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Autistic Parenting Challenges & Tips - Feat
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- čas přidán 16. 12. 2021
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I'm joined by Tay from 'Mom on the Spectrum' to explore some of the biggest #autistic parenting challenges. Plus, we share our top hacks and personal lived experiences as #actuallyautistic people. #autism #asd #autisticadult #whatautismfeelslike
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (CZcamsr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
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ITS HEEEERRRREEEEEEE!!! So fun collaborating with you, Orion. Thanks for all you do for the autistic community.
Thanks so much for joining me. I had a great time.
I have two kids with ADHD (both diagnosed) and I know your pain trying to deal with the school's definition of disabilities vs. the actual medical diagnosis. I found out (after the fact, as both my kids are finishing high school this year) that there are education advocates, who will help you navigate the system, whose whole job it is to get your kid the supports they need. I've only just found Orion's channel today and I'm about to go explore yours, but I just wanted to throw that out there in case no one had mentioned it to you (since no one thought to mention it to me).
I had to choke down tears when you said “I shouldn’t have been a parent.”
I am a grandma with ADHD and Autism, 55, caring for 2of my grandsons -one age 7 diagnosed with ADHD (I’m am battling to get his
Autism diagnosis and one age 3 showing obvious signs.
This episode was incredibly validating- I’m in tears here because it seems nobody in my circle understands…….
Thank you both💜❤️💚
I had an extremely emotional response when Orion was saying, "Maybe I shouldn't have become a parent." I think that almost every day, especially after self identifying as autistic (which didn't happen till our third child was about six months old). Would we have three kids if I'd known I'm autistic? It's a question that haunts me. The noise! The fighting and whining and meltdowns (our oldest was diagnosed autistic at age 2). When it comes to discipline, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just making it up as I go. I don't know how to make my house less noisy. It helps me sometimes to take each child aside for a few minutes and stroke their hair and remember how happy I was when they were born. It helps to set aside time to just delight in them. Also, I think stroking their hair is a form of stimming for me. Not sure what I'm getting at. Thanks for talking about being an autistic parent to autistic kids.
Thanks so much for sharing that, it helps. I appreciate it.
@@orionkelly 😊
I totally relate! You're not alone. Often I'll say things (to myself or to my husband) that "I'm a crap of a mother". Then one day I was watching one of Orions video and he used the exact same wording as he referenced himself as a dad. Oh my goodness!
Recently moved into a beautiful home. All hardwood floor except the master bedroom. I thought it would be lovely but nope. The noise is so much worse with no carpet. We hope to get area rugs soon to help absorb noise. And I've asked for Loop ear buds or noise canceling things for Christmas.
Stimming with kiddos! Totally relate. In fact weeks ago I realized the same thing. Totally normal for mama's to love on their little ones but I'm extreme on it especially if I'm in public or have company. I will look at my little one most the time, smell their heads, pet their heads, hold them alot, tickle, tease, squeeze, and nibble on their ears and toes. It helps calm me and sort of like a security blanket especially if others are around and I'm feeling nervous.
I play with my daughter’s hair a lot too. Calming for her, a stim for me!
@@andreaharmon8931 Thanks so much for replying. We are not alone. I hope you get your Loop earbuds for Christmas 🙂. I bought a pair of those a few weeks ago and they are great. I especially use them when shopping but I also use them from time to time at home if multiple kids are screaming at the same time 😂
This is an awesome video I'm saving this to watch it better another time
Wait...is this a crossover episode?! I'm newly diagnosed this year at 30 and parent of 2 children, one with autism. Growing up I remember people calling me a baby, weak, or overly emotional. As a parent before diagnosis I felt how you did, Tay, questioning what I was doing wrong?! I agree with you both regarding the feeling of having to suppress my self regulation techniques when parenting. I tend to either shutdown or lash out and both I obviously can't do. Therapy has really helped me, that and you both are amongst my absolute favorite CZcamsrs and have been so so soooo helpful since getting my diagnosis. Many thanks for doing this collab, makes me feel less alone.❤️
Thanks so much for sharing whitney!!
Same boat, especially with the people calling me overly emotional and weak as a kid (the term used for me was "overdramatic"). Thanks for sharing your experience.
@@gabriellelee4558 you're welcome! 💞
I literally cried during the convo about parenting being more challenging for autistic parents. For so long I wondered, what is wrong with me? When do I start to enjoy being a parent? This is wrecking my nervous system!
As my children has started to get bigger and louder i have found it harder to cope with. When my wife isnt home and im left home alone with the kids for the day i try and get them to play on their xbox or watch tv to keep themselves entertained but the arguing and bickering inevitably starts and i cant cope with the loud noises. My wife was due to go away for a full week with a uni trip and leave me home with the kids and we were both dreading it until thankfully it was cancelled due to covid. It really hurts my self esteem knowing that because of my autism i am not capable of parenting without the support of my wife and knowing that if anything ever happened to my wife whilst the kids are still young, that i wouldnt be able to cope alone. I suspect my son also has autism, one of the things he does is to have an immediate extremely loud meltdown whenever we say no to him. When he starts having a meltdown the noise triggers my sensitivity to noise and makes me feel overwhelmed like im going to have a meltdown. My instant reaction has become to give in to his screaming and give him whatever he wants just so he’ll stop screaming and i think he’s also learning that that is what he has to do to quickly get his own way. When my wifes home its easier because i can walk away from the situation to stop my own meltdown but when my wifes at work and im home alone its very hard to get through just a day as a lone autistic parent
Yes. I love what she said. That parents is mega mega hard. So damn hard. I cry. My husband is normal and he thinks it's easy. No, it's not. Everything you guys have said is 💯 me .
Thank you for this. I use my headphones daily now.
I can completely relate to having times when my brain feels broken/fried from an over stimulating day. I will ask my daughter to watch tv or read so I can decompress by vegging out or having my own quiet time.
Please don't take away my quiet time. It's oxygen.
I seem to be autistic, and my son seems to have adhd. There are so many ways that I can relate to what both of you are saying. Thank you.
SO AMAZING to see and hear the two of you!!!! I felt so validated at so many points during the video😃A few that stand out the most for me, were screen time (THANK YOU, THANK YOU. So necessary, not a big deal), and feeling like you have to "control" your own autistic reactions to parent your kids. OMG, I love to sing and make noise and it drives my autistic son and ADHD daughter absolutely crazy!!! And, for the longest time, I felt so guilty that I would feel overwhelmed and frustrated and absolutely pushed to my limit by my autistic son. When I began to suspect that I was also autistic, it just fed my imposter syndrome, because I thought neurodivergents were supposed to all get along! 🙄 That was wonderful. Thank you so much, Tay and Orion!
I’m so grateful to hear that.
So glad it was helpful! Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I'm protective of my stuff. I'm not a fan of playdates either but as a kid I loved playing in other peoples houses.
I'm not a parent myself but am an autistic woman who a teacher assistant (two year olds) and one of my students is also autistic. My aide often has me take him to a quieter place since I get him (this makes me happy!). I sometimes get overestimulated by his echolalia so I start stimming echolalia style myself!
Even though I only got diagnosed at 50, I semi-consciously made a decision not to have kids a long time ago. I never knew how to explain it to people, so I sort of joke when asked if I have kids by saying, "I can barely look after myself, let alone somebody else". Although there is more than an element of truth in that comment.
i'm undiagnosed and have that feeling. when i was little they thought girls didn't get it. and my doc said there are no docs here who diagnose adults with mild symptoms.
I really appreciate this video and these tips. My oldest kiddo is neurodivergent and so am I. We are both in the midst of new diagnoses. But my oldest has been calling himself stupid a lot lately and I just don't understand where it came from. But I do notice it more when he is disciplined. When someone is upset with his actions.
And on the parent side I just haven't been able to find the right way to teach him and help him. As well as balance my own needs.
if the one thing I've learnt, is choosing to have children should be difficult, potential parents need to really think about their decision to have children as the potential to fuck it up in a major way is pretty easy and to become a parent is to take responsibility for a new life... things like attachment theory are really important if you choose to become a parent. You really need to be confident that you have the skills that it takes or your kids will be broken, austistic or not.
newly diagnosed at 48 october 2021 learning lots love your videos
Wow this video is amazing!
Thank you so much to both of you for making it happen and for being so open with us ❤
Oh thank you both so much! You changed my entire day around !!
Regarding the lack of support with the school system, that's Texas 100%. Houston Chronicle did an expose on the state educational authority a little over a decade ago, showing that they were intentionally limiting anyone qualifying for support to keep costs down.
Edit: yeah, the school psychologists use CARS, instead of ADOS, and they really stick on the aspect of functional limitation. I know a couple kids who are diagnosed, but functioning high enough that they were denied school accommodations
"IM GOING TO FIND THE LONGEST COCOMELON EVER. 2H? PERFECT!"
Loooool don't call me out like this! 😂
Very validating to hear this, this was my then wife and my experience raising our children a decade and a half ago. I hope I didn’t scratch his record too badly. Loving him and myself through it all.
Lovely episode! It definitely hit me hard hearing the line about maybe I shouldn’t be a parent. I have thought that exactly, but it just a poses my need for family and the love of my own children. The school and healthcare systems seem to make it so hard to get the diagnosis. I am still on a waitlist for my children, and I was just told to consider myself autist without having to pay for all the expensive tests to diagnose. I anticipate their will be more challenges, and it is heartbreaking to me that the general population doesn’t know more about autism, so there continue to be rules and policies that harm us or take away our rights to meet our needs.
How can it even be legal for a school to refuse an already existing diagnosis in favour of their own diagnostic "system" (and I use _'system'_ very loosely)?
It feels like there's a concerted effort to avoid doing the bare minimum to help autistic kids.
This is incredible. So helpful. Thank you!
Thanks for watching. I’m so grateful to hear that.
I will say from direct experience as an autistic working in a special setting, the attitudes are a lot better and more inclusive.
Thank you so much for this....
Yaaaaaay 👏 my two favourites together. Dream team x
The worst part of parenting being " high functioning" is most people don't understand the over stimulation and don't see your sensory needs/ overload and judge you harshly for it... Or worse when you shutdown they may see you and judge you as being "uncaring" or not affectionate enough when that couldn't be farther from the truth. 😢😪😪
💯
Yes!!! 😢❤️
Wow, you guys look like you could be boy and girl twins! 😊
Rub dirt on it is such an American thing. :)
The very first thing I thought of when you mentioned the time zone difference was "oh poor Tay! She doesn't have enough of her spoons left and Orion has all of his!!" 🤣 unfair advantage!! JK. I adore both of you
I'm not a fan of neurotypical parents of autistic kids saying they are an autistic parent because they aren't. They are part of the parenting community of autistic kids which is different. I have empathy because some parents are quite isolated and are probably needing community and I think this is where this has come from.
In 🇺🇸 US. My son has medical diagnoses. But with the school he Meets ALL the criteria except they say his IQ is to high for his age. So there is no way he can possibly be on the spectrum. So they refuse him services 😮🥴🤯
It's called "twice exceptional"... there totes is an ASD diagnosis for highly intelligent kids. My son is this.
that makes ZERO sense! as i'm sure you know.
What a stupid thing for them to say! Autism has nothing to do with IQ. Autistic people tend to be more on the extremes of the IQ spectrum than non-autistic people, but it still varies from one individual to the other. The public/government school system is 💩 and needs to be scrapped and done away with.
Hey Orion. Tell your wife a Canadian lady loves you 😝
My son is a TOTAL rule follower! He's also a horrible liar. He tried it once, and fessed up less than 1 minute later 🤣
I'm also in the states. My son got his academic diagnosis first... they recommend we take him to children's hospital for professional diagnosis (which we did). So my experience was backwards. I wonder, had it been professional diagnosis first, if his school would not have provided accommodations if he didn't also get the academic diagnosis 🤔
It pains me to hear Orion always talk about "disciplining children". What he describes as being necessary for autistic children ("yes and", etc) is generally good advice for all children. Taking a few pages out of bell hooks or Montessori would go a long way for many parents. The idea that children need punishment is deeply poisonous and insidious. Consequences yes, punishment no.
Disciplining just means teaching, doesn't it? I know it used to be a euphemism for spanking, but I don't think it is for most people anymore.
I associate it with sticking with routine and teaching your kids things like "hang up your coat, bring your plate to the kitchen, wash your hands after using the toilet", that sort of thing. And then if you find that the child didn't put away his toothbrush, the discipline aspect is that*every time* you call the child over to put it away. And eventually the child will have enough muscle memory/irritation with being interrupted that he'll learn to put it away automatically. There doesn't need to be any negative confrontation. Maybe he sighs at me and I sigh at him, but overall we're not mad.
I have a similar style to Montessori, I think. I used to worry about how few rules and "if you do this, that is your punishment" I was able to make and stick to. So I only made a few general rules, and actually it never was an issue. I'm doing the best I can, and they are too. Turns out I have ADHD, and the "respectful parenting" style is a really good fit for me. It's also good for my ADHD kid, my regular kid, and my autistic kid.
Sometimes my kids prefer me to say no instead of "yes, after..."
But visual schedule stuff works AMAZINGLY for everyone. Especially me, lol!
The state want to take the responsibility off them and put it on you
Follow the rules??? 😳 Uh not mine 🤔🥴
My kids got pulled just because I'm on the spectrum isn't a good enough reason for me
I want to say… toughen up and throw dirt on it doesn’t work for anyone. This is bad for everyone, we need to learn to recognise and regulate our emotions. neurodivergents have it worse but the whole society is sick because of it.
U mean they took ur kids. ?