72. When One Partner Doesn't Care
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- čas přidán 10. 03. 2023
- Ben and Kami discuss Kami's process in finding her voice, the importance of giving someone space when they don't know what they want, and how it changed their sex life.
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FIGHT FOR TOGETHER IS: Ben (DAD), Kami (MOM), Dove (21), Eden (20), Seven (18), Memory (16), Filia (12), Rainier (7)
Maybe it wasn’t that Kami didn’t have opinions but just as much that Ben was so intent on his opinions that he presumed anyone not strongly opposing his to be in agreement. Often one partner expects the other to pick up on things that they just don’t.
Really enjoyed this one! I'm a lot like Kami. I'm VERY conflict averse and will bend over backwards to avoid it. My dad had a short fuse growing up, and I was never in danger or anything, but it was scary to my kid brain. That is probably one root of my passivity, but I do feel like it's useful at times. I remember when I started studying Buddhism (I also left the church) and read the quote that saying something like "He who has no opinions is at peace" or something like that. The idea being that opinions or desires set one up for disappointment and suffering. Basically the whole Ram Dass "Becoming Nobody" idea. Less self, more peace. I think I used that as my justification for a while after that. But the more I thought on it, the more I realized that it's probably a general prescription, given that most people are far more attached to things than is healthy, and not a one-size-fits-all. Maybe that's a great line of thinking for the majority of people, but for people like myself (and Kami), we probably need more self to have more peace. I do appreciate my laid back nature, and am happy about it when I see people getting wound up over little things, but I get to keep my peace and keep having a good day because I truly don't care about that thing. However, on bigger issues I'm learning to find the balance. I hope to get to the point where I can find my true opinion, hold it steady enough to make it known, but not hold it so tightly that my emotions are at its mercy. Good thing I have a lifetime to practice! :)
It’s crazy how much I relate to Kami on this one.. I lasted about 15-17 yrs, as well, before I woke up and realized I had no opinions & that it wasn’t normal lol. I’m glad you brought up the sex issue as well, that has been a difficult one for me to navigate. Having this predisposition has also made speaking about my feelings VERY difficult. I relate to Kami trying to find her words. Sending you all love! Thank you for sharing & being vulnerable with us🖤
I had the same issue with speaking up, and expressing want. It was always taught as rude. Put others first, I am last. Don’t guilt people into going out of their way. Pretend not to want things, to avoid seeming greedy. Don’t eat, you’re not hungry & ect… We’d be punished for authenticity. I ended up developing a different coping mechanism, because I am outspoken and talkative. I would feel extremely anxious and observe my environment until I felt comfortable I understood “the rules” & accepted beliefs. After I felt safe, I could come out of my shell. Some people I could feel comfort with almost instantly, but unfortunately, sometimes that would take a year or so. As a military child, I moved every year, and never was able to keep many deep seeded relationships.
A good way to help people like me, is to be positive about everything, even when you might not fully agree. “Cool, thats not really my thing. / I don’t agree, but that’s okay.” Ask them about themselves, before mentioning any possible decision making, or stating EXTREME opinions or dislikes. That will make us uncomfortable.
Love that you are back to making these again! I'm sure its extremely helpful for both the audience and for your relationship as well!
I really enjoyed this conversation. I appreciate the time you took to share with us. It has been a huge process to acknowledge I have desires, and it is ok.
Really interesting conversation, thank you for sharing. 🙏
loved your book!
The funny thing about sacrificial love is that if it were really true that both sacrifice their wants in a relationship, literally nothing would happen lol. But thats where patriarchy and all other systems of oppression come in. So all the subtle and overt messages of the woman or the person who is not the man has to submit to the mans wishes are very powerful in the christian idea of sacrificial love. Cudos to both of you for resiting the messaging! Would have been so easy for Ben to just continue "thriving" off of what he wants and Kami staying quiet. I have loved witnessing y'all grow. It takes a lot to change dynamics and patters and it sounds like you're reaping the benefits of all of that labour. so beautiful :)
I relate to this so much! It took me ~20 years to realize I was no longer interested in being a "gentle and quiet spirit" 🙄
I wasn't disappointed, although this hit a little close to home. I definitely relate to Cami, but I am also a bit in the boat of the opposite also . It's complicated lol but this was great..
I’m very curious what religion you were associated with Kami, I have a five-year-old granddaughter has been involved with the church for the last year and a half and I’m seeing some things that are very concerning in her behavior so I guess I’m just curious what your background and with the religious belief was
I grew up as an evangelical Christian.
@@FightforTogether Interesting sounds like she’s having the same upbringing she has a really hard time thinking that she can be anything but a mom and a babysitter when she grows up she’s not even allowed to wear a swimsuit anymore and can only wear dresses and for a five-year-old little girl that’s active that’s a tough life to have to live up to thank you guys so much for sharing what you share sending lots of love and blessings to your family
You are describing classic co-dependency issues. Not uncommon with children of alcoholic parents.