Alcoholism and My Dad (How You Can't Save Everyone) - Story Time with TommyKay
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- čas přidán 28. 12. 2020
- Tommy gets deep with chat and talks about alcoholism and how his dad had issues with it throughout his entire life. The main point of the talk is Tommy realized that you just can't save everyone when they don't want to change themselves. Please be cool and chill about this stuff, it's really deep stuff that Tommy decided to share with everyone.
► TommyKay's Twitch: / tommykaylive
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TommyKay talks about stories from his childhood and early adulthood in a long, loved showed: Story Time with TommyKay! He gives his opinion and talks about random stuff in life, on the internet and more!
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"Learn from these mistakes" -Father TommyKay
"I will never play map games" - Children of Father TommyKay
I love Tommy. So transparent and willing to tell the chat about personal life
Yeah, its interesting and it helps give him alot of support, as he said before, east german families dont really express their emotions often so its good for him to have a platform like this to get it off his chest.
Markoni, if you see this and want to pass it on to Tommy: my family is heavily alcoholic over the generations. I've very close with my uncle and he is very important to my life. And with him being an alcoholic, I didnt want to realize and notice it until it became bad. The best thing me and my family has done was to tell him how we want to see him succeed, we want him to be there for the important parts of my life. For tommy, it would be simply wanting his dad be there for when he gets married, when he has kids, to be there and enjoy life with his family. It's always best to get alcoholics grounded in the family and involve them as much as possible
He once said that we are not his fans but we are his friends, such a great guy.
When my dad was in his 20's, Just out of when he got in university at the time, he got into drugs, if it wasn't my Mother, he would would have continued being a junkie, he got cleaned up, he knew what he did wrong, when I was born, he was a caring buy very strict father, especially about school, he died because of silent hepatitis B, because of that period on his life, he died when I was 9, later when my Mother told me this, I understood why, he didn't want me to do the same as him. He wanted a better future for me, that sometimes makes me think, damn, he really loved me.
damn that must really suck, having one of your parenrs die when your at a young age must really suck. I hope you and your mother are doing okay
The exact same thing happened for me, except my parents divorced instead of dying. I can’t imagine life without my father, I share my condolences. Good luck bro, and keep your head up
The father of my best friend died of alcoholism about 2 years ago. Since his parents broke up. He lived with his mom and he continually grew hate against his Dad. After his Dad died, he got his heritage and said "Since he gave all of his money for Alcohol, I will do the same. It would`ve been what he wanted." And to see a person easily follow the same path of self-destruction is frightening. He's well better nowadays and I'm proud of him. To see how fast people will grab to alcohol to ease the pain is again, frightening.
holy shit
The more I learn about Tommy through his life stories the more I respect him as a true alpha male
Markoni, never stop posting videos like these. This is always 10 times better then any podcast or audiobook. All the best in 2021 :D!
Yep I got you bois
@@Markoni1100 do more if you can
Hey! I usually don't comment on any CZcams video but this hit too close. My dad was an alcoholic. I'm a Finnish male and alcoholism is a big thing here. I was 18 when my dad died due to complications that came with years of drinking. It has been 18 years since he died and i still think could i have done anything. But you can't change anything, the healing has to come from his own initiative. He has to want to get better. My dad was in those rehabs but he didn't really want it, relapsed right away after. I still remember the good. He was a good man, and lost too much too young.
Don't blame yourself for anything. I would say to your dad as you is that if you want help, i will be here.
Sorry for any errors , this has been written on phone.
That really sucks, but there are people who can't be helped. They must want to be helped, even if they never admit it. I'm sorry you and your father have to go through that.
I've had my own problems with similar things and I can definitely attest to this. No matter how hard you try to help someone if they don't want it, sadly it ain't gonna happen
I can relate to this too. My gf's dad has huge problem with alcohol. Violence, loosing job, driving license, arrested by Police. She is slowly realizing that she cant do shit because he just doesnt want to. It is crazy how low some people can be.
Vamos, tuga!
you know what, the phrase: "you cant save everyone" hits different once you think about it. rehabilitation isnt about overcoming your demons and dealing with yourself, its about the effort you put into helping yourself, and sometimes, the best of your efforts... wont be enough. reality sometimes is harsh than we think. if you want to try, try. but even if you fail, try to go easy on that stuff, even if its a bottle less, its something.
5:30 this. this was the moment the video got me, it hit me. i was on that place too, i wanted to die, i understand completely that feeling of just wanting to suicide and just hope whatever is next is better. i understand that completely. and that feeling (unless you get help, work on yourself and blablabla) it grows deeper, it grows darker, it grows. thats the reality of life, some people just arent cut for life in general and just wanna die. but we cant never be sure our deaths wont bring pain to others...
thank you markoni, thank you for this.
That last sentence (heck the whole post but especially that last bit) is absolute truth, and honestly that's pretty much what I think the phrase "one day at a time" truly entails
As a kid I've had the whole "Drinking stepfather that ends up violent" thing, today I can't stand a single drop of alcohol because of this, my mind instantly brings back memories
Tommy's dad needs a purpose. He needs a reason to want to take care of himself. As a man just thinking about not being useful would eat me up too.
Very true
Same in almost every post communist country during the 90s
Yeah :/
It's the sad reality of eastern europe
Yeah, and what is also sad, I see alot of my friends going down the same path, they have that mindset if you don't drink you are a pussy or you're not fun person to hang around. Also, being asses to their girlfriends.
@@emoegotin2886 And central Asia, alcoholism is so pervasive in the post soviet sphere its so sad.
@@emanuelcrepinkoo5037 Yeah, alcohol is a son of a bitch. Wish it wasnt so fun.
Same happend to my Dad, he was very kind of succesful (no mafia and messing up with the goverment but had a very good job, something with space after he was done with teaching in Zukov's military armour school) until the fall of the USSR. Since the fall of the USSR, he started drinking alot more than he used to.Because everything he had was worthless same with his achivements.Since the rest of the family moved to Israel (they're jews) he got nothing left in Russia, he did the same, but the diffrent languages, people,and the same problems he had in Russia really screwed him and he couldn't even hold on in a regular job. At the end he flew back to Russia, two weeks later he died(because of the Alcohol, a heart attack).He was a very smart guy, but everytime I visited him as a kid he was stinking of Alcohol, but I really loved him because we loved the same things and I learned alot, I didn't understand at the time that he got problems like that.But of what I've heard alot of people tried to help him, but he denied them all.
Can't really blame him. A lot of people lost everything after the fall of the USSR.
Not sure if Tommy will ever see this, but most of my life both my parents were alcoholics. My mum works at a bar, dad was unemployed most of my life. Both broke up when I was young and was into the alcohol for a very long time. My dad managed to quit because he had a mental breakdown (funnily enough at the same time as me) and he signed off (basically stopped getting money all together) he lost his flat became homeless and had no income at all for a year and a half. And the breakdown, and the fact that he lost his unemployment allowance meant he had no choice but to quit because he couldn't afford the income. Sometimes the best solution is the most evil looking. But as someone who grew up with that culture, I don't even drink anymore. Much love to everyone out there that was in similar situations
Tommy is a great person, is sad I cant see his streams live :(
Wow, can relate to all this too. The constant calls on phone "I love you so much, I was an asshole, but I love you" you can feel their regret for not being their when you grew up. But I still love this man to death, he as never told me to fuck off or shown any signs of not loving me, which alot of children experience. He did everything he could by the means he had, today he is much better and a great grand father to my children. He takes them out to the park everyday, I think deep inside he does this because I never did for me.
much love, you will get through this
Tommy may not know a lot about some things, but surely knows a lot about many others. He's got a wonderful attitude/life philosophy, and I believe streams like those are really making a difference for some people. If you'll ever read this, thank you Tommy
My Dad worked as a steel mason in a shipyard in Glasgow but lost his job during the 80's when the British Government denationalised the Britsish Shipbuilding Company and sold it to a Norwegian company. My Dad was always a heavey drinker but loved his job so losing it made him spiral. I think forced into a new job which he hated and all the new found spare time he got was a perfect combination. What you said about your Dad being a traditional working man not listening or seeking help is so relatable. My family have tried numerous times, but at some point youve just got to let it be. He is coming up to 70 now and Im pretty sure it will kill him, but you have to come to peace that its out of your control sometimes
He’s 100% right my friends dad basically starved himself to death last March, because of alcoholism. They couldn’t do anything for him he was just a lost cause
Honestly tommy has the best stories
that's the story of my life bro, drunk and can't talk, so i get more drunk to talk, but then i'm too drunk
I will say that I am going through the same thing but I’m 14 and this situation with my dad has matured me he is 50 and alcoholics are through my blood and my family
My grandpa was sitting down with guests then my dad walked in and my grandpa told him to come sit with them and he gave him a drink then my grandpa asked him if he wanted another drink ny dad said yes and he got punched in the stomach he never drunk again
I was kind of following the same path as his dad, at 17 i started smoking weed. At first it was okay but the more you advance and the more you need. I took more and more drugs, acid, mushroom, cocaïne... I tried a lot of them. Then when I was 19 my girlfriend left me and that was the breaking point. I was already a big smoker but after that I was hitting like 30-40 bong a day, vodka in the coffe when I was waking up (and I was working)... I was spitting blood and I was glad my time was coming. Then at 22 years old I leaved my job and returned to my mom's house to cure myself. It's been a year now and i'm full clean, I smoke from time to time but I really don't want to go back where I was.
It was hard to get out of it. A lot of people tried to help me and I wanted them to help me but deep inside me I knew that they couldn't. I was the only one able to change myself. It took time (too many probably) but here I am. I lost a lot of my memory, my short time memory is horrible. I was a pretty smart kid (very humble I know) but now i'm more like a retard. I started to read books again, I'm actually trying to get my degree and pursue my study to become a software engineer (i didn't have any degree so i'm basicly starting all over again).
A message for everyone who understand what I'm saying and who live a similar thing. Don't give up! You can actually do it. I was sure I would be stuck like that for the rest of my life, I was sad all the time and I though about ending my life from time to time but I made it! And if I could, I assure you that you can. You need to make a big change in your life but trust me, it's worth it. Don't let yourself in autodestruction mode. Be happy about what you have, even if it's nothing. Be happy about yourself. Be at peace with your own deamons.
(sry for bad english, not my native langage)
It’s important to realize that alcoholics can’t just drop alcohol all together most of the time since it has physical issues and if bad enough he could die from being off of alcohol.
In most cases the symptoms of withdrawal can be held under control with proper medical care. The reason for addiction and for relapse after rehabilitation are more complex, but Tommy did a good job explaining how trauma and the habitat people live in makes them prone to dependence on substances. If you are interested in what addcition is I recommend the book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts written by doctor Gabor Maté
@@andreicireasa3954 alcoholics, even when detoxed still have this pathway in the brain where any emotional problem is dealt with by using alcohol. It’s such an addiction and hard habit that it’s difficult for those around them to understand. I have a relative who is in a fight with alcoholism. The person has gone to in-patient treatment detoxes and programs many times but always relapsed. Psychological trauma built from when they were youths. My relative just got out of another in patient detox and got a job. Fingers crossed that my relative can make a change.. before it’s too late : | .
@@andreicireasa3954 my comment isn’t really a direct reply, but I felt like sharing. Have a nice day 👍🏼
As a former psychologist all I feel and can show now is: 😖😖😖
He is such a great guy, he got lucky with twitch but all he has done until now was taking care of his family. People like him are just pure gold
I'm very fortunate to not have a father who is great, and not an alcoholic. He doesn't do drugs, his only physical problems is he is a legit giant and he has a lot of pain because of it. I feel awful to know that people struggle with alcoholism and I wish I would be able to do more about it.
One year later after this Video
Coming back from announcement video that TommyKay and Lisa are about to be parents. I think in the bright side, His(Tommykay's) father will eventually find the purpose of life is to cherish and care his only grandchild. And I think he will be a great grandfather, regardless of how his bad past life was. He will be.
Good luck Tommy, and congratulation
My dad became an alcoholic addict when my sister was born, 25ish years ago, and after so many years of alcohol abuse and health neglect, he passed away June this year, on his 52 year birthday.
Even though it was hard living with someone with this condition, you kinda of get used to, and as Tommy said, you cannot save anyone but yourself.
I always get touched by these kind of stories, but that's real life and everyone got its own issues to deal with, and that's why I don't like to judge people, we never know that they've been through.
i wonder if tommy succeded in making him go to rehab, i hope so. much love to tommy
My mom was an alcoholic and she was on rehab and rehapsed for a bunch of times. But she never gave up because my granda(her mother) and me never let her give up. Just never keep pushing him and he might listen to it and do it
Close friend of mine recently told me that she held off another friend of ours from committing suicide.
I didn't know at that very time, but yeah. It makes me now wish that I had played my part in it, helped in any way, you know. And that's even though I did talk to him as well, a bunch of times.
So this really resonates with me. In my case, it ended well, so far, since he didn't. But it happened all pretty much behind my back, with me having no idea.
It's a really scary thought.
Anyhow... I am so, so thankful and honestly humbled that there are people like there out. I mean, just willing to help or save or whatever you wanna call it. Might not always be possible, and yo probably don't get the recognition you deserve, but fucking hell. Let it be known, we know that you are out there. And we are fucking thankful. I know I am.
I love you Tommy. I always felt that you are such a good person and so transparent.
Tommy, Ive come to realize theres no completing my fathers addiction so I recommend cutting ties and atlesst setting terms to his alcoholisn. Maybe during your vacation. Just allow your dad the daily late drinking but limit it to atleast loosen him up to talk man but honestly tommy idk. Youre right, Its a rlly difficult situation.
Thank you Tommy, when I am listening to this at 6AM in the morning in this eerie surreal time frame, for being so open about your dilemmas. We are very similar, I would love to meet you one day, love from Australia. All the best to you and your family.
I love the depth of Tommy, he is actually a very intelligent guy, transparent and honest. No wonder why he has the success he has, keep it up guys!!!
Appreciate it markoni, this is the content I missed.
I dont get, emotional often, but watching this video made me tear up a little bit. Its such a sad situation, I hope the best for tommy and his dad.
If Tommy ever happen to read this commentary.. my godfather, he raised me from 5 to 17 years while my father was working in another country to provide for us. Same story of your father. Years passed, my godfather got cirrhosis (fucked his liver) and a doctor told him: "Luis Alberto, you drink once more, you die" Year passed, he managed not to drink, but men, he passed through so much shit and decided to drink again, he make his call. I caught him in the act, and he told me, I am doing this. And yeah, weeks passed and he choke in his own blood. Quick death at least. I understand perfectly your point, but in the end, it is their call and you can not force them man. Regards from Paraguay
This is some very east europe thing, also it's not just a dads but aslo a moms problem. I live in Russia and my mom died from alchogolism a year ago and i feel guilty to this day, even tho i know for sure i couldn't do anything to save here, i still have nightmares about her. My uncle told me to not let here out of house and literally control her every movement but that was just too much for me as a teenager. I think you are right sometimes we just can't save everyone.
This was such a amazing thing to listen to, i hope Tommy finds a way to solve this.
Thanks for sharing this important issue. I would say don't give him money, but, pay his bills, buy him groceries, give him your time and keep encouraging him to get help every once and a while.
The talking about emotions part is so true. My dad never shows any emotion beyond some anger, but as soon as he drinks even a little it all comes out. And I realize how much shit he's carrying inside and how hard his life was compared to mine. I can't imagine what it's like to think back to your childhood and remember that half of your friends killed themselves or got killed for some stupid shit.
My dad does crazy dangerous stuff when he is drunk. We never talk.
I feel you man... for 8 years I have been trying to turn my uncle's life around, drinking, smoking, doing drugs... he even did a probation time because of drugs, yet I have had same experience as Tommy. you should have seen my face when I discovered a month ago that he himself decided to turn his own life around.. he dropped everything at once, smoking, drinking, doing drugs... everything! and he knew that I worried about his health so when I saw him two days ago... do you know what he said? I am fine buddy, everything is going great and my health is getting better. I think what you as his son can do is just give him an example and make him learn with his heart that he does have people who worry about him and his health.
Growing up my aunt was an alcoholic and even though she was a functioning alcoholic she always drank way too much. We all knew it was coming when her liver would go but we just didn't know when, and it happened the day before she was supposed to go to rehab and she died in her sleep. Even though we all expected it it still hit everyone in my family hard and it was especially rough for my grandparents who then turned to more drinking because of it. It's an endless cycle of addiction and it sucks and the worst part is you know it's coming when they die but when it actually comes you're caught off guard in a strange way and it still hurts losing them.
Thanks for uploading.
All you can do is help emotionally, he can only go to rehab and succeed if he genuinely wants to change for the better, and the more pain he's in, the harder that becomes. He needs to open himself to change, the world has changed around him and he needs to adapt, even if he's done great as your dad. As for your grandpa, shit happens, it's hard. I know how it is.
Never lose hope. Even if you think that sending him to rehab wont work you should try to know for sure if it works. If rehab doesnt work then you can always pray for him.
My father died 2 years ago now from alcoholism. Died an alcoholic went to rehab multiple times but kept going back. He was a piece of shit and I hated him but learning more about him after he died and him not even being here to hate made me in my heart love him. And Tommy’s stories about his dad make me cry because I can imagine my dad in all these situations that Tommy’s dad is/was in. I will never drink because of him (and my mother) and I will stand by that no matter what. A lot of people get annoyed when I discourage alcohol but it is dangerous and a horrible drug that can tear people and families apart. Something to take away is that just know your limits and have people that you know will be able to support you and if you don’t find some, I guarantee that someone out there will be there for you.
Luckily, I've never known or had to personally deal with substance abuse,
But I feel like you can only help someone with issues if they want the help, like Tommy repeatedly mentioned how he has/ would offer to help his father, but he always refused which makes me think Tommy's father doesn't want help, maybe he doesn't see his relationship with alcohol as particularly troublesome or may even use it as a mechanism to cope with all of the issue in his life (losing his job, splitting with Tommy's mother etc) in which case I'm not sure what would be the best path to take, either way, I hope Tommy's father is happy and Tommy continue to support his father as that's all you can really do.
Wishing the best from England
My dad was really the same his whole life, but with other drugs. It's a really fucked situation. Classic working class American guy who got into drugs in the 70-80's. He cleaned up a few times but died earlier this year because of health problems related to drug abuse... and maybe sadness from ruining everything
I think it's interesting how in this is us there is almost a generational curse between Kevin and Jack. Jack uses alcohol to cope with the war, his abusive childhood. While Kevin uses alcohol to deal with his shortcomings as a person, not being his father, and the atmosphere of just being a celebrity. It's sad to think that mental illness and vices can pass from generation to generation even when their issues are completely. different
Very relatable. Both of my parents are alcoholics (and heavy smokers) and l always have tried to get them to stop but even if it happens for a month or two, it always comes back when something shit happens. lt's just something you really can't help unfortunately, l think.
My older brother is simular and it hurts a lot. Doctors always say they cant help someone if they dont see something is wrong. Many girlfriends tried to change my brother but they all left him because they just gave up after a time...
it's not just an east german thing, more like east europe thing
I think that Tommy highlights a good point, not all alcoholics are terrible and violent, one of my family friends was like that, but it still eats away at them
I legit cried
tommykay jr:
I wanna tell you guys about my dads hoi4 addiction
my good childhood friend is a huge alcoholic and its just sad we used to play games together now he is so drunk al the time he cant even play a fps
addiction to gaming may be our generations drug im not sure however as long as we all have balanced lives our kids should be great. much love tommy!
From Wisconsin. It's sad what alcohol can do to people.
It is not a task of the children, to be the parents of their parents.
8:37 good timing
im from a post soviet country and me and tommy have such similar circumstances
This hit close.
Thing is you can't help people who doesn't want to be helped. but thing is sometimes they do but they don't see their problem as a problem or sometimes they don't feel like the person understands what it's like at all so they shut you off. Speaking from experience (i am bipolar and found out my father had undiagnosed bipolar, which makes him run back to the bottle everytime he gets a depressive episode) the only thing you can do is to sit down and have a calm talk and slowly go into the topic saying that you can see he is suffering and then you ask him how it feels without being accusatory about the alcoholism. if he want's to get helped he might begin to open up a bit about his pain and after a couple of talks like this u will know if it is one or the other and if it is simply because he doesn't understand that it is a problem but work out strategies of how to make him realise without being accusatory because that is the worst thing you can do if you really want to help.
I feel like I had the similar experience as you tommy my dad passed away when I was almost 16 he was a mean drunk and bipolar, he was only 43. That was about 5 years ago and I wonder often if I could have made his life easier and been less of a shitty teenager
Markoni is best editor.
Sometimes this people don’t find a meaning or a purpose to go on. They think the people around them would go on as nothing happened if they were gone. A very important thing to do and express is telling them how much you need them, that simple thing could make them remember as their goal on what to go on. Tommy should really give it a try to tell him how much he needs him. If you think, for what? you know the person, you know what they could be fond of.
For these type of people to an extant they need to become scared to have any real chances of changing. Meaning a major healthscare needs to happen. Sadly even this won't always work.
In some sense the alchohol is their hobby. In a grim way, their passion. It's hard to change your community and your hobby that late in life. It's your entire identity. Honestly, I don't even think it's worth it always. If they are a happy drunk, then I mean at least they are happy.
Hey Tommy I hope you see this. I work for an organization that provides support for people with addictions etc. I think this types of organizations should be available in Germany as well. Try to find a social services provider who provide addiction support and they will helpout.
These are usually ongoing support not like the rehabs where they torcher the people with harsh discipline and they go back to relapse as soon as they get back on their own.
Deep
Tell him you love him and that you're thankfull for what he did for you. Is the most you can do for him, especially if hi's a man's man. I know, i lost my father to alcoholism.
Now i respect Tommy more then anyone els
After my Dads 9th DUI I just decided to start shrugging off his apologies lol
let it be. just show love, but otherwise let it be.
Cannot help people who will not help themselves.
The only way to really fix addictions is to fix the root cause. The pain inside him is fueling his addiction and he could try and stop but unless that pain is fixed he will just back to his addiction. Therapy and then rehab is the best solution I see...
My mum and dad broke up a few years ago... alcohol was a part of it. Its a shame drink is so normalised in Europe and I've vowed I am never going to touch booze
@Ben Stark Bro your lastname literally means „strong“ in German. Lol awesome!
That moment when you realize you know more about tommy then your friends
This is so similiar to what is happening with my dad :(
Bulgaria is literally that rn
I probably can discuss that topic in private with anyone if someone need a help on that issue. Alcoholism is a huge problem for people grew up in communism block, as they idea and beliefs fall down together with USSR, but there is some ways to dealt with that problem, non of ways is easy
I can relate to this in such a high sad level, eastern block fathers are so so sad, a latvian I knew once called them the losr generation especially in latvia, believing in all this facebook shit being drunkies and stuff and no one knows how to help.
I think you have to find a cause to fight for.
Try to hang out with ur dad more often, don't talk about his problems, just be bro's.
I hope Tommy will tell the stream what happened after Christmas with his father
East EU here, same thing here
Now about that Prohibition...
I had similar problems with mine, with the difference he was a violent one. i don't think rehab is the better option, therapy attacks the root of the emotional scars that develop into things like alcoholism. Obviously it only works if the person recognizes his problems, you cant do anything if that doesnt happens. Also, do therapy for yourself if you didn't, as im sure this left scars in you too.
My dad drinks more then he should, but he never fucked up our family because of it financially , I never really cared because I saw it as harmless and was never sad that he didnt spend a lot of time with me , but it really hurts my mom mentally , she doesnt like that he drinks and they fight regularly , although it used to be worse then now. My Dad is highly educated and a smart person and his drinking is his biggest flaw in my view, mom can add some personality issues which i dont really care about (no big connection to dad emotionaly).
8:39 XD
Perfectly timed xD
Doubt matey will see this but, if anyone else is in this situation the best thing you can do with this type of person is just find things to do with them, find ways to help them physically not emotionally these types of blokes don’t understand that just find hobbies and shit to do
The title hit me like a truck "how you can't save everyone" that's really fucking depressing and sad but it's true and that's what I hate about it.
It's interesting to think about alcohol and its relation to other drugs. Were alcohol invented in the 60s or something I feel it'd be more illegal than weed.
damn that’s a sad title to see as a notification. much love to tommy ❤️
I am so thankful that Tommy’s dad is not a violent drunk 😮💨