Internalised homophobia | how to heal completely (proven method)
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- čas přidán 27. 06. 2024
- Internalised homophobia can be so hard to heal from. Often we don’t even know we have it, or it can linger long after we come out.
Healing from internalised homophobia can take time but don’t worry, help is here. In this video I share how I healed and how you can too.
It comes with first understanding how internalised homophobia gets into our bodies and our minds, then it’s about reconnecting with our true selves and learning how to trust our bodies again.
Please like comment and share if you feel someone would benefit from hearing this. I respond to every comment so please let me know if you’d like any personalised support.
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#internalisedhomophobia #homophobia #selflove
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Great video! For 27 years I didn’t know what was wrong with me… I created this perfect person that’s always trying to please everyone. I didn’t know who I am or what my needs are, I lost interest in everything, all I knew was that I hated myself and wanted to die. I couldn’t be myself because people would think I’m weird, there was something evil boiling inside me and I was afraid of finding out what it is until I was so overwhelmed by emotions is when I finally mustered the courage to talk with myself. Good luck to anyone struggling with this, I know your pain ❤
This was the need of hour for me. As a Bisexual man, I always felt that I have internalized biphobia. I use to put an obligation on me to equally quantify my attractions towards multiple genders. I use to feel afraid of authentically experiencing homosexual attractions. Am I misunderstanding myself as gay? This question use to freak me out. To find a sense of meaning within my masculinity, sexuality and gender identity, your advice of being my own version of man helped profoundly. Apart from all of this, I have a 10 year old kid within me who loves to live. Who is cheerful, outgoing, outspoken and loving. When I realise that, that kid also happens to be an adult on whom wisdom suits like a jewel on crown. I shine brighter within my personality as however I am. I celebrate the spectrum of human and welcome other humans with love and peace. Cheers✌🏻.
Wow. Gosh. I think this may be one of the most profound and beautiful of all the comments I’ve ever had. Reading this was so wonderful. Thank you. I relate with every word. I’m so happy that we can share these authentic experiences and struggles together. Every time someone shares it out loud, so many others read, relate, connect and gain strength from it. I’m so honoured to have your words on this platform, it’s exactly why I do it. Tell me, what is your version of man? How would you describe it? I’d love to know.... sending much love to you my friend 💜💙💖
i just listened to this video and it made me deeply cry.
Growing up in Secondary School from 1988 was traumatising for me. Nothing was ever right. I looked wrong, I acted wrong, I sounded wrong, I thought wrong and on and on.
I used to think I was the only "abnormal" person on the planet!
I realise I am internally homophobic and I dislike being so. It hurts me to think that I am perpetuating a thought that all these bullies had all those years ago.
It's definitely dulled my life and caused me much eternal conflict.
Thank you for this video. It is a small step on a long pathway. 🙏
Made me tear up a little when u said it's not ur fault eventually I want to forget my "mask" and continue just being myself ❤ ✌️
So far every video of yours has exceeded my expectations and explained things that I didn't even know I struggled with! Thanks again for sharing.
I'm doing my best to listen to my body now, though it's tough being reminded of how much I've neglected it in the past.
Oh my gosh Roel thank you so much, your words go straight to my heart. You are absolutely so welcome. If there is anything further I can do, any questions you have, or any more content you'd like to see, please don't hesitate to let me know. Getting you to connect with your peace is literally what I do this for so I'm thrilled to see you benefitting from the content.
I totally hear what you're saying about looking back and thinking "gosh, how much time I have been neglecting so much...." This is perfectly natural. I have this sometimes too. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from thinking about the past, there are too many amazing moments to experience now here today.
Every moment that passes is brand new and you can be brand new. Even as you read this there is a beautiful world around you waiting to be enjoyed.
Sending so much love to you my friend. Thank you again for being part of our community.
Mark x
Damn I needed to hear allll of this. Tbh, useful input, advice, breakdowns on this topic, esp from a bi+ perspective, are *very* hard to find (and I say this with a masters degree in counseling 😂) so I really appreciate you sharing what you've learned.
Hey thanks for saying. Sadly it’s true. I don’t know anyone who does what I do. I wish I did! Put me out of a job! Please. I’d genuinely love to be out of work but I’m inundated. 🙈🙏🏽
As an Aroace who came out later in life(mid 30's), this has really helped me heal from my internalized queerphobia. Thankyou for your videos ❤
You're very welcome
So helpful, and healing thank you
Hey man, finally wanted to drop a comment after watching a good amount of your videos.
I have been dealing with questioning my sexuality for almost a year now.
I have always felt different and did some experimenting as a child but didn't want to do it anymore. I never had same sex attraction (to my knowledge) through my teens and 20s but when I fell in love with a woman I thought would be my wife I started to feel like there was more to me than I originally thought.
Our relationship has been a whirlwind because I have been open with her about it and she doesn't take it well most of the time.
I feel like I'm self sabotaging the relationship because of my internal struggles and it makes me feel shameful because she doesn't deserve it. She's a great person, I'm a good person and she loves me which is why we somehow end up together again. I'm just sad that being my true authentic self may take someone really special out of a special position in my life. I need to come to terms with being friends with her because she requires more of a dominant hetero male....or maybe not. She appreciates me, it's just hard because there are security issues and I haven't fully been able to explore the other side of myself.
Hey thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us here. I know lots of people will read this and feel less alone so thank you.
I completely resonate with what you have said and want you to know that this is so natural and normal. It makes complete sense what you're saying and we're here to support you, ok?
When we don't love a part of ourselves, it is difficult for others to love it too. I get the sense that you are kind of apologetic for your sexuality and feel like it's a sort of burden on your partner? Would I be right in saying that?
Let me tell you something. She is feeding off you. The way you feel about yourself will always be directly mirrored by your partner and the people in your life.
She has an issue with it? Of course she does, because YOU have an issue with it. Right?
I know it's hard, but we need to work on you loving, appreciating and being confident in your sexuality within yourself and then it will be impossible for anybody to have a problem with it.
Right now, I'm hearing that you're kind of apologising for it. You're saying your partner is great and you feel bad for putting this on her? Right?
No. This is YOU not loving yourself.
Never ever ever apologise for who you are. Never apologise or feel bad or a burden on your partner for something that is natural to you. Never. You are perfect, you are great as you are and if someone has a problem with that then they are not loving you. Hard fact but it's true.
Instead of trying to change to be what she wants, focus on loving and accepting yourself and she will most likely become more comfortable with it. When she sees that you are comfortable, she will feel comfortable. Partners often feel unsure when they feel like there's something you're not confident with. They want to know you. They want to connect with you. They want to be guided by your love for yourself, then it's easy to love you.
Secondly, masculinity. Check out my video on "how to be more manly" if not done so already. What you are doing right now is the absolute opposite of being confident in your masculinity.
When a woman says she wants a masculine man, what she means is she wants a man who is confident in himself. A man who doesn't take any crap. A man who is strong in himself and knows that who he is, is a strong valid, confident man.
The way to embodying that is to stop thinking it exists externally. It exists within you. It's kind of counter intuitive I know but it's true. It takes bravery. I'm guessing you have been told you're not good enough a lot in your life, or made to feel that somehow, so you apologise for it and try to please others.....
Am I right?
Look, you're a great guy. You're doing so well. Your partner sounds fab too. We need to bring your energy back from serving everybody else and bring it into your body and start connecting with YOU. Building you up. Building your confidence in what is naturally there within you.
Then you will be feeling so much better.
What do you think? let me know your thoughts and we can chat through. Much love, you're doing great, Mark x
This is amazing… i love you
Hey thank you so much. I’m sending so much love back to you.
this was so sweet, i really needed it 🤕
I’m so glad
Wow, this is so accurate, and yes I agree, when we love ourselves, the world seems beautiful again to us, also as a man who liked dolls or teddies while growing up, and typically feminine stuff, I agree in order to be accepted by society, parents and stay safe in a way, we have to wear masks at times, but I know who I am and what I like, I have some friends who support me fully to be the real version of me, and I've never tried makeup or other things but I want to someday when I can do so safely, and I know it's nothing wrong, or to apologise for not being the typical cis het, truck and sports loving boy maybe
I’m so glad you related with it. Thank you for watching. You deserve all the things your heart desires because they’re not wrong. I like make up actually. There’s a good brand called “war paint” (terrible name but they’re a good brand). They’re made for men and really simple / easy to use. I wear it when I’m going out or got a big day at work. Very subtle but just makes me feel confident. Love it. How funny that men are allowed to be violent and hurt others but not put some liquid or powder on their face?! Though many cultures have and do honour it for men. So sad that we have to deal with peoples nonsense. But real confidence comes from within and I feel you’re growing in it. It makes me so happy to chat with you. What kind of make up would you like to try out? Let me know. Much love to you.
@@notdefining Ohh, you like it too, cool. Also war paint is a terrible name haha 😂, but thanks for the suggestion. Also, so true that we have to deal with some people's nonsense. But yes as you said confidence comes from within, I would love to try the blush thing a bit, that gives a reddish or pinkish tint to your cheeks.
Lol yes the name is bad. But if it gets men to feel more comfortable trying things out then I guess I can live with it. Haha. Blush. Nice. You should go for it. What kind of skin do you have? Mine is quite red as it’s prone to inflammation so I want the opposite of blush haha ! Like concealer. But I know some people feel their skin can seem quite dull so a bit of blush gives that healthy glow. Primer is so good as well. Just a thin layer of clear gel at the beginning. Blends everything and prevents uneavenness. Really good if you want it to look natural. Hey. How does it feel to chat about makeup with another guy? Fun isn’t it? It’s my first time! So thanks. Haha. 💪🏽
@@notdefining Hehe yes, feels so fun to have this conversation about makeup with a man, that too a famous one. Yes I've seen primer in makeup reels, also I am Indian, have normal complexion as per what Indians have usually I guess, bit oily skin but am working on the skin care too, also not prone to inflammation but I can guess what you feel, if you want to, you can use some concealer
Oh my gosh haha I am NOT famous haha. I love the idea that I am famous though lol. Thanks ☺️ Hey you’re Indian? That’s awesome. Are you from India itself or that’s your origin? Either way that’s beautiful. I’m so excited to be publishing a new episode of our podcast “the Queer Spectrum” soon and we have an amazing guest from India talking all about being bi/queer and trans in India it’s going to be so good. Lots and lots of followers from Indian backgrounds on notdefining. I can always link you up if you’d ever like. It’s so nice to chat. Thanks for connecting. You said you weren’t necessarily in a safe situation to express yourself at the moment. Is everything ok? I’m here for you if you need anything ok? We are a big community here. Hope you’re doing alright. Hang in there. 🥰
Mark, that was beautiful! I loved the way you explained it. I went through the whole process, every sentence was relatable and right now in the "let's take care of my body" stage. Thank you!
Aaaah thank you so so much. I really appreciate this. Wow thanks this means an awful lot to me. I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself as you deserve. I speak from my heart and I’m going through this all myself too. I love to share it. I bet things have been tough? How long have you been dealing with this for? I hope you’re well on your way to recovery. Much love x
@@notdefining Well as a girl, I was never a typical girl. I always had difficulty with me not being "feminine" enough. So I have been fighting it since I was born tbh! And I am not young! You are dealing with you are not "masculine" enough. I am just the flipped side! Only a few years ago I figured I was somewhere in the LGBTQ+ zone
Hey I’m so glad you have shared this with me. Although it’s so sad we had to both endure this, it’s so fascinating that we have these almost opposite traits, both of which would have been encouraged had we had the opposite bodies! Isn’t that crazy? The thing I never understood was why do people love to be tough and competitive? Like why? What is the drive there? And why isn’t being pretty and desired ok? What kind of things did you struggle with and how did it feel? Sorry I just really value this conversation. I love to relate.
@@notdefiningSo many little struggles like clothes, interests, way I carry my body, not very nurturing, not being attracted to cis men (macho, alpha etc. the type you see everywhere!). Once I learnt more about the LGBTQ+ folks I started to feel more at home with all my issues.
Hey thanks for sharing that detail. Yes the macho alpha types can be a big turnoff can’t they?! Haha. I used to be attracted to them but it’s really disappeared the more I love myself. I used to hate my queerness so was attracted to those who were very macho and who degraded me. It’s so nice to be away from that now. I have the same for women too. Really “staunchly hetero” women I just find so scary and unappealing. I feel there are so many expectations for me to be “macho” and fit a norm for them and it’s just traumatising. Queer, non binary, trans fem folk are so gorgeous to me. Just way more interesting and exciting. What about you? Whats your perfect partner like?
So much of what I needed to hear today, Mark. I’ve been working on learning to trust myself and my body more, and yours is the second message I’ve heard about that just today. Thank you. 💚
Rob thank you so so much for watching and taking the time to comment. I'm so glad you found the video helpful. It brings me so much joy to share these things and have it resonate with people. When we go through it, we can think we're alone sometimes can't we? What is your body feeling at the moment? What things come up for you that are hard to trust? I'd love to know more as always. Much love to you my friend. You're so valid and doing great. Sending big hugs x
Things that made my internalized homophobia a lot worse:
-the nofap community
-psychotherapy community
-parts of the new age community (other parts are very accepting, like paganism)
-OCD
-the furry community tbqh (hard to explain, but its easy to think what you like in furry art is what you will like irl)
I actually feel you on all of this.
i think everyone, whether straight or gay, wears their masks, and they have different masks for different situations, this is a healthy and working mental ability. sometimes i feel as a gay person that i'm being demanded to forcefully find the "queer" side in me and let it out, otherwise i must suffer from internalized homophobia. sometimes in the gay community, there is a social pressure to be and act differently than the norm, and with all these pressures and definitions from all sides, it gets hard to feel what my body feels, what i am, what i want, what i internalizing, and what comes from outside pressure.
i just can say that i doesnt have regrets or harsh thoughts about things i would like to do or be and i dont allow myself, it doesnt bother me in my daily life at all. on the other hand, i do despise people who are too noisy, extreme, attention seeking or just seem fake or submitting to the queer culture and group's pressure, and this aversion that i have towards that many times interpreted by others as "internalized homophobia" (although i really don't feel like that). so i really don't know... what you say is "connecting to your true self\feelings\thought" feel to me like submitting to a false social concept...
This is a really precious video
Hey thank you. If you can ever share it with others I would be so grateful. No worries if not n
Thank you for your advice, it is right on point.
Hey thanks so much. I’m so pleased.
Great advices
Hey thanks so much. I’m so pleased it was helpful.
I loved your video. I thought June - Pride month - was a good time to take a look at where I am with internalized homophobia (I'm a gay man by the way). I was at coffee shop recently and two guys entered on their way to a Pride march - very happy, very vocal - and I had a negative reaction. I thought - ugh - more work to do. I'm reading Velvet Rage and taking a look at videos like yours. Also looking for guided meditations with a focus on healing intlrnalizedhomophobia. Your video is so clear and easy to follow and your manner is so positive and gentle. Thank you so, SO much for doing this. Greatly appreciated!
Hey thanks so much for your kind words and for doing this work on yourself. It sounds like you’re engaging with loads of great resources. I have some guided meditations on my channel if you like to check them out. Otherwise just thanks so much for being here. Sending so much love.
@@notdefining Thank you so much for replying - means a lot. I will definitely check out your videos! Best! M.
Of course you’re so welcome
I was born and raised in a catholic, conservativesFamiliy.
I went to a Christian private School for 10 years, preschool, elementary and secondary school.
It was during this Time that i recognized that I am different from the others but I couldn’t make it out why, was I to friendly ? To happy ?
With time other classmates began to pick on me so in order to stop that I’d try to fit in, I guess this is the part where I first put the mask on.
I was happy but my old iner self completely vanished, I went from an extrovert to a complete introvert.
In addition to that I began to gain weight, and I didn’t mind about it for a very long time, I became slight obese.
Now during the Corona epidemic it started that I unusually got more arroused to feminine Men where it was only woman until now. I began to type homophobic things like it is not normal, nature didn’t wanted it that way etc. and acted homophobic in order to establish my heterosexuality.
Becouse of over the last 2 years where I unusually had more hatred and depression in me than ever I began to search for mental health guidance before I would council a therapist.
There was one website that sparked my interrest and was called „ Dear Homophobe“
I began to read a little bit and there was a Joke which to my surprise found funny: I am Bisexual becouse God said Adam AND Eve, not Adam or Eve 😊
This was 2 days Ago, since then i interacted on various online Plattforms with members of the lgbt movement, I began to talk without any prejudice whatsoever and then it happened.
Something I never thought would be possible but it happened anyway: I could accept that I like Man.
Furthermore the last 2 days I was constantly slightly smiling like my old self from my school days and I was happy, my work colleagues began to notice it.
The World didn’t seem so foggy and dark anymore.
Here I am now, almost completely changed, my bad eating habits vanished overnight and Im confident that It will continue to do so.
I guess it is really true what they are saying, no life is worth living if you cant be true to your nature.
Your Video also helped me to confirm it again and I cant thank you enough for this.
But then again, I think constantly about the things I’ve said during my homophonic phase… how can i forgive myself ? The Damage is done to other people…
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
Hi there! So glad I found your video. Is it possible to help someone else like a partner heal through this? Or is it a journey they'd have to go through alone? Because I had a partner who I think suffered from internalized homophobia which caused him to treat me not so nice for close to 2 years. We've broken up now (he cheated on me) but I wonder if he was simply a terrible person or he had shades of IH. He'd like me one minute the next minute he'd want nothing to do with me. Being bi myself (but with a preference for men) this kept throwing me off and I shed a lot of tears. I once shared a video of Courtney Jai with him but I don't think it did anything. He's Christian and wants kids btw. 2 things that have zero to do with me. Does this explain why young queer folk are just so shit at relationships in the beginning? Would love your take on this or some way to Dm you. Thanks :).
Hey sorry for the delay and thanks so much for sharing what's been going on for you. I'm so sorry to hear you have had to go through this difficult experience with your partner. You can absolutely support a partner who may be experiencing internalised LGBTphobia. Of course it has to ultimately come from them but being aware, conscious and open (as it seems you were) can really help. No one is a bad person. We all do the best we can with what we have got at the time. But if your partner was disrespecting you and cheating then it would seem to me that it was right for the relationship to end. You can try your best to help someone but you can't fix them when they're not respecting your boundaries. So I do private write ins on patreon.com/notdefining. You can write in to me any time and I'll reply with detailed considered advice. We also have group chats and other content there. I also do 1:1 video coaching and mentoring through notdefining.square.site. I always try to answer here as well so if you ever need support just let me know. Here for you. Sending so much love, Mark x
@@notdefining Thanks for replying anyways. I'm trying to heal but it's hard cos although there are feelings, there's also hurt which is difficult to untangle. Anyway, I appreciate your support. Thanks.
@@freddyjafar1490 I hear you. You're so welcome here and we're always here to listen. Take it easy on yourself - you're doing a good job. OK?
@@notdefining Cheers 🔥❤️👍
I hadn't listened to this one before. Quite good. O guess another tool that I had was the gay community and gay friendships as a way to overcome aspects of homophobia. That community is more digitally medicated and less personally and physically identifiable today and the prganinc interpersonal systems of support and connection don't compete with the efficiency of national advocacy groups or service providers and I don't know how you would reproduce it if not available to you. But there is something about surrounding yourself with all gay men for several weeks by bouncing frrom gayberhood to gayberhood on an extended road trup ith friends but you start to notice abd rewir=te those scripts that kkept you all apart growingup and you learn to enjoy voices that are identifiably not straight and it cecomes an atractive quality that you value. (oh and with that in mind I wwas thinking about some of the discussion about what Bi guys like-- and I thoughy if you flop that and want to have a gay guy really like you or open up on the dating someone bi tthing, Say nice yhhings about his voice don't say it sounds masculin to you if it doesnt but it is so universally a point of concern and anxienty for most ghay men anoter one that will make you shine brightly as a gay guy and adress internalized homophobiia is to take a stand against overt interpersonal expressions of homophobia, One last thoyght on I.H. is people talk about being gay you face minority stress and you have internalized homophobia and related and building off of both of thise is the experience of rekection and not belonging that ib sone ways resembles the experience of being adopted and raised by Non kin and not be yor own parents. There are evenn studies about how early effeminacy in boys is iddntified as atypical or gender incongruent which parents then become withholding and in some cases will try and counter that with sort of positive spi neglignce "you just knew to do the right thing, i never worried about youetc. Bot even wiwth alll pf yhaty we can fail to igive ourselves credit as queer men for our amazing survival and ability to often thrive. WE are raised with littl;e in the way of enduring cultural scripts and life paths that is a way to live that is simple to follow filled wiith opertunitiess for challenge and success along verry well worn cultuural paths that we learn to see through a story of the herroic victor and that have developed over such a period that these scripts provide us the ccritical set of psychological ssup[[prts that make life meaningffuull and bearable and dont compriimioz your pplace and belonging in society. So children grand schilddren and all teh reinforcement for when tyioiu vcalue an dpropritize those relatiponshoips ius a sure fire way to be able to face the looming reality of your own finite existance and impending demize. This one is a good example becauyse outside extreem effor gay men lack a common and easily liived path that so nicely adresses that existential need. Some yturn to career and job performance making a mark in some philanthriopic way and so on or nieces and nephews abut neirther are so well reaffirrmed as if you have a kid of your own. I will leave it at that. good reflection thanks
Thanks so much for watching once again and sharing your thoughts. We appreciate it. Sending lots of love x
What is gay people opinion about pedophili and zoophili?
I don’t know, ask a gay person. I think though that most people think it’s wrong because neither a child or an animal can consent. They are also both criminal offences. The fact that you are asking that question suggests to me that you are conflating gay people with criminals and that kind of attitude is completely unacceptable on my page. Please never ask an LGBT person that question because it is deeply offensive and also weird. Thanks.