Life-changing Skill: How to Respond rather than React
Vložit
- čas přidán 5. 07. 2024
- Pre-order my new book HOW TO DO THE WORK: www.amazon.com/How-Do-Work-Re...
Free Healing Texts: 215-336-0012
Get my FREE Future Self Journal: www.yourholisticpsychologist.com
Follow me on Instagram: @the.holistic.psychologist
Follow me on Facebook: The Holistic Psychologist
Growth is when you don’t react to the things you use to and it takes practice.
Got that right.
It absolutely takes practice!
This has literally been an affirmation for me this month "I am responsive, not reactive"
"I observe. I don't absorb."
That is a GOOD one!
Avoid not,never etc. (i.e-"not reactive" in your case) You can instead say "I am responsive, I'm safe from overreacting or I always keep myself away from overreacting"
@@fai411 thanks for that jewel 💛💫
lovely. 😍
"Responding is where we get choice"---this blew my mind. We do have a choice in the way we respond to the world around us.
"pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
I absolutely love how you always remind us that change takes time, it's not overnight ❤️
so, so important to fully internalize this truth.
I’ve always reacted, but now, I write a text back in my notes. By the time I edit it (retired English teacher!), it’s better, shorter, and sometimes I don’t send it at all. It’s helped my Chatty-Kathy-ness!
I do this A LOT!! I write a HUGE reply and by the time I’m done this little mental note pops into my mind that asks me “is this really necessary?” And most of the time my answer is “no” sometimes I will answer back with “not really, but it makes me feel better!” To which the voice inside my head will reply “but will it really?!” And that really puts things into perspective for me because it really won’t make me feel better. It also helps me realize that I just wasted all of that time, effort and negative energy on something that didn’t really matter anyways and helps remind me not to do it again the next time I get triggered.
I’ve always heard that it’s better to respond rather than react, but I heard something yesterday that stuck home for me “not everything you see and hear really needs your response” which reminds us that we still have a choice in how/if we even respond especially with things that negatively trigger us even after we came down and reflect on what happened.
💯💯💯 I’m practicing everyday to pause before making decisions when my energy changes!!!
Great video as always. As J.Krishnmaurti, said "The highest form of intelligence is to observe yourself without judgment"
Thank you
Yes!!!!! I think about this a lot. And presence is observation without judgment (for everything). It's the only way to tap into our highest self. The adult self that is supposed to be running the show!! Not easy, but oh so necessary.
@@CelinaBelizan345 Exactly. It requires a tremendous amount of attention and watchfulness, every twist of thought must be observed. the very act of observing must be observed too. As you have said, It is not easy.
This is timely for me. I have recognized that I do react when I feel triggered and am learning how to pause before I do so.
I'm doing the work on boundaries. So I'm reading the recommended book 'not nice' and I'm really trying to not be 'nice' and put myself first and reduce social anxiety. So I'm communicating more and also trying my best to put myself first but I often find myself avoiding sitting with my family members when many of them get together and especially when my dad is present because my dad has a history of criticizing. He's a narcissist. And I'm scared of him since childhood. I love that you said it's a process and we have to be kind with ourself since it's not easy to create new patterns. The hardest thing I feel right now is to speak up for myself in front of dad (since I'm very scared of him even though I've studied narcissism), I'm working on it and trusting the process.
It’s been a while since this comment but I’m hoping you found your inner strength and spoke up. But even if you didn’t, that’s okay, there’s still time for change, as long as you put your mind into it.
Loved this video. One of my favorite quotes from Holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Being able to respond is one step closer to obtaining Freewill.
Right! so helpful. Now I decide, before I even look at the phone to not feel the need to do anything immediately. Certain people trigger us. Often later when I re-read emails and texts its more neutral. Thank you!
!!
Came across human design chart, and found out that my crown and throat chalkra were causing issues in my life, and how my solar plexus and sacral are defined, and how I finally started understanding intuition, and heal my emotions, it has told me that I am better at responding rather than (re)acting on things. And responding takes a lot of emotional control, and has literally been what I’ve been trying to realize and why chaos was in my life. Recently completed a very long meditation, and finally connected with this inner power with in that was off balance.
I wish I’d had this video a few months ago before a big fight with a close friend. If I’d known what I know today I wouldn’t have said what I did. I’m ashamed of the way I acted and I hope I get to apologize and own up to what I said someday.
Juan Garcia 💕I’m sure you will. Forgive yourself. Shame is never helpful.
@@blueshoes915 Shame is very helpful. Teaches us lessons about what we don't want to do in the future. The trick is to learn to accept the shame, embrace the lesson, and forgive ourselves. Very hard to do.
Juan Garcia so go tell them just that...
Make the situation work FOR YOU. This is an opportunity. This fight was an opportunity. It happened for a reason. Your job is to figure out what the gift is. Does that make sense? If you stick to that then there is nothing that you can't do.
I hope you’re doing OK these days
Thank you so much, a great reminder for anyone on their own journey. Your content has helped me change my life, and I’m honored to share a name with you! 🥰✨
Hey Nicole! I'm so happy to hear this. Much appreciation
I am emotionally reactive and this is pretty much the only thing about myself that has been the most difficult for me master. I'm an otherwise great partner and a good person, but my emotional reactivity has causes a lot of hurt to others. My words can be vicious, unfair and sharp. This has meant years of awareness, then connecting the triggers, understanding the emotions and feelings, and then implementing change. The latter has been so, so hard for me to do and I still fall back. And then the guilt/shame sets in, which feels much worse.
I echo everyone else's sentiments - thank you for the reminder that these things take time, especially if one has lived this way all their lives.
Have you made any progress since writing this? I am feeling powerless to overcome my reactivity which seems to operate on an instant, instinctual level.
@@mookymookymooo I totally resonate with your statement. I've made progress *and* continue to have to stay mindful when I'm feeling triggered. What really works best for me is to pause and give myself space, and not make any decisions/responses until I can access my wise mind. I still don't get it right all the time. The awareness is so key.
Observe, dont absorb. This helps me as I intentionally take deep breaths and try to detach my emotions.
A recent difficult interaction brought me here. When you react, you're actually REACTING the thing that's happening. (screaming when others are screaming an easy example). So very thankful for finding your video. It's a sweet wow for me. I looked through lots of other videos on this topic. Yours is superb. I will be watching this all week. Things need to be cleared. For 50 years, this is what I know is the way to be in life. I sometimes do react, we all do....but I know the difference, indeed. Thank you!
"I observe. I don't absorb."
I’ve used these same exact words in relationships. Such an important skill!
Yes! I do too! Dont know why this isnt required learning!
I have two kids, we watch Sesame Street sometimes and this is literally what they teach on so many of the episodes. You're Sesame Street for adults. XD thank you.
This is such a hard thing for me. Especially at the workplace where there is a lot of verbal abuse and bullying. Makes me want to fight back. I hold it in then overreact if I'm having a bad day. But I'm older now and working toward this goal and doing better.
I know how you feel I get that from angry customers not helped by having less sleep. I have to deal with noisy toddler robbing me of sleep. If you could change jobs. Stoicism states not to care of other people's opinions because this can't be controlled.
Omggg im excited for this video cause responding rather than emotionally reacting to things is my goal! And its not always easy lol
I think about this a lot, it's such a valuable tool. Another layer i've added to it is to take this methodology and apply it to myself, to my thoughts and inner dialogue. My mind can go into such a rabbit hole, literally with no external triggers... my mind and inner dialogue can be my own worst enemy. Just some sort of thought structure / though process I developed where my mind has a tendency to work against me. It's been for as long as I can remember. I feel like it's almost another person, a sort of robotic reactionary voice within myself. But i'm practicing how to respond to it with logic rather than emotional reaction just like I would with another person. Responding can also be just letting it go.
The compassion you show in all your ways, is appreciated.
I needed this today. Thankful that I found your work! My reactions are so deep rooted in old trauma, fear, and anxiety about pushing others away. This video reminded me that I can sit with my feelings, and that it will take time to reprogram and not feel to triggered all the time. Thank you ❤️
Dear Nicole, thank you for sharing so openly about your own experience. I recognise myself so much. It feels like quite a journey to go from reactive to responsive, but it’s definitely the best thing to do for myself and others around me.
Looking forward to the book, Dr. Nicole! Thank you for your work, it is the most insightful, profound and life-changing teaching I have encountered!
Wow Nicole this is really great content. I love how open you are, you’re not afraid to be a real person and it makes your message all the more impactful and healing 🙏❤️thank you
Love this video! So incredibly important to point this out. Thank you 😘 we appreciate all of your hard work and dedication 💙
Wow, thank you so much for putting out this video. Its actually kinda funny because this has been the goal I've been meditating on this past week and what I've really been wanting to work on, listening before I speak and thinking before I react/respond and then here it is in video form. I appreciate you.
Oh my this is so helpful! Exactly what I’m needing on this healing journey!!! Your channel resonates soooo that it’s my divine aligned healing companion!!! I greatly appreciate you!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!
Just what I need. One guru told me to respond to things, not react. It's been on my mind, but I didn't undertand it completely. Thank you very much. Please keep bringing more detailed videos like this... Much love ✨
Has been a very predominant theme these past few weeks. Thank you soooo much for this video, and this amazing community. Will be adding some new affirmations thanks to the shares on here!
Being aware of the process!! Feels good!!Thank you🌻🙏
Thank heavens for these incredible insights into healing 💖 combined with your daily texts, my life is more expensive and difficult situations easier to deal with💝Thanks Doc!
you came to me just in time. WOW thank you words cannot express the gratitude, because this shadow work has got me BEAT
Thank you so much! You are doing fantastic job. Your massage is clear and very helpful.
Your work is such a gift, thank you!
I have watched this video everyday day for a week and I know it’s helped me a lot. I’m definitely improving by responding skills
E GADZ, this is essential! I cannot thank you enough for bringing this up! I really really NEED this tool.
This is a very important video. Also, thank you for your transparency.
Yessss so powerful!!! I can imagine living in a more responsive way... I really love your videos - they are short and on point 👌🥰😍
Thank you for this!! So helpful when I’m feeling totally overwhelmed- like right now
The pause... So challenging, so powerfully important!
❤❤❤ Love it!!! I really needed to hear this! I spent lots of my life being reactive.
Thank you! Indeed, it is a practice!
Really struggling with reacting and hurting my partner and best friend badly. I make my emotions so loud and they’re both empaths so they take on my negative emotions and it sucks. I’m going to watch this video probably every day lol
I have struggled with the same thing a lot this past year with my partner! I too am going to watch this every day lol my subconscious will absorb this info!!
This exact thing happens to me too, and I can tell you, it will slow down with time as you build a muscle memory for the responding instead of reacting. However I did indulge in my old patterns very recently and it seemed to click my friend off- the one who had been keeping their patience with me. They said they are no longer willing to keep going this way, and I’m feeling really ashamed and devastated, I don’t know how to bring them back.
THIS is huge, something I need to overcome. Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you so much for the amazing work you are doing and knowledge you are putting out there. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. And this unpredictable and quiet time is so good for healing and being mindful about what’s going on.
Keep it up!
Thank you, many hugs from Vienna 😊
Thank you. Your videos are straight to point
Very grateful for this approach and these guidelines.
This is so helpful! Just had a moment like this last night with my partner and I've felt so much shame all day today. Good reminder to forgive yourself because at least I recognize it now compared to years of not recognizing it!
Thank you! I needed to see this! ❤️
Every single video is a gem 💎, thanks a lot
Thank you for all that you share.
Really appreciate and grateful for you and the work you do.
Thank you so so so much for your content!! I did this yesterday and I’m so glad ... ❤️blessings n love to you and your beloveds
Thank you for sharing. I think all of your videos come straight from the heart.
they do, thank you!
Just came a across this video!! Wow, what a mind opening and healing experience! Very greatful 🙏🙏🙏
This was helpful. Here I am 3 years later learning from this. thank you for this video. 😊
There is one situation that comes up. Not very often. There is not even a thought or any space before the reaction in this particular situation. Since it comes up maybe 3 or 4 times a year, it is a challenge to prep for it. It's happened 2x this year. This past Fri it happened for the 2nd time. It's like an automatic, hard drive, how did I get here reaction. Let's say 95% of my responses are just that, responses. Definitely have work to do in this one situation. BUT I get to practice forgiving myself. And that is sometimes a challenge. Thank you soooo much for your videos, they are extremely helpful.
Really great way of explaining all this! Thank you!
This was so great! Thanks! ❤️
Short and quick to the point love it. 🥰🥰
You are absolutely amazing doctor in how you teach us the truth on how to heal from the inside out!! Thank you so much!!🙏😘🌺
Needed this reminder today, thank you ❤️
Thank you Nicole, this is really helpful. This exact thing happens to me too, and I can tell you, it will slow down with time as you build a muscle memory for the responding instead of reacting. However I did indulge in my old patterns very recently and it seemed to click my friend off- the one who had been keeping their patience with me. They said they are no longer willing to keep going this way, and I’m feeling really ashamed and devastated, I don’t know how to bring them back.
This sort of behaviour regrettably has caused my partner to leave me, particularly regarding jealousy - I would react which in turn caused panic and anxiety attacks for her. There is still a sliver of hope for us, and while I’m doing this work for me - I’m grateful for videos like this that show we all can struggle with it.
This is a great video. More needs to be said about this and more of us should become aware of it!!
I'm obsessed with this channel
Thanks Nicole!💗 I am getting better little by little!
thank you so much! this is really important & a game changer especially in relationships 💓
Hearing you explain what happens to you during reactive periods, which is what happens to me, allows me to release some shame. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone in the way I react to triggers; especially with my mom. Thanks for everything you do❤️
I just accidentally hit the dislike button. I‘ve been curious how those dislikes happen on rockstar videos like these. This is AMAZING. Thank you for sharing ✨💛🌞
I like your style. Interesting how we need this information. A friend sent me here.
I have autism & having a meltdown was a reaction for me, to the point where I was spending about equal time verbal & nonverbal. I finally found myself in a season where I felt safe enough to begin pausing & being able to choose a healthier response. It's still a process, but I'm a year free of autistic meltdowns! Having the choice to respond is so empowering.
... There's no such thing as schizophrenia and autism....
Thank you for posting
cuz you know we all need this. Thank you.
Did I tell you I love you yet!??? Thank you for doing what you're doing. I am super inspired to do the same thing as you do to help others x
Thank you for the help!
Just Love your work and techniques. Thank you for this❤️
I needed this right now. Thank you very much
Thank you so much for this 🤍
VERY helpful! Thank you!
Thank you! I like how you explain being objective! Very helpful ❤️
Amazing quality and priceless content. Thank you, Good Doctor ❤
🐞💛You are such a life saver. Thank you for being brave and for being you, and for putting out this vital content especially in a time that needs this insight more then ever to heal; and that starts individually with each of us. I was a train wreck and couldn’t have done it without the your tools you have provided.
Thank you for doing what you are doing. I hope you know the impact your videos are having on those that are struggling. Such a shame that much of what you discuss is not explained to people prior to them suffering through parents, teachers etc as I feel these lessons could help us all lead better lives.
Cheers,
Matty
Love this ... been working on it so much lately!
Thank you so much for your advice it's gold
This was very helpful and I so needed this! Thank you 🙏💜☀️
I should copy and paste this comment for every video-Thank you for helping me change my life!
Dissociation can also happen because the anger we observe reminds us of trauma that we observed early on
thank you so much for the reminder to forgive oneself. ❤
Excellent! Thank you.
What a phenomenal video - thank you for sharing
Always learning from you, thank you!!
What if the conflict goes on in person and not through text? How do I establish the space I need to respond?
Excellent question. I'd also love to know how to cope with this.
Communication and boundaries. Communicating these boundaries. “I need space right now to gather myself”-stating your needs. You have the right to remove yourself from any situation just like you do on a cell phone. The other person may not like it, but that’s on them and you dont owe them an immediate reaction or response, despite what we’ve been trained to do in our society. You owe it to yourself to show up for yourself in whatever way you can. If it’s a close person or you feel comfortable sharing feelings, you can even state that you feel triggered and need a moment.
@@Jocelyn_Jade Thank you so much!
another suggestions, say:
- let’s take a break (i’d use this one if both people are agitated)
- give me a few minutes alone and i’ll get back to you
- i feel angry right now and i need some time to calm down and be able to respond
It seems so logical to say, just walk away and make that space when someone's in your face pushing your buttons. But in reality in this situation the reflexive, unhelpful reaction (in my case anger) explodes out before I even have a chance to consider walking away. How can I bridge this crucial gap?
Incredible content. Thank you.