What is "triangulation"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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I am amazed that narcissists personalities have such similar traits and tactics. As people we are all so different but narcissists are so similar in so many ways. Do they all go to the narc convention and share stories?
Hahaha Drew, that's funny! Dunno about the narc convention, but we empaths sure do love to share our stories here and heal:) Peace and light to youđ
Let's have an empathy convention! It would be filled with LOVE! â€ïž to get in people would have to go through a test
Drew, yes, it looks like they are born with a text book to follow, but no, they just act like that because they can't do better. Empty people....
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Łfor real.
@@gioovannabpSign me up!!!
I live alone and sometimes feel a little lonely. Then I listen to a few minutes of Dr. Ramani, and I don't feel lonely anymore. I feel grateful, free and blessed.
Dr. Phil helped me feel like I wasn't going insane and when I found out what a narcissist was, suddenly found a community that understood the hell I was going through, when my family was trying to make it seem like I was the problem.
I hear you, I feel like I gaslight myself and think I'm making it up or I'm confused. Then I watch videos that match behavior so perfectly it makes me sad but validated. No one seems to react the way I think they should or tells me we are fighting etc I cant stand it. I love the videos x
Same here đ€đ€
@@bekind5939 Yeah, they act like thereâs nothing wrong right? Like they have no idea what theyâre doing.
Amen.
My ex's favourite game, triangulating me with other women. Never again will I allow someone to make me feel worthless and "less than", it's humiliating and destroys your self esteem.
Eliza T It was the morning after I slept with my ex for the very first time, we were sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast and I was paging through a magazine. He pointed out one of the models and said, âMy exâs body is ten times better than that model.â I went from glowing with love from our first time together to feeling small and confused.
He made lots of odd comments like that throughout our relationship, and cheated on me with at least two other people I know of. Another interesting moment was when I drew a pencil drawing of a cheetah for him. (Iâm not professional but Iâm not a terrible artist.) When I gave it to him he said, âOh thatâs good, but my friend Serena, sheâs a REALLY good artist.â I couldnât understand why he would say that right then... that girl is a very good artist, but the way he said it somehow felt like he was negating my ability. I never drew anything for him again.
@@barbara3911 wow! That feeling of feeling small and confused - that became so familiar and that's the feeling we must pay huge attention to in the future. I never found evidence of my ex physically cheating but dumped him when I found he was using a dating app, unfortunately he hoovered me back after a few months only to continue messaging other women. I realise now that it's due to huge insecurity on their part - deep down they know we are far better than they deserve.
Me ex- triangulated my income and professional status with that of other men. Meanwhile, she couldn't be bothered to get a job as she bled me dry over the course of years. Can't tell you how exhausted I got trying to please her, only for her to shift the goalposts whenever I did or was getting close to doing whatever it was that she thought that I was supposed to do.
Eliza T yes. Iâm sorry this happened to you. Itâs the worst part for me to grieve the loss of my self worth. I was already messed up in this area and he sealed the deal.
I once dated a narcissist. I literally used to accuse her of manufacturing chaos. Now I know I wasnât crazy! Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge of these awful people.
Yeas I hear you, making mountains out of mole hills, seeing the worst in people rather than the good or giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Or letting them live their lives, as they see fit , not as you (Narc) wish they wouldâŠ. No one really knows what is best for another except themselves.
Basically no one asked for your opinion⊠so donât give it, and start stirring up trouble. Stay in your lane.
My histrionic alcoholic narcissist middle sister is doing this still and getting worse. I was just discharged from the hospital for "exhaustion" last Wednesday and not only did she create an unbearable situation to test me, when I snapped she has caused it to be that no one has called since to check on me because no one caresđ They're setting me up to fail.
my ex of 36 years of marriage did the same thing! Created conflict and then expected me to help clean up the messâŠtime and again.
@@ingrid_inthesky Your comment was a year ago...I hope you're feeling much better now.
All women to a degree are narcs. Countless cases of narcs. I've met one male narc for ten female narcs.
Feels more like strangulation.
Very well said
Lol! Nice.
đđđ yes!
Well played sir.
Suffocation.
Exactly! Putting me in a competition or a game that I never wanted to play in the first place.
Of course when you fall into the competition game with the narcissist then they and their flying monkeys often accuse you of spending too much money.Too much money on an education, too much money on clothng later whenever networking to look for work, too much money for working past a certain age and too much money for shelter you are not paying rent for in a cramped one bedroom apartment or bacheolor's sutie. None of the rules for conduct which applies to everyone applies to the narcissist according to them. Somehow the truth has been lost on the narcissist on how illogical it is to accuse someone of spending too much money without asking them permission first after leaving them whenever trying to buy the same things they already have bought for themselves. If you are fortunate to have a post secondary diploma before those purchases according to the narcissist well your achievment is obsolete anyway.
Yes....tells me I'm his rock but also throws in that he has other people that could do soo much more LMAO.... Ok so go to them.
Narcs turn family members against each other, and whomever they are in a relationship with, they do the same in their family. Hell, narcs, even cause triangulation in their community, pitting neighbors against each other. Narcs throw rocks and hide their hand, and no one knows they are complicit until everything is said and done. They are very cunning and manipulative
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 very very true!
This sounds like what the puppet masters are doing now, seperation of sexes, races, countries, workers dubbed essential, students being graded. WHO is going to stick the needle in your back if you want big brother covering your back.
Sometimes they don't even compare...they just bring the different people in your conversation again and again , and you start feeling like may he/ she misses the other people and aren't happy with you.
I was wondering about this!
Right. My exe would bring up a woman at church that was so loving. They are close in age, but he said she was a mom figure. BS. I heard him inevitably say [to her] I love you. When I had a problem with that and cussed him out in text, after trying to talk to him, he showed her my texts. He refused to speak with me about it and said he showed her to get advice. Um, advice, âDonât tell her you love her! Donât share our relationship with her!â I dumped him.
I just let out the most awful sound and my dog freaked out. I just cried so freaking hard. I have been searching for this. I thought I was the problem and that I was just crazy and jealous but... omg, I feel sooooo much better knowing that this is a real thing. This is exactly the thing that weâre happening. When you started describing the woman at work, women on tv, etc I just felt release. I thought I was alone in this. He called his ex wife a Barbie and he told me that he really liked heart shaped faces but that he liked my shape too for some reason... and things like that which started to make me feel so insecure about myself.
I feel so robbed. Heâs not the first to do these things. I feel like my confidence, my sanity, my innocence even... (because of sadistic things in the bedroom) the list goes on. I need to talk to someone and get some help. Some days Iâm ok. But most days I feel hopeless and like the world is just a dark and scary place.
Thank you so much for this. Please know that you are making such a difference.
â€
â„ïž
Hi run to arms of Jesus God is a man who cannot lie.
My ex covert Narc also liked sadistic twisted things in the bedroom. Ugh. I hope you are doing better!!â€
You're so beautiful! Thought I would let you know đ
My mother was an absolute genius at triangulation. She very definitely pitted her children against each other, and I was horrified when I realized she did the same thing with her grandchildren. The consequence? Nobody really trusted anyone and no one is close. In fact, the family is pretty much finished. I personally donât miss it! Contact was always very stressful for me, as the main scapegoat.
Robin Lundstrum I can definitely relate to your experience. No one in my family trusts anyone else. Including me. I am also the scapegoat.
Diane Merrell me too
Totally relate.
Diane Merrell - We are kindred spirits! Both of my parents have passed away and now I have peace. Thank goodness for channels like this one. Back in the day, we didnât really understand what was happening to us.
*POW* PunkOnWhiskey - đ
Exactly. Itâs not right to pit people against each other. And yes the narcissist will spin it like theyâre the âsaviorâ whole time theyâre in the middle of it all gathering their amusement.
Queana Ivory Music absolutely! My narc mother did this between me and the rest of my family đ
@@Multiverse82
I can relate. I'm very sorry it's such a painful experience, when my mother realised that relied on animals for emotional support she started getting rid of them sometimes in horrible ways. I hope you're doing ok now, it's taken a very long time but I'm free and happy. đ
chokinonashes61 yes thank you Iâve finally gone no contact! First with my mother and her husband over a year ago and finally all of the family just as this pandemic broke! They are all narcs or flying monkeys. Plus half of them jehovahs witnesses that is a narc cult in itself. But Iâm free and Iâm happy they canât influence my life anymore đđș
chokinonashes61 Iâm sorry that happened to your animals. They always get you where they know it will hurt the most. Itâs great your are free at last!
So TRUE!
In my experience the triangulation and comparisons start during the lovebombing phase of a romantic relationship. People don't notice there's a problem when they are being favourably compared to others.
This is so true! A revelation honestly! I always felt weird when he was bashing exes to give me compliments. Like thatâs not necessary!
Yes! Bingo! It shows up our own vanity. But truly none of us should want to look taller by standing on someone else's back.
Yes, it happened to me with his ex.đ
They treat their children differently while frequently announcing in mantra-like fashion, "I treat ALL my children the same!".
Omg thank god someone else feels like this. I feel this will prevent my self gaslighting. My mom pretends to be someone who treats everyone equally. My sis and I called her out for treating my bro better. Later we were both gaslighted and manipulated into believing that she's equal and we're guilty and we both actually did believe it. Now I finally understand.
Frankly, I don't see how you can treat everyone the same because everyone is different. I have a different relationship with each child. But, I think you can be fair. That may be a better word.
@@sanskrutibarot9796 they favor sons because they have so much self hatred, their daughters remind them of themselves. Or of the idealized self that they never achieved.
One of the worst things my ex Narc said to me to triangulate was âyou will never be enough for meâ. When he was cheating. Now I refuse to be triangulated by removing myself with no contact and breaking soul ties.
Same here
You will enough.... Ha ha! Who needs to be hit with a cast iron skillet?
I just hope u know how beautiful and amazing you are regardless of what he said to you and the lies r tried to make u believe. God bless you, I hope u find happiness and true love one day
Mary Claudia Thank you âșïž
Thats messed up!!! But he was being honest. Not that youâre not enough, but NO ONE will be enough for that sicko!!! Theyâre trying to fill a bottomless hole!! Trying to run away from who they really are!! Theyâre demons!!! Run!!! And donât look back
I grew up with a mother who is an expert at triangulation. As children, my brother and I played her game because we didn't know better. As adults, without knowing what to call the game, we recognized that we had been played for years, and we made a pact - we do not believe anything our mother tells us about the other sibling.
Geneva Lawrence So happy for you! I wish all my sibs would stop triangulating. Its so ridiculous.
đ
I wish my sister was able to see it. I suspect she is narc though.
Yay! The two of you won!
Atleast your other sibling is not a narcissist
I thought I met my soul mate, but it turns out I was just love bombed by a narcissist đ we were together for just 3 short months. Thank goodness I have been doing a lot of internal work over the last 3 years otherwise these tactics of triangulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, etc. would have done some serious damage. Itâs crazy just how skilled at manipulating that these people are. I didnât see that he was doing these things to me until I caught him cheating on me with another girlfriend!!! And I got over him fairly quickly once I realized that the person he portrayed himself to be wasnât real. He doesnât even know who he is. Itâs tragic, and I truly wish him healing.
Thatâs the one thing that I think makes my recovery easier. Knowing that he doesnât know or love himself at all. I think him seeing me be kind, social, loving, empathetic, and happy for many people upset him a lot because thatâs something he was just not capable of. So he had to do something with that bitterness so he took it out on me. Thankfully I left. Even now, I hope heâs able to find peace within himself because thatâs a sad and tiring life otherwise.
Compared all my life with a more perfect child of a neighbor, reminded constantly that I am not good enough. Now when I am older, I am understanding what a shitty mom I had..
My Mom was raving about my girlfriend's blonde hair. I was puzzled and asked, Why don't you like mine? Mine is a pretty blonde color, too (I asked because she always disapproved of it). My Mom's answer was that because I had to bleach my tresses, to achieve the same light shade, it was automatically inferior. Who does that to a young woman?
u sould tell her.....u was born as blank piece of paper....what u r and became is part of who she is and what she tought u or did not....be strong...hug!
That recognition and attention is a hell of a drug, which is why some people go to very frightening lows to vie for the favor of the narcissist, even when it means abusing or mentally destroying another person. Itâs scary because in some ways they believe theyâre being valiant. They think theyâre vanquishing the enemy... Whole time the enemy is the one setting them up to do their dirty work. Itâs a sad sad occasion.
Yes. Exactly.
They also make it look like you have the problem by making you react to the passive aggressive attacks.
if you go on the defence it makes it look like they are right. And they are always so charming and have lots of resources and give a lot. They dont like to loose.
Its almost like they have no real life of thier own , they live to use people look like the hero and the victim while abusing and walking all over their victims
@@HeartPiece4u Yep!!! They ALWAYS have to be the hero who made you who you are or the victim who was abused by you. Once you decide to make them neither...they go into a rage and then the retaliation begins.
Very well put. I'm in this situation at the moment with housemates. It's a living nightmare
Literally what happened to my brother. My mom lost her grip on me when I became distant. She had to have asked my brother why and he spilled everything I confided in him about regarding my mom. All of it. Thought I could trust him but my mom manipulated the hell out of him and my brother went along with it. Now the family is ruined yet Iâm treated as the devil because I called it out.
Will straight up have groups of people hating me that I donât even know... and that definitely donât know me. And sometimes itâs people Iâve been cool with (or at least I thought we were cool) that all of a sudden want to come for me.
Classic! Be careful of "flying monkeys", anyone who believes a narcissist's lies are potentially naive, easily manipulated, and might have other motives themselves. If someone outright believes gossip about someone instead of asking the source being attacked what actually happened, that is someone you need to limit contact with or even watch carefully. I always trust those that tell me I have food on my face over someone who keeps that to themselves. The honest folks that seek the truths are the ones to keep in your life and hold on tight to.
I had to learn the different between predation and love. The predator loves the way my fear tastes while Love sees and knows the love that I am.
The moment I began to have self-respecting boundaries, just like that, 80% of the people in my life showed their true narcissustic motivations. Their entitlement makes them act out to severed supply, and I am learning to break the programming by setting limits on what I will and will not accept from other people. I'm learning to recognize people who are motivated by Love and to celebrate their presence in my life
truth...I totally relate to this.
oh i have dealt with this too.. one time some people were talking rude to me and i was sweet to them, they got on my side đ Then they started talking and behaving good to me. And then i saw some perplexed faces then i understood.
A narcissistic mother can also use triangulation between the scapegoat and other siblings and even the other parent to make herself appear to be the victim of the scapegoat so the others abuse the scapegoat for her. Even physically. True story. I should know because it happened ro me.
Yes they use what's called flying monkeys to do their dirty work for them.
Yep this is what my mother does. Not physical but emotional torture.
I didnât realize the mere act of treating 2 kids very differently in a family is triangulation. My family only communicated through gossip behind the back of whomever wasnât there đ
Itâs crazy how I went through this triangulation process for years and didnât see it until the end! I was hospitalized twice because of everything they were putting me though. Thank the Lord for getting me out of that toxic family!!!
Thank you for your share ..I too have suffered mental heakth crisis because of my family of origin . I hope your life is full of blessings and healing.
đŻ
Itâs a dirty game to play games with children. They didnât ask to be born. I remember in my own childhood how my grandmother put so much more value on the boys and treated us girls like we were just inherently bad... when that was seriously not the case. Thatâs damaging.
I wanted to be a boy, always, because my mother, father, and aunt valued my brother and manhood in general more. Mother even dressed me as I were a boy. It is gone now. Nice spring to you!
These same grandmas and mothers expect the daughters to sacrifice and take care of them in old age and often - many known cases - leave the total inheritance to the son . Their 'rationale' - girls don't need money .
It's heartbreaking, deliberately cruel and sadustic.
My paternal grandmother did just the opposite: favored the girls over the boys. She groomed her favorite granddaughter (my older sister) quite well I must say.
My mother in law favors my daughters more than my son. Thankfully she only speaks spanish and my kids know english, so she can't plant seeds in their heads. They are older now and unfortunately have noticed the favoritism, so I just explain to them that it is important to have each others backs no matter what. And I just started teaching them Spanish, and now unfortunately my narcissistic mother in law wants to move to the state we are currently leaving in.im so stressed out about having her here. đ
My mother was a narcissist. The problem was that she turned my brother into one, too, during his early developmental years (that is another story). As she aged her tactic was to tell each of us a different story, so that we would be pitted against each other. After I figured this out I tried to explain to my brother what was going on. He refused to see the light, because he was also playing both of us like a fiddle for financial gain. Mom would tell other people, like neighbors and members of church, whopping lies. They all believed her, because she looked so sweet and innocent This dynamic caused irreparable damage to our family even after our mother passed away many years ago.
Trauma itâs âsubtleâ trauma .
Textbook. It's reslly creepy isnt it.. I described it as having a mother who was a Disney character who went Dark and never went back. But only some of us wake up within the nightmare.
May she will burn in hell forever! Same my mum, we need to stop feeling pity for these demons in flesh, they like to destroy and hurt with no mercy or remorse....may they will be in flames! In God's name.
Same thing my adoptive mother did between me and my siblings. Now that she's in her 90s and my siblings and I are much older, they still hate me and I have no contact with any of them.
This is the story of my Golden Child younger Brother but it reached a breaking point when when she made the daughter from his previous marriage her Golden GrandChild and talks smack about his new kids. Now he is very low conctact.
The mentioning of ex was one of the bizarre thing in my last relationship with my narc ex.
He constantly brought up his ex, even though I told him many times â the less I know about your ex, the happier I amâ.
Of course he didnât listen and kept mentioning his ex time to time.
Here is the crazy part, the minute I said anything about his ex story, which he brought up, he would turn around and sayâthis is why I donât like to talk about ex, you think too much.â
I was likeđłyou brought it up, every time!
Then he would start gaslight me âNo YOU brought things upâ, âwhy you have to ask me things in the past?â
He just desperately wanted to project me as a jealous gf, I didnât get it until I caught him cheated with another ex.
He gaslighted me to thinkâit is over react to suspect him and the exs â, so I subconsciously avoid the topic of his ex as bring this thing up =makes me a jealous gf. By then he could cheat under the radar.
My ex did the same ! Constantly rambling about how perfect his ex was. She was indeed, clever enough to dump and block this asshole.
Same here!
I think that is in the handbook they give to narcs. I used to get so mad at the disrespect I would tell him remove the L from lover it's over. He didn't get it.
This exactly I was experienced with my ex. He always ended up saying I was a psycho and jealous. OMG I'm so happy for you that guy got out of your life.
My ex used to bring up the fact the that is ex was a âprofessional dancerâ and another was âan ice starterâ who like me didnât have much experience and therefore became âtoo clingyâ lol ... even though I was too busy with work at the time to see him much and he was the clingy one. .. also he wasnât successful himself
My mother has done that to me and my 3 older sisters for as far back as i can remember but since I went no contact with them all im the bad guy ,and this time im O.K. with that
Good for you
This is awesome for you!
yes, this happens when the guilt-trap does not work anymore. Then you are free.
One month after her failed hoover, she shows up for child exchange with her boyfriend. Our custody agreement has numerous stipulations about this. Most notably that introductions of new partners would be limited to those without drug /alcohol issues criminal history etc. All of which her new partner has. She even has our child calling him "my other daddy".
All of the terms Dr. Ramani had covered in her series are playing out in my life, in real time. Hovering, Triangulation, Boundary issues.
Without this series I would have literally gone insane.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
She so nasty!!! Selfish, not concerned for your children. Hang in there, karma will come.
If you don't already have your children in Therapy with a therapist who understands narcissism, please make that happen soon. If she did it to you, you absolutely know she's doing it to them.
I'm so sorry for this situation!!
chipanndale 1 thanks for that. What's really funny about this is that we both spent a huge amount of time and money in mediation for the custody agreement that we both ultimately signed. And in the end she simply used it as a roadmap to violate every single element we agreed on. Because that's just how she rolls, I guess.
@@reiniernosson1049 Your children are lucky you are so mature. Please ignore the provocations of your narcisisstic ex-wife. She is imature and not worth of upsetting you. Just be there for your children, love them and support them, because they need that.
I could never understand why parents would turn their children against the other parent after divorce. We never have a deal with God to know if we will be healthy and alive as long as our children need us. So what if one day we can't take care of our children as we would like, or worse, we die? That's the most horrible thing for a parent with young children. Who would take care of the children if your actions enstranged the children from the other parent? This is the reason why I have always encouraged very good relationships between my children and their dad, even at times when the relationship between me and their dad was bad.
I wish you and your children all the best and I wish your ex could receive the thing she needs most: wisdom.
This video was SO eye opening!!! I realized I was not only being devalued but also triangulated as I was constantly being compared to someone I donât even know.
And they do it all the time too its like brainwashing. What's even more absurd they also cant resist to make fun of that person as well. Like "he has the most weird eating habits". Its so weird dealing with narcs you actually feel like you are going nuts.
This strikes me as the most potent weapon of the narc. It ultimately ended my relationship and I had no clue about narcissism at that time. I couldnât stand the continuous competition any longer and realized I would never win.
I wish I knew about narcissism before I wasted 16 yrs of my life. I see now (14 months away now) the triangulation that began immediately. It continued with different people.
Me too hun. Since day 1. 12 years later and itâs still the same just different players. Biggest red flag I missed. My ego was like âwho does this guy think he is?â Maybe if I try harder...đ Congrats on your escape.â€ïž
@@afree6339 Dangggggg I hope you're doing better!!!!!
Finally the whole "comparing you to all the other people I'm seeing making you believe they are admirable and beyond human and you are just a naive hopeless if you do the same things" has a name! Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!
Yeah
Jesus, my family did this; sadder yet, my parents really tried to break thru it for me, and their own naivete and drive for approval was used against them. Damn.
@@KingRandor82 oh, dear! You have all my empathy. Hope you managed to cope with the situation and used it as training. I don't know about you, but now I can see the red flags kinda clearly and I do my best to avoid traps! Must be more difficulut when it comes from family but I wish you the best!!
@@odddraft it did help me understand though why I was so willing to take it when I received it from the narcs that *did* come into my life. I actually went into it on my blog quite thoroughly in fact, and concluded my latest entry with asking my family "you say you're proud of me...why? You don't even understand why I do what I do. I believe others when they tell me, but not you"
Doctor Ramani is an angel sent to earth. Thank you so much for doing this, you have no idea how much of a positive impact you have. Thank you.
My narc sister would thrive from other family members having little issues and trying to pin us against each other to make the problem bigger or coldness between us. She gossiped, twisted information and get information out of us to control us, now I don't have contact with her, and after trying to divide my family, she has not succeeded, my mother, father and oldest sister and I (and our children) can finally have a normal family relationship without drama.
Triangulation and drama: my former relationship's two keywords.
Doctor please talk about their image and their expensive cars that they use to show off subtly and create good impression of them selves, and also about their vanity by having pictures in every corner of the house
M A, As a woman who really loves cars, I can tell you the behavior of people changed drastically after I bought a BMW. This was in 1985, when they were all the rage. Very few people understood my knowledge of the history of the BMW company, the passion I had at car shows, etc. (My father had a full service garage, and as a child, I was taught all about engines.) I would have made a perfect male child for my father. Anyway, I had to endure so many insults about my new BMW: "These cars are really shit wrapped up in a pretty exterior. They're way overpriced for what they are." "Showing off, eh?" "Wait till you see your first repair bill."
These came from four different people. (None of them knew me well.) It was really eye opening. By the way, I have only two family pictures on the wall.
My best friend used to use triangulation on me all the time. I always felt bad when she would do it and would wonder why, not knowing what she was doing but thinking it was odd I would be upset about it. I tried to tell myself it was just her saying nice things about her other friends and that is a good thing but somehow it always felt either weird or made me feel bad. It reinforced my low self esteem and made me feel even worse, like I was a bad person for not wanting her to say nice things about her friends. It only bothered me when she would say nice things about her other friends because when she did it, it somehow felt like a put down to me. I now know what she was doing. The last time I talked to her, she triangulated me with my older, very successful brother. The way she said it was so nasty, her tone of voice changed as if she was trying to hurt me, right then and there I knew I was done with her. She also told me she had no empathy for people like me (I had just told her I realized my mother was a narcissist and psychologically abused me my whole life). Since I had an issue with being abused, she had no empathy for me because I couldnât just immediately get over it! It was an unbelievably horrific, painful, and heartbreaking conversation. Losing my oldest friendship. She was not like this in first grade when I met her and I do not know when exactly she became this person but Iâm glad I went no contact. I went no contact with my mother and best friend in the same week. Beware of the frenemy!
When you told her that your mother was a narc, she reacted like any narc would react if you call them out. On some deep level [since narcs never admit to themselves that they are narcs] she probably felt that what you were saying about your mother applied to her as well, thus her reaction.
She was never your friend I'm afraid..when she seemed nice she was lovebombing and reflecting your own desirable qualities back to you. When she is nasty she is showing her true diabolical self.
Here's the problem for me... By the time I realized what was really going on, I had already invested time, money and 10 years of my life. They in turn got so many people involved in our relationship I didn't know which way was up or down. By then one is so depleted of life force that it's a struggle to get up and face the day. We need to figure a way out before it gets to the point that I'm currently at. This is such great information. It's helping me to decipher what the hell is really going on in that sick mind of theirs. Thank you Doc. You're awesome. The way you explain things, a person living in this "shit storm" they create gets it right away.
Seems the narcissist would have a nervous breakdown if siblings or others banded together to stand against him/her.
In my experience, heÂŽll play the card of being THE victim. I know better covert narcissist, BTW.
@@nachovinssac8848 how do we win then?
@@tatummoyo8448 IMO, learning, so you can avoid future relationships with people like that. If he/she is someone that you canÂŽt stop seeing, that learning would allow you to set healthy boundaries and do not expect from them what they canÂŽt offer. Other kind of "winning" I donÂŽt think is possible, they put a lot, really a lot of energy, in their view of winning.
@@nachovinssac8848 kinda sad...I'm the only sibling out of 4 that's aware of narcissistic disorder.I could educate my family but after years of abuse,this seems normal to them and I sense a feeling of helplessness. I can only protect myself now.you are also right about them putting in so much energy,it seems impossible to win.sickening actually!!
Oh how I can relate! My older sister loves playing victim when people start standing up to her... she's devastated... heartbroken...guilt trip. I hate to have to admit it but I am coming to realize how much I dislike my sister.
My ex did this to me until I literally had an anxiety attack and couldn't stop crying. Then he asked me what was wrong and basically acted like he cared about me for the first time in months, and I couldn't express how stressful it was when he talked about these beautiful actresses all the time because I thought that would just come off as crazy and jealous. We're so inundated with messages about how unhealthy "jealousy" is, and it all just opens the door for these awful people to act like this and then accuse us of being the toxic ones đ
Wow I never knew there was an actual term for this... he constantly did this to me. So glad I donât have to deal with him anymore đ
I didn't know much about triangulation. When I was younger, it used to make me feel upset and insecure, especially with my family. I also wished I knew about this topic then. Now that I'm older and I have been working on myself for years, it doesn't affect my self-esteem and I'm able to identify it more when it happens. However, I don't want the same pattern to be repeated in my life. I have never agreed to any "threesome", and I was not aware of it in the past. I only wanted to have a healthy relationship with a good man, the right one for me. But healing from our childhood and from our past it is so important.
I'm an introvert and empath, I avoid being the center of attention, or being in the spotlight; posting about my personal life is out of my comfort zone. But watching your videos, reading other people's experiences and sharing my own, it feels therapeutic. Also makes me realize that I'm not alone nor the only one who has gone through narcissistic abuse. Thank you so much!đ
Any threesomeâŠ.Iâm gonna use that line
The narcissistâs parents are oblivious to their childâs actions and always defends them. You always look like the bad guy for calling them out. Itâs like you have to parent the narcissist, but they only feel attacked by what you have to say and canât see where you are coming from.
I guess I have one and trust me there's no defending of any sort.. you're pretty much on your own
The one I had was controlled by his parents! They are problematic but oblivious... Calling them out makes you look crazy and not them. Leaving is the best way!!
That's because one or more parents are narcissists themselves.
That was exactly my experience. His mom thinks he's a perfect specimen of man. And she basically said if he physically abused me, I must be at fault. Years ago it was his dad who said "we're narcissists" referring to my ex and himself. At the time I didn't know what it meant or how right he was.
Sophia Sebring đđŒđđŒđđŒđđŒexactly
Just hearing your voice giving sense to it all is so calming. I thought that saturday and sunday we were not gonna get these glossary videos and it was a blessing to get prompted with their notifications both days. Thanks Dr. Ramani.
Finally see the light and I have made the difficult choice to take back my life. I was raised in this dynamic, experienced it in the workplace, endured countless friendships and intimate relationships and also with my grown children . I was hospitalized for a mental breakdown. Homeless and taken advantage of financially. There is no end to this kind of abuse, please recognize this and save yourself before it's too late. I have no contact at all with anyone associated with my family including my baby grandson. which is heartbreaking đ for me. But the peace of mind is priceless.
These videos are amazing, it's like Dr. Ramani was a fly on the wall in my family home!! We had the golden child ( 2 brothers), scape goat (sisters), invisible one(sister), there were 6 of us! My mother was awesome at triangulation, I'm just upset it took me my whole life to figure all this out!!!! The abuse was (is) horrific, demonic even...........at this point, no one in the family believes me when I tell them what I have figured out! She was good at being a narcissist, that's for sure! So, because my mother was so selfish needing her supply, I am left with a torn apart family that used to be SO CLOSE! I didn't realize that so many people have gone through narc. abuse of some sort, until reading comments. It breaks my heart, for my own family and for other families. It didn't need to be this way!!! Ok, damage has been done. I will never be able to convince the others that I am not the BAD guy, but in the end the NARC will get what they deserve! I am a Christian, born-again late in life (40) and thank God everyday I had my awakening, otherwise I could not have dealt with this reality. The peace I get knowing Jesus -makes me not want revenge, not feel I have to set the record straight with my family! I know narcissists will be dealt with on judgment day..................I do pray for them, but as we all know they don't change!!! God bless everyone going through this now and have a healthy healing process
Love the term "puppet master" that Dr. Ramani used. I always used to use "matriarch." I have seen it in action and became "the scapegoat" for calling it out. I have seen strings being pulled and how everyone was pitted against each other in the triangulation. Everyone having to go through the puppet master first. Even on jobs, I see the dynamic of how everyone gossips and pits teams against the scapegoat they alienate and make the enemy. Its done because the "puppet master" wants to be served by ALL. I call it the what have you done for me lately syndrome while you become narcissistic supply. Its the evil of domination, maniipulation and control. When you become the direct beneficiary of the chaos as Dr. states is to recognize the patterns and block it.
I went from being the golden child to the scapegoat, because I got more mature and saw through the charade. However, she easily dominated my brother, thus he became an emotion cripple. The whole situation is really sad.
The emotional damage done is sad. Its time to take charge and block and protect ourselves from further damage.
both narcs did the same thing...after infidelity triangulation wanted me back-lots of gas lighting. went back to the first one being uneducated at the time...but this time - no freakin way!!! Thanks Doc.
You just described my boss, most of my coworkers, my grandmother, and my ex-girlfriend.
And thanks again for saying before that narcissism is the new norm. People just don't understand how much of an epidemic it is.
This is exactly my extended family and even my own child. They enjoy using each one for their own personal entertainment. It is pure mind control.
My Sister is a master at triangulation! She thrives on the drama and has caused so much family division.
Now, anyone who receives an email or text from her, resends it to the rest of the family.
I have a sister like this.
I saw this with some people I knew a long time ago. Even with my own family and didn't know what was happening. I have little to no contact with them now. It does make for being in an uncomfortable situation. Crazy making. Dr. Ramani's videos help you put things in perspective.
My two siblings and I are in our fifties now. The covert narcissist mother is still alive. I do not recall a time in our lives when we children were ever not divided. We are to this day. I haven't see my sisters in years.
Thank you! That explains so much about my mother. People never believed the abuse she put me through, because "she was so good for my brother that I must simply be ungrateful"
I know how you feel I've been through the whole you need to be grateful thing... even though you're going through unspeakable abuse. I want you to know that maybe our parents don't love us. But I know who does his name is Jesus Christ and he died on the Cross for our sins so we wouldn't go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ love today if you already haven't. His love is like no other
@@christiangamer3669 agreed..maybe my earthly father doesnt really love me, my heavenly one does though.
My mom did this with me and my sister, pitting us against each other, though she didn't have to do too much because my sister hated me from day one for whatever reason. Now, I can't stand her because of stuff she has done to me, and she goes back and forth between wanting to mend our relationship to hating me. My mom loves to bring this stuff up to me and get me riled up, because she knows I don't contact my sister unless I absolutely have to, so she can't get supply from us arguing and fighting like we used to. My sister has done this to her two older children and they hate each other. I'm so angry to see it because they used to be so close and they got along so well. The thing I've noticed in both situations, each child changed places a few times, going from scapegoat to golden child, back to scapegoat, etc., depending on who was doing better in the narcissist's eyes. Like, when I was getting awards for academics in school, I was treated better than usual. When my sister had kids, she was treated better. I've heard people say that the golden child and the scapegoat don't change, but I definitely think they do, depending on how well they are pleasing the narc or how good they make the narc look.
As for a romantic experience, my ex was forever comparing me to his ex. Like, we couldn't go a week without me hearing about how we compared or, if I did something "good" or "bad", I'd have to hear a story about the time she did something similar, as if trying to tell me if an action was good or bad and whether I should keep doing it or stop doing it; I swear, it felt like he was trying to train me of something, and yes, I felt like I was in a weird competition with her when she wasn't even involved. I asked him to stop mentioning her so much and all I would ever get back was, "well, she was my longest relationship (5 months), so she's all I have to draw from". I was trying to be sensitive to that, but it's like, okay, I get it, but it's weird to mention your ex all the time, especially when using it to compare her to me, AND it's been a year since you've broken up. I wasn't even sure he was fully over her or whatever was going on with that.
BooDotBoo you are correct in that the siblings of narcissistic parents move from one position to the other depending on how much narcissistic supply the parent procures. Out of my six siblings none of us are close and Iâm estranged from all of them and they from each other. Thatâs the damage narcissists can do to their own offspring. Very sad.
Your sister sounds like mine. Never liked me amd I don't like her, but she has tried to be cloae at times
As the child of a narcissistic father I can vouch for the fact that it's possible to come together with your victimized family and validate your own and everyone else's experiences. We all still need a lot of therapy and aren't out of the woods yet but we're all recovering slowly â€ïž
My narcissistic sister bonded to our narcissistic mother and they became a team, with me on the outside. Yikes! Took me DECADES to figure out what was going on. I was pretty trusting, and believed my family members had my best interests at heart. I think my mom actually did care about me, I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that my sister never did.
Similar situation
I think I morphed from golden child-ish...just the bar for my brother; to the care taker; to the truth teller; to the scape goat; to the care taker; to the truth teller...and walked away with sting boundaries from the Narc/non care taking parent and the victimised brother (coping skills became substance abuse).
My favourite coach on Narcissism, thank you for your insights, joy and taking the time to bless us with your wisdom. I send you blessings and good vibes :)
I didn't realize until watching this video that my narcissistic ex was CONSTANTLY triangulating me against her exes and old friends (all of whom no longer were in contact with her). Truly eye-opening!
My mother used this one too.OMG, she has used every method Dr. Ramani talked about. She never praised me, instead, from time to time she bragged to me about how great my brother was. I bet she did this gimmick to my brother. I once truly loved my brother and cared about him, but he never get in touch with me forwardly once. Now I just take radical acceptance, yeah, my brother is just a person who treated me better than a stranger.
Very true. They stir up situations, then come off as the "voice of reason" which could not be further from the truth. They must always be the good guy, in their mind.
Iâm finally saying no more to this abuse by family. Iâve had it. They donât like it but too bad. Iâd rather get through this new situation on my own than take any more mistreatment. They use the carrot and stick method to keep me asking for help that never comes. The price of their help is just too high. Thank you for this series, every episode is exactly what I need to hear each day.
Kari Foto Yes keep no contact! You will be liberated and free to be you without judgement or attack! As you will be an expert at spotting them and avoiding them once you see the truth of it all!
Woah - my ex was an expert triangulator ! And the wildest thing was that he'd play it off as this kind of deep authenticity and honesty, that he wanted the freedom in our relationship to be able to freely discuss the traits and aspects of other people he found attractive, and that I was immature, jealous, clingy, needy, and dramatic for picking up on these comments and stories and feeling uncomfortable about them. He'd tell me about all these great dates he'd previously had, people he'd flirted with on a night out, or made eye contact with at the gym, other women he was texting (who he had slept with during an open/poly phase of our relationship) and how much he admired their reading habits, or tell me that I didn't mean as much to him as his best friend, who he had dated in the past. When I write all of this out, I can see clear and reasonable reasons for any person to feel a uncomfortable/threatened/jealous/unconsidered (i think part of what actually hurt the most at the time was that he didn't seem to have any concern about the fact that these anecdotes and comments would hurt my feelings), but at the time I internalised it ALL and thought that I was just not up to scratch or able to participate in this progressive relationship that he was pioneering.
When I first met my ex she kept downplaying everything I would do for her and compare it to other peopleâŠ.it was a red flagâŠ.
Sister is the golden child, I got all the blame shame and pain. Thank God I escape-goated
Wow he did this to me from the beginning of our relationship. I used to feel ashamed for being upset about it. Thank you Dr Ramani for putting the information together in such a clear way đđâ€
I was raised in a triangulated situation. I was a nightmare that I couldn't wake from. To this day my bother is a golden child flying monkey for my mother and it is such a shame. I went NC on my mother and GR on my brother. Only option that works.
my mother successfully estranged me from my entire family through lies, manipulation and what I now understand is triangulation. She made sure I was isolated from everyone else so she can be the only one there for me, creating this false narrative where she's actually helping me with stuff but is actually only taking credit for anything ive ever accomplished. I can now see how my mother has done this with everyone who ever got close to her and it explains why at 63, she's alone, barely any friends and single for the past 10 years. Nobody can bear to stick around her because of her narcissism. I feel bad for her because she's had a traumatic life but that doesnt excuse all the harm she has done to me so Im also very angry with her. At least, now, im seeing things more clearly than ever. Thank you so much Dr Ramani for these videos. I know they dont replace therapy but for the time being, they help me a lot.
Great insight. The trouble is......it takes many years for the people around them to figure it out. The physical toll.......on my siblings is that they are gone (dead) ......drinking, smoking, overeating, etc.......the toll on families is much greater than anyone thinks. Even among my 2 brothers......one lied to the other one up close......can you imagine lying to someone you have known over 50 years? Can anyone believe it?
She didnât mention how the narcissist uses family and friends to triangulate you after the break up⊠My ex is contacting my mom for holidays and tried to add her on Facebook. So is his mom đ she used to do wellness checks EVERY Monday when quarantine 1st started đ€Šđœââïž
My ex husband did that, too. I told my family they sucked. So disloyal! So inapprpriate! Even my own parents! They realized years later, when they found out he lied to them about having cancer. They were all.mad, at the time, that I had "just left that poor man with Cancer." I even said, " He does not have cancer." They still believed him.
Rainbo wooooow!! What a shame. My exâs mom really has cancer but donât think sheâs not milking it
yeah, they use social media like freaks. It's the ultimate fake tool. I saw my ex boyfriend post a video of himself sky-diving with a new girlfriend and making out right after he divorced his wife and 3 kids. He never changed. He's a psychologist too.
@@SinMore omg! Are you serious?? So heâs giving advice while heâs a sicko himself?? Oh wow!! I thought this lady I knew was possibly a narcissist or just overused social media, and she is a clinical therapist as well đ
Some narcs use a combination tactic of baiting and then triangulation. Never saw it coming. Thanks for your videos. I really enjoy them and they always hit home.
Sorry to say, I despise narcs
I knew I was working in a toxic place along time ago. I just thank the Lord he gave me a better push to a better job. I no longer have to put up with a toxic work place
Oh my god. The narcissist I was married to would like inappropriate pictures of women on instagram and blame me for being insecure. I'm so thankful for the validation and understanding this video provides.
Even in the narcissistâs dying days, he is still triangulating. Thank God there are experts such as Dr. R who educate us so we donât think we are crazy.
You mean she is still triangulating. Most narcs are women especially for triangulating
@@XavierBonapart Far more prevalent in men
I can't thank you enough for this.
Thank you everything makes so much sense â€ïž
Omg, this is hitting home for me, Thank you!
Your videos have been so educational and it has cleared up some experiences that I have had. You are a true gift.
As the scapegoat of a narcissist Iâm so glad to know what strength and integrity I have. It wasnât always easy and I had to quit alcohol to see more clearly. Fast forward to my spouse trying the ole triangulation with one of her pawns â and I had the wherewithal to say âguess someone is missing their chaosâ and left within 24 hours. How did I know to say that through devastating pain? Iâd like to thank my spirit guides, good friends and intuition! I feel like Iâm receiving an Oscar. Go Dr R đđȘđŒ
My mother does this with my older sister, she often puts me on a high pedestal,even thoughmy sister lives right next to her and is there to support her, frankly it makes me feel bad when she shows favoritism to me, and devalues her, I love my sister and I feel HORRIBLE, I wish my mother would treat my sister the same way she treats me
It's so nice that you recognize that... Give some emotional support to your sister!
@@gioovannabp yes, it is rare that a golden child sees this. Did you speak to your sister?
My mom always had a "favorite" w/us 3 girls & then the grandkids toođ We always felt bad for the other sisters though. We were all very close growing up & stuck together.
My mom's 'golden child' ended up running off, on drugs, leaving her kids with me & my husband to raise... She never looked back. My other sister is my best friend today đđ We both see my mom for what she is.
Wow this is exactly what my mother does! I too am the golden child and my sister absolutely hates me for it. She once said on Facebook âmy mom only cares about Rhonda I hate both those stupid bitches!â I was so hurt because itâs not my fault our mom is putting us against each other why would you attack me? đą
@@rmanney100 I am also a golden child. I understood and solved complex situations faster as a child. For this, I was loved greatly by my parents and everyone. Much like a child with an advanced personality. My sister suffered because she really really struggle with getting things right so she always get the end of the stick always. My sister hates my guts and doesn't like me even till today.. and early on she became narcissist without empathy, constantly mean, constant outburst of anger and always paranoid. I suffered terribly in her hands...I lost my self esteem, focus, drive, though am getting myself back now. So don't take it personal, it's not your fault.
I Just want to thank you so much. Been Watching all your videos, they have really given me clarity on Wtf just happened in my relationship!! Thank you, now I have understanding!
This was my life with the narcissist... He used my daughter for his triangulation as the golden child, and I was the scapegoat. To make a very long and sad story short, my daughter and I are estranged.
So sad :(
Such valuable information and perfectly described with all the nuances. The chess analogy is perfect. Once again, so grateful for you on this Easter morning. Blessings to you, Dr. Ramini!
After an afternoon, spent with a friend couple I was told â I was impressed how submissive your friend was. She would give up her opinion and all her needs to make her husband to feel superior. She must love him a lot. It must be the greatest love Iâve seenâ. And that was out of nowhere, after talking about the great day we had. Then (after the trigger and the following argument) he said âI donât understand why are you bringing this up if it bothers you so much, we were just talking about the nice day we hadâ. I feel so thankful I found you, doctor Ramadi! Thank you!
I love love love the way you explain everything so clearly that it makes me see through everything they've done. My favorite part is when you explain why. Although I knew I was being manipulated I never could understand why & that question has felt like a festering disease for too long. Thank you!
Thank you for this movie! It has clarified some crucial issue to me. It's a great relief to understand what is happening, especially when it started in the childhood. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and experience in those professional movies!
Love this series, Doctor Ramani! These terms are so commonly used but we never hear someone explain them with such depth. Thanks for creating this for us. I appreciate the time and detail you put into your work.
Hated that me and my sisters had to go through this and still struggle to bond. But thank you so much for shedding light. đ
Glad you also have your own channel and I'm not stuck having to watch the other one only.
Dr. Ramani thank you for all your short videos on this type personality. God bless you.
Defining the different types of Narcissists would be great. And maybe a "red flag" checklist to make sure we do not fall for a narcissist again. Your videos have given me so much strength and clarity. Thank you!!!
I always wondered about triangulation since I started learning about borderline personality disorder and studying it reading about it. I like the way you cut to the chase. You don't drag us out and make us watch and listen. You're willing to tell us what it means and then go into the explanation. That style holds my attention longer than anything
It is truly delightful to listen to you. Thank you.
You are doing such incredible work. Youre like an anchor and a lighthouse all in one.đđđ
I was triangulated with everyone. In particularly, his female smoking buddy at work. She was a foreigner, "good girl" and married woman of a twenty+ year marriage. He left me for her in the beginning of the year. He didnt want me to sleep over new year's day after sleeping over at my place new years eve. They had already planned to be together but never told me. He said I was the sweetest person he knew and one of the loves of his life the last time we spoke. He is living with her now. He has no income. It's hard to believe after six years and all the physical and verbal abuse, that I was discarded like a piece of trash. I dont think this pain and anxiety in my heart will ever wane.
It will, trust me. As soon as you accept that you were mislead and in love with a sick person who will never find happiness himself, you'll get over it. Learn from the experience and try to move on whenever you're ready.
RG, the faster you go no contact and that includes watching what heâs doing or not doing, the better you will feel. Do all those things youâve been doing for the relationship and do JUST FOR YOU. It feels selfish at first but soon youâll get the hang of it and it will be normal. Wishing you strength and joy đđȘđŒđŹ
@@westernalliance796 Thank you. I'm in no contact. I understand he sick, but this anxiety that I never had before is difficult to ignore. I am grateful you took time to encourage me. Thank you
@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 Thank you for the advice. I blocked him on social media and am not in contact with him. It's hard to accept and the anxiety is pretty rough. I appreciate your advice and you taking the time to pass it along. Thank you so much.
ResidentGroupie
Ouch! After the sting subsides you will see that although it hurts like hell, that you were spared. Itâs a Blessing wrapped in pain. He released you, but he may come back to toy with you. Stay true to you đȘđŒ
my ex narc best friend used to talk about other friends comparing them to me and how certain things reminded her of them, so I'd try to be better than them and started to compete with people I didn't know in my mind.
This is exactly what my friend is doing. She also talks too much about me to others. It feels like they might get annoyed with me by not even knowing me. Then she overshares about them. I blamed myself for being jealous but thatâs not it. It just feels really weird
This is truth. Thanks Dr. Ramani! Happy Easter!
Thank you Dr. Ramani!!!!!!!!!
I ONLY wish I'd seen this 20 years ago. How many hours of my precious life I've spent trying to understand this on my own. I just didn't know. Thank you so so so so much for the suggestions for changing the pattern. It's hard to hear the hardest parts of your life... hearing what I can DO helps so so so so much! Thank you!
I use to always fall for this BS. Never feeling adequate. Now I don't care and I think the narc senses that and it drives him crazy. I am enough
M J You ARE enough. I feel you there.
They cannot stand it when you are a whole person.
@@heatherstacy2976 yup, like " how dare you think you're a person without me " . They need our energy so badly and resent us for it. Stay strongâ€ïž
Thank God for this channel omg! Thank you. I feel so liberated and validated. I literally thought I was the crazy one for wanting to be in a relationship with 1 person and not an entire group of people. When I spoke to her about this issue in our relationship she said "why are you letting such small little things get to you?" đ€·ââïž.
I am so grateful to you and this information is "right on" !!! Chaos is at play in these situations and thank you for the term triangulation.
So nice to learn from such a profound mind. Thank you Doc!