THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES #34 - Anatomy Class
Vložit
- čas přidán 3. 07. 2017
- MAG0034 - Case #0161207 - Dr Lionel Elliot
Statement regarding a series of events that took place during their class at King’s College, London in early 2016.
The Magnus Archives tells the tale of a surgeon-turned-lecturer teaching an introductory anatomy class and the unique students he taught.
Starring: The Archivist - Jonathan Sims; Dr Lionel Elliot - Martin Corcoran
Writer: Jonathan Sims
Director: Alexander J Newall
Editors: Alexander J Newall, Mike LeBeau
MERCH:
Crowdmade: crowdmade.com/collections/rus...
Teepublic: www.teepublic.com/stores/rust...
Redbubble: www.redbubble.com/people/Rust...
For more information or to hang out with the Rusty Quill community, visit:
WEBSITE: www.rustyquill.com
FACEBOOK: therustyquill/
TWITTER: @therustyquill
FORUMS: rustyquill.proboards.com
REDDIT: www.reddit.com/r/TheMagnusArchives/
DISCORD: / discord
EMAIL: mail@rustyquill.com
The Magnus Archives is distributed by RustyQuill.com and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International Licence. - Zábava
Dr Elliot: What do you usually do when I'm gone?
Student: Wait for you to come back
This is underrated lmao
I want to feel scared, but i just find hilarious how scared was the profesor with shapesgifting students, like in the part of the disection, i just imagine them T-posing while the doctor was crying on the floor
I hate that this is all I can see now.
Hi, i'd like to inform you i enjoyed this comment, but i do not want to disturb the number of devil.
^agreed
I can see this so well.
Omg 🤣🤣🤣
Dr. Lionel Elliot: *Goes through a traumatic, terrifying experience with shapeshifting monster humanoids*
This comment section: hehe babies
They are so polite :)
This comment section is so cute 🙂
I was truly terrified by this episode and I feel largely disappointed by the comment section.
They're doing their best, okay?
@@teleutenachtigaller2762it is a terrifying thing, and if I were to actually experience something like that I would no doubt be just as horrified, however, the descriptions of how the students acted is kind of hilarious. They never threatened the professor, they never hurt him, and while it’s implied that they caused harm to others, we have no definitive proof of that. So for all we know, they were just trying to fit in better. Which makes his reaction kind of funny from that angle. The thought of some horrifying monster that could no doubt snap you like a twig, but is unable to understand how humans even work to the point they go to college is really funny. And as others pointed out, would make an amazing horror sitcom.
"Thank you for teaching us the insides" is so funny hdksgkdgs
How to Human 101
Lesson 1: How to look human (completed)
Lesson 2: How to do the insides (completed)
Lesson 3: How to act human (in progress)
yeah still trying to figure out step 3...
@@DarkAngel3090 Does human comment like this?
@@nejsonsvejson9861 you almost got it
@@joserobertozazueta2227 Thank you for commenting on my post, I'll return the favour by commenting on yours.
Lesson 4: Learn how to human again because the first time apparently doesn't work anymore
*BONE APPLE TEETH*
Koro Moro OH SHIT
DSKDJRJFJ THIS HAS NO RUGHT BEING THIS FKING FUNNY
oh my god
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE
Why can I appreciate the humour whilst still being appalled?
The idea of shapeshifters learning to imitate human anatomy is terrifying, but it’s also hilarious that hey chose to go to a COLLEGE COURSE for research. I want a quirky TV spin-off of this kooky found-family trying to figure out how people’s innards work and getting into scrapes bc they can’t pull it off right
There's an old sitcom called third rock from the sun and it's about an alien family living on earth. It's amazing and they do things like this all the time
3below is kinda like that 👍
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
😊😊
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
"Does the heart beat like this?"
No, not quite, sweetheart
People were right about this series. They really cover every fear you can think of: Claustrophobia, trypophobia, caves, clowns, college students...
Don’t forget books. So, SO MANY FUCKIN BOOKS!!!!
Waiting for one with middle-schoolers now
I did teach a couple college courses in the past and honestly this one did get under my skin a bit lol
Jan Nowak being the most basic polish fake name is even more funny, because it is a male name. When i heard "she looked at me" i started laughing.
"Yes, my name is John Smith and i am a human female"
Filana is a slang term in Urdu and I think Hindi as well, for when u want to talk about someone random, that guy becomes Filana, hard to translate it exactly. So when I heard Filana al Filani I nearly burst into laughter. Just an insanely basic placeholder name.
They did have a John Doe which is the name of an unknown male xD
@@SemicolonExpected Same with the last name Mustermann, it's the German version of Jane/John Doe and literally means "example-man / blueprint-man"
I love these children. There's just trying to get a good education.
Yea!!!
I think the reason it's so (possibly) unwittingly charming is because of how innocent and polite the students are. They probably COULD just open and watch the first person they come across to learn about anatomy, but instead they show up to classes. They go out of their way to shape their bones when the teacher can't witness them, etc. They politely ask for questions and more information, send an apparently earnest thank you note.
All the horror is... accidental. Apparently they did get the memo that shifting bones are a no-no, but are clueless that disembodied beating heart, or toothed apples are horrific. They have only one truly reprehensible (seemingly torturing someone in the house), and it could easily follow the same pattern of obliviousness: they might not even be aware it's cruel unless a human point it to them!
Perhaps if the teacher wasn't basically a H. P. Lovecraft character, he could have had the nerves to teach them things like "opening up living humans is incredibly wrong"...
I agree, though it might also be the mindset the teacher had. Like, if he was more curious and nerdy hed likely have been way more excited at the bone morphing and beating heart. The kids even had the decency to clean up after themselves!!
and when their Physiology teacher commited suicide they left a note next to the body saying that the body should not be used for teaching. like at least they care enough to not want their professor's corpse to be used as a cavedier.
Sure they're doing all this to lure people easier but still. awe.
@@kenken2982 I think the professor left that note himself, so that his corpse would never be utilized by someone like these guys for spooky reasons. Somehow I don't think these kids would ...know? about donating your dead body to science?
I think the reason they were cautious with the bone shifting and stuff might be because doing overly obvious stuff like that had driven their last teacher to suicide.
Maybe they'd learned they needed to change their behaviour to preserve their teachers life/sanity.
Of course if that's the case then they still have a long way to go in social practices and behaviours.
Even if he had his eyes closed he could still hear them and was still incredibly disturbed, they didn't seem to understand that. Didn't even pick up on the reason he'd collapsed to his knees. Or cared.
@@kenken2982 Pretty sure it was the teacher themselves who left that note. They didn't want their body to be used by those "students"
Honestly this one almost seemed charming. I noticed the name thing and thought it was hilarious. Loved the fact that they were trying out all the different races too
We love a culturally sensitive group of shapeshifting eldritch monsters ❤
Never let it be said that monsters are racist
I take they were all "john doe" for different cultures?
i noticed john doe as well and when jon mentioned it at the end i felt very smart hehe
@@fish3977 exactly, especially fulan al-fulani, which means in Arabic "someone of the someone family"(I tried the closest translation of it) and it's not really a name it's just used to refer to someone you don't know or a hypothetical someone in an example
this could easily be a surreal alien comedy if you look at it from a different angle, i love it
Omg I thought of the same thing O.O
I had the image of seven aliens impersonating humans but not really knowing how the body works so they decided to take this class to find out how to adapt better to earth life
"ToDay, GuyS W'ell be DOING EPIC prank on monkei PriMate, Let See How he Respond Act. Not The fake!"
Youre missing out on Third Rock from the Sun. It exists and it's hilarious
Third Rock From the Sun
There would be a plot twist in the first episode where he reveals he also studied Philosophy so as he teaches them how their Hearts work he also teaches them how to use them.
Jon’s little “oh good lord” when he saw the apple was so funny 😂, it was kind of the first time I’ve heard him really caught off guard like that (minus the Jane Prentiss statement$
I loved that, Jon is usually so stuck up and detached so I found it really funny to hear him be out of sorts!
Jon: "You saw them? You weren't bitten, were you?"
Dr. Elliott: "Bitten?... They're worms.."
Give these men an oscar please :D
I feel bad for the doctor. First shapeshifting students, then biting worms, I hope he ends up ok.
@@avet9413 HA! HAHAHAHAhahahhahah. Ha. The thought of someone ending up OK in TMA is funny to me.
@@KindlyGoatI mean considering the ending, there is a non zero chance that he’s alive atleast
Honestly, teaching A&P to a group of nightmarish shapeshifters sounds like a blast.
Just teach them wrong, and hope the errors kill them.
The fun thing about creature lore is that it can be really funny if executed correctly. Example: What We do in the Shadows
@@alannahcrawford9351 THANK YOU!! I wish more people knew about that movie!!
A real scream ;)
What if they are genuinely curious and trying to be nice to the prof. kinda like Addams family?
sorry! those are all my kids. i'm adopting them
Can we share custody please ? I have a lot of experience with weird kid
Oh wow this explains Episode MAG005 - Case 0092302 - “Thrown Away” quite a bit!
A bunch of doll heads to figure out human heads.
2780 human teeth which were all the exact same tooth so it sounds like how they were changing their bones in this episode. Practice maybe.
And a copper heart figure which was probably exactly how Alan Parfitt's heart looked like from the inside.
I wonder if that means it was the missing garbage man (I think it was a garbage man?) that was screaming inside the house.
The fact he specifically mentioned the teeth are from different people seems weird
@@kwasichan722 If I was Jon I'd ask Sasha to ask about that specific detail after reading the garbage man's statement.
Makes sense, and they threw those things away at the side of the bin bc they though they were supposed to act like that and did not figure out ppl could see how strange their bags were. Maybe the repetitive prayer was them learning to speak? But I feel like it’s a bit pushed
Not to burst your bubble, but that was supposed to be a young Tom Han
ahhh the real horror... *ACADEMIA*
My Horror Academia
Angel i shouldn’t have snorted but here I am.
Magnus Witch Academia
I WISH my students were this engaged. This bastard needs to appreciate what he's got!
Ha! Exactly what I was thinking, and I’m not even a teacher! I just hear a lot of horror stories from teaching.
They were so invested they went and did a vivisection outside of class. Extra credit.
I... find this one strangely cute?
Like, they all sound like little aliens that are bad at being secretive about it. "Hello anatomy professor! How do we human please? Teach us the ways. We have very human names and everything." "Professor! My heart is the one beating correctly, right? See how it squirts? Is this how the human hearts do it?" "Professor, thank you for teaching us the insides. Have an apple. We all wanted to sign it, but we used our teeth instead. We hope that's okay."
Kaleidosaur 😂 thus makes me really happy because I was thinking the same thing
_seejanesart_ me too! glad i wasn’t the only one haha
I would be happy to teach them. But how they knew about appel tradition? Imagine them searching the internet ,, how to say thank you'' to a teacher or just watching tv and taking whatever they show at some show as basic knowledge
(*psst Blue jeans are what this species wears, right?)
What? Cracked bones? *innocent eyes
(Make notes, sometimes people fall over)
... oh thank god I'm not crazy. I can see it from two perspectives, the professor's, and my own if I was in that situation. I can see why it would be so deeply troubling to him... but at the same time, if these indeed were creatures trying to imitate how to be human, it's no good teaching them the wrong way, or not telling them what they were doing was wrong or right. you could sneak in some moral teachings into them, though they are supernatural after all, and seem to ONLY care about anatomy, so I think if you were to... take a deep breath, and just go face first into it, you may be able to get actual progress when it came to helping them become human. and maybe then... those poor people could be okay... either way, this is just what I would have LIKED to have done if I was in his position, though I have no idea how I would react due to the fact that 1) I've never had any teaching experience (I'm still a teenager) 2) this could be traumatizing to me if it directly happened to me, and 3) this is a supernatural story made up by a REALLY GOOD WRITER. anyway, just my dumb thoughts. :D
Podcast (shows a creepy story of shapeshifter students learning anatomy)
Audience:-- Awwwwww.. so cute
I mean with different context this could be modified into a cute comedy
@@someoneawesome8717
I mean even with the context I find this rather adorable. I'd have been using their ability to better teach them, bask in the best class ever. As a cardio student I found their sincere efforts to learn its mechanisms endearing.
@@clayxros576 it's heavily implied that they tortured and disected a human at their house...
@@purplecatloverrandompizza Maybe they wouldn't have if their teacher was *doing his job* and *teaching them.*
@@purplecatloverrandompizza Exactly! I don't know why everyone else finds them cute.
FINALLY someone who didn't diss Jon's recording setup!!!!
It's cute how he wasn't annoyed by his rambling either! Maybe cuz they're both men of logic and Jon takes pride in the fact he's a man of science. Sounded like Jon would've enjoyed talking to the guy outside of listening to his statement.
I can see why this scared the doctor, and of course would be horrifying if it happened to me, but the breathing bit was just so fucking funny. Like during the lesson they all keyed into "oh shit we should have been doing this!" and tried to pretend they had been the whole time. Honestly this whole group of shape shifters are so interesting. Where'd they come from, what were they doing before this? Are they babies? Were they genuinely thankful to Dr. Elliot for teaching them or just going through the motions? Many of the other entities in this podcast I would be inclined to say scared him with the teeth apple on purpose, but with these ones I don't think that's the case.
Jon's reaction to the teeth apple was great. I love that Dr. Elliot didn't nitpick his recording equipment. I was hoping they'd be friends by the end, but unfortunately Jon is too obviously skeptical. u_u
this would be a normal, everyday classroom in night vale and i'm struck by how the two podcasts are about similar themes and events, through WILDLY different lenses
I’m listening to both welcome to night vale and the Magnus archive back to back lol they are both so good. I do get some of the facts mixed up those. But wow I decided to listen to some weird stuff during quarantine, not that I’m complaining
Nah, normal everyday classroom in Night Vale would have more guns. And livelier. Shape shifters learning to human by attending human school would fit in Night Vale though. Cecil would find them charming, especially their attempts to figure out how the human heart beats, and encourage the townspeople to help these little guys on How To Human.
...One of the teachers will probably open up their own rib cage to show the shapeshifters their heart...
Night Vale is weird 😂
Kitsune Tails25 Nightvale would be an interesting place to live in ngl
Imagine Jon and Cecil recording and talking about happenings together!
OH MY GOD JON AND CECIL🥺🥺 I feel like jon would be good friends with Carlos but think that cecil was endearingly crazy.
I want to be creeped out but I cant. The students dont seem threatening, they sound like aliens trying to figure out what being human is like.
Also John Doe. Nice name.
Yes, actually, I belive all the names are the "John Doe" equivalent in different languages
Yeah Erika Musterman is the German equivalent. Although it doesn't make quite sense cause the female version of that would be Musterfrau. Frau means woman
@@fionnepskamp2994 the statement giver also called Jan Nowak a she and it's not the first mistake in the series of that type. but it's charming :) and i'm definitely glad they choose to mention other countries!
@@sixxisamagicnumber unfortunately the middle eastern one doesn’t work because Flan is literally just a place holder it’s not even a name like you wouldn’t fine someone called flan it’s a place holder
The funny thing is that apparently hospitals in the UK don't use standard placeholder names like John Doe anymore, so a British doctor probably wouldn't recognize them until it was too late.
As REAL HUMAN a college student I can confirm this is what ever class is like , totally normal
Hey REAL HUMAN your report is late. I get that John Doe ate your lab heart but we do have models you can use. Besides I'm sure your classmates will let you borrow theirs.
No not the ones they formed in their chest, yall dont know how it beats yet so it doesnt count.
It sounds like Jonathan thought "NO THANKS" first and came up with a plausible excuse second.
Also, "I want to feel that pancreas".
here are the two halves
Jon: WHAT THE FU-
keep it!
Jon: nonononononononono
Poor Jon seemed to be having the time of his life with that. Also: I wouldve taught the class. They sound strangely endearing.
as much as I would like to agree that the "children" were rather endearing, it sounded an awful lot like they were just trying to mimic humans so they could fit in and bait people easier :")
oh definitely, but I'd still kill to have someone pay that much attention to what I'm saying and always show up on time for our meetings, and I'm not even a teacher
Definitely, but you know what, I support them
If they’re nice, let them. If they’re mean, Trevor the Vampirekiller will handle them
I wish he could bro that guy was the coolest motherfucker in this whole season
@@thestranger4894Trevor has been dead for 14 years...
If I was this guy I would have tricked them into becoming frogs or something.
Nvm 0-0
This is still somehow the funniest statement
Fulan Al-Fulani is akin to saying like anybody from anybodys family in arabic what a great detail omg
that's so funny! we do the same thing in spanish -- Fulano de Tal (basically means "so-and-so"). spanish has so much arabic influence that even many native speakers have no idea about.
@@queenmaj6576 It's the same in portuguese!
Mustermann translates to "example man"
It's leaked into Spanish too. I can vouch for Juan Pérez as a generic name, but Fulano is another way to say the same thing.
ohhhhh, now the 'john doe' name makes sense! i never made the connection that they were all really generic names
Aww… I kinda like them
They’re so polite; they cleaned up the blood, asked thoughtful questions, trusted the professor so much that they gave him their address and even left him a gift…
The John Doe alerted me to the fact they were likely all place-holder names:
Erika Mustermann is the coined name of a fictitious person whose identity is used to illustrate examples of official documents in Germany.
Jan Novak is the most common Polish name
Petar Petrović is the Serb version of John Doe and is similar to both the twins names
Juan Pérez is common in Argentina, Chile, Colombia and Ecuador.
Fulana AlFulani is the female form of a generic persons name used in the Arabic language
Fun fact: "fulana" in portuguese is an example name, usually used when trying to formulate a sentence which the names don't matter that much!
I can only add that Russian names are the combinations of the most commonly used names and surnames. They are often set as examples in blanks.
@@helenrayce1800 idk seems like Ivan Ivanov/Egorov would be more common
Oh my god I am so glad someone else picked up on this too!
I'm not Polish so correct me if I'm wrong but the transcript I found spells the name Novak with a v, not a w, which sounds more Czech or Slovakian to me (the point still stands, it's the most common-sounding name in cz I can think of).
It's also a male name which I find hilarious since the shapeshifter obviously uses she/her pronouns. I choose to believe that the she didn't know about how names differ depending on gender, especially slavic ones, and just... took one she liked :D (Female variant would be Jana Nováková in Czech, id-really-k other countries)
What truly horrifies me here is the fact that that ingrate Lionel was willing to give the apple away. It was a (personalized!) gift from his devoted students and you don't just dump those onto the next stranger you come across. What example are you gonna set for your students? He could've just been laid back & taken them out for food/drinks or recommended them socialist literature, like our professor did with us, but nooo. Someone just had to be a little boring conformist with his attitude about breathing.
And besides, I'm willing to give those little shapeshifting rascals the benefit of the doubt. I bet the screaming from the house was just Pavel or Erika watching tv in search for more human behaviour to mimic (since their irresponsible tutor neglected his duties) and changing channels only to stumble across porn or a horror movie.
Proinsias Cassidy oh god, I love your answer and totally agree. Poor dears just wanted to learn how to behave in human society.
The true horror would be what they would do with the knowledge of porn. That would be... something. Something horrible
Jon’s little “oH gOoD lOrD” made me wheeze-
Edel brosnan inthink they would watch it, together, for purely academic reasons. Note-taking is required
Oh God they're gonna find hentai one day
The real villain of this story is the teacher for giving away the gift his honestly very engaged students gave him smh
It sounds like they even put in the effort to study out of class as well
I badly want to believe that the only reason they killed a guy is because they didn't know any better and that they also wouldn't have done it if their teacher had instructed them properly. I want to preserve my conception of them as adorable shapeshifter babies babies who just don't know how to human and are earnestly trying to learn so they can fit in.
I love how all the students' names are the most basic generic names from each language. Like Juan Perez or Jan Nowak being the most generic examples of names. And the arabic name meaning somebody's somebody, as someone mentioned in the comments.
Can’t believe you didn’t mention John Doe
They sounds cutely naive tho
Nevermind
Nahuel Santos the scream was not them harming anyone it was them learning human behavior 😡😡 they are too sweet to ever cause harm
“And I still remember the feel of a pancreas! 😃”
Instantly my favourite character, sorry Jon.
To be fair to the students, how sharp SHOULD knees be??
Should they be sharp? I imagine you'd want them fairly blunt
@@mechengr1731 i have a minor deformity in my knees, it doesn't do much but my knees dislocate sometimes bc they're too flat (aka not sharp enough) to fit properly in the sockets.
They shouldn't be sharp at all. The bones should be smooth to allow for the smooth glide of the joint and protect the tendons for the muscles that attach around it.
This is my favorite episode so far and for a few reasons.
Firstly, I love the "teacher"'s voice acting.
Secondly, I... sort of feel bad because, where I study, students are well-known for being rather quiet unless asked questions and even then we don't talk much (something to do with the education system or maybe just the field of study or the country's culture, I'm not sure). It's something foreign teachers notice and tell us about every so often because where they're from, students are more active and talkative. In any case the teacher here noticing how quiet the class is and saying it makes him uncomfortable, reminds me of this and so I feel a little bad for the teachers who've had to teach us.
Thirdly, just like in arachnophobia, some scenes would be hilarious presented out of the horror context. In arachnophobia, there was the man overreacting to the presence of a spider and throwing his mug at it or kicking his television in just to smash it. Here, when the students are all holding hearts and pumping blood into them and squeezing them in a way which is not at all like what a normal heart beating would look like, if this was a funny story about harmless shapeshifters confusedly trying to look more like real humans, even taking an anatomy class to get it right, who one by one made their heart "beat" in wildly different and incorrect ways (with, maybe, a silly music over it), it would make me roll on the floor from laughing. Because of the context, it's not exactly funny, although I did chuckle a little because of that image I described above. It's more horrifying and gross than funny and I mostly felt bad for the teacher.
Point number four, I like how this one reminds you of other episodes, when you remember the creatures that look human but whose insides just don't match up. Recently, with Michael, his body's insides were described as filled with stones (so you get the idea that although his appearance is human, the insides are basically just guesswork, no bones and muscles and flesh). Somebody else's mentioned the trash bag filled with teeth (the same teeth, from the same person, in various states of decay) in that one episode, so them being shapeshifters and producing the same tooth over and over and over again and disposing of them all that way would explain it.
Number five, it's interesting to see that there are several creatures of the same species (I assume) who have appeared in at least one other episode, who seem new to the human race (as they're still figuring out how to properly look and sound and feel like a human) and so are possibly new to Earth, have little knowledge of human morals and/or don't care about it, have no qualms about scaring (although that might be unintended), hurting, and killing people. I think now that when he visits the house and hears the scream, the "creature" might be aware that he knows, but at first I just thought that it was 1. too busy looking at his liver and/or 2. wasn't familiar enough with human's sense of hearing to know if he was able to hear that sound. I guess there's also the possibility that, like the "vampires" from another episode, its sense of hearing is bad compared to its other senses and so it wasn't aware of the scream. Anyways, that begs the questions of how are they here (did they get dropped off from somewhere else, are they another existing species which evolved), why are they here, can they be reasoned with, how like humans are they (in terms of social behavior, "intelligence", needs, etc.).
Six and last, I found it ridiculously funny when Jon said he doubted this testimony because the man who gave it is a teacher. It was unexpected after all of this.
Nicely put.
this was great! I would love to see a "What We Do In The Shadows (the movie, not the TV series)" styled short film or something that either has shapeshifters trying to be human or SOMETHING. I don't know, I think it could be really funny and even really sweet and adorable.
Rip to Elliot but Id just adopt these Stranger Babies
*My Children Now*
Come on, teach them manners ! Your children practice vivisection
Okay but it's kind of sweet and funny that when the professor went to the house, the first thing the creatures thought was "Alright! more lessons!"
*Spoilers for this episode!*
I think it’s so fucking funny that while his back was turned all the students would be like ‘oh shit, quick!’ and try to discretely fix up their bones ‘n stuff and then immediately pretend that was not what they were doing when he turned back. They’re trying their best, literally my favorite.
Edit: jwiekjejebdb got to the part where the prof curls up on the floor- I love they’re all like ‘huh so we’re doing this now ig’ and start simultaneously rearranging their bones.
Maybe this is just me but I feel like the beginning of magnus archives is like “AH OH NO THATS REALLY SCARY NO MA’AM” and then the later you get into it you recognize the entities somewhat and get to know them and even get somewhat attached to them, and then even if it’s really unsettling you’re just like “ huh. f u n k y”
Yeah, that’s the reason I like the early seasons better than the later ones. The early seasons are more mysterious. As the overarching plot gets revealed, I get more and more impressed by the writer’s storytelling ability, but less afraid of the stories themselves because they’re more explained, and the “unexplained” part is largely what creeps me out.
Season 5 still freaks me out anyway 🤷
Thanks, I’m on my first listen of the whole series and now every time something spooky happens the phrase “huh. f u n k y” is gonna pop into my head 😂
It do be like that tho!
Aw, the poor teacher. What a nightmare, this one’s so scary!
*Sees the comments full of people talking about how cute and funny this episode is*
What the fu-
a man has a group of bright, polite students eager to learn and ask questions and he treats them like creeps smdh v_v
Them changing their bones while prof wasn't looking reminded of flash games from my childhood, where you hold your mouse button to do something, when other characters aren't looking...
"Thank you for teaching us about the insides :)"
God, you are so fucking welcome, you adorable babies.
Jon being disturbed with the tooth apple and wanting nothing to do with it right away is the highlight of this epiosde
Jon: one second *switches into big boy archivist voice* STATEMENT OF… etc. etc.
I thought it was a bit funny how he changes into this… bigger voice. He’s so cute.
"y-you can keep it! (the apple)"
"no, we don't want it."
Strangely endearing :D
First time listener here! I have a theory that these students were responsible for the word rubbish bags in an earlier episode- the doll heads could’ve been from them cutting up dolls to see what’s inside the human body- and the teeth in the apple reminded me of the bag of human teeth
HOLY SHITY WTF??
Honestly if it was me I would've loved to continue teaching them and guide them to be a proper human and hopefully they dont kill anyone due to curiosity. They seem to be really adorable children. Like baby aliens trying to be humans.
Seeing them able to animate the heart honestly would have made me excited more than anything. Makes teaching them WAY easier cause the heart is so hard to visualize from pictures.
This sounds like a wacky alien teenage highschool story where they try and hide their alien shenanigans, the heart pumping would be played off for laughs.
But it's told from the perspective of their traumatised science teacher
this one is my fave!! the student names. .. mind blown.
Mine too!
i caught onto it the moment he said "john doe"! :D i felt so vindicated at the end
I had to pause and laugh for a good minute when I heard the bit about the Apple lol
“you can keep it”
“we do not want it”
this is so funny to me
[CLICK]
ARCHIVIST
Apologies for the somewhat archaic -
DR. ELLIOTT
No need to worry, I understand. Some things you just can’t trust to computers. It’s like I always say about those robotic surgery machines. It’s just not the same. If I’m going to be operating on a man’s pancreas, I want to feel that pancreas. Fiddling with a joystick just won’t cut it. As it were.
ARCHIVIST
I didn’t think you still performed surgery?
DR. ELLIOTT
I keep up with the developments. And I remember the feel of a pancreas.
ARCHIVIST
Well… quite. Now, if you’d be so good as to -
DR. ELLIOTT
You know you have an infestation, don’t you?
ARCHIVIST
Excuse me? I’m not sure -
DR. ELLIOTT
Yes, little, grey, maggot things. I saw a few on the way in. Don’t recognise the species, but I’d say you need to get the exterminators in here. Gas the little blighters.
ARCHIVIST
You saw them? You weren’t bitten were you?
DR. ELLIOTT
Bitten? They’re worms. Still, I’ll admit I didn’t like the look of them. I reckon the sooner you get someone in to kill them dead, the better.
ARCHIVIST
We’ve tried, believe me. Now, shall we?
DR. ELLIOTT
Oh, certainly. Where do want me to start? The bones? The blood? The… uh… the fruit?
ARCHIVIST
Right from the beginning. One second.
DR. ELLIOTT
Statement of Dr. Lionel Elliott, regarding a series of events that took place during his class…
DR. ELLIOTT
Introduction to Human Anatomy and Physiology.
ARCHIVIST
At King’s College, London, in early 2016.
Statement recorded direct from subject 12th July, 2016. Statement begins.
DR. ELLIOTT
Now?
ARCHIVIST
Yes, just start from the beginning.
DR. ELLIOTT
Right. Well, I shouldn’t even have been teaching the class, really. As far as I knew, I wasn’t going to be needed for any teaching on the Biomedical Engineering course this year. I can’t say I was particularly upset. The Human Anatomy module is where a lot of the engineers discover just how messy the human body is, and while the human heart is a phenomenal piece of machinery in terms of design and function, most of the students would be more comfortable holding a transistor. Not to put too fine a point on it, I get tired of… squeamish students, and was glad that I could avoid it this year.
You can perhaps imagine, then, that I was not best pleased when Elena Bower, the admissions officer, emailed me last November to say that there had been a mistake, and I was needed to take a ‘spillover class’. Apparently the system had accepted more students for the course than there were places, and they were trying to organise an additional class for the seven who were unassigned. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me, Anatomy class wasn’t until the second term, so surely this mistake should have emerged earlier, but Elena just kept saying she didn’t know, she just had seven students who needed tutorials. I won’t pretend I took the news gracefully. I have a lot of research due shortly and, well, you know academia - never enough hours in the day. Still, I was the only staff member both qualified to teach the class and technically free when it had to be scheduled. So I agreed, although that really makes it sound like I had more of a choice than I actually did.
I didn’t meet the students until the module started this January. I wasn’t responsible for any of the lectures, so the first time I saw them was in our initial class tutorial. They all sat there, all seven, staring at me, and I felt… oddly uncomfortable. There, there was nothing wrong with them, of course, nothing strange to see or to look at, just… well, this is going to sound stupid to say out loud, but I don’t remember what they look like. Any of them. I remember that each wore blue jeans and a white shirt, though they were all different makes and styles; I think one of the girls had a skirt, instead. I must have noticed that they were wearing the same outfits, but it didn’t strike me as odd. They all just looked so… normal. Unremarkable. I remember their names, though, from the register. They stuck with me - maybe because they were such an international group. There was Erika Mustermann, Jan Novak, Piotr and Pavel Petrov, who I think were brothers, maybe twins, John Doe, Fulan al-Fulani and Juan Pérez.
I greeted them when I entered the room, and was met with silence. Not a malicious or angry silence, just silence. I’ve never been self-conscious when teaching, but walking to my seat with those fourteen eyes just… watching me… it made ever so slightly uncomfortable. I got the oddest feeling they were judging my walk. [Nervous laugh]
The class began, and we started going over some of the basics of anatomy and how the body works. They started to talk then, and some of my unease left me. I don’t remember exactly what was said, after doing it long enough most tutorials just kind of blur together a bit, but I recall being struck by just how basic some of their questions were. The composition of blood, where in the body the various organs sat, the sort of thing that anyone who’s done a science GCSE should know. I was almost tempted to ask where they went to school. At the time, I didn’t question the fact that they must have all gone to the same school.
Aside from that it was mostly normal, except… about halfway through the tutorial, we discussed the lungs and respiration. Inhalation, alveoli, et cetera. As I said, basic stuff, but I paused afterwards, just to have a think about where to go next, and I heard the sound of them breathing. That’s not abnormal, I know, but it seemed to fill the silence so suddenly, and all at once. I could… I could have sworn that I didn’t actually hear it before that moment. Like they’d only just then started breathing. [Nervous laugh] Which is, which is absurd, obviously. I was probably just listening out for it because we’d been discussing the lungs. Even so, it was disconcerting, and I don’t mind telling you that I breathed quite a sigh of relief myself when the tutorial was over and I could get out of there.
Now, I consider myself a conscientious worker, and in all my years at King’s I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve called in sick, but when the time came for the next tutorial with this class, I had to stay home with a migraine. It wasn’t a lie, exactly, the thought of sitting there for another two hours with those staring, placid eyes gave me such a spell of anxiety that my brain felt like it was being stabbed with a shard of ice. I did have to teach them eventually, of course. I couldn’t avoid it forever. Re-entering that room, though… All of them were sat in the exact same positions, in the exact same clothes, their breathing deliberate and almost pointed. When Erika Mustermann - or was it Jan Novak? - said ‘Good morning’, the others followed suit, one by one, and I had to fight the urge to run. It struck me then that, despite how diverse their names were, none of them seemed to have any noticeable accent. Not that it did anything to reassure me.
There was no-one else who could take the tutorials. Believe me, I did everything I could to try and find a replacement. Still, once I got used to their stares, their silence, and the fact that their questions were both specific and oddly basic - one of the Petrovs once asked me “How sharp are the knees meant to be” - I swear, it was just about tolerable. I’m a bit ashamed to admit it, but I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t care if they passed any exams, and that actually made the whole affair more manageable. I just did my best to stop caring.
And then came our first of two sessions in the dissection room. We were looking at the skeleton. I had been dreading this. Given exactly how creepy and unsettling the students were just sat in a classroom, the idea of what they could do when given access to human remains made me feel quite nauseous. But I couldn’t bring myself to leave them there alone, so I went.
It was even worse than I’d feared, seeing them stood there over the bits of cadaver. Their faces, normally so neutral, were alive with… what was it I saw? Excitement? Curiosity? Hunger? Whatever it was, it didn’t reach their eyes, still staring and blank. I went through the procedures with them and tried my best to keep the trembling out of my voice. When Fulan reached for a scalpel and started cutting into our samples, I felt faint.
I was trying to keep an eye on everyone, but the dissection tables were arranged in a semi-circle around the lab, and each time I turned to face one of the students, I began to hear this cracking sound from whichever tables I wasn’t looking at. Like a snapping bone, or a ribcage being forced open. I’d turn back and see nothing untoward, just John or Erika or Juan or whoever it was, looking at me quizzically over distinctly unbroken bones. But it kept happening. Whenever I wasn’t looking, I heard the crunch and the crack of bone. I couldn’t ask about it. I knew the dead-eyed, mute stare they’d give me if I did, and I just couldn’t face that.
Finally, I managed to position myself so that I could see what was happening behind me in the reflective edge of the metal table. It wasn’t much, but I could see a slightly warped image. It was Pavel, in this case. I saw him pick up a bone - a radius, I believe, from the forearm. He held it up next to his own arm, and then there came that snapping, crunching noise. I swear I saw his arm distend itself, the skin shifting as something inside changed and rearranged, until it matched the length of bone he was holding up to it.
I tried not to react, not to make a noise at this mad impossibility that I saw. I couldn’t help it, though, and my legs gave out. I collapsed on the floor with a whimpering cry. None of them looked at me, none of them offered to help me up, none of them gave any reaction at all. I shut my eyes tight as that cracking sound began to come from every direction, as all seven of them began to change themselves. It went on for almost half an hour, until our allotted time in the lab ended. And then they left, walking past me, still sat helpless on the floor. As they did, each of them thanked me for the lesson as though nothing had happened. And I swear that every single one of them was taller than when they started.
I started taking more sick leave after that. I avoided their tutorials as often as possible, and when I did go we largely just sat there in silence until one of them asked a question about human anatomy, which I would reluctantly answer. I know I should have just abandoned them entirely. If they were going to complain to anyone, they would have done it already. But even then, I was worried my colleagues might notice, and I really didn’t want to get a reputation as some absentee tutor. It didn’t help that a colleague of mine, Dr. Laura Gill, once expressed surprise on learning I’d been absent the day before, as apparently she’d passed by my teaching room and my anatomy class had just been sat there, waiting quietly. The thought of them politely filing into every tutorial, just sat there, blank and staring, whether I was there or not, just waiting… To be quite frank I think that bothered me almost more than being sat there with them.
Still, I managed to largely avoid them until the 21st of March, when they had their second lab dissection. Hearts. I’m not an idiot. I was well aware of the sort of sinister nonsense that was likely to happen if I went, but I also knew by now that they would attend whether or not I was there. And to leave them in the lab unsupervised would be the sort of thing that would get me actually fired from my position.
It was a rainy morning. I remember that, because I deliberately didn’t put up an umbrella. Something inside me was so dreading what was going to happen that the very act of opening umbrellas seemed pointless, as though my being dry couldn’t stop what was coming, then there was no reason not to get soaked. So I was dripping wet when I entered the lab, and my glasses had steamed up to the point where I could no longer see through them. When I wiped them clean, they revealed those seven blank faces, utterly unconcerned with my sodden state. Each had somehow got the heart laid out in from them on the dissection tray. I decided not to prolong it, and waved them to start.
I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I thought they’d descend into some sort of feeding frenzy, but they didn’t. They just began to dissect the hearts, as any other class would, occasionally asking me polite questions. I was so taken aback at how normal the whole situation seemed to be that it took me some time to actually answer them. I did, though, and the first hour of the class almost put me at least a little bit at ease. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Maybe they were doing weird things to their insides, but if it was the heart, then I couldn’t see it and I couldn’t hear it. And I’d long since decided with this class, that if I couldn’t see or hear it, I didn’t care.
Then Erika Mustermann held up her heart and looked at me. I began to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as she asked me “How does the heart pump blood?” I started to explain the biological mechanisms of the heart pumping, when she shook her head slowly and said, “What does it look like?” And then, when I didn’t answer, “Is it like this?”
The heart in her hand began to spasm. Not like the regular, rhythmic pulse of a heartbeat, but like a balloon being rapidly squeezed at one end. Bits of it swelled and stretched and distorted seemingly at random, and blood began to flow haphazardly from the ventricles, dripping down Erika’s forearm and dribbling onto the floor.
I stood there speechless, staring at this horrible miracle, from when behind her I see Fulan raise his heart, saying, “That’s not what it’s like.” And blood starts to gush from all over his heart in tiny geysers, shooting in every direction. Soon each of them is holding a heart up, each pumping and throbbing differently, blood leaking, spurting out of them in a different way, a different nightmare. They wanted me to tell them which was right. [Nervous laugh] I don’t know how long I stared before I finally raised my hand to point at Jan Novak, who seemed to have the closest to an accurate impression of a regular human heartbeat. Then I turned and walked out of the lab.
I spent the rest of the day sat in the staffroom, waiting for someone to come running in, screaming about the lab being full of blood. I expected questions I couldn’t answer and immediate termination. But nothing happened. No-one came. When I returned to the lab several hours later, there was no sign of any blood, except for the tiniest speck, dried into a tile crack in the corner. Unless that, that had been there before? I don’t know. My shoes were still speckled with blood, though, so I know I wasn’t hallucinating it. I checked with Dr. Gill, who confirmed that she could see the spots, though I neglected to tell her it was blood. I had no intention of inviting further questions.
I missed the next three tutorials. I just stayed at home. But something wouldn’t let me just simply let it go. Finally, I made a decision. I wanted to see where they lived. I felt like I needed to, for some reason. Needed to see if they existed outside of my class, outside of my mind. I asked Elena and, irregular as it was, she gave me the address. It didn’t surprise me to find out they all lived in the same place. A semi-detached house on Kingsland Road in Newham. I’m afraid I don’t remember the number, and the details have disappeared from the college systems.
The house itself was run down, as might have been expected, and I must have spent a good fifteen minutes just stood in front of it, waiting for the courage to approach. Finally, I knocked on the door. The wood was old and dry, and some flaked off under my knuckles. It opened immediately, and there stood Jan Novak. When she saw me, her mouth twisted into something I think was meant to be a smile.
“Hello,” she said, “have you come to give us more lessons? We would like to learn about the liver.” Her eyes locked onto my abdomen.
I was about to reply when a muffled scream of pain came from somewhere deep inside the house. It sounded ragged, like whoever was crying out had been gagged. I looked to Jan Novak, who showed no indication she had heard it, still staring at where I had taught her my liver would be. I ran, and she watched me go without moving.
I did call the police, but they just told me that the house was currently unoccupied, and they’d found no evidence that there had been anyone present. I took great pains never to see the class again. I avoided all tutorials, and simply waited until the end of term. I haven’t seen them since.
ARCHIVIST
That’s it?
DR. ELLIOTT
Not quite. There was one other thing. When I went to the classroom shortly after what should have been their final tutorial, I found something on the desk. It was an apple. Next to it was a handwritten note that said “Thank you for teaching us the insides”. I burned the note, just in case.
ARCHIVIST
And the apple, did you… eat it?
DR. ELLIOTT
Do I look like an idiot? Of course not! I cut it in half, first, to check if it was… off.
ARCHIVIST
And?
DR. ELLIOTT
Human teeth. Inside were human teeth arranged in a smile. Here, I brought you the two halves to see for yourselves.
ARCHIVIST
Oh good lord! That’s…
DR. ELLIOTT
Deeply unpleasant, yes. You can keep it, if you want. As proof.
ARCHIVIST
We do not want it. I’m afraid it isn’t really proof.
Someone could have stuck those teeth in after the apple had been cut.
DR. ELLIOTT
[Somewhat distressed] You think I would do that?!
ARCHIVIST
I didn’t say you would, I just said it was enough of a possibility that I don’t think your… tooth apple has a place in our artefact storage. Also, it is technically medical waste.
DR. ELLIOTT
Fine. I’ll dispose of it myself. Now, is there anything else you want me?
ARCHIVIST
No, this should do. We’ll investigate and get back to you if we find anything.
Statement ends.
[CLICK]
The first thing about this statement that makes me dubious is that it comes from a fellow academic. Historic and prestigious as the Magnus Institute is, there are still many within the sphere of higher education that do not grant it the respect it deserves, and some have been known to make false statements as ill-conceived jokes.
Another mark against the veracity of the statement is the names of the students. A quick Internet search reveals ‘Erika Mustermann’ as the official German placeholder name, similar to the English, well, the English name ‘John Doe’. The same is true the other names, ‘Juan Pérez’ is the generic name of choice in most Spanish speaking countries, ‘Fulan al-Fulani’ in the Middle East, et cetera. It seems strange to me that Dr. Elliott would fail to take note of this.
Still, Tim made contact with Elena Bower in the King’s administration office, and while she couldn’t find any actual records of them in the system, she does remember them being there, and confirms that she assigned them to Dr. Elliott last year. She could be in on it, of course, but Tim seems to believe her.
There’s also the matter of the teeth. I stand by my assessment that there is no evidence they were placed there by supernatural means, but it does seem an awfully long way to go for a bad joke. In the end, we did send them off to a dental specialist, but they weren’t able to tell us much beyond the fact that they all seemed like healthy adult teeth, and most of them appeared to come from different people.
There’s not much more we can do to follow this up, without dedicating additional time we can’t afford. The only other lead was Sasha’s discovery that, early last year, Dr. Rashid Sadana took his own life. There’s no direct connection, except that he taught the Anatomy, Physiology and Pathology for Complementary Therapies course at St. Mary’s University, and the only note found near the body simply read “NOT TO BE USED FOR TEACHING”.
End recording.
Im really appreciative of these !!
I really appreciate your appreciation!
I appreciate you posting the transcripts ❤ whenever I don't understand something I just scroll down the comments until I see your familiar picture haha, allows me to avoid spoilers that way
Holy hell, I love how jittery the doctor's voice was. So amazing! The tale itself was so scary in an Alice in Wonderland type of way, like everything is so strange and bizarre that it's almost a bit hilarious, yet still creepy. Though I find the students charming, this strengthen my resolve not to take Education in college.
Honestly, if it weren't for the possibly gagged person in their house and the teeth which were probably, uh, unethically sourced, i kinda felt for these little monster peoples. They were just trying to become human. It's a pretty cool concept (and they seemed to like the teacher)
He should have adopted them and taught them that doing that was a no no :D
The Good Place has convinced me that a good Ethics Professor is all this class needed.
(I'm also convinced they wouldn't have kidnapped and dissected someone if the teacher didn't keep skipping classes, forcing them to take education into their own hands)
bruv he should've just put a you tube video on showing how the heart pumps and left it at that
5M views BOOM, aliens captured BOOM, Allien invasion BOOM apocalypse BOOM mankind finds an agreement BOOM intergalatic space travel becomes possible
This needs to be like a short film or a full on movie
I know the shapeshifters are suppose to be scary but they didn’t really do anything malicious they just seemed curious and kind of charming
I actually believe this one, on account of the professor’s fear and the apple-teeth. I mean, a lot of the others seem plausible enough in-universe, and it’s not like this is explicitly paranormal, apart from him watching the students do something with the bones. Which could’ve been not what he thought.
Honestly could just be a purely biologically weird species. Not exactly paranormal, just giant sacks of goo trying to be more human to fit in properly.
A somewhat creepy, but oddly cute story.
The students absolutely terrified the poor professor, but their enthusiasm was genuine.
Hope the poor doctor figures out how his elbows work again.
Okay remember priest Edwin's statment?
Something shapeshifted into the other priest, and his voice then seemed to lose the accent he usually had.
Just like these students
Also the peaple in the church, also in Edwin's statment, looked blank
Honestly, I think I would want to befriend them. Like "are you some kind of shapeshifters who need to learn how to look like humans ? No prob !" And I would look for some 3D model, interactive video exercises and such things.
They gonna want to learn any way ! So better teach them then letting them look for those details in real humans.
And they actually appreciated it!! I love how grateful they were.
The way Dr Elliot laughs nervously while telling his story, like he's half a step away from sobbing hysterically from all the stress 😭👌
And then when he actually does break down 😭😭😭
"you saw them?? you weren't bitten, were you???"
"...bitten? they're worms"
made me think of when Malfoy's trying to get Hagrid sacked and he's like "my friend Goyle got a bad bite off a Flobberworm"
and harry's fuming going
"THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TEETH"
I love the way this dude sounds.
The little quiver in his voice is just so charming.
the doctor: I've seen things beyond human compression and I'm terrified
the students: *nice meal*
Dr. Elliot is not only a lovable character, but the voice acting is A++
Mmm... Pancreas.
sandy wtf
Crunchity munchity
So *THEY* made the human teeth from the episode "Thrown away".
Jon: *As much as Magnus Archive is a ✨pReStiGioUS✨*
Everyone in England: *You guys are bonkers.*
The names! Hilarious
I love how small details always seem to be well researched and true to life whenever I notice them. Like the fact that "Erika Mustermann" is the German placeholder name. As a German I can confirm.
I LIKED this episode. Idk, something about a group of entities getting together being like “alright, we need to learn to appear human… any ideas?” and them coming up with frequenting an anatomy course all together… it’s just humorous to me. It was a sufficiently discomforting episode, don’t get me wrong, but it lacks some of the maliciousness other episodes have. The entities never even hint at hurting the doctor-they’re polite and respectful, even thankful that he’s helping them. It’s certainly different from other episodes… cool shit in general.
Dr. Elliot: and thats how breathing works. Now, next lesson plan is...lets see...
Hive kids: alright everyone, all together. _*unified breathing commences_
Im assuming its hive anyway. This seems like some shit hive would do
Call me Bruno bucciaratti because I’m adopting these children
"You can learn anatomy without cutting a living person open"
"But how do we know its working?"
"First off you only need to mimic the heart and brain, the liver doesnt do much but move goo around and be a filter. Just mimic the shape and you're good."
"Oooooooh, I thought it was another lung. I owe John Doe a Bone Apple Teeth"
"Stay off the internet. That's a terrible joke."
"I thought the apple was funny"
This was a really good one, I liked this one.
They're doing their best!!!
John Doe? Juan Perez?
"What are good human names?"
"I don't know... Why don't we each pick a human country and find a common name from there?"
I think this episode is funny and charming because untill the end the students don't seem malicious. They just seem like they want to geniunely learn about human anatomy and like the proffessor.
Awww this one was actually quite cute. A class who actually interacts with your material and is interested in your subject? Who cares if they're eldritch shapeshifters ❤
I always lost it when Jon said *“Oh good lord.”* I don't know why
Man, this is a really wild episode of Third Rock from the Sun
asdgfhssjghkgh
Someone who actually respects the tape recorder…finally!
Human Teeth? Maybe they were responsible for the weird trash bag in Thrown Away that was full of identical teeth? Maybe they had just learned that humans have different teeth, so they had to get rid of their old identical teeth. Just a theory.
theyre just tryin their best :D!!!
I don't know why but this is SO funny. Just the idea of aliens trying to learn how to be human by taking anatomy classes is just the funniest thing I've heard so far this year. Thank you, Rusty Quill. XD
Aww they are really trying hard to fit in
Honestly disappointed that we don't hear the audio spike when Jon asks them to start their statement.
20:20 I love when Johnathan gets caught off guard by stuff lol
I find this weirdly wholesome is a horrifying way, their all just trying their hardest to be human
5:00 Those are all international versions of the name "John Doe", as a Latin American I recognize Juan Perez, but the others sound equally generic
Mexican here, when I heard "Juan Perez" I thought "Why do they gave him such a basic ass name? lol" then was relieved to hear that was the whole point XD
Only 20 seconds in and i already like this other guy
Imagine just casually dropping in conversation that you know what a pancreas feels like-