The Best Way To Put Narcissists In Their Place
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- čas přidán 9. 01. 2022
- Narcissists can be highly intrusive as they attempt to put you in your place with their many requirements and demands. But what if you reversed the field and decided instead to put them in their place? What would that look like? Dr. Les Carter describes the #1 way to put narcissists in their place, and (hint) it does not involve beating them at their game.
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As I walk through the valley of narcissism I shall ignore them all
Amen to that, well said.
I love this!
Spot on!
Lmao. This was life to hear.
Like they never existed at all
Total INDIFFERENCE is the narcissist’s kryptonite. No energy, no reacting, nothing. 💥💥💥
Total indifference. That is profound.How much do you care about a penny. That's exactly how much you need to care about the narcissist and everything they say. It's really that simple.
Make them feel Irrelevant. !!!
Hi Sanjana.. How to start with this
so true!
Its actually so hard because you want to take revenge or make them suffer like they did to you but indifference makes you the real you and if u take revenge you are also a narcissist..
A good person is the one wants him and everybody to be happy but narcissist will get their karma
Never apoligize to a narcissist for being true to your own good nature.
Oh boy! That’s so true!
I think she hates me because I’m a happy person 🙄🤨🤨
ABSOLUTELY!
Be careful when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster. - Nietzsche
Great quote!
Unfortunately, this is part and parcel concerning this evil personality type. Ignore them for good and for peace of mind
Put the narcissistic in their place - as far away from you as possible.
We're not together and I'm not on social media so I don't need to block him. I either ignore any txts or I reply with a insult towards him. He's no threat to me as I'm not on any social medi forums. Not Even an email address. I call the shots now so he will be well pissed off🥳
SPOT ON! *GHOST* the Hell out of them, and if anyone tells you otherwise they are not your friend.
absolutely~~
Agree
I love those responses.
Yup. Exactly what I did. The narcissist provoked me, but instead of flipping out I just walked away.
Best day of my life. No regrets.
Leave. Peeiod
Narcissists will always provoke you. They stalk you, too.
They are parasites! They feed off the misery they cause! Like the internet trolls!they are very evil!!
@@tummieflowers2681 yes they do relentlessly, they're obsessive deviants. Delusional lunatics.
Can't stalk what you can't see.just don't interact in any way. They get the message eventually
I play dead. I send them love but I don’t play!
Sending everyone reading this love, peace and blessings to all living beings on earth! 💕
It's called gray rock!
Thank you. I send you healing and blessings as well. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼😊🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
My response to my narcissistic mother ripping into me, “There is more to life than your perception.” Silence.
That would have really thrown the narcissist for a loop.
That is AWESOME. 😂 Ima gonna use that. Thanks!
Stealing this - thanks! My covert narc mom ghosted me three years ago, but never know when I'll need to use it!
👏👏👏👏
Perfect! :)
Let the narcissist realize you don’t care about what they say or think and be confident and calm and aloof - the narc hates that
Exactly. Dr. C
Dr. Carter, I always learn a lot from your videos. I have been able to implement the no engagement tactic with success. However, as the Narc in my life is the father of my children and I need to parallel parent with this person, I am sad to report that I have done exactly what you describe ie display the exact horrible behavior as they do. This person just won't leave me alone. He is constantly sending messages and as these involve our children I cannot simply ignore all of it. He has managed to get under my skin, AGAIN. And now I hate him and myself for getting sucked into the black hole that is his existence. I am so exasperated.
@@moirabijker7117 I have lived what I am about to say and I know it want be easy. Be patient and astute enough to never interrupt a fool when he is making a mistake. Let him play checkers while you sit back and play chess. Believe me when I say that, one day and soon I pray, you will figure him out, you will see how weak he is, but you must put you faith and trust in God. I don't know how close you are with God but start reading the Bible, everything you are experiencing is in there. My mother before she past almost 2 years ago tried and tried to tell me this. While she was lying there dying I made a vow to put my faith in God, so you know mom won.
Anyone would hate that, but with narcs it is for survival.
when my ex was raging at me (we had a young daughter) and calling me nasty names I told him to look in the mirror when he wanted to call me names. He shut up and looked like he had been slapped. He knew deep down inside he was projecting every time he went off on me like that.
Narcissists blow out your candle to make their's appear brighter.
They are full of hot air and b.s.!
"I don't need their approval." An excellent idea to repeat to oneself.
yes!! I was with my narcissist for 10 years and I always wanted his approval but it was so hard to get! 2 years separated and I find I'm still trying to do it at times! but these videos really help. I will repeat this statement!
The only approval you need is that of your employer and yourself.
yup
Perfect!
@@specklebelly79 👏👏👏👏 Just keep doing what you're doing . . . it's not easy . . . if you slip up, just start again; you've got this! They're not worthy of your time or space. 😉
I am an empath, and as such narcissists are attracted to me/us. We don't or I didn't know this when I was younger. I attracted some really cruel, mean spirited people and never knew that. I still do attract people like that, but now I recognize them right away and am able to manage better. But back then I didn't know or even think that such people existed. They can ruin your life and make you look like the bad one. I know. Surviving a narcissist is not easy. The fight for your soul is not just between you and them. It is between you, them, their friends (some of whom you may have thought were your friends), their family, sometimes your own family and so on. I have been there. I know. They will use everything available to them to break you down because they never loved you. They just wanted to have you. Once they realize they can't have you, you are worthy of destruction. Be wary.
Very insightful... I don't WANT to believe I attract narcissistic people, but.. it's strange. There's gotta be attractive pheromones, or facial expressions, some kind of physiological SOMEthing, for this to be happening... either way, ya, I seem to attract them too. Thank you 💜
Our power and weakness: agreeableness.
Truth.
100% accurate ! I’m in that sinkhole 😢🥺I’ll pray for a way out of my circumstance anytime soon it’s insane these type of person have no shame not integrities when it’s time about argument they can roast you to your soul ! I’ll need to be happy and healthy as I use too I’m struggle to get out from this living environment soon ❤️🩹💔😔😭
You are so right.
The best place for a narc is out of my space.
It gives them fuel if you react . Not reacting beats them at their own game.
Wrong. Best is to waltz over them and ignore their reaction completely. I did excellent with that "strategy". OK, I had and have no private relationship to this persons. I walk over them. Period.
@@whitex4652 please elaborate.
Disagree. When I don't engage or even "look" their way, it infuriates him, & makes him get physically aggressive to get a reaction out of me. At that point, I can't just sit there quietly. At that point I have to protect myself- self defense. & then at that point, I'm engaging & giving the narcissist what he wanted. So I can't win till I move out & get my money together😞
@@nickiiimar sorry to hear that. Sounds awful situation.
True
I am a clinical psychologist and agree with your view and method. However, remember those with PTSD or trauma history struggle due to hypervigilance, defensiveness, and safety issues. Narcissists are a particular challenge for them! Thanks for your channel.
So true.
How does one deal with such a person if married to him?
@yolylacy5416 - Divorce. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It takes one person to destroy it. You will be the only one trying to make it work. Guess what he's doing?
You can't "fix" him. He's not broken, in his mind, and you'll never convince him he does anything wrong.
You can't love him out of it. You can't appeal to his better nature (he doesn't have one). The only thing you can do is gray rock him and try to find peace... but you'll be constantly on your guard and never just be able to relax.
@@yolylacy5416 Gray rock. Perfect it. Go selectively deaf.
Yes no peace ever... and when one has been abused by them.. then fights back things get ugly 😢😢😢
I have done that dance, acting like the narcissist back to them. And ironically, they accuse others and me of being the narc and are totally blind to how they've behaved all along. It's an insane cycle. Do not recommend. Just let them be and let yourself live.
I totally agree!! They will try to bring us down in any way!
The most liberating, exhilarating and powerful feeling is when the lesson finally clicks. 💡 And you just made it click. Thank you! Over 50 years dealing with a malignant narcissist and I just had my eureka moment. It's never too late people.
I loved your comment, best wishes to YOU!! DJH- North Idaho
I can relate to your situation. 54 years of constant manipulation. It's hard when the narc is immediate family. These behaviors become seemingly normal when that's all you see for decades. It's not normal or healthy to live in this crazy dance! Good for you!!!
@@nevadadan4113 Thank you! And you as well.
@@MrRandy1221 Exactly. When it's immediate family and you look up to them for guidance and are young and know no better. Some people never got out from under. I feel thankful. But still am aware the struggle will continue. As long as those people are in your lives. But I have the tools now. Good luck to you also!
Through the Grace Of God you ARE A WINNER. Well Done
You nailed it, avoiding arguments and staying calm is 100% defeat for the narcissist.
I can testify to this fact.
Brilliant advice and video.
Yes, yes, and yes!!!!!
Same here her is trying to turn my 13 ur old gaughter against me has her lying now its has backfired she is lying on him
@Bruce Waynesjustice try it with all your efforts. I can guarantee that it's worth it. And the more you've "exercised" the easier it will be. It's an effective weapon. Don't take things personally. And if they do/say something to you that bothers you, don't show it to them. Don't give the narc his fuel. Ignorance is bliss. And last but not least, never forget that how others treat you is their karma and how you react is yours.
It's not so important WHAT has been said, but WHO said it. So, comd on, start training your ignore mode right now
Every human been disurve happiness and we are under no obligation to share our life with a narcissist, unless this narcissist is our parent. If it is a relationship we have to leave if we want to kerp our sanity and happiness.
@@cynthiacombest5 ）
I’ve learned - go “grey rock” and spend as little time as possible with them. I ended up having to quit my job. Best thing I ever did.
#4. And *no defending* yourself! Against the endless accusations and baseless attacks. How we treat others should be a reflection of our own character, as opposed to theirs.
The last thing I will ever do is call out the narcissist and point out their faults. I'm too busy trying to start a new life and their game includes confrontation. No thanks
👏🏽
Bingo
I did tell them once that they were a Narrsise.. They got real upset almost cried.. Said dont you. Ever.. Ever.Ever call me that again. I am not that.
I don’t think I ever realized (until watching these videos) how disempowered and weak I had been made as a result of my narc’s mistreatment. It was manifested in everything - household clutter, weight gain, despondency, insecurity. I could go on.
The crazy thing is, I think he actually likes it that way because then there’s always something for him to criticize about me. The dignity, confidence, and empowerment I’ve gained from watching Dr. C has infused my life and self with fresh, positive energy. My narc has noticed, and it seems to bother him. He’d rather I be as miserable as he is apparently.
I’m a kind and decent person, dang it, and I’m not letting myself be dragged down anymore. I’m allowed to be me.
No healthy person builds up oneself by diminishing another, plain and simple. A favorite video of mine is, Reclaiming Your Worth After Leaving A Narcissist. I'm pulling for you RedDawn. Dr. C
It's very empowering learning we don't have to deal with their you know what, and whatever their opinion of us is not our business. Lol. The look on my husbands face when I told him that was priceless
problem seem to be it may take us for ever to actually appreciate some people enjoy being childish.
@@kamakia-z1y Not just childish...it's WAY worse than that. Narcissists literally savor and enjoy people's confusion, pain and anguish...Which makes them sadists. They are loaded with self-hatred, but project it into others...Which makes them cowards. They constantly seek the approval of ANYONE they can get to...there is no discrimination, (which is crazy making if you are a good person, and you are observing the narcissist try for anything and everything, including weird, skanky, crazy people;) which literally makes them energetic vampires. They are like spiders looking for flies to wrap up and suck the life out of... And there is never, ever enough for them. Avoid these "people" at all costs-- if it is a true narc that you are dealing with, grandiose or covert, either one-- get away and stay away forever. They won't let go willingly because you are "supply," so be aware they will try all different tactics to get you roped back in. It's all a game to them, in everything.
Good for you and I hope you continue to grow in confidence and leave this person! You can be strong on your own!☺️
Currently dealing with a passive aggressive narcissist at work. I've learned the best thing to do is ignore them, don't react to their provocation and if you must interact with them, do so in the presence of others and be as bland, calm and direct as possible. They want narcissist supply from you, don't give it to them.
I am also dealing with this type of personality at work. She is brings customers into her drama often, as well as coworkers. This is what gets to me. It makes us all look bad. I reacted to this, 2 days ago, and it made me look bad too. For that moment I allowed her to make me angry. It only made things worse. She talks to herself constantly, saying not so nice things about everyone and everything. "Well, I can see WHY you're not a manager" was her loud enough to hear statement she made while facing away from anyone...I was the only person within ear-shot and it was random. I ignored her and stayed happily doing my job. She tried even harder to get a reaction. She hopes I crack and go to my bosses. I don't want her drama.
@MichelleWard-fy5ym luckily for everyone at my place of work, this individual has been let go. Typically, these types of people are responsible for their own downfall and its only a matter of time before their behavior comes back to bite them. I just feel bad for whoever they get stuck working with next.
Currently dealing with not one but two narcissist at work. I won’t give them them the satisfaction of taking their drama queen bait. Really pisses them off because they live to get a rise out of you just so they can point fingers and make themselves justified. I laugh at their negative histrionics. What miserable people they are. One day they will pick the wrong person to attack and it will be their last.
@@susanphillips6791💪🏼🔥🔥🔥 excellent example. Thanks for sharing
Me too, I have an email only communication policy. That way everything she says is in writing & I then only respond 24 hours later & only during the week to protect my boundaries & prevent myself from saying anything I regret. This gives her zero satisfaction b/c I refuse to engage in the crazy making & baiting. She is blocked & cannot call or text me. Protect yourselves!
Block. Completely ignore. Give no reaction to ANYTHING they do, and above all, don’t walk away...RUN !!!
I gave up and re-blocked my narc dad's phone number, for my own protection. I still live in some fear, just not in overwhelming fear. Dad's attitude problem, his responsibility, I am not to blame, not matter what he says! He provokes, laughs at me, sadistic dad!
I was married to such a person for 7 years. Honestly, I’m not sure how I made it except for God’s grace. The insults, devaluing, condescending behaviors , you name it. It got so bad that physical and emotional abuse started when I wasn’t responding or engaging the way she wanted. I started to insult and behave the same way when she did these things to me and then one day it hit me. I asked myself “Oh my God what am I becoming??” That was the time I realized I had to get out of that toxic situation for my son’s sake. She hasn’t changed a bit and never will but I’m now in control of my life and just laugh when I get insults, belittling or condescending messages. I avoid any physical contact except if I have to pick up or drop off my son in a public place. Thank you Dr C. Excellent as always 🙏🏿🙏🏿❤️
Please protect your children.
Same situation as you. I still have two boys that live with her so I have to maintain civility for their sake. But I figured out right away that even taking her constant crap through emails or texts was too toxic for my emotional well being. I only communicate with the kids and go "no contact" with her.
@@jaimhaas5170 thats a tough situation.
God bless you
Ernie and Jaim, I know what's not working in my case , and that's to dictate. Self sacrifice and giving seems to patch it over for a time. I'm still not sure how to relationship to an amicable continuation.
Since your best bet is to have the narcissist out of your life, I'd gather that the best way to put the narcissist in their place is to disengage, emotionally and (if necessary) physically.
You hit it right on the nail's head!
It’s what I learned and has been drilled in my head while divorcing my narc
Spot on! 👍🤗♥️
Yep, but still I can't leave my family....
No Contact with these creatures is the ONLY way to go!
Walking away is very difficult but very satisfying. Its a good feeling.
Walking on eggshells, silenced and putting up with their crap for fear of them blowing up if we comment, or express an ooinion other than theirs
Sounds like my dad, the bully!
That's call gaslighting
There's nothing that a covert narcissist hates more than, when they can't get you upset! So they can stand back and point out how crazy you are. 🙄 Their currency is to get you to respond. It's actually quite funny but it does require you to have good boundaries. I've learned that lesson the hard way. Just remember you give them an inch they'll take 10 miles.
I was laying on the bed, reading, when my narc came in and said, "How dare you be so content!" Then he said "just kidding". I just looked at him. To every just kidding, there is a hint of truth.
I love how you put that "covert". They want you to feel like you can trust them so you'll let them in and when you do, they turn on you out of no where and use your conversations against you and tell others too.
Hubby of 30 years tried to passively start a fight all day. I didn’t take the bait. He finally blew up at how “hatefull I was being. he threw things, screamed and called me names. “No sir. This one’s on you”. I packed my bags. He gave a big sigh and apologized, but he actually said that I should tell him when I am upset and talk about it. I was not upset until he started throwing things. 30 years and he had never acted that way before. I realized that he never had to as he baited me successfully and I reacted. We have a very different relationship, now, because I don’t care how he feels. I do me without trying to please him, first. He can take care of his own nonsense.
Boundaries is what I have been setting into place. I refuse to have contact when he drinks. I’m lucky because there are 3 bedrooms in the main house and another one in the apartment that was once a 3 car garage. So I’ve been staying in the bedroom that takes you going through 7 separate doors. Yet at times it’s not even enough. I’m trying as hard as I can to fix my home . As it had a tree fall and caused a leak idk. So it’s taking me time n what little money. I receive. Last month took everything I had. Yet I will get what I have too n the mold cleaned. It’s just hard as I am disabled so I can only due so much and have no one to help me. So I am working little by little getting the mold n mildew from the ceilings and everything. I’ve got to get a washing machine. I’ve been looking for used ones as I cannot afford a new one. As long as it works I’m good. Then my 2 Furbabies they are sick with breathing issues. I had to put my almost 18 year old to sleep. It was almost more than I could bear. He was such a wonderful protector of me. He was not just a dog. He was my baby. As well as my ex husband who was not a N. Just passed away on this December 24 2021. I could always count on him as he was my ex yet remained my best friend. For 22 years. He never remarried or dated anyone after we divorced. It’s true you do not know what treasures you have. Until they are gone. So I’m grieving for my Furbaby as well S his very unexpected death. I’m beating myself to death. Because I could not see what was right under my nose. He truly loved me. When we were married and for 17 years afterwards. He was a simple kind of man. The reason we divorced was not because either of us was with anyone I thought I was doing him a chance to have a normal wife n life after I suffered a total breakdown. He said love n marriage meant good bad, poor or sad. Which I now totally understand. Yet at that time I felt totally unable to be loved. My heart brakes. Due to my low self esteem. He believed in me more than I ever could or will. Yet I’m slowly getting it together. Thanks everyone for the nice comments as well as Dr. Carter. He is a special good man as well as Therapist. 💖💖💖
@@ladykimberly4384 Amen that’s one of the truest statements I’ve read. You share because you want to be as transparent as you can. Then later on down the road the N. makes you eat everything you ever said to them. For me never again will I trust a man in that way. I may be wrong yet it’s true. I’m a work in process. Thanks so much for sharing.🌺🌺🌺
I remember an old Bud Abbott and Lou Costello skit, where Bud said to Lou,
"I'm the boss, and you're nothing, do you understand?
Bud said, "Yes, I understand, you're the boss over nothing.
Rules are for others, not them. Politeness is for others, not them, tone in voice is for others, not them.
They should keep their sadism to themselves!
Don't pander to the narcissist's immaturity/insecurity!
They love to be pandered to, older narcs play on their age or poor health to make you their servant and make everything revolve around them.
Yes. Thanks for the reply!
WALK AWAY. BLOCK BLOCK.... works every time it's tried!
Retired Flight Attendant here, making a Narc Safety Announcement. "If the masks deploy, put your own on first, then ignore the narc beside you." NOT engaging in arguments with a Narc depletes their supply of power. Staying Calm and being prudent and untouched by emotional manipulation will be like watching someone turn purple following a high-altitude decompression.
G: I am sure you encountered many narcissists in your work. I’m impressed by how workers in the airline world roll with assholes. For me, I would first say, ‘Put your seat belt on now or get off the fucking plane!” LOL
Great PSA!!!🤣😂
😂😂😂👏👏👏
I agree with you sister , you have to take care of yourself , I put everyone else first not anymore
I told a narcissist, I can't die this way. In other words, I can't make this back and forth bickering uselessly part my life! When in the trenches with this kind of craziness I feared I would die before I figured it out. More at peace now through education of this phenomenon called narcissism. Thank you so much for your videos. You are helping a lot of people.
I got away. Thank you
@@memoryrinehart4452 I got away. Thank you
Exactly!!! Glad you learned! My health deteriorated / ing ever since I got back together with the hub.
It's hard, but by not engaging, this act saves you a lot of energy!
This is SO helpful for me. I just realized that I’ve been close friends with a covert narcissist for almost 20 years and only just realized it. After learning about this disorder, I guess I “unmasked” her when I didn’t make a life altering decision she insisted I make. She became withdrawn from me, snarky eye-rolling, talking to my friends and coworkers behind my back, and just all around negative and haughty. I asked her gently what was going on and she attacked me. When I, very kindly but confidently defended myself she started ghosting me. I just leave her be 😅
You too😂
Same here😂
😅obnoxious to the core
🏃♀️.....😂
Totally agree with this video! The more we disengage with the narcissist the stronger and less emotional we are about their negativity.
@Roberto Biagio Randazzo we are not the ones who do our own justice. God will do that in His own timing. We are told not to exact revenge. Christians are called to treat all people with dignity and respect if we are in their presence, however, we can choose whether to spend time with someone. If our respect is hated we are to remove ourselves and be open to friendships with those who do not do destructive things to others.
AMEN
@Roberto Biagio Randazzo The narcissist will bring a gun to the "accountability knife fight." You'll never get outright satisfaction or justice; you have to be confident that giving them zero of anything: your time, attention, interest, opinion, reaction, thoughts, beliefs, values, dreams, arguments . . . Give them one-word, emotionless (not good or bad, sarcastic or rude), dry, no-information responses to anything they do or say.
Their entire game is to get your interest or reaction, good or bad. Give them a flat voice, no expression, "Oh", "Okay", "whatever", "mmm-hmm" . . . It will literally drive them out of the room.
If you have to speak to them, keep it bland, as short as possible, and completely indifferent to whatever they say.
My malignant narcissist family member moved halfway across the country within a month or two of when I was finally able to do this every single time. When you give up trying to win or prove something or get accountability, you may get to see their rageful outburst or disgusted look, at best. In my experience, he couldn't get away far or fast enough once he realized I had figured out how to stay outside of his silly game. Like the cowardly bully he is, he ran. Life is amazing now.
@Roberto Biagio Randazzo Moreover Karma has no menu ,the Narcissist gets serves what he/deserves.
Absolutely- much less emotional damage ….
To fall into that place wherein you feel you need to get them to understand, want to try to reach them, attempt to make them see….just remember….the narcissist will never ever ever ever understand, be reached, or see. Ever. Your time would be better spent centering yourself to come to the realization that any effort you make is pointless, and should be directed elsewhere, on something else, that could actually benefit. Always a great video!
Not ever. They will take it to their grave, and you with it, if you're not careful. Especially if dementia has set in.
I'm just trying to dodge bullets.
Amazing advice here, people
It really is priceless information to gaining clear, healthy understanding. I really have been surrounded by this disturbing personality trait my entire life and I needed to recognize many of the negative issues in me, in fact related to mirroring for which I am guilty, but no longer. Every day forward, my life journey will be to connect through therapy, honesty and respect which already is and will continue building genuine joy and peace. Team healthy. Such an awesome club! Forever grateful Dr. Carter!
(Sadly, still, so many unable/unwilling and that will always be a hard truth for me regardless🥺)
How do you suggest we do this with our governments? They are using same tyrannical tactics. Scientists and doctors are being muzzled. People are complying....
@@sherrybonnett4827 Please, let me recommend "How to disagree without being disagreeable " the number one book on verbal defense that got me over the top! Amazon kindle!
Next, and this is from painful experience, my last comment is no exaggeration.
If deep in your gut you feel your life may be in danger, get out, run, fade away.
Pigs dont fly and rocks dont float.
This is tough to do, but I'm going to try it with my narcissistic husband of 29 years. I don't want to sink to his level anymore.
Don't sink at all: your victory!
Take it a day at a time and a put down at a time but never give up and never give in. When you fail, as you will, just ignore it and keep on going.
It is never too late to get out and go no contact, its hard to start again, often with nothing but living with a narc is no life at all
You deserve better than him! I deserve better than my narc dad! He will not accept that, his lousy attitude; his problem! He tells me I am the one with the problem. He's wrong!
@@jackilynpyzocha662 I went no contact 4 yrs ago with my Dad and it was the best thing I ever did!
Love the sleeping pup on the couch. That says a lot. Thank you for your message and tools to deal with this situation.
His name is Gus. I agree.
I think it was around the four-minute mark before I even noticed him. He’s beautiful and seems like the type of companion I’d have if I were “a pet person.”
I'm like Garfield the fictional cat. Napping!
I spent the better part of a decade mirroring my narcissist husband. Letting him push my buttons. These methods have given me my life back and are spot on!
Me, too, with my mother. No wonder that things temained the same. „Ok“ and then silence is the best asnwer whatever they say. If they say that it rains cats and dogs even the sunis shinning, the best way to answer is to say: „Ok.“
Mirroring is a tactic.
I did the same with my parents. They always wanted to argue & do everything he talks about. I had to go no contact. 12 years now & I don't miss either of them for even 1 second!
These are perfect.
@@tammydacascos3572 Mirroring is a tactic, however, not a helpful tactic to use with a narcissist because now you are behaving exactly like the narcissist and this is a DOUBLE WHAMMY for YOU because this keeps you giving the narcissist their toxic supply which is exactly what they want from you...Plus, it's exhausting for you because you are not only getting abused by the narcissist, but you are abusing yourself by mirroring the narcissist's behavior..!! Disengagement is the best strategy....!! You know the narcissist will eventually betray you so treat the narcissist the way you would treat any other person who has betrayed you...treat them like the betrayer they are..!! Hope this helps you..!!
I stayed with a narc for over six months, it was a nightmare.Everything was the devils advocate position.He would start off being friendly then a barrage of insults and contradicting me .He gossiped with everybody about me and he was as mean as bat shit.Please remove yourself as quickly as possible from this toxic environment.The PTSD will linger long after you leave.
I had narc neighbors like that...they couldn't stand me living in peace, & they gossiped/smear-campaigned to isolate me...provoked me endlessly in different ways while I ignored them since I experienced that they thought my quiet nature was some weakness they could bully. One mean couple regularly sat with chairs on the neighborhood road just in front of my house-gate where I had to drive & make a turn to get into my frontyard. There was another of their instigated-by-them-friend who yanked out my telephone-line cable, so I could not use my computer - knowing I was a writer and my work would come to a standstill...( before wireless devices were available ) another of their meanie abusive friend next-door, a 65yr plus postman who fraudulently entered his name into my house property documents, and illegally blocked a neighborhood road and installed a gate as if that road was his personal property, ( his wife being an absolute enabler, egging him on). She hid behind my boundary wall pillar where my exit gate was, one hot afternoon when my cousin sister & I had to go out, and jumped out in front of my car suddenly while her mean husband watched sitting in a chair few feet away. She wouldn't move though I honked much, then moved away when she realized I did not get out & react to this terrible provocation. I drove off calmly with my cousin witnessing this.
When you refuse to react, they raise the level of provocation.
They are pure evil who are only happy in causing misery in those who live peace-filled lives.May God punish all such evil people.
I had a next door neighbor who was a narcissist. He made the ultimate mistake and did a reverse mortage on his home. Soon, he moved away and died a few years later.
@@lexbeltran1354u killed him?
My favorite is when they ask for my social media accounts and I get to say, "Oh, I'm not on any social media". It breaks their brain for a minute. They can't use social media and its unique conditions to bully you there, and they cannot understand why you wouldn't want to be on social media in the first place.
😂😂😂 same with me
They want social media as an additional way that they can weaponize personal information.
Wow this totally happened to me also I just said I don't have Facebook and I saw her search all four quadrants of her brain lol.
After 30 years of marriage I came to understand that hubby was a narcissist and it wasn't all my fault. I found that indifference was my best course of action. He realized he was no longer able to control me and filed for divorce. Although my entire world has changed, I am so much better not having to constantly walk on eggshells in fear of setting him off. My only concern is for my 3 adult children who are believing the lies he's pumping into their heads, trying to turn them against me. And yes, the ink was barely dry on the divorce decree before he eloped to Vegas with his new target. But no longer my circus! Thank you for this great content! I will continue to watch and heal. :)
Janet, thank you for sharing your experience, I hope your still healing. I wish my sister in law had left my brother before his behavior caused her life to end from trauma, illnesses then heart failure. You are very courageous may you continue to have a peaceful and joyful life 👍
Love your line, "not my circus". Best wishes for your healthy future!
Let him be the liar and a/hole. You hold your head high no matter what because you are the better person. Your children eventually will see the truth and if YOU relax in YOUR life and mind good things eventually will arrive.
Keep your empathy for others obviously but live YOUR life and what keeps YOU happy. Peace.
A similar thing happened to me. One year, he's saying he loves me and wants me back after I'd had enough and filed for divorce. After the divorce, he immediately sought another woman. He dated one who broke it off immediately and dated another woman and was married to her 13 months after our divorce was finalized. Our children don't like her.
Congratulations on your divorce and that he remarried quickly. My ex tormented me for several years until I learned how to not react. His longtime girlfriend is as bad as him, but at least they don't bother me as much anymore. (Any event with one adult children is a new opportunity but not reacting is the best payback.)
When my mother realized I wasn’t engaging with her poor behavior anymore she cut me off.
My Mom did the same thing to me, so I empathize! I began grieving the loss of a relationship we'd never had, which prepared me emotionally for her unexpected death 5 years after she cut me off with, "My feelings for you are dead. You go live your life and I'll live mine!"
Praying for your peace and the building of your life in the dignity & joy that is your birthright. 💜🙏💜
@@melissam.6054 That is So Sad a mother is more willing to cut their own child off then sitting down and talking about the problem. Being honest and open. Move forward every day with peace, love and kindness. 🦊🙏
Me too...as I learned to own myself and be autonomous and not participate in her drama, I then became a threat. Too many lies she told blaming me for everything and now that I might expose her with truth and my side of the story...14 yrs of stonewalling, our whole family in shambles. My kids and siblings are loyal to me, so I'm lucky. It's been a bumpy road for sure.
Lucky YOU!...no more dealing with "AN EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNKIE" who wants a reaction from u.
@@nicolem2113 Same situation with me...mom and her 2 flying monkey older siblings have spread lies about us twins all BECAUSE WE SET BOUNDARIES AND demand dignity, self respect and civility...we twins r at peace and are no contact...i do mail birthday and Chriatmas cards. in her effort to always CONTROL, narc mom told my twin she does not want to hear or see us again...FINE with me no more dealing with AN EMOTIONAL PSYCHOLOGICAL JUNKIE just to get reactions from us.....the ONLY time she said she "loved" us was when I helped my twin move out of her house and she only said that cause flying monkey brother was recording us hoping We'd have an outburst in THEIR crazy-making schemes but alas I HAD BEEN EDUCATED on SURVIVING NARCISSISM'S videos and KNEW what I was dealing with....left with calmness and NO MORE DRAMA in last 9 month's!!!!
It is so important to keep your composure and sense of self with a super smart narcissist. They can use clever argument to have you second guess yourself and consider "maybe I'm the problem after all". If in your heart you know you are not, don't fall for it.
So true. The gaslighting. Stay away from these people. They’re smart but have zero wisdom, and they’re proof that it is possible.
They’re deeply insecure, that is why.
@@thesunandthemoon9995 you bring up a very important observation that is spreading throughout our current culture... the issue of wisdom. There is SO much focus on speed of information, access to information, material success, etc. etc. that there is almost no true discussion or development of wisdom. When we tune our minds to recognize what wisdom is vs. data and the material, we can see and hear so much more clearly.
Even if they’re not smart but you were raised by them they train you to blame yourself for everything and anything they can come up with. It’s especially true for family scapegoats. They will say some pretty outrageous things but if you’re the type who absorbs people’s energy they will effect you and you will believe the lies.
Good advice! 👍🏻
I've had a old narcissist pop up in my life recently. They were invited to a friend's birthday party recently and it was sickening seeing and knowing that the narcissist is around all of my friends, putting on their fake, sweet, public persona.
I'm a senior now and still dealing with the fallout from a household dominated by an angry, impatient and condemning narcissist parent. I now am trying to deal with sibling relationships that are enmeshed and unhealthy. The approach in this video is one that I've tried and found very successful. In moments where I'm physically tired or emotionally weak, I can easily revert to engaging with my siblings in unhealthy ways, but I am learning to forgive myself and start over. This approach is effective, first of all, but it also puts us in a position of dignity, respect and civility as Dr. Les mentioned. So we are giving ourselves what we need, that is: the affirmation we've been looking for all those past years. Thank you for this video!
MP Gibson,You deserve better
Toxic Cousin W.D.S ( yeech)! Bye!!!!
Ditch the siblings!dint forgive or look back...they only get worse.
No one deserves disrespect. What works for me is to avoid these people all the time.
@@paulinerichardson138 Forgiveness is essential for our wellbeing not theirs. I truly think they have no control over their illness.
They ask you to bring them a diet coke and as you bring it to them they'll say "are you calling me fat? I asked for the regular coke". "hey honey let's get married" it sinks, then they'll say "well this was all your idea". They highly encourage a purchase and when it turns out to be junk they'll say "I didn't force you to buy it". They convince you into visiting them when they are hours away then ghost you and then call or text you many hours later if not days later just to say "I didn't tell you to come, you want me to reimburse your travel expenses?" Now you look like a fool in the airport or hotel not knowing what to do. Etc etc. The constant theme of narcissism seems to be the process of conditioning victims into making a specific desicion that fits their agenda whether it be for financial gain or just for mere entertainment, and when it falls apart they act blameless and push the burden of responsibility unto you.
Praying for you and everyone here. The best mental armor for me has been accepting the reality that I'm dealing with an emotionally disregulated toddler who's incapable of logic, reasoning, or rationality, due to living in the alternate universe of their own psychopathy.
It's not my responsibility to fix toxic toddlers trapped in adult bodies, causing chaos, drama, destruction, and wounding others.
I pray for them from a distance and hope everyone can remove themselves or disengage from the toxic entanglements.
We have more important things to do like preparing our own lives for the increasing mass psychosis of society, than waste time mud wrestling with emotional toddlers engaged in malevolent, spiteful behavior.
Peace & strength to you, dear tribe of Overcomers❣💪😎👍💜🙏
@@melissam.6054 Denial is the first stage and can take years if not decades to overcome, acceptance of their nature will set you free. Victims hesitate to walk away but little do they know it's the best part.
Oh the mind games…Run!
wil - yes ! the travel thing happened with me repeatedly ( with a narc relative ) ! I finally wised up and stopped trying- It took me YEARS to get over that loss(10 )… but I prefer the empty heart to the damaged one .
Exactly, Dr. C. When the narcissist is saying things with contempt or disdain, I just reply looking straight at him that "I consider the source" and then walk away. No longer will I lower myself to his level. I am and will continue to be the better person. Thank you, Dr. C. 💕
I really like that. I’ll keep it in mind. Thanks.
Thank you for the perfect response! “I consider the source “
You're more than welcome! It's a short, sweet, and very true response...😉
Eh. That's still combative. Just passive-aggresive. The biggest narcissist I ever knew loved that phrase.
Maybe try: thanks for the feedback. And walk away.
I realized I was becoming him. I wanted him to hurt and wallow in anguish like I would every time he belittled me. I started yelling and insulting just like him. I'm not sure our relationship will ever change if it continues but thanks to these videos I'm able to analyze and correct my day to day interactions with him. I feel I am growing as a person. I have a lot of work left but with God's grace, I'll continue to improve whether he follows suit or not.
I have entered in that dance and dislike how I’ve acted. After ruining us financially, cheating on me for 15 years off and on and ensuring I know he’s more important, I quit. I quit having marital relationships of any kind and sat down on the sofa. I use to be healthy and happy and have allowed his awful gaslighting to defeat me.
My husband is the Covert naracissist which is so hard to spot that I allowed him to destroy my health and self esteem for a long time. I now see him for who he is and have told him in no uncertain terms. Ha. You can imagine how well that went.
Thank you Dr. For this insight. I will shape up.
Its they who need to shape up! Remember
I honestly hadn’t realized that my neighbor “friend” was a narcissist until I saw this video. I felt exhausted and resentful after giving her fuel, so I stopped validating her, which made her increasingly frustrated, which spilled out whenever we were together. My husband is friends with her poor, highly controlled husband so I tried to make the relationship work. When I told her that her controlling behavior was uncomfortable for me, she left me at the restaurant to pay the bill and get home on my own. Now, she won’t allow her husband to hang out with my husband. The irony is completely lost on her.
They can have astonishingly low self awareness. Dr. C
I had a neighbor “friend” who I had to tell to never contact me again. Best feeling ever. Luckily she sold her house and moved away and it’s been 2 years now and still no regrets. I am one of those people who will try their hardest to find the good in someone and be everyone’s friend but this was a type of person I had never experienced before. After watching this I know I did the right thing. Let her troll on someone else.
I've been no contact for 9 months now...a 5 year horror story...in which Stephen King could've easily made millions on...I'll skip the dramatics...this Doctor and my faith in God got me over this...I started ignoring and was not responsive to any of her BS as well as her son's..as well...yep a dual dilemma...I feel free..one quick episode I'd like to share...they made me walk 8 miles home, after countless texts and calls...God love em..but they will rot in he'll..
You are not kidding about them having astonishing low self awareness. It's funny how he could speak of the importance of self awareness yet not possess it. Same with empathy. I was very confused by this for a long time, wondering what was wrong with me until I could no longer deny the fact that he has neither. Good luck to you Susie, it's sad your husband's friend isn't allowed to hang out anymore. Narcissists, I'm learning, feel very threatened by anyone with the potential to shine a light on their serious character flaws.
😂😂😂❤️ Good riddance!
This video certainly helped me understand what "turn the other cheek" means. You show the narcissist that what they do to hurt you or control you has no effect. You can maintain your dignity and have no reaction to their unhealthy, controlling, argumentative behaviors.
Excellent comment! Thank you!
Yes, don't show interest in their interest! So well said!! Don't engage!!
I've found mirroring the narcissist shocks them, doing it consciously so that they "choose" to leave me alone and find an easier target, I've gotten some good laughs to myself out of it too, seeing how they react when they are treated the same way they treat me, it shocks them to the core to suddenly not be able to influence me or my life, suddenly they are sickly, pale and lethargic, unable to leech anymore.
Best ways to put a narcissist in their place is to create the place (a throwaway project or something they think you have heavy desire for). Then lock them in it, leave it. Abandon it, let them have it, let them win it, make them seem like they have control everything you created and it's theirs for the taking. You live your life separate, in recovery, if they attempt to win you back, gray rock them. Mellow them out. You rebuilt yourself in secrecy. Focus on YOU.
Good strategy. I think I achieved this without realizing I was doing it at the time.
@@eaglessoar6830 Didn't realize it either until I've had a bit of time pondering about it. Best decision I've made. The amount of energy drained that this person did on a daily basis led to nothing getting done. I was dealing with a person that feed off my failures and leeched off my efforts. Once I left, that person crumbled with his empty promises he would tight me along with him. There was nothing for him to scapegoat off anyone and then tried to reluctant try to get me back which I will never do again. I'm finding much more success in secrecy while keeping him at bay from it by seeming miserable.
Wow that is a great tactic, "throw away project" I love it! What I did with my narc was sound boring like nothing was going on in my life and when I had to speak with that narc, I stonewalled made it seem as if life was tough but same old same old. Never sharing upcoming successes, happy moments or even (what I may be pondering about) giving nothing to feed off whether negative or positive. Also when that toxic person would Call to control me, I would say "ok let me get off the phone and do that right now" making that person feel accomplished...like they had control. If it was a simple call to a relative I did do it but bullshit I did not comply, just made it seem as I was controllable. After few yrs of dealing w/a toxic individual you see CLEAR patterns...it becomes easy to see what toxicity, arguments lie ahead, making it easier to Dodge the bullet. When it's family you sometimes can't completely cut them off. But you certainly can distance yourself, move to another state, or avoid meeting them in places. Live your best life without them knowing :)
THEIR PLACE IS ANYWHERE AWAY FROM. ME.
My sister would sling backhanded, passive aggressive cut downs at me every single time I was around her. I once decided that I was going to talk to her with the same tone and snark that she spoke to me with. Well... that did not work, she became the victim. I pointed out that I was simply speaking to her the same way she speaks to me. Still didn’t matter, she has/had the right to speak to me poorly and undermine me every chance she had because I was so inferior to her (in her mind). She brought up her “birth right” every chance she got. (She is older by 6 years). My parents played into that whole, the older 2 get benefits the younger two don’t.
It’s so multifaceted when climbing out of the relationship but I finally did 6 years ago. With each passing year my self esteem grows.
I still send birthday and Christmas cards and leave it at that.
Almost exactly the same experience as yours. Sibling could not believe that she said something that would cause me to ask for a 6-week "time out' to process things before reconnecting. After reconnecting, she did not want to discuss what happened. We are now 2 years into sending birthday and seasonal cards (Civility, Dignity, and Respect). Works for me!
You do know your sister drops the cards in the trash without opening them. Stop requiring yourself to send the cards. It means nothing to her. Could be a recurring source of irritation. Who knows.? Send a card to an elderly friend .
Lololol Hahahaha still sounds just like my sister to me. She’s is always so unfair to me
I am slowly getting better, I am finding my senses back, I can think now. I am sure I went in a state of shock for around 2 years as I couldn't wrapped my head around my situation and how my life has been going until then that led me to end up helpless. I missed out a lot on life. Always dealing with stress, social anxiety, suicidial ideations... Lack of confidence, self-esteem, confusion, frustration.... I am leading my life to be peaceful now. Just that. Sometimes I'm scared I might not succeed and get stuck in this nightmare I used to live in but I know this isn't helping me.
I need to get my senses back, why am I putting up with it for so long,
❤❤🎉🎉
Keep going. Better life and better you is there uf you follow it and trust yourself
Same here, but it still hurts. We deserve better than the narcissists in our lives!
As you said once before - “don’t get into the pig pen with them”
I became a rock / stonewall whenever my father start his drama
I feel bad & mad sometimes but whatever. It just a waste of energy & not worthy
I thought I was an empath for a long time. Now I realize that I’m just hyper vigilant.
So now I’ve tried gray-rocking and I’m told that I just don’t listen.
😂 you can’t win for losing so going no contact may be the ONLY way.
I am so exhausted from this. The most tired i've ever been in my life
“Don’t negotiate your needs with them. Three NO’s: No Pleading no coaxing no convincing” This is the most sage wisdom ever about how to deal with narcissistic toxic people !!! Bland neutrality and calm firmness are truly the best protections in dealing with toxic personality types. These tactics are truly complete kryptonite against narcissistic behavior. Thank you so much for all of your sage advice Dr Carter, many blessings❣️🤗🙏
No. The most sage wisdom is not to have anything to do with them.
I haven’t tried this but think it would be the best strategy..only problem is,it will not stop the narcissist from continuing his abuse,it will most likely infuriate him and up his game more,which will be even harder for you to ignore…and also what kind of life would that be to live this way,after ignoring him,you both will still be in an unloving environment that is going nowhere,void of physical and emotional love that I crave ,so what’s the point
@@rosinastrippoli7768 I hear you. Maybe if you could learn to need that love a little less desperately. Or just leave and find a better life. If you stay this advice will make for a more peaceful life. I left mine after a physical altercation. Shelter for a couple of months but I'm happily living single now.
No pleading, no coaxing, no convincing
Repeat after Dr. C!
@@rosinastrippoli7768 Before seeing your comment, I asked advice on the same thing..if they try to "up the ante" or up their game to if it's something it's impossible for you to ignore and you therefore MUST confront them about it, because if not you're taking on abuse that will put you in a bad situation if you don't address it. I have ignored and have given no fuel, but I have dealt with the extreme, "forcing me to HAVE to address it" situations as well. You let me know I'm not the only one wondering about this.
Most people like that seem to believe you establishing firm boundaries is a personal affront.
Like intruding in everything you do. I've told this person that I do not want any further contact through ANYONE.
Broken into my house multiple times, stolen, trying to pick at my physical appearance, after they've caused tons of stress and issues.
At this point, it's extreme stalking.
I often shut my sister down by saying, "There are only two of us in this disagreement and you're NEVER going to convince me, so let's just stop now." She would usually shriek in a rage and stomp off (calling me all kinds of nasty things). She would never admit defeat.
Our father called her "the unstoppable force" and me "the immovable object". Too true.
There’s a difference between arguing one’s point & keeping them on topic. Once the hypocrisy is undeniably revealed, they will rage & discard you. That works for me. 😌 Standing up to a bully (if safe) has its own reward.
I usually do the "wham bam" if there is a takedown underway after not too much prelude, because one should not waste too much time on those, much as you say, let them follow the usual routine and blow themselves up, or let them speak and then crash their whole thing with what even they have to see that they can not defend. BAM.
Odd hobbies
I think this happened recently with the Narc ex-husband and father of my children. As we know, they NEVER let up. Constant messages and unfortunately I can't ignore all of them as they involve our children. He acts like he is doing me a huge favor by taking care of them while they are in his custody, resentful of paying child support and again acts like this is a favor. I am so sick and tired of his constant tallying as well of what have I done for him. Such a self-absorbed, deeply insecure idiot. Now he has blocked me. Thank God for the reprieve of his BS.
This is a behavior I’ve been witnessing in my 23 yr old pregnant daughter. She NEVER behaved in these ways in the 23 years before. I believe she has picked up these narcissistic behaviors from her abuser and the father of her baby. He’s now in jail and we have both been awarded a no contact order. Now I’m dealing with the negative after-affects of her not being able to engage with her narcissist abuser. Now she’s looking for a replacement source/supply for what she used to have with the one in jail. It’s not going to be me. If she uses her baby (due 2/14/2022) as an emotional weapon, I’m prepared for that, which is why I’m watching this wise man’s channel.
Absolutely heartbreaking, as a mother, to witness your daughter being abused, especially when she is approaching childbirth. Hopefully there will be a source of support to guide both of you through this very difficult time.
You could suggest that given the stress of her partner going to jail and she being pregnant that she attend a psychologist.
The road less traveled is an excellent book.. emotional resilience is an even better book.
Don't give up on her, just follow the advice given here and be the light....
Please be ever so careful. Sounds like she's been "weaponized." If she's willing to see a psychologist, help her find one. However, by no means let her know that you'll "never give up on her" in those words. You can be there for moral support as you are Grandmother now... a whole different dimension, different world is about to enter your picture. She may very well use your Grandchild as a weapon, in fact, you can count on it. Your own love & compassion may be used against you, too. Thru the years, I've listened to many people say those very words. Being one who doesn't know the meaning of "give up"... I never did, much to my detriment decades later. It's not a matter of "giving up" on her, it's a matter of "never giving up on YOU." NEVER say to that person that you will "never give up on" them. They will most likely interpret that as weakness and proceed to take your life apart. Stay true to your values. God bless you and your daughter and your upcoming Grandbaby🙏Good luck...be safe.
It’s a narcissistic world out here. The adolescents that I encounter are narcissists in the making and I need a life support. I would very much appreciate this message but for people who work in education.
This is such a healing video! When my wife breaks into one of her outrageous rants about how I handled any given situation, or some other pretext for complaints, it’s very challenging for me not to respond to the gross unfairness and disrespect, if only for the sake of truth. I’ve often thought that if she knew the truth of what happened from my end, it would dispel the pain she was obviously experiencing: she’s not interested. So conflicts are never resolved, she never apologizes for her contribution to the situation, or the pain she inflicts with every subtle or not-so-subtle putdown, or her threats of divorce… I’ve known for some time that I should not engage when the first signs of that appear: the advice in this video is spot on. Shift the focus from self-justification to self-respect, civility and dignity. Thank you, Dr C!
I’m pretty sure they know the truth. But they also knows their lies _work._
I've been using Grey Rock with the narcissist in my life [thanks Dr. Carter!] and this person is now in a state of bewilderment and more neutralized.
The other benefit of being calm and civil is that you can recognize their gaslighting better...
Dr. C, I've had many occasions over the last months to practice this healthy way of behaving. It's been empowering for me, and I'm grateful. You've taught me how not to reward the people I love for being unloving to me. I've known how to do it in the workplace but, in my experience, family dynamics are different and exceedingly more important, complicated and painful. Your methods are effective and I'm grateful. Thank you again for all you do for us.
That's awesome! I hope you are doing great
Be careful. They can go next level easily to the point you can be in harms way. These types will not back down. Good luck 😎
@@tallguy8937 True, or put you AND themselves in harm’s way and still not back down. You’re trying to salvage the situation and they’re there sabotaging your every effort.
@@breakthroughmoment1647 my deceased ex of 32 yrs passed on his narcissist bahavier to my son. He is still loving but can be hateful out of no where , just won't care unless he get a band playing music how wonderful he is and no one can do anything without him. He is one of my sunshine sweetheart that can blind with heartbreaking words and actions. How can I get him to stop acting that way? This is the family dynamic that keeps on giving. 😢
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 If the relationship is toxic for you, you may have to let them go and protect yourself. That is easy to say if the are on their own and there are no grandchildren involved. My friend's son is only 14 and she sees him acting like his narcissistic father. He is so insulting and verbally abusive to his own mother at that age. She told me "I may have to move away from him" when he is a grown man. That is heartbreaking.
They want your energy to feed their narcissist behavior. My mother if she wasn't attacking me in some way would try to get pity for herself all the time. It never paid to get too close because she would always betray me. She was very insidious in the way she would portray her personality as so nice in front of other people but as soon as no one was around it she was the hateful narcissist she really was to me. Thank you for your videos they help me remember I'm not crazy like my mother led me to believe my entire life.
I’ve been doing that dance for over a week now. It’s so exhausting
I have always been concerned that responses to narcissists were too much like their own behaviour. Going no contact seemed too much like giving the silent treatment. Gray Rock was so much like Gas Lighting. I did not want to stoop to their level because that is their end goal. For you to be just like them. That is the true measure that you have completely abandoned your true self and I wanted to remain authentic. So, I continued to point out their abuse as it occurred, I never blocked them, I remained true to myself as I obtained a divorce from narc husband and never contacted my birth family but would respond if they contacted. I kept true to my nature. As a result none of them hoovered me and they all dropped me like a brick. It is sad to have no one, but nice to not have narcs....
Grey rock is NOTHING like gaslighting!
I want to remain pleasant and authentic, neutral and nothing like him. He does want me like him , miserable
@@helendonlan4836 to that person, gray rock might seem like game playing or deliberately messing with the narcissist's mind the way that gaslighting is. But you are right. Gray rock is a technique for protecting ourselves without getting into a battle with the narcissist. Gaslighting is a weapon the narcissist uses to the detriment of others.
The point is, if you pointing out the abuse, you are not rising to the bait. You are actually using the gray rock technique.
@@brucethedruid Not really. The abuse I endured required that I not ignore it. I had to respond and react. My possessions were destroyed, requiring me to lock them in a room. Joint bank accounts were emptied requiring me to separate finances. I was defrauded requiring legal interventions. Gary Rock would have had me ignore their antics. I DID need to address their behaviour, remain true to myself, and eventually extract myself from their realm. It took time, I DID have to respond to their behaviour, but I stayed true to my personality, and did not stoop to behaving like them.
I'm in the same house but have cut all verbal contact with my narcasistic husband.
Good for you, trying for me, but some matters involve 'small talk', hard to stay non-complying ....
Y’all are exactly right! “Not biting” when they are baiting you drives them CRAZY. Try walking away from an argument and watch them totally come undone. I highly recommend it…besides, you deserve it!!
Boundaries ✔️, indifference ✔️, but I still get drawn in and react at times 🤦♀️
"I can tell that's important to you."
"I knew something was bothering you; now I understand"
"We do think differently, don't we?"
- more great answers, thanks Dr C.
Could we also say, "We remember that differently and that's okay"? That would not be passive aggressive would it, if said in a calm, pleasant manner?
I am so grateful for the responses you've taught us, Dr C. Too many times have I gaped speechless, or reacted indignantly, to their provocation.
My favourite reply that you taught us is, "You can see it that way."
You're my mental health doctor and I am so thankful.
Thank you for jotting these down for the rest of us. I too have learned so much from Dr. C. 😊
@@djw8591 you're welcome. I used to write notes from Dr Carter's videos in a book to remind myself, but his valuable truth and methods are really getting into my heart and head now
@@michelepascoe6068 Same here! My daughter calls it CZcams University.
@@djw8591 CZcams university! Love that 😆
I know this comment is older but I’ve said that exact thing before to mixed reception. My mom is a covert narc and never seems to remember things the way they “actually” happened. The last time I said this it didn’t necessarily get her worked up but it just kind of allowed her to pivot and redirect the manipulation onto another part of the conversation. So I’d say give it a shot, it definitely depends on the individual narc but I definitely don’t think it’ll make the situation worse per-say.
"No pleading, no coaxing, no convincing; I don't need their approval."
I really appreciate this advice and perspective. It's so hard when the narcissist is your mom. I've been mirroring since childhood and desperately trying to be heard. Unlearning this behavior is hard but I know that the harder I work on replacing the behavior, the more peace I will attain in my own soul.
me too ,whole family though.
Even harader when it's the bosses daughter who happends to work in the same office with you-----Or shall I say, the way she says it, "The FAVORITE daughter" then gives a toothy smile------ YUK
She says she's the FAVORITE daughter
then she smiles like bucky beaver!
Mine is dad.
My empathy + naivete + "assume the best in people" definition of Love + passivity when out in the world finally convinced me to be too frustrated at the results. Anything from being betrayed to talking behind my back to being criminally victimized were not anything to boast about regarding the "costs" of being good to people. It was immaturity and all it took was humility, open mind, work such as reading books / watching videos ( such as this ) / growth group attendance commitment, and boundary enforcement. It takes time, I still make mistakes here and there, BUT the growth and clarity and empowerment has been GREAT.
Grace and Peace and Truth to us all as we learn and grow.
P.S. - The last time I conversed with my neighbor-narcissist at length when I calmly disagreed with her on some subjects she insisted she was authoritative about she finally erupted at me. Not exaggerating. It was abusive how she was yelling and swearing at me. It was pathetic, actually. She needs help.
When you finally get this done you realise they are nothing but a piece of garbage. And you must not feel sorry for them. Merciless victory by giving 0 emotion 🖤
I put my narcissistic husband in his place when I told him I wanted out of the marriage; All my life I'd gone along with whatever he'd wanted, and for the first time I said "No' I'm tired of your demands."
in 25 years we went to 2 places on vacation where I wanted to go. 23 were hers. she claimed we always had to go where I wanted.
How do they honestly create such a pitiable reality?
@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Ex Narc said to me: "I always gave you peace." Oh yeah, 27 years of peace. They're delusional, and 95% of what comes out of their mouths are lies.
My last girlfriend was a narcissist. All she wanted to do was argue. I got rid of her in May 2017 and I haven’t even been on a date with anyone since then. MGTOW is the life I’m living now. Many years ago, someone asked me a question. Which had you rather be, alone and about halfway happy or with someone and completely miserable ?? The person who asked me that question knew a couple who argued with each other all the time. So I learned that I would rather be alone and about halfway happy.
I survived my father who was a narc for 18 yrs left home then. And then moved to Cali it got better
I suffered for years in a marriage with a narcissist. I never could figure out what was going on, but when I finally hit bottom I got out. Somewhere along the way I came across a meme that said, “If you ignore a bully, he’ll take his toys and go home.” At the time I thought this was a silly and meaningless saying, but now I know it’s absolutely true, and I’ve seen it happen! Thank you again Dr Carter, for a wonderfully helpful and important episode. You are a treasure for us all💕!
Thank you for having a spot for me on Team Healthy! Please keep these detailed videos coming. They are a much needed lifeline to recovery from an insidious poison. Much love and respect for you, Dr. Carter.❤
Well said
Hi 👋 Yvonne, how are you doing?
To put the narcisists in their place we should be the healthiest version of what we could be. Integrity, self-confidence, doing what we should every day and we do not need their or anybody else’s approval. Our good character and self respect - despite our mistakes and failure- are a MUST when healing from narcisistic abuse.
Yes!
Oh my God, I don't know that I've ever felt more in control after being totally indifferent and not reacting! I saw something that I didn't think was possible and that was to get to the person. And it felt so good that I think I'm going to be able to break away and it's not going to be half as hard as I thought. You and your videos have given me pointers that I put into action and I don't even have words. Now I just have hope that I can be me one day again and that maybe I can heal from this....
Very pleased for this feedback. I hope you've also seen the video, A Narcissist's Control and Your Proactive Non-Control. #TeamHealthy. Dr. C
This is phenomenal advice. From now on I will implement your advice and break the pattern/cycle of abuse. I now understand that failing to engage is not submission but a form of strength
Camilla Carrington,You are beautiful,Hope you are not with a narcissist.......
Narcissist are in our lives so that we learn to become calm and confident on our own. They give is some muscle-practise! When we‘ve finnished the „school“, we‘re free. The faster you learn, the faster you get time and energy to do something that you like. Unfortunately, I‘ve been so slow to learn! I‘d have needed a good teacher a long ago! Self-help in this subject is a long journey! You repeat all mistakes unnecessarily too many times! It is like a piano-play that you never learn.
"A thought comes into your mind" Yeah, a pounding.
My Mother is a narcissist. Growing up with that was difficult and even now (I am almost 50) she is still nasty. But I laugh at her to her face when she's nasty and say to her her opinion does not matter and I walk away. It drives her nuts. I wish I knew this when I was a child.
This advice is spot on. I used to make the mistake of arguing, pleading, and trying to convince the other person to see it another way, showing them how their actions were making people miserable. I then got frustrated, and started reflecting that frustration back at them. Both things got me nowhere.
What worked is complete gray rocking. That's all it took. They would poke and prod and say things in public and in private. I just sat there and never responded. No words, no actions. As if I didn't hear it. And they kept coming.
But eventually they saw that it didn't phase me, and videos like this reminded me that no matter what they did, they were miserable and the way to WIN was to know I was better than that.
It sucks not being able to express my emotions around them, either good or bad, but the result is that I'm now left alone and can just be on "team healthy." The good thing is that now I know how to handle these types of people so I don't have to get sucked into their games anymore.
Youve done so well. Its hard to express how far youve come. The alternative was narc based annihilation and you rebelled and waves the flag of freedom. I salute you fellow nice person 🙂
I definitely can relate to this. Family members are difficult to deal with if you know that they are narcissistic plus miserable. I’m one who has always tried to express emotions towards them but am finally painfully realizing that it doesn’t really work around them like yourself.
Well said !!! Unfortunately ANYTHING you share with them will be twisted, thrown back in your face and certainly be used against you.
I’m in that place right now of not responding. I also learned the hard way that I was doing the wrong things like engaging, explaining, defending and all that would just make things worse. I agree that it does suck not being able to express any kind of feeling good or bad because it goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve been separated a year now hoping our relationship would improve but it’s the same. I’m learning to not answer any calls or texts. I will admit it’s hard because that’s not what I wanted but I have to do what I have to do for a better, happier, healthier life. I choose me, my life, my right to happiness and peace.
exactly 💯 🎯
This is being born out in real time right now. For years l fought it, tried reason, logic, examples, couples therapy, all to no avail. These days l don't take the bait, and she cannot handle it. She goes from pleasant to putrid, then goes after my family members. It's interesting to observe the loop.
My brother is a narcissist and has been abusing me for the past year. I allowed him into my life so that he would no longer abuse my grandparents who are in their late years (he lived off of them for the past decade). My mother enables/supports him, and she condemns me for standing up for myself. Fun times.
Keep strong! Sounds like you are way more emotionally mature than them!
Ignore them both.
You’re a saint!
If possible, I'd tell him to go live with mom. If she's so keen on enabling him, she can be the one to deal with him on a daily basis.
@@kathychanning1614 Far from it, but thank you 😊🫶
“I don’t have to be in your good graces”💥
Julie George, You are beautiful,Hope you are not with a narcissist....
Team healthy all the way or on the way to healthy at least!!! Great advice. Protect your peace at all costs✨