Do you have boundaries In your friendships, or resentment?
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- čas přidán 3. 07. 2024
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#selfhealers, I saw some comments under my IG posts about wanting to hear more about friendships, so I created this for you. I hope this is helpful and thank you so much for the support of this channel. It means a lot to me. -Nicole
THANK YOU! I was one of the people asking for these! I love examples and would love to see more.
O yes!! I really appreciate this video...
I let go of two of my "friends" because I was really exhausted with their stories drama patterns gossip I just couldn't take it anymore. I feel relief.
Same. They ended up talking bad about me when I moved and trying to turn everyone Id met to hate me. If you read this I’m curious how it’s been after a year? I was fine for 3 months till I found out what they were doing.
i kicked out my "best friend" 2 months ago bcz i felt the same plus he set me back and i thought of him maybe 3 times this whole period.says everything
The gossip is real. At this point I can almost sense when separate conversations may be happening about me 😆
i'm so tired of this and the shallow conversations....im exhausted.
Setting boundaries with friends can be really scary for me but I want to start doing it. Half the time I don’t know how to articulate it. Watching this makes me realize where I have overstepped my boundaries as a friend thiking I was helping them. So this is helpful. Thank you
“The more we can *communicate* with our friends, acknowledge the areas that don’t feel so great in the relationship and offer a *solution* that works for *both* parties, the more fulfilling our friendships that we can have.” wow. Interesting. I couldn’t agree with u more.
Hugely important advice! I have been practicing this with my Mom especially. I keep our phone conversations to 10-15 mins top bc she loves to try and talk about stuff I won't discuss. Now that I am healing, I refuse to betray myself or cross a boundary that makes me feel uncomfortable, gets my heart rate up or upsets my emotional balance. Love you but no thank you!
What you have to understand that old people only to family as they did it all their life and they do not get boundries. So yes keep timing but connect with her and ask her about her day and listen coz she is healing too. Its important to build healthy relationship. Your mum like even mine doesnt understand much if this stuff abd no matter. I give her an hour to talk about stuff
@@diehardtats6510 my mother is toxic and I'm coming from a place of emotional abuse. This boundary I have is my limit with her. I don't have to make her understand, that's NOT my job. You can talk to your mother for a hour, I refuse to expose myself to mine for that length of time. Boundaries are just that, not our job to make the other person understand. They are our own safeguards.
Maria Teresa Emotional Musings amen 👍
@@mariateresaemotionalmusings always protect yourself first. 💪💪💪
When she says to try to say some topics are off limits it made me realise that there's some people I'd have nothing to talk about with if I did that. It's the only problem with making friends through shared trauma or trouble is when you're out of it and recovering from your past and your illness you feel dragged back down every time you're asked to talk about the topic, knowing thst friend is still in the midst of it, but knowing for your own wellbeing you can't keep talking about it forever.
👏👏👏 remarkable topic. Remembering we can choose the conversations and experiences we engage in is so important. So often guilt keeps us from creating clear boundaries. I love what you said about emotional bandwidth. What a fantastic video! 🙏♥️
Thank you so much Nena!
I have an acquaintance that just talks over the top of me, corrects my views and then tries to confront me when I create distance as though there is something wrong with me when I don't want to stand there and be the audience to her show
Honestly, the lack of self awareness some people have is incredible!
I'd rather stand alone in peace than put myself in a situation where its not even reciprocal
I relate most with the energetic boundaries esp as I get older. I’m choosing not to put energy into draining vampires. I realize my energy is worth protecting.
I appreciate this. I've been reflecting on house I could have set boundaries in an interaction that left me feeling drained.
Good job not allowing things to pile up
I honestly wished I found this video a lot earlier before I had to end a 7 year friendship with someone. I failed to communicate my boundaries with a friend when I was confronting them about their betrayal that still affected me for months. It continued to harbour resentment because I didn't confront them earlier, and because of this, I was unable to get my point across to my friend while confronting them about what I disliked and didn't agree with their actions. As a result, it led to me cutting ties with them, but going forward I'm glad I learned that it's so important to develop boundaries in friendships as soon as possible and to address conflict sooner than later.
can you make a video on detoxing from the holidays I got back from my thanksgiving dinner with family and I felt like a mess , I realized my family has zero boundaries, there’s patterns of alcoholism and drugs , screaming, yelling , no one knows how to communicate properly and I realized that I can easily give into those patterns and I felt lost and afraid
I hear you Amy. Thank you for sharing this. What would you like to be included in a video like this?
I always find that boundaries that are relatively easy for me to hold in all my other relationships become hard around my family, especially when I’m staying several days overnight in that environment. Would you have any tips on not engaging in upsetting conversations/non confrontational ways of verbally setting boundaries? Also like Amy said, good things to do when you’re back in your own space and feeling the need to detox :)
The Holistic Psychologist how to practice self healing and boundaries etc while living with the people that trigger all of those things
Amy Olivia 🦋
I think ahead . that my family is loving, forgiving, are on their own healing journeys. I look for that in my interactions. I stay grounded as much as possible in my feet. I speak less and listen. I dont take micro movement, body movements personal. That last one im not sure how to explain, its like a feeling in your body. Dont forget who you are. This whole month can suck or it can be the best month 😩😂🤙🙏❤🌱
Wow, thank you!
I was once in a relationship with a friend which really pushed all my buttons, costs loads of energy and did not had a good effect on me. I ended it. I sometimes feel guilty about it and feel sorry (also for myself because I love to have warm contacts) but i did not know how to solve it in another way. I hope with your advices the next ones will be much more loving :)
This is very valuable, thank you. You've helped me realize something: I've been letting myself be in situations where saying no is very difficult for me. I'm going to try to change that.
I’m so sorry about your recent loss, Nicole. I imagine you’re going through a lot of processing right now, but wanted you to know that there are many of us who support you and appreciate what you share with us.
I hope one day when you feel ready you can share some of your own experience with grief and loss; as someone who’s recently lost my mom I know it would be very helpful to many others to hear your insight and perspective.
Please be tender with yourself and take good care, always 💞
incredibly kind, thank you
Watching this video I thought of this year's holidays. Reflecting on on my own needs this holiday season I realize that I had/have a tendency to be co-dependent and with that, I do what everyone else wants me to do or at least what I think everyone else wants me to do. This year I chose to celebrate Thanksgiving with a friend learning how to bake, so much fun.
As always, great video.
That sounds like the perfect thanksgiving, Marc!
I remember years ago I decided to not hang out with this one particular friend anymore, as he kept telling me stories and news about my ex and it hurt af. Now that I'm maturing and older (and learning from you of course♥), I know I could've been explained it all clearly. Thank you for everything dr. Nicole. Just thank you!
my boundaries are we can talk about what all we did today how our days were or study or any achievemnts stuff but not about anything else..or if you have to say anything else than this then tell me what kinda stuff is it about...untill and unless you're my bestie...you can talk to me about anything....and when i told this to some of my friends they're like you're being rude...where do you get this attitude from..i don't wanna be youre friend anymore...that kinda hurts..but ok..I'm better off alone than being with you
*So excited for this new month of self healers!*
Honestly, I'm really struggling with the relationship with my roommate right now, and I love the idea of limiting topics, but I don't know how far to limit some topics that are sensitive. My roommate can treat me like a therapist and talk about her abusive childhood. I know it's important for her to get it out, but it can weigh heavy on my mental health too. How far is a good idea to limit topics like this? I don't really want to shut it off completely, even though I know that would be a huge benefit to me, because I know that it would be a huge detriment to her at the same time
this is really great and thank you! I love the examples you give, which are very useful and insightful for breaking down what you mean by "boundaries"- it's such a buzz-word but clear examples are 👌
✨I wonder, when your own energy capacity is different than a friend's, for example, socializing in general feels like "output" EVEN when I'm not going through a "BAD" time but simply on a day-to-day basis I feel the desire to now preserve my own internal resources, is this something for an individual to WORK on- to be a better friend?
I notice that personally as I've been healing from my past, "reparenting" over the year, and from my brother's recent death months ago, I find that finally I ALLOW myself to be less social, and to be okay and at peace with the fact I LOVE ALONE TIME (plus my work is more "in the public" so there is a deep need to rejuvenate daily ). This is not understood by others who are either a) more social or b) were used to the way I was BEFORE- which was, forcing myself to be more social to comply with societal and friendship standards.
It FEELS right to me, but is it something to "work on" or watch out for?
Your videos are SO clear and has helped me to better understand past hurt and how to heal. Just by the title alone, I realize how I had grown to resent some friends at different times. Awareness is a beautiful thing.
I so appreciate this! I am new at setting any type of boundary. I am still learning and this has helped me to see that it is a daily commitment to helping people to know how to interact with me. What is and is not ok to talk about and what I am willing to do and give. thank you for examples of where boundaries are needed daily. The biggest thing for me to remember is it's health and ok to set boundaries. Your videos have helped me sooo much Thank you!
Thank you! You’ve really clarified boundaries for me
Gratefull for your service to all of us
How timely! Thank you!
Very good timing of this advice for this point in my life!🧘🏻♀️
So very enlightening...Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing this, it's always been hard for me to be able to actually tell my friends when I need space because I'm dealing with my own problems and can't possibly be emotionally supportive of other external problems (even with simple things like just hearing them out without commentating/advising). These past few days my good friend has been trying to reach out to me and I've been pointedly showing no helping hand but she still doesn't get the message. I know she's in a bad place as well, but if this goes on I know I'd just snap and say hurtful stuff to get the message across.
So watching this, and hearing how you suggest what to say to friends from the energetic point really helped. I said it like that and it felt good to say something so neutral instead of angry words.
Again, thank you so so much, appreciate it :)!
Your work is amazing. You have helped me so much.
Beautiful worded and simply put. 🤗 like always thank you
So needed this and can definitely make use of these ❤️🙏🏽
I'm so glad, Amber!
You are amazing 😭❤
Sooo Educative!!Thank you❤.
Love, LOVE THIS SO MUCH 🖤🖤🖤✌🏽
Very helpful - thank you so much, Dr. Nicole
Such an important video. Thank you!
thank you so much for sharing this !! so clear and helpful
My pleasure, Juila.
This is great! Definitely a helpful perspective.
powerful wisdom and love the breakdown, working on being this clear and the resulting (invalid!) guilt that arises for me!
Katie! You and me both my friend.
I'm new here and am on a self journey to create a positive future for my new self ❣️ Anybody have a comment on a 'friend' who likes to 'play' devils advocate? When I'm having a hard time, that's the LAST thing I want to deal with! I'm being badgered when I get upset about the 'devils advocacy' and then he goes into 'You sound triggered' and does not stop 😠😭
Hmm...It sounds to me like he is pushing your buttons. Not cool.
Perhaps they are trying to point out your blind spots?
Conversation boundaries question- if one person talks about a topic wanting others to listen but then won't listen to another person talk about their own experience with the same topic, stating it is a "boundary"... that is bs right? Like they are quite okay to talk about a topic but won't listen to another talk about it.. that's not a boundary, that's more just arrogance right?
TIA
i have always wanted to set boundaries with my friends especially but I fear losing friendship with them and hence I end up not creating any boundaries for myself and sometimes it does get overwhelming and I really don't know how to deal with that
Dr. LePera, This is so helpful, as are all of your videos. I am brand new to all of this, so I find that I am just watching the videos and feeling better by simply absorbing the information. However, I feel so over whelmed that I don't know where to begin. For example, I've heard this term "Sabotaging myself" many times, but I never really put 2+2 together that I am constantly sabotaging myself by staying up until 12:30-1am shopping online if even thought I have a sleep disorder and need to get up early the next day for work. Or that I live on unhealthy takeout even though my stomach has been upset. Or that I can't seem to resist sweets even though I need to lose weight. It goes on and on and on. I can't seem to make and stick to even the smallest changes, partly because I live alone. I don't feel accountable to anyone. As you can tell, I'm AWARE of this behavior, but I can't seem to stop it. I doubt I'll make any progress until I have contact with others in a support group setting so that I can feel like I'm accountable. I've been looking for one, but I can't find a group that addresses anything close to these issues. Are there any online support groups?
Jeff C I identify with you on the seemingly counter productive behaviour, especially around sweets. I know that my use of food was a behaviour established in childhood to fill the love gap that parents didn’t provide. I KNOW this now and am less harsh on myself when I do overindulge. I’m trying to fill my life up with other, lovely things so that food has less of an emotional pull for me. Simple but not easy, wish you all the best too x
@@pinchofsalt1 Thank you so much!! You too1
Communication is so important in friendship!
Communication is but comprehension is also important. You can communicate until you are blue in the face but if the person doesn't understand or respect it then the value of communication is useless.
Jaclyn H true
I would love to have a friend who was willing to do this with me. They just ignore me. And 95% of the time, it turned out that what I suggested we discuss first so we could avoid misunderstandings, confusion, or any sort of upset really was needed after all. So many times the thing I was trying to avoid would happen. They don't wanna hear me, tho
thank you!!!
Thank you.
Thank you dr.🙏🌻❤
Please send your videos with the subtitles.
Thank you. #affirmation 🙏🏼
♥️Thank you
I love this! Do you have any recommendations for friendships where one party is consistently late/flaky/cancels last minute? I value our friendship but this behavior pattern has been taking a toll on our friendship.
Hi Amber, this is something you can be direct about. "Hey I'd appreciate a heads up if you are going to be late/can't make it, going forward."
I sympathize. I've been direct about it, and even explained why it bothers me but it hasn't made any difference. So I've given up and have stopped making plans with her. Not worth the frustration and the underlying disrespect.
I’ve had to voice a boundary on this very topic today...it’s hard. Never done it before with this person and I even googled what to say so I could be as sensitive as possible. I used ‘I feel hurt when you cancel plans...’ trying to be very polite. Well it did not go well. She was not happy & said I was making her out to be the bad one 🙈 I’m not. I end up feeling like I’m being over sensitive and I shouldn’t have said anything...so hard to know what to do!
@@KerryNeeds this person might be narcissistic, therefore toxic! I've heard many times about them getting defensive and turning the tables on you, making you there one to blame & not owning their own mistakes at all! Beware of such controllers
🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗😁😁😘 thank you Nicole right now I don't have any friends only you and your people I prefer that way 💝💝🙋♀️
Thank you...
This is really great stuff. My only question is - what do you do when friends become offended by your boundaries? Or end up not respecting them? I've run into this on a number of occasions. Thanks!
Same boat. Have had friends say “I respect your boundary but you weren’t a good friend because you didn’t engage me.” So then I feel guilty for a boundary I initially felt good about by taking care of myself.
Ooh I would really like to know too! The best thing I feel like I've really done so far is kind of drift away and eventually end the friendship but that's only happened once. Usually I'm too much of a people pleaser and just wind up resenting them so if there's a better in between I would appreciate that knowledge.
i wanna know too. I'm that one friend who's always offended cause my bestfriend won't really support me cause of her boundaries. she always say she don't like the books, movies, and stuff I'm interested in. always turning me down makes me feel bad about my cause, that's why I'm not that open to her since then. is this bad?
My friends left me after causing drama because of me not respecting their boundaries. I had to leave new acquaintances when they were not capable of respecting mine. I feel the more we are able to respect our own boundaries, we can find it easy to decide about friends. In our life or not. I have one friend atm and dealing with what that means.
Am I the only one to take this content for "more than friend" relationship ?
Here to set my boundaries with my closest friend because she constantly hurts my feeling and makes every accomplishment feel sucky. If these don't work I don't know what else will.
What if I naturally have a boundary (I don't wanna try edibles with her, for example), but she makes me feel obligated to explain exactly why or my reason(s) don't seem to be good enough for her to accept no as an answer? Sometimes she'll ask something and I'll be like "No" and when she asks why, sometimes I just don't feel like it or can't quite pinpoint why myself, but not feeling like it isn't a valid reason for her, and if I can't explain why I don't wanna do it then why not just do it. Or, if I do have reasons, she kinda explains why that isn't or shouldn't be a reason for me to be opposed to whatever it is she wanted to do.
I know this is an old comment, but I hope you can recognize now how manipulative your friend’s reactions to your boundaries are, the way they were trying to reframe your reasoning to support their wants. Good advice I recently heard: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” If this person is constantly trying to get you to change your decisions into her decisions, she may have some very toxic patterns, potentially veering into narcissistic patterning - self-serving (and erasing of your needs) if nothing else. I really hope you’ve found ways to successfully respect your boundaries. You shouldn’t have to fully explain and justify yourself just to have your decisions respected. “No; I just don’t want to,” is a perfectly valid reason. Wishing you well.
What if it's my own mom (and im the only one she has right now) and she only talks to me about her divorce and how much she hates my dad and she constantly talks about her traumatic past and constantly tells me how much she feels abused.and tbh I really hate it and it makes me incredibly depressed, anxious, sad, I dont canr sleep until 10am everyday and I wish I can help her in the way she needs..but I cant..and I tried convincing her to go to therapy in a soft gentle manner but she just gets mad at me, yells at me, and is offended by my sentiment. Idk what to do..im miserable. Im crying all the time now...its life draining
and energy robbing.
You can also set boundaries with your mom! Limit the length of the phone calls, and if she begins being abusive, kindly disengage. Tell her “Mom, I love you, and I’m trying to offer a helpful suggestion. I don’t deserve this abuse,” and end the call. I also recommend limiting calls (tell her in advance so it doesnt come as a surprise-via text; hey mom, I love you, but I’m really busy right now so I can talk once a week or once every two weeks (decide your limit in advance and be firm with it). And then, hold to it. If she calls, ignore it. Have your phone on silent so you can genuinely miss her calls. Delay your text responses, so she doesnt try to call you if youre texting. I know its challenging at first but I started sending boundaries a year ago and I feel like I’m learning how to breathe. Its challenging but oh so wonderful on the other side
I just feel like I'm the bad guy if I tell my friend I can't deal with how much he expects me to text him all the time
✅ good video
I asked my friend if I could have a cuddle from her. I definitely have issues.
When you ask someone for space and request “no contact” for personal reasons and that doing so creates anxiety for not responding and they agree but within a month or two they try to contact you, is that overstepping my boundaries? Aloha 🌺
Yes! 🖤💎💪🏽🙏🏽
🔥🔥🔥
i LOVE ALL these videos so much. did you get a haircut nicole (blush)? i'm making a gentle suggestion that perhaps there could be instruction, from you of course, on how to take all this into work life. i work the typical monday through friday and literally spend more of my waking hours at work than in my personal life. thank YOU. big hug.
I did get a haircut, and I hear your suggestion! Thank you Alexis.
Yeah that's an interesting topic. You spend so much time with coworkers and it's hard (in my experience) to know where boundaries are, who you can share with, etc.
REALLY great suggestion for a topic. I think I can uphold boundaries but I struggle to identify them to begin with. Especially at work where I’m the new person trying to work out the established politics, friendships, alliances and want to be considered as part of the team. Boundary setting feels like it might lead to exclusion, others have already commented when I held my boundary during my break period when someone tried to intrude on it with a non urgent task.
hey guys! im from canada! and im dying to join arms and spend this message of holistically healing! does anyone know how to get into this field of work? (preferably without university/prefer a course)
Ive a few questions. Navigating setting a boundary regarding a professional boundary with a boss/ client -ship. Could i DM?
.....my best friend Wally doesn't respect boundaries!....and he never had sheit no tools or nothing!!!😠
How do you establish a good boundary when the problem isn’t a friend, but their kid? I feel so anxious around my friends child who’s always pointing the finger at mine and starting drama. My kids not perfect but their constant clashes make time together stressful and I feel bad for my own child having to tolerate bad behavior with no consequences all for my friendships sake.
J U It is okay to let go.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkkk i had resentment thank you
I want advice . I have a online friend with whom i have talked to for long ,we both have been in limerance and we have bonded on talking about it . Whats the issue is the dynamic of covos . Its usually her texting me about how awful she feels or how she wants give up or things like that and me acknowledging how hard that must be for and trying to offer some advice or validation ....i dont usually share thing i am troubled with and i also dont prefer validation to a degree , and thus our dynamic feels like me catering to her feeling down and thats it . Nowadays i feel dreadful about getting another text from her where i have to be there for her . I am cureently in the toughest spot i have ever been in my life and i am always emotionally close or exhausted and i dont know how to tell her that i dont wanna be her emotional support . I would like to have convos where we talk about shared intrest and stuff and i dont know whether i am doing any good if i turn her down when she reaches out ...would like some insights /advice pls
Please me address this with my best friend 🙏
She wants me to talk to her all day, every day
She hates when my other friends interfere time with her, making me try to hide them from her and feel like any other excuse would be better than, "I'm spending time with another friend"
It's making me very resentful, yet she persists in her own view of "best friend" friendship, that nothing should get in the way...
If I stand my ground she will 'threaten' to back off emotionally as well, which means we won't be best friends anymore
Should I just give up the idea of having her as my bestie?
I'm a pleaser, wanting to be everyone's best friend and favorite.
I'm having a hard time understanding my friendship difficulties. I would like friends who listen and validate my feelings, and vice versa, as well as people to do fun things with like meet for coffee, walks, food etc. I feel v rejected and abandoned by most friends. I think they don't want the listen and validate part of the friendship. But without that to me it feels superficial? I'm wondering whether I'm used to a codependent friendship model so people find me too intense wanting to discuss honestly how I feel about things. Do healthy friendships just mean people to do activities with eachother without ever talking about feelings? I'm v confused by this.