. I think being in a stressful environment so often has really taken a toll on me. I've been forgetting to eat and struggle to get even basic assignments done. And since my anxiety has been through the roof, I'm more prone to outbursts and even my already-crap memory keeps acting up more than usual. Sadly, physical attendance is mandatory due to the nature of my classes and I'll have to try to survive.
On a positive note though, I'm getting closer to my friends so although I can't fully open up to them, I feel warm inside from just having them as company. So that's the love I can attest to for healing. And it's Thursday, so tomorrow is Friday, and then it'll be the weekend! I have an appointment today with my therapist so hopefully, we can try to think about ways to improve this stress.
Thanks for reading this far 🤎
Just wanted to share a kind word-that all sounds so difficult. I don’t know you, but, I’m proud of you! Keep going! And contact your school administrators for any counseling options. It won’t be perfect, but it’s a place to start!
This was so beautifully and clearly articulated. Thank you.
I love this video.
90% of the population are getting triggered every single day and instead of dealing with it they’ll overeat, take drugs, drink alcohol, scroll through social media or seek attention in destructive ways.
Keep up the good work 👏
#growthmindset
omg ! I needed this so much i get triggered very much when someone raises their voice or when someone is disrespectful to me it just makes me go back that fearful blank moment where I feel like I have 0 control over my life and I'm drowning, this made me feel a lot better ❤
I've been going through this my whole adult life, and I still feel kind of like I'm just getting started. Like a few others have said, trauma is stored in the body, as well as in the mind. As someone else said, sometimes you're triggered by a legitimate problem that's in front of you; sometimes by something trivial that reminds you of the distant past. Sometimes it's both. I have come to think of it as "little me" reacting like a child; there's almost two of me there, the adult self, and the little one, kind of competing for control.
There are lots of things I've tried that work for me; none of them by themselves. It takes everything:
* inner child work -- when I get upset, sometimes I just sit down and have a quiet conversation with "little me," offering to be their protector and nurturer, stay with them, and give them the things that they didn't get when they were little.
* EMDR -- in a safe and calm environment, carefully sort back through the past, finding what's associated with this triggering experience; and lovingly rewrite that memory, so that the vulnerable me who was so deeply injured has emotional tools and support that he didn't have at the time. So the next time my mind chooses to rewind to that place, it finds a less volatile memory to draw on.
* "feeling my feelings" -- sitting or lying down and meditating, keeping myself calm through breath control and the like, and asking myself "how do I feel right now?" and letting myself answer that question honestly. Asking only how I feel, and not why, because my emotional self has no idea why.
* When I'm not in the middle of a triggered episode, using my logical brain to sort through all this other crap, and figure out what I really need to move forward.
I used to think that nothing would help; but since learning a whole bunch of tools, and getting a whole bunch of support from people who legit understand, I've actually cast off triggers. There are memories and experiences that I used to be paralyzed by, that are trivial now. I don't know what works for other people, but these things truly work for me.
Thank you for sharing that.
Thank you for sharing what works for you x
Once I detached from people they failed to trigger me. I’m around people but they’re just objects in my path. I’m self absorbed and all about me now🧚🏾♀️💕🥰😎
this is an interesting idea. I'm trying to detach from people as well. But they keep getting in my way deliberately. Any tips ?
Whatever the question/problem, the answer/solution is love
In many cases is self love.
Certainly sounds deeply relatable to a situation I was living these days. My history of hostile, violent or otherwise unpleasant rejections has made me extremely wary of putting myself out there, and these days I'm regretting not taking a step forward towards someone potentially interested just because I was too afraid to be violently rejected again.
I haven't started working on it recently but quite a while ago. And it'll take a while more by the looks of it.
I have only a couple of triggers and now go out of my way to avoid the situations where I can likely foresee something happening. In the last couple of years my anxiety has decreased significantly because of the strategizing. :)
Venting doesn't release pressure. It only intensifies it later from the training effect. When people cheer and shout for their team, they don't feel less jubilant. Contrary. They feel more jubilation and the next time it grows.
Awareness of your emotional response is the first step. Then you must practice the control. The training effect can work for you just as it can work against you.
Take control. Use the training effect to practice your intended response. It takes time and effort, but you can overcome all the negative programming in your biocomputer by practicing your intentions more than your automatics. You must be the master programmer of your bio computer!
Yeah vent and you hope the person solves your problem. When they don't or can't you.have 2 problems!
But if you're able to simplify w a reduced comment sometimes you get validation and that does help
The crazy scribble eyes is exactly how it feels lol
I totally go into tunnel vision
Yes out of control smh
Hahaha 😂 I think my eye’s literally change
As someone who gets very triggered with blood and graphic bodily injuries and is working in medical field, this was comforting to watch. I know my many triggers, but I'm struggling to overcome them.
Take a few years to get qualified to can change professions without leaving the medical industry...a position where you are unlikely to see blood. Preventive medicine, Nutrition or hospital administration or staffing.
Truth is we all thrive for people to tell us what we know about what we should do to be complete with ourselves and never actually do something to empower ourselves or to put ourselves at risk in life. We comfort ourselves in the fact that "we know things".
"What does my worry about what will happen, tell me about what did happen?"
A very, VERY timely video. I needed this so much.
I really needed this video. Thank you 🙏🏾
Do you have triggers? Where might they have come from? If you don't mind sharing, let us know in the comments.
Abandonment, betrayal. Songs mostly, some smells.
I have a lot of triggers. They come mostly from rape.
Sometimes when I get triggered (usually by memories of embarrassment or guilt) my eyes get more opened, my hands and/or my head starts to shake and my breathing accelerates. It only lasts a few seconds. Is it normal?
Touch. I love to hug, but only for some people & family. Yet I hate to be touched without my permission. I am now classed as PTSD with anxiety. I don't like loud noises yet and cannot sleep without noise. If it's too quiet my mind goes searching for danger. SA, Harassment , bullying, loneliness/neglect, comparison with others. Then I did that to my sons, for shame.
Screaming, when certain things are said and tone used
As a teacher of Spinoza and Gurdjieff philosophies and teachings. I have learned the importance of triggers. Events that are disappointed, when desires are not met, feelings of rejection, or being misunderstood. Our emotions are being triggered. Emotions of desire, pain, hate, and anger, communicate our state of being confused. We cannot willfully change or stop triggers. Growth is seeing and understand our triggers. I am looking for students who want a meaningful and purposeful life.
I have always love your videos, very adequate, clear, and inspiring. Doing shorts is okay but I prefer the longer and animated ones.
This was perfect! Thank you for this it was an excellent explanation! Very insightful! ❤
You guys really need to share the audio from the videos to either SoundCloud or Spotify, there’s no other content that I’ve actually wanted to listen to while keeping my eyes closed
Why not listen here and close your eyes?
Triggers are often an expression of trauma. People need to respond with compassion. Not everyone has had the ability to deal with it or had the support to deal with it. First step is to understand what your triggers are and having a strategy for dealing with it. A lot of my triggers are about my self image because of my formative life experiences that were out of my control. Does that mean I should be responsible for dealing with them? Yes. But I also need the people around to me know about the emotional toll it takes to deal with it. I am learning to love myself and appreciate me. It’s taken me years but it’s mainly because I could never really afford good therapy so I have taken it on myself to fix the broken parts of myself. I have come a long way but like everything in life your human frailties are a constant work in progress. So my advice to everyone is to keep learning and growing. We are never the finished article and everybody has issues. Don’t bear yourself up if you have triggers, I think most humans do, the trick is to learn what they are so you can deal with it. Thanks for the video, thought provoking.
Narcissists they are everywhere
Thanks Alain, I was thinking about that topic a lot lately
Much needed!!
Thank you! Your videos are ever so helpful 🙏🏼
Thank you for watching Krutika!
I have been suffering from triggers of unworthiness, inability, imperfection and the feeling of being unlovable for well over 3 years know without even know, except that now it has become so much worse I have realized there is definitely something wrong here. Nonetheless, videos like is is why I subscribed to this channel, a deep and profound, not-so-long explanation, that certainly serves as a reminder.
go easy on yourself. Just keep learning and insights will come. There will be relief.
if you haven't discovered Gabor Mate yet it could be good to do so.
I found that being able to choose from 4 options and labeling the trigger pattern helped enormously ...1..blocking me for no good reason 2 .expectations not bappening 3.something not said or expressed 4 denial of existence ..the last one would devastate me ,but as a child if I didn't " follow the narcissists script " I'd be blasted even for little things ...if rejected in any way it would bring all that ba ck . Now I just name the trigger and the emotion disappears as not relevant to the situation present day .
Your presentation was the clearest I have ever heard ,thankyou ...I'll passit on
Bless this channel.
These videos always make me feel so validated.
Love this animation style ❤️
All of THIS and Thank YOU!!!
The video is very well made and all the points which are super important, are put into it.
This a great video!! Thanks for creating one!
I’ve been fighting how to control my trigger, and it has been futile. My mom left me when I was young (divorce my dad and left the fam), and I subconsciously blame myself for it. I didn’t know this at first. As I grow older, I get triggered if I am accused of doing something wrong, even when the discussion might be hypothetical. I did some reflection and realised where the trigger comes from, but I have no way of controlling it.
This video has given me a change perspective which I hope it can be helpful to overcome my issue. Thank you 🙏🏽
Have you tried therapy?
Here is a process I’m using to manage my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness, and express my feelings and needs. I think they are taken from Patricia DeYoung’s book on chronic shame and Pete Walker’s CPTSD book.
1. Be aware of the feeling I'm having, and give myself permission to feel it. It may feel silly or scary or ridiculous, but giving myself permission to feel it makes it less scary. Don't compare myself with what I think of as normal, or to others. They may seem like they have it all together, but I'm probably comparing my insides to their outsides. Maybe inside they are just as lost and cowardly as I am.
2. Explore where this feeling comes from. I don't think I need to explore my whole past, but I need to ask myself the simple question: "Is this a feeling about NOW or about the past?" Usually, because I was discouraged from feeling certain feelings as a child, the intense feelings are from the past. Resmaa Menakem says, "Whatever is hysterical is historical."
3. Ask myself if that feeling is warranted given the present circumstances.
4. If not, I don't berate myself for having those feelings, and I don't give myself permission to be passive. I try to live in this moment, responding to this moment and not reacting to the past. So, I feel the feeling and 'do it anyway.'
Here's an example. I want to ask my boss for a few days off.
1. I feel anxious, fluttery heart, tension in my forearms. Others may not feel anxious asking their boss for a few days off, but I do. So it's okay to feel that feeling. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid my boss will make a scene and make me feel bad. I'm afraid others will see me asking for a day off and think I'm a shirker. I'm afraid I won't get the time off, so my plans will be ruined. I'm afraid of causing a hassle for my boss and my co-workers . . .
2. I remember being teased by my older siblings for showing any sort of emotional neediness, like I was too sensitive. I also remember being praised by my parents for never complaining, and for feeling shamed whenever I asked for something. Like somehow my desires weren’t valid, no matter how simple they were.
3. This feeling can't be about today because my boss is very sweet, and it's in our contract that we can ask for vacation days. I see lots of others asking for days off, and he always approves them without any sort of protestation.
4. Ok. So, just feel those feelings, feel that anxiety. I settle my body a bit by breathing deeply and rhythmically for a few moments. I dont’ expect the anxiety to disappear altogether, but just reduce it a bit so I have a bit more conscious control . .Then I go ask my boss for a few days off.
This routine has really helped me see what fears are from the past AND to live in the moment without denying my feelings or cowering in the corner. And every time I feel the fear and do it anyway, every time I exercise my will, I exorcise my demons and become more fully whole, a bit more healed. More able to feel and act. More able to have and express my feelings.
A few more thoughts.
Oftentimes neglect is a more powerful form of hurt than abuse. If my feelings, my being is not even noticed, my being alive must really be inconsequential. I must really be invisible. I must be worthless. If someone abuses me, at least I know that someone sees me and I'm worth being, if only to be abused.
Oftentimes vulnerability is equated with sharing of weaknesses. I think sharing our strengths and enthusiasms can also be quite vulnerable. If I show my talents others can criticize or ignore; if I share my enthusiasm, I can be shamed and ridiculed. So we learn not to shine.
All this self-work has not only helped me be more compassionate with myself, but also to treat others with love, with compassion and curiosity rather than judgement. I'm starting to see people as children who happen to have aged. We're all just looking for love and acceptance, for someone to notice us and value us, and how we were raised influences how we attempt to get those needs met.
@@sobrevida157 thank you for sharing, veryinspiring🙏. I'm doing therapy, but I feel stuck, with grief, anxiety, guilt and self blaming, and especially after my mom died 3 - 4 months ago, it has become worse.
It is very challenging
@@sobrevida157 can you please copy and email this to me😭😭😭
@@xIssaBaex I can if you wish, and you can just copy and paste it to a google doc as well. I'm happy that you found value in my writing.. peace to you
Salt shaker
🧂🎶
Never thought that way!
Thanks.
It triggers me! >:(
(Joking)
@@briananeuraysem3321 hahaha! That was funny!
@@briananeuraysem3321Don’t be salty.
(Joke) 🧂🎶
Beautiful helpful video I thank you so much for all your videos they have helped me so much in my life THANKS.
We need to respond to the threats that come our way with creativity ! VERY well said !
this is insightful and helpful. i can use this!
Very well said. We must learn how to control our emotions, then the reactions. Heal from our traumas, accept ourselves and move on with confidence and curiosity about life. Thak you for video, its really helpfull🎉❤
BRILLIANT VID - Once we find the 'displacement; we're halfway to healing our terrified/terrifying outbursts :)
So happy to have stumbled across this channel!
I grew up in New Jersey in the 60's and 70's The whole reason for being back then was to trigger people...Getting a rise out of was considered "a win"...NOT being triggered was an absolute necessity to remaining viable...Once people knew they could push your buttons the harassment never stopped
School was like that back then ....
So many live alone. Shunned by abusive family, abandoned by "friends". Love from others is a myth.
a myth and its hurts so bad when you get your first heartbreak
@@kashish291_0 35 years and counting of never knowing any form of romantic love due to crippling abandonment issues. I'll take any form of heartbreak over it any day of the week.
At least then you can look back at some moment and say to yourself - at this moment in time I was genuinely loved by someone. No matter how brief. Because as it stands, there's only feelings of hopelessness and being unlovable.
This needs to be an add broadcasted on billboards and tiktok :') much needed in today's world
This a very useful vídeo, as every other one you make!
Thank you.
It’s worth dissecting bit by bit for self-knowledge.
Your content is the best out there, without exception. Thank you for all you do!
I found numbing myself and feeling nothing has helped immensely I use distractions to get through the day so I’m not an emotional wreck.
Nice video, very short and yet deep and right to the point.
I love this video, though I might suggest that while triggers are often an overreaction to something many people would find blameless, it isn’t necessarily so. It can as well be an intense emotional reaction to something people might also have a response towards, but the key here is that while many move past that situation, the triggered person experiences much stronger emotions and it is harder for them to move past that situation. Triggers are not just pointed at “harmless” things, but can also be an initial normal reaction to an adequated situation, that then escalates into bigger emotions.
to those confused about managing triggers. first and foremost, trigger is like a stimuli. it is something that is very spontaneous and may seem uncontrollable at first, but is usually from a stressor rooted by our past. what i learned from this video and in real life is that no matter how negative our thoughts may bring us, its almost always 99% worrying and 1% of whats actually happening.
trigger management will never be the same as managing anxiety and/or depression. the latter is quite more complicated esp when it is bounded by ptsd too.
for those ppl suffering in these mental health issues, just know that no person has 100% healthy mind and coping.
we just have to learn how to find our internal zen and practice restrain rather than bursting out our emotions. not only that its very draining, it is really energy consuming.
studies already proved that restrain is better than venting out especially in triggers when the stress level is still at its manageable point.
and btw, i have a bg in psychology thats why i really appreciated this video for being precise about trigger management
The school of life you are doing amazing work 😍😍
Many thanks!
Thank you Alain for your voice again!
This is a good description of how and why we get triggered but it massively over simplifies how to deal with being triggered. Knowing the origin of triggers is a useful component of self awareness but the most powerful and essential element of responding to triggers is to develop self regulation. That can take time and practice and may require professional support. Best wishes to anyone suffering dysregulated responses. There is help available.
I love Alain’s voice
He's talking about a kind of dramatic trigger that I call reacting. but there is an ongoing low grade triggering which I call being defensive that seems to be more pervasive.
Thank you, I really needed this !
Im so glad he is speaking again! It was hard listening to the chick, it wasnt the same. I dont know what it is about his voice. He sounds so wise. I love it.
As usual, this is brilliant and profound like pretty much everything you guys and gals at The School of Life produce. Thank you.
I have spent a good amount of time in the past couple of years with the work of Dr. Besel Van der Kolk, especially his book The Body Keeps the Score. My therapist recommended it to me, and I was astounded to learn that the body contains a record "at the cellular level" of everything it has ever experienced, including and even especially traumatic events. Often for some important survival reason back in the day, the mind, i.e., conscious awareness, might not want to remember something for some important survival reason that the body remembers for, perhaps, a very different survival reason. The mind and body might in these type of instances actually work against each other because they have different concerns or, let's say, agendas. The body is an elegant machine, and its paramount concern is its own survival, which amounts basically to food, shelter and personal safety. The mind, that voice in our heads, has other concerns beyond mere survival, like, say, imagination, creativity, maybe some intellectual pursuits, laughter, an appreciation for beauty, art and nature, etc. On Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which my therapist argues "has not been proven empirically," which I find funny, the bottom two levels contain and reflect the body's primary concerns: food, shelter, and personal safety. The upper levels of that, interestingly enough, pyramid-shaped diagram, contain and reflect all of that other "good stuff" that I alluded to that could or should also be experienced in the course of a human life should the individual human ever develop and express an authentic interest in any of those things. Besides those possibilities, it also seems as though trust, faith, friendship, intimacy with oneself and others and love reside in the upper levels as well, which ought to bolster and encourage anyone who is in survival mode to begin the healing process sooner than later because it seems to take a long time. When all that is being missed out on is considered, though, the work seems worth it, doesn't it?
If a human being experiences trauma and/or neglect during its crucial developmental years, their development becomes "arrested," leaving them permanently in a sort of "survival mode" for the remainder of their lives without significant intervention, which can be summarized as "rupture and repair." I seem to recall that you all had a video about how relationships could be improved via rupture and repair? Anyway, as you say here, your past trauma can stop being "triggered" in the here and now if you use the triggers as clues and keys to unlock the past. I honestly believe, fortunately or unfortunately, that the only way out of the darkness and into the light seems to be through. The "tricky part" is surviving the "rupture" that seems to be a necessary aspect of healing from trauma in order to "repair" oneself. The body needs somehow to be convinced that it is safe in the here and now in order for it to drop its behavioral shields and weapons and get on with the business of enjoying the potentialities of the human experience beyond mere survival.
Another doctor who specializes in trauma is Dr. Gabor Mate. He and Dr. Van der Kolk both acknowledge their own first-hand experiences with childhood trauma, which I believe makes their work all the more important and effective. They both argue that living in survival mode is not really living. The good news is that many different treatments have developed in recent years for PTSD and other negative effects of trauma, so there is hope.
Having spent most of my adult life as a fan of psychology and psychiatry and the value of Freudian "talk therapy," it has been incredibly meaningful for me to come to terms with the work of the doctors I mentioned previously. The Freudian approach obviously has its limitations, which is good to know and sheds light on why some people can spend years on the proverbial "shrink couch" and make little or no progress. Dr. Van der Kolk defines trauma as "the inability to inhabit one's body without being possessed by its defenses." Word. : ) Many years ago, I asked my therapist at the time why it hurt when people were kind to me, and she said, "Oh, you don't have the receptors for that." It would seem as though said receptors reside in the body.
Finally, like Dr. Mate, I think Jordan Peterson's parenting advice is wrong. Punishing a child for expressing displeasure or even anger is teaching the child to repress his or her feelings. Anger itself has value in terms of survival, or it would not have survived the leveling effect of evolutionary processes. Anger often helps us to say, "No," and sometimes "No" is precisely what needs to be said at the time. Ultimately, love is the only thing that can really really heal deep, psychic wounds, but we have to be willing to learn to love and be loved first.
Oh, and just for fun, I would also add for whatever it is worth that I think Jordan Peterson is an A**hole.
Thanks again. : )
Thank you all again for the important and valuable work that you all do. I for one greatly appreciate it. : )
Get to the root of the cause, understand that it's our inner child being triggered in those moments, take care of it and we'll never be triggered again.
I agree with the first half, but not the never being triggered again. That isn't something any of us get to decide. We do get to become very well versed at spotting, accepting, and working through our triggers.
Making a declaration of never being triggered again seems like a sure fire way to invite negative self talk when you inevitably get trigged, and for a time forget the progress you've made. Longer than need be. Think about it, it's something you've never experienced, and have no way of knowing if anyone at all has experienced it.
Dealing with them as they arise is enough for most of us I'd say.
As much as I agree with your premise, I want to focus a key concept: Understanding.
There are two types of understanding intellectual and emotional, and both have several degrees. The deeper one's understanding of oneself (and by extension others), the less they are triggered (in both frequency and intensity).
This deep understanding can only come with repetition of healthy behaviors over time. My advice is then, take your time, learn, don't hate yourself when you slip, and learn from your successes and mistakes.
@@psyhense Agreed. If you set that high of a bar, you set yourself up for "failure." It's similar to declaring on Dec 31 that you're going to exercise every single day from now on -- eventually, you'll miss a day, then two, then three, because it's easier and more comfortable -- or so it seems in the moment -- to do the familiar thing that you've been doing all along than it is to do the hard thing that makes you struggle.
If you've been triggered your whole life and then at 30, 40, 50 years old think, "I'll just do some inner work and put this all behind me," then when you backside, which you will, you'll feel like, "Great. Here's yet another thing I suck at. I can't even control my own self!" and now you've got not only your triggers to deal with, but another nail in the low-self-esteem coffin.
Truly appreciated!
I needed this video 😌
How do you tell the difference between a past trauma response and a valid response to someone who genuinely isn't trustworthy?
I think both can happen simultaneously. For me the crying and emotions are much bigger and longer if it involves past trauma too.
This is a very good video, it explains difficult concepts so smoothly. Thank you ❤️🥰
Thank you for the wonderfull explanation! It helps a lot when is done in a way that everyone understands! Thank you!🙏🌺
BRILLIANT INFO !! Great clear explanation SO APPRECIATE YOUR DOING THE VIDEO!!!