The conversation I had with Dr. Becky @goodinside today was incredibly eye opening 👀. If you gained some valuable insights today like I did, then I’d be so grateful if you’d drop a like and subscribe to hear from some more incredible guests in the future.
I just couldn't stop pausing and writing stuff down. I'm on my third listen and I'm still blown away. There are some huge revelations here. It's heavy but also uplifting.
So if your a baby, when you cry and when a caregiver fails to provide appropriate support, you then carry that bodily sensation into adulthood? Like you struggle to cope with anger/frustration/sad emotions in adulthood?
Wow, Mel. This is huge. As a young father this is so important to be cognitive of. Thank you. I will continue working on myself so that I don't blah all over children. Thank you so much for your dedication to us.
Oh my god! People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, questioning yourself, inability to take risks, fear of being seen! Whenever you were in most contact with your desires it endangered your relationships! mind! Blown!
This made me think of so much.. My whole childhood my parents would scream at me like drill sergeants over my childhood frustrations there was so much screaming and fighting over super small things and it was always so scary for me. I still feel what I physically felt as a child because it never went away. And this made me think both my grandfathers where super abusive towards my parents. Screaming fighting and yelling verbal abuse and physical abuse. I had an undiagnosed panic attack disorder and GAD I stated struggling at 7 with it and my parents didn't know how to handle it at all. they would always tell me I don't know what to do with you and yell at me. I'm 29 and still no where in life because I have a crippling social disorder that I cant get a grip on. I'm in therapy for the past 3 years finally diagnosed and I realized so much but I don't know how to push myself because as a child I would hide and want to be alone and I'm still that 7 year old. and even with the acknowledgement idk how to change its like I have the open door with no room. And I still have resentment towards my parents but I could see how they where raised was definitely projected it on me but they themselves were victims.
I’m 37, I’ve been in therapy since I was 20, I’m just now starting to take care of myself because I’m worth the work, getting to the door is a great step but walking through isn’t easy, don’t get frustrated and just try little steps, you’re going to stumble, you’re supposed to stumble, just keep working towards going through that door YOU CAN DO IT AND ARE WPRTH IT
Hi....remember you are stronger than you think. Talk to your therapist about "healing the little". And also look into EMDR therapy. It can help you refile trauma. It took you time to be where you are. It will take time to push through. But you will. Make sure you engage in self care every day. Good food, sleep, nice music, light a candle & take a nice bath, take a walk and get sunshine on your face, watch videos that make you laugh, have coffee with a friend, maybe go to church?, pray?,....take time for you. Be blessed..you are worth it!!!
I love this topic; the subconscious mind creates who we are! That includes the good parts and the blocks and limitations you have that stop you from experiencing more in life right now. For example, let's say you touch your hand on a burning hot stove when you are a kid. You don't have to think about not doing the same later on; you automatically avoid it cause your brain saved that painful feeling with the experience of what happened down in your subconscious mind *so you never do it again.* Let's say you have a mother that reacts strongly to you when you cry when you are younger, perhaps yelling at you. Then you might stop yourself from crying in the future, and you might stop speaking up. *Why?* Cause you don't want to experience the traumatic emotion of feeling abandoned or not loved by your mother ever again, so you tweak your personality and start acting in new ways. This could be why you people please later in life, why you let people walk over you, to name a few. As kids, just as Becky said, we need love and acceptance from our parents to feel safe and be okay. And we'll do *anything* to get it. Including burying parts of who we really are and taking on new negative aspects. Aspects that we have come to believe we need to have to be accepted in life, which screws us over cause we keep acting in the same way later on in life. Still stuck in our unconscious survival mechanism to escape pain.
So well explained and it's exactly where I'm at and I'm the one that wasn't allowed to cry as a child I quit crying at 15 never cried again until I was 21 because I thought that I had to hold on to the pain to survive to be stronger as a person to handle situations that were catastrophic in my life at the time and you wouldn't believe how messed up as an adult I am
I can’t thank you enough for bringing this guest to the podcast. I have learned it’s okay TO WANT something! Unbelievable. And how much strings are attached to my childhood and my parents’ divorce. I just recently discovered your channel and can’t get enough of it!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤ 5,4,3,2,1 - mirror high 5! 😂
Nobody is ever motivated by shame and guilt… wish someone had told my parents that when I was growing up… I need to remember this, because I definitely know how true it is from personal experience, especially when responding to other peoples unwanted behaviors…
I'm so sorry that your parents are so misguided. Do your healing work. My late dad was mi!itary n misguide. I've been on the healing path since my late teens. I just turned 65. It's do able, it takes time n patience. ❤
My grandmother TOLD my mom to discipline using guilt and shame. She didn’t know any better, so she did! I developed codependency (for more reasons than just that). Still trying to overcome it and I’m 65
Me thinking I grew up with great parenting and then realizing they only used guilt and shame. Then spanked me when I had my own opinion. No wonder I'm feeling like such a horrible mom, and I'm triggered by my kid. I'm trying to help them with something I've never been taught myself.
Yes, I’ve done that, doing what other people want me to do instead of what I want to do, I’m breaking that cycle as we speak, my mom thinks she knows what I need to do with my life when in fact it’s the opposite of what I need to do with my life and what’s best for me ❤✝️🦋 I’m starting over at 53 just left Upstate from a domestic violent engagement And came back home to Long Island 🏝️ Gods got me ✝️
I learned very valuable words: don’t yell, blame or isolate yourself. Shame stops us from the track that got us up to a point that is frozenness. It’s interesting that compassion and momentum is the key to life. Assuming positive intent about life and myself keeps me on the path and separate myself from a situation.
Hey Mell, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do and mean to us all. I’m on a journey to get tested for adhd and all the videos you do have helped me build the courage to do it. Im a far way away from understanding my childhood trauma and yet again you gave me this wonderful video. I have been following Dr. Becky for a while now and this conversation has opened my eyes even more. God bless you ❤
38:24 WOW!! I definitely see how I’ve brought my “childhood adapting behaviors” into adulthood… not good🙁. But now I’ll be mindful of it . Thank you both!!
I actually ended my relationship because we triggered each other vulnerabilities. I tried to communicate that, but each time I did a series of behaviors occurred, like defensiveness, blaming, stone walling, gaslighting, exhausting. I owned my triggers and explained them, but if the other person is empty, forget it. Ring around the Rossary... oh, thanks a million for helping us, you are dynamite!! I do think we must own our behaviors, I never expected a man to pay, which might be a mistake too.
Yes, this IS required listening! I’m spouse , a mom of a young adult, and an early childhood educator -These are concepts I’m learning about in a parenting training course I’m taking called Hand in Hand. I’m unpacking my own childhood triggers that are being brought to the surface. With this acknowledgement we must also remember that parents and children are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. There is always more to learn, realize, and forgive about our own childhood and our own parenting- I’m so relieved that it’s never too late to rewire our emotional selves. Peace and love
This is so good. I can see how it’s hard for me to ask for what I desire. I was told by my father that I was old enough that my wants won’t hurt me. I also see my ex’s abandonment keeps resurfacing with our child and making her choose one parent over the other, instead of allowing her to have both.
Wow I’ve been reading a lot of books about our childhood triggers and how they play out in us but never how we relate with our kids this is the best information I’ve ever heard thank you for sharing this information I will be getting the book and passing on this information
I did not see a place to look into Dr Becky. I appreciate the insight of many of your podcasts, but I would like to dive more into what Dr Becky was saying. Thank you for all you do, and how open, honest and to the point you are.
The Body Keeps Score comes to mind, but the fact she mentioned about not sharing what that fear is as adults, hit hard. I've been keeping everything bottled up since I remember, and I remember back to when I was 2. I even asked my mother why she neglected me, when I was 36. Her answer was " I thought you could take care of yourself." To which I told her " I was five, I shouldn't have had to." I didn't know what narcissism was until recently, so I've had to deal with emotions I didn't understand. Thanks, Mel.
Awesome episode! I've been listening to the audio book by Gabor Maté "the myth of normal" and it resonates so much with the statement "our triggers are stories from your past..." also about the fact that some behaviours were adaptive in our childhood but are causing problems in our adult life. I'm working on becoming a happier and assertive person and mom. Thank you Mel for your incredible work and support!
During my childhood I experienced abuse in my family of origin. They don’t grasp that. Then during the start of my schooling years. This never ceased! I’ve lost out on so much re: healthy relationship connections. An education that I really needed but couldn’t get cause of my ADHD & Learning differences that were never understood or believed in, thus couldn’t be properly educated in the way I needed. Then friendships were really difficult to make & keep for a long time & truly included in. As a child was always told (on my crescent where I lived) my last name was used & then heard go home-we don’t wanna play with you!) That happened too much times to count! Then any boyfriends were from really dysfunctional families themselves! Oh, wonderful! I’ve never had a “truly healthy relationship with any males period. I experience my own brother 6 yrs & 6 days older than me still treating me with a degree of disrespect, demeaning, devaluating, etc. I really wonder if he’s even really aware how he’s affecting me on whatever level. Been told by a woman in church that’s she’s observed me quietly & seeing very similar behaviour patterns in me as she’s seeing in many of her clients! She’s stated that she’s observed emotional dysregulation. I can’t control my emotions. Am very very sensitive & can & do cry 😭 at the drop of a hat! It’s a very real thing/issue. Not something made up!!! My parents were not meant to be married to each other. Their marriage was very unhealthy in a majority of ways! I’m the 5th sibling & have wished that I hadn’t been born! I’m now in my early 60s! Still suffering to this day. 2023!!! Really?! Hoping desperately for correct & precisely needed counselling by a counsellor who sincerely grasps/understands exactly what & how I’ve been feeling & experienced/experiencing to this day?! I’m truly so incredibly tired of this. Thus so much crying 😭! Can’t seem to win in being clearly understood & have my feelings & experiences validated & get the tools 🛠 to fix all this. Otherwise I’m ready to GIVE UP!!! Really find Mel Robbins videos interesting! Thanks Mel!
I really enjoyed this podcast episode. Lots of learnings here for parenting and also for parents and non-parents to apply to their life. I had heard of Dr. Becky's podcast from our kids' pediatrician and child psychologist but I didn't pay much attention. After listening to this episode I'm listening to the audiobook "Good Inside" and it's profound. I love the approach based on the Good Inside philosophy and principles rather than timeouts, sticker charts, rewards and punishments. Looking forward to listening to the rest of the book and I'm already trying to apply principles such as "Two things are true" in parenting and to other areas.
Eye-opening! Thank you for this great discussion. Mel, I wish you didn’t interrupt your guests at the most crucial part of their remarks… it’s frustrating when you interrupt them in the middle of what they are saying (not at the natural interlocutor turn-taking pauses) and then start narrating a whole personal story about yourself…Other than that, you host brilliant speakers and share very valuable content. Thank you.
It can be challenging for an individual to revisit experiences from their childhood, and in starting to challenge them may feel like a personal attack on what was learned then as well. Learning to rewire the brain is a long process, but is also necessary for a healing process to take place.
I remember reality at 3 and 4 years old, but not a lot of the surrounding emotional stuff that came with it, memory of feelings are from 5 and up. My body has older memories from a lot of things that I know in my core actually happened to me. the stories compounded over time and it has for sure affected my life up to 66 years. LOL. I get a gut punch when others start projecting on to me stuff that is not even mine. Yep you can vomit it all up on your kids. Even when you know what is going on, it is like a disembodied energy that you can watch go loony. I have done the repair part for a long time now but I have to work on the core reasons for me to be in this pattern. I was heavily wounded by my mother who shamed and poured her self hatred onto me, I was the truth teller and scapegoat for the family crap. It has been compounded by my siblings doing the same crap to me and project all the crap as being my fault for not changing to make them feel good when it is their work to do as well. I have had to distance myself from my family to start working on the deep seated shaming that I was taught. I know some of it but you gave me new ways to work on it. Lots of crap has come up in the last 12 years and it has 180 degree affect on my life but still lots to repair. thanks for the new tool.
My problem is not in the morning. It is at night. As soon as the evening starts my anxiety and PTSD. I do the high 5 morning and night. Thank you Mel. I love you and I believe in you ♥️
So much more helpful and real than the ridiculous "medium" stuff! Thank you for getting back to reality with this episode. I was really starting to worry about the direction this podcast was going. It was starting to feel very Sylvia Brown. I don't always agree with everything you post, and I appreciate that because it's healthy to entertain outside perspectives; but I definitely worry when I see delusional "psychics" or "mediums" or whatever nonsense that was.
Assume good intent…. Everyone is capable of changing….. That is refreshing and hopeful to hear, because so much of the videos and podcasts I consume online that talk about narcissism and stuff like that, they make it sound like certain people are just kind of evil and they will never change. And since I have a lot of narcissistic people in my life, that’s a really depressing concept to try to come to terms with… When you say everyone, do you mean EVERYONE? Even sociopaths??
Mel, I have “discovered” you a week or so and so pissed that I missed you show! Mel, you rock! Glad you have podcast so I can learn anytime!😊 I am very aesthetic so don’t take this the wrong way. It looks like your in a soundproof room, but you are so light like spring, but the room needs more light colors to reflect you!😊
❤️Thanks! This is a great conversation. 🔑 Key Words: Self-abandonment. I really appreciated Mel for bringing up the topic of self-abandonment when it comes to the challenge of keeping promises or commitments to your self @47:07. I feel grateful for how Dr. Kennedy's demonstration of what a loving inner dialogue or inner self talk looks and sounds like with or without a dash of humor.
This was amazing. Thanks! I wish there was a part 2. It would be great to hear more about speaking up and how it can be done in different scenarios. This is a big struggle for me.
This triggered a family story of my dad getting frustrated with me as a baby. I was told I wouldn't stop crying so he took me to the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub ad stuck my baby self under the faucet !
I'm back. My first comment I mentioned have-nots. I know them.I was homeless and now live on ssi. I'm going to check your website. I heard that you have a therapy. I also heard it involves money. The federal government has ruled no more than $1000 a month. No one on SSI has what's needed. I know how handle my money. I learned I don't need many physical possessions. I've gotten rid of stuff 3x in the past 2 years. More will go. I'm ordering my life I'm healing myself however; have-nots watch and they find hope and then the price tag of help they believe it's out of their reach. They fall into despair again. These are the people I want to help.
Thank you for this much-needed phrase about a parent's role--"My Sturdy Leader." @32:04 It's hard for children to understand that parents are learning as they're doing. Sometimes they don't make great choices in word or deed.
Spectacular opportunityfor personal INSIGHTS!! 💥EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS!!💥 Mel, your facial expressions are priceless! Your authentic self is reacting to this topic~it's a total GIFT to watch you learn & process this info. (I had the same question about having the SAME BODY as born with) As ALWAYS THANK YOU!! 📢 Tech consideration: This taped very softly. I turned up the volume & almost lost my hearing when the ad came on🙄😉
This was so incredibly enlightening and I will definitely listen to this again and again and make sure I capture every part of it. Thank you so much for posting!
I watch a lot of inner healing videos because I am taking a course and do look for resources outside of my coursework. I think we as adults need to be emotionally healthy in order to rear children that will be emotionally healthy otherwise we pass along dysfunction to our children. For me the method I use when I am triggered is to ask myself why I am upset. Your true self (inner child) will tell you the truth. There is the inner child and the adolescent and we learn to develop the inner adult.
So I need to develop the part of me that stands really firmly in my own interpretation of events. It causes mayhem in your family but maybe it makes you feel more 'defended' for the next time
If you love Mel, consider sending her a Super Thanks, right inside the app. Listening to her is better for my mind, body & soul than a cup of expensive ☕️ so I try to send a Super Thanks as a tip of gratitude. Love ya, Mel!
Oh this is going to be put into a bookmark so I do NOT lose it and I can reference it later so I can go back over and over and process so much. Thank you BOTH 💖💖
Mel no wonder you’re number one I’ve loved you from a far for many many years and you make me think and use my processing skills I enjoy and relate to your podcasts and just about everything you do thank you
When I ever got triggered as a parent, before saying something I would regret, I would put everyone involved in "Mommy Timeout". That meant we each went to our bedrooms for a short amount of time to reflect on how we feel. I would then go to them, have a conversation about the situation, then hug them telling them that I love them. I tried to never shut down my children. I always made time to allow them to look at everything in any and all types of stores, never rushing them, after a bit they would be ready to go. If they knew they had time to look a talk about different ones they would eventually be satisfied. I never had a bad experience with my children ever, often they were praised by shoppers, some clerks always remember them, for their good behavior. I always told my children they were angles sent from Heaven and we should behave as such. They are adults now who recognize their own triggers and can regulate themselves very well being open and honest about their own needs when it comes to issues causing dysregulation. Being self aware was of the utmost importance to me as a parent.
We can't blame our parents for or how we was raised We have to understand like this lady said in the beginning we repeat the pattern from generation to the next in some sort of way, we can change that by renewing our minds or actions catching ourselves our reactions to situations it's horrible that we don't see this child hood parenting trauma experiences until most of the time when we have our own children anything between that we thinking it's us we operating off of the auto pilot from that still childhood up bringing in some way or another. It's alot to unpack here I agreed with some stuff and understood some.
We spend our adult lives getting over our childhood don’t we? My childhood traumas could fill a book. I have very vivid memories of it but I never realized the depth of it until I was years into recovery from alcohol addiction and doing my second 4th step.
My first memory is waking at night with something poking in my back (it was a muscle twitch) I turn to see what it was and nothing was there. I looked through bars (cot bars) and saw two lumps in the bed, of course I didn't know it was mum and dad, I was too young but it was the fear I felt that helped me remember it. My father was a cruel man.
Omggg wow wow wow. So good!!!!! Dr. Becky is the first doctor I’ve listened to who actually connects and empathizes so clearly with both parent and child perspectives. Just phenomenal.
I am so Grateful for this Podcast conversation!!! It was Amazingly helpful I am learning how all the Trauma from childhood to ex husband and the ending of a harmful relationship and that trauma. Thank you Both sooooooo much 🙏🏻
Thank you ❣️ Now i know i am not crazy for talking to myself and also how i came to be me. I knew but jet again didn’t … Never realized that the triggers ARE telling ME MY complete story, the parts i did not know. Now i can let others of the hook 😂In other words stop blaming them for my nasty emotions. Working very hard on the 2023 version of myself 😅😁
I just realized that my soon-to-be ex-husband... Shames me by bringing up the past to try to make me feel guilty for things I've already asked for forgiveness for years and years ago. The difference between a few years back when I still froze up and beat myself up and now is our recognize it when it happens when he really berates me. Also I think he recognizes that I'm not bothered by it as much and I won't let him continue to be do his mental psychology to me. Yes he can still get to me However now I'm recognizing more and more when he does it. As though I'm a third person in the conversation looking at what he's doing to me and what I'm doing in response.
Stop interacting with him at all! Put him out of your life. You may feel dependent, and that will stop when you start gathering people who appreciate you.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mel Robbins your topics always hit home! Wow! I’m speechless! I’ve learned so much from you! I can’t wait to meet you in person someday so I can give you a hug!💕💕💕🙃
I love the get curious tip… I could relate to all the situations and feelings mentioned in this episode but I have no idea how to access that in myself in the moment. So I love Dr Becky’s tip to get curious 🤔🤯 Thank you Mel!
The conversation I had with Dr. Becky @goodinside today was incredibly eye opening 👀. If you gained some valuable insights today like I did, then I’d be so grateful if you’d drop a like and subscribe to hear from some more incredible guests in the future.
More episodes on parenting, and how different ways of parenting affects children!
I just couldn't stop pausing and writing stuff down. I'm on my third listen and I'm still blown away. There are some huge revelations here. It's heavy but also uplifting.
ME TOOOOO!!!!
Amazing info!
Could you share what you wrote down, if you don't mind?
Would love to see your notes/takeaways.
She us a gid send and hell o smart
When you're a baby you don't remember the words or the actions but you remember the way you were made to feel.
So if your a baby, when you cry and when a caregiver fails to provide appropriate support, you then carry that bodily sensation into adulthood? Like you struggle to cope with anger/frustration/sad emotions in adulthood?
I want more episodes like this! How internal/external factors affect human behaviour and mental health!
I think healing comes by doing what makes your heart sing. I live by it now.
Wow, Mel. This is huge. As a young father this is so important to be cognitive of. Thank you. I will continue working on myself so that I don't blah all over children. Thank you so much for your dedication to us.
"Find the good inside of you and create a better life"... Thank you Mel
Oh my god! People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, questioning yourself, inability to take risks, fear of being seen! Whenever you were in most contact with your desires it endangered your relationships! mind! Blown!
This made me think of so much.. My whole childhood my parents would scream at me like drill sergeants over my childhood frustrations there was so much screaming and fighting over super small things and it was always so scary for me. I still feel what I physically felt as a child because it never went away. And this made me think both my grandfathers where super abusive towards my parents. Screaming fighting and yelling verbal abuse and physical abuse. I had an undiagnosed panic attack disorder and GAD I stated struggling at 7 with it and my parents didn't know how to handle it at all. they would always tell me I don't know what to do with you and yell at me. I'm 29 and still no where in life because I have a crippling social disorder that I cant get a grip on. I'm in therapy for the past 3 years finally diagnosed and I realized so much but I don't know how to push myself because as a child I would hide and want to be alone and I'm still that 7 year old. and even with the acknowledgement idk how to change its like I have the open door with no room. And I still have resentment towards my parents but I could see how they where raised was definitely projected it on me but they themselves were victims.
I’m 37, I’ve been in therapy since I was 20, I’m just now starting to take care of myself because I’m worth the work, getting to the door is a great step but walking through isn’t easy, don’t get frustrated and just try little steps, you’re going to stumble, you’re supposed to stumble, just keep working towards going through that door
YOU CAN DO IT AND ARE WPRTH IT
And that (parents are people too) shows your evolution as a human. This will keep all baggage light.
Hi....remember you are stronger than you think. Talk to your therapist about "healing the little". And also look into EMDR therapy. It can help you refile trauma. It took you time to be where you are. It will take time to push through. But you will. Make sure you engage in self care every day. Good food, sleep, nice music, light a candle & take a nice bath, take a walk and get sunshine on your face, watch videos that make you laugh, have coffee with a friend, maybe go to church?, pray?,....take time for you. Be blessed..you are worth it!!!
I love this topic; the subconscious mind creates who we are! That includes the good parts and the blocks and limitations you have that stop you from experiencing more in life right now. For example, let's say you touch your hand on a burning hot stove when you are a kid. You don't have to think about not doing the same later on; you automatically avoid it cause your brain saved that painful feeling with the experience of what happened down in your subconscious mind *so you never do it again.* Let's say you have a mother that reacts strongly to you when you cry when you are younger, perhaps yelling at you. Then you might stop yourself from crying in the future, and you might stop speaking up. *Why?* Cause you don't want to experience the traumatic emotion of feeling abandoned or not loved by your mother ever again, so you tweak your personality and start acting in new ways. This could be why you people please later in life, why you let people walk over you, to name a few. As kids, just as Becky said, we need love and acceptance from our parents to feel safe and be okay. And we'll do *anything* to get it. Including burying parts of who we really are and taking on new negative aspects. Aspects that we have come to believe we need to have to be accepted in life, which screws us over cause we keep acting in the same way later on in life. Still stuck in our unconscious survival mechanism to escape pain.
So well explained and it's exactly where I'm at and I'm the one that wasn't allowed to cry as a child I quit crying at 15 never cried again until I was 21 because I thought that I had to hold on to the pain to survive to be stronger as a person to handle situations that were catastrophic in my life at the time and you wouldn't believe how messed up as an adult I am
God I don't. Want to loose what your commitment is here it's me all of it it makes sense concerning my childhood trumas I had
Thank you for this conversation, this is helping me forgive my parents and myself
I can’t thank you enough for bringing this guest to the podcast.
I have learned it’s okay TO WANT something! Unbelievable. And how much strings are attached to my childhood and my parents’ divorce.
I just recently discovered your channel and can’t get enough of it!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤ 5,4,3,2,1 - mirror high 5! 😂
Nobody is ever motivated by shame and guilt… wish someone had told my parents that when I was growing up…
I need to remember this, because I definitely know how true it is from personal experience, especially when responding to other peoples unwanted behaviors…
Hurt people, hurt other people.
I'm so sorry that your parents are so misguided. Do your healing work. My late dad was mi!itary n misguide. I've been on the healing path since my late teens. I just turned 65. It's do able, it takes time n patience. ❤
My grandmother TOLD my mom to discipline using guilt and shame. She didn’t know any better, so she did! I developed codependency (for more reasons than just that). Still trying to overcome it and I’m 65
I feel seen
Me thinking I grew up with great parenting and then realizing they only used guilt and shame. Then spanked me when I had my own opinion.
No wonder I'm feeling like such a horrible mom, and I'm triggered by my kid. I'm trying to help them with something I've never been taught myself.
Yes, I’ve done that, doing what other people want me to do instead of what I want to do, I’m breaking that cycle as we speak, my mom thinks she knows what I need to do with my life when in fact it’s the opposite of what I need to do with my life and what’s best for me ❤✝️🦋
I’m starting over at 53 just left Upstate from a domestic violent engagement
And came back home to Long Island 🏝️
Gods got me ✝️
I learned very valuable words: don’t yell, blame or isolate yourself. Shame stops us from the track that got us up to a point that is frozenness. It’s interesting that compassion and momentum is the key to life. Assuming positive intent about life and myself keeps me on the path and separate myself from a situation.
Yes, Dr Becky. Thank you for being my voice. Our triggers are indeed stories, yes, STORIES from our past. Yes, PAST. Not right now. Not right here.
Hey Mell, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you do and mean to us all. I’m on a journey to get tested for adhd and all the videos you do have helped me build the courage to do it. Im a far way away from understanding my childhood trauma and yet again you gave me this wonderful video. I have been following Dr. Becky for a while now and this conversation has opened my eyes even more. God bless you ❤
38:24 WOW!! I definitely see how I’ve brought my “childhood adapting behaviors” into adulthood… not good🙁. But now I’ll be mindful of it . Thank you both!!
I actually ended my relationship because we triggered each other vulnerabilities. I tried to communicate that, but each time I did a series of behaviors occurred, like defensiveness, blaming, stone walling, gaslighting, exhausting. I owned my triggers and explained them, but if the other person is empty, forget it. Ring around the Rossary... oh, thanks a million for helping us, you are dynamite!! I do think we must own our behaviors, I never expected a man to pay, which might be a mistake too.
Yes, this IS required listening! I’m spouse , a mom of a young adult, and an early childhood educator -These are concepts I’m learning about in a parenting training course I’m taking called Hand in Hand. I’m unpacking my own childhood triggers that are being brought to the surface. With this acknowledgement we must also remember that parents and children are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. There is always more to learn, realize, and forgive about our own childhood and our own parenting- I’m so relieved that it’s never too late to rewire our emotional selves. Peace and love
This is just explosively good. Thank you Dr. Becky and Mel...this work has been transformative to my life.
This is so good. I can see how it’s hard for me to ask for what I desire. I was told by my father that I was old enough that my wants won’t hurt me.
I also see my ex’s abandonment keeps resurfacing with our child and making her choose one parent over the other, instead of allowing her to have both.
Great episode - I was struggling with Childhood triggers and it was impacting my job this week and my growth potential. Thank you!
Wow!!! I’m crying good, happy, tears of relief. Thank you for letting me know I’m not a monster. Thank you both❤
Wow I’ve been reading a lot of books about our childhood triggers and how they play out in us but never how we relate with our kids this is the best information I’ve ever heard thank you for sharing this information I will be getting the book and passing on this information
I did not see a place to look into Dr Becky. I appreciate the insight of many of your podcasts, but I would like to dive more into what Dr Becky was saying. Thank you for all you do, and how open, honest and to the point you are.
Great topic. Anyone else having issues with the audio? Very difficult to hear
The Body Keeps Score comes to mind, but the fact she mentioned about not sharing what that fear is as adults, hit hard. I've been keeping everything bottled up since I remember, and I remember back to when I was 2. I even asked my mother why she neglected me, when I was 36. Her answer was " I thought you could take care of yourself." To which I told her " I was five, I shouldn't have had to." I didn't know what narcissism was until recently, so I've had to deal with emotions I didn't understand. Thanks, Mel.
Awesome episode! I've been listening to the audio book by Gabor Maté "the myth of normal" and it resonates so much with the statement "our triggers are stories from your past..." also about the fact that some behaviours were adaptive in our childhood but are causing problems in our adult life.
I'm working on becoming a happier and assertive person and mom. Thank you Mel for your incredible work and support!
During my childhood I experienced abuse in my family of origin. They don’t grasp that. Then during the start of my schooling years. This never ceased! I’ve lost out on so much re: healthy relationship connections. An education that I really needed but couldn’t get cause of my ADHD & Learning differences that were never understood or believed in, thus couldn’t be properly educated in the way I needed. Then friendships were really difficult to make & keep for a long time & truly included in. As a child was always told (on my crescent where I lived) my last name was used & then heard go home-we don’t wanna play with you!) That happened too much times to count! Then any boyfriends were from really dysfunctional families themselves! Oh, wonderful! I’ve never had a “truly healthy relationship with any males period. I experience my own brother 6 yrs & 6 days older than me still treating me with a degree of disrespect, demeaning, devaluating, etc. I really wonder if he’s even really aware how he’s affecting me on whatever level. Been told by a woman in church that’s she’s observed me quietly & seeing very similar behaviour patterns in me as she’s seeing in many of her clients! She’s stated that she’s observed emotional dysregulation. I can’t control my emotions. Am very very sensitive & can & do cry 😭 at the drop of a hat! It’s a very real thing/issue. Not something made up!!! My parents were not meant to be married to each other. Their marriage was very unhealthy in a majority of ways! I’m the 5th sibling & have wished that I hadn’t been born! I’m now in my early 60s! Still suffering to this day. 2023!!! Really?! Hoping desperately for correct & precisely needed counselling by a counsellor who sincerely grasps/understands exactly what & how I’ve been feeling & experienced/experiencing to this day?! I’m truly so incredibly tired of this. Thus so much crying 😭! Can’t seem to win in being clearly understood & have my feelings & experiences validated & get the tools 🛠 to fix all this. Otherwise I’m ready to GIVE UP!!! Really find Mel Robbins videos interesting! Thanks Mel!
I appreciate the flow of the conversation
Mel u r truly saving the world since everyone needs to hear and can relate. Hugs xoxo
Fabulous just doing a book study on IFS love these teachers ❤❤❤❤❤
I’m blown away too!!! Super great information!!! 😮 thank you so much!!!
I really enjoyed this podcast episode. Lots of learnings here for parenting and also for parents and non-parents to apply to their life. I had heard of Dr. Becky's podcast from our kids' pediatrician and child psychologist but I didn't pay much attention. After listening to this episode I'm listening to the audiobook "Good Inside" and it's profound. I love the approach based on the Good Inside philosophy and principles rather than timeouts, sticker charts, rewards and punishments. Looking forward to listening to the rest of the book and I'm already trying to apply principles such as "Two things are true" in parenting and to other areas.
Eye-opening! Thank you for this great discussion. Mel, I wish you didn’t interrupt your guests at the most crucial part of their remarks… it’s frustrating when you interrupt them in the middle of what they are saying (not at the natural interlocutor turn-taking pauses) and then start narrating a whole personal story about yourself…Other than that, you host brilliant speakers and share very valuable content. Thank you.
It can be challenging for an individual to revisit experiences from their childhood, and in starting to challenge them may feel like a personal attack on what was learned then as well. Learning to rewire the brain is a long process, but is also necessary for a healing process to take place.
I remember reality at 3 and 4 years old, but not a lot of the surrounding emotional stuff that came with it, memory of feelings are from 5 and up. My body has older memories from a lot of things that I know in my core actually happened to me.
the stories compounded over time and it has for sure affected my life up to 66 years. LOL. I get a gut punch when others start projecting on to me stuff that is not even mine.
Yep you can vomit it all up on your kids. Even when you know what is going on, it is like a disembodied energy that you can watch go loony.
I have done the repair part for a long time now but I have to work on the core reasons for me to be in this pattern.
I was heavily wounded by my mother who shamed and poured her self hatred onto me, I was the truth teller and scapegoat for the family crap. It has been compounded by my siblings doing the same crap to me and project all the crap as being my fault for not changing to make them feel good when it is their work to do as well.
I have had to distance myself from my family to start working on the deep seated shaming that I was taught. I know some of it but you gave me new ways to work on it. Lots of crap has come up in the last 12 years and it has 180 degree affect on my life but still lots to repair.
thanks for the new tool.
My problem is not in the morning. It is at night. As soon as the evening starts my anxiety and PTSD. I do the high 5 morning and night. Thank you Mel. I love you and I believe in you ♥️
So much more helpful and real than the ridiculous "medium" stuff! Thank you for getting back to reality with this episode. I was really starting to worry about the direction this podcast was going. It was starting to feel very Sylvia Brown. I don't always agree with everything you post, and I appreciate that because it's healthy to entertain outside perspectives; but I definitely worry when I see delusional "psychics" or "mediums" or whatever nonsense that was.
Oh my gosh. This resonates with me!!! Especially doing what I didn't want to do!!
Assume good intent….
Everyone is capable of changing…..
That is refreshing and hopeful to hear, because so much of the videos and podcasts I consume online that talk about narcissism and stuff like that, they make it sound like certain people are just kind of evil and they will never change. And since I have a lot of narcissistic people in my life, that’s a really depressing concept to try to come to terms with…
When you say everyone, do you mean EVERYONE? Even sociopaths??
They don't change, ever.
Mel, I have “discovered” you a week or so and so pissed that I missed you show! Mel, you rock! Glad you have podcast so I can learn anytime!😊
I am very aesthetic so don’t take this the wrong way. It looks like your in a soundproof room, but you are so light like spring, but the room needs more light colors to reflect you!😊
Wow... this was the best. So touched by both of you. I have a lot of work to do but it doesn't seem impossible anymore.
You got this ❤️
❤️Thanks! This is a great conversation.
🔑 Key Words: Self-abandonment.
I really appreciated Mel for bringing up the topic of self-abandonment when it comes to the challenge of keeping promises or commitments to your self @47:07.
I feel grateful for how Dr. Kennedy's demonstration of what a loving inner dialogue or inner self talk looks and sounds like with or without a dash of humor.
This was amazing. Thanks!
I wish there was a part 2. It would be great to hear more about speaking up and how it can be done in different scenarios. This is a big struggle for me.
I would like to hear more also.
This triggered a family story of my dad getting frustrated with me as a baby. I was told I wouldn't stop crying so he took me to the bathroom, turned on the cold water in the tub ad stuck my baby self under the faucet !
Oh my! I am so sorry this happened to you!!
I'm back. My first comment I mentioned have-nots. I know them.I was homeless and now live on ssi.
I'm going to check your website. I heard that you have a therapy. I also heard it involves money. The federal government has ruled no more than $1000 a month. No one on SSI has what's needed.
I know how handle my money. I learned I don't need many physical possessions. I've gotten rid of stuff 3x in the past 2 years. More will go. I'm ordering my life
I'm healing myself however; have-nots watch and they find hope and then the price tag of help they believe it's out of their reach. They fall into despair again.
These are the people I want to help.
Thank you for this much-needed phrase about a parent's role--"My Sturdy Leader." @32:04 It's hard for children to understand that parents are learning as they're doing. Sometimes they don't make great choices in word or deed.
Well can't thank you enough...
Felt relieved to know that we can correct the damages
When she got to the second part of the talk she was in her knowledge zone and the examples and strategies were very helpful.
Spectacular opportunityfor personal INSIGHTS!!
💥EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS!!💥
Mel, your facial expressions are priceless! Your authentic self is reacting to this topic~it's a total GIFT to watch you learn & process this info. (I had the same question about having the SAME BODY as born with)
As ALWAYS THANK YOU!!
📢 Tech consideration: This taped very softly. I turned up the volume & almost lost my hearing when the ad came on🙄😉
Thank you so much she put into words what I was feeling and didn’t even know it. This was very enlightening. Thank you.
The discovery of this episode right now is everything. Thank you both.
Dr Becky is amazing! Her book is Phenomenal. Thank you Mel for having her on. Love all your content Mel! You should bring her back.
This was so incredibly enlightening and I will definitely listen to this again and again and make sure I capture every part of it. Thank you so much for posting!
Mel i want you to know, you are making a difference in my life. 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
This is was such a real amazing conversation. Needed this message❤
Wrote so much... Cried... and wish this interview never stopped! Thankyou so much 💕
I watch a lot of inner healing videos because I am taking a course and do look for resources outside of my coursework. I think we as adults need to be emotionally healthy in order to rear children that will be emotionally healthy otherwise we pass along dysfunction to our children. For me the method I use when I am triggered is to ask myself why I am upset. Your true self (inner child) will tell you the truth. There is the inner child and the adolescent and we learn to develop the inner adult.
I love this discussion! Thank you❤Mel and thank you doctor!
So I need to develop the part of me that stands really firmly in my own interpretation of events. It causes mayhem in your family but maybe it makes you feel more 'defended' for the next time
If you love Mel, consider sending her a Super Thanks, right inside the app. Listening to her is better for my mind, body & soul than a cup of expensive ☕️ so I try to send a Super Thanks as a tip of gratitude. Love ya, Mel!
Oh this is going to be put into a bookmark so I do NOT lose it and I can reference it later so I can go back over and over and process so much.
Thank you BOTH 💖💖
Mel no wonder you’re number one I’ve loved you from a far for many many years and you make me think and use my processing skills I enjoy and relate to your podcasts and just about everything you do thank you
When I ever got triggered as a parent, before saying something I would regret, I would put everyone involved in "Mommy Timeout". That meant we each went to our bedrooms for a short amount of time to reflect on how we feel. I would then go to them, have a conversation about the situation, then hug them telling them that I love them. I tried to never shut down my children.
I always made time to allow them to look at everything in any and all types of stores, never rushing them, after a bit they would be ready to go. If they knew they had time to look a talk about different ones they would eventually be satisfied. I never had a bad experience with my children ever, often they were praised by shoppers, some clerks always remember them, for their good behavior. I always told my children they were angles sent from Heaven and we should behave as such.
They are adults now who recognize their own triggers and can regulate themselves very well being open and honest about their own needs when it comes to issues causing dysregulation.
Being self aware was of the utmost importance to me as a parent.
Mel, I love you back!
Wow the last part about honouring your promises to yourself. I’d cried before that, but then…so powerful. Thank you both.
We can't blame our parents for or how we was raised We have to understand like this lady said in the beginning we repeat the pattern from generation to the next in some sort of way, we can change that by renewing our minds or actions catching ourselves our reactions to situations it's horrible that we don't see this child hood parenting trauma experiences until most of the time when we have our own children anything between that we thinking it's us we operating off of the auto pilot from that still childhood up bringing in some way or another. It's alot to unpack here I agreed with some stuff and understood some.
Thank you SO much for this conversation! ♥
We spend our adult lives getting over our childhood don’t we? My childhood traumas could fill a book. I have very vivid memories of it but I never realized the depth of it until I was years into recovery from alcohol addiction and doing my second 4th step.
I could relate to almost all of it and already shared to 6 of my counseling clients! Excellent video thank you so much!
My first memory is waking at night with something poking in my back (it was a muscle twitch) I turn to see what it was and nothing was there. I looked through bars (cot bars) and saw two lumps in the bed, of course I didn't know it was mum and dad, I was too young but it was the fear I felt that helped me remember it. My father was a cruel man.
I'd like to hear the guest finish their thoughts.
Sorry that maybe sounded rude it's nothing personal a lot of show hosts do this. I know they get swept up in the topic I'm sure.
Omggg wow wow wow. So good!!!!! Dr. Becky is the first doctor I’ve listened to who actually connects and empathizes so clearly with both parent and child perspectives. Just phenomenal.
Thanks to the two of you and your team. This is so beautiful and feels so connecting. Healing.
Thank you for spreading awareness about such an important and life altering topic!
I am so Grateful for this Podcast conversation!!!
It was Amazingly helpful I am learning how all the Trauma from childhood to ex husband and the ending of a harmful relationship and that trauma. Thank you Both sooooooo much 🙏🏻
Thank you ❣️
Now i know i am not crazy for talking to myself and also how i came to be me. I knew but jet again didn’t …
Never realized that the triggers ARE telling ME MY complete story, the parts i did not know. Now i can let others of the hook 😂In other words stop blaming them for my nasty emotions. Working very hard on the 2023 version of myself 😅😁
Thank you for helping me heal! 🎉
Greetings from Italy! Go Mel!!
my whole family disowned me at 5 years old they said i belong to the land lord 🙏❤️😊
Mel is awesome!!
So powerful, I love you Mel but so many interruptions I really wanted to continue hearing Dr Becky thoughts
I already know I'm good inside...I also know humans on this planet don't deserve my good inside.
So you show your bad side?
Amazing video! ❤ Thank you.
Mel Robbins, thank you so much for this episode. Dr. Becky Kennedy's examples were very eye-opening.
I just realized that my soon-to-be ex-husband... Shames me by bringing up the past to try to make me feel guilty for things I've already asked for forgiveness for years and years ago.
The difference between a few years back when I still froze up and beat myself up and now is our recognize it when it happens when he really berates me.
Also I think he recognizes that I'm not bothered by it as much and I won't let him continue to be do his mental psychology to me. Yes he can still get to me However now I'm recognizing more and more when he does it. As though I'm a third person in the conversation looking at what he's doing to me and what I'm doing in response.
Stop interacting with him at all! Put him out of your life. You may feel dependent, and that will stop when you start gathering people who appreciate you.
Thanks a lot Dr Becky❤🇮🇳
Such a great psychiatrist I could have used decades ago. Better late than never! Thank u Mel 🥰🤗
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mel Robbins your topics always hit home! Wow! I’m speechless! I’ve learned so much from you! I can’t wait to meet you in person someday so I can give you a hug!💕💕💕🙃
AWESOME!!! 🙌🙌🙌And FUN!!! I loved it!!! 💗💗💗💗 Thank you!
I love you. I loved this and needed to hear it this morning. Thank you
thank u 💔 im working now on healing my childhood and family traumas , they are alot
Thank you!
I'm renewing my body. I fully expect to heal. I've done the work.
Excellent show ❤
Mind blowing, in a good way. Thank you ladies.
I love the get curious tip… I could relate to all the situations and feelings mentioned in this episode but I have no idea how to access that in myself in the moment. So I love Dr Becky’s tip to get curious 🤔🤯 Thank you Mel!
13 min in and i am fighting tears 😢 mercy did i need this video!