What Childhood Verbal Ab*se DID TO YOU
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My mom was a bully who would rage and scream at me until I started crying, then she would mock me for crying. "Oh, you're gonna cry now?" My brother got it worse, but he was a lot more stoic and rarely cried. Now in my 50s, I've managed to have a few slightly civilized conversations with my now elderly mom about our past. She still blames us for being problematic children. Her conscious belief is that parenting is a two-way street with the child, and that the children are as obligated to meet the parent's needs as vice-versa, and we were at fault for not holding up our end. Kicker to this story? My brother and I are adopted, so my mom presumably went through some sort of screening process to determine her fitness for parenting. My mom can be very delightful around people and it makes me sick to imagine how she probably charmed the pants off any social worker she encountered. She should never have been allowed within ten miles of a child.
I'm so sorry Lou💐You and your brother deserved so much better😔💔I hope life has gotten better for you since your traumatic abused childhood or I hope life will at least give you blessings going forward after enduring so much hardship and betrayal from your narcissistic adoptive "momster"😟💛
"I'll give you something to cry about!"
Heck some of us biological kids had Children's Services come out to our homes due to some complaint...But of course the fast-talking charming narc parent(s) oftentimes FOOLED them🤢.And do you 💭 most kids will tell the TRUTH about these monsters anyway?Most of us grew up TERRIFIED of our narc parent(s)😤.Social workers need MUCH more education in regards to Cluster B personality disorders & narcissistic abuse.
@@malwads1836 IDK about "more educated". I think it's a matter of the professional's natural ability to read between the lines, hone in on non-verbal cues, have some capacity as an empath, make eye contact when communicating and have some fcuking guts. Probably people like that aren't plentiful and difficult to filter. You might to be shocked to know how highly educated medical professionals can be complete duds in reading cues or connecting dots (perhaps on purpose or perhaps they don't care or cuz they got INTO med school for the wrong reasons). Then, there's also the factor of whether the cure is worse that the disease.
WOW, I am so sorry for you....bless Kimberly
As a child that suffered emotional, verbal and physical abuse. Thanks to wonderful people like Dr Ramani I am finally healing at 47 years old . ❤
Me too! Thank heavens we have a future where we can be free.
❤ me too
The pain is immeasurable, but so is your strength...you can do it!
41 and same.
Same age and same place. Stay strong my non-related siblings!
Not every human should reproduce. If someone hasn’t worked out their own problems, they shouldn’t pass it down the line. Being a parent is the highest privilege, and yet, so many bad ones out there.
@residentexpat8804
Being A Parent Is Also Very Serious
and Very Critical Business
As Well Too,
Nothing To Be Taken Lightly
At All By Any Means,
If I Can Thoroughly Understand,
Me Being A Single, Childless
37 Year Old
Black American male.
My therapist had to repeat "Yelling *is* verbal abuse." Many times over many sessions for it to kinda sorta start to sink in. Yelling was so normalized in my family of origin that it didn't register at first. If yelling is verbal abuse, then I endured a shit ton of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse was the norm!
See, I don't believe yelling is verbal abuse ...
I think it's more like someone's inability to control the loudness of his / her mouth , especially when being psychologically abused ..
We're only human , after all .
And we can take only so much .
@@susanazinger2525 You make a good point. I'd say not all yelling is verbal abuse and the lines can be very blurred.
That being said ... I hate being yelled at or even yelling myself. I'm in my mid-fifties, I believe there are better ways. Do I sometimes still fail and lose my temper? Yes. And after that I try to analyze what went wrong ;)
My ex was even worse than my mother. Then I realized that I had married someone just like my mother on steroids! My son said that in Army Basic Training the drill sergeants yelled at him less than his mother/my ex! Truly sad.
Sam Vaknin: Verbal abuse entrains the brain. The abuser creates in your brain specific wave patterns.
Examples of verbal abuse:
- name-calling
- guilt trips
- gaslighting
- criticism
- threats
- blaming
- manipulation
- humiliation
- spreading lies
- minimizing someone's experiences of feelings
- screaming
Same for me
The insults and put downs in childhood leaving a lasting effect. It affects your self worth and self esteem. It prevents you from doing a lot of things you may have done. It alters the course of your life and also the positive impact you may have otherwise made on other people.
So true! ❤
Fact!!!! I often think about what my life may have been if I could have overcome this earlier in life. Just fantasy I suppose.
It does have a lasting effect. Mostly self sabotaging in my case.
@hdvette64 I don't know if it is fantasy or not. We'll never know is the point, I suppose. The drive to even try is destroyed, and we lose our essence and abandon our interests and talents. 😢
@@cc1k435 100% spot on!
Despite what the cult of toxic positivity says about how "you can get over anything if you just put your mind to it", verbal abuse can be absolutely devastating. Some people never *fully* recover from it.
Absolutely correct. I am 75 and still haven't, despite years of therapy and earning a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology.
I agree with you. I am 55 and I am still dealing with trauma. I’ve worked so hard. I’ve been in therapy for years. Both group and individual. I’ve done inner child work. Shadow work. I’ve done journaling. I went no contact with my malignant narcissist abusive mother 15 years ago. I really put my mind to it to get over it, and guess what? I’m still not over it. I don’t think I will ever get over it.
I don’t think there’s any shame in not being able to get over it. We are only people. Therapy doesn’t work for me because I’m so negative that my mind tells me “I’m so worthless I have to pay someone to tell me otherwise.” That’s how bad it is. It doesn’t help that I was told that at a young age by adults who mocked me because of how my mother was. They assumed I was like her even though I didn’t have the brain damage like her and my clinical IQ has impressed people in the past. But still I fear abandonment and rejection and I don’t think I had it as bad as other people. I never felt worthy of love. I aged out of foster care. Even though I’m married and have a daughter it’s hard to believe my own family loves me because I’ve been told over and over by people that I didn’t deserve to even be born. My biological mother is still alive. She did nothing wrong. I think she’s lucky to be blissfully unaware of what the people who took her precious child have said about her. I love my mother even though she was treated as less. I talked with her on the phone and hearing her gush about how proud she is of me. My mother who is brain damaged thinks more of me than the people who took me away because they thought she was unfit. And I wept because I held hatred for her for so long for having brain damage and being judged by social workers and picked on because of what she couldn’t help. I weep because I realized that I should have never been taken from her. And I’m angry at myself for not seeing it for so long. No I don’t have abusive parents. But I’ve been taken from a kind soul and placed with narcissistic wolves who convinced me that my mother and I were worthless. I’m sorry for rambling and writing for so long. I didn’t realize I needed to get it out of my system like this.
@@bethwaller1789But you have come this far and been able to help others! God Bless you!
I like "healing" better than "recovery" because narcissists and their enablers treat the concept of recovery as the victim acting as if the abuse they suffered never happened, and they want that in order to keep on abusing them without those pesky breaks in the cycle. It feeds, in my opinion, into the narrative that if the victim would just "Get Over It" everyone could get back to (ab)Normal.
But when I think of healing, it feels compassionate and centered around the person who was hurt and is learning not to move on but just to move - to move freely, without being judged and traumitized anymore - and to progress towards whatever THEY want. The pain was already inflicted. It can't be erased or forgotten, and we don't owe it to our abusers or to their flying monkeys to pretend otherwise. The experience is part of us, and trying to cut it out or amputate it fixes nothing. But we can try to process and to grow and to eventually not have it be the only thing that defines us - or how we define ourselves. There was another recent video on this channel with the quote "These are my Battle Scars", and as the adult child from a family of 2 narcissistic (and both very verbally abusive) parents that resonated with me a lot.
Narcissistic parents also guilt trip their children because it wasn't physical abuse, after all. Implying "you got off easy, kiddo."😮
Yes, they try to justify their emotional and verbal abuse as "not real abuse". Their parents abused them so we don't know what we're talking about. It's mental gymnastics.
Absolutely true.
Oh, for sure, they do this. They're basically saying you have no idea what real abuse is because they endured far worse, so consider yourself lucky.
...like any decent human being would *want* anyone to endure the abuse they endured. A decent human being would go out of their way to PROTECT children so they never have to experience that level of abuse, neglect, and worse (but narcissists are NOT decent human beings).
Yes, they also play it off and say “I was doing the best I could” as if that’s a substitute for a real apology and reckoning/accountability for what they did
@@stephanier6783Exactly!!!Those of us that genuinely care about our kids MAKE A POINT to protect them from having to feel the pain of abuse like we did.There's parents that will take a LITERAL bullet in the name of protecting their kids!
2:22
"Can harm a person's mental health far into adulthood"
I can remember things my dad said to me when I was 4 years old..... this is so true.
same as me, it’s emotional abuse!
Same here
Me too
yup same..
The abuse I went thru in childhood has ruined my whole life.
I am so sorry to hear this ... i hope you can find some relief and healing
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you so very much. I am taking it day by day.
Teaching these narcissistic parents will NEVER work, because they're too self-absorbed. Nothing can ever be their fault. It's the people around them who need to change - not them (in their opinion).
I keep to myself go through my hermit times because being out there can be too much. When my parents died I felt relief. I cried from relief at 65 and 70. I’m now well into my 70’s and finally have some peace in my life.
This is more common than a lot of people will admit: relief after a parent or parents died.
Always thank God i got married and left, then my alcoholic mother died within a year and my father got married again and got repaid for all that he did and that we didn't have to take his responsibility...
happy for you!
Now that I have my memories back of what she did to me, I'm glad I froze up when she was dying and didn't think to give her any waters. Seems a fitting punishment for her SCREAMING in my face when I was 7 (and onward) about my father and his mess ups. All I really remember is the sheer panic and terror and trying to hide from my own mother.
That’s such a real thing. When I broke down at my dads funeral my just as horrific mother was happy to see that I was properly grieving unlike my awful unemotional brother.
I told her my only grief was over the fact that he always had the potential to be a great parent but chose instead to be a violent raging bully. I was crying because I was so relieved he was finally gone.
He was a monster. I didn’t realize she was worse than him until he was gone and she didn’t have the martyrdom to put on display as a victim anymore.
I’m happy you’re free of them, and wish you the best of your life to enjoy now.
Verbal abuse was normalised and common in the household I grew up in. I grew up listening to shouting, screaming, yelling parents.
Yes I thought it was perfectly normal! My dad and I never took part in the yelling but it was always there lurking not knowing when it would start again😢
yep 24/7
24/7 yelling when I was growing up. My parents used the we were yelled at too look at how we turned out🙄
My Mom used to always make me feel unattractive and like something was 'wrong' with me. Sadly, now that I am aging and losing my youthful glow, those voices have come back and I am having a hard time, but I will be okay. Love to all on your Healing Journey.
Exactly the same here!
))))Hugs((( @@carolinemarty1
Same.
If you have any old photos of yourself have a look at them- I found that I look younger at 60 than I did at 16, simply due to getting away from the abuse. The eyes give away the abuse.
You also clearly have more love to give than she did, and deserve to tell yourself those words you need to hear including out loud.
My mother had a very horrible childhood and watching these make me love her more because she raised me with love and kindness. She did discipline me but not the way she was. My well-being was so important. She was the parent she had wanted with me.
Wow, I am your mom, when I say I am the mother I wish I had, but my history has a happy ending, because my narc abuser, was an aunt that never had children and since my mom was very poor, I come from a 3rd world country, my grandmother on my father side to leave me there because she was not able to feed me, my grandma was poor too so she couldn’t provide for her and them my other aunts and uncles, my father was young 20, so she put me against my mother all these years, after I found out about what a Narc is was game over, I knew she was a Narc and all this time she lied about my mother, I was the mother I wish I had, funny or sad thing is that my biological mother is so sweet and loving, I am very happy for you, you look like you are an amazing daughter, I think God and the universe blessed us by giving amazing loving children, because not always loving parent get loving children!
People who go through abuse but break the cycle are some of the best people IMO ❤
❤
Please someone, make certain this lovely lady's mother reads this and KNOWS how well she has done.
This brought a sweet tear to my eye.
Verbal abuse is absolutely insidious. I used to wish my father would hit me so that I could FINALLY get a break from the emotional and verbal eviscerations he conducted every single day, and have a physical mark that would definitively prove that I was being abused at home.
Ditto!
I was verbally & emotionally abused throughout my childhood. By my mother, and later my stepmother who kicked me out of my father’s home when I was 17. (Yeah, my father was a true empath who married two narcs 😓).
Of courses, in these days I knew nothing about narcissism. But I knew something was not right! And no one stood for me, my father was too weak and my siblings were enablers.
I remember WISHING to be beaten…..I thought this way maybe people will protect & defend me.
But it never happened, so all my scars are inside. I’m now 56, but it still hurts….
Some parents know where to hit so no bruises give them away.
These are a few of the things my malignant narcissist father said to me nearly every day:
-"I'll beat the living daylights out of you"
-"I'll break every bone in your body"
-"you'll be sorry..."
Amazingly, everyone else in my narcissistic family saw all of the abuse and still participated in scapegoating me. The less I have to do with these people, the better.
you did not deserve it.
I’m so sorry to hear this. You’re important, you deserved safety and love. ❤
ugh I feel you. That last part, too, about joining in on the scapegoating and bullying. Same here. I can't even totally blame my sibling for that though...that was their survival tactic. But having been adults for a long time now, I'm over it. And refuse to take it. So, yes. Distance is key.
Some of the most toxic and damaging childhood abuse comes from siblings 😔
The unreal cruel things my mother said to me are seared into my brain.
Decades later it's actually more painful than at the time since I now realize the cruelty of it all, the fact that she actually meant it, never apologized for any of it, and pretends nothing happened.
I can't even repeat the things she said; it's that traumatizing.
It's a lifelong battle to get past the trauma, the abuse, the generational dysfunction, her projection, and her demons, even though I've been no contact for a long time.
She's old now.
I won't be attending any funeral.
She went on a massive smear campaign against me as well, making sure my relationships with my siblings, my father, and all who used to know me are destroyed also.
I realized my pain is actually her pleasure.
And this is my mother!
There is no way I'm going to "honor" my tormenter in death.
Neither will i forgive her.
The best i can do is try not to hate this person I loath and leave the rest up to God.
You’re not alone. I am now 28 and realizing there’s a Barbie animated series about my life in the last two decades… surviving narc abuse from my family and other female narcs in my childhood.. especially my mother.. I’ve manifested into a real life Barbie villain… so that’s lovely.
Same here.
Yeah, it's the knowing they meant it that really messes a person up. I managed to raise my child with none of the BS, so I feel I actually won ;)
The MYTH that all mothers/parents love their children adds to the harm of this abuse. In reality, there have *always* been mothers who are incapable of love and that has NOTHING to do with our lovability and worth! We just got duds! ❤❤
Please find someone to talk to about what she said that hurt you.
My physically and verbally abusive narcissistic mom beat me bloody, I recall she broke my glasses on one occasion while hitting me and blamed me for it. At 8 years of age I was told to lie about the cause of my split lip or bruises, perhaps she realized she couldn’t cover it up with childhood falls. Yet the mocking and cruel things she said to and about me were shocking and shameful and hurt more than the physical blows.
When I was finally able to share the story with a therapist, then a support group, I felt a great sense of lightness as I also heard other people’s stories. I realized I wasn’t the horrible person she made me out to be. It’s important to be heard and supported especially as our society glorifies moms. People don’t want to believe in monster moms. So find a therapist/group who can help you, sharing is a good step to healing.
I think my most shameful experience of recovering from verbal abuse as a child is how I thought it was normal to fight like that. I thought it was normal to call a person terrible and mean names in an argument or during a moment of conflict. In my recovery from my childhood, I have learned that I engaged in verbal abuse because I thought it was normal and I cannot be more ashamed of myself for it. Only with the love of a patient partner have I found more compassionate ways to approach conflict.
Yes, I say things the way they were said to me. Ooops, sorry :(
Anytime I even THINK about my mother I get anxious and want to curl up under the covers. She terrorizes me in my thoughts even 50 years later. Thankfully, her flying monkey (my stepfather) died a few years ago so she is ALONE.
I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. I hope you have some supportive people in your life now, and you never have to see your abusive mother again. ❤
Since your step-father passed away, has your mother gotten better, with how she is towards you?
Talking to my mom always made me feel like she filled me full of poison and I wouldn't feel right for a couple weeks afterward. I always hoped to find a way to mentally detox.
I still have flashbacks of my mother's screaming rages. Anything set her off. I didn't clean her bathroom perfect enough. Later on, in my own place she started screaming because the TV I bought wasn't American made. I understand so well why you might want to crawl under the covers.
"Hopeless, Worthless and Useless" -- that was my father's mantra for me my entire childhood and teen years growing up. Occasionally even now, ( I'm 59) he still says it ... and it has affected my entire life negatively. It's hard - nearly impossible - to get those words out of my head even with having trauma therapy these past two years. And when his verbal abuse was directed at Only me, not my brother or sister, it compounds the pain 10xs over.
Leave.
Tell your father to shut his mouth, and remind him, that you're 59 years old, and that his parental authority over you, is over, and has been for several years now
Next time he says it, just ask him if he’s looking in a mirror.
I know that one; I still remember something from many years ago, my mum fell up the stairs in a department store and I went to help her , she pushed me away telling me that I was useless and waited for my niece to help her, waiting about another ten to fifteen minutes for her. It still hurts.
I think that many parents need to tell their children their worries, tell kids what they're feeling instead of telling them that ' it doesn't matter' or 'don't worry about it'. Children worry about their parents a lot and being included helps a lot!
At 61, as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mom, who physically, emotionally, & verbally abused me, I've spent a lifetime seeking & working to heal, overcome depression, anxiety, & stepping toward people who hurt & used me. Thank you, Dr Ramani, for videos that help me gain knowledge, validation, understanding, & more healing.
Looking back as an adult as you are, do you have ideas about how a close outsider (such as a grandparent) could have intervened for you?
Same age here. Also had a ton of verbal abuse from two narcissist parents. It has, indeed, taken a lifetime. I am far better now than I used to be ... but the damage never goes away. I have just learned to manage it better and not let it affect others. To say I loathe and despise my parents is a massive understatement.
Sounds like you've lived a life of a shell of yourself and now you're 60 its pretty much over, your message doesn't give me hope, it makes me depressed like even 60s yo's don't get it, its too late.
Been there too. Yes a lifetime of anxiety and depression, and trusting nobody
@@dmbdmb3828I'm 45 and I wish someone would have told me when I was 15 Your mother is a liar It's not your fault. She will never appreciate you, and she will not ever change.
I have PTSD from childhood verbal abuse. If I hear anyone yelling, I have a panic attack and shut down mentally, even if it’s nothing to do with me. I’m working on finding better ways to regulate, but it’s not easy. I’m glad this kind of abuse is coming out into the light.
I’ve felt like crap about myself all my life, no matter how much therapy I go through
My mother used to yell and throw scary tantrums at me. She called me every dirty name in the book. She scared me to death. This happened on most nights when she came home from work. She was a narcissist.
Yes, I had blocked it out, only recently remembered. My mother started doing that to me when I was 7, after 'the divorce'. Would come home and just SCREAM in my face. If I seemed peaceful or happy seemed to be what set her off. She'd follow me around the house, screaming at me. I'd try to hide, she'd move whatever it was I was behind or under and just keep screaming. It stopped a few years later when she married her second husband, and I was so grateful she stopped that I completely buried it.
This did NOT change how it messed up my life. I've always felt that at any moment, someone could just burst in the door at me, screaming. And never understood why. I've always trusted people I really shouldn't as my ability to tell if someone meant well for me was messed up by my mother. She admitted a week before she died that she'd always been jealous of me and had been sabotaging me my entire life. Her final 'play', as it were. Because yes, that really messed me up. I'd kind of always known, but hadn't realized it was intentional.
At the end of the day, I managed to raise a lovely young daughter who is now raising a lovely young daughter in a loving and caring way :) So I won! :D Did not continue 'that way of being'.
Yelling at kids is one thing, but it's the content of the yelling that hurts most. I've experienced verbal attacks, threats of suicide, abandonment, and being put into care, to name just a few. It's left me with devastating effects, well into middle age. It's also very hard to 'pin down', or tell others about, unlike physical/sexual abuse, but is no less harmful. Thanks for the great content, Dr Ramani.
The emotional abuse makes it harder to become a confident survivor of all the other abuse forms. Its an insidious underpinning of self-doubt and guilt which magnifies self-sabotage and hinders healing and development. Physical wounds heal, obvious abusers are easier to understand, but constant antagonism and emotional abuse are deep scars, agreed man.
I agree. I've yelled at my kids to "cut it out, how many times do I have to tell you stop running in the house, watch it", etc... A far cry from the "You make me sick, I can't stand the sight of you, you're so f*n stupid..." Then there was the, "I know where you sleep at night" or, "You're going to get hungry some time", once I got too fast to catch. Yeah, good times. Can't imagine why I'm LC.
@@TheWTFMattI used to wish my father would just go ahead and hit me because, one the angry tirade might be over, and then I would have a focus for the underlying anger I felt. I knew this was not how fathers should act, but I didn't process it as abuse because I wasn't physically abused. My sister says "Physical and sexual abuse make you hate your abuser; verbal abuse makes you hate yourself." Wishing you all peace and healing
@@kathynicholson103 thank you, your sister is very wise 🙏🙏
@@TheWTFMatt Born out of pain; she got the worst of it. Happy to say we are all emotionally healthy as adults (mostly!), but Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped me SO much. ✌️
I grew up as a scapegoat in a dangerous home filled with physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. So of course I married a narcissist. I was constantly told I was "a brainless sh**head who would never amount to anything", so I had a toolbox full of ugly, abusive tools which I refused to use on my precious children. When my frustration reached the boiling point, and I felt the urge to harm my kids with my words, I would run from the room. I would close myself in the bathroom and beg God to protect them. After I pulled myself together and was sure I wouldn't harm them I went back and calmly talked with them. Years later I learned my son experienced that as abandonment. I thought I was protecting them, but I still hurt them. 😢
I can totally understand this I am also going through same thing, i left him 2 yrs ago but now going through hardship of divorce process. He's using my 8 yr old to hurt or control me. I tried not to harm my daughter verbally but sometimes I figure out his tactics that he's using with her and i am trying different ways to explain it to her but she didn't get it bcz she's not mature enough. In this process when I feel helpless irritated feels like i am not doing enough to protect her i loose my cool.
We all try to do the best we can. We weren't taught by example, so we're trying to just figure it out. Please give yourself some grace and 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 for recognizing the incoming storm and at least *trying* to course correct! 😊
When we know better, we do better.
I was not anything close to a perfect parent. And I came from a family of abusers .
I hope I did a small bit to raise them right.
Hug your Momma❤️
It was a wild ride with five wonderful daughters. All are wonderful human beings 🙏💗
*SMH*
Just you being able to hear your son and hold space for his feelings of abandonment is such a big deal, and not something you ever had as a child 💜 you did and are doing your best which is way more than any of our parents ever did
Bullying was allowed in my house. I’d just walk into a room and the first thing I’d hear from my 3 older brothers is “God, you’re ugly.” “Everything that’s wrong in this house is your fault.” My mother said “Well, you don’t want to trounce down on boys too much, so just ignore it.” Lots of hitting, and they were older and bigger than me. But, I was not a victim! I’ve developed some awesome verbal skills, and an understanding of how people feel when they are bullied, and have no defense. My parents thought it was “normal” for kids to fight. I guess it is, to a certain degree, but we were at the level of armed combat. “Just ignore it” is what I was told. Just ignore it? Do the impossible? Don’t react? I couldn’t wait to get out of there and have a kind and peaceful home of my own!
Same. I was bullied at school and then at home. My brother would even bully me in front of his friends in highschool I got pushed into a wall walking to class.
I hope you do now have a kind and peaceful home life ❤🩹
Sometimes people act like they're doing you a favor
by talking sh*t to you like they're helping you realize
they are right and you are wrong. Believe in yourself.
If they knew anything themselves they’d shut their mouth and not talk bs😊
I’m almost 40 and still trying to heal from verbal abuse from my dad, and watching the toxic, verbally abusive, codependent relationship between my parents. I do not blame my parents for mistakes I made, but I can say they paved the most pot-holed, destructive path for me as an adult. I sometimes worry I’ll never recover from it all.
You will💜
Im glad I had my daughter at 38. I had a few years to decide and learn how to raise her differently than my parents raised me. My parents weren't the worst, they tried to do their best, but they were raised in very unhealthy families.
Im not a perfect parent, but I know my daughter is better and I see her raising a healthier child.
Thank you for this, for everything Dr. Ramini ❤
My narcissistic mother had me at 36 and yet she never learnt how to be a good mother. She remained immature and egotistic as ever. I learnt from her cousin that her father spoilt her and condoned and praised everything she said or did..
Well put. My mom had a very disrupted childhood and I know now, she did the best she could raising me. It was only after my father passed away did she acknowledge her bad behaviour to him and to myself. I know she feels a lot of regret and guilt. It's taking me a while to forgive her, the hurt is always just below the surface, but I know she is genuine.
Emotional abuse is the least accepted form of abuse so sad, from my own life situation asked for help and got nothing , we can’t really prove emotional abuse SMH
Me too. It is infuriating
It's even worse when your mother has the outside world convinced that the sun shines from her behind. Nobody believes you. You feel as if you are going mad. After I first left home, I used to wake up sweating and shaking just from hearing her voice in my dreams. It was such a relief to find she wasn't there....
@@dale8048 I have the night terrors with the night sweats. 15 years in therapy and I still have them. Prazosin has helped keep it to a minimum. Spending an entire night trying to not be murdered by your parents is exhausting even if it is just a nightmare.
4:50 I read these comments and feel like I'm living in a house of mirrors. I relate to all of these, especially the comments from people who experience the misunderstanding and blame of others. There are so many who believe my narcissistic mother is "an angel, a breath of fresh air, and a jewel..."
She is a life long con artist who now, as an elderly person, has sympathy of many.
Yes, often I feel I'm going mad😢.
I
My parents' emotional abuse on me and my siblings really messed us up. We never suceeded in life.
When i was very young, I overheard my dad telling my physically abusive mother that she had to stop hurting me.
It wasn't for my benefit, however. Since i had become defiant and started running away from her, he was afraid that she/they would be found out. My mother then went on to destroy me mentally and emotionally as i grew up, with a few sneaky slaps across my face, and dad backed her every step of the way.
Years later, upon being called out on the abuse, dad smugly repeats, "that depends on how you define abuse", or, "I'm sorry you feel that way".
My mother literally thinks she's mother Theresa. She actually says it out loud without shame.
Ain't no resources can get through that level of psychopathy.☠️
Sounds like my mother ,but my dad did nothing to stop it .
Their selective memory and reframing of history is usually quite impressive and disgusting.
I was verbally abusive, like my parents, it just felt so normal. Before my partner and I had kids he said he wouldn't tolerate being treated like that and he wouldn't tolerate the kids being treated like that. I'm more empathic than either of my parents and I still felt like I was making drastic changes in my life. It took years and it was such hard work. It was brutal.
I waited until well into my 30's to try to have a family because I was afraid I would treat a child the abusive way I had been treated...and that behavior was all I knew to mold myself on. After a miscarriage, a tubal pregnancy and the failure of the marriage, I gave up on having a family. But I believe I missed out on an essential part of being human.
Nice you found someone who understood boundaries and you could model them to help you.
As the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother the bs is horrendous. Broke free and never looked back at 17 because I could see how pathetic her life was going. My siblings had a running joke that “it must be your fault” that such and such happened. I finally said “not very funny guys” and they took heed never saying it again. Patterns can be broken. Didn’t even know what all this was called until I married a narcissist. Thank you ex spouse, but most of all thank you Dr Ramani 💐💕
I'm 27 yr old indian girl, who have spend my teenage years in confusion and entering into adulthood being depressed got to understand that what a narcissist parent , verbal, emotional abuse is, seeing domestic violence by my narcissistic father since childhood gave me cptsd, social anxiety,low self-esteem, depression etc. I have gone thru lot of phases & trying to stand up on my feet finding job, studying, doing normal things like other children of my generation is really difficult for me. That wounded child in me gets me even after making efforts to heal. What I learned after learning about all of this is I need a stronger will power to push thru than normal, if a normal healthy person need 100% of their will power to push thru difficulties in life people like us need a 150 or 200% more. And also taking action & doing things for ourselves what we like is also really difficult.
Hey Priyanka.. I feel your pain.. similar situation..lots of love and big hug to you my dear.
@@shilpiprasad2397 thank you for your well wishes and lot's of prayer, love & healing for you too 🙏🏻❤️❤️🩹
You are stronger and more resilient than you think.
@@northstar5919 ❤️🫂
Well put...
I had a reminder of the verbal abuse I experienced when I had to stay with my elderly father a year ago to take care of him. I go to his house, the house I lived in as a teenager, often to fix his meals and give him medication, but that week I was there 24 hours a day because he needed constant care. And the first night, when he got into the stair lift seat and I started up the stairs ahead of him, just knowing he was behind me as I walked up the stairs I could hear him in my mind commenting on the size of my butt, how many “ax handles” wide it was. I hadn’t thought of that in probably 25-30 years, but there it was, and I had to shake it off and pretend I wasn’t bothered just like I used to do when he was actually saying those things to me.
And it’s so strange… I look back at photos of myself and I don’t think I was EVER actually fat. Maybe a little chubby at the most. But he had me convinced that I was, and that I was potentially attractive to boys if I would just DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.
And yet here I am, still, making sure he’s well taken care of.
oof. i too was heavily fat shamed as a kid even though i was never actually overweight--my thyroid shut down when i was 5, and i packed on water weight and plumped out til they started treating it when i was 7. it took a dear friend whose chronic pain medication plumped her out a little to point out to me the difference between the body image i had been taught and had accepted well into my 40s+ ("fat ass") vs how much i actually weighed and what i actually looked like ("slightly underweight" according to one of my doctors). turns out that this friend was fat-shamed growing up, too, but was never actually overweight until she was over 70 and taking pain meds.
Caring for a narcissist is so hard. Sending you best wishes.
I feel for you. The familial bond is strong, even when it does not serve us. I haven't spoken to my mother in about 20 years and I made sure she knows why. You can leave the door open for so long and if they don't want to meet you half way, there's nothing you can do about it.
I was made fun of with my weight too even when i was a size medium or 125/135 lbs. I was just apple shaped.
You have a whole lot more patience than I do. The reality is there are resources which in the US are available to you through your county’s Office for the Aging. Every. Single. County has one. Please call them. You don’t have to deal with this alone and you sure as hell don’t *owe them ANYTHING.*
BEST WISHES to all who believe they “have to” take care of these fossils. Remember, they were nasty kids who grew up to be despicable adults and they have no real friends, no neighbors, no community, members or offspring etc. who wish to deal with these monsters.
They say you can't blame your parents, bull. Nurturing is everything for a kid to grow up and succeed in this brutal world.
My covert narc mother yelled and raged and cussed my dad daily. I was the scapegoat, grew up independent and successful but lived with anxiety and depression. My brother was the golden child. He's an alcoholic and a carbon copy of mom.
I am so glad verbal abuse is finally beginning to be addressed. My mother's verbal abuse still affects me at age 75. Part of the problem for victims is that it's not immediately evident. You can't point at it the way you can with bruises and broken bones and malnutrition. So, you end up hesitant to claim you've been abused at all. And the covert nature of a lot of this is all the more damaging. Thank you for highlighting this issue.
I’m 60 and can still hear the screaming, threatening and swearing that was a daily part of my upbringing. The more I learn about this, the easier it is for me to understand.
I’m 57 and me too.
Every parental trait you listed at 5 minutes in was true of my abusive mother. She was extremely aggressive to people she thought she could get away with being abusive to. She was highly avoidant around most humans--solitary, misanthropic. Also, I think you are absolutely right re. abusers shifting to emotional abuse because it's easier to hide and deny. I have a theory, just based on my own experience, that emotional abuse causes personality and behavior changes in the child that make the child unlikeable to his peers (they don't like or understand a depressed, angry, sad, scared child), leading to further problems with socialization and bullying and all that.
At 58, I'm finally healing from a narcissistic mother. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. I grew up thinking that behavior was "ok" because it came from Mom, but it was not. Many thanks to Dr. Ramani and her videos, I have learned so much, and on my spiritual healing journey. Thank you, Dr. Ramani ❤
I got the same story. I could never do enough or be enough. It's an endless cycle of abuse.
Because I’ve risen above all of my abuse and abusers, I’m paying the ultimate price by being alone and isolated. I’m hated by all of my own family. I’m being watched all the time because they are literally waiting for me to fail a break! Even my own mother is apart of the many members. So, because of this, failing is NOT an option for me! I HAVE to keep head up and keep pushing forward, even though I feel so paralyzed inside by the hurt and pain I feel every single day! I cry at nights but pull it together for the next day.
Only this year did I go to therapy (age 49) to try deal with the trauma that my mother caused by her verbal abuse. She never really shouted, she just said incredibly mean things when she got frustrated, which as a young child I of course internalised. Just before I left home at 19 I was seriously contemplating suicide. Now I know where my anxiety and all the issues i battled my whole life came from and I went no contact last year.
Contact on going no contact!
I got sick and had to move home for many years as an adult. The same abuse I suffered as a kid was still there. One day i told my mom i could die if i didnt get the proper treatment. Her response was
"Who cares?" "If you ask for any more help we'll put you in a home." My dad just died unexpectedly and I thought she would be kinder to me with him not around. Instead she has become even meaner to me.
Multiple members of the family were really good at inserting the words "Who the hell do you think you are?" into any situation where I managed to make any small accomplishment. Win a scholarship or an award at school, etc. I have to say that I can't stand to celebrate anything anymore, holidays and birthdays too, and for that matter, if I won an Oscar or a Nobel Prize, they sure won't ever hear about it from me. 😢
Thank you. Your videos have really helped me. Have so many narcissistic relatives. My father is horrible. He keeps my mom from me. She has dementia and can’t remember how to call. If I call he doesn’t answer when he is mad at me. His abuse has chained me for 58 years. But I am strong part because I know that I am not abnormal
my mom always lamented that all you need is the right anatomy to spawn offspring--there's no testing, no training, nothing. i lament that well-meaning people are expected to be perfect parents with no testing, no training, nothing and that abused kids are expected to grow up perfect despite all the abuse. i know my parents were traumatized badly growing up, so they turned around and traumatized us despite their best efforts not to. my sib's coping mechanism to my arrival was to be a narcissist. i was the scapegoat, truth teller, and whipping boy. i was the only one to seek healing, and i'm thankful to say IT IS POSSIBLE. there is so much available today that i could never dreamed of having access to when i was a kid and needed it most--like this wonderful channel.
Absolutely well said🫶
I still feel the pain from being told " Your a creep, go to your room creep, you make me sick, I don't want to see your face. This said to an 11 year old. I am now 63 and I have learned that I wasn't a bad kid..your videos reinforce that it wasn't my fault..still recovering all these years later..thank you ❤
My father died when I was 20. I'm 42. *Every* time I mess something up, I can still hear my father's voice in my head screaming at me that I'm a worthless piece of sh!t.
But I love my father and I miss him. He was a hard man to grow up with, but he was also a very good father in some very important ways. He was abused (physically and verbally) by his mother and his step-father, and he never knew his real father. He struggled his entire life with manic depression and he really tried hard to be better as he got older and as I was growing out of being a child and just growing into an adult. Who knows how far his healing would have gone if he had lived longer. He was very wise in a lot of ways. He knew he made some bad mistakes raising my sister and he regretted it. Of course I wish he had never treated us the way he did.
I blame him and I don't blame him. I understand and I don't understand. He was a complicated man.
My son is being emotionally abused by his father and I am doing my best to get him away from the narcissist
I am so broken as a woman because of the scapegoating abuse I received as a child. I am 30 now and boy I have a hard time getting through the pain
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for highlighting this important topic. I supervised a Family Court abuse/neglect program for 5 years. I would say about 99 percent of our cases involved personality disorder, usually coupled with substance abuse. Dr. R is right in saying no training program can counter child emotional abuse. I have a cousin with NPD , a pediatrician, who constantly screamed at her son, who grew up to be a drug addict with a criminal record. Since we can’t change the parents, we need programs helping children identify, and understand these toxic behaviors and provide support for reducing and eliminating them. That would only work for older children, but it would be a start.
My father did it the old-fashioned way with physical abuse. I was an extremely quiet, compliant, only-child. I never knew when it was coming. It had nothing to do with me. At one point, I mentally wished for a sibling - but then burst into tears, knowing that a sibling would have made my life even more unbearable.
Life is really good now. I am divorced from a CPAN ex-husband, my children are grown, and I live alone in a calm environment with 3 cats, and a family of crows that visit me each day. ❤
I think the most terrifying thing for me was when my mother would say "wait till your dad gets back home" because he was the one that abused me.
Wowww thats really bad😢
I was always wrong. I’m an adult now and I keep questioning myself and second-guessing myself and giving other people constant benefit of the doubt. It allows other people to try to get an upper hand.
My father never wanted kids and told me many times that I should never have been born. My mother told me I had “bad genes” and was clumsy and not too bright. Both of my parents told me I was too fat and my mother took me to a doctor that put me on little white diet pills in the 8 th grade.
Needless to say, life was a struggle. I’m 68 now and am very happy on my own.
Go figure.
My own childhood experience was very much like those of most commentors here. Mental cruelty, misandry, beatings. At age 70, I can still hear my mother's soul-killing insults and beatings from age four. I think such abusers always get the last laugh. Because they cause their victims to waste their lives convincing themselves that they ARE worthwhile human beings worthy or respect and dignity. And NOT having to swallow pills every day to cope with the anxiety and depression. I have never placed a flower on her grave and I never will.
Same here. It takes a lifetime to feel better. I'm 71 and still struggle with echoes of my mother's cruelty in my head. Hugs to you.
At 60 yrs old & 30 yrs of therapy, I found Dr. Ramani's very helpful, including another helpful site, "The Crappy Childhood Fairy". She, Anna has phenominal videos bcuz she endured childhood abuse & is very helpful. After 30 yrs of therapy, I never knew about Dysregulation, etc. Anna has coping stratagies & advice on what helped her get thru C- PTSD. I am so grateful for these two channels. Finally, there is hope. 😊
Dr. Les Carter is good too
The childhood verbal abuse I suffered has taken me a lifetime to overcome. Following my divorce from my narcissistic ex-husband, I attended some very intense trauma therapy through EMDR. It changed me, because it helped me to deal with past pains and close the door on it. Since then, I have cut many negative people out of my life including my mother.
Looking back at my past, I believe the verbal abuse impacted me far worse than the physical abuse on a very deep level. This could not have been healed without the help of a therapist who specialized in trauma therapy.
Thank you for your wonderful messages, Dr. Ramani. You made a huge impact to my recovery. ❤
My childhood was filled past the brink with verbal abuse from my narcissistic parents and narc sibling, and from school. I'm permanently messed up by it, and no amount of therapy or medication can get rid of the scars from it. This kind of abuse can't hardly be punished like you said; my abusers have never faced any punishment at all from it, not even from me. Every moment, in my mind it's like it's all still happening again, even when I'm alone.
This stuff has to stop, somehow. I wish people had to be screened and tested before they were allowed to become parents x-x... Thanks for this video, this kind of subject doesn't get nearly enough attention.
Two problems with the screening: one, we have a screwed up social service system that doesn't do a good job from protecting kids from bad fosters, or sends the kids back into bad homes. Why should those people be in charge of who has a baby, what, because they have a Master's degree? lol...and two, some of the most charming people are narcissists. They'll be the first to fool one of these "educated" social worker types. No, creating an environment in society where calling your kids B's and Aholes is frowned upon is preferable to me.
Mom’s narcissistic abuse stayed with me far longer than my childhood. It produced an insecure self doubting girl, who didn’t think she’d ever be good enough + who was constantly in search of Mom’s validation. I’m 59. It won’t happen. It didn’t matter how well I did in school, won a typing award, or landed a part time position at the Borough Hall in the town we lived. I was quickly promoted from Receptionist to water + sewer Billing Clerk at age 16, and was told I’d be the Borough Clerk some day. It came very easily for me - I loved to work as it occupied my worried mind. I didn’t think negatively while at work. She scared the crap out of me about child bearing, causing me so much fear that even sex was terrifying. She’d accuse me of things I wouldn’t even think to do, never mind perform the actual act. According to her, I was hanging out with boys + doing God only knows what. I was 18 my first time - she started accusing me since age 14. I told her I would never be intimate with anyone I wasn’t in love with. She called me a loser, under achiever, road runner, just for starts. She said so many times, “you’ll never amount to anything running around with these losers”. They were far from being losers. These things stuck with me for all of my adult life. I’m divorced with many very close friends. Despite all I’ve been through, I can see the light. How a mother treats her children will stay with them forever + can manifest your life, causing a long dark miserable existence. Don’t let this happen to you and most importantly, don’t do it to your children!! ❤
Oh my gosh…this is what I’m currently trying to overcome. My mother has said everything to me from “You’re such a wh0r3, I don’t want anyone knowing you’re my daughter” (this was when I was in college and living on my own when my boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Kauai) to telling her colleagues and friends from back home that I “worked in medicine” when I was working as a patient coordinator at an eye clinic and she didn’t approve of my “marketing” career. Just the tip of the iceberg of the vile, poisonous things she’s said to not just myself, my sisters, but also my brothers, though def not as much as us girls.
I was verbally abused by my mother; this caused me to leave home and school at 15 to get away from her. This lack of education partially caused me to be a failure in life. Of course I realize that many who come from a deprived background become wildly successful, like my wife.
I was raised the only child of a NPD mother, name calling and belittling was the norm, she called me a B and the R word (mentally challenged ppl) like it was my nick name. When I became a teenager, it got so much worse. I would come home, and she would get in my face and threaten me, to knock my teeth out, to beat me within an inch of my life like we were in the streets. She made it clear that she had no love for me. I also had to deal with her envy towards me, the power she had over me as my mother, her hypersexual behavior, having to fend for myself, being isolated, blamed for everything and abandon. It jacked me up so much that in my 20s I couldn't even be social, I felt other from everyone in the room, if someone liked me, I didn't know why, how could they like me? I barely dated because of my low self-esteem, low confidence and I didn't know myself. My mother always told me no man would ever want me, that I was nothing and would always be nothing. Even though I wanted kids, I chose to not have any because I was so damaged and had a lot of anger and rage with NO patience for children. Decades of depression, fantasies of death, isolation and loneliness certain had me not living my life but I'm healing. I really wish verbal abuse was illegal because the damage to the person's soul and spirited is no joke.
You're the closest person I ever came across who was raised and turned out like me, even people with narc parents. I'm 33 never dated or had a boyfriend, because same who would've wanted me, when I was a teenager to early 20s I thought it was a joke or guys being cruel to me if they where trying to be friends with me or flirting with me or just being nice, I always felt like why, I always had trouble meeting people and making friends, so outside of working I've always been a introverted hermit, I'm riddled with anxieties, depression, mental illness, suicide ideation, food addiction and hate with what could have been.
My moms never said a nice word to me in my life, still at my age seeing and dealing with her makes me cry myself to sleep sometimes, I've been called every name you can think of, told to kill myself, I've hated myself since I was 6,I used to hide behind the couch when I was 6, was mute from 7 to 10, kiss where meant to be seen and be heard and only speak when spoken to. I was fat, ugly, good for nothing, a piece of shit, everything that she did wrong or went wrong was my fault, I was a Duke, a man, she world do whatever it took to make me "a girl", she would do whatever it took to treat me down because looking back she was jealous, I was a bitch, I was there to serve and fulfill her weird needs, I stayed working at 14 to help take care of her not too hear her shit, she couldn't handle any type of stress or work so I did whatever I had to for everything to always be perfect so she wouldn't get triggered and go into rages. Anything no matter how minor would trigger a rage even now, she stared crying in the car a few weeks ago because she needed something at the bank and the pertain was only there Tuesday and Thursday (which would've been the next day) and she cried in the car like it was the end of the world (it was a piece of paper she needed to mail with some paper work, she never came to my school, helped with homework, never knew where I worked and what I did, never cared about grades as long a I passed and she didn't have to be bothered. Now she's jealous other people's kids are Dr's, lawyers, engineers and I'm a "loser", or are stay at home moms and people her age have grandbabies and I can't even give her that and I'm a lost cause and she have up on me, like why is that different than since I was born, they never believed in us or encouraged us just destroy, like fuck you bitch in where in at in life because of you, who knows where we could've been in life if we had normal healthy parents or atleast ones who weren't as deranged and the top 99 to 109% percentile, I'm also sure my mom has some other form of mental illness but SEVERE NPD is her main shit, she ruined my life
Slightly beyond the age of adolescence, I considered writing a book entitled, 'Parental Immaturity". I'm not a psychologist, but I thought I had more than enough ideas to fill a book. Just about ever adult that I consulted seemed seriously threatened by my idea. It's as though every adult "wants to sweep such matters under the carpet", and believe that 'your parents have the best intentions for you'.
So much for the powers that be.
There is a book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” it’s helpful.
Having seen my gramna in action, I am right there with you.
As parents, we should lift up, encourage, praise, hang out with and love our kids. But when they pout, throw a conniption fit or throw something, they go to time out based on their age. No insults. No conditional love. No push to compete or win. Just unconditional support and advice when needed.
I grew up being verbally abused daily and now experience depression, anxiety, ptsd, and SI. I'm still trying to heal from those wounds. I wish parents were more aware that words DO hurt. Its not just sticks and stones as I was told growing up.
All of that! My mother got it from her mother; a woman long dead but whom I still refuse to acknowledge as my grandmother.
There were 5 of us kids with me being the youngest. I experienced the same dehumanizing and humiliating treatment as all but one of the others; my sister. My mother loathed her and treated her horrendously publicly and privately.
I was treated to the same physical and psychological abuse as my siblings...UNTIL they one by one got old enough to begin doing more adult things and were around less until they eventually moved out.
My treatment changed as each one grew and spent more time away from my mothers influence. That's when I got a hybrid version of abuse. A version tailored by my mother just for me. My mother belittled and verbally assaulted my father relentlessly; just like I had seen her mother do to my beloved grandfather. (My mother's mother pushed my grandfather down and broke his hip. He never came out of the hospital alive).
I digress. My mother conditioned me to be her pseudo best friend and confidante. That all persisted right up until her death 2 years ago. Since then some part of me changed. I no longer defend her treatment of us to myself. I'm not afraid to internally verbally thoughts I purposely repressed.
My mother made Life a living Hell for 6 people and I don't hate her for it. It wasn't her fault. She was the oldest of 7 growing up in the Depression Era and was forced to care for her siblings. Her mother treated her and HER siblings horrendously...bordering on evil.
Consequently my mother poisoned my sweet dad's spirit, and set me and my siblings up for a life of insecurity and crushing self doubt.
I'm 65.5 now and a widower. I has high hopes all through life that I would 'outgrow' the effects of those formative years but quite the opposite. If anything it's intensified with my mother's passing. I've lived a life of trained-in mediocrity despite my efforts to 'win'. I project an aura (apparently) of gullibility, idiocy, and easy prey.
One thing I was aware of throughout Life was NOT propagating that evil by infecting my children. I'm not convinced I succeeded but I gave it my best.
It's the beginning of the road of abuse for too many of us, including learned self abuse. Prayers to those of us who have walked this road. 🕯️🙏🕊️
I needed to hear this Dr. Ramani. I have experienced a great deal of this growing up. I have worked hard to heal from this for years but still struggle as much of the abuse is internalized in my subconscious. Thank you for all you do!
From 8 years old on, my experience far exceeded verbal abuse. Physical abuse heals, verbal and emotional abuse doesn't. I went through bullying in a day and age that didn't produce mass school shooters. Today's schools should have coping skills and bully-prevention as standard K-12 curriculum. Worst of all was the neglect. Indelible damage.
I AM SO GLAD THE DISTINCTION WAS MADE!!! As a survivor myself, I felt each one separately and deeply. She kept her behavior up and when she told me for the 100th time that she wasn't gonna change, I decided to leave to never return. Blocked her and everything. No one should have to deal with the constant belittlement, cursing, threats.....Among other things, but those were the main ones that stick out. "I don't know where you came from. You're not MY child, must've come from under a rock!" Whenever I would try to discuss our collective past or even just bring up something recently that hurt my feelings, I'm suddenly a "lying bitch!!!", even if we were just having fun 3 minutes earlier. "Shut up before I knock you the fuck out." usually when she wasn't getting her way in a conversation (I'm trying to state my opinion and it's too bold for me to ever try to stand up for myself, even as a 30+ yr old adult). That's just a SMALL bit of what I survived (there was also obviously emotional abuse, which is the reason I can't cry today literally, with occasional physical abuse sprinkled on top).
My heart goes out to all the other survivors out there, and to the ones that help with out broken pieces and love us in spite of it all 💖🙏🏾
I'm 61 and those lunatics who raised me still haunt me every day. I am always waiting to get in trouble. Waiting for some unforeseen thing I didn't know I did to cause problems. It's still a nightmare over 40 years later.
Yelling at kids will never stop because they (the antagonist enablers) will say “stop being a PC/ woke” parent. The enablers will say “you gotta train your kids about authority”.
✔️
My favorite, 'they did the best they could'
Nope
Or they say, it never hurt me.
Authority=mercurial, generally angry parent.
Hello @HopelessAutistic, autistic here, too. There is some indication in the medical literature that autistics are at a higher risk of family abuse. It is assumed that we represent challenges that frustrate the caretakers, and they lose control. I have an alternative hypothesis: we don't play games, and we attract hate from gaslighters. They feel exposed by our existence. To make things worse, many of us are neurologically incompetent for deceit - we are natural truth tellers.
You constantly fight feelings of worthlessness and struggle to understand what healthy relationships are supposed to look like. While also feeling paralized and trapped and eventually you not only feel it hard to trust others but your own self. Creating an undertow of self doubt and helplessness.
I got lots of “get over it” “don’t be so dramatic” “who’s the parent and who’s the child!” “so what! You’re supposed to get good grades.” And on and on. Sadly, I have a lot of angry violent thoughts but thankfully I’ve never hurt anyone, shamefully though I have tried to harm myself and still think about it. I’ve mostly withdrawn from people and friendships, and I’m very sensitive to rejection and bullying, which as an adult I still get a lot of, I went to school and got bullied, then came home and got bullied, nowhere was truly safe. As an adult now,I just focus on caring for myself as much as possible, and do things that make me feel happy or comfortable as much as I can.
Doing things that gave me joy was a big part of my recovery process.
Please keep on with taking care of yourself and keep seeking your authentic joy.
You are worth it!
Same here. My bullies were admired by my parents. If I did anything good then it was not believed. There was a lot of projection. Both of my parents were abused. I didn’t know I acted the way I do from trauma from all of the abuse. I had so much anxiety and depression. Hope kept me going. I got away for college and it was the best. I learned my worth and what was acceptable from real friends. I am still healing. I did not know I was traumatized. I was grabbed by a man at work when I was 20. My college friends were the most supportive because I had trauma from it. I never felt like a burden.
I know exactly how you feel. It is like I typed your comment.
My psychologist is working with me on this now. My mother had her own severe mental health issues and would scream and cuss all day, every day. She told me that I would never have a boyfriend because I was ugly, I would never amount to anything, abs she would tell me that I was hateful and no one would want to be around me. Add to that the fact that she would just throw things at me and my sister for no reason (one day I got hit with a shoe in the back and didn't even know what I had done). It's no wonder at 55 years old I'm still messed up from that.
I hear you, I'm so sorry.
@@birdlover6842 thank you 💜
My heart goes out to all those who grew up with or are growing up with narcissistic parents. You deserve better than they ever were, or will be. I hope you can find the power to go no contact. For your health, and as statement to prove to that you want nothing to do with the likes of them.
Verbal abuse is a piece of emotional abuse, and emotional abuse is psychological abuse. The more people become aware of what it is, the more mainstream it becomes. Resulting in more change to this psychologically abusive world.
Verbal, emotional and physical abuse as a child. Now married 31 years with verbal and emotional abuse. I am awake now and on the path of recovery.
Actually had a dream last night that my dad was keeping me from leaving his house by hiding my dog from me.
I look at pics from my past and am a little sad for that girl who wasn't allowed to feel pretty. Now I am embarrassed to even try for fear of being mocked.
There should be consequences for therapists that are abusive to clients! 'Do no harm' seems to mean nothing today in the 'professional' realm. The thing that just really gets me the most is not only do they compound the issues a person has, which is why they seek out help, but that these people are getting paid to harm! This is criminal to say the least!!!
It destroys your self esteem and can cause the child to be very suicidal and unable to handle criticism as adults
My father was mentally and physically abusive. The first time I seen blood I was 4 years old and pushed into a wall..
I think having siblings helped get through it the most.
It can really harden a kid. I beat up the school bully who was twice my size and two grades ahead and left his face black and blue for a week. I really developed a reputation of someone you didn't want to tangle with.
When I was young I was reckless and dangerous. I smoked and drank too much. I drove my car a 100 mph through the tunnel to Canada in Detroit. I worked in the factory 7 days a week 10 hours a day to hide.
When became a father later on life, I changed. I didn't think I could have children since I slept with so many women and had mistake. I was kicked in the balls fighting very hard several times fighting in my younger years.
I have a no yelling household. No swearing, being mean.
I don't regret my childhood and I'm not angry about it. I've come to the point that I laugh about it. I can tell stories about how I was treated and how bad it was. It just seems so ridiculous and stupid that it's funny.
Emotional abuse can also be caused by the parents having untreated mental health problems.
I’ll be 65 next month & she died 21 yrs ago. I still hear her insults ringing in my ears.
I remember telling my mum sternly not to touch my son. Grew up with constant beatings, humiliation, soap rammed into my mouth. Wasnt going to allow her to do the same with my son. Im 60 and still have low self esteem and minimal confidence. This will always be a part of me.
Just this weekend I set extra boundaries with my someone for interacting with my child. Being self-aware is important - I couldn't stand up for myself as a child but I can stand up for my own child.
I’m curious about the silent treatment treatment. I got all the varieties of abuse, but the silent treatment stands out as a special kind of hell. Fifty-four years later and I’m still wondering what I did wrong, or what other incident precipitated the silent treatment. 😢
When I was spanked or hit, and also when I was yelled at, a reason was given. Even when it was crappy like “you didn’t say thank you” for something basic like a ride home after a shopping trip.
But the silent treatment was just so silent. Never any explanation. Sometimes blood curdling screams without any words. But, even when I begged my mother, no explanation for the silent treatment.
I wonder - what precipitates the silent treatment?
What precipatates silent treatment is probably anger at you that makes them look bad when expressed aloud.
I'm 67, i remember an i dream of Jeannie episode where she made every day Sunday. I used to wish that would really happen, then i wouldn't have to face all the bullying and humiliation at school. When i came home from school it was my mother's turn. Over the years i have tried to come to terms with her. She has been dead for 30 years but i still remember all the hurt and fear she caused.
It made me feel like, today, when someone verbally assaults me, I have to physically fight to defend my dignity and respect.
This video hit close to home for me. Not only am I a survivor of child molestation, I also experienced physical and verbal abuse from my family. My mom really knew how to tear down my self esteem whenever she was dissatisfied with me. There was also domestic violence in my house as well especially between my mom and her ex husband. Whenever one of them would provoke each other, it often led to a full fledge argument with verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse. More than once the cops were called and one time my ex stepdad was sent to prison for a month. It happened the day before I turned 9. A lot of the neighbors came to see what the commotion was about including people we knew. Years after the abuse ended, I felt very depressed and had self esteem problems for the longest time. It also didn't help that I didn't have a good support system. I realized as an adult that abuse is not love and walked away from people who I knew never had my best interests at heart.
Thank you for discussing this. At seventy, I am still reeling from some of the verbal abuse I endured growing up. My mother called me a "Casper Milquetoast/weak"just like your father", a slut, a little shit,, and "a bad return on our investment". Just horrific stuff I've never forgotten.
Oh boy...new book!!!
Lovely outfit today, too! You look beautiful!
Verbal abuse doesn’t have to be yelled.
The old saying, sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, is a lie. You can always heal from bruises, but never from insults.
I had two narcissist parents ... father grandiose and mother covert. I experienced a TON of verbal abuse from them. It was their standard mode of communication with me. And yes, verbal abuse was only one facet of the twisted and toxic family dynamic in which I spent the first 17 years of my life, and which tried to follow me as an adult. I have spent my entire live wrestling with it, then learning about it, and finally managing it.. I am far better now than I used to be ... but the damage never goes away. I have just learned to manage it better and not let it affect others. To say I loathe and despise my parents is a massive understatement. I'm glad they are both gone.
Totally agree with "To say I loathe and despise my parents is a massive understatement". Mine are aging now and still around though.. I feel the same way. Been in similar situation.. a big hug to you.
I've maintained for my entire adult life that parenthood should be a licensed privelege, EXACTLY like driving in a car.
You want a kid? Go get your license.
You have a kid? Go keep your license up-to-date.
You want a 2nd, 3rd, etc kid? Go get your large-family license.
Problem is, of course, that you'd never get such a licensing program run entirely and solely by the professional specialists who actually understand the topic and needs involved; it'd be all about the politics.
Teenage pregnancy has been a big problem since time immemorial but nothing has been done to it...
Many children now come from broken families and many of them are abandoned....
I had a very traumatic childhood and had low self esteem while growing up