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Women & Autism - Traits, Diagnosis, and Challenges - Feat Olivia Hops
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- Äas pĆidĂĄn 12. 05. 2022
- Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I'm joined by #autistic CZcamsr Olivia Hops. We explore the topic of women and #autism. Plus, we share our personal lived experiences as #actuallyautistic people. #orionkelly #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike #women #ASD
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (CZcamsr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
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I am 61 this year and have no idea how to unmask. What I find interesting is that my autistic traits as a female ( brutal honesty) is construed as rude and yet accepted for a male. Appreciating the video content đ
Yes, I agree. Different expectations are placed on women and I think we have it harder, but I am speaking as an autistic woman. I am constantly wishing I had been born male because I feel like the expectations are different and I think Iâd be better at handling them.
So much this! Always jealous of men for this and a million other double standards (for me it's mostly clothes) The bar is so much higher and its so much more shameful when you fail.
YMen seem to get a free pass to not manifest agreeableness, women get conditioned to play nice or cop abuse and put downs.
It's usually called "blunt" or insensitive, but yes brutally honest with actually no bad intentions but surveyed as rude and negative, certainly makes it difficult to interact with neutral typical people.
So true only females can get bullied for saying inappropriate things :/
I felt the same like "What adult cries over the things I do?" It's been really healing to hear other's experiences as late diagnosed adults. Lovely collab! â€
I was just crying uncontrollably with my hand clutching my chest because I saw a cat being returned to the RSPCA this morning because his adopters changed their mind and didnât want himđđđ
@@buttercxpdraws8101I feel ya! Lol growing up undiagnosed I remember crying at a JIF peanut butter commercial thinking "WTF...." đ€Ł
I recently cried about having to go to the gym and my husband laughed about it lol. What adult cries about having to go to the gym!?!? Lolol
This oneâŠ..if I ever had tođ every time I hear the word I just run away lmao
@@buttercxpdraws8101 That would kill me too! đą
I was diagnosed at age 53. I masked 100% all my life.. always felt surreal and different. As I grew up, I went from "quiet and shy" to "ditsy blonde" to "quirky," "eccentric," then "absentminded professor." My friends knew me as a "workaholic." But lucky for me I always had an instinct to allow myself SEVERAL hours of alone time every day. I always had a PART TIME job, usually told my friends NO to going out, but I always said, "Keep asking.. don't give up on me.. once I finish a project I will want to drink and celebrate!!" And I did.. once a month! So I had good autistic instincts, without even having any idea what autism was. I ONLY figured out I was autistic because starting in my late 40's my life got WAY more stressful, caregiving for my parents.. and all kinds of other things... Next thing you know, I hadn't had any true alone time in YEARS. Got married.. I became that super crumpled piece of paper. Pretty quickly my new husband and I were like - Let's get to the bottom of this! Did some research.. Autism was not only an explanation, but it explained EVERYTHING in my entire life.
Holy mackerel, thank you for sharing this. I'm 44 and have been taking care of my geriatric parents since the beginning of the pandemic. (Reading your story felt like reading my journal, only no spouse in my version.) It wasn't until I moved into my childhood home to take care of them that I was able to start piecing together my truth.
So, about 50% of the population is autistic. Funny, now I donât feel so special.
I'm 51, and I need to find out. I took an online test, and it came back high marks for autism. As a female, I've wondered who I really am, and it's hard to even know who I am. It's hard to reach the real me.
@@bethanythatsme Oh wow, I had moved my parents from my childhood home to assisted living, but I lived in a different state. Just a few months later, I asked Dad if he wanted me to quit my perfectly good job (teaching college) and get them back into the house and move in with them. Dad said, "YES." oh boy! đ Dad passed in 2018 and mom is back at assisted living because she went downhill, and now I'm buying my childhood home. Oh, I'm still married (since 2019), but it only took a couple months for him to decide to move back to his house, so we've been BEST FRIENDS but living in separate houses. Not a normal situation, although we get along so well and help each other. But I'm not cut out for marriage apparently. Anyway, great to meet you. I had Alice at 44 - great age!
I had to stop watching cause it made me so emotional to feel I am not the only one. Everything you spoke about sounded so familiar. Only I realised all that just this year and diagnosed just this year. and I am 49. and have worked as a psychotherapist for 25 years....
you two are lovely together. I'll have to watch it again and again
I knew I didnât want kids at 16 because I needed a calm, controlled environment in order to focus and reach my goals. I NEVER dreamed of a wedding day, even though I always had boyfriends who adored me (yet, I wouldnât sleep with them out of the terror of connecting that closely.) Iâve never felt lonely, preferring instead my passions for art and music (which is how I coped with severe depression.) I was highly popular in school due to the smile constantly plastered on my face and good listening skills, yet I had few close friends. Alcohol got me through social events and parties. I remember my first & only Brownies meeting as a young child: girls standing in a circle holding hands, singing songs, while Iâm thinking, âwhatâs the point of this?â
It was pretty funny because when I got tested for autism by a psychologist, he said "As soon as you walked into my office, you already showed some telltale signs that you're likely on the spectrum." Needless to say, I got an official diagnosis of Level 1 Autism (previously known as Aspergers). And it was the most validating day of my life.
Yep. I am 65, and when the psychologist so much as even acknowledged my traits, I felt like I was being seen for the first time! I think, I would have felt that way, even if he had told me he didn't believe I was on the spectrum, just because of the fact that he HONORED my traits and my life challenges/struggles affiliated to living with those traits, unsupported all these years. THAT was healing! Maybe NOW I can finally move forward and be that person I was meant to be.
WOO HOO! So excited to see this awesome collab!!
Actually, I am a really good mom and on the spectrum. It is actually the best thing I can do as a human. Being a teacher is worse since you need to deal with other people's children. My logical mind enables my daughter to be herself since that is logical. Since I don't have the same social constructs as many soccer moms in the suburbs I can transform such falsehoods and provide support for my daughter without the social approval of other parents. Many kids feel pressure to live up to the social standards of their parents. Being on the spectrum enables me to ignore those negative social structures and I can see my kid for who she really is and not who I want her to be due to trying to impress other parents. I have a limited amount of friends and don't socialize with my daughter's friends parents since I have nothing in common with them. The noise of her babyhood was daunting, but for the most part I don't regret having a kid.
@marymyers...This is really well put! Good luck to you and your daughter. Sounds like she's a lucky kid!! đđ
As a female in my early 50's, I know I am autistic. It explains my entire life. I chose to never have children because I instinctively knew i couldn't do it. But now I am my almost 90 y.o. mom's caregiver. And that's hard and I feel like a failure all the time. I have been misdiagnosed too many times so I just say I have ASD. It helps me learn about myself and thats ok!
I am so sorry. I finally figured out my own diagnosis at 65 (and sought someone who specializes in adult ADHD, ASD, and OCD and got it confirmed). I felt seen for the first time. I have worked as a nurse in mental health since '87, yet I never learned anything about this stuff without searching out the information. That is NOT OK! My life SUCKED! I would not wish it on anyone and I am so grateful I resisted the pressure to have a kid (what a disaster that would have been).
I treat my autism like I treat my homosexuality - as an identity, not a condition. It's how my brain is wired. I didn't need a doctor to tell me I'm a homosexual, and now I don't feel I need a doctor to diagnose me. Reading about autism, the DSM-5 questionnaire, and finding testimonials from people like you have helped me self-diagnose. I feel seen and understood. It has explained my entire life in hindsight. My sister is going through a similar journey, and we suspect our parents to be autistic as well. Neither of us ever wanted to have kids, specially after the traumatic childhood we had. And much like the "gaydar", we totally can tell when other people are autistic :-)
â€
Bro - your identity is who you like to sleep with? Why? Who cares? No offense. I'm sure you are much more than that!
I feel the same way. The "don't diagnose yourself" is more of a safeguard for people who throw around "I have this", "I am that". Much like myself, you actually thought about your actions and have found a measured answer through research. That is different and I think you should not need a diagnosis.
â@@kristind4593exactly. And both are conditions not identities even if they impact identity.
I started crying when I listened to this video. I could relate to so many things. It brought back memories of my childhood when my mom was always yelling at me for not wanting to do certain things and she would push me into them. I would start crying, and she would get frustrated and send me to my room. I was always being belittled. I'm nearly 70 years old and I am wondering how I am going to convince my PCP to let me see someone who could test me for autism.
Yes. Kids. It wasnât till I had kids that i realized⊠itâs hard when you donât want to be touched, donât want to hear a sound, and start saying things like, âdonât touch meâ or yelling it even. Itâs heart breaking to not be able to regulate thatâŠ
I've done this and it has made me feel like a bad mom but now I know if I'm gonna have a meltdown or something I go to another room
Thank you so much for speaking to the gender bias of male presenting people may be permitted to be percieved as autistic, while female presenting people may fall under the pressures of being polite (much less honest & straight forward.)
I was raised by a very stern grandmother who did not tolerate anything even mildly unladylike, so I trained myself to mask & mask hard as to not constantly be in trouble.
I always say âthereâs too many variablesâ when trying to make a decision. Thank you so much. Such a validating conversation for me
As the wife and mom in my family, I do feel like the family's social life rests on my shoulders, which is another thing women on the spectrum can have a hard time coping with. To be honest, most of our friends are family members. When our friendships with other families depends on my ability to connect with the other mom, I simply don't know what I'm doing and things don't usually even get off the ground. But I like what you said, Orion, about not having to parent in a neurotypical way. I think the same can apply here. There's a chance our entire family is autistic (two children are diagnosed and my assessment is coming up later this year) so that frees me up to do things OUR way. That takes the pressure off đ
The pressure of all that was too much (youngest now 19) and I would ruminate and obsess.
Thank you for sharing this. I was undiagnosed during their childhood.
Me as well. Our whole family has been diagnosed and it has lifted a HUGE weight off of my heart. To be the one that is expected to be warm a fuzzy and super social and not know how to not even want to do those things and not understanding why was extremely painful. Parenting my kids and helping them learn about their way of interacting with others and the world has been so healing and validating for me. â€
Learning to set boundaries and having everyone accept them is really difficult for those of us with Autism and ADHD Iâve been bullied all my life and not respected now at 42 Iâm standing my ground
I love seeing encouraging parenting content. Itâs fine to be good at some parenting tasks and suck at others and need to trade off with a partner. I think autistic people can be great parents because they have so much genuine enthusiasm about their kidsâ interests and donât care about smooshing their kids into the ânormalâ box. Also autistic parents have a big head start in understanding their autistic kids having lived as autistic kids themselves đ
I think being good and NOT good at certain parenting and NOT others is JUST PARENTING neurodivergent or OTHERWISE......PARENTING is HARD no matter WHAT....I stumbled across you guys as I started down this youtube rabbit hole as we navigate what dx may be on the horizons for our 3 and 5yr old.......
I just found out I am autistic, and am a mom of 3 kids. I understand Olivia's fears, and can indeed say that having help, and someone who can rescue you when you need me time, is very important. My daughter is also autistic, and is really a mirror to me. To me this is like a gift. Thanks to her, I now know about my own autism. And I also accept myself more. And vice versa, I accept her exactly as she is, because, hahaha, for me everything she does is normal. I didn't understand at first why people made a fuss about her not looking them in the eye, my reaction was, who cares? I'm not looking into your eyes either haha. Now I know why we have so much in common and why I am so proud of her. I myself have been unlearned to be brutally honest, and whenever my daughter is brutally honest with others, I have to secretly smile and I'm super proud of her. Also this was something people said to me about her, my reaction then too was, rather someone honest, right? I'm incredibly proud of my autistic daughter, and I wouldn't want it any other way. We stim together next to each other in the seat, we swing symmetrically from front to back, and I don't care what others think of it, proud to be autistic. đ€©
Iâve always felt different, thought something was wrong with me. I never felt like I fit in and I didnât know why. I was extremely quiet and âshyâ and had an extremely difficult time making and keeping friends. I lived like this until I was 40. Then the pandemic hit and things shut down and I had more time on my hands. I was scrolling through CZcams and ran across a video on autistic traits in women. I had never considered the possibility of me being autistic because I wasnât obsessed with trains and could have conversations with other people. I watched it because I knew a few autistic people and I find psychology very interesting. After watching the video and found so many similarities I started watching other videos on autism and reading articles and books. I suddenly knew deep inside that Iâm autistic and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. But now, about 2 years later, I feel the weight of it again. Knowing whatâs wrong with me doesnât make life any easier. It doesnât make relationships easier. I canât keep a romantic relationship working. I canât find someone willing or able to see me, accept me, and love me as I am. I have decided to stop trying and accept the possibility that Iâm not meant to have a partner, that Iâm destined to live this life on my own. That thought makes me feel sad, lonely, and broken because other autistic people are able to find love but I canât. So to summarize, getting the diagnosis was a mixed bag for me and Iâm still working on coming to terms with it and structuring my life in a way that works for me. Some good days and some bad.
Find your validation in yourself not with someone else. Be strong and peaceful inside then you will attract others maybe that are of similar vibration.
@@216trixie that is all well and good in theory, but difficult in practice. I have been made to feel wrong most of my life. I canât just suddenly start validating myself.
@@yourmom2189 I know, I hear you. I've been there but I don't think nearly as far as you have. Wish you well.
@@yourmom2189 I know you can't suddenly start, but it is possible through little steps. Actually Pat yourself on the back that's a good one.
I Lâ€VE that that Iâve received this confirmation, which I prefer over the word diagnosis as I believe it to be more accurate. I further love that my daughter is the same though Iâm having difficulty being able to secure the same confirmation for her for various ridiculous reasons and she may also be ADHD. Didnât find out until a couple years ago and I will be 45 and a few months and my daughterâs 9.
Growing up I received mostly either negative validation or none I have spent my life striving to become all that Iâd ever hoped to see, all that I knew to be possible, though I believed it was not for me.
Iâd hoped this information would at least provide others the impetus to try just a bit more, to make just bit more of an effort to meet me halfway, to perhaps even realize certain things⊠but no.
None of those things happened. In fact nothing happened. Nothing at all. Barely even a pause in most conversations at all when mentioned. No questions nor comments. No cares, no changes.
And since then? Docs & therapists, others? Nothing. No help either. Iâm with you.
Such an EXCELLENT conversation! I really enjoyed hearing your open and honest thoughts. Please team up again sometime!
Yes please. You two make an excellent team video
The children conversation is very interesting to me. I swing between never wanting kids, to wanting kids more than anything in the world. It terrifies me, especially when I hear neurotypical people constantly complain about their kids. Like if they can't even handle it, how will *I*? I know there is a growing number of autistic parents sharing their experiences, so that's helpful. But I don't imagine I could just give my husband all the responsibilities that I didn't feel like I could do. đ
Had worrisome thoughts about not being able to assist a partner when things got tough too; neurotypical or not, they have responsibilities and stresses like us and canât always afford to be Atlas for two. Better to take the time way early on to collaboratively come up with effective strategies to handle problems before they arise if possible
As a woman with both ASD and combined ADHD I chose not to have children at the age of 23
I don't have a diagnosis but the people I relate to the most are autistic. I don't get ignored or laughed at like I usually would. I don't have to remember a bunch of illogical social rules. And I don't have to explain myself or my actions.
We tend to gravitate towards each other so you could well be Neurodiverse
I'm so glad you did this collaboration together.
Olivia, listen to your gut regarding children. I wasnât diagnosed until after I had kids. Had I known before - I wouldnât have had them. Everything you struggle with now may very well get harder as you get older.
When talking kids people seem to only focus on the sleepless first 1-2 years. Itâs SO MUCH MORE beyond that. Trust yourself :)
So wrong. I have three kids. Two are adults. None of them is on the spectrum. I was diagnosed late in my life. In my late 40s. Having kids is the best thing that ever happened to me and it is wrong to tell someone not to have kids since they are on the spectrum.
@@annanajduch5201 It's good for you that you're happy with your choice. - But having kids is not a human right. No one is 'entitled' to having children. Having them is not a life necessity like oxygen and water.
In the end, it's *always* better to choose not to have children (if you have the privilege of choice) when you aren't sure whether you could handle the responsibility of being a parent - rather than taking on this responsibility and potentially ruining an innocent human being's life and/or your own.
â@@annanajduch5201its right to tell people to follow their gut and take into account their own situation and if they will genuinely suffer if they have children and their autism becomes much harder to manage.
I got my diagnosis at 58, this year in march 2022 . after 2 mariages 2 grown kids and 4 grand kids...work is my biggest challange, forms, no friends,with a colourful emotional life.
Thank you both so much. I was laughing and smiling as I could relate. Next Tuesday I go for my first testing appointment. I had/have one in December but when the seesaw was up I called around and got one sooner. The seesaw was down this week. I was thinking I didn't want to go but I have to. Now I'm excited again kind of. This video was just what I needed. 41 year old from the USA.
Glad youâre back Sir!!!!!!
I am a Mother and Grandmother and not yet diagnosed formally, and the way I manage my own children is so much better than how I manage other peoples children, I can't cope with others children, yet I am great with my own â€
I never wanted to have kids either Olivier. I have one daughter she turned out fine with a still undiagnosed parent.
Very helpful. Just got the official dx and its just set off the imposter syndrome to the max!
Good to hear that others struggle with this too - actually, not good at all, but is cathartic/ supportive. I too have a mean inner voice that I need to stop listening to.
Thank you, great Collab.
OMG! My therapist, a very experienced person, told me I was the most self-judging person she had ever met!
From 0:00 to 8:16 was my COMPLETE experience!
The bit about Olivia not wanting kids and feeling guilt about that desire to be without them made a lot of sense to me. As autistic people we tend to see through the demand for social conventions and still feel guilt for not living up to them - for example, an AFAB person MUST want kids. I never wanted them and was happy getting my tubes tied. When people told me (they don't as much now that I'm 25) I'd change my mind I knew they were projecting their NT social norms onto me. Why pretend to have a desire for something that truly bothers me? Plus, my cat is much less of an energetic investment đ
It was nice to see the two autistic CZcamsrs I watch talk to each other here. I was watching for hints of unmasking during the conversation, to compare with my own interactions, and help me understand where the real me is. You both seemed already pretty genuine as I realize, CZcams allows for that already. It's your masking that we don't see here.
I must say, though, that I didn't like the pressure you put on Olivia to become a mother. As an influential male, it's especially important that you set a good example and don't add to the already high pressure that women face about having children. She stated her thoughts and considerations on the topic and wasn't looking for help deciding. People need to respect this decision. I chose not to have children for many reasons and would not be swayed by the many who insisted I'd change my mind or that I'm wrong. It's disrespectful and super annoying! Nobody knows me better than I do. Respect my decision and don't assume I haven't considered every single factor carefully. What's right for you might be wrong for me.
I know you sort of apologized for going on about it so much and joking a bit, and I understand you were just enthusiastic about your own decision, but I'd really appreciate a statement about respecting people's decisions like this one. I need Olivia and all the other folks watching to know that having kids is not a requirement for anyone and that one can only make that decision for oneself, no matter how strongly others may feel about it. It's deeply personal and isn't like picking out an outfit. This has lifelong implications.
@gummy I was pressured so much. Yet, I never got the support I needed, so I hate to think of how I would have raised a kid! Plus, given how my body responded during perimenopause, there is a good chance I would have developed severe & unrelenting depression, post delivery.
My capacities were stuffed after kids, as the capacity to recover was completely removed. I love my family. It uncovered all this. It's just "A LOT". I also think I'm a good mummy. I'm pretty rubbish at adulting. Kids are forgiving. My husband probably has a hard time though. Luckily he loves me & he knew me well before the kids & the diagnosis.
I have said that same phrase, "My brain is not functioning right." i keel telling my mother that. Im so glad im getting an understanding of myself better. So that i can be easier on me. Love myself. Thank you for the connection. I wish i would have understood when i was younger so that I wasn't so mean to myself.
I didn't get a diagnosis until I was in my late 60s. Very much a relief after years of being seen as more-or-less a social outcast. Glad I found this channel.
You and me both :(
You guys are both great. I almost paused for a bit around the halfway mark because it was such an overwhelming feeling to hear people in a more candid way explain the things that I am going through currently. It's overwhelming but such an unbelievable relief. I love educational videos but this one really hit the mark for me today, thank you so much Orion and Olivia.
Iâm going the adoption route. I had a 7-year old foster child that was adorable, but very draining. Now Iâm meeting with a 13-year old who is much quieter and chill energy-wise. The process is quite challenging, but I know for certain that this is a better solution for me than either having a baby or adopting a younger child that will be loud and need a lot of attention. Best wishes in your marriage regardless of what you decide, Olivia!
This comment is for Olivia. From me, as a woman, who suspects is on the spectrum, and as a mother (of an autistic child) who didn't want children previous to having them. Brace yourself because it's a long comment. TL;DR _don't have children if you already feel you don't want them. _*_Wanting them is not enough reason to have them_*
1. I think you should sort out that situation with your fiance before marrying. If he wants children, you are already unintentionally putting pressure on him not to have them. And he is unintentionally pressuring you to have them (hence why you feel guilty). It's a BIG deal if you're not on the same page on that. Children are a lot of work and sacrifice, and _wanting them_ is not enough reason to *_have_* them.
2. Just because your fiance wants children, doesn't mean he will be a good dad. Idealization of parenting is not the same as reality. It's a 50/50% chance. Many men _really_ want children, until the baby is born, they realize just how *much work* it really is, then eventually dump most or all the responsibility on _you_ . This is a story that repeats itself way too many times. Really good dads are a handful and the only way of knowing is after baby is born.
3. Expectations of mothers are absolutely ridiculous compared to fathers. Men can do the bare minimum and will be praised by society, while they expect you to be a super mother. Don't have children if you don't have family members/friends to help you with the child. You absolutely need a support system besides your significant other (more so if you're neurodivergent). Your spouse can (and most likely will) burnout from parenting.
4. Children are a gamble, especially if you're neurodivergent. Having an autistic child is challenging, but an autistic child with co-morbidities such as intellectual/learning disabilities is even _more_ demanding of time, money, care, energy, accomodations, etc. But keep in mind that even _easy_ children are hard work.
5. Many parents will not disclose a lot of the bad sides of parenting if you're single or childless. Don't have children if you _need_ sleep to function. Lack of sleep can extend for _years_ on end, even if the child doesn't suffer any neurodevelopmental disorder. It's like walking, some children will sleep through the night later than others, and you don't get to choose which one you'll get.
These are the things I wish you consider before even _wanting_ children. I love my children to pieces but I deeply, _deeply_ regret them, for reasons that are not, and *_will never be_* , their fault.
Thank you so much for your candid honesty about this. I think itâs so, SO important to be able to express these truths, but I can imagine this point of view isnât the most welcome in most circles.
As a 36 year old newly-diagnosed autistic woman, Iâm starting to come to the realization that itâs likely not a good thing for me to have children (though I thought I always wanted to be a mom) because I am struggling more now than I ever have. It feels like I am years away from striking any possible balance in my delicate ecosystemâŠ
The ticking biological clock, and societal pressures coupled with seeing my peers succeed in a life I thought I would have, is a very palpable pain, yet I know parenthood is not something you can just scale back on when it becomes too much.
Thank you for sharing. â„ïž
@@jillclapham1949 Yes, people look at me like I hate my children for regretting being a mother, but the truth is you don't really know the full scope of motherhood until you're deep in the mud and can't get out, and that is your new normal... _for the rest of your life_ . When we feel the most tired and overwhelmed is when our children are the most intense. I have to fill their cups with mine empty. I have to numb myself to survive this toddlerhood stage. Some days are absolutely brutal and I don't know how I keep going.
Men have been such terrible and unreliable parents that, in my country, my husband took our son to get an assessment to get him into Occupational Therapy and the evaluator told him that she _doesn't assess children without their mother present_ . I was present for the other 5 assessments my son had. Give me a f*cking brake! Even when the father *_is_* responsible, they still burden the mother!!! Absolutely ridiculous! đ€Šđœââïž
All women, whether they are on the spectrum or not, should consider the points you raise before having children. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
ââI had a foreign male GYN doctor pressure me to have children "at my age" (27 at the time) and even raised his voice towards me when I told him I didn't want children. I don't think I would have survived if I had a child on top of my already miserable life, and would have been responsible for creating another miserable adult in the world, struggling to figure out what I couldn't, up until now.
Orion is so funny!!đ such a great guy.
So relatable, diagnosed last year and still working on not automatically having the mask on when I am out. I have fidget jewellery that I wear whenever I leave the house (have fidgeted with my jewellery my whole life so worth it to have some designed for it) and my loops go with me too, will be getting some new noise cancelling headphones soon too. Another thing that I am looking into is glasses that counteract fluorescent/bright lights indoors.
What kind of glasses do you use? I'm very sensitive to flourescent lighting
I have light and sound sensitivities too
@@sitathisfeet5797can you use transitions lenses that adjust under different light sources
Hey Orion, what a brilliant gift this chat is to all of us supporting our autistic kids to navigate the NT-centric world. Olivia is such a gem! Thanks mate.
I am 48 and I am just realizing my struggles in life are because I think differently and not because I choose to think differently. I'm not diagnosed, but I'm just starting my journey.
I hope you have people arround who are supportive.
It can be emotional to be diagnosed and find all this out later in life but also healing. And learning to work with your brain instead of trying to force it works neurotypically
Really enjoy the dialog between the two of you. đ People seem to forget that autism is a spectrum disorder, so by definition, there will be varying degrees to which each person aligns, or doesnât align. Appreciating the differences, and learning ways to function better, can only be beneficial. We each have things about us that we like or donât like. So we shouldnât be surprised when others donât fit into a neat, tidy package of traits!
My mother is autistic now nearly 90, although I've not been diagnosed with autism I received a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 51. I married a beautiful man who is autistic and our daughter was diagnosed as autistic and ADHD. I have to say having a child was absolutely the hardest thing I have every done but very rewarding. It was INCREDIBLY hard but I have to say that either way kids or not, every life is challenging regardless of what life brings. I can relate to so much you shared about making excuses not to go out. I'm probably on the spectrum not sure but personally I do really enjoy all of my high functioning friends, family and now you two "CZcamsrs"! Loved this video, so much fun to see you both 'click'!! Thanks to both of you for taking the time to have this conversation!
I would love to put multiple likes on this
My secret is to look ppl short in the eyes then I find spots on their faces and focus on them. Shifting every other second đ
There is a lot more to an autistic person than autism. Autistic people can be introverts, extraverts or any type on the Myers-Briggs personality system. Or the 5-factor personality system (OCEAN system), like conscientiousness. Or can prefer data, people, or things. Or many other variations. Whether or not a person will be a good parent can relate to any of these traits. Also, the child's personality will be a factor. Thinking about parenting can take all these things into consideration. A person is the best judge as to whether or not he/she should be a parent.
Knowing about autism gives us a great advantage, since we can forsee things that generations before us didn't understand. Autism for parents will have some challenges. Autistic people have made great contributions to the world. Thinking of evolution, I hypothesize that there must have been advantages to the genes that lead to autism since they are a certain percentage of the human population.
I would accept a diagnosis from you guys LOL. When I went to my GP with my suspicions, he said "why do you need to spend all that money to be told something you already know?" And I didn't have a ready answer for him (how autistic of međ ). And when I went to my psychiatrist (Trauma specialist), she told me she thought I was "too warm" to be autistic, but, I don't think it works that way. Then lickdown happened and I couldn't get over the border to Brisbane and now, I have no money to pursue it, and I don't drive and I am struggling with my cptsd and my ADHD and Autistic brain and barely coping with my everyday responsibilities. Having said that content creators like yourselves are my everyday solace, as I have no social life other than my partner and children, nor am I currently employed.
Having children has been a lifesaver for me, but VERY, VERY HARD. They bring me a lot of joy and fullfillment and yet it has been an utter rollercoaster. I started having children before adulthood, as a very vulnerable teen.
I just had my first evaluation appointment today, and yes, learning about autism and resonating with it to the point of going out of my way to get evaluated, I have seen so many people and with my "radar" thinking, they're absolutely on the spectrum.
Yes, now that I haven't been working and have been recovering from years of burnout, i am realizing the importance of having structure and routine built into your day. I lose track of days at a time! I am in a major transition with a new diagnosis, to boot!
How did it take me this long to discover this video! It perfectly describes how my wife (NT) and myself (ND) are raising our kid! To this day, I have zero idea of what happened in our house in the night!
This was such a fun & informative video to watch! It was all so relatable!
Yes.Yes. I have felt this way. Melt downs happen often in different forms. masking is very exhausting.
This video helped me a lot. I identify so much with both of you & think I may be autistic not just adhd. I have to get tested. Thank you đ
I didnât know Olivia, thanks for introducing ⊠with you and her I get the feeling we are the ânormalâ people. This is new to me, for 48 years I was feeling like an alien and thought all my quirks were my fault. Starting diagnosis after my daughter started diagnosis and doing all the resaearch gives me great relief, I am not alone, not crazy, not lazy, not a bad wife nor a bad mum. So, thanks again! But it will still probably be a bumpy road from knowing to doing ⊠đ
Great conversation. Thank you both for talking with us and helping us.
Y'all really do click so well, it's so fun to watch you chat! I hope you make more content together. Loved both of the collab videos.
I was just wondering... Is anybody else experiencing time in a totally bonkers way?! I mean i was just talking to a colleague abt stuff that happened last week and i was sure it was 2 weeks ago. He said no, it was last Wednesday! And then i realized that he was right but for my brain it was literally "ages ago" because i had to deal with so much since. The only certain time reference i had was that it was after i got back from vacation so it had to be about 2-3 weeks ago, right?! đ And this happens a lot. It always did. I just can't relate to time like normal people. It's like i live on a different planet. I can go for days thinking we're a day before/after. Things that take hours seemed like i only started a few minutes ago... I always put that one off to "i was just very focused" but i notice most people know when they've been focusing for a long time. I'm just like "howcome it's night time?!" And then when i stop i feel like i literally have no more neurons and can't even go to the bathroom or have a glass of water (not without feeling like falling over and bumping into walls at any rate).
I was just wondering if other people get "lost in time"...
I HAVE THE TIME ISSUE TOO.....I have never heard anyone else talk about time is VERY messed up for me......I cant keep track of it........I even wrote a song about it like 20 years ago.....called Time keeps slippin away..........anyway ya it is horrible......
Time blindness is a real part of the conditions
Around minute 20 you talk about having kids and I want to add : I never thought I would ever want kids. Worked at a special childcare kindergarten for three years under a neurodivers teacher. Great time, learned to love the insights I gained in being wirh these wonderful little humans. But still-it was work. My husband-as I mentioned -is also neurodivers and two years after finishing the work with children and building our own home(literally) I found this wish inside me growing:âgo on the adventure of creating a new human with your husband.â I was 29/30 then. It took time and a good ânestâ of neurodivers people around me to feel the confidence of more fitting in this world than being scraped off by this world. And after soaking up that confidence for some time this little wish-plant could grow and sprout into a wonderful family †let love grow. And by the way-not having any wishes for children is totally exeptable in my opinion. Not every human is built equalđ
Just listening in pieces and, Olivia, your earthquake etc. story cracked me up. I lived in Southern California for just over a year and we had hardly been there when I was rudely awakened about 4 AM, first with two sonic booms, a major jolt and it violently shook as I heard loud sounds I never heard before, like the earth was coming apart! I was sitting up in bed, terrified, wondering if this "was it" and my spouse slept right through it! [I think it was over a 4.5 earthquake]
Hearing that both of you made lists of things you related to was so interesting. I have a list like that in my computer right now
Both my parents were autistic (non-diagnosed). All my siblings are the same. I would not have wanted to have had neurotypical parents, that would have been very difficult. Even though autism was never diagnosed, and not even understood back then, there was a certain understanding of one another in our family. Our quirks, oddities just seemed normal. So, while there were judgments from outside and other problems, we weren't judged from within re our autism, Example, my father hated certain food textures and his mother made him eat those things. My dad would never force us to eat anything we didn't want to eat.
My first serious boyfriend was autistic and his whole family was, too. He fit into my family and I into his. I just thought they were more interesting than the neurotypical family. All these people were also gifted in interesting ways. I knew we were different, but always saw this as a good thing (NOT boring). There were tragedies. Both of us lost a brother when in our teens. In both cases these brothers were daredevil types and had fatal accidents. This was the horrible part of autism for me.
You would be a great mom Olivia! Just donât have 4, like me đ
I found out I could be on the spectrum when I was 33. Just months before my 16yo was diagnosed unexpectedly. We had him see a psychiatrist because he was depressed and angry, so it never even crossed our minds! His sister was diagnosed within a year later. Iâm on the fence about my third being on the spectrum, but my youngest is an exact âYoung Sheldonâ. Not diagnosed (yet)
Being pregnant, giving birth and raising a child was so full filling! That love can not be explained.
Your child will never feel alone and like an outsider, because of they too have asd, you will know exactly how to raise them. They will be loved and love themselves for who they are.
I am listening to this in public in headphones and I literally started cracking up laughing at parts of this because itâs so frikin relatable like whaaaat
Olivia I think it would be great to have a child like you. If that soul comes into the world with a mum who understands him/her then what a blessing it would be. I love my autistic son so much, heâs taught me so many things and letting him grow up to be himself and not feel shamed about his autism has such a healing effect on me. I also love my neurotypical daughter who Iâve had the pleasure of watching grow up and do all the things I could never do. Itâs such a blessing.
Living in the US, while I was diagnosed on the spectrum "later" than others, I was diagnosed while still a minor at age 14. It provided me a form of income known as a disabled child of a social security beneficiary. At age 18 social security sent me for confirmation testing that only cemented the diagnosis. However, I also have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder which just FURTHER cemented my rights to disability benefits. Fast forward almost two years and I gained a diagnosis of now known as CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome- a chronic pain disorder). Since that time I have gained the (heavily sarcastic) lovely list of diagnoses- dysautonomia/autonomic nervous system dysfunction, central pain syndrome, hyperalgesia, allodynia, central sleep apnea secondary to dysautonomia, diabetes complicated by adrenal insufficiency (which of course worsened the dysautonomia. At the current time my psychiatrist is contemplating a diagnosis of non 24hr circadian rhythm disorder but she wants it verified by a sleep medicine specialist and I'm likely looking at a diagnosis (not sure the type) of bladder issues secondary to dysautonomia.
I personally think that my biggest current trigger to my autism is knowing that how the adrenal insufficiency and the dysautonomia are behaving is worrying some of my providers as they are noticing that I am getting to a point of my conditions and their side effects are looking like they are spiraling downhill and they may not be able to keep my body to continue to function in a life compatible way.
Yikes! I would think autism is the least of your problems right now. Good luck.
This was a great video. Thank you both so much. I am relieved that there are people like me in the world. I have felt so alone in the world and felt like there is something really wrong with me. Now I know what it is and for the first time ever, I can truly accept myself instead of fighting myself. Orion you are adorable. I bet you are a wonderful husband and father. As parents and spouses, we can be hard on ourselves, whether we are autistic or not. But it is because we care. It matters to us that we are a good parent and a good spouse. You are so relatable. I appreciate that. : )
OMG I have been doing this too, i see this in a few kids, and even a few of my good friends. Actually at my new job I have been really wanting to ask someone if they are autistic, because we communicate very very very similarly and typically when they answer my questions I dont need to ask a follow up question like i do with most NTs
I was diagnosed with autism when I was 29 (I'm 31 now), but what took me to take the test was an off comment of my psychologist I was seeing because of depression. I don't remember what the session was about, but she at some point said "... you aren't autistic, right?" in a way I had to change myself because I wasn't neurodivergent and had no reason to be the way I was. I had to toughen up. A year later my sister had trouble in school and was diagnosed ADHD and my mum asked me if I wanted to give it a try. At the time the only words that were in my head were still "... you aren't autistic, right?" So I said yes.
And that's how I got to know I belong to the spectrum. The only help I get are these videos when it comes to know myself though. My diagnosis is full of deficiency here deficiency there, and when a local psychologist talks to you about autism she draws a line and tells you "you are around here" and "you don't need to mention it at work". So... thank you very much for your CZcams channels.
This makes me angry (that these videos are the only source of acknowledgement, education, and relief for so many, and that it continues to be this way)! When is our "healthcare" industry ever going to get up to speed?! The lack of knowledge regarding this subject in medical communities is abominable and needs to change!
New to your channel! Thank you for speaking clearly, youâre one of the few channels that you donât need subtitles forâŠalso helps that you speak Australian! đ
I found incredible that if you are autistic you have taking the road to know yourself, this is a healthy road, that will bring you happiness wherever challenge will be face... In a world that have so much issues and were everyone are the holders of the true, seeing you guys talk naked in front of everyone is a great lesson and cathartic for any human being know who you are and embrace it ..
and dont take yourself as the holder of the truth.â€
The connection that a mom has to with her baby cannot be understood until it happens. My neurodivergent brain gave me hyper-vigilance. The first 6 weeks are the hardest
I relate to the part about kids so much that it brings tears to my eyes. my partner always wanted kids and I never did. I have the same fears and the same guilt about denying him this part of life. I'm potentially open to adoption, but probably at a later stage in life, and still I'm not sure if I'll ever be capable of being around a child as much as children usually require
Love it That was awesome thank you for sharing feel like I have true friends
@Olivahops I 1000% agree with Orian about how having that supportive partner will change everything with bringing a kid in the world. As a 32 yr old still undiagnosed due to finances..it's life changing and we'll worth it.
11 mins into this one, I am very much enjoying this interaction and experiences you both are sharing
Such a great video. Personal, informative, and kind. That's Hops and Kelly for ya.
I love your shirt. I always tell people my personal bubble is extra big.
Parenting! Luckily, my little Alice is my special interest. I call her my "support child." She helps me so much.
I started crying listening to you guys. It's crazy how close my own story is to yours, I didn't get a diagnosis until THIS YEAR and I am 52!! But it was such a relief when I finally accepted it because it describes me and my life 100%!! But I also did the whole denial cause I thought I was just wanting to be Autistic so that's why the tests said I was. LOL. I sound so much like you guys!!! I actually don't feel as strange and I don't feel as bad now seeing autism everywhere. Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Iâve had an overactive autism radar recently, glad Iâm not alone.
Hey, Iâm an autistic Mum and just to let you know I have 2 neurodivergent children and 3 neurotypical children so I guess itâs a toss of the dice which you will end up with. In saying that I find having neurodivergent children I can relate to them easier at times because I know that they are having the same struggles as I am. Just wanted to let Olivia know that she can have the best of both worlds.
Oh wow, this was so validating! I've been wondering for a long time whether i might be autistic, but i have major depression and for years i thought it was that. But now recently I've had some meltdowns i can't put down to depression. After the worst one a couple of weeks ago i went and tested myself with the autotest that the health department was recommending to professionals to give to their adult patients. I scored 94 where they said no "normal" person scored more than 64. Obviously (for me) i got fixated on "am i?! maybe i just faked it" and started researching autism like crazy. And then i went into the spiral of "you're just faking it, self diagnose is always BS, it's hypochondria, what's a diagnosis anyway it's just a label for a victim who doesn't want to out in the effort to adapt and expects everyone else to accommodate them, you're just a weirdo, self tests don't matter even if they're the official ones and you score more than you could possibly account for by "maybe i didn't understand the question", it's demeaning to actually autistic people that you're trying to put your weird introversion as autism, you're just lazy and looking for an excuse, you've been able to function in an open space for years before, this is just an excuse to get privilege because covid showed everyone working from home is possible and you love that" and so on. It's like every thing I've hated but forced myself to do before suddenly became unmanageable and my brain is just recycling what I've always been told to make it my fault, in horrible ways I'd never think of if anyone else asked me "look i have all these uncontrollable outburst and things and I'm wonder if it could be autism, what should i do?". But because it's me, i can't be the way i am with other people, because with me I've always had to control everything and be cruel to get myself to do stuff... And even then sometimes it didn't work...
I talked to a friend and i want to ask my psychiatrist what she thinks but I'm scared. And researching the diagnosis process i was like "who can i ask to give a witness account? I have no significant other and my mom is totally in denial even about my depression, she'd just say again about how I'm too sensitive and never grew up and all that jazz". And i guess I'm also terrified that if i'm told off it will be just confirmation that i'm a lazy bitch who does a drama queen routine to pretend she can't work! Even though i know it's just my brain working against me, and my psy is great and knows me for years and already told me she thinks i am gifted, so yeah, autistic is not far off... And she said she's specializing in the triad (adhd, asd, gifted), so i guess she'd know... But being already diagnosed with major depression and still getting to grips with it years after the diagnosis, it's so hard to make myself ask this... I feel like I'm asking for another label to excuse myself. It's ridiculous how even after years and years of managing negative self talk it still gets through so much...
Anyway, thanks for this video, it gave me a bit of hope. And again i see so many things that fit. I was laughing just at the end thinking abt how in the past 15 years i've been constantly told that I'm never without my headphones and that i "choose" to isolate and that's why I can't have relationships. It's funny and sad at the same time. And the worst part is now i can't stand my headphones anymore either. I'm just feeling like i have to constantly find a music i can stand so i can be insulated from the noise of the outside world because these days it's driving me crazy. Every day at the office ends with me exhausted and sometimes incapable to even talk, and i can't explain it just by "too much work". In fact if i can just intensely work in my corner i feel much better than if i have to be in meetings. After 3 days at the office, the day of working from home is a cry parade with mental exhaustion and near 0 productivity. Idk what's happening, but i can only call it a meltdown. I have some classical music that still calms me but i just want out! I spent a week trekking in the desert and the quiet and emptiness of the wilderness was soooo amazing! No people, no noise, no hectic running around and always having to go faster... I could have stayed there for months!
Depression and anxiety are common symptoms of Autism and ADHD
Hahaha i growled at my baby, shes 2 now but she learned to growl back. Grandma heard her growl and was thrown off. đ
I really appreciate this video. Thank you.
I have no idea how adults are diagnosed in my country, bc i feel as if i relate to a lot of things autistic women say about themselves and I'm afab, but i know that my mother went with me to a psychiatrist when i was like 5-6 yo and they said i was fine. I still struggle with many things tough, and my first adult psychiatrist said we're going to treat depression, but I'm not sure i feel depressed, i think i just struggle with social interactions and basic needs
@captainalistair Trust yourself. Your true diagnosis is likely getting missed :(
I love this conversation! (Everyone sounds good too!)
Oh my gosh! The two of you in conversation is absolutely wonderful!
I too love the idea of being a mom but my sensory issues cause me to not want biological children, or even a husband (use your imagination). I want to adopt a child or two though, there are plenty of kids who need parents and I am happy to help!
I really enjoyed listening to this
My kid is my chocolate Labrador. She is the best kid in my autistic mind that i could ever want. She watches me when l feel down and she crawls into my lap and lets me know i am loved.
I believe that my autism manifests in a atypical manner. I unlike the stereotypical autistic person I personally canât seem to shut up when surrounded by people. This may be due to having constantly being in large groups of people growing up. I would wake up for school and my household would be filled with daycare kids, at school I was surrounded by other students, I went home to a household full of daycare kids, and even family reunions had so many people there that they could barely fit into wherever it was held.
Not shutting up is typically autistic..needing hours alone time to recalibrate afterwards is one of the signs of autism apparently...neurotypical people who talk alot apparently don't need that calibration..
I felt the same way about kids my whole life. I remember wanting to adopt when I was still a kid myself. I terminated two pregnancies because the thought of having a baby terrified me. My sister-in-law caused the second termination by telling me to get lots of sleep now because I wouldn't be sleeping after the baby was born. That was it. I terminated immediately afterwards. I need my sleep!
Sorry this is so long, but be glad you discovered this now, guys. I'm just finding out that there are people like me out there, and I'm 58!
Yeah, it was probably the best choice, though it's always very difficult to make. People who genuinely need sleep to function, will not like being a parent and if they're autistic, may not be able to handle it at all.
I relate to some of this but see even more similarities for my daughter.
I can confirm the struggle on the experience of parenting. Having to deal with the sensory stuff (ie screaming and crying) while being sleep deprived is seriously challenging. But you basically have to make accommodations for yourself. Lots of breaks. Lots of relaxation time. Ear plugs.
Ear plugs keep me hanging onto sanity.
Amen.
@@AlexShiroI wish I could find a decent pair
After my ADHD diagnosis which I felt wasn't helpful. I am really anxious to ever try to et diagnosed again.
@22:40 - âGod only knows what would happen to the world without people like us, right⊠so we donât want to stop making themâŠâ
AMEN!!!
I also want to say that, assuming / being fearful that your child may âbe like you,â that theyâll be forced to go through the same anxiety, depression and hardships youâve gone through is unfairâŠ. Especially with the knowledge and compassion you hold just saying that. Youâve experienced it -which sucks, but- youâre now empowered and better equipped to help that little fellow human grow in love and empathy, and to recognize struggles and offer advice and coping strategies / skills for them to become the amazing and unique person they were created to be. ââ€ïž
@30:00 - ââŠyouâre *rude* - Iâm âšautistic.âšâ WOWâŠ.. Story of my life! I am forever never being taken seriously by males, but then the very same suggestion / remark I had gets praised when coming from some guy. UGH.
I relate to not waking up for the baby. And I felt so guilty but I have to have my sleep. Seriously!
I've always wanted kids. But the crying would drive me crazy. I would tell myself I'll pray and have ear plugs. I wanted so much to know I could take care of something. But, honestly, it may be for the best that I didn't even though at times it still feel sad.