71. We UNinvited our Son-In-Law to Everything
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- čas přidán 23. 02. 2023
- Good boundaries protect health and long term relationships. Ben and Kami discuss setting boundaries inside their family. Of all the boundaries they've set over the years with communities, friends and other toxic bullshit they feel like this is their masterpiece.
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FIGHT FOR TOGETHER IS: Ben (DAD), Kami (MOM), Dove (21), Eden (20), Seven (18), Memory (16), Filia (11), Rainier (7)
Watched the first few minutes. Just too tedious. My only thought is as the family grows and absorbs more people you are not going to be able schedule and control each person’s behavior any more. Adult in-laws are not going to copacetic with taking your orders to unload the dishwasher. Some people like vacations without an ironclad schedule. So if you ban your in laws just plan on seeing a lot less of your associated kids.
I feel SO much for this kid. He meets a girl who he thinks is so cool and beautiful that he wants to date/marry her. Then he meets her parents, who are the insane flavor of white ppl who think they should have dreads. You know why he doesn’t “obey” you? Because he probably has examples of normal adults in his life. You talked about how the other kids helped out when he said no. Do you not understand that was because of the climate of fear that you have instilled in your kids? That they were SO uncomfortable with the slightest conflict? You need therapy.
Ben is Korean I believe! But, I don’t disagree with you.
I agree with everything you said but race and how they do their hair have nothing to do with the type of people they are
It must be hard from going from being the sole heads of the family to watching your own children create their own families. This reaction is really only going to harm your child and your access to them. Marrying into a family with a few people that you see once a month can be hard enough, I can't imagine what this kid was going through. I don't imagine posting this video will help the relationship though.
His son-in-law should have gone with the flow. Sometimes you have to learn to read the room. The son-in-law should have helped out. He should have done it without asking and if he was asked to do it. He should have said yes and did it. He is living with these people. It does not cost anything to be nice, go with the flow and help out the people you are living with. To me it shows his true character.
So basically Ben is still a narcissist and his daughter's partner stood up to him. So Ben has just destroyed his family by creating a rift in his family because another adult said no to him in a no rules household......
I don’t see Ben as a narcissist. There are many examples in the video of Ben showing sincere concern and space for the viewpoint of others. He is making the work a priority over feelings but it is not done without giving feelings a place at the table.
I confidently think you need to leave the chat. Lol
Judgy much. 😂😂
You actively, hopefully listened to the whole podcast, and decided on the language you put here.
This "young adult" still thinks adults are "suppose" to care without condition bc of the way passed practices of when they were younger. If his young adult wants to more of adult... These are real problems and complications.
Pretty much
Glad you're back with the TMI! Makes the most fascinating, thought provoking conversations. What I love is like half the time you talk I'm often not bought in and kinda triggered/indignant, but I love that I am always surprised where you take it and the lessons you draw from it I always have trouble disagreeing with you in the end!
Great conversation! What a gift boundaries can be for yourselves AND your loved ones, when it's done with Love. It was great seeing a new video pop up from you all ❣️
I was wondering about yall couple weeks ago. Its good to see yall on here
Missed you guys.. this was a great conversation. I have always struggled with this ( setting boundaries and speaking my mind in defense of my sanity) any time I've ever spoke up or done this in the past I have never regretted it.. YET I still struggle with it now in my marriage specifically. So this was encouraging... Thank you
Glad I happened to think of y'all today. You're an inspiration for realness but also staying motivated to achieve.
Before i listen... oh my gosh I've missed you guys. So much has happened in my life. I had a double mastectomy on the 13th. Cancer was also found in some lymph nodes so chemotherapy/radiation is in my future. Ugh
I love you guys and so happy to see you ❤️
Good to see and hear from you guys
I only got to 18 mins, sorry. Vacationing with that many people sounds like a complete nightmare. I am very introverted and no longer agree to stay in the same accomodations with either related family or in-laws. Interracting with that many people and having so many people in my space and not being able to completely relax would set me on edge.
You hit the nail on the head, I just want to feel like the other person cares. Great podcast.
So glad to see you guys!!! I miss your family. I think about y'all often. Hopefully, sometime we can see the kids and your parents too. Which beach in NC? 👏👏👏 Welcome back.
very helpful and honest discussion about setting boundaries without demonizing people. love learning from you two.
I’m starting to recognize my boundaries and anyways it’s the first step I suppose the next is figuring out how to implement them.
Nice hearing from you guys
I loved this podcast! I think it’s great to see how you both preserved the relationship. I don’t know if I would have followed through with uninviting but the list seemed to be super helpful. I think for young people who don’t have kids yet (or men who leave it all to their wives) it’s really hard for them to have any idea how much work it is to manage a bunch of people and how much work it is to keep a big family running. There is so much mental load and time spent on things people don’t even see. This can create some serious relational issues. I don’t blame Ben at all for feeling the way he did. And I don’t blame the son in law either. What you don’t know you don’t know. I applaud him for receiving the list well and making adjustments. It shows humility and that’s really promising. ❤
Welcome back! Was just thinking about what you all have been up to
So you are closer to SIL but is he still uninvited to family events?
omg… he said no?????? my brain cannot understand that…
I’d love to hear SILs version of the story. Big combined family vacations can be pretty stressful at times. It would be interesting to hear how he interpreted the situation.
Nice segment guys!
This isn’t narcissism. It’s KIN KEEPING but usually it’s women who do the kin keeping. Ben is an active parent who is capable of kin keeping & people are generally not used to a man doing it.
It’s odd because I feel like as the “guest” relative I do more. My in-laws have a camper and I always assist in making breakfast, I always pack the lunches for the day, and I always do the dishes after dinner. No one told me or ask me to do any of that I just noticed the gaps in the chores of their existing family dynamic and took those spots. I help in other ways as well but those have just become “my tasks”. I think it comes from how I was raised. Maybe discus with him what chores need to be done and tell him to pick two and those become the two things he’s in charge of for the week. He might find more of a pride in ownership of his tasks vs being told what to do or reading the room to know when to pitch in.
Love languages :P learned that in counseling. Good to see you guys again.....was surprised to see a new video
The reason you have almost no time to post is you are living life and family expands. Saw you doing trail magic on a 2022 AT vlog. Great to see you out there.
also i must say that as a kid/teen my grandparents who raised me didnt have alot of money but i had a few friends whos parents would include me on trips and pay for my way. they kept inviting me for years because i made sure to help as much as possible and also do anything they ever asked of me to contribute. i dont understand how thats not common sense? if someone brings you on a trip you unload the dishwasher before they ask you to.
There are cultural differences as to what a “guest” is. Each family has their own culture.
I would be highly offended if I were invited to a vacation only to be put to work. I was raised to put a guest first. My mom made me sleep on the floor and give my bed to my friend during sleep overs. Mom made me ask in advance what my friends liked to eat, what movies and/or games they liked. A sleepover or party was never about me it was about my guests. We were happy to have you over for the company, not for slave labor. I don’t see how THAT’S not common sense.
Over time, my best friend in high school would start getting her own drinks and stuff. After years of hanging out, people are no longer guests, they shift into family.
I think in this case, there’s a miscommunication in family status. I wouldn’t assume I was apart of the family if I were “boyfriend” status. So I wouldn’t put in the work to act like a working member of the family. Hopefully after seeing this, and seeing that they think of him as a son-in-law they can all work it out.
But maybe after everything, the boyfriend still doesn’t want a vacation where he’s expected to anticipate everyone’s needs. I think that’s perfectly fine. He doesn’t have to feel obligated to come.
I've missed you! Welcome back.
Yay let's go get some boba tea missed you guys
Healthy relationships are based on give and take. Nothing wrong with boundaries. It is there to keep everyone safe in many ways. Relationships are challenging. You were respectful and did the best for everyone involved. Wonderful outcomes because of your sincerity and open communications. I appreciate your bravery.
I think he was extremely childish. The way he initially reacted was to punish the son in law by acting through resentment and disregarding SIL's wishes and needs. SIL is still a kid and clearly needed guidance, but Ben was blinded by childish resentment.
Ben acts like the king of the household. The way he frames himself in these stories as the main character is so off-putting. He literally said that he feels love when everyone does stuff for him and then proceeded to give the example of his wife doing the dishes. Is it not also serving her when her children do the dishes? Why is he framing her the way he frames the kids? He is acting like the head of the household and her another child trying to fulfill his ridiculous needs for love that he clearly fails to communicate at times- ie. the comment about blowing up when his needs aren't met despite him not communicating them. that's not healthy, it creates an extremely unstable environment, and he needs to go back to therapy. It's her house too, and it makes me quite uneasy that he acts like everything in the family is centered around him.
It seems like he just invites his wife to these podcasts in order to congratulate and enable him- confirmed by the ending when he asks "weren't you gonna talk about how you were proud of me". Who says that?
Everyone one of these podcasts I've watched is just Ben sitting there and Cami having learned to shut up and affirm him. She barely gets a word out and it's always centered around him when she speaks.
I've worked with and lived around many autistic boys and men in my life. He definitely could be autistic and lack self-awareness. He could also have internalized these roles based on childhood. I'm not perfect and nor do I have the whole story, but I cannot stand people who act high and mighty yet their character defects are front and center of the conversation.
I know Ben would respond with "why are you watching our videos then?! stop wasting your time"
it's because I'm autistic and I loveeee analyzing people. this is fun for me.
I really like this family but I do find it funny when they put this stuff on display and then expect nobody to find issue with the way their dynamic takes place.
There is so much about your family dynamic I have admired over the years that I would share with my grown kids. They have never heard a swear word come out of my mouth and we don't smoke or drink so they would be quite surprised if I were to recommend your channel to them. But, I would not ask you to change who you are and the way you express yourself for my comfort. It might seem strange that I feel so connected to your family and the effort you put out for your wife and kids. It's that effort and love that connects me to you although that might not be reciprocated since we are far apart in other ways. There is much I admire and respect about you and your family. Thank you for sharing. I just wish I could get the "G" rated filtered version. Ha! :)
Missed you guys!
Welcome back
Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Hi hifiguy9, in an effort to model Ben's methodical process in examining/building relationships, I'm gonna give it a shot at responding to your comment.
First, what is "doing your best?" How is that defined and how would it be helpful to elaborate on to help expand my perspective and understanding? I would need "doing my best" to be more than just responding to time and situation. What if I'm not in the mood at the time to "do my best"? Or it was a hostile situation?
If someone only does "their best" would son-in-law ever have had the opportunity to recognize or understand the imbalance of the relationship? From Ben's methodic way of thinking and approaching this situation with S-i-L a great leap in relationship in making boundaries would have been missed and lost - at least at that one encounter. What Ben models for me is never to stop at "your best" because that could be a missed opportunity.
What seems to be most valuable is to plumb the depths of one's own feeling/thinking response and come up with either a process or in Ben's example, a list of relationship balances from HIS own feeling perspective to offer to the person who has triggered his resentments of the imbalance. I see it as valuable and key to think thru the risks and vulnerability both for yourself and the person involved. And then as Ben did even step away from bringing it one week and think about it some more to bring it the next time they meet. There is risk in any of these encounters of rejection, misunderstanding, or even hostility, but to be true to oneself (another pretty vague phrase) one needs to bring the fruits of their processing of thinking/feeling on the given topic or situation. (As I read my own statements they sound vague and nonspecific too! dang)
"Doing your best" doesn't help me as a reader to progress from my unenlightened or stuck place. I don't say this to offend or be hostile, in an effort to state my own feeling/thinking in response to your statement. Let me know if I succeeded. I'm just practicing an honest and clear response. Thanks.
@@bridgetqualey4366 Looks to me like you did your best 💕.
@@hifiguy9 Ha! Ha! Ha! Good one, hifiguy!
Checking in after a few years....Yep still lost minded souls who left a cult to start their own. See you in a few more years.
I was just telling someone about the Appalachian trail hike. Then thought I haven't checked in for a long time so here I am and 🤦🏻♀️ These two are seeing the wrong counselor. There's so much wrong here I don't even know where to start. I'll check back in 5 years and see if they are still around but mostly to find out if they've driven their children away. The fact that they sat there and talked about someone else who did not have the opportunity to defend themself was wrong. I couldn't even finish.
@@Kimbermom4908 Yeah what a train wreck SMH
I think if this was told from a mother or womans perspective, there wouldn't be so many hate comments. Planning, delegating, holding relationships, is just usually done from the opposite sex. In my opinion, you did nothing wrong. The weight of your job is a lot of work.
It was really helpful to have this approach presented for situations where resentment is building up due to feeling unappreciated. Welcome back!
I thought this story was going to be about you, Ben, as the son-in-law, lol!
When are you all going to do more vlogs?
This was a very interesting episode with some great insights and wisdom! Thanks for sharing.
I’m a mother in law now, and I treat my daughters in law completely different than the way I was treated by my MIL, she expected me to do a lot of housework every time I visited her home, never bothering to have a one on one talks with me, I didn’t feel appreciated. Respect is a two way street, I appreciate and respect my two daughters in law, I tell myself they are not my kids and I can’t correct them like I do with my children.
I was just wondering about you guys, can't wait to watch this!
Followed your AT videos. Great to see you posting again. Hope you have another one providing trail magic if you do that again this year.
First off, you guys told this story with so much kindness and understanding. As someone who really takes notice of what things cost in terms of not just money but specifically effort and planning and time and intention... I felt all this to my core. But also, as an introvert who sometimes feels like just showing up costs me EVERYTHING I see that side too lol.
This conversation is what "The Five Love Languages" wishes it could get across. I mean, everyone reads that book (I didn't care for it) but I do not think it puts it in practical terms in a very helpful way. In my humble worthless opinion, lol.
It's really simple stuff but it takes a lot of us a long time to learn these things.
Even in terms of being a great host, I was just thinking about this the other day because since we've moved here, we've hosted SO many events. And they're a massive amount of effort for me and a massive amount of money on my husband's part. I was just thinking like, I know people love these parties and they're always so grateful and helpful but Im not certain that my intent (showing love to these amazing people in our community) is necessarily what they are getting out of it. And I just needed to take stock of my motives and expectations a bit. Because if you're this way and you aren't careful, you make yourself a martyr. Yes I love cooking for a big crowd, but maybe I should do it a little less if it's burning me out and not even communicating love to people lol.
Especially in marriage. My husband will sometimes be like "I don't feel loved" and ill be like "what about this and this and this and this that I've been doing all day?" and he's just baffled that those things are love to me. Like...you thought I did all this for...myself? No. And it goes both ways where he's like "but I make all this money for you and the kids how does that not tell you how much I love you?" So we've had a lot of back and forth and inching closer to really notice when the other person is trying to show love. A big part of that has been, like the entire point of this video, to STOP doing things that I see as love and he doesn't if it's going to make me mad that he isn't grateful or reciprocal. At first, I assumed that he would notice their absence and I'd be like "aha! see? you just expect me to wait on you hand and foot and refill your drink and put your phone on the charger and switch your clothes in the dryer and make you these elaborate meals but when I stop, suddenly you see how valuable it was. And then you'll start doing those little things for me that mean a lot to me but you never do!" But that is not at all what happened. Instead what happened is he'd say "will you put my phone on the charger?" and instead of doing it I'd calmly say "no." and he'll go "k, makes sense. Im closer." and he does it himself lol. He literally, actually just thought I did all that shit just because I wanted to so he may as well ask. To me, that feels rude. Like, personally, Id never ask someone to do something I could just as easily do myself. And I’d never sit and watch someone do work when I could help them. because I am so very aware of what effort costs another person. But he's 1. an oldest child and 2. a delegator by nature. It's why he's amazing at his job. 3. kind of fucking lazy.
And that's ok. Ill practice being a little lazier too. And ill ask him to plug my phone in and get me water and because I jumped up every time he asked me to for nearly fifteen years, he feels obligated to do it and I react with gratitude and everyone wins.
Phew. Its been a minute since I've written a HeatherQ style youtube comment.
I love you guys. Where are you, I miss your videos.
I would think that your daughter would know of him it's about being with so many people in this dynamic that she would know about this did she say anything to yell before this about his reservations of this thing ?
missed the podcasts. Welcome back.
This podcast is like going to a therapy session! Thanks. What great work you are doing Ben even tho you must be a pain in the ass to live with sometimes. Good on you!
This is beautiful example of different love languages and how they are applied in real life to solve relationship problems
Good luck trying to keep the peace and considering the feelings of all your children's partners. We have 3 daughter-in-laws and now a "girlfriend". All 4 are friends and party together. They are HORRID! They lie, live in filth and run around. They refuse to clean ANYTHING! Animal poop and pee covers their homes and they have our grandchildren living in unbelievable conditions. We've tried everything to talk with them, offer to help, cry out to them, apologize if we ever offended them etc . All it got us was them forming a pact and lashing out at us and withholding our grandkids from us. They have threatened our sons to the point they were sneaking to even talk to us. So we finally set the boundaries. We are to old to play the mind games. We haven't had contact with any of them for more than a year. We have 7 children and this issue is with our older 3. Maybe things would have been different if the boys would have married outside of friends from a small town.
Sounds like they are just like you....
Relationships are tough, lol. The in-laws we acquire makes for a weird dynamic sometimes because we are basically forced into a relationship with someone, even if it is only superficial, that we might not have origionally wanted or chosen. We all come from differing upbringings and a lot of times kids are never taught how not to be only takers. They need to be taught to recognize how people give, how much work it is, and how you can give back in return, not only because it is "fair" but also because it feels good to give and contribute.
Son in law might have felt obligated to attend get togethers because your daughter wanted him there and maybe felt overwhelmed and resentful of having to be part of a whole crowded family when what he really needed was peace and quiet at the end of a day. He might have felt he was just one more person lost in the crowd and it didn't cost you anything to include him. Also guys don't like to feel like they are being bossed around and he might have been setting up his own boundaries in that minute, who knows. But when you showed him how you were investing in a relationship with him because you wanted the relationship, not out of obligation to your daughter, he was awoken to the fact that he was loved and appreciated for himself and it was hurtful to you when he didn't bother to want to do any work or see the value in the relationship. He didn't even know he was in the relationship! haha He thought he was just going along for the ride. And also, sometimes it IS just that in these kinds of situations. Sometimes neither of you will want the relationship and that's fine too.
anyway, yeah. Good to see you and Kami back at it. You have been missed! Hope all is well with everyone.
And boundaries. You are not supposed to be your kids best friends.
Are you this young man's sponsor? If you are then I would suggest working the steps seriously again, and make regular meetings with your own sponsor. Time for a tune-up!
I'm glad to see you guys back!
pro-tip: this podcast sounds normal at 1.25x
So not Everyone Belongs? Oh dear...
Glad confronting, (biblical principle) someone you have ought with worked out.
Imagine that...
sooooooooooo glad you guys are back if i’m watching one family during armageddon it’s you guys
you have a son-in=law now? whoa
Good discussion. We’re are considering the best boundaries for an adult child’s partner and it is hard, especially as we are concerned with this child’s physical, mental, and emotional safety.
I'm sorry the thing that I don't understand is I would think that your daughter would know about his reservations towards the family and he would seem like she would know what his feelings are Did your daughter ever say anything about his feelings?
From family if seven, I feel you should have told your daughter not the son in law the expectations. Your rein is over. Get over yourself
I think it my daughter's better half if married or not, declined to help clean up then I would really not want to invite them back. It is that simple. Common courtesy and respect.
I don't care what country you come from because everyone has appreciation! He just don't have any!! I booted a couple of my 2 daughters boyfriends to the curb because they were lazy. I can't believe he said NO! Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall! lol I think yur doing the right thing!!
i cant believe he said no either. like i cant think of any scenario where “no” is an appropriate answer to that request. my mind cant do the gymnastics it takes to rationalize that. i was taught to always show appreciation through helping effort aka manners. im a late millennial but also raised by boomer grandparents. gratitude is a big deal especially when a parent has a reasonable request.
@@jordiiiiiiiii 😊👍
Don’t make a child pick and choose , just respect each other in each others home , no one is gonna see eye to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST GET BACK INTO THE WORD OLD OLD TESTAMENT THE GOSPELS AND PROVERBS AND PSALMS STAY AWAY FROM “ churches “ just get back into the gospels And be bigger person
This is so childish
your point of view is so valuable on this platform
Why I keep emphasizing get back in the word bc this new generation has no standards no ethics no respect for elders it’s pathetic
Well, if he truly is a slacker then your daughter will probably end up dumping him so problem solved.
Not trying to be negative!! Lol