My Husband Weighs Our Family Down
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- čas přidán 29. 02. 2024
- On this episode, we hear about:
- A wife frustrated by her husband’s inability to keep a job
- A woman addicted to staying busy
- A mom unsure of how much to support her college-age son
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Sorry, but caller one this is just so hard: he prevented you multiple times from going to college, cheated multiple times, doesn't help at home (not even when you are trying to study), is dishonest, doesn't share your values and does not contribute financially, doesn't provide for the children and is an execrable example to his children. He doesn't love you and the children the way you deserve it. This marriage is over. You, ma'm are a kind, loving, generous woman, very tough to survive all this. It is time to call the shots. Lots of love. I'm praying for you and your family.
150 percent
@@pce12345 thanks
I bet he was all of that before the marriage n kids
Yes, he's controlling you by making you handle all of his and your life responsibilities. Please look at speaking with an attorney.
Let him be a stay at home house husband. Alot of men have lazy stay at home wives who cheat and they still stay married.
Seems like a double standard eh?
This caller was me. Very similar marriage story. He ended up divorcing me because he felt so powerless as a man. Then he went after custody because he needed to feel like he wasn't losing. A broken man with low self worth and unhealed pain can be a dangerous detriment to the welfare of women and children. Please prioritize your wellbeing and trust you are worth being loved and cared for by whole people. 🙏🏻 your kids need you to be well so they have a chance at a better experience.
Some real losers out there
@@pce12345Dude lost his kid and went through a loss of faith. While everything he's done is surely not excused, it's not surprising either.
Wow well put.
I think there is a time and place when a hard decisions needs to be made. As a Christian Woman who was married to a Christian? Man for 15 years who in spite of my fidelity, loyalty, love and being a devoted mother to our daughter---he blamed me for all the problems in our marriage. After a few years of personal counseling and marriage counseling I realized I needed to set a hard boundary for myself and for the benefit of our child. This is while we were trying to preserve our marriage then eventually my ex simply chose to file for separation. This is where it gets ugly when one partner blames the other for all the marital problems and will do nothing to make the marriage better. If the person who wants to try to work it out realizes their partner is not willing to look at their own behavior, it is not going to work. So you have to look out for your child or children and yourself as a family of God's Children. That means not for them to lose both parents but to stop the cycle of destruction. You may have no choice to separate the whole family from one partner if violence and blatant abuse is involved or share visitation if the adults are both decent or good parents. It is not easy and you need to be prepared that it will not be an easy uncoupling. The person who no longer has someone who props them up will often throw a hissy fit and have no problem hurting everyone in his or her path including their children. So you just hold on and protect your children and yourself as much as possible. Even step in front of your children to take all the slings and arrows from the other parent. You have to know you may not come out of the situation without some scars. That is where good Christian counseling for everyone is important though don't expect your ex to get good personal counseling as they often say they don't need it. Draw close to God and he will help you weather the storm. No one wants to go through this but what is the alternative. To maintain an unsafe environment for your child to grow up in. We prayed together for guidance. Once he filed though he already has plan in motion to emotional and legally jump me, intimidate, and cause a lot of unnecessary stress. It can be the worst betrayal and the best thing to happen in a clever disguise. It may take years to realize it. Just keep moving through it and eventually you and your family will come out the other side.
@@droptozro, That is a cop out. What about his living family? They need him too.
Dear Lacie. My dad is like your husband. My mom has been waiting 43 years for him to change...
I always wondered why people break up after such long marriages. That's crazy
Yep, you wait for them to change back to how they were in the beginning of the relationship. You think a child would help, you blame yourself, and you make excuses for him. Before you know it, 40 years have passed.
I waited 20 years as well, NO MORE. ✅
13 years for me. I’ve been free almost 4. Haven’t dated since. Have no desire to. Not after the hell I lived.
I know a lady that was romantically interested in a narcissist I used to work for like ten years ago. Every couple months I hear about how he is about to turn a corner and become the good man she thinks is hidden inside. Then a couple weeks later I hear about what a piece of garbage he is and how bad he mistreats her. She's an idiot that excuses his behavior because he had this happen and his mom mistreated him and blah blah blah. He's 60, what your parents did is not relevant at that age, if you haven't learned to be a better person, you never will.
I stayed with a man that was similar to this man (caller #1) I was sure that he was mentally ill, and you don’t abandon someone who is mentally or otherwise ill. I spent years trying to set up a life that would make him happy but nothing ever did. Once I understood narcissism, I understood that he couldn’t be helped, and if I didn’t get out I would be a hollow shell with nothing of myself left, I got out.
Why not? There are loads we just can't carry.
True, you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselve
Save yourself and forget about him. Don't waste your time on him he's sick.
I made a vow to be with my ex through sickness and health. He had some childhood trauma and mh diagnoses. I was happy to stay as long as he tried to address the issues, but when he quit, I had to be out. He was drowning my child and me and I couldn’t allow that to happen to my kid.
Yes they are victim narcissists. It took me years to realize
The first call the lady deserves much more. Her husband cheats, doesn't work, doesn't help with the children, and she wants to save it? She needs to leave period, he's not a good person.
She already has biblical grounds for cheating. She is needing permission. He’s no partner.
He sabotaged HER success because he feels inadequate and a failure.
Some people don't lift you up, they pull you down with them. They're a failure, so you have to be a failure too
I'm guessing that's why delony was so clear about things. Draw those boundaries and if he doesn't accept it, he can leave.
This is hell on earth for the wife.
@Roller-Blades-dg7fq I meant that she has biblical grounds (to divorce) on account of HIS cheating. Not that she should cheat.
That's the kind of man my father told us not to get involved with. Dead weight and a liability. She has a child for a husband.
She's pushing a wheelbarrow and he's in it. Sad. Run
My father as well. Maybe my dad was to realistic with me about men and the way alot of them are. Men like the 1st callers husband my dad called them "deadbeats and dearalicts."
Well said.
To add to my previous comment - I just heard that you are 28 years old. Please don’t make the same mistake I did and stay way too long. I so wish I had not let it go on for 20 years. It was a terrible example for my kids and that is the primary reason I left.
How are your kids today if you don't mind me asking? Do you think they were able to avoid his bad example repeating? So many of us are dealing with this and want better for the kids.
Perfectly said.
Totally echo this statement. Know your worth ❤️
Another lonely woman trying to make sure that other women die old and alone like she will
Please, please Lacey, do not let anybody steal these youthful years of yours. You will never have it back. Take action now, take action even if you are sad and afraid. Please do it if not for yourself then for your children. That human who is beside you does not love you.
Disgusting
He's not perfect, irredeemable, so forget your vows and live your best life now!
Right?
She won’t give up her sex life. Like most women.
@@zachfrickelwould you be saying this if a man called in about his wife repeatedly cheating with other men? Or would that suddenly be enough to break the vows?
She isn't the one breaking the covenant. He already did that. She is having to face that reality and decided if she wants to enter into a new covenant with him again. But why should she was to do that? Je destroyed the last one. Why wouldn't he just do it again?
My ACEs score is 10. I’m not a jerk to my husband. I don’t force my problems onto my husband & children. Childhood trauma isn’t an excuse to be an ass. You still have to get up every day & support your family. Lacie needs to dump her loser husband.
My aces, although not 10, is quite high too. I chose to not have children as I recognized how unprepared I was to care for and shape a new life. I truly wish more ppl recognized the impact of an abusive childhood and either didn't have children or waited until they were in a better place before having children. Some broken ppl have children for very selfish reasons,,sadly.
Exactly. My mom is an aces of 10. She was SAd by multiple family members and her own father-after being abandoned age 2 at a daycare by her mother. She is the kindest, most hardworking person Ive ever known.
@@lilred00051 Exaclty! Marriage and kids are pushed on people as an indicator of success. No one talks about the real life challenges of that choice and how people need to be emotionally and financially prepared to fully commit to a spouse and raise healthy happy kids. I've had people tell me that while they love their kids they regret having them too early, with the wrong person, etc, etc.
The first caller's husband sounds a lot like my ex.
And when Dr John said: he doesn't work, he doesn't keep his word, he isn't a good model of healthy masculinity, i felt that deeply.
She should just leave, period. Not only is he lazy, he also cheated. He's not gonna change..stop wasting time with this dude. He will continue to drag you down. Leave now and save yourself the grief. You deserve better, go get it!
Pathetic
Yes, while she’s still young enough to start over!
Agreed, it sounds like he has way too many personal problems to just suddenly flip a switch and become a normal, responsible person. If it was a person with a long history of responsible behavior who had a one time slip up, or suddenly became depressed after a loss in the family, maybe you could work through that relatively quickly, but this is not that. She needs to divorce to protect herself and her kids financially and emotionally, move on and have a stable life. Maybe he can heal in 10-20 years of therapy, but that's too long for her kids to suffer through this.
👍
Goodness the last call- we started out the same way. We had three awesome kids and I have my own business. They need supportive people around them. Not advice unless asked. Help them make this path WHY they succeeded, not why they failed. There’s nothing stopping them, it’s just a little different than anticipated.
To the mom of the college student expecting a baby. My mom was very much like you and very supportive when I was pregnant at 19. His parents took a little longer to come around but ultimately both mine and his parents gave us support. That baby is almost 13 now, his dad and I have been married for almost 12 years and now have 5 beautiful children. Happy outcomes do happen. Best wishes to all of them.
Then the second caller was so boring
Lacie from Missouri, I am you at 58, married for 30 yrs to an abusive narcissist. Yes to everything John said. I should have gotten out so many times, but too scared of being alone with 4 kids.
You are not alone. Jesus is always with you. I’m divorcing my husband after 25 years. He is a narcissist/ alcoholic. I can no longer take it!!!!
@@glowieokenney7915 disgusting
The hardest part of being a single mother is being a single mother married to an abusive man. This is so hard....but still easier.
I left after 23 years- you can do it! Life is so much better now!
@@annmariemarin5513 ty 🙏💜
I was in a similar situation in my marriage - he held down a job for the first 7 years and after that decided he was just going to work when he felt like it. I supported him in all his pipe dreams and the longer this went on, the more he slacked off and relied on me to support him financially and manage the household and kids. He ended up becoming more like a random teenager living in my house, not contributing much and just doing his own thing all the time. He refused to go to marriage counseling or hold down a steady job. I never thought I’d end up divorced but I finally filed for divorce after 20 years together. I have not had a single moment of regret since. It’s a tough call to make, but you can only be patient and understanding for so long. You’ve given him the best years of your life. It’s time to put yourself first and make the rest of your life a happier one.
If she is only 28 then she has not yet had the best years and if she stays then she will never have a happy fulfilled life .
She has not given him the best years. I hear what you're trying to say but it's really so defeating and unconstructive. She gets to chose everything that still lies ahead. And if she gets out of this awful situation, her best years are definitely still AHEAD of her!
@@strangeaslife It's not defeatist; it's realistic. If she leaves him, she'll have an emotionally and financially difficult 3-5 years as she deals with the causes of her co-dependency and builds up a dose of self-confidence and self-esteem. If she stays, she'll have emotional havoc and financial difficulties for the rest of her life, gradually feeling worse and worse about herself and more and more unhappy, defeated by her co-dependency and his narcissism.
I hope she forces herself to throw him out and divorce him. I say forces herself because co-dependent people live with such an intense resistance to leave a relationship, a resistance that can even produce physical symptoms, a resistance they sometimes have to overcome with the sheer force of will. It's not easy. But she has to do it to save the rest of her life from this kind of man.
I hope she leaves him. She married a slacker, a liar, a cheater. She still wants to “fix” him. It’s sad.
My Ex did the same thing. The heaviness of the air was palpable when he was around. Narcissist.
Whoa - he said “where does that sit in your body” and you could like hear in the caller’s stunned silence her sudden awareness of how her body is handling it.
Amazing work!
If he cheats one more time the marriage is over?? 😮 Uuhhh, lets think about this... He's cheated MULTIPLE TIMES ALREADY...HE'S ALREADY "OPTED OUT"!!!
“What do we want this home to feel like when we walk in the door?” = the most powerful and motivating question I’ve ever asked with my family, and has lead to such positive changes after years of getting bogged down in details or blame… Thank you!
What will an abusive spouse say to that
@@MS-ov9sv I wouldn’t know.
Why are you with an abusive partner?
What do you gain from this?
Would it be possible for you to make arrangements to depend on others for what you need from them for a bit, few days or weeks until you get some perspective and support elsewhere? Or a better plan together than staying in abuse?
@@MS-ov9sv hopefully: “peaceful, nourishing, supportive, respectful, enjoyable, fun, refreshing… “ why not?
What else would they say?
“Harmful, scary, loud, smelly, painful, abusive, depressing, frustrating, gritty, obnoxious, dangerous, broken from power battles past…”?
I have no idea.
Wonderful to hear it worked so well for you.
Girl, RUN! Don't walk.
💯!!
More like submit
Lacey, put yourself first! This guy is an anchor and a cheater! Don’t waste your life on this dude, you deserve better. You tried but you can’t change him. I wasted too many years on someone, it’s not worth it ❤️🙏🏻❤️. Set a timeline, and keep it if things don’t improve.
Garbage
John shy have encouraged her to finish her college degree so she’ll have finances to care for her kids and herself.
@karenmiller926 that's not always the case. Especially if you have to take out loans for college, the overall cost versus only a slight increase in salary may not be worth it.
@@karenmiller926 such a female mindset 😭🤣
Run girl. I give you permission to leave. It sounds like you want it to work but he has done everything to light the marriage on fire. And keeps lighting it on fire. You rebuild. He burns it down. It sounds very co-dependent, one side gives and the other takes. Let it go. You tried but there are men out there that will be a partner to you.
My sister got pregnant at 17, couldn't finish the college/highschool duel enrollment she was in so she did a normal highschool degree. Stayed with my mom for a year and then put herself through nursing school. She's now making more than me (35yo) and has a rad little 4 yo mini me. She's an inspiration.
She isnt a fcking a fcking inspiration, she let a man reproduce with no respınsibility from him.
First caller. It reminds me of my ex-husband. Guess what, they never change. You deserve better.
The first caller is why I broke up with my high school sweetheart and never looked back. Most teenage boys are not ready for an adult relationship and if you hold their hand all the way, you wake up 20 years later still married to a boy. If you marry an immature teenage boy you will wake up with this woman’s life, or worse. She has to do everything because he doesn’t want to be a man in a relationship with her.
Oh man, the first caller sounds like such a nice person and deserves so much more from a partner. I don’t think she has fully absorbed the reality of her situation. And she’s only 28! I thought she was much older. I admire that she wants to stick to her vows, but what is he giving her? He hasn’t actually CHANGED. Life shouldn’t be this hard! I really hope she can create a life with happiness and peace for herself and her children.
The man wants out, but he doesn’t really want out because he’s got a sugar mama
So sad for the first caller. Hope she wakes up and moves on before she wastes 20 years of her life like I did.😢
Maybe you can write a book about your experience. That way it
Won’t be a waste it can help others and maybe it will be able to give you an income. I mean think about if you had a book of warning like 3 years in
@@renarich4942 🤔 great idea. 😉
No one should stuck with a unworthy person all ur life simply because u said”forever” when u got married. Ur life is way much more valuable than some words
This is one of the problems with religious couples to her it’s not just words it’s part of her faith the stigma and “rules” that come with being in a religious marriage is that they end up trapped in these relationships because they feel like there committing a sin by leaving it’s better to be unhappy than to go against what they believe it’s really sad not bashing religion at all but the views of the church need to change or evolve it’s too unbalanced with the time we live in just my opinion but seems a common thread in these calls they may not outright say it’s because it’s a sin but underneath all the other issues that’s the bottom line 😕
Words are a commitment, however 10 years can should be long enough to judge if the other person meant the same words as yours.
Words are everything - they’re what we live by, and how we orient ourselves within relationships.
The problem isn’t that she’s keeping her end, it’s that he’s not keeping his. She has absolute grounds for divorce here - even in the eyes of the Catholic Church and Judaism (which are two of the the strictest doctrines among the abrahamic faiths on divorce) she has grounds for divorce.
The problem in today’s day and age is the exact opposite of the problem you just prescribed to religious people….. the problem is that the world treats words as though they’re superfluous and devoid of meaning. Now you have people making vows before the law and God, with as much intention as if they were discussing the game in the weekend. People who think it’s perfectly reasonable to call men women, and women, breeders, bleeders, and uterus havers. It’s damning.
Once a cheater always a cheater, learn when a person shows you who they are.
He acknowledges that he is being dragged but refuses to take control of his situation. He cheats on her and refuses to pay a bill. Also, doesn't share core values of religion and morality. Ooof. He seems like he doesn't care if the marriage ends. The woman is a saint.
Lady, just file for divorce.
She definitely is getting a divorce. She's building a false case to demonise her husband so she wins custody, spousal support and half his 401k. Which it works so why wouldn't she do it?
The last video, John went on a tangent about needing to come back to traditional roles. So many women have husbands/ex-husbands like Lacey's. Wives can't lean into their traditional roles when they have husbands like hers.
Because John is a guy 😂 come on you really think he is not bias ? He says what’s better for men not for women except if he thinks about his daughters
Exactly women seem to be the favored scapegoat for the world's problems...we've heard grandma's horror stories when things were traditional not that we can earn money men have to compete with that and they like their control but don't want to meet halfway and many women are tired.
Disgusting
@@gc4161no he doesn't 😂
@@user-pv2xz6oh7dMy great grandmother built a whole town out here. My great aunt worked in the White House. My aunt was a singer. The first black-woman millionaire was back in the 1910's ffs. Women have been fully capable for forever. In the US there's always been a way for the people who wanted it. In the past you just had to make it happen yourself.
Lacie my heart breaks for you. I was in your situation a few years ago. I hate this for you. I wish you could see what we all see listening to your story. You are stronger than you know.
I couldn’t describe the feeling before but my body knows when he’s coming home and it feels like a taser about to go off..
Same
😢
Please find a way to leave. Please save the rest of your life from the kind of person who makes you feel such anxiety and fear. Please.
The audacity tbh. If being lazy with the kids made my partner stop college because they're overwhelmed, I would be devastated and guilty
I had a baby at 19. My young marriage failed, but we both graduated college, got advanced degrees and my daughter is married with a law degree. The college had great day care options, we qualified for financial aide and our parents were supportive. Wouldn’t do anything different
The first lady, is me. I lived like this for 14 years, then 5 years ago, I said enough is enough. Now rebuilding from the ground up. Freaking hard but better than ever.
Building with or without him
Been binging this show for a few weeks now while on night shift, can’t thank you enough John!! Doing gods work!! 🙏
I prefer Google
I love that Dr. Delony does not play about marriage! If one party does not want to give their 100% then it’s OVER!! I suggest for anyone thinking about marriage to physically list those DEAL BREAKERS before getting married and make sure you’re both on the same page! Do not let another adult not be accountable for their bad behavior and lack of action!! ❤😊❤😊
Resentment isn't a "crime", it's telling you it's time to leave. You're not resenting "one thing done", resentment is built over time. Being consistently disappointed by a person's actions. If it's continually... it's not an accident, it's purposeful, therefore it's not going to change. We need to learn when it's time to stop fighting a losing battle.
Thank you for the lady who called in about being addicted to busy. My husband is the one who is in that cycle. Its been so hard to love and live life with someone who keeps thinking they need to be busy, all the time.
Insecure people can't stand for their partner to succeed because ot shines a light on how much a failure they are.
If you have energy for affairs but not a job then YOUR the problem
Lacie, im so sorry. You deserve so much better 💓 either from him improving or someone else. Even alone but with peace and joy.
No she don't
@@dabd8175good morning dab 🌄 😅
@@dabd8175 Exactly. At least he's employable and can work and is willing to use his paycheck to support the family. If a man said my wife is slowing us down, she doesn't keep the place clean, and she only looks after the kids part time, we would tell him that 1) he's misogynist and 2) why doesn't he pick up the slack and do those things? It's his family too. The point I'm making is when women complain about men not doing their male role, there is sympathy for her and "she deserves better". But if a man complains about women not doing their female role, he is a misogynistic pig and a weak man. No, he doesn't deserve better, his wife does with his outdated views.
So she shouldn’t expect happiness on her own, it’s gotta be with a man to survive. Women are utterly pathetic. We have equal rights now.
@@dabd8175I'm genuinely curious. You've left multiple comments against this caller Lacy. Why?? Why do you feel she's in the wrong and her lazy, cheating, abusive, narcissist husband is right. What is your reasoning?? 🤔
I understand, Lacey. I am living the same life as you. This call could’ve come directly from me.
I am working up the courage (and finances) to walk away. I just can’t do it anymore.
That's sad...
If you're ok with living like this? Kudos to you❤
You got this. You got this!!!!! You’ll come out on the other side of this and you will have survived and you’ll thrive, and you’ll be proud of yourself.
My ex opted out after 23 yrs. Wanted to leave me with a broken down house. I signed the no equity home to him. I started fresh with 2 teen daughters. One with a boyfriend like her dad. I slammed the breaks. She broke up with him with great relief. The girls and I had been attending church 5 years. I did divorce care. As an RN I was able to see the psychology in all of it. I was grateful going forward in knowing how to set boundaries. My husband now and I are great friends. We enjoy each other’s company. One has to do the work. I simply told the ex we were leaving and divorcing. No arguments from him. My 33 yo doesn’t really date. 37 yo has been married 10 years with her hard working husband who’s a great dad to the two grands.
First caller, kick him out. Be done with him. He has no respect for you.
Caller one, Lacie, I’m not ACES score of 10 but I AM an 8.
By 21 I was diagnosed with BPD.
I ruined relationships in my 20s (I’m 40 now & have had to go through CRAZY amounts of healing and growth or I was never going to have love)
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but let me tell you something. He is teaching your kids how to repeat him & his behavior is giving them a higher ACES score.
It’s like an internalized sadness that is low grade depression for your whole life.
You do get sad and you get shut down with high scores like that. He’s sad though. But it doesn’t mean he gets to drag others down. You’ll have to snap out of this for your family because he won’t be able to on his own accord if this is where he’s currently at. He has a pattern where it’s ok as long as it’s not OK for too long. His “normal” is not healthy but to him it’ll feel healthier to be in more drama and chaos. This was my pattern. I never had a happy life or safety modeled and if stuff was ok for too long I absolutely freaked out but I didn’t know I was sabotaging because I was so used to functioning so checked out or low key sad. Love you.
Have boundaries. I’m not like this anymore. He can heal but he MAY not heal.
Don’t use his number as an excuse as to why he can’t be good to you. He may not love himself but he can learn but you can’t live his life for him. Love yourself and kids enough to have major boundaries with him x
Ps, also make sure he’s really healed from the loss of a son. That may be where he just totally quit.
Dr.J. I have to use that line.
Powerful, you’ve been so happy with the scraps he leaves under his table.”
Powerful. Good stuff. I can not believe this show is free!!!
Proud of you Dr.J !!!!!!
Oh, man! The question "Who gave you more attention for doing something good?" hit so hard! I never thought about that before. My dad a little (always working 2 jobs, then moved away & only came around for state competitions and graduation), but also on a daily basis with my ex-husband for 13years. My value was solely based on my ability to exceed his expectations, which wasn't possible and he was happiest when we were making big changes.
This is my soon to be ex. Instead of trying to limit myself and take things off my plate, I removed him and my life became so much easier, still busy, but I didn't have to drag his body along anymore. He always did things only half way, always messing up stuff on purpose and putting road blocks in my way. I tried everything: lists, power points, sky writing, nothing worked. He took no responsibility for anything, financial, kiddo, relationship, life in general, nothing. I started my Masters 3x and every time, he would find a way to ruin it. If I even had an ounce of happy or just a good day, his energy would just bring it down, every time. Run girl!
Regarding the first caller, Lacey: This can never work. If a woman has to mold her husband into the man he should be, she does not have a man. And the irony is, the husband (Who severely lacks character, faithfulness and integrity) would be being led by his wife, which is the very thing Lacey says that he is already complaining about. One can not trust nor change a cheater. Once someone cheats, they are dead to you, and they are the one who chose to make themself such. Sorry ma'am, but Dr. Baloney was on the right track when he said that is over.
Dr. Baloney??😅
@@arreola891Team Red Pill loves dumb jokes.
Oh for goodness sake Lacey needs to divorce this guy!!!! She needs a proper life!!!!!
I'm 68 and have a husband who is a lazy narcissist. I've given up so much of my life to try to crap fit this relationship. I can't afford to live alone, but I'm trying to figure it out. The good then bad behavior is just love bombing and will always happen. Fawning is not healthy.
My husband’s employment experience was six weeks…. Good thing we had my job. He was a mama’s boy/narcissist.
Sorry to be blunt, but who gives a sh* about his mental issues. You can have mental issues and not be a POS to your wife. I had mental issues, sat in my own sorrows and always said poor me. I finally got TIRED of all of the wallowing and decided to be a better person, then God brought my husband into my life. And I thank God every day that my husband is an amazing person who wants to be a leader and provider in our relationship. Lacey deserves a real man.
So you were the same as him but weren't married at the time.
Would you say "who gives a sh* about your mental issues" to your husband if he was really struggling? Yes, no excuses for sure - but a ton of men are silently struggling with depression and despair and they feel that their wives don't give a sh* about them - because they don't.
@@tkordikNah … the men don’t give a ish about themselves and the majority don’t want to get help.
They except their spouse and kids to tolerate their dark energy and outburst regardless of the damage.
If you (general you) refuse to get help or not taking the help seriously, then stop expecting your partner to deal w/your negativity and the consequences forever (especially when there are children involved).
@@ogolden8315I just had this conversation.
“What about this are you trying to hang on to?” 😮
The first caller needs to leave. Even religious people would agree 💯 from his lack of taking care of his children and him CHEATING
My mom is 52 and still with a man like the first caller. My step dad has put her through hell and back but she still will hold in to him because sometimes “he’s good”. At some point it stops being his fault because she has accepted who he is. love yourself Lacey, love GOD and have HIM be your rock and your strength while you heal your marriage or move on.. your husband might need time away from you to hit his rock bottom and figure his life out. He cannot get there if he has you to save him from true change every time.
Dang I'm a man in the same situation as that second lady. 2 years of finishing up an online degree while working OT weekly at work, trying to stay connected to family, and have a bit of a life has worn me out. Never thought I could be so busy in all my life. Now the anxiety of job change comes. John said it pretty clearly. Gonna have to just sit in silence and learn peace again while getting someone to talk to who can help me move forward. It's so ironic because a decade ago I could sit in silence alone on a 45 minute drive both ways(radio didn't work, no phone music) easily and now I'd go nuts. never thought this would be me.
Lacey can speak to him until she's blue. That's not a man who's husband material.
He's just going to roll over in bed on Sunday mornings and pull the covers and go to sleep instead of church
Men are nice to wives when they are cheating . Don't fall for those love boom moments.
Don't waste your time. When people show themselves that's who they are .
You can take a horse to the well. You cannot force it to drink.
That man will break your spirits and your body will break down from stress. I've seen it in my line of work.
I've been binge watching this show this last week, it's really helping me figure some stuff out.
This happened to me and family support would have made a world of difference
Lacy is just about the sweetest voice. Hope you find ease and strength in your journey.
Wow: Love how honest : Dr. Delony was with her, that make an amazing Dr.
as for the caller, everything validates what she put together in her mind.
I struggle with over committing. I finally had to treat my time like money. I got a paper planner and ditched the calendar on my phone, Google, and all the other apps. I like the idea of waiting 24 hours before saying yes to something.
Time to move on Lacey. Sending you strength and prayers. This guy needs to fix himself if he wants to. You cannot do it for him. He is hurting you and will continue to compromise you. Time to love yourself and move on.
Lacey sounds so wonderful. Her voice is beautiful and her spirit just is so wonderful. I wish she did not have to go through this.
She’s not a victim, women aren’t victims like they used to be. We have equal rights now, she could leave. She’s choosing to stay with a useless man.
Im sorry to caller 1, you deserve so much more ❤ sounds like my parents relationship growing up, was not a healthy dynamic
Man. Called #1 I loved how honest and in your face you were. “Live in reality” “ you are taking the scraps and being happy with that” she needed that 100%! This lady has nothing to stay for with this guys, he is a lump on a log! She promised forever to the guy he used to be. He is not that guy anymore and you don’t owe him anything. Idk how ppl choose to live like she is!
I begged my husband for a list. He never gave it to me. Turns out I was the one who was wanting to work on the marriage, and he was not. Overtime I have picked up on some of the things that would’ve been on the list, and some of them are things that I have already changed. But apparently who I was is still too real to him, and he can’t get over it.
For the story from the mom trying to support her son having a baby I would strongly advise you to recommend your son's girlfriend look into Medicaid and WIC. I just had a baby and Medicaid paid for a lot of my medical costs and WIC helped us with food and formula so much. Plus WIC has lactation counselors and other services that can help you tremendously. I would also recommend seeking out a pregnancy resource center in your area. They usually have awesome classes and they can give you things to help with the baby. Congrats on your new grandbaby!
Caller 1. You couldn’t possibly be any more lonely if he wasn’t there. That’s a sad state of affairs. Start new without him.
This was me only mine never cheated . But I paid all and I did all for years . He regressed and became a baby , wanting mum to look after him . Run is my advice .
For the first caller. I know its hard but leave this man. It is not your job to parent a grown man who obviously doesn't respect you.
This is so me! I work 24/7 just to feel ok. It’s very tiring. I even have slept in my car just to work and get to the next job. I know it’s insanity and there’s no peace. But scared my life will lead me homeless. Thank you for this podcast that I know I’m not alone.
Great answer on the pregnant college students. “Now it’s time to live in the reality…”
I resonate completely with Lacey. Hopefully she moves on. Mine after 30 years told me he wont change. Called himself a parasite. He blamed me for his affair, with no accountability. no responsibility. He wanted to be taken care of and towards the end of the marriage he started calling me mom. They get worse, not better. I too were stubborn and wanted to “fix” the relationship. Leaving was the only solution. It’s not easy…. it’s fighting yourself every step of the way. Space will give her perspective and motivation to fight for her life. She is not a failure. My heart ached when she said that. He failed her. Good luck Lacey.
I feel like the title for this episode doesn’t do her situation justice. If she wasn’t putting up with enough already, now she finds out he’s cheated on her multiple times!?!
Kelly is so wise. I love her input❤.
Caller number 1 - I am so sorry.
You and I have lived the same life. Sending Love
I cannot believe how the first caller is not seeing the misery of her situation. People with high ACE score can hurt their close ones so much. Get the help of your community, friend, family. You need to take time off. You have not done anything wrong. You need to feel and grieve all the pain he caused you. You need to pore that love on yourself and your kids. You need to breathe. He needs to move away. And see how his actions are terrible.
“..Checking the weather of the living room..”
🎯🎯
Wow. Sounds like she wants this marriage not him
Natalie, very good advice to not commit till you have thought about it. 24 hours is doable and reasonable. You are allowed to say “no, I can’t …”. Also none of that mother guilt it’s detrimental and produces no positive outcomes. Do not explain yourself that will get easier the more you practice not committing to all things and people. Do your life on your terms - that super mom nonsense is just that. Having down time and or being alone with nothing planned will be hard at first but it can do done. Remember you NEED it to achieve inner peace. It’s a healthy way to live a better life. Be kind and patient with yourself. All the very best for you.
I think it was the third call that has the son who is in College and will be Dad. Congratulations Mom I being positive. That is so hard to do and hopefully you can help them make good decisions that they will not later regret.
Second caller, I completely relate i can never slow down
Future Grandma- if you can, give those college kids a year or 2 years worth of daycare, while they work or finish college classes.
those waves of him coming in and out is his outside relationships working and not working.
I cannot relate to not working nor the cheating (at this point in my life), but I do feel the part about everything being very difficult, like I struggle way more than what reality would dictate. I feel guilt that I’m not doing more with the kids and chores etc. I pull myself across the finish line each day but I didn’t do half of what she did.
I do not understand why the second caller is giggling so much. It’s sad (for me), to hear how disconnected she is to her emotions/situation … probably has been in “just function” mode since years. Or, the situation is not as bad as she perceives.
Nervous laughter and giggles can be a anxiety response for some. She's so overwhelmed, that the giggles are a way to release some of the nerves and anxiety.
@@vg5280 True! Thank you.
first caller: He is receiving in a way that only children should receive from their parents in the natural order of things. Or elderly helpless parents being taken care of. Or people that are unfortunate and have debilitating disease or disabilities. Not matching her input, will likely feel to him feeling some shame and plenty of resentment. Especially since he has no real justification to at least give it an effort. She too highlights his psychological issues so she does not have to feel so bad about herself (what kind of woman am I to put up with this).
Woman that take care of a helpless man expect him to be at least thankful (not screwing up the unpaid servant / ATM situation. But no - one can expect that man to cheat on her on top of it.
He punishes her for being stronger than him (that mechanism is counterintuitive at first sight - but it is very common. Show me an man that get's dragged along by his woman in this manner - and he will look for an occasion to "get even".
Being on the receiving end of big favors takes a LOT of character.
I think this negative effect is even stronger if a man owes his wife so much. Society expects a man to be as strong as she if not stronger. He has internalized that standard - at least subconsciously. It would take a lot of effort to become her equal. So he balances out things by cheating on her. Duper's delight, he is to one on top (for once), he get's the better of her.
OMG, that hit me hard. ""The safest place that they will know in their life is Mama's house." I wish I had that. That sounds so nice. A lot harder to do than say. That's such a nice concept. This sooths my soul. This is what I want for me, for my loved ones.
I don't know what my ACE score is, but I am sure it is close to his. DBT has been amazing in allowing me to move beyond the trauma. To come to a place where life can be a safe place. I have spent years going to therapy and working to get to this place, and have stayed out of relationships till I know that I can be safe and trust even myself.
50% of pregnancies are not planned.
His girlfriend will drop out of school and have to continue later. Him on the other hand, can finish still and help out on the side.
First caller, as my mom eould say, Theres not much to him. Or, girl, you have more on the ball than he does.
Anna, you will be (or are) a wonderful grandmother.
Husband #1 was this except he actually held a good job. Everything else was the same as this caller’s situation. Dr. John, telling this caller to threaten her husband with abandonment if he cheats again really just ensures that he won’t tell her about future escapades. The only real choices here are 1) resign oneself to stay in the relationship knowing that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, or 2) walk or run and don’t look back. There’s no fixing a man like this or healing the relationship.
I agree.
Eventually, that 1st caller will get fed up and kick him to the curb. I would have when he confessed to adultery.
I am going through a rough patch in my marriage right now. My wife has a lot of resentment towards me for stuff from years past. She holds resentment because I worked so much. I thought I was doing the right thing so she could stay home with the kids. She has been very bitter and nasty towards me. I run a successful business and she has always been provided for as far as not having to go to work. She has a part time job now and we bought a different house to get away from her dad. She has a lot of trauma from childhood that she won’t get therapy for. I gave so up many of my things to make her happy and it is just getting worse. She is pushing away her family and our friends. I am at a crossroads as to what to do.
Ask her to accompany you to ‘your’ therapy session
I have this friend… owns his own business. Nice house property. A huge shop! Into woodworking. But he likes to game.. he sets time aside for that. It doesn’t interrupt his family life.
He’s an adult that happens to like fishing, woodworking, and first person shooter games… and he plays them along side his older teen /young adult children … oh and he loves his wife more than video games…
There can be a balance…. And it looks more like maturity if you get into adult hobbies l like woodworking or whatever..